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tfw-no-tennis · 4 years

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hunter x hunter thotz so far

soooo ruth and i started watching hunter x hunter woohoo finally! we’re like 10 or so eps in so i decided to collect some thots below on what i think so far (i havent rlly been spoiled so im interested to look back on this once ive watched more)

first off i love gon sm, hes immediately so endearing...hes just a baby!!!! just a little baby boy!!!! hes just so cute and good, im so not ready for him to get put thru the wringer later on as ive vaguely heard happens

the first few episodes were really fast paced which i enjoyed and thought was for the best. the characters came thru really strongly and i feel like we heard juuuust enough about the setting, premise, and what a hunter is

i wasnt expecting leorio and kurapika to show up in the FIRST EP lmao that surprised me. i love so much how the three of them like IMMEDIATELY became a family unit in like 3 eps lmaoooo it was like ok here are 2 parents and their son bam. also leorio and kurapika having a showdown on the boat (which didnt end up happening) was a wild ride

i have like zero fucking idea what a hunter is and the more they attempt to explain the more confused i get. its honestly kind of hilarious how little sense it makes. to be clear this doesnt detract from my enjoyment of the show at all (if anything it adds to it)

oh my god fuckgin hisoka is the worst he hasnt done much but i hate him so much already. good villain writing/design so far, hes so hateable

ruth every time hisoka shows up: WE HATE UR PUSSY BIIIITCH

the character design in this show is....a lot lmao. ruth and i decided its a cross between soul eater, jojo, and one piece in terms of aesthetic. the designs are certainly unique and so many of them are just so ugly hvbjafdbdskgs it reminds me of that post thats like ‘masterpost of jojo characters who look busted as shit’ lmao

i already love this show a lot tbh like the way its structured so far has been kinda atypical for a shounen, at least in terms of fights - we really havent seen a lot of fighting yet. also nen hasnt shown up yet and its reminding me of stands not becoming a thing in jojo until p3 lmao

anyways in litrally ep1 i already loved the 3 main characters we saw...leorio is a wild dude, i love him sm, especially as a fellow medical binch who wants MONEY. like, thats literally me. and kurapika is also wild, like damn they rlly just dropped their backstory in ep 1 huh. like we rlly are jumping right into this

also when leorio said he was a teenager i was like WHAT???? just like evryone else which YEA omfg. i cant believe hes that young lmao. kurapika too

so leorio is one of those 19 yr olds who looks 40 and kurapika is the type of teen who looks like a 12 yr old

and KILLUA i love him sm also....hes an adorable assassin catboy and hes perfect. i love how quickly he and gon hit it off (tiny bfs.....) and how hes just like, this extra as hell 12 yr old with a SKATEBOARD and ASSASSIN SKILLS and then he sees gon and is like guess im gonna fall in love

i gotta talk abt gon again i just love him. hes so polite and cute and kind and good, i just love him...wht a good protag. his motivation is just wild too, hes like well my dad abandoned me to go off and be a hunter (which he isnt even mad abt, what a nice lad) so im gonna do that to see what the deal is

i love how gon (just like the audience) doesnt really know what a hunter does/is and just goes into the exam totally blind lmao. also the fact that his skills seem to include jumping good, being speedy, having the energy typical of a 12 yr old, being a weather sniffer, being nice, and having good instincts/constitution as a result of having eaten random grass and forest shit growing up...amazing.

is this gonna turn out to be one of those things where its like, wow theyve been using nen this whole time without realizing! tht would honestly explain a lot lmao

i really enjoy how like....semi-normal the power levels are rn? while also being all over the place and wack as fucks obvs (like hisoka dissolving that guys arms in his first appearance was A Lot, as well as all the card stuff hes done..). like the part wher that blue guys (evil franky one piece) punches the ground and it leaves a crater and everyones like !!!! wow wtf thats unnatural! that literally threw me off bc that kinda thing is so normal in anime lmaoooo. but i like that thats the starting point bc it leaves a lot of room for power escalation w/out it getting too out of hand

specifially our protags are starting out pretty low on the Shounen Badass scale - especially gon (and leorio, tho i kinda predict he wont be as fight-y? what with him being premed)

i find it kinda hilarious how killua hasnt done too much (aside from murdering those 2 randos in like half a second) despite being so clearly skilled...like when they have to do the 5v5 fight thing in the tower, i wouldve thought hed be the first up cause hes so badass but nope

actually thats what i find interesting - i was expecting all 5 (or maybe 4, we’re in the middle of leorio’s ‘fight’) of the fights to be physical smackdowns but so far nope, theyve been very cerebral. that bodes well, w/how smart the fights have been, bc i doubt the fights will get stale tht way

tho they might be kinda frustrating sometimes - there are times when u DO just wanna see a good ole fashioned shounen beatdown yknow. but we do get enough of that now (and im sure we’ll get plenty more) to satisfy (like kurapika decking fake-franky)

oh also the opening. its so charming and cute and i love the song...its also so hilariously basic and classic - like one of those typical 2000s anime openings where theres stock run cycles of all the main characters and theres a little animation of all the characters fighting together (and that fight doesnt actually happen, its just for the op)

also love that leorios the only one who doesnt fight in the OP, instead getting saved from death by gon lmao. im curious if he’ll end up fighting at all (i assume a little?) and if he’ll use nen (probably healing type nen?)

also i already wanna fistfight ging for abandoning his perfect angel son. also leorio is literally gons dad already, they even look alike wow

that guy hanzo has done basically 0 things so far but i rlly like him already, im curious if thatll change. also sorry for calling u ‘hanzo overwatch!?!?!?!’ upon first viewing my guy

tonpa is str8 up so annoying pls leave u pathetic loser

tho it cracked me up when he and Evil Mr Clean were facing off and starting getting all detailed/shaded and i was like o shit is he actually badass. are we abt to see like a nen battle or st. but no....lmaooo

i found it interesting that leorio didnt really admit to wanting to be a dr at first...hes such a good dude, he kinda just let kurapika think that his motives were superficial and greedy when in actuality theyre selfless

also wanting to be rich can be a rlly interesting character motivation and i love when its done right

oh my god i cant believe it took me this long to mention the hilariously edge ED....like holy shit, its so 2000s, the song sounds like its been re-recorded like 40000 times bc of how bad the audio quality is, or something, idk how to describe music but its hilariously specific in tone and its rlly funny to see shots of the main characters smiling while this screamo whatever plays in the bg....wow.

also s/o to killua for being king of edgy with that ‘tear of blood’ shot

i rlly like how much of the plot, especially the early hunter exam stuff, is moved along simply by gon being a good kind polite boy.

love the fact that he and leorio and kurapika (and later killua) all team up without even saying anything...i love that, most shounen would have them be like ‘che, i cant team up with anyone, i have to prove myself ALONE or my victory wont be EARNED’ or w/e idk. who knows that might happen later but rn i love how they all effortlessly work together (and how they all contribute - without each other they would have all failed at different points)

oh man also killuas first appearence was so funny when he drank a bunch of tonpas poisoned drinks and was like [smirks] tch, loser, im immune to poison. get dunked on. [skateboard away] i love him so fuckgin much

omfg that part where killua looks all shoujo/kawaii and is talking abt how hes gonna kill his family or w/e and gon is just like ^_^? i love they

HOOOOLY FUCK I ALMOST FORGOT, BUT 65% OF THE REASON I MADE THIS POST WAS TO MENTION HISOKAS THEME LMAOOOOO his music being like fuckgin, spanish guitar/traditional mexican type music is sooooo goddamn funny to me for some reason, like the first time it played i was like ok whats going ON with this spanish guitar lmao but then i figured out that its his theme and god thats so funny

hisoka is also so fuckign jojo like he could so easily be in jojo. he and dio would be the fakest best friends ever and would constantly try to kill each other on the lowdown and shittalk each other constantly in private but be super sweet to each others faces. also they would hatefuck. no im not taking criticism bye

i rlly love everyones backstories also, and i find it interesting that weve gotten to hear/see at least some of all 4 of the MCs backstories. theyre all compelling and interesting and i cant wait to dive in further

also calling it now but kurapika is totally gonna get way too absorbed in revenge and get fucked up/disregard their own life (maybe in the style of robin in one piece?) we’ll see but i feel like it aint gonna end well. i could be wrong, i really havent been spoiled at all, thats just my guess

hbahjfbshjf the ep that was called ‘hisoka x is x sneaky’ was SO funny that reads like a dora the explorer ep title

also i had no idea the ep titles were formatted like that w/the x’s and thats rlly funny

ok but the part where leorio - who seems to be pretty bad at fighting - tries to fight hisoka - whose literal first appearence involved him effortlessly dissolving a dudes arms - is so fucking funny. leorio rlly b a premed w/no brain cells....same bro.

also i loved the Cutthroat Kitchen portion of the hunter exam and how not a single contestant was any good at it lmaoooo. do they not have the cooking channel in hxh-verse earth

ok i love how the main characters are all intuitive in different ways depending on their own skills, like how killua can immediately guess that kurapika has never killed anyone before after they didnt kill evil-franky

kurapika joined killua in the Edgy Corner during that part also. like, they both have legit reasons to be edgy, but the shots of kurapika sitting in the darker tunnel part was kinda funny

also killua, a literal 12 yr old, calling out kurapika for being a murder virgin was pretty hilarious

ok also i didnt know that madhouse animated hxh which is rlly funny but w/e i love the animation especially the occasional chibi parts and the facial expressions (like killuas ‘i love murder’ catboy expressions)

oh also when killua murdered those 2 guys and his hand was all vein-y and his nails were pointy, his hands looked like hisokas do...i wonder if thats a legit connection or it hisoka just b getting his nails did

kurapika talking abt how even seeing a regular spider makes them rlly angry was both very sad and kinda funny. kura u have so many issues god bless

kurapikas smackdown on evil blue franky was fuckin dope tho. and the red eyes reveal was SPOICY

rlly love how the individual fights highlights the characters strengths/morals/motivations/whatever....the writing is already really strong tbh

ugh ok ive ranted enough this is a Lot lmao its so disorganized but w/e

basically i love this series so far and im rlly curious whatll happen next. also everything seems pretty chill and upbeat so far (relatively) and i know this shit gets dark and im NOT FUCKING READY.

til next timeeee

#i think readmores are broken? sometimes? anyways i hope thats not the case and if so then im sorry everyone #im gonna schedule this for like 3 am this is just for me to ramble lmao #anyways i need a tag #uhhh #lj watches hxh #hxh #bam there we go

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areyougettingenoughoxygen · 4 years

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Don’t Listen to the Nay-Sayers, I’ve Got a Love for Pokemon Sword/Shield

As I was trying to figure out something to post about this week, I was also trying to get a Grookey egg for a friend. That turned into me getting off the computer, laying down, and just playing Pokemon Shield. It may have been a good idea: not only did I hatch a shiny Grookey for myself after only 21 eggs as well as found a shiny Gigantamax Hatterene online, but I also found something I wanted to write about.

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this the day before the Direct came out talking about the new Expansions, so those will not be discussed in this write-up.

I’m presenting at the Pop Culture Association’s National Conference in April, with my topic being about how Pokemon’s fanbase refuses to evolve alongside the games. My research over winter break from school was supposed to be playing through all 8 gens of games, but I keep finding myself just playing Pokemon Shield. It may just be because I’m procrastinating, but I have Pokemon Red up on my 3DS just sleeping while I’m actively playing Pokemon Shield. Sorry Charmander, but the Galarian region is calling to me.

Before I got Pokemon Shield, I was one of the people who was in disbelief over what was deemed “Dex-It,” a term given to the fact that not all previous Pokemon would enter the region of Galar. Even more soured on the Pokemon Sword/Shield hype train, once reviews for Sword/Shield came out giving the game extreme praise, I began having almost resentment towards the title. How could a game with half the Pokemon and graphics looking like they came out of a Nintendo 64 rank better on IGN than any game since Black 2/White 2 (including the infamous Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire “7.8 - too much water” ranking)?

Regardless, I decided that I wanted it near release, and it’d be unfair of me to judge a game based on what people said rather than what I felt about it. The weekend that Pokemon Sword/Shield came out, I worked Friday and then doubles on Saturday and Sunday so that I could use the tip money that I accumulated towards Pokemon Shield. That Sunday, I walked over to my local Gamestop and picked up my copy, took it home, and started up the game. I was so exhausted that I only got to the starter selection portion of the game before falling asleep, but once I had my energy back, I went to work with my Pokemon buddies.

I almost always choose the Grass starter (except for lieking Mudkips in Gen 3), so Grookey was a natural choice for me. Besides, just look at that face. How could I NOT choose Grookey? Something that Pokemon Sword/Shield did better than any Pokemon game before it though is giving each and every starter a distinct personality. When Leon (the champion of the Galar region and your rival Hop’s brother) sends out the three Pokemon for you to select between, you’re treated to a cutscene of Grookey, Scorbunny, and Sobble interacting with one another. My heartstrings were tugged as I chose Grookey and Hop chose Sobble, leaving Scorbunny all alone. Leon assured Scorbunny that it could come with him and Charizard though, and I found myself elated that all three starters had homes. I hadn’t even had a Pokemon battle yet, and I was already invested in what would happen to the three starters in the game.

Hop won’t be the only rival you encounter throughout the game though, as many trainers are looking to advance in the challenge to become Pokemon Master. Marnie, alongside her faithful Morpeko, is also fighting to be the best like no one ever was. Cheering her on are Team Yell, which take on the roles of redeemable baddies much like Team Skull of Sun/Moon rather than outright baddies like Team Rocket. Both Marnie as well as Team Yell favor Dark type Pokemon, with the new Galarian form of Zigzagoon being a favorite of Team Yell. While Marnie has a competitive nature, she never is outright rude to the player, making her a more favorable rival to encounter during your journey. Contrasting Dark type trainer Marnie and her helpful attitude is Bede, a pastel trainer with a bad attitude who favors Psychic and Fairy types. While his interior is cold and ruthless, his relationships with Chairman Rose and Gym Leader Opal make him more endearing as the game goes on. Each rival you encounter has a satisfying end to their journey, showing that even if you don’t achieve your dream of becoming Pokemon Master, you can achieve a different dream.

I don’t want to spoil the story for anyone reading this who hasn’t played Pokemon Sword/Shield yet, but I would venture to say that it’s the best story out of any game in recent memory. Of course, it follows the routine of start your journey, earn badges, challenge the champion, become Pokemon Master, but there are many surprises alongside the way. Just when I thought the game was over, a few hours of more content strung itself along before I was able to claim my title of Pokemon Master and beat up Leon’s Charizard.

I’m not sure how other people play the game, but the Pokemon Camp feature of the game really connected me to the Pokemon that I had in my party along the way. It’s similar to the Pokemon Amie and such of yesteryear, but with a few changes. Your Pokemon can actually interact with one another, for starters. My Pokemon would chat with each other, race against each other, and sometimes even fight each other (which I had to break up). You can create curry dishes for them, and they joyfully gobble up your food if you cook it well enough. Seriously, one of my favorite parts of the 125+ hours I’ve put into the game so far was when after cooking curry, a stray Hippopotas came to my camp and wanted to be in my party, alongside a ribbon he received for being a Curry Connoisseur. I gave him competitive stats and an Everstone, and I named him Roux after his love for curry.

The main story itself only took me around 35 hours to complete, and the postgame only took a few more hours, but as I said above, I’ve put 125+ hours into the game thus far. One of the reasons for this is the Wild Area, which is a welcome addition to the game for people who like exploration. After you’re thrown into the Wild Area, you learn after a period of time which areas you’re supposed to be in and which ones you need to get out of as soon as possible. Rather than having a sign saying DON’T GO HERE, you’ll encounter Pokemon impossible to beat. I myself used Pokedolls for the first time ever in a Pokemon game to allow myself to get away from Pokemon who were 20+ levels above me just so that my team wouldn’t black out.

My only critique of the Wild Area is that there are admittedly portions of it that look as though they came out of a Nintendo 64 game, specifically the graphics of the trees in the game. Before a friend got the game, I walked up to one of the berry trees and showed him how they would become see-thru and comprise of green dots where the treetops were supposed to be. We both laughed at how bad it looked. However, as bad as these graphical errors are, they never took away from my enjoyment of the game.

As a competitive player, I like how much simpler it is in the game to make your Pokemon in fighting shape. Instead of every single Pokemon having to be products of Daycare Eugenics, you’re able to use readily available berries to reset your Pokemon’s EVs, give them purchasable vitamins to give them desired EVs, use Bottle Caps to max out IVs, and even use new mechanics found in Mints to change the nature of your Pokemon to something viable. I was able to take the Grookey that I started the game with and make him competitive just using the post-game mechanics available. This also makes it so that you can use the shiny Pokemon that you find, rather than hoping and praying that you get the exact stats you want for one. My original Grookey-turned-Rillaboom, Lucio, is able to compete alongside his daughter, shiny Grookey-turned Rillaboom, Lucia.

I have a love/hate relationship with the online play in Pokemon Sword/Shield though, which could be attributed to how online play works in any Switch game period. I’ve grown to enjoy joining Pokemon Raids with people online, but I hate how you basically have to be actively trading to find any new Raids, especially with how frequently Raids fill up. I’ve got a box filled with baby Grookeys to mystery trade to people while I wait to battle Gigantamax Pokemon and eventually curse to myself while throwing out a Pokeball and failing to capture it. The trade off for the wait rarely pays off.

For my criticism of online play and the graphics of Pokemon Sword/Shield though, there’s so much more to appreciate about the game than that. I don’t know if I’d throw out “best Pokemon game ever,” but I definitely agree that it’s the best Pokemon game since Black 2/White 2. Damn you IGN for having me agree with you.

If any of you reading this happen to be interested in my future presentation of Pokemon info at the 2020 Pop Culture Association National Conference, be sure to watch out for future info. I’ll let y’all know when I’m presenting the closer it is.

#blog #pop culture #video games #personal #pokemon #pokemon sword #pokemon shield #gen 8

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grodyego · 7 years

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i keep thinking about all these posts that r (understandably) trying to make light of the events of three buckets like “at ep 1: pb and finn host a sleepover to fight zombies! latest at ep: finn kills an alternate version of himself and furthers his trauma” but like... that’s the thing to me. this ep rlly does seem mostly dedicated to furthering finn trauma, which seems a little weird (narrative-wise to me) for a few reasons

this got really really long and kind of all over the place bc i care too much about cartoons so if you read it all i owe you my life

adventure time, to me, doesn’t seem to have any overreaching plot, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing! i think it’s why it’s gone on for as long as it has, bc the world and the characters who inhabit it are interesting enough to push themselves along with their own kind of personal narrative elements that develop and come to a head. like, think about it, do u actually care about the lich, like as a villain, at all? or do u care more about the threat he poses to the land of ooo and everybody in it??

so that being said, ppl who watch the show r really gonna care about finn and be invested in what he does and how he feels, i know i definitely am!! ive been watching at since it came out and, while finn is like a teen still in the show, it kinda feels like ive grown up along side him you know? this is my own personal bias showing thru rn but ive gone through some stuff, growing up, and just now am i learning how to like... get better, or have the hope i’ll get better, and i guess where most of my confusion and frustration stems is i want the same to happen to finn. finn’s been through so much traumatic stuff: the lich, farmworld, finding his human dad only to find out hes gonna get no answers out of him about what happened to the rest of the humans and why he is alone in that sense, almost dying in space (multiple times), like... the list really goes on. so my question is why does it KEEP going on, especially when the show is ending after this next season and after to me it seems like... from islands, elementals, and the episodes surrounding this, it seemed like the direction was going to be finn becoming like, i dunno. actually ok

like, lets look at islands as the main example: finn being the only human left in ooo came up a lot, even early on in the show: it was weird and confusing and sad!! i remember early on in the at fandom that was like the prime material for angst, and the shows really spent a long time all throughout its running building on this one thing about finn (and there are a lot of at episodes, trust me, ive been rewatching all of them). up until islands i was really on the fence about getting answers about the humans, about finn’s background (since he already had a family, really) how they might attempt to resolve finn’s feelings about this thing they’d been building for most of the show- but i absolutely ADORED islands! i still do! i think it was done really really well bc, you kind of get closure, yeah, you know humanity didnt go extinct, and you know how finn got out into the world of ooo, but like... finn got closure. it wasnt like he was instantly over it and everything was better, but it was just like... this step for him. and it was really heartfelt and really sweet and really satisfying bc finn’s gone thru so much and like, his earlier attempt at closure with his dad went so south and was so traumatic so this moment of like, i dunno, growth?? just, ugh, i dont even know how to put into words how i felt about it, this is already so long lmfao

related that tho was fern, and i loved fern!! i didnt once think he would go evil, even with being a cursed, bc even when we find out he isn’t really finn, and instead kind of new, his... origin i guess is finn?? and theres nothing that could make finn wholly evil, like, the kid who overcame the fcking lich with nothing but the power of friendship and liking somebody???? how could ANYTHING from him ever resort to evil, to me it just makes so little sense, especially since fern was the one himself who told finn he wasn’t just a finn copy, and had to go and find out for himself what being a hero and being somebody new meant to him. to go the “original” route and try to kill and replace finn, and then fight him to the death, from fern’s own story- it just doesn’t make sense and it just seems so disappointing. it seems so quick for him to go “being myself isn’t working” and then to go the route of attacking somebody who, up until now, he was probably closest to- and could understand him the best and reason this with him??? i dunno man, it seems like kind of a waste

and then finn has to kill somebody he was beginning to consider a brother, if not even closer, who was working on his own closure- and then to be traumatized again??? and with the rest of the episodes in the bomb too!!! learning that you can change and still be the same, marceline’s line about having difficulty dealing with some stuff because shes never talked about with anyone, even herself- and sweetpea asserting no matter where he came from, he’s good! this could have all come together with fern figuring out that it takes a lot to learn how to be yourself and that its often really complicated, and finn helping him like im sure he really wanted or was already trying to do! but finn has to be traumatized again because... i dont know???

at usually sticks to changing the status quo pretty well imo and taking more than one episode to end or solve things, so again with islands- if three buckets had ended differently, it wouldnt have automatically solved everything, but it would have been at least a step towards a happy resolution, for both finn and fern

#adventure time #at spoilers #three buckets

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thetawlfoundat · 6 years

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`The following blog is a ROUGH DRAFT I would like comment on. It will be featured on other blog sites and published in the Prison Insider a magazine that is trying to bring attention to Prison life and mass incarceration and its policies. Anne-Valerie ask me to write this blog and I would like comment on it before it is taken to press. Thank you and God Bless!

LOCKDOWN (i) "Lock down Lock down!" Are the first screams I hear. Yelled by as many prison personnel as possible. They are taught to use these screams to disorientate prisoners, so that they can take control. In the prison Housing Unit there are approximately 120 inmates; so 15-20 prison officers & staff rush out of their offices or from their post to usher us -by threat- to LOCK DOWN!

(ii) Instantly, my pulse quickens and my heart races due to the screams and obscene threats. Because I am in a High Security prison I have to first look for my "homies" (prisoners from my home town or gang) to see if they are under threat or in danger. If I fail to make sure they are safe or fail to come to their aid & assistance; when needed my other "homies" will revisit my failures via violence. So Once I am satisfied that my "homies" are safe I do as I am threatened and WALK to my cell.

(iii) As the cell door is slammed behind me, I go over in my mind my initial threat assessment. Although it took seconds to do, time actually slowed for me as I took in everything at once. This skill is honed by doing 16 years in the most volatile and violent prisons in America. As I wait for the door to be locked I hypothesize and try and figure out the probability of the time on lock down. Then it comes. That echo from the insidiously ominous "click". The "click" that sparks a moment of panic and feeling of entrapment. The "click" that tells you that you are now locked in your cell and there is nothing you can do about it. I feel I am being burried alive. My cell feels like a tomb. It is a debilitating feeling. I have to quickly shake it off and deal with the reality at hand; that reality being that we are going on lock down.

I turn to my cell-mate to ask him "what happened?". Even though I know that he knows as little as I do...or maybe not. I have learned that you ask questions in prison not so I can listen to the answer but for the purpose of reading the body language, speech patterns and behavior of the person I put the question to. So I do this to my cell-mate and watch him carefully as he answers. Since he doesn't know anything I move to the window.

(iv) At the window I do another threat assessment. The prisoners returning from their jobs or from the yard always know more than those who were in the Housing Units. Since we can't hear one another we talk thru furtive jesters or hand signals. If I can't get anyone's attention I watch the number of prisoners passing by every second. The more that pass by the less time on lock down. The less that pass by every second the higher the probability of being lock down for awhile. My concern grows.

(v) After this assessment I sit on my bunk and think. I am flooded with a wave of emotions, That threaten to drown me. My emotions range from being glad I did not have to come to the assistance of any of my "homies". Then I grow disappointed as my daily routine has just been interrupted. Next I grow angry because my communications with my family and love ones have come to an abrupt halt. Communication is a great barrier for prisoners. The one way to lose communications with people is repeated locked downs. Lock downs are deleterious to maintaining a communications with people on the outside. I am pissed and depressed all at once.

At that thought, suddenly, everything in my life starts to feel unsettled. But I can't dwell on that because now worry creeps in; it tells me to think about my own safety. So I go thru the scenarios. Did a prisoner attack a prison officer, official or staff? If so their will be retaliation. Did one of my "homies" get into it with another group of prisoners. If so the repercussions could last years. Someone could end up dead. Other things creep into my mind as well; like is my cellmate holding any contraband (weapons or drugs). If so we are sure to be stripped searched while on lock down and if they find it they will charge us both. Overwhelmed by these emotions I lay back on my bed and curse. I think to myself "here we go again". I am frustrated. I am angry. I am distraught.

(vi) Since lockdowns happen so often in high level federal prisons -at a minimum of two, every 90 days not spent on lock down- I prepare myself mentally to share a small cell with another grown man. If I am lucky this will only be for a week. If I am unlucky this will extend 14-30 days. Hopefully, my cellmate has prepared for lock down like me. because we are served cold food (bologna and artificial cheese) for 7 days, prisoners usually have a "lock down" bag under their beds. This bag consist of instant soups, chips and cookies. I am hoping my cell mate has a lock down bag because if not I will have to share mine. In the case of long lock downs managing food can be an extra dynamic that can be stressful in an already ultra stressful environment. Not having food or not sharing food can lead to violence between cellmates and any fight in prison, especially in a locked cell can mean a fight to the death.

Because of these facts I ask my cell-mate if he has enough food for lock down. I inventory my own bag to make sure that I will have enough for us both in case we are locked down for weeks. The last thing I need is a fight to the death between me and my cell mate over food. For "lifers" like myself, a murder done in self-defense can be construed by an over zealous Assistant United States Attorney as an "aggravating factor". If so determined I could be tried for the death penalty. This law only applies to lifers. My cell mate on the other hand could kill me and probably only get 8 years. The irony in my particular situation is that I was given a Life sentence based on non-violent drug crime and he was given a much lesser term of imprisonment than me for a murder- a violent crime. I laugh at that hypocrisy and scoff at the disadvantage and decide to out think my cell mate for the entire time we are locked down. I will need my mind to tow the line.

After I am satisfied that I have enough food for us both I close my eyes and calm myself. It will take some time but it has to be done. I already know what will happen. It will take 72 hours before I get a shower. We will get stripped searched and our cell searched. What prisoners call a "shake-down". If my family calls to the prison, due to my absence of communication, they will be given no information about what is happening and will not even be told if I am alive or well. This small injustice will probably cause my family member or love one to blame or reprimand me for putting them thru all of this and knowing I am part of the cause I feel guilty and grow even more angrier. Something I have to quickly gain control of this is the wrong time to be thinking irrationally. So I breath and find my calm and drift into the silence as I know that 65% of the prison population is doing the same ritual as me.

(vii) On this lock down there was no assault on staff. I learn however, that it was one group against another group. I am relieved that my "homies" are not involved. If they were once off of lock down I would have to "strap up" go to the yard and probably "get it in" with prison knives (some laced with poison made from human feces) and face the gun tower and concussion grenades. I still have to be cautious if I do go to the yard because I could get caught up in a gang battle; where we all look alike according to the gun towers.

Since no one can visit during lock down I send out a letter informing my love ones or family that I am on lock down. Sometimes I don't send anything because I do not want to worry my family. It is at this that time I start separating my property. There is no telling what may be taken during the cell search. Usually things like pictures or cards - that remind me of my love ones or family. My favorite pair of shorts or work out shirt or a hat. Anything that gives me serenity. Stuff that seems insignificance like a particular pen ( I write that special person with) or a cup or a new pair of sneakers or an extra set of cleats (one to practice in one to play in). Things that seem small when complained about but hold strong sentimental value to a prisoner. My biggest concern is losing my mailing stamps. Stamps are the currency in prison and losing my cache of stamps is equal to a person in the free world losing their life savings. These are things that are worth great personal value. Things I use to make it thru everyday prison life. Things that don't make me feel like a convict. Things that make me feel normal.

(viii) Three things will happen on lock down: 1) I will get stripped searched; 2) my cell will be torn apart during the cell search; and 3) I am sure to lose something of value and someone of value I communicate with during this lockdown. The first day of lock-down is always the easiest. you catch up on all the sleep you have lost. Sleep lost by having to wake up as soon as the doors open; so as to be "on-point" for any eventuality. Several inmates feel relief, as I do during the first day of lock down; which I usually spend sleeping all day.

It is the second day of lock down that I begin checking my cellmates mental fortitude. making my threat assessment. Long periods of lock down are mentally and emotionally taxing. A prisoner can lose their mind in a matters of hours on lock down. Being trapped in a small cell with another person having to get use to all their oddities and quirks. Having to get use to their body odor and the odor from them using the bathroom. The auras in the room are palpable. So I have to first make sure that my cellmate is not going thru any personal problems. So I spark up a small conversation that is prodding. What I want to accomplish is to make sure he is not a threat tome or himself. however, I have to do this in a way where he doesn't think that I think he is weak. you can't be viewed as weak in prison and if you imply someone is weak it could cause a violent reaction. My cell-mate is find but I begin to wonder if he is working the same assessment on me.

(ix) The next thing I do is hone in on my inner strength. I do this to raise my tolerance. I will have to endure alot; the prison staff especially. On lock down the prison staff works harder. So some prison staff feel angered or annoyed by this fact. Which they take out on the prisoner. Other prison staff are happy. Why? because lock downs give them an opportunity to be more oppressive than usual. Then there is the staff that loath prisoners so much that during lock downs this indifference becomes almost like another entity. Their indifference causes them to speak to you and treat you like a stray animal. They also use this indifference to try to strip you of your inalienable right to being treated like another human being. I've learned to use anger to combat these behaviors. Anger is usually the only thing that helps you survive during a lock down, however, too much anger can take you to the darkest places imaginable. Anger will grip you and turn on you and most prisoners with lengthy sentences have felt this compelling emotion. It is one that shakes you to the core and causes you to fight for your mental sanity. A feeling so all consuming that you never want to feel it again. So I tow the line. I have learned to use just enough anger to get me thru the oppressiveness of prison without taking me into the brink of insanity. During lock down you may come face to face with this peril so you prepare for this.

I am sure my cell mate has experienced this walk between sanity and insanity. However, no one speaks of it. Again no one can be perceived as being weak. So I make sure I and my cell mate have some outlet for this anger. We read or write or speak of better times in better places. Some prisoners totally reinvent themselves. They use fabrications to keep sane. Some exercise. Whatever is needed I will make sure we do to elevate any anger he or I hold close. The irony is that while I make sure we have an outlet I also come up with strategies and scenarios to physically disable him. I find that my cell mate must be doing the same with me because we both watch one another closely.

(X) On or about the third day of lock down I am awakened to the unified screams of 30 correctional officers (C.O.) telling me to "get ready for a shake down". To "Strip down to just your boxers and shower shoes. My heart begins to race and I increase my anger slightly. I am mentally preparing to be taken out my cell-mate 1/2 naked, handcuffed behind my back and walked back wards out my cell to a shower stall.

The following ins the continuation of the lock down blog ============================

` LOCK DOWN III

At the shower I am stripped searched. While naked The officer tells me open my mouth, he checks behind my ears, he tells me to lift my genitals, he tells me to turn around and bend over so he can look up my rectum, then he tells me to squat and cough. I am determined not to let him humiliate me during this process. In fact I have prepared my body thru rigorous exercise so it will humiliate him. I let him know with my eyes I am not intimidated. He smirks and goes to the next stall. Even though I am waiting in the shower stall I am unable to take a shower. I have no soap no towel no wash cloth. Just a pair of boxers I have had on for 3 days and shower shoes. I notice there is something green and fuzzy growing on the shower walls I will have to tell the guy who cleans them about this. MERSA can lead to a person missing a limb or worse.

After about 45 minutes I am allowed to go back to my cell. Once again handcuffed behind my back and escorted. because my cell has been thoroughly searched it looks as if it has been vandalized. Me and my cellmate with out talking make a concerted effort to get things back in order. It takes us nearly an hour to clean up and inventory what is missing. My cell mate is cursing and seems frustrated. I have to quickly get a hold of the situation before he explodes. The Officer has taken pictures of his daughter. Who he has not seen in 4 years and has had to watch grow up via pictures. Once that situation is under control I find my personal items are missing as well. A picture as well of friends I no longer have.

(xi) Once settled I go to air vent in my cell. I listen to the joys and sorrows of other prisoners. Some happy that their contraband was not found. Some irritated that personal effects were destroyed or taken. Some are just missing; taken to the Special Housing Unit where they will be on lockdown for 90-180 days. The over all mood is somber. No prisoner likes Shakedowns. The information I receive from the vent will be useful when we come off of lockdown. I go to my narrow bunk and lay down. I think abut taking a "bird-bath" in my sink but I end up falling asleep. Emotionally and mentally exhausted.

The next morning I get an unsuspected surprise. They are allowing us to go take a shower. I go thru the same protocol. I am handcuffed behind my back and walked out my cell backwards and to the shower stall. This time I am allowed soap and a towel and a wash cloth. It has been more than 72 hours and the thought of a shower has lifted my spirits. I smile for the first time in four days.

(x) Things are always less tense on lockdown when prisoners take showers. My cellmate seems relieved, I feel relieved, the conversation between me and him is less tense. Even though we are still being served half frozen bologna sandwiches I feel hopeful. Hopeful that lockdown will end soon and that I won't lose as much as I fear once off of lock down. I pick up a book and I read and wait. Wait for the Warden to send a memo stating why we are on lockdown and when we will be coming off. I do not disturb my cellmate as this is the first night I will be able to go to sleep with out having to keep one eye opened.

As expected on the 5th day of lock down the Warden sends in a memo. It is slid under my cell door. I see it when I get up to use the rest room. The memo states what the Warden will tolerate and won't tolerate. It promises of more lock downs if certain behavior is perpetrated or continued. I ask my cell mate if he wants to read it. He shakes his head no and lays back down. I rip the memo up and flush it down the toilet. The memo is typical and will make no difference. In high level prisons certain things are almost as certain as the principals of Universal Law. I lay back down and continue in my routine of waking up, reading or writing and exercising in my cell. Me and my cell mate make small talk to check one another's mental state...I wait. Wait for the end of lock down which seems to be sooner than later.

(xi) On the 7th day of lock down we are served an "enhanced meal". Which means we have frozen carrots and celery with our 1/2 frozen bologna sandwiches. My caloric intake is around 1200 calories a day so I lose weight. me and my cell mate both mention that it won't be long now. A couple more days at best. He sounds hopeful I feel hopeful. And it happens. The odd thing is that something in me is growing. A small fear and contentment. I know the longer we stay on lock down the more apt I am to want to stay on lock down. I only have to deal with one person I sleep when I want I can exercise and I do not have to interact with the prison staff; who can be antagonizing and disrespectful. I feel "safer" in my cell with one person than in my Unite with 100 or in the prison with 1,000 people. I shake this feeling because if I let it grow I will become a recluse. I will become "institutionalized" more so than I am now.

On the 9th day I hear the cell doors being g unlocked. My heart races. In seconds I have to transform from one mental state to another. I have to be ready for every eventuality. Instead of one person to account for there will be my homies the prison staff and administration the corrections officers in my block who may have problems at home and come in to take them out on you. I am no longer relaxed. I am no longer tolerant. I grow angry I appear to be in control but menacing dripping with the threat of violence for anyone who may think I have grown weak. I know the assessment is done daily. So I prepare... mentally.

Then it comes. That "CLICK". That echo from that insidiously ominous "CLICK". The "click" that tells you we are coming off of lockdown. The "click" that says prepare for the next lock down. Prepare to deal with the reality of perpetual violence. Prepare for the volatility of everyday prison life. Prepare to explain to your family and love ones why you left abruptly for the last 9 days. Prepare, prepare and stay ever vigilant.

(xii) For me the "click" that lets me off and on lock down is the worse feeling there is. It haunts my dreams in the day and at night. It reminds me of my plight. It lets me know how fragile my life can be and how much control I have over my life. It mocks me and laughs at me. It is constant. It is there waiting for me every time I lock in my cell. Every time I am placed on lock down, every time I am allowed out my cell. It is permanent and makes me wonder if this will be my permanent place of rest. I can only imagine how many other prisoners feel this way. We don't speak about things like this. But I see it in all of their eyes. They fear the "CLICK" like I do. I will keep this information to myself...it may save my life one day.

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