#jst dont letme doi t to yuo too okay plase

[saltwater-maple]

i really wish i knew how to feel anything other than absolute numbness

i really wish i could have done something today instead of sitting around deliberating over the heaviness in my chest while pretending like i was reading one of my ARC books to review so that mom wouldnt nag me

i really wish i hadnt gotten so attached to Her, that when She left it didnt hurt so much, that i could stop dreaming about Her every week, that i could just get over it already like a normal person would, what the hell is wrong with you, wil?--because maybe if i was normal, if i had acted normally, it wouldnt have hurt, and i wouldnt have closed myself off, and i wouldnt have lost everyone else too, and i wouldnt have found myself lost in this endless sea of no matter what you do everyone you ever love is going to realize how utterly irrepairable and overwhelmingly needy you are and theyre all going to leave you

and i really wish i could just go one fucking day without feeling like im drowning in every bad feeling ive ever had in my entire life. just one day!!! thats it!! because no one likes to be around me when im like this, and i know they dont, because experience tells me that being like this is the point where people realize that contact with me is truly not worth the effort, because history has repeated itself four times with me as if i didnt get the lesson the first time

and i really wish i could just hide everything better, be the perfect happy always supportive never hurt person that i used to pretend to be so that no one would leave, no one would get hurt because i dared to feel--because now my best friend is a god damn fish for fucks sake, the only thing in this world i can talk to openly anymore and even then probably the only reason it hasnt left is because it fucking physically cannot but oh im sure if it could it would have

because if i can lose my girlfriend and our bestfriend for daring to feel, because if i can lose a best friend and unrequited love; a girlfriend; someone who was a sibling to me just for daring to feel

whats stopping me from losing everything else down to the only pet i have that tolerates me, and even then only out of necessity? whats stopping history from repeating itself over and over again until i finally understand how to hide every feeling ive ever had from everyone ive ever loved, until i learn how to stay completely closed off while pretending im the most open and happiest person in the entire universe? until i learn that every person that will ever enter my life is temporary, that i should never believe theyll stay, that no one will ever stay

why is this the life i have to live in

what did i do to deserve this

what did i do for every person i ever loved and trusted to leave me and what did i do to never be able to learn how to make it stop hurting? why is it always me that ends up hurt the most? why am i the one left crying two years, four years later? what did i do wrong? why did it have to be me?