#kinda sucks compared to my usual stuff but im just experimenting so its fine

[thespiffiestone]

[bumofthewild]

How did you came up with your style?

hmmmm my style journey was something like this: 

i used to try painting bc there was this artist whose painting style i really liked but i wasnt too good at it and didnt enjoy doing it that much, and i was never really happy with the results because i’d look at that persons art and compare it to mine very often. comparing is a very bad habit that i still have and that most people probably have. i am on the slow path to trying to get rid of it by using tumblr/twitter less. around that time i decided to switch from photoshop to clip studio paint because i decided that using photoshop was more like a chore than it was fun. i used the opportunity of starting afresh and switching to a new program to just draw without thinking too hard about it/experiment with different brushes and i found that i leaned more towards drawing in a flat, cartoony kind of way. you can draw influenced by other people, but there’s also a “style” that just comes naturally to you. everyone has one i think. i didn’t accept it though bc i was so bent on painting like someone else. so around that time i flip flopped between painting and messing around with a cartoony style, and realized that because the cartoony one was more something i would do (as opposed to copying someone else), those drawings always had a lot more soul to them and were more fun. then i found another artist whose style i really liked. i wish i didnt feel better when i see someone else doing something, rather than just accepting when i do something. its normal and human but yknow, kinda sucks. so seeing an artist have a more toony style when a lot of artists online have a more anime one made me feel better about really trying a toonier, flat style. my art just turned out better that way and i really did like it more. around this time i still experimented a lot because i didnt learn technique or anything, i just fiddled around with whatever brushes or style seemed interesting at the time and did whatever. i think that advice where you learn proper drawing techniques first before developing style is important, but ive always been a lot more concerned with style and i think i can afford to because im just a hobbyist and not someone looking to get a professional art career. and because art can be whatever you want :)

by late 2018 i got into octopath and my octopath stuff started getting some traction so i started to draw a lot more consistently with the cartoony style. fanart i made in this style got me more notes, it was easier and quicker for me to draw this way (therefore i could produce ~content~ faster), and i found it fun. so i’d say that aspect of my style stuck around after all the experimenting i used to do before. dont get hung up on notes though usually during any times where i feel stressed, i start to flip flop with my art style again. ill start to use really simple tools like drawpile or a binary tool, which are easier on me mentally, and it forces me to really think about what my art looks like without any fancier brushes or effects behind it. i cant say im too satisfied with my art when i do that because of what i said about not learning proper technique, but its fine lol 💀 rn im always frustrated at my lack of understanding of really good anatomy. you really cant avoid the practice if you want something and ive always wanted really good lines and anatomy but am unwilling to do the work for them, so my style also involves a lot of skirting around doing practice/studies haha, bc i just want to enjoy drawing in the moment..... another issue is that i basically also want every art style in the world. i mean these feelings are normal ofc but they are annoying. a lot of how i come up with something involves looking at something someone else has done and then doing my own thing with it. this is also normal. but i definitely dont mean that you should look at someones art style and try to directly copy and accept that as your own art. because you cannot and shouldnt be someone else! so its not good for you and because thats someone elses work! people are always arguing about what constitutes being influenced by someone vs. just stealing someones art, but i think theres a clear line you can draw. i think if you like something you can have it, but you have to make it yours and accept what makes it yours. for example, if you like the way someone uses bright colours in their work, use bright colours. but dont use the colour picker tool on their work or use the bright colours schemes they do or in a way you think that they would. dont try to embody someone else when you make something. take the time to experiment with “bright colours” as a concept and figure out something that you like for yourself.  2019-2020 i still draw basically in any way i feel like, but i got more confident about my skills (thats prob why technique is important) so i can now push drawing a bit further. for example i am now able to execute a brush id wanted to use since 2018 a lot better and now i use it all the time, when i’d given up on using it back then. currently im back in my phase where im experimenting with my style again and just do whatever. usually i do that when im stressed LOL so rn im more focused on incorporating many different things that i like independently of art, that i believe can all still constitute part of my style: for example with this drawing recently ive been into more textured brushes, bright reds, messy and unplanned lines, pink, and hearts. all of those things together can make up a “style” i think because style is just what you do and like to do imo. you can see it here too, textured brushes, pink, messy lines, hearts, bright red etc.  sorry i always give long answers to these things. i dont know much about actual art techniques or something youd get at an art school, so my way of going at it has always been kind of haphazard and involves more feeling and experimenting rather than being particularly intentional, and thats the only way i really know how to explain it. this is more like a long context for what i think are the important points: do what you like with what you draw, its no good if what youre doing isnt fun. i like messy art and flat and shapely images with thicker lines. so my art style is literally just what i like at random. social media is good for exposing you to a lot of art that you can use as a reference for inspiration and influence. for example i keep a blog where i reblog art that inspires me or has something i want to try. but too much social media is bad because you’ll be bogged down by art you think other people want to see as well as art you literally cannot achieve because as i said before you cant be someone else, and you shouldnt want to be someone else. you have to be real about it. really detailed art for example im just bad at and it isnt good for me to look at other peoples art and want to do something like that if im not going to put in the work, but cartoony art i like and am able to achieve happily. i look around first and gather all the things i like and then i fiddle around with it, something like that. it takes time

[tempestuous-cosplay]

just cuz

Ask me these probing NSFW questions ‘cuz I’m bored

SEXYTIMES EXPERIENCES

1. How many people have you had sex with?

13? somewhere around there.

2. Can you remember the names of everyone you’ve slept with?

if I try hard enough, yeah, but off the cuff, no

3. With whom did you first do the sexytimes? Was it good?

My first Bf, and hahahaha no. Not at all.

4. What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?

a close friend and i took MDMA and fucked for, like, 4 hours and it was lovely.

5. What’s the worst sex you’ve ever had?

this guy i banged in collage who was just bony, small, boring, and ignored me after.

6. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve had sex?

In a tent? Or the time in a church.

7. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve masturbated?

I don't have any fun or interesting stories about that.

8. Have you ever been caught doing the sexytimes?

NOPE

9. If you masturbate, when did you start, and how?

around middle school or early highschool but it was very rare bc i didn't get much from it. But the first time I actually orgasmed was when I hit 22 and got on T. then jacking it became a regular thing.

10. Have you ever been caught masturbating?

My dad walked in right before I was about to get started. that was the worst.

QUEER SHIT

11. How would you describe your sexuality using only adjectives (describing words–busy, fluffy, squishy, etc.)?

weird and complicated but friendly

12. Have you ever been in a queer relationship?

a solid 95% of my relationships have been queer. Only 1 wasn't.

13. Have you ever been in a straight relationship?

Just one. Gross

14. How and when did you realise you weren’t straight?

the moment i knew it was something that was possible. so very early.

15. Are you out to everyone you know?

p much

16. Where do you meet queer folks to date? Do you find it difficult?

I don't really date. But I made my friends through cosplay and then by meeting their friends and it just keeps going.

17. If your parents know about your sexuality, how did they react?

They always knew. I never really "Came out". I have p chill parents

18. Does your best friend know about your sexuality? How did they react?

Duh. I've slept with a number of them.

19. Describe your first queer kiss.

Much better than my first straight kiss.

20. What’s the queerest shit you’ve ever done?

My queer platonic partner :3

LET’S GET PHYSICAL

21. Are you happy with your body?

happier than i was and on my way to making it exactly how I want. Tho i do wish I was taller.

22. What’s the raddest part of your bod, and why?

my eyes are very pretty

23. What do you do with your body hair (pubes, underarms, legs, etc.)?

I don't do jack shit. Im lazy

24. Do you have stretch marks? Where?

Some where my tits used to be, inner thighs, and my love handles.

25. Describe your nipples in too much detail.

theyre kinda lopsided bc of how they were reattached during top surgery. the right one is super sensitive to touch and its kinda painful bc NERVE DAMAGE and the left one is totally numb

26. (Vagina-owners) Do you have an “innie” (small, tucked-in inner labia), or an “outie” (more visible/larger inner labia)?

supper innie. I, like, don't have an inner labia at all. Its WEIRD

27. (Vagina-owners) Is it very obvious when you’re turned on (swelling, wetness etc.)?

Yeah bc my clit is HUGE now thanks to T. It gets HARD

28. (Penis-owners) Describe the size and shape of your penis. Are you happy with it?

its, like, an inch an a half long and really small :3. I like it

29. (Penis-owners) Have you tasted your own cum? Did you like it?

Yeah, its kinda tart

30. (Breast-owners) How does the size of your breasts compare? Is one bigger than the other?

Back when I had them, the left one was a lil bigger than the right one, but i had huge badonkers. Just MASSIVE. They were nearly perfect, but they were on me, so it was horrible.

SEXUAL FANTASY LAND

31. Describe your most unusual/taboo fantasy.

consensual non-consent in fiction. I don;t think i could do it IRL.

32. Do you fantasise more about real situations, or imaginary/impossible ones?

It fluxuates, but mostly its very fantasy.

33. Who’s the oddest person you’ve fantasised about?

The Devil from The Arcana

34. Do you ever find yourself fantasising absent-mindedly, or is it something you do on purpose?

it fluxtuates, but horny daydreams are common

35. Do you always fantasise while you masturbate?

sometimes, yeah

36. When you fantasise, does it usually lead to masturbation?

it actually doesn't more than it does.

37. Have you ever had sex with someone while fantasising about someone else?

nah

38. Do you have any celebrity crushes that you fantasise about?

Hozier has had more than one sex dream in my head.

39. Have you ever fantasised about something by accident, and felt weird about it after?

oh sure. thats p normal.

40. Describe your most sexy fantasy.

hah, no. THats too much to type.

KINKTOWN USA

41. How do you feel about BDSM?

im fine with it

42. What’s your most unusual kink?

probably being a living sex doll

43. In an SM context, do you prefer giving pain, or receiving it?

Im not the biggest fan of either but I would rather receiving bc im too scared of accidentally really hurting someone

44. Do you consider yourself to be dominant, submissive, both, or neither?

Im a sub leaning switch.

45. Describe your most recent bondage experience.

got tied up in cosplay for a photoshoot.

46. In a BDSM context, have you ever referred to anyone as “daddy,” “mommy,” or any similar term?

nope but i've been called daddy

47. Do you have a kink for any bodily fluids (pee, saliva, blood, tears, cum, etc.)?

cum, blood, and spit to a small degree.

48. Have you ever revealed a kink to someone and had them react negatively?

not yet tbh.

49. Do you have any kinks that you’re ashamed of?

nah, not really

50. How much money have you spent on equipment for your kinks (toys, whips, chains, etc.)?

OOF!!! A good several hundred dollars. Like...... its a fairly high number.

COME FOR THE QUESTIONS, STAY FOR THE SUBHEADINGS

51. (Vagina-owners) Do you ever squirt when you come?

I have a few times!!

52. Have you ever come solely from penetration (anal or vaginal)?

no, that I haven't managed.

53. Can you have an orgasm without your genitals being touched?

HAH I WISH but no

54. Describe how you like your genitals to be touched.

Nice slow strokes on my clit like a dick with some gentle rubbing on the lips.

55. How sensitive are your nipples? Does nipple play turn you on?

One is numb and one is very painful. So no.

56. Do you find it easier to orgasm with another person, or through masturbation?

Jacking it. I almost never cum with a partner. Sex is more for bonding than personal pleasure tbh.

57. Have you ever had an orgasm that you weren’t expecting?

A few times, yeah!!

58. Do you get off easier from rough contact, or gentle?

rough ish??

59. What’s the best orgasm you’ve ever had?

the few times ive squirted.

60. Did it take you a while to have your first orgasm, or were you an early starter?

took until i was 22

ORAL FIXATION

61. Do you enjoy giving oral sex? Why?

YES!! Its a good mouth feel.

62. What’s your favourite position in which to receive oral?

not sure yet.

63. Describe your oral sex technique.

suck and wiggle. suck and wiggle

64. Do you find it easier to give oral to someone with the same genital configuration as you (eg., you both own vaginas/both own penises), or different?

theyre about the same amount of effort for me.

65. Describe the worst oral sex you’ve ever received.

too much teeth.

66. Describe the best oral sex you’ve ever received.

I was..... on some drug or another, can't remember what, and bro, i mELTED

67. Do you ever simulate oral sex while masturbating (sucking on dildos etc.)?

rarely but sometimes

68. How sensitive is your mouth? Is it an erogenous zone, for you?

not much? but its fine

69. Do you like 69ing?

never tried, not super interested

70. Can you deep-throat?

anything smaller than 6" yeah.

EVERYTHING BUTT

71. Do you like it in the butt?

yeah but it takes a lot for me to be willing to do it.

72. What’s the strangest object you’ve had in your butt?

a phallic shaped kite handle (I was young and stupid)

73. Do you enjoy being rimmed?

sure

74. Can you take a lot in your butt, or just a little?

just a lil

75. Describe your most recent experience with buttsex.

I was, again, on drugs a little under a year ago and let my best friend pop that particular cherry.

76. Do you like doing stuff to other people’s butts?

im indifferent leaning on rather not.

77. (Prostate-owners) Have you ever received a prostate massage?

nope

78. Do you own any buttplugs?

nope

79. Have you ever had an embarrassing buttsex experience?

not yet, hopefully never

80. Have you ever pegged someone (ie., worn a strapon and fucked them in the butt)?

not yet

SHARING IS CARING

All questions assume you’ve done group sex of some kind

81. Describe your most recent group sex experience.

got one coming up in about a week? but an orgy at a furry convention.

82. Have you ever had sex with more than two people at once (eg., foursome, moresome)?

sure have

83. Have you ever had an orgy? Would you?

yup, and YUP!!!

84. Do you enjoy watching your partner(s) having sex with others?

ehehehe yeh

85. Do you prefer to arrange group sex beforehand, or allow it to happen organically?

both are fine!

86. Have you ever felt left out during group sex?

nah, im too sexy for that

87. Have you ever done a gangbang (ie., lots of people have sex with one person, but not each other)?

not yet but i WANNA

88. Have you ever teamed up with someone and given a double blowjob/double cunnilingus?

not yet :O,,,, WAIT!!! YEAH I HAVE!!!!

89. Have you ever been penetrated by more than one person at the same time?

not yet but god I wanna

90. Have you ever been ejaculated on by more than one person at the same time?

not yet

**BONUS DARES**

100. Send me $500.

[intergalacthicc]

10/06/18

i havent talked about my new interest of affection. i am writing this now because even if things are way waaaay far from being normal, i just wanted to reminisce the good old days while im still not feeling bitter about it. i am not into mushy stuff and sappy things but here goes. he probably would never even get to read this so lol. 

i was totally fine with being alone. i had a bad case of a heartbreak earlier this year and i was confident with being alone. i’ve learned it the hard way; not seeking for others company to feel secured. but then this soul came out of the blue. it wasnt like at first sight. errrr or should i say that it wasnt like at first virtual conversation. nor the second. or the third. it started out as something purely virtual, yes. we just talked and talked and talked. gradually, though not slowly, i became comfortable with this soul. i am the type of person who feels lowkey anxious with phone calls yet this soul made it so easy for me to talk to him on the phone from 10pm til dawn. it lasted for a few days. then for a week. then for two weeks. slowly, without realizing, it kinda grew into me. he grew into me. 

he was far from my ideal. oh god, he was barely my ideal. hes apathetic, hes not into chivalry, he has a lot of pet peeves, hes detached, he keeps on maintaining this cool headed doesn’t give a damn type of facade, hes too honest, and hes annoying. he had these ear piercings, one he pierced on his own. he smokes more than five times a day. he usually isn’t sober. but then theres this side of him who’s into literature so much, who gets lost in his surroundings the moment he gets so immersed reading a book, who writes his heart out, who writes poetry, who believes in passion (he wouldnt agree on this but i can see it), who loves films and music as much as i do, who loves memes ranging from dank to dark. he was a mix of both good and bad. he was the perfect balance of good and bad. 

this soul made me become more in sync with myself. he taught me the art of saying no. he taught me to say whats on my mind despite the fact that i may hurt other peoples feelings. he taught me not to be too much of a pushover. i guess i may be romanticizing it too much. but thats how i felt. he made me happy. i felt like i was a teenager in her coming of age years all set up for a free fall. i felt butterflies on my stomach. and he said he did too. its crazy. its overwhelming how you can give and receive the same amount of affection from a person. i wasnt asking for him but the universe let us cross paths even for a little while. it mustve meant something. sometimes i wonder why we had to click and vibe easily only for the connection to be taken away from us on such a short notice. if he was given to me only to be a lesson then alright. i guess i have to swallow the fucking pill. i just done get it sometimes. i havent felt this connection throughout my experience. im not even exaggerating it. i havent found someone i can truly be comfortable with. why did it have to end so soon. whyyyy

people say that ill find someone new. that hes not the last person ill feel this connection with. im forced to end it because my parents told me so. it sucks. both of us are so happy yet we had to let go because of all these external forces coming right at us. honestly, im a coward. i cant go through the process of letting go and moving on yet again. i dont know how ill be able to cope this time knowing that this soul grew into me unlike nobody else before. so if the heartbreaks ive went through already hurt so bad, i dont know how this one would. im also scared when the time comes, if the time comes, that ill find a new love, i may end up comparing the rush to this one. no one will make me feel the way he did. 

its crazy. my parents said they will never accept this guy. how could so much love for me hinder me from being genuinely happy? i know this is me being selfish. ive tried the best i can to be the ideal daughter for my parents. i mess up one time and now im not allowed to do anything except to drop the guy. im starting to lose hope that there will ever be any slightest bit of chance for compromise. harsh words have been said already. heavy heavy words have cause hurt and pain. everythings fucked up. it sucks that i cant do anything to fix it. but okay, ill try to get my shit together. ill try.

[tumblunni]

How do I write an autistic villain without demonizing autism by accident? ;-;

I’m not really sure why you’re messaging this to me. I’m really sorry but I’m not an expert on like.. political stuff about autism stereotyping, just because I’m autistic. And it depends on which country you live in, I know that america has a far more visible sort of cultural presence for stereotypes, due to the whole Autism $peaks controversies. I dont live in america and I’m not super smart or anything, so yeah this is a disclaimer that this is just my opinion and you should probably research answers given by other people too. And maybe ask people about the specific circumstances of what you’re writing, like the context of the setting of the story and what the villain is like, etc. I’d be happy to chat to you about that if you need help! (but again, im no expert, lol)

ANYWAY!

My opinion on the subject is that having an autistic villain is perfectly fine, as long as you’re not villainizing autism. Like...* Don’t make the autism the reason theyre a villain.* Don’t make people scared of them because of the autism, rather than because they’re a villain.* Don’t treat their autistic traits as scary or inherantly villainous.* Don’t make anyone insult them for their autism and act like its justified because they’re evil.

And similarly its bad form to do any of that stuff in regard to any sort of minority really. An example that always bugged me is how Excellus from Fire Emblem Awakening is scary and evil because he’s a murderous monster, yet everyone in the game constantly insults him for the fact he acts ambiguously gay/transgender/effeminate. Like, there’s way too many jokes about people finding him ‘disgusting’ because of some random thing he can’t change, like a sexuality, race or mental illness which plenty of non-evil people have too! It also lessens his impact as a villain because the characters barely even address the actual villainous things he does, and he doesnt seem to have any motive at all. They just ride on the whole ‘the audience will find him gross’ thing as a crutch and forgot to bother writing a good villain.

Oh, and your concerns are indeed valid, yo! Sometimes it is important to think about the context you created a character in, even if you didnt intentionally create any negative messages within your writing.It’s just that the case where a character will be seen as villainizing [minority trait] for being a villain... that’s kind of only in a very specific circumstance? its just that this specific circumstance is very very common in mass media nowadays.It’s ‘The Smurfette Principle’.If you only have one character of a minority in your cast, its easy for an uninformed audience to pick up messages that you’re saying ALL members of that minority are the same as them.If you only have one autistic character and he’s the villain, then you might accidentally be villainizing him. In a world where autistic characters being villainized for their autism is already very common, people could just assume you made them autistic for the same reason all those other writers did- because they think it’s ‘scary’. It feeds the stereotype even if you didn’t conciously intend it that way.

So a very very easy way to fix this problem is just to add multiple characters of a minority into your story, filling various roles from villain to hero to helpful npc. or anything you can think of!

Another good quick fix is to have your villain be autistic, but portray their autistic traits as sympathetic/relateable/a humanizing aspect of them. Not just portraying it as something neutral that doesnt make them scary, but going out of your way to add some scenes showing how they’re just like anybody else. Or even making it one of their redeeming traits!It doesn’t have to outright be something like ‘yo being autistic makes me inherantly good and childlike’, which is a stereotype all to itself, lol. But you could show them experiencing predjudice from another character, in a way that makes the audience sympathise. Honestly having a character attack them for being autistic instead of being a villain would be a good way to do this, as long as that character is actually shown as being wrong for what they’re doing. Or simply showing the villain having common autistic traits, facing common problems, doing common everyday things... that can be enough to portray autism positively. Have them shown doing this stuff outside of the situation of them being villainous. It makes them feel more human and less of an abstract symbol of evil. And because these small glimpses of normality are lightening the mood, they become seen as a positive aspect!

KIND OF AN OFFTOPIC TANGEANT SORRYJust my personal experience as an autistic kid experiencing this story... I personally headcanoned Cyrus from pokemon as autistic. Not because he’s ‘scary and emotionless’, but because his backstory was relateable to me as an autistic person. It’s said that his parents were emotionally abusive, and that he had nobody to turn to because everyone thought he was ‘a creepy kid’. And he was able to find solace by obsessing over repairing machines in his bedroom, and apparantly has trouble understanding people because they can’t be fixed as easily. Stuff like maths and science are kind of a stereotypical Special Interest for autistic children to be given in fiction, I guess because it makes you seem more intelligent when you obsess about that instead of video games, norse mythology, or collecting tiny novelty spoons from around the world XD (Yeah i was a weird kid.)So yeah sorry I went a little offtopic there, but the point is that it might have been by accident instead of intention but that villain has a lot of traits that read as autistic. And when i first played Diamond and Pearl I actually disliked him a lot because of that, I felt like they were villainizing someone who seemed relateable and potentially redeemable. I mean, he seemed pretty depressed too! Give that man some therapy! But when I played Platinum and got to learn his backstory I started to feel like the writers actually did want us to feel sympathetic to him, because of how all those ‘scary’ traits were presented so sympathetically. Like.. the backstory isn’t that he became evil because he was an autistic kid who did creepy things like obsess about machinery and suck at social contact. No, he became a villain because he was abused by his parents, him being ‘weird’ is just intended to make it clear here that he didnt deserve it. It makes him pitiable, it makes him relateable, it makes you feel so much more frustrated that nobody listened to him and saved him from that hell, and nobody even seems to remember him fondly, just because he was ‘weird’. And hell, even his ‘emotion is evil’ philosophy seems very relateable to me as an autistic child. It seems like he learned to seclude himself to avoid angering his parents. That’s the impression I got from his final scene in Platinum, where he finally acts angry at you for beating him, then gets angry at himself for expressing emotion and forces himself to go back to how he usually talks. I get a bit pissed off whenever I see fans of the series claim he actually IS emotionless, lol! This scene made it clear to me that this is just a guy who WISHES he was emotionless, somehow seeing it as the only way to be free of pain. Someone who struggles to deal with his own emotions, or feels like he’s disgusting when he expresses them. And this is VERY relateable specifically to an autistic kid who suffered from an abusive parent! “Quiet Hands” is a kind of common concept that autistic kids might experience, that’s the name for a popular ‘parenting technique’ that really fucks people up. Focusing on making your kid never ‘act autistic’, rather than actually helping them understand things. ‘Quiet Hands’ is specifically about slapping or smacking your kid whenever they show stimming behaviour. (Hand flapping being a common way this symptom can manifest.) We’re taught never to be too loud, and to always always have to restrain ourselves to avoid embarassing our parents. We have to try and learn how to act like ‘normal people’ and become scared of harmless parts of our own brain just because theyre ‘embarassing’, leading to even worse emotional problems as an adult. i mean seriously how is it logical to tell a kid who has troubles with social interaction that they shouldnt even practise it?? Plus its a huge mess to teach these kids to do way more emotional labour than neurotypical kids are expected to do, and then treat them like they’re below average intelligence for not being able to do twice as much as everyone else...

ANYWAY! That’s a thinG! Sorry I went rambling off there about how a particular fictional character touched my heart, lol!I just kinda wish he could be canonically autistic, or if I had similar canonically autistic characters to relate to, instead. So i think having more autistic villains can’t be bad, we’re so badly in need of more autistic characters in general! And villains have a unique perspective of being able to hit our emotions the hardest. I think its easier to cry over someone who has a sad backstory of how they became evil, compared to anything else!So yeah what I was trying to say before I went offtopic is that if the backstory is ‘became evil because autism’, then people will complain. But if the backstory is ‘became evil because someone mistreated them because autism’ then that’s a good way to make people sympathise with autism. Aaaaand I’m bad at explaining this, because autism XD Well, i mean, my personal symptoms and lack of diagnosis til I was an adult means that I’m still working on learning how to communicate correctly, I don’t mean every autistic person writes terrible tl;dr advice posts that degrade into pokemon XDOh man i feel embarassed now, you asked me such a polite question and I didnt know how to answer it very well...I just hope maybe I inspired you to go out and do more research, rather than putting you off with my nonsense!

[catchmeiimfalliing]

tips for self-confidence?

if any of y’all have some advice or words of wisdom they’d be appreciated right now. boring blabber under the cut

Lately I’ve been zoning out a lot and I usually end up ruminating. There’s a TL;DR at the bottom.

and usually i just start thinking about how when I think about it I don’t have any great skills? like i thought i was good at singing but i mean, i can carry a tune fine but nothing special. and my chest tone isn’t great and i dont have a lot of power and i can be pitchy so half the time it doesn’t feel worth it to try

i like playing piano but i never actually learned so even though i can learn stuff eventually it never actually sounds good and i only do it alone bc i fuck up a lot

and i get okay grades i guess but my work ethic is shit and the work is never as good as i want

and anything that i’m kinda good at like im learning german and i do well in hydrology labs and stuff it generally feels really useless around other people bc its so niche and typically no one really cares.

i think im okay at cooking but it doesn’t matter cause i dont usually eat very healthy and also im the pickiest eater in the world so i feel like shit most of the time when i think too hard about food. i wish i liked more stuff but i just get so much anxiety around eating new foods or even worse for stuff ive tried and dont like and that sounds so childish i know and i feel so bad about it but fight or flight kicks in

i dont feel like ive dont anything good or helpful or interesting with my life. like i’m starting to, now, bc im less scared maybe?? like i skate now, and i tried going to the gym, and i might even be willing to go camping this year. but i feel ashamed and sad and embarrassed that i didnt volunteer or get a job in high school and i dont even drive yet because it scares the living shit out of me

and i hear other people like ‘i have this great wardrobe bc i save money and then go and buy things that look good together!!’ and im like i wear cat ears like a fucking freak

i hear people like “oh yeah i worked at this place for a while and learned a lot and now i have these great life skills that helped me get my current job!!” and im like “i sold burgers once.”

and theyre like “oh man i want to change the world” and i just feel so helpless looking at people who have their shit together what with their ambition and their organized sticky notes and their LACK OF DAILY MENTAL BREAKDOWNS and i just feel really worthless compared to everyone else

and to top it all off (they might even see this but hey whatever) i don’t want to just call friends or w/e. i feel like me being like this is just the norm, and that im really fucking annoying for being a whiny little bitch all the time. its like “well damn, Jay’s crying again, what else is new.” and i know they dont really think that but im terrified of being the annoying friend who has too many problems. i’m scared of being all “attention seeking” and like, we all had problems last year and that sucked, but i feel like im the only one still struggling a lot now, and the only one who hasn’t just learned to deal with life

i feel like this all the goddamn time but i dont wanna just go to someone every time im all ~sad~ again. im sick of this but last time i tried to get counseling or whatever it didnt end up helping at all and i don’t know what to do. im trying to just go about my business but it’s hard to get anything done when your crippling mediocrity and existential dread is staring you in the face

the days seem to just pass by, and it’s just a cycle of dreading things and looking forward to things but i’m scared that I’ll never be content with anything or confident in myself.

If you actually read that thank you so much for listening <3 and im sorry to be a drag

TL;DR: i’m frustrated by my lack of experiences or life skills or worthwhile talents and am sad a lot but i’m scared i won’t be able to grow and deal with this and ill be stuck in this anxious spiral that holds me back forever