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floralseokjin · 4 years

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⤑ made-up love song vii (m).

Your first encounter with Kim Seokjin doesn’t go so well, nor your second, or your third… and maybe that’s because it shouldn’t work on paper. You’re an elementary school teacher, never left the country despite hitting the third decade of your life not so long ago, and you’re unable to remember the last time you dated. He’s the dad of one of your students, nearly a decade older than you and divorced. Oh yes, and just another minor detail – he’s a multimillionaire.

Your lives are lightyears apart, yet somehow, your paths having now crossed, things just seem to fall into place…

pairing; kim seokjin x reader au/genre/warnings; strangers to lovers, romance, single dad! seokjin, ceo! seokjin, elementary school teacher! oc, age gap (oc is 30, seokjin is 37), seokjin is a dilf, smut; includes jacuzzi (oral) sex, outdoor sex, the angst/drama comes knocking! words; 8,336

↪︎ chapter index

chapters; i • ii • iii • iv • v • vi • vii • viii • ix • x • epilogue (+ drabbles)

A few days after Arin’s birthday party school started back, and just as you’d known you got incredibly busy, incredibly fast. With admin and getting to know your new students you found that you were too distracted to dwell on all the things that had been worrying you. Yes, it was strange not being able to see Seokjin practically whenever you wanted, and yes, you missed him – and the summer, but with work so hectic it cushioned the blow. You didn’t have time to live inside your own head or get sad about stupid, tiny things.

Letting the school know about your relationship wasn’t mandatory now that you weren’t Arin’s teacher, but you felt better for it, meeting with Hoseok one morning to inform him. Eunbi already knew, being quite a close a friend to you, and slowly, over the next few days you let some of the other teachers you were friendly with know too. You found it quite exciting. You’d been single for such a long time so finding yourself in conversations about your boyfriend filled you with a happiness you weren’t quite used to. You liked talking about Seokjin, bigging him up, some could call it bragging… He’d even very kindly donated money for a new playground to be built in the kindergarten area. He wanted to help Primrose Hill any which way he could. It meant a lot to you and his daughter.

It only took around three weeks to get yourself into a routine. For both of you to find a rhythm and make it work well. Your lunch break wasn’t long enough for you to zip to Seokjin’s office and join him so he always made an effort to come to you. Sometimes you’d eat in his car, sometimes yours, or sometimes you’d meet in a small café near the school. You cherished that short time together because sometimes that’s all you could have. Depending on how busy you both were you often couldn’t spend time together in the evenings. You tried to at least once in the week, but weekends were reserved for things like spending the night.

It was Tuesday today and you somehow had a night free from lesson planning which meant you could join Seokjin and Arin for dinner. You were glad really, because Seokjin had been stressed since yesterday and you hadn’t had a chance to see him properly. He had to go away on last minute business this weekend but it coincided with Misook’s family vacation. He’d asked Nana if Arin could stay with her this weekend but she was busy too. He didn’t know what to do, other than try and postpone the trip. Key word: try.

Misook had left for the day just as you were arriving, Arin in her room, too busy playing on the Nintendo Switch she’d gotten from Nana for her birthday, so it gave you some brief time alone with Seokjin. You were shocked to see him still in his suit, sat in contemplation alone in the family room. Oh, boy. You hated seeing him so stressed. He was never one to mope or even show his mood. You knew him well enough by now to be able to tell when he was drained, but he still didn’t let it affect him too much, always smiling, always joking around. This evening was different. He’d barely said a few sentences, mostly it involved apologising for his bad mood. He felt selfish, not being much company, yet still needing yours. He had nothing to be sorry for, you reassured, resting your head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around you, holding you close. You reached for his hand, and there you stayed like that for a little while, fingers laced together.

Arin made her way in soon enough, stomach rumbling, a hopeful lilt to her voice as she walked over to you both, hands behind her back. “Can we have pizza for dinner?”

Seokjin shifted, unlacing your fingers and dropping his arm from your shoulders as you both sat up straighter. “Didn’t we have that yesterday, Arin?”

Arin didn’t miss. She was a professional. “But Y/N wasn’t here yesterday. She missed out.”

Her comeback even managed to draw a quiet chuckle out of her dad. “We’re not having pizza, sweetie.”

She sighed softly, crossing her arms around her chest as she looked your way. “Daddy is moody today.”

You raised an eyebrow, your mouth unable to stop quirking up in amusement. “He is?”

“Why do you say that?” Seokjin asked. His tone was light, but you could tell by his frown lines her casual words had him worrying.

“I heard you on the phone this morning to mommy. There’s no one to look after me when you go away this weekend and she can’t do it.”

Seokjin faltered, not expecting such a frank answer. He composed himself quickly. “She’s just really busy, Arin. She wanted to look after you, she just couldn’t this time.”

“I know,” she replied simply, nodding her head.

There was a beat of silence and then Seokjin reached for her, kissing her cheek, his voice quiet with apology. “I’m sorry. Was I really moody today?” He looked unsurely your way too.

“Uh huh. You hardly smiled, and when I tried telling you about the field trip I’m going on next week you weren’t even listening properly.” Arin’s small voice filled with such attitude was comical.

Seokjin chuckled. “Daddy’s really sorry. I’m smiling now, though, right?” Arin nodded. “And if you’re kind enough, you can tell me about your trip again over dinner. Is that okay?”

“Hmm.” She thought allowed. “So can we get pizza?”

Seokjin snorted. “Nice try, young lady. It’s still a no.”

Seokjin ordered from one of his favourite restaurants, helping you set the table as Arin went to check on her rabbits. You ate together, listening as Arin spoke all about her upcoming field trip, finally having her father’s undivided (and interested) attention. However, halfway in, she completely changed the topic, throwing you both.

“Can’t I stay with Y/N this weekend?”

“Hm?” Seokjin looked over at her, visibly surprised.

You swallowed what was left in your mouth just as Arin’s eyes found yours. “I can just stay with you while daddy has to go away.” Your lips parted, trying to think of something to say, your years of teacher training falling short.

Seokjin beat you to it. “No, no, sweetie,” he shook his head, sounded a little flustered, taken by surprise. “Y/N will probably be busy on the weekend. That’s her only free time, she can’t look after you.”

With a small shrug, she put her fork to her mouth. “It was just a thought.”

Seokjin looked over at you, expression apologetic as he mouthed sorry.

Hey, listen…” You began, feeling oddly nervous as you looked up at your boyfriend. It was a couple of hours later, Arin was in bed, time was getting on, you had to leave soon, but cuddled up against him, both curled up on the sofa as you watched mindless television, you really didn’t want to go anywhere. Seokjin had relaxed a little by now (the wonders of food), but you could still tell his mind was exhausted as his gaze fell on yours. You took a breath, deeper than intended, psyching yourself up. “I really don’t mind looking after Arin this weekend.”

You didn’t miss the way his eyes widened a tad, obviously taken by surprise, but then his mouth lifted at the side, his head shaking from side to side lightly as he let out a breathy chuckle. “Y/N, don’t feel like you have to just because she brought it up.”

You found yourself relaxing. He didn’t want you to feel obligated. You’d thought so, but the teeniest tiniest most worrisome part of your brain had thought he might now have wanted, or trusted you, to look after Arin. That wasn’t the case. You could tell by the look on his face. He didn’t want to put you out, ask too much of you.

You moved and straightened your back, eye to eye now. “No, I honestly don’t mind at all, Seokjin.” You reassured, talking faster as you noticed him open his mouth. “Seeing as Arin was the one who suggested it, I guess she’s fine with the idea. I…” Hesitating, you added something else. “I wanted to suggest it myself but… If she’s comfortable with it, I’d love to.”

It was the truth. Ever since Seokjin had called you at lunch time, telling you Nana couldn’t manage this weekend, you’d wanted to tell him you were up for it but something had stopped you. Even as he’d tried to think of options this evening – maybe his mom could stay for the weekend, his aunt – you’d held back and bitten your tongue. What if you were pushing boundaries? Inserting yourself into situations that didn’t concern you? Arin liked you, yes, but being entirely in your care for 48 hours was different. She might not want to, she might feel uncomfortable. However knowing that it wasn’t the case, suggesting it herself so casually over dinner had given you the confidence to push through. Seokjin needn’t be worried about asking too much of you.

Regarding you silently, he considered your words. Lovingly, you glided your hand up his arm, reaching out for his cheek. He pressed into your touch automatically. “I want to help you out.” At that, he smiled gently, lips turning up in a way that rounded his cheeks, making him appear at least a decade younger. It was wholly unfair.

Turning slightly, his lips grazed your palm. “I’ll ask her about it in the morning.” You grinned, visibly pleased, and Seokjin took your hand to tug you gently to his chest. This time he placed a kiss on your mouth, humming happily. “Thank you.”

Arin was more than happy about it. Seokjin suggested you stay at his home for the weekend, seeing as that would be easier for the both of you, but she was pretty adamant she wanted to stay at your place. You understood, kid’s curiosity and all. She wanted to know what your home looked like, she wanted to meet your “pretty best friend” she liked to ask about sometimes. Honestly, you felt touched that she wanted to learn more about your life. It was just another reminder of her acceptance when it came to you, and you’d be forever touched by how easily she’d let you into her life. She was more than welcome to come stay at your place, but of course you’d run it by Soojung first. She’d agreed quite easily, even after you informed her you’d be sharing her bed all weekend, Arin of course using yours.

On Thursday night Seokjin’s guilt was getting the better of him. He had you on the phone, making sure you were 100% okay with looking after Arin. He didn’t want you to feel as if you were trapped just because you felt compelled to help him. He could cancel his trip. You told him how stupid he was being. Cancelling would put so many people out, including himself. Besides, you not only wanted to help him out, you wanted to take care of Arin. You felt as though you were capable, and if you were being even more honest with him, you felt really happy it was happening. Knowing Arin trusted you this much was a great feeling. Knowing he trusted you enough…

“Why wouldn’t I trust you?” He scoffed in disbelief. “You’re great with her. She loves you.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” you laughed.

“How come?” He was hellbent on proving you wrong, voice softening as he continued. “You’re so easy to love.”

You felt your heart skip a beat. He’d said it so casually, so easily, you felt dumb searching too much into his words. It was far too early to think of things like that – for confessions like that. Right? Still, he sounded genuine enough. He meant it, even if it wasn’t in that way. Not that you were expecting anything. You were perfectly happy with how things were, your feelings growing stronger each day. You weren’t in a rush, neither was he. That’s what made your relationship so great. But your heart still felt all fuzzy regardless. You found yourself smiling down the line, your thanks obvious in your tone. “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you more.” He ignored your noises of complaint. “I’ll video call you a lot – and Arin of course.” Then he laughed. “Although, I’ll have a feeling she won’t miss me at all this weekend.”

The next day you finished up work early, it was a Friday anyway, so you never made a habit of sticking around too long, but this time you were packed and ready to go the same time as the kids. Arin would be waiting in her classroom, ready to go home with you for the weekend. Seokjin had dropped off her things early this morning before his flight, indulging you in a few sleepy kisses before he had to go, a promise of ‘I’ll see you Sunday night,” slipping from his slightly downturned lips, hands reluctant to let you go.

Arin was visibly excited when she saw you, seconds away from jumping up and down on the spot, your first name rushing out of her mouth without realising. It was no big deal of course, but her reaction was cute, eyes widening as her lips parted into a circle, a noise of realisation leaving her. She looked very much like her father, which made it even funnier. You took her hand, saying your goodbyes to Mr. Moon, her second grade teacher, and left the building for your car.

“This is a really nice car, Y/N,” she complimented as you made sure she was strapped in properly. You weren’t nervous, but you were slightly on edge, cautious, being a better word, to make sure everything was okay. You needed all bases covered. Arin was in your care for 48 hours after all. You told yourself to calm down, if Seokjin knew you were being this antsy he’d be highly amused. You wouldn’t stop hearing about it for a week.

“I’ve always wanted to ride in it,” Arin continued.

You smiled down at her. “Thank you.” She was one of the sweetest kids you knew. Your car was average. Not that she knew anything about makes and prices and whatever else there was. You didn’t either. As long as it drove you from point A to B you didn’t care what it looked like.

“Will your best friend be home when we arrive?” She asked as you got inside the driver’s seat, sticking the key in the ignition.

“Soojung? She’ll be still in work. Remember I told she works at a department store?” It was adorable how excited she was to meet Soo. Your best friend’s head would be double the size soon, ego inflated.

“Mhmm,” Arin hummed responsively.

“She won’t be done until around 6.” You turned back to look at her, knowing your next sentence would make her day. “I think she wanted to get pizza for dinner. Would you like that?”

“YES!” Arin exclaimed immediately, eyes lighting up. “Soojung likes pizza too?”

With a chuckle, you started the vehicle up and started backing out of your spot, replying as you did so. “She does.” But in truth, the pizza tonight was Seokjin’s idea. He’d given you one of his bank cards to spend on the food bill with strict instructions to only feed her the doughy delicacy once this weekend. He knew what she was like – you both did. She’d eat pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner if she could. If you suggested it tonight, then that was it. She’d be eating your menu come Saturday and Sunday.

“How far away is your house from the school?”

You’d lost count of how many questions she’d already asked you since you’d arrived to collect her. It was comical. Seokjin had not warned you about that, but your years of experience had told you to expect it. What was a kid without questions? You’d be worried if she was silent.

“Not too long.” You replied, glancing in the rear view mirror to see her happily looking out of the window. “When we get in, I’ll text daddy and see if he’s free to videocall.”

“Okay.”

You tried to stop the smile that wanted to break across your face at her nonchalance. “Do you miss him yet?”

With a brief shake of her head, still staring at the whizzing scenery outside she answered pretty simply. “Not really.”

This time you burst out laughing, unable to stop. She looked over at the noise, meeting your eyes in the mirror as you took a right turn, giggling along. “Don’t tell him though, Y/N. It might make him sad.”

“I won’t, Arin.” You reassured with another chuckle. “It can be our little secret.”

She settled in well that night, immediately warming to Soojung (who despite her lifelong insistence, was great with children). You thought perhaps Arin would begin to get homesick once it was time for bed, but after watching a movie you tucked her in and said goodnight. You thought she’d have trouble sleeping because she was in a strange bed but checking in on her twenty minutes later you found her fast asleep, hugging her rabbit plushie. You on the other hand got ready to share a bed with Soojung – the bed cover hogger…

The next day Arin had you awake at 6am. You already knew about her liveliness in the mornings, so it was no surprise. You’d been woken up countless times over the summer by a knock at Seokjin’s door, Arin’s voice calling out for him. On days you weren’t there she’d even barge in and jump on the bed. Where she got her energy from so early in the morning was a mystery. This morning however, she caught you on the way out of the bathroom. You’d been tossing and turning all night, wresting the covers from Soo. You’d thought about maybe taking a blanket and having an hours nap on the sofa, but there Arin was creeping out of your room, a smile on her face as she saw it was you.

There was no tempting her back to bed, so you sat her down at the table and made her some breakfast, snapping a picture to send to her father. (Captioned: Guess who had me up at 6am 😴) You had a few things planned today. Seokjin always made sure Arin was busy on the weekends, it was the only time he got to spend with her fully unless she was with her mom, especially now that she was back in school. Even if it was just something as simple as going to the park, he always made plans. So, to do your part and to keep her entertained, you were going to run by her house to make sure the rabbits were fine (fed and watered), then go to the mall. It was simple, yes, but you needed to get a few things anyway, and you promised after all that walking around you’d stop by the food court. Then she had to accompany you to the grocery store to get ingredients for tonight’s dinner.

She was pretty damn excited regardless. “I like going to the mall with mommy because daddy finds it boring,” she informed you as she picked out her clothes that you’d helped her unpack yesterday. That definitely sounded like Seokjin, you thought to yourself, laughing along with her. “Mommy told me that next weekend she’s going to take me shopping and buy me anyyy-thing I want.”

“That sounds like great fun,” you smiled, telling yourself you’d pretend you never heard that… Seokjin was keen not to spoil Arin so you didn’t think he’d be best pleased to find this out. “What do you want to buy?”

“Hmm. Something for Olive and Ariel, I think.”

You smiled again, admiring her caring nature. Her rabbits were the most well looked after in this entire country. She adored them. “I think they’ll really appreciate that.”

You continued helping Arin get ready first, and thankfully by the time you were done Soojung had risen. You left them watching cartoons together while you showered, eager to leave by 10am.

Arin you found out, didn’t just like the mall, she loved it very much. She was practically skipping around the place as she held your hand, helping you pick out the things you needed for your craft session with the students on Monday. While she was recommending paint colours to you, she surprised you with a confession. “I wish you were still my teacher, Y/N.”

“How come?” You asked gently.

She gave a tiny shrug. “I’d get to see you every day.”

Oh. You didn’t know what to say to that, touched at her matter-of-fact revelation. Instead you wrapped an arm around her shoulders, giving her a loving squeeze.

“But actually, maybe I wouldn’t like it.” She added as an afterthought. You waited, curious as to why she’d changed her mind so suddenly. “I’d have to call you Miss Y/L/N. I’d get too confused.”

You laughed, this child was far too funny for her own good. “Me too, Arin. It’s better this way, right?”

“Right,” she agreed with a nod.

“Y/N, this is pretty,” Arin cooed, calling your attention as you rounded the stand. You’d gotten everything you needed and were now browsing around some other stores. You’d let Arin pick a couple out, worrying she might be getting bored, and one of her choices had been Claire’s. She was holding up a charm bracelet.

“Very pretty,” you agreed.

And then she struck. “Can I have it?” She didn’t give you time to answer, eyes widening as she began to beg, voice soft and hopeful. “Please. Pretty please.”

You chuckled. You were practically immune to cute kids, so that wouldn’t work on you. However, she had been really well-behaved all morning, in your eyes she deserved a small treat. “You can. But just this one thing, okay?”

“Thank you, Y/N!” She squealed, rushing up to you. She gave your arm a squeeze. “I like you much better than daddy.”

“That will hurt his feelings,” you burst out laughing. She didn’t have to butter you up, you’d already said yes.

As you were paying the cashier, she wondered off to a stand of keychains, her eyes catching something instantly. “Oooh, pretty,” she purred and the cashier, a woman no more than a few years older than you, laughed.

“Best escape before she wants something else,” you joked, handing over some cash.

“My daughter is just the same. Kids, who’d have them, right? We’re glutton for punishment.” She joked.

“Oh, no, I’m –” You stopped yourself dead, unsure what to say. Had this woman just mistaken you for Arin’s mother? It definitely sounded that way. But just how could you correct her?

“Don’t get me wrong,” the cashier said, shaking her head. “They’re definitely worth it.”

You forced yourself to smile, feeling a little wooden, but the chuckle you got out sounded better. “Yeah, yeah they are.” You glanced over at Arin, thankfully she was too distracted by the abundance of cute animal keychains. You turned back and took your bag from the woman, trying to shake off how awkward you felt. “Thank you. Bye.”

Walking over to Arin you took her hand. “Hope to see you again soon,” the cashier called behind you and you gave a wave, telling Arin to do the same.

“Thank you,” she sang sweetly as she did so.

“So, something weird happened today,” you told Soojung as you prepared food, careful to keep your voice low even though Arin was well and truly distracted inside the living room. Taehyung was a master with children. The guy needed a career change immediately. You’d never heard Arin laugh so hard. She’d been in stitches for the last hour. You were worried she’d be way to hyperactive for bedtime once it came.

Soojung looked up from where she was chopping onion, interested as her eyebrow raised.

“The woman at Claire’s mistook me for Arin’s mother.”

Soojung scoffed, lifting her shoulders in a casual shrug. “I’m not surprised. It was bound to happen. It’s normal.” She added, reassuring you as she saw the look on your face. “People just naturally assume.”

“I guess…”

“What did you tell her?”

Your expression turned sheepish. “I just went along with it,” you confessed, placing spaghetti in a pan of bubbling water. You caught the look she gave you. “I didn’t know what to say!” It was the truth. “I’m her father’s girlfriend seemed too… I don’t know…” Too impersonal?

“That’s what you are though,” Soo snorted.

You gave up, knowing you were probably making a huge deal out of this. Was it that serious? Probably not. “I just felt awkward.”

“Because you hate correcting people, or because you didn’t like someone mistaking you for Arin’s mother,” your best friend pried.

“It’s definitely not that. It’s just…” You sighed. “How would Arin feel about it? What if she’d heard?”

Soojung shrugged. “She loves you. You’re great with her.”

That wasn’t the point you were trying to make. “It still might have upset her though. She adores her mom.” You weren’t trying to take Nana’s place and you didn’t want her to ever think that.

It was Soo’s turn to sigh, dropping the chopped onions into a fry pan. “Do you want my opinion?”

“Please,” you requested meekly.

“I think you’re looking way too much into it.” Obviously. “It’s not a big deal at all, and Arin didn’t hear anything so nothing to worry about.”

“You’re right,” you agreed, telling yourself to shake it off.

“Of course I am,” she quipped, rooting around in a cupboard now. She turned back, a can of tomatoes in her hand. “I’m sure Seokjin will be able to ease your mind with his sexy Dilf powers or whatever he calls them.”

“Shut up,” you groaned. You weren’t even sure if you were going to tell him. Like she kept saying, it wasn’t a big deal, right? It was an easy mistake to make. Probably happened all the time.

From inside the living room you heard Taehyung roar loudly, mimicking a lion (possibly) and Arin shrieked out his name, laughter exploding from her. “Quick, let’s get dinner ready as soon as possible.” Soojung begged, dramatic as always. “I’m scared Tae might be getting ideas. I’m too young for kids!”

The rest of the weekend went by smoothly. Despite the excitement levels that Saturday night brought, Arin was knocked out by 9pm. You, Soojung and Taehyung stayed up for another hour before he had to leave and then Soo made her way to bed, needing to wake up early tomorrow for work. That left you on the couch, awaiting Seokjin’s video call. He’d already called once today, but Arin was so hyped, talking a mile a minute about her day, you couldn’t get a word in edgeways. (Neither could he.) You were thankful for some alone time. You were missing him. He’d gone away on business trips a couple of times in the summer but it didn’t mean you’d get used to it. You both talked about your day, and you decided there and then not to tell him about the Claire’s “incident.” Soojung was right, it was no big deal. It was a common misunderstanding, one you’d probably made unknowingly before too. After you’d said your goodbyes you went to bed, already strategizing how you were going to steal the covers back from Soojung. As much as you’d enjoyed looking after Arin, you couldn’t wait to have your own bed back. Sharing with your bestie was torture. Taehyung was an admirable man.

Sunday was a chillout day, although Arin still had you awake at 6am. You made her breakfast, watched some cartoons and shared turns on her Switch before you both got ready for the day. You checked in on Olive and Ariel briefly before driving back to your place. There was a park nearby and you promised you’d take her. The weather was still warm despite September trickling by. It was crazy how fast this year had gone, autumn already nearly here. For the rest of the day you both relaxed in front of the TV, waiting until Soojung was home to watch a movie, and then you made dinner. Seokjin was due back around 7pm, so you made sure all of Arin’s things were packed up ready to go. It was just gone eight when he turned up at your door. Arin had already passed out on the sofa after her hot chocolate so he couldn’t stay long. You thought with how entertaining this weekend had been it had finally all caught up with her.

“Are you sure you don’t want to spend the night?” He asked, careful to keep his voice down as he strapped Arin inside his car. (Still sleeping.) You’d followed him out as he carried her towards the vehicle, wanting to say your goodbyes.

He straightened up, closing the car door as he stepped closer to you. You rubbed his arm. “You must be exhausted.”

“Don’t baby me.” Reaching forward, he wrapped his arms around you, squishing your arms to your side. “I missed you.”

You hummed, pressing your lips to his, careful to keep your voice a whisper. “Your dick missed me.”

He scoffed in disbelief but couldn’t argue. “That’s…not a lie. My heart missed you too though.”

“How sweet,” you joked, but couldn’t keep your charade up for much longer. “I missed you too.” This time the press of your mouth was much firmer. He matched it, letting you slip your arms around his sides, holding him too.

“Tomorrow, then?” He asked hopefully, tip of his tongue wetting his bottom lip slightly as he pulled away. “I know it’s a school night but I swear I only get a good night’s sleep lying next to you.”

Laughing, you nodded your head. “Tomorrow.” You agreed wholeheartedly. Sleeping alone was no fun anymore.

He captured your mouth again, humming happily. “Can’t wait.”

The following weekend Arin was with her mom so you and Seokjin had the entire weekend to yourselves. Saturday was busy, you’d both probably been a little too ambitious when you’d decided to cram as many different activities as you could into the day, but it was too good of an opportunity to pass up. You didn’t get many days to spend together likes this; walking hand in hand as you explored the local market, having brunch together, checking out a new museum exhibit, watching a movie at the theatre… You treasured days like these. And what better way to end one with? Jacuzzi time!

Seokjin’s jacuzzi was fast becoming one of life’s staples lately. Who were you? A changed woman, that’s who. This was your favourite space in Seokjin’s garden(s). An area of decking, solar lights draped over the sleek fencing. In the middle was the jacuzzi, set into the wood. Now that the nights were drawing in, it was especially cosy out here, summer holding on for just a little bit longer as the weather stayed quite warm. It wouldn’t be like this for long so you had to make the most of it right now.

You were sat inside the jacuzzi, water gently bubbling around you as you gazed up at the stars that had just started to appear when you heard Seokjin emerging from the house. His footsteps sounded against the wooden steps as he made his way towards you. You didn’t bother looking but when he didn’t join you straight away, you glanced over curiously. To be met with a rather naked boyfriend.

“What are you doing?!” You exclaimed, eyes bugging out.

He grinned. It was hardly innocent. “Jacuzzi’s are much more enjoyable naked, didn’t you know?”

You tsked, watching him climb into the tub and make his way over to you. His mouth was immediately on yours, arms around your waist as he tugged for you to stand up. This wasn’t just any type of kiss. Like you’d said before, you knew Seokjin very well by now, and besides, you’d already noticed his dick was half aroused as he stood above you… He had a plan.

On cue, he broke away, corners of his plump lips tugging upwards with a suggestion.

“Join me?”

“Seokjin…” You warned, voice low, hands grazing the tops of his arms. He couldn’t be serious.

“No one can see us,” he reassured you with a wider smile.

You mean, he was correct. This time you let your hands make their way to his shoulders, massaging them lightly. “You’re crazy.”

“Yeah, crazy for you,” he smirked, leaning in to kiss you once again. His lips were slow, coaxing. Even more so as they made their way down your jaw and to your neck. You keened into his touch, his hands grazing down your sides, fingers toying with the sides of your bikini bottoms. “C’mon…” He sunk his teeth into your skin gently and you whined. “I know you want to.” You did indeed. Very much so. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you confirmed, voice suddenly hoarse. You cleared your throat just as his fingers began to untie the strings of your bra, mouth still peppering your neck with kisses. Until that was your chest was bare, and then his lips were wrapped around one nipple, water rippling with the sudden movement. You moaned as quietly as you could, wanting to encourage him because it felt good, but also nervous as hell because you were outside. You didn’t care if there was no one around for a good mile, you were still out in the open.

Cupping your breasts in his palms he gazed down at them, sighing dreamily. “Have I ever told you how much I love your tits?”

You raised an eyebrow. “One. Don’t be so crude.” (Not that you didn’t like it.) “And two. Yes, yes you have.” You broke off with a laugh, reaching for him to mesh your mouths together. He couldn’t help but chuckle too, but elsewhere he had a hand down your bikini to grab your ass.

“What’s gotten – Seokjin!” You practically roared, cutting yourself off as he suddenly dived down into the water, fully submerged, hands attempting to tear your bottoms off. “What are you doing,” you giggled, clinging to his back as you tried to stay upright. He had one of your ankles in his hand, wrestling with the fabric.

A few moments later he arose successful, flicking his head back to stop his wet hair from dripping in his eyes. He pushed it back further with his hands, forehead now devastating, skin glistening with water droplets. You heart stilled, he looked gorgeous – and naughty. Behind him your bikini bottoms floated to the surface. A smirk spread across his face as he finally replied. “Getting you naked.” And then he was on you.

He kissed you hungrily, his erection pressed up against you, hot and eager now, just like his tongue. Your fingers threaded through his wet locks, letting him push his body weight into you until the backs of your legs hit the seat.

“Up here for me,” he pulled away briefly, command light, tapping his hand against the deck behind you. You let him slip his hands around your hips and lift you up, legs spread to accommodate his body, feet still in the water atop of the seat.

“You’re not too cold?” He made sure to ask, concerned despite being ravenous. You shook your head, desire for him enough despite the night air cooling the water against your skin. Satisfied he immediately dove in, leaning forward to place a kiss against your wetness. You pulsed against the touch, moving back on your elbows to get comfier just as his tongue came out and flicked against your clit. Suddenly you didn’t care that you were outside.

From up here you had a great view of the expanse of his broad, wet back, muscles rippling as he ate you out. You moaned softly, running a hand through his hair, gaze falling to his face. His eyes were closed, water droplets caught in his dark eyebrows and as if he could feel your eyes watching him, he looked up, smirking against you before he sucked the sensitive bud into his mouth, actions growing more eager as he heard you go crazy for it.

He knew your body well, which is why he cruelly held off slipping a finger inside of you. Actually, on second thought, he knew damn well that the second he did so, your orgasm would soon follow. It wasn’t hard to tease your body, to control it how he wanted. As soon as you felt his middle digit push inside, you clenched around it, hips bucking into Seokjin’s face as a stifled cry forced its way out of your mouth. He grunted, inserting another finger, curling and uncurling them as his other hand gripped your hip, trying his best to keep you still. It was no use, you were a woman possessed, pleasure beginning to hurtle through your body at an alarming rate. You stretched out, fingers of one hand sliding along the wood beneath you, desperately trying to cling onto something as you moaned uncontrollably. Seokjin hummed along, encouraging you, coaxing the orgasm through your body. With each wave your breath shuddered harder.

You only started coming to when you felt his fingers slip out of you, his tongue ceasing, mouth now at your inner thigh, kissing you wetly, passionately. Your hands reached for him, wanting him close, but he was already on it, straightening up to meet your mouth. “I need you,” he breathed. You could taste yourself, it was intoxicating. “Here.”

“Here?!” You exclaimed weakly, unfocused eyes trying to concentrate on his face.

He kissed you once more, moaning a little. “Yeah.” His hands wrapped around your hips, lifting you further up the decking before he climbed out of the water and crawled over your body, reaching for something behind you. “Look – let’s use this.” He had a beach towel in his hand, the one you’d left draped over one of the wicker chairs, and he hurriedly laid it out, pressing you into it to kiss you again. His cock was hard and wet, bobbing against your inner thighs.

“Are you sure you’re not cold?” He asked, wet hair now having fallen in his eyes.

You cupped his face, nodding your head as you leaned up. You were still thrumming from your high. “Yes.” Your tongue curled against his open mouth, slipping in to meet his own. The kiss was messy, distracted, as he spread your legs, hooking one up under your thigh.

Breaking away from your mouth, he straightened his back and aligned himself at your entrance, needing no hands he was so erect. You clung to his shoulders, waiting for the first thrust. His skin was still dotted with water droplets. “I’m too impatient, baby,” he told you simply, and then he pushed inside.

Slowly, savouring the feeling of your walls stretching around him, both of you gasping as he bottomed out. With a slow thrust he groaned. “You feel like heaven.” As he leaned in to kiss you, he noticed you trying to hold back a giggle. “What?”

You burst. “That was so cheesy.”

Chuckling, he kissed you again, tips of his ears turning red. “Don’t laugh at me.” You snorted, unable to help it, reaching for him in silent apology, despite laughter still escaping you. “Seriously, stoppp,” he whined, dropping his head.

You grinned. “Or what?”

That got his attention. Looking up, his top lip twitched. His hand cupped your face, thumb brushing over your lips. “I’ll have to teach you a lesson,” he murmured, voice an octave lower. You opened up, sucking the digit into your mouth, looking up at him knowingly. He knew what you were thinking. That didn’t sound so bad.

“My mistake.” He smiled, gaze intense as he pulled away, his thumb leaving you with a silent pop. “You’d love that, wouldn’t you?”

You were seconds away from agreeing but became distracted, watching him lift both legs up by the back of your thighs now, hiking them above his shoulders. He dick slipped so deep you choked, feeling so full you didn’t know what to do.

“S-seokjin,” you panicked, your hands clutching his arms.

He cocked his head to the side, voice soft. “Trust me?”

You nodded, something already so addicting about feeling him inside you like this. You felt beyond sensitive, beginning to tremble as he slowly thrust in and out of you, bringing the tip of his cock almost all the way out before sinking back into your warmth. You moaned out, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes with a pleasure so overwhelming. He sped up, going harder now that he was certain you were enjoying yourself, wet squelches sounding along with your moans and his grunts. You loved watching him fuck you like this, towering down over you, the wet spikes of hair falling down around his face, fucking you with his entire body weight, your ass sliding back and forth against the towel.

However, you also loved kissing him. Holding him as he thrust inside, keeping him to you.

“Seokjin,” you breathed, voice tight, hands reaching for him. He got the message, easing your legs to the ground carefully as he took one of your hands and brought it up to his mouth, kissing it tenderly, your name slipping from his lips, breathless and husky.

He moved closer, capturing your lips eagerly and you hooked your legs around his waist, clinging to the back of his neck in the process as your hips jutted up to meet each roll of his own. You were both panting by now, grunts of exertion slipping from your mouths as you continued to make out. His movements were messier, wet bodies pressed up close, enough to provide enough friction for a second orgasm.

“Ah… I’m close,” he panted, mouth grazing down your throat as he attempted to keep the same momentum.

“M-me too.”

That spurred him on, hips snapping into yours with a cry, newfound determination, lips pressing into yours once more. You came together, out of breath and quite sweaty, but mouths unrelenting. You’d never get enough of kissing him. It was addictive – especially like this.

Spent, he slid out of your dampness naturally, having grown flaccid, kissing you slowly now, indulgently, until he was moving south, capturing your left breast in his mouth, tongue encircling your nipple. You shuddered as he pulled back, one of his hands cupping the right breast to give that a parting kiss too. It wouldn’t be long before you started growing cold, but you were so content here you didn’t care.

Seokjin lifted his head up, gazing straight into your eyes. His were warm and soft, drunk on your beauty (or so he would say). “I want to give you the world,” he breathed, sealing his confession with a press of his mouth.

Your heart swelled, heat prickling your skin and you clung to him. But despite that, you felt the need to joke around. Call it a defence mechanism, who knew. “Men are so weak,” you chuckled, running your fingers through his hair to pull it back, revealing his face again. The tips had already started to dry. “Let them cum inside you and they’re like putty in your hands.”

He laughed too, genuinely amused, but his eyes were still soft and he leaned into your touch, content with the way you held his face now. “I mean it though,” he whispered. “Tell me what you want. Anything. I’ll make it happen.”

You raised an eyebrow. He was being ridiculous, acting drunk. Still, you were pretty simple. You didn’t have many wishes, many dreams. “I want to travel on a plane.”

It was his turn to lift an eyebrow, intrigued. “Like a private jet or?”

“No,” you giggled, “just a plane in general.” You kissed his nose. “You know I’ve never been out of the country before.”

“You want me to take you on vacation?” He hummed, turning suggestive pretty quickly. “A sexcation?”

“Seokjinn,” you whined, dropping your hands from his face.

He nudged his nose against yours playfully. “Well, of course there’ll be sex involved, but,” he grew serious, genuinely interested, “where do you want to go?”

“Hm, anywhere?”

“Anywhere,” he confirmed, adding, “unless it’s another planet, or the moon.”

You smiled, amused, yet deeply preoccupied now. Where did you want to go? What was your dream destination? You’d had one place in mind since you were a child. Running a hand down his bare chest you suddenly felt coy. “I want to visit Paris.”

He grinned. “France, Mademoiselle?”

You matched it. “Oui.”

“Done.” He kissed you, sealing the deal. “Let’s go there tonight.”

You burst out laughing at his idiocy. “I have school. You have work – a daughter!”

He laughed too, but he was distracted, gazing at you tenderly once more. He opened his mouth, about to say something but hesitated. Instead he smiled, nodding his head resolutely. “Okay, soon. Very soon.” He laughed when you squealed in excitement, bringing one of your hands to his lips. “I’m going to take you to the most romantic city on earth, baby.”

It was Sunday the next day, which meant only one thing. Lazy morning sex. It was his favourite, his time to indulge in all things beautiful and pleasurable he told you. (i.e. You). You’d grown used to his lame lines, he couldn’t help it, and deep down you secretly loved them. A man so shameless with his desire, his devotion. You really had hit the jackpot.

Sundays were also your excuse to just be lazy in general. You usually skipped breakfast in choice of an early lunch, but today you wanted to picnic outside. You knew in a week or so the weather would begin to change more drastically so this was your last chance. You made a reluctant Seokjin get out of bed and shower with you, ignoring his advances as you did so. He was like a dog in heat. Not that you usually complained, but today you really wanted to hit the grocery store before rush hour. Sundays were always busy.

A few hours later you had everything ready, outside in the spot that saw the most sun. It bleated down on you as you kneeled, arranging all the dishes across the blanket you’d placed down across the lawn.

“Oh, shoot. I forgot the salad.” Seokjin realised by the side of you. “I’ll be one sec, honey.” He kissed your cheek as he stood, smacking your ass playfully in the process. “Don’t start without me.”

“What will you do about it?” You called out to him, unable to help it.

“If you’re feeling brave, I guess you’ll find out.” He called back with a laugh, retreating into the house.

A good girl, you waited patiently, but then time started to tick on. One minute, then five… At ten you stood up with a sigh. Where was he? You had visions of the salad bowl on the floor smashed to smithereens. You made your way through the doors that led inside the back of the house. You past his study, calling his name. “Seokjin? Did you get lost?”

You were met with silence, which wasn’t surprising, his home was big after all. Down the corridor, closer to the kitchen you began to hear voices. Seokjin’s familiar rumble, although you couldn’t make it out, and then a louder, unfamiliar voice – female. You followed the sound, realising it was coming from the living room nearest the front door. A sick feeling was slowly creeping its way up your throat, but you didn’t understand why. As you got closer your heart began to race, blood rushing through your ears. There was this sudden feeling of dread. It was so strong you could practically taste it, and you were so frazzled you couldn’t concentrate on the words you were hearing as you rounded the corner of the open door, although you did acknowledge them.

Immediately as you came into view you heard them loud and clear though. Directed at you.

“Oh, and this is her, right?”

They were coming from a woman, her dark eyes piercing into yours. She was beautiful, was your first thought. Tall and slim, with long black hair, so silky she could have come straight from a shampoo commercial. It reminded you of someone. Her hair just as dark and shiny. Arin.

At the thought of the child’s name, you looked down, spotting her beside the stranger, clinging to her hand, eyes wide and shiny with worried tears. Everything clicked into place then. Confusion clearing, yet the sick feeling got stronger. This wasn’t a stranger. It was Arin’s mother. Seokjin’s ex-wife. Nana. And she looked angry.

You glanced around, spotting Seokjin who was looking your way with apologetic eyes. His face looked torn. He murmured your name, stepping towards you, a protective hand reaching for your own. He held it tight, giving you a comforting squeeze. His palm was clammy.

“Yes, here she is!” Nana laughed harshly, needing no reply. It made you wince. Beside you Seokjin groaned quietly, rubbing his free hand across his face before he took a deep breath. As if he was gearing himself up.

You looked at Nana, chest a little tight, something heavy in your stomach. When your eyes locked the corners of her mouth curled upwards.

“The stepmom!” She sneered.

Written 2020 - 2021. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2021

#seokjin smut #seokjin fanfic #bts smut #bts fanfic #fic:mls #floralseokjin:writings

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riskeith · 4 years

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ooo! how was playing? what do you think about the event? i’m really enjoying it actually... always nice getting new daily things to do hehe.

yeah i think everyone knows The Cover now. i still can’t believe they did that... not complaining tho... oh really? you’re absolutely right and judging by the way they’re taking the story it seems like those two will have a lot more growth to their relationship. who knows maybe we’ll even get a part where bakugou apologizes or even talks about their past etc. one can only wish. YEAH i’ve seen both the movies and i love them!! they’re super fun and such a nice break from everything that happens in the anime sjskjssk kiribaku in the first one was so gay i.... we get it boys y’all in love fhjsjdjfk (THE SIDEWAYS TODOBAKU SMILE... one of my favorite moments ever) i am all caught up now.. waiting for s5... :(

no clue!! it’s just my theory so it might be wrong. the blue one was cute too so was the pink one.... they’re all cute why do we have to pick just one :( HEY you do know how to draw 😡 pretty amazingly too! but i’d love to see that in your style chongyun is so precious.. <3

omg i gotta hustle hard for AR 35 then i already miss him. i’m at 26 now and god.. it’s getting more and more difficult i can’t imagine how it is at like 45... 😭

oooooh!!! honestly barbara healing is godsent if you don’t get him you should consider it (hopefully you do though!!) IVE SEEN VIDEOS OF OCEANID AND HE LOOKS SO SCARY CLUNA.... no thoughts head empty only boy scouts party. looking at others with amazing parties: ok but do you have boy scouts party?

i mostly have sword users! but like i mentioned i’m starting to fall in love with book users (and even bow users) shskfhdkd so i might consider investing in those some day idk they just shoot of attacks and it’s so sexy. no hands dirty. ningguang seems so op 😭 plus geo is so nice!! like an all around element.

HE’S TALL? he has a short person voice...

i’m making a twitter i wanna see some fluff 😭 wait really? even this fandom is shit? why 😭 i sometimes see yt comments and the thing i’m iffy about is how people talk about spending money on it etc but is there more?

i’ve never heard anyone do that that’s so interesting!!!! do you write it down in the same doc and then delete it or do you write it separately?

ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!!! i’ve had so many ideas come to me before bed and i always think that i’m gonna remember them but i never do it makes me so upset. especially if it’s an idea of how to continue a story i’m stuck with... god it’s the worse. writer things 🤪

“stan loona” aka bane of my existence. i don’t usually tell ppl i used to stan because of that reason sksksj. god that was the worst sheesh. anyway. yelling at ALL of these!!! ofc i know daddy issues slowed!!!!!!!!! it’s like one of the most popular slowed songs we’re all just a sad horny bunch loving sexy vibes huh. i listen to slowed songs a lot when i write actually it sets the mood. it doesn’t even have to be anything racy sometimes it’s just calms you down. do you listen to music while you write? also i don’t listen to any of those you mentioned except troye 😭 i’m sorry 😭 but if you’re have recs i’d love to hear them ofc!!

“after school” time that’s so cute. it reminds me of when you’re younger and you run back home and eat a snack and watch cartoon (i say that as both of us still watch cartoons... yee) speaking of crying; would you consider yourself a crybaby? (such a random question hskshdjdfhhd)

before i leave; let me blow your mind with a little something... https://twitter.com/primo_fates/status/1347780975078506496?s=21

hehe... mwah. ;)

it was good!! i tried to get some ominous masks and weathered arrows, but drop rates are always shit lolll. and i think the event is alright! i don’t love it but yeah as you said it’s fun to have something more to do every day.

ikr omg... it’s such a good cover LMAO. omg a bakugou apology 😩😩. what did you think of deku vs kacchan part 2?? i regularly rewatch clips of it and cry LMAOOO god bakugou.. “why did i become the reason for all might’s end?” heart broken wow. NICE!! yeah i remember everyone freaking out over the kiribaku scenes in the first one and honestly,,,, how else do you explain it LMAO. (AND THAT SIDEWAYS SMILE!!! holy shit i watched the movie like the day after i got into todobaku and that scene obliterated me.... absolutely destroyed!) aw nice! but yeah now it’s just the waiting game i guess lol welcome to the club 🤪

IKR??? i saw the “once you pick one the others are gone” and i was just nooooooooooo whyyyy. you can’t give us all these options then don’t actually give us an option 😭 AHAHA thank u but i always joke that i can only draw well like once every 10 tries so... yeahhh we shall see! i have this thing envisioned in my mind but i am unable to execute it fskhfkdsjfs

yeah omg when i reached 45 i was like “wow i’m gonna have to do the ascension quest soon” but it’s taking me so long to reach ar 46??? yikes how am i meant to get the experience with no quests fkhdsfkjsd

i use barbara a lot in the fire domains and with the pyro regisvine!! it’s kinda funny that i’m bringing a level 40 into a level 70+ fight LOL but yeah she’s good! AND YEAHHH OCEANID LEGIT GIVES ME NIGHTMARES I JUST. as soon as i had an actual team that could beat it i grinded it as much as i could before my world level went up and it became impossible again.... but since mine might go up again soon maybe i should grind some more... and maybe i’ll be able to level up both xingqiu and barbara lol. EXACTLY!! can they pls interact in game somehow omg.. we need a bennett story!! and more razor!!!! and chongyun too!! i forgot he hasn’t actually appeared in game hfsdkjfds. and ofc xingqiu <3

fdfjlsjfs are you gonna go from a no long range team to an only long range team ahahah. and you like geo??? omg no... i hate it bc it’s so like. inert FHKDJFSD. but i guess the shields are really nice!

HE’S 172 CM!!!!! he has a baby face too so it’s pretty wild fhskdjds

ooo wdym how they talk about spending money? i don’t really look at youtube comments tbh lol. and i haven’t really seen people talk about spending money much on twitter? tho some content creators i follow open commissions for money for the gacha fhsdfksj. if you do end up joining genshintwt i hope you have fun!!

same doc and then i delete! but sometimes if the plan is really long i’ll make a new doc so i can see both at the same time (but recently i’ve just been opening the same doc again so i can see both that way lol). do your dotpoints go into the same doc as your writing one?

LMAOOO yeah i’m always like “hnghhh okay it’s fine.. i will Remember... trust myself” and then i never do and it’s just like welp goodbye to that amazing idea. but also bc it was thought up at such a weird time maybe it isn’t actually that good after all LOL

oh nice!! yeah slowed songs are soooo good. and i usually do listen to music! it’ll depend on what i’m writing bc i like the songs to have a similar vibe, but sometimes it’s too distracting so i put on lofi or something so there are no words ahaha. oh rippp LOL! hmm well badlands by halsey was my klance/voltron album writing soundtrack for a really long time.. i wrote a few fics with that in the background i think! melanie martinez’ k-12 album has a whole free movie to go with it! if you wanna check that out. bastille’s pompeii was really popular but i also really like flaws and of the night from them.. a lot of these are older bc i don’t listen to new stuff fhsdfkjds. and hmm pentatonix (they’re an acapella group!) do a lot of covers so maybe you can find one of a song you like and check them out that way? ahah that’s a lot feel free to not listen to any!! no stress at all lmao

oh fun fact melanie has a idk what to call it character? and song called ‘crybaby’! so very coincidental you asked. but yeah i think i am? LMAOOO like if i’m alone in my room watching something and it’s sad i Will Not hesitate to cry.. like sometimes you just gotta get it out you know? and sometimes maybe it’s a little boy singing a korean cover of colours of the wind but it’s so ethereal you just burst into tears but that’s fine! FHDSKJFHDSFKJS. how about you?

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD!! i legit. my jaw is dropped. i. oh my god 😭😭😭😭😭😭 FHSJFKHSKDJF1!!!! 😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 this is so atmospheric and cosy and warm 😭😭😭 i can go at peace now.. fhskfhdsjf

thank you always!! - c.r. xoxo

#marriage anon #wowclunaanswers #long post

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la-knight · 6 years

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BOOKS I (RE)READ IN 2018: FURTHERMORE BY TAHEREH MAFI

"Alice Alexis Queensmeadow, 12, rates three things most important: Mother, who wouldn’t miss her; magic and color, which seem to elude her; and Father, who always loved her. Father disappeared from Ferenwood with only a ruler, almost three years ago. But she will have to travel through the mythical, dangerous land of Furthermore, where down can be up, paper is alive, and left can be both right and very, very wrong. Her only companion is Oliver whose own magic is based in lies and deceit. Alice must first find herself—and hold fast to the magic of love in the face of loss." "Red was ruby, green was fluorescent, yellow was simply incandescent. Color was life. Color was everything. Color, you see, was the universal sign of magic." "Love, it turned out, could both hurt and heal." "Narrow-mindedness will only get you as far as Nowhere, and once you're there, you're lost forever.” "Alice was an odd girl, even for Ferenwood, where the sun occasionally rained and the colors were brighter than usual and magic was as common as a frowning parent." "Making magic is far more interesting than making sense." So I actually read this book a few months ago and then recently reread it via audio so I could remember all the details for this review. I was first introduced to Tahereh Mafi’s work through her book Shatter Me, her debut novel. Ironically, it wasn’t through any of the ways I normally hear about books - Booktube, Goodreads, my best friend, Booklr - but from my husband’s aunt. She runs - or used to run, not sure if she’s still doing it - a book review blog. And she posted a review of Shatter Me and I was like, “What a weird, interesting writing style, lemme check this out.” At this point the entire Shatter Me Trilogy plus novellas had been published and I devoured all of them (still need to review those, too). So when I heard Tahereh Mafi was writing a middle grade book, I got super excited! Especially because this was during a time when I was too stressed out to read any YA, since most of the YA I like involves having to save the world and all the stress that entails. I need to lay out some trigger warnings real quick: the main character, Alice? Her mom is incredibly abusive, both emotionally and physically. It’s treated as not such a big deal in the book, which is honestly the story’s only real flaw, but it’s bad. It took me seven tries and resorting to an audiobook (and even with a fantastic narrator, that short audiobook took me almost a month to get through) because the abuse was so bad. So:

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS BOOK CONTAINS EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE OF A CHILD BY THEIR PARENT

Let’s get started, yo! First of all, the setting. OMG. See, I love tthis thing called Victorian fairy tales, which is something you can find in books like Mary Poppins - these super fantastical bits of whimsy that just warm your heart and make you grin because they’re so creative and fun. In the Mary Poppins books, you can jump into chalk drawings and go to a circus amidst the stars and make friends with a woman who sells living candy-cane horses. In Catherynne Valente’s Fairyland series, there are shadow balls and talking phonographs. And in Furthermore, there’s light raining down from the sky in literal drops, sticks of magic you use like money, and forests full of invisible berries. The way the world is put together and described, so full of color and imagination, is awesome and beautiful and I could picture it perfectly. It reminded me in all the best ways of books like The Phantom Tollbooth (one of my favorites). But I wouldn’t want to live there, because Ferenwood is full of colorism and ick. Alice, the female lead, is an albino in a world where color is important and the darker you are, the more magical you’re considered to be. So Alice gets treated like garbage.

Also I think Alice may be autistic, but I don’t know if she’s deliberately coded autistic or if Tahereh Mafi did it by accident while trying to make Alice eccentric, but she comes across as autistic. I’ve actually begun to pay more attention to that sort of the thing in recent years, being autistic myself, and I see it a lot - authors giving their characters autistic characteristics, often without meaning to. I just touch on it here because Alice is already treated badly for being albino, but she’s also considered a freak because of the way she behaves - like an autistic preteen. And I wonder if Tahereh Mafi did that on purpose as a sort of commentary or not, because while Alice is treated badly by the people of Ferenwood for her behavior, the Narrator (who is an actual character in the story; love when that happens) always sides with Alice in this regard. The storyline is sweet and I love it. Alice tries to compete in the magical testing all the preteens do on their twelfth birthday, and so she dances. And her dancing is magical but it’s not Magical, you know? So she fails the test. Well, turns out a boy who passed the test the year before, Oliver (the brat), needs Alice’s help fulfilling a quest - rescuing Alice’s missing dad. So they go on a quest together, although Alice hates Oliver (and rightly so, he’s rude). They go to a dozen different and cool places, all of which are dangerous and all of which are different. I wish we could’ve spent more time in those places but I understand why we didn’t. The only annoying thing is there’s an origami fox on the cover but it only pops up in one of the worlds for like two pages and then it’s gone and I thought we could spend more time both in that world and with that creature since it ended up on the cover. But alas, not. I understand why - middle grade is often cursed to be short, especially if it’s the author’s first MG novel ever. Once you get big and bad like Rick Riordan you can start tossing out gihugic tomes like Son of Neptune or Blood of Olympus on the regular. Oliver’s reason for needing Alice was one I didn’t see coming, nor was her magical talent - a talent they hint at throughout the book but never explain until near the end, at the perfect moment. I thought it was an interesting commentary on how young girls perceive themselves, that Alice hates this marvelous, amazing talent she has of bringing color into the world from nothing...because she can’t use it to change how she looks. Society has trained her already, by the age of twelve, to discount something incredible about herself because she can’t use it to make herself into what society wants her to be. That’s pretty impressive for a book this short. I loved some of the more deliberate messages in the work - the thing I mentioned about society’s pressures on young girls, and also that it’s okay to tell boys to screw off if they’re mean to you, and to have hope and to look for second chances (Alice thinks she only has one chance to pass the test and believes her life is over when she fails, only to find out she can try again the next year). I love all of that, and the lyrical and whimsical quality of the prose, and the world building is so creative and also makes me a bit hungry (people eat magic in this book, among other things; I wonder what it tastes like). Now...let’s talk about the abuse. That’s my biggest issue with the book. Alice’s mother is a total bitch. And not in a cool, kickass way like the lady in the show Empire. She’s vicious, she’s cruel, and she’s abusive. Alice knows - and the Narrator confirms - that she turned bad when her husband went missing, and apparently the worry for him and the strain of raising four kids on her own is making her hard and sad, but I don’t give a shit. I was hoping Tahereh Mafi would’ve gone all Hansel and Gretel on this lady and when Alice comes home with her dad, the wife’s dead or something. She beats Alice (at one point she beat Alice for chasing a boy out of the place where she was sleeping, even though he kept staring at her in her sleeping clothes, because apparently the boy - Oliver - had the right to break into their barn at 3AM and ogle Alice???), she verbally abuses Alice, she sends her to bed regularly without dinner, is constantly criticizing, won’t hug her or kiss her, and - this one really got me, for some reason - forces her to do illegal things. Those invisible berries I mentioned? Alice can find them and bring back whole baskets because of her magical gift, and so her mom sends her out to pick them all the time. If she brings home enough, her mom smiles. If she doesn’t, her mom yells and calls her names and sometimes beats her. Guess what? Picking those berries is illegal. We don’t find this out until much later in the book, but it is. The thing I didn’t like about the berries is that Oliver, who’s thirteen, is less concerned about Alice’s mother beating her for not picking enough contraband berries and instead focuses on how her ability to find the berries in the first place means Alice has really impressive magic. NOBODY seems to care how much Alice is being abused, not even the Narrator. The Narrator sympathizes with Alice’s hurt feelings and despair over her missing Father, but it’s never objectively stated that her mom is abusing her AND SHE IS. Yeah, her mom is sooo glad to have her back after Alice almost dies on her trip with Oliver, but so what? My roommate’s mom is so abusive that my roommate’s clergy leaders, doctors, and psychological therapist all said my roommate needed to cut ties with said mom, even though my roommate’s mom has also exhibited the same kind of “oh baby I’m so sorry, I love you so much” bullshit. That’s what abusers do. So I hate Alice’s mom. She literally makes her daughter feel like if she doesn’t risk her life numerous times AND bring her father back, there is no chance her mother will ever love her. And if she pulls that stuff off (which she does), then MAYBE her mother will love her. Nuh-uh. Nope. Hate that bitch. Other than that, I really loved this book. The characters felt real (Alice is me, but without my anger), Even the ones I didn’t like were still REAL, and well-drawn. The world building and word choice is fantastic. Basically, if you can get past the evil mom, read this book. World Building: 1 star Realism: 1 star Word Choice: 1 star Plot: 1 star Characterization: 1 star - ¼ star because Oliver Newbanks is an obnoxious little creep - 1 star because the mom is AN ABUSIVE EVIL BITCH - ¼ star because NOBODY DOES ANYTHING ABOUT THAT +½ star because Alice is amazing and has a genius brain and I love her Total score: 4/5 stars Would I Buy It: Yes! I own it and loved it enough I got the sequel for Christmas (in...2017...I've been sitting on this review for months...)! Would I Recommend: yes, but with trigger warnings. Again, highly abusive evil bitch mom who somehow doesn’t die.

#books of 2018 #book review #aesthetic #Furthermore #Tahereh Mafi

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abovethesmokestacks · 8 years

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Oh, How We’ve Grown (4/4)

Title: Oh, How We’ve Grown Pairing: Bucky x Reader Rating: General Audiences Word count: 2.6k (oops?) Warnings: nostalgia galore Spoilers: None

Here we are, end of the line. Again. I can’t even begin to thank you all for indulging me in this plot bunny, for all the kind words and encouragements. Just like with the final part of Chasing Promises, this one kinda got away from me. It’s twice as long as any of the previous chapters, so I hope it makes up for this being the end. You are the best.

And I'm on my way, I still remember these old country lanes When we did not know the answers And I miss the way You make me feel, it's real

Life never works out the way you plan. For all your years spent studying, you end up in a career almost opposite of what you have a degree in. It's not necessarily bad. It affords you a roof over your head, food in your fridge, material comforts in moderation. It's not exactly something that lights your heart on fire with passion in the morning, but it's safe. Convenient.

You're in your mid-twenties when once again you're summoned back home. It's your first time back in a couple of years, having fielded holidays spent there. You've dutifully showed up at the ones hosted by Clint and his family, but going back hasn't really worked out, and you're not sure why. It's not bad memories. In the grand scheme of things, you had a happy childhood. Maybe it's the echoes of happy memories, of laughter shared that makes the heartache too taxing to come home to.

Still, it's necessary. Your parents are leaving suburbia, the house much too large for their aging bodies. Clint and his family live too far away to visit outside holidays. You don't have a family of your own, and your mother has all but given up on asking you when you'll find someone to settle down with. The house is going up for sale, and you and your brother have been summoned home to wrap up your childhoods and neatly place them in boxes as if cardboard could contain them. Returning home has your stomach in knots as you speed down the roads leading into the belly of the beast. Suburbia is forever.

And yet nothing is the same when you get there.

The street is quiet when you pull up, new names adorning some of the houses that used to belong to your friends and their families. You spend that first night in your old room, for the first time realizing that you could see past the thicket and across the fields. There, in the distance, a smudge that has your heart in your throat, but the castle's no longer a castle, just a bunch of rocks.

You try to go to bed early, telling yourself that you're gonna need it, but sleep evades you, and when you look out the window again at 1 am, you see the outline of someone moving towards the rocks, the soft beam of a flashlight illuminating the path before them. You squint your eyes, but can't make out anything aside from a guess that it's a man. Maybe Clint's snuck out and you didn’t hear it. Wouldn't be the first time. You smile as you remember that one time where Natasha suddenly turned up outside your window, suspended upside down from a rope, cursing your brother for not knowing left from right.

The lone figure pulls at your heart, awakens that sense of adventure that's long lain dormant. Before you know it, you're dressed and sneaking down the stairs, still knowing exactly how to tread to avoid creaking. The hedge is both smaller and a lot trickier to get through, hair snagging on branches and brambles, but you finally emerge and despite so many things having changed, that sensation of entering a different realm still remains. It's with an evergrowing sense of nostalgia, of sense memory kicking in, that you follow the path up to the castle, only to stop dead in your tracks when you see the man perched on top of the largest rock.

Because it isn't Clint.

”Bucky?”

He visibly jerks at the sound of your voice, but his face refuses to betray it when he turns to you. His eyebrows knit together for a moment before realization floods his eyes and he breaks into a smile.

”Barton junior.”

You scrunch up your face. ”Seriously? I mean, it's better than Baby Barton, but really? Would it kill you to call me by my name.”

Something about your quip makes his smile fade, settling into an indifferent line.

”Heard you were coming back. Folks selling the house, right?” he says, taking a swig from a bottle he's kept by his right side.

”Yeah. Feels strange,” you reply, inching closer to him. ”Can I join you?”

Bucky shrugs, but shuffles to the side to allow you space next to him. It takes a few attempts, and a helping hand from Bucky, to get you up. It leaves you snickering, because you're sure these rocks were not this difficult to climb when you were younger.

”Didn't expect company, otherwise, I'd've brought another one,” Bucky says, scraping absentmindedly at the label on the beer bottle.

He's different, not that you'd expected him to be the same. Still, it's vastly different. The others, the ones you've seen or heard from in recent years, they've all retained some of the traits you remember them for. Clint will always be an annoying big brother. Sam still has his charm, Steve a strong sense of duty. Natasha could probably still scare the living crap out of you, and Tony has proven his worth at several tech fairs. But Bucky, something has shifted in him, taken him away from the sweet boy who stayed by your side when you broke your leg, who held your hand and led you home in the darkness, who kissed you sweetly on the cheek and then disappeared into the world.

You gently pull the bottle from him, taking a swig and instantly remembering why you hate beer. Still, you swallow it down with minimal cringing before cracking a smile.

”Don't you remember? I never got my own drink, I just stole from you guys.”

That draws a snort from him as he takes the bottle and tips it back to take another swig.

”That was one of the best nights of my life,” he offers, looking out toward the horizon. ”Last time I was really happy.”

The confession stings at you, because what must have happened for that night to be his last happy memory?

”Steve said you joined the military.”

Bucky nods, but doesn't elaborate, and the realization why he blanched at your initial jibe hits you. Why the fuck would you word it like that?

”Home on leave?” you prod carefully, taking in his silhouette.

His hair is short, a bit tousled maybe, but pushed back into a messy coif of chestnut brown. There are muscles bulging under his thin henley and the stressed denim jeans; he's not as massive as Steve when last you saw him, but enough to fill out his clothes in a way that, yeah, is easy on the eyes.

”Honorably discharged,” comes the clipped answer, followed by a slow exhale. ”Sergeant James Barnes.”

”I'm glad you're home,” you offer, not sure what else to say.

”I'm not,” Bucky bites out, and suddenly, the words flow from him. ”Too many tours to count, and by the end of it, I wasn't even sure what I was doing there anymore. Got out last year and had to move back home, couldn't stay anywhere else. My sister's out conquering the world, and I'm stuck here because too much noise freaks me out.” His voice trembles at the last part, and he lets his eyes fall closed, clenching and unclenching his left fist.

”If it's any consolation, I didn't want to come home either.”

Bucky looks genuinely surprised when he opens his eyes again and fixes his gaze on you. ”Really?”

”It's... weird. This place, I remember it so differently and coming back would mean having to face the fact that nothing will be as it was and... and I didn't think I'd see any of you. Well, except for Clint. I didn't want to face that we... I dunno... changed.”

”What's Clint doing? He was in some sport program at college, right?”

You nod affirmatively before answering. ”Got hit by the economy. Not hard, just... He ended up managing a store. Sells sports clothes. Got a wife and two kids.”

”Steve's got two kids, too,” Bucky supplies, smirking when he sees your eyebrows rise. ”His wife died a few years back. Long-term illness.”

”What about the others? Last I heard, Tony was married.”

”Yeah. Still is. To wife number two. I think they're happy. Natasha's somewhere on the westcoast. Probably killing people with a stare and making an assload of money, you know her. Sharp as a tack. I've talked to Sam a bit after... after I got back. Works at the VA, helped me move. Kinda knew what I was going through.”

”Sam? Sam Wilson?”

”His brother died, did you know that?”

You'd been vaguely aware growing up that Sam had an older brother, Riley. He was five years older, and never hung out with your group. Even so, the announcement comes as a shock.

”Military man, too. Came back from his first tour right after Sam graduated, didn't handle the shift to civvie real well. He... he OD'd. Sam found him, kinda lost his way for a little while.”

Your heart breaks, and you think back to Sam the time he ended up in your order line. Happy, drunk Sam, flitting around the room, puking out a window. Had this just happened then?

”He's doing okay. Straightened out eventually, got involved with the VA. He's a good man.”

”And what about you? You doing okay?”

He looks at you, appraising you, deciding the level of truth he can hit you with. The lines in his face eventually soften, perhaps recognizing a kindred spirit as he brings up his hand to gently caress your cheek. The soft touch makes you shudder, distant memories of longing for a moment like this clawing their way to the surface.

”I'm getting by. Barely, but I'm trying. I've still got this place, right?” He motions to your little fortress, the fields that hold a magic able to suspend reality.

”Yeah,” you breathe, pulling at your cardigan. ”Yeah, you do.”

The two of you sit quietly, unaffected by the slight chill in the air. At some point, you doze off, sleeping through dreamless darkness leaned up against Bucky for a good thirty minutes, waking up as the sky slowly starts to darken towards the western horizon. The sun is a mere sliver at the very edge, hanging on desperately. You're too tired, head still too sluggish to even feel embarrassed about it.

”Evenin',” Bucky greets you, and finally you see part of him as he used to be in the soft smile that graces his lips. ”Saved you this.”

You blink a couple of times before you find focus on the beer bottle, a half inch of liquid still at the bottom of it. Maybe once, you would have emptied it, but now you only punch him lightly in the arm, grabbing the bottle and holding it to your chest as if it's a treasured keepsake.

”Hey,” you mumble, trying to blink away the lingering sleepiness. ”You said last time you were happy it was here. The night the cops came.”

”Yeah, so?”

”That was my first time drunk,” you muse, giggling at the memory. ”Why is it your last happy memory?”

Bucky ponders the question for a while, his eyes roving the field and the sharp colours of the sky that steadily bleed into the darkness. You begin to regret asking, fearing you've overstepped your boundaries.

”Because we were all here. We were all still kids. There was adventure and...”

”And what?”

”I kissed you.”

Objectively, you know it happened. You were there, you've lived in the memory of it since. People tend to remember their first kiss, but for as much as you claim it as your first, you never really thought Bucky would remember it. It wasn't a kiss on the lips, you weren't together, and yet that evening, that moment has stayed in his mind; his last happy moment.

Bucky lets out a shaky laugh. ”I was so nervous. Steve kept teasing me, told me to just go ahead and do it, even if it was gonna get me killed. I was... not really embarrassed, but, you know, hesitant...”

”Hesitant?” you parroted, staring him down because the words coming out of his mouth don't seem to translate correctly in your mind.

”No, shit, I mean- You were my friend's little sister. We grew up, and then you were there, and you weren't a little kid. Well, you were, kinda, and that was another thing. I couldn't- I wanted to kiss you, really kiss you. Clint would have had my head, you have no idea how protective that guy is of you.”

”I don't need him to fight my fights for me,” you pointed out sourly.

”I know. Look at you,” He finally meets your gaze, motioning to your form and you pulls your knees up against you, ”you got out of this hellhole mostly unscathed. Just trust me when I say I wish that kiss could have been more. It was the best I could do, and it was the best I ever got.”

There is a sense of nostalgia as he breathes out the last part, not looking at you, but out towards the open sky. Something stirs in your heart, a small part you were sure had been extinguished or at the very least resolved. It's that small glimmer of longing that flickers to life with sense memory of his lips against your cheek, the shadow of a younger version of yourself, hoping against hope that there could be more.

”It doesn't have to be.”

For a moment, you think Bucky hasn't heard you. He's still got his eyes trained on the fading sun, and it's only when you lean forward that you see his eyebrows are knit together, the right side of his lower lip caught between his teeth. Maybe you're not the only one stunned by something said. You're about to repeat his name, lips already pressed together to pronounce it when he finally turns, scans your face and quickly dips forward to kiss you, really kiss you. It's a kiss you have waited for since 15, a kiss you finally realize you can't anticipate, can't prepare for, because it's magical. It's magical like the suspension of time soaring through the air when you were six, it's magical like this place that seems to exist both beyond reality and smack dab in the middle of it. It's magical because life slots into place with the soft undulation of lips against lips.

You kiss like it's the end of the world, you kiss like it's the very beginning of it. Bucky lets out a breath through his nose, the warmth of it fanning softly across your face. Arms come up to wrap around your shoulders, angling you more toward him and you melt, knees going lax and sinking downwards until they dangle over the edge of the rock once again. Gradually, the kiss becomes sweet pecks becomes foreheads resting against one another becomes a hug tucked tightly against the crooks of the other's neck.

If there was a chill in the air of the impending night, you don't feel it. Bucky's body is warm against yours, his hands splayed over your back, holding you to him. You nuzzle into him, pressing a kiss to the soft skin before remembering the bottle in your hand. Smiling, you squirm out of his grip to hold the bottle out, tipping it upside down and letting the stale beer water the grass beneath you.

”To getting by,” you smile, and this time, your instincts serve you right.

Your eyes flutter close and Bucky's lips meet yours again in a kiss that promises to last a lifetime.

And I miss the way You make me feel, and it's real We watched the sunset over the castle on the hill

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themoneybuff-blog · 6 years

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Questions About Crowdlending, Prayer, Christmas Trees, Chess, Beans, and More!

Whats inside? Here are the questions answered in todays reader mailbag, boiled down to summaries of five or fewer words. Click on the number to jump straight down to the question. 1. Investing for childs future 2. Crowdlending investments 3. Shorter workweek thoughts? 4. Struggling to improve at work 5. Last minute holiday gifts 6. Praying for financial help? 7. Child care suggestions 8. Christmas tree suggestions 9. Learning chess for cheap 10. Keeping beans fresh 11. 401(k) help 12. I never want to retire I get two or three requests a week from a reader asking to reprint an article Ive written for some purpose. So, heres my policy on that. If you wish to reprint an article of mine for a print publication or an email newsletter, not a website, you have permission to do so provided that you attribute the article to Trent Hamm at The Simple Dollar and include the URL of the site, http://www.thesimpledollar.com/. If you are interested in a reprint on a website, ask me first. Make sure that the article was actually written by Trent first, however, by visiting that article on the website and verifying that Trent was the writer of that specific article. Some portion of articles that appear on the site were written by other writers and youll need to ask them individually for permission. On with the questions. Q1: Investing for childs future I have a young kid (6 years old) and Id like to invest a little bit for him in a set and forget fashion. I realize Im pretty lucky to be living in an expensive place (Seattle, WA) while being able to max out my 401k, my Roth IRA and my wifes IRA. We dont have any loans, pay off out credit card monthly and just have a home mortgage with low interest. I am still able to put a little bit of money regularly on a brokerage account and a 529 for my son (although I dont want to put too much for a few of reasons: I dont know if hell go to college here (expensive) or in France where Im from (cheap), I value community college highly and dont necessarily aim for him to go to ivy league schools and finally I dont believe in taking at my charge all his higher education expense. My only downfall here is that I feel a bit behind on retirement because I moved to the US AT 26 for a temp job that became permanent at 32 and only understood 401k since I was 34. Im been maxing out ever since. I definitely have the saving mentality that we find Europeans! In essence, we live on about 40% off a single about 110k/year (my wife works for a non profit and brings an income that pretty much only pays for her laptop, cell phone, car gas and child care once in a while for us to go on a date). With that in mind, what could be our next smart moves (I feel that is not often addressed for people that are able to to reach all the conventional goals we see out there but dont fit in the high income category where advance money placement and tax schemes can be beneficial). So my questions are two folds: what is the next smart move for us (just keep investing in the Vanguard Total Market Index Fund?) what can I do to invest long term for my son? I was hoping for an IRA but he is not earning income. Is the anything else? Bob First of all, a 529 might still be useful for you even if your child goes to school in France, provided that hes attending a college or university thats eligible for Title IV student aid. There are hundreds of overseas universities and colleges that are, so youll have to research the ones hes considering. If youre not strictly saving for education for your son, however, your best bet is probably what youve already stumbled on gifting your child a certain amount each year below the gift tax exclusion limit ($14,000 a year) and then investing that money in a taxable account in your childs name while again gifting your child enough to pay any taxes on dividend income. This is of course assuming that your child is not earning an income of some kind via modeling or acting or something akin to that. For us, our savings for our childrens future is strictly in the 529 plans. Once they move out and go to school, their 529 plans are our financial support for their education. We hope to have enough in each account to cover in-state tuition for a few years at a state university (like Iowa State U or University of Iowa), though they can make other choices in terms of where to go to school should they wish too. Q2: Crowdlending investments What do you think about crowdlending investments? Carly Crowdlending refers to any program in which individuals can lend money to other individuals or businesses, supplying the capital for the loan and earning a return on that money in the form of the borrowers interest paid on that loan. Typically, many people provide small amounts to make up the capital for that loan for example, someone might want to borrow $10,000 and that loan is made up of 100 people lending $100 each. A number of businesses exist to help facilitate this, such as Lending Club and Prosper. It really comes down to the riskiness of the borrower. Someone with a high rating as a borrower represents pretty little risk and youll almost always get your money back and more. A high risk loan might net you a very nice return, but you have a real risk of losing your balance. In general, I would not invest money I needed going forward in a crowdlending investment. Its a good place to put money that you dont need if youre seeking a nice short term return on it and youre willing to pay a lot of attention and take on some significant risk. Remember, if someone defaults on a crowdlending loan, that means youve probably lost most (if not all) of what youve invested. Q3: Shorter workweek thoughts? What do you think about this article that argues that people 40 and over work better if their workweek is shorter? It matches my own experience. This one? Jenna I frankly agree with it. Speaking from my own experience, I find that the vast majority of my work gets done during three days a week. I tend to have about three days each week when I can really slip into a writing zone, and my work on other days is often just busywork. I think this is honestly true of most information and creative jobs. For every day of really great mental performance, I think people of all ages need at least a day of rest to recharge fully. If you demand mental performance day after day, that performance is going to degrade fairly rapidly and eventually result in burnout. The trick for me is in properly preparing for a three day week and getting it reliably without interruption due to personal or family illness or some other interruption. Part of why I write for a living is the flexibility of it, which means I cant just sit down and lock down three specific days of writing each week. Often, I have to break it up more than that. Q4: Struggling to improve at work I currently work as a bank teller. Went in for a performance review in October and read your advice about asking what I need to do to get a raise or promotion. Boss was great and gave me a list of things to work on. Thing is Im always busy and rarely have the chance to work on a lot of those things. I feel like Im not making progress on any of those things and cant find time for them. Not sure what to do. Bailey The best thing you can do is find opportunities to work on those skills in the course of your regular tasks. Without knowing your regular casts and the things that your boss suggested that you work on, I cant offer specific advice on that. However, there are probably at least some of the elements on that list that you can work on while doing other tasks. If theres new material to learn, do your best to learn it when youre not at work. If there are topics youre supposed to know about, spend time when youre not working learning those things. You should also try to get into a routine of having regular scheduled one-on-ones with your supervisor just to talk over how things are going and build a stronger relationship. If youve not really communicated in any way with your boss in two months, you might want to strengthen that relationship a little. Just ask for a regularly scheduled meeting once every two weeks or once a month and go over the things on that list. This gives you a deadline to push toward a little more effort on those things, and it shows your boss youre consistently trying to work for the brass ring. Q5: Last minute holiday gifts So my mom got sick and asked if I could host family Christmas and I said okay. In the past we did a name drawing for gifts but she also got everyone something small and shes not doing that this year but I want to do it so I am looking for good ideas for last minute small holiday gifts under $5. Amy What kinds of things did she give out? At that price point, Id probably go for consumable items. Get people nice bars of chocolate or a bottle of craft beer or something like that. Youre not going to go fancy at $5, but you can find something the recipient would enjoy. Just make a list of everybody whos attending and try to identify one food or drink item each one of them would like. Theres your shopping list, and thats exactly what I would do in your shoes. Q6: Praying for financial help? I pray and pray for financial help and it never seems to come. We never make ends meet. I try to follow your advice and things always turn out badly. Jaime A simple suggestion: rather than praying for financial help, pray to have the strength and wisdom and focus to make the difficult choices needed to put you and your family on a better financial path. Dont pray for money to be dropped on your lap. Instead, pray that youll have the foresight and wisdom to not spend money on foolish things. Pray that youll feel lower stress and that youll be able to lower the stress of those around you. Pray for the creativity to make your meal budget stretch a little further. Most of us already have the financial answers we need already in our life. We just need someone (or something) to take the scales away from our eyes so that we can see those answers. That change often comes from within, not from money from outside sources. Money drops into our lap more often than we think it does what matters is how we use it. Q7: Child care suggestions Moved to new city and starting school in January. Have a three year old. Thought there would be child care support through school but all slots are full. Program will subsidize child care but everything within subsidy is kind of scary. Suggestions? Danielle I have helped Danielle many times over the last few years. For some background, she was engaged to be married but her soon-to-be husband ghosted her and she cant find him for child support. She moved in with her parents for a brief while, then found an apartment on her own. She applied for a bunch of scholarships to go back to school and then I hadnt heard from her in a while until this question popped up. She has been using many different programs to help give her kid a great life and working her tail off, so I do have some real sympathy for Danielles situation. Danielle, you absolutely need to check and see whether your state has some sort of child care assistance offered through their Department of Human Services. Given your situation, its very likely that youre eligible for some help through such a program, which is available in a lot of states. Another approach you might want to consider is whether or not you have a close friend or relative you trust who could move in with you and provide child care in exchange for free rent. Do you have a sibling or close friend who might be interested in such a situation that youd trust? Those are the two best options I have in mind, other than making sure youre on the waiting list for child care options through your school. This will get somewhat easier when your child reaches school age, as youll both be able to go to school! Q8: Christmas tree suggestions Is a real Christmas tree worth it? We usually only decorate for a few days before Christmas and the twelve days after taking things down on January 6. Used a tiny artificial tree for the last few years and were considering a real one this year. Arne It depends on how you define worth it. Real trees are messier and take more work (because you have to water them) and need to be disposed of after the holidays; artificial trees have none of that. Plus, real trees have to be replaced every year. From a purely financial standpoint, real trees arent worth it. However, real trees have an enormous aesthetic advantage. They smell wonderful. When properly cleaned up, they look better than artificial trees (in my opinion, assuming you dont buy one thats half dead). Is the work and the (eventual) extra cost worth it to you? For some people, it is. For some, it isnt. We had a real tree for a few years when I was growing up and while I appreciated it in my teen years, it wasnt life changing for me. As an adult, I probably would not have a large real tree unless my children were genuinely excited about the concept and brought it up frequently. Q9: Learning chess for cheap My five year old was taught chess by his cousin at Thanksgiving and now he wants to play chess all the time. I can fumble through the moves but he is finding stuff on his tablet about openings and stuff that I have no idea about. I want to get better at chess and also help him find things to help him get better at chess. What tools are cheap/free? Andy It really depends on your goals with this. If youre just wanting to get a bit better and assume that this is a fad thats going to burn out, Id just get an inexpensive chess app for his tablet and for your phone and just play lots of games. Most games have a feature where they suggest good moves and point out bad ones and over a lot of games, you can gradually learn from that. If you really want to start learning openings and stuff, theres almost nothing better you can do than visiting your local library that has a selection of chess books, picking out a few, and then going through them at home. My local library has a couple dozen chess books on the shelves and can reserve hundreds more via interlibrary loan. Take them home and then just try an opening during a game with your kid. Pick one that looks like fun, memorize the first three or four moves of it, and bust it out with your son. Tell him what the opening is and then see whether or not it looks like youre in good shape. I have an eight year old that loves to play chess constantly but really has zero interest in actually learning the game. If your son is into openings, play into that and use it as an opportunity to learn together. Q10: Keeping beans fresh You mentioned cooking beans early in the week and keeping them in the fridge all week to use for meals. How do you keep them fresh and not just turn to mush? Every time I do it they get mushy. Blair First of all, dont cook them quite all the way to completion. I try to aim for beans that are not quite all the way cooked, just done enough so that they wouldnt be annoying in the dish but clearly could use just a bit more cooking. Theyre really firm at this point but definitely edible. I drain them and let them slowly cool down to room temperature. This usually cooks them just a bit more so theyre pretty close to exactly what I want. I drain them and rinse them again so that theyre close to dry, then I put them in a sealed container in the fridge. I aim to use them within four or five days. Most of the time, I add these beans late to something else Im cooking, like a soup. If Im using them in a salad or something, I might cook them just a bit more in some simple fashion, like with a bit of water in the microwave, but Ill usually just toss the beans right into the salad. This works for all kinds of beans. My personal favorite is black beans, which Ill use for pretty much anything I can get away with. Q11: 401(k) help I just signed up for my company 401(k) and there are only a few options available and none of them match up with anything you have ever mentioned. They have names like aggressive growth and moderate and safe. Alex Likely, the options you see are ones that whoever runs your 401(k) have pre-chosen for you and given friendly names that actually make it harder to figure out what they actually include. The first retirement plan I signed up for was very similar in that regard. You can ask the HR representative that deals with the plans whether or not you can pick your own funds, but its likely that you dont have such control, so you probably just have to choose one of these options. The honest truth? In a situation like this, its really hard to pick the best option for you because you dont really know whats going on underneath the options. In your shoes, if I was more than ten years from retirement, Id choose the most aggressive option available. If I was less than ten years, Id choose a moderate option. That is, assuming I couldnt see anything more about the plans than such vague descriptors. Q12: I never want to retire I dont like reading about retirement talk because I never want to retire. I love what I do (nursing) and I want to keep doing it in whatever aspect I can for as long as I can until Im shoved out the door and straight into a retirement home (or a casket). Why should I worry about retirement? Dinah Never retiring is a marvelous idea in theory, but it often doesnt quite pan out that way. Many career paths nudge people out the door when they get to a certain age, regardless of whether those people want to keep working or not, and sometimes health conditions pop up that continue to allow a mostly full life but cut off certain career paths. Another reason to save for retirement is that it opens up the possibility of a second career or a different kind of job later on. You may end up taking on a position that uses your nursing skills in a very positive way but it doesnt pay nearly as much as your current job; a retirement savings plan can help offset that loss in income. You really should save for retirement no matter what career youre in and no matter how much you love it. Its cover all your bases money, because you simply cant predict what the future holds. Got any questions? The best way to ask is to follow me on Facebook and ask questions directly there. Ill attempt to answer them in a future mailbag (which, by way of full disclosure, may also get re-posted on other websites that pick up my blog). However, I do receive many, many questions per week, so I may not necessarily be able to answer yours. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/questions-about-crowdlending-prayer-christmas-trees-chess-beans-and-more/

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

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thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings:

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours.

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess.

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant.

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it. and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold.

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks.

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves, no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example.

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel.

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit.

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

#rant time #bc i guess i need to vent out my feelings that are just annoyingly complex and i cant actually deal with them #aka i hate myself #but not like actively or aggressively #i prefer not think i exist but thats not even covered up above #just bullshit #dont read if youd like to keep your day being nice

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abcmerpaderp · 7 years

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reunited

so i locked myself out of this account awhile back, and i realize i [mostly] come here when i’m at my lowest. at first it was a good idea for me to not remember my password so i wouldn’t be able to come back here an reread my old posts & whatnot. Now that i’ve regained access and start briefly looking back at my most recent posts, i cringe and couldnt even continue to scroll down anymore.

and so why did i feel the need to come back? the last time i wrote in here wasn’t even that long ago, it was at the end of winter quarter of my junior year.now i’m near the end of my fall quarter of my senior year, still within 2017 but for some reason i felt like so much has changed and i’ve faced some of the biggest difficulties within these past few months that broke me down to the core. i feel like the strong foundation i built myself from the winter quarter of my 1st year to now is completely shattered. i’ve been in a really vulnerable place these past few months and it’s been incredibly hard for me. it’s hard for me in that i feel the need / and have the only option of supporting myself -- with my job and the position i’m in, i’m expected to be a pro at counseling, a pro at mastering and encompassing all healthy habits of self-care, self-love; with what i study, there’s nothing else i should know better than mental health; and with everyone’s perception of me as the happy, optimistic person -- all of these makes it so hard for me to seek solace in others.

and so with that, i became that same person that i started college with -- a person that kept everything to myself, because i felt embarrassed, ashamed, weak, and there’s nothing i hate more than being vulnerable and weak around so many successful, productive people.

i don’t even know where to start because these past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster and me just digging deep and writing it all out isn’t going to be as easy as i thought:

1. my backpack was stolen

-- my backpack, which had everything valuable to me -- my laptop, my wallet, etc. was stolen during my second-to-last, yet most successful, thousand dollar event that i hosted and worked sleeplessly on. i was scared because all my shit was stolen, but i was also sad because my laptop, which costed my $780 (covered by a scholarship) had a lot of memories on it that i didn’t upload to an external source. now, this sounds toxic and unhealthy, but i’m a person that keeps all memory keep-sake things, even if some of them were related to past relationships/friendships. so, in that laptop, i had a lot of pictures from a brief, happy yet toxic period that i had with someone who’s important to me. i never uploaded the pictures onto any social media, and i never thought to use google photos, and now all those pictures/memories from those 4 months are gone. i think about it in that it’s a good thing because it was such a toxic period and i deserved better, but i woud still like to have those pictures with me. second point, my mom’s fortune teller knows this very well about me, but i’m a person that stresses day & night over finances. i’ve called my mom crying about the stress of college, LA, etc so much over these past 4 years. trust me, i know i’m lucky than others because essentially, in the end, i am and have had the opportunity to be in LA for the past 4 years, but there’s been a lot of emotional baggage/ guilt that i’ve felt knowing that my parents do everything [which may include lying] to give me the ease of being here -- every year, my dad would tell me about all the new cars that come out and asks me if i needed a car yet and that he’s been having enough/been prepared to get me a car and that i shouldnt worry about anything; he would ask me if i needed more money to spend, and if i did, he was just a few phone calls away; he would tell me that if i ever missed home, to just buy a plane ticket home regardless of the price. however, my parents know i’m hardheaded and they know that i refuse to use their money and all the money i’ve been using these past 4 years have been my own. it wasn’t until my laptop was gone that i had to ask my parents for help. everyone told me “just get a macbook, it’s worth it” yadiyaya, but bruh, if i could afford a macbook for the beginning of college, i probably would. i woul get a macbook in a heartbeat. when i hd to buy my second laptop, i bought a PC first because it was cheaper, and after my parents spent hours lecturing me, telling me to stop being cheap and stingy and hardheaded, that they said they would “lend” me money to just buy the most up-to-date apple laptop (of course, i didnt cus that shit is 1k+) idk, this is hard to explain in words but there was a lot of pain in the fact that i had to buy a new laptop because i was basically wasting 1000 that was unnecessary and stupid. it just broke my heart and it’s unfair because i’ve never never never stolen anyting from anyone; i’ve never stolen anything from a store, and i dont know what the fuck i did to deserve getting my backpack stolen. it just breaks my heart because im a firm believer of karma and as much as i do have anger for people, i never wish the worst for people. alot of things also spiraled from my backpack getting stolen. i lost my passport even though i was leaving the country in 6 weeks and bitch i needed my passport. so my passport was another $200 that i had to drop and a lot of traeling to the passport agency to have to deal with. idk there was a lot of bullshit tied to my backpack getting stolen and i was just at my lowest point and ready to go home for that quarter.

2. my grandpa passed away. and oh my god, i honestly don’t even know if i can write about this. yes, i know, people pass away -- it’s a part of life. but for me, it was just incredibly incredibly difficult and all the memories from that week were so vivid -- i was full of fear, sadness, regret, shame. it’s very hard for me to go into detail right now because it’s still very sensitive to me, but i just want to say i’m really grateful for my grandpa and all the things that he did for me when i was younger. he took care of me while my parents were at work, him and my grandma would take me to the bus to school. my grandpa knew no english what so ever, yet he bought me a fisher-price toy that had the alphabet, and i would press on each letter and it would tell me the letter and a word example for that letter; he bought me paper and pens to let me draw and practice my abcs; he bought AND MADE toys for me because my mom didn’t believe in buying us toys; and i never realized how important and relevant it is until now, but he was a preacher, he was a narrator, and he always, always talked about his history, his stories about Vietnam, and how how how important it was for kids to know history and for kids to go on with education. and look where i am, from high school to now, i’ve always been involved in SEA stuff and i never realized how much my grandpa played into that. and now, i teach others of the importance of knowing our parents/grandparents histories and teaching others how education for us allows us to uplift our community. there’s a lot more i have to say but him passing away was hard and continues to still be really, really hard for me. i cried probably every week in japan, and on his 30th day, i did praers in japan, i called my mom crying tell her what to tell him, i told jimmy what to tell him for me. i wished i could have been there for him, and i’m really really angry at myself that i couldn’t. and even when i couldnt be there for him, he still visited me while i was in japan. he told me even when i’m incredibly stressed, he told me that everything will be okay and that i’ll be able to get through it. i couldnt be there for him when he needed support the most, yet he’s still able to be loving and supportive enough to reassure me. gong gong, i’ll always hold my childhood memories with you deep and close to my heart.

3. a slap into reality -- me thinking i’ve been the best version of myself, the good and supportive friend to all my friends only to realize i’ve been nothing but full of myself and my own illusions; me realizing the terrible person that i actually have been and my lack of awareness and sensitivity to those around me. how tf am i a counselor if i can’t even be there for my friends? me wanting to be there for everyone, while also being scared to reach out and ask the hard questions or even taking the first step. this further led me to being more disappointed in myself -- not being there for my grandpa, not being there for my friends -- how can i say i want to help/support others when i’m the biggest culprit in hurting those around me?

4. and then there’s me, being vulnerable, and letting others care for me only to realize that i should have never let anyone care for me in that sense to begin with; i’m better off carrying my own emotional baggage than letting someone know my emotional baggage, then disappearing and realizing that my baggage with them was just dumped into the dumpster. please do not let me open up to you, do not let me tell you about my insecurities, do not allow me to trust you, do not allow me to cry to you, do not let me do/share my happy things/activities with you if you’re not going to be in my life for the long run. (this has always been a problem for me, and i know ive been trying to work on it but it’s so hard) but one of my biggest flaws?? idek what to call it -- but one of my biggest things is that i don’t let myself be loved; i dont let others care for me or show me any affection. sure, maybe a piece of that has to do with the fact that i feel undeserving of love (i know, i know, i need to love myself and realize my worth yadiaya, but it ain’t easy) but it’s also because if i let you into my life, i’d do my best and exert all my energy to support you, make you happy, etc (even though, going back to point #3, i’m clearly not good at it). i put so much work into building a wall between me and the world, so please don’t make me tear down years of hard work for something/someone that is just only temporary. and if i start opening up to you, and you start seeing the emotional wreck that is my life (yeah i’m a wreck to others, but to mself, i’m a work in progress so w/e) and you can’t handle this beautiful mess, then just walk out as soon as possible. do not stay because you feel sorry or you feel the need to help me, because trust me, you’re only making things worse. i open up to others and let others in on the wreck of my life not because i expect others to fix me or help me, but to just have someone on the sidelines to cheer me on and be like girl, you is doing good making progress making a beautful work of art etc. it’s like how i love to support people at their dance competitions/sports games/drama or music performances because i know they worked hard on what they’re passionate about, and at the end of all their hardwork, they want to share with others the beautiful artwork that they’ve worked so hard on. i dont got no talents (lmao) but something i’m struggliing with but still am working on is myself -- and you know at the end of the day, at each tiny milestone that i reach, it’s nice to know people are in the audience cheering me on or taking me out on breaks to rejuvenate myself so i dont overwork myself. so all in all, dont come into my life if youre not gonna stay for the long run. it’s too much energy on my part to break down my walls for others. but you know what, it’s okay because i’m getting better at goodbyes *cue Sam Smith -- Too Good at Goodbyes* <-- you dont know how many times i’ve listened to this && have cried to this bc it’s so good.

I know you're thinking I'm heartless I know you're thinking I'm cold I'm just protecting my innocence I'm just protecting my soul

I'm never gonna let you close to me Even though you mean the most to me 'Cause every time I open up, it hurts So I'm never gonna get too close to you Even when I mean the most to you In case you go and leave me in the dirt

I'm way too good at goodbyes

also, because of all of this, i don’t let anyone, not even my roommates or my closest friends, show any sort of affection/care/love towards me. period. those who are close to me know that i don’t like/do hugs, but it’s gotten worse after this. hugs trigger me. hugs are deceiving. they can feel so real and warm but leave you so cold the next moment. i shiver / sweat when people hug me because it reminds me of the times i get close to people and had to relearn time and time again that i’m not one to get affectiontely close to others. there were two instances where i was really out of it/sad and my roommate hugged me. at the moment of the hug, i felt nothing, but as soon as he let go, i went down this spiral and just started crying omgg; and then a second time with my other roommate, she hugged me so warmly, and i pushed her off and said “no, hugs trigger me please don’t” and i walked out of the room (lol). but i can’t explain this people so i gotta forcibly do the world’s most awkward hugs to everyone around me. but if i’m really close with you, i’ll hold your elbow -- thats my way of showing others im grateful for you in forms other than a hug.

wow who knew writing could relieve so much. here’s to my roommates for giving me space and not questining me while im crying and typing on the sofa at 4 am. but here’s to hopefully being one step closer in getting over these rough mountains.

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itain · 7 years

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long.. complaint post essentially

id say rant but its less anger than just.. despair i guess

oh god i feel at this moment.... very hopeless

ive just kinda been frozen since i got home,,, talked some, ate dinner, etc... but there is so much i need to get done but i {feel i} cant do until i finish one thing in particular...... like so many rows stacked up in tetris that all get cleared with the one block that fits them all... i mean perhaps nobody thinks its that big a deal,,, idk......... i just feel like i cant breath... literally it feels like my chest is a bit tight just thinking of all this shit stressing me... like once i finally get one thing done turns out its not done and i had 10 more things to do as well... i feel that in the time it takes for me to take one step, i’m pushed back like 20 paces....

you know when you have so much stressing you that you play games or just fucking fill your mind with static to pretend nothing is wrong?? you waste time having fun while the stress just looms next to you all day every day?? thats like my usual state of being.... and here is the other end.. where things come crashing down, and im panicking, and im frozen because i can never solve things, i have to find an order in the chaos, and at this point everything immidiately turns negative and i wonder why im even alive rn... i like that ive written this much and still remained so vague.......... SIGH

uh lets see i mean its mostly all just financial shit

the biggest block rn is the fucking gym... gee am i getting so damn sick of this shit.... i am ready to sccream over this fucking gym...... ive been trying to quit almost since ive started... i FINALLY send the shit i need to on time..... and they didnt do it???? so i need to call them tomorrow asking why they havent drafted the quitting fee, and im sure theyll ask if i did the fucking secure mail where i get notified when they recieve it, and no i didnt bc i dont have money, and they will come up with some bullshit excuse reason why i cant quit still, and at that point ill want to scream and cry, i fucking wish that could solve my problem??? why cant i be like my dad who yells at the customer service people on the phone till they solve everything for free???? why cant i ask that of him now?? thoughts like these... who let me be an adult, how will i not get fucked out of shit because im a fucking pushover who just wants to please everyone and be polite.....

then lets see.......... the student loans..... the big issue with this... i mean 50 bucks a month starting in october... i mean we will fucking see if i have the money... considering im already drowning now, i fucking doubt, but my biggest concern is the logistics... what amount am i paying back? how do i know that its set up to draft out of my account??? questions i dont want to ask anyone because i’ll feel like a fucking idiot and i’ll just cry about it instead pls.... so i’ll just rot till october tyvm...

and what else... my biggest fear is the combination of these two, that i cant quit the gym and im paying like 75 fucking bucks a month for two things that have made my life nothing but hell...

but i think the other biggest stressor is the small shit adding up rn... for like 2+ months (i havent really counted but i know its been a long time now) my phone isnt working without a charger.... and to even get it replaced for a working model is like 75 bucks.. id buy some shit phone but thats 20 bucks that can be spent towards surviving... like, see above bills.... oh and id switch to an old phone of mine to even ask if thats possible would fucking cost money bc metro pcs wont answer shit without seeing money first ugh.. its made all communication and leisure time way more difficult as im chained to the wall and only a few short times a day for either.... so setting aside that, ill just fucking pray for that for christmas orz the other “small shit”...... oil needs to be changed on the car,,, means i have to find some time to buy oil, figure out what fucking oil to buy, where to buuy, if i have the money, etc... communicate with coworker friend and get a day we both have off so her friend?? can change my oil for me for free, bless.... but thats not even possible till i get back from my vacation.... so a week or two..... then we have the registration sticker that needs to be updated before september,,,, 80 to 85 bucks my dad said... that obv cant be updated with a code on my car so again, it has to wait a couple weeks... even driving with a code on my car gives me such anxiety...

so moving on to.... i guess the tiny shit that isnt as big problems but only have become such because im mega stressed..... thought i had finished the laundry... found another bag orz... apartment much more disorganized than i thought.. you know how order in the home gives a certain peace of mind.... and vise versa.... bf and i are fucking depressed and at least i want pills but that is a faraway dream rn, booking a fucking appointment, much less having $$ for a perscription????? trying to work out then losing motivation so quickly as always... but because i want to dedicate my energy towards cleaning this place... which just somehow never happens.... just never seeing a way to save money??? ive been so damn frugal and i still cant pay my bills and here i am with more bills, meanwhile my dad posting his stupid fucking bullshit on facebook about “choose happiness” like money doesnt have a fucking say in the matter.... and all the low self esteem and negative thoughts that accompany all this situation... wanting to “do something nice because ive been having a hard life/week” and then still feeling like shit, or feeling guilty for having spent anything then complaining about money...

i guess last thing i wanted to touch on..... the vacation... bfs mom takes me with them on their family vacations.... honestly i feel like the goth in the prep family? like im too much drama to make them happy.. ive been pretty open with her about my feelings towards my dad and stepmom, mostly bc she is super giving and nice and agrees with me against them.. and recently ive been more open, like about my depression even... and like... she even said she would get me a scrip... like....... i just.. this kind of thing, the vacations, the covering my half of rent, even while she doesnt have a job rn (she is rich but tighter on $$ now so) but i feel so guilty accepting it.. like if i justify it, then arent i being too greedy?? but i literally cant refuse it, or i’d be on the street right now so..... but i just feel like she owns me... if i were her daughter i think id be more okay but like... if john and i break up she put like, thousands into SOME CHICK.... i feel like in the far future i’ll need to write her a check too;; i told bf i wasnt rly feeling the vacation... of course because of the neverending drama surrounding me (yeah yeah im not saying drama is drawn to me, yeah i create it okay) this will just kinda strain more the relationship and they’ll all think i have some issue with them or smth that i gotta ruin every family trip... so i’ll just go.. but like... self esteem is out the window, so i wont want any pics.. i doubt bf will either, we both have gained so much weight, and i have perma acne that gets worse by the day, and i cant even afford to get my hair cut or colored again so its just this grown out mess.... then in the other respect of a vacation... i think ill just be worried the whole time about my finances... i mean i wont be able to spend money on anything so -shrugs- i get to just look at a bunch of nice things, thinking “i wish” or feel the guilt of her wanting to get it for me.... oh god yeah and same things w my friends.... i want to hang with them?? but i dont have money for shit??? and every time they pay for smth i die inside bc when will i even be able to pay them back its the same thing but theyre poor TT

anyways i guess thats most of it..... i guess im feeling tired maybe ill just pass out watching some youtube videos.... i was wanting to get a drawing done but ~*the cycle of feeling like shit*~ will occur worse then...

#negative #long post #dont read #sorry i exist #i wish i didnt too #the shit thing is even writing this out and posting im like...#its like there is two of me and one is saying you just want attention.. you want pity. you want money.#well fuck i want happiness but ill get what i can i guess

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interrum · 7 years

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June 22nd, 2017

Tried playing some video games today; Ultra Street Fighter IV. Kind of worked well, prior to that I was trying to abate the sadness I was feeling over a whole bunch of things. I demonstrate sadness pretty reasonably I think. There's not a whole lot to it I imagine, you tell the person you are sad or demonstrate somber feelings comparably equipped with disengagement and sorrow. Sometimes I cut myself but I have to have the energy to do that, today I didn't so I didn't bother. I like to feel that people sometimes view me as a person with only two emotions: joy and anger. If I'm not feeling one, I'm occupied with the other; this is a coarse debasement. I enjoy the full range of emotions afforded to normal people, I cry, I laugh, I shriek and feel great levels of intrigue; I even have moments where I am in love. For the most part I feel that I am pushed and pulled constantly under the stresses of these two emotions until I am exhausted and unwound, like a wire ready to fray under the slightest nick.

Anyway the day has only just started and I'm finding lots of new ways to keep myself interested and free from suicidal behavior. I took reading back up, much more voraciously than before and I even have a little journal that I like to write in, so as to make sure my handwriting does get better, even when it's not necessary. There used to be a lot of heroes back when I was a kid, people who would draw from their sadness and seek virtuosity in combat instead of fueling themselves with rage and wild abandon. With me, I think I can be like that, but I feel my sensibilities are really high energy, so there probably is confusion or dissonance between what I am feeling and what my activities suggest. I had this problem before when I was a small boy. Then it happened again when I was a teenager, and now it's been happening more frequently in my twenties. I feel like one of those sociopathic people who go to nightclubs and have a brooding aura that no one wants a part of, when really I am just sad and desirous of something humbling and cathartic. It was because of this problem that I took up writing and reading much more seriously, depending on the two to express sensibilities I was otherwise incapable of communicating effectively with other people.

I used to go to school with a lot of people who had this sort of mentality: "if you are feeling down it's because you're weak and unable to substantiate your abilities in the real world," the immediate response to sadness was not to get cucked or some other vagabond humiliation, lest you spiral further into sadness. So no one really ever learned how to overcome sadness, and eventually became prioritized by it and fueled by other fearful emotions. I wasn't really raised like that, I was always taught to express myself fully and wholly no matter what I was feeling, so I guess that left me emotionally capable as a person, this would probably explain why have such an eclectic social circle. When you feel sad you are supposed to express the feeling and fully. People win awards for being able to do this, many people are awarded great sums of money just for honestly expressing the sadness they feel inside. Would a pauper run from an opportunity to make money? Or does he no longer feel sadness and fears that his financial ruin is his own doing?

I'm an INTJ for the most part. I've taken the test over a handful of times and I seem to be introverted very excellently. I keep to myself and am on top of my emotions with high acuity. My ability to plan and derive results from these plans is also highly efficacious. One thing I am bad at is playing with others as a team, I've since been trying to fix this problem and I have gotten a lot better at it. I can understand the emotions of others and use them to propel problems into places where solutions can be applied, but I am by no means an ENTP, I am most formally an INTJ; and if allowed, a silent ENTP. I'm not scary, very few people are afraid of me. I feel at home most anywhere, even if I get homesick very quickly I can maintain myself and my comfort. Maybe my personality would be good for sightseeing. I've tried sightseeing before, it didn't suit me very well.

Right now, my penis hurts. I don't know why, it's been like that for a long time now. It shouldn't really hurt this much, but every time I get an erection it is painful. Maybe there is a problem with the blood flow or something. I get to feel sad sometimes because of piety, other times it's because of simple failures in productivity. Sometimes I am forced into exchanges which are neither prolific or exhaustive, but I must participate or else things will only get worse. Kind of like how you could explain the fruitlessness of fighting with someone, and they still charge you, and even if you knock them out it doesn't bring about resolution or any sort of commendable answer to the disagreement. I've been known to cut myself, bike ride intoxicated, dangle in and out of oncoming vehicles such as trains, cars and buses, and I was often quoted to have done these things because "I wanted the attention." I probably did, but I don't really remember why or how. When I was young I used to cry for it, but as I got older it kind of became redundant and I'd only expect the worse, wishing for death or anything close to it. Sometimes people think this is a dark way of thinking but it really is a plaintive kind of logic. Not hopeless, but exhausted; confused but not bewildered. I could be attention seeking, but I fail miserably at getting other people to be concerned about my well being, probably because it's not the first thing on my mind when I am thinking about anything suicidal. That sounds selfish, well it ought to be. I wouldn't want to worry about the fragility of the economy if I were pressed upon a knife.

Oh, I hear voices a lot more now. I hear them outside, in the street, when I'm at the store, sometimes when I'm getting my bike repaired I hear voices dictating my actions or commenting on what I should be doing. I used to think it was just someone playing a prank on me from my computer but now I have certainty that I am in fact experiencing hallucinations which is ranked mildly schizophrenic. The voices don't really tell me to do stuff, they have small insouciant comments like "shit," and "are you serious?" I feel like these things nudge me in directions I am not comfortable, which would explain why I feel a lot worse lately than I should, but I haven't the slightest clue what I had done or have done to other people to deserve any of this. I suppose I am to feel a deep sense of betrayal and remorse, funded by anger in hopes of revenge, but an exhausted person is not a cooperative one. Even if I wanted to cooperate with the things I'm hearing, I have frequently run into the problem of not having enough energy to carry out each and every whim. So I'd end up more exhausted than I were originally and forced into creative submission. This type of thing was bound to happen anyway. The amount of pressure I get between home and anything occupational is insane. I went to this community college once and I remember the look on my professors face when I told her I was rescinding the class, as if I couldn't let her down because I was "too smart to fail," which was exactly the reason I was dropping the class in the first place. I can't stand being like that. I can deal with some pressure, but when the ends are undermined by the causes then I really just drop everything. I just don't see the reason in pursuing solutions that are created by the problems themselves. It used to be frustrating but now I just don't do anything anymore. If at the least, I'll try to give advice in the best way I can; which is to set an example of what I would do or what is preferred.

Back when my brother beat me up the first time, he recommended I take rispiridone to help with the anxiety, but I hadn't told him I was hearing voices (at least I don't think I was). After looking up the drug, it's something they offer people with autism and schizophrenia in order to alleviate the symptoms. It's an anti-psychotic drug, not a anti-depressant. Looking back I should have taken the prescription but I wasn't really hearing voices then. I was spacing out a lot more then. And then to make matters worse, he beat me up a following four times over those next three years, for situations that had nothing to do with him. I still feel he isn't all okay in the head, I know I am not but there's nothing sensible about that behavior to me. Remembering it would make me angry, but now I just don't care. I'm entirely saddened by the thought and just choose to distance myself from it. I used to look up to him for a while because there weren't many people I could, but now I wish I never had crossed paths with him in the way I did. Whenever he does beat me up my mom just kind of watches and expects the worst only after I've resigned myself to the beating. One time he just kept punching me after I stopped fighting back for a whole two minutes, the headache was unreal. Then I had to be taken to a hospital and spend the night there because my family was "worried" or something. I've been to the hospital by parsons three times now I think. The first time was the worst. The second time I went, I got a totally different evaluation which said I had nothing wrong with me. I don't remember the third time so it probably hasn't happened. I wanted to talk to the doctor about my cutting and suicidal behavior but they kind of carted me out of there on my own volition. As soon as you say you're ready to go they go back to their work and find you an ambulette. I still have the papers from the hospital visit, and the report is still with the precinct that took me so I could file a complaint if I wanted, but I figured it would iron itself out somehow.

I grew up being a misfit, I was a misfit at home and at school and at summer camp. I went into high school not quite fitting in and made friends on the bias that pushed us together. I don't think there's a better way to explain that people are forced into sociable circles, but that was the way I had developed. Even after expressing a very reasonable range of abilities, failing to excel in those that people cared about made me less of a interesting person to talk to; then again people who naturally excel in these areas aren't very interesting to talk to either so I guess that's the kind of game being played. I don't think I'm really bad at making friends. I have a hard time keeping them but as I get older I think it's less to do with my inability and failings as a person. I used to think I couldn't keep friends because I was always so quiet and only watched others, but that wouldn't change the way people depend on me. Maybe it's because they expect me to say something, even during something idle like walking home, and I'm content with just saying hi. I know what that feels like, but it's really not going to get either of us anywhere by being insincere. It could also be a guilty meditation that forces me to feel like these relationships fail, but I have been trying to feel less guilty about stuff that isn't my fault. For the most part I feel no remorse for anything I've done, partly because I did it in full belief and also because there isn't anyone else to blame. I used to regret everything: asking girls out, requesting money for food, buying food for friends, talking to friends, hanging out with friends. Everything came with regret and at some point I just gave up trying to categorize it all and told myself it didn't make sense. It wasn't worth it. Neither the blame or the fatigue. Now I live more guilt free and have nothing to fear, but it's also an empty life. Nothing shines in its original color anymore, all my favorite events are dulled out and less enjoyable than they used to be. Regret shouldn't have that kind of power over me but it did establish a great deal of roller coaster relationships, most of which were imparted on me and forced me to behave like one, a roller coaster.

My brother would always say there are three things he doesn't like to talk about: sex, politics and love (or something to that effect). I think he was saying those are touchy subjects. Politics are touchy because they can put you in places that you don't want to be. Even if you're not doing anything wrong and participating exactly how you should be, you are a force that others will find disparaging and offensive. Simply talking about politics is another hurdle in itself, imagine being offensive and having the gall to communicate about how offensive you are; it's heretical. I think that was predominantly the point, but I could be wrong. Anyway, politics to me is a topic that bears no weight. I'll talk about most anything because it's just who I am, but more and more I find myself unable to comment on anything effectively. Simply concluding a small matter in sociological development doesn't fix the problem, no matter how biting the comment. Eventually I got into the mode of trying to fix these problems with large sums of examples and argumentative practices, which both proved very useful. I was never good at teaching other people how to do things, but apparently I was really exceptional for setting an example for how things should and shouldn't be done, so I used this to my effect without much effort. I think I may be destructive to my environment because I'm like this. Due to my inability or refusal to commit to pithy events that don't fix the problem, I'm causing the problem much more exposure which makes people upset a lot of the time. But I don't want to whine and complain the problem away, I want to fix it. There's nothing to be gained from expecting life to bend over for you. It sounds really pious and noble which is another failure of my personality but I'd rather not fix problems that were created solely for the solutions existence. Can you imagine a problem that's been engineered solely to bring about a convenient solution or worse, a profitable one?

#june 22nd #2017

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