Tumgik
#just when i thought they couldnt get worse
sapphicvalentines · 2 days
Text
☆Baby,the stars shine bright☆ pt4
pt1 , pt2 , pt3
inspired by the 'kamikaze girls',♡ always had unconditional love for lolita fashion and nothing else but when she met ellie,an auburn haired girl whos part of a gang with a dad's fashion sense ,her love for clothes begins to compete with her growing feelings for ellie
strangers to friends to lovers,love-hate friendship,ellie is into reader♡ but reader♡ shows no interest (in the beginning),opposite aesthetics,early 2000s
wlw,fluff
wc:5k
warnings: none except violence
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
On a rainy Friday night, when a storm was raging, you were more worried about your father than yourself, even as the whole house shook violently.
He finally came back home, soaked clothes clinging to him, and bruises marking his face.
You felt relieved that he still had all four fingers, after his gang had taken one for letting an enemy escape.
As tears streamed down his face, you quickly wiped them away as he sat before you.
It was clear to you, even then, that you would never choose the same path as your father.
"I'm not interested" you responded to ellie standing in front of you.
The way you beat up the man who stole your purse surprised Ellie, but the fact that you stood up for yourself and didn't ask her to make him pay got her even more interested. It felt like a waste not to have you in Dina's gang, but she still respected your decision; she knew she couldn't force you into criminality.
Also, who the hell would fight in a frilly dress?
Ellie understood that you had your own reasons (she thought you couldn't bear wearing anything other than Lolita dresses).
You couldnt perfectly hear the low whispers from Ellie's friends, but you guessed they wondered why Ellie was asking you to join the gang.
Ellie turned to them and introduced you, saying, "she sells really cool stuff,i got a new jacket for Himeko."
The gangsters shot you a more appreciative glance before talking with Ellie. She explained the whole thing about your stolen purse to them while you were just standing there like this 🧍‍♀️.
After a while, Ellie turned her attention back to you, telling you she has to go do what she usually does while out with her gang.
The girls' motorcycles roared once again, with Ellie sitting behind one of her friends since she had left hers at home. They respectfully said 'goodbye' and left, disappearing into the dust.
Suddenly, you felt self-conscious about the idea of Ellie finding out you had sold her fake brand clothes. If she ever told her whole gang, they would certainly not spare you any trouble and might even do worse than chopping off your fingers...
☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°
The next day, you were met with peace, but you also had mixed feelings.
You hadn't seen Ellie all day, but out of sight didn't mean out of mind.
Every time you'd do anything, it felt like you were trying to distract yourself from thinking of her.
You kept thinking about how she was willing to help you catch the thief and find your purse, how she tried to lift your spirits up no matter how tired you were, and how proud and impressed she was when you made the thief pay.
It was cloudy that day, but her smile was outshining the sun.
The 200 bucks she helped you get weren't used to buy a new purse; you looked at it and put it in your wallet. Instead of saving up, you thought about giving it to Ellie as a sign of gratitude.
After all, you would probably still be waiting for the police to find your purse if Ellie hadn't been here for you.
Ellie also gave you her phone number,
'just in case you need my help.'
You saved it in your contacts; in fact, she was the only person you've ever had in there.
As you were thinking about texting her, you were also contemplating your emotions.
Bitter, but also sweet; you've never felt lonely before meeting Ellie.
Perhaps it was because you spent such a great time with her that you finally acknowledged a hole you didn't even know was there in the first place.
A hole that was created when you made the mistake of getting attached to people who weren't worthy of your love.
You only realize it now that she's gone, that it actually felt pleasant being around her.
You closed your glittering flip phone, making a 'clap' sound as you sighed. You were comfortable being alone but uncomfortable feeling lonely.
"she's probably having fun with her friends," you thought. So instead of texting her, you tried to distance yourself.
And it started with getting rid of your thoughts about her. So you cleaned your room, baked with your grandma, had tea time, listened to classical music as you sewed a brand new headband, and tried on different outfits for the next time you go out. However, you were spending more time trying to distract yourself than actually enjoying yourself.
You fell into a restless sleep after this long, tiring day, still with the feeling you failed to make go away.
☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°
One, then two, then three rocks were thrown at your window. You were already awake, lying on your bed, but too lazy to start changing.
Or just start this day, in general.
Then another rock hit your window. The rocks were too small to break the glass, but you still wondered why this person kept persisting at getting your attention.
Although you already had your own idea of who that person was.
After slipping out of the covers, you walked towards your windows and opened them, pushing out the curtains, letting the morning sun enter your bedroom.
You weren't surprised to see her once again.
Ellie looked up at you with a faint smile and waved at you without saying a word.
You had no idea why she showed up in front of your house, but the reason was probably not as important as buying your fake luxury clothes.
After a moment of silence, you started to close the windows, making the auburn-haired girl scream to stop.
That was not so discreet of her.
"i'm just going to change, I'll be right back," you reassured her before closing the windows and putting on the curtains.
About 15 minutes passed by before you showed up in front of Ellie. You didn't wear something extravagant, unlike other days, just a simple baby pink and white dress matching with your old-school lolita bonnet.
To Ellie, you took a lot of time to dress up just to put on a simple outfit. "you know, that's kinda rude", Ellie referred to you closing the windows when you saw her.
"I was going to sleep in, but you interrupted me".You didn't only close them for changing, but mostly to annoy her. Her reactions were so funny.
"sleeping that much is bad for your health though",Ellie replied, looking at your face. You looked like you had enough beauty sleep, unlike her and her eye bags.
On the other hand, you didn't mind her eye bags; they looked cute. But the cute freckles adorning her face were adorable.
"what do you know about health? you smoke", you retorted. It was enough to make her face instantly turn as red as a tomato. She was thinking of a violent comeback but couldn't reply. "anyways, why didn't you just knock at the front door like a decent human?"
"your grandma's there"ellie pointed at your front door where your grandma was. You suddenly remembered when your grandma was trying to tear her ear off; it was hilarious now that you think about it.
"oh yeah, I forgot, she's guarding the house from people like you",you said, holding back your laugh. But Ellie wasn't pleased by the slight insult/teasing. You didn't forget when she revealed she stalked your dad though.
"hey, who gives you money? you better watch your mouth," Ellie said, half-jokingly, but you still enjoyed teasing her; it was like a guilty pleasure.
You wanted to ask her why she hadn't come to see you at all yesterday, but Ellie suddenly grabbed your arm, remembering why she came here in the first place. "come with me, I wanna show you something."
Her touch was as warm as the weather. You couldn't explain why, but it brought you a feeling of comfort, knowing that today was going to be as pleasant as a few days ago, or maybe even better.
However, you still felt reluctant.
What's with the excited look on her face?
Ellie didn't directly voice her intentions and it didn't convince you to follow her. "what is it?"
The fact that you spent a whole day with her, even if the reason was looking for your purse, was enough for Ellie to consider you as a friend.
Ellie wanted to keep it a surprise, but she also knew you wouldn't go with her if she told you what she had in mind. "do you trust me?"she asked.
She looked deep into your eyes with a faint smile, she couldnt convince you , so she tried persuasion.
"absolutely not",you replied honestly. The last time she told you to trust her was before the spicy food contest, and this girl couldn't eat spicy noodles to save her life!
The truth was that she just wanted to help. If lying about the most random things could get you to do fun things with her, she would certainly do it.
And that's exactly how she managed to get you behind her on her black bosozoku. You were gripping the sides of her motorcycle for dear life, not having any seatbelt on.
Ellie pushed the key, turning on her motorcycle, before looking at you to make sure you felt safe.
You caught her smirk before she turned her head back to look at the road; the gangster could tell you've never been on a motorcycle before.
"gimme your hands," Ellie said.
You did as Ellie said, and she placed your arms around her waist. You didn't mind being this close to her since it was for your safety, especially when she smelled so good.
You felt safer holding Ellie like this than wearing helmets and protection from head to toe.
But that quickly changed as soon as she drove off, speeding as if she owned the road.
Many drivers honked, surprised by how fast and how close Ellie was approaching them. You could swear you would have died right there if she wasn't used to doing this.
It was almost miraculous that both of you arrived safe and sound in Shibuya, but not without feeling so dizzy that you couldn't walk straight.
"c'mon, was I really that bad?" Ellie complained at your reaction. She forgot it was your first time on a motorcycle as she was driving; she was purely guided by adrenaline and kind of felt bad about it.
"are you expecting me to praise you after driving like this?" You left home without eating breakfast, and Ellie promised you'd eat once you guys arrived in Shibuya. However, you were too nauseous to put anything in your mouth. You wondered if it wasnt part of her plan
The worst part is Ellie wasn't even drunk,she was driving like this sober !
As she was driving, you forced yourself not to blink, too scared that you would see your life flash by at any moment.
"you're such a drama queen. also, I like physical touch over praises if that helps," the auburn-haired girl chuckled. She saw how nauseous you felt and decided to get you straight to the place she had in mind, skipping breakfast.
"shut up"you retorted but you didnt let this information unregistered in your head.
☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°
Entering this luxurious building felt like stepping into a hidden world. You felt excited, but it also felt wrong.
Everyone gathered around everything. Younger adults were drawn towards slot machines, whereas older people gathered around tables playing games you knew your dad had played before.
You immediately recognized you had entered a casino when you saw the elders playing roulette.
It was during this game that your dad met his ex-gang for the very first time, managing to befriend the members despite losing all his money to them.
That must be a gangster thing because Ellie was literally the one dragging you here. You had passed in front of the building multiple times but never entered it due to lack of interest.
Ellie walked towards the back of the room, holding your hand to make sure you wouldn't run away.
You felt eyes on you as Ellie continued towards a colorful door at the back of the room, its colors contrasting with the white-beige walls of the room but blending perfectly with the one she led you into.
The pink and yellow machines immediately caught your eye.
Ellie knew what she was doing.
Upbeat music played, setting the atmosphere, and unlike the other room, these games attracted both elders and younger people.
"what game is that?" You turned to Ellie, who was already taking a seat. There was no way you could refuse playing pachinko after she had won you 200 bucks last time.
"just another way for us to make money,who knows...we might even get rich by the end of the day." Ellie had played pachinko multiple times before bringing you here for the first time. Luck wasn't something she believed in, but she had learned tricks that often made her win—maybe not every time, but more than everyone in the room combined.
It was also the occasion to see you and make up for her absence yesterday since she was busy kicking ass with her friends.
But mostly, she wanted to show off after losing the spicy eating contest to you. She still hadn't recovered after this, being the bad loser she is...
"sometimes your confidence is kinda tricky," you replied, looking at her hands taking out shiny balls from her pockets.
This girl never carried a bag, so she had the most random things hidden in her pockets.
"just sometimes, not every time" Ellie took your hand, giving you a handful of pachinko balls without giving you the choice but to play with her.
It's not like you would say 'no' after making all this way here, and especially after she helped you find your precious purse.
Her finger softly grazed next to the silver bow ring adorning your middle finger.
"did you know that you can make jewelry out of pachinko balls?" Ellie asked as she pulled a lever, launching the balls in the machine. Colorful arrows of lights flickered on the Pac-Man backboard as upbeat music started to play.
"really?" You mimicked Ellie's action with your Dragon Ball Z-themed machine. You weren't particularly into shonen anime, but the other machine to Ellie's right was already taken by a young guy.
Ellie elaborated as she adjusted the pressure on the lever, launching the shiny balls in the machine, trying to get them into the winning pocket. "you can drill small holes into the balls to string them together for necklaces or bracelets. I've seen some girls adding beads and charms, it's kinda cute."
Your eyes followed the balls bouncing off pins and obstacles as you pressed the button, trying to control their trajectory. Too focused on the machine in front of you, you nodded in response to her random facts.
Ellie then closed her mouth, fully dedicating her attention to putting the small balls in the winning pocket. The balls kept launching in the machine as she applied pressure on the lever, but not a single one would hit the jackpot. She considered this as a warm-up, hoping she would quickly get the hang of it.
On the other hand, despite having absolutely no experience in playing pachinko or gambling games, you were doing perfectly, having each single ball thrown straight into the winning pocket as if you'd been playing for years.
It was not strategy nor how many times you were pressing the button that would make you win; there was simply no other explanation than luck. You never went outside without putting on your favorite silver ring, convinced that it would bring you luck. And here you were, getting more balls in the tray ready to be exchanged for money.
Ellie looked at your machine, purely intrigued. She thought she was going to impress you and not the other way around.
Not a single ball missed the winning pocket!
"hey, did you know why the pachinko ball went to school?" Ellie went back to playing but not without trying to distract you.
"I have no idea." You knew what Ellie was doing; you were starting to know her a little better. Her stupid jokes weren't something that would easily distract you; in fact, you kept accumulating new balls in your tray.
"because it wanted to be a little brighter." She was the only one laughing, but she managed to make you smile, which satisfied her.
She was convinced she could make you laugh out loud soon.
"trying to distract me won't make you win." You would occasionally glance at her, desperately trying to get at least one ball in the winning pocket, noticing how her confidence disappeared instantly from the minute she started to pull the lever.
You almost pitied her. (you kept playing anyway.)
Ellie thought there was no other explanation than a machine problem; maybe she picked a defective machine that would only make her lose.
After a few minutes, you noticed Ellie wasn't beside you anymore; the seat on your right was empty, and instead of her, you caught the envious gaze of a guy looking younger than you.
The sound of people whispering behind you, along with balls aggressively flipping at every corner of the machine, made you turn around; Ellie was behind you on another machine.
Luckily winning, she'd get new shiny balls in her tray after 30 minutes of playing, already imagining how full of cash her pockets were going to be.
However, if money could bring luck, it could also do the opposite; you were too focused on your game to notice how much attention it gathered.
"It's her, right over there with the child's clothes," the door in the back of the room opened before loudly being slammed. Two men in suits walked straight towards you.
Ellie noticed them and stood up before they could try anything.
"she's cheating, sir! I saw her with my own eyes!" It was the same guy looking at you with pure envy from earlier, now talking. You didn't even notice him leaving. You wondered how he was going to prove it.
"miss, stand up and step aside," the taller guy ordered, not even considering the younger guy lying.
"how is winning cheating? this dude is just mad that I have good luck," you defended yourself, but you could tell the taller guy didn't want to hear anything from a woman like you, even if you were telling the truth.
You desperately wanted to keep your jackpot, so you had no choice but to do as he told you, hoping this misunderstanding would quickly end.
Suddenly, you felt a hand forcefully pushing you towards the two men. The three of you fell to the floor like bowling pins, with the two men's heads bumping into each other as yours was cushioned by the tall guy's abdomen.
You didn't even want to apologize when the younger dude yelled at you for trying to kill them, claiming it was an attempt to get away with your 'cheating'
You sighed at how chaotic the situation had turned in just a split second and noticed Ellie behind you.
The two men slowly stood up, and the taller guy pushed you away before he went to check the pachinko machine.
There was no proof that you were cheating, and the look of envy on the guy's face was now mixed with jealousy.
He added another lie, determined to make you lose your jackpot. "aren't minors forbidden in this place, sir?"
His tone was so cocky; you were more trying to control yourself from punching him in the face than keep explaining yourself.
"shut the fuck up. I bet your pubic hair is still growing for the first time," Ellie walked towards him as she cracked her fingers, her patience quickly wearing thin.
The guy stepped back anxiously as he recognized the golden signature on Ellie's jacket.
You've never seen anyone get in such a state just by looking at someone's jacket, but this also explained why everyone would give Ellie a 3-meter of private space in public.
"excuse me? watch your mouth, otherwise not only her, but also you will be expelled," he wasn't even denying what Ellie had said.
The tall man looked you up and down, wondering how the guards even let you enter the casino. You and Ellie didn't even see anyone controlling people at the entrance.
Ellie's gaze shifted from the young guy's face to the tall man's, coming up with a quick lie too, even though both of you were legal. "no, seriously, she's uh... she's my mother. she's just dressed in child's clothes."
Both of the guys looked at each other before looking at you, searching for any sign of old age.
"Yeah, I brought my daughter here so we could get money and get a lawyer for divorce." Your brain worked faster than you'd think. You glanced at Ellie before looking at them, hoping to make this lie sound like truth to the stupid men.
Unfortunately, their level of stupidity was so high that they would only believe men lying, but never women, regardless of whether they'd lie or tell the truth.
Because you had tried both,but it didn't stop both you and Ellie from being expelled from the casino, thrown outside of the building like useless trash.
You brushed the dust off your dress as you stood up with Ellie. "I hate men," you complained as you looked at the front of the building.
The reason both of you got kicked out wasn't because of your age, but because Ellie violently headbutted the two men who were going to call the police on them.
You didn't blame her though; you got kicked out without your jackpot, but she did what you restrained yourself from doing.
Ellie looked at you, making sure you weren't hurt or anything. "same, they didn't have to throw us out like that", her voice dripping with annoyance as she looked back at the building.
Although you were safe, with no police to track you down and no men trying to threaten you, you still felt bad and for losing the jackpot you won.
But you stopped worrying once you recognized the shiny balls Ellie was taking out of her pockets. "no need to be grumpy now,i got these just in time" Ellie said proudly as she handed them out to you. Ellie was usually chill and carefree, but in serious situations, her brain would always work faster than she'd think. That's how she got the quick reflex to push you to the two douchebags so she could put your pachinko balls in her pocket.
There was no way you were going to get in trouble AND lose what belonged to you.
☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°
Impatiently, both of you went to exchange the pachinko balls for money secretly. It wasn't your first time doing something illegal for your own interest; in fact, it was starting to become a habit.
Ellie counted up all the money while you stood next to her, ensuring there was no one watching around, but your eyes would always turn back to Ellie with a focused look on her face.
You couldn't see her beautiful freckles because the roofs of the houses were blocking the sun, casting their shadows on the ground.
The darkness reflected the mystery of Ellie's mind to you.
You wondered what her childhood was like, why she liked darker colors, how she always appeared tough and fearless. You wondered if she ever showed her vulnerable side to her gang members.
But mostly, you wondered why she kept helping you. Was there a deeper meaning behind her smile, a message conveyed through the way she looked at you, and why was she desperate to hear you laugh at her jokes?
Ellie wasn't an attention seeker, but she loved it when you would give yours to her.
The way you stood up for yourself and kicked the ass of the asshole who stole your purse that day was undeniably attractive.
Ellie was still thinking about it; she also imagined how it would be if you joined her gang. The day after that, although she hadn't seen you all day, it didn't mean that you didn't leave her mind.
You realized you hit the big jackpot when Ellie gave you the amount of money your luck was worth; those 500 bucks were easy money for you.
Ellie had a bit less money than you, but when you handed her half of what you had, she refused respectfully.
"we said we'd split up," you insisted. You still had the 200 bucks she got you doubled up in your purse. They were the first thing you grabbed before she drove you to the casino. You never had the occasion to properly thank her for helping you find your purse until now.
Ellie looked at you. She knew your intention but still refused, though she appreciated the act. "you won this because you're a good player. It's yours," her tone softer than usual.
So you softened yours too. "at least take it as a gift." You took her hand, but she closed it before you could give her anything.
You knew Ellie preferred actions over words, so why wasn't she accepting the money?
"I swear I'm going to shove it in your mouth if you keep refusing my act of gratefulness."
Ellie just laughed at how quickly your tone changed, insisting for her to take the money you offered her. She liked how fast you started to understand her.
"Wow, so kind of you, but-"Ellie replied sarcastically, but suddenly her phone rang, interrupting your moment.
Slipping the money into her pockets was far from discreet, so you decided to wait.
You weren't listening, just hearing.
You assumed the deep raspy voice talking to Ellie was Joel. He was telling her to come back home soon since the sun was going to start setting, which she agreed to. She couldn't say 'no' after he said he made pizza.
Ellie talked to Joel as she kept eye contact with you, making the call quick.
"' 'mkay, see ya," she closed her flip phone, making a 'clap' sound before fully focusing her attention back to you.
"kiddo..." you muttered. The way Ellie and Joel conversed told you a lot about their relationship. Joel had a caring yet friendly tone, while Ellie would give short and direct responses. Something felt off between these two, but what caught your attention the most was the nickname Joel would call Ellie. "he calls you kiddo, how cute."
Ellie put her phone back in her pocket, giving you an unappreciative side eye. "don't call me that."
"I was just saying that the way he calls you kiddo's cute." You noticed how embarrassed Ellie got; it showed all over her face with how fast she blushed.
Ellie sighed. She regretted not lowering the volume of her phone during her call; she knew you would tease her about it. "yeah, but he's the only one allowed to call me that."
"but I wasnt calling you kiddo."
"say that one more time and I'll kill you." Ellie shot you a glare as she playfully threatened you. You forgot this side of her for a moment. It wasn't the weed making her chill and goofy whenever she's around you; it was just the way she was with you.
You smiled playfully before leaning your face toward her,you knew perfectly how to annoy her "kiddo"
You ran as fast as you could away from her, with her chasing you.
The wind was blowing against you, making your hair fly as you ran.
Ellie was catching up to you, but before she could grab you ,you stumbled and slipped headfirst on the floor !
Too embarrassed, you stayed on the floor when you heard Ellie exploding into laughter as if she had been holding her laughter in for centuries.
"you don't even wear platforms, how the fuck did you slip like that?" Ellie walked closer to you still refusing to budge. You wanted her to feel guilty
Ellie noticed the lack of response and instantly got worried, already imagining the worst scenarios. She crouched down, gently moving your hair out of your face. "hey ♡, are you ok?" Her voice was caring and gentler compared to earlier.
If she only talks to you like this when worried, you'd stumble on the ground more often.
32 notes · View notes
dudeyuri · 4 months
Text
oh this show just failed on every level didn’t it…i mean the nosedive started in ep 10-ish but ep 12 was egregious. it hurt to watch. no exploration and barely an acknowledgement of mhok’s grief and the role it played in the paranoid escalation leading him to lie to day in ep 11. the majority of the episode was just tonally weird with mhok begging for a second chance every turn and day tongue-in-cheek rebuffing him, totally divorced from the heartbreak of ep 11 (though that itself was set up abysmally) and as usual at the expense of any development for mhok (why did he thank day for breaking up with him? what did that do for him?) 
and then there’s nothing more aggravating than grand romantic gestures (race to airport/slowdance) superseding any sort of actual meaningful communication and acting as a get-back-together shortcut. but then they went and did the thing that makes no sense!! they actually did it!! 
i hate that i went in with an optimistic “i have no reason not to trust aof” and now i’m leaving with “i have uhhhh multiple reasons not to trust aof on multiple levels.” like narratively? the show lost all of its threads. but beyond that, what was the point of day regaining his sight? the answer is just ableism. because this choice upended day’s arc, which was entirely centered and prioritized over mhok’s. so where are we left now??
we’re left with a show that could only envision a satisfying, happy ending if it involved day being cured of his disability…even after showing us that day had learned to thrive and to find happiness and love and friendship and community and satisfaction while blind. so totally keeping in line with how confused and out-of-touch with its own narrative threads the show ended up. but revealing the deeply ableist message that day getting back with mhok would never be enough of a happy ending so long as he was still blind.
like damn u know i thought so highly of aof. now i think significantly less of him. i’m like more annoyed about this than i was about boston and ofts tbh. looking forward to commiserating on here but what a disappointment on so many levels
50 notes · View notes
eslanes · 2 years
Text
Tumblr media
@simvaultthings care to elaborate further??
No really though, this gotta be a sick joke. Right. Right???
150 notes · View notes
sovonight · 1 month
Text
;
#still thinking abt that scene in the underdark where xan is (force) propositioned by that drow lady#and while his first response is shock/apprehension ('*me*??')#radri loses regulation over the volume of her voice going 'what?! no!!' louder than anyone's ever really heard her before#when challenged though she can't come up with a drow-valid reason why hunrae *can't* just take xan#(yes i just now remembered her name lmao)#the thoughts 'bc consent??' 'he'd hate that' '*he's mine he promised*' keep getting translated into an ineffective verbal 'you just cant'#so xan saves himself and falls into a worse mood after it and radri falls into an equally poor mood at how she couldnt do anything/she can#never really do anything can she#oh but there's a kind of equivalent/reversal moment when radri's offered a 'night with one of with phaere's males' as a reward#and xan is just silently panicking/trying to reassure himself with 'she wouldn't' 'she'd hate that' 'she loves me... right?'#radri honestly has an easier time with the excuse this time bc she's not feeling as much panic/pressure as earlier#but the excuse that comes out is along the lines of 'uh monogamy is custom in my city and i already have a male--'#'NO no not one of these guys in my party!! (don't look too closely at them!)'#'i prefer not to travel with him! to make the reunions sweeter...??'#xan's mind catches on 'i prefer not to travel with him' and he gets in a bitter mood bc that might as well be true--#bc really what use is he when he can't even do anything to help/save/protect her despite being right by her side#the underdark has them both on an internal monologue of 'i hate this' but while xan's is mainly towards their surroundings#radri's is almost entirely inward & so isnt eased the moment they reach the surface like xan's is
11 notes · View notes
rainysoll · 2 months
Text
The Burning God spoilers
I'm reading the poppy war for the first time and I just got to the point where they went to free Riga from the mountain and. WDYM RIN AND ALTAN ARE COUSINS.
13 notes · View notes
oatbugs · 2 months
Text
idk how to live so im going to talk to myself out loud until i do
#listen. take a deep breath. i know your bpm is high but you need to think with me for a second.#remember that you are paper thin. all your facets are sheets of paper and what you gave her is just another one.#make a new one. you dont need it. you dont need her to see you. i know you think you need her but you will be okay. i know its hard.#you wish you could have shown her how you loved her. listen to yourself. you are made of paper.#she might be concrete or maybe wood or maybe gold. you need to start laying your roots elsewhere. shut that thought down#and blink and listen. the parts you keep thinking of arent lost. they still happened and they are yours to keep.#there is beauty in this loss. tell me about the beauty in this loss. its okay to think about it. you got to see it all and nothing more#and this is great because it would have been bad. you know it would be violent in a way you dont need. you know this to be true.#you are going to look at that empty space in her shape and youre going to fill it with everything that happened when you knew her.#the memories with her but then also the the way your friends talked you through it. the game with the clovers.#your first allergic reaction you almost died and you couldnt stop laughing and you were held so close to their hearts.#learning the names for all the floursecent gene tracking dyes that everyone else knows already. about the exam - listen again.#i know you think if you fail your life is over but you need to try your best. youre not going to get a good grade in a uni test for the fir#youre going to make up for it. youre going to make sure you make up for it. do you understand? i love you. you have to do this.#right now you need to sit up. breathe. i know your heart hurts. go to the living room. grab something to eat. i dont care if you feel full.#youre going to clean your mattress heater. youre going to study a bit longer and then youre going to sleep. youre going to tell your mother#im sorry and i might genuinely fail a test. shes going to tell you its okay. if you do badly in this course you can just become a neurosurg#just agree. dont argue right now. its okay. youre okay. you are paper thin. i know any puncture hurts.#breathe. think of your friends. think of their hands in yours. it isnt eternal.youve lived through worse. the empty sky is still beautiful.#the lack of her is still beautiful
19 notes · View notes
hannie-dul-set · 6 months
Text
guess who lost her wallet on the way to uni 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭👍
13 notes · View notes
the-voldsoy · 8 months
Text
someone tell frank +the rest of lsd that they can put the shovel down, they dont need to dig their own graves
11 notes · View notes
laughingtale · 7 months
Text
Tumblr media
tag rambling ab latest chapter (again) bc i am normal always
7 notes · View notes
seariii · 1 month
Text
Hm /pos
3 notes · View notes
pinkseas · 5 months
Text
my manager is WAY too fucking nice to me im gonna explode
#emeto tw#emeto cw#in tags ->#i started having a panic attack at work earlier but i didnt really get the chance to go in back and chill for a bit so it just got worse#like REALLY fucking bad worse than ive had in . at least years maybe Ever. i have not thrown up in over a decade now but#i started fucking dry heaving behind the register i REALLY thought i was going to be sick it was a close thing#i couldnt even call my coworker up i just had to fucking dip and pray she realized i was gone (she did thank fuck)#and then i was shaking really bad really freaking out still fucking dry heaving in the back of the store and it was just.#easily one of the worst experiences ive had in a LONG time like december will not leave me alone <- covid then appendicitis and now this WH#and my manager hadnt been in the store at the time but she came in thru the back and saw me and i was like hey haha funny story#and she was so concerned and told me to stay in back as long as i needed and that i could go home if i wanted to etc etc#ended up bringing my bag back for me and bringing me water and she checked in on me every 5-10 mins until my parents finally got there#she was rly nice and rly understanding and then the coworker i abandoned who is also kind of my manager. also came back#and SHE was ALSO super fucking sweet about it really concerned didnt want me to feel bad abt it (i feel so fucking bad abt it)#i did end up having to go home early bc. dear god. and i texted my manager just now asking if i could leave a bit earlier tomorrow#bc im supposed to have another 8 hour shift but i didnt even make it to 4 hours today and im rly nervy abt it happening again#and she straight up was like 'are you sure? i was genuinely planning on covering your shift myself' SHE DOESNT EVEN WORK UP FRONT#SHE'D BE GOING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE REGISTER AND KITCHEN AND SHE'D BE THERE FOR AT LEAST OVER 12 HOURS#like okay. okay. when i texted my parents abt it dad told me 'its probably just nerves. try to push through it'#but my manager and coworkers r gonna be the sweetest kindest most understanding people about it. okay. sure. okay.#surely u see why i am exploding WHY ARE THEY SO NICE?????????? i feel so fucking guilty GOD#alyalyoxenfree
2 notes · View notes
scarletcomet · 5 months
Text
I feel so depressed for no reason. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've tried everything.
#i think talking with my psychiatrist put me in a worse mood#i was like on the verge of tears while talking to her#she said that she would have hoped that the new med im on would have started to make a difference by now#she also said that i always present myself the same way when i come into her office. apparently im distant and withdrawn#i try so hard to open up but im just so bad at putting how i feel into words#she said i never report feeling any better. which isnt even true but i also just havent been feeling much improvement lately#i feel like i do acknowledge the improvement i've made#like she has seen me at my lowest. she literally sent me to the hospital in june. then she was my doctor while i was in the hospital too#idk#i think im just like getting burnt out from all this therapy. ive been in higher levels of care (inpatient/residential/php/iop) since may#i just don't want to do anything. even things i have enjoyed in the past or have always wanted to do#im going to spain with my family on tuesday but i so just dont want to go even though ive wanted to go to spain for a long time#this kind of reminds me of when i wasnt looking forward to the taylor swift concert or my 21st bday#and that was because i was so suicidal. i worry that's how im going to feel again#i felt like i couldnt keep getting through each day which i feel now too#but i guess my suicidal thoughts are less constant and intense now even though they are still chronic#i remember that i literally could not focus on anything because my mind would just wander to thoughts about hurting myself#i remember the constant thoughts and urges...
2 notes · View notes
hearties-circus · 9 months
Text
I kinda feel like I've just hard erased any happiness or elation I had from being done with school all just so I wouldnt get asked a stupid question anymore I hate this I hate this
#gamer txt.#not once have i actually fucking wanted to go to college this was just the only way to make ppl stop asking me about jobs#but im realising now that was a stupid decision and i hate that i made it i hate tgat i had the chance to back out and didnt#the only thing that made school worth it before was my friends that was the only time id get to see them#now im going back to school completely without them like a fucking idiot#i know college is different from highschool i get that and i do want to learn fab weld but fuck me this was dumb#i know damn well im not going to make any new friends during this course im more terrified of people than ive ever been#and i stick out from my class like a sore thumb#whats worse is my nervousness from this has started fucking with my appetite and hunger and that is the worst possible thing it could do#that is like the number one way to break me#im already in such a vulnerable state i do not need constant fucking reminders of trauma i cant fucking escape#and im meant to just be normal and be a person and go to class on monday?#im this close 👌 to just dogging it. im pretty sure ill be getting the train in like i could full well just fuck off and leave#its not like they have my mums number she wouldnt know any different from what i told her#can i not just stay in the purgatory of being a teen old enough to be done with school but young enough to not have a job forever ?#please? im not ready for this im not i couldnt be less ready for this why did i let myself succumb to this pressure? i hate it#g-d i havent cried in. months now. this feels so. this is too much this is way too much fot me i cant do this#i dont know how i thought i could when the hell have i ever been able to do something like this on my own#theres nothing to me on my own i dont have any confidence i dont have any strength i need my friends for that and i dont have them
6 notes · View notes
beeapocalypse · 6 months
Text
dont say this enough but i truly appreciate all of you. thank you for every moment shared
#not to sound incredibly out of it and disconnected from humanity as a whole but all of you are a reminder of an existence outside of this#shitty room. that there is something beyond the day in day out nothing im going to wrestle with forever. i dont know how to word this#i know im unresponsive and reticent and withdrawn and thaat any connection made is temporary and shitty and i am sorry foro that. i don t#know how to be a human being. it isnt due to anyone but mysefl and my shitty insignificant fears. i might not respond i might shy away afte#just a few messages but i truly truly appreciate everything. you make me human#^ sorry that sounds strange as fuck and over reliant on people i cant form lasting connections with but i dont know how else to phrase it#and im going to have to say goodbye one day and it is going to hurt but im not close enough to a single person to make it personal ive just#got frayed and split connections things that mightve been but never bloomed because i just couldnt REPLY so it could always be worse. it is#a mercy it wont hurt as bad as it could when i leave because nobody really got to know me beyond a distant possibility#i wish i could but i just cannot handle being friends with anyone. not of anyones fault but my own#i know im being presumptuous and attention seeking and shitty here. im sorry#i could leave right now. i really could. its a thought that dogs after every single action the knowledge of just how fragile life is. death#is less than five minutes away an easy solution right at my fingertips and still i get too fucking scared to grab ahold of it. clinging to#these ephemeral insignificant connections thaat are now naught but usernames on dashboards and passing thoughts when i ought to just leave
3 notes · View notes
ouchhq · 8 months
Text
just gonna vent for a sec please dont mind me
2 notes · View notes
lecliss · 10 months
Text
Wifi is out cuz cox sucks so I have to take photos rather than share screenshots BUT in Code Vein if you sit on the couch long enough your MC falls asleep!!!!
Tumblr media
And even better, if you continue to sit there long enough, they literally lay down!!!!
Tumblr media
PLEASE THIS IS SO CUTE!!!! Everything I hear about Code Vein is that its a bad game but criticism be damned. If a game let's you do this it's a good fucking game no matter what.
2 notes · View notes