#just in time for student loans to start 😑

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

omg i am finally paying off a surgery from JANUARY, the last payment is this week

[dazedkook]

i. LUST FOR LIFE, KTH

taehyung might adore his sugar baby a little bit too much.

pairing: sugardaddy!taehyung x sugarbaby!reader

genre: fluff,,, light smut

wordcount: 4928 words

warnings: age gap, tae is 35 and oc is 20, rich taehyung, DILF TAEHYUNG, whipped taehyung 🥱, bratty babie oc, praise kink, holding hands, kissing, oral (m receiving), softdom!taehyung, sub!reader, yeontan and nayeon made an appearance, unrealistic depiction of sugar daddy world, i overused the word pretty and baby, haven't edited it enough and shitty grammar 😑

Taehyung still remember how you were like a year ago, it was livid in his memories. You were the sweetest girl ever, so timid and innocent as a baby lamb. He would never forget how your eyes widened then you started blabbering after he proposed the idea of you being his sugar baby.

"Do you want to be my sugar baby?" Taehyung casually asked as he scooped the strawberry cheesecake before feeding a spoonful of it to you. His heart clenched at the sight of you looking very confused but still try to finish the cake.

"S-sugar baby? I don't think I am the right person you're looking for?" You hesitantly gave him an answer as your mouth opened again so he can feed you more.

"I don't think so. You are lovely, beautiful and so damn adorable. I like it" Taehyung truthfully said and chuckled seeing how you flustered in your seat, he was enjoying the sight of your reddening cheeks.

"B-but, what if I'm not good?" You questioned and stared at the strawberry slices on the cake as you waited for his reply.

Honestly, you were scared that you would disappoint him. As you can remember from the sugar baby stories that you read on Cosmopolitan before, a sugar daddy is a rich older man who lavishes gifts on younger woman in return for her company or sexual favour.

You let out a low gasp, there was possibility that Taehyung might ask for sexual favour in return? There was no way he wanted to give you money without anything in return!

Taehyung on the other side was staring at you without any hint of shame. Anyone that had not known the context of the situation would assume he was a creep that forced you to talk with him. He realised that you had the cutest mannerism ever. Like, he wondered if it was possible for a human to be this endearing? You were still flustered by his words so you chose to ignore his stare, eyes fixated on the cake instead. Yeah, too adorable. He soon noticed how you seemed to be in a deep thought so he interrupted you,

"Sweetheart, I would never force you to do anything that you are not comfortable with. I do not expect sexual favour from you, I just want to spoil you and you will give me your company in return? You can accompany me to walk my pet or have meals together" He explained thoroughly since you seemed to get the wrong idea.

Though, it would be a complete bullshit if Taehyung never had lewd thoughts about you. How can he resist it when you looked so fuckable in your adorable pink tennis skirt? Your shirt that he thought was way too small for your frame? That frilly socks? He wanted to strip you naked, bend you over the table and rail you for hours. Maybe he would cuddle after that. He put the thought aside, you probably considered him as a friendly big brother. Someone that was 15 years older and somehow very generous to you.

"Can I have some time to think about it?" You requested while stirring the iced matcha, hoping he would consider it. It was a great offer, you could pay your student loan and buy pretty clothes. You just have to accompany him and get to play with puppy too! Nevertheless, you still have to ask for your roommate's opinion. Nayeon always give you the best advice.

"You can take your time, I'll be waiting for you" Taehyung agreed and stood up from his seat. He did not want to make you feel uncomfortable so he thought the best option would be sending you back to your dorm.

"I should send you back now. We don't want your roommate to get worried right?" He added as he intertwined your smaller hand with him. 

"So tiny" He thought as he noticed the size differences between your hand and his.

It did not take Taehyung a long time before you became his sugar baby.

Within a span of a year, you made a full 180° changes and turned into the biggest brat Taehyung ever seen. You were still the same lovely girl though, just a little bit naughtier and not so innocent anymore.

4 months into your relationship with Taehyung, he bought you an apartment that was close to your university. He heard you subtly complained about your noisy neighbor and decided to purchase a fucking apartment at the next day. After asking for his permission, you brought Nayeon along to live together since you were not used to living alone. He even hired a chauffeur because there was no way he would let you struggle every morning just to get the bus.

It was weekend and you decided to do a cleaning spree. Your room had been messy for the past weeks since you were too occupied with assignment. Your roommate, Nayeon entered your room with a bag of chips. She made some loud noises as she watched you organised your closet,

"You know what, I still think that it's kind of weird that he spends so much on you" She commented as you put the newly purchased dress on the laundry basket.

"It's not weird though? I'm his sugar baby" You responded while separating the white and coloured clothes.

"How long you've been his sugar baby? 4 months?" She continued questioning Taehyung's intention to you.

"He's a nice guy! You've met him before" You whine in frustration, clearly holding yourself from throwing the clothes to her face.

"Baby, don't get mad. You know, you can get really oblivious sometimes" She mumbled as she put the chips aside to help you with the laundry. Nayeon had the thought that maybe Taehyung considered you more than a sugar baby?

Taehyung was an attractive man, he took good care of himself. Fit body, good personality and once again, very attractive. Nayeon wondered why he didn't find a girlfriend but had a sugar baby instead? He was capable of finding someone around his age that was probably hotter, mature and definitely interested in him.

"I know that he is a nice guy, he is really hot too" She playfully said and you landed a slap to her ass, totally not liking the way she talked about your daddy.

"It's not funny, I didn't laugh okay?" You pinched her plump cheeks before carrying the basket to the laundry room.

"Come on, we can share" She joked and ran to her own room before you whoop her ass again.

As usual, her devilish ass would bribe you with food and you made up.

6 months into your relationship with Taehyung, he started inviting you to his house. He even gave you permission to visit him at his office. Taehyung got notified by his secretary that you wanted to visit him. Soon, he heard a knock and the door was wide open, revealing you in a khaki skirt and purple top.

"I bought coffee for you" You showed him the nicely packed Starbucks on your hand. Wait, you have to show him something!

"It arrived in the mail last week" You excitedly said as you twirled around, showing him how pretty the skirt was. You were wearing the clothes that he picked for you, he definitely had an incredible sense of fashion.

"You have nice taste" You added before putting the coffee on his desk. You spinned one more time, loving how the skirt flowed.

"So pretty, come here" He motioned you to sit on his lap. You made yourself comfortable on his lap and watched him doing his work, it was a comfortable silence.

"Daddy, can I play with your phone?" You asked while your hands were busy fixing his tie. The fabrics felt expensive on your hands.

"Sure, but don't move too much okay?" He warned since he could not afford to get hard in the middle of his work. You gave his cheek a kiss before taking his phone out of his elegant suit, you typed in your birth date before the phone unlocked. Your hand automatically tapped the online shopping application. You had spent thousands of dollar every month just for online shopping, it had became your new addiction. Taehyung took a peek on you before he bursted into a laugh,

"I think my baby has forgotten that she has used all of her monthly allowance" He booped your cute nose and gave you a forehead kiss.

"I'm just looking at the dresses!" You defended yourself, totally not feeling guilty about it. You added another camisole into cart.

"Daddy, can I have this one?" You showed him the Strawberry Midi Dress Black, the one that you have been eyeing for quite a while.

"Baby, you still have another packages waiting for you" He reminded you and continued doing his work. It wasn't his intention to offend you but you took it in the wrong way. Feeling dejected with his words, you closed the application and put the phone inside his suit’s pocket again. 

Taehyung noticed how your shoulders were slumped and lips slightly pouted,

"My pretty baby is mad?" His big hands cupped your smaller face and gave a soft rub on your cheeks. Your heart cheered at the little affection he gave, yet continuing to make a sullen expression as you gave him a nod.

"Daddy, I want that dress. You love seeing me in dress, right?" You tried to persuade him to get the dress. So far, you had no problems at convincing him.

"Sweetheart, you would look absolutely gorgeous in that dress but didn't you purchased it last week?" He retorted as his hands lovingly patted the top of your head. 

 "But it was in a different colour! I got the pink version last week. This one is the black version" Your tiny fists hit his chest. Taehyung sighed and held you wrists using one hand as you struggle to get away from him,

"Baby, you're being so brat-" His words were cut in by your pitiful whine.

"Daddy, I'm not your favourite girl anymore?" There you go, with your stupidly adorable puppy eyes. He pulled a heavy sigh before showering your adorable face with kisses,

"You know that you are my favourite girl, little one" He mumbled as he nuzzed his face on your neck, he loved your scent so much. He missed how your lips turned into a shy smile.

"And you're my favourite daddy!" You playfully said as you pushed him away to cup his stunning face.

"Check out the cart, please?" You whispered and smiled in victory as Taehyung filled in his card details. He gave you a kiss before he continued his work.

"Daddy?" You called him and tapped his shoulder to get his attention. He hummed as a signal that he was paying attention to you.

"I am so sorry for hitting you and I swear I won't behave badly again" You embarrassedly said and rubbed the area that you hit, you know it didn't hurt him but it felt better to apologize. Taehyung rolled his eyes before pinching your round cheeks,

"Consider yourself lucky because you're very adorable, I can't get mad at you" He mumbled and patted your mellow cheeks.

"You're the best" You admitted while you held his hands tightly, loving how cold it was.

"Tell me something I don't know" He playfully said and let you to intertwine your hands with him.

"I'm your favourite person on earth?" You jokingly asked since his answer would always flatter you.

"Tell me something I don't know" He repeated his words. He thought that it was pretty obvious that you were his favourite person, it was ridiculous at how whipped he was for you. Not to mention that it hadn't been a year since you appeared in his life.

"I hate you" You mumbled as you softly tugged the Chanel necklace that hung perfectly on his neck. Sigh, you wanted more of his attention.

"No, you don't" He cockily said, you just snuggled closer to him. He knew you so well.

It was just another day of you staying at his place, Taehyung was making coffee while you were busy entertaining his pet, a small brown puppy named Yeontan.

"Yeontan, come here!" You excitedly called the short puppy and wiggled the chew toys in front of him.

He had to admit that your relationship with him was definitely different from his past's relationship. It wasn't purely based off sexual benefits, he genuinely enjoyed your presence.

He chuckled seeing how excited Yeontan was to play with you. He often come home tired so there was no time to play with him. He brought the coffee and sat down on the expensive white leather couch. He grabbed the chew toys and moved it around as an attempt to get Yeontan's attention but he got ignored instead.

"It's unfair! Why Yeontan likes you better? I am his owner" His lips turned pouty as he desperately wiggle the balls. Being the clingy creature Yeontan was, he decided to run in a circle around your legs.

"Yeontan-ah! Your daddy is going to sulk if you continue being like this" You tried to scold the puppy but he continued mopping you around. You were quick to catch him before you ran to Taehyung. You hopped on his lap and straddled his waist,

"Hug me" You requested with eyes wide open, anticipating his touch. A bright smile appeared on your face when he hugged you tightly.

"He is so attached with you" He murmured as he left kisses all over your neck. You were giggling as you tried to push him away.

"I told you to spend more time with him" You remarked while your hands patted the puppy's head.

"I will make an effort, okay?" He said while his hands slowly travelled down to your thighs. Fuck, he wanted you so bad.

Taehyung had no idea how he was capable of holding himself back. You were literally his dream girl, sitting prettily on his lap with cute yellow dress and hugging a cute puppy.

He rubbed your thighs and almost moaned at how soft it felt like. On the other side, you were completely unaware as you were too busy giving Yeontan kisses and praises.

You were wearing a tight summer dress that flaunted your honey thighs so well. Taehyung noticed that you have obsessions with skirt and dresses, he made sure to buy a lot of it for you. You were so oblivious and it was driving him insane. He felt his pants was getting tighter, he exhaled a shaky breath.

"Darling, I have to do my work now. Enjoy yourself hmm?" He said as he carefully pushed you off from his lap. You gave him a kiss on his cheek before he headed to his room. Taehyung locked the door and inhaled a deep breath, he looked down and noticed the growing tent.

"Fuck, why am I like this?" He whispered as he walked to the couch, he was acting like Victorian male that just saw a woman's ankle for the first time. He shook his head and reached over the small fridge before taking a cold Malt Whiskey, pouring a small amount for himself.

What was wrong with him? It shouldn't turn him on that much. He literally slept with plenty of women and seen them naked before. He inhaled a deep breath and tried to calm his breathing. Yes, he was going to think about cute animals and beautiful scenery.

A herd of sheep enjoying meal together in the middle of a big farm, he cackled at the thought.

A fluffle of bunnies playing around a small garden and sleeping together, very cute.

A pack of puppies sleeping after having their bellies rubbed, so wholesome.

Wait. Puppies? Yeontan? Fuck, he was thinking about you again. It was getting painfully hard down there before he made an abrupt decision.

"Fuck it, just for today" He mumbled as he unzipped his pants, palming himself at the thought of you. The images of you in a dangerously short skirt drove him mad. It didn't take him a long time before he made a mess all over the table.

He cleaned the stains and decided to do his work to distract himself from getting hornier. It was embarrassing and disgusting that he had to jerk off at the thought of you but he would rather do that than forcing you into it.

Meanwhile, it had been hours since he left you. You had finished two movies, sat in the hot tub for an hour and even cleaned his house because you were that bored. You took a look on the sleepy puppy,

"Yeontan-ah, should we go check on your daddy?" You asked the brown puppy. His tail wagged in excitement as if he was agreeing with your suggestion.

"Alright baby, we are going to check on your daddy now" You woke up from the couch and carried the tiny creature to Taehyung's office. You knocked the door twice before entering his workroom, you were greeted by a sight of him in distress.

"You haven't come out of your office for almost a day" You mumbled as you strolled closer to him.

"I'm so sorry, darling. I didn't realise it has been hours" He replied and opened his arms wide asking for a huge from you.

"Yeontan is missing you" You handed him the puppy instead of giving him a hug. He shook his head,

"Tsk, come here. You miss me too right?" He teasingly said, you cheekily smiled before crawling to his lap.

"I miss you so much, it was boring without you" You expressed as you carefully put Yeontan on the floor, you wanted to have a moment with him.

He carefully held your jaw before he leaned in for a kiss, soft moans could be heard as he caressed your soft hair. Being the brat you were, you tugged on his shirt as you tried to assert dominance and pulled him closer to your body. Taehyung gave a firm slap on your ass before you whined in the kiss,

"It hurts!" You complained. As usual, it didn't hurt. You only wanted attention.

Taehyung bit his lips and pinched your cheeks,

"My baby is a sucker for attention" He stated a matter of fact but you shook your head in denial. He continued doing his work while you laid your head on his chest. A frown appeared on your face as soon as you realised something hard poking your entrance, you could feel his dick under the fabrics of your clothes.

Being the brat you were, you took this as a chance to play around. You slowly moved your hips and made sure to rub on his hardened shaft.

"F-fuck, baby. Don't do that" He whimpered and held your body to make you stop. He had no idea that you were doing it intentionally.

"Why? My daddy is enjoying it though?" You asked him in that voice. The voice you used when you asked for head pats and kisses. The one you used whenever you wanted something from him.

"N-no, you can't do this. I won't be able hold myself" His words came out shakily and you giggled at it. You were having too much fun.

"Can I suck you off, please?" You asked him nicely as you continued grinding on his clothed dick. You could feel how hard it was through the thin fabrics of your panties.

"Are you sure?" He cupped your face, making you look directly into his eyes. He didn't want you to do it just because you felt bad of him.

"Yes. You can teach me, right?" Fuck, you were making him go crazy. He knew you haven't done this before and that made him even fucking hard.

"Get on your knees" He whispered before you positioned yourself in between his legs, kneeling on the cold floor.

You soon noticed that Yeontan was staring at both of you, guilt washed all over your body. He must felt left out.

"Daddy, are you going to let Yeontan watch us?" You suddenly asked him, he laughed at your question and tucked your hair behind your ear.

"Let him be" He said as he patted your head, he really can't wait to ruin your pretty face.

"But, he is still a baby though" You deadpanned, totally not giving a single fuck about his dick that was about to explode.

"Fuck, okay. Let's put him outside for a while?" He suggested and smiled watching you carry him outside.

"I'm so sorry baby, we'll be back" You muttered and leave the small puppy outside his office room. You got into your previous position and rested your hands on his thighs.

"Let me undress you" Your hands were trembling as you unzipped his pants. Why were you getting nervous out of sudden?

"Come on baby" He encouraged you and patted your head while whispering sweet words to you. You were greeted with his black brief. You could see the outline of his cock and it was fucking big. You moved closer and tugged his brief down, letting his cock sprung free.

Fuck, his cock was so big and pretty. Taehyung pinched your cheeks and laughed when he felt your cheeks were warmer than usual,

"Don't be shy, go give it a touch" He commanded and moaned seeing you touch his dick. You were curious and played with his balls too. So cute, he thought.

His dick was fucking thick, you couldn't even wrap your hand around it. Taehyung chuckled seeing how you struggle with it.

"Lick it" He suggested and winced in pleasure when you gave his tip a kittenish lick. You laughed and licked it again, he must've liked it.

"Am I doing it right?" You asked for reassurance as your hands pumped his cock. God, you had no idea how much Taehyung was holding himself back from shoving his length down and deep into your throat.

"So fucking good. Take it into your mouth, slowly" He instructed and moaned loudly as his cock finally entered your warm mouth. He could fucking die at the moment.

"You're doing so well, angel. Keep going" He hissed seeing how you started to move faster and took him like a champion. It was getting hard for you to breath but you wanted to satisfy him. You reached out for his hands and held it tightly as you continued sucking the life out of him.

"Oh my God, so fucking good" Taehyung whimpered as you started to gag around his cock. He moaned louder at the sight of you gagging around his cock,

"So beautiful, my pretty girl takes dick so well" He reached over your head and gave soft pat as you sucked the hell out of him. He felt himself getting closer so he pushed you away,

"O-open your mouth" He gasped for a breath and his lips twitched into a smile at the sight of you kneeling right in front his dick, so fucking obedient. Taehyung never imagined that someone could look so angelic while giving head but you were a living proof of it. Your hands were on your lap as you waited patiently for his cum. You noticed he seemed to be closer as he pumped his dick faster,

"Daddy, hurry up~" Your whiny voice sent him to edge. It didn't take him long before his thick liquid splattered all over your pretty face. He continued pumping his cock and heaved a sigh as he finally emptied his balls. His sensitive dick twitched at the sight of your cum stained face, so damn beautiful. He wanted to take a picture of it and frame it.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry. Let me clean your face hmm?" He reached out for the wet tissues, holding your jaw tightly as he wiped the cum off your face.

"Am I good?" You asked as you zipped his pants, he laughed while wiping the stain under your chin.

"You are way too good, I never come that fast in my life" He admitted and pulled you to stand up. He noticed the your knees had turned red from kneeling on the cold floor.

"Ah, we should've done it in my room" He mumbled and let you to jump on his body, he carried you to his room.

"Okay, let's do it again" You suggested and laughed out loud when he smacked your ass, you were becoming naughty by days.

Taehyung loved every moment he spent with you. Whether it be watching you play with Yeontan, seeing you cook breakfast or becoming the guest for your little fashion show that you always hold whenever your package arrived.

You had made it clear to Taehyung that you didn't want any sexual favour from him, he didn't have to take care of your needs. Ever since the day you gave Taehyung his best orgasm, you became even closer with him.

"Daddy, can we take a shower together?" You hesitantly asked him. Lord, Taehyung could never say no to you.

"Of course, we can" He agreed before he followed you into the bathroom. He had absolute no shame around you so he removed his clothes first.

"Daddy, I don't want to get naked yet. Can I?" You asked him another question while he already stripped himself off.

"Darling, why would you ask for my permission hmm? I am fine with it, you know I would never force you" He reassured as his hands rubbed your cheeks, you smiled at his words then gave him a kiss. He positioned himself comfortably at the corner of the tub before you joined him and sat in between his legs.

"Let me wash you today" You offered him since he must've been tired after spending a long day at the office.

"Thank you baby" He mumbled as he watched you spread the warm water all over his body. You poured the lavender scented shower gel all over your hands and rubbed it on his body.

Strangely, he didn't find the situation turning him on at all. He felt something ignited way deep down his stomach as he realised something, he adored you way too much. He wanted to protect you, give you everything you wanted and make you the happiest girl alive.

"I'm so happy that I could meet you" He confessed as he watched you made a foam on your hands.

"So sudden?" You let out a laugh before continuing rubbing the soap on his body, making sure he was clean.

"I don't know baby, you make me so fucking happy. I never been this happy in my whole life" The pet name naturally slipped out of his lips as he pushed your hair back, he wanted to see your face clearly.

"You know that you make me happy too" You honestly said and give his nose a peck. You lathered his head with the coconut scented shampoo,

"Close your eyes, we don't want your eyes to sting" He chuckled before closing his eyes and let you do everything.

He never thought that the idea of someone washing him off would stir feelings that he never knew he was capable to feel. He enjoyed your gentle massage and took a peek at you, he smiled seeing how delicate you treated him. For sure, he felt like he was in love.

Lord, what had you done to him?

After taking a warm bath together, you dressed up in your comfiest pajama. It was made out of silk, he bought it for you during his business trip to Japan. It became a must for Taehyung to always bring you gifts whenever he visited a new place. You watched him dress up while waiting for him to get on the bed,

"It is rude to stare, young lady" He said as he wiped his wet hair using the towel.

"You have a nice body" You praised him and kept on staring at him until he finished dressing up. He joined you under the comforter and threw his leg over your body. You played with the metal rings on his pretty hands before kissing the tip of his slender fingers,

"I really love being with you" You muttered in a sleepy voice as your wrapped your hands around his body. Your head was rested on his chest for warmth, listening to his slow paced breath.

"Me or Yeontan?" Taehyung playfully asked and cracked into laughter when you started to whine.

"You cannot ask me that!" You complained before taking the big pillow and hit his toned chest.

"No, I want an answer" He demanded while his hands pulled you closer to him again, he rested his chin on top of your head while rubbing your back in a circle.

"Both" You snuggled closer to him and trailed wet kisses on his neck, he smelt so fucking good.

"Don't be greedy, choose one" His left eyebrow raised as he looked at you for an answer.

"Yeontan" Your eyes crinkled into crescent shape when he squished your face.

"I love you" He whispered lovingly as he traced the beauty mark on your face, you were so beautiful.

"You better keep on loving me" Your lips turned into a pout, you knew he didn't mean it. He only said it because you would be so giddy after that.

"I promise" He assured and patted your head so you can sleep. A smile crept in to his face as your soft snores filled the dark room.

Little did you know, Taehyung doesn't think he can stop loving you.

author’s note: hi,,, it's finally finished. i hope y'all like it 🥺 thank you for reading it and thank you again for showing support to my first fic ever !! i am not sure if i will turn this into a series but i might write drabbles for them in the future 👍 

☆ any feedback is appreciated ☆

i apologize if it is not great as you expected, i promise my writing and grammar will improve by time ^^ i also apologize for the unnecessary amount of italic in this fic...

♡ taglist ♡

@jiminisnotavirgin @taesluttt @aretha170 @thedarkwinterrose @happyhrsme

[catching-kisses]

To vent or not to vent

Fuck it. I’ve got 4 issues going on with me right now and no one that I want to trust or be vulnerable with for those conversations.

1. Money is tight rn and it’s a pain in the ass being so behind on bills. $600 for the Jeep, $500 for the power, and we’re not going to be able to make our business payment until possibly the 19th when it’s due on the first. I need to buy scrubs for work, and while my mom says not to worry about paying half for our trip, I feel like I need to at least buy gas and food. I can’t fucking budget if Artur won’t stick to it. I can’t “do everything” like he asked me to if he is undermining me. Not like it’s all his fault though, I’m shit with money too, but damn, how does he spend all of the money we had saved to last the business from Nov-April in like 2 months? We’ve been able to make our business payments by being late on other things, but now we have to pay for our insurance for the year with $0 😑 we need insurance to clean our commercial clients we have scheduled so making the money for the insurance is a problem. I have to pay my mom back for helping me with Maddie’s birthday and getting my phone activated today. It’s only like $100 but I hate asking for anything. She’s on unemployment and is using her severance pay to pay for all of her stuff so it’s not like she doesn’t need that money. I hope once I start getting my paychecks we’ll be good and we can get our debt down. My credit cards are maxed out so there’s not a lot of wiggle room. I got my student loans on forbearance now so I don’t have to worry about the $600 that was late with that, but I have interest I need to pay still. I also have to pay for my current schooling with Artur’s next paycheck.

2. I’m so fucking tired of this loveless marriage and asshole of a partner. He’s stopped going to therapy and I stopped myself a few months ago. It’s just not fucking worth it. His drinking and going out has calmed down since we moved, but damn is he still mean. It’s a good day if he only gets on my ass about something trivial and calls me stupid one time. Like what the fuck is that? If it’s not “you don’t do anything and you’re a bad wife” it’s “you’re doing that wrong, how are you so stupid.” I think it’s time that we have the talk again. Last time it got us into counseling, but this time I think we’re past that. I’m ready to just cut ties. But how many times have I said that? Jesus. How many times have I told him I don’t want to be with him until he treats me right? God part of me just wants to start cheating on him so he’ll leave me the fuck alone. (I wouldn’t because I’ve been on the other end but it’s tempting) I’ve broken up with him 4 times, but somehow he keeps convincing me to give him another chance.

3. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with Mara and I, but it’s been shitty. Long story short: she moved and couldn’t take her cat, I said I’d take the cat for a couple months while they find a new place, but they haven’t found a new place yet. I can’t keep the cat anymore because a. I’m very allergic and he has decided he likes to sleep on my bed, b. Maddie likes to play with his food and tries to get into the litter box, c. I feel bad for him because he’s shut up in our room most of the day so Maddie doesn’t stress him out, and d. Artur will not stop yelling at me about him and saying he’s going to kick him. I told Mara I can’t keep him any longer because I’m having bad reactions and that we’ll be gone for like 4 days so I can’t take care of him. She was like “oh I’m sorry, I’ll see what I can do, but I wish you had told me sooner. I’ll let you know by Friday what we figure out.” I just told her that it was a last minute trip and that we were planning on going around Easter but Mom wanted to go sooner. I also mentioned her taking him to where they’re living now, but she said it wasn’t really an option. But it doesn’t make sense to me. They’re living with Logan’s mom who is loaded. She has a dog that doesn’t like cats, but I don’t get why they can’t keep him in their room like we do with him here. If the dog scratched up the door or something it would literally be like nothing for his mom to buy and have a new door installed. She buys 15k purses for fun. Thennn, she didn’t come to Maddie’s birthday party and has hardly been talking to me. We’re supposed to leave Thursday night so I don’t know what the fuck to do. I’m going to talk to her tomorrow to see if they’ve found a place for him, but I think I’ll just have to leave Dante here with Artur. I know he will take care of him if he has to, but he’s going to give me hell for it and probably ruin my friendship with Mara like he did with Jordan and my cousin Rose.

4. My sisters on my dad’s side have basically ghosted me. They all said they’d come to Maddie’s party and then none of them came or told me they weren’t coming. None of them have spoken to me at all, even though I commented on one of Janae’s Facebook statuses yesterday. Dani posted the day of the party some pictures of herself and her and Brittany’s other sister Nat taking a day trip to McCall. I’m glad Maddie didn’t remember or didn’t understand me telling her that her cousins were coming because that would have been sad. My cousin Jaqui came and brought her daughter so at least Maddie got to play with her, but Annabelle is 6. I made gift bags for them and then no one showed up. It makes me sad and sick and angry. I’ve been trying to build up our relationships because I want to have my sisters in my life, but it seems like they just don’t care about me. I’m done trying. It’s up to them now. I expected Janae to bail because she always does, she bailed on me after an hour when I wanted to hang out with her for her 33rd birthday and she didn’t even come to my baby shower, but I thought Brittany and Dani would come. At least I have a good relationship with my other sister Crystal and even if Rowdy and I don’t talk much anymore since he moved we still have a good relationship and care about each other. They must have learned from my dad who is the master of cold aloofness. Ugh. I’m going to stop thinking about this crap because it just makes me sad.

I need to leave Maddie with my sister or my mom and have a full on talk with Mara about everything. It’s hard trying to keep this all to myself. Like I know I’m an asshole and an idiot, but am I so undeserving of loving relationships?