#just feels kind of fucked up. maybe it’s more fucked up thst im not following the flow and accepting the weight of it but it’s hard to when

[pepprs]

like it’s VERY very important to not text and drive. and i understand how dangerous it is to do that and to be distracted at all in any way for any amount of time on the road. i know it’s important to learn about these stories and bear witness to them. but i just think. like idk. watching multiple of them every day for 10 days (with a two day break halfway through for the weekend) is realy… like idk. i think after seeing a couple you can get the point. i don’t want to sound dismissive or lackadaisacal and im scared im sounding like that but i just am so freaked out by all of this and witb every new horror they’re showing us it’s scaring me worse.

[fatal-rewrites-warriors]

apparently im actually on starlight now which thank god im that much closer to the end

Starlight liveblog: chapter 5 to 7

this isnt even about warriors but i think its so weird when people use leaped instead of leapt. leapt just sounds better imo

so like. in the context of canon, hawkfrost wanting to camp on the island makes sense. like. yeah, its more protected than the place mistyfoot suggested, but fucking...the argument they should have made is that the elders and disabled cats would have trouble getting there, but it isnt brought up in the argument even tho that would have shown thst misty knows what shes doing? instead, the scene just makes mistyfoot look kind of irrational and it sucks.

why does bramble need to hear tallstar's dying words tho

and why didnt Barkface come back with Onewhisker?? i know he was getting herbs but he had to know there was nothing else he could do for him...?? like. there legitimately shouldve been at least one other windclan cat here it just...it feels juuuuust a little contrived to me

Firestar proving once again that he has no fucking sense as a leader as he offers to announce tallstars decision for onewhisker...like bro. even brambleclaw is like "um maybe dont?"

Bramble: Onewhisker isnt acting very leaderly right now

Also Bramble: I think Onewhisker would make a better leader than Mudclaw

Ngl folks Im team Mudclaw right now. Not only were there just not enough witnesses from Windclan, but Thunderclan is the one announcing the news?? Thats sus as hell and Firestar should keep his fucking nose out of it

wow they actually acknowledged that Ashfoot is Crowfeather's mother

see like. my issue with this arc is that a lot of characters are called out on their dumb shit, or at least the pov character will think it's wrong, but there are no consequences and its never followed up on? like you cant just point out the problem. you gotta do something about it!

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

[xselfxtorturedx]

The castle part II

After the prolonging hours dread with unexpecting uncertainty, all I could do was anticipate the text message i have been waiting for. Finally being releaved after a ten our shift, i enter my busted car and look on the phone.

NEW MESSAGE at 11:35 pm.

"Hey, so I was thinking we havee been texting since you came to the castle. Maybe we could meet and go for a drink? If you're not busy of course but, I'd love to get to know you when we're both not working. Let me know yeah?"

I respond but wait before I hit send. Do. I really want to do this? Is this just for fun or for sedating serious emotions that are rising due to the need for touch? I reply to her response with great urgency.

"Hey! Sorry I just off work, we can meet anytime but i live about thirty minutes away from you area? Do I come to you or you come to me?" I send it with so much eagerness for a fast reply, maybe I'm just losing it.

NEW MESSAGE.

"Hey! Nice you just got me while I'm free. I just left friends house. I can meet you just tell me what bar you want to go to and ill meet you there while you go and change. Im sorry your day had been long. Cant wait to meet!

.....the night is gracious and young....

I am finally done showering and ready to go. I ignore the nosey roommate who asks questions like a parental figure, and venture off to meet the red haired vixen. I pull I no the smallest parking lot of the most busiest bar. The blinding white light reads off the black and red colors of the half assed design of calligraphy reading : 'Midway bar and grill.' I enter and try not to look so eager and desperate. I find her underneath the blue moon neon sign that hangs above her head, shimmering the mixtures of colors to create an almost perfect purple halo glow. To my surprise she is no longer blonde but dyed her hair a mahoginy red. Either way she still looked beautiful to me. She smiles and waves me down like a long time friend who is happy to reunite once again. We shy at each other, creating small talk to fulfill the time spared of truth or drink mugs and shots. Serious questions pop into the small talk that open us up like a lotus flower. I am trying not to be so fixated on her eyes but her beauty thst holds her resilient grace is beyond captivating. "So have you used your purchases yet?" Not fully understanding what she just asked it finally clicked on what she meant. "Oh... a couple times yes. Haha, why do you ask?" Her polite smile emerges into a devilish smile, full of lustful secrets that beacons me to unravel for her. " well I was thinking about it. I know I'm going to probably regret this and it's fine if you shoot it down. But I am into you and you seem like you need and want some fun in your life. And I think you're beautiful and my day is filled with innocent and sinful thoughts of you. To be honest I wanted to meet tonight bc I wanted to take you home with me and...I'm sorry..is this weird?" In sloth shock but also relieved I politely smile at her searching look. I ask her to come smoke a cigarette with me. Slightly wounded thst I didn't answer her, she gathered herself and followed me to the cool aired darkness. Stand In under the only light of the patio, we sit on a blue fenced table that looks like they were stoked from an 'In and Out.' As she sat down looking through her small black purse I stand up unnoticed. She finally realizes I am in front of her and i plant a sensual reason French kiss on her plump lips. Excited and shocked she returns one back. The more i tasted her the more i wanted her. The more she gasped for air inhaling the building sensuality, the more i wanted to touch her naked. We stopped as soon as we heard laughter come out of the exit door. "Want to get out of here?" I asked. Her happiness filled my heart with another satisfactory thhing that I have been yearning for. "Sure." We get in her car and drive to her house.

Within minutes of reaching her door we begin to tongue fuck each other's lips. Dancing with fiery lust coursing through our veins. She opens the door to her apartment and strips off her clothes. Her body could have been a walking photoshop. Flawless skin painted with tattoos. Her perked tits with hardened nipples reveal the one cute nipple. Her hipd show the 'V' along with more tattoos to enhance her beauty. Stripping off my clothes I realize that I am a self conscious person, even in the light while baring nude vulnerability, she still comes foward for more of my lips. She releases the straps to my bra and sucks on my nipples. Her moans echo in the lingering time. We run to her bedroom an she strips down her candy red thong and blue jeans. She lays on the bed and waits for me to do the same. I look at her beauty, the art work and the landing strip that shows she loves her pussy. Gazing at it, I too, am now infatuated with it. I lean down over the top of her kissing her in all the spots I'd assume were her favorite spots. I suckle at her nipples playing with it, enjoying each sensitive moan that boosts my urge to pleasure her. I nibble and lick her hips seeing how she arches while I do It over and over. Spreading her legs, placing them over my shoulders, I greet her perfect pink pussy with my tongue of kindness. Each twirl and flick she moans, each tilt of her head that signifies plessure ridden, I bury my face slowly caressing the clit within my lips and tongue; she arches. Her nipples perk with so much stimulation, I get wet watching her. Her gentle hands find their way into my hair as I change the pace. Slow and steady I ease my middle finger inside her warm drenched pussy. Feeling her g spot as I go back to pleasing her clit. The moans and gasping grow louder. She begs me to not stop. I wouldn't fucking dare. "Oh god yes! Please dont- oh FUCK! FUCK YES! YES! OH RIGHT THERE YES! OOOOH!"

I smile as she lifts her hips. I remove my finger and bury my face deep to tongue fuck her pussy. Unknowing to her she screams out "Oh GOD IM GOING TO CUM. YES! PLEASE DONT ....DONT...OH FUCK... OOOOH YYYYYEEEEEESS!" I remove my face and rub her clit as fast as I can. Her sudden release of sweet satisfaction sprays my face. Drenched in her cum. I lay her down to recuperate from the climax. She opens her eyes after her breathing steadied itself. She sees my wet glazed face and smiles. "Oh shit I'm sorry!" I laugh hysterically. "Never be sorry I love a squirter." She smiles and goes to her closet. She pulls out a small box. Inside she reached in to pull out a strap on and pours all of her toys in the floor. " we can use all of these right?" I stand up and lift her off the ground to lay her back down. As she adjust the straps to her big cocked dildo, I grab her double headed purple dildo and smile at her. "Honey, I am an adult and have a three day weekend. I'll fuck you for however long you'd like me to." "Is this all for fun or what's going to happen?" Before I do anything physical I ask her what she'd like. "Well, If I'm being honest I'd like to have fun with you. If it flies it goes right?" I shake my head in agreement, and kiss her gently. As I kiss her I play with her drenched pussy and finger her while I hold her kiss hostage. For that night, it was all about her and i finding the comfort of a new lustful friend, just two girls who wanted to have fun....

[bookoflieswhichimadeup]

Things I'd never say but wished to

Bling! A notification popped up. I was cleaning my messy room after a month of having a roomate and now she's gone and finslly I can let go the breath of relief after being holding my annoyance and anger for that long.

I grabbed my phone and opened up the WhatsApp.

Hi! 1322

What u duin? 1322

Its been a while 1323

Oh okay. Its a rare occasion for her to text me. And it really is being a while . After all, we only seen each other once in a few days when we changed our clashing classroom . Otherwise , she'll live her life and i live mine.

So i was kind of excited when she texted me. Maybe she just missed me and just wanna say hi. So i replied.

Yo 1324

Miss you . Im cleaning my room rn. Whats up? 1324

She was typing .

Nah. I just want to ask you if you could look for my phone charger in the class tomorrow. 1324

Its near your place 1324

I think id dropped it 1324

Thank you and see you ! 1324

And i was taken aback. Oh. This is why . I thought she genuinely want to ask how I'd been. With me hanging out with no one and she living up her dream with friends that used to be mine. I thought she did care and realize how lonely i felt without them . But i thought wrong. How can i not realize that?

She always do this thing ,that when she needs my help me , only then will she try to contact me or being nice to me . Otherwise, she'll just ignored me and even when we bumped into each other, she doesn't even look at me and put on her Im in the mood rn face on. If its only once,idc. Maybe she DID have a thing going on in her life. But no. She always did that . Since forever . But i brushed it off although i was hurt again and again . Giving her excuses she never ever deserved .

I think now is the time for me to finally speak up and say what im going to say since forever to her but I'm too afraid of hurting people because God know how much words affect me . And i dont really like the idea thst i crumpled someone life with my harsh word because i can be mean. Inside. My head only.

There you go again 1400

There. I quickly press send before i changed my mind which is quite often when it comes to pouring my heart out to people.

Huh? 1400

She replied.

You see, you always did that thing where you ignored me for oh so long and then you think that its okay for you to come waltzing in and reached out to me only when you need me like there's nothing happen . There IS something happening and you just ignored them to get what you want. And you had it easy because i usually obeyed and follow your flow each and every time. And now im sick of it. 1405

There you go. Part of me felt really good for finally say the thing i should say to her a long time ago but part of me was overthinking of what will happen in the future where we're not friends anymore. But i need to get this out of my chest for once.

What are you talking about? I didnt do that. 1408

Are you okay? Is there something bothering you 1408

I smirked. After all this while , and now you're concerned. You never asked me this before. Its usually you pouring your heart to me and vent on me. You never did really care about me after all.

Yes. Its you. You never realized what you did that hurts me right? You know why? 1409

She quickly replied while im still typing. Im in rage. I just want to tell to fuck off and i hate you . I never said it out loud. Those vulgar words. Only in my head .

Why? 1409

Because i never showed you . Like a dog. I will always be there for you when you need me. No matter what state I'm in. Im trying my best to make you happy when deep down inside i was broken. You never know that didnt you. And maybe thats why you never realize it .because i always there . Ready for your service like your servant or something. Oh , by the way, you always called me mom , right? And emphasize them when we're in front of the guys. You know what? I hate those nickname . Since forever. I dont know why i let you call me that. And since then i tried my hard to be a good mom to you. But as usual, some kids just never appreciate their mom like how they were with their friends they want to impress. And we kinda broke apart when I failed and had to repeat the whole year and you passed and move on. You started making new friends and attached to them . You no longer need me, so why should you bother right? Im not within your reach for you to control me again. 1414

Remember the time , there's a program and I was alone because i was actually accompany my friend who is the ajk. So i stayed for her. Then i saw you and your friend. I was kind of excited and i rushed to meet you with a smile because i missed you and we havent met for weeks.and you just passed me by with the i have no mood face. No hi . Or at least acknowledge that i was there. Nothing. You act like i was not there at all . Your friends asked me to join you guys for lunch and however much i wanted to because i was alone that time, I declined and chose to eat alone wherever the place i could find to calm myself. I overthink about your attitude for days .maybe its me who did you wrong. Maybe you dislike me for the things i did. But then next day you text me to ask me for help like nothing happen . You may say that you didnt see me that time ,but we do have an eye contact even briefly . You saw me . 1422

You want more? Oh there is more. But it was all kind of the same. You ignored me ,and then acts all nice to me before you came back like you never ignored me for the first place. Just recently. You act like you didnt see me and dont even say hi to me .snd i do the same because Now Im just tired and i dont want to play with your games anymore. Ever. 1424

And i closed my phone .

There. I said it. I remember being all excited when she asked me if im free to go to the mall with her and i agreed. We have loads of fun trying on clothes. Then i said thank you for asking me to go here.she said we should do this more . If anything just tell me .

Then tomorrow when i told my other friends about our little trip,then she said , actually you asked her first but she declined. And then i was dumbstruck. Like . Haha .what am i thinking? I was just your spare part. When you have no one to go, then you'll ask me .i never being the first in your mind as how i did to you. Gosh when will i realize that shes just using me for her own good?

The time when you texted me asking if im free to help you move out your stuff. You asked me because you know i wont say no . But when i show others the way you texted me, she said you were rude . And i dont even realize that. You asked for help with no intent of return . I didnt ask for it but come on. Common sense la. Org tolong kau ,kau bg la pape . Tapi you didnt want to. When we asked you to ask some of your too many male friends ,you didnt want to.

And when the time we go on trip together. Oh my god . You were so attached to me .holding hands acting all manja and gedik . And its clear that you only want to show off to the guys right? And i hate that. You kept on trying to hold hands. God. I hate that. I just want to say fuck you but meh. I just go along playing your shit game.

Now im sick of playin your games. Seriously. I know we will never be okay again but thats the risk i took . For me . But im afraid of taking those step. Because it was her last year here and I'll never see her again. But i also want her to know my feelings. God. Idk.