#ive been watching it nonstop for like 3 months

[sorointerrobang]

some bad kids i drew while binging dimension 20

[howlsnteeth]

hi, just wanted you to know that if you ever wanted to like. interest-dump about cotl and your thoughts about the lore/storyline and stuff as ive seen you show in your art, id read PARAGRAPHS. im so curious and love to hear about people's interest in game/story/media lore and the interpersonal relationships within the universe!!! - from an autistic system who has loved your art since like. forever. (u can call us moss)

okay hi moss :3

i'm kind of due for an infodump on my cotl headcanons, so! i'll try be somewhat concise because this is going to be a long post anyway rip. i drew some pictures :D

(i can't really think of any warnings to give outside of usual cotl themes/killed race/dying/blood/etc but let me know)

obviously watching the destruction of your entire race is traumatic as fuck, also because it likely took a few weeks or months to achieve. so they died pretty underweight/weak bodied/pretty shut down. the bishops are gone by the time lamb is revived by toww, and their body hadn't quite made it to a 'body pit' (or food pit). still, they get Their Bell from another of their race on the way out. probably weren't thinking about it too hard and just desperately wanted to grab something while their eyes burned in their sockets and this red crown fit like molded clay in their hand. my lamb has a little notch out of their left ear which was caused while escaping, which ends up never healing because of a few reasons but mostly because i like it.

over the course of the game/story they start to slowly physically change. after revival it takes scars a Long time to fade, considering lamb is technically a walking corpse, and also because of their affiliation with Death (narinder, who has similar i'll mention later). they get dark marked lines under their eyes from that classic 'bleeding eyes' action during rituals/etc. their ears but especially horns get longer and sharper. their way of coping is similar to most lambs, jokes and pulled punches.

by the end of the 'main game/toww fight,' they've already made their choice, and start flexing their control/communication with the red crown itself. it gets harder for toww to view through it, and lamb gets somewhat intoxicated with the idea of an ultimate revenge, having killed all the other bishops. they've done everything they can to stop their cult members noticing signs of weakness, but as things get more stressful this kind of rubberbands around to them seeming extremely unstable. by the time they go to fight toww they're muttering nonstop, barely aware, and also they let their wool get longer and basically end up with a mullet. <3 because it's funny to me

they obviously beat toww and for them it's like a smashing of clarity, like a gripped handle let go, standing up from the river of blood. it's freeing but also the most pain they've ever been in. and instead of killing toww this pit in their stomach spares him. lamb went from a corpse to a god and now, in some sick way, they want to watch a god turn into a living corpse, just like them. because with every other sheep dead, narinder is the only one with a connection to that genocide, the cause of the other bishops doing it.

narinder hates their fucking guts. obvs. he thinks, or knows, that lamb is doing it on purpose. but narinder's body hasn't been normal for far, far too long. even before he was made death (as in artworks i've done with him), his body turned skeletal and rotted away. lacerations open all over his body, but especially down his front torso. when he's first brought to the cult, lamb gives him red robes, also because of this 'problem'. but narinder does every single thing he can against them. he gets white robes and lets them turn bloodied and disturbing to everyone around him.

even washing them stops working, and lamb does resign slightly to letting him sit in his dirty stupid robes. it's the pettiest shit. narinder also keeps his veil, and lamb can't bother with a reason to take it away. let that dumbass keep his yuck robes and veil. you can only stick him the stockade for a week before your other followers get too concerned.

over time, they do end up getting closer, but it comes from a place from both being touched and changed by Death, the red crown, and the choices of the other bishops. it takes a really long time and only after all the other bishops have been recruited (another whole thing). both of them catch themselves enjoying little things, and then having moments of all the pain bleeding through. an example is over time narinder does end up wearing darker robes, but it's fairly gradual. in this piece, it's lamb getting too deep in the countless lives that were taken from their race, triggered by blood (a whole little story thing), and narinder does make the (semi subconscious) choice to wear dark robes.

anyway you're probably looking at that giant shadow in the picture huh. it takes a long time but lamb Does end up truly becoming a bishop.

not 100% done with this design, but it has the basics. their main horns end up breaking off (thinking of a story behind that still). the main thing with them that i really like is they have multiple strings of bells on them. so everyone starts associating the sound of ringing bells as Death. so if you hear them, they're coming for you. that being said, they also have the ability to move completely silently, despite being covered in bells. which adds to the scaring-the-fuck-out-of-everyone factor.

there's a ton more i could get into with the other bishops, ratau, the duck siblings, the crowns themselves, more aym and baal, but i'm probably gonna do more artworks with them so i can talk more then :3 this is already too long lmao

thanks for the ask though!! it's nice knowing people are interested in my stuff :D (it's also worth mentioning that i am also a system and have alters of lamb, narinder, and aym and baal, who all contribute to this stuff)

[socialistwh0r3vampir]

Tagged by @zaegreus

three ships: I'm going to cheat and say iwtv toxic polyclue but @lesbians4armand gotten me super into Armand x Daniel

Trixie Katya is edging out iwtv in terms of rpf in no small part to @tritzie

And my current rare pair are Tom Riddle paired with Lily Evens or/and Alphard Black thanks to @therealvinelle @heyob and @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin

first ship: it's probably Sarah x Jareth from labyrinth I was watching that movie as a literally baby and me and my mother love fairytales and folklore. It really clicked for me when I was 3 and my little brother started to have a personality and I was jealous of the attention he got I projected really hard onto Sarah and wanted to be her and be with her and both my parents have always listed after Bowie as an adult I still ship them and have read some incredible fanfic (one of which actually got an update after a year long hiatus when I mentioned it in a tag game lol). Honestly if you haven't seen labyrinth yet and your on Tumblr your a real weirdo if you want to see other people gush about David Bowie's cod piece definitely check out moviebitches review.

last movie: I'm partway though twin peaks again after seeing @tritzie rebloging a gif earlier today but the last film I finished 3 Women 1977 yesterday which I found through the Trixie Katya podcast and its wonderful if you like sissy spacek or Shelly Duvall it's definitely worth a watch if you like bizarre horror I really need to gif it so I can try to influence my beloved tumblrinas.

last song: currently listing to the brat album again after Jackson wagon dropped a video after a year long hiatus about the rollout of the album I found it really interesting as I've been a causal fan of hers since sucker dropped like a decade ago but I don't follow celebrities or artists and tend to hear titbits from irl/tumblr friends or video essays/deep dives. Last song not on the album was va Va Voom by Nicki cause my brains broken and it's been playing nonstop for months

Currently eating: cinnamon rolls (I forgot to convert from F to C for the first 5min of cook time so they are a lil brown on top but still good and a fancy yogurt

Currently craving: pulled pork slider Ive just put it in the oven and I've got 6hours left Im walking into town in a few hours to go to the food pantry and by the time I get back it should be ready but idk if they will have buns or if i should make them now (cause ill have to wait for them to rise for min 1hour). Ive wanted beef pho for a few weeks but my town doesn't sell it and the closest one is an hour bus away and they don't have regular hours or pick up the phone so it's not worth traveling all the way for nothing. I'm going to Vist my mother in the blue mountains in a few weeks if my dad's health is good enough shout out to Pho Moi in katoomba it's incredible (if u go be aware it full of tourists on weekends and school holidays and to get on the list for a table u have to write ur name in person) but it's $20 for a huge bowl with raw I share with my mum and often have leftovers to take home and it's the best flavor.

Tagging

@tritzie @namorssideburns @curlytemple @nationalvyvanseshortage @significationary @boag @dragonflylady77 @hetrophobic @wh0rebehavi0rmain @sumquiasum @jdeanmorgan @cuddle---buddy @cannibalisticcorpse @hauntingattheblackberrypatch @jackiegaytona

[oktorpg]

Mending Hearts and Souls – Solo by Raven Reyes

〄 ꜱᴏʟᴏ - ʀᴀᴠᴇɴ ʀᴇʏᴇꜱ

𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐒𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐬

╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: #littlebirdrey 

╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: ʙᴏᴏᴋ 3

╰ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ: ² ᵒᶠ ᵃⁿ @OsoKikThruOgeda ˢᵗᵒʳʸ 

╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

“There is no dishonor in owning your mistakes, or to apologise for them. The humiliation comes when you knowingly refuse to act on your behalf when the oversight is highlighted.”

                            -Samuel Reyes 

Time was a luxury; one we didn’t have, ever since we left earth, to return to space, and make a semi-permanent home for all the souls we’d saved on Eligius IV. We came here to survive where once we had run from, with the hopes that this time we wouldn’t fail those whose lives we had taken into our hands.

This had been my mission ever since I docked the transport ship. I knew I was someone with a one tacked mind. That once I had a goal set, all my energy had to be spent resolving the problem. And we all know what dilemma faces us right now. Survival!

〄 〄 〄 〄

‘Anytime now, it’s okay. I know you have no plans to call it a night. But if you don’t mind, after close to two nights of working with you nonstop. I want to see the inside of my room.’ #Bellamy had offered his hands over dinner a few nights ago. He’d been watching me fight with some of the cryogenic beds, and “Took pity” on me. (Or so he says) Something told me that he needed some down time from the politics of the clans.

“Who here is stopping you? You know where the doors are, and what the codes are too.” Waving my hand in the direction of it. “Get out.” Speaking from under a half-demolished bed.

The best way to learn how something worked was to take it apart slowly. Seeing it with your own eyes, feeling the parts assisted in understanding the components clearer.

‘And leave you in here on your own? No way.’ He pulled me out from under the bed with my leg. The wheels on the roller underneath me shifted, leaving me exposed to the blight of the overhead lights. ‘Rey, come on. We are calling it.’ He looked at the time. ‘And lunch is being served right now, we can eat something, shower and then hit our bunks hard. Because my actions in about ten minutes will be induced by hunger and sleep deprivation.’ #Bellamy made me smile, he still sometimes called the beds ‘bunks’, even when we were sleeping on forest floors.

“Fine, okay. You head out to the mess, and I’ll be right behind you.” He wasn’t past man handling. And he knew me better. He knew as soon as he left, I would roll myself back to work, and he wasn’t going to let me go.

Bending down, he took the tools out of my hands, setting them to the side. He took a hold of both my hands, pulling me up and onto my feet. ‘Now Rey… we are leaving right Now!’ Pushing me over towards the door with his fingers poking me in my ribs.

“Okay, okay, however would you at least let me put my tools away?” Trying to turn back was futile at this point as he had one foot out the door.

‘Good try, and no, there is no point. Because we both know you will need the same tools later tonight when you come back.’  

〄 〄 〄 〄

We parted ways at the mess, #Bellamy stayed with me until I completely consumed my ration. Each bite I swallowed had been difficult, especially when I knew there were malnourished children on board the Eligius IV, who hadn’t had a full meal in months. #Bellamy’s logic had been the same as others onboard. ‘If you aren’t feeding yourself, and looking after your health, then we all die, when this piece of crap falls out of space and goes crashing to earth.’

(I didn’t think it was the appropriate time to correct him by clarifying. Because didn’t we all knew that if the Eligius IV malfunctioned, then it would either the ship’s momentum would continue to carry it on its current trajectory with the constant speed it has now, or it would explode and shatter into a billion pieces and be scattered around the orbit of earth. However, Like I said. It wasn’t the best time to have said conversation.)

〄 〄 〄 〄

Making my way back to my room had become a mission on most days. I always seemed to end up anywhere but there.

As I walked through the bustling corridor my mind went to how the people onboard had worked so far to uncontaminated the ship. Corridors, rooms, the mess, the med bay, all cleaned. A few people had even come to the landing bay and workshop where I spend most of my time, attempting to help there. However, I’d thanked them and asked them to leave it to me. I knew where things were meant to stay to make my working life easier, in my workspace, and having someone else tidy objects they didn’t know or understand would take me twice as long to retrieve eventually.

The ship was slowly coming to life… And this thought made me smile. Maybe #Bells had a point, taking a walk around would help me see the impact we are having on these people. It would remind me of the mission, and why we were here in the first place.

Singing voices brought me to a jolting stop in front of a set of doors I’d not been inside of. The two glass panels in the doors gave me the perfect view of what was occurring behind them, making me smile even more.

Children of all ages were in the room, some sitting on the ground in a circle, some on chairs, others on benches, some by the windows which had been covered, and a small group of three or four running around the circle of their friends. While in the middle of them all, sat cross legged was #Luna with her arms open in a welcoming gesture to the children.

It’s then I remembered John Murphy had told me about what she and #Emori had been doing on the ship.

“They haven’t been assigned work details because of the tensions with the grounders. Luna spends her time with Harper, helping with the kids, and Emori goes on to work detail with Jasper. I don’t like the idea of them being on their own when I’m working.”  He had said.

The moment our eyes met I knew I had been found out. #Luna had seen me before I had her. She tilted her head to the side, waving for me to come in. Shaking my head and taking a few steps back from the door, I hadn’t planned on going inside at all. However, the doors opened with a whoosh with all eyes on me.

‘Hey Rey, it’s so about time you to dropped in to see these little monsters.’ The teasing voice of #Harper said. She stood before me smiling with a toddler clinging to her hip whilst she held him close.

“Hi…” Waving to the room in the most awkward way possible. “I was walking by and heard the laughter and singing.” As though it would do as an explanation.

#Luna continued to watch before she spoke to all the children in trig. Telling them who I was, what I do on the ship, and how I was the one to pilot the drop ship to collect them. Those who first looked apprehensive, visibility relaxed, and some even asked questions of her, and she in turn guided them to me. The #ZenMaster, held her hand out to me asking me to take a chair a teenaged boy brought forward for me while I answered some of the questions in trig, and others with some help with #Luna.

I hadn’t even known that these two amazing women had opened a school like environment for all the children who were allowed to come. #Harper has whispered to me that some of the grounders were still untrusting of #Luna, so wouldn’t send their kids at all. Something they were working on. They didn’t ask for my help, or need any guidance, they were just sharing this achievement with me. The two warrior’s woman in our group were the ones who were taking care of the next generation with love and kindness. It was incredible to observe.

〄 〄 〄 〄

I stayed there in the classroom until it was time for the children to go. Helping where I could, and watching when I wasn’t needed. Soon the children had all let their walls down, welcoming me into this small safe world. They didn’t have a concern about the hours they were there. They were permitted to be children, to sing, dance, and learn. All the things we maybe took for granted on the Ark.

‘You took your time to come find the peace.’ #Luna finally said once all the children and #Harper left for the day. The were no classroom supplies, however the girls had been on the hunt on the ship for things they could use clearly.

“I didn’t know I was in need.” Setting the chairs away to the far side of the room. Refusing to turn to make eye contact with her.

‘We all need peace at some point. Just depends on when each individual recognises their need.’ She stood herself right behind me, leaving no place to hide from her deep brown eyes. ‘Stop this. You have nothing to feel this guilt about.’ Keeping her voice low and her trig slow, ensuring I didn’t miss a word. ‘You always do the best you can and somehow find a way to kick yourself for not doing even more.’

“What can I say? I’m just a glutton for punishment.” This earned me a stern look.

‘No, you care so much that you forget you are human. That you cannot kill yourself to save others.’ She cupped my face in her hands to bring my misty eyes to hers. ‘You did this. You saved all these people who no one would have. Every person and child on this ship, all here because we had you.’ That was it, the tears fell in a stream with no end in sight. ‘Raven… little sister… I love you… and you must know I’ve been here waiting for you to see the truth. It took you long enough. Now we move forward.’ Kissing my forehead, she held me in her arms.

 “I didn’t think you could forgive me, not after what I did.” I sobbed into her shoulder, holding her for dear life.

‘What you did? You found a way to save us. There is no reason for forgiveness.’ Her voice was soothing to me.

“I left you, Jasper and John to die.” I managed to let out.

‘No, you promised to come back for us, and you did. We had faith in you. That’s all.’ I shook my head, making #Luna held me closer. ‘Stop this now. You aren’t responsible for the world burning. You are the one who saved lives.’

She held on to me until the tears dried, until she could tell that it would be safe to let go of me, and only then did she draw me towards the door. ‘Come.’ She smiled; her wild hair bounced as she pulled my arm.

“Where to?” following her without stopping.

‘Our new home, you need to see how well #Emori and John have been keeping your space clean. It’s nice in there, it’s just missing you.’ We were at the door when I drew my hand back to still myself. ‘Raven?’ she asked questioningly. I had seen it; John had shown it to me.

‘Come, let’s go’ I shook my head once. The smile on her lips fell. ‘Why not?’ She turned to face me. ‘Why won’t you come home with me?’ she asked again when I hadn’t answered her.

“I… I.. I cannot… I just…” biting down on my lips my eyes fell to the ground and my feet.

‘Please... tell me why.’ Once again #Luna cupped my face to bring my eyes up to meet hers.

“I just can’t.” but she pushed when fresh tears fell down my cheeks. How could I explain this to her. That it was for me that I couldn’t… Pulling my will power together, I took a deep calming breath. “Luna, all my life I have lived with someone. My parents, Finn, and his mom, the 100, with You and John… and then Emori too. At each phase in my life, I felt like my world was pulled out from under me. Sometimes because of what I had done, sometimes because it was done to me. The only time I had full autonomy over myself were times I slept with my work. Where I couldn’t let someone down, and they couldn’t let me down.” This was difficult to say out loud for the first time. “I’m not ready to hand over that power over me. You are the one who just said, I give too much of myself… And I sometimes forget just because someone is my priority, it doesn’t mean I am theirs.”

My mom had been the first person to teach me this lesson, however I didn’t learn. Then Finn… and again… I didn’t learn. But this last lesson came with a burning planet. If I still did not listen to the universe. My heartbreak was on me.

‘I thought you had forgiven us?’ she asked as her hands dropped away.

“I have… this isn’t about you. This is about me. Me needing to understand that if I had to survive. I could.” My eyes pleaded with her to hear and understand me.

Tentatively nodding her head, she kissed my forehead again. ‘Until the time comes when you feel it in your heart. Know that I am always with you no matter what.’ Dropping her hands, she smiled, stepping away to give me space to leave. To go where I knew I could be until I could trust myself.

[bloodyrawsweet]

after around 3 months of taking my sweeet old time rewatching hannibal for the third time by treating myself to a single episode every few days i'm finally done. not sure what to do now. do i start again

[noritoshiikamo]

this is how you fall in love

pairing: kuroo tetsuroo + fem!oc genre: friends into lovers fluff with slight suggestive end tags//warning: nothing major // slight suggestive at the end if you squint enough note: the obligatory trio of mine: not well edited, lowercase intended, english isnt my first language im sorry if i murder it. o wow look ive been posting back to back, ive been writing nonstop lately watch me ghost my stories in few weeks guys my brain = rotting, plus lately ive been feeling emotionally abuseddrained so i need something fluffy

listen to this is how you fall in love by jeremy zucker + chelsea cutler for maximum feels

“you’re a lifesaver.”

kuroo huffed, eyes rolling back with a small laugh as he unlaced his sneakers and slipped the room slipper on. it was odd to see the gymnasium without any nets or balls sprawled around. the gym has been closed for a week now in preparation for the upcoming open school event and currently under the art club’s jurisdiction. under her jurisdiction with her canvases and paints and it pained him to see her ruining his sacred place. he carried two plastic bags and holding two boba teas in the same hand. he wasn’t sure which one she was more excited for; the boba, the paints she made him ran to an art supply shop or him. she reached out, the bobas in his hand exchanged as she settled it on the floor, and she squealed at the sight of the plastic bag. he frowned.

yup, not him.

tins of different colors of paint that she ran out mid painting that she forgot to buy had her dialing his number and now it’s all here. all thanks to kuroo tetsuro. she grimaced at the price tags; it was costly than her usual one. usually, she would’ve gotten her supplies online, but desperate measure calls for desperate solution. she could always claim her expenses with the club. typical kuroo, she huffed. he always preached about getting the best, not minding the price tags but she’ll be the victim of his nonstop complaining that he’s getting broke every single day. she tucked a stray hair back and mentally counted how much she owed the man as she arranged the tins on the table.

kuroo noticed that look; same look she had when they are in the math class and he clicked his tongue, “tch, you’re not paying.”

“i’m reimbursing you with the club money,” she shook her head and reached for her bag, “please kuroo, it’s so expensive.”

he reached for her wrist and she dropped the tote bag as he invaded her space. kuroo rested the palm of her hand right above his heart, his own around the waist and another under her chin as he tilted her chin up. his heartbeat was erratic, and she flushed. “it’s okay,” he said, softly. her lips formed into a small pout and he fought the urge to just kiss her.

their dynamic is something even kenma couldn’t figure it out.

they weren’t exactly dating. they are friends, close friends, and classmates. it has always been him, her and occasionally yaku; creating the chaotic duo/trio of class 5. they both played volleyballs, both captains while he’s the middle blocker, she’s their female team’s setter. they knew a lot of each other’s friends from other schools; he was the reason why she dated akaashi keiji from the first place. it was selfish of kuroo to admit to bokuto a month after they started dating that he disliked the idea of them together. typical kuroo is no longer snarky, he felt lost, felt like he was losing his other half. so, he confided to his close friend, the simpleton ace.

“you didn’t make any moves, kuroo, you can’t blame them.”

bokuto noted as them both stared at the two setters, playing around the fallen cherry blossoms. bokuto never seen akaashi smiled that much and kuroo could only wished that she smiled the same way to him. kuroo stared at the half bitten onigiri he’d been holding, suddenly every bite he took tasted bitter. every trace of akaashi on her gave him bitter taste. she liked wearing akaashi’s jersey; kuroo longed to see her in his own numbered jersey; she’s his number one after all. her own jersey number is as same as akaashi. it’s not like kuroo could hate anything he did; he treated her well. akaashi was a perfect boyfriend and everyone knew. that’s why kuroo hates him; he gave him no reason to hate the dude. it didn’t last long however, they drifted apart 6 months later, sending her to kuroo’s doorstep soaked in rain.

he stared at her soaked figure with no thoughts in mind.

“he dumped me,” she said, voice hoarse and shivering.

he was alone and was about to leave for kenma’s, but he couldn’t leave her alone. dropping his keys on the small table by the door, he threw his jacket back in the closet. “come in,” he whispered, pulling her figure in. dropping her bag on the floor, she clutched on his sleeves as she kicked off her soaking shoes. “i’m sorry, my mom isn’t home and i can’t find my keys,” she was a blabbering mess and he hushed her. he left her for a few minutes, coming back with a steaming towel and a clean shirt and pants. “it’s from the dryer. you can borrow my sister’s clothes,” grabbing her hands, they ran upstairs where he took her to the bathroom. she was too quiet, so he called her name. when she looked up to him, her eyes were red. she was no longer crying, more confused and upset. her cheeks flushed and he could see her teeth chattering. he wished nothing but to throw his fist at the man. finally, he got a reason to square up the stoic man; he always hates the way nothing could riled up akaashi.

“he’s stupid for doing you like this.”

she shook her head, “it’s nobody’s fault.”

“then stop blaming yourself,” he ruffled her hair, a small smile appeared from the corner of her lips as she watched him disappeared closing the door behind him. he left her with the hot water running, urgently grabbing the mop and bucket from the kitchen, and wiping the trail of her soaked feet has left before it could ruin the wooden floor.

cant come over, busy, ill tell u later

kuroo texted kenma. the pudding head left him on read.

they spend the night together, sitting on the floor with pillows pilling against the end of the bed as they sat in arms. he had his tv opened to one of the late-night game show. they sat in silence, her head rested on his shoulder and her lips pressed into a tiny line. at the corner of his eyes, he could see her phone’s notifications blaring despite being on mute. the number isn’t saved but it was familiar. she deleted his number already, probably out of rage, but it’s a good step.

tell me where you want me to drop your stuff im sorry i hope youre okay y/n? i heard it was storming did you make it back home? give me a call im calling you okay?

just as like what the message stated, the unknown number called her. it startled her which startled him too. she stared down on the screen, he noticed the grip on the phone and wondered how the phone did not break yet. “can you answer it for me?” she said, holding the phone out to the black-haired man. shocked, he took the phone and pressed the green button. he pressed the phone to his ear and heard her name being called.

“hey man,” kuroo cleared his throat, “listen-”

“she’s with you?” the voice- akaashi asked.

looking down on the girl who was pretending to not have any interest in the call at all, eyes focused on the gameshow, kuroo sighed.

“she is. listen, i think you should leave her alone.”

“kuroo, i know about your feelings. for her. bokuto-san told me about it. if you think that this is the proper way to get her when she’s vulne-”

kuroo bit the inside of his cheeks. he was offended that akaashi dared to call him out like that. “so, what? she made her pick,” the girl turned to face him, brows up wondering what they are talking about.

“that’s low, even for you, kuroo-san.”

their eyes met. he didn’t even realize how deep the cut on his palm where he had balled his fingers into a fist until she touched it. he calmed down. “you hurt her. you have no right to say what’s low or not. be a bigger man, leave her alone,” he muttered flatly, before ending the call. they didn’t break eye contact until he realized what he had done.

“i-i shouldn’t have done that.”

she shook her head, “stop blaming yourself,” a small smile on her face.

that was 3 months ago.

kuroo had made moving on easy for her. akaashi and her remained friendly, although kuroo noticed that she tended to avoid him when possible. the breakup was indeed mutual, but merely on the fact that he lost feelings. akaashi had fallen out of love with her and in love with some other girl but who was she to judge when she was falling in love with the rooster head in silence. they still hang out with bokuto and akaashi but rarely with the latter.

she made him apologized to the fukurodani’s setter too and they remained on friendly term, still practiced together whenever they have training camps together where akaashi had admitted one training night that kuroo and her looks better together. kuroo didn’t say anything, not that he knew what to reply to that (his mind scream fuck yeah we do) but shrugged at his statement. “i guess dating her made you less pain in the ass, kuroo-san,” akaashi joked as they resumed the game.

kuroo was pulled back to reality when he felt his lips brushed against something. his eyes widened when he realized what it was. a quick kiss from her. he blinked frantically, trying to comprehend what had just happened which caused the girl to laugh. “did you just?” he asked confused by what had just happened which she nodded. she bit her bottom lip to hold herself from bursting into a laugh. “god, you should see your face. it’s so stupid. and every girl called you the playboy captain huh?”

he huffed and rolled his eyes, “i am not. i’ve been loyal to one girl for many years now, she is the one who hasn’t notice me at all,” he faked his pout, refused to look her directly in the eyes, praying that she wouldn’t notice his reddening cheeks.

“she must’ve been so stupid,” she teased, her nose rubbing gently against his jawline as she rested her figure against his closer. his chin rested against her head.

“she is,” he looked down on her, his arms around her waist tighter, “i don’t think she knows this but if she leaves me, i think i’ll be so broken inside. is it selfish to say that?” a small frown appeared on her face.

“i don’t think she ever talked about leaving you.”

a grin grew on his face, “so you know who i’m talking about huh?” she fell into his trap. she rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out, calling him stupid. he studied her face, his grin softened into what yaku and his volleyball team called the kuroo is stupidly in love with y/n but refused to admit face. his fingers ran into her hair which she had been growing out in few months down to her shoulder because she thinks that he likes her better that way. the way she tried to subtly put on make up to look better that the other girls who’s shamelessly flirting with him. she was too stupid to realize that he had loved her beyond that.

he loves the rough pads on her hands from holding her paintbrushes and volleyball. he loves that she works hard for everything she’s doing be it studying, volleyball or arts, she would put her blood, sweat and tears into it. he loves that she would wait for him to buy lunch so they can eat together in class. he would buy her a box of milk which she insisted that she doesn’t need too; but he convinced it would be good for her. he wants the best for her.

he loves that all the missing clothes he’s complaining about is in the back of her closet or on her. his cream hoodie hanging behind her closet door, his random pile of t-shirts in a basket on the floor of her closet that he liked to left beside the mix pile of her shoes and his one big ass nike shoes. her room isn’t messy, it is because she kept the messiness in her closet. she also like to keep random stuff of him too. the one medal he won from a science fair hung on the headboard of her bed, the misshapen looking hand wax sculpture of their hands intertwined from a funfair where she rested a purikura of them on it and a lucky bamboo plant he gave on her birthday to compromise on the no gift rule.

“for luck,” he grinned.

unlike hers, he kept her item neatly in his drawer. your spare shirts that he borrowed and refused to return, extra towel and her toiletries, some of her drawing blocks and a small cat shaped pouch where she kept her allergies medication. mostly hidden because his annoying friends come over often and would accidentally talk about it in front of his grandparents. but, on his bedside table, he has a cup of pencils by the bed where he collected the art supplies she left behind, random markers and paintbrushes, a clay sculpture of a trinket plate she made from art club (she carved a tiny letter k in the corner beside the obvious looking genitalia drawing) and a fake plant which she was sure he will not be able to kill it.

he loves it when she wore his jersey. he lost his mind when he found out that her current season number is the same as his. he’s in love. the first time he saw her in his jersey, the number one jersey on her body was during their training. he lost concentration; mouth hung a bit. he got so flustered that he let lev served the ball straight to his head. usually, lev would be dead by now, but he doesn’t mind. his nose bled but to see her kneel beside him, clutching on his own shirt screaming how stupid he is, wiping the blood away with towel, he could only say how pretty she looked. all his teammates were startled, her included. she clutched on his collar angrily; her knees stung from when she leaped down to his side, but this idiot could only smile at her with a bloody nose. “you are fucking idiot,” she cried out angrily, pushing him away before throwing the towel on his face leaving the pleased third year laying on the floor.

he loves the way she would find a way to impress him, be it as ridiculous as the halloween costume idea she had where they’ll go as the front and end of a horse or as serious as the submitted college application to the same university he had gotten into. “you are not getting rid of me that easily, tetsu,” the evil look on her face as she clicked the submit button send shivers down his spine.

“if you leave, i think i’ll cry,” he confessed, his smile slowly died.

“kuroo tetsuro is going to cry after me?” she teased. he nodded eagerly. “does kuroo tetsuro realized that we are literally moving into the same university? i couldn’t catch a break from him,” she faked her annoyance which he playfully avenged by sending her on the floor laughing as he tickled her. tears trickled down her cheeks as she begged him to stop, screaming to get away from his grip. “please, kuroo, i’m going to pee if you don’t stop!” he obliged, tears prickled the corner of his own eyes from laughing too much. straddling her waist, he gathered her wrists in one hand over her head. “apologize and said that kuroo tetsuro is the best man in your life or i swear i’ll make you pee,” he threatened her playfully, wiggling the fingers of his free hand close to her waist. her eyes widened in fears.

“that’s not fair!”

“apologize first.”

“fine!” she pouted, “i’m sorry, i won’t make fun of you again. now get off me!”

he raised his eyebrow, “andddd?”

“annddd-” a teasing smile appeared on her face as she said the next 5 words that send him to mars and back; “i love you kuroo tetsuro.”

he froze in shock. he heard the words before but never in this way; never for him.

finally, i think i got the calculation, love you yaku! lev you’re adorable but so stupid, i love it! thank you for letting me borrow your game, kenma. you’re the best, love ya!

the grip on her wrists loosened. taking advantage of his shock state, she pushed him back, straddling him by the waist, pinning his own hands above his head, giving him the taste of his own medicine. “i’m not going to leave your sorry ass, tetsu. i hope you don’t regret it,” she leaned down, capturing his lips with a longer kiss. letting go of his wrist, her hand went immediately into his rooster hair while another cupped his cheek, deepening their kiss. she could feel his cold palm resting against her bare waist and she shuddered. between the kisses, he heard her whispering his name. “kuroo, do you love me too?” she asked so innocently with kisses between the words but the way she grabbed a handful of his hand in a fist felt so dirty, eliciting a strangled moan from the back of his throat. she pulled back, staring down on his eyes as his lips moved.

“i love you too.”

nothing in his hazel eye but sincerity. he groaned when she pulled herself out of his reach, missing her warm body as she laughed. straightening her sweater back, pulling her hair back up into a tighter ponytail before she picked up the paintbrush she dropped. the paintbrush left a white stain on the court. as if kuroo wasn’t here, whimpering underneath her a minute ago, she continued her work. “i need to finish the mural by this week and you’re not exactly helping me,” she warned him, pointing the wet brush his direction. through the corner of her eyes, he was propped on his elbows, still staring at her, causing her to blush profusely. it annoyed him that she would tease him, then leaving him high and dry. before she could crack open the new paint tin, he ignored her warning as he tackled her back into his arms.

breathless against her lips, he told her to continue later. the urgency and rawness of his voice made her putty immediately. looking up the man, she pouted her lips.

“kuroo-san,” she whined as he captured her bottom lips.

he elicited a soft moan from the girl. he grinned against her lips. a hand rested firmly beside her head while another snaked under the sweater. there will be bruise tomorrow, she was sure of it, he will make sure of it.

“it will be quick, baby. i promise.”

she has no objection.

[skunkes]

I need you to know you posting jerma memes earlier this year is what got me into this deranged manchild streamer, and now ive fallen down this rabbit hole like its gay super hell, and heading towards the bottom of the jerma ice berg. this man has stolen countless hours of my life, and as long as he exists I will never know peace. thank you for this enlightenment.

GOOD because this is literally what my life has been since april.

There are currently 13 streams in the youtube playlist where jer/ma plays vr games. The longest is 8 hrs and the shortest is 3 hrs and i got through them in under a week. Im a recluse and a NEET with so much time on their hands I've just been consuming his content nonstop for the past 8 months and its so easy bc theres so many streams to watch for fun or an old running inside joke or just bc its a game you like or because he turns facecam on and well now you cant do anything else bc you have to look upon him

I MYSELF CLDVE WRITTEN THIS ASK...IM HARD AGREEING WITH YOU 😭 im in gay super hell. As well

[shifuto]

Zexal Month 2021

since things went haywire in real life, I figured this would be the best way to participate in the event this year. I’ve been doing it since 2018, and it’s been such a pleasure to be a part of this nice fandom, we’re small but still alive! Without any more delay, let’s tackle the first week! @zexalmonth

Week 1: Welcome to Heartland City

Day 1: Who are you? Introduce yourself! When did you get into Zexal? What Fandom are you in at the moment?

you can call me shif, I prefer gender neutral pronouns. I like drawing and writing (especially adult content), video games, music, among other things. I’m extremely socially anxious and can also talk nonstop, go figures hahaha. I like when people talk to me and I promise I do not bite

finally found out when I got into Zexal and it was in 2015. I only ever watched the sub though. I read the manga for the first time last year and it was really fun

Yu-Gi-Oh! (mainly Zexal. Yes, it’s still my “current fandom”). And I’ve been reading Boku No Hero Academia and 19 Days. Early this year, I got into NBC’s Hannibal, and before that, Yashahime (Inuyasha’s spinoff). It’s difficult for me to get into new things, I usually rotate between the few fandoms I’ve been into. I’m mostly a gaming person actually hahaha probably doing something Zelda related when not busy

(did introductions last year and the year before, but there’s always something to add and changes to talk about I guess?)

Day 2: Who would you be in Zexal? Champion? Alien? Tomato? Alternatively, what part of Heartland City’s society do you find interesting?

would be a part of Astral World, but the “bad guys”. Think of the Barians, but before they got kicked out. I do not find Heartland City or the people there particularly interesting because I’m not a huge fan of futuristic/sci-fi stuff. I guess I enjoy how all kinds of people chose that place as their home, from scientists (the Tenjo family, the Arclight family), to adventurers (the Tsukumo family), and I like how that city seems to be the core of interdimensional occurrences

Day 3: What’s your favourite moment or favourite episode in the series?

episode 98 (the Dark Zexal one) will always have its place in my heart, but since I talked about it last year, guess I could talk about other of episodes I enjoy

I love all episodes in which Number 96 appears, all 12 of them T^T... it is such a shame he did not have more screen time: 20, 25 (recap), 37, 38, 89, 101, 102, 110, 111, 112 (dead), 131 (doll), 132 (doll)

I also have a soft spot for Yuma/III focused episodes such as their meeting (ep 46), their dramatic duel (eps 47-49), and when Yuma is depressed after losing Astral and III helps him (eps 112-113)

that incredible Eliphas X Yuma duel, which is one of the best and longest in the series (eps 118-121), followed by Yuma’s reunion with Astral and one of the cutest scenes in the show (eps 122-123)

really liked the episodes with Ryoga/Nasch focus in the last season, in special, his duels with IV (eps 124-126) and Yuma (eps 141-143)

Day 4: Who’s your favourite character? Which Zexal Characters would you like to meet?

oh, tough one! Guess not many things have changed from when I got into Zexal ー In 2019 and 2020, Astral was the one for me ー but maybe some things did change...!

this year I really delved deep into my love for Number 96 and I guess they’re tied in 1st place now hahahaha, I would say I like Number 96 slightly more maybe?!? And, very surprisingly, Yuma grew so much in me! Probably for all wrong reasons hahahaha

Day 5: Zexal has so many cool locations and backdrops. Where would you want to go in Zexal?

Astral World. It’s my favorite location in the show and it’s a shame they didn’t explore it as much since it only appeared so late in the last season

[readingaccountability]

the king of attolia - megan whalen turner

my playlist

final thoughts:

i love costis. i love attolia. i love eugenides and his batshit and very effective plans. the raw power... like obviously he was the protag and so was costis, but eugenides was very much the anchor of the book and his arc was central, while costis played both a central role in growing himself, and a supporting one protecting and getting to know gen. i did feel like attolia was more static in this novel, having done most of the setup and growth near the end of the one prior. everytime she was present i was glued to the page <33

costis.... i love him...... favorite trope is the royal and guard dynamic where they can banter and rely on each other and watching them grow into that was SO fucking amazing. but also the like, exhausted straightlaced guard and bitchy tiny king... OBSESSED!! and the amount of maturing they both did... i loved the one bit where it was pointed out how long ago their initial meeting punch felt, after everything that had happened since.

costis is honestly perfect for the tone of this novel, because as he gets to know and respect eugenides, it parallels how far along he is in his plans, and you can slowly see more of his mindset. by godd the reveallllll of him having promised attolia to rid her of her biggest rival house within six months, and then doing it in like three months... literally there is no word for it other than sexy. he is a sexy awful conniving little man and he is so steadfastly loyal i can barely wrap my head around it. im PASSING AWAY.

and also costis as a pov character for intimacy between the king and queen is like, so deeply heart eyes. they spend such a long time obfuscating things (eugenides visiting her in the dark of night, incognito... im obsessed. the element of public vs private difference in interaction). costis, their loyal protector... at last understanding the truth of their regard for each other. sobbing

there are so many moments between them ive been thinking about nonstop. the part where he flinches from her in surprise and shes hurt for a moment, and then he kisses her in front of everyone and. hold on let me hunt down the quote because scream:

“The king lifted a hand to her cheek and kissed her. It was not a kiss between strangers, not even a kiss between a bride and groom. It was a kiss between a man and his wife, and when it was over, the king closed his eyes and rested his forehead in the hollow of the queen's shoulder, like a man seeking respite, like a man reaching home at the end of the day.”

!!!! like damn!!! also there was that passage where theyre dancing in front of the court and the language was so gorgeous i just. such a striking mental image is now going to be in my head forever <3

the scene as hes drunk on the roof and costis gets called to coax him back in, god that was so good. the themes of him interacting with the gods are always one of my favorite parts of these books, and honestly this was my favorite scene so far that centers on that. like Fuck Dude. absolutely sublime. my mental image of him dangling in midair as the gods tell him to go to bed still has me in stitches honestly, but also it was so weighty. i think thats one of my favorite things about these books, is that theyre so entertaining and smart and have emotional depth, often all in the same moment!!

also this just occurred to me but like, the way costis (and everyone really) is really shaken after the encounter with the gods, really reminded me of book one, when eugenides is unwilling to fully explain what had happened in the temple, and could feel their favor weighing on him. i think the narrative mentions how costis for a moment knew that the world was thin like paper and the only real thing present was the god holding eugenides up, or something along those lines, and that was really intense!

and! the sparring at the end!! i loved that ultimately everybody had a hand in bringing eugenides to the mental place of accepting the mantle of leadership, and that he did that by finally showing himself. (losing my mind when he knelt to her after the sparring and called her 'my queen' and she responded 'my king' like aaaah!! how long was she waiting and hoping to say that...)

the scene in the guards bath at the end was incredible, and equally impressive. something about openness symbolized in him being naked and thus not having the smoke and mirrors anymore, especially contrasted with book two where hes still coming to terms with the loss of his hand!! and then explaining his scars to his guard, teleus vowing to protect him... so good!!

so yeah. holy FUCK does this series just keep getting better.

[kuromichad]

man sometimes you realize youve spent days on end doing mindless non-tasks while idly thinking about how everything is bad and nothing ever gets better and youre not excited by anything or hopeful for anything and kinda dont like it when other people express any kind of wonderment or ‘excessive’ optimism because it makes you flinch and etc etc etc and then finally it clicks like... oh bro you have depression huh... i feel like every month or two i rediscover the concept of depression because i forget there are more types than like ‘letting a plain tortilla fall out of your mouth’ or ‘crying frequently’. even though i think the irritable cynical type is what i have the most often.

ive been very hostile to any kind of like sympathy in the form of ‘2020-onward has been hard for literally everyone’ or like ‘youve been dealing with a lot’ because im like. that cant be true because i’m lucky that no one in even my extended family has gotten covid and my parents and grandparents i leech off of are already retired/work from home and like. between stimulus and cares act stuff ive had more money in the past year than in like my whole life. and even though it’s been difficult due to Phone Calls and dealing with incompetent people i did get to start hrt. so really i’m very spoiled and i guess (clearly) i resent myself for that. 

but all of this still um. sucks? like to just. every single day have to hear bad news and then see 300 slightly different posts in reaction to the bad news that just really drive in how bad everything is. you get like ten minutes to laugh about ‘reddit steals money from wall street via gamestop’ before then having to see people repeat over and over how doomed and miserable it is that ‘the government is letting people die but will rush to help the stock market’ and its like i know. i know. i know. the worst possible thing is always what’s going to happen and there’s no levity in the world without a bitter aftertaste. it’s great. i’m used to feeling this way about my own life but it really is hard to have it driven in so incessantly and deeply regarding just, the whole universe, for almost a year, with no end in sight. everything is bad every single thing has a rotten core. 

i feel unbelievably fucking stupid for it but i feel like probably the hardest thing for me, like the most insidiously damaging, in the past year has been like. ok so. we all know i’m a cringe ass nae nae Disney Adult. i have no desire to like, actively behave like one, but i know in >current year to like any disney anything at all in public past age ten is considered like peak braindead behavior. and i understand Why and it’s not like i disagree that Disney Is Bad. but for me disney parks have always been a bit different, a bit removed from whatever bad movie or shitty corporate move, there’s a more genuine spirit there right, whatever, youve seen me go on about this before. but this year its very very clear theyre uh. behaving evilly with the parks now too. i’m exposed to constant discourse about this because of having a Disney Family who likes to watch Disney Vloggers constantly (yes yes i know youre sending missiles to my house ouuhhh the cringe oh it burns i deserve this oooh) and having to hear these people whine nonstop about why doesnt disneyland reopen wah wah, and reading about the massive cast layoffs, and just. yknow. disney acting how everyone who wasnt stupid like me expected them to act. it’s made it impossible to engage with the whole concept of theme parks which was obviously a major interest for me, probably (pathetically) pretty much the only ‘non-fandom’ interest i have, one of the few arenas i could actually picture myself Having A Job in and actually being happy, basically the only thing ive ever like cornily waxed poetic about in posts the way other people on here rhapsodize about the moon or gay kissing or the found family trope or whatever, Ugh Cringe. 

and i just cant have that anymore. i cant bear to think about my, like, Special Interest anymore, because everything on earth comes back to how theres money involved and everything about how we deal with money is evil and people are always suffering and corporations are always ruining everything and nothing ever ever ever ever gets better nothing will ever be okay. and having that in the back of your mind nonstop, with constant external affirmation, is like. not good for you. like i think maybe... guys... im maybe allowed to be depressed. even if i dont like, know anyone whos died. (my paternal grandma did die last spring but it wasn’t covid.) This is a great revelation to arrive at. i don’t know what to do with it now though. like it does feel good to be able to blame something like it’s external, like ohh okay i feel bad this week (the past two months) (the past year) (my whole life) Because Of Depression, but it doesn’t... solve it. it’s not preventing next week from being differently bad in a way that it’ll take me a while to recognize yet again. but like at least im not suicidal like 2018 <3 im just. frustrated and sad.

i also kinda dont know why i’m posting about this. i guess i don’t really talk on here anymore but i also feel like i’ve been exhausting my friends lately with my bad moods and in particular, my need to Talk About everything. (theoretically i know that being a person who copes by venting/needs to talk through their feelings is like, a value neutral thing, people are just different from each other. but since a percentage lower than 100 of my friends are not the same way i decide oh okay this is evil and revolting.) so im just kinda. getting it out. here’s how im doing, how about you,

[shhhhyoursister]

hi ahh i got tagged by my lovely pal @brisingr-iettauthr (ronan ily) to do this top 5 list thing so im gonna!!! do it before the year ends!!!! ive still got like 12 whole hours!!!

top 5 films (warning i dont know movies at all so im gonna do my best lmao and count movies that i watched for the first time in 2019)

1. spider-man: into the spider-verse (holy fuck this is the best movie of all time)

2. moonlight (i technically saw this in theaters but it deserves to be mentioned)

3. dumplin’ (i just thought it was?? so cute??)

4. fahrenheit 11/9 (super good documentary about some aspects of just how fucked up america is rn :))

5. the miseducation of cameron post (super hard to watch, super well done)

top 5 series

1. druck (i dont even have to go into it)

2. schitt’s creek (the funniest show on television no i will not accept criticism)

3. american vandal (also one of the funniest shows out there)

4. pose (beautiful cast beautiful characters beautiful storytelling)

5. when they see us (fucking heartbreaking docuseries about the exonerated 5 take a peek if you wanna see one of the most fucked up cases of innocent people being incarcerated in america)

top 5 1 books (i dont read enough its so bad i just never have time but ive got one book i can suggest)

1. aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe (oh my god just read it)

top 5 songs (i dont know current music besides a few very specific atists so this is also gonna be a couple songs i heard for the first time this year)

1. blessings - tom walker (one of my fave druck songs wow wow wow)

2. old town road - lil nas x (thanks for the country bop written by a black gay man that would also keep the attention of all of my campers for however long we played it)

3. truth hurts - lizzo (the most fun song to sing in the entire world)

4.  prosecco - jacob banks (not only is this song great and from druck but its become like an inside joke with my irl friends i love it)

5. everybody wants to love you - japanese breakfast (this song is jsut a vibe tbh)

top 5 6 positive things that happened this year (this is nice i need this)

1. after working extremely hard for months i got hired to be on the executive board of a really big organization on my campus, and since being on that board ive had an amazing time and gotten to do so many cool things!! and i did all the work for it myself!!!! im super fucking proud of that!!!!

2. along the same lines i got hired as an ra for next semester which is so so so nice and really validating and im super excited to meet all my residents and get to know them and just have an amazing semester :,)

3. ive somehow become part of a very tight knit group of friends at my school, with people who i wasnt really expecting to get super close with, but the four of us have been keeping each other going for months and i would not be a person without them and i just love those uglies a lot :,)

4. i got??? a DOG??????? like me and my mom adopted the sweetest and cutest and best and most perfect dog in the world?? her name is sasha (full name sasha velour yes like the super fucking awesome nonbinary drag queen) and shes really just the most perfect creature on the planet :)) 

5. i watched druck?? thats pretty big?? and not only did i find a show that means more to me than any piece of media ive ever watched before, it also gave me an outlet for all the pent up writing energy ive had for the last like 6 years, and brought me into this amazing fandom that ive grown to love literally so freaking much!!!!! ive made so many amazing friends through this show and its really just been one of the best things that happened to me this year <3

6. going along with that kinda like just the fact that i started writing again is?? pretty big?? when i was a kid, and im talking like 8 and onward i used to write all the fucking time, like was always sat in front of the computer writing something and that stopped when i was in high school because i got too busy!! so im super fucking grateful for the people in the dod who pushed me to write this summer, and also to YALL that have been nonstop hyping me up since?? like you guys dont understand how validating it is for me, this really has been one of the best things to come out of 2019 for me

im gonna tag the other Gays (tm) @theyellowcurtains, @chlouais, @navollidiot, @davenziabend, @vildelesbianqueen, @sourflorenzi, @rimbaux, @bagels-and-seagulls!!!! i love you all AH!!!!!!!

[jenniez-tv]

HIPEC surgery (warning - photos of my abdomen after surgery will be shown)

The night before surgery I was on clear liquids only.. that was hard when all my family members kept talking about food and dessert.. the stomach growl was real. Haha. I spent the night playing mahjong with my family up until I had to pack and get ready to leave the house. An all nighter. Weeee. I really didn’t care to sleep since I don’t usually sleep til the morning anyways and I would be sleeping a lot in the hospital so it was whatever.

My aunt, mom, and I leave to go to the hospital around 4am (super early). We arrive, I’m sent to preop to get ready and I am super nervous.. I realized I forgot to take my anti anxiety Med before leaving the house.. UGH. I ask the nurse if she can ask the doc to give me one while I’m waiting and she said the Anesthesologist can give me something when they are ready to wheel me to the OR. Like wtf? How is that helpful? Why would I need anxiety meds right before I go to sleep for the freaking surgery?!? I need it for the 2hrs of waiting!!! She didn’t even bother to ask! Ughhhh.. like why? She is supposed to be an advocate for me.. Was not happy with her.. then she told me to relax.. HAHA. Glad I won’t see her again. Rude.

Me waiting at preop

Anywho.. next thing I know I’m awake in PACU. I’m groggy and in pain.. and of course felt myself up all over my abdomen to make sure I didn’t get a ileostomy bag. Thank god I did not! I did have a jp drain though. The Dr said he removed the organs he planned on-the uterus, ovaries, omentum, gallbladder along with 3 small things he found in my abdomen. I have no idea where and how big they were. They don’t think they are tumors but the pathology results have not come back yet.. feels like forever waiting for results.. either way, im glad it was found and removed. (Update- the results came back benign! Negative for cancer!)

I’m moved to the ICU and get hooked up to so much equipment. I stayed in the ICU for 2.5days. I had 2 iv’s, an arterial line, Foley catheter, NG tube, JP drain and a wound vac. My throat hurt so damn bad.. every time I swallowed it hurt.. that NG tube fked up my throat. I was also a not allowed eat or drink anything for 2 days until they took it out. I could not wait! Post op day 1 was a killer for me. Just trying to sit up made me cry. They wanted me to walk down the hall while pushing the wheelchair. I literally looked like a old person who has the hump back and couldnt stand straight while walking. The poor nurses were pretty much holding my weight lol. Even helping me scoot up on the bed hurt. My family said my entire body and face was super swollen . I just pictured the scene in Willy wonka and the chocolate factory where that girl turned into a huge blueberry. 🤭 I think the most annoying part of ICU was when they kept giving me blood pressure medication and IV fluids to increase my blood pressure. I normally have low BP like 80-90/50-60 told everyone. Apparently the Med surg unit (Unit I would be at until I get discharged) doesn’t like BP’S under 90. I mean seriously, I can’t be the only one with normal low BP’s.. With all the fluids during and after surgery.. I was 15lbs heavier. Ahh! I know it’s all water weight but damn that’s a lot of water weight. They also gave me potassium and it was so uncomfortable on my veins. Anyone can tell you it hurts..even when it’s diluted. It fked up my veins where on The last night in the ICU I had to get one of my IV’s replaced because anything that went through it (even saline) hurt . It was hurting even if nothing was running.

Anyways, I get cleared and transfer up to the medsurg unit. I was actually feeling pretty good considering just having surgery. I get my NG tube removed and am allowed teeny bits of water/ice. FINALLY. My throat can now get better! By the time I transferred I was making laps around the unit. I also get my wound vac removed. It was so painful because I developed a lot of blisters on the edges of the tape from the wound vac. It looked pretty gross. (Picture below). When they removed it, all the blisters broke and they even rubbed over it pulling the skin off. Then, one of my ivs stopped working so it had to be taken out. Luckily this unit only requires one IV not two like the ICU so I didn’t need it replaced.

Picture of the blisters

Picture of my incision with the wound vac and the jp drain.

Picture of my incision and blisters after wound vac removed

The next morning is where everything went downhill. I got super nauseous and eventually threw up 900cc of bile. My temp was around 101 degrees, and eventually got up to 103. I also had other signs/symptoms that showed that I got septic to something. I had to be transferred back to the ICU. Because they were not 100% sure where the infection came from (they had 2 guesses) I got 2 antibiotics that would treat both areas. My white blood cell count also dropped dramatically to 0.98 and my anc 0.74. This means that I was very susceptible to getting more infections. People had to wear a mask when they come to my room and I had to wear one when I left the room. The good news is my fever went away pretty quickly and I started feeling better. My wbc kept going up and down... I’m hoping it keeps trending up because I cannot leave the hospital until my wbc goes up and becomes stable. EEP.

While I was back in the ICU I had to get a second iv placed.. so now I have had 4 iv’s so far not including the arterial line). I’m connected to all the machines again and it takes forever for me to get to the bathroom since they have to disconnect all the monitors and attach it to a portable one so they made me use a bedside commode instead. Bedside commode?!?! The thought is just gross. I’m peeing and pooping in a room with just a curtain blocking the view. What if someone walked in to talk to me in the middle of my session? It was so nerve wrecking. I’ve cleaned up patients bedside commodes before and it’s fine but now can say that I really understand why patients apologized all the time.

After another 2 days in the icu and being septic.. And another iv needing to be replaced bc it infiltrated.. (apparently my veins are mad weak from all the meds and chemo) (now iv #5) I am finally better to go back to the Med surg unit. I’m transferred back and it feels so nice to use abnormal bathroom again. I’m still only allowed clear fluid and honestly.. even that was hard to do. I had to drink a minimum of 800cc a day and it was a struggle. So many days of not eating and drinking screwed me up. Plus I kept having this underlying nausea that just wouldn’t go away. It turned out I had a small ileus as well- A complication that can happen from abdominal surgery.

Everyday I got blood drawn twice a day.. and lovenox which is a blood thinner to prevent blood clots. Prior to lovenox, they were giving me heparin (which is 3 times a day..). My body was full of bruises all over.

Picture of some of the bruises on my arms. I had a bunch on my thighs too..

Anywho, I’m finally allowed to eat.. and man that was more of a struggle than drinking.. I would take one or two bites and be done.. it didn’t help that the hospital food was completely disgusting.. even simple foods you think they can’t mess up on.. was just gross. I was asked by family what I felt like eating so they can bring it.. but honestly I had no appetite at all. Completely different from when I was on steroids and eating nonstop.. lol. But I tried.. hard.. to eat and drink enough. They wanted to start me on tpn which is the total nutrition through a central line.. and I was not about to have it. I gave a hard hell no.

I could barely sleep.. it just felt like my stomach was being pulled or stretched apart when I moved.. was woken up non stop for meds/ vitals.. when I was able to doze off.. my days pretty much consisted of eating, taking a couple laps around the unit, napping, and repeat. I was still getting some iv fluids to help keep me hydrated.. and of course.. another iv infiltrates.. and another iv had to get started... I had a total of 6iv’s and an arterial line.. it was utterly ridiculous.. I had no more places for ivs! And I freaking hate ivs and getting poked.. but that’s all I got during this stay.. so many I lost count.. sigh..

On and off during my stay but especially the last couple of days, I had severe lower right abdomenal pain that was sharp and jabby. I prevented me from moving at all.. it was downright horrible and worse than my incision.. no one knew what it was from but I guessed maybe the drain that was inside.. I got a ct scan done and it didn’t show anything there but the drain so I got it removed.. the pain immediately disappeared!! It was such a relief!! No pain meds helped at all.. not even the slightest.. so having that relief felt so good. The drain coming out though.. felt like so much pressure and it felt like the spot that hurt was getting pulled on. I swear that drain was stuck there or something.. it was a good amount in my stomach.. I didn’t realize how much of the drain just sat in there.. kinda gross. And yes, I watched the whole thing... hahah.

Another complication I have is that my left upper thigh is numb.. and has been numb.. it never got and still hasn’t gotten any better.. I thought it was the duramorph I got during surgery but after a week it seemed unlikely.. the dr says that it’s most likely because the retractor they used to hold my abdomen opened was pressed on my thigh nerve since I’m smaller than the average patient and dmged it from it being compressed for 8hrs.. he says it will take weeks to months for my leg to return to normal.. hopefully.. but that there is a chance it won’t.. god I hope it comes back. It feels so weird and annoying to have the top of my thigh permanently numb ...

Finally my wbc is stable and continuing to trend upward (although still low) and I’m allowed to go home.. I could not wait to see my babies (my dogs), my family, and just sleep in my own bed!!

Sorry, I know this post was all over the place... i wrote parts of it at different times.. which is why some seems present and some past tense.. and I’m honestly not in the mood to go and fix it all. I will post again how my recovery is going at home soon.

Thank you all for your love and support. ❤️

[petrichor-princess]

i can not post this anywhere but here

im pregnant and i absolutely hate it, this entire time ive hated it, i want it to fucking end, im honestly surprised i havent tried to kill myself during the past few months, I wake up in the middle of the night in sheer panic punching my temples, I haven't been sober this long since i was 13 years old (im 25 now), my heart is failing, they say i won't live another year or so without having to have some kind of heart surgery, im in so much pain, i don't even believe the baby daddy cares about me or this baby and just likes to keep appearances up, the first 3 months being pregnant I was either sleeping outside or sleeping at the baby daddy's watching people shoot up nonstop, had to get away to stay clean, staying at my moms which is jdjdjdjidjjf, i haven't lived with her longer than a month or so since I was 16 because i can hardly stand to be around that long, I have no friends, hardly anyone talks to me or comes and sees me for that matter, i can't even work or DO FUCKING AJYTHING BECAUSE IM PREGNANT AND IN SO MUCH PAIN......

but I love him so much, my baby, i will do anything for him, he's all i have, 8 months of this miserable shit and im so close, I'm so fucking close to having him here in my arms, i want this all to be over, i really wasn't made to be the mom type, i fucking hate being pregnant, and dear god I'll never go through this again, and ill possibly die bringing him into this world, but I love him more than myself, more than anything.. when i give him a little poke to say hi and he pokes back at me, it makes everything around me melt away.. im so close to making all of this worth it.. so close..

[chubsjiminiie]

Bʀᴇᴀᴋ Mʏ Hᴇᴀʀᴛ 🌙 pt 11

~тaeнyυng х reader~ yoongι х reader ~ ~ Something

~ prev ||  next

a/n: this is personally one of my favorite writings ive done... 

requests are open

Your phone vibrates and dings from your bedside table, you turn to look at it and question if you REALLY want to check it. Who in their right mind texts you during your special time of binge watching (insert fave show here). Another ding interrupts a punchline that you couldn’t catch because you were too distracted to pay attention. Grunting you roll towards the bedside table and check who was being a little devil tonight.

“Oh,” you say out loud and smile.

It was from the boys group chat without Taehyung, they were announcing that they changed the gc name to TaeY/n. Ever since you confessed the truth they wanted to nonstop try and “accidentally” make you and Tae to hang out together. Jungkook even suggested you to come over and help him “cook” but in reality you’d be hiding out together awaiting Tae’s arrival from work or class.

*You guys are so dumb. But I love you all.* you texted back.

*Incoming facetime call from.. Yoongi Oppa😎*

“Y/n!!!!!!!!!” you hear a smol bean, Jimin yell from the phone.

“Hi Chimmy!” a smile appears on your face.

“Hey babe,” Yoongi pops his head next to Jimin’s.

“Oh my min kitty... I knew you wouldn’t let Chimmy use your phone just to call me.”

“ACTUALLY, you won’t believe when I tell you this but-” Jimin says.

“Friday. our place. party. be here.” Yoongi says cutting off Jimin’s long response.

“Hyung, you said I could invite her,”

“Jimin you were taking years.”

“Fine hmph.”

“Is Taehyung invited?” you say nervously.

“Well, we were going to ask invite him next.”

“Oh.. I don’t know guys. I haven’t seen him in like days and we have some of the same classes.”

“He’s just being dumb, Y/n. You should come and confront him or just talk to him.”

“Jimin, I doubt he’ll even come close to me.”

“Please babe. I need you here. Last party I almost made a huge mistake.”

“Oh? And you never told me!?”

“I will if you come...”

“Alright, I might make an appearance.”

“Ew I hated that response, but yay because we get to spend time with you.”

And just like that the conversation died and you laid in your bed. Mind racing and a million thoughts running through your head you look up to your ceiling. Has all this even been worth it? He seems further from your reach than before; before you had him at an arm's length away at all times. If he wasn’t physically there he could be in a matter of minutes because he’d never hesitate to come over if you texted him “I need you.” At times it confused you, if you’re just best friends, why is he so willing to drop anyone or anything to come running straight to you? But then you think back at all the times you’ve asked him this very question and he just replies with a simple, “Because nothing’s more important than your happiness.” Thinking about him felt like running around on track, constantly going in circles, never having an end to your emotions. Loving him felt so right though, it felt like a perfect fit, the perfect man, the perfect feeling.

There were times when he’d just talk and talk and you would stare at his face memorizing every single feature and how his face moves when he speaks. How his mouth stretches into a boxy smile every time he thought he was being funny. How his eyes would wrinkle at the corners as the apples of his cheeks rose up to his eyes. How a nice light shade of pink was permanently on his cheeks and a cute little freckle on the tip of his nose. If you were both really upset, he’d sing. In those moments you’d embrace him in a nice long hug as you laid down on either your bed or his, and listen to his beautiful voice. You’d always tell him he could become famous with a voice like his but he’d just shake his head and say he doesn’t want that. If he becomes famous, he wants it to be because he was able to show others how he sees the world; all the beautiful but also all the ugly.

You felt so over dramatic thinking about these moments as if they weren’t just a couple months ago. You hadn’t properly talked in two weeks, yet it feels like years. You had gotten attached (something you always wished wouldn’t happen because you knew he was out of reach) romantically.

Turning on your side you remember a conversation you had last year at the beginning of the school year. Out of curiosity, you asked him what he’s planning to do about dating and girls - to see if you had a chance. He said he didn’t want a relationship, not now at least, he wanted to have fun and mess around. He said he tried the relationship thing and it didn’t work out well because he felt unhappy. You tried telling him it was only because he never cared for this girl and she didn’t care about him. But he disagreed, he said he rather mess around and not have any feelings for a girl in that way and not have anyone feel that way for him. You tried to understand what he was saying but you just couldn’t. A little hurt you try to make light of the situation and say that he’ll have a lot of girls feeling that way. He laughed and said “I hope not.”

Finally your mind has let you drift off into a deep sleep, allowing you to have a moment without Taehyung always on your mind.

*Fast forward*

The week has finally come to an end and the weekend has begun. Your first plan for the weekend is to attend Yoongi and Jimin’s party; which in all honesty doesn’t sound like fun. After skipping out on last week’s, the boys really tried to push you to come so you could stop moping about Taehyung but it didn’t make sense to you. He’d be there so your mind would very clearly wander to think of him and constantly watching him. However, here you are getting ready and texting the TaeY/n group chat what should you wear.

Jimin asked you to come earlier because he wanted help to set up because Yoongi refused to even help set up. His excuse was that he had to charge for at least 2 hours before being used. On your way to their place you notice a car just like Taehyung’s driving behind you, at a red light you look at the rearview mirror to see a better glimpse of the car. Instead you see a blank expression faced Tae sitting behind the wheel staring hard at the light above. You giggle for second until it hits you, you’re turning into Jimin and Yoongi’s neighborhood.

“Oh god no.” You shake your head and put your head down knowing this is all the guys meddling into your life.

Suddenly, a loud beep scares you and you look up, the light had turned green and Tae had honked for you to stop being a dumbass and go. You pull up to the place and park, right behind you is Taehyung and you see that not until now has he realized it’s you. He waits for you to shut off your car first and get out first so you don’t have an awkward encounter at the door or even just outside where you both had parked. You act as if you had no idea and make your way up the door steps and knock on the door. Not even a second later Jimin opens the door with a huge smile on his face, he pulls you into a hug and grabs a hold of your hand pulling you. You look around at what Jimin had done to get the place ready, and you notice their living room had the coffee table filled with blacklights and blacklight reactive paint.

He sees you scanning everywhere and he speaks up, “This is probably the one and only time hyung will agree to a party here, so why not go all out and have the best one of the year.”

“I like your thinking Jiminie.” You hear a deep raspy voice from behind you.

“That’s why I’m the greatest!” He walks up to the voice, “Welcome Taehyung.”

“So, you just need me to set up the lights or like make the jungle juice?” you awkwardly say as you look up to Jimin with wide eyes.

He smiles evilly, “Actually, if I’m not wrong, you and Tae make the best jungle juice so if this is going to be the best party of the year, we need to have the best of everything.”

“Alright,” Tae agrees.

Without another word the both of you make your way to the kitchen and you look back at Jimin, all he does and give you two thumbs up and mouths “I love you”. In the kitchen, you start to look around for the regular drinks you use to make the jungle juice Jimin speaks of.

“How strong do you think we should make it?” Tae speaks up.

“Uh.. I don’t know. How big of a mess is too big for them?”

you try to be as nonchalant as possible.

“So extra strong!”

“Mhm”  

You grab the big bottle of lemonade and a fruit punch bottle to pour in the bowl; Tae grabs a Vodka bottle and a tequila bottle. Deciding extra strong Tae grabs one more vodka bottle and asks you to pour another fruit punch into the mix to mask the alcohol taste.

“So how have you been? Haven’t seen much of you these last two weeks.” You say as you finish.

“I’ve been pretty busy honestly. But I’ve been good. And you?”

“Pretty boring. I’ve spent most of my time here or at our parents house, you know Namjin.”

“Oh. I figured you were having fun since I’ve seen you go out with Yoongi like every single day.”

“Nope. We’ve only gone out like 3 days in a row. I only spend so much time here because Jimin enjoys (show here) as much I do. I tried asking you to come but you kept saying you couldn’t.”

“Mm. Yeah actually, I was with someone most nights you asked...”

“Oh? Do I know this someone?”

“Doubt it. I met her at the party we had at my place. 2 weeks ago.”

“Mm that’s cool.”

“Yeah”

“Well I’m going to try and disconnect Yoongi from the charger to see if he’s ready to pregame with me.”

“Uh oh o-okay”

You walk away and turn to go up to Yoongi’s room, Jimin sees you walking out without a smile on your face as he expected you to be. He decided against asking what happened to try and avoid Tae from listening in. As you reach the door to Yoongi’s room, there’s a quiet melody playing on the other side, he’s probably still asleep you think. You knock softly in order to not disturb him.

“Come in”

“Hi Kitty oppa. You should’ve warned me he’d be here so I could’ve come straight up here and charged with you.” You sit next to him at the edge of his bed.

“It was all Jimin’s and the other’s idea. I was too lazy to disagree or give warnings. Sorry babe.” He sits up and kisses your forehead.

“You know, he told me that he’s been with the same girl for two weeks. That’s a new record. His last record was 5 hours, and that’s only because he really wanted to try fucking her with different ties on to see if it changed how it felt.”

“This is the man you want to be your boyfriend? Geez babe. He’s a little cooky don’t you think?”

“Oh for sure! But it’s what makes me be into him even more.”

“Oh little one, how cute and innocent. I’m going to engulf you into cuddles and my love to cheer you up now.” And with that he hugs you tightly and pulls you into his chest.

His arms are tightly wrapped around your body and he’s pulling you up to lay correctly next to him on the bed. You’re facing each other and your faces are so close you can feel his breathing on your forehead.

Out of nowhere you feel his warm lips on the tip of your nose and he softly whispers, “I know he’s technically your bestest friend out of all of us, but I think I’m stealing his position. Also please don’t fall for me because I can’t hurt you like that. I’m letting you know right now, I have feelings for someone else.”

You pull away, “Ew gross Yoongi! Feelings?! But you don’t have to worry kitty. If I could I’d fall for you but I just don’t feel it in me.”

“Good. I love you, but very platonically. You’re like the other half of me, but like very very platonically.”

“Ugh I get it. I’M JUST A FRIEND!”

“The bestest though.” again his lips kiss your nose. “He’s so dumb you know. He really thinks he can lie like that and say he’s been with some girl when Jungkook clearly told us he’s been binge watching disney princess movies all week.”

“Are you serious?”

“Mhmm. He’s been blasting the soundtracks and referencing them as much as he can.”

“Kitty, I don’t want to drink too much today. So lets pregame and get buzzed.”

“Okay babe whatever my little y/n wants.”

You both get up out of bed and you make your way through the door letting him know you’ll be downstairs so he can change.

As soon as you reach the first floor the door swings open and your other four best friends walk right in and make their presence known. They all huddle around you and give you a warm hug. You giggle and greet each of them.

Now that they’re here the party is about to begin and in a matter of minutes the hundreds of college students that have become all too familiar will fill up their house. Yoongi makes his way down and the boys greet him with a smile and start to ask him to pregame before anyone arrives.

“Come on Y/n!” He says as he grabs your hand leading you to the kitchen.

From a distance you see Tae staring at you with yet another blank expression but all you do is turn to look at him with a smile. You take a couple shots of the leftover tequila and pour yourself a cup of jungle juice. Tae walks in and does the same but chugs the jungle juice in one go, the guys and you look at him in shock.

“What? Jimin said it had to be the best so I’m going to get really fucked up tonight.”

“Well if you are, you’re either staying here or I’m driving you home.” Hoseok said taking a sip of his water, “I’ve been made dd tonight so give me your car keys.”

You couldn’t help but look at him, he was so beautiful. His cocky attitude was so present though, you knew he wanted to get on your nerves and bother you tonight. For two weeks he had managed to avoid you as much as possible, ignore most of your texts and calls, miss classes you both shared, not come to group hangouts when you were there. After Yoongi told you he hadn’t really been busy, you couldn’t help but feel even more hurt. A piece of you though took it as a sign he was extremely jealous and mad at you for spending so much time with another guy that wasn’t him, but also a guy he’s seen you do non-friendly actions with.

On the other side we have Taehyung and his messy, messy, thoughts. From the moment he realized you were driving in front of him his body stiffened and he couldn’t help but feel a little scared. He knew he had been dumb and avoiding you, his best friend, for way too long but he couldn’t help it. Every time he’d look at you, or think about you, or see your name anywhere, memories of your lips against Yoongi’s would fill his mind. It confused the hell out of him because it wasn’t like it was just a flashback, it came with emotions he hadn’t had for another girl before. Feelings he didn’t want, not right now. Feelings he felt weren’t right. The first night he saw you guys kiss he walked away and felt a sharp pain against his chest and his head began to spin. From that night he couldn’t let it go, even when you’d say it meant nothing, he didn’t want you hooking up with someone he knew so well.

Every night he laid in bed watching your favorite movies, eating your favorite snacks, while wearing your favorite hoodie of his. He missed you so badly but refused to talk to you or see you. He tried everything to get over his little moping session but he couldn’t. He was lost and confused. He never imagined he could feel his heart beat for another person, and have that person be you. He knew he was jealous, he knew that he was falling for you, he knew you meant a lot to him but he didn’t want to accept it. It wasn’t new either. From the moment he had become your best friend he knew he fell for you; dropping whatever he was doing to come to you.

He didn’t lie when he said your happiness was more important than anything else. But it was a little too late to admit his feelings for you; he had become the biggest dick and fuckboy around campus. He didn’t want you to be with a guy like him, not ever; you deserved so much better he thought. Standing in that kitchen watching you laugh with Yoongi hurt him more than he liked to admit so he began to drink. As the party started up and most of the people arrived he kept drinking, and kept his eyes on you.

You had been watching him the entire night take shot after shot, drinking more than usual. Since you’re pretty sober you decide maybe you should go up and talk to him and try your best to act as if nothing has happened, once again. Before you make your way to Taehyung you feel someone tap your shoulder.

Turning to see who it could be you see a smiling Hobi and leans down to your ear, “I’ve been watching him too. Let’s go together so you don’t feel overwhelmed.”

You smile up at him and agree, “Thank you Hobi oppa.”

When you reach him he smiles at the both of you and loudly says, “Heyyy!”

“You’re so drunk Taehyung-ah” Hobi giggles.

“I feel great tho! Look at how everyone’s shirts are lighting up,” he points to the people.

“How much have you drank?” you ask.

“I don’t know I lost count after my fourth shot,” he shrugged and leaned against the wall behind him.

The other guys must have noticed the three of you talking because they all came to join you. They began to talk about school and how frustrating studying for midterms had become. Even though there was loud house music playing and hundreds of drunk college kids all around, you guys seemed to be in your element. Joking around and just talking like the usual hangout, only with paint all over your faces. You hadn’t noticed but Taehyung was staring at you for most of the conversation, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of you. He felt so happy being able to see your face again, all its beauty, feeling his heartbeat began to slow down despite all the alcohol in his system. You seemed to have that effect on him, being around you calmed him down, always.

It could’ve been the alcohol in his bloodstream affecting his reactions and judgement or the fact that he just wanted to hold you; but he walked up to you and lent down to whisper in your ear.

“I’m really in the mood to dance. Wanna join me?” he stands straight again awaiting your response.

You look up at him in shock, “Uh- uh s-sure.”

He smiles and reaches for your hand intertwining your fingers, leading you to the makeshift dance floor in the living room. You turn around to see the reactions of your best friends and they all have the same cute dumb smile planted on their faces. Yoongi is even cheering but you can’t hear it because of the music.

On the dance floor Tae awkwardly waits for you to move first to see how close he’s allowed to get. At first you’re both facing each other and just sort of moving to the music but it felt weird. You begin to laugh and he does too.

“This is so weird right? It’s like we don’t even know each other,” he screams over the music.

“I know, we’re being too awkward. You don’t mind if I take the lead?”

“No I was hoping you would. I don’t want to do anything you aren’t okay with.”

Such a gentleman you thought. You turn around and press your back into his chest, and he slowly wraps his arms around your waist speaking into your ear to see if that’s okay. You just nod and allow your body to feel the music. He begins to move along with you trying his best to not be how he usually is with girls and let you control anything that happens. Having him so close felt so great, it felt like maybe things would change now. Your mind finally calmed down and nothing really mattered in that moment. Sure what you were doing wasn’t that romantic but being in his arms was all you wanted in the last two weeks.

Having you on him moving along to the music he couldn’t help but to smile so big. He was happy, he had the girl he couldn’t stop thinking about around his arms. Maybe he was overreacting, maybe this could work. This could be something, he could change his dickhead ways to be with her. He wasn’t really that bad to begin with, always respectful to women; he just slept around and didn’t care about the consequences.

He felt your small hands come on top of his and you intertwine your fingers together, you get as close as possible to him having your ass press against his waist. Your head began to run wild with crazy ideas; you just wanted to turn around and kiss him. You fought yourself over it, he’s too drunk to remember it; he could also get mad because he’d think this is your new thing. Dance with any guy and kiss them as it started to get steamier.

The way you pressed on him drove him wild. His head leaned back and his grip on you slightly loosened as he wasn’t expecting you to be so close to his little friend. You kept grinding against him, the grinding becoming more intense than he ever imagined it getting. His hips began to move at same force and speed as you.

He pulls your hair to the side, “I really missed you, y/n.” he pulled back for a second until he realized you might take it the wrong way.

You turned around while his arms were still around you and you lifted your arms up to his neck, “I missed you too, Tae. Never ignore me like that again.” you pouted.

“Never again princess. I was being stupid. Forgive me?”

“Only on one condition.”

“Anything, for you.”

“Kiss me.” you say standing up on your tippy toes getting closer.

“Seriously?” he says shocked.

You just nod and close your eyes, preparing for his lips to connect with yours. The first second he didn’t kiss you, you thought he was rejecting you or he thought you were playing around. But as you were about to open your eyes his lips touch yours in the softest way possible.

He pulled away and looked at you, “I always imagined your lips to feel like pillows but now I know they’re even better than that. Can I kiss you again?”

“Please do.”

This time the kiss was a lot deeper, much more passionate. He didn’t want to stop kissing you. He wanted to hold you in this position, if it was possible, forever. You pull away and look up at him. Without thinking it through you step away from him and grab his hand. You lead him up the stairs into one of the guy’s room.

Once you’ve entered he sits down on the bed on Jimin’s room and looks at you a little confused.

“I didn’t bring you hear to, ya know, do it,” you smile and sit next to him, “I just want to talk.”

“I didn’t think you did.”

“Are you still pretty drunk?” you lean back and lay on the bed.

He follows your same actions, “No you grinding on me really sobered me up. I thought I was hallucinating for a second.”

You turn your head, “You’re so cute. Stop.”

“I’m being serious. Those kisses though…” he brought his hands up to his heart and acted as if he had be shot by cupid.

“I hate you,” you playfully push him off the bed.

“Out of, uh, you know, curiosity… Is that like a common thing you do? Kiss guys?”

“I had a feeling you would ask that… but no its not.”

“But you and hyung have-”

“That didn’t mean anything to either of us. It was all the drinking. I’m pretty much sober today, so our kiss wasn’t a mistake.”

Silence falls between the two of you, until he speaks up.

“Are you saying it meant something?”  

...

[cardshcrp]

'five times kissed'

FIVE TIMES KISSED.

@trickarrowd // ROY HARPER // always selectively accepting !

                                                                                                                  i.

          Remy doesn’t take constant lovers. It’s something of a rule. He barely takes any at all, really, because it reminds him too much of when he hadn’t been fine, when he fucked his way through everything, let go because he couldn’t take much more. He’d been an animal because he had to be, fucked nonstop because it felt alright and alright was better than nothing. These days, he figures it’s better to be alone, for him and everyone else - he’s got too many secrets, and he’s too hard to pin down. 

He’s a great fuck, a beautiful distraction, a charming shadow at night. He isn’t made for soft morning light or sleepy kisses or familiarity, so he doesn’t let it happen. He still leaks sex, knows he does; he knows the mansion still whispers playboy, nympho, slut when his clothes are too rumpled and he’s a little too languid. 

It doesn’t bother him too much (anymore). They can think what they want. He knows sex doesn’t work, so he doesn’t have much. And he sure as shit doesn’t allow repeats.

He makes an exception for Roy, mainly because he’s got a sneaking suspicion that Roy knows a little something about cutting off bad behavior and because he’s familiar enough with how shit works in the back alleys that he doesn’t ask a lot of questions. He knows that Remy’s something, somewhere, for sure; they’ve seen each other naked, and there’s pieces to their bodies that don’t come without being a super something. But it’s better not to ask which side, so neither of them do.

So it’s extra surprising when there’s a soft whistle from an alley when he’s passing through Winnipeg and one of the kids he’d shifted off the street and into the Guild just last month slides up, says hey boss, some redhead guy was lookin’ for you down at the Rose, y’know - 

But it’s enough that he’s at the New York bar he owns under another name not quite different enough to matter the next night against his better judgment, and it’s enough that he doesn’t ask why Roy looks a little sad when he buries his face into Remy’s shoulder all panting and want want need, and it’s more than enough that he lingers late into the morning after Roy’s sound asleep and presses a warm kiss to the corner of that slack mouth, a careful thumb smearing balm over chapped lips before he slips away with only the barest creak of the motel door.

                                                                                                                  ii.

          Oh, man, oh man but Roy looked good like this. It’s a thought Remy has a hell of a lot when they’re draped over each other searching for air, bodies sweat-slick and faintly sticky, or when Roy’s got his head tipped back and his throat bobs in a quiet moan and Remy’s got his fingers dug into wiry hips or that pretty hair wrapped around his fist in a pull that’s more like a promise.

He looks good all the time, really, even when he keeps his eyes open to continue the spell that holds Remy there for a while longer, watches him breathe out smoke with a faint, satisfied grumble like he’s found inspiration in the greasy guts of a classic car. 

So it’s not really all that surprising that Remy obliges a question that’s never asked every goddamn time, lets his spine bow so that too-warm lips can press up to Roy’s mouth and leave behind a sharp little spark of energy like a quiet thank-you. 

“We should really make a trip for Mardi Gras.” He likes saying that, a secret between them, a plan that’ll probably never happen and sure, Roy might not know how much an offer like that means coming from him, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he says it and he means it; he thinks Roy would fit right in to it, be swept away in the wild beat, learn the words real fast. 

I-ko i-ko un-day, and when Roy inevitably laughs and says “Yeah, maybe,” Remy always has to give him another kiss, just ’cause.

                                                                                                                 iii.

          He’d kinda known before. Mostly because he was damn familiar with the way Roy looked and moved, and as much as he thought hero politics were dumb as hell even he watched the news sometimes. It was better to know. 

(And the dork wore the same damn hat.)

It’s the usual stupid, outlandish circumstance that calls for whatever larger team-up, something about giant, rampaging spider robots that wasn’t enough for him to call in his own contacts but enough for the long, long lecture about cooperation and playing nice and together we will prevail, and to be entirely honest he’d been about passed out on the floor with the lingering remnants of a hangover when he’d noticed a real familiar tattoo and smile flash through the door late. 

And he has to kind of think, ah, shit, because maybe their silent agreement is going to be broken by the for-sure knowing but it’s not like he can really pretend Roy’s not there, and he doesn’t want to when his day already involved giant fucking spiders, so he might as well be glad maybe someone will watch his back for once.

Though knowing Roy it was more likely to be his ass, but still.

It takes a hell of a lot of effort not to cackle, though, when he sneaks up behind Roy and drapes an arm around his shoulder and murmurs hey dere, cher in his ear, ’cause Roy about jumps out of his skin and it’s satisfying, somehow, that he gets a half-shocked, half-warm glare and a smile of pleased surprise. 

He tucks a little kiss to Roy’s cheek, quick enough that nobody else spots them, and somehow the prospect of dealing with rampaging robots isn’t so bad even if he’s forced to pull his arm away and just lean back on the wall beside him until it’s time to get to work. 

Doesn’t feel so bad when Roy says see you when I see you after with a cheeky grin and a little wave, either.

An invitation is an invitation, after all.

                                                                                                                 iv.

          Gambit doesn’t like being accessible. It’s something that drives everyone around him fuckin’ nuts, that they can’t call him when he disappears, that they don’t know where he goes but that he just pops up when they need him - but at the end of the day they put up with it because he doesn’t give them a choice, really.

He likes to say that if he’s in one place enough to be tethered by a landline, he’s probably in his grave and not climbing back out.

He isn’t completely behind the times. He’s not totally lost it yet - when you’re a man with as many affairs to juggle as he is, you had your ways, and he does keep a cell phone. Two, actually. One for business and those scared scared messages that get him up and on the way, and one that matters.

Remy doesn’t answer the one that matters, never, and he doesn’t make calls from it either. The list of people that know its number are so short it’s almost sad, really - the father who’s taken him in and cast him out as he must. The woman who was as close to a mother as he’d ever had. The sister-in-law he hasn’t spoken to in four years. The wife he’d never truly been married to. Laura, because no parent could live without giving their child an out - not Gabby yet, because if Gabby wasn’t with Laura, there were worse problems than a phone call and Gambit was already at work. Storm and Rogue get the business number. None of them call him or text him.

Roy Harper does, and Remy isn’t entirely sure why the hell he’d given Roy this phone and not the other to tap his number into with his face scrunched up into that sunny grin of his, all freckles and sunshine and doing better, and Remy isn’t sure why he never tells him that he’s not the sort to text or call for shits or giggles or anything else. He just answers.

He’s spacing out, can’t really remember what the hell they’re chatting about anymore, too much tired in his veins and the faint sticky sweet of blue curaçao on nicotine-smeared lips, so he just raises the silly little glowing screen that reminds him that he isn’t entirely alone in the world and squints at the words swimming in front of him, faintly recognizes the cheery red heart emoji hanging on the tail end of some joke. 

Scarred fingers hesitate for just a moment, but his eyes are so very soft when he blows a little kiss back, just a stupid little bit of pixelated nonsense that’s as damning as any confession to his sometimes-lover’s face.

                                                                                                                  v.

         “Hey,” he says, without looking up; he doesn’t have to. Even quiet, Roy still makes more noise than a master thief, and Remy’s put enough of them through their paces that he’d know. Red eyes stay glued to the laptop resting atop the kitchen table, slim fingers tapping at a muscled thigh rather than the keyboard; as easygoing as he could be, not even Remy could think of reading reports in the early morning as enjoyable, but it’s preferable than meeting Roy’s groggy stare and acknowledging that there’s been a definite change in their routine. 

Roy’s slow surprise is evident, red brows furrowing as he takes in the full coffeepot, the ridiculously high stack of pancakes on the table and the absolutely destroyed remnants of what Remy had already eaten on the stack of plates in the sink. His gaze finally land on Remy, and there’s a faint clearing of scratchy morning throat - it’s enough for Remy to glance up finally, half guilty, looking at Roy like he’s done something wrong because maybe he has. He just doesn’t know for sure yet.

“You stayed,” he says, and it’s puzzled, questioning. Remy shrugs, points at the pan on the stove with still-warm bacon in it because it’s easier than actually answering that on any level. “Eat,” he orders instead, dragging out the neighboring chair with his bare foot and shoving himself upright to start cleaning up. “If you don’t get it in ya soon you’re gonna fuckin’ ruin lunch.”

Implying he’d also be there for lunch, which is enough to make him want to kick himself - but he doesn’t.

He washes the dishes and cookware he’d dirtied in the sink, slow and methodical, letting the sound of running water swallow up anything else between them for the moment. It doesn’t last long, of course.

Ten minutes later, when he passes behind Roy and brushes tentative lips over the nape of his neck, he feels the archer freeze, just for a moment. 

And then the rough screech of chair leg on tile breaks the ice, shatters it quick and lets it splinter, and Remy isn’t entirely sure but he thinks maybe his heart thaws a little when Roy turns to give him a proper kiss, or at least he can admit that it’s been warm for a while now, but thinking is overrated at the minute anyway.

Roy’s grinning at him like an absolute idiot by the time he pulls away; it’s enough to make him roll his eyes, not that it stops him from stroking an affectionate thumb over the redhead’s jaw. “Stop lookin’ at me like that. If you don’t eat that bacon in the next five seconds, you gon’ have to fight me for it.”