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dweemeister · 6 years

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My alternative 90th Academy Awards

So here’s another annual tradition... my alternative Oscars ceremony. This is what this Sunday’s Oscars would look like if I – and I alone – stuffed the ballots and decided on all of the nominations and winners. Non-English language films are accompanied by their nation of origin (in FIFA three-letter code).

90th Academy Awards – March 4, 2018 Dolby Theatre – Hollywood, Los Angeles, California Host: Jimmy Kimmel Broadcaster: ABC

Best Picture: LADY BIRD

The Breadwinner, Anthony Leo, Tomm Moore, Andrew Rosen, and Paul Young (Cartoon Saloon/GKIDS)

Call Me by Your Name, Peter Spears, Luca Guadagnino, Emilie Georges, Rodrigo Teixeira, Marco Morabito, James Ivory, and Howard Rosenman (Sony Pictures Classics)

Coco, Darla K. Anderson (Pixar/Walt Disney)

Dunkirk, Emma Thomas and Christopher Nolan (Warner Bros.)

Faces Places (FRA), Rosalie Varda (Le Pacte/Cohen Media Group)

The Florida Project, Sean Baker, Chris Bergoch, Kevin Chinoy, Andrew Duncan, Alex Saks, Francesca Silvestri, and Shih-Ching Tsou (A24)

Lady Bird, Scott Rudin, Eli Bush, and Evelyn O’Neil (A24)

Phantom Thread, Paul Thomas Anderson, Megan Ellison, JoAnne Sellar, and Daniel Lupi, (Focus/Universal)

The Post, Steven Spielberg, Kristie Macosko Krieger, and Amy Pascal (20th Century Fox)

The Shape of Water, Guillermo del Toro and J. Miles Dale (Fox Searchlight Pictures)

Out of the running in real life are Darkest Hour, Three Billboards, and Get Out. And taking the maximum of ten spots, in their place enter The Breadwinner, Coco, Faces Places, The Florida Project. That’s two animated movies, a documentary, and a neglected critical darling... come at me? I was lukewarm over Darkest Hour, pissed off over Three Billboards, and I honestly don’t think Get Out is as effective a horror movie or a commentary on racial relations that it wants to be.

Lady Bird would be my winner, with Phantom Thread your runner-up and either Faces Places or The Shape of Water as your third spot. For Lady Bird, it would be harder to find a movie with as much empathy as it this calendar year. Maybe not the most technically gifted filmmaking of the nominees, but it accomplishes its conceit with an open ear and an open heart. Bravo.

I noticed that I don’t have time to write on all the Best Picture nominees anymore, like in years past. I only got to Dunkirk and The Post – both of which are on the outside looking in.

Best Director

Guillermo del Toro, The Shape of Water

Greta Gerwig, Lady Bird

Christopher Nolan, Dunkirk

Dee Rees, Mudbound

Agnès Varda and JR, Faces Places

CONTROVERSY. Dee Rees nominated in Director, but Mudbound isn’t nominated for Picture! In all honesty, I couldn’t find the excuse to nudge Mudbound out for any of the nominees I placed above. But to focus on the positive, del Toro is going to make it three Mexican Best Director winners in the last four years... that is exhilarating. Nolan is my close second choice here, and falters a bit because I didn’t personally enjoy the structure of Dunkirk all that much.

Best Actor

Timothée Chalamet, Call Me by Your Name

Daniel Day-Lewis, Phantom Thread

Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out

Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour

Andy Serkis, War for the Planet of the Apes

No CMBYN fans, there will not be any justice for you on my blog either. Because the best performance of the year by an actor of a leading role was done in motion capture... it was Andy Serkis as Caesar in War for the Planet of the Apes. It’s been high time to honor Serkis in what is his best work – aside from his performances as Gollum – to date.

Best Actress

Ahn Seo-hyun, Okja

Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water

Frances McDormand, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Saoirse Ronan, Lady Bird

Meryl Streep, The Post

The quieter performances aren’t going to win at this year’s Oscars. McDormand’s flashier performance in Three Billboards will overshadow Hawkins’ nuanced, silent performance in SoW. That’s wrong to me, as I think Hawkins does so much physically that is so taxing for any actor that would dare take a role like that. South Korean child actress Ahn Seo-hyun just sneaks in for Okja.

Best Supporting Actor

Willem Dafoe, The Florida Project

Woody Harrelson, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Richard Jenkins, The Shape of Water

Bob Odenkirk, The Post

Christopher Plummer, All the Money in the World

My least favorite acting category this year. So I’ll toss it to Dafoe for The Florida Project... who, on Sunday, is probably going to lose to a flashier performance in Sam Rockwell for Three Billboards (who shouldn’t have been nominated). Plummer and Odenkirk are in a close battle for second.

Best Supporting Actress

Mary J. Blige, Mudbound

Tiffany Haddish, Girls Trip

Allison Janney, I, Tonya

Lesley Manville, Phantom Thread

Laurie Metcalf, Lady Bird

This is Manville v. Metcalf for me. And for playing the deeply layered, deeply conflicted, tough-love mother in Lady Bird, this has to be Metcalf for me. It is ta transcendent supporting actress performance. And yes, I snuck Tiffany Haddish in here... because why not?

Best Adapted Screenplay

James Ivory, Call Me by Your Name

Scott Neustadter and Michael H. Weber, The Disaster Artist

Scott Frank, James Mangold, and Michael Green, Logan

Dee Rees and Virgil Williams, Mudbound

Aaron Sorkin, Molly’s Game

If I ran the Oscars, the 89-year-old James Ivory wouldn’t have won an Oscar by now either. I hate to type that, but timing is a funny thing! Fate and time are funny things, aren’t they? This category isn’t close. Dee Rees makes history as the first nominated black woman in this category!

Best Original Screenplay

Paul Thomas Anderson, Phantom Thread

Sean Baker and Chris Bergoch, The Florida Project

Greta Gerwig, Lady Bird

Liz Hannah and Josh Singer, The Post

Jordan Peele, Get Out

I’ve already commented how much I think Get Out is more flawed a movie than most believe. This comes down to Anderson and Gerwig for me... and my Best Picture winner, I think, is blessed with the screenplay of the year for capturing a time, a place, and its characters at a certain point in their lives so wonderfully.

Best Animated Feature

The Breadwinner (Cartoon Saloon/GKIDS)

Coco (Pixar/Walt Disney)

The Girl Without Hands, France (Shellac/GKIDS)

Loving Vincent (Next Film/Good Deed Entertainment)

Mary and the Witch’s Flower, Japan (Studio Ponoc/GKIDS)

SHOCKER. For me, I was considering a tie in this category (which has happened six times in Academy Awards history... so I guess I have to save it for once every fifteen ceremonies or something) between Breadwinner (write-up) and Coco (write-up). This would be Cartoon Saloon’s first win in my alternate universe... in that same alternative universe for 2009, The Secret of Kells would’ve lost to Up; for 2014, Song of the Sea would’ve lost to eventual Best Picture winner The Tale of the Princess Kaguya.

Coco fans, don’t despair though. Keep reading... because your movie isn’t going home empty-handed.

I totally disrespected Ferdinand and Boss Baby didn’t I?

Best Documentary Feature

Abacus: Small Enough to Jail (Kartemquin Films/Public Broadcasting Service)

Faces Places, France (Le Pacte/Cohen Media Group)

Jane (National Geographic)

LA92 (National Geographic)

Last Men in Aleppo (Aleppo Media Center/Larm Film/Grasshopper Film)

I don’t think this would be Agnès Varda’s first Oscar in my alternative universe? I’ll get to doing the 1960s someday. :P

Best Foreign Language Film

Faces Places, France

The Insult, Lebanon

Loveless, Russia

Mary and the Witch’s Flower, Japan

The Square, Sweden

Best Cinematography

Roger Deakins, Blade Runner 2049

Janusz Kaminski, The Post

Rachel Morrison, Mudbound

Jonathan Ricquebourg, The Death of Louis XIV (FRA)

Hoyte Van Hoytema, Dunkirk

Morrison makes history by being the first female nominee in this category and as its first winner. Sorry Roger Deakins! You probably would’ve won earlier in my alternative universe anyways.

Best Film Editing

Michael Kahn, The Post

Paul Machliss and Jonathan Amos, Baby Driver

Gregory Plotkin, Get Out

Lee Smith, Dunkirk

Sidney Wolinsky, The Shape of Water

Best Original Musical*

M.M. Keeravani, Baahubali 2: The Conclusion

Robert Lopez and Kristen Anderson-Lopez, Coco

Benj Pasek and Justin Paul, The Greatest Showman

*NOTE: Best Original Musical – known previously as several other names – exists in the Academy’s rulebooks, but requires activation from the music branch given that there are enough eligible films. To qualify, a film must have no fewer than five original songs. This category was last activated when Prince won for Purple Rain (1984).

You know, this might change some day if I sit down and watch Baahubali 2. I’ve listened to the soundtrack, but I haven’t seen the songs in context. Sorry Indian cinema fans! Coco fans must be getting mighty mad at me for now... but Coco’s musical score – outside of two original songs (“Remember Me” and “Proud Corazón”) and one non-original song (“La Llorana”) – isn’t the best out of context. The Greatest Showman – I think Pasek and Paul are far better lyricists than they are composers (and yes, that’s a problem) – has songs that do very well in and out of context, and takes the win in this category.

Best Original Score

Alexandre Desplat, The Shape of Water

Alexandre Desplat, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Michael Giacchino, War for the Planet of the Apes

John Williams, The Post

John Williams, Star Wars: The Last Jedi

It really comes down to Valerian, Apes, and Jedi. And in this titanic battle over science fiction and space opera, it is Desplat for the much-maligned Valerian taking the Oscar home. The score combines seamlessly enormous orchestral and electronic elements to a degree that I haven’t heard from Desplat yet. It barely edges Williams for The Last Jedi... which benefits from some of Williams’ best action scoring in years and a repackaging of older themes in ways showing off the dexterity of the maestro. Giacchino is third, with Desplat for SoW in fourth, and The Post in fifth. Jonny Greenwood for Phantom Thread is the first man out.

Best Original Song

“Mighty River”, music by Raphael Saadiq; lyrics by Mary J. Blige, Saadiq, and Taura Stinson, Mudbound

“A Million Dreams”, music and lyrics by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul, The Greatest Showman

“Mystery of Love”, music and lyrics by Sufjan Stevens, Call Me by Your Name

“Remember Me (Recuérdame)”, music and lyrics by Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez, Coco

“This Is Me”, music and lyrics by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul, The Greatest Showman

Also proudly the winner of the 2017 Movie Odyssey Award for Best Original Song (some of you know what that means), “Remember Me (Recuérdame)” has everything you want – interesting musicality (even though I still think that descending line, which begins with “For ever if I’m far away / I hold you in my heart” sounds far more like something Randy Newman would compose than something distinctly Mexican) meaningful lyrics, layers of meaning within the movie it comes from, and a life of its own when separated from that movie.

Showstopper “This Is Me” comes a distant second, with the others in a scrum for crumbs. I really like “A Million Dreams”, though. My sister will take me to task over how much I enjoyed The Greatest Showman’s soundtrack (which I enjoyed despite finding it musically uninteresting).

Best Costume Design

Jacqueline Durran, Beauty and the Beast

Jen Wasson, The Beguiled

Nina Avramovic, The Death of Louis XIV

Mark Bridges, Phantom Thread

Luis Sequeira, The Shape of Water

Best Makeup & Hairstyling

Kazuhiro Tsuji, David Malinowski, and Lucy Sibbick, Darkest Hour

John Blake and Camille Friend, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Neal Scanlan and Peter King, Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Thi Thanh Tu Nguyen and Félix Puget, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Arjen Tuiten, Wonder

Best Production Design

Dennis Gassner and Alessandra Querzola, Blade Runner 2049

Jim Clay and Rebecca Alleway, Murder on the Orient Express

Paul Denham Austerberry, Shane Vieau, and Jeff Melvin, The Shape of Water

Hugues Tissandier, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Aline Bonetto and Dominic Hyman, Wonder Woman

Best Sound Editing

Mark Mangini and Theo Green, Blade Runner 2049

Richard King and Alex Gibson, Dunkirk

Al Nelson and Steve Slanec, Kong: Skull Island

Matthew Wood and Ren Klyce, Star Wars: The Last Jedi

James Mather, Wonder Woman

Best Sound Mixing

Julian Slater, Tim Cavagin, and Mary H. Ellis, Baby Driver

Ron Bartlett, Doug Hemphill, and Mac Ruth, Blade Runner 2049

Mark Weingarten, Gregg Landaker, and Gary A. Rizzo, Dunkirk

Christian Cooke, Brad Zoern, and Glen Gauthier, The Shape of Water

David Parker, Michael Semanick, Ren Klyce, and Stuart Wilson, Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Best Visual Effects

John Nelson, Gerd Nefzer, Paul Lambert, and Richard R. Hoover, Blade Runner 2049

Scott Fisher and Andrew Jackson, Dunkirk

Ben Morris, Mike Mulholland, Neal Scanlan, and Chris Corbould, Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Scott Stokdyk and Jérome Lionard, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Joe Letteri, Daniel Barrett, Dan Lemmon, and Joel Whist, War for the Planet of the Apes

Best Documentary Short

Edith+Eddie (Kartemquin Films)

Heaven Is a Traffic Jam on the 405 (Frank Stiefel)

Heroine(e) (Requisite Media/Netflix)

Knife Skills (Thomas Lennon Films)

Traffic Stop (Q-Ball Productions/HBO Films)

My omnibus review of this year’s nominees can be read here.

Best Live Action Short

DeKalb Elementary (Reed Van Dyk)

The Eleven O’Clock (FINCH)

My Nephew Emmett (Kevin Wilson, Jr.)

The Silent Child (Slick Films)

Watu Wote: All of Us, Germany/Kenya (Ginger Ink Films/Hamburg Media School)

My omnibus review of this year’s nominees can be read here.

Best Animated Short

Dear Basketball (Glen Keane Productions)

In a Heartbeat (Ringling College of Art and Design)

Lou (Pixar/Walt Disney)

Revolting Rhymes (Magic Light Pictures/Triggerfish Animation Studios/BBC)

World of Tomorrow Episode Two: The Burden of Other People’s Thoughts (Bitter Films)

My omnibus review of this year’s nominees can be read here. I took out Negative Space and Garden Party for my winner In a Heartbeat and World of Tomorrow Episode Two. If you haven’t seen In a Heartbeat yet... first, where the hell have you been? Under a rock? Here’s the link.

Academy Honorary Awards: Agnès Varda, Charles Burnett, Donald Sutherland, and Owen Roizman

Special Achievement Academy Award: Alejandro González Iñárritu, Flesh and Sand

MULTIPLE NOMINEES (22) Nine: The Shape of Water Seven: Dunkirk; The Post Six: Phantom Thread Five: Blade Runner 2049; Lady Bird; Mudbound; Star Wars: The Last Jedi Four: Call Me by Your Name; Coco; Faces Places; Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets Three: The Florida Project; Get Out; The Greatest Showman; War for the Planet of the Apes Two: Baby Driver; The Breadwinner; Darkest Hour; The Death of Louis XIV; Mary and the Witch’s Flower; Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri; Wonder Woman

WINNERS 4 wins: The Shape of Water 3 wins: Lady Bird 2 wins: Dunkirk; Faces Places; Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets; War for the Planet of the Apes 1 win: The Breadwinner; Call Me by Your Name; Coco; DeKalb Elementary; The Florida Project; The Greatest Showman; In a Heartbeat; Knife Skills; Mudbound; Phantom Thread

16 winners from 25 categories. 45 feature-length films and 15 short films were represented.

Questions? Comments? Personal attacks? Fire away!

#90th Academy Awards #Oscars #31 Days of Oscar

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funface2 · 5 years

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How Nikki Glaser Writes Roast Jokes – Vulture

Nikki Glaser. Photo-Illustration: Vulture and Photo by Getty Images

This interview originally ran in October 2018. We are rerunning it in anticipation of Nikki Glaser’s appearance on the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.

Roast jokes are deceptive little things. They tend to be very short, very to the point. But they’re often weeks and weeks in the making. Beyond the writing staff tasked with amassing a pile of jokes to be divided among the celebrity members of a Comedy Central dais, every comedian involved is writing essentially nonstop, as well receiving a fairly constant stream of joke-ideas from comic friends. A comedian will then run the jokes over and over again at clubs around the city, as they would for any other TV set. So, when you see Nikki Glaser prove herself as one of the absolute best ever roasters on the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis, you can be certain that every one of those jokes has been considered and reworked ad nauseam.

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Glaser’s set is the subject of this week’s episode of Good One, Vulture Comedy’s podcast about jokes and the people who write them. Listen to the episode and read a short excerpt of the discussion about a few of Glaser’s best jokes below. Tune in to Good One every Monday on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Good One

A Podcast About Jokes

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[From the Roast of Rob Lowe, to Ann Coulter] “The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican that digs your grave.”

I wanted to go hard on Ann Coulter. Amy [Schumer] was the one that was really like, “Hey, you have a chance here. Just say what everyone wants to. Just go hard on her. Go harder than you want to go.” I really took that to heart and was like, “I will, because what do I have to lose?” If I want to stand out, that’s a great way to stand out.

Then that joke was pitched to me by Mike Lawrence, who is a great roast joke writer and roaster. He’s won Roast Battle. It was pitched to me while I was in the makeup chair right before we were going on, because they were like, “Here’s some jokes no one’s doing that the writer’s room came up with.” Mike really believed in it and I trust Mike. And everyone in my trailer at the time was like, “Oh, my God, that joke.”

I didn’t like the joke because I didn’t like throwing Mexicans under the bus in a joke that is supposed to be like them saying “fuck you” to her. It didn’t need to be a Mexican. It could’ve just been the person who digs your grave and it would’ve still been a good joke. I get it, it’s like she hates Mexicans, so a Mexican might maybe [would] relish the fact that they get to dig her grave more, but it also is saying that Mexicans dig graves more than white people. I didn’t like that sentiment of it.

I kind of cringe every time it’s brought up as representative of me as a comedian, because I could’ve been called out for being racist in that joke that was supposed to be going against someone who is blatantly racist. It’s not my favorite joke, but I’m grateful for it. A lot of times as a celebrity or anyone who is in the spotlight, you get thrust into the spotlight for something that you were like, “I almost didn’t even say that,” or, “I regretted saying that at the time.” I’m grateful for it. It’s not like I don’t like the joke. I did it. I don’t want to insult Mike Lawrence, who wrote the joke, but it’s not my favorite joke. It’s just the meanest thing to say, and sometimes you need to say that to Ann Coulter. I just wish it didn’t throw Mexicans under the bus.

“Kevin Pollak is here. Such an amazing actor … I know Kevin as one of the greatest impressionists of all time. I’m a huge fan. My favorite of his is, umm … he does an amazing Robin Williams. I just wish you would finish it … Listen, all I’m saying is that we’ve lost a lot of greats to suicide recently, and it’s time we lose some okays.”

That was my favorite joke. Man, it had a longer ending, too, that I had to chop off. I was like, “No, but seriously, your loved ones will miss you. And ‘by your loved ones,’ I mean your assortment of hats.” I go, “Don’t leave a note. Just print off your IMDb page.” Like, it just went on and on. It was so mean.

Someone had written a joke that he’s an impressionist and he does a Robin Williams impression. They didn’t write [this] joke, but [theirs] had mentioned it. I was like, Oh, really? Then I was like, There’s my ticket to a suicide joke. When I wrote, “We’ve lost a lot of greats, but it’s time to lose some okays,” that was just one that I was like, That is one of my favorite jokes I’ve ever written. Just it’s so insane to tell someone to kill themselves. Twice. Really lean into it.

I wanted to acknowledge it. This is the thing. Anthony Bourdain had just killed himself. Kate Spade had just killed herself. It was in the zeitgeist. I was like, I know this is going to get a huge groan. I know people are going to be talking about it and saying how insensitive it is that I would say that. But I talk a lot about suicide in my act. I think a lot about suicide. I’m a depressed person. I have dark thoughts about it. I feel like if I don’t talk about it and if I don’t lean into it, then it’s winning. I want to acknowledge it more.

I was running this joke around town and I remember one time a girl in the front row was like, “Not cool.” I go, “Oh, have you lost someone to suicide?” She’s like, “Yeah.” I go, “So has everyone. Everyone!” I go, “The only person that can get offended by a joke about suicide is someone who committed suicide. And guess what? None of those people are here tonight, so shut up.” I have lost loved ones. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts. I really feel, like, more entitled to that joke than any joke. I probably should feel less entitled to it, to be honest, because it’s the meanest one.

I got a lot of backlash for it, but then I realized, I know that Robin Williams would think that’s funny. I just know. I had never met him, but I just know that he would think that’s funny, because it’s funny.

“I’m a huge fan and my mom is an even bigger fan. My mom has learned everything from Martha Stewart, including cooking, cleaning, and withholding affection.”

I didn’t even plan on doing that joke. That was not in the prompter, but I had been working on it all week. It just was one of the ones cut right before. Then she wasn’t that nice to me backstage right before we went on. Like I could just tell she was as cold as I thought she was. I had thought, Certainly she’s not as cold as I’m writing all these jokes out to be, and then she was, and I was like, I’ve got to do that joke, because there is so much truth in that joke on every level, and I just witnessed it backstage.

I was scared to even look at Cybill Shepherd after I got offstage, but she came up to me and gave me the biggest hug and was like, “You were amazing.” I was just like looking at Martha like, Where’s my love, Martha? She didn’t even say “good job” — that old bitch.

“I’m just not a big fan of action movies. I don’t know. I’ve never seen one of your films … consensually. Like it’s always something a guy puts on when he’s trying to finger me on his roommate’s couch. Maybe I didn’t understand The Fifth Element. And it isn’t because I’m a dumb girl. But it’s hard to follow that plot when you’re fighting off a roofie and there’s a knuckle inside you.”

I wanted to write to women who have been fingered on a couch to his movies. That joke was really written about The Usual Suspects. At first, it started out as a joke about all the men — Kevin Pollak is in Usual Suspects; Edward Norton, Fight Club; Bruce Willis, The Fifth Element. These are all movies that I watched because I was about to hook up with a guy. I was like, There’s something there.

The more I talked to women, I’m like, “Yeah, this is a thing. It’s a movie the guy puts on.” I wanted to say that I’ve gotten fingered to these movies: “I just watch the screen dead-eyed as I’m being fingered.” Like I’ve watched scenes and not known what’s happening because I’m trying to deal with what’s maybe happening to me.

The thing is, the sex act is consensual. Those are all consensual, but the movies themselves always felt like, I don’t want to watch this, but okay. So, it felt of-the-times to say that. It felt true. Like I didn’t want to watch those movies, and I had to, and I still don’t want to watch them. They’re still movies I see all the time, for men.

That just was one of those jokes. I literally wrote “I’ve never seen one of your movies consensually,” as that was me getting to a point, but that just got a laugh out of nowhere. I was like, Oh, is that funny? I didn’t even know. Sometimes you write a joke as a comedian and you go, Why is that funny? It’s just truth.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

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from Funface https://funface.net/best-jokes/how-nikki-glaser-writes-roast-jokes-vulture/

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