#lame ass scientists ruining everything ever

[obsessive-writing]

Magic isn't real because scientists are a bunch of pussy ass bitches. We could have protons and electrons be a magic system, we could explain away why the universe works the ways it does as a soft magic system, but noooo we just had to use facts and logic instead of sick ass magic systems with vague terms and explanations about why things work instead of how they worked

[achristmasmovieaday]

A Movie for Christmas Day 2019

Ōgon Batto (The Golden Bat, 1966)

Today’s themes: Capes, Super Destruction Beam Cannons, Machines that go PING!, Theremins, “Holy crap! Earth is in danger!”

Remember when you were a kid and believing you could be the heroes you saw on TV? Me, being old, I have a collection of heroes that I and my brother and his best friend Tony and my best friend Steve would go to the field near our houses (really just a very large vacant dirt lot) and act out all our favorite shows. Star Trek, The Wild Wild West, Flipper, Thunderbirds Are Go, even Lost in Space. They were varying degrees of lame, let’s be honest, with terrible special effects, men in rubber suits pretending to be monsters and villains, cool vehicles, even cooler wardrobes, and overwrought acting and plots ripe for replaying among the tumbleweeds and discarded mattresses as if we were on some amazing outer space planet fighting enemies bent on our destruction.

It’s often hard to remember what that felt like, that we could be heroes as easily as that, but it was mostly because the things we saw were…cheap. Easily mimicked, and simple to make believe into reality using cardboard boxes for lairs and old sheets for capes and ketchup for blood. In a way, computer-generated effects have ruined all that. Films and TV shows look too good now, and take themselves too fucking seriously. What we all need — kids and grown ups alike — is to remember what really crappy, really cool, really outlandish and exciting entertainment was. And in that spirit, I present to you Ōgon Batto (The Golden Bat 1966) in all its original amazing black-and-white glory.

I need to fill you in on some important stuff about Ōgon Batto the character before we dive into Ōgon Batto the motion picture. There is some confusion and learned discourse concerning who is the first superhero, and what a superhero is. For example, is Robin Hood a superhero? He’s certainly a hero, but does anything make him super? He can shoot arrows really well, and that’s all that makes Hawkeye a superhero. Is Black Widow a superhero? She can kick ass really, really well, but she has no super powers. She can’t fly and she can’t melt steel beams with her eyes. Still, it’s generally agreed that the first real superhero debuted in 1931 and was created by Suzuki Ichiro and Takeo Nagamatsu (who was 16 years old at the time), seven years before Superman ever leaped a tall building. Ōgon Batto is an ancient being from Atlantis who was sent forward in time 10,000 years to battle the forces of evil in present day Japan.

Ōgon Batto, the film, is an origin story from Toei Company and stars Sonny Chiba in a skull mask and very awesome cape and collar as the titular hero. The villain of the film, intent on destroying Earth by altering the orbit of planet Icarus and send it crashing into us, is Nazo, “the ruler of the universe,” who is apparently a giant four-eyed rat-squirrel (in the world’s loosest furry rat-squirrel costume) with one mechanical claw hand who really, really enjoys laughing maniacally and being just generally mean. To be fair, The Golden Bat, who appears on an island and must be resurrected from his 10,000-year slumber by pouring water on his chest (pretty simple!), also enjoys laughing maniacally while pointing his walking stick? I think? And flapping his cape about and generally being awesome.

There’s a secret organization that protects the Earth, there’s a super smart scientist who invents the only weapon strong enough to destroy Icarus and ruin Nazo’s evil plans, there’s the scientist’s granddaughter who forms a special bond with Ōgon Batto that super-annoys Nazo, though pretty much everything super-annoys Nazo. That is until he introduces us to his equally evil henchmen, Keloid, Piranha, and Jackal! That’s when things get really intense, what with masquerading as good guys and infiltrating headquarters and using flying submarines and whatnot.

But why spoil any more of this forgotten classic? If this film were rebooted by Michel Gondry today it wouldn’t look any different. The effects are simple but effective, the acting is melodramatic and overwrought, the action is breakneck and involves a lot of running, and I defy any kid of around six years old to watch this and not want to don their own skull mask and walking stick and start kicking alien butt. 

Watch the trailer:

Watch the full movie:

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The completely unnecessary news analysis

by Christopher Smart

December 28, 2021

HOW TO CELEBRATE JAN. 6 FOR REAL PATRIOTS

1 – Get out your buffalo-horn woolly hat, paint your face and chest and run up and down the steps at the Utah Capitol Building screaming, “Freedom! You Mothers. Freedom!”

2 – Get your local militia group to dress in camou and march through City Creek Mall with AR-15 assault rifles calling out, “Nancy, where are you? Oh Nancy, we'll get you.”

3 – Take your megaphone and Confederate battle flag and goose-step around the Federal Building on State Street chanting, “U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.”

4 – Buy some Army surplus flack jackets and some thick rope and tie nooses so you and your patriotic buddies can stand outside of the Jazz game yelling, “Hang Mike Pence. Hang Mike Pence.”

5 – Put on your “Trump Forever” T-shirts and get some baseball bats and bear spray and drive to the east entrance of the Salt Lake County Government Center and chant, “Stop the steal. Stop the steal. Stop the steal.”

6 – Invite the neighbors over and order some pizza and watch Donald Trump's Jan. 6 news conference on your wide-screen where he will tell real Americans that he's still president and to keep hating Democrats and any lame Republicans who won't kiss his rosy-red fascist ass.

JAMES WEBB TELESCOPE TO SEE BACK TO GOD'S CREATION

As all well-informed citizens of Planet Earth know the most sophisticated telescope ever — dubbed James Webb — has been launched into space and will be able to see back to the beginning of everything — some 6,000 years ago. As God-fearing men and women know, Heaven and Earth were created in six days and on the seventh day God rested. Now, NASA scientists will be able to see Adam create Eve out of a rib and then watch as Eve flirts with a snake and eats an apple. They will leave the Garden of Eden and have two sons, Caine and Abel. Soon astronomers will be able to look back and know why Caine killed his brother. Other momentous occasions will be analyzed, such as Noah's Ark. Good Christians know the Almighty told Noah to build an Ark 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high so he could save his family and other creatures from the Great Flood. Until now, scientists have only been able to view the Ark at Williamstown, Kentucky, where there is a life-size replica at Ark Encounter Park, near I-75 at exit 154. James Webb will resolve other issues, too, like dinosaurs were millions of years old — they really went extinct in the Great Flood when Noah could not fit them on the Ark. The meek shall inherit the cosmos — or something like that.

THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS IS OVER — FOR ANOTHER YEAR

Let's just declare victory and get the heck out of here. Unfortunately, the United States didn't do that in Afghanistan after year two when the Taliban and been savaged and on the run. Nonetheless, the strategy might be perfect for the mirage that is the “War on Christmas.” We won. Deck the halls and jingle bells. The late Rush Limbaugh was a champion of fighting the War on Christmas because some people were going around saying, “Happy Holidays” — taking Christ out of Christmas and making it into a holiday for capitalists of all faiths. The nerve. They were even saying “Happy Holidays” in schools and teaching our children anti-Christian stuff, like other people have holidays, too. Trump declared he had won the War on Christmas last month on Newsmax, which was a huge bummer for Fox News, where the talking heads have been beating that drum for as long as Wilson and the band can remember. And if that weren't bad enough, President Biden isn't even talking about the war, according to the Deseret News. At a recent holiday party Biden even said, “Merry Christmas.” It just kind of ruins stuff for folks who want to feel victimized so they can lash out at someone, like that muslim from Kenya, Barack Obama.

Post script — That's a wrap for another year here at Smart Bomb, where we keep looking on the bright side so you don't have to. A lot of media outlets and pundits take a look back at this time of year to remind us of how lucky we are — or not. Actually, there's little news over the holidays, so they do it to fill space. Whatever. There was Covid, Covid, Covid; Jan. 6, Jan. 6, Jan. 6; Impeachment; sex assault; Cuomo; Zillionaires go to space; Afghanistan; Facebook; the drought and a whole bunch of other stuff that gives you headaches. And let's not forget this: The Salt Lake Tribune's Person of the Year, wait for it... The Great Salt Lake. That's right folks, the person of the year is a lake — a shrinking lake at that. Nonetheless, it does symbolize the leadership acumen here in Utah and across the nation. There really are very few problems we can solve these days. Too many guns? Sorry, can't fix it. Lack of universal healthcare? Sorry, can't fix it. Education too expensive? Sorry, can't fix it. Critical Race Theory? Oh, yeah, we can fix that — no more Critical Race Theory in our schools. And so it goes. But take heart, in the immortal words of the late prescient scribe Hunter S. Thompson: “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”

Well Wilson, you and the guys in the band turned pro long ago. So here we go, like it or not, zooming (no pun intended) into a New Year. And we ought to do our best to get off on the right foot. So what do you and your band of brothers have to jump start 2022:

If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing When you're feeling in the dumps, don't be silly chumps Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing, and... Always look on the bright side of life Always look on the bright side of life Life is quite absurd, and death's the final word We must always face the curtain with a bow Forget about your sin, give the audience a grin Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow, so... Always look on the bright side of death Just before you draw your terminal breath Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true You can see it's all a show, keep 'em laughing as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on you, and... Always look on the bright side of life Always look on the bright side of life...

(Always Look On The Bright Side of Life — Bruce Cockburn)

[swearronchanel]

As per request, 2.05

You guys have been so freaking sweet and kind  to me with your feedback since I started making these ridiculous posts, it’s insane but I love it!❣️ I literally started these as a joke because my one friend who watches call the midwife didn’t pick up the phone (and bc I was under the influence whoops hahaha it happens) but now I have so much fun posting every week! I’m sure I won’t stop these any time soon (what will I do when this series is over until Christmas? Yikes lets not talk about it yet)  Anyways @marialujan22 requested I rewatch and post for 2x5 & shit it’s been a while since I’ve watched series 2 but I couldn’t say no! Besides Im in a good mood because I have 10 days till spring break & only like 8 weeks left in the semester so here we go ..

idk if I’m mentally prepared for this

THE BIKE SONG I LOVE IT

“Somewhere far away, scientist we’re working on a magic pill, rumored to make pregnancy a case of choice..” Hell yea birth control, deff a magic pill in my opinion

Crazy that it took 3 series for the pill to become a thing & then there was still lame ass government guidelines

Jenny Lee! lol I often forget about her sorry not sorry, I liked her but she left. ya no importa

I love how “mature jenny” still narrates even though her character is never even mentioned anymore #letmenarrate lol jk I like Vanessa Redgrave’s voice

“Meanwhile other scientists were trying to send humans to the moon” fuck yea Hidden Figures

If CtM went up until 1969 that’d be lit, like the episode on mad men when they watched the moon landing! Just replace them with nuns and nurses and babies & replace the liquor for tea 😂

Shit I’ve said typed so much already

SISTER MJ💕 I wanna smack myself she’s brushing her teeth & I thought of that stupid toothbrush song from last week’s episode kill me

Nora’s pregnant again uh oh

Cynthia! SISTER E! Jane! It’s been so long

My bby Trixie 💕😍 I miss her pin curls! But now she’s serving those 60s looks so I’m here for it all

“Take that off this minute before you go to hell” LMAO TRIX YOU CANT TELL KIDS THAT

lol who am I kidding I would’ve said the same

I love sister Monica Joan, id quote everything she ever says but that’s too much work

Vicar’s wife? But who was the vicar?

LMAO WAIT DOESNT SISTER MJ FAKE A HEART ATTACK??

YES SHE DID IM DEAD I LOVE HER, WELL IT WAS LIKE ANGINA BUT IDC STILL FUNNY CAUSE SHE DIDNT WANNA GO

PRECIOUS SISTER BERNADETTE 😭💕

I STILL CANT BELIEVE MY BBY SHELAGH WAS A NUN, ITS SO STRANGE TO GO BACK AND SEE HER IN THE HABIT, LIKE YOURE PREGNANT NOW, WITH DR TURNERS BABYYY!!

anyone else really wanted to know how she was going to tell Sister Julienne “um i was already done with being a nun and now im love sick, I can’t stop thinking about Dr Turner so  I gotta ditch this habit”

damn I feel so bad like she did not want another baby & had no choice but to deal with it

No Jenny, tea is not gonna help right now

And heres the lady that scammed her

How much is 2 guinnis ? Idk how to spell that u already know I’m an ignorant American

Did she really tell a married woman keep her legs closed? It Doesn’t even matter if she was married or not like who are u anyway?? I would’ve bitch slapped her too, good for u Nora

Sister MJ saying her horoscope was right, we are the same😭

Wtf is spotted dick? Also I laughed because I’m immature Lmaoo

Sister J eating the pudding, she knows how to get to sister MJ 😂 I love them

Trixie teasing Jane about the Reverend lol aw

“I can’t knit I had a heart attack this morning” ME TRYING TO GET OUT OF THINGS

8 kids in one bedroom though yikes

Cute and classic bedroom moments 😭💕

“Naughty version of eggnog” like coquito? Lol nah, coquito is the bomb

IM CRYING SISTER BERNADETTE LOOKING IN THE DOORWAY

THIS BREAKS MY HEART EVERYTIME

THEY FUCKING CLOSED THE DOOR ON HER, MY BBY. I WANT TO HUG HER 💔💔💔 she deserves the world

Who is this irrelevant ass vicars wife? “Cherrio”

I’m so sorry Nora

Ew wtf a rat just bit the baby?

“Just tell me what you want sister” SHE WANTS YOU DOCTOR

THE WAY THEYRE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER OMG IM SHOOK

WHAT THE HELL TIM WHY DID YOU RUIN THE MOMENT ?!

sister MJ wants to roll bandages, make it happen! lol I love that Cynthia and Jane unwrap them all for her 😭

Aww i love babies !! but that one with a funny nose uhh

SISTER BERNADETTE BLOWING THE WHISTLE AND CHEERING 💕 MY HEART SHE IS SO ADORABLE

Aw I wish Trixie could have another scene going through old pictures and maybe share old stories with the new nurses💔 unlikely but you know I can hope. SHE DID HAVE THAT PHOTO OF HER AND CYNTHIA ON HER MIRROR LAST SUNDAY💕

“I’m a woman on a mission” beatrix, light in my life

Curly locks lol, when I was younger I  was called Shirley temple and when I dyed my hair I was called Goldie locks.. mind u that lasted into high school 😂 I’m staying blonde for good though, I don’t think I can pull off anything else

DONT GO OUT WITH HIM TRIXIE, HE’S TRASH

Laura Main’s angelic voice ✨👼🏼

who am I kidding she’s an angel

you know what would be fun and a dream? to go out with the ctm cast and get drunk and take trashy snapchat videos singing

Gin & a hot bath??

Trixie looked him up lol, good move

BUT HE’S STILL TRASH and an asshole

Pickle knife ?

again, this irrelevant vicar’s wife? vete ya

Everyone thinks Sister MJ is senile but she knows what’s up with Sister Bernadette..

“..but is all blank sadness and continued tears”  MY HEART💔 sister Bernadette/Shelagh has spent the majority of this show crying/being sad/distressed ugh!! Laura Main plays is beautifully but I CRY!? Let her be uninterruptedly happy please 😭💕

she (and helen) ruined me tbh, I used to have dignity

Is Jenny really naive or is she just pretending not to understand??

SEE SISTER BERNADETTE IS ON SCREEN AGAIN & IS UPSET

“I almost wish I was physically ill..” okay bRb CRYIN. THIS IS WHY I CANT WATCH THESE OLDER EPISODES I CRY TOO MUCH, I DONT LIKE TO SEE HER UNHAPPY

Remember when I started the show and didn’t know it was gonna ruin my life? Or before I grew attached? Yea me neither lmaoo those were the days when I thought downton killed me. I Didn’t know what was coming 😂 still love downton though rip #downtonmoviepls

Knitting needles?? aye dios mio

HA GREMLIN TIM AND JACK

Again how much is a gunniea and how do I spell it? I could google it but I’m busy here

She was willing to sell her wedding ring and risk her life for an unprofessional abortion. DO YOU SEE THE ISSUE? This isn’t just the a period drama either. Shit is real

“Are babies more valued because they can survive or do they survive beside they are more valued?” good question sis

lol Jane was so sweet and just bounced with no word

AT LEAST I KNOW WHERE SHE WENT THOUGH, THANKS FOR THAT NZ CUT SCENE

Trixie being a babe and getting ready to do her nails 😍💕 I wish I could do mine well but I’m trash and so I pay to get them done

The cross cutting in this scene is crazy but so well done (& yes look at me using real terms lol, I took a Music in film class last semester and had to know editing techniques 😂, I did fairly well too)

I really don’t know how she survived this

My bby trixie looking gorgeous as per usual. I love her so much, Helen u kill me

NO COÑFIO TRIXIE, HE’S NO GOOD

Haha why did I not remember the Gone With The Wind reference? Cynthia was so cute, I miss her carefree and happy

FRECO MOVE YOUR DAMN HAND, YOU ARE TRASH.

HE’S FICTIONAL BUT ID STILL FIGHT HIM

my poor bby😭💔 it is not your fault , he’s trash!! But this moment between the nurses warmed my cold heart

“Matrons in charge, virgins of iron” 😭😭

Aw Earth Angel playing, ✨🎼 I highkey pop to 50s/60s pandora stations

Jenny yes it’s illegal but do you think that matters rn??

TIM AS MAID MARION LMAO

Sister Bernadette looking at Dr Turner ah omg 😭they’ve come so far.

It’s not your fault Jenny but you should’ve told someone

Sister B & Tim won 👏🏼

LMAO ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT POST “WOAH CALM DOWN IM JUST TRYNA DATE YOUR DAD”

and she’s down, and the glasses flew

“You’ve hurt your hand” “well I’m sure there’s no need to amputate” ah sister b/shelagh lowkey has some of the funniest lines she just slips them in and people miss them !!

Here it comes ..

THE MOMENT..

“Would you like me to have a look at that?” UHM YEA

No but seriously I can barely remember what I thought when I first watched this but I knew something was gonna happen because a nurse can handle her own damn cut & well you know, she was in love with him

HE KISSED HER HAND. A fucking doctor kissed a nuns hand people, how scandalous & this was THE MOMENT I KNEW I WAS CORRUPT AND WAS GOING TO HELL, I AM SATAN I WANTED THE DOCTOR TO KISS A FREAKING NUN ON THE MOUTH LIKE WTF WHO RAISED ME? MY MOTHER WANTED IT TOO SO IDK BUT THIS KILLED ME, LIKE R.I.P HERE LIES GABBY, I WAS IN THE GROUND DECEASED. I’m actual trash. Someone dispose of me in the proper bin #recyle

for real, this is when I really knew that I was never going to love any other show like this and I allowed it to ruin me

BUT HONESTLY WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING? THATS A BOLD MOVE

BOLD IN GENERAL BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW IF SHE LIKES YOU BUT BOLD x1000 BC SHE IS A NUN, YOU KNOW MARRIED TO GOD, VOW OF CHASITY AND ALL THAt??

What if she would’ve freaked tf out or told sister Julienne? I don’t even know. I’ll just be grateful for how things turned out

“At this moment I only know I’m not turning my back on you because of you but I’m doing it because of him” AHHHH, DONT WORRY BBY GOD LOVES U AND UNDERSTANDS YOU LOVE HIM AND THE DOCTOR, LOSE THAT HABIT AND GO PROPERLY KISS PATRICK 😭

Sister MJ judging the baby contest is the purest thing & I need it to cleanse my disgusting soul that wants a dr to get with a nun #notsorrythough

“In Nonnatus we were good at tending other’s wounds and there were times I felt we were all each other’s children..” brb I’m crying I love that they’re like a family 😭💕💔

I’m so happy they didn’t kill Nora and she actually was happy in the end. I really wasn’t sure for a moment (obviously when I first watched lol)

“ Free reliable contraception came too late to help her, but in time the scientists triumphed. Her daughters and granddaughters lives remained transfigured, long after man left fleeting footprints on the moon.” Vanessa always knowing what to say in the end.

Lets see how the pill is going to be reintroduced this series, I’m interested  in how it’s going to play out.

I’ve said that so many times though so I’ll be done

The End.