#ive been drinking too much
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Travel jitters meet meticulous autism planning and waiting mode 😔
@naffeclipse turns out i had some more time for art - once I'm back we'll see how well he fared all alone fghdjs
*self insert Aster is not a girl (he/ she)
*og detective au by sunnys-aesthetic!
#post let luce#dcamv#bloodstain fool#menace4menace#my art#I STILL GOT AN HOUR TO GO BEFORE I LEAVE AAAAAAAAA#at least. at least this killed SOME time i am so so jittery#(said as I sip from my energy drink)#okay so maybe some of the jitters are my own fault but also ive been excited/ nervous since yesterday morning gfhdsj#soon!! soon ill gooo!!!#my teeny tiny car will be filled to the brim but its okay fghdjs#might reblog some more stuff or smth but radio silence probably#too jittery to do much more FHDJS
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Anyway I found a cake mix and had some scraps of things so I tried to make cupcakes. You can pinpoint the exact cupcake where I went "lol screw this my hand is broken"
Observe my hideous but tasty children. They've given me ideas for future endeavors and represent much needed calories
#i tried to make them lemon lime like 7up and had mixed success#ive been drinking work coffee because we have cocoa and there is creamer there#i think gods more interested in me getting calories than he is where theyre coming from rn#nevermind that i don't think he cares too much about caffeine anyway#or alcohol for that matter#all things in moderation and all that#speaking of somebody please ask me about how i follow the word of wisdom#i have Such an essay about it
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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you’re created with hands circling your wrists. there’s never any offense meant, you must understand - it’s simply that you’re a story, and someone’s come by this desperate need to learn how to let the hell go.
#the zone rpg#bakuspecial#:] hi. I think the game's in print now. so I can post this#heheheheh. total number came to six. very good number. very happy with the cards I did!!#gonna have to learn how to draw like this on a graphic tablet tho... no matter what the screen tablet was. bad. for my wrists#and my back too tbh. bowing over my lap to draw isnt great#but! my time with it has been beautiful. it was very good for my understanding art brain. its taught me a lot#I just need to. translate all that. to a different kinda kinetic scheme#well! that wont be a thing I think about too much for at least the next week. I am Out Of Da City Babeyy#okay. I go finish my drink. this place I am in slaps Ive already been swindled once#the coconut they sold me was good tho miles better than what we got out north. so I'll take it. for triple the price apparently#oh well! thats for the cab I refused to take. it all balances out#have a good day lads! check out the zone rpg! it owns! there's a free browser version if u wanna play!
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Excuse me. EXCUSE ME but I am VERY concerned about the Vern one?
oh man that one is going to be hilarious, i can't wait to write it.
it's a bay leo fic where you're vern's personal assistant. you hate his guts, but he pays well, you're really good at your job, it's pretty easy, and he isn't actually the worst human being you've ever met, so you stick around.
(he tried to hit on you once towards the beginning, but quickly learned that that was not going to happen. he's been polite ever since... mostly because you intimidate the fuck out of him. also because you're the one who knows the wifi password.)
you are curious about code turtle that he has in place, though. how if a pretty girl calls into his office and says literally anything about turtles, she's to be put through immediately.
naturally, it happens while he's... ah... entertaining someone in his office. so you call in, and he hangs up on you, then you call in again, this time letting him know it's a turtle situation. (you still have no idea what the fuck this means, but hey, it gets his pants back on.)
you're pretty sure it's some stupid thing. it's vern. he's an idiot.
so cue your shocked face when no, literal turtles come out of the elevator and check in at your desk to come talk to him.
#ask tag#tag game#this kind of insert-chan is So fun to write. ive been thinkin about this fic for months#exhausted. type a. takes no bullshit. looks at leonardo and thinks yeah i can climb that. drinks way too much coffee.
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#vel 17#hanging out in my silly bedroom drinking too much water to handle#thank you so much#i'mma do something i dont think ive done in years and like#give commentary in the tags & shit#i think simply put ive been trying to find ways to talk about my stellar combo of ocd a panic disorder and cptsd for a long time now#& i still honestly have no clue#once i wasnt surfing from place to place last year i really just locked myself in here#and that was 10 months ago (7 months after it got really fucking bad). ive been feeling like this pretty much since i turned 25#finally being able to process what the people in life had to tell me was a years worth of legit psychological abuse#but now thats even getting outside my comfort level at the moment and ive been recontextualizing my whole life over here#ive barely been posting pictures outside of my bedroom cause ive barely left it#if you see this it means it escaped my drafts and i was bold enough to publish this tagspeak#i am merely just trying to expel ocd ruminations dont mind me 🪩#but idk. talking like this makes me feel gross and i'm starting to realize people don't usually feel it to THIS extent. like i feel nauseou
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Happy New Years, my beloveds. I love you all and I'm very proud of you as the darling little individuals that you are. kisses you all on the forehead. You're doing fantastic . look forward with hope, starlings. we've got this!!
#exli speaks#<- ioma little drunk#which is strange because ive never been drunk before and i didnt even drink that much#ive drank more than this BEFORE and felt nothing#soooo hm! teehee#its not unwelcome just confusing#and its funny to try to function like a normal person like this#im sure ill wake up and be like ohhhhhhh how embarrassing#but i think its quite lovely to experience all life has to offer in little increments#what a darling cute bodily experience#dont stay up too late all of you!#happy new years have fun mwah ah goodnight sweetlings
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thoroughfare save me... save me thoroughfare........... save me...........
#what the fuck are the lyrics .#HARD PRESSED FOR AIR AND SWEATING!!!!!!! AND YOU SAID HEY#o hmg god this SONG#im fonna eagasm#i finna be in the pit#sory#drinking my green tea in my clothes ive been wearing for six days and acting like anyones met my southern wet time#is that a double entendre or am i reading too much into it#like southern wet as in. south of America southern PLUS southern wet as in pussy#they need to make new sex words#i HATW the word pussy its too close to puss (pusscat) and pissy#blah blah!#ethel cain#preacher's daughter
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heading to the gym for the first time in forever
#i genuinely h8 working out like u guys don’t even get it#trying to get back into a routine bc ive been feeling like absolute GARBAGE lately#eating fast food way too much#not sleeping (this one isn’t my fault it’s capitalisms)#my skin has been so bad#ugh#anywho#ate a fruit and vegetable today woohooo#time to go cry on an eliptical#and then walk out like a gym baddie sex symbol 💅✨#as i didnt just watch run bts n burn maximum 30 calories#im procrastinating okay byeeeee lmao#love you all#drink water pls our organs are deteriorating !!
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he's so real for this
#god i wish that were me#i wanna sleep as a kitty cat#mylittleguys#also hi i am sick and i feel half dead and i can barely eat or drink i am not entirely sure that i am awake right now#so thats what ive been up to the past few days :))))))#ahahahaahahahahahahahaaaaaa wish me luck o7#rly badly wanna draw but ive got a fever and im all shaky and my throat is all stuffy and i havent eaten much bc of it so i cant even rly c#concentrate at anything and i have been wasting away in my bed and i havent showered in too long and its shark week and :(((#im just being put through so many horrors rn 💪😐#when everything bad hits all at once 💪😐#this guys my new bff p sure -> 💪😐#hi sorry bout all that its been piling up :))))c#💪😐#<- for when ur on the verge of a shutdown and/or meltdown
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(( Asks are back open and we are starting the Christmas event! The Christmas event will basically just be them dressed up in holiday sweaters and have various Christmas decor around the house. ))
(( I will close the ask box again once it goes over 30, but I'll do my best to answer them quickly. ))
#bendy#batim#batim bendy#doodle#mun#amerrybendychristmas#<- tag for the christmas event#ive been waiting to put bendy in a christmas sweater ever since this blog first started and now my dreams are coming true#he is drinking hot chocolate :>#idk when but around christmas time i will be going away to spend christmas with my cousins so i wont be here for christmas#eh i'll make a post about it when the time comes#i've made a few changes to the blog.. okay maybe just two#the first one is how bendy's eyes work. he now moves the whole pupil and not the pie cut part#and now they are not the only toons in the world anymore! now there are lots of toons walking around. toons and regular humans#these are not ''canon'' toons but ocs because i dont want to do crossovers#thats pretty much it#oh yeah. im putting one thing from the game into the au#its small and unimportant tho so its not too interesting#a lot of whats in the game is already in the au as well as stuff that cant happen in the au#this is getting long so i'll end it here
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Send me good wishes yall. I'm going to try and work on some late work when I get home but I'm chronically bad at doing that without an energy drink but I'm not ready for the impending doom of selling my soul to energy drinks so I can function
Uuhhhhhhhhh I accidentally went on a tangent and there's a whole vent in the tags oopsies
#i already get an energy drink every time on my lunch break at work. but thats partly cause im not too fond of my current job anyways#i dont need perfect grades just. as long as theyre passing i dont care#and are still passing grades after whatverr the finals do to it#im going to a trade school anyways gpa doesnt matter. ive just. QUITE LITERALLY. spent my whole life smacking my head into a desk-#-cause of school. and im so desperate to get my ass outta here. It'll be so much easier cause i will be free from family too#once i get my own place that is. I honest to God would rather sell my soul to two jobs and come home to peace and breathe#than this hell now. being at school is tourment and being at home is tourment. cant wait till im actually HOME. and not some. house.#home is where the dodge challenger that i will sleep in is. home is where the heart is. and my heart isnt anywhere here.#just. one more year. i can get my license at my brithday which is all the way in decemeber but. one more year from now#and I can scrape by and graduate and say adios.#i refuse to acknowledge the scenerio of not making it cause. fuck it we ball or something. am i using that saying right#i already did my time in prison(summer school)#i dont know about yall but summer school was honestly one of the WORST expereinces ive ever been in. horrible.
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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The best feeling in the world is when there’s a piece of media you know you love and you’ve hyped it up as your favorite thing for so long but you haven’t revisited it in a while so you start to worry if it’s really as good as you make it out to be and so you go back and revisit it and it’s like. Oh this is even better than I remembered this shit rules
#the klock keeps ticking#i always get this feeling when i play 999 but tonight i got it with the letter#cuz ive uh finally decided to bite the bullet and play the evil meanie route where everyone dies 😟#a route ive put off for so long cuz its just too damn sad to think about akjdksk god it hurts#and ive played like for the most part every route of this game EXCEPT this one but i know the ending is really dark and i need to see it#plus i will at least get my beloved torture scene in so thats nice#i didnt kill off isabella though its a coma route which i hope still allows me to get the ending i want cuz i mean shell still be out of#commission in the final scene so hopefully it works out#but yeah no i started off tonight on the marianne chapter and while i did skip around through it cuz ive played it many times and i just#wanna get to the important stuff already alskj i also just replayed some of the best parts#aka the shit where lorraine appears and the gay shit alksks and god like hnnnghh not only does this chapter still ruin me emotionally#i also just remembered why i love this character so much and remembered just how good the character writing in this game is#and i also played into the rebecca chapter and didnt skip as much cuz i actually am not as familiar with the coma route#cuz it makes me sad and i never revisited it lol and i havent gotten to The Scene that makes me sob yet#its so coming though dont worry but idk i guess its just been cuz ive been thinking about p3 so much lately#and in particular shinji both the death route and coma route but in particular the coma cuz thats what im writing#and damn lol the letter just writes the grief and nuanced relationships and death stuff so much better lol god#like marianne loses her childhood best friend whom she has a gay ass relationship with to suicide and like its just better#she blames herself and still isnt even kinda okay with it after 13 years#like it just fucking ruined her and the only thing keeping her from losing it is her repression and drinking problem and unattached sex#and then with coma route well fucking first off isabellas friends actually like. visit her frequently damn#and they just all have such unique ways of coping like Zach is being optimistic so no one gets too upset#rebecca is sorta in charge of making sure everything goes smoothly she has to contact the family and make big decisions#and shes also just taking the most stress and shes got so many complicated feelings around isabella going on but she genuinely cannot stand#that isabella is hurt shes fucking destroyed she loves isabella and then ashton AAAAA god yeah i also just remembered that hes SUCH a good#character hes like being a genuine asshole right like Rebecca calls to tell him that isabella is comatose now and he literally doesnt let#her say anything he literally says ‘i dont have time for other things rn’ like the wellness of his friend is just ‘other things’#but you just know thats not it not at all hes burying himself in work to the point of destruction so he can figure out who did this and make#everything okay and he refuses to show even an ounce of vulnerability cuz THE SECOND HE DOES IT ALL COMES OUT AND HE CANT GET OUT OF BED#ANYMORE CUZ HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY WHEN THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS DYING
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i dont want to be online rn cause i feel like all ive done all weekend/week is scroll tumblr or read fanfic. so i just stretched on my yoga mat for an hour. but now idk what to do.
#ive eaten. i dont have a real book to read rn. i took a shower.#ik its 10pm but i dont sleep that early ever#i dont want to get drunk well i do but ive been drinking too much#i am aware of the irony of posting this on tumblr#talking
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literlaly terirble night last night
#first of all the gay party was capped and me and my friend were devastated cuz we were so ready to make out w girls#second of all i went to the other frat that me and my gf met at and guess what. i fucking saw her there#id been there before sinc ewe came back but ive never seen her so far there but idk what i was expecting#not only that but we literally met at the drink station as in full relapse of last sem when we also said hi there and hit it off#so mebarrsing#not only that btu this frat was so good last sem but now its ass so the music wasnt even fun and i wasnt feeling it#and then these ASSHOLE GUYS are mocking me for being an english major. that REALLY pissed me off#AND THEN on my way back im waiting for the bus and she and ehr friends pull up tot he bus stop too#and then i got back to my dorm and just sobbed for like an hour and wandered around voice memoing my friends sobbing#like its so humilaitng its so fukced up how much our breakup is impacting me why cant ijust move on#i know its been like 4 weeks but comeon . im sor eady to be over her i hate feeling this dread#AND THEN im finally like you know closing my suite door and the lock jams so im fidgeting with it and one of her friend makes eye contact w#me. SHE DOESNT EVEN LIVE IN TEH SAME BUILDING AS ME!!! WHY WAS SHE THEREEEE#and i literally have tears all over mye yes and i had no idea she was coming so we just made ey contact and then i shut teh door
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