#just. he creeps on them and tries to join and probably succeeds. the end <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[necrotic-nephilim]

How do you think bruce would react to a Robin pile situation?

oooh this is a fun thought. i think it depends *entirely* if you're working with a morally stable Bruce or a Bruce who's a little fucked up and dead dove-ish. somehow, i think it's actually more fun if it's a completely stable Bruce bc that adds so much more drama and issues if Bruce is deeply unsettled by the idea. if it was maybe just Jason and Dick or Jason and Tim dating that's sort of understandable. Bruce knows that while he may see them all as his sons (except Steph bc do know Robin pile will *always* include Steph for me and tbh Cass too as an honorary member. they're all going in the pile.) but he understands that doesn't mean they see each other as brothers. he respects the nuanced and complicated relationships scattered across all of the Batfam.

but if all of them are *dating*? or at the very least sleeping together? that raises a lot of logistical red flags. the most obvious one is the age gap of it all- at the biggest gap you have Damian and Dick who are an easy fifteen years apart, meeting when Damian is a kid. not to mention how many of them have tried to kill each other at some point. it shouldn't work and Bruce doesn't like that it does. Bruce has a history of wanting to control the relationships of the Batkids when he disapproves. and so he'd absolutely try to break them up. at first, he paints it purely as a logistical issue. saying it's smartest not to bring feelings into work and that this is dangerous. i think it's especially fun if this happens at a time when Bruce doesn't approve of Steph or Jason so that *also* plays into it, he doesn't want either of them near the ones he currently considers to be his family. he says he wants to protect them and wants to keep them safe. he tries to appeal to who he thinks would be more logical and listen to him the most. first Dick, and then when that doesn't work, Tim. and when neither of them listen, i *do* think Bruce would stoop to the low of trying to break them up by fabricating internal conflict between them, hoping to divide and conquer the weird polycule it's become.

while i don't think Bruce would be jealous in the sense he wants to be included, i *do* think he's wildly dislike the Robins having this close bond that makes them trust each other implicitly more than they trust Bruce. they will defer to each other before him and clearly keep things from him. he'd despise that. it's an inner circle he's not let in on and it makes him lose aspects of control over some of them, especially Damian who's the youngest and his son, who Bruce deserves the most control over. he would drive himself mad about it. at first for genuine reasons over the perceived fucked up nature of the relationship (even when each of them have confirmed that it is entirely consensual and they're happy) and to protect them. but he becomes so bitter over being ignored. they openly prioritize each other over him when the truth comes out because they see no point in hiding it. and i could definitely see Jason gloating about how he's back in the family whether Bruce likes it or not. Bruce would be beyond pissed about it. he's just never recovering. trying to stop them gets nowhere, even if he manages to cause some internal conflict.

eventually, Bruce would be forced to accept it for fear he would lose all of them. but he's *not* going to be happy about it and he keeps making side comments, hoping to get through to one of them eventually. it doesn't work, but he's definitely not going to stop trying. i also think on some level it would just disgust him a little bit in a visceral way, since they're his kids to him and he doesn't like to picture them in that way. esp when Jason or Steph lean heavily into PDA just to fuck with him. ass grabs, cuddling, sloppy kisses, the whole nine yards. Bruce will not have a moment of peace.

[macklives]

hey so this is gonna be a long-ish one. ive decided its been far too long since i did a session, and we did so many i can often forget what happened. i started in july and im pretty sure its been more than half a year now since this whole blog happened. and in that time, we’ve gone through 88 sessions and i want to know if i remember the relevant plot points and what we got up to in the last few sessions. a refresh/reminder if you would.

so i hereby commence my own little recap of act 5 because yeah no, its too much to do a recap of everything and i have andrew for that after every few acts. but i wanna refresh my mind on act 5 for now. so here we go.

1. alternia.. fucked up place. but its a place the trolls live on so what are we gonna do about it? overthrow the government? seems about right, lets do that with the next troll that gets introduced and if its not kanaya idk what andrew is doing by not having introduced the best troll yet. why the long wait? it was the second introduced? i honestly expected it to go in order when i first read act 5, because first we had karkat talk to jade which was the first new piece dialogue in the comic besides the main kids, but then we had kanaya with rose, which was followed by tavros, then terezi (iirc). so id assume we were following that order but nope karkat got fully introduced, then this random fucking juggalo called gamzee made its way into the comic. imagine my surprise.

2. theres been terminology throughout act 5, that i do not fucking know and will not remember and probably never will. like tf is a perigee again? i made a doc somewhere ill probably find it.

3. karkat’s introduction... short but very sweet. and by sweet i mean we got to know the depths of the angry edge lord. and by depths i mean karkat got angry at gamzee for typing in a way that he didnt like so he yapped like a chihuahua. nah, but seriously, i do like karkat tho, hes growing on me but only bc hes a bitch baby and his whole personality makes me want to mock him so thats the reason im not that annoyed and think hes funny, and the most harmless troll. even more so than tavros. and thats saying something. 7.5/10 bc im generous.

4. then gamzee... the high juggalo troll who has the worst typing quirk imo, i cannot for the life of me read it. but hes chill, i actually really like gamzee. hes funny and the least problematic as of right now. 8.5/10.

5. terezi’s introduction next i think. she likes playing as a lawyer with her stuffed dragons, ie by roleplay, shes blind, can see through licking, and she likes eating chalk, maybe its even nutritious. shes good. 9/10. 

6. uhh in the process of these intros, there are teams being made? karkat joins gamzee and terezi in, i THINK, the red team?? bc terezi likes red?? could be wrong, i dont remember the teams except that its red/blue to represent sollux’s duality in those colors. terezi then tries recruiting AC but AC is like lol sorry i have to ask this friend of mine who has authority over me for some goddamn reason and terezi goes yuck tf i hate that guy................... yeah thats all we have on the teams. pretty sure sollux had smth to do with karkat about the making of the leaders, and they did the “i hate me” and the “no i hate me more than u hate u” or whatever the fuck that was. they got embarrassed afterwards and deleted their messages. im pretty sure they have no messages because everything ends up being mutually deleted so their logs are actually empty. ngl, kinda enjoyed their convos, made me appreciate their characters. i hope we get more because its good content. i also dont know what order this whole thing is in, who contacted who first? couldnt tell you. ill remember later on. and since im basing this off from memory alone, gotta deal with what i remember. uhhhh so yeah. we havent met all characters yet so the teams have not been officially decided but we got the bases, which is that.

7. god i found it, and the only thing im looking at right now is the terminology list i made and what the fuck?? what the fuck?? you miss a few weeks and suddenly the word nubslurping comes up and you forget what the fuck youre reading.

8. im PRETTY SURE aradia is seen after that whole team fiasco?? or its sollux... maybe. wait. its sollux, right. i just knew someone gets introduced mid way through is all. actually, someone gets introduced after every 20 pages. i have no idea. but ik aradia and sollux go hand in hand.

9. oh shit. OH SHIT! RIGHT! I REMEMBER! so this occurs in the latest session i did, and not the beginning of act 5, but AG and aradia team up, right?? and sollux fucking gets manipulated by them and ??? idk??? they make him find the game, reprogram it and then make him believe its going to end the world (which in hindsight is true, but anyways) so he refuses to play it which was AG’s plan all along so she steps up and becomes leader in his place. but aradia says sollux will still play the game no matter what, but she never went through with the plan for AG but it was apart of a prophecy? that sollux wouldnt be the leader at all? that he’d still play? but it had to go according to plan so it could succeed??? we just dont know why yet. anyways, point being, she still cares for sollux since she did it for him rather than for AG. and thats what i recall. god tf i forgot about that whole drama until writing down “sollux and aradia go hand in hand” which gave me violent flashbacks to the memory.

10. oh and id give aradia 9/10 and sollux 7/10. i do like sollux but if i put him higher than karkat, id get crucified. so im keeping them around the same.

11. man i really like sollux and aradia tho, i may have put him at 7, but i really like their dynamic and i really hope they make up and aradia explains herself about AG. because from one side it looks shitty. and while sollux is rude and never makes up his mind, he apologized to aradia after going off, and that was the only time ive seen him be sincere, so im pretty sure he cares for her to some extent. and i think its somewhat mutual? considering the whole “did it for him” thing. man, i see potential because i actually like both their characters. theyre well written. may not have the best personalities, but i appreciate well written characters and homestuck has the best ones ive seen in a while.

12. oh shit, hell yeah, the more i write, the more im connecting the dots and remembering. however, the more i write, the more i want to just make an analogy post but thats not for now. jesus christ its not all about analogies, mack, this is a recap. but.. how does andrew do it? to not go off track??? hard. telling ya.

13. anyways, didnt we break the fourth wall at some point and have the demon gods or whatever the fuck speak to us in third person for the first time in the comic, after having only gone into second person narrative, right after we were introduced to sollux and his “virus”? the uh, the phrase “the demon was already here” was said, or something along those lines. first line in homestuck to give me the creeps ngl and i appreciate it bc it gives me motivation to know what the fuck its about. its cool bc you have no idea where its going and it sure doesnt have anything to do with the current plot, since the trolls’ session/game doesnt have fucking demons so im curious as to what the fuck that was about. and if i really have to make a theory, i feel it has something to do with aradia’s voices in her head which also connect to the gods rose heard when she started disregarding rules and told dave to look at derse without listening to music bc it was as if he was purposely blocking away their calls. like holy shit, that gave me the shivers. while i do want to know more about wtf happens after act 4, trolls are taking priority right now. just like we did with the intermission. no discussing the kids unless necessary. treat this as its own separate comic. and THEN we can connect.

14. ANYWAYS, tavros’ intro???? that comes afterwards?? with the fiduspawn that made me gag a little on the inside? yep. remember that. fuck that lol. -1/10 but tavros himself is MAYBE a 6/10? i wish we explored his character more in his intro bc right now he just looks like a character made only to be a victim rather than have any depth and i feel thats robbing someone of their full potential. give me more personality andrew, rather than a quivering boy who falls prey to bitches. im expecting more throughout the comic honestly and i hope he gets growth so hes not looked as a “victim” but rather his own character. he is still sweet, and i like him because i want to protect him, but id rather have more info, you know what i mean?

15. oh hell. kanaya had a chainsaw at some point. that made me happy. and didnt she cut off tavros’ legs?? and he got robot ones? and some creepy dude was looking and we called him saggy tits bc hes sagittarius? right? neat. that did happen. pretty sure saggy tits is ACs friend that tells her what to do. the more u know. OH and they all have colored blood similar to their text colors lol. that i remember... so tavros has brown, terezi has blueish green, um. karkat has grey the loser. and apparently it forms a rainbow which is nice. rainbow is good.

16. i dont remember anything else actually

17. wait no i do. AG appeared. shes a petty bully. idk what to say about her. we didnt get that much, except that she hates tavros but is okay with aradia. she also looks like a bottle opener. actually, i think she teamed with aradia to gain leadership rather than to “be friends”. and while that is similar to how karkat did it, meaning the gain, the motivation and how they earned it is entirely different. kinda seeing a trend tho. the leaders of the red/blue teams are both characters who wanted the role, but never had it to begin with. only to win their way into the position. but rather than ask non-stop like karkat did, AG manipulated others so she could be successful. not too sure if she also used aradia for that, or is actually motivated to become friends since they were “past enemies” and she needed a rebound. pretty sure its somewhat both. while AG did mostly use aradia to speak with sollux, what she doesnt know is that aradia is a bad bitch who never even thought about AG and only followed through with the plan bc she had a plan of her own. i guess we’ll look into that later. i lowkey want to know their history.

18. OH AC!!! she appeared for a second as well. love her. shes amazing. 9.5/10. and you may ask yourself, why am i saying “i love this character” but none of them are 10/10?? weellllll its because, and i cant stress this enough, 10/10 belongs to kanaya, i dont make the rules. im waiting for her introduction, shes my favorite and its obvious. sorry.

19. oh huh seems i forgot about the term “lusus”. which.. is.. their parents but not really, its these fucking weird ass creatures that the trolls fought in a cave or something as a child. i dont fucking know. terezi hatched hers and it died? gamzee’s also died but his goat sea dad was never really there to begin with so while it is sad, its more sad that gamzee never saw him? um.. karkat killed his own by exploding his computer bc sollux said dont run the virus and karkat said u cant tell me what to do and did it anyways. so thats on him. but apparently theyre supposed to die, to become prototyped during the game, right? yeah. i remember now.

20. thats.. about it? idk anything else, nothing is coming back to me apart from the shit above. huh.... im surprised how quickly things do come back to you the moment you rant about the plot tho.... handy trick.

cool. neat. fun. this took me too long. but im glad i remember a little bit.

[fairiesherefairiesthere]

Fraxus Anastasia au #3

Fic under the cut ! Or on ao3 (https://archiveofourown.org/works/23144866/chapters/57301969)

"Yoooo!!!!" Bickslow yells and immediately Laxus ? Yuliy ? gets snapped out of his stupour and pushes himself away from Freed, too aware of how close they had been. He can't shake the feeling of the man's breath hitting his ear like so, the ghost sensations leaving the tips of his ears burning.

"Sup fellas", Bickslow says as he strolls into the room, a woman somewhat reluctantly following him. "I brought an assortiment of snacks that could be classified as a fancy dinner if you aren't all that picky and I'm kind of counting on that." He winks at the both of them before plopping down on some couch and throwing the bag on a table. "Feast my underlings, your king has provided for you."

"I hate you", the woman spits out before turning her glare towards him. "And who is this fool?"

The fool himself would like to know too. With a lazy drawl in his voice, Freed joins the conversation. "His name is Laxus, you might've heard of him." The too large piece of chicken that Bickslow was trying to force into his mouth drops to the floor and the woman raises a single brow. "Right and my name's Evergreen Strauss." Picking the chicken leg back up from the floor, Bickslow points it at her. "I mean, it could be. It ain't that hard to add Strauss to it, all you gotta do is ask your boyfriend to become your h-u-s-b-a-n-d."

"Shut up, he isn't my boyfriend", she snaps before turning her attention back to the blond. "Laxus huh?" He shrugs. "Your friend is trying to sell it to me as well. Currently, I'm not believing him." A single smile slips past her guarded façade. "Good, you shouldn't. He's a pompous piece of shit." While Freed mildly protests her assessment of him in the background, Evergreen shoves Bickslow off the couch and seats herself on it. After extracting the couch from Bickslow, she takes the bag of snacks as well.

Patting on the empty spot next to her, she offers him to sit next to her. "Sit down and have a snack." Turning towards the other two men, she sticks out her tongue. "Bitches don't deserve anything, so don't even bother to ask." (Later on she ends up giving them more than enough.)

"I'm guessing these two have been awfully mean to you."

"No, it's mainly been Freed." The man in question makes an offended noise at this, but Laxus (he likes the name, okay? It's not like it's forbidden to use it. There are people with weirder names out there and he's an orphan so he has the right to choose) isn't done throwing him under the bus. As soon as the next opportunity arrives, he'll do it again.

Evergreen sighs at that and flicks Freed's forehead. 'You rude selfserving bitch, leave people alone." The man in question grumbles a little bit before dramatically flopping down onto the carpet. "Fine then. Oppress me even more." With a gentle smile Evergreen relays the following kind message to him. "Well, with the way you act, you deserve to be."

For a while no one says anything, but Laxus feels more than sees multiple pairs of eyes gliding all over his form. "If there's anything you guys want to say, just spit it out. You're creeping me out with the staring." Awkwardly Bickslow turns his head away as though he hadn't been staring (he's not a very convincing actor). Evergreen however isn't so inclined and continues to look at him, head a bit cocked. "Don't take it personal please, I'm merely assessing how big the chance is that you're our Laxus."

He lets her stare, opting to distract himself by fishing his necklace from shirt and twirling the dainty key attached to it between his fingers, trailing over the letters 'together in Paris' engraved in the tiny thing. The movement catches the attention of the three around him and while Bickslow is busy chocking on his chicken leg, Freed gives the other two a smug glance. "Shut up", Evergreens snaps before he can even opens his mouth, but the young man can't help but shrug cheekily. "Alright Ever dearest." At the open mockery, she decides to try suffocating him with a pillow. She doesn't succeed but the scene does draw a smile from Laxus.

After the bout of tomfoolery, Evergreen plops back unto the couch and shoos Laxus off it. "Fellas", she says addressing Bickslow and Freed more than him. "Tomorrow we'll be starting our journey to Paris. What do we do with him?" This time, she does address him, eyes boring into his soul.

"What does he want?" Freed hummed, faux-nonchalance painted across his figure. "Not that it really matters, I mean, our fourth train ticket is for prince Laxus and this young man says he isn't him. We can't take him  with us", the man says, checking his nails and refusing to even spare Laxus a glance. The way he talks over him as  though he isn't there grates on his nerves and he grits his teeth together. "I am him, that's what you said. Or are you going to take back your words now?"

"I am convinced, but are you?" The man's grin is infuriatingly patronizing and he tuts a bit at Laxus as though he's a child unable to make his own decisions. "I am the prince, alright? So my dearest subject", he smiles, spite colouring his words, "Shut the fuck up."

Holding his hands up as though Laxus' reaction wasn't perfectly reasonable, Freed sighs. "Oh prince of my heart, please do control your emotions. Such a blatant display of discontent is quite unsightly." Snorting, Evergreen gives Laxus a few pats on his shoulder. "I like you, please continue pissing him off. You're a good one Laxus."

Rolling his eyes, Freed lays down on the discoloured carpet beside the couch. "Our dearest future tsar is indeed quite lovely. I'm sure I'll dream of nothing but him", Freed taunted, eyes dragging across Laxus' entire form, a wicked grin playing along his lips. When their eyes inevitably met, Freed dragged out the words, "Nothing but my dearest prince", obnoxiously popping the 'p'. "Goodnight!" the man wished him with a wide, insincere smile before he wished Evergreen and Bickslow the same, fondness turning both his expression and voice kinder. It was a bummer that he couldn't be decent to Laxus like that. Wasn't that something akin to a capital crime?

"We'll be leaving early tomorrow morning, so you should try to catch some shut-eye as well", Bickslow explains before crashing right on top of Freed, who lets out a disgruntled little "oof". Evergreen curls up on the couch and Laxus awkwardly scans the room from his position on the floor. With a tired sigh he lays down unto the carpet as well, leaving a few feet between himself and the mass of limbs that's Freed and Bickslow. He doesn't want to get entangled with that.

Waking up, Laxus instinctively knows he's failed his resolution from the previous day. He's utterly engulfed in warmth and despite the hair in his mouth that's most definitely not his own, he decides to simmer in the heat for a while. Unused to the sensation, he draws the heatsource closer. In return his personal heater hums a little before tightening his arms around Laxus.

The little detail that throws him off though, is the insistent snickering around him. Reluctantly he opens his eyes and after blinking a few times to adjust to the light he looks at the being entrapping him.

It's Freed, because of course it is the most aggravating bastard on this unholy earth that has decided to interrupt his perfectly peaceful sleep. "Bitch", he mutters before looking up to meet the curious gazes of Bickslow and Evergreen. "Now that's a bit uncalled for baby", Bickslow judges and Laxus ignores him in favour of collecting a pillow from the couch. "It's time for him to wake up too, right?" Evergreen gives him a slight nod, but removes herself from the scene. He really should've thought harder about his following actions, especially considering that Bickslow scoots backwards too.

With an unforgiving force he brings the pillow in the direction of the greenhaired man's head. However, the two do not connect as Freed's eyes spring open and with a combination of both grace and brute force, he grabs Laxus by the arm and throws him over him, making him slam  into the corner of the nearby table.

"Ah fuck, sor-" As soon as he notices who exactly it is he attacked, he stops mid-apology. An infuriating smirk plasters itself onto his face instead. "Dear prince, as you can see I'm a jack of all trades." Leaning against his side, the man lets his fingers skips across Laxus' shoulders, whispering: "I'll protect all of this for you, everything inch from head to toe." Laxus tries to swat him away but the bastard proves to be annoyingly strong. He ends pushing against a cheek that feels surprisingly soft to distance himself from Freed.

"Boys, if you could stop fondling each other for a minute, we have to catch a train", Evergreen remarks dryly and Bickslow cuts in, "and breakfast, preferably. I'd kill for a meal."

"Then do it", Freed says, eyes wide open. "Human flesh is-" Laxus takes it upon himself to silence him by gagging him with his arm. Dragging the struggling man along, he nods at Evergreen. "Let's go", he says and sighs wearily. He's already regretting this.

Eventually he has to let go of Freed, because dragging a man along in that manner is a bit suspicious and he isn't looking to be arrested. Thanks to what probably is divine intervention, the man has decided to shut his wicked mouth for now. Instead he's letting his gaze slip over their surroundings, letting it hover at certain foodstalls. The overall expression of his face is inconspicious, innocent even with his slightly parted pink lips and youthful glow. But in the depths of his eyes swirl wayward lights and Laxus shivers. Who knows what this man is truly capable of?

Soon, he gets a demonstration of Freed's slightly shadier sides. Although he has to admit it's nothing he hasn't done himself and that Freed's probably not the only crook at work at this market. Approaching one of the vendors with a bright smile, Freed draws the man into a discussion about his wares. Are they the truly the best in town, as his sign says and other useless questions.

Provoked by the questions, the man offers Freed a sample, boasting about his quality. Freed nods along as the man explains the process of making the bread, interjecting with questions here and there. As the vendor launches into from one passionate speech into the other, Freed puts his nimble fingers to work.

It's the nonchalance of his actions that truly baffle Laxus. He doesn't even try to hide his actions, he casually swipes goods here and there and to top it all off? The vendor doesn't notice. At all. As someone who's gotten beaten quite a lot for getting caught pickpocketing, he's envious of the whole ordeal.

After purchasing a single slice of lemon cake and bidding the vendor goodbye, Freed returns to them. "I got you lot some breakfast, want it now or on the train?" Laxus' stomach rumbles at that very moment and as the tips of his ears colour slightly red, Evergreen doesn't spare him his dignity and gives a light chuckle. "Although circumstances", she glances at Laxus and he glares back, "seem to demand we have breakfast now, I'd advise to wait until we can sit down. I think it would make for a far more pleasing experience, right?"

Agreeing with her, they continue their walk. "Do you always gather your breakfast in that manner?" Laxus asks Freed and the man shrugs. "Is it of any importance dear prince? Is being fed not enough for your royal highness?"

"I'm wondering if you guys don't even have enough money to eat...How the hell are we going to get to Paris?" Freed's mouth falls open in a surprised 'o' shape and he covers it with his hand. "Oh my...there's some form of intelligence there after all", he gasps in faux-surprise.

As he moves to swipe at the guy, Freed swiftly stops him by shoving the lather large remnant of his slice of lemon cake into Laxus' mouth. Gross. That thing's been in the other man's mouth. He doesn't hesitate to voice his thoughts, but does throw in a little thank you because he had been hungry and contrary to other people, he knows what manners are.

"No problem", Freed says, voice honeyed and sweet. "The knowledge that you are enjoying your stolen goods, brings me the greatest happiness my dear prince!" Laxus swipes at him again and Freed dodges by smoothly skipping forwards. When he looks back and sees Laxus indignant face and puffed up cheeks, he lets out a laugh that sounds surprisingly close to genuine.

[latetothegreysparty]

One-Liners #17

So sorry it’s taken me forever and a day to get this one written. Life got a bit wild for a few weeks. Here is the next fic in the One-Liners series. It is a sequel to #16, so if you haven’t read that one, I’d recommend reading it first. It can be found here. This one is from the NSFW prompts, so if you don’t prefer that sort of fic, this isn’t something you’ll like. Thanks to @valentinemrl for the prompt for this one. The one-liner is the following: “Car sex looks so much easier in the movies.”

One-Liners #17

The crisp night air was a welcome change for Owen after having spent all day and the better part of the evening inside the hospital. Even better than the feeling of fresh air on his face was the warmth of the body that was pressed tightly to his side. He would never get over just how well Amelia seemed to fit under his arm. As his thoughts strayed down that path, he couldn’t help but smirk at the thought that her ass also seemed to fit perfectly in his palm. He had no idea why she was still allowing him to rest his hand there in the shameless display of possessiveness that he’d initiated purely to piss off Swanson. Who was he to argue, though? At this point, he decided to go for broke. He might get castrated for this, but he felt like gambling tonight. He gave her ass a playful squeeze, and to his surprise, her only response was a little squeal and a giggle. “Owen!” she chided, but her continued giggles told him she wasn’t the least bit upset.

“Sorry,” he offered, though his grin gave away the insincerity behind his apology, “I couldn’t help myself.”

“You are such a man,” she continued to goad.

“You would know better than anyone,” he shot back, coming to a stop as they arrived at his truck. He eyed the vehicle for a moment before dropping his arm from around her waist and turning to face her. “Wanna head back to my place?”

She smiled and blushed ever so slightly, and he knew immediately that hurricane Amelia was about to make her presence known. “Actually, I was thinking we could try something…”

“And what would that be?” He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear as he spoke.

“Have you ever had sex in a car before?”

Though he tried, Owen was pretty certain he didn’t succeed in keeping the apprehension off of his face. “No...are you suggesting we try it?” She continued to smile and blush lightly as she nodded. “In the parking lot?” Another little nod. “Amelia, what if one of our coworkers sees us?!”

“Oh come on, live a little,” she said, a slight whine creeping into her voice. “It’s dark out. Nobody would be able to see into the car. Plus I’m pretty sure everybody we know has already gone home. Well, everyone other than Swanson, and I wouldn’t so much mind if he saw you giving me a toe-curling orgasm.”

Owen knew what she was doing. She was simultaneously trying to stroke his ego and appeal to his jealous side. And, damn it, it was working. But he wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of saying so out loud, so instead he merely opened the door and began to climb into the truck. Once he was in the back row of seats, he turned back to look at her. “It only works if both people are in the vehicle, you know?”

Normally a comment like that would’ve earned him an eye roll, but she was so happy he had agreed that she merely smirked and crawled into the truck after him. She plopped gracefully onto the seat next to him, reached immediately for the hem of his shirt, and whipped it over his head. He followed her lead, and pretty soon they were shirtless and making out in the back seat like a couple of horny teenagers. All in all, he’d call this a success.

Well, until she tried to remove his pants, that is. She reached down, gave his package a gentle squeeze, tossed a wink his way, popped the button, and undid his fly. He groaned when she reached into his pants and stroked his erection through his boxers. “Mmm, somebody’s ready to go,” she teased before tugging his pants down his hips. Everything was going fine until they made an attempt to completely remove his pants. It turns out that the logistics of taking one’s pants off become a bit more complicated when one is sitting in the back of a vehicle that doesn’t have much leg room. “How about I sit on the ground and you swing your legs up onto the seat?” she suggested. He nodded and pretty soon she was crouched on the floor while he shimmied out of his pants.

“Now what about yours?” he asked while she climbed back up onto the seat next to him.

“Here, let me try,” she said, already unbuttoning her pants and beginning to squirm around in an attempt to remove her pants. After quite a bit of flailing, she managed to get her pants off without having to ask Owen to crouch on the floor of the truck. “Some of us just have more skill,” she teased as she tossed her pants toward the front seat.

“Yeah, sure, if by ‘skill’ you mean legs that are 6 inches shorter than mine,” he sulked.

She rolled her eyes. “Do you want to take off your boxers, or are we just going to sit in the back of your truck in our underwear like a couple of high schoolers?”

His eyes widened. “Oh shit, my boxers,” he cursed. “I probably should’ve tried to take those off when I was taking off my pants.” And thus began another round of Amelia crouching on the floor and Owen flailing in the back seat of the truck.

It wasn’t until he narrowly missed kneeing her in the face that she spoke up again. “Car sex looks so much easier in the movies,” she huffed.

“I’m pretty sure they’re not in an actual car when they film those movies,” he reasoned while finally getting his boxers off and chucking them toward the front to join the clothing already piling up in the passenger seat.

As he came to settle himself back onto the seat, she was already pulling her panties from her right big toe. “I don’t know why you have to make such a big production of it,” she teased before tossing the garment toward the front seat.

“Show off,” he pouted, sticking his tongue out for good measure. Before he could get his tongue back into his mouth, she was covering his lips with hers and climbing on top of him.

“Your turn to show off,” she panted, and that was all the invitation he needed. He shifted her onto the seat and began to position himself on top of her so that he could take control. He once again underestimated the tight quarters they were in, and he somehow managed to whack his butt on the driver’s seat while moving to straddle her. This set off another round of giggles from Amelia.

“Would you stop laughing at my misfortune?” he groused, roughly grabbing her hips as he spoke.

“Make me,” she tossed back saucily.

“With pleasure,” he responded, a small smirk lighting up his face half a second before he slid into her. As promised, he succeeded in putting an end to her sassy comments. As his hips began to rock against hers, all she could think to do was wrap her arms around his shoulders and moan his name into his ear.

His hands strayed from her hips and began to wander everywhere from her face to her breasts to her thighs. He knew exactly which buttons to push, and she found herself breathily panting: “So close,” in a surprisingly short period of time.

“Me too,” he whispered, and it was only another moment before both were shouting, groaning, and collapsing into one another in the back seat. In perhaps his first agile move of the night, Owen managed to roll them so that Amelia was lying face down on top of him across the backseat. They stayed there like that for several more minutes, lounging in the moonlight and listening to each other catch their breath.

Amelia would’ve been happy to stay there all night if she didn’t know in the back of her mind that her neck and back would be extremely sore if she did. Nonetheless, there was no harm in indulging themselves for another few minutes. So she closed her eyes, laid her face back down on his shoulder, and allowed herself to become lost in the moment.

She was so lost in the moment that she didn’t take note of the noises outside the car until she could hear the driver’s side door being opened. Her eyes snapped open, and she looked down at Owen in a panic. His eyes were wide too, but neither of them had the instinct to move or say anything. She would’ve sworn time stood still as a man climbed into the truck and sat down in the passenger’s seat. Try as she might, she couldn’t get her voice to work. All she could do was stare in horror toward the front of the car.

She continued to stare as the man in the driver’s seat made his cursory glance in the rearview mirror before turning the car on. All three pairs of eyes met in the rear view mirror, and that was when she realized exactly who they were now sharing Owen’s truck with. “Um, sorry, wrong car,” mumbled Swanson as he leapt from the door of the truck. In his haste to exit the vehicle, Swanson had made no effort to use the running board to climb down, so he ended up tumbling to the ground and landing on his hands and knees. He recovered quickly, jumped up, and slammed the door before quickly crossing the parking lot without another word.

Amelia and Owen stared at each other for a full 3 seconds before they both burst out laughing at precisely the same moment. Loud, raucous laughter boomed through the cab of the truck for the next several moments as they both enjoyed the hilarity and the awkwardness of the moment they’d just experienced. When the both began to settle down a bit, Owen finally managed to breathlessly say: “See? I told you car sex was a bad idea.”

In response, he received a light swat to the chest. “Seriously? Are you actually going to try to tell me that you’re upset that Swanson saw us naked and basking in post-orgasmic bliss after that shameless territorial display you put on earlier in the ED?”

Owen at least had the shame to hide his face in her neck for a moment. “Okay, fine, I guess if someone had to see us, I’m not exactly sad it was him.”

“Thank you,” she replied smugly.

“Now that we’ve settled that, can you please promise me that our next time will be in a house like normal people instead of a vehicle that is far too small for this type of thing?”

She smiled. “When you say ‘our next time,’ you better mean ‘in about 30 minutes.’”

Owen said nothing in response. Instead, he reached for the stack of assorted clothing in the passenger seat and began to separate hers out from his. As they fumbled around for the next 10 minutes in the back seat while trying to get their clothes back on, Owen found that any doubt he’d had about whether or not he’d like to try car sex again had evaporated. While fun in theory, actually trying to have sex in an automobile was more annoying than sexy. That being said, he was most certainly not upset about the way his evening had turned out.

[thiswomanshouldbewriting]

A Tale of Magic - Chapter 5 (Quiet Minds)

After way too many days of procrastinating out of fear of getting this chapter wrong, I finally found the courage to post it. infinite thanks to @galactic-pirates, my wonderful beta, who was even more patient than usual with me. 

In this chapter we learn how Rumplestiltskin was brought back from the dead, and what that meant for him. In present-day Storybrooke, Belle has a very emotional day. Zelena makes everybody miserable.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Ao3 link. 

The Enchanted Forest, five months ago.

The man trembled before Zelena, his hands clenching nervously around the old key. 

“So I just need to open that vault?” he asked, made suspicious by the apparent simplicity of the task. 

“Yes. I believe even a monkey like you should be able to do that. Or should I give you a little incentive? Four children, three children… it doesn’t make much difference, does it?” Zelena threatened.

All color drained from the man’s face. 

“No, please, you said you wouldn’t harm them,” he begged.

“I said I’d spare them if you did as you were told. If you really want to keep them safe, stop asking stupid questions, and do what I say,” Zelena remarked.

He nodded nervously, then turned around and walked to the center of the clearing. It was a warm day, but the metal circle that marked the entrance to the vault was ice cold. He knelt beside the lock, brushing the dirt off of the opening, then took a deep breath and pushed the key inside. 

The key seemed to catch fire, turning incandescent against his hand as the air filled with the stench of burned skin. He screamed, falling back as he let the key go, the pain so intense that at first he didn’t even notice the black, gooey substance coming out of the vault. 

“What’s going on?” he asked, terror rising in him as he realized how difficult it was becoming to form words.

“Don’t you know that all magic comes at a price? I needed to bring someone back from the dead, so someone else needed to die. I promised your family would be safe, I never said anything about you,” Zelena cackled.

He collapsed to the ground, his vision blurring. The last thing he was aware of was the shape of a man emerging from the goo. 

Zelena watched in awe as her old mentor was forcefully brought back from limbo as the peasant’s life force was transferred to him. Centuries before, an ambitious king had tethered the Dark One’s soul to this vault, so that not even death could ever free him of the king’s control. The spell he had crafted to bring the Dark One back had never been tested before, but Zelena had never doubted that she would succeed. She was surprised by Rumplestiltskin’s appearance once the spell was completed: he looked human now, but there was no doubt that he was still the Dark One: the dagger in his hands still bore his name. Just as Zelena had expected, he was barely conscious once the spell was completed; being brought back from the dead was bound to leave him weakened for some time. He collapsed to the ground and barely even flinched when she took the dagger from his trembling fingers.

“Zelena… no…” he murmured, but not even panic could give him the strength to fight back. He was completely at her mercy. 

“Save you breath, dearie,” she said, kneeling down so that her face was mere inches from his. “You’re going to need all of your strength very soon.”

**********

Storybrooke, present. 

Belle had been in the shop all day. Ever since they’d come back to Storybrooke she’d been checking the inventory to see if anything had gone missing or if something new had made its way to the shop. She had found nothing relevant so far, but the pawnshop was so filled with trinkets that it would take her several more days to finish the job. She didn’t mind though; she enjoyed the cozy quiet of the shop, and being surrounded by Rumplestiltskin’s things made her feel closer to him. Sometimes she could almost imagine he was fixing something in the back, and that at any moment he’d walk past the curtain and ask her if she wanted a cup of tea. It was a bittersweet thought, one that sometimes warmed her from the inside and at others left her in tears.

Today had been a bit of a rollercoaster. First the news about the cloaked figure in the woods, then the ripple of magic as the curse was broken, and not long after that Neal had walked in, telling her of his encounter with his father. Rumplestiltskin was clearly in some sort of confused state, but after a while he had recognized his son. Belle was determined to see it as good news: if Rumplestiltskin had improved slightly after such a short time with Neal, whatever had been done to him was probably reversible. It had to be.

When her cellphone rang, Belle took a deep breath before answering, readying herself for the latest crisis. 

“Hi Belle,” Emma said, her voice frustratingly neutral, carrying no hint of whether she was the bearer of bad or good news. “Are you sitting right now?”

Belle understood that Emma was just concerned for her and her baby, but even this short delay was hell on her nerves.

“Yes, now please just tell me what’s going on,” she all but begged. 

“David and I just stopped a flying monkey from attacking Gold. The monster was chasing him through the woods, but while we dealt with the monkey Gold ran away from us too. He was confused, but he seemed to recognize me, or at least to remember that I’m on his side. He looked as though he was trying to say something but couldn’t bring himself to focus on it,” Emma explained. “We’re trying to track him down again, but I thought you needed to know immediately. The monkeys follow Zelena’s orders, they shouldn’t be attacking him. Either she lost control of them, or she lost control of Rumplestiltskin. Maybe he managed to get his hands on his dagger and escape. And if he did…”

“He’ll come to me,” Belle concluded for her, a smile forming on her lips. Her Rumple was coming back. He was coming home. “I’ll keep my eyes open, and I’ll be ready to face any flying monkey that might be chasing him. There’s more than enough magic in here to deal with them.”

“Still, I told Neal to join you at the shop. He has already been through enough today, and Gold will want to see him as well. If anyone can bring him back to his senses, it’s you two,” Emma said, her tone turning softer. She truly hoped things would turn out alright for them. She remembered what it was like, to be pregnant and scared, and she wouldn’t have wished that on her worst enemy, let alone Belle. 

After hanging up the phone, Emma resumed her search with even more determination. She was the Savior, it was her duty to bring back the happy endings, and that now included Rumplestiltskin’s as well. She’d reunite him with his family, then they’d defeat Zelena together and Henry would be safe. That’s what she kept telling herself. It was a good mantra, but it didn’t stop the doubts from creeping up inside her, a dark thought she was completely unable to push back. Safe, sure, her fear whispered, but for how long? 

**********

The Enchanted Forest, after Rumplestiltskin’s resurrection. 

Rumplestiltskin was going mad. He had no memories of what being dead felt like, but he was sure not even hell could be this bad. Zelena had confined him to a small cage in the great hall of his own castle, forbidding him from doing any magic, and laying helplessly in the dirt day after day was quickly chipping away at his sanity. Zelena had total control over his life; she could starve him for days just as she could force feed him, all while taunting him and mocking him for his weakness. His immortality prevented him from suffering any lasting damage, so he couldn’t even hope death would put an end to his misery.

Even the solace of sleep was eluding him. Dark Ones didn’t need to sleep, and the constant fear and frustration he was living with guaranteed to keep him awake at all times. Dark magic was simmering in his veins, begging to be released, not accustomed to being trapped for so long. Every day he found himself spending more and more time picturing Zelena’s death, the images becoming increasingly gruesome as the darkness inside of him mounted. Soon enough, his skin started to show the change, gradually going back to its old reptilian appearance. 

“We’re the same, you and I,” Zelena commented one day, pointing at his now completely scaly skin. “Our skin reflects who we really are on the inside. No matter how much you try to fight me, how much you want to tell yourself that you’ve changed, the truth is that you’re every bit as dark as I am. We both revel in darkness, and you were a fool to push me away.”

A wave of the dagger sent him to his knees as Zelena entered the cage and sat on the stool in front of him. This was the part of his imprisonment that he hated the most. He tried to keep his breathing under control as Zelena put her fingers on his temples and started reading his mind. Under any other circumstances, he could have stopped her; searching someone’s memories and thoughts was a delicate process, requiring both the expertise of the reader and complete compliance of the subject. Zelena’s magic was strong enough to grant her access to his mind, but she took no care in making the process any less painful for him. Every time it felt as though his head was about to explode, but he was forbidden to fight back, and the witch only seemed to take pleasure in the whimpers that sometimes escaped his lips.

He collapsed to the floor once she left him alone, fighting to hold back the tears and retain what little was left of his dignity. As always, he tried to make sense of all the memories that had flashed through his mind as Zelena read them; there had to be a pattern, something she was looking for, and if he could figure it out then maybe he could find some leverage against her. It worried him to no end that she seemed particularly interested in his family; she was digging for information about Belle, Bae, Henry and Emma, and he dreaded to know why. If he couldn’t get free, he had to at least find a way to warn them. One day Zelena would make a mistake, no matter how tiny, and he’d make sure that was her downfall. 

**********

Storybrooke, present day. 

Belle had never been good at waiting. She wasn’t one to sit around and wait for something to happen, or for someone else to solve the problem, yet waiting was the only thing she could do right now. Considering how nervous she was, she had given up on taking inventory - lest she accidentally spill a potion or break some rare item- and tried to distract herself with a book, but it was the tenth time she had read the same page, and she still had no idea of what it said. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Neal looking worriedly at her, but there was nothing he could do to help.

The sound of the front door banging open made her jump in her seat. Rumplestiltskin stumbled over the threshold, crumpling to the floor. Belle rushed around the counter, kneeling with some difficulty by his side. 

“Rumple? Rumple can you hear me?” Her voice choked with emotion as she caressed his face. His eyes were closed, and she could already feel herself panicking when she heard Neal’s voice. 

“He’s breathing. He just fainted. He’ll be alright,” he told her, laying a reassuring hand on her shoulder. 

She didn’t want to leave Rumplestiltskin on the floor, but with her belly making her even clumsier than usual there was no way she could carry him to the cot, even with Neal’s help.

They had to wait until Regina arrived and used her magic to move him. Thankfully she was prompt and soon Rumplestiltskin was resting comfortably on the cot in the back. Belle sat by his side, taking one of his hands in hers. There was dirt under his nails and over his suit, and he had lost weight since the last time she saw him. Still, he was alive and with her, and that was the only thing that mattered. 

She held her breath when he finally stirred. She knew he wasn’t quite himself, but she had to see it with her own eyes. She needed to see how bad the situation was before she could attempt to improve it somehow. Rumplestiltskin looked around confused, clearly trying to make sense of his surroundings.

“Hey, Rumple… do you recognize me?” Belle asked, gently squeezing his hand. 

Rumplestiltskin stared at their entwined hands for what felt like a lifetime.

“Light,” he said eventually, looking up to meet Belle’s gaze.

In that moment, Belle knew that they’d be alright. Rumplestiltskin might not have said her name, but he knew that she and Bae were his guiding lights. Rumplestiltskin was trying to come back to them, and now she had proof of it.

“It’s alright, Rumple. You’re safe now,” she said reassuringly. 

Apparently, those were the wrong words. Rumplestiltskin immediately became nervous, sitting up and slipping his hand from her grasp. 

“Not safe, never safe,” he protested. “I must… warn you. Danger… Zelena… she’s coming for our baby.”

Every word seemed to cost Rumplestiltskin energy, and he took his head in his hands, on the verge of tears. The world was spinning around him, clearer than before and yet still so confused. He could feel cold sweat trickling down his neck, and he was starting to feel dizzy. The feeling of a warm, soft hand carding through his hair cut through his panic, anchoring him back to reality. 

“Hey, hey it’s okay. You already warned us. You were incredibly brave, and without you we would have already lost,” the woman in front of him murmured, her voice soothing his fears just as much as Zelena’s presence fostered them. Light, that was the first word that came to his mind when he looked at her, but he knew she had a name, one that was close to his heart, a name that he should remember. How could he had forgotten it? Forget… forget… an accent you wouldn’t soon forget. Brown hair. Beautiful blue eyes. Her name is…

“Belle,” he breathed out in relief, in joy, in recognition. Another piece of the puzzle was in place, and he felt peace like he hadn’t in weeks, maybe months. 

“Yes, it’s me, I’m here, and our baby is safe,” she said, smiling brightly as she took one of his hands and placed it on her belly. 

That contact seemed to light another spark of recognition in his brain. More and more memories came to his mind as the world once again started to make sense. 

“Bae, where is Bae?” he asked. He needed his family to be complete, he needed them all to clear the fog away. 

“I’m here Papa,” Neal said immediately, taking Rumplestiltskin’s free hand. 

Memories flooded Rumplestiltskin’s mind as he held hands with those he loved the most. Separations and reunions, fights and tender moments, all characterized by the love that had guided him and shaped him into the person he was now. 

Even if Belle hadn’t felt the tingle of magic go through her fingers, she could have pinpointed the exact moment in which Rumplestiltskin remembered by the look in his eyes.

“Belle… Bae,” he called their names again, emotional and disbelieving, then pulled them into a hug. 

Rumplestiltskin was finally home. 

**********

Regina’s palace, three months ago. 

“I have a surprise for you,” Snow told Belle one day. “If you want, I can tell you if you’ll be having a boy or a girl. I’ve finally found Ruth’s locket, and I can guarantee it works.”

Belle was fascinated by the locket, and gladly took the offer. She wasn’t hoping for a boy or a girl in particular, but it would be nice to know in advance, and she watched with bated breath as the necklace dangled over her palm. 

“North to South,” Snow observed, “It means it’s a boy. Congratulations.”

Belle smiled thankfully at her, as the image of a little boy with Rumple’s eyes formed in her mind. Snow had been extremely supportive of her during the past several months, and they had grown a lot closer. Belle was incredibly thankful for her and her other friends; thanks to them, she had found new happiness in her life, and the thought of Rumplestiltskin was starting to bring more melancholy than despair. She still cried herself to sleep sometimes, and she doubted she would ever be over him, but her life had to go on, for her sake just as much as for her child’s. 

The sound of the large windows bursting open made everyone in the room startle. Zelena flew through the open window and dismounted her broom, and then beside her appeared…

“Rumple,” the name left Belle’s lips in a choked whisper. After months of believing him dead, her True Love was in front of her. He was real, he was alive, and his dagger was in Zelena’s hands. David drew his sword, and a fireball formed in Regina’s hand, but before any of them could take action they were all frozen in place by a spell.

“Belle,” Rumple called to her, his voice full of despair. Then his gaze moved to her belly, and his eyes widened in surprise and horror. “You… you’re…”

“Yes, your little maid is pregnant with your child, why are you so surprised? Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you; I’ve known for months,” Zelena taunted him, and Belle felt white, hot rage course through her veins.

“Shush now, we didn’t come here for a family reunion. We came here to deliver a message,” Zelena went on, and Belle could see how Rumplestiltskin’s body tensed with her command, how abruptly his jaw slammed shut. Belle wasn’t sure if she had ever felt such fury before. She didn’t just want to get the dagger back from Zelena; she wanted to hurt her, and that wasn’t a sensation she was familiar with. All thoughts of revenge left her mind, however, when Zelena strode directly towards her and laid one hand on her belly. Trapped and unable to react, Belle could hardly hear Zelena’s words over the desperate, terrified beating of her heart. 

 “You see, I have a spell in mind, and your child is exactly what I need for it. So take care of it for me, because I’ll be back for your happy day,” Zelena gloated, her lips spreading in a smile that made Belle feel sick. She wanted to scream and run away, to get rid of Zelena and wrap her arms around Rumple, but all she could do was stare at the witch with wide eyes, unable to hide the utter terror in them. 

Zelena and Rumplestiltskin vanished, the spell was lifted, and Belle staggered forward, her legs threatening to give out. She had just found out that her True Love was alive, but that joy had turned to ash in front of her eyes. Fear was drowning out all of her thoughts: if she didn’t do something, she was going to lose her child. 

**********

Storybrooke, present day. 

“I’ve dreamt of this moment for so long,” Belle breathed, eventually pulling back from their family hug.

Neal, feeling suddenly awkward, decided to join Regina in the front of the shop. He had come a long way with his father, but he was definitely not ready to see him be all sappy with his girlfriend; and he was one-hundred percent sure that his father was the sappiest, most foolishly romantic man in the world. 

“I knew that our love could beat Zelena. That you could,” Belle went on as Neal left the room. 

“Your unwavering faith constantly astounds me,” Rumplestiltskin replied, his voice breaking with emotion. There were tears in both his and Belle’s eyes, and after so long apart he simply couldn’t get enough of her. He wanted to hold her close and never let go, to bury his nose in her hair and forget the world. They both leaned forward at the same time, desperate for the kiss that they had been denied for too long. When their lips were only a breath apart, however, Rumplestiltskin abruptly pushed her back. 

“Run,” he said in a whisper, his voice suddenly panicked. 

“What?” Belle asked, confused. It didn’t make sense, everything was going so well. 

“Run!”

Rumplestiltskin screamed this time, but Belle barely managed to get to her feet before Zelena appeared beside Rumplestiltskin, the dagger held firmly in one hand, her cruel laughter sending chills down Belle’s spine. 

“Don’t mind me. I was just enjoying the show,” Zelena taunted, roughly grabbing a fistful of Rumplestiltskin’s hair and forcing him to look at her. “I’m sorry to ruin such a sickeningly sweet reunion, but I’m afraid Rumple and I have a lot of things to do. Thank you for bringing him back to sanity, by the way.”

“You knew. You set this all up. You set him free knowing that Bae and I could heal him,” Belle accused her, realization hitting her with the force of a truck. She could hardly believe how stupid she had been; with Zelena holding the dagger, it was ridiculous to think that Rumple could have escaped, but she had been so blinded by her own feelings that she had failed to notice all the red flags, and she had played right into Zelena’s hands. 

“You heroes are so predictable; all I had to do was set him free and make him forget about it,” Zelena gloated. 

“You made a huge mistake,” Rumplestiltskin growled. “Now that my mind is clear, it’s only a matter of time before I get that dagger back and run it through your chest.”

“You know you can't hurt me, but you're more than welcome to try. I do so enjoy watching futility wreck a man's will. Now be a good little Dark One, and get back to your cage,” Zelena said, pressing the dagger against Rumplestiltskin’s face. 

Belle could see him tense at the contact, and saw the struggle in his eyes, how strongly he tried to fight the command, but to no avail. After one last, desperate glance at Belle, Rumplestiltskin disappeared in a puff of smoke. Zelena followed, and a beat later Neal and Regina barged in from the other room.

“She caught us by surprise and paralyzed us. What happened here, where is my father?” Neal asked immediately, kneeling beside Belle, who had collapsed into the nearest chair. 

She wanted to tell him, but the more she tried the harder it was to form words past the lump in her throat. It hurt. It hurt to be this helpless. It hurt to think of the despair in Rumplestiltskin’s eyes, and how she hadn’t been able to do anything for him. It hurt to know that, despite all her efforts, she could never make things right. She wanted to be a hero, but the truth was that she was more of a liability. Her sobs grew louder and louder as the weight of what had just happened came crashing down on her, until a sudden pain in her low abdomen turned her despair into shocked horror. 

“Belle? Belle, what’s wrong?” Neal asked frantically, worried by the sudden change in her expression.

Belle’s voice came out hoarse and feeble, each word dripping with fear.

“I think I’m going into labor.” 

[frenchbreadat2am]

i want you to know and remember how you feel right now before you get too high

last night everything was good. it could have been good. but it was a hard day the worst day. the night before brett thought you were mad at him, which yo weren’t. but you went and saw that movie, too. the one that hit way too close to home. he said you were attacking him. it reminded you of way back when. of spencer. of your mom. of judy. you fought back. he couldn’t be right. and it ended ok. it ended up with him saying he loves you. not apologizing. just I love yous.

and all day long you were fucked up. fucked up from this epiphany. of how long youve felt this way. so all day long it felt like 10 years of repressed energy was boiling up at once. all day long you flip flopped between hating yourself, hating everyone else, and thinking maybe it might be ok. that I could put it behind me. that from now on, everything would be good. it would be perfect. I would be perfect.

so you went on a run, you joined a new gym after work. you looked up movie times, and considered going to one alone. as you scrolled through you saw the movie brett wanted to see with you. the one you couldn’t see without him. you grapple with going alone, turning off your phone, shutting everyone out especially him. smoking enough weed that it didn’t matter. but that didn’t feel healthy, and this was your new leaf after all. so you called him, you asked if he wanted to go, and oh look! he has a screener. he’ll just go pick up from his friends and we can watch at his house - super convenient, and a lot more comfy. perfect. you make yourself dinner, and you’re so excited, so ready to feel what it might be like to be ok, that you take it with you. you eat your salad over the steering wheel on the way to his house, and when you get there he’s not back from picking up the movie. so you goof off with his roomies. they like you. you like them. there’s real affection there, and they think you’re cool. so you must be, everything must be good. you feel ok, you see a bottle of wine, and think, maybe I might want one later too.

brett gets home, and as soon as he walks in your embarrassed. he doesn’t come up to kiss you right away, he barely says hi - he’s too focused on helping one roomie put up blinds. but it’s ok, you tell yourself. this is in your head. stop overthinking. he doesn’t mean anything bad by it, and this is our new leaf, remember? if someone doesn’t mean something bad, it’s on you to take it the wrong way. right. I assure myself. I suggest we walk to get a bottle of wine - a roomie says the liqour store is close by. we take florence and it’s nice. brett chatters on - i don’t remember what about. that feels telling.

after we get back, brett asks if he can have 2 minutes to fold his clothes. I do realize what he’s saying but I play dumb, “what? Oh yeah no rush babe.” 30 minutes passes. I’m ok. I can feel the coldness slowly creeping into the peripherals of my eyes, but I stay focused straight ahead. I flip through channels and land on funny ones so that the roomies and I can laugh and the room can feel warm, despite my growing fear. Finally, he’s ready, and now we have to figure out how to get this game console up to his room. After a tense moment of neither of us knowing what we’re doing, we succeed! The playstation is finally below his TV. It’s late now - almost 11. I realize if I was at home I would be in bed, probably about to fall asleep. This unsettles me.

The playstation doesn’t work still, or rather we don’t know how to work it. I sit in bed, knees to my chest, watching, offering useless advice while Brett tries different buttons. Just as I’ve talked myself back into settling into this night, settling into the choice I made to come here, to watch this movie that I won’t get to finish because I need to be asleep by midnight.....the 3rd roomie comes home, and bursts into the door. He needs his playstation. He takes it. It’s his, Brett say, but we can just use the Wii! I know the remote doesn’t have batteries, and I tell him so. And suddenly, I break. The fight - I lose it. And I’m saying things I know he won’t want to hear - let’s just not. I don’t want to. It’s too late. I’ll fall asleep.

SO we put ona documentarty I don’t want to watch, and I ask him if I can talk to him. This is the good part, so listen closely.

He sighs. He doesn’t want to talk, so I tell him he won’t have to. I just need someone to talk TO. He asks if I need the sound off - I say please. And then I cry. I tell him everything I haven’t said to anyone else. Not everything. I don’t trust him enough to throw a pity party, so I don’t focus on everything that’s gotten me to this place, but I do focus on where I am now. Depressed.

I’m depressed and I tell him so. I’ve been so depressed. I’ve felt so alone, even when I’m with people. I don’t know when to be myself, and when not to be. It feels like I can’t do anything right. It feels like the things that I love, I’m doomed to ruin. Including our relationship. I’ve been scheduling out my life - work, gym, home, smoke weed before it all catches up, fall asleep. take a nyquil if you have to. and don’t eat carbs. eat at certain times. write all this down in your planner. write down how you feel at the beginning of each day, so that you can push it away for the rest of the hours. I tell him I’m starting to feel better - that talking helped, that I really needed that.

But I feel something else, in the frays of the moment. He’s listening, but he’s not hearing what I’m saying. He’s not thinking about it the way I want him to. Oh, but he’s thinking. I say I’m sorry, I say I’m so thankful that he listened, I say I’m so thankful to have him, that I’m sorry I brought the mood down. That I understand now that this facade, this schedule I’ve made for myself, it became warped. And so I short circuited. But I know what happened now, so I’m sorry. Please don’t judge me. I’m sorry. Please don’t ever thinkin I’m hurting you on purpose. I’m sorry. I’m thankful for you, and I’m sorry.

I try to kiss him, he’s cuddling me now. Hasn’t said much, but his arms are there. I keep trying to kiss him. He won’t open his mouth. These kisses are dry, and closed, and cold. 

He says I just went on an emotional roller coaster, and he’s got a lot on his mind too. Thinking about a lot. Mulling over a lot. I ask,

what are you thinking about?

he resists, hesitates, complains that it’s too late. and finally says everything i’m afraid to hear. as if he dove into my brain and explored every space and tunnel until he found the pulsing, dark collection of truths I disguise in my present conscious as anxious fabrication and deceit. 

i’m young. he’s been through this with his own shit. he doesn’t know if he wants to go through it again. he doesn’t know if I make him happy. He doesn’t know if we can make each other happy. he says we’ve had this talk so many times. he says it happens a lot, more than with any other relationship he’s been in. he doesn’t know if he wants it in his life. He used to have a flow, he says. he misses that. he has no flow. he can’t get through a week without something going wrong. it’s not all me, it’s everything. 

I say - you want to break up. I say it honestly, questioningly, openly. I am so depressed, dead, hopeless, that it doesn’t even hurt to suggest that sure, he can’t handle it. it’s my fault. 

He’s immediately exasperated. No, it’s not something that happens overnight, he says. You always say that. You always latch onto this idea of breaking up. It’s not like you’re not going to be my best friend forever. But am I even making you happy? I don’t know how to respond, because the answer is yes and no. He makes me happy, but he’s not making me happy. Like the love before him, the more he focuses on this fulfillment of making sad, angry, mean cash happy - the more he realizes he can’t. And the more he’s sure I’ll always be sad, angry, and mean. And the more he visualizes this, even in a perfectly happy countenance of mine. And the more he resents it. But I don’t say this. Because how could I/?

Instead, I reason out loud now. I should have stayed home. I knew something was wrong, and I came over anyway. and I got mad at you, for what? For something the clock was keeping - time? afraid I would all asleep before the movie ended? insistent it was worthless to watch. how selfish of me. how as usual, thoughtless and selfish, and narcissistic of me. And I should work on my depression on my own. Talking to you wasn’t honest, I don’t think, and I realize that now. I wanted a reaction. I wanted a hug. I placed an expectation in my head that you were supposed to fulfill, one that I disguised as self expression, when it was really self serving. I need to stick with having those moments when I’m alone, so I know they are true, and real, and not manipulative. 

Towards that last bit, he starts to protest. No, you should talk to me. It’s ok to be emotional - I don’t know. I can’t remember all of it. Because it so wen’t against everything he had said previously. And even if Brett really did believe it was ok to be emotional, the real pain came from him not wanting me to be emotional with him. So I finish, as I’m too far gone anyway, 

“When you’re alone it’s safe. That’s the only time it’s safe”

He just says, that’s not true. It’s the only thing he sounds sure about, the only thing he seems to really want me to know. But I still don’t believe it. Even today, right now, I don’t believe it.

I whisper one last I’m sorry, because that’s all I’m made of at this point. I’m just a pretty, toned girl, balancing her diet to a T and running 3, 4, 5 miles every day in a desperate bid for control. I’ve burned away all the fluff and the top layers of stinging anxiety, but then all I’m left with is this. This useless hole of I’m sorrys. 

He says, don’t apologize. 

I have nightmares all night and keep finding myself awake and sweating over and over again. Finally, it’s a normal hour. Alarms sound, are snoozed..and we’re holding each other. If nothing else, we’ve nailed this moment every morning for the past 9 months. He showers and I walk the dog, a favor to him, it’s clear. I ask what he’s doing tonight. If we can try again. I can make dinner, I can make it up to him. I know I was lame, that last night didn’t go as planned. But let me show you what I truly want this to be, what we both know it is beyond the confusion and doubt.

He’s already having dinner with his other friend, he says. Last night was the night to do it. 

And just like that, I’m empty again. And just like that, I’m arrested by the only response I know, the only thing that fills me up. “I’m sorry.”

And again, he contradicts himself - don’t be sorry, don’t worry about it, it’s not your fault.

We walk outside, he kisses me goodbye, says I love you. I kiss him back, and say anything. I don’t think he notices. He tells me to have a good day. I say you too. He says sure gunna be a great day, with so much bitterness and sarcasm it knocks me - not to reality, but instead to opportunity. This is where I get to be cool. This is where I get to remind him. So I say, Of course babe you’re going to have an awesome day! The warmth in my voice surprises even me. 

Like a car that blasts hot air into your face after you’ve just escaped the seething cold outside. A fleeting, blanketing cozy, that you know will disappear as soon as you open the door, or a window.

He’s respondent to it - “Yeah! I mean, probably. Yeah should be alright.” It’s something. I remind him to let me know if his friend cancels, he says he will, and it feels ok. I’m white knuckling it. But I’m still not crying, or begging. 

And then I left. And I went home. And I started writing this. And suddenly 15 ferocious minutes passed, and I knew I was going to be late for work. So I saved it and I drove fast, and for the first time before my very fancy job, I hotboxed my car. A 7 eleven stop came next, for eyedrops. I put my bra on, lipstick, concealer, bronzer. I look alive. I feel numb. I feel alone, but mostly, I feel safe.