#its like midnight as im queueing this so be kind to me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

t-underneaththeradardancing · 3 years

Text

kitsch n sink - actually something more poetic like w an enigmatic metaphor embedded - i did tell u bout the obsessive yah and u u musta guessed compulsive - and i aint lately seen a wild card but so many dealt already not all of them the good kind - t u not bob dylan neither miles davis - 3 fukken a em and here i am a yam like popeye - w coffee instead of spinach - unpoet suggested - anything to keep me from toss and turn like a record machine - spin me right round - well not exactly but close enuff for existential over easy just a pinch - im quantum quark like - imma edit cuz ig - or maybe keep it it onna tumblr down low not worry about size - or who iz reeding - actually like giving a speech i pretend that nobody is listening - wait imma mean dancing and people watching - tho u really dont wanna see wat that look like on t - worse than guitar grimace emoting thinking hez an og method acting its been a month or more since i mention wim wenders - imma reddy for demille close - up and godot - i am - awaiting

the things that sustain me maybe gonna kill me - life on life’s fukken terms - its gospel sunday - imma work on a building and a hallelujah fukken anyway - summer jest start imma think about the heat on - aging aint 4 sissyfussy - how i get so far and not even mention my kitty - and pet shop onna western town in a dead end world - but she is a good one of the - always - variety - in dire straits especially tho no bullet in the chest pleez - even once upon a time - a crash n burn while flyin maybe - to b expected part of game player - on the stage will yah

complicated - yah fs - but then again imma james bond - billy strange maybe a western but i only ride a horse a couple times - one practically wild i didnt know better - but thats a story for later maybe - remind me imma forget for sure for years maybe - was unbaked completely a while just to baseline reset assess - man was that confusing i dont know how peeple do it - actually - i do and did - pain could b debilitate if i let it but fukk - a song or 2 to play and a dozen in the queue - and slow af not 2 mention lazy - so a million things to do

imma live pretty much the way i duz it since jump street tho modifications - i mean 3 years ago i would swear i never give up smoking - 35 drinking i would tell u - the liver is a muscle it needs exercise and mean it laffing - but i almost coulda killed myself 18 months ago walking trippin take a header but i fall down good - used to recover - uh faster - anywaze im careful on steps dont even go near ladders

a stage yah - and a challenge - yah i can play a whole set twice - i think - stage fright of course par - emoting like a motherfukker over even - cramps in season - panic attack la mode de monde - shake it up not stir tho a marley - but hear and there - a glimpse a transcend moment - a flurry then slow sustain thick - imma trynna good foot - hard af sometimes - ego omg and off the chart fear - just enuff whatever takes and not too - for a - spell - flow stops time - weave a new pattern - imma wave not a particle - sometimes people listen - enough to sustain - keep on keeping - morning birdsong - i mitta slept a minnit just after midnight - no tambourine too noisy man but in the morning maybe jj - t its morning now and sid in ny sez nancy - and yes we heard the birds sing but shouldnt we save that for the usual - tho maybe all the bases covered - except murder

imma wrap it up - finally got new shades to replace broken - not lost - anywaze store wuz finally open

so officially imma rawk star again - i mean u cant possibly b without shades can u

#poetry i guess #sacred art productions

16 notes · View notes

itskimtaehyung · 6 years

Text

life updates

I feel like i’ve been kind of MIA lately in terms of updating tumblr and all that. Like usually nowadays I just fill up my queue and then log off and I dont really make that many personal posts or original content all that much lately.

Firstly, I want to update you all on all the new stuff I’ve been working on. I started a new painting series which is basically a Yeontan BT21 crossover. I have some ideas for continuing that circle painting series with OT7. I have Yoongi finished and I chose a color scheme for Hoseok. I did a painting for Hoseok’s birthday and I tried a new style that I’ve never done before and I’m really happy with how it turned out I can’t wait for you guys to see it!

In terms of writing, I’m currently working on a YoongixReader fic but it’s going slowly mainly because it’s kind of based on my life and I want to tell the story properly. I have a few scenes writing for some other fics but I don’t have concrete ideas or plots for them yet and I don’t know if I ever will. I plan on finishing the Always series but I’m not happy with the original plan I had for the series so I still have to rewrite my original ending. As for Jeon Jungkook is dead, I wrote part 1 very spur of the moment and honestly I dont remember what I wanted for part 2. I dont know if I’ll ever finish it tbh.

Now that those are out of the way, time for personal updates. As some of you may know, I started uni back in september. Before that I was going to community college to complete my general education requirements and now I’m taking courses that are very focused on my major aka the hard stuff. Also, we’re finally getting into the rocket science courses and they’re really cool!!! My workload is a lot heavier lately and I barely have time for sleep let alone writing and drawing. I’m taking 5 classes this quarter which may or may not have been a mistake but like homegirl wants to graduate on time.

For those of you who were following me during the whole “thirst boi” thing, no, i never hooked up with him, however, he is now one of my very good friends and has introduced me to another guy who’s also become a close friend. Like one time i slept over at their place and we baked cookies and watched cartoons.

I also mentioned a “cute boy” in one of my classes a while back. I think most of my posts were about wanting to talk to him but not knowing how. Well, I finally talked to him after midterms last quarter, we we also became very good friends. At one point I thought he really liked me. We would do homework together and he would offer to drive me home if we stayed late at the library. I was spending nearly all day everyday with him (and I still do). But sadly, I found out after the quarter ended that he has a girlfriend. tbh I still really like him and sometimes it’s hard spending so much time with him but not being able to be with him ya know? I honestly think the universe is working against me because he is literally like everything I look for in a guy. And he smells like something from my childhood???? Also one time he came over to my apartment when we had a break in between classes and he talked to my housemates and they all really got along with him and also really liked him, *sigh* You’ll see a lot of him in Yoongi in that fic i was talking about earlier.

i dont think I ever told you guys about my housemates. I’m living with one of my best friends from middle school and a few other people. Theyre all super nice and I’m so grateful to live with such amazing people. We all get along so well and have “house outings” on a regular basis. A couple of weeks ago we all went together to get 순두부 for one of their birthdays, and today three of us got pizza together after class and then four of us went together to get boba. And whenever we’re stressed or just need to wind down, we sit on the floor of the living room together (we dont have a couch or like furniture really) and talk and eat snacks and complain about our days etc. and two fo them like kpop/khh too! and we listen to it together from time to time. and we have ramen nights where some of us will cook ramen and just eat it together on the floor. we also tease each other a lot which is fun to some extent but can also be kind of annoying. one of the guys is a couple years ahead of me in school but we’re the same major so sometimes he helps me with homework. I’m also on a design project with him which is also pretty fun. I learned how to use a laser cutter for the project so that was really cool.

It’s midnight and i have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow for class but I still havent showered but im still really full from the pizza and only drank a quarter of my milk tea (its strawberry) (i luv strawberry). Anyway, that’s what’s been going on in my life for the last 5 wish months or so? to my old followers, thanks for sticking with me this long. And to my new followers, welcome, thanks for hitting that follow button. I am grateful to every single one of you for supporting me and encouraging me and giving me a safe place to complain or vent or whatever else i need to. also my housemate caught me writing this and he asked to be included in it lmao. his words were “are you writing about me? are you including any of my jokes in your post? am i not funny enough to be included in your tumblr posts?” and then he told me to tell yall that he caught me writing this and he wanted to be included. I dont think he’d ever be able to find my blog because I dont have it searchable by email nor do i use my real name but oh boy if he’s reading this, thats really creepy of you, tyler.

#this is kind of long but its pretty much whats been going on for the last 5 months or so #mine #text

4 notes · View notes

dw-writes · 7 years

Note

so, im a newish writer and I wanted to start writing on tumblr. do you have any advice on how to get more popular on tumblr or anything like that?

Well hey there and welcome!! :D Um? To get popular???

It’s hard to say? I don’t consider myself popular by any means. I just write for the fandoms that I enjoy. But for more notes, always tag and tag freely. Think of all the ways that you would search for something in a fandom. For example, when I do my tags for anything that I write for Aizawa Shouta I go by the following:

aizawa shouta, aizawa shota, shouta aizawa, shota aizawa,eraserhead,bnha,mha,boku no hero academia,my hero academia

Or for Gabriel Reyes, I would do the following:

gabriel reyes,reaper,overwatch

For me, it’s all depended on how I tag. When you post is important too, oddly. Try to post in the afternoon to the evening if you want more people to see what you’re writing! My own queue is set up to run from noon to midnight and posts every hour (if I ever have twelve pieces in my queue). You can set it up to when you know that blogs are more active or when you’re more active on tumblr and go from there!!

Another important tip is to not let the notes (or lack thereof) get to you. I do that sometimes and it can get discouraging but you also have to remember who you’re writing for. It took me forever to get it into my head that I’m writing for me and for @lpwrites because she’s my nesa and that not everyone is going to like what I write and thats okay (and its taken nesa years to drill that into my head). So you have to make sure not to get discouraged and to write all the time!!

Really, it’s like...shooting in the dark? Popularity on here is kind of dependent on what you write.

I hope that helps!! Feel free to tag me in whatever you do post! I’d love to read it!!

#dw speaks #writing advice #Anonymous

5 notes · View notes

bronson · 7 years

Text

eighty-five questions tag

rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people tagged by: @feyrelight thank u!!!!!

20 is a lot

tagging: @highkeynessian, @justbooklover, @rhysismybish, @jemcarstoirs, @night-and-stars-eternal, @illyrian-empress, @nestasbucket, @deceitofstars, @courtsofstarlight

the last … 1. drink: water lmao 2. phone call: my mom 3. text message: i asked my roommate if she wanted me to send her bed options for our room from ikea 4. song you listened to: rn i’m listening to U Don’t Know--DJ Fred O Remix by Justine Skye 5. time you cried: i honestly don’t know. i almost cried last night reading the Circle because what the FUCK okay i’m modifying this answer bc just now i got INSANE CRAMPS AND IM TEARING UP WHAT THE FUCK 6. dated someone twice: kinda???? not really tho idk 7. kissed someone and regretted it: ehhhhh yes 8. been cheated on: nope 9. lost someone special: yeeeeeea 10. been depressed: don’t think so 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: ...yes ? in the last year have you … 15. made new friends: yep!!! 16. fallen out of love: nope 17. laughed until you cried: i literally laugh at everything so YES 18. found out someone was talking about you: isnt someone always 19. met someone who changed you: hmmmm i don’t know yet 20. found out who your friends are: kinda? 21. kissed someone on your facebook list: maybe? i forget when things happened 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: almost all of them 23. do you have any pets: i have a cat and i love him with my whole heart 24. do you want to change your name: nope!!!!!! 25. what did you do for your last birthday: :) I WAS UPSET 26. what time did you wake up: 10:48am 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: reading The Circle 28. name something you can’t wait for: moving into my apartment with my friends!!!! 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: last night while eating dinner 31. what are you listening to right now: Infinite Stripes by Cashmere Cat &Ty Dolla $ign (okay now it’s YAH. by kendrick) 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yep i dated one!!! 33. something that is getting on your nerves: my lack of funds 34. most visited website: netflix probably lmao 35. hair colour: brown but light (almost blonde) ends 36. long or short hair: medium? 37. do you have a crush on someone: wish i did 38. what do you like about yourself: im funny 39. piercings: ears 40. blood type: i have no idea 41. nickname: lu, lusquetta, ludybird 42. relationship status: single single single single 43. zodiac: LIBRAAAAAAAAA 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: alright well get ready: supernatural (its getting lame but im committed), the office, arrested development, don’t trust the bitch in apartment 23, parks and rec, new girl, happy endings 46. tattoos: yep!!! i have my star sign constellation on my ribs and im getting a new one soon with my friend. its gonna be a question mark on the inside of my middle finger 47. right or left handed: right 48. surgery: nope 49. piercing: ears (im sure this has been asked twice) (yeah it has) 50. sport: lax boi (but i don’t play anymore bc im lame) 51. vacation: i wanna go back to costa rica and just fucking chill 52. pair of trainers: nike free runs like a basic ass bitch from 2014 more general 53. eating: i love omelettes idk 54. drinking: water tbh that’s so lame. also flavored seltzer IDKIDK 55. i’m about to: queue a bunch of shit, work on my internship, listen to music, finish the penelopiad 56. waiting for: BECOMING OF NOAH SHAW and stranger things 2 and paramore concert and school 57. want: to get a rabbit and name her ruby and then get another and name him max 58. get married: if i fall in love with someone and its realistic idk 59. career: i have NO FUCKING IDEA 60. hugs or kisses: both? 61. lips or eyes: eyes 62. shorter or taller: taller 63. older or younger: older tbh. 64. nice arms or nice stomach: aRRRMMMSSS MMMMM 65. hook up or relationship: either at this point im so fucking single 66. troublemaker or hesitant: depends on my mood 67. kissed a stranger: no but kind of idk 68. drank hard liquor: yes 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: nope but they’re kinda broken 70. turned someone down: YEP AND IT SUCKS 71. sex on the first date: idk depends where im at in life 72. broken someone’s heart: ye 73. had your heart broken: by a friend not by a SO 74. been arrested: nope but ive ridden in the back of a police car 75. cried when someone died: no 76. fallen for a friend: almost but no do you believe in … 77. yourself: yes. even when i kind of dont i suck it up and believe 78. miracles: no 79. love at first sight: no 80. santa claus: sometimes 81. kiss on the first date: YES TF if u dont kiss me bye 82. angels: no other 83. current best friend’s name: den 84. eye colour: brown 85. favourite movie: jkfdhagkldfhagkjldhfagkjdfhgkdjfgh too many to name im sorry

#tag

10 notes · View notes

lightoverturesystem · 7 years

Text

I think one of the hardest things for me to cope with has been missing the ones who have abused me in the past. Given I grew up in maddening isolation, when I entered into my teenage years and was finally able to branch out into the world, I clutched to just about anyone who would give me the time of day. I had no idea what I was doing, and since I missed a lot of normal socialization and developmental growth, had no idea how to interact with people in general. All I knew was combat or flee, quite literally my life has been nothing but fight or flight.

And for some of these people it had been the same, bringing devastating results, a hurricane meeting with a warm tidal wave. When one would take a combat stance, I would run. One of my lovers even disdainfully called me “a runner.” I’m not sure if the goal was to shame me, point out the obvious or make me aware of something I already knew, but either way, not being given the safety in life to live a life outside flight-or-fight mode has left its scars on other people. That’s a whole other layer given to me by my childhood trauma to undo, to grieve for, feel about, and eventually overcome. He also called me a coward for having what as my therapist puts it, “a normal reaction for your body given the circumstances and the fact your body was trained and brain hard wired this way.” Doesn’t excuse the pain it causes others, but understanding and context too is important. But that’s another rant for another day. Anyway, it was rare I could be the person who could de-escalate a situation and calm it down if it wasn’t mediating between two others. When others would run, I would start to get angry, but that didn’t usually last. I would usually become sad, because I understood, in a way.

I have a lot of flaws when it comes to socializing. I know how to appear passably normal in society if I choose to do so, but once you start to learn who I am under the surface, the entire picture falls apart. Bits and pieces don’t add up, if you are skilled enough to look deeper. This is why I choose to be very open online, because having to fake all of this in the physical world can be maddening; if I had to do it in the digital world too… Well I just don’t think it’s possible for me. Anyway, anyone who gets intimate enough with me are told of my flaws the best I know of them because it affects my socialization, especially in intimate relationships.

For example, the previously aforementioned lover also told me while a lot of the issues in the relationship was his fault, I had a problem where I made him feel safe emotionally when we really weren’t, because I would assure him I would keep him safe, but when things got messy, my emotions dropped to instinctually protect myself. This issue of mine varies person to person, but one variable remains the same. If I feel unsafe with someone, that’s when the wall has always gone up. I often put it up without even consciously recognizing it. Its been second nature to me. In this case, I was unable to put it down even when desiring to do so because it truly just wasn’t safe at the time. Finally now I am in a place where not only am I able to tear the walls down, but most of them never need to be built up in the first place; and if I sense bricks starting to stack, I feel safe enough to address it. And in the future if I don’t feel safe, depending on the situation, I know now to either take a risk to talk about it or remove myself as safely as possible.

When it comes to being or listening to someone being abused, my emotional protector Morgue switches or starts using passive influence, and I no longer can access a normal range of emotions. Everything feels flat, and dull. I don’t feel empathy where I should. I feel almost nothing.

It can be terrifying, in hindsight, or even in the moment. Sometimes in these moments, I am at the back of my innerworld desperately clawing to get free. I am far away, and have trouble hearing, and I want nothing more than to communicate; it hurts. I am dissociated almost against my will, it feels like. Other times if I feel I’ve been done a serious wrong, I can be completely cold and unfeeling. Either way, it is not good, or conductive to good relationships or personal health. What once kept me alive and safe, stopped people from taking advantage of me as a child, has been holding me down.

Luckily for me, I understand this issue of self and it is a work in progress between my current lover and I. When in a situation of nurture, I am far better able to dismantle the wall faster, and Morgue not only knows he does not need to protect me from her, but is actually starting to feel emotion regarding her, to which I am elated. If in a situation of conflict, I know enough about myself and have a solid ground in the relationship to tell Morgue his job isn’t needed, that it is okay to feel and be vulnerable here.

In the last year I have started to really analyze my own behavior, now that mentally I am in a place I can start to look and vow to become a better person rather than just want to off myself or – to my ignorance, have someone system flood. (Looking at you, Kyle.) I haven’t always liked what I found. I’m at fault for turning the other way often, for what I found was so much like my parents that still being around them, it wasn’t my time to undo it. I couldn’t safely keep my hatred for my mother under control and also live with her at the same time. Undoing these things would mean I would have to study their roots, and that would bring feelings about her I couldn’t afford to have until now.

But before I started doing this, I had become friends with the first handful of folk who were like myself in the only ways I thought mattered. They were all LGBT, some were just queer, some were trans, we all loved BDSM and some were systems like myself. All were mentally ill, and we all clicked in various different ways.

In the next two years as I started to read, change and find who I am, I started to see in these people a mix of patterns and behaviors I had to undo myself, and things I’d never had inside me in the first place. As I learned what abuse really was and wasn’t, what I saw in others scared me. In this time, I was still not quite self aware enough to know my own needs or what was good and bad for me. I told myself its their issues to work out, to give patience. I tried not to just flee. But eventually as I started realizing how I was being treated, how I was being lied to, just passively or by omission, being manipulated, blackmailed and worse, one by one I realized it was time to leave again. This was different than running, this was standing up for myself. I had to detach myself from people I loved, but who treated me in ways I either had no idea how to handle, or were just plain cruel. And that was unbelievably hard; realizing I would have to go back to being almost entirely alone was almost too bad a thought that I nearly turned away from. But I didn’t. Instead, I thought about how each loss was a difficult act of self love, and continues to be every day. Each loss was me saying, “I love you, but dammit, I love me now too. And you shouldn’t treat me this way. So if you must, I must bid you goodbye because it isn’t healthy for me and isn’t what I need right now.”

Each loss was harder than the last, as the people I considered family eventually dwindled to two. Months I spent building, gone.

I learned about how survivors of abuse often fell into this pattern of being around abusers without even realizing it. I felt stupid; surely with all my psychology background I would have noticed this happening? And it’s true, somewhere, I took note of red flags of all these people, and took this valuable clipboard of information and all but through it out a mental window. I learned a good lesson from that about listening to gut instinct, let me tell you. This handful of people, the only I considered family, I didn’t want these people I believed in so much to truly be this way. I thought better of them. There’s no way they could be as bad, especially after learning what happened to me, and the way they reacted to that, right? I wish I had been right. But it taught me a valuable lesson of passing on patterns, instilling my vow to not do it myself, at least perhaps besides what I have already done. That was a mistake on my part for some of them. Others put up false personas of who they actually were and I had to see through.

It’s been a year of my loss of some, and I’m still grieving.

It seemed just when I was starting to grieve one person’s loss, it was time to lose another. The grieving comes in waves. Not just 3-am-its-dark-and-im-lonely kind of waves. It comes at 9 am when I wake and would normally call someone and now find my breakfast a lot more quiet. The sunlight streaming through the trees at a particular time of day will bring back memories. It comes at 11:30 in the morning on a bus when you know someone’s tumblr queue would normally be going off. It comes at midnight when someone would come home from work and the last thing you’d hear is their voice before bed. And yes, it still comes at 3 am, because it would be their 9 am, and you’d want to make sure their day has been starting okay so far. It comes playing my favorite videogame ever, that I haven’t picked up since The Loss™ because there are a handful of ghosts around me. In hearing The Neighborhood, and often when I learn something new about myself as a system.

Because of my issues socializing, because of not wanting to go back to what feels like isolation, missing my abusers has been something I’ve battled with for years. These issues amplify my feelings of isolation and that no one else will ever love me; they strike hard into the core of who I am.

Every day, I fight. Some days are easier than others. There can be long periods of time I don’t think about anyone. But I end up stepping on a trigger, maybe its a new Pokemon game coming out, a new Wednesday 13 album or seeing Luke Cage has been added to Netflix or crossing the street where someone I loved once lived. But when it happens, I’m fighting until I’m lying in the fetal position in my bed feeling stabs of pain through my chest where sobs would be because trauma stops me from being able to cry most of the time.

I think society has this stigma that when you leave an abusive person, you should feel proud. That you should burn bridges and never want to talk to them again. You should feel triumphant, and sick if the thought of ever talking to them should cross your mind.

But that’s not what it’s always like.

With some of these people I can truly let go of and say “thank fuck that’s over.” With others, it’s clawing myself out of a hole for a couple years almost. And sometimes I hate myself, I feel dirty and disgusting in a way no shower can clean and I delve into my own psychology, turning over every mental rock I can find for an answer for something until months later I come to it. Sometimes people’s words rub into old wounds so raw that it takes you months to clean them out once you can bare to fold back the bandage reeking of infection by the time you are brave enough to address it.

Nostalgia is a great liar. It will whisper to you whenever you are down and out for the count and tell you that you need or want someone back in your life that you really, really don’t. A brain addicted to the chemical ups and downs of abuse will tell you all this quiet is driving you up a wall, even though when in the thick of it, quiet is all you wanted. That being wound up in a panic attack at 3 am, heart pounding and frozen in terror, falling-apart-at-the-seams with sadness and rage afterward is far more exciting than sitting in the dark alone at night. This is the nature of growing up with abuse. Your body can learn to crave it. Without it, something doesn’t quite feel right.

My therapist tells me this is normal. She tells me to be more gentle with myself, because inside my head I am incredibly harsh. I tell myself I’m a disgrace to human beings, and by doing that I put a disrespect with my selfishness to all those have ever loved me.

She tells me I am not a bad person for the mistakes I made to others too; if this is all I knew, how can I be expected to know otherwise?

She reminds me things are no longer about anyone else’s opinions. I tell her “but no one has to be gentle on me for what I have done, they are allowed to be angry.” She tells me that is true, but in order to heal, to keep changing and to let go of what anyone else thinks of me, or can see, I am going to have to forgive myself.

So I start to try, and then I slowly start to forgive.

I take a look at the child and teen I was. Lost, terrified, ignorant to everything but a world full of abuse. I spent my teenage years begging for help, with nothing ever coming. I look at the young adult he turned into, fumbling through this life. He’s gotten some help here and there, but realized no one can save himself but himself. And in his pain, he’s made a lot of mistakes. A whole new layer to address in therapy, the trauma caused by trauma. None were done on purpose sure, but regardless, they were still there; scars on others due to his ignorance. I decide to hold him responsible for his actions, and maybe I did far too harshly for far too long, but… Would I be unforgiving if that was someone else? If it was someone I loved?

No.

Most I’ve known who have made a mistake where they weren’t directly trying to harm me in some form or another, I have forgiven.

I accept I still have a lot to learn. I accept that I will make a lot more mistakes in the future.

And in turn, I apply this knowledge to some of the people I know too. They too have known really nothing else either, and are working to undo abusive behaviors too. I feel something move inside, like a piece of a puzzle locking into place, right where it belonged.

Forgiveness comes a little easier now. Not forgetting, not refusing to hold anyone accountable, but understanding. “Understand, then seek to be understood.”

I never have seen these people as just good-or-bad people because of their abuse. Sometimes I wish I could; but I have done both horrible and wonderful things myself, and understand I am not the only one. What makes them this or that are an alignment of other morals now, and if they are trying to break patterns, be better people, or are just turning away from all their flaws. If they hold themselves responsible or make excuses.

Missing your abusers can come as a terrible blow to a lot of survivors; why would you miss such a terrible thing? But for a lot of us, our abusers, outside the abuse, were great people. Which on the outside, may sound like one wild contradiction. But in reality, they may be great representers in a community, they may be amazing caretakers, or a great friend when you are going through a hard time. They can be creative, happy people who do generous things for others. But they can still be abusive. This is why so many people have issue identifying abusers, or accepting someone they love is one.

“But X does ____ and ___!”

“Yes, but they also do ___ and ____”

Life is full of grey areas, and some tones are so close in color, they are barely distinguishable. It is not so black and white, all-or-nothing, good-or-bad person. Most of us are not entirely good or evil. Toxic thinking like this will only get people more hurt, and less understanding will occur in the world.

Some of my exes, outside their abuse, are some of the most creative and thoughtful people I know; some of them genuinely want to help mankind be better, some are advocates like myself, all of which in the end only served to make things more painful and confusing. But they are also some of the most awful people I’ve come across, who have said unspeakable things to me and burned me for defending myself. Some were to me, a person who would hit a dog for biting them after a history of striking the dog in the face. Some have in the same month made me feel the safest I had ever felt in my life, and then put everything I love in jeopardy.

Humanity is confusing.

Knowing all this, I think it’s okay to miss someone you do or once loved. The good parts and the bad, long as you can recognize why, and keep yourself safe. They were an intimate part of your lives, you had someone you shared milestone moments with. Don’t let anyone, especially them, shame you for that. There is nothing wrong, nothing shameful, about missing someone. I see too many breakups being played like games where people are shunned for grieving and expected to never feel anything about the breakup, especially over social media. People’s hearts are not pawns, and if an ex treats your breakup like a game, not engaging or playing it will in the long run, help you go far. This may not be possible with some abusers, so judge wisely. Safety, first. But if you can keep yourself safe by not taking what is often bait, if you are successful in not viewing things that way, you’ll save yourself a lot of trouble. Viewing things as a game only distances yourself from the pain that will refuse to go unaddressed forever, and possibly cause new layers of pain on top because of consequences to actions taken by “playing” this “game.”

That being said, I’m starting to allow myself to grieve more deeply. For those I’ve lost, for myself, for the child in me who despite everything, keeps reaching forward for the love he so boldly dares to believe he deserves.

#word vomit????#i just felt like writing on what i have been thinking about lately #abuse tw #tw abusive relationship #documentation

2 notes · View notes

samanthasroberts · 6 years

Text

The making of a hangover: the true impact of one night out

Six reporters in city centres across the country report on one night of British drinking and its impact on the National Health Service

The calm before the storm

8.20pm, Cardiff

Police officers at Cardiff Central police station listen to the Cardiff After Dark briefing before heading out into the city. Photograph: Gareth Phillips for the Guardian

Were at the Cardiff ATC alcohol treatment centre; a collaboration between Cardiff and Vale University health board, local councils, South Wales police, the Welsh ambulance service and Cardiff Street Pastors. Right now, the police are preparing for the evening with a Cardiff After Dark meeting in the Welsh capitals main police station.

Sgt Gavin Howard briefs his team on what theyre doing tonight, with a slideshow with some interesting facts and figures. Last month, there were 145 people treated at the ATC, which is designed to ease pressure on hospital A&E staff by treating people with minor injuries and people suffering from too much drink.

Howard reminds officers to look out for revellers who pre-load drink heavily and cheaply at home before heading into the city centre. Pre-loading is seen as a particular problem for the emergency services the kids call it prinking pre-drinking. Steve Morris

9.09pm, Southampton

Consultant Dr Diana Hulbert, working in University hospital, Southampton, in the accident and emergency. Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian

Emergency consultant Diana Hulbert, who is in charge tonight, explains that not all alcohol-related attendances happen after a night on the town. A classic one is people waking up the next day and finding their wrist turned the wrong way, says Hulbert. So people are just as likely to present on the morning after.

She doesnt judge people who turn up in the department because of alcohol-related injuries or accidents, but says over the past 20 years she had noticed changes that are concerning.

People drink differently. Spirits is more a young persons drink and they can make people profoundly drunk very quickly. A beer is two units and you cant drink that many, maybe 10 pints. But if youre drinking shots, you can down five in five minutes. Thats what young people do. Lisa OCarroll

Keeping people out of A&E

Across the country, teams of people tour the streets treating relatively minor injuries suffered by people out on the town. In Manchester, they are called the Street Angels; Cardiff and other cities have their Street Pastors and, in Leicester, they are the Polamb.

Members of the Manchester Street Angels call a young womans father in order to help her get home. Photograph: Gary Calton for the Guardian

9.15pm, Leicester

On some nights the Polamb police-ambulance alcohol treatment vehicle in Leicester is a hub for treating people with alcohol-related injuries, attending up to 15 incidents in a night. It gets to the point that some of the local people recognise the Polamb and the paramedics who drive it. Jane Squire, East Midlands ambulance service paramedic, says one man she used to see regularly in the streets, a heavy drinker who would often call the ambulance for help, called her his green angel, for the dark green of the ambulance service uniform.

Sometimes theyll come up have a conversation with you and say: Ive cut my finger, can I have a plaster? says Squire. Other times theyll come up and say: Ive hurt my hand, can you take me to hospital? and Ill say: It says ambulance, not taxi.

Emergency services in Leicester city centre. Photograph: Kate Lyons for the Guardian

But the first call-out the Polamb has received now that the policeman for the evening, Const Joe Couchman, is on board is more serious treating a man in his 40s who suffered a cardiac arrest on the street. This isnt a typical call-out for the Polamb, not being alcohol-related, though it is believed the man was a heavy drinker, but they go where the need arises. Kate Lyons

11.13pm, Edinburgh

Tony Clapham (left) with his team of Edinburgh Street Pastors out on the streets. Photograph: Murdo Macleod for the Guardian

At Greenside parish church on Royal Terrace, in the centre of Edinburgh, the citys Street Pastors are preparing for the night with tea, home baking and a rousing hymn or two.

Street Pastors is an initiative of the Ascension Trust and was pioneered in London in 2013. It is now active in 270 towns and cities across the UK.

Street Pastors are volunteers from local churches who patrol in teams of men and women, usually from 10pm to 4am on a Friday and Saturday night, to care for, listen to and help people who out on the streets, whether celebrating on a hen night or homeless.

Two teams are going out tonight, one to the Grassmarket and another to George Street, with backpacks containing flasks of hot drinks and biscuits.

As team leader Tony Clapham explains, some of these volunteers have been working on the night time streets and have built up strong relationships with homeless people, as well as police and paramedics and other concerned with health and safety of the night time economy. Libby Brooks

Midnight, Stoke

Senior sister Nicola Beckett tries to wake a man who has come into A&E with suspected alcohol abuse issues at Royal Stoke University hospital in Stoke-on-Trent. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

One man, a regular alcohol abuser, has run off from hospital, and senior sister Nicola Beckett has to send police to find him, because he is now deemed a vulnerable adult as he has not had full medical checkups.

The hospital now has so many regular attendees they have a special group for them all, which flags up if someone has been in more than three times a month. Sometimes Beckett sees someone twice a day.

Paramedic Tracy Proud (2nd left, purple hair) along with paramedic colleagues care for an unconscious man who is admitted to A&E with suspected alcohol abuse issues at Royal Stoke University hospital in Stoke-on-Trent. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

You do get friendly with them, they are as nice to you as you are to them. You do see them decline, the physical decline. You admit them to rehab but you just know youll see them again. Its an addiction, an illness. So many, you are discharging them and they say: Ive got no home to go to. You sometimes do get a sense they are here for a hot meal and a bed and a kind face.

Beckett has seen some terrifying moments too. I dont want to make it too dramatic. But yes, I have feared for my life. You are trained in conflict management, self-defence. But if someone is drunk and aggressive, I cant handle that myself.

Elsewhere, she reported, patients were queuing on beds in the corridor at the ambulance triage. Paramedic Tracy Proud was liaising with A&E staff to speed up the transfer of people.

Paramedic Tracy Proud. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

Its ridiculous, she said, looking over her shoulder at the queue of beds behind her. One patient has a can of Skol under the trolley.

I think if you went through most of the patients, 85% shouldnt be here. People have a different view about what an emergency is. If Im called to look after a teenager or young person who is drunk, I call their parents straight away. Parents dont realise it, but its not our job to just be watching a drunk person who has passed out.

Agitated patients have lashed out in the back of moving ambulance. I had one patient who I thought was asleep and he came to, and he turned on me. I had to jump out the side door of the van. Jessica Elgot

A nurse attends to a young female student from Keele University who has been taken to A&E with suspected alochol abuse issues and is treated in resus at Royal Stoke University hospital in Stoke-on-Trent Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

12.17am, Manchester

Josh Halliday speaks with chief Angel, Rachel Goddard.

12.58am, Southampton

Nurse Katherine Chipande working in A&E at University hospital, Southampton. Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian

A night out in Southampton has turned into a night in A&E for one young woman who has just been admitted with a head injury. She had been at a party and fell and hit her head. There was alcohol and drugs, said nurse Catherine Chipande.

There are about 20 other patients in the majors area with two sleeping off the alcohol and a third about to be assessed.

Trouble 1.17am, Liverpool

Two Mikes, 23 and 32, a Carl, 18 and a Tom, 23, are sitting in a pub in the small hours. None has ever ended up in A&E, though Toms ended up in the drunk and disorderly, you know, the police. He got tangled up in the theft of a plastic ornament and jostled a plain clothes police officer leaping from a Vauxhall Corsa, five years ago. This is my time, he says triumphantly, to get my story out. If Id known he were a copper, things would have gone very differently. I was at my aunties 40th.

Mike the younger said: Things happen when youre drunk. I hit my cousin in the face on my 20th birthday.

The bottom line, said Mike the older, is that if youre trouble, trouble will find you. Yes, said the younger Mike resoundingly. My cousin went to Krazy House … Is that with a C or a K? How can you ask that? (they all shake their heads). And the next thing you know, hes had his nose broken. Is this the same cousin you punched in the face? I gave him a black eye. Someone else broke his nose. Theres levels. I know this, I studied law at A level.

The older Mike takes control. This is a beautiful place. This isnt a degenerate place. Independent bars, independent clubs, independent eateries. The transformation of Liverpool, the systemic regeneration of every part of this city, is almost beyond compare. I love this city and the people of this city. Zoe Williams

The view from the professionals

1.26am, Southampton

All has been calm in the assessment area in Southampton until now when a very aggressive drunk man is admitted with a cut to his face, swearing at anyone in sight. He is being held down by two policemen. We are advised not to go near him. Fuck off, he shouts to a female ambulance crew member accompanying him.

The man is refusing to cooperate as he is placed in a bay next to an elderly lady, beaming with a grateful smile towards the two nurses attending to her.

It takes a while for experienced staff to calm down the 29-year-old. Then its all sweetness and light, with a friendly hello for staff as he is wheeled in to majors for further assessment.

Sometimes its like that but sometimes they dont calm down at all and they get carried out in handcuffs. If it gets too bad and they have been assessed and they are not too bad they are just taken away by police, said receptionist Sarah Jones. Lisa OCarroll

1.46am, Manchester

Outside Deansgate Locks, a popular party spot with several bars and clubs, its not quite kicking out time but were already seeing a couple of early casualties. A drunk girl has fallen and cut her knee badly. Shes crying on the phone to her parents while being treated by the Street Angels. Another job saved from paramedics. Josh Halliday

1.51am, Stoke

Dr Ben Arnold in A&E at Royal Stoke University hospital in Stoke-on-Trent. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

Dr Ben Arnold, a senior house office in emergency medicine, loves a Friday night in the minor injuries section.

I like drunk people when they are not so unwell, you can joke with them. Their friends have brought them in because theyre worried about them, but from a medical point of view, theyre healthy, you can have a chat. Theres a common theme which colours the excuses made by revellers as they come round in A&E.

They say their drink has been spiked, their friends say: They always drink this much, it must be something in the drink. But it obviously is because they have had more than usual or havent eaten enough.

Its younger ones, 18-year-olds, who are more honest about it. They do get very embarrassed especially if they have had a loss of continence. And they have to go home in a hospital gown.

Sometimes, its not just the patients causing Arnold all the bother. Its friends and relatives who might be a bit drunk. They get bored, they dress up in the gloves and gowns, mucking about and you have to go and remind them that a hospital is a serious place. Jessica Elgot

1.55am, Cardiff

A nurse helps a very drunk teenager at the ATC in Bridge Street, Cardiff. Photograph: Gareth Phillips for the Guardian

An 18-year-old student is found lying alone, clearly drunk, on the pavement close to the university. There were a series of sexual assaults on women in this area last year so passersby are worried and dial 999.

She has not been assaulted but has simply drunk too much at a house party. An ambulance crew arrives and takes her to the alcohol treatment centre ATC. She is sick on the way and sick several times at the ATC.

At the ATC she is assessed and given water. Ceri Martin, a sister, and Charlotte Pritchard, a healthcare support worker tend to her. She is joined by a friend at the ATC and they sit together, slumped in a corner, waiting for her to recover.

Shell be here for two or three hours while she gets herself together, said Martin. Well get her to drink water, observe her and keep her warm. Then well make sure she gets home safely.

Im just glad that theres a place like this for young women like that. Shes in a safe place and were helping keep pressure off A&E.

A street pastor radios in to say she is bringing someone in to the ATC. So it begins, says Pritchard. It still could be a long night/morning here.

But its not always a thankless task, as this note at the ATC indicates:

steven morris (@stevenmorris20) January 23, 2016

A grateful patient cared for at the alcohol treatment centre in Cardiff. pic.twitter.com/CiLLATTFIV

2am, Manchester

Josh Halliday talks to Street Angel volunteer Paul Jones

2.01am, Southampton

Suspected drunk male brought into the assessment area of A&E in University hospital, Southampton. Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian

Two more alcohol admissions in Southampton in the space of 10 minutes, one so inebriated he is semi-conscious.

The worry here is that the alcohol might mask a head injury, says nurse Sam Carter. So we do a set of neuro obs [observations] and lactate assessment to see if he is dehydrated. We might also resort to pain stimuli, squeeze his trapezium really hard to check his responses, she adds. Ouch. Lisa OCarroll

2.10am, Stoke

Back in Stoke, there are 99 patients in A&E at 2am, which is an achievement for the staff, the first time numbers have dropped below 100 since 4.30pm yesterday. Patients are being discharged, or waiting to be admitted to other departments as beds there become available. Though some staff are beginning to end their shifts, many others are here until the morning. More than 100 people have come through the doors already since midnight; some who have overindulged tonight are on trollies in the corridor making emotional phone calls. There is more work to do before the night is over for A&E staff five more ambulances are on their way. Jessica Elgot

Source: http://allofbeer.com/the-making-of-a-hangover-the-true-impact-of-one-night-out/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/01/02/the-making-of-a-hangover-the-true-impact-of-one-night-out/

0 notes

adambstingus · 6 years

Text

The making of a hangover: the true impact of one night out

Six reporters in city centres across the country report on one night of British drinking and its impact on the National Health Service

The calm before the storm

8.20pm, Cardiff

Police officers at Cardiff Central police station listen to the Cardiff After Dark briefing before heading out into the city. Photograph: Gareth Phillips for the Guardian

9.09pm, Southampton

Consultant Dr Diana Hulbert, working in University hospital, Southampton, in the accident and emergency. Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian

She doesnt judge people who turn up in the department because of alcohol-related injuries or accidents, but says over the past 20 years she had noticed changes that are concerning.

Keeping people out of A&E

Members of the Manchester Street Angels call a young womans father in order to help her get home. Photograph: Gary Calton for the Guardian

9.15pm, Leicester

Emergency services in Leicester city centre. Photograph: Kate Lyons for the Guardian

11.13pm, Edinburgh

Tony Clapham (left) with his team of Edinburgh Street Pastors out on the streets. Photograph: Murdo Macleod for the Guardian

At Greenside parish church on Royal Terrace, in the centre of Edinburgh, the citys Street Pastors are preparing for the night with tea, home baking and a rousing hymn or two.

Street Pastors is an initiative of the Ascension Trust and was pioneered in London in 2013. It is now active in 270 towns and cities across the UK.

Two teams are going out tonight, one to the Grassmarket and another to George Street, with backpacks containing flasks of hot drinks and biscuits.

Midnight, Stoke

The hospital now has so many regular attendees they have a special group for them all, which flags up if someone has been in more than three times a month. Sometimes Beckett sees someone twice a day.

Elsewhere, she reported, patients were queuing on beds in the corridor at the ambulance triage. Paramedic Tracy Proud was liaising with A&E staff to speed up the transfer of people.

Paramedic Tracy Proud. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

Its ridiculous, she said, looking over her shoulder at the queue of beds behind her. One patient has a can of Skol under the trolley.

12.17am, Manchester

Josh Halliday speaks with chief Angel, Rachel Goddard.

12.58am, Southampton

Nurse Katherine Chipande working in A&E at University hospital, Southampton. Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian

There are about 20 other patients in the majors area with two sleeping off the alcohol and a third about to be assessed.

Trouble 1.17am, Liverpool

Mike the younger said: Things happen when youre drunk. I hit my cousin in the face on my 20th birthday.

The view from the professionals

1.26am, Southampton

The man is refusing to cooperate as he is placed in a bay next to an elderly lady, beaming with a grateful smile towards the two nurses attending to her.

It takes a while for experienced staff to calm down the 29-year-old. Then its all sweetness and light, with a friendly hello for staff as he is wheeled in to majors for further assessment.

1.46am, Manchester

1.51am, Stoke

Dr Ben Arnold in A&E at Royal Stoke University hospital in Stoke-on-Trent. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

Dr Ben Arnold, a senior house office in emergency medicine, loves a Friday night in the minor injuries section.

Its younger ones, 18-year-olds, who are more honest about it. They do get very embarrassed especially if they have had a loss of continence. And they have to go home in a hospital gown.

1.55am, Cardiff

A nurse helps a very drunk teenager at the ATC in Bridge Street, Cardiff. Photograph: Gareth Phillips for the Guardian

Shell be here for two or three hours while she gets herself together, said Martin. Well get her to drink water, observe her and keep her warm. Then well make sure she gets home safely.

Im just glad that theres a place like this for young women like that. Shes in a safe place and were helping keep pressure off A&E.

A street pastor radios in to say she is bringing someone in to the ATC. So it begins, says Pritchard. It still could be a long night/morning here.

But its not always a thankless task, as this note at the ATC indicates:

steven morris (@stevenmorris20) January 23, 2016

A grateful patient cared for at the alcohol treatment centre in Cardiff. pic.twitter.com/CiLLATTFIV

2am, Manchester

Josh Halliday talks to Street Angel volunteer Paul Jones

2.01am, Southampton

Suspected drunk male brought into the assessment area of A&E in University hospital, Southampton. Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian

Two more alcohol admissions in Southampton in the space of 10 minutes, one so inebriated he is semi-conscious.

2.10am, Stoke

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/the-making-of-a-hangover-the-true-impact-of-one-night-out/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/169240948782

0 notes