#its so hard having to go against yourself because i know rationally everythinh is fine but sometimes the irrational
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#vent#some days i think im okay and everythings fine and then others all i want to do is die in a ditch and hope nobody remembers me#i go from wanting to talk to everyone on this blog to just deleting every single blog or social media ive ever made and disappearing#contrary to these thoughts right now i feel alright im just mad at myself for thinking so toxicly#i make myself anxious and sick because i hate change and im scared ppl hate me when its not the case were just both going through shit but#it makes me want to ruin things before anything happens even though. nothing is going to happen. im just tricking myself into thinking that#something will#its so hard having to go against yourself because i know rationally everythinh is fine but sometimes the irrational#thoughts are so overwhelming i want to listen and give in and stop trying and let everything go#i want to get better and i know i do but. being sad and depressed is all i know. its comforting in a sick way and when i think of a time#when im no longer this sad. it scares me? like is being happy or content possible? do i deserve it? is it worth it? it may never come but#being this way is all ive known for so many years and i can always fall back to it but i hate it i dont want this i want to be better#theres a text post on here saying like ur whole personality is ur mental illnesses and......... big mood#this is like kinda pointless bc im not THAT bad rn i just have intrusive/controlling/negative thoughts and i made myself anxious#but i feel slightly better after rambling#i should also eat and like... maybe ill read idk well see#my thoughts while anxious and when im sad are so different i could talk for a million years when im anxious but when im sad? depressed?#i just want to die a billion horrible deaths#blueberry
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