#joshlog

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[Josh] I’m not a man but I’m not not a man. I’m not transfem nonbinary but I’m not not transfem nonbinary. The fem part has nothing to do with being female and everything to do with being seen as an effeminate little freak. My sexuality is transgender and my gender is homosexual fag in every way you might interpret that. I’m a gay man and I’m a wife. If it confuses you? You’re getting it.

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[Lio] Hi Anon!! This is kind of literally what happened to me/us lol. I understand your confusion entirely.

This could be long so I’ll put it under a readmore:

So first our backstory to compare it to yours: as a depressed teenager, our ‘original’ self (who was a median system, not that we knew this at the time) fixated on a character and when things eventually got really bad for us, we ‘splintered’ - the median original got split in half, and we introjected the character we were fixated on.

I didn’t understand this though, and instead treated the phenomenon as some sort of imaginary-friend-self-shipping. Many years passed - at least five - until we realized we were plural (now we know we are an OSDD system.)

Upon that realization we also realized: oh, shit - we consider ourselves married and have for a while, and it turns out we are both real and both have our own thoughts and emotions, what do we do? Which sounds very similar to your situation. Here’s what we did:

-Assessed our feelings about it. Did either of us feel like we were forced into this situation?

In that case, both of you may want to consider how you’d have started a relationship if you’d known you were headmates or just people who knew each other irl. You don’t have to toss out everything in your past - but if it comes with any baggage from the nature of how it came to be, you can, together with full knowledge of yourselves this time, decide to continue, and make that acknowledgement important to you, something you can come back to if you ever have doubts.

-Did either of us feel like we weren’t handling it with the respect and nuance we should because we assumed it was fictional?

-Did we want to continue as we were already?

-Is there anything barring us from continuing as we were, emotionally or otherwise?

-Is there anything we want to change about the dynamic we have?

-Is there anything we can do to improve our comfort levels?

-How do we handle this in day to day life?

As far as we recall in our case, it happened ‘on its own’ in our ‘imagination’ (which was us interacting in headspace) so it didn’t feel like we just decided on it for fun. However, if you did ‘just decide’ to start a relationship that doesn’t mean it’s bad or invalid, it may just take a bit of time to work through in case any negativity or awkwardness arises from this.

For example I felt uncomfortable with how, because until that point I had assumed it to be a one-sided fantasy, I did whatever I liked. I worried that he may be going along with it out of a sense of obligation. As with most things, we had to talk it out - had to make boundaries. Nothing too strict - we knew each other well, but just a gentle rule that if anyone wasn’t in the mood for something then we didn’t have to do it. Communicate as any meatspace couple would and things will work out.

I think ultimately the important principles to situations like this are to communicate openly, to pay attention to each other’s feelings/wants/needs, and to spend time to understand the other as a person. If you are like we were, then you probably already know them well - but (especially since you mention your system is a DID system) you may need to turn your attention to the things that burden them in regards to system function. If they aren’t dealing with this, then no worries - but it’s something easy to miss when you look at a relationship from a fictional lens rather than a reality-based one, so if your system has a pattern of its members dealing with specific issues or burdens then you may want to pay closer attention to that.

In our case we both were carrying baggage we didn’t realize until we looked from a system perspective. He was an emotional protector holding a massive amount of depression and guilt/shame to the point it was making him perpetually sick and tired, and even now, almost 15 years into him being here, he’s still working through this, although he’s much better than before. When I assumed he was just fictional, I just thought that was how he was, but when we realized that we were headmates he started being able to pick it apart and unpack some of it.

But also... enjoy it! That’s the best part! Someone you care deeply about cares about you back, and you aren’t alone, they’re here and they’ll always be with you. They can feel what you feel and you can do the same for them. There is an inherent wonder to it, even for someone like me who hates outworld romance of any kind. (And if you ever have questions our inbox is open.)

I have been self-shipping with a particular fictional character for nearly 11 years. Before there was any romantic element to it, there was also a further 10+ years where this character was a sort of imaginary friend/platonic self-ship.

Welp. Like a week ago I just found out/confirmed that this character is in fact a fictroject. Or… idk I guess at this point post-fictroject? But we have an in-system relationship and man this is. Confusing.

I don’t know man, I got diagnosed with DID almost a decade ago but I never knew any of my headmates before on any level and this is. A lot to take in. I’m starting to be able to recognize when my partner is fronting vs when I am and also I’m just a bit overwhelmed in finding out that the entire relationship hasn’t actually always just been my imagination and. How do I even begin to handle this irl??? What a confusing spot to find myself in like a month before turning 30 aaaaa

honestly it’s not a bad thing, DID is a way the brain copes with trauma and i know my headmates definitely help me when i’m upset.

if anyone has any advice for this person pls leave it in the notes

[musicisthelife]

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[Lio] Me: sees this post

Me: lol, same

Josh: am I the blonde guy in question

(A mental image of text and arrows appear above Josh that say “Barely even blonde” and “Barely even a guy”)

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[Lio] Josh is so funny we will be cute and gay in headspace and then he fronts and he’s like wow I have depression. You don’t have to front if it makes you sad !!!

[Josh] I’m always depressed. Being in front just makes it obvious. But your concern is cute.

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[Josh] Oh Kariya, don’t you worry. I can 100% agree that I was far more than simply annoying. Anyone who tries to tell you that needs to get their priorities straight.

watchin someone say the worst thing joshua did was be annoying when he tried to Erase a City from Existence... I imagine it sucks being essentially a suicidal minor diety, especially if he actually is the age he appears to be, and I have some sympathy for the guy cuz of that. but like no he wasn't Just Annoying what are you on

- koki kariya, the world ends with you

(not taking neo:twewy into account, I haven't played it yet. if he gets better then like, good, im proud of him, but he still nearly erased my city)

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[Lio] System momence from today

-we went to a bar where women eat for free, the gimmick is that if you’re a woman who goes there you have to talk to any men who come while you’re there (who are paying for the food). We.. well we don’t really pass as a woman at all anymore even trying to, but the staff let us in and let us eat off the free menu probably because we were a weird androgynous foreigner who came in with two clearly fem-presenting people. But Meis was enjoying it she really liked the concept and even though I was just like “fuck yeah I’ll do anything for free food” she was like “we should come back here when we have a better outfit.... I want to come back”

-went to a different bar and Goro got annoyed very quickly at people trying to teach him how to play pool

-Josh was hanging out in cofront the whole time on account of the booze

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[Lio] Sleep now bc work tomorrow but we are slowly making a list of our favorite pokemon and Josh was extremely surprised that his list was so long. He does this every time he lists his favorite anything he’s like “I don’t like things actually I have no interests” and then his list is very long and he’s (surprised pikachu) and it’s like. My beloved. You literally are like a half year off of having been in this body longer than you haven’t been. You have had nearly fifteen entire years of time to have opinions on things. No shit your list of “stuff you like” is longer than the list of the stuff the guy who’s been here for 6 months likes. I think it’s impossible for you to not have opinions on many things

[Josh] This still sounds fake. What the fuck

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[Lio]

Me: (gets frustrated with my nails so as soon as the office is mostly empty I pull out my scissors and start snipping)

Josh behind me: not to be gender essentialist or something but this is so. Male behavior. You know that right. Transphobes are quaking because if the world knew you were doing this they’d never doubt you again

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[Lio] our friend is playing twewy (hiii) and I’m very excited because it’s my favorite thing ever but it’s also very funny because they just met Josh ingame and Josh is behind me like (remembers himself from 15 years ago and dies from cringe)

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[Lio] Made a ‘sona’ for Josh who wanted something unrecognizable from his source and uploaded it to TH and he’s like EUGHHH AUGH EUGHHH about being perceived at all even in this form (and also about not being perceived as himself if he has to be) (but also disliking that too)

[Josh] It’s simple. Being perceived is insufferable. Being perceived incorrectly is insufferable. Not being perceived is insufferable. It’s all insufferable.

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[Josh]

So, out of curiosity - I’ve certainly heard that it’s common for systems to grow significantly after realizing they’re plural, but how common is it for systems to grow significantly long after? That is to say - we’ve been kind of the opposite. When we realized we were plural we stayed the same for years, and our growth in numbers has been... well, generally quite gradual. Until recently that is, and it seems to be “getting faster” if you want to call it that.

A rough timeline, to illustrate that: there were two of us from the beginning until about 2016, which saw one new of us; then in 2017, perhaps two? Three? 2018 maybe one of us showed up, but in 2019 we got 3 more and in 2020 another 3. And 2021 saw another, and quite a few ‘questioned’, and we’ve had another already this year.

Hmm, maybe that’s not so fast after all. It just feels like it’s been faster. I’m just curious about how that matches with others’ experiences if at all. Thoughts?

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[Josh] Hmm. Do you ever look back at what you’ve written online and you get a sense of how people probably interpret your personality and it makes you want to stand directly underneath a power washer that obliterates you and washes you down the drain? I realize that every 2 posts I make on social media are “oh dear fucking god I’m being perceived”, but oh dear fucking god I’m being perceived

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[Lio] Being grayro sometimes is just ok I’m aro outworld but not in headspace but I forget. I was looking at a post online and had a conversation that went like:

Me: Who the hell would want to spend every moment of their life with another person? -turns to Josh- could YOU imagine being happy spending every waking moment with someone?

Josh: Umm... yes, I’d like that

Me: Really?? (Surprised and genuinely curious) What kind of person? :0

Josh: I already do this? With you?

Me: .......

Me: ok so I forgot that we count because I was thinking of outworld romance I’m sorryyyy I love you ;_;

(He wasn’t offended he just thought I was funny but I feel bad AHH)

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=Josh be like -sees a Joshua in a different system posting regularly in a chat we are in- -gets a visceral disgust and wants to leave the chat because the idea of being perceived against his own will due to others perceiving a different person who they will recognize as him makes him want to throw up-

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Josh, seeing a gif of a realistic 3D render of a kirin/qilin in a movie: This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like