#johnny said his piece; he nurtured the book as much as he could; but it was hurting him and he had to give up on it

[technicolorxsn]

love how there are pretentious video essays that just repeat the book and meander and ramble about house of leaves. it's what zampanó would have wanted. it is not, however, what I want

[cajunpotateaux]

An open letter to my dad’s side of the family,

I don’t quite really know where to begin.. I could start with the beginning of my life, but I don’t have many memories to recall, but from what I hear y’all have some pretty golden memories of me..  I can’t really start with the early childhood-adolescence either, because it wasn’t enough for any of y’all to worry about, much less the 5-15 year old, (lol?)  Okay then, I’ll start there, 2012, sophomore year of high school, the best and my best year, (special thank you to the Badeaux Family.)  This is the year that Johnny stopped paying any of the bills he was paying... I remember Gamy filling our fridge, because there was literally only mayo in there...  We ended up being evicted, so all 4 of us packed up and moved in with Grandma Cindy and Grandpa Wayne..  Thank you, for opening up your home to us and doing the best you could, I unfortunately did not stay because I preferred to stay at my high-school, but I am glad I didn’t because I could only imagine the responsibility of mediator.  BUT like wtf.... I can only imagine how this single of mother of three, teetering in such an abusive relationship must’ve felt gathering her kids up to stay at her EX-HUSBAND’S FATHER’S HOUSE?? And y’all judged the fuck out of her, for the men she talked to and confided in you in, to her whereabouts when she was trying to find a job, and whatever the fuck. Y’all think she wanted to have to do that? You think she was trying to do it for her own benefit?? If your son, would’t have up and left her with 2 fucking kids, do you think she’d be in this position? Or wouldn’t you think all of this was because she needed to take care of the family HER AND JOSHUA started???? DO YOU REALLY THINK IT WAS ONLY HER RESPONSIBILITY?? Okay, whatever it didn’t work out (not surprised) and Mama moves in with Gamy and Gampy, cool, i missed my siblings anyway.  Once mama gets back up on her feet again, gets a house (right down the road from kaylyn which saved my life,) and low and behold, guess which motherfucker weasels his way back into our lives’?  Oh boy did you guess it!  Johnny E. Taylor, made his way back into my moms heart because he was tired of staying on his mama’s sofa, tsk tsk.  I’m 15 at this time, 2014, teachers talk to Mrs. Christina Badeaux at this time and tell them how much my attitude and dedication have really taken a downturn, I also started smoking weed this year.

Johnny’s around for a couple of months, but I’m too strong minded at this point.. He can’t abuse us anymore, physically, mentally, nothing.  He’s weak and he leaves, but I’m sure he still managed to drain my mom of what he could..  My mom and I had a rough time after he left, I’m sure I could have been a little more sensitive to her “withdrawals” but I was just too damn happy, I was just too damn safe.  Once he left, mom and I had some problems.. I can’t recall exactly where they lay, but there were some pretty flamboyant altercations.  From there I went into my senior year, the first part of that year was fun, honestly, I was so in lust with that I wasn’t thinking straight, but who could blame her?  2015..  5 years ago from where I am now, that’s ringer year.  That boy I was so in lust with, was cheating on me and breaking up with me every holiday (you’d think I’d realize,) got my first job at Black’s, and basically stopped going to school.  I got arresting Mardi Gras night this year, as a 17 year old passenger, with less that .5 gram of weed in my purse and 1 item of paraphernalia, with no identification.  AND Y’ALL LET ME PLEAD NO CONTEST, WITH NOT A LAWYER???  You mean to tell me my FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION working grandparents, let their 17 year old granddaughter, walk into a court room with no lawyer... Ok, whatever. I took my lick, sentencing went a little something like this:

Judge: we’ll drop the paraphernalia charge, and your punishment is $800 in fines or 10 days in jail.

Me: Do I have a certain amount of time to pay the fine?

Officer: Yes, we can suspend your license for 30 days and you have 30 days to pay that.

Me: Ok, but I’m a 17 year old senior and I live in Abbeville, and take a bus to and from school or have my mom bring me to work.

Officer: Ok, then I’ll have to book you until you pay, and every day a balance drops off your fine.

Me: uh ok...

I then went to jail for a total of 5 days, of my 10 day sentence, before Gampy came to get me (:  He paid my fines, and just reminded me to be sure to pay him back.  I could absolutely do that, thank you Gampy. After this, spring break started and after that, I couldn’t deal with the shit of walking into that school after being arrested and gone for almost 3 weeks straight now.  I just stopped going.  I later on got a call from the school board in April, and they wondered about me, they had faith in me, it felt like, “we don’t even know your father, so we have no preconceived idea of who you’re going to be other than, you’re wonderful school record up until the last couple of months.”  They let me finish my classes online, and walk with my class through that rachet ass gym. You should have seen my peers faces (;  Only downside was, I no longer had to pay back the $300 left to Gampy as a graduation gift. Now mind you I’m more than happy to have my debts paid, but I’m a little sentimential when it comes to gifts for my achievements and its sucks to look back and my ONLY graduation gift was $300 to a fine.. My dad got out of jail the next day...

I graduated and was determined to get my boyfriend back. So I did, and we moved in together that June.  Had a great time, it was nice to get out of Abbeville.  August of this year was the worst, but now that I look back was a form of rebirth for my self.  The first week of August, just days after paying rent, my boyfriend admits that he doesn’t love me (surprise!) I refuse to move out, until the month is over ( have to wait for my mom to help me move.) We break up, and a couple of days later I get to see Ethan, I didn’t know this, but it would be the last time I’d ever see him.  We laughed about him being in room 420, and he tells me happy birthday..  A couple days later it’s my 18th birthday!! Which was super overrated, and my dad got arrested a couple of days later, and Ethan found peace after a long fight.  Completely defeated after this month, I moved home and I didn’t finish my probation.

The next couple of months are a blur but also survival mode.. Mom was going to work, and cosmetology school. I was sleeping, watching Andie and Aiden, cleaning the house and trying to figure out what to make for dinner with $6.29 at the dollar store.. I got caught shoplifting at wal-mart, moved in with these 30 year old lesbians, and lost the most important chest, containing birth certificates, letters from my dad, any hs artwork, ALLL my important personals, gone. Forgot in a house, and thrown away.  Moved back in with mom, and wasted away on a sofa from November till March, until I called Grandma and Grandpa, asking for help to regain direction in my life, so they offered to move me out to Idaho and do their best. Yay!  I moved here thinking of how great of a relationship we could create and how much I could learn, I mean I have so much fun with them on vacation, lol.  Grandma, I love you and I thank you for your hardworking genes, but like c’monnnn I’m you’re closest blood, and I’m not just talking miles. I’m talking my existence is literally due part to the being you had. And you don’t even put an effort into knowing me, you think you have me all figured out with everything you’ve heard through grape vines or whatever, bullshit.  I’ve been closer to you than I ever been and it doesn’t even feel like it.  You’re the only family I have in a great radius and I’ve literally had to create my own at 22 years old without creating the same mistakes as my parents. So give me a round of applause because we all know I deserve it.  You were gunna let me get wrapped up in a system just like my father.  AND THEN GRANDPA ROY TELLS ME HE’D LIKE TO SMOKE WEED AGAIN AT HIS RETIREMENT PARTY??? that’s really how y’all let that go down, and then have the nerve to make judgement of my life thinking that I may take a path of my father???  To restrict nurturing and love towards me because you can’t control the freedom therefore outcome of my life.. Is it because you feel accountable in some way??? I overcame all odds, and I will destroy the generational muck you’ve left for me. 

With that being said, you can deny your accountability, but the way I see it, Josh wasn’t there for Andie and I.  My parents created a life the both wanted, and my dad left, leaving ALL responsibility on my mom.  Now I definitely know that if the 2 families that make up my father’s side of the family, stepped up the best they could like Gamy and Gampy to fill in the pieces my mom couldn’t, I wholeheartedly believe that Andie and I’s perception of childhood could have been a little lighter.  A couple of months ago, Grandpa Roy said a comment while I was working that really shook my world.. We were talking about my mom, as it so causally comes up, saying, “we had to draw the line at buying her a house.”  Initially, I laughed it off, because my mom is known of asking a little too much.  But as a 22 year old, I couldn’t imagine having a kid, much less another 4 years after that, and then DADDY LEAVES.  But I could only imagine, what not having to worry about putting a roof over the children's heads’ could’ve prevented.  Maybe my mother would have been more confident to do it all on her own, less dependent on the man that’s abused her kids.  I can only imagine.

With that being said, none of this mentions any of Andie’s story, the one who I tried my hardest to protect, but was always the easier victim.

I am thankful for the blood I have received, I believe the strong mentality is what got me through the hardest parts of my life so far.  I will continue to look for solace for my childhood Lilly, for she deserves the world.