#its fine … its not important … I dont really deserve it anyways. im just too focused on external validation

[tenderlyrenjun]

feel free to ignore this but i just scrolled through your profile and the amount of anons being so fucking shitty actually pissed me off immensely. i’m so annoyed that people are being so nasty to you. i started reading "when it comes to us" and it’s genuinely really good so i’m just really confused by the criticism…?? i’m sorry, i’m sure this isn’t the type of ask you particularly want or are looking for, nor am i trying to give you unwarranted pity but this is genuinely just weird, unsettling, and honestly angering to read. your writing is good and i don’t lie abt stuff like that, so whoever is constantly dropping into your inbox to talk shit is looking for a reaction and you should really stop giving it to them. this is some miserable ass behavior it’s disgusting.

i hope your bad day becomes amazing, i understand your frustrations with tumblr and i hope it all goes back to normal soon and that you can feel happier on this account, though maybe it might be time for a new start.

thanks, im glad you liked when it comes to us; it’s one of my favorite fic ideas that I’ve thought of, although, if it is plagiarism, I’ll delete it

honestly, the criticism doesnt really matter … nothing really matters. it’s the primary feedback I get on my fics at this point, really; I dont really deserve feedback, and I guess it’s fine that people feel … something enough to say something, even if it is criticism, or whatever; it’s something; I dont really deserve comments; I’m just too focused on external validation when I should be writing for myself. I tried ignoring all the criticizing anons, and I dont answer all of the anons, mostly because I dont have the mental capacity for my sole feedback to be criticism all the time (it used to be worse), but I also get the “why are you ignoring me coward”-type of messages, so yeah, i dont really know where to go from there. honestly, it’s deserved; I know why I get so many of these types of anons - criticism or just angry, and it’s deserved. Im not a good enough writer (im barely a writer tbh) to get anything else, unless it’s just … indifference. It doesn’t matter.

thanks, I hope you have a good day, sorry to be so negative; im considering deleting my blog and just giving up, but idk; it’s just a pros and cons list at the moment; im going to go over it with my therapist later; it’s fine. it’s not that big of a deal; its just fanfiction; it’s not that deep and no one owes me anything; I should just … I should just be grateful that I get the feedback in the first place because I dont really deserve it; no one owes me anything and I just need to take the comments as they come.

[normal-thoughts-official]

UWU I'm in the mood for some Raphael talk, I love the headcanon you've talked about in the chat about Raphael tolerating Alec only because he makes his dad happy (which is so damn valid of him), and it's one of my most fave things do you have more slightly silly headcanons about it?

you really want me to be beaten up huh may. you want them to come for me again. you want to ruin my life

okay disclaimer Alec stans pwease dont hate me uwu I'm not saying i hate Alec I'm saying that i dont think Raphael would vibe with him. especially after the whole punch which I'll never get over cuz like i KNOW rationally that alec didnt have the full story and if izzy was hurt and sitting beside a white shadowhunter he would go there and beat them up all the same cuz alec's like this, but I'm still upset eidndidjdid my boy doesnt deserve this okay

anyway with that being said

i dont think its Raphael like, genuinely hating him as much as them having nothing in common besides their mutual love for Magnus and desire to see him happy. so Raphael can tolerate him fine, but he's not exactly dying to be best friends. besides, alec's like, all of the most annoying things about shadowhunters (all serious, never fucking relaxes, must have a weapon close at all times, doesn't understand food, doesn't listen to music, doesnt-) that arent like straight up nazist bigotry. so hes just like. ugh. whatever. I'm here for Magnus. leave pls

i can absolutely see that tbh Raphael just goes to their house and is all like "Alec leave i want to talk to Magnus" and alec's like "this is my house?" and raphael's like "and?" and alec's like "Fine, ill take a walk. Magnus, Raphael is here." but he also kisses Magnus goodbye in front of Raphael because he can, in fact, be an ass

also i know i told u about that already but Raphael lowkey challenges him every time like. he'll come by Magnus' and bring food, and of course theres food for 3 because Raphael is not gonna be that rude and he doesn't want to make Magnus feel like Raphael wants him to choose between Raphael and Alec. Alec makes Magnus happy and Raphael would never want to make Magnus feel like his love or presence in his life is conditional. Plus, he doesn't actually hate him. Just a little.

anyway so he brings the food and he's like (clearly judgemental tone) "i brought hot sauce because i figured Alec doesn't usually eat spicy food" and he's obviously correct, Alec had never eaten anything with season in his life before he met Magnus, much less pepper. he's the kind of ultimate, boss-level gringo who puts salt on his food when he's feeling adventurous

so Raphael sits down and puts the food on his plate and he pours hot sauce into his plate while making unwavering eye contact with Alec (yeah raphael can eat in this because he deserves it and i said so) and it's an obvious challenge and it evidently works because Alec 1- is competitive, and 2- actually wants Raphael's respect because he knows how important he is to Magnus. so he takes the salsa from Raphael and starts pouring it too while maintaining eye contact right back, jaw clenched in challenge, looking all serious and Magnus is like "children, please" and raphael's all like "oh no no no, let him" but Alec considers that a win because Raphael is clearly trying to contain a smile and thats the first step to winning him over

so anyway Alec sweats and grimaces through the whole meal, cuz like, look yes he may have pain tolerance because he's a shadowhunter but he's also the bitch who reacted to taking a sip of beer like someone had farted on his face. he can't hide his reactions for shit, but fuck if he doesn't lick the plate clean (not literally like gross) and doesn't shed a single tear, even as he clearly can't keep his eyes open with the effort

Magnus is like "Alexander, you dont have to do this" and alec's like "(eyes squeezed shut, grimacing, drenched in sweat) do what? this is very good" and Raphael is smiling into his plate even as Magnus shoots him dirty looks

then Alec is like "i won. i ate it all" and Raphael is like "(looking at his red sweaty face and puffy eyes) really?"

also look ill always love the hc that Raphael resents Alec for his height and Alec doesnt even notice. Raphael is not short, god damn it, hes 175! thats TEN whole centimeters above the mexican average! he was the tallest boy in Guadalajara! RAPHAEL IS TALL, OKAY

EXCEPT everyone in the goddamn shadow world is apparently a god damn giant. Its humiliating enough that Magnus is 180. but Magnus is his dad, so whatever. but Alec is FUCKING 190. no one needs that much tall. no one! Raphael went from being the tallest boy in the neighborhood to the shortest, and boy he is so not pleased about it

but Alec has no idea because who cares? (Raphael. Raphael cares. deeply. he cares so much) it's not even good to be that tall, he keeps banging his head on things. so there will be moments like. Raphael is standing in front of the bookshelf, seeming very focused. Alec shrugs, figures he's looking for something, and puts the book he was going to put there up. Raphael shoots him a dirty look that might as well be a stab, and Alec's like ???????? did i disrupt you? sorry? and Raphael just crosses his arms like "you didnt do anything, i dont know what you're talking about"

in reality the shelf was too high up because Magnus adjusted his shelves to his and Alec's height, and Raphael refused to stand on his tiptoes or god forbid, a stool, to grab his book, so he was just glaring at the shelf until the book came to him or something. and when Alec put the book up he was mad cuz Alec could reach it fjdndid

later Alec tells Magnus about it like "i dont get what i did. is he just that private?" and Magnus is like "hmm. i have no idea, darling" but next time Raphael comes, the shelves have been spelled to adjust to the book picker's height

also this always makes me think of that scene in hsm where zeke tries to talk to sharpay and she goes "evaporate, tall person!" and leaves and i love that mental image tbh

also like. eventually Alec apologizes for the punching thing (look. look. Im still salty and Raphael deserves it okay) and Raphael is like. moved because something deep inside of him still believed it was his fault and he was a monster, and it's. nice. and Alec kind of extends his arms and Raphael is like "dont think so" and crosses his arms and Alec kind of very very slowly lifts his arm and pats Raphael's head once and Raphael wants to scream and Alec looks very awkward and sheepish and Magnus bursts out laughing

(Raphael doesnt mind, though, because Magnus is genuinely so happy all day that they had a good interaction. so happy. and Raphael thinks, okay, this is okay. it's good if it makes Magnus happy.)

(Magnus also pats his head and plays with his hair, but its okay because Magnus has always done that and Raphael doesnt mind. only from him though. and raphael's partners. but anyway)

plus whenever Magnus is like, upset, or sick or something, theyre like. an unit. because for all they have no common interests they do think very alike (autistic solidarity i guess) and are very practical when it comes to taking care of others, and they both just. adore Magnus, okay. so Raphael will arrive, make Magnus soup. while he makes soup, Alec stays with him and takes his temperature. once Raphael is back with the soup, Alec goes out to buy medicine, and Raphael stays with him to make him company. and so on. at some point Alec is almost falling asleep by Magnus' side and Raphael taps his shoulder and points to the chair nearby, and Alec nods and dozes off for a while. then its the other way around. Magnus isnt seriously sick, of course, but he doesn't usually get sick so it's an event, plus they're both Like This. and for all the grief they give each other, they trust each other to take care of Magnus. theres no argument about that

(Magnus was resting, but he did see some of these moments, and smiled a bit to himself before dozing off again)

also Raphael and Ragnor gave Alec the ultimate shovel talk (Ragnor doesn't trust anyone after Camille, and while neither do cat and dot, they were more chill), but it lowkey backfired because they were like "if you ever hurt him, we'll remove your kneecaps" and Alec was like "(nodding seriously) thats fair"

also i know we've talked about this already but i also love the idea that Raphael goes to their house and is all absentmindedly like "hm can i have some coffee" and alec's like "sure, ill make it :) you stay here and talk to Magnus" and when Alec comes back he hands Raphael his coffee in a "best. bonus son. ever" mug and then he leans back against the wall, sipping his own coffee from his "world's #1 stepdad" mug that he bought himself, trying to hide his shit eating grin, and Raphael scowls and deliberately holds it so his hand covers the words, and Magnus laughs and his eyes shine as he sips his tea.

(later, Raphael is like. guess me and lightwood have a dynamic now. gross. but he still rolls with it)

in short Raphael and Alec being little shits to each other but still building something of a relationship for Magnus and always taking care of him..... ultimate trope

[rigginsstreet]

how would season 2 of riverdale look like if you were writing it? (also please don't hold back on the word count for this ask)

everyones gay. the end.

no ok i will try and go for a realistic version of what i think season 2 could have been. i mean personally i think its realistic to have all the parents be gay but whatever. (*edit from future briana. lol i aint make this shit realistic everybody G A Y) also this is probably gonna be all over the place cuz i have a lot of problems with a lot of characters story arcs so just...we’ll see what happens. also also this is obviously focusing on the parents im sure the kids will get mentioned at some point in regards to certain storylines but for the most part i dont watch them so i dont know what the fuck theyre doing unless it pertains to an adult. ok here we go (i hope you know what you asked for by saying dont hold back on word count...)

lets just get the obvious out of the way FRED AND FP WOULD HAVE SO MANY FUCKING SCENES IF I WAS RUNNING SHIT LIKE THEYD PROBABLY BECOME THE MAIN CHARACTERS SUCK A DICK ITS THE SHOW I DESERVE I DONT CARE WHAT YALL WANT

like from season 1 i had this vision of how i wanted s2 to play out

fp was gonna find out fred was shot, alice was gonna go visit him in jail about it or theyd meet up when he got out and they were gonna team up to avenge fred. thats what shouldve happened ok fight me. THE ONLY APPROPRIATE F*LICE INTERACTION

and then fp was gonna take care of fred. they were gonna work on their relationship. shit was gonna get dramatic but it was gonna be beautiful because ultimately they would realize theyre both the best friends each other ever had and they were better together than apart. 

and thats how the whole black hood thing would be dealt with and we never had to hear about it again

and then with the introduction of hiram and everything going down with the lodges buying freds company + fps dealings with hiram and hermione in the past and the bad blood there that was just...completely dropped... fred and fp were gonna come up with this master plan to screw over hiram and get the company back and then theyd go back to working construction together and happy days would be on the horizon. 

with that being said.... hiram and hermiones storyline this season is honestly the only interesting worthwhile thing. im not mad at it

im a little mad at archie joining the mafia like for one, anyone who knows anything about mob culture, you dont let outsiders in. and if you do, its not that fucking easy. its like “run some errands for me let me put you through some tests. ok youre family” no. i mean i get we’re on the cw but this was really the ...not even pg13 this was some g rated mob shit on archies part but whatever

lets hop on over to the coopers

i called from the beginning that chic was gonna be up to some bullshit and the narrative thats going right now with hal being painted as the bad guy and running off to penelope and alice running into fps arms is absolute utter Garbage™

what SHOULDVE happened (and granted the story is still playing out but lochlyns got a new show and thats very sus to me so... im expecting the worst) is chic comes in all innocent at first and maybe hals still put off, reasonably so, but this clearly means a lot to alice so he sticks it out. and as chic lets his freak out and the family has to deal with this, they grow closer and become more bonded and alice and hal become stronger as a couple and when all is said and done they eventually decide to go to couples counseling or family counseling and everybody works out their bullshit and they all start their journey to becoming a stable fucking family unit

ok now penelope. she’s another one that im actually for the most part enjoying her story but this whole hal business?? unrealistic

what they needed to do was just let her have her ho business and live her life

and also tell cheryl to stop running her mouth

like i really dont need them to have a great relationship personally like fine if they did whatever but cheryl kinda annoys me so penelope telling her whats up is no skin off my back

oh and this whole homophobic business? NOT IN MY SEASON 2

or if they really wanted to keep this contrived ass heather story to give cheryl some depth or whatever, then the least that could happen is it be revealed that penelope is gay herself and was scorned by an ex lover (alice) and was taking it out on her daughter

and then that could come to light and they talk about it and penelope eventually accepts she’s gay and she can be open about it now and she goes on to get herself a beautiful rich powerful girlfriend and my girl pen is set bitch !!! (i will also only accept alice and hal breaking up if alice too comes out and ends up with penelope)

somebody was coming out of my version of s2 gay i mean listen i could also write you a thing about how fp and fred could still get together ...

YOU KNOW WHAT LETS FUCKING TALK ABOUT HOW FP AND FRED COULD GET TOGETHER WHY THE FUCK NOT ITS MY SEASON 2 IMMA DO WHAT I WANT  ITS 20GAYTEEN

fps been spending all this time around fred nursing him back to health after the shooting

and theyve been able to work out all their unresolved bullshit

plus them teaming up to take hiram down

theyve been spending many a cold winter night together

old flames are rekindling 

they both notice they each keep finding little reasons to touch one another

theyre stealing glances when they think the other one isnt paying attention

they start to notice how fucking happy theyve been together theyve both become so playful and intimate with one another

theyre at pops one night having milkshakes

fred has whipped cream on his face

fps trying to tell him where but fred keeps missing it

theyre both laughing

fp reaches over and swipes his thumb softly over the corner of freds mouth

their laughter starts to die down as they both realize theres still this spark of electricity between them

its been sitting there under the surface this whole time waiting to blow up

next thing they know fps leaning over the table to kiss fred 

its soft and sweet and gentle but filled with such passion and urning its been so long since anyones touched them like this and god all the memories of their secret high school hookups come flooding back its like no time at all has passed they just fit together so well

ANYWAY now that fps with fred and this whole north v south thing is going on its creating a whole bunch of tension and like imagine all the drama that would come from the leader of the serpents dating riverdale mayor fred andrews oh my god ??? sign me the absolute fuck up where is THAT iconic storyline

speaking of fred

where the fuck is that pill addiction huh??? we gotta throw that in for drama ok i NEED. IT.

and then mary gets called into town and fp mary and archie are coming together to get fred through this. holding a fucking INTERVENTION ??? 

alice can show up too why not

bring hal

hermione maybe? like i know in her heart she probably cares but maybe dont have your ex gf who is also a mob boss show up at your intervention....

although that would make for a good fp x hermione showdown

hermiones invited

what else do we need....

i need alice and hermione

i dont know in what capacity i just know i need it

we definitely need a moms night out episode which would be hilarious because it just ends with alice and penelope making out and hermione and mary making out and sierra is facetiming tom like “please come pick me up”

speaking of sierra i dont mind this storyline with tom i just wish we could..actually see it...

OH I ALMOST FORGOT SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT HOW DARE I! I NEED FP RAISING HIS SERPENT KIDS !!!! AND MY S2 INCLUDES JOAQUIN OK I MISS HIM JUST GIVE ME FP TRYING TO HERD JOAQUIN AND FANGS AND TONI AND SWEET PEA AND I GUESS JUGHEAD CAN COME ALONG TOO SINCE HES ACTUALLY FPS SON... WHATEVER

god i just want fp and fred having date night down at the whyte wyrm and tonis pestering them about sharing stories from high school and how they fell in love and she wants to hear all the hot gossip and jugheads like “no gross i dont want to hear this”but joaquin an fangs and sweet pea are ENTHRALLED like they wanna hear everything too they wanna know about all the stupid shit fred and fp used to do to land in detention

OH OH AND THEN WE CAN HAVE A WHOLE THING WITH PENELOPE AND CHERYL HAVING A HEART TO HEART ABOUT PENELOPE BEING IN LOVE WITH ALICE IN HIGH SCHOOL AND WE GET PARALLELS OF THEM AND CHONI

i told yall this shit was gonna be all over the place

hell maybe even gladys played by neve campbell would show up at one point so fp can see his fucking daughter thatd be neat

and gladys and fp decide to end things for good and go through with the divorce but its amicable and theyre friends. she could move back to riverdale but then im thinking of jellybean having to be taken out of school... so maybe they stay in toledo but gladys and fp come up with a plan for holidays and summer vacation and its all just very pleasant ok. 

if we want to go with the tragic heterosexual version of riverdale, i fully support gladys and fp getting back together btw its what god wants

but so long as we’re living in my lala fantasy land.... fp ends up with fred and gladys and fp call truce

alice and fp would be F R I E N D S

no ones hiding no dead bodies

no ones making weird inappropriate comments about leaving spouses

alice is not going serpent!alice on everyone

no

gross

get out of my face

theyre friends and they banter a lot but theres still a deep PLATONIC love there for each other

ok i think i covered everything i wanted.....

am i delusional?

maybe

but is my version more fun?

absolutely

[tumblunni]

How do I write an autistic villain without demonizing autism by accident? ;-;

I’m not really sure why you’re messaging this to me. I’m really sorry but I’m not an expert on like.. political stuff about autism stereotyping, just because I’m autistic. And it depends on which country you live in, I know that america has a far more visible sort of cultural presence for stereotypes, due to the whole Autism $peaks controversies. I dont live in america and I’m not super smart or anything, so yeah this is a disclaimer that this is just my opinion and you should probably research answers given by other people too. And maybe ask people about the specific circumstances of what you’re writing, like the context of the setting of the story and what the villain is like, etc. I’d be happy to chat to you about that if you need help! (but again, im no expert, lol)

ANYWAY!

My opinion on the subject is that having an autistic villain is perfectly fine, as long as you’re not villainizing autism. Like...* Don’t make the autism the reason theyre a villain.* Don’t make people scared of them because of the autism, rather than because they’re a villain.* Don’t treat their autistic traits as scary or inherantly villainous.* Don’t make anyone insult them for their autism and act like its justified because they’re evil.

And similarly its bad form to do any of that stuff in regard to any sort of minority really. An example that always bugged me is how Excellus from Fire Emblem Awakening is scary and evil because he’s a murderous monster, yet everyone in the game constantly insults him for the fact he acts ambiguously gay/transgender/effeminate. Like, there’s way too many jokes about people finding him ‘disgusting’ because of some random thing he can’t change, like a sexuality, race or mental illness which plenty of non-evil people have too! It also lessens his impact as a villain because the characters barely even address the actual villainous things he does, and he doesnt seem to have any motive at all. They just ride on the whole ‘the audience will find him gross’ thing as a crutch and forgot to bother writing a good villain.

Oh, and your concerns are indeed valid, yo! Sometimes it is important to think about the context you created a character in, even if you didnt intentionally create any negative messages within your writing.It’s just that the case where a character will be seen as villainizing [minority trait] for being a villain... that’s kind of only in a very specific circumstance? its just that this specific circumstance is very very common in mass media nowadays.It’s ‘The Smurfette Principle’.If you only have one character of a minority in your cast, its easy for an uninformed audience to pick up messages that you’re saying ALL members of that minority are the same as them.If you only have one autistic character and he’s the villain, then you might accidentally be villainizing him. In a world where autistic characters being villainized for their autism is already very common, people could just assume you made them autistic for the same reason all those other writers did- because they think it’s ‘scary’. It feeds the stereotype even if you didn’t conciously intend it that way.

So a very very easy way to fix this problem is just to add multiple characters of a minority into your story, filling various roles from villain to hero to helpful npc. or anything you can think of!

Another good quick fix is to have your villain be autistic, but portray their autistic traits as sympathetic/relateable/a humanizing aspect of them. Not just portraying it as something neutral that doesnt make them scary, but going out of your way to add some scenes showing how they’re just like anybody else. Or even making it one of their redeeming traits!It doesn’t have to outright be something like ‘yo being autistic makes me inherantly good and childlike’, which is a stereotype all to itself, lol. But you could show them experiencing predjudice from another character, in a way that makes the audience sympathise. Honestly having a character attack them for being autistic instead of being a villain would be a good way to do this, as long as that character is actually shown as being wrong for what they’re doing. Or simply showing the villain having common autistic traits, facing common problems, doing common everyday things... that can be enough to portray autism positively. Have them shown doing this stuff outside of the situation of them being villainous. It makes them feel more human and less of an abstract symbol of evil. And because these small glimpses of normality are lightening the mood, they become seen as a positive aspect!

KIND OF AN OFFTOPIC TANGEANT SORRYJust my personal experience as an autistic kid experiencing this story... I personally headcanoned Cyrus from pokemon as autistic. Not because he’s ‘scary and emotionless’, but because his backstory was relateable to me as an autistic person. It’s said that his parents were emotionally abusive, and that he had nobody to turn to because everyone thought he was ‘a creepy kid’. And he was able to find solace by obsessing over repairing machines in his bedroom, and apparantly has trouble understanding people because they can’t be fixed as easily. Stuff like maths and science are kind of a stereotypical Special Interest for autistic children to be given in fiction, I guess because it makes you seem more intelligent when you obsess about that instead of video games, norse mythology, or collecting tiny novelty spoons from around the world XD (Yeah i was a weird kid.)So yeah sorry I went a little offtopic there, but the point is that it might have been by accident instead of intention but that villain has a lot of traits that read as autistic. And when i first played Diamond and Pearl I actually disliked him a lot because of that, I felt like they were villainizing someone who seemed relateable and potentially redeemable. I mean, he seemed pretty depressed too! Give that man some therapy! But when I played Platinum and got to learn his backstory I started to feel like the writers actually did want us to feel sympathetic to him, because of how all those ‘scary’ traits were presented so sympathetically. Like.. the backstory isn’t that he became evil because he was an autistic kid who did creepy things like obsess about machinery and suck at social contact. No, he became a villain because he was abused by his parents, him being ‘weird’ is just intended to make it clear here that he didnt deserve it. It makes him pitiable, it makes him relateable, it makes you feel so much more frustrated that nobody listened to him and saved him from that hell, and nobody even seems to remember him fondly, just because he was ‘weird’. And hell, even his ‘emotion is evil’ philosophy seems very relateable to me as an autistic child. It seems like he learned to seclude himself to avoid angering his parents. That’s the impression I got from his final scene in Platinum, where he finally acts angry at you for beating him, then gets angry at himself for expressing emotion and forces himself to go back to how he usually talks. I get a bit pissed off whenever I see fans of the series claim he actually IS emotionless, lol! This scene made it clear to me that this is just a guy who WISHES he was emotionless, somehow seeing it as the only way to be free of pain. Someone who struggles to deal with his own emotions, or feels like he’s disgusting when he expresses them. And this is VERY relateable specifically to an autistic kid who suffered from an abusive parent! “Quiet Hands” is a kind of common concept that autistic kids might experience, that’s the name for a popular ‘parenting technique’ that really fucks people up. Focusing on making your kid never ‘act autistic’, rather than actually helping them understand things. ‘Quiet Hands’ is specifically about slapping or smacking your kid whenever they show stimming behaviour. (Hand flapping being a common way this symptom can manifest.) We’re taught never to be too loud, and to always always have to restrain ourselves to avoid embarassing our parents. We have to try and learn how to act like ‘normal people’ and become scared of harmless parts of our own brain just because theyre ‘embarassing’, leading to even worse emotional problems as an adult. i mean seriously how is it logical to tell a kid who has troubles with social interaction that they shouldnt even practise it?? Plus its a huge mess to teach these kids to do way more emotional labour than neurotypical kids are expected to do, and then treat them like they’re below average intelligence for not being able to do twice as much as everyone else...

ANYWAY! That’s a thinG! Sorry I went rambling off there about how a particular fictional character touched my heart, lol!I just kinda wish he could be canonically autistic, or if I had similar canonically autistic characters to relate to, instead. So i think having more autistic villains can’t be bad, we’re so badly in need of more autistic characters in general! And villains have a unique perspective of being able to hit our emotions the hardest. I think its easier to cry over someone who has a sad backstory of how they became evil, compared to anything else!So yeah what I was trying to say before I went offtopic is that if the backstory is ‘became evil because autism’, then people will complain. But if the backstory is ‘became evil because someone mistreated them because autism’ then that’s a good way to make people sympathise with autism. Aaaaand I’m bad at explaining this, because autism XD Well, i mean, my personal symptoms and lack of diagnosis til I was an adult means that I’m still working on learning how to communicate correctly, I don’t mean every autistic person writes terrible tl;dr advice posts that degrade into pokemon XDOh man i feel embarassed now, you asked me such a polite question and I didnt know how to answer it very well...I just hope maybe I inspired you to go out and do more research, rather than putting you off with my nonsense!

[i-want-a-do-over]

my marketing teacher attempted to call me and i felt nauseated, just sitting there and staring at his name flashing on my phone as it rang. i dont want to ever feel this way again. i want to be honest with myself, but i know i still am not because i’m still in abm. i hate myself. i fucking hate myself. my mom had an ultimatum with me, saying i should at least finish senior high, but im failing. im already failing so bad. i might need help but i dont want to acknowledge that. 

i never noticed til recently but i hate receiving help. 

ok just now my grandmother just shouted at me. i didnt deserve it, but she’s also stupid for not knowing how much money was in that bag, and how she just left it around for april to mess around with. her anger is so unjustified. i dislike how they say i get angry easily when they do it themselves. im seething. anger is infectious. its spreading to me too, even though its just her who blew up at first. i hate feeling like this. 

i know i shouldn't let it affect me. i know these are not my feelings. these are hers, and they merely spread to me through that outburst. im not angry. she;s stupid. she’s stupid.

my family isnt perfect and that’s fine, its fine, its fine its fine.

anyways i just left behind the stuff i need to do for school. i hate school. i hate it with a passion. its not for me. mom says its a passing rite but i dont want to believe her. i want to do things my way. i want to take things my way. i regret having listened to her, that i needed a “fallback”. i regret believing it. i regret believing them, i regret seeing those words as truth. i regret everything, and im not even halfway my life yet. or maybe i am, and i’ll presumably die in 2 years. 

i know things suck worse for others as well, and i really want to tell myself how that doesnt negate what im feeling, and that what im feeling isnt less important as theirs... but im already so fortunate that i think telling myself that will be unfair. im already so fortunate but ungrateful. i think im being ungrateful. i have a roof over my head, food to eat, but im not happy with myself. im not pushing myself to do better in school, to be a better student, to have a better grade. i hate it so much. i hate this so much.

stoicism is telling me to love fate, amor fati, love the necessary things that are unto me right now. stoicism tells me to focus on the present, but what exactly does it mean? sometimes i know, sometimes i dont. sometimes, its clear but mostly it is vague. i keep regretting the past, and i keep fearing the future. i know this shouldnt be but i dont know the way. i dont know what to do. is “focusing on the present” to do my assignments? is it doing my responsibilities?

i dont want this life. the only lesson i’ve taken to heart is being fine with how everything is temporary. if life was taken away from me, i wont feel regret. how will i feel remorse for having not lived if i never lived at all? it would’ve been better that way. i wish i never lived. i a feeling resentful to my mother, who birthed me despite not having a proper husband, who raised me as a single mother with my grandparents’ assistance. if i wasn’t born, then maybe she would have been a lawyer by now. i resent my existence, not just because of reasons that i hate how the world is, but also because i hate how my mother never accomplished the things she could have done if she didnt have me. 

this life is undeserved. if i could give it to someone else who deserves better, if only i can give this life away to someone who needs it, to someone who has a reason to go on, to someone who needs the second chance. this life is of no use to me, but i do not plan on committing suicide. although i resent having lived, i have no will of my own to take my own life away.

all these indulgences, all these luxuries, the good memories and the good things... i could go on in the pit of nothingness without knowing about them. i have no desire to seek it out, to have those things as a part of me. i do not want to feel attached, as attachment is a chain you put upon yourself, and it is a painful one. i do not want to feel pain. 

there’s a lot of things i do not want, but all of that stems from a selfish part of myself that wants to be indifferent to this world.