#its just bizarre to me how you cry about not having a gf to someone who literally asked to be your gf.

[channoticedmeuwu]

why do men?

[roses-and-oceans]

Once Upon a Dream ~ Chpt. 4

I just want to say a big thank you to everyone that has been reblogging my gf’s post about kofi donations. It means so much to us and we’re absolutely blown away by your kindness,words can’t express my gratitude for you all and I really hope that at least these can be some sort of repayment. expect another chpt soon <3

**

After being revived with a few slaps, you came to.

“'I need you'. He needs me!” You jolted up, nearly knocking the glasses off Ignis' nose.

Gladio grabbed your arms to keep hold of you, “Slow down, you're not going anywhere!”

“This isn't good,” Prompto squeaked.

Gladiolus looked up and saw the dark storm clouds over head from the window. They thundered loud and terrifyingly close.

“We need to get out of here. Now.”

You got up and grabbed your woolen, knit blanket. Ignis immediately took it and wrapped it around you, “Steady on.” Gladiolus and Prompto ran next to you. Gladiolus scooped you up like it was nothing. The howling winds outside nearly knocked the party off their feet on the first step but it seemed the storm just stayed over your home. From town, you were able to see the thunderstorm engulf the little area of your home.

When Gladiolus finally set you down, your knees were wobbling. You limped over to a chair and Ignis brought you a cup of tea a few minutes later. Even with the warmth of the blanket and tea, you still shivered. Prompto saw this and asked, “Can I sit with you?”

You looked up at him and nodded. He pulled up a chair right next to you and opened his arms wide. You immediately curl up next to him and he's warm, he's so warm and you feel safe. But you feel guilty. The prince...

You curled up into him and inhaled the scent of his shirt; he always smelled of bread and yeast, like its been baked into him all these years.

“Prompto, he needs you.” you said in a small voice after a few minutes of silence.

He looked down at you, his eyebrows furrowed, “Wha-? Who are you talking about?”

“My prince.”

He paled.

“What?”

“He needs you, he needs me, too. I'm supposed to help you, we need to go find him.”

“Y/N, Noct isn't-.”

“I need to show you something.”

You stood up, stooped over and you threw the blanket off you. You thought of your prince, laying on his bed, bleeding and decorated. There was a glowing light and in your hand appeared a sword. The same sword he held onto. It even had a few browned thorns around it.

Prompto got up so quickly, he knocked over his chair. He looked at you, mouth agape. Ignis and Gladiolus came out from the kitchen and froze.

There was a sudden uproar of noise between the three boys. You couldn't make out any words and you walked past them, sword still in hand. You stood in the meadow near the kitchen door and looked out past the clouds still hovering over your home, thunder and lightning striking. And you looked over to the east.

Your name was called from inside the bakery and Ignis came out, bumping into the door frame, “Y/N?”

He was breathing heavily and stuck his hand out, “Give me the sword. A weapon like that is dangerous for someone who isn't-.”

“Ignis, what's going on?”

Prompto and Gladiolus came from inside too. Prompto looked even more upset than how you left him.

Gladiolus said in a tense voice, “How did you access the King's Magic? How did you get that sword?!”

Ignis held his hand up to Gladiolus, and took a deep breath, “I'm not quite sure. Y/N, can you tell me about these dreams that you've been having?”

You sighed.

You told them. You told them of the grand rooms and tower. You told them about the area surrounding it, the sea of thorns. And then Ignis sat you down on the grass, and told you about his home.

These men were guards of the kingdom, brothers-in-arm with Prince Noctis of the Kingdom of Insomnia. And then the kingdom's grand fall.

As they told you about the exploits of “Noct” they so called him, years seemed to melt into their faces, a heavy burden carried for a fallen brother, sworn to protect his people. An evil being from the depths of Hell killed many people; from nobles to the poor, he had no mercy. They killed allies from neighboring kingdoms. He destroyed Insomnia. His curse lingers in the depths of the castle in the center of a field of thorns, poison and lethal.

You were listening intently but couldn't take your eyes off your feet. Your brain was overloaded with information; the kingdom you dreamed about was real and they knew about it. They've known this dead kingdom, lived with carrying on without their prince. There was no hope-.

“No hope?” Prompto choked out. “No hope? Iggy, c'mon.”

“Prompto, please-.”

You looked up and gasped. They all seemed to grow older and scars marred their faces. You almost cried when you looked at Ignis. He told you about how he sacrificed his vision for trying to save Noct, how after years of hard work, he was able to manage living without sight. Gladiolus' face looked far too tired and his scars were etched like worry lines intersecting above his eye. Prompto looked so tired, it looked like he was about to drop.

Every time you described something, the men would help finish for you. It was so bizarre, listening to them paint exactly how the sunshine painted the autumn days, how beautiful the castle was.

They even described Noct's room at the top.

You shook your head, bringing yourself back to earth, unable to comprehend what they changed the topic to something else.

A champion.

“A 'champion'?,” you asked sheepishly. You tried to keep yourself connected to this conversation. You we'ren't going to faint again, you were not-

“-not going to ignore this completely but we have to think rationally!”

“Y/N is the 'champion' Noctis asked for. Now he needs our help-.”

“HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR TEN YEARS!”

“HE NEEDS OUR HELP!”

You put your hands up, all four kingsmen stopped and looked at you.

“What do I need to do?

Prompto hugged you and whispered, “Thank you, thank you.”

He looked up at Gladiolus, “You haven't said a word, big guy.”

Gladiolus looked at him, sighed, “This doesn't feel good. Nothing feels good.”

Ignis shook his head, “I know I'm very adamant at the idea...”

He cleared his throat; his voice was so low you could barely catch it wavering, “But I can't bear the idea of Noct in anymore pain. I will assist.”

Prompto looked like he could have started crying. He gave you a watery smile and it made you tear up too. The blond man then brought his hand up too eyesight and appeared to have started concentrating. A flash of light summoned a pistol to a his hand and he moaned with longing.

“Oh, I've missed this!”

You smiled at them all, summoning weapons; that's what they called it. You rubbed your head and asked them, “What's this about a champion, then?”

“Champion of the Light,” Ignis began, “It was a term used in children stories. It was just a myth after all, the power of the Caelums were the real magic...”

Ignis was rubbing his glasses but stopped when he realized that everyone was staring at him. He sighed.

“But, in texts, the Champion of Light was the first person to vanquish the Darkness, guide the new world into ever lasting peace after eons of darkness. That was rumored to the be the first Caelum to ascend the throne. And throughout the centuries, the darkness would come back again and the soul of the Champion would return as well.”

“Doesn't the Champion die?” you pondered.

“Well, yes. Think of it as reincarnation. Throughout the millennia, there have been different reported cases of Champions, vanquishing the darkness, slaying the scourge of evil and peace and prosperity being celebrated. I think every few centuries or so, the story would morph and so such is the consequence of children's story.”

**

“There was once a kingdom that celebrated the stars and night sky. The ruling family, seemed to have been made of stars themselves. This kingdom celebrated their hard-earned harvests, their long lasting peace, their life. Though they love the night, they are full of light.

“But one day, during one of their celebrations, the darkness that had been swirling about had lingered too long and wanted to feast upon the light. The darkness was not allowed near the light, for fear of tainting the precious light...

“And so, the selfish, starlit kingdom took the light for themselves.

“The darkness wanted it. The darkness wanted to swallow the light and smother it. Devour it.

“And so I did.”

His voice was velvet.

tagging: @fortheloveofeos @gladiolus-mamacitia @angelic-guardienne @leeyahlee-nai @inconsistencys @furubatsu @hextme @ladychocoberry @mandakatt @casxia @sonsoflucis @allimenthia @gladiosamicitias @whimsyofthewind @jinxed-lynxs-blog

[sweetnestor]

12 Days | Chapter 6.2

Two guys that lowkey hate each other are forced to walk in each other’s shoes in order to learn a lesson.

***in collaboration with @themarkiplierexperience

lmao soz its not actually x reader we’re just desperate for attention haaaa

previous

Tom’s eyes bolted open from the sharp movements next to him. He had fallen asleep on his side, facing away from Bella, only to be awoken by her. He turned around and looked at her; She was twitching in her sleep. She hummed and turned, sounding distressed. It was very bizarre.

Hesitating at first, Tom gently shook her shoulder. It didn't wake her up, but it did stop her twitching. He sighed in relief and turned back around, curling up under the sheets. However, his drooping eyes opened again at the feeling of an arm going around his waist.

“You're sleeping weird,” mumbled the soft, sleepy voice.

The hell does that mean? Whatever, Tom assumed the position anyway. He turned so he was facing Bella and he wrapped his arms around her. She nuzzled into his chest and relaxed into him, like sleeping with the love of her life was all she needed to recover from that dream she was having.

Was it bad that he kind of wished her was holding her as himself? Not that he had suddenly developed feelings for Bella after knowing her for 2 days; It wasn’t really her that was the issue. When was the last time any girl wanted to sleep in Tom’s arms? When was the last time he was innocently in bed with a girl? Those late nights with Zendaya hardly ended up like this, and that was usually his fault. Usually they were in his car or her’s as well, so there was no room for cuddling.

Not only that, Tom was just reluctant to have any physical contact that wasn't sexual. He wasn't sure why. Zendaya was honestly perfect. She had never done anything wrong in any aspect. She complied with his stupid “rules” despite that it wasn't what she wanted. Now, Tom was feeling guilty for it. Maybe he was just afraid of the public backlash. Maybe he wanted to save at least one thing from being put under the public microscope and just went about it the wrong way. Maybe when he was back in his own body, Tom could try to fix things with her. In the meantime, he had to date this pink haired girl who twitched and groaned in her sleep like she was possessed. Maybe he could learn from this relationship.

A lightbulb went off in Tom’s head. Was this the reason for the switch? Did he have to properly learn about a healthy relationship? He tried to imagine what Sonji the psychic would say about that. She would probably be super vague and hit him with a dab. Or she would actually hit him with a pack of tarot cards.

Eventually, Tom fell asleep and dreamt about switching back with Ethan. It went horribly wrong, and their faces morphed into something straight out of a horror movie. Melty skin, multiple limbs, voices crying out for death. He could hear Sonji laughing obnoxiously in the background. It was a weird dream.

He was pleased to find that he awoke naturally. No obnoxious alarms. Olivia wasn’t here to rapidly knock on his door and yell at him to get up. Harrison wasn’t here to literally pull him out of bed. There wasn’t a demanding schedule to follow. Tom shifted in the sheets and stretched his arms above his head, feeling strangely relaxed. That is, until he remembered where he was, and what exactly he had to do today.

Bella was nowhere to be seen. Tom immediately sat up, looking around the room. He heard voices coming from the living room, which only prompted him to grab his phone and check in with Ethan. For once, he wasn't left in the dark, and was pleased to find a string of messages. The first five were sent the night before.

“Got yelled at by Olivia but it seems like the schedule wasn’t completely fucked so that’s good I guess.”

“Harrison somehow knew about Zendaya already so I just kinda rolled with it”

“I might have made things worse for you with zendaya but I got her off my back for the time being. She’s all yours when we switch back.”

“Also yes i am aware that my gf is the best gn dude.”

“Don’t forget to try to edit some stuff tomorrow we’re not all made of money like you 🙃”

Tom sighed in relief, despite that that last passive aggressive text caused a wave of anxiety to surge in his stomach. Today, he was a YouTuber. Judging by what he had observed from the three other YouTubers he's been spending time with, it involved a lot of things he knew nothing about. As long as he kept a confident and positive mindset, this should be a breeze. Tom kept reading.  There were two more messages, sent earlier that morning. The words Tom read made his stomach knot up.

“Why are all your friends so much cooler than you?” it read. “Let Everyone™ try the suit one,.  direcotr didn’t seem to mind tho.”

“Oh man,” Tom whispered to himself. The mental image of tall and lanky Harrison trying on the Spidey suit did give him a right laugh, but also a small wave of anxiety. Had the executives not taken back the costume? And Tom wasn’t there to witness it?

Shaking it off, he replied to Ethan.

“Worked things out with Bella, should be fine until we switch back,” he wrote. “Thanks for talking to Daya. Oh, and Harrison knows everything that goes on with me. Have fun with that!”

Suddenly, the bedroom door opened. Tom jumped, nearly losing grasp of his phone. His heart racing, he looked over at Bella, who was mildly startled by Tom’s sudden move. Her eyes scanned over his body, the way he looked like a deer in headlights, the way he was clutching his phone like a lifeline.

“Morning, love,” Tom greeted, his voice embarrassingly higher than normal.

“Morning… didn't mean to spook you,” Bella replied with a nervous chuckle. “How long have you been up?”

“Uh, I've only just woken up.” He climbed out of bed and scanned the ground for his jeans. “Have you seen my trous- uh, pants?”

Bella gave him a look, but she went over to the bureau and opened up a drawer, pulling out a fresh pair of black jeans. She threw them over to Tom wordlessly. “Don't be an outfit repeater, chulo. Get ready, we're gonna go have lunch and then we're gonna take Jack and Signe to the airport.”

“Oh, they're leaving today?” Tom asked.

“I know, I wish they could stay longer. I miss having Jack as a roommate. The apartment feels so quiet and empty since he moved out.” She sighed as she left the room.

Tom raised an eyebrow at that statement. After putting his pants on, he shot another text to Ethan.

“So what's the deal with Bella and that Sean guy? Is he someone I need to keep an eye on?”

~

It was one miracle to survive a night with three strangers in an unknown apartment. It was another miracle that Tom survived lunch in a public restaurant with these three strangers. At the last moment, however, he remembered Ethan's nut allergy and made sure to stay away from anything that involved peanuts. Part of him feared he would forget about that particular detail and accidentally kill himself. Or, Ethan's body. Could he, Tom, die in this body?

Best not to think about it.

Anyway, he made it through midday. Later on, Bella was leading the way to the airport. Tom offered to drive, so as to seem like a decent boyfriend, but it only made Bella and Jack laugh. At least Tom wasn't the only one left in the dark about that; Signe seemed just as mildly confused as well.

The car pulled up to the front of one of the entrances. At least LAX was something Tom was familiar with. To think Ethan was here earlier… Thinking about him made Tom check his phone again. Nothing yet.

The four got out of the car. Sean and Signe retrieved their luggage from the trunk before saying their goodbyes. It was weird. They kept looking at Tom like they truly knew him, like he was actually their friend. But he's not Ethan Nestor. You've got the wrong guy, sorry.

“Thanks for everything, Baller,” Sean said as he hugged the pink haired girl. Again, Tom couldn't help but feel suspicious of their actions, despite that Bella hugged Signe next.

“You know you guys are welcome at any time,” Bella said. “Whether it's for uni, or whenever you guys feel like, I'll always have that extra room for you!”

“Ethan!” Sean exclaimed as he opened his arms. “My little stinky boy!”

Tom returned the gesture and hugged him. “It was good seeing you again, mate. Have a safe flight.”

“Alright, mate,” he replied in a mock British accent.

“My turn!” Signe piped up as she came in between the two boys. “Bye, Ethan!” She stood on her toes to hug him around his shoulders.

After that, the couple ventured into the building, their luggage in tow. Bella and Tom watched them as they leaned against the side of the car. Bella lied her head on his shoulder for a moment.

"Ya los extraño,” she sighed.

“Yeah,” Tom replied even though he had no idea what she said. Then, he changed the subject. “Hey, can you take me home? I gotta start editing.”

Her hand went into his, squeezing tightly. She didn't say anything at first, which was a little off putting. But she agreed, let go of his hand, and went to the driver's side. Before starting the car, she turned to him.

“You don't wanna see Helena?” she asked, a concerned look on her face. “After what happened the other day, and after what you told me yesterday?”

Who the everloving fuck is Helena?

“No, I'm fine,” Tom said as he checked his phone yet again. “It's fine.”

“You sure? I have an appointment with her, but you can take it if you really need to,” Bella gently pressed.

He shook his head. “Really, I'm good. I just really need to work on some videos.”

She watched him for a second, but then turned the engine over. “Well, you are starting to sound like yourself again.”

Thank god.

Traveling twenty miles took a lot longer than it should have, given the amount of traffic. Bella handled it like a pro, not getting irritated or annoyed at the other drivers, whereas Tom wanted to take control and navigate the whole ride out of sheer irritation. He knew better now, though. Apparently, Ethan wasn't allowed to drive.

Tom enjoyed Bella’s singing too, even if she was singing depressing songs. He stared out the window and listened to the pretty voice, reflecting on his life and his choices, missing Zendaya, missing his own fans. Missing people he hadn't thought about in ages…

And then an upbeat song started playing, sending Tom back to reality. He looked down at his phone again and unlocked it. Curious, he opened up the Twitter app. The feed wasn't anything special; Just stuff about gaming, various celebrities, and other YouTubers. Then, feeling a little bold, he decided to type out a new tweet.

“Had to say goodbye to Sean and Signe. So good spending time with those smelly boys again. I miss em’ already”

Replies started coming in almost immediately. It was much like Tom’s own feed. He didn’t realize Ethan had fans of his own. He chuckled in disbelief, which caught his girlfriend's attention.

“What is it?” she asked.

Shit. Tom scrolled and tapped a random tweet, quickly skimming it.

“I put an apostrophe in the wrong place and everyone's attacking me,” he told her as he replied to another person.

“That's the Internet for you,” Bella said in response.

After a few more minutes, she finally pulled up in front of Ethan's apartment building. Tom took off his seat belt and grabbed the door handle before Bella put her hand on his shoulder.

“Are you sure you don't wanna see Helena?” she asked him seriously.

“Positive,” he said, giving her a reassuring smile. “I'll call you later, okay?”

“Text me,” she corrected. “Oh, and don't forget about tomorrow!”

He nodded like he knew exactly what was going on. He was a good boyfriend who would consult with the actual boyfriend about tomorrow's date. Finally, Tom kissed her goodbye and got out of the car.

~

If any of Ethan’s friends saw his current Internet history, he probably would have gotten fired. No, not because he was searching every bit of freaky porn ever, but because each link was to a guide on how to use Adobe Premiere. How to edit YouTube videos. How to put a facecam on gameplay. How to do literally anything that had to do with YouTube.

Ethan hadn’t made it any easier on Tom, either. Any video file he had on his hard drive were titled different variations of “alkdfhkj.” Oh, and they were all either Photoshopped pictures of Ethan in different video games, or already completed videos that were on his YouTube channel. Where was the “pile of unedited footage” he had talked about? Tom inspected the camera behind one of the monitors and took out the SD card. On there, he found a video of Ethan talking about a game called Flix and Chill 2: Millennials. Great, now he had to find the actual gameplay.

It took more hours that what was probably necessary, given that he ended up with an eleven minute video. It was mostly a bunch of tedious work, removing bits and pieces where Ethan fumbled on his words and things that dragged on too long. Tom was by no means an expert on what could and couldn’t stay in the video, but he did his best. He wondered who would be watching this, and if they’ll be able to tell if it was different from what Ethan normally did.

Nevertheless, Tom put it up on Ethan’s channel. Since it was already late in the day, he scheduled it to go up the next morning. Managing the actual YouTube account was much easier than just about anything else involved in this “career.” Well, it wasn’t difficult as much as it was boring. Tom liked to think that he would be more comfortable actually recording videos rather than editing them. Mark’s got his own editors, why doesn’t Ethan?

Speaking of, Tom pulled out his phone again, sending what was probably the third or fourth message in a row to the guy. “Finished editing a video! You can tell me how amazing it is tomorrow morning when it goes up :P”

One down, several more to go.

_______

tag list: @marie-is-in-the-dark @beardedsteveslut  @ohsnapitzmoony

_______

next

[momo-de-avis]

1/? Im sorry for the rant that follows. So, im heads deep in love with a friend if mine, and i found out today that she has a gf. Which is making me feel awful, im super sad, and a bit jealous. I went to talk to friends in our group chat about it and the only one online started saying how he knew she was dating, "asking" me if i really thought it was gonna work out. Then that the girl actually "cant love" and how im actually angry at her or something when im not. I just wanted to spend the ...

2/? Afternoon crying and listening to angsty music and eventually move on, i wanted some sympathy and i got that bs. I got out of the group chat then he messaged me saying she was just a girl and that i was "fugly" when i cried and how he was doing this so that i would be angry at him instead of being sad. How fucking dare he?!?! And now i cant be sad cuz im so angry at him, he acted like its no big deal and how he was being so fucking selfless when i wanted a shoulder to cry on. And now im just

3/3 Angry. And i hate when other ppl force me to get angry. And fuck, i loved that girl so much, i still do, and this shithead fucking stole my heartbreak so he could feel good about himself, or i wouldnt be surprised if he used me to fucking self harm with my anger at him. I just wanted a shoulder to cry on, cuz this hurts so much.

Anon sorry it took me a while to answer, and I’ll just add your update after this, but yeah this ye old ‘i am upset when everything’s not about me’ tactic like

next time he says ‘oh just wanted u to feel angry at me and not sad’ tell him it worked and to fuck right off, and 1) when you ask someone to listen to you, they listen, they don’t swerve and veer like a fucking matrix effect to grab onto the loose ends and make it all about themselves, and if they’re not in a place to listen or don’t feel comfortable doing it, saying it outright works better, and 2) how you feel has NOTHING to do with whoever the fuck like. what the hell. you seem by your message very well aware of your feelings and how to deal with them and you followed a very normal and simple route: tell my friends, look for support. if they can’t deliver, fuck right off because it REALLY is very simple to tell a friend “I’m sorry you’re going through that and I am here for whatever you need, just know that I got you and you’re free to let it out if you want”. Like, THAT easy. If for some reason it is NOT easy (some days are just like that), then they should be upfront about it

Now, to your update:

Anon with the annoying guy making my problems about himself. His gf messaged me asking me if i wanted to talk to someone. And i talked about the main problem here: not him. And she derailed the convo to talk about how he wanted to distract me and how he had good intentions etc. Uuuuuugh why are ppl like this?!?! Like wtf is their problem?!?!

two peas in a pod, eh? Sounds like they’re a match for each other. their arguments must be something

Good intentions don’t excuse wrong behaviour. If you were very upfront about your needs and had them denied, and instead offered something you did not ask and just so happens to be very unhealthy, I really do not care if they were just trying to help. You don’t help anyone by making it all about yourself lmao

you know what, I’m gonna put the auntie outfit on and tell you what these weirdos are apparently incapable of doing: I’m sorry you’re going through this, but take this as a learning experience! It sounds to me you have a very good head in your shoulders and so I don’t think I need to say how bizarre it is that a person’s immediate instinct in terms of “support” is like, badmouthing her relationship? Sort putting this weird salt on everything? You’re perfectly allowed to feel whatever you feel, and it’s perfectly understandable that you feel jealous and upset and sad. Let those feelings out, don’t crush them, put on some angsty music and experience them. It’s healthy and you will grow and you will come out a FAR better person than these people trying to pick on your personal issues to make it about themselves

And you’re always welcomed here, my dear

[tellmeyourstory-art-blog]

People are nasty because they are in pain

Why do we target minorities?

there is a reason they call it dady issue- we keep the love we think we deserve. is not entirely true.. maybe you saw it on a facebook quote and related but we actually choose the love we are famillar with. 

I once saw a picture of a duck, he was drifting sideways in a stream about to meet an avoidable fate of falling down a waterfall but seemingly didn’t mind. It was perfectly representing that point of depression- hoplessness that made me laugh so hard at the picture. The currents were taking us to inevitable doom, it was in our power to change but there was that relatable hoplessness in why bother. 

I was the duck at ths point in my life. I had once been teased by one of the slow learning kids at school who pointed at me mockingly after my embarrassingly failed attempt to catch a ball said ‘ well you’re just a duck anyway’  agressively enough for me to judge it as an attempt to demean me. The bizarrity of it didn’t huurt my feelings, none the less it was a great way to include the usual minority group in the class who felt confident ienough to make fun of me . 

 I was the duck. 

I was a teenager, and even though I learnt how to deal with exlusion I still wanted acceptance and love. So I reveled in the company music gave me. Bands that empathized with my pain changed my life, first few albums I picked up were from Radiohead,  Nirvana and Pink Floyd. Then the love flowed from the feeling my guitar gave me when i developed the muscle memory to play a song,  how the strings hurt so good underneath my fingertips. I didn’t need outer love anymore though i still believed in it. That someone, would see through me being a duck or a loser, and still find me attractive as I am.

In love, we tend to look for familiarity not to be confused with admiration. What want something taht feels normal. We usual look for someone who treats us much like our parents did and find those qualities most attractive.

well shit

I’ve only had the opportunity of feeling the urge to kiss someone once in my life, but I didn’t act on the thought, felt ashamed, turned away blushed, and repressed it completely. 

I did find myself attracted to people but quickly repressed that too. 

It’s hard to admit this even in writting, as most people perceive me as a logical level headed person,  I did have one celebrity crush when I was 14.  A  rock musician from New York, singer, guitarist and piano player, I’m still too embarrassed to admit who it was but again  I repressed exploring admiration and appreciation of physical attraction, shamed of myself, believing I was unable to ever recieve the same admiration back.

it but it seems this still comes out in my adulthood as his longer dark hair, and light colored eyes are some of the only things I find physically attractive these days. Isn’t that ridiculous?

For the most part of school I had been called ugly, at home I had been called a ‘bitch’, I was a gangly looking, weird, tall, large hips and at that  stage of  growth puppies go through where their paws are for to big for their little fluffy bodies. 

Eventually I would grow past this, and I wished someone said that to me at the time ‘but at the time I felt truly ugly and unlovable. I wish only to have known what I did now, and maybe I would have avoided the kind of love that came to me next. 

Nastiness is a difficult thing. Being a Victim is a difficult thing.

We treat nastiness, when we are emotionally weak in 2 ways. either side is interesting ad equally miserableand both sides have nothing ver much to envy from eachother

The temptation is to get stern and cruel back, or to succumb to the over compussing voice and convincing vicous slurs of the person attempting to over power us.

I did the latter.

Let me introduce you to, the man I would fall pregnant to. Who thankfully disappeared, but every year when it comes to the anniversary of my mom’s death i remember this moment and i will eb tormented with remembering it for th erest of my life. 

After I ran crying to the Ice cream store, face bruised and swollen from crying, I told my sister,  the manager of the ice cream shop let us move in with her. She’d later reveal her on and off boyfriend lived down the road and how he’d been abusive to her. 

not only was he abusive to her, but he had his sights set on me. 

The apartment was awful. I slept in the lounge  and was often woken up beer bottles, sex, drugs or most horrifyingly enough too me my guitar & record collection being thrown around. I managed to stay in school despite this.

My sister was there but she enjoyed the constant party. she is an extrovert, I am an introvert. She often abused the fact we lived out of home young to throw parties.

I was a virgin, and very much a victim & easy target. I reigned it true in my head that no one would ever love me/like me/be attracted to me & that I was ugly part due to my mother, part due to the constant bullying of school friends.

he drugged his gf one night. she was passed out. he pushed me over his lap and felt me up. told me it was my fault because I was beautiful.and i wasn’t a virgin anymore

i didn’t tell anyone because i was ashamed

i’d loose my house if his gf found out

i didn’t believe anyone would ever love me anyway

and I thought this was the best I was ever going to get & deserved it.

i was so ashamed of my body, my life & he used it

he told me everyday when no one was around

I was lucky I even got that from him, that I was ugly and pitiful

he’d make sure he’d keep my mouth shut, well they found out because i got pregnant.

he started hitting me

stealing my phone

my money (which wasn’t much)

until i was at a clinic basically crying for someone to help me

eventually i lost my house b/c his gf found out

he & i moved into an apartment

my sister blames me

All my friends  thought i was disgusting though deep down I was so afraid I didn’t want to stay with him I truly felt I had nowhere else to go and no one to turn to

he told me my body was his, and that now id be ugly & disgusting for life

& no one would ever love me

 in my life, I don’t think I would’ve been a mom otherwise.

I toughened up one night after he spent 8thousand dollars of my money on hookers for all his friends. I called the cops, booted him from my house.

though the night my mom died he had been there

i was getting ready to go to the hospital and say good bye he decided he wouldnt look after the baby it wasn’t his jobe

when he told me i couldnt go and slammed my head against the wall

and said  i was a bad mom

I do not fel any anger for this time in my life. but the only way to diminish the vicious cycle of hate is to address its origins, which lie in suffering. 

look on enemies with sorrow, pitty and when we cn manage it a forgiving kind of love.

the same forgiveness I have for my mom

ANd the same forgiveness I have for myself in this situation

I was a victim, and stuck in the unhealthy victim mentality. I tuly let my saddness define me at this point in my life and felt hopeless to see otherwise.

My pain was quietso my friends misinterpreted me in these situations there is only one way isnt ot succumb is to succumb and accept your circumstance for what they are and start believing you do deserve better

That you know deep down you are no the person people around you are telling you you are. but  at the same time understand they misunderstand you because youre letting your environment control the way you act out of losing hope. 

i ran awya and said good bye

[datingadviceonreddit]

A long story...but worth the read if you're willing to!I met the guy I called my bf 10 days after my last bf left me. He was the most handsome man I had ever seen in my life. I couldn’t believe the guy that walked in to the coffeeshop to sit down across the way from me. I am an engineer, a degree in physics a nerd among nerds among nerds and this guy, a Master’s Degree in sports management, a degree in communications we can call him Mr. Cool. He is Swiss and Indian, so you know just speaks 3 languages fluently, dad works for the UN…I mean come on now. For whatever reason, the dating gods graced me with perfection that day, I was witty, I was charming, I was having a non-bushy hair day. He kissed me outside the subway on the wall at the end of the date and I felt this flutter in my heart that made me let go of all the doubt I had about myself in my last relationships. He was it for me and I thought I had actually nailed it. It turns out he just thought it was hilarious and somewhat adorable that I had spinach (literally) in my teeth our first date.The day I fell for my bf was like a scene out of Pride and Prejudice. We spent the whole day at the Met Museum, me spouting off all my nerdy talk about medieval art, showing him my favorite pieces (yes I know that museum a bit too well). We had planned to grab dinner and a movie on the other side of the park that night. Of course, the second we walked out of the Met it started to downpour. It was like and Indian Monsoon he said. We found a guy selling large umbrellas (which btw where the hell do these umbrella sales peeps come from out of nowhere when it start to rain) and bought one. We walked through the park in the muddy paths all the while stopping to kiss and listen to the rain. And we got soaked… But really come on how could you not fall for someone so patient so sweet so handsome so unbelievably everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. I melted into his warmth in the theater that night while trying not to shiver from my wet feet. The rest as they say is history.The day he told me he loved me was weird. We had gone out that night for his best friends birthday. I had run into a friend on the streets (male) who worked at a wine bar in west village and offered us free champagne for Mr. Cool’s friends bday. Somehow everyone was really against accepting free champagne (they all thought it was like they were getting hustled as they did in Switzerland). We headed over to a club one of my friends was at The Jane which btw is always a horrible plan…there’s literally no air conditioning. At this point I was a little drunk…and when I get drunk I just talk…slurred but yes I talk a lot. I spoke to the bouncer going in and out of the club. Chatted with Mr.Cools friends or so I thought. When we got back to my place, suddenly Mr. Cool was pissed off at me. He started yelling at me and asking me “is this how you always act, just flirt with everyone?” Now just a little background…I am from the west coast. I think talking to everyone is normal, not flirtatious but friendly. And I seriously didn’t believe I was trying to be flirtatious at all that night..even a little (with the bouncer? Like really?) Anyway he made me cry because I didn’t understand what I did wrong. He kept saying he was going to leave me which…flash back a few months before, this same problem happened with my ex who got mad that my ex bfs sent me text messages (even after I showed him the messages). So I panicked started to cry, kept thinking what the hell am I doing wrong and Mr. Cool stop and said…look its cause I love you….RED FLAG #1 The next month I was in his home town in Switzerland. I was in Paris for work that week and wanted to do a weekend trip, had never been to Switzerland but had always wanted to see it. It was incredible. The town was so quaint, the country so beautiful, it was out of a dream. He had connected me to one of his best friends who offered to take me out to some very Euro clubs. Kept asking what I did (as in drugs)to which I responded literally nothing. I just wanted to drink and have fun with one of Mr.Cool’s best friends. We ended staying out until 4:00 am. So I’m a female alone in a foreign city, not that it is a bad city but one of the friends of Mr.Cools friends offered to walk me back to my hotel. We got back to my hotel he said goodbye and I went up to sleep. I wanted to wake up early the next day to check out the sites and play tourist. I woke up to angry texts and phone calls from Mr. Cool who was mad I didn’t text him when I got home…In Switzerland while he was in NY…Mind you I am a 26 year old adult who’s traveled by herself on numerous occasions. I’m not used to checking in with my bf…he yelled at me told me I had ruined his reputation in Switzerland ect ect. I honestly don’t remember how he calmed down eventually but I believe he eventually did.RED FLAG #2 We went out on a date to a burger joint, skipped ahead of the entire line and sat down at a booth. The waiter someone gave us a little grief for doing this but gave us the Ok to stay. So I did what I’ve always done with my wait staff, strike up a convo (I used to be a waitress myself and really loved to talk to my tables.. therefore I assume all people like to talk to tables whoops). I complemented his glasses saying I really like his style, aske a few questions about the signatures on the bricks in the restaurant to see if they were in fact real (yes Dr.Dre had in fact eaten there) ect ect. Suddenly Mr.Cool just falls silent. Won’t respond to me at all. We sit and eat in silence. I wrote (as I literally do at every restaurant) thank you on the receipt with a ❤ heart. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??? Mr. Cool absolutely freaked out that I would ever act like that in front of him. He kept saying how would you feel if I told some girl like nice tits? (maybe not the equivalent of nice glasses?) But I responded, look I am not a jealous person. If you want to hit on girls and get there numbers then don’t be in a relationship but I wasn’t hitting on the waiter…at the burger joint…wearing glasses.RED FLAG #3 I have a really nice apartment in NY. I had recently transition jobs which required me to have a remote desk (working for a company in SF) so had to have a real normal sized room (gasp they exist in NY). Because of this nice apartment and my remote working, I had offered have Mr.Cool leave some stuff at my place every now and again. The reason being, he still had to live with his parents. (Visa problems/going to school and you can’t have an income it was his only solution, not a problem for me at all I really do support it). So the logical thing when you’re in a relationship would be to slowly transition into your gfs place. He left a toothbrush. After 9 months of us dating (6 months formal) that was all he would leave. He would go so far as to spend the night and go home at 7 in the morning because he got tired of bringing his stuff here. I offered time and time again to just keep 2-3 shirts 1 pair of pants and maybe a pair of shoes at my place (btw we live 10-15 min apart at most) and he refused. We’re 27 now…it seemed a bit bizarre. He also never ever wanted to shower with me. I mean each to his own but it really made me feel like he just wasn’t comfortable with me…that I wasn’t sexy enough for him.RED FLAG #4 Mr. Cool is always late…not 10-20-30 min late. 2-3 HOURS late. Every time I invited him out with my friends, he would show up 2-3 hours late, make an excuse that he had to walk the dog, or had to shower, or had to clean or had to blah blah blah. Everytime. In the 9 months (at this point) we had been together he had met my friends twice….He kept saying he hates going out and clubbing and partying. But just before me he was dating a model and did that with here nearly everynight. I understand being burned out…I do but twice is a really bad statistic.RED FLAG #5 When we were together I was always on my phone…It is a bad habit I picked up from dating my high school sweetheart long distance for 7ish years. It’s a problem I have. But when I was with him, he was constantly looking at sport scores, constantly reading articles constantly on Instagram constantly disconnected with me. I think I have a lot of fault in that too but it made it hard for me to break that habit.Ok so now we get into the part where I really fucked up. Yes people I fucked this relationship up, my man among men, I ruined it.I mentioned I had started a new job. I was a remote worker, very disconnected and isolated from social environments and getting worse since my bf never wanted to spend time with my friends and I only wanted to spend time with him. We had these great weeks called strategy weeks where my entire company would go out to SF and we would be in meetings for 12 hours and then dinners and drinks. The whole time my bf would call me and freak out if I didn’t text him when I was home…he kept saying “im just worried about you.” But it felt like he was being possessive and trying to control me. When I was out at work, I needed to focus on learning everything I could from my colleagues and learning what resources I had available should something come up that I don’t know the answer to. See I had moved from being a flood resiliency engineer to working in series reactor/ series capacitor technology…a field dominated by EE Phds. I am a civil engineer….I had a lot a lot a lot a lot to learn. So we would go out to dinners as a group. My colleagues and I. But one time…my colleague invited me to a solo dinner. He had invited other colleagues on solo dinners such as these. My boss who I was closest to in particular suggested I go out to dinner with this guy for traditional Lebanese food. Now I am a young 26 year old at this time, he is a 41 year old well established engineering colleague. I was an absolute naïve idiot to think that he would respect the boundaries of professionalism. So at this dinner I thought everything was good! We talked about my career as and as engineer and that he felt I should really pursue my PE ect ect. It seemed very non-threatening. Plus he was our project engineer so someone I needed to know his skillset to help me in the future as I’m helping progress our projects. He gave me some of his homemade Lebanese drink (kind of like greek ouzo) then I took a car home. Everything was professional and perfect and nothing seemed off.I got laid of January. I was working for a startup and these things happen. I got laid off in a slaughterhouse style where 15 of us were in a room…while the rest of our company was in the other room (of course all my crap happened to be in the nonslaughterhouse room). My 41 year old colleague had a car, I did not. He rescued my stuff, and grabbed me out of the crowd of sympathetic former colleagues. I have never felt so awful in my entire life. I have never felt so rejected and low and miserable in my entire life. He was a saving grace. He told me I have a lot of edible weed and wine. And that was literally all I wanted. Now I will tell you he did try to kiss me once. And I told him time and time again I had a bf and it was inappropriate. We were colleagues nothing more. But I made the STUPID MISTAKE to go with him. I called my bf from the car and he was sympathetic and sweet. I think all I wanted was for him to say come home come back to me I’ll help you, we’ll figure this out, its going to be ok. But he just said “I’m really sorry.” I proceeded to get absolutely blackedout that night. Woke up in a hotel with colleague and freaked out….I didn’t know what had happened I didn’t know how to deal with being laid off. I just wanted to go home.Flash forward to me driving home. My supportive bf tells me to not be too complacent in searching for jobs. I get home…and there’s a laptop on my doorstep. I’m thinking its from my bf, what a sweet and insanely kind thing to do….nope….it was from the 41 year old….then I get flowers…not from my bf but from the 41 year old. At this point I started to feel a bit threatened. I didn’t think this guy had malicious intent but I was wrong. I started seeing this weird doting pattern from him. Now I wanted to tell my bf about it but lets think back to all of the instances when literally nothing was going on and my bf freaked out…and nothing I said or did could assuage his anger. I started thinking this 41 year old…did something to me. He was sending me gifts. He was 100% prepared for when I got laid off…did he get me fired so he could have a shot? He kept saying you’re not engaged, you’re not married, a boyfriend basically means you’re single “girls use that as a defense in the bay all the time.” I mean are you f***ing kidding me? You pursue women who clearly don’t want your attention by justifying it’s just a defense. I don’t know what happened that night…but I started feeling like I was getting hush money. That he had gotten me fired, that he had something over me and he was trying to win me over my bf. I cheated on my bf. The man I loved more than I ever thought I could. I cheated on him with this 41 year old. I saw him when I went to the bay and I cheated on him.Now 41 year old starts to facebook friend request my sisters…and showed up to dinners I had in the bay with my little sister (UNINVITED). I felt so threatened and uncomfortable and I thought…He’s going to tell Mr. Cool I did something with him….he has photos of that night, the night I don’t remember and he’s going to destroy my relationship with him. So I slept with him...More than once. I don't know if it was because I was scared, because I wanted to, because I figured things are over with Mr. Cool, because it seemed right...I dont knowI wanted to tell Mr. Cool. I really did but I didn’t know how to explain or justify what had happened. I knew he would get angry...I just didn't know how muchSo Mr. Cool is graduating…and he gets a guerilla email from someone saying “Hope you’re having fun on you special day, did you know your “girl” has been seeing someone since December?” 41 year old….sent him that message.Now, Mr.Cool confronted me. We talked about everything I told him everything and he decide I needed to work to earn his trust back, that I needed to bend over backwards to be with him again.And I said ok. I signed myself up to go to a counselor (another one from the one I had been seeing since this event happened, new job, new insurance, new counselor). I have busied myself with new volunteer efforts, gone to the climbing gym made plans with gfs worked to be happy by myself with out relying on him to make me happy…worked on just being ok with what happened and trying everyday to earn his trust back. Being forward with him about conversations with other men. Telling him if something had changed from what I previously told him. He assumed I was constantly lying and I ACTUALLY WASNT.So its been a month. I have told him everyday where I’m going who I’m seeing what I’m doing and sometimes things change, we're in a fight so I tell him new facts after. For example, a guy friend of mine who he is insanely jealous of since he is an ex of mine from 5 years ago wasn't going to a wedding I'm attending but is now going to a wedding I'm attending. This all came to light while we were fighting...it wasn't my top priority to tell him. But I did tell him with in 3-4 days of me finding this out for myself.He has called me a whore, he has told me he is going to kill himself because of this break up, he told me I had to have sucked a guys dick off in order to get my new job, he has told all of his friends and family I cheated on him and has isolated me from everyone else. He has accused me of wanting to sleep with all of my guy friends. He got mad at me for deleting photos when I tried to break up with him for the 100 time because I can’t take it anymore. He accused me of deleting photos so I could sleep with whoever I wanted when I had to travel for work… Who actually does that and like photographic evidence stops men from hitting on someone???I am at my lowest low. I don’t know what to do. I went out last night with old friends from my undergrad, males and females and he got so mad at me….He was out with his friends who didn’t want me to come because of what I did to him… I need some advise. I love him…I want to work though this but I really need the guy to meet me like 10% of the way there and I will carry the other 90%. He’s absolutely allowed to be hurt and angry but at what point is it too much?! There have been so many problems in this relationship and I’ve stood by thinking its just a phase, eventually he’ll leave stuff here, eventually he’ll want to hang out with my friends, eventually he’ll prioritize me over walking his dog…these were problems long before the 41 year old happened.I MESSED UP…I KNOW I DID I CHEATED ON HIM. But how do I move forward in this if he’s not willing to work to forgive me? via /r/dating_advice