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l-a-gage · 4 years

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Billingsley The Working One - An Archaeology Story

Disclaimers So Pay Attention

This is a work of pure fictional satire.

It is not my intention to offend anyone or any academic field

This is just a shit post I wrote on a caffeine high of which I took inspiration from my Anthropology/Archeology professor (The story events not my caffeine addiction, I did a fantastic job myself with that one)

This is an exaggeration. None of the field techniques/operations in this are accurate. Obviously it takes much longer to excavate and date an entire site and several factors are involved in dating. I know this isn’t how this all works. I just dramatized it for entertainment so chill. (I’m looking at you Archeologists)

If you are sensitive, highly offended or an Anthropologist/Archeologist that cannot just relax, chill out and laugh at your own field for some fun then it’s easy as scrolling away or clicking the back arrow. I repeat just walk. Away.

If you’re still here the most important thing is this is just for fun. I am not being woke, or critical, or political, I don’t have an agenda. I’m just having fun combing two of my passions: writing and anthropology.

This is written in the format of a TV script so speakers are in front and any important descriptions are in asterisk. Now I will shush and please, enjoy and don’t be afraid to poke fun at the things you love in good spirit sometimes. It’s good for the soul every once in a while.

Billingsley The Working One

Marshall: Welcome to MainStream 27 After Hours. It's currently 2am on this lovely misty Monday morning. Tonight, we have a special segment on a piece of history of our very own little town. If you've been by Pickle's BBQ Pit, I'm sure you've seen the fences and crowd of college students. Turns out those kids in khaki shorts and baseball caps haven't just been standing around but uncovering part of our town's history that no one asked about. Local journalist Bailey Bales went out to the site earlier today to investigate. Stay tuned after the commercials and enjoy this pre-recorded interview.

Bailey: Thank you, Marshall. As he explained, I'm at the site of a recent archaeological excavation being run by staff and students at Willinington University located just down the road from their proud football sponsor Pickle's BBQ Pit. Go Salamanders! *laughs* Anyways, here's Willinington's professor of archaeology to bring light to whatever is happening right now.

*Camera pans to the right. A man stares into the camera. The frame quickly zooms out, framing Bailes and Andrew.*

Andrew: Hello people of Willinington!

Bailey: So what exactly are you doing here?

Andrew: Yes, my name is Andrew Niles. With a "U."

Bailey: A "u?"

Andrewu: A-n-d-r-u. Andru Niles. Head of the Archaeology department at Willinington University.

Bailey: Great. Why don't you tell us about yourself?

Andru: I'd be delighted. I'm the head of the archaeology department at Willinington University, 2 months and running.

Bailey: Where did you teach before?

Andru: I actually have never taught. I earned my P.h.D in London, traveled the world with my partner, wrote a bestselling book. I'm sure you've heard of it: The Anthropology of Archaeology: Get Your Story Straight.

Bailey: No.

Andru: No? It was a best seller for two hours.

Bailey: Where? New York Times?

Andru: You know what, nevermind. Now that I think about it, it wasn't anything that big. I'm sure you'd rather know more about what we're doing here.

Bailey: If you wouldn't mind, I actually have another appointment in an hour.

Andru: Oh! Uh, right. *gestures to the building behind him* This my friends, I think needs no introduction. As you have proven to us over the past couple of weeks with your eager enthusiasm is the very dearly beloved cabin and statue of Billingsley the Working One.

Bailey: One of our town's local figures.

Andru: Indeed, a statue thought to be dated two hundred years ago which is around the founding of Willinington. In fact, did you know that the statue is said to be the first structure of the town before any houses? It's amazing to see what people valued in those days, hard work and the sweat and blood on their skin. They would sacrifice warmth and comfort for this statue of honor.

Bailey: I thought it was dragged over from the old neighboring town that burned down when the towns merged.

Andru:...Really? Where-where does it say that?

Bailey: On the cultural heritage website. Under the "about" section.

Andru: Ah well that makes much more sense about why we're here. Anyways, for the past couple of weeks the graduate archaeology program of Willinington University-

*Something cracks near the building. Andru suddenly turns around and shouts something at a group of students.

Andru: As I was saying we have been excavating the building behind it.

Bailey: Not the statue?

Andru: Oh no no, we already know plenty about the statue and that can be moved with no problem. It's the structure we're interested in. That's what's going to tell us whether or not Pickle's BBQ can open another outdoor eating area.

Passerby: Get the *redacted* off of our land! You have no *redacted* right!

Andru: Lovely to see you too Jimmy! That's Jimmy, he's very fond of this building.

Jimmy: My great great grandpa and his father built that damn hunk of wood!

Andru: I remember! *Turns back to Bailey* So essentially Pickle's BBQ is wanting to expand their dining into this area. Well, this is federal land so we were called in to excavate the site. If that building is truly from the settlement of the town it has to stay. If not, we're going to disassemble it.

Jimmy: We don't need no damn Indiana Jones to tell us what we already know!

Andru: Jimmy! What did I tell you yesterday?

Jimmy: I'll be back!

Andru: I don't doubt it. Jesus Christ, where were we?

*Bailey looks up from phone*

Bailey: Oh! Uh, you were mentioning something about Pickle's BBQ.

Andru: Yes, so Pickle's BBQ wants to use this land. We're here to verify or debunk the authenticity of the building that is said to date back to the war, further back than Billingsley the Working One.

Bailey: And how will you do that?

Andru: Through free student labor. Grad students make for wonderful workers.

Bailey: What?

Camera Man: What?

Andru: *Laughing* I'm joking, just joking. Of course we don't use them for free labor. That would be illegal. It's just a bit of a joke between professors. We don't make them work for free. We pay them with a doctorate.

Bailey: Right. So really, how are you going to determine the age of Billingsley's Cabin?

Andru: Well, we've actually decided to take a different approach. University funds only last for so long as you know and I don't want to make the students spend their entire lives out here. *chuckles* That would just be cruel.

Passing University Student: I missed the birth of my first son because of you.

Andru: The pictures were beautiful! She looks just like your wife.

Passing University Student: *Redacted*

Andru: I really do love being out here with them, so youthful and full of energy. I really couldn't ask for better students.

Student #1: Dr. Niles! Peter passed out!

Andru: Call Jackson! Tell him it's Peter again.

Bailey: Do we-do we need to call the ambulance?

Andru: Jackson is our special paramedic on standby for Peter. This happens a lot.

Bailey: With the students?

Andru: No, with Peter. Poor chap, he's like my son.

Bailey: Oh. Um, should you go check on him?

Andru: He should be good, tough boy. So back to the building, we're currently waiting on Dendrochronology results to get a relative date.

Bailey: How long should it take?

Andru: Well, actually we just-

Pam: How are we doing Andru? Any closer to getting rid of this eyesore?

Andru: Pam, wonderful to see you! This Miss. Bales is Pam.

*Camera pans to a small crowd. The front lady waves. Several other enthusiastic people wave as well.*

Andru: *Offscreen* These are Pickles BBQ's biggest supporters. Well, some like Pam just want the building wiped off the face of the earth but there are some who are genuine supporters of small businesses.

Bailey: *Motions to cameraman* Let's get some interviews.

*Camera pans to crowd and follows Bailey over*

Bailey: Anyone interested in an interview?

Man #1: For what?

Bailey: For MainStream 27 news.

Man #1: I'll be on TV?

Bailey: Front and center. We'd love to share your enthusiasm and patriotism for your local businesses with our viewers.

Woman #1: Do we get a discount for promoting Pickle's BBQ?

Bailey: I'm not sure actually. This is just for the news.

Woman #1: No thanks, I don't advertise for free.

Pam: I'll do it!

Bailey: Great. So if you'll just-

Andru: *Off-screen* Hanna, call security. He's back again!

*Crowd screams. The camera whips around and zooms in on a figure leaping over the fence surrounding the excavation site. They grab an ax from their backpack and charge for the building, shouting something unitelligable.*

Bailey: Oh my god. What the *redacted*?

Andru: Everyone stay back! Protect Peter. He's helpless right now!

Pam: Get em, Victor!

*Two officers in blue rush out of nowhere. The figure takes a swing at the side of the building but Andru seizes his hoodie and drags him backward. "Victor" stumbles and swings at Andru. But he dodges just in the nick of time. The officers tase and tackle "Victor." A few boos and cheers come from the crowd. The officers carry "Victor's" unconscious body away.

Bailey: *Off-camera* This just got so much better. Marshall is gonna be so mad he dumped this segment on me.

Andru: Everyone okay? Check for any injuries. What's the status of Peter's ambulance?

*Camera Cuts to Bailey and Andru. Several officers are pacing around the site in the background. A few are stopping and talking to students.*

Bailey: That was quite the heart racer. Do you guys usually have to deal with such dangerous people?

Andru: Uh, it really just depends on the situation I suppose. Each site provides its own challenges.

Bailey: Have you ever been attacked like that before?

Andru: We should-should be getting back to the site. I'm sure the viewers would rather know about our progress.

Bailey: Did you go into the field expecting to one day have your life threatened?

Andru: Isn't your life always threatened every waking moment, really? Anyways, we're in the most critical part of Dendrochronology dating. We've called in a brilliant specialist Dr. Lui to date the wood of the building to see if this building is as old as the Billingsley the Working One statue.

Bailey: Yes, of course.

Jimmy: *Off-screen* I'm back and I've brought the historical heritage council!

Andru: *Waves to off-screen* Everyone's here then. It truly is inspiring to see a town come together like this. Whether or not they're on opposite sides of opinion, values, and ideology, this single building can spark such brilliant passion. It goes to show just how important our heritage is even on a global scale. It reminds me why I dropped out of seminary and booked it across the ocean with just my name and the bag on my-

Student #3: Dr. Niles! It's done! Dr. Lui finished her dating!

Andru: Brilliant! What is the conclusion?

*Andru jogs over to the tent beside the building and enters. The camera pans up to the top of the Billingsley the Working One statue.*

Bailey: *To cameraman offscreen* Should we pack it up and have them send the results to the station or just wait?

Camera Man: *Off screen and zooming into the statue's face* I say stay. I want to know if there's gonna be any more ax-wielding enthusiasts.

Bailey: *Off-screen* Hey-hey they're coming out.

*Camera zooms out and pans over to the tent. Andru, Dr. Lui, and a student walk out of the tent talking with each other. Andru nods and shakes Dr. Lui's hand.*

Jimmy: What's the prognosis Doc?

Pam: It's going down right?

*Crowd starts talking over each other. Andru raises his hand and the crowd falls silent.*

Andru: Well, through the work of these hardworking students, officers, myself and Dr. Lui, we can confidently conclude that the building isn't more than 100 years old. Meaning the building was built after the statue was moved.

Jimmy: Mother-*redacted*.

*Pam and a small group start cheering. The rest turn away slipping various weapons away.*

Andru: *To students standing around the site* You did brilliant work here this summer but as all good things do, it must come to an end. I will cherish these last few weeks forever. Now time to clean up and don't forget to turn in your journals.

*Camera pans to Bailey*

Bailey: Well I suppose that's it for this segment. What an exciting turn of events and you Barbeque fans will be excited to know that new outdoor seating filled with warm sunshine and fresh air will be expanded soon. Back to you Marshall.

*Camera cuts to Marshall in news station*

Marshall: Local restaurant Pickle's BBQ has decided not to expand it's seating by demolishing the building but instead to use the building as another area to dine in. Owner Mr. Jimmy Pickle expressed he believed in the heritage of our town no matter 100 or 200 years ago and has decided to preserve the local heritage spot. A wonderful turn of events. This has been Marshall Marshall on MainStream News Channel 27, have a great day folks.

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