#its really interesting the way that different topics seem to have ebbed and flowed in popularity over the yrs

[maevanic]

being an oldhead tcc-er is crazy. this place has changed so much. i miss the wild west days of tumblr. also, do kids these days know about lynn ann….?!!;!:$;!3!

[jse-element-au]

Fugent and the Medicus

Summary: Chase meets up with Henrik at a coffee shop for one of their customary weekly chats, planning to tell him about the weird things that have been happening to him. Unfortunately, things go awry.

Trigger Warnings: None

Chase felt the knot in his stomach tighten as he approached the coffee shop. He had been planning to ask Henrik about “the incident”, as he had decided to call it, and maybe bring up these pow-oddities that he discovered after it. He’d sound like a total nutcase, but he wasn’t really sure what else to do. Henrik was one of the smartest people he knew, plus one of his closest friends, so talking to him about it seemed like the only rational choice left. 

As he walked into the coffee shop, Chase peered around, trying to find Henrik. He eventually spotted him scrunched up in a booth with a somewhat wilted potted plant on the table, his usual black coffee already in hand. Henrik was wearing a green turtleneck with black sweatpants, and was occasionally glancing up while he sipped his coffee and checked his phone. Chase wasn’t sure why, but he kept glancing over at Henrik while he ordered his water (he didn’t really feel like having tea today). Henrik seemed somewhat off, or…different, for some reason. Chase realized what it was when he was picking up his drink. Is it just me, or does Henrik look...nervous?

“Hey!” he called to the doctor as he approached the booth. Henrik’s concerned expression dropped when he saw Chase and his face split into a grin. “Sorry I’m late, I had to help Emily with her homework.”

“It’s fine,” Henrik replied in his thick German accent. “I should be the one apologizing, I got here quite early. How is Emily? What was her homework about?”

“Oh, God. She’s started working on piecewise graphs, and of course she procrastinated, so I had to help her today. It was a total nightmare! I was so confused, I had to Google what it was when she wasn’t looking.” 

Henrik snorted. “That’s what happens when you drop out of high school.”

“Shut up, man,” Chase insisted, grinning from ear to ear. “How was your week? Did you have to help anyone out with their math homework?” he teased.

“I did, actually. Well, it was biology, not math, which was really easy for me.” Henrik smirked at Chase before sipping his coffee. “Surprisingly.”

“Oh my God, you’re such a smart-ass,” Chase laughed. 

“At least that’s better than being an idiot like you!” Henrik quickly responded, also laughing. 

Chase stopped worrying about Henrik as they continued their conversation. He wasn’t acting particularly nervous. He was making fun of Chase a little bit more than usual, which did usually happen when he got nervous about something. Chase just figured it was because he might have an important surgery to do tomorrow, or an inspection later that week from his boss, or something along those lines. Henrik valued his job so much that sometimes Chase wondered if he even cared about anything else. 

The only problem was that Chase couldn’t find the right moment to bring up his concerns. He never really went into these chats with a specific topic he wanted to talk about, but now that he was, he wasn’t really sure how to do it. Their conversation flowed like water, easily changing from one topic to the next and without many breaks in between. Eventually, however, he was given the opportunity, though not in the way he expected.

“Okay, so in my most recent video, I went to a skatepark with my crew to try some stuff out,” Chase was explaining. “I haven’t practiced in a while, but I was doing pretty well, right? Haven’t fallen yet, done some pretty cool tricks, recorded some interesting stuff. But then, as I was trying to grind on a rail, blam!” He spread his hands out for dramatic effect, knocking his water over in turn. It spread quickly across the table, and was about to soak Henrik’s phone and get under his coffee cup when Chase noticed.

“And the stupidest part was-Oh my God, Henrik! I’m so sorry!” Chase yelped. “I’ll go and get some napkins.”

With that, Chase dashed towards the stand that contained the napkins. Oh God, what if it ruins Henrik’s stuff?, he fretted. How can I be so clumsy? I really hope it doesn’t ruin any of his things. He grabbed about thirty napkins and rushed back to the table, where Henrik was staring across the table, mouth agape. 

“What? What’s wrong? Did the water get on your phone? If it did, I’ll buy you a new one. I’m really really sorry I spilled, it was an accident! I’m such a clutz,” Chase explained.

Instead of acknowledging what Chase had just told him, Henrik just said, “Look...at the water…” and pointed to the opposite side of the booth.

Chase asked him, “Wait, what happened? Are you okay?” But Henrik just stared, seemingly mesmerized. Dreading what he might see, Chase turned and looked.

The water was floating about a foot above the table. 

Clearly, nothing had been done to it by the baristas, as the water would have acted weird in Chase’s cup. Nor was it because of some special effects rig, as it still acted like water. It flowed and ebbed, it swirled around, droplets were breaking off and re-joining with each other. It was almost as if someone had power over it and was able to control it. 

Chase felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. He knew instantly what was happening. He panicked, then pushed it down. He closed his eyes, and tried to focus on bringing the water down into the cup.

“Chase, what are you…” Henrik started, but trailed off when he saw the water slowly lowering into the cup. When most of the water was safely back in the cup (a few droplets were still floating around), Chase sat down and looked at Henrik with a slightly panicked expression.

“Okay, w-well, when I walked in here to have our usual, uuuh, chat with you, I wanted to talk to you about...Well, I-I mean this is obviously a total surprise for you-Okay, wait n-no-this is just so weird and I don’t really know what to say, or-or how to explain...” Chase trailed off when he realized how stupid he sounded. Well, there goes the thought of Henrik not thinking I’m crazy, he thought. And so much for asking for help. There’s no way he’d help me if he thinks I’ve lost it! He looked up at Henrik, but his expression was unreadable. Chase was getting up and trying to think of an excuse to leave when Henrik grabbed his wrist.

“Wait,” he said. “I...have something to tell you-or...show you, I guess.” Without any more explanation, he grabbed one of the leaves of the plant and closed his eyes. 

The plant’s leaves started to perk up. More leaves started to grow out of the stem. The plant started to grow until it was twice its height.

Chase stared in awe as Henrik let go of the plant and stared at the table. He mused,  “Alright...you...you can do weird stuff too.” 

Henrik nodded.

Chase took a deep breath. “Okay, and these pow-oddities didn’t happen to show up after you had a near death experience?”

“Yeah…they did. What about you?”

“Dude, I basically drowned. I definitely should’ve died, but I just blacked out for-I don’t even know how long, and I was just washed up on shore, like nothing happened! And then all this weird stuff started to happen, and I have all of these....oddities that-”

“Chase.” Henrik grabbed his shoulder. “I hate to break it to you, but these aren’t…oddities, as you call them. They’re powers.”

Chase sighed and looked at the table. “I know, but...I don-I don’t want this. My wife knows that something weird is going on, and she’d freak if I told her. I just…” His shoulders dropped. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Hey, it’s ok,” Henrik reassured. “I didn't want this either. I was planning to tell you about it today, too. You’re my most understanding friend, and I really wanted some support. We’ll get through this together, OK?”

Chase looked up gratefully at the doctor. “Okay.”

[alexandrasavior]

Alexandra Savior AMA !!

COMING IN HOT BITCHES!!!!

Hi Alex! How much of the instrumentation was figured out before heading into the studio? Did you just bring in bare minimum demos and then fleshed them out in the studio? Or did you have most of it prepared and just recorded it? I really loved the album by the way!

Thank you! It was different for each track. A lot of the songs I had full fleshed demos that my band and I had recorded in Portland, and Sam Cohen and I worked around those. Some of the tracks like "But You" I had some Garage band demos I made on my own that we worked around, and some of the tracks like "Soft Currents" were just raw iPhone recordings of me playing and singing, and Sam and I worked out together in the studio.

Your music has some really interesting chord progressions and melodic phrases. To what extent do you consciously apply music theory to your songwriting, and how much just comes naturally from ear and instinct?

To no extent :/ I am not super skilled in music theory, I just play around until it seems like it makes sense to me

You described your desire for Belladonna of Sadness to sound "murderous", and I thought that darkness and dangerous feeling really shone through. What adjectives would you powerfully ascribe to your sophomore album? What tonal differences were important to you while recording?

I like this question! hmmmmmm. “honest"

I'm pretty new to your music, but, everyday I can't stop myself from liking it more. My two current favorite songs are “The Phantom” and “Bad Disease”. I've seen that many people prefer other songs from the album, so that made me think. What is your personal favorite song from your new album? Thanks!

“But You”!

Hypothetical: You’re making a new album and need to assemble your dream band. Anyone dead/alive. Who are you choosing?

My best friend Emma, my boyfriend, Mel, and like my therapist

Is there anything that you do in terms of practice when it comes to vocals/guitar/songwriting to improve yourself? Interested to hear

Try to play everyday

I'd love to know if you've got any cool, hidden talents that you haven't shown in public. Also I badly want to know who's done the cover for both “Saving Grace” and “Crying All the Time”.

ME! I painted them

What are your tips for marketing your music and getting more people to stream/buy your music?

I am lucky because I have a team that guides me through social posts, and a publicist. But don't post pics of your butt

Your music and music videos have so many cinematic elements to them. Does an affinity for film influence your music? If so, do you have some favorite films you can mention?

yes! Bonnie and Clyde, Rosemary's Baby, Don't Look Now, Fargo, Daisies

I've seen a few people comparing your latest work with Lana del Rey's. Do you listen to her? Was she really an inspiration for the record?

I like Lana she's talented, I understand the comparison in some ways , people tend to compare things naturally. But, no she wasn't my personal inspiration in any conscious way

Did you make a conscious effort to distance yourself from the sound of Belladonna of Sadness with this new album?

No, I have gotten mixed feedback some people say its the exact same sound, some say it is different, I just created what came naturally to me and used sounds that I am personally drawn to.

If you were to try to make someone a fan of your music, but could only show them three of your songs, what songs would you show them?

oooooh! hmmmmm. “But You”, “Audeline”, “Crying All The Time”.

Excuse me Ms. Savior - I fell in love with your duet "We're Just Making It Worse" many moons ago. What can you tell us about that song?

Thanks! Well my homie Cameron Avery wrote that tune, he just asked me to sing on it and I was glad to!

What do you think was the biggest difference between writing The Archer and Belladonna of Sadness?

i was alone

What advice would you give to up and coming musicians in the LA scene? Any Dos or Don’ts? Thank you :)

Don’t be gross and creepy! Don't worry about that hipsta shit. Do be nice and make your own shit!

What is the most unusual thing that you do to help you write or to help you get some inspiration?

Stalk all my exes’ new gfs on insta and then eat an entire chocolate cake

Will we ever get to hear your version of “Miracle Aligner”?

probs not

When does the vinyl for The Archer ship? I am hoping to get one of you drawings with mine!

First batch tomorrow 1/17/2020. Second batch Tuesday 1/21/2020. Thank You!

I saw a clip from a concert you gave recently. It was you with a couple of bandmates singing something acapella. What's that song? Is it yours? It was gooorgeous. Any chance you're coming to Barcelona?

"The Oak and The Ash", an old celtic song. I will be playing Sala Nau May 13th!!!!!!!!

Can you talk about the differences in recording your first album while signed to a major label and this album while signed to a indie label? I know you’ve spoken about why you left Columbia, but I was wondering how your personal process differed this time around, especially with different resources and personnel?

Yeah it was a lot less pressure making this record, I had more say and more freedom of expression.

You said in an interview that you wrote the songs for The Archer on piano or guitar and brought them to the studio recorded on your phone. Would you ever consider releasing these as bonus tracks? 

I might ya! They’re probably a lot less interesting than you think

Do you have any tips on how to overcome writers block/find new ways to approach writing ? I've been struggling a bit lately... Have you been reading lately? If so, what books would you recommend ? :)

Just be kind to yourself, do what is natural, don't beat yourself up. I just re-read "My Year of Rest and Relaxation" by Otessa Moshfegh, now I am ready " Conversations With Friends" by Sally Rooney. I would recommend any Joan Didion, also I enjoy Salingers "Nine Stories"

This album feels a lot more personal than the first one. How would you say it compares in relation to how you expressed yourself as an artist?

I was very insecure while writing my first record, and I was co-writing so I used a lot of techniques to shelter my own opinions and feelings, in The Archer it was just me, so it was more of a journal entry than a big fancy record

Which artists did you grow up admiring, and inspired your style? Also, do you have any poetry recommendations, seeing how all your lyrics are poems in their own right?

hmmmm. ok Hilary Duff, Elvis, The White Stripes, Billie Holiday. Poetry: I don’t read much poetry but I like Rimbaud and Sylvia Plath

How did you feel when you found out “Risk” played on True Detective?

I cried

On Belladonna, what inspired the lyrics and melody for “Till You're Mine”? That song is always on repeat in my household.

Thanks! I would say my own insecurities and jealousy towards a specific woman in my life

Do you write the melodies as well as the lyrics or is it a collaborative effort?

For this record I wrote the melodies, lyrics, and chords for every song aside from "The Phantom" which was a collaboration with Sam Cohen.

What inspired you to make this new album?

I just make songs, and each song was inspired by something different, but mostly I needed to show people I WRITE MY SONGS

Do you have plans to sell more merch? I would really love to get my hands on signed stuff or one of your drawings/crafts.

yes workin' on merch now! <3

As a budding songwriter and musician myself is there any advice or wisdom you could pass on when it comes to making a career out of it?

I think writing as much as you can and trying to write honestly is important. I was lucky in a strange string of events that started my career, and every dream is different, but I suppose just keep writing and releasing your songs wherever you can

Often when I listen to music I tend to relate the song to places I've been to or places I'm at while listening. Is it the same for you when you write your songs? Do you think about a specific place for each song?

Yeah totally!

Would you ever be interested in collaborating with another artist on their record?

Yeah! Depends on who, I have always wanted to sing on a rap song.

Collab with Weyes Blood coming anytime soon?

i wish brah

Any tips on staying sane with dating apps?

don’t do dating apps

Romance is a topic which you touch upon in both of your albums. Do you have any words or phrases that have helped you through a difficult time, both in dealing with or exploring relationships past or present, if so what are they? What is your favorite set of lyrics ever, i.e. phrases etc.

"fuck hem he's a deck", "Kathy's Song" Simon and Garfunkel, "I Remember" Molly Drake

Do you use more real life experience or do you use more imagination/creativity when writing lyrics?

Depends how boring my personal life is at the time haha

What's your favorite Beatle, favorite Beatle album and favorite Beatle song?

Georgie boy <333333333

Are there any plans to record/release that “political song” with the violin that you played at Homiefest last year? For a third album maybe? Thanks, loved you since 2015 when I first heard that “Risk” demo for True Detective. The Archer is a masterpiece no bullshit.

maybe! lol

Where is the love for Chicago? How come we haven't had any shows yet?

Give me a break homie I don't plan this stuff! Would love to come to Chicago! It all depends on timing and $$$$

What was the most challenging song to write on this record?

maybe bad disease

Will there be more music videos?

I dont think so :/

I noticed for both of your releases, theres been a decent amount of time.. between when they were recorded and released. Have you found this frustrating more than anything or is it nice to have time to sit with the album?

Well, sometimes it is hard to move on and write more, with so much time between the final touches of the record and the actual release.... But, it ebs and flows and its out now so its no difference to me now

Who are some artists/bands that you personally enjoy listening to?

Jessica Pratt, The Jhamels, Molly Drake

You also seem like a prolific painter, who would you point to as inspiration/muse? My best guess would be Picasso.

Alice Neel 100%

When you feel like you’re stuck when you’re writing a song, what do you do to get around it?

I stop writing for a while, don't force it. Everyone's process is different so I try not to beat myself up too much about it

When Kevin Parker hit reddit someone asked him about if he can upload a new song and he did so... Can we hear a new song ?

If Kevin Parker jumped off a bridge WOULD YOU ?!

Who's your dream musical collab? If you were to make a soundtrack what director would you work with?

dream collab: Snoop Dogg, director: Quentin

Can you say a little bit about the creation of the album art? It's understated but there is definitely a mood there!

my dear friend Dana Trippe took the photos, and my dear friend Aaron Mitchell did the fonts

Noticed your music has a very “old horror movie/spaghetti western” vibe to them. Any films/soundtracks that inform your sound you’d recommend?

ooooh Anything Coen Brothers or Wes Anderson

How much was growing up in Portland an influence on your music?

I would say the rain had a lot to do with my melancholy, but also the music scene in Portland has always been very DIY and rock-based so “ guess that influenced me in some way.

What’s your favorite song of your’s lyrically and your favorite song to perform?

fave lyrically: Bad Disease, fave to perform: But You or Mystery Girl

The whole record was amazing but “Soft Currents” keyboards are really something else, are you planning to write more on the piano?

thank you! yes been writing a lot on the ole ivories

I love how a lot of your songs sound very cinematic - would you like to get into movie music in some capacity? Either scoring or soundtrack?

Awh hell yeuh

Is there a particular song that you're most proud of?

But YOu!

What would you say is your favorite guitar that you own and what is your dream guitar to own?

I am not much of a gear-head though I would love and old nylon string

Do you think that “Risk” will ever be made available on Spotify and Apple Music?

Unfortunately, because it was released on T-Bone Brunette's label, there was a legal situation that made me unable to release it separately. :/

Will you be making more of those amazingly weird embroidered underwear for your new tour? Obvs need some Savior swag on this tush.

I wish! I don’t have a sewing machine anymore but I will be selling my lil boxes online soon

Any chance for a show in Toronto? I'm a big fan, and I introduced my mom to your music and she absolutely loves you (her words) so I'd love to take her to one of your shows

hahah awh <3 None planned at the moment :(

What song on The Archer was a struggle to finish? Or were they all easy?

easy peasy lemon squeezy

Don't want to take away from your latest release (because it is an amazing album) but was there a reason you decided to not work with Alex Turner or James Ford for any of the new songs, writing or producing?

-__-

Since both your albums have been about relationships mostly, would you ever consider making a political song/album? What is your stance on that old debate?

I write what comes naturally to me

What should I name my snail stuffed animal?

gail

Why didn’t you get a proper promotional run from Columbia for Belladonna? It’s an amazing album but I just found out about you through The Archer (which is equally amazing).

I can't really say, but I don’t think I was ever gonna make the kind of $$$ Columbia wanted

Would you like to tour South America at some point in your career?

awh hell yeuh!

Is there any particular era/motive which inspires your music visuals (album covers, music videos)? All the best from Split, Croatia!

70s!

Based on your Spotify stats, what are the countries that listen to you the most?

IDK! France seems to be very supportive

Any artist that you like that you could recommend?

Jessica Pratt, Sudan Archives, Vagabon

What's your favorite thing to draw/paint?

women

Who is your favorite artist / what is your favorite album at the moment, and how would you say this impacted on how The Archer sounds? Also please come to the North of England 😂

I AM!!! CHECK MY TOUR SCHEDULE AND COME BB!! favorite album rn "The Colour Green" by Sibylle Baier

What’s playing in your head now?

the click clacking of a mac keyboard

How do you like your coffee?

a lil bit of almond milk

Will The Archer be getting a cd release?

no :(

That's all folks! Thank for all of the questions, and most of all thank you so much for listening to my songs, it is a dream come true <3 Come see me play at my upcoming shows ! Can't wait to see you there <33333 amour my homies

[nerdyfoodandbeercollector-blog]

Depression Series: A Working Title (part 1)

A fair warning is probably needed, I suppose: This post is not and has nothing to do with feer and bood (or beer and food, for that matter). This is a multi-part series I decided to write about living with my depression. Super uplifting stuff (but seriously give it a shot, you might learn something). I guess this first part is more of a “What is it and why?” part. 

14 years ago, I was first diagnosed with depression. As odd as it sounds, my depression is one of my oldest acquaintances, always around, hovering over me like a cloud, the persistent voice of negativity and self-criticism that I hear all the time, detracting from... the good things in my life... a constant part of my life for as long as I can remember. And not too long after that, and only recently have I discovered this, my anxiety came with it. 

I try hard not to show it or let anyone see it or know that it's there. For a long time, I thought that it was normal. And then, that changed to me thinking that I deserved it, that I was meant to carry it because I wasn’t good enough to be normal, and that if I ever should admit to it, it would shameful (and don’t even get me started on how pressure men in our society to not show emotions, to not be sad, to not be depressed, on how I was supposed to play football and not do theater or how I was called f*g for crying and showing emotion at Timberwolves camp. I still hit the most free throws that summer). if I just pushed through and lived my life it would go away, right? So that's what I did. I didn't talk about it. I put on a smile, kept my chin up and just carried on, like a good British soldier. Tried hard in school, got a job that turned into a career, got a second job for my hobby, went out with friends, married my best friend, and just tried to navigate each day the best I could. 

But it's always been there, my depression, my anxiety, my passengers, with me along the way, ebbing and flowing and crashing inside me. I see them each birthday to remind me I’m a year older and to critique me for what I haven’t done, they’re there every Christmas to make me sad for the state of the world, for the family not there, or for how quick it all goes and how we chase the joy of the holiday season until it fades like sunlight in winter. When a co-worker tells me news I’m hearing for the first time, my depression and anxiety tell me that I should take it personally that no one wanted to tell me, that people are purposefully withholding information from me, that I am bad at my job for being the last to know, that I am probably going to be fired. When my wife asks, cautiously, if I am in a bad mood, I suddenly become enraged even if I was actually perfectly content moments earlier. And then throughout all my days every day, I am reminded of something of my past or play a memory in my head that brings an overwhelming sense of nostalgia over me like a wave, and suddenly I am sad I’m not back there. They seep through, more and more, as the years go on, causing me to lash out, say things I don’t mean, self-sabotage myself in more ways than I even know (I’m still learning about them all). I am self-sabotaging as I write this (I’ve been picking at my beard since I started, my anxiety takes over). 

Honestly, I find it so hard to talk about. There are so many thoughts that race through my mind that I probably won’t ever share, I’ll just tuck them away deep within, even if they hurt, especially if they hurt. I struggle to talk about this with my best friends because I feel like by doing so, I’m protecting them. And actually, sometimes they just don’t know how to help or what to say. Why should I care if you think I’m a great person if I hate who I am?

And then I think that I’m probably doing a disservice to someone’s real depression, and so I keep shut, I clam up, I don’t talk about it, I stay in my head and I spiral and my attitude changes and I become irritable and then I start to realize I’m digging this hole and everyone around me isn’t happy to interact with me, like they’re walking on eggshells, and I don’t want that so I start to tear at myself to try and fix it and I’m under so much pressure because I keep looking at how much time I’m wasting being miserable, making you miserable.

Sometimes I am lucky to encounter others like me, with lasting depression as a companion, and for a moment you can be reminded that you’re not alone. And then I look at the numbers, and I can see, I’m not alone: 

1 in 5 Americans will be impacted by mental illness during their lifetime. 

We lose about as many people to suicide each year as we do to breast cancer.

2/3 of people with depression do not actively seek nor receive proper treatment. 

Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for ages 15-44 (42,773 deaths by suicide in the US in 2014). 

Women experience depression at twice the rate of men. 

There are nine different types of depression a person can be diagnosed with.

Depression ranks among the top three workplace issues, following only family crisis and stress. 

OK, I could go on and on here. One of the things that sparked all this was this article about what it is like to be high-functioning and have depression. Here are some quotes: 

This is the ordeal for millions of Americans who have depression: always "on" because of high-pressure jobs, sleep-deprived and feeling like you just have to continue keeping your chin up. Many don't realize that depression can lurk in the background, allowing you to go through the motions but still depriving you of the ability to live life to its fullest.

On the surface, high-functioning depression may seem like it's easier to deal with, but it can persist for years, leading to more functional impairment over time than acute episodes of major depression... Research has shown that the low self-esteem, lack of energy, irritability, and decrease in productivity that accompanies persistent depression is associated with significant long-term social dysfunction, psychiatric hospitalizations, and high rates of suicide attempts. And, ironically, persistent depression also puts people at a higher riskfor major depressive episodes with more severe symptoms.But the stigma around mental illness—or any signs of weakness—prevents people from revealing their stress to friends and colleagues. 

It hit home to me for so many reasons. I struggle that I am too goddamn self-critical to let me slip up and not be high-functioning. And I hate myself for it. The article resonated with me, as if someone else has lived with similar acquaintances, too. 

Why write this, you ask? Who cares might be a more accurate question (aren’t I uplifting?). Not that people don’t care, just maybe not enough to go read a long-ass blog about this kind of thing. Maybe it’s depressing (humor!).  I ask myself these same questions and even struggled to share any of this at all. For the last few weeks, I’ve had this idea to write a series on my blog (it’s about food and beer, but also now I suppose some random thoughts and happenings in my life) about my depression to maybe have the opportunity to reach out to others that might feel something similar. If you feel like me at all and you’re not talking about it, then hopefully this reaches you. I’m starting to open up to someone who maybe knows what they are doing and progress is slow but hey, I got the courage to write all this, didn’t I? I struggle with how we talk about depression. I struggle that there often isn’t a safe place for people to talk about their depression and their thoughts without being labeled or without being seen as unsafe. 

"If you admit that you're depressed or you have a mental health issue, people on the outside, who are not dealing with that, automatically label you as being crazy," Judge says.

I struggle with how depression is so commonly misunderstood, even by some of my friends and family. I struggle with how it’s been portrayed t is yet another one of those topics we just don’t like talking about enough. Wouldn’t it be interesting to see some thoughts out in the open?

I think that maybe, just maybe, if writing is cathartic, and to me and many people it is, that by writing some of this down it might help me better understand not only my depression, but also myself and who I am. And in the end, isn’t that what we’re really trying to do? 

I don’t know what I am holding onto that makes me this way, but I’m holding onto something and I’m getting tired. I’m trying. 

[redorblue]

Book 18/2017 - Exit West by Mohsin Hamid

I’ve been putting this off for a few days now because I’m not sure what to think. This book took me longer than it should have, considering it’s only 150 pages, because I just didn’t feel drawn back to it. When I was at it it was good, a lot of heavy stuff to think about and an intriguing protagonist, but once I put it down I could have left it there for a long time, which for me is a weird combination. In that regard it’s good that it only has 150 pages because I’m pretty sure at some point I’d have abandoned it, and that would have been sad because I’d definitely have missed something. Plus, I don’t do that kind of thing, unless it’s an awful book, and this one certainly isn’t.

I think the main problem I had was the writing style. I haven’t read anything else by this author and I regret to say that I probably won’t now, because the writing was a bit exhausting. The sentences were very long and just connected with commas and “and” so that sometimes one sentence would span two pages on my e-reader, and while the structure wasn’t particularly complicated, it still dragged. I don’t mean to say that the author can’t write, just that I’m not used to this kind of writing style, which is why for me it disrupted the flow. Funny thing is, in other languages something like that doesn’t really bother me, it’s just English and German, my primary reading languages, where it comes across weird. I can read a bit of Arabic, and a bit more of Persian, and both languages gravitate toward long, “and”-connected sentences, and that’s perfectly fine because I expect it. I looked up the author, wikipedia says he’s from Pakistan. Based on that I assume his native language is Urdu, which is closely related to Persian, so that’s a possible explanation and also a reason for me not to run for his other books immediately, because I guess the sentence structure won’t change much.

What he put into those sentences though was great. The overall tone of the book is quite philosophical, and I dare say it has a melancholy streak (no wonder, it’s about two young people who are forced to flee their country and try to nagivate their new life, their new neighbours, a quickly changing global landscape, and on top of that their relationship). It muses a lot about human nature and the state of the world, how it came to be as messed up as it is and people as vicious toward each other as they are. There’s a lot of thoughtful passages like this, but I’ll just write down one:

The feeling that hung over London in those days was not new to [the protagonists], and they faced it not with bravery, exactly, and not with panic either not mostly, but instead with a resignation shot through with moments of tension, with tension ebbing and flowing, and when the tension receded there was calm, the calm that is called the calm before the storm, but is in reality the foundation of a human life, waiting there for us between the steps of our march to our mortality, when we are compelled to pause and not act but be.

Just skipping through the book kinda made me want to try another one of his books anyway, just for those philosophical moments strewn into the narrative. But I guess now you see what I mean by long sentences...

The book explores several themes in surprising depth, considering its length, mainly migration, identity and love. The main premise is this: in an unnamed, probably Middle Eastern city two young people meet. The woman, Nadia, broke with her family when she moved out against their will. Despite the difficulties of living alone as a young, unmarried woman, she cherishes the independence it allows her, as she is very freedom-loving and rejects the confines of tradition that tell her what to do, what to think and how to behave. The man, Saeed, is more social, rather calm, quietly religious, and has a gentle soul. They meet, fall in love, and are just about to build a relationship when civil war breaks out and they have to leave behind their city, their social circle and (Saeed’s) family in order to escape the fighting. There’s one element of magical realism in the book which is essential for both Nadia and Saeed’s journey and for the general state of the world: everywhere around the globe, unpredictably, doors open that permit people to another place in the blink of an eye. Together with the sorry state of the world in may places, this makes migration toward richer countries increase a lot and undermines the very concept of nationhood and citizenship since the authorities are simply unable to control entry and exit. The book follows Nadia and Saeed’s odyssey to Mykonos, London and San Francisco and sheds a light on how these places deal with the sudden change (spoiler: hostile, mostly. Nativist movements, hate crime and state violence all across the board for a while, until governments and people get their sh** together and either try and facilitate life for the new arrivals for the sake of social stability, or just leave them to fend for themselves on whatever patch of land they can find). The main narrative is interspersed with some oneshot-like stories of people in other places and their experience with the doors, which I really enjoyed because they gave them a lot more variation than was possible with the way Nadia and Saeed use them - basically like very quick, kinda unpredictable airplanes without passport control.

Nadia and Saeed are the only two named characters in the book, and although the secondary characters are fleshed out a little bit, they usually disappear pretty quickly again. I liked both of them, especially Nadia, but the really interesting part was to see their relationship grow, mature, and finally expire - all of that with the shadow of a “what if” looming over it - what if they’d had time to properly get to know each other? What if they wouldn’t have had to rush their relationship the way they did, what with being thrust into the life of refugees and the other person the only one in the entire world that you know? What if they’d stayed in their city? Would their relationsheip have held up? The book doesn’t give an answer to that, but I dare say no - they had something beautiful, in the very beginning, and they never turned abusive or even mean toward the other, for which I am very grateful re: stereotypes, but in the end they weren’t compatible character-wise. The migration experience sharpened those differences, but a lifetime of living together, especially under difficult political circumstances, does the same, so I think it simply wasn’t meant to be. Which rarely happens in any book centered around a couple, so I liked that. And funnily enough I especially liked the way their process of slowly drifting apart was described, with each of them knowing what happens and kinda trying to hold on, but finally unable to do so. I liked how the main reason they stayed together as long as they did was loyalty, instead of some chemicals in their brain or rose-coloured glasses in front of their eyes. I liked how they dissolved things in a mature way when the time came, and how after that they just continued drifting apart. I liked how natural it seemed, despite the unusual circumstances.

This book showed me in a very personal and tangible way how it feels to be a refugee - the waiting, the uncertainty, the tension with the people around you, family, other refugees, and citizens of the country you’re living in.  It picks up some stereotypes especially about people from Muslim countries and takes a look behind the beard and the veil: like Saeed, who is religious and hangs out with other religious people a lot simply because he misses home and needs something to hold on to. Who would never ever do antything violent because he’s such a kind man. Or like Nadia, who is an atheist but wears black robes even after she fled her city simply because she perceives it as some kind of protection from people and especially from men, and who just got so used to it at some oint that she doesn’t see a reason to not wear them anymore. I guess it’s a futile thought, but if a xenophobic or islamophobic person could ever be convinced to engage with the topic in a serious and nonbiased way, this would be the book to start the process.

[theseventhhex]

Swans Interview

Michael Gira

Following the unprecedented critical and commercial success of Swans' double-album masterworks ‘The Seer’ and ‘To Be Kind’, Michael Gira announced that the existing iteration of the band would only produce one more album and tour. ‘The Glowing Man’, as with its predecessors, is an expansive two-hour epic containing lengthy compositions that the band developed during their momentous tours. Throughout the latest release, Gira is less a songwriter than a summoner, channelling unspeakable amounts of energy into ritualistic spectacles. Many of the songs start out with tension-building drones, often utilising lots of percussion before ebbing and flowing with intense bursts, and eventually reaching ecstatic, trance-inducing states. There's no way this type of boundless energy can simply be retired or silenced, though, so the album serves as another exciting portal into the unknown… The Seventh Hex talks to the legendary Michael Gira about being self-critical, sequencing and Buddhism…

TSH: Since the inception of Swans to now, how rewarding is it for you to consistently and continually develop little worlds and atmospheres with your compositions and have listeners connect on a personal level?

Michael: Without sounding too sentimental, that’s the greatest reward. When I talk to audience members after the show, hearing their responses and how the music has affected them in some true way is really the greatest repayment. I mean, I certainly haven’t had overwhelming financial rewards, so I’ll take what I can, ha! You know, it’s just great connecting with listeners; it allows me to strive to be self-critical and push things forward as much as possible in a true and honest way.

TSH: Is it essential for your arrangements to be free of constraint?

Michael: Yeah, I mean I never look at something as finished. It’s always a starting point for something else to happen, even with extent material it just keeps getting re-evaluated and iterated in a different way. My approach recently has been to significantly transform ideas and have them open to change as we go along.

TSH: What sort of trajectories are you applying to get your desired outcomes?

Michael: There are usually two trajectories that I’ve used on these recent records: one of which is me writing songs on acoustic guitar and then developing the songs with the band, as well as other people who subsequently perform on these songs in the studio. The other is writing songs on acoustic guitar and taking them to the band and we start developing them to perform live, which is an entirely different way of working. When we perform live things morph into these longer pieces that garner new sections constantly, and we keep pushing until new things happen.

TSH: ‘The Glowing Man’ is yet another excellent Swans release. What was your initial approach as you fleshed out ‘The World Looks Red / The World Looks Black’?

Michael: That song was just me playing this figure on the guitar and singing nonsense really. In the end, I just thought of the lyrics which I’d written and given to Sonic Youth over 30 years ago. I just started singing those words and it was kind of preposterous, but I thought, why not. I’m really happy with the end result on that one.

TSH: The remastered version of ‘The Great Annihilator’ is also another recent release. Do you remember forming the striking ‘Mind/Body/Light/Sound’?

Michael: That record was made during a great time for the band. You know, like all Swans records it was quite a torturous process unfortunately. Not being a real trained musician meant I was starting out with notions and colours with regards to how to orchestrate a song. I started working with people and I’d tell them about my ideas or play a song to them, and often they’d suggest something or they’d play something that would inspire something in me - it all just sort of grows organically with further contribution from others. I guess that’s how that song must have come about, I don’t remember too much.

TSH: Knowing sequencing is significant to you, is it often a case of following intuition with this factor?

Michael: Yeah, absolutely. Something I started with ‘Soundtracks for the Blind’ and continued since is developing material that works as transitions between the pieces, based on a discreet amount of already extent pieces. I’ll start developing other bits of music that serve as transitions or segues from one section to another. On ‘Soundtracks for the Blind’ the segues ended up taking precedence over the original pieces. The sequencing is really important to me in order to make the record a total cinematic experience.

TSH: Is it a constant spiritual and high level experience for you when Swans perform live?

Michael: Most certainly. I view the records and live performances as two completely different worlds, I don’t qualify them as one being better than the other. However, the live element is the apex of my life personally. It’s when the music kind of becomes bigger than us and we’re just puppets that are playing. We’re right in there with the audience, experiencing it ourselves. I always like live shows when they surprise me and wipe away my expectations of what reality is. Performing live is embedded in my bones and when the audience gets it, that’s the highpoint which creates pure elation for me.

TSH: Does the urgency of existence and proximity of death still inform your subject matter?

Michael: Well, I feel both are important topics in life for anyone to think about. At my age, I’m only naturally going to have these issues in mind. Certainly for me these types of factors inform my thinking more than anything else happening in life or in the past. I guess talking about it trivialises the subject matter though, so I leave thoughts pertaining to this type of subject matter open-ended.

TSH: Is Zen Buddhism a way of life that you admire?

Michael: Well, I think it’s preposterous for anyone to say ‘I’m a Buddhist’ because that negates the idea of Buddhism. I’m interested in the Buddhist way of thinking for sure, but I don’t prescribe to any notion of reality or how things should be.

TSH: Is it distracting to find discipline with so much information overload in this digital age?

Michael: I try to find clarity, but I’m just about caught up in this digital age as much as anyone else, unfortunately. I personally feel that social media and this age of information overload is a pernicious influence. I realise that our initial hope for the internet was the democratisation of information, but it seems to me that it’s become a swarm of distractions and neurosis. It’s like one big mind eating itself.

TSH: Also, does your daughter still prefer Katy Perry to Swans?

Michael: Ha! Yeah, she still prefers the pop world and cannot stand any Swans music. I think she kind of likes ‘I Wanna Be Your Dog’ by Iggy Pop, which is pretty cool.

TSH: How have you been keeping your mindset fresh during your downtime?

Michael: I read a lot and I’ve been watching a lot of movies…

TSH: You finally got around to seeing ‘The Hidden Fortress’…

Michael: Yes, I did. Akira Kurosawa is an absolute master and the film itself was a real treat. You know, I came to the conclusion several years ago that the greatest artists of the twentieth century were filmmakers, not necessarily fine artists, but, yeah, I rank Kurosawa way up there.

TSH: Knowing nothing is ever finished for yourself, as you look ahead with Swans, is it very much a case of changing the conversation and keeping things fresh?

Michael: For sure. You know, this current version of Swans has definitely been the most pleasing period of my career, which is encouraging, but also we put in the hard work so it’s a natural progression. I mean it’s great be able to be in my dotage and still make something that has a severance of vitality to it. This configuration of individuals called Swans at the current time is the most fruitful of musicians that I’ve ever experienced, and I love working with these guys. However, at a certain point you begin to anticipate and know what each person is going to do, and so it can become too familiar. We’re still performing very well and discovering new things as we go along, but I just want to change it up. Looking ahead, I’m going to make records whilst gathering musicians - people I know from all over the world for each song, many of whom will be these guys, but the end result will be one of a more open-ended circumstance.

Swans Upcoming Tour Dates

Swans - “The Glowing Man”

The Glowing Man