#ive done so much for other people just to be torn down and fucking destroyed for fun

[wodnes--coyotl]

I can't even talk about this abuse bc i feel like people irl who talk to me on social media some of them have used this stuff against me either immediately or later down the road. I can't trust anyone. I hate holding shit in but I guess I "have to" because people always take advantage and say nasty shit. I'm so tired. I hate that my dad is always baiting suicide my entire life and treating me like a huge inconvenience and burden and problem while also begging me to take care of him and fix his life as if I "have" to even though I damn sure fuckin'g DONT. he couldve ended his life with any amt of dignity or tried to repair this relationship like ive tried to but instead just makes it worse and eventually he's going to die either way with a legacy of being a fucking asshole who no one loved and NO ONE wants that for him. NO ONE. but i cannot fix ANY of this and i am SO upset.

[mst3kproject]

Conquest

This movie has long been something I wish MST3K would have tackled, but I figured they never would because there are simply too many gratuitous boob shots in it.  Imagine my delight, then, when Avalanche introduced us to the Titty Drones!  I imagine they'd get a hell of a workout from this one... perhaps in a host sketch they'd end up lying exhausted on the table while Jonah and the bots sing a song to inspire them to carry on.  Other than that, the movie is just one long, foggy, dubbed, what the fuck am I watching sword-and-sorcery experience with Jorge Rivero (yep, Yuri from Werewolf) as our hero.  Bring it on.

A young man named Ilias has decided to set out on a quest.  The wise old elder of his people gives him the Bow of Kronos, which can shoot arrows of light, and off he goes in search of some Hero Stuff that needs doing.  Y'know, monsters to slay, maidens to save, that kind of thing.

I did not alter that screencap.  That is what the movie actually looks like.

Anyway, he arrives in a country in the thrall of a topless brain-eating sun goddess named Ocron and her army of coke-snorting wolf-men (I swear to you I could not make this up if I tried). In a drug-induced vision, Ocron sees herself being shot by a faceless hero wielding a laser bow, and decides she'd really better nip that in the bud.  Her first attempt to ambush Ilias is foiled by the wandering barbarian Mace, who wants the magical bow and needs Ilias to teach him how to use it.  The two become fast friends – indeed, Ilias is the first friend Mace has ever had in his life, so when Ocron finally succeeds in killing the kid, Mace decides to take up his cause and avenge him.

There is an awful lot of nudity in this movie.  Even with the titty drones, they would still have to make some deep cuts to get PG-13 out of it, and Jonah would probably face some awkward questions from Crow and Tom.  The nudity ranges from the very matter-of-fact to the extremely leering, and weirdly most of the latter is saved for the villainess.  The camera lingers on her nipples and groin as she writhes in the throes of precognition, while a phallic snake crawls up her abdomen.  Yikes. Elsewhere, other topless women appear to be completely incidental. A scene in which a near-naked girl is torn to pieces by the wolf-men is much more about the absurdly artsy violence than the nudity.

There is an equally shocking amout of fog.  Not a single frame of this movie appears to be fog-free.  I think it's supposed to create atmosphere.  Mostly it just makes me want to clean my glasses over and over like I’m searching for Robert Denby.

As thick as it is, the fog cannot disguise just how much the movie's visuals suck.  Ocron's army of werewolves are on the same believability level as bear-headed Ivan from Jack Frost, and leap from above like the cavemen in Starcrash. Mace's bird friends look like if Birdemic had used terrible puppets instead of terrible CGI, and make the same sound.  Night-time is represented by a blue filter so intense it looks like we're filming through jell-o and the exact same colour is used for an underwater scene.  One entire sequence takes place in pitch blackness, and all we hear are monster noises.

And that's not even getting into what these crummy effects are depicting. Angry grass, swamp zombies, a caveman nunchaku fight, chirping cocoon-people... every time you think you've seen the weirdest possible thing, Conquest throws you another curve.  Mace's long hair and the angular symbol tattooed on his forehead look like they're supposed to remind us of Charles Manson, but I can't imagine for what purpose.  There are loving close-ups of oozing pustules covered with flies.  The laser-arrows look like something out of Tron. The music falls somewhere in between 'funky disco' and '80's mellow synth'.  It's all so weird.

You can enjoy the movie purely on that 'wtf' level.  It's especially fun to show it to friends and watch their facial expressions as the movie piles oddity upon oddity.  But if you want something to think about, this movie is actually full of themes and commentary!  Mostly, it's looking at the 'hero's journey' motif and pointing out the weaknesses in it, but there's also an element of Greek tragedy, in that it's impossible for Ocron to escape her fate even when she's the most powerful woman in the world.

Ilias sets out on his quest with no specific goal in mind.  It seems as if he wants to be a hero, but he hasn't yet settled on a heroic deed – he'll take whatever comes his way.  His first attempt at a 'heroic' act is saving a girl from being bitten by a snake, and then he pouts when she laughs at him and runs away, rather than sticking around for the kissing he assumed would follow.  Then, once the action begins, we quickly find that Ilias is terrible at heroing.  He gets his butt kicked by Ocron's trolls, and Mace has to save him.  It is Mace who finds them a way out of the cave when they are lost and trapped, and Mace who goes to find healing herbs when Ilias is poisoned.

This is all totally understandable, though – Ilias is in a strange place, and has no idea where he's going or what he'll do when he gets there.  Although he's a good shot with his bow, he has no combat experience and growing up in peaceful agricultural society has not prepared him to survive in this wilderness of lawless hunter-gatherers.  When Mace warns him that Ocron and her goons are more than he can possibly handle, it seems like he has a good point, and Ilias eventually comes to think so as well.  There is a point when he nearly turns back, actually getting on a boat and setting off for home.

The moment of lost hope is a common part of the hero's journey story.  As the Death Star prepares to fire on Yavin IV, it seems that the Rebellion will be unable to destroy it in time.  The Fellowship of the Ring is nearly broken by the death of Gandalf.  Moana tries to throw the Heart of Te Fiti back into the sea.  In all of these stories, this moment is followed by a turn as the characters find a source of inspiration: Luke hears Obi-Wan's voice telling him to use the Force, and is able to destroy the Death Star.  Aragorn urges everybody to continue on to Lothlorien, where they can rest and regroup.  The spirits of Moana's ancestors show her what she has already accomplished and give her the strength to try again.  Ilias, too, remembers his original goals – vague as they were – and turns back, arriving just in time to take care of the cocoon-people who have crucified Mace and thrown him off a cliff.

Yet even this is kind of a failure, as Ilias is unable to save Mace from downing in the ocean at the cliff bottom.  Instead, friendly dolphins come to Mace’s rescue (in yet another what the fuck moment), and shortly thereafter Ilias is killed by a cave monster! The Callow Youth ultimately fails to defeat the great evil, and it happens because he is a Callow Youth.  Mace, who is rougher and tougher and used to looking after himself in this country, ultimately succeeds because he has the skills and experience Ilias lacks!

Meanwhile, Ocron's own fate is as coldly inevitable as that of Oedipus in Sophocles' play.  As the story begins, she and Ilias have never even heard of each other.  When one of her minions mentions her by name, Ilias doesn't know what he's talking about and has to ask Mace. Ocron herself never even learns Ilias' name, always simply calling him 'the Wanderer'.  She sets out to kill him not because he has actually caused her any trouble, but because her visions tell her that he will in the future.  Yet it is Ocron's attempts to get rid of Ilias before he can threaten her that first bring her to his attention and make him a threat, when he decides this is the great heroic task he's been chosen for.

But Ilias is not the one who defeats Ocron – his death, instead, spurs on Mace to kill her, and this fulfils another aspect of the prophecy.  For one thing, Mace is far more of a 'wanderer' than Ilias is.  Ilias comes from a settled society and intends to return there when his task is done.  Mace, on the other hand, is some kind of outlaw, with the mark on his forehead to denote that he is 'everybody's enemy'. He has wandered for many years and sees no end to it.  Ocron's prophecy is entirely self-fulfilling, and as in Oedipus Tyrannus, it is the efforts to avoid it that make it come true.  She even has a harmatia, a single mistake that seals her doom.  When we look at her visions in light of the ending, we recall that the warrior she saw had no face. It is, instead, the bow of Kronos that is fated to kill her.  Her fatal error was focusing on the wielder rather than the weapon!  

There's way more I could talk about here.  I could go into more detail about how the film uses Ocron's nudity to dehumanize her, covering her face and nothing else. I could write paragraphs and paragraphs about the homoerotic love story between the two heroes and its derivation from the Greek tradition of erastes and eromenos (the names in the story, Ilias, Kronos, Ocron, are almost all either Greek-derived or just intended to ‘sound Greeky’). I could contrast their positive philia with the film's negative depiction of eros as embodied in Ocron. I could boggle over the fact that Mace uses strangers as target practice or wince at Ilias shooting trolls in the crotch.  Conquest is as endlessly fascinating as it is endlessly weird.  I'm pretty sure Lucio Fulci failed at whatever it was he was trying to do with the movie, but man, he failed with style.

[missjackil]

Sam Winchester Appreciation Week

Day 1 - Favorite Scenes I dont have a single favorite, I have MANY! Im going to try and narrow the field down to a few of my most favorite Sam scenes. One of my favorite scenes is a funny one in S11 Just My Imagination when Dean barks at Sam “You, me Library now... COME ON!” Sam slumps off like a 9 year old that is about to be scolded, It’s freakin adorable that my 6″4 badass monster killer, can lower his head, slouch his shoulders and become a little boy at the drop of a hat.  Many great scenes happened in S11. Sam in Lucifers cage in O Brother Where Art Thou and Devil in the Details, brought some great moments. Jareds acting was fantastic. When Sam first gets zapped into the cage, Jared somehow perfectly showed Sam in pants shitting terror, while also remaining calm and focused. Not many actors can do both emotions at once. The final Sam monologue to Lucifer was fantastic! Though IMO if he had used the word “willing” instead of “ready” it would have been better. “Im willing to die. Im willing to watch the people I love die, but I am not willing to be your bitch!” works much better, dont you think? But the scene was great, and I was SO proud of him! S12 The Way We Are had an abundance of great Sam moments, from the wall smashing scene and owning the fact he slipped into follow mode with the Britts because it was easier than leading, to taking control over the hunters and saying “I want you to follow me” to hugging Dean with so much love and promising to come back. But my favorite scene in that, Im going to save for last, because I think it’s my favorite scene ever.

Its no secret that I prefer the post Kripke seasons, but I dont hate that era at all, Sam had some amazing scenes  Sam in white as Lucifer in the garden, Season 3 when he emotionally tells Dean he’s been following him around since he was 4, trying to be just like him, and of COURSE Swan Song when he opens his arms and closes his eyes, ready to throw himself and Lucifer into Hell for the good of the world. That’s when we learned just how heroic Sam Winchester is.

Any scene where Sam cries, just destroys me. Sobbing over Deans body , even though he’s done it several times, still kicks my ass. I am always convinced that Sam thinks Dean is gone forever, even when we know better.. The hallway scene in The Great Escapist is great. Sam is holding back tears that are threatening to burst any second. “These trials, theyre purifying me” is a very defining moment for Sam. After all this time, and all that has passed, he still feels unclean, but he’s determined to redeem himself, even though its not his fault. The end church scene in Sacrifice UGGHH hold me! I need an adult!That pain was genuine! You cant tell me Jared didnt realy feel it. It was all acting, because, bullshit. That was the most real emotional pain Ive ever seen! It might just be me, but Dean’s expressions looked like Jensen wasn’t ready to see that much emotion from Jared, and he was trying not to cry with him. Then I have to add the “Sammy close your eyes” scene, and the single tear that streams down Sam’s face and neck.  I just....sorry... gimme a minute. Sam is the ultimate badass! And Im not diminishing Dean as a badass, because he certainly is, but Sam tucks his badassery away until it’s necessary, and then watch out when it comes out! Red Meat...amirite? And all the pain Sam pushes through, fighting to get to Dean, when he finally kills the badguy and saves Dean, he just lets all of it go and collapses. To me, that was a 6″4 220 lb mic drop. Sam Fucking Winchester... Out! Now my favorite Sam moment to date, is so simple. So few words, but the way Jared delivers the line, the tone of his voice, his facial expression, the words he chooses to emphisize, make it to me, the #1 most defining moment in my life with Sam Winchester. After everything, EVERYTHING he has been through, all the ways hes been hurt, tortured, killed, tormented, and every other thing in his torn up life, he knows his mother started it, but he has the biggest heart in the world and he’s so forgiving, and he loves so completely, that when he says “Mom... you dont have to be scared of me” I freakin sob! I think about it and I get emotional, because how can Sam even be described better? Can unconditional love be described better? He could have said it to Dean with the same impact. I wish he did, but I think Dean already knows hes loved unconditionally, knows how far Sam will go for those he loves, and Mom needed to hear it.  So in conclusion, Im sure I could give you a dozen more great Sam scenes, and probably more, but I wanted to highlight these. Sam Winchester is the greatest fictional character I have encountered, and these are just a few reasons why.

[verticalfrontalsomething]

I want to be petty or dead and I’m not sure which way I’m leaning right now lmao

who am I kidding I know exactly which way I’m leaning and it’s “why not both?” 

I’ve got his parents’ phone numbers too, I could call them, since he decided it was necessary to bring my parents into this shit

I’m tired I’m fucking exhausted of being The Only One Who’s Done Anything Wrong Here when one of those people (lied) took me to the er when I needed to go last christmas and, funnily enough, talked like there was shit I needed to work on but like maybe I’d be okay

and my own emotions have been rapid-cycling so fucking quickly that there’s literally only one thing I want to do at this point and it’s walk off an overpass it’s not like anyone’s going to be hurt by that, obviously I had and continue to have no redeeming qualities, regardless of anything I try to do to apologize, to make up for, to give space. apparently (since I wrote a fucking five page apology at like four in the morning when I was half asleep) I turned everything back on him and he wouldn’t let me get a fucking word in edgewise, so he called in the fucking troops so someone else who seems to think I’m only capable of being shit could join in the “kick ‘em while they’re down” party the fuckers decided to have. 

seriously at what point do you decide you’re better than someone because their brain is doing shit they don’t understand? oh, no, wait, I figured that out, nevermind.

the fucking worst part of this, the part that’s leaving me broken and destroyed and the reason I take the number of sleeping pills I take? I want this to be fixable. he told me it could be fixable. instead, he’s more or less blocked me on most of the social media stuff we followed each other on (god forbid I planned to send him a picture on facebook or anything) and the only time he’s spoken to me, he pulled his bullshit “I’ve never done anything wrong so I don’t know what you want from me” act. I can’t imagine what it’s actually like to be an outside party, watching someone you allegedly care about be torn apart by their own mind. now, yes, part of the reason I don’t get it is because he treated me like I was the only lifeline to reality he fucking had, but when shit turns around and goes the other way, things that we could’ve talked about and cleared up sooner, no, we had to take care of him first because he was clearly the only important one and I exist to be used and nothing else.

I love him. still. I’m broken, badly, but I’m trying, and I am so, so, SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED of being alive. 

someone who was a pretty fucking major part of my life has decided to show me, and tell me over and over and over again, that it’s not worth it for me to get better. anything he ever needed, all he had to do was ask. I could get vicious right now if I really wanted to, I have his parents’ phone numbers, and he made it a point to call mine and tell them I was their problem.

the only times we ever talked about shit that was wrong with me was the middle of a fight. so if there was something I needed to be told, like, for example, that my moods were cycling way too fast to be healthy and I should really talk to someone about that, or that I can be absolutely fucking vicious when I want to b - and I want to, fuck, fuck, I want to. 

this is someone I changed things about myself for. I was never quite this fucking needy with tony. I mothered him too much, I know that, it’s not like it hasn’t been discussed, but the levels I’m willing to go to for a mulligan on the last 12 months? 18 maybe? no hesitation. no doubt. if I thought it might bring him up to the hospital, I’d grab the 12″ chef’s knife or whatever it is and plunge it into my heart. fuckin’ things’ broken and useless anyway, just like the rest of me.

I’m tired of waking up in a bed I shared with someone, with the love of my life, I’m tired of stifling every violent and aggressive thought (towards myself or anyone else), and I thought, maybe for a minute, “damn, it’s nice to be good enough for someone” but I guess that couldn’t have been too much further from the truth. I don’t think you can say “I would blame myself if you killed yourself” then turn into your mother because something wasn’t exactly what you thought you were owed. almost a full year, I think that’s how long it’s been. since everything fucking fell apart on me. I went to therapy a little, to at least start, because that’s what you do, right? why would it have been just completely unreasonable to throw me a “hey you’re doing good” every once in a while? 

why is your mental health more important than mine? years, literal actual YEARS I stayed up with you, asked you to patch up wounds, walked you through talking to your parents and to him and anything else you needed. I know you’re not going to read this, why the fuck would you, but some sadistic little part of me wants you to, for you to think about it, actually think about it, and see how heavily you were leaning. this is a little bit of a childish metaphor, but do you know what happens if you take an unsteady stack of jenga blocks and push them to the side just a little? total destruction, chaos, ruin. 

I woke up nearly sobbing this morning, you want to know why? I had woken up for a minute in the middle of the night, and for some reason, I thought you were on your spot on the bed, like you weren’t close to me, but you were here. I’ve been letting my meds fuck me up (no point in keeping my brain together, if it kills me, who cares) and I woke up and I thought you were here. we didn’t talk, we just went back to sleep, until I made a move to get up and clashed hard down to the floor. probably bruised my back and my shoulders, but that told me that you weren’t there. I am broken, I’m empty, I’m not enough, I’ll never be enough, and while I absolutely do deserve to suffer for the things I’ve put you through, if you were never going to let me be better, why tell me you would? I don’t even need to talk often. just... fuck, a “hi” or a picture of the dog every once in a while or something... 

I knew I should’ve done this before christmas, now I have to wait until after my dad’s birthday in february. 

if you cared... hell, maybe I’d call he coaching line like I’m supposed to, or the 741741 text thing... 

I know I made you afraid of a monster. I’ve got half a strand of hope keeping me somewhat tethered to this reality, but that’s not going to last long. it won’t matter what I say to you because you’ll say something to her, and she’ll make me look more desperate, or say I just want what we physically had back, and that’s not it. I let myself be open with someone. we both found out how far that dark streak in me runs. you were the only thing keeping my head above water. 

and I can’t hear that I have to “do it for myself.” do you know how fucking hard that is? the friends you have, the family you have, the groups I now can’t even go to because you work there and it wouldn’t be fair for me to show up- I have nothing. I have this room that I’m in now, enough medication to do serious, serious harm... and no reason not to.

here’s what I’m going to do, just for tonight. take as many of these as I want, or think will help, put fiddler on the roof back on... and hopefully snap my fucking neck if I get up to go to the bathroom or something in the middle of the night. the best part is that nobody’s going to do anything, like maybe one person will poke at me on discord, but that’s all. a pretty sizable chunk of my inner circle (which is the only fucking circle I had to begin with) thinks I’m nothing more than a monster. thinks the only thing I can do is hurt. 

i want my morphine and i want to go to sleep that’s all i want i want the hurt to stop and nothing’s going to stop it i want it to stop i want it to stop i want it to STOP i know i’ve been a monster i’ve been abusive i yell i threaten i scream i provoke fear i’m the worst i know but i was doing better you were worth that to me that i was at least getting fucking better but who gives a shit it wasn’t fast enough for you ive never been enough i was just an easy enough foothold for you to climb 

if i hallucinate the sight of you again tonight it’s going to break me 

do i text you to tell you goodbye? you’ve already said it to me, fair’s fair, right? no, you’ll think I’m just being manipulative. trying to be controlling. I can’t see you in my dreams and wake up to an empty bed. 

you know what the worst part of this is, to me at least? I want to get better. I’m making the efforts (fuckin showed up to therapy today before realizing therapy is tomorrow), I try to watch what I say, I try to think before I open my mouth because that’s how fucking stupid i am maybe if I’m really good for long enough maybe something good will come out of it

who the fuck am i kidding the only good thing to come out of this will be that no one has to try to put the pieces back together again

if i had a bit of extra money right now i think i’d get myself one last piece of ornamentation

“I don’t wanna die, sometimes wish I’d never been born at all”

goodnight. I know you’re not reading this, but jeg elsker deg. with every shredded, broken, battered piece of my black little heart. at least you won’t miss me.

I know however many I take isn’t going to be enough to kill me but god do i fucking wish

all I ever wanted to be was enough and all i’ve ever done is let down every single person i’ve ever met, I took someone who loved me and distorted and ruined that, my family can’t even really give me reasons to hold on anymore. my mom looked like she didn’t really want to leave me here when they brought be back the other day. and i know it’s because she’s afraid but i’m so broken and so empty and so hurt I don’t want to do this anymore, I can’t, what’s the point of me suffering alone, really? why should I? all I can do is list off people who’d be better off if I was dead. family who won’t have to wait for that phone call anymore. people I’ve hurt letting out a sigh of relief that their tormentor is gone....

I’m going to take my meds and watch my movie now. I’ll post something in the morning if I make it through the night.