#i did end up having to go home early bc. dear god. and i texted my manager just now asking if i could leave a bit earlier tomorrow

[pinkseas]

my manager is WAY too fucking nice to me im gonna explode

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Tony Stark’s son (Part 2)

Tony Stark x son!reader

warnings:

a/n: had to split it into 2 parts bc i hit the text limit dhshaggags

prompt: continued

part 1

~sokovia was ur first big mission~

“why is y/n here, stark?” -cap

“the first mistake was letting me become a father”

“good god, tony...”

you having the time of your life crushing robots

“WHEEEEEE”

also proving useful by saving avengers a handful of times

“thanks for the assist, stark clone” -clint

rip pietro

rhodey was actually the most worried about you if we’re being honest, he didn’t understand why they let you in this one???

“y/n? y/n, talk to me! are you alive?”

“yes, uncle rhodey! i’m perfect, stop worrying!”

“i love you, kid! be safe!”

✨a good family you’ve got✨

soon the avengers broke up bc your dad cant get along with steve and it was just really awkward

but you chose your dad’s side

“sorry, steve! he pays my allowance!”

peter was actually a little okay, you know!! spazzy at first, but he was cool

“dude, you’re y/n stark! you’re tony stark’s very own son! i’m talking to mr. stark’s only child!”

“yep, that’s me. i’m what earned tony the title of ‘DILF’”

teenage teamup? ofc

“am i doing alright?”

“looking a-okay, pete!”

tony was worried fighting steve would traumatize you so he made you wait at the hotel with happy and peter

“don’t do anything to embarrass me, y/n. i dont want to see you on the news for something stupid”

you and peter ended up hanging out in your room and watching tv and ordering room service

“how do you do that so smoothly? i’d just freak out and go get it myself”

“years of experience as a spoiled rich brat”

absolutely positively being up all night and trying to fight your exhaustion

“you two seem to be getting along well. couldn’t be me” -happy

“for someone named happy, you never seem to be happy”

“not around teenagers, no”

“i remember when you loved me, ‘uncle happy’”

peter texted you every day after that

whenever flash picked on peter for “never meeting tony stark” he’d show a picture of you and him taking selfies in the lab together yes you invite him over much to the dismay of everyone else around you

plus tony was out of town and you were finally trusted enough to be left alone unchecked so like, happy would just leave at the first sign of peter

“that’s not real!”

“jealous?”

you actually showed up for homecoming on a dare (but in disguise)

didn’t wanna attract all the attention, you just wanted a high school experience

but you got called into avengers tower to help move early on :/ bad timing too cuz peter had to fight his first villain and u missed it

“dude, how do you feel?”

“bruh sound effect number two”

“oh my god”

FRIDAY heard him and pulled up the sound and you were WEAK you couldn’t stop laughing

“please....i think i broke a few ribs. cant laugh until tomorrow”

tony offered peter the avengers gig and peter said no, you were very disappointed but u understood that not everyone wanted to be in the spotlight like that

but you and peter obviously still hung out

oh, tony proposed! they interviewed you on sight!

“y/n, how does it feel to know that you’re going to have a stepmom soon?”

“you guys are aware that pepper helped raise me, right? right?!”

moving on, life was smooth for a while, there was some wedding planning, talk of you being a best man (which rhodey fought you on)

“no, i’ve known your dad longer!”

“i’m his son!”

i n v a s i o n

oh boy that was rough

bruce was surprised that you had fucking grown so much in the past 3 years good lord

“y/n...your VOICE”

“puberty, i know. when’s it gonna happen to you?”

“it hurts more when it’s from a teenager”

“uh, did you forget my birthday?”

peter’s back! peter’s back!

finally, man

“spider-kid, i could use an assist!”

“on the way!”

“aliens, why did it have to be aliens?”

up up and away for tony and peter, leaving you on the ground with all the earthly chaos and fear

“you two are the absolute worst, you know that? DAD, PETER, GET BACK DOWN HERE”

“no can do, kid. i—” *cuts off*

“oh great, no service on the space donut, huh? find a damn wifi password and call me back you asshole”

pepper was probably having a heart attack bc the news stations were having a field day but you were one of the only active avengers left, meaning you had to help clean this up

“bruce, we gotta get going”

“what? where?”

“upstate”

patching up the avengers as best as you could to take care of the threat

but you guys always win, this should be a cake walk, right?

wrong.

this was bad, very bad

after a lengthy battle with thanos in wakanda, you had failed. thanos got the stones, he snapped. the world was in ruins. but you didn’t get to see that part

you dusted away

“tell dad i’m sorry and i love him”

tony finally came back to earth hoping to see you, but upon seeing pepper’s face, he knew you were gone

“he did everything he could, tony! he didn’t deserve it!”

she was extremely upset, she saw you like a son of her own

soon, her and tony restarted their life and had a daughter, dad always wondered what it’d be like to have a little girl. it was different, it really was

she was eager to meet you

morgan stole pictures of you to hang up in her room

“when i meet y/n, im gonna give him a big hug! then we’ll have a tea party!”

tony has a picture of you and peter in the kitchen, he misses the two of you, but found comfort in the fact that you may be with each other

an ounce of hope, he had to try something

save his only son, and his other son

when he got to 2012, he was disappointed that he hadn’t let you become an avenger yet because he couldn’t see you here

yada yada he fucked up now he’s in the 70s and he fixed the fuck up and now hes in 2023

and bruce snapped

and you were all brought back and the way you kicked ass was inspiring

tony had to see his son now. right now.

“y/n, dear god! you’re okay! oh, man. i love you so much, kid. i missed you”

“i love you too. and i can’t believe you went to space without me, meanie”

“get over it”

ah, back to old times

peter and you obviously had to team up for this one! come on, what a story to tell!

and then, a snap and the warriors began to fade. you turned around and saw him on his knees

“no...”

you rushed over to where peter already was and tried to hold back tears, to be strong for him

“hey, dad. i’m here. no more missed goodbyes, okay? i’m here.”

you sat beside him and held his hand while the rest of your family made their peace with him and he finally slipped away

“y/n...are you okay?” -peter

“not even a little”

peter was worried about you, but you were worried about peter

mutual worry

meeting morgan was...surprising

pepper forgot to tell you they had a daughter while you were gone

she was so sweet and for the first month you lived at the cabin, she slept in your room

you got NO space

“i love you y/n”

“love you too” *thinking about dad bc she just reminds you of him so much*

“i love you y/n”

“love you too, morgan”

over and over

peter and you had sleepovers a lot, usually at his house bc you were the only one besides ned allowed over bc of all the spider-stuff

ned fanboyed over you

also sleepovers at peter’s were a nice break from being at tony’s cabin where you were constantly reminded that he wasn’t there

“y/n, i’m going to europe for a field trip! it’s gonna be awesome!”

“dude, you’re gonna love it. are you bringing your suit?”

“no, this is my offical vacation. no spider-manning”

“good for you, man!”

peter sent you all the pictures he took on his phone

all of them

Peter-Man: And this one is me and Ned in our crappy hotel room. And here’s the river. And here’s MJ covered in birds, and here’s the airplane, Mr. Harrington fell asleep on me

you had to come to europe once you heard what was going on

happy and you picked up peter and he was a mess

“you gave away dad’s glasses?”

“i think we’re past the point that i am not smart”

“jesus, peter. you should have called me about them. i would have taken them off your hands if you weren’t ready for them”

having to make sure that you guys didn’t get hurt bc this was honestly your guy’s first solo pair-up

there wasnt much backup here

finally, you defeated the evil (who apparently held a very large grudge against you. sorry mister beck) and were able to go back home

“call me if you need anything, pete”

“i will. i promise.”

and the next thing you know...peter’s identity was exposed

“i left him alone for one day!”

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @lokihiddles // @frostedgiant // @emygirl // @lotsoffandomrecs // @johnmurphyisbisexual // @teenwaywardasgardian // @pappydaddy // @captainshazamerica // @freya-xo // @ravenmoore14 // @purpleskiesstorm //

[itaruchi]

Obey me shopping date w the brothers hc + bonus lingerie store

Some obey me hc I made a while back

context: the brothers shopping date w/ mc or their s/o

Lucifer

both of you always wanted to go out on a shopping date however, he is kinda busy so it probably took longer before you two finally were able to go out shopping.

he doesn’t want others to know especially his bros cuz he thinks they’ll ruin your date.

(just like from a text in his card i forgot) he asks you to sneak out too right after he leaves so that it won’t be suspicious

After that, you finally met him at the mall and you two went on your shopping date.

he glanced at the lingerie store and now he has that devilish smirk on his face again

you were nervous cuz you have an idea what’s he thinking,, you bet he bought you some of those and he said he wants to see those on you

and other stuff you guys would probably need for alone time

Satan

he’s the one who asked you out on a shopping date

you were so happy and excited, you two often go out on coffee dates and stuff but this time, it will be a shopping date!

“do you need some help with those?” offers to carry ur stuff for u <3

as u two walk you spot a lingerie store

satan wondered what were u looking at, so he followed ur gaze

“do you want to check that one out y/n?”

u obvs didn’t see that one coming

u are now blushing, and told him “if it’s not too much....”

you bet he says it isn’t, and now the two of u entered

and of course u tried on some,, dude’s a fan of the lace ones, and he ended up picking one for you.

“you know, y/n...” he gets in real close, and whispers to your ear yes as the two of you are walking. 

“since i helped you out there, you wouldn’t mind to pay back the favor sometime, would you?”

Mammon

let’s be real, you were surprised when he asked you out on a shopping date.

“u-umm... y/n you wouldn’t happen to...uh-- er, well you just looked so lonely so now i’m doing you a favor! be grateful! you’ll be going on shopping w me!”

you: but i didn’t—

but before u could finish, he heads off he was probably denying and fighting w/ Levi about how he ain’t a ‘tsundere’

ends up being the one who buys a lot, and even tries to ‘bargain’ at some shops

you facepalmed a lot that day

but he bought u something.... he gave it to u when u two got home

u were feeling soft and shit but then he goes the typical “be thankful the great mammon took time to get you that!”

which sends u rolling ur eyes but smiling bc u were actually happy <3

Levi

it was ur rest day, u have no classes nor schoolworks. this day was supposed to be your ‘pamper’ day for yourself

but nah, levi had other plans

he barges into ur room early in the morning “GET UP NORMIE, WE’RE GOING SHOPPING”

you fell down your bed face first

“I SAID GET UP! WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE! THE GAME I’VE BEEN WANTING FOR SO LONG is on sale and they don’t do deliveries!”

he leaves you in your room, feeling like shit but u mutter something but you know you have no choice but to come

it ended up as the two of you waiting in a long ass line outside of a game store

“ugh, this is your fault y/n! If we weren’t late, i could’ve been playing right now!” insert more complains etc and how iTs sO uNfAir

needless to say it’s as if you were with a child, couple of hrs later he buys the game he wants and the two of u went home

he texts u “yo, come to my room” and so you did, the two of you ended up playing all night.

Asmodeus

you two actually have the ‘shopping dates’ scheduled

he tells u in advance, and maybe he keeps reminding you that actually... “don’t forget our shopping date y/n!” a lot of times in a day

maybe bc he’s scared no one would carry his shopping bags for him

but yes. that’s usually how it goes. you two shop ‘til your feet are about to give up

“y/n, would you be a dear and hold this for meeee~?” he says, not bothering to let u answer as he shoves all the shopping bags to you

you see a chair inside a store and it’s as if the gods heard your prayers

as expected he becomes a lil too extra and buys things he doesn’t need

and that goes for you as well. he actually bought you a lot of new dresses, outfits etc. even tho you insisted you weren’t going to use it

but shopping dates with asmo are actually fun, it’s just u become some kinda guard each time lol

Beelzebub

you two were just hanging around in your room then his stomach grumbles lol

“you hungry?” you asked the obvious. he nods and you laugh

you invited beel to eat outside, and maybe hang while u guys are at it

you guys couldn’t decide where to eat tbh

so the first restaurant you see it is!

but wait there’s more. i mean duh, it’s beel

it ended up as you guys eating in at least ten restaurants

you were already full after the first one so it’s just beel eating

but you wanted to keep him company soooo.... you just stood there like some lovestruck teenage girl watching her bf eat for the first time

when you guys got home, he thanked you for accompanying him

he was about to give you a goodnight kiss

but his stomach grumbled once again

he blushes in embarrassment, but you just laughed and you bet you ordered food and had a movie marathon that night.

Belphegor

 “Belphie, let’s go” zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

oh yes you two planned a shopping date but you’re struggling to get him off the bed.

but when he saw the look on your face, he couldn’t resist so dude got up fast LMAO

he was kinda complaining while the two of you were shopping 

there was a time where he fell asleep waiting for you

you would’ve thought “aww <3″ but then you remembered you guys were in public, so you woke his ass up

you felt bad for making him wait so you told him you two were going home.

when you got home, you tried the lingerie you bought again

cue: someone opening the door

it was belphie, he stood there in shock but his face was RED AF

you are as red as a tomato as well, but you asked why was he here

he said he was going to sleep in your room but now that he saw you, you guys now have other plans

[spenceraugust]

Ok avian au but mostly because I’m a bird scientist and it takes a special kind of person to bird from 3 am to 6 pm for two weeks straight and I feel like that is a fun taakitz dynamic

Dear anon, you've probably forgotten you sent me this ask a million years ago- I'm sorry it took so long!!!

Five(ish? The last one is long) things about an avian au!!!

1. A new species of corvid is found in southern modern fantasy Faerûn, deep in an incredibly wooded area. Lodgings and meals are provided, because it is literally in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. Kravitz takes the offer because he has a soft spot for corvids- his mother called him "little raven" growing up.

Taako takes the job out of spite. Lup says he can't survive more than six hours without her during a fight, and he goes "oh??? Well actually I'm going to be gone on a month long research study so I think not" and he's not about to be caught in a lie after the fight has blown over so he's (regrettably) going.

2. No cell service!! Taako's a little crabby when he arrives, since he had to wake up super early for his noontime arrival and Kravitz fully bumps into him, trying to help someone else with their bag. Taako chews him out, thinking that he's just a lab assistant. But surprise!!! He gets his lodging assignment and they were roommates. (Oh my god they were roommates)

3. Did I mention they're also lab partners?? There's a dedicated trailer for lab assignments, so they spend their days out in the woods just doing basic observation on bird calls, diets, etc. But at night they work one on one in a lab with any samples they've found to learn more about the species. Taako finds a bird cadaver in the woods one day and is the hero of the research study, because they can start REALLY checking out what the biology looks like (spoiler alert: it looks like a bird I guess, idk) and Kravitz is like uh??? But I'm the one who found that big nest we've been studying?? Y'know, the one the cadaver was RIGHT NEXT TO????

4. This is obvi rivals to lovers bc I'm not an animal, so their first bonding moment (other then one of them cracking a joke that the other overhears from time to time and gradually moving to indifference) is Taako enters their tent one time bitching about the bugs, and Kravitz looks up and is like "oh, do you want bug spray? I also have benadryl if you need" and Taako hears none of it because Kravitz is sitting on his bed roll holding a book that's like 600 pages long and it's just pictures of birds. And Taako is like??? Do you not,,, read????

And Kravitz gets a little defensive and is like "I just think they're neat!!! And they're pretty, okay!!!" And they end up spending all night talking about their favourite thing about birds. The next day they're exhausted but they get along much better after that!!

5. Its during the last few days of the study, and they're sitting together and eating talking about their plans once they get to leave, and they live kind of far and Taako is surprisingly devastated???? Like, as of two weeks ago he hated this guy??? But now he's like :((((

They hug and exchange numbers, and they both head home. They text a lot, and Lup teases him constantly about "the one that got away" which is a) not funny, Lup, and also b) very insensitive??? Barold, tell her its insensitive!!

Kravitz comes to visit when he's got some time off work and they go out for dinner?? And it's like, really fucking awesome. Kravitz brings Taako a massive poster of a bird (think person size) and he's in the middle of joking like "now we can always look at bird pictures together, even if I can't read" and Taako just kisses him??? And he like hey???? You know how you hate living in modern fantasy Rockport???? And how you hate working at your current lab???? And how you joked about applying at my lab???? You should do that.

And he does!! They occasionally go on field assignments, but they spend most of their time together at work doing labs and writing research papers. They joke that the only thing they love more than eachother is looking at pictures of birds. Taako insists on hanging Kravitz's joke poster up in their apartment (he kinda hates it now). Lup throws a sheet over it everytime she comes over. For Candlenights, they both get eachother birds (Kravitz gets Taako a budgie for him to teach bad words to and Taako gets Kravitz a pied crow) and they love eachother and their work very much 💖💖

[babybluebex]

sunshine (rami malek)

dad!rami melts my heart so here have this i’m in my feels and have baby fever and this was originally a deacy thing but i changed it to rami bc we as a fandom deserve dad!rami now i’m rambling LOL 

song: electric love by børns

word count: 2448

My hands were shaking and I could barely breathe. Rami didn’t deserve this sort of thing. He was in London filming No Time To Die, he didn’t need any distractions. His character, the villainous Safin opposite Agent 007, was so different from his usual goofy self, and he usually stayed in character because of how difficult it was to slip in and out of the role. When I told him that I was pregnant, I knew that he would drop everything and come back to me, and while that was the dream response, I couldn’t ask that of him. It wasn’t fair not to tell him, though.

I grabbed my phone and carefully dialed my boyfriend’s number, and I waited as I listened to the dial tone. The time difference meant that his day was over and I hated to wake him up from a much-needed sleep, but it couldn’t wait.

The call was answered, and I heard Rami mumble, “Stella? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, umm...” I began. “I just... Hell. I just found out that, uh... You have to promise me that you stay in London. You can’t drop everything, I can handle this by myself. Promise me, Ram.”

“Yeah, yeah, I promise,” Rami said sleepily. “What’s up?”

“I...” I began and dug my fingernails into my palms. “I’m pregnant.”

“What?” Rami said. “Wait, hold on. You’re pregnant?”

I chewed on my bottom lip. “Yeah,” I mumbled.

“Stella!” Rami exclaimed and laughed. “Seriously?”

“I wouldn’t joke, Rami,” I said with a light chuckle.

“And you really expect me to stay here?” Rami asked. “Are you crazy? How far along are you?”

“Just passed the first trimester,” I said. “I had no clue at all, I just thought it was my meds or whatever, but... Rami. We’re gonna have a boy.”

Rami’s laughter was unbridled glee. “A boy?” He repeated. “A boy! Stella, a boy... Oh, wow. Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“Why’re you thanking me?” I asked.

“Because you’re giving me a baby!” Rami said. “A boy... Oh, wow. Shit, I promised you I would stay here. Be really careful, yeah? And call Sami, he and his wife’ll help you until I can get home.”

“Okay,” I chuckled. “I know it’s late, I’ll let you sleep.”

Rami scoffed. “As if I can sleep now with the image of a pregnant you in my head,” he said. “Do you have a name in mind?”

“I was thinking Saïd,” I said softly. “Share a name with his Baba.”

“I’m Baba,” Rami laughed. “I’m a dad. Oh, goddamn it, Stella. I love you so much. So much.”

Now came the part that I was really concerned about. “I...” I started. “My family will hate it and so will yours, but I don’t wanna get married because of him. I dunno, I just don’t want that.”

“Okay,” Rami agreed. “Done. I love you so much, you know that? Filming’s gonna end soon and I’ll be home and we’ll do this together.”

“Thank you,” I said. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Rami said. “I’m gonna try to sleep, but I don’t make many promises.” 

“Sounds good,” I laughed. “Goodnight, Ram. Sleep well.”

“Thank you so much, Stella,” Rami said. “Again, thank you.” 

The second and third trimester passed like it was nothing. Rami got home a few weeks into the second, just in time to see my bump start to grow, and, in the middle of LAX, he dropped to his knees and kissed my belly. He was such a goof, but I loved how deeply he cared for our baby. 

The press got hold of the news quickly, and soon Rami was being bombarded with questions. We decided to keep the gender a secret, only divulging that we did in fact have a name picked out. Rami insisted on painting our spare bedroom for Saïd, and we chose a nice soft blue for the walls.

My mother was less than thrilled when we told her. She was happy, of course, but the fact that Rami and I were not going to get married or even engaged vexed her. Rami’s mother was more of the same, but she came to terms with it the first time she felt Saïd kick her hand.

Rami was such a dutiful father-to-be. He helped me stand up when my back hurt, massaged my shoulders for me, always made sure I was eating enough. Every night before bed, we had a small tradition where Rami would lay between my legs with his mouth pressed against my belly, and he would whisper to his son and tell him about his day. Sometimes they would ‘talk’ for almost an hour. I watched Rami as he did this, the way his muscles flexed under his skin as he situated himself to better speak to his son, the twinkle in his blue eyes when a gentle kick came to his cheek, and how he ran his fingers through his dark curls with bemusement once every five minutes. It was still hard for him to believe that he was going to be a father, and Saïd was already a spoiled little boy, just by his father’s love.

My due date was in early June. Our sweet summer boy was only a few weeks away. I made my way into the kitchen and sighed loudly, and I said, “Rami. No, sir, not today.”

“Why not?” Rami asked curiously. He moved the pan off of the stove and came over to me and he gently kissed my messy hair.

“It’s your birthday, jackass,” I chuckled. “I’m supposed to treat you to breakfast. Or did you miss that memo?”

“Didn’t miss it,” Rami shrugged. “Just decided to ignore it. Anyway, I like taking care of you two. Making you and Saïd breakfast is the least I can do.”

I sighed. “Fine,” I grumbled. I slowly sat myself down at the table, and Rami delivered me a cup of hot tea with a kiss on my nose. The whole no-caffeine thing was a real killer but, after eight months, I had gotten used to the taste of decaf everything. I took a sip of the tea and said, “The first thing I’m gonna do once the munchkin’s out is have a cup of coffee.”

“Sounds like a good plan,” Rami said. “Any specific coffee I can pick up for your first cup?”

“Surprise me,” I mumbled sleepily. My back spasmed in pain, and I clenched my teeth together. “Hi, baby,” I whispered and rubbed my belly. An aching back was always the signal that Saïd was awake. “Good morning, little man.”

“He awake?” Rami asked.

“Yeah,” I said. Rami abandoned what he was doing to come kneel down by my chair, and he lifted my t-shirt to see my belly. It was covered in dark stretch marks, but he always took care to kiss every single one every night as he talked to Saïd. He never wanted me to feel bad about any part of myself— ever, really, but especially when I was giving him “the best gift” that he could ask for.

“Hey, you,” Rami cooed. “Are you awake? Gonna kick for me?”

My back ached again, and I reached down and massaged my lower back with my fingertips. “God, this sucks,” I mumbled.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Rami said softly. “Anything I can do to help?”

“Umm...” I began and stopped suddenly. My pants felt damp. That wasn’t unusual, because I had begun to sweat like a pig during the night, but it was strange that the butt of my pants was dry and my thighs were wet. I looked down in confusion, and I pushed Rami away quickly. Jesus, I did not want him sitting in a puddle of pre-labor fluid. Not pre; I was in labor. “Fuck.”

“What?” Rami asked quickly. “What’s wrong?”

“My water just broke,” I said slowly. “I can’t go to the hospital until contractions are about four minutes apart, so start timing them for me. I’ll be—“ I paused to grunt at the pain. “Slightly distracted.”

“Holy shit, Stells,” Rami said quickly. “Okay, I’ll call Sami and let him know, and— Is that a contraction? Right now?”

“According to Lamaze classes, yes,” I said. I stood up carefully and took Rami’s hands, and I said, “Apparently, Saïd does not wanna miss your birthday.”

Rami laughed. “He sure doesn’t,” he said. “Tell me when the next one starts. I’ll get you some new clothes and pack a bag.”

—

I was in the hospital by lunchtime. The contractions were nowhere as painful as Grey’s Anatomy made them out to be; they hurt like hell, don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t shrieking in agony. A small grunt of pain, but that was about it. I was in a private room— probably because of Rami’s celebrity— and Rami sat next to my bed, holding my hand. We had his phone tilted up and were watching various documentaries on Netflix to pass the time, and then a knock came on the door. The door opened just a peek to show a pair of blue eyes, and I grinned. “Hey, Sam,” I said cheerfully. “How were your classes?”

“I was distracted as hell all day,” Sami laughed. “I got the call from Ram before second block and that just messed up my concentration for the rest of the day. But how are you guys?”

“Good,” I said. “A little tired, but excited.”

“That’s great,” Sami said. “It’s good that you both are calm. When Rosie was born, all bets were off for me.”

I nodded. I remembered Sami being a hot mess the day his daughter was born, and the memory brought a smile to Rami’s face. “You might be waiting a while,” he told his twin. “The doctors say it won’t happen until tomorrow morning if we’re lucky.”

“That’s fine,” Sami said. “I have no problem with that.” 

“Happy birthday, Sami,” I chuckled.

“That would be really funny,” Sami said. “If Saïd was born today. Three birthdays on the same day in the same family.”

“Yeah, don’t jinx it,” Rami chuckled. “Bri texted me and said he’d be coming by soon.”

“Dr. May?” I clarified, and Rami nodded. He and Brian had grown incredibly close since BoRhap, even to the point where we asked him and his wife to be Saïd’s godparents; they accepted without hesitation. “Ah, that’ll be nice. He’s such a cool guy.”

Saïd decided to make his appearance before Brian could show up. The contractions became longer and tougher, forcing a few hard breaths from my lungs, and panic began to set it when the midwife made Rami and Sami leave the room. “He’s the— Rami’s the father,” I protested quickly. “Can’t he stay?”

“We’ll get him scrubbed up and he’ll be back soon, dear,” a gentle nurse told me, but that didn’t stop my eyes welling up with tears.

Rami squeezed my hand once more before being ushered away. Soon after that, I had my epidural, and I was only mentally half in the room after that. Rami came back, all dressed up in sterile scrubs, and he held my hand and encouraged me the whole time. “Good job, good job,” he whispered to me. He brushed my hair off of my forehead and kissed my cheek, and he said, “Doc’s saying to push, Stella. C’mon, you can do it. Good, good, just like that.”

I was more aware of what Rami was doing than what I was doing. I watched a mixture of surprise and happiness flit across his face, and I distantly heard a nurse exclaim, “It’s a girl!”

“A girl?” I asked. “We were told...?”

All thoughts left my head as the nurse tugged down the neck of my gown and laid my daughter on my bare chest. She was wailing, her olive skin all wrinkled up, a soft swirl of black on the top of her head. I cooed at her and kissed her forehead, and her wails died down to small hiccups. “Clara,” I whispered. “Clara?”

Rami smiled. He was crying, and he leaned down and kissed my lips. “Clara,” He said when he pulled away. “My gorgeous, gorgeous little Clara.”

Clara was taken to be cleaned and weighed, and Rami held me tightly. “You did it,” he said. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” I whispered. “And Clara. Clara Malek.”

“No, she’d have your last name,” Rami said. “Clara Lee.”

“No,” I said softly. “I know I said I didn’t wanna get married, but that was before Clara was a tangible human. I can’t imagine not being married to you as we raise her.”

“This is the best birthday I’ve ever had, no debate,” Rami said with a smile.

Clara was brought back quickly, and she was swaddled up in a delicate yellow blanket with a knitted yellow cap over her small head. She was quiet now, her plump lips forming a perfect o as she breathed, her olive skin filled with a red blush of blood and life. I held her closely and kissed her head, and I carefully gave her to Rami. He looked down at her, a spitting image of himself, and I swear that I have never seen him more in love with anything or anyone. “Clara,” He said softly. “I’m never gonna let anyone hurt you, ya hear me? Baba will protect you until the day I die.”

Sami came in and fawned over Clara, holding her and commenting on her little dimpled cheeks. Sami’s wife took a picture of him holding her, then she said, “Ram, Stells, would you like a picture?”

“Sure,” I said. “I look like a mess but I wanna capture the moment.”

Rami was sitting on the edge of the hospital bed as I held Clara, burying a kiss in my messy and sweaty hair. His eyes were closed blissfully and I smiled down at Clara with every ounce of love in my body. My sweet little daughter.

Rami uploaded the picture to his Instagram after a nearly year-long drought of uploads. ​Hello all​, he captioned it. Help me welcome Clara Habibah Malek. We were told that Clara was to be a boy and we planned on the name Saïd Christopher, but she decided on surprising us. Clara is what we came up with for the replacement for Saïd, and Habibah is Arabic for beloved child. It feels accurate, because she has a whole world of people who love her. Thank you all for supporting us on this journey, and we hope that you stay with us. Sincerely, Rami Malek and Stella Malek. 

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ i’ll cover your deep heart and even your pain.

date: june 2020 / august 2020.

location: ash’s apartment studio / wellness retreat / ash’s apartment studio again.

word count: 1,866 words.

summary: ash writes a song for youngjoo’s birthday and decides to put it on his album.

triggers: n/a.

notes: creative claims verification. mentions of youngjoo ofc. i kinda... don’t... hate this 🥴

early june 2020.

he starts at home, where he usually does: in the comforting walls of his studio. it’s dark outside, but it’s the same level of low light it always is in his studio. the only sign of the late hour is the state of artistic drive his brain is in. a natural night owl, writing comes easiest at a late hour, a small blessing among few he has that has helped him survive life as an idol. 

youngjoo’s birthday is approaching and he needs something to give her. there’s no guide to shopping for your friend-question-mark-slash-hook-up-question-mark-slash-ex girlfriend-question-mark-slash-muse-question-mark. believe him, he’d searched both google and naver to try to find an idea.

the answer should be obvious. self-expression for ash comes far more easily through song than anything else. he’ll shower a lover in gifts if they ask him to, but she’s not his lover and they’re both too secure in their careers for an exchange of gifts, no matter how extravagant and expensive they may be, to hold all that much value based on sheer luxury alone. everything else, everything that would lend itself to sentimentality, feels like either too much or too little. there’s a line ash has to toe to keep from implying they’re more than they are without offending her by demoting her role in his life to that of a mere acquaintance.

a song can be shaped entirely by ash himself. he’ll be the auteur of its tone and content and everything it conveys. the problem ash has realized is that that turns back on him, forcing him to question what it is he wants to convey to her.

he’s written her a song once already. kind of. not really. he’d written songs to her and about her, but never directly for her. woo ah had taught him well enough that even showing him any of those songs is a bad idea, and yet here he is.

it’s obvious he needs to keep it simple. anything too romantic and it’ll come off as a confession. he doesn’t have a confession he’s looking to make, to start with, and even if he did, confessing on her birthday would be terribly self-centered of him. no one with half a brain and respect for others would believe that’s the right move to make.

what does he want to tell her? there’s a lot, but it’s easy to shift through and eliminate everything that wouldn’t be appropriate to make this song about. pulling to the forefront the specifics of what he can and should tell her is harder.

he abandons that and instead pulls out his one of his favorite guitars, his black gibson les paul, and sets to playing around with chord progressions and suitable keys. there’s a melody that bounces around in his head and he sends it soaring into the air through the strings, not satisfied until he finds a way to shape it into the kind of rolling comfort youngjoo provides him.

youngjoo’s a composer, a master with notes even if ash knows she doubts her lyrical ability at times. if words fail, he can hope she’ll connect with him in the heart of the song.

if he’s lyrics, so forward and obvious and often messy in execution under the excuse of heavy emotion, then youngjoo is the melody and harmonies that lay underneath, steady, strong, and deep.

mid-june 2020.

another night, he returns to the composition he’d written and he puts the instrumental on repeat as he pulls out a pen and a notebook and writes youngjoo a letter. if that’s what he wants to do through the song so badly, what better way to start than to do it for real? it’s not something she’ll ever read, but he'll have it.

------------------------------------------------------

dear joo,

letters are romantic like no other form of writing that exists other than, perhaps, song itself. at the risk of sounding like one of those old men who complain that all the kids do these days is text, it wouldn’t be so bad to bring letter-writing back. it’s comforting to read a letter, isn’t it? there’s something so permanent yet fragile about written words on paper. it’s comforting and delicate all at once. that’s how you make me feel sometimes. you’ve seen parts of me i worry about you having seen. on late nights like this without anyone else around, i get terrified that the sides of me that aren’t perfect are going to be the ones that cost me you from my life.

i know what you’d say if you read this. ‘don’t be silly. you’re perfect the way you are, ash.’ you’re always so much better and so much more loving than i give you credit for, but it’s not your fault i don’t give you enough credit. i know the woman you are. i’ve been your friend a while now. once upon a time, you even granted me the privilege of being your lover. i know you. knowing you so well is why i can’t get you off of my mind.

i’ve thought so hard about what i think you want to hear from me. i think about that a lot, actually, even when your birthday isn’t approaching. what do you want me to say? what do you want me to do? what do you want me to be? but none of that is what you’d want me to do, i know, so i’m now beginning to think it would be better if i didn’t think too hard about that. i’ll think about what i want to tell you.

song is a gift. i don’t believe in a god or a greater design, but music is the closest thing the human race has created to true divinity. in music, we can express everything we can’t say without a melody or a rhythm or a harmony to support us.

i’ve been thinking a lot about you lately, about us, and about this world we live in. there are days i feel so empty that i ache with the coldness of it. do you have those days, too? you must. i don’t know if you know i realize this because i’m in my own head so often, but i know my life isn’t the only hard one out there. i’m lucky in so many ways i take for granted. i know your relationship with your parents isn’t what you deserve it to be, and i know your heart is so big that you’ll do anything to see the good in anyone who crosses your path, even if it hurts you in the end. it may have seemed like i blamed you for it when we were together, but i understand you didn’t hide your feelings from me on purpose. i’ve never fully understood that about you. we’re so different in that way. but, now, it worries me more than anything. are there other feelings you don’t show me? fear, sadness, hurt?

i hope you know that you can share all of those emotions with me. i won’t judge you for them and they won’t be a burden to me. i meant it when i said i wanted to be a light for you. let me shine for you when your world is dark and let me be your blanket when you feel cold both inside and out.

i’m a greedy man and i want so much i shouldn’t, but please know that you allowing me to be that would make me happy. if i could return a fraction of the comfort and peace you’ve brought me, being able to give you that for your birthday and beyond would be the greatest gift i could ever give you.

yours, ash

------------------------------------------------------

the letter turns easily into lyrics after that. the letter is compressed into something much shorter, but it’s brief and to the point, avoiding the detours and scenic walks his stream of conscious letter had taken him on. it isn’t his most winding, poetic feat of storytelling, but he has no intention of it being. this isn’t a song meant to touch any listener who hears it. this is a song meant to touch one listener.

recording it comes similarly easily, and he insists on recording the song in one take. half an hour passes and he stops. there are times he’ll spend hours upon hours recording one song in the studio, but this song doesn’t need that. to fret over every intricacy of delivery and vocal technique would be to strip the song of its rawness, to present it as overly polished and perfected, and he already tries so hard to be some idealized version for himself in front of youngjoo already.

this is honesty.

august 2020.

the draft he sends youngjoo before he performs the song for her isn’t what the finished product of the song ends up being. it’s rough and short in comparison to what he ends up turning in to bc entertainment, but he’d had no intention of turning it into the company in the first place when he’d started. it’d been meant to be only for her, but as his album falls more and more into place, he realizes, in a lot of ways, it’s become a reflection of the past year of his life. it’s only natural that an album he’s played such a role in writing ends up as such, and songs inspired by youngjoo are all over the track list. when he looks back on it, she’s been a big part of his life for the last several months. some of his saddest moments had been with her, and that’s more than clear from the songs he’s written about her, but his happiest had been, too. his birthday and her birthday both stand out as times his self-hatred and internal resentment had been pushed away for long enough for him to genuinely smile in a way he remembers.

youngjoo won’t be the cure for his problems, much like he can’t be the cure for hers, but it’s times like their night together at the retreat that make ash want to try harder to solve his problems himself. this song, this piece titled ‘joo’ that he’ll undoubtedly need to rename, listening to it reminds him of the better person he can be if he lets himself. in a turn of fate, the song he’d meant to be a comfort to youngjoo also comforts him in the knowledge he’s capable of more than destruction. 

the song deserves a place on his album and he’s prepared to fight for it. so much of the album is dark, because that’s what he’s felt so much lately, but this one isn’t. the orchestral outro is added completely of his own accord, a further representation of how youngjoo makes him feel in their best moments together: light, dreamy, and nostalgic for days they’re supposed to have left behind them.

when he sends it into bc, it’s the only track in that email, and he includes a note, bolded and underlined so they can’t pretend they didn’t see it: this has to be the last track. it’s the final piece of the story.

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

Even numbers :}

THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU CRAZY KIDDO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND YOU’RE A BLESSING ON THIS WORLD!!!!!!

2: is your room messy or clean?

It’s kind of a mix?? Like I leave my clothes folded on top of the drawers rather than putting them away bc the drawers stick and it’s just easier access. The messiest thing about my room is that I’m a human magpie who likes collecting shiny/interesting things so I have a lot of stones and bits of metal or ceramic and some nuts and bolts lying around pffft. XD But mostly I keep things kinda tidy.

4: do you like your name? why?

I DO NOW!!!! :DDDDD

6: describe your personality in 3 words or less

uUUUuuHHHHHh well-meaning, stubborn, energetic! :D

8: what kind of car do you drive? color?

I currently drive my parents’ car. It’s dark grey… not gonna say what model. XD

10: how would you describe your style?

Like, clothes wise? Either very simple n plain or outrageously colourful n quirky. Depends on the day. XD

12: what size bed do you have?

Double.

14: if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

Oof honestly just back home (in Victoria.) A part of me also wants to try out a big city?? I’ve always lived in the country and tbh I kind of hate big cities because they seem to be filled with rude busy people but I wanna live there just to have something different and so I’ll know for sure and to say I did, y’know? (lmao a friend and I joke that we’re gonna move to NYC together one day, so she can keep my li’l naive country boi ass from getting chewed up and spat out by New Yorkers. I appreciate it. X’D )

16: favorite makeup brand(s)

No idea. I’ve only worn makeup twice, and those times were when my Mum begged me for a solid year until I finally caved and let her do it… grumpily. X’D

18: favorite tv show?

S E N S E 8

20: how tall are you?

5′4. :)

22: do you go to the gym? 

Nope, not enough money. I used to work out a lot at home and I got p ripped but because of my eating disorder I had to stop. Still haven’t started up again yet. :(

24: how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

21 bucks. :D

26: how many pillows do you sleep with?

2. One under my head and one to cuddle (shut up, I kNow. XD )

28: how many friends do you have?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯  too lazy to count, however many people I interact with online. I don’t have any irl friends… god that sounds pathetic. XD

30: whats your favorite candle scent?

Absolutely no idea, we never have any. That’s actually something I wanna change when I get my own place. I like candles. They calm me.

32: 3 favorite girl names

God I am so shitty with names. My characters either name themselves or they don’t get names. X’D UUUUUUUUHHHHH, Amber, Ida, Carmen??? idk???

34: favorite actress?

Emma Thompson is an actual fucking legend and I would go to battle for her.

36: favorite movie?

How to Train Your Dragon or Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse! :D (If it has to be live action: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. :P )

38: money or brains? 

Heart.

40: how many times have you been to the hospital?

For myself, personally? Lots when I was a baby bc I had chronic ear infections and would literally just scream 24/7 and never sleep, I was in so much pain (poor tiny Matt. :(((( ) Once because I had a really bad migraine around age 13 that literally would not go away and had me throwing up every other minute and in such bad pain I wanted to literally die. And once recently when I felt super sick for months and months and finally went only to find there was nothing wrong with me?? turned out it was my gluten intolerance but dear god I had never felt that sick.

42: do you take any medications daily?

Just my asthma preventer (and I forget to take that a lot and end up not being able to breathe as well as I should, bc I’m the World’s Biggest Dumbass :)) XD )

44: what is your biggest fear? 

Physically: Not being able to breathe. Emotionally: The people I love ending up hating me just because I’m me. There’s a lot of irony to unpack there but I’m just gonna set the whole suitcase on fire. :)

46: whats your go to hair style?

Shaving the whole damn thing off.

48: who is your role model? 

I don’t really have one?? I guess my parents?? But I don’t really wanna be exactly like them either? I think it’s unwise to put anyone on a pedestal bc nobody’s perfect.

50: what was the last text you sent?

Screaming to a friend about how cute her OC is. XD

52: what is your dream car?

Literally could not care less so long as it gets me where I’m going and it’s neon yellow. X’D

54: do you go to college? 

Nope, dropped out of highschool early lmao.

56: would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? 

Rural I guess?? But that’s only because I’ve always lived rural and don’t know any different. it’s quiet, I like quiet.

58: do you have freckles? 

Yep! I don’t have them in big patches tho? I just have like, some random single ones scattered all over my body?? XD

60: how many pictures do you have on your phone? 

Don’t have a phone and dear GOD I don’t even wanna know how many pictures I have on my laptop. Answer: too many. XD

62: do you still watch cartoons? 

OF COURSE!! :D

64: Favorite dipping sauce? 

idk I don’t really dip things in sauce? Maybe just tomato sauce?

66: have you ever won a spelling bee?

Yes, actually!! Woooo go bb Matt!! :D

68: can you draw? 

Stick figures? Yes. XD

70:what was the last concert you saw?

Never been to one.

72: Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

Only ever been to Starbucks so I can’t really compare. 

74: what is your crush’s first and last initial?

76: what color looks best on you? 

I think blue does. 💙

78: do you sleep with your door open or closed?

Open. Sleeping with it closed freaks me out, idk why. 😅

80: what is your biggest pet peeve? 

Being condescended to. :///

82: favorite ice cream flavor? 

Mint choc chip! Or rainbow! XD

84: chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? 

GIMME THE GAY SPRINKLES EVERY TIME.

86: what is your phone background?

Laptop background is currently THIS incredibly amazing beautiful accurate drawing Oli did of my OC Ben!!! :’D

88: do you like it when people play with your hair?

Y E S. I used to hate it when it was rlly long but now it’s heaven. ^-^ Unless I’m in one of my ‘being touched makes my skin crawl’ kind of moods.

90: do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

Just whenever I have my shower, occasionally during the day if I’m sweaty or whatever. Sometimes if my insomnia kicked me in the ass I splash my face n neck with cold water to wake up in the morning.

92: have you ever been drunk? 

Nope, and I really don’t want to be. The idea of being out of control of myself, even just a little bit, is terrifying to me. No thanks. I also just generally do not like alcohol, idk why. 

94: favorite lyrics right now

My all-time favourite lyrics come from Twenty One Pilots’ song ‘The Judge’ (even though I don’t actually like the song itself I love the lyrics):“When the leader of the bad guys sangSomething soft and soaked in painI heard the echo from his secret hideawayHe must’ve forgot to close his doorAs he cranked out those dismal chordsAnd his four walls declared him insane”

96: day or night? 

*chanting* NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT N

98: favorite month? 

Ironically, considering my character March is a giant dickwad, it’s March. XD The weather is just starting to turn cool after the grueling summer and it’s also my birth month! :D

100: who was the last person you cried in front of?

My Dad. Yikes.

AHHHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKIN, ALEX!!!

[urfavmurtad]

What are some things about Judaism and Christianity that you learned that surprised you? What about polytheistic religions like native american animism, Buddhism, Shinto and Jainism? Zoroastrians? Baha’i? Yazidi?

Anon this is… such an in-depth question! Idek where to begin here. Of all those religions, I have learned the most about Judaism since I stopped being religious. What I knew about Judaism prior to maybe 5 years ago was mostly just what Islam says about Judaism. Meaning, you know, from Adam to Moses, then it skips ahead to David/Solomon/Saul, then there are some brief mentions of Jonah and Ezekiel and that’s really it.

So I didn’t know a lot, and I wasn’t very interested in what I did know tbh. The only reason why I started reading the Bible is bc I wanted to compare it to the Quranic versions of the stories and see how much Mohammed fucked them up. And that was fun but I didn’t bother to look much further into Judaism past that. The Books of Kings and Chronicles, for example, I took one look at them, decided they were boring, and didn’t read them until only a couple of years ago. That’s when I first got into the whole Biblical history thing. I tried reading a book about how the Bible was put together and realized I didn’t know enough about the Bible itself to even begin.

I forced myself to read those four books and then some of the prophet books (side note: all of the female prophets were left out of Islam, I didn’t even know they existed. Damn it Mohammed!!!). And I’m glad I did, because it changed my whole view of the Jewish Bible. It’s a history book!! Like… that’s literally what it’s supposed to be, a (legendary) history of Israel/Judah, and every bad thing that happens to them is ascribed to YHWH getting pissed off at them, but then like my friend and her trash boyfriend he always forgives them and takes them back even tho they just go on to disappoint him again. The Bible is the world’s oldest and greatest self-drag!!!

Once I actually knew the general chronology of the Biblical kings and shit I could actually make my way through this book without getting confused (mostly). Highly recommend this one for beginners btw, there is a PDF online and it’s not overly long.

And damn… I know there’s some debate about certain elements of it like the exact nature of the “documentary hypothesis” but even just focusing on the stuff that people agree upon, I didn’t know any of it before reading this, beyond there being no evidence for the Exodus/the huge kingdom of Solomon etc. I also knew that early Judaism was a system where multiple gods existed but YHWH was just their patron god, but I didn’t fully understand the process in how he got conflated with El and became the god.

More relevant to this topic, though, I didn’t understand the history behind the Bible itself. Deuteronomy being written separately/earlier than the rest and the Bible claiming that it was “found” in the Temple after like 900 years in Josiah’s time… like I had never even heard of Josiah prior to a few years ago and here I am realizing that this bitch perpetrated fraud that would make Linda Taylor proud. Tf. AND, the whole thing with Judah being way, way less developed than Israel, and Israel was actually a multi-ethnic and prosperous society, but then after the Assyrians handed Israel its ass the Judeans were suddenly the top bitch in school and wrote the whole Bible to make their former northern neighbors out to be assholes?? Wow Team Israel tbh.

Then when you get to the time of the Babylonian Exile tho you have to feel a bit bad for the people of Jerusalem, like the Babylonians were uncommonly dickish even for their time and the ppl of the city were clearly traumatized tbh… a lot of the stories in the Bible, especially those believed to have been added only after the exile, make a hell of a lot more sense when you realize the huge changes occurring in Jewish society at the time. The transition from “there are lots of gods but YHWH is our god” to “YHWH is the god” is completely understandable when you realize that people were searching for some explanation as to why they had all been uprooted and thrown out of their homes, and the obvious explanation is that, yet again, they had pissed YHWH the fuck off by worshiping other gods.

I feel like both Christianity and Islam (but especially Islam) try to separate many of Judaism’s better-known stories from the context of ancient Israel/Judah itself, presenting them as more universal stories that apply to everyone, but tbh the whole over-arching story doesn’t work unless you look at it as a history written by and for Jews who were rebuilding their religion and society in a volatile period. I’m reading this rn and it’s relevant to that topic.

It’s truly a damn shame that pretty much like 0% of Muslims have been exposed to any of this tbh? I feel like almost all scholars of Biblical history come from non-Muslim countries. I have more feelings on this subject but let me answer the rest of your question. First of all, Christianity. I read the New Testament in full a couple of years ago as well. It was obviously way easier to read because the Gospels are all different versions of the same story and the rest is just supplementary material, basically. I think the text itself is pleasant and Jesus was a chill dude. I like him. And the whole… sequence of events made much more sense after I’d read the Book of Isaiah and realized that the authors of the Gospels were viewing Jesus in light of those prophecies. Revelation is a fascinating shrooms trip. The Acts of the Apostles were fun to read, but all the letters were just like w/e. More historically interesting (if they’re real) than interesting in terms of content. Though I do think some of the content in them is very nice, idk if people know this but Muslims think Paul was responsible for perverting the (non-existent) “real” Gospel of Jesus and paint him very poorly. But I dunno, the letters seemed fine to me.

Tbh I was surprised to see how different Islam’s version of Christianity/Christian stories is compared to the “real thing”. I don’t even mean his disastrous misconceptions of Christian theology but just like… with the stories Mohammed pulled from the Jewish Bible (and the Talmud–which I also enjoyed flipping through btw, it’s like a bunch of old guys yelling at each other in written form), he gets details wrong but the overall stories are basically the same. But with the Christian stories, barely anything in the Quran is from the Bible. I think I’ve said this before but like 90% of the stuff pulled from Christianity in Islam is about baby Jesus, not adult Jesus, and even that stuff isn’t from the Bible. It’s understandable when you realize that he was listening to these stories, not reading them, and just picked the ones he liked best… which happened to be later texts. That brings me to a subject that is near and dear to my heart:

Apocryphal texts bih. I love this shit, with full sincerity and zero irony. The weirder it gets, the better. I started out just reading the ones that made it into the Quran, like the Life of Adam and Eve, the Infancy Gospels that I’ve mentioned before, and the Testament of Solomon. Then some Gnostic stuff, which I only read because it has the same substitute-crucifixion thing going on as Islam, but WHEW chile the DRUGS these ppl were on while writing this shit…! The Sethians and the Nag Hammadi library produced such treasures of crazy-ass literature. It makes me sad how so much of this stuff is just totally forgotten now that Christianity is mostly just Catholic/Protestant+Orthodox. There were so many sects and people had so many divergent ideas, some more drug-assisted than others probably!! And Middle Eastern Christianity was very diverse even in the 7th century. Some of the stories they produced had such rich lore. My fave right now is this Syriac collection:

I came across this one while looking for the origins of the al-Khidr story in the Quran. There were all sorts of opinions about who he was, bc Mohammed never really gave any details on his life, but Ibn Ishaq recorded an opinion that al-Khidr was the one who buried Adam and Allah granted him long life in return. So I looked for the source of that story and it was the story of Melchizedek in this book. Then I read the whole thing and man this would make for some weird psychedelic series or sth. It’s online, look it over and you’ll see how trippy it is.

Um… anon this is getting rly long tbh so let me sum up my knowledge of Shinto, Native American animism, and Jainism: not much!! Buddhism I have only an intro-level knowledge of, I know the basics but I don’t know more than that. The beliefs of Yazidis I don’t fully understand, but the little I know is pretty cool. From what I understand it’s a blend of pre-Islamic Kurdish religion + early Islamic influence + some other influences thrown in. It’s sad how they’re branded as devil-worshipers or w/e when the story of Melek Taus is actually really interesting and has a good moral and is way, way better than the story of Iblis. I also enjoy Yazidi architecture and that unique ribbed cone top of theirs. I hope they’re able to live on as a community after, uh, recent events.

I actually was taught about Bahai people growing up but I was told it was some heretical offshoot of Islam comparable to Ahmadiyya people. I didn’t realize it was considered its own religion until fairly recently tbh. I did read the Kitab al-Aqdas (which is blessedly short, this makes Bahai a great religion automatically!!) once. It’s definitely super inspired by the Quran in terms of style and to me clearly seems to be an attempt to make a Kinder And Also More Iranian Islam. I think it’s pretty neat. In fact I think a lot of attempts to magically make Islam “nicer” would just end up making it more like Bahai tbh. And it has a really fascinating history, with the Bab basically being a new John the Baptist and Bahaullah being the one he foretold. He even accidentally ended up in Israel lmao. I also really love Bahai architecture in terms of how diverse it is, with the only unifying feature being visual interest, and I would love to see the temple in India irl one day. India always has the best architecture anyway.

I saved Zoroastrians for last bc I have to be honest here. I tried to look into it, because it’s ancient and had an influence on Judaism etc and that makes it important. Fam I got about 3% of the way through the Avesta before giving up. I was still in the hymns part and just like… every other word was something I didn’t understand. I will go back and try again one day but for now the answer is “lol idk”.

ANYWAY… yeah… I’ve enjoyed reading about religion way more now that I’m not religious, both in terms of Islam and other religions, I can appreciate the process or w/e now that I’m not constantly trying to make it fit into Islam or panicking every time I spot something that makes me question my faith. I know a lot of atheists either fall away from religion altogether or just look at it like it’s something dumb, but even if it’s fake, that doesn’t make it worthless imo. The history itself is always worth studying.

[mel-the-fangirl]

Back To You - Requested

Tom Holland x Reader

Words: 2,301 (I have no self control. I’m sorry.)

Requested by: anonymous

“Can you do a tom holland x reader where toms really sad and stuff bc he hasnt seen his gf in a long time but he doesn’t know she’s flying out to see him bc she missed him too?? And she brings tess and it’s just a cute ass family reunion between the three :)”

GOOD LORD, I’M SO FUCKING SCARED TO POST THIS BECAUSE I KNOW IT’S SHIT. I AM SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME I STILL HOPE YOU LIKE IT! REQUESTS ARE CLOSED FOR NOW! SORRY!

----------------------------------

One week.

Seven days.

One hundred and sixty-eight hours.

And counting.

How Tom had managed that long without you was a mystery to him. Never had he ever dreamed to be away from you this long, or at all really but it was part of the job. He had to do what he had to do. He all but begged you to come with him and Harrison to Montreal but you couldn’t just leave your job indefinitely. He fully accepted and respected your decision, but that didn’t mean he didn’t miss you like all hell.

Week one of filming for ‘Chaos Walking’ had just wrapped, and he was so fucking exhausted. This was by far the hardest film he has ever shot, next to ‘The Impossible’. Tom was tired and all he wanted wanted was to curl up on the couch with you, watching Friends reruns on the telly.

He was lying in his bed after a particularly trying day of filming, you already had your nightly FaceTime session earlier but he still couldn’t sleep. He missed having you to curl up next to,.He turned over to his side and clicked open his phone, looks like he was going to have to spend some time on Instagram until he passed out from exhaustion.

It wasn’t a good enough distraction though. You were still ever present in his thoughts. Tom typed out a single text to you,

I miss you so so much, Y/N. I love you.

A succession of beeps coming from his phone diverted his attention. Tom raised the phone to his face to see your sleepy one staring back at him. Tears immediately began to flood his vision, he mentally cursed himself for losing his composure so quickly.

“Hi, my darling girl.” he rasped out. His eyes took the sight of you in through his phone screen, he cherished every detail.

You tried to stifle a yawn as you waved at him. “Hey, Tom. Is everything okay? Your text woke me up, I just wanted to see you and check in.” you said though you could barely keep your eyes open

Tom chuckled at how you were widening your eyes in an attempt to keep them focused on him. “Y-Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. I just miss you.. Miss you a lot, Y/N.” In a matter of seconds, he broke down completely.

“God.. God, Y/N. I miss you, I miss you so much.” he cried

The sound of Tom crying completely woke you up as if someone had thrown a bucket of ice cold water all over you. Clamoring alarm bells were going off inside your head while you watched Tom’s face twist in pain, he was moving to sit up, like if he stayed down any longer he would drown in his own tears.

“Tom..” you weakly trailed off. You hoped and prayed that the right words would come to you.

“Tom, I love you. I love you so much.” was all you managed to say as you began to choke up as well

You didn’t notice Tessa climb into bed next to you. Next thing you knew, she was licking away your tears.

“Tess! Tom, look who’s come to see you.” Focusing your camera on the both of you, you watched with a heavy heart as Tom held back more tears. Tessa began to whine as well.

“Oh, my beautiful girls. I miss you both so much. I’m sorry I woke you, love. I’m just having such a rough time without you.”

“I know. I miss you too, Tom. You know you can call me any time.”

You two continued to talk into the night (morning for you), he told you all about the set and the cast while you told him about your days at work. Most of the things you told each other, you already knew. You didn't think this was your first time speaking in a week, did you? Hell no. The time you two spent apart were filled in with calls and texts, FaceTime was like a staple for your relationship.

When you opened your eyes, the first thing you saw was Tom’s sleeping face, or at least the upper half of it. You two must’ve fallen asleep at some point, which was good, Tom was always telling you how tired he was. A groan left your lips as you stretched, it was almost time for you to get ready for work.

“I’ve got to go now, Tom.” you whispered, watching him stir as he slept. “I’ll text as I always do. I love you.”

“Mmm. I love you so much, Y/N.” he mumbled sleepily in reply

His groggy deep voice made you swoon all the way from across the pond. Very very reluctantly, you ended FaceTime and got up to start your day.

--------------

It was the middle of Tom’s second week in Montreal, he felt as if he’s already been there for months. Each and everyday he’d return to their temporary home, body aching, his reprieves being your texts and calls, FaceTime, Harrison making him food, and sleep. That being said, when you missed your regular FaceTime session before Tom went to bed, it worried him. He rang you close to about thirty times with no answer.

He tried to be understanding about it. Tom knew that sooner or later your current situation would begin to take its toll on the both of you so instead of trying you again, he just sent you a text saying that you must’ve fallen asleep but it was alright, he was just going to bed, and he loved you.

Though he said he was going to bed, the lack of seeing your face and hearing your voice made it close to impossible for him to get settled. He tossed and turned the entire night, well into the wee hours of the morning.

“Oh, fuck this.” he grumbled, flinging the blankets off his tired body. It was pointless, Harrison was set to wake him up in a few minutes anyway. Fuck sleep.

He blindly made his way through his dark room, stubbing his toe on the doorframe in the process. Tom let out a hearty string of curses that would make a sailor blush, and exited his room. Harrison wasn’t up yet so he just sat on the couch, checking his phone to see if you had finally replied.

You hadn’t.

Was he seeing things? Maybe it was just the lack of sleep that was making his eyes play tricks on him. He brought both hands up to his eyes palmed them gently, God he was so fucking tired. Although it soothed him a great deal, it still didn’t change the fact that you hadn’t replied to him, or texted or called. At all.

“You’re up early.”

The sound of Harrison’s voice did nothing to distract Tom from his worried thoughts about you, he bit on his thumbnail as he stared ahead.

“Tom?” Harrison walked over to his best friend and put a hand on his shoulder. The sudden contact shocked Tom, he looked at Harrison, confused.

“Oh, hey. I didn’t see you come in.” he said distractedly, shifting in his seat. Tom continued to bite on his nail, staring ahead.

“What’s the matter?” Harrison asked, heading back to kitchen area to cook breakfast

“Y/N hasn’t been answering my texts. She missed FaceTime last night.” he stated, rubbing his tired eyes

Harrison frowned, he thought it was rather odd, that wasn’t something you usually did. He kept that thought to himself though, he knew he shouldn’t stress Tom out before an even more stressful day.

“Well, I’m sure she has a good reason. When has Y/N ever let you down?”

“Right. You’re right.” Tom nodded firmly, trying to grasp at any reassurance he could get

You were fine, you were safe, and you surely had a good reason for not responding to his attempts to contact you.

“Yeah. Yeah, everything’s fine.” he kept nodding to himself. It was unsettling.

“Yes, I’m sure they are. Now would you stop nodding? You’re freaking me out a bit here.” Harrison teased, hoping Tom’s mood would improve

After breakfast and a shower, they both went out to set. Through the course of his day, in between takes, Tom couldn’t stop himself from obsessively checking his phone to see if you resurfaced from whatever hole it is you’ve crawled into. He became more and more agitated every time he saw your conversation the same as it was.

But being a consummate professional, Tom never let his agitation show up while he was doing a scene. That was a good thing for him professionally, but emotionally? Tom was just about ready to explode. It was a good thing they wrapped early that day.

“I’m going to the fucking airport.” he said, slamming the car door and driving off like a madman

“WHAT?!” Harrison exclaimed from next to him, holding onto the handles for dear life

“I’m going to pack, then the fucking airport, then I’m going the fuck home to Y/N. Something is wrong, I fucking know it.” Tom fumed, his vision had been painted a venomous red

The duo somehow managed to get back home in one piece, Tom immediately got out of the car and slammed the door shut behind him. He didn’t even bother to wait for Harrison as he trudged up to their front door.

He all but hurled it open and went inside. Nothing but silence greeted him, it wasn’t like he was expecting something else though. But maybe he should have.

He took a step forward and felt something underneath his shoe, he looked down to see one of his trainers. How in the hell did that get there? Tom tried to think of every plausible explanation. His eyes widened in realisation. Tom ran outside, smacking into Harrison in the process.

“Jesus Christ!” Harrison exclaimed as he fell to the ground, Tom on top of him

Tom pushed off of his best friend and grabbed hold of his shoulders. “Harrison. Harrison, there is an animal in the fucking house.” he hissed

“No.. No, you’re shitting me.” Harrison shook his head, dread beginning to invade his senses. His sky blue eyes darted from Tom’s frazzled face to the open door.

“I am not. I found one of my trainers by the door, I didn’t leave it there, I swear to you.”

Tom dropped his hands from Harrison’s shoulders and ran them through his cropped hair. “We’ve got to go inside and check it out.”

“Those are the exact words of everyone who’s ever died in a horror film, Tom.”

“Well this isn’t a film, buddy. It’s real life.” Tom grabbed a nearby stick off of the ground and flipped it around. Taking a deep breath, he stalked confidently to the house

“Yeah, and a fucking stick is going to fend of a bear.” Harrison muttered under his breath, staying close behind Tom

The wannabe Hardy Boys made their way through the quiet house, they checked the kitchen, the living room, and their backyard. Nothing was there. They thought they were in the clear, until they heard something scratching on the other side of Tom’s bedroom door.

“Alright, it’s been a nice run, mate. We’ve had fun and everything, done amazing things, seen amazing places.” Harrison told him as the scratching began to intensify, the door started to rattle against its hinges

By its own volition, the door swung open and Tom closed his eyes and braced himself for impact. The intruder lunged at him, tackled him to the ground and.. Licked his face?

Harrison let out a surprised laugh. Tom took it as his cue to open his eyes. Standing on his chest, was Tessa.

“Oh my God! Tess?!” Tom exclaimed once he realised who it was. He scooped her up in his arms and gave her a big hug

“God damn I wish I'd caught that on camera.” Harrison remarked

Tom sat up, Tessa still in his arms, he felt warm hands cover his eyes a second later. The way his heart beat faster gave it away.

“Surprise!” you yelled right next to his ear

He winced at the volume but at the same time, he felt so relieved to hear the sound of your voice. Tom let Tessa go and engulfed you in his arms. The familiar scent of your perfume invaded his senses, he breathed you in until he swore the room was spinning.

Tom pulled away to press his lips against yours, his eyes were shut tightly. Afraid that if he opened them once again, you would be gone.

“I'm not going anywhere, Tom.” you whispered, like you'd read his mind. You wrapped your arms around his neck and hugged him again.

“I can't believe you called me thirty-six times. I didn't know you were a stage five clinger.” you said into the crook of his neck

Your boyfriend smiled, you couldn’t see the playful glint in his eye.

“Oh, I’ll show you a stage five clinger, darling.”

He flipped you over to the floor and latched onto you like a koala. Tom squeezed you until you could feel the air slowly leaving your lungs. You tried to laugh but Tom’s weight on you made it difficult, you hit him repeatedly. “TOM!! GET!! OFF!!”

“Tess! Get in here!” he called to Tessa, who was watching you, head tilted. But at Tom’s command, she came bounding over to you, yipping excitedly

Harrison stood by the doorway, snapping a picture of the two of you on the floor, Tom wrapped around you as you lay trapped under him, and Tessa with her tail wagging in the air. He posted it on his Instagram with the caption, “Family Reunion”

[doyueng]

Passionfruit

Word Count: ~1580

Pairing: Baekhyun/Reader

Notes: college au, angst

all this hope and disregard, drifting off, i know you think there is no fault, and we fall apart - ‘drifting’

It’s about a month into the second semester of college, and you’re still getting used to your new life. You weave through the sea of people, heading back to your dorm after grabbing a late lunch.

▻[5:04pm] omg sorry y/n! i had an early lab then i headed straight to work… 😣 ◅[5:05pm] it’s fine, don’t worry about it! are you home tonight? ▻[5:10pm] yeah, i’ll call you after class ^^

You turn the corner onto the busy campus. The college of your dreams– Columbia University. The nursing program here is second to none. Let’s just say that the day you received the acceptance letter was filled with happy tears and too many shots. Soon after that, Baekhyun received his.

“No way! No fucking way Baekhyun. Don’t lie to me, oh my god. I’m freaking out.” You’re practically about to shake his arm off his body. Baekhyun is trying to conceal a huge smile with a smug look. “Byun Baekhyun!” You give him a death glare; there’s only so many palpitations you could withstand.

He whips out a piece of paper from behind him, and presents it right in your face. You tear the paper out of his hands in a heartbeat, scanning the letter like a madman.

Dear Baekhyun,

Congratulations! It is with great pleasure that I offer you admission to the Stanford University Class of 2020.

Your mouth gapes open, rereading the same sentences over and over. You blink once. Twice. A third time. It’s not an illusion. You drop the paper and pull Baekhyun into a big hug.

“You did it! You really did it! That’s incredible!” You squeeze him tight, your face scrunched up into a smile.

“I can’t believe it either…” he marvels, voice shaking slightly. He pulls back and cups your face in his soft hands. “We did it, Y/N. We actually made it…” He brushes your bangs aside, and His lips press against yours, and you slowly close your eyes to take everything in.

The four stressed-filled years of high school all came to an end here. The thousand pages of notes, the generic-themed powerpoints, the standardized tests, and the countless all nighters that you’ve suffered together with Baekhyun have all paid off in this moment.

He was your cheerleader, your pillar, and your best friend. The same goes for him as well. Not to exaggerate, your relationship is the reason why all of this is possible. You pushed and helped each other to strive for the best. The existence of the other soon became essential to the two of you.

But… Columbia, and Stanford. New York and California. Pretty much a whole continent in between. You don’t think you’ve even been a mile apart from Baekhyun since the two of you started dating in the first year of high school. 

You lived really close to him; he was always either at your house or you were at his. But you both preferred his; the bed is a lot softer. 

They all say college brings big changes, and they’re right. Being separated from Baekhyun was the hardest thing for you. It wasn’t about struggling with the workload and stress from college– that, you were prepared for. It’s something that’s been constant your whole life, and will continue to be for a long time.

You slam your biology textbook shut, and throw it at the end of your bed along with your overflowing binder. Sighing in relief, you roll over, elbows pressing into the mattress. You stare at the lock screen on your phone. Only the time, date, and selfie of you and Baekhyun cheesing happily look back at you. 

◅[10:35pm] hey, are you still in class?

No reply. 

You lay on your back, and let out yet another sigh. Is it sadder that it’s this late and he’s still ‘in class’ or that you’re not even disappointed anymore? You run your palm up your forehead, and the cold metal on your finger makes you shudder a bit. You lift your hand towards the ceiling and admire the gleaming gemstone on your ring finger.

“When I come back, I’ll replace it with a real one.”

His words still echo loud and clear in your mind. The soft feel of his hands as he slid the ring on you, his sweet voice that you listened to all day, and his passionate eyes that never left yours. 

You both knew what you were getting into, everything that came with long distance relationships… But there was nothing that could tear you two apart, and you believed that only the distance will change. 

…And now, it’s about ten texts a day and two video-calls a week. You know how busy he is, keeping up with his intense studies and work schedule as well. You and Baekhyun have fought a couple times, but it never lasted long. Distance really does make a difference. One call, and even just one text makes everything better.

Your ringtone snaps you out of your daze. A facetime from Baekhyun.

You spring up from the bed, and fix your hair before picking up the phone. 

“Hello?” Baekhyun greets with a smile. He’s walking somewhere right now, and the camera shakes with every step. 

“Hey,” you smile back. You gaze at him through the screen, and have a sudden urge to go hug him right now. Things have been hectic these days, and usually, Baekhyun would always been there for you to lean on. But you set those feelings aside as always. “Where are you going?”

“Back to my dorm. I had to stay late at the library for a project, sorry for the late call,” he pouts. 

“It’s okay, and ah, did you cut your hair?” you notice.

“Oh yeah, a few days ago. It was getting long,” he replies, moving the camera upward and ruffling his hair. “You like it?”

“You could go bald and I still would,” you chuckle. 

He winces at the mental image. “I rather not think about that…” 

You laugh at his reaction. “Oh by the way, when does your summer start?”

“Hm… I think May 8th?”

“Me too!” you beam. “Are you… going to be back?” Your stomach starts to flutter. You want nothing more than to be able to see him again. To feel his delicate touch and to run your hands through his silky hair. Hell, just breathing the same air would be fine. You miss him so much, more than you could ever express.

“Ah…” His voice is uneasy. “Actually, I have an internship this whole summer…”

Your heart drops. “O-oh.” You force a smile. “That’s great, an internship already!” You trail off. “So… when can we see each other?”

Baekhyun is silent for a while; you only hear his footsteps and the wind blowing into the mic. “I… don’t know,” he mumbles.

Seven days. An entire week without a word from Baekhyun. Did his phone break? But then he can always message you on his computer. Maybe his computer broke, too? That’s pretty unlikely. The past few days, you’ve been making up every excuse in the book for him. 

You never call him first. You knew not to. He’s either at class, work, library, or tutoring. So it’s just texts and waiting for him to respond. 

This isn’t even the first time. You’ve always let it go.

“It’ll get better.” “This is only temporary.” “He loves you.”

Love. Is this love? Is it even possible to build anything from a distance? The passion that was once shared, had been rotting away slowly.

Maybe this is only how far it was meant to go. 

You gather the courage to pick up the phone and call him. 

“Y-Y/N?” His groggy voice answers after three rings. 

“Hey Baek.”

He seems to get a grasp of the situation, as he sounds more awake. “I-I’m sorry I haven’t called you recently, I just had a lot of-”

“It’s fine,” you cut him off. “Listen… Baekhyun.” You bite your lip before you speak. “I don’t think this is going to work out.”

“W-what?” he croaks. “No, look, I’m really sorry babe. Please,” he begs. You swallow at the desperateness in his voice. Your eyes are already lined with tears, but you know that continuing this would make it worse. 

“You and I both know where we’re at right now. We don’t need to stay together because we feel obligated.” Your lips tremble. “We’ve come a long way.”

You only hear Baekhyun’s slow breathing through the phone. 

“I’m sure you’ve thought about it as well…”

“Y/N… we can work this out…” 

“Baek… let’s not try to fix it anymore, okay?” Your tears finally overflow, and trickle down your cheeks unyieldingly. “Please.” 

 A long silence follows. You quietly wipe your tears away, careful not to sob near the phone. 

“Is this really what you want?” His voice shakes, and you hear a faint sniffle. 

“Yes…” you reply through your tightened lips. “Our love can only take us so far. Baek, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault. And I understand,” he whimpers. “Can I just tell you one thing? I love you Y/N. I really do.”

“Me too. I love you too…” Your bring your hands up to your tear-stained face and breathe in deeply. “Goodbye Baekhyun… thank you.” 

You slide the ring off your finger, and diamond seems to shine even brighter through the tears in your eyes. 

“Liar.”

a/n: pls forgive me if there’s mistakes/it’s crappish bc i wrote this at 6am ahh yeah it’s been a while >< oh ya this was inspired by drakes’ passionfruit; hence the title 🤗 if you made it here, thank you thank you💖💖 

[masterlist]

[flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash]

113 and 149!

113. What was your childhood nickname?

My high school nickname was actually Toni, and only my old high school friends still call me that, the couple times a year that I get to see them. It was actually a bit of a process, to arrive at that nickname. My name is Ashton, and at first, way back when, I was called Ashtonio by my friends for a while. Then that shortened to Tonio, and then finally to Toni, and Toni stuck. 

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Oh lort, do I ever. Idk if I’d call them ghosts, more spirits. I actually told the long, creepy ass experience I had at my old Philly apartment involving a spirit(s) back around Halloween, but will gladly tell it again. Settle in for a long ass story, if you care enough to read it :P *putting a keep reading bar bc this is a long one*

So I lived in a really old, big apartment with 2 roommates for 2 years (I moved out about a year and a half ago) and we all 3 are CONVINCED we had at least one ghost in our apartment. Like…so much weird shit happened. The first week we moved in, our gas stove turned on 3 mornings in a row…by itself. Like, we all woke up to the smell of gas in the apartment, and went out to find the one knob had been pushed in and turned over. And we would randomly lose stuff, and then it would pop up in the most random places (a candle, a dish towel, random papers). 

My one roommate is a huge believer in spirits, I’m in the middle (I believe in them, but am not super connected to them like she is) and my other roommate was a huge skeptic. Well, by the end of the 2 years we all firmly believed in this ghost(s). We had all wooden floors in the apartment, and my believer roommate was the first one to tell us that when she was home alone, she would hear footsteps going up and down the long hallway we had that connected the bedrooms to the living room. And we were on the top floor, so it wasn’t anyone walking above us. And we didn’t share any walls with any neighbors, since the only other apartment on our floor was separated from our apartment by the staircase. She also said she heard my bedroom door shut the one day, but I, nor anyone else except her, was home. She also had a pitbull, who would randomly stare at the corner of the hallway and bark, as well as one time she stared at the top ceiling corner in my bedroom, which was the bedroom closest to the hallway, and barked (and this dog NEVER barked at anything; like, a burgler could’ve came in and she would’ve just sat there silently and watched). I was semi skeptical, but also believed her, so was cautious when I was home alone. 

After the first couple months, I started hearing shit too. I would be home alone, with the dog and cat sleeping beside me on the couch, and would distinctly hear footsteps going down the hall. Once I even swore I heard the front door open, so I yelled to see which roommate had returned. When no one answered, I got up to look, and there was no one there. And the dog had also heard it and ran to look, thinking someone was home. When I texted both my roommates, neither one was anywhere near the apartment. It freaked me the hell out, because the footsteps especially happened fairly often when I was home alone, to the point where I almost became used to them, in a weird way. I think having the pets there really helped me from peeing my pants on the regular. 

WELL, the scariest moment, for me, was during our first Christmas break in the apartment. We were all three grad students at the time, so were able to go home over break. I had come back first, 2 days after Christmas, and it was just me and my one cat at that point who were in the apartment. My believer roommate was coming back the next day, and the skeptic roommate wasn’t coming back for another week. It was late at night, and I was in my bedroom, in bed, derping around on my laptop, with my cat at the foot of the bed. And all of a sudden, I heard someone walking around in the living room, which was on the other side of the wall from my bedroom. Like, it legit sounded like a man pacing back and forth across the living room, shuffling papers (I’m getting chills just typing this). I froze, and looked at my cat, who had woken from a dead sleep, jumped off the bed, went to my doorway, and he was staring down the hallway at the living room all freaked out and puffed up. So I KNEW that he had heard it too. I legit was convinced that someone had broken into the apartment, and I grabbed my field hockey stick and phone, ready to dial 911. 

I crept down the hall, but the noise had stopped. And when I finally was brave enough to jump around the corner into the living room…there was no one there. Both our front and back doors were still bolted, and we lived on the 4th floor, so no one had crawled in a window. I then stood in the middle of the living room and looked down at my cat like, “WTF just happened?” And at that moment, every single hair on my body stood up, and I just had this overwhelming sensation that I wasn’t alone in the room, and that someone/something was standing in the room, watching me. It sent so much fear through me that I literally sprinted down the hall to my bedroom, and my cat ran down the hall after me, as well. We went into the bedroom, I closed and bolted my door, turned off the lights, and crawled under the covers. 

I then texted my believer roommate, and at that point I was legit crying, I was so scared, and told her what had happened. She had always told me that when I felt like there were spirits nearby, to say out loud, “There’s a white light surrounding me” and envision it, so that the spirits would stay away (her grandmother was like a shaman of sorts and all into spirit stuff, and had taught her that). So I laid there and repeated it over and over until I finally fell asleep. But dear god, that was the scariest thing ever. 

My skeptic roommate thought both of us were crazy, and she firmly didn’t believe in the ghost…for about 8 months. She was always the one to say out loud, “I don’t believe in you” and she kinda taunted it/them, because she thought it/they were fake. Well…she got quite the experience. There was a day where I woke up late, around like 10am, and when I came out of my bedroom, she accosted me and asked if I had been awake around 7am and if I had gone into her bedroom. I was like wtf no, I was asleep. And our other roommate had been at her boyfriend’s for the night, so she wasn’t home. My roommate was so scared, she wouldn’t even tell me what had happened for almost an entire 24 hours. Finally, she admitted that she had gotten up really early to write a research paper for class. She said that around 7am she pushed her chair back from her desk (it was a wooden chair with no wheels) and went to the bathroom. She said when she came back, that the chair was turned exactly 180 degrees, facing away from the desk. She then ALSO told me that she had woken up in the middle of the night around like 2 or 3am, and wasn’t sure what had woken her, because usually she sleeps like the dead. She was laying there and said she distinctly heard a child’s laugh come from the middle of her bedroom. That, coupled with the chair turn the next morning, freaked her out so much, and since that day, she was switched into a believer about there being at least one ghost in the apartment. 

However, all my experiences were with a spirit that seemed to be an adult male, not a child. I even had a friend who’s really in touch with spirits spend the night at our apartment, and she said she woke up in the middle of the night and swore she saw the shadow outline of a man standing in the living room doorway (that connected to the hallway) looking at her. And my roommate’s one friend, who also is into spirits, said that she kept seeing movement out of the corner of her eye in our apartment, and said it looked like a man. And both these people we NEVER told about us thinking we had a ghost, because we didn’t want to look crazy. And yet they both said they saw a man, and it was always around the living room/hallway area. I don’t know if it was a man spirit and also a child spirit (maybe the kid was the one stealing stuff and who turned on the stove when we moved in). 

But also….something else weird, that I didn’t think about until after we had moved out….when we first had moved into this apartment, we cleaned the whole place, top to bottom. I was in charge of cleaning out the 2 huge hallway closets we had. The top shelf was super high, and I had to get a step ladder to reach it. Since I’m a bit OCD, I felt like I needed to clean even that top shelf, so I remember climbing up there and finding random trash and shit…and I also found an old black and white military picture of a young man…I remember showing it to my roommates and thinking that was a weird thing for someone to leave behind, and neither I nor my ex-roommates can remember what we did with that picture, even to this day. It might sound crazy, but part of me swears it’s the man whose spirit stuck around our apartment. But I could be wrong. It’s just weird to me that most of the experiences seemed to happen in the hallway that connected the living room to my bedroom, and that’s where the closet with the picture was.

Sorry long ass answer :P

Put a Number in my Ask

[jess-oh]

Reflection

HELLO JOURNAL!

im doing better! I made a few mistakes today but it’s okay bc i own up to it! i chose to stay up late last night with jason and help him with his homework and honestly, i think my crush is going away, haha. mostly bc i was trying to give him advice last night and he just kept brushing it off and avoiding the problem. i also found out hes really bitter. i think it’s partly a result of angela’s attitude and her influence bc hes normally so selfless and grateful. thats part of the reason why i took a liking to him in the first place. but now hes just so bitter and i didnt really know what to say. i guess my words came off like a lecture. but i was just frustrated bc he seemed so unhappy with his situation but wasnt willing to do anything about it or own up to the problems at hand. and this is definitely me being swayed by my emotions and i want to process this and approach this in a more loving, compassionate, and understanding way. i know it sucks when the community feels cliquey and toxic and i really dont know what to say to him. i would be lying if i said i didnt want to leave bc of that last semester. but God showed me clear signs to stay and invest so i will. and it’s been tough but I trust that I am doing good work here. Earl keeps offering his church to me but I’m sticking with Lakeview. At least for now. I know that I am called to be here and maybe that will change in the future but for now, this is where God wants me to be and I intend to carry out His will. But I don’t think Jason had that calling. He just came and stayed bc it’s where he was introduced and by default, convenient. I don’t want him to leave bc I think he has a lot to give, especially regarding his unique experiences in a “worldly lifestyle” that many of us lack an understanding/exposure of. But I trust in you God. I think the best thing to do is to just genuinely pray for him.

Dear God,

I do really care about Jason as a friend and it’s been pretty rocky for him. But I remember how excited he was to share his life with me when we met up for bibimbap last time and it was so encouraging. He’s so selfless and cares so genuinely for others and I know that you are going to use those gifts in really powerful ways for your Kingdom. And I am so excited for him! But right now, he isn’t doing too well and you know his heart better than anyone. I think he is secretly longing for you but keeps falling victim to the temptations of the world and is just too afraid to face the reality of the situation. But I pray that you will warm his heart and let him know that you are here. Not even just near. You are here. Within his heart. And you’re never letting go. I don’t want Jason to think or assume we’re going to judge him for his negative habits. I like to think that I’m pretty understanding of that kinda stuff but the truth is, I’ve never done it either and I’m still a prude at the end of the day. But I don’t have any room to judge and I just really pray that he doesn’t feel so ashamed of his own habits and mistakes and even if he doesn’t feel comfortable coming forward and telling us, I pray above all else that he feels and knows that he can always come to you. You love to unconditionally and recklessly, Lord. And I pray that he would know that too.

I pray all this in your name,

Amen.

I only walked 7k steps yesterday and I was pretty disappointed :( I woke up just as the train was leaving the 47 red line station and decided to take the 55 bus from the next stop, Garfield instead. And the bus came quickly which was nice. A man and his daughter sat across from me and we generally minded our own business. And I don’t know if I was afraid of being judged or rejected or if I was just too tired and half awake, but once they got off, I saw a bag of food left behind and wanted to ask if it belonged to them. But I was too slow. So I got off at the next stop instead and started running back. I do wish I ran faster or just continued to run so that I could’ve caught them but I didn’t. I was admittedly a little nervous venturing into the area but I just kept praying in my mind for God to protect me and lo and behold, He came through! I didn’t end up finding them but left the bag at a soup kitchen and posted a status on Facebook trying to spread word instead. I don’t know why I did it. Was it to prove that I’m a good person to myself or Jason? Was it to make me feel good? i don’t know. But what matters is that I did it. I got off that bus when I could have just as easily stayed and let someone else deal with it and just gone home. I knew that I really wanted to do my laundry tonight too and walking home just delayed the whole process. But I did it anyway and got my steps in as I walked home. I could’ve taken the bus but I really wanted to push myself. The only thing is, it was super humid. But I did my best not to complain and just keep on forging on ahead. And I did it! I got way more extra steps in and I was pretty proud of myself. I’m finally catching up to my other friends on the map! >:D Hehehehe. 

Oh, also, on my way home, Edgar sent me a funny gif of a giraffe and hoped that my day would get better. I’m still not really sure what prompted that message but it was nice. I thought about my few mishaps and it helped me realize that I have grown. I would’ve definitely complained about my misfortunate immediately and documented it via snapchat in the past but i didn this time. i just owned up to it and moved on. i was lowkey freaking out that i hadnt actually grown at all while thinking on the bus ride home and pulled out my phone to distract me instead. but that message from Ed was a nice reminder and sign from God that I have changed and grown and become a better person.

I saw James Kang’s insta today and his post about how this past year has really sucked but how he continues to have faith in the Lord and I’m genuinely happy he’s doing well. And I only want to take the time to apologize to him for my behavior during high school. I was so judgmental, and quick to make assumptions at that. And I ruled with an iron fist. I didn’t know what he was going through or what his life had entailed. I just assumed it was sheltered and well off like everyone else but that doesnt seem to be the case, esp according to what he wrote about. And I do want to be there for him. Really. I’m very sorry James. And I can’t promise that I won’t judge or act out again because I’m still growing and am not yet in a place so stable where that is a firm possibility. But I want to continue to try and get there. Please support me along the way.

Jason messaged me while I was typing this earlier and I was surprised to see him make the first message instead of me always trying to get a response out of him. And I was glad but the butterflies I previously would’ve felt were significantly quieter. I think I’m basically over it at this point. But I do still want to be there for him as a friend. And I’m not so worried that I’m going to accidentally replace Angela either. I think I was before bc I liked him in a romantic way and did want something more but not anymore. Now I just want to be a good friend for him.

And finally, I finally asked for Andrew’s advice regarding how to approach taking care of my friends from HS since theyre all pretty depressed Especially Jude and Keylee and I don’t know what to do to help. And he basically just said to be there for them and continue to offer help, support, and encouragement. Even if it feels like it isn’t working, I never really know what’s going on in their heads and it could be making a difference. Lowkey, I was pretty afraid that Jude was going to kill herself and could not even begin coming to terms with that horrendous future. But I want to be there for her bc she means a lot to me and deserves the best. She’s led a pretty shitty life thus far just as a result of her mom and family life and it really breaks my hear whenever I see her view herself so poorly. But I hope that at the very least, I can continue to be there for her.

Thank you God.

I pray this all in your name, Amen.

P.S. I finished choreographing “My God is Powerful”! Or mostly at least. I want to film and watch how the moves flow with the song and then send that to Jenny. I was going to do that tonight but it’s already 12:14am now and I texted Michaela to see if she was a mistake so as to not disurb her and she never responded so she probably is. Hopefully I can wake up early tomorrow morning, do the dishes, and film the video. It’s unlikely but it’s what I’m hoping for.

[ughdestiel]

i’ve been feeling kind of trapped and clueless lately, and i think it would really make me feel better if i just kind of put this out there in the open and get it off my chest and let those who care or are curious enough to read it so... here goes

it’s nothing crazy serious obviously. but i’ve just felt kind of out of place lately. with college and being on my own, basically, and all, it’s really different. and i do love college, i love everything im learning and becoming and discovering what i really want to do in life, but in the midst of all that. I feel so alone sometimes.

like all my close friends from high school go to different colleges, but like... 

ok so in my group of friends theres basically six of us, including myself. one of them didnt go to high school with us. but with the other four (one being my bf), one of them goes to school w our former friend, one just simply goes to school then goes home but talks with the guys (the six are all guys), then the last two is my bf and friend who go to school together. and my bf and friend is part of this club at school and they have TONS of friends like TONS and theyre always doing stuff with them like play basketball or going out to eat or something and of course im so happy that my bf got cool friends and he’s happy there and all but i cant help but get so so so. s.o jealous....

i have only one solid friend from my school. but we dont really do anything together. we used to early in the semester, but then she got a part time job and likes going to the city a lot so the only times i hang out / talk to her is either before during or after class. then she takes the bus or gets picked up by her parents. and i totally understand its not her fault and all but it just gets so beyond lonely having to go to the gym alone, to the library, to get food. and i also totally get how sometimes i have to be independent and do stuff alone and all this and that and i do love it. i do prefer doing things by myself most times but it truly, truly does get lonely. 

then when i go home, i just basically do homework and facetime my bf which is great because i only see him once a week now. but while he’s talking to our friends and im not, i get bored a lot. and of course he doesnt just talk to them the whole time, we talk as well, but yea. its so hard to explain i dont even know. my girl friends who i have known since grammar school and used to talk to on the daily dont talk to me anymore. one of them literally just cut me off but then i picked it back up but ever since then it hasnt been the same. the other one is my absolute bff, but she goes to a different school as well and shes always busy with something and she lives somewhat of a drive, so we dont really talk much either bc college and life has gotten us. but i miss them. so much. its really hard for me to make an actual friendship with another girl, because i dont know. guys too. so basically i cant make friends in general. but i miss them with all my dear heart and soul but even when i try to text them they reply either hours late or hardly reply, and its annoying and hurts so i just stopped trying

then i have another close guy friend outside of my og group. ive known him since grammar school as well even though we didnt go to the same one. anyways i would talk to him every other day and it was really nice and he was and is just such a great friend but since college we dont talk at all anymore because he has a crazy schedule and all and he travels miles to go see his gf (who i LOVE) and theyre so great im so so happy for him and everything. but yea i just miss talking to him every now and then but i understand and respect his priorities and im just really happy hes happy

so basically point of those two paragraphs is.... i get lonely. i want friends. i dont need them of course. but i do want friends. my only friend from school doesnt always want to do the stuff i want to do. it took me to convince her to play pool with me in the game room. and then to go to the gym together took less time. but she has never eased up to the offer of playing basketball, which i would love love love to do and it would bring me so so so much joy to just ball up every day or every other day after class, but i cant go alone. i wouldnt feel comfortable, because its all older dudes that go there and i would feel so attacked. i feel attacked just when im walking on campus and pass by (some) guys. i love when my bf brings me to school with him because all we do is play basketball and eat and that is all i want to do, and i wish i had someone to do that with at school.

furthermore... since college.. or well... since prom weekend of senior year.. ive been so exposed to parties and alcohol and drugs. not always physically, but mentally. the very thought of parties or consuming alcohol or using drugs has tried to pop up in my life so many times this school year. and i was never a “party” party person. never. and of course im not saying im better than those who party or drink or smoke, im just saying i wasnt made for it. ive always preferred being at a house or a chill place where my friends and i can have simple fun like board games or video games or basketball or football or just talking. i take so much passion in simple things. thats why i love my group of friends from hs. they have so much pure fun and it warms my heart and soul and makes me love them from now til eternity. 

anyways, i feel so uncomfortable about alcohol and drugs. when i was younger all of my uncles would get stupid drunk and get all crazy and it used to scare me. it honestly tramautized me. one of my uncles would get drunk so much and so bad; my family used to have a lot of family parties and of course, ppl drank. my uncle would get really drunk and just sit in the hallway downstairs, and i would obviously have to use the bathroom or get food or talk to my mom or something and would have to pass by him, and he would stop me and sit me down. I’ll never forget how he wreaked of alcohol and it made my stomach turn. and he’d put his hand over my shoulder and say something like “aj you know you are so pretty” and it would make me so uncomfortable. he never did anything awfully awful to me thank god but the amount of unease he made me feel made me terrified and angry at what alcohol does to a person. then my uncle would lecture me for thirty minutes, sometimes an hour at most. and i would be trapped because he literally wouldnt let me leave. he would be telling me about how schools important, how i have to finish school before getting a boyfriend. i couldnt get a boyfriend before finishing school, because that was bad, a sin. he throw in “youre pretty” in there so much. and it was just awful. i was tramautized. i hated it. i remember my older girl cousin who went through the same thing told me to get out of it is to say i have my period and i’ll be free- it worked. then there’s a long laundry list of how many people in my family have problems with alcohol. and i hate it. i hate what it is capable of doing to people. if you have it in moderation, thats great, but if youre excessive... please just don’t.

drugs was never a friend to me either. specifically smoking. i dont know why, i just dont like it. i wasnt exposed to it as much as alcohol which is maybe why the very idea of people wanting to smoke seems so odd to me. idk. i guess its more like i have no desire whatsoever to try and do it or make it a thing for myself and then when i see others or loved ones doing it i feel confused and i begin to question them whereas im really questioning myself. i guess the only time i’d smoke or drink is with my truly beloved ones. other than that, never. never would it ever cross my mind.  i remember when i was in a bad place end of freshman and beginning of sophomore year i wanted to drink i wanted to smoke. i wanted to forget about what was making me mentally feel pain. i remember going to seaside heights during that time and running into one of my better girl friends whom i previously mentioned and we bought hookah pens, and we smoked the shit out of that. i thought it was awesome. i thought it was the shit - it really wasnt. afterwards i was just like....ok..... wtf am i doing. i had no idea why i was doing that. i felt so weird. i didnt know my stance on anything. i was so confused. i remember trying to smoke weed with one of my then friends. he was so hyped about it, i was whatever about it. i just wanted to forget forget forget. idk what happened, but i didnt go. i didnt do it. and to this day, i really do think that was God’s work. He knew that that wasn’t what i really wanted or needed, even in my most darkest time, and God helped me resist. it blows my mind. then freshman sophomore and beginning of junior year i used to hang out with my grammar school friends A LOT. like a lot. and i vividly remember how many times i stayed upstairs in the living room watching tv with my other friend or two while everyone else was downstairs smoking. i remember feeling so out of place.. questioning why i was even there... then i realized it all came back to i just wanted friends thats all. thats all it was. they tried convincing me so many times to smoke or drink with them and it just never appealed to me. and this happened so many times because i kept going back to them and back to them and eventually i just felt like i was weird. i felt like i was the one who had the problem.

and i still feel like that. i feel like im the one who has the issue, the weird habit. i have no desire whatsoever to try alcohol or smoke or any drug or just do anything that could potentially kill my inside organs. people become so amazed when i tell them i never smoked nor have i ever drank. and when they react like that, it makes me feel like im so weird. im so out of place. like im an alien. then i feel awful about myself and ask why im not like them and not into those normal “teenager” things. when people talk about college and crazy parties and blacking out and passing out, it makes me feel like im somehow obligated to live up to those standards and i feel so restricted and a little guilty or sad i guess. because i dont do any of that. i do my homework, watch youtube videos, netflix, laugh at them, cry about them, hang out with my boyfriend and friends, and we play board games and laugh and not really cry but yeah and i do everything so simple but it means the entire world to me and makes me who i am and it makes me feel so weird and out of place when put against the standards of teenage years or young adult years and i dont know what to do with myself or how to come about it. my bf drinks only with family and sometimes friends but not much he knows his limits and i love how i can trust him and everything but gosh i get so worried.. like everything i ever learned about drugs and alcohol and then everything ive experienced with drugs and alcohol... it makes me feel so uneasy but i have help myself understand that he is not me, he does not want to stay away from all that, he wants to try it and experience that teenage young adult standard and thats his choice and as long as hes safe and loyal, which i know he is, there’s nothing wrong at all. i am still learning that. in theology my professor explained how love requires accepting the other person for who they are and compromising. love requires sacrifice. and you must choose to love. and that is what im doing for him, because i love him. same goes to my family. my not so younger cousin just started smoking, and i was shocked and honestly felt somewhat betrayed because we were the ones who were left from that whole life, but i love my cousin. so i accept him for what he’s chosen to do.

it’s been a crazy year for me, and though ive rambled on for paragraphs i still feel like i havent gotten all of it out. but this has helped. most definitely. im still trying to figure myself out. and im still trying to learn to accept others for what they choose because that is love. 

one thing i will always carry on with the rest of my life is my sophomore year latin teacher. she didnt know any latin, nor did me or my class. one day we werent doing work and my classmates and i loved talking to her and asking questions because she was so smart and insightful and awesome. my classmate asked her something about drugs and alcohol. like whats the craziest thing shes done or something, and my teacher’s reply was “never done it” and everyone was shocked, including myself. and my classmate was dumbfounded and said, “never?? youre lying” and my teacher simply said, “nope, never felt the need to.” and i found that to be the most profound thing ever. it made me realize that i didnt need to bring drugs and alcohol in my life, thats when i realized that it was not necessary. i realized i didnt need that to be cool or smart or accepted, because she was all of that. she’ll never know, but she really changed my life perspective by saying that. i hope someday i’ll come to peaceful terms with what i’ve chosen and stand by. i think i’ll be on the way there soon.

if anyone made it this far, i love you. so so much. this is why i love this website. this community this fanbase. you are all so caring and loving and helpful and genuine and just awesome. thank you for following me, just standing by me and reading what ive rambled on for pages basically. i hope someday i can update you guys by saying, “i did it.”