#levihanfic

[sayonarasanity]

Keep Me

this story is part two of “dandelion” but it can be read separately

link to AO3

"And I froze, and I reckon I missed it When all of the rain came down In the shape of everything"

The first time saw her, it was raining.

It had started to rain sometime after dawn. The roads were wet, dark, dreary clouds mobile, and on top of the lampposts were settled the crows. Levi watched them with squinted eyes and a discontent face. He never fancied the weather and the fact that the cuffs of his trousers were getting soaked despite his best efforts wasn’t helping either. Moreover, he absolutely disliked carrying an umbrella which in this case was a necessity he very much loathed and it irked him even further.

When he was merely steps away from the bus stop, he saw her. She was standing under the shelter, wearing a ridiculous, lilac-coloured raincoat, a pair of canvas trainers—which he did not understand the logic behind wearing in such weather—her hair was slightly wet as well as her glasses which were slipping down her nose and which was buried deep into whatever she was reading.

But none of that had piqued his interest, rather the fact that she was standing under the shelter and still carrying an umbrella was what annoyed him. Because why bother carrying it if it wasn’t functional anymore? But apparently, she was so preoccupied with her book that she hadn’t even noticed the double shelter and that there was no point in bending her arm to keep that thing above her head.

Anyway, none of his business. He gladly put down his own umbrella when he took shelter under the bus stop. Carefully folding it back and shaking off the raindrops so that it didn’t accidentally wet his coat. He merely threw one last glance at the woman to see if there was any progress. There wasn’t. Then he looked away and waited for his bus.

By the end of the day, he had long forgotten about her.

Or so he thought.

Levi hadn’t meant to sit down next to her. He genuinely hadn’t.

It had been a shitty week. Levi was almost a hundred per cent sure that his boss very much despised him. He must’ve done something to somehow cause the man to hold a grudge against him. There was no other explanation for the tones of work he had piled up on top of his desk. Even his co-workers, Erwin and Mike, had sent sympathetic glances towards him and it had annoyed him to no end. He needed no pity. The only thing he needed was peace and quiet. Maybe a house on top of a mountain, where no one could find him, a cat, tea, and a fireplace. Perhaps he would become a monk. It was better than having to find his way through such a fucked-up system.

As it turned out, they were taking the same bus to and from work. Levi wasn’t sure where she was getting on the bus in the evenings but after that rainy day at the bus stop, he was seeing her almost every morning. Not that they ever exchanged any words. She was most of the time busy reading books which varied every time he saw her. And later he also started to see her on his way home as well. The bus was usually packed, for it was rush hour, and it did no good to his quite intense nerves which were ready to snap any time like overly strained guitar strings. But even among the crowd of people somehow, she managed to stand out.

It was another day, Friday to be specific, and yet again the bus was fully packed, and Levi was on edge, literally. He almost punched a man who tried to squeeze next to him despite the fact that there was no place, not even the tiniest space in the goddamn bus to be squeezed in.

He did manage to stay calm, fortunately. And the bus pretty much emptied after two stops. His lungs were so glad to welcome the newfound oxygen that he had forgotten to sit down on one of the now empty seats.

Then, abruptly, he felt a pull on his coat and initially, he thought it was another stray brat of one of the passengers and he turned his head, sharply to glare at the poor child, only to find out that it was her. She was looking up at him from where she was seated and smiled when she saw him glaring at her. She didn’t seem even a slightly bit intimidated.

She patted the empty seat next to her, that smile never leaving her mouth. And he didn’t know what possessed him, or what controlled his body at the moment, yet he sat down next to her silently, without a word. Was he supposed to thank her? Did it matter? Was there anything to thank for? The seat was already empty, he would’ve sat down without her saying something anyway. But why did she—

“You seemed quite tense,” she talked, suddenly. Her voice was soft like cotton. And when he looked aside slightly bewildered, she offered him another smile. So easily. She seemed like she was doing it a lot. “And tired.”

Levi ignored that in order to realize those emotions she must’ve observed him throughout the drive. Although it didn’t require much of a study to see that he was absolutely tense and exhausted. And frankly, he didn’t understand why she would care about it either. “Thanks,” he said, dryly.

“No problem,” she chuckled.

That was the end of the conversation.

*

In the morning, Levi made a decision. Not that it took much of his time. The moment he had stepped out of the bus yesterday evening and the two of them went on with their separate ways without another exchange of words, he had settled his mind. That if he were to see her again this morning he would absolutely, without a doubt or hesitation ignore her. And if she were to try and talk to him again, he would keep his usual attitude. Stone-cold face and nonchalant eyes to show that he wasn’t interested in being friendly. It had always done the trick.

Hence you have no friends, the voice inside his head which so irritatingly resembled Mike, reminded him. He scoffed at his reflection in the mirror before leaving his home. Fixed his quite neat tie, smoothened his already perfectly straight coat, brushed off the invisible dust from his shoulders and walked out.

She didn’t come.

“You look grumpier than usual,” Mike told him, looking down at him from above the divide that separated them. It had been merely two hours since he sat down in front of this godforsaken computer, and the asshole was already being a headache. “What happened? Couldn’t find enough time to iron your boxers?”

“Not that,” Levi responded, staring up at him coldly. “But I’ll make sure to iron your dic—"

“You can talk to us if something is bothering you,” Erwin cut in. He was leaning to the side, picking a glance at where he was from the corner of the divide. Levi watched him briefly before carrying his eyes back to the computer. Erwin was being sincere, he knew. But there was nothing to talk about.

“It’s nothing,” he said, and by the tone of his voice, it was evident. The conversation was over.

*

The next day, she got into the bus seconds before the door was about to close. Levi watched her from where he stood, holding onto one of the handles above. She was out of breath and her face had flushed red. She must’ve run to catch the bus; her hair was so wildly scattered that Levi was surprised the hair tie was still in its respective place. And despite her quite strewn condition she graced the bus driver with a huge smile as she touched her card on the reader, saluting him with a very, unnecessarily, cheerful “Morning!”

Levi forced his gaze away when she started to walk into the bus. There was no seat available to sit, and the bus was already crowded enough for her to walk down any further. So, inevitably, or perhaps just because she felt like it, she came to a stop next to him, raising her hand to hold onto one of the handles.

His fingers curled tighter out of his control around the one he was grabbing, and he determinedly watched the view through the window across from him. Willed his mind to focus on the blurry images of the trees, buildings, billboards, rushing people, rolling cars… anything really, other than the fact that she was watching him as he could sense from the corner of his eye.

And he didn’t understand the reason why, they had only talked once and that was all. A couple of brief encounters and a small dialogue which barely contained any context meant nothing. Yet there she was, possibly about to make an attempt at small talk with him which was something he deeply—

“Morning.”

It wasn’t as festal as the one she had sent to the bus driver, yet Levi found himself directing his gaze towards her-- his indifferent gaze mind you, he was still adamant about the decision he had made. And she was smiling at him with twinkling, hazel-brown eyes which varied in colour when the rays of the morning sun touched them. It also highlighted the colour of her hair too which was something between chestnut brown and crimson sunset.

But why was he observing her? He blinked once, whisked the thought inside his head, then nodded curtly—just to show her that he appreciated it but also to indicate that he wasn’t interested in any further banter—then proceeded to watch the scene in front of him again.

And then when he least expected it, he heard her chuckle, again. Knitting his brows, he turned back to her.

“You’re not so chatty, are you?”

Her eyes were glinting with amusement. She wasn’t affected by his dismissive behaviour. Not at all. Then he would try another method. “Glad you noticed.”

She hummed, that smile seemed to be plastered on her face. It never left. “I am observant enough.”

Levi doubted it. She barely lifted her head from her books. Yet he remembered how she had noticed him being tired and tense that day. Although it wasn’t that hard to tell. She must’ve paid attention. But why? It shouldn’t be anything. She seemed like an outgoing person and clearly overly eager to make friends with everyone. Including the bus drivers and someone who so obviously did not share the same interest.

“It’s not rocket science,” he briefly said.

“Right, you’re easy to read.” When she saw him knitting his brows even deeper, she laughed. “No offence. I didn’t mean it in a bad way.”

“Don’t care.” He looked away, once more. This time determined to never turn back again. He didn’t want her to talk anymore. Or… did he? What was this thing inside his stomach? Expectation, or dare he say hope?

Get a hold of yourself, man! The voice inside his head chided him. Holy God above, why was he hearing that bearded bastard’s voice even inside his head? Was peace really a no option for him?

The bus stopped, opening its doors for the new coming passengers. A little girl was the last one to get in. She was at most ten or eleven years old, wearing a pink coat and a purple backpack. Her hair was tied in two neatly done braids, falling down each of her shoulders. Her eyes scanned around as she walked down the bus, possibly in search of a safe place for her to stand. And just as she was about to pass by in front of him the bus made a sudden hard stop causing the little girl to lose her balance.

Levi didn’t think as he reflexively reached out to grab her arm so that she didn’t fall. And he waited until the girl was standing on her two feet again, securely. “Careful,” he told her as he let go of her arm.

The girl looked up at him and smiled, revealing her irregular teeth “Thank you,” she said before she turned around to hold onto the pole behind her.

It took him several seconds to realize that the person next to him was staring at him, again.

And that he was smiling.

“Not bad,” she whispered, hiding her smile by turning her head away when she saw him glaring at her after he wiped that stupid, barely visible smile off his face.

It seemed that for the first time in his life, Levi Ackerman had failed at not making a friend. And he didn’t know whether it was a good or a bad thing.

*

These brief conversations, and despite his best efforts to avoid them, the small talk slowly became something like a routine. Levi never initiated them though and they didn’t see each other every day. Sometimes he only saw her after work, but the bus would be so crowded to get near to each other. At times she managed to find a seat to settle she would be sleeping, head bouncing against the window and mouth parted. Her book left open and forgotten on top of her knees. If she wasn’t sleeping, she would bother him instead. Reluctantly, he would sit next to her when the bus emptied most of the passengers and she patted the available seat on her right or left.

In the mornings they mostly stood next to each other. Often it was quiet, much to his pleasure, yet she somehow found topics to talk about even though he was still pretty much a complete stranger to her. It was a capability out of the ordinary for sure. At least for Levi. And one he greatly lacked at that.

Her name was Hanji, he hadn’t asked but she seemed like she enjoyed answering his non-existent questions, and she was doing her PhD in physics. Levi had figured she was smart, but clearly, she was above the average. She was also clumsy—she tripled two times already while getting off the bus, thankfully he was there to save her ass—and kind. Too kind even. Even the fact that she was talking and for some reason trying to befriend him out of all people was evident enough.

To say that he wasn’t, at least even the tiniest bit, looking forward to these short encounters would be a lie. But each morning when he opened his eyes and realized that getting up from bed didn’t feel like labour and he was rushing his breakfast so as to not miss the bus and walked faster to the bus stop so that he would have a few more minutes for a cigarette and perhaps a couple of words he told himself that it wasn’t because of her.

But he had never been good at lying.

*

“What’s wrong?” Hanji asked after a couple of silent minutes since he sat down next to her.

They were on their way home and the bus was more or less empty. He had a terrible, hideous headache, one that stung as if someone was digging his temples with a pair of screwdrivers. Levi didn’t feel like talking but he also didn’t want to reflect his sour mood on her. She had nothing to do with it anyway.  

He could feel her curious gaze and can already imagine the expression on her face without even having a look. Rounded, expectant eyes, raised eyebrows, slightly slipped glasses and sunset on messy hair. And a brief, quick glance in her direction was enough for him to confirm the image in his mind. “Nothing,” he replied tersely.

A lie.

Hanji hummed like she didn’t believe him. She hadn’t, of course. And it didn’t take her long to move her interrogation even further. “Did you have a bad day at work?”

“I always have a bad day at work.”

“Come on. No way it’s that bad.”

“It is that bad.”

“What exactly makes you so irritated about it?”

“Everything, simply.”

“Then why don’t you just quit it?”

Levi paused, carrying his eyes slowly at her. There it was again. That easy smile. The one that was soft and subtle, the one that twinkled her eyes and touched somewhere within his heart. Somewhere far away, deserted, and empty. He didn’t like to accept it, but it moved something in his soul too. Like a leaf which had long forgotten the touch of the wind and lay motionless on lifeless, immobile sand and now meeting the gentle touch of a breeze. “I can’t,” he managed to say.

“Why?”

“Because I need money.”

“You’ll find another job.”

“There is no guarantee it won’t be as shitty as this one, maybe even worse.”

This time it was Hanji who hesitated for a second before responding, “Why don’t you like your current job?” she asked, and she was curious about the answer as it was clear from the ever-present glint in her eyes. Levi wondered, maybe for the thousandth time, about why she cared and why she seemed so genuinely interested in everything he had to say. And he wondered, quite unreasonably yet inevitably if it meant something, anything at all.

“Because my boss is the very definition of an asshole.”

“Oh?” Hanji said, voice hoarse, clearly amused. “Is that the reason why you seem so riled up?”

Levi grunted instead of giving a verbal, clearer answer. Even remembering the look on that sorry excuse of a man’s smug face while he said there was nothing he could do for an increase in salary which Levi very much deserved was enough to make his headache grow even stronger. He closed his eyes, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Right,” Hanji responded, “Sorry.”

He didn’t want her to feel sorry, he realized. It caused a twisted, uneasy feeling in his stomach. So, he decided to change the subject. “My head is killing me.”

As expected, she easily accommodated. “Would you like some painkillers?”

He shook his head, “I already took some.”

“I see,” Hanji said and for a while, the only thing he heard was the howl of the engine, the chatter of the other passengers, the robotic voice of the lady announcing the name of the bus stops they were getting nearer to and the hammer like pulsing inside his head. There shouldn’t be much to their bus stop but there was still some traffic as understood from the regular stop-and-go of the bus. So probably it was going to take more or less 20-25 minutes for them to arrive and 30 for him to take a nice, hot shower, change into fresh evening clothes and put his head on his soft, beloved pillow.

“You know, legend says,” Hanji started because that was the longest time interval in which she could stay silent. It was unnaturally long even. She must’ve been enjoying the view outside. He figured she liked sunsets. Somehow, it suited her. “That Pythagoras’s student Hippasus of Metapontum said to have discovered the irrational number √2 was punished as an act of divine retribution.”

Levi had gotten used to Hanji giving him strange and most possibly unnecessary and at times admittedly intriguing information which she seemed to be overly excited and passionate about. And he listened mostly because there was nothing better for him to do other than watching exhausted passengers and disgusting teenagers displaying public affection in the middle of the bus. But also, because there was something almost addicting in her frantic hand gestures, wide, brilliant eyes and that bright smile that made it hard for him to shut her up.

But now, he found himself staring at her, stunned, “For real?”

“For real,” Hanji confirmed, nodding her head along for emphasis.

“Damn,” Levi said, forgetting his headache for a moment. “What’s with √2?

“It’s an irrational number but rational numbers were something almost deemed holy by the Pythagoreans, and they had absolute dominance, or so they thought,” Hanji explained, pushing her glasses up her nose. “√2 turned their whole world upside down because it was unexplainable, it had no end. It doesn’t have an exact numerical value. There is literally not enough paper in the entire universe to write it down completely. It was a shocking revelation, especially to Pythagoras himself. Some say Hippasus was drowned because the gods punished him, and some say it was Pythagoras who killed him.”*

Hanji’s eyes were focused on the glass doors of the bus while she was speaking but then she directed her eyes towards him only to see the surprised look on his face. She laughed, “You look so shocked.”

Levi scoffed, “I thought the Greeks were supposed to be wise.”

“They are wise.”

“I am pretty convinced otherwise.”

“People react in unexpected ways when their whole world is upside down,” Hanji told him, head tilted sideways just slightly. The setting sun disappeared behind a building for a brief moment before reappearing again, illuminating the side of her face. “Don’t you think?”

And Levi thought and thought and pondered about it even after going home, as he took a nice, hot shower; ate dinner and later that night while watching the ceiling, hoping for the shadows to form coherent sentences and give him an answer. He thought if he understood what she meant if he had that kind of a moment when his whole world was upside down and he didn’t know what to do, how to react, how to live from then on. He wondered what he would do if he were to come up against something as such. Something that turned his whole world upside down, something that would make him do stupid things, irrelevant, unexpected things that would maybe make him feel human again.

And he wondered if that something might also be someone as well.

*

Erwin had learned about Nile and Marry’s engagement from an Instagram post. A photo of a happy and grinning Marry who was showing the diamond ring on her finger and Nile who was still kneeling in front of her, holding the little, red open box of the engagement ring and smiling up at her fiancé.

Levi eyed Erwin, who was holding a cigarette, his third, between his lips and observing the photo with narrowed eyes as he inhaled the smoke deeply, then released it slowly. Shaking off the ash of the cigarette with his index finger, he sighed. “I need a drink.”

As it turned out, what he needed wasn’t just a drink.

“Slow down,” Levi warned him as the blond man lowered his fourth glass of whisky on the black, marble surface of the bar they were currently in.

Erwin gestured for the bartender to fill his glass once more, ignoring his remark. Levi sighed. It was Saturday, hence there was no work tomorrow. Mike hadn’t come with them, saying that he was too sleepy to choose a night out over his beloved bed. Levi knew better though. He just hadn’t wanted to deal with a drunk-ass Erwin. Sneaky asshole.

The sound of the lighter snatched him out of his thoughts. Levi watched Erwin as he lighted up his cigarette. He had lost count of how much he had smoked today. Erwin usually wasn’t that much into it but since he seemed like he needed the quite temporary relief it provided Levi didn’t make any comment on his unusual desire towards it. He placed one between his lips instead. Then securing it between his two fingers, he leaned over a little for Erwin to light it up. Flicking the lighter, Erwin held it near the end of his cigarette. Levi drew in a deep breath, heard the faint crackle at the bottom and felt the way the fume filling inside his chest. He had decided not to drink tonight. At least not much.

Lost in thought, Levi shook off the ashes with his thumb. He guessed the reason behind Erwin’s current, sombre state, but wasn’t sure whether to make a comment on it or not. His relationship with Marie was something Levi only had heard of, and Erwin had never given him much detail. He observed the blond man’s side profile, the thoughtful stare he had fixed on his half-full glass, the cigarette dangling between his fingers, forgotten.

After giving it some thought, he decided to ask. “You still love her?”

Erwin didn’t seem to be taken aback by his quite straightforward question. Calmly, he placed the cigarette between his lips to take another deep drag. And when he spoke again after he blew out the smoke, there was no hesitation in his voice, “No.”

Levi felt relieved, for some reason. He never knew what to say when it came to anything romantic-related. He had no such experience except for a couple of hookups over the years which never went beyond one night—whether it was good or bad—and he had never gotten emotionally, and romantically for that matter, attached to anyone for his whole life.

But now, just as these thoughts crossed his mind a certain brunette accompanied them. And Levi let himself, for a brief millisecond, to ponder about her kind, brown eyes, warm, genuine smile and soothing voice. Her curious mind, her cleverness, clumsiness and foolishness. Like newly brewed tea spilling all over the surface of a table, he felt something warm spreading all over his body.

Then shaking his head, he shooed her image out of his mind. Frowning and scolding himself inside he reached for his glass of whisky and gulped down the last remnants in it. Then carrying his focus back to the actual subject of the conversation, he asked, “What’s the problem then?”

Erwin finished his own glass, but his eyes didn’t leave the little pieces of melted ice inside it, and they moved as he circled the glass with his hand. “I feel stuck.”

“What do you mean?”

His friend eventually looked at him. “I don’t think I’m living the life I want to live.”

Levi scoffed, taking a drag from his cigarette, and let the white fume leave his mouth lazily, “Can’t believe an Instagram post got you into an existential crisis.”

Erwin laughed, pressing the butt of his cigarette on the ashtray. Taking one last drag Levi followed him. “I’ve been thinking about it for some time,” Erwin went on, his words melding, already tipsy. “Maybe I’m just being greedy.”

“You are a greedy bastard for sure.”

“I wouldn’t be here if I was greedy enough.”

“Don’t think too much about it,” said Levi, pushing his empty glass away from him. He wasn’t a good adviser. Though he felt like he understood what Erwin meant, deep down. No one ever lived the life they wanted to live. It was in humans’ nature to ask for more. “It’s the way of the world.”

Erwin snorted; he had already knocked another one over. Cheeks and ears red, he lit up one more cigarette. “You should’ve been a therapist.”

Reaching out Levi snatched the thing out of his hand to put it out in the ashtray. “Hey!” Erwin protested, making a move to stop him. Levi slapped his hand and got on his feet, pulling his friend along with him by holding his arm. He dropped Erwin’s coat on his shoulders, left a couple of banknotes on top of the counter and pushed the whining man towards the exit. Enough drama for today.

Outside, the streets were luminous and fulgurant. Trees bare of leaves had been adorned with superficial yet colourful little lights. The air was chilly, autumn cold causing goosebumps on his skin through his thick clothing. While they were waiting for a taxi, with Erwin practically stooping over him with his arm around Levi’s shoulders, and Levi gritting his teeth tight enough to break a stone and trying to hold his feet glued to the ground so that he didn’t stumble toward the road with near-to-drunk Erwin—he saw her.

It wasn’t much of a coincidence. The bar was about fifteen minutes away from his house by car and during one of their earlier conversations he had learned that she lived nearby. Across the road at one of the cafes lined throughout the street, she was sitting on one of the tables outside. With two men and a raven black-haired woman. One of the men had dark blond hair and a beard of the same colour. He wore glasses—silly looking if you’d asked Levi—and had an arm around Hanji.

It shouldn’t have bothered him. He barely even knew her; they couldn’t even be considered friends. Yet as he watched the way she laughed at something the man just said, and the wind carried the sound till it reached his ears he felt a fire coming alive inside his stomach. Bright and vicious. Flames ascended, up to his throat. He then found himself scolding, chiding himself. It shouldn’t have bothered him. Then why was he feeling like this?

Another burst of laughter rose from the table they were sitting on. This time because of something she had said. Levi watched her, slightly bewildered, realising now that she is among her friends, the people she was familiar with, she shone even brighter. Just like the lights wrapped around the naked branches of the autumn trees. Colourful and radiant.

Hanji looked up, just then, as if she had sensed the way he watched her, like he was hypnotised, captured by some kind of wonder he hadn’t realized was just before his eyes all this time. And he saw the moment her expression changed from surprise to recognition. The corners of her mouth moved upwards then she raised a hand most probably to salute him.

And Levi did the thing he was the most masterful at. He looked away, choosing to ignore, and forget that he even saw her at all.

“Levi,” Erwin murmured, his cheek pressed on top of his head. Levi had found out, much to his discontent, that Erwin was unusually chummy when he was drunk. “You’re a good friend.”

“I didn’t even do anything,” Levi said, rolling his eyes. He was giving an intense battle not to carry his stare back to where she was. But he was afraid to face the possible disappointment on her face.

“I know you care about me.”

“Don’t push your luck.”

“You love me more than you love Mike, don’t you?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I hate that bastard.”

Erwin snorted and then started to laugh uncontrollably. Levi sighed. He was going to kill the said bastard first thing on Monday. He was sure of it.

Much to his relief the taxi finally came to a stop in front of them. Levi helped Erwin get onto the back seat, with much struggle. After he somehow managed to settle him for good, he got ready to get in himself. Yet just before that, he risked another glance at the table across the road only to find her already staring at him. It lasted for a split second, for this time it was her who moved her eyes which were sombre and thoughtful in a way that made him uneasy, away from him.

*

Sunday passed by in a state of ennui. After he safely dropped Erwin at his place last night he got back home, drained and vexed for reasons he couldn’t find in himself to unveil and ultimately—inevitably—face. He woke up when the sun was high up in the sky, the birds had long stopped chirping and the crows had taken over with their high-pitched croaking. It was quite natural, given the fact that he had spent the whole night lying on his bed, on his back watching the dark ceiling or on his side staring at the immobile curtain and listening to the tick-tocks of the clock on the hall.

He didn’t have much of anything to do. After a brief and insufficient breakfast, he talked to his mom on the phone, then vacuumed the house, cleaned the bathroom, read a book then dropped it halfway because he couldn’t focus. And he basically spent the rest of the day just going through Netflix to find something decent to watch and eventually opted for watching a ridiculous rom-com and eating popcorn without actually tasting or enjoying it. He then fell asleep on the couch, with only the company of the noises coming from the TV. Overly cheerful and superficial laughter in the background, opposing the one in his dream.

*

The first day of that week was another rainy day and given his current sombre and already uneasy mood, he was displeased with the weather even more than usual. Yet while walking closer and closer to the bus stop his heartbeats got inevitably faster and his nerves tenser. To be completely honest he had thought about taking a taxi rather than using the bus this time but being the grown, middle-aged, goddamn adult that he was whose teenage years had been long lost and forgotten, he had chosen not to.

But when he spotted Hanji waiting under the shelter of the bus stop, wearing that ugly, lilac raincoat with her hands inside of her pockets and absently playing around with a little rock on the pavement, rolling it with the nose of her shoe and her face, like the sky over their heads, dreary and pensive, hiding the sun behind dark clouds Levi thought, briefly, if he had made the right choice.

A bus came to a stop in front of the bus stop and the few other passengers got in as Levi paused, steps away from where Hanji stood, holding his umbrella over his head and watched her as she watched the bus and the people getting in one by one, thoughtfully. Soon after the bus left, she blinked, her mouth hanging open, and eyes growing wide as she realized a little too late that it was her bus, their bus and both of them had missed it.

“Shit,” she cursed, taking a few, redundant steps forwards and exposing herself to the rain and looking after the bus she had just missed with forlorn and remorseful eyes. It wasn’t raining heavily but still, her hair was getting wetter slowly as well as her glasses and her face when she laid her head backwards.

And Levi didn’t know why he stood there rather than walking closer to her as he usually did. But he didn’t move and couldn’t speak. He didn’t know why his heart was beating so loudly and why his head felt like he had been caught in a tornado, spinning unreasonably. And he thought about irrational numbers, Hippasus of Metapontum and divine retribution. He thought about how he hated the rain, loathed the way it wetted the cuffs of his trousers and now he witnessed how she absorbed it, eyes closed, surrendered and even though she had just missed the bus and would have to wait for maybe another thirty minutes. And while the rain washed over her face recklessly, she smiled like she didn’t care.

Levi let the umbrella down, slowly. Raindrops caressed his face, wetted his hair, and the wind ruffled his hair. Maybe it was the way of nature loving somebody. Loving so tenderly because she loved it just as kindly.

“People react in unexpected ways when their whole world is upside down, don’t you think?”

“Hey,” he greeted her, his face wet and hair sticking to his forehead. His umbrella was folded and secure inside his palm and his heartbeats calm because he knew why he did what he did.

Hanji’s eyes were shaped like two surprised circles when she saw him standing next to her. She had taken her glasses off for they had no function whatsoever anymore. “Hey,” she smiled but Levi realized it was a forced smile. “Looks like we both missed the car, huh?”

“Yeah,” he murmured.

An uncomfortable yet inevitable silence settled between them during which his mind was filled with a vicious rumble as he thought about the other night. Levi wanted to apologize for ignoring her and to tell her that it had nothing to do with her. It was just him and his inability to make friends or maybe his cowardness to admit to himself that he didn’t want her just as a friend. And he wanted to ask about that man too, the one who had an arm around her shoulders and to learn what he was to Hanji.

Silenced stretched for so long that in the end Hanji cleared her throat, “Maybe we should take a taxi—”

“You said,” he cut off her sentence. That was a thing they would take care of later just like how they were still standing under the rain while the bus stop was merely centimetres away from them and plus, he had an umbrella in his hand. But they were topics to be discussed later. “You said people react in unexpected ways.”

Levi stared at her, his lips pressed, eyes narrowed –because of the rain—and hair wet. He was so obviously, so stupidly tense. And he waited for the gears in her head to settle for good and as he followed from the look in her eyes –confused and hesitating—it took a while. But then she nodded, “Yeah?”

“That’s why—” he looked away; he felt the tips of his ears burning. “You know. I didn’t want to ignore you. I just didn’t know what to do.”

A brief pause. Then she said, “Oh!”

Levi glared at her, blinking. “What?”

“You’re saying—” she made a stupid hang gesture while she was trying to organize her thoughts. “So, you’re apologizing?”

“I guess?”

“Oh!” she said again and abruptly started laughing. Levi watched her, bewildered. “I thought I offended you!”

He blinked. “Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know, you were with your friend. I thought—I don’t know.” Hanji sighed, seemingly relieved while Levi stood there, dumbfounded, realizing that he had misunderstood the whole thing. “And I was with my college friends. I thought that you didn’t want to get in all the trouble of meeting everyone there and I understand! Totally.”

“Well,” he said, his mind felt numb. “I don’t really like meeting other people.”

Hanji laughed, nodding. It felt genuine and all of a sudden, his chest felt warm. “I figured.”

The rain had ceased. The sun peaked from between the dark clouds, and its rays fell on Hanji’s wet hair, highlighting the chestnut strands and stars twinkled inside her eyes. His heart throbbed inside his chest like a ping-pong ball. Levi realized then that he never knew what its real function was. Other than pumping blood to his body. But it wasn’t only there to keep him alive, it was also there to make him feel alive. And that’s what he lacked throughout his life.

“Would you like to have some coffee after work?”

His sudden and unexpected question quite understandably startled her but she recovered easily. Her smile widened. Levi suspected it had something to do with the blush he felt spreading on his cheeks. She might not know it but asking that question had taken at least ten years from his life span.

“I’d like that,” Hanji replied, her voice was soft, velvet-like. And Levi felt something strange in his stomach. Like a bunch of sparrows flipping their wings. It was an odd feeling, but it was nice. “But first let’s get a taxi, shall we?”

*

A few weeks passed. The “coffee dates” –Hanji had named them so—had become a routine though it happened at most one or two times a week. Their schedules didn’t always match with each other and sometimes Levi had to leave work later than he normally did and there were times Hanji would be so sleepy she had barely kept her head up on the way home. But in spite of himself, Levi was looking forward to having some free time so that he could listen to Hanji talking briskly almost nonstop about her research or something she learned from the book she was currently reading or had just finished. It was strangely soothing. During those moments she would be surrounded by a bizarre, almost otherworldly aura as if she was the first mortal to have tasted ambrosia and had gotten drunk with merely a dribble of it.

Even more strange was her listening to him with nearly the same caution with both her palms supporting her cheeks, elbows on top of the table and lips curled with a gentle, sweet smile while behind her glasses the reflection of yellow, dim café lights danced inside her eyes. Levi wasn’t a talker. He didn’t like giving unnecessary information and didn’t enjoy receiving it too for that matter. Yet with Hanji he found himself talking maybe just a little bit too much.

“You know when you talk like that,” Hanji had said to him one day after they left the café and were walking quietly home. The weather was refreshing though a little chilly. The streets were more or less empty, and on the dark, starless sky the moon was almost full. Hanji was wearing a green coat and flat-footed, brown boots under her high-waisted trousers. Her cheeks were the colour of pink, spring flowers and her lips a pretty shade of red. “I feel like I was given a key to a room full of wonders.”

This is what people mean when they say they are falling, Levi had thought staring at her face, brilliant with superficial city lights, burning with a fire innate in her. Falling so hard yet so slow. It feels like it will never end.

*

i’m thinking about going for a walk, wanna join?

Levi stared at the text on his phone screen and then at the pile of work he had to take care of today. There was a high chance he wouldn’t be able to leave at his usual hour. Disappointed and overly irritated he took his phone to write a reply.

go ahead. it’ll take me a while to leave

He left the phone and then turned back to his computer. Everyone had started to pack up. The office was filled with the ruckus of the end of the day. Soon they would all go, and everything would settle back to silence again.

His phone vibrated with a new text message.

:(

He couldn’t help the corners of his mouth stir upwards and he hid it behind his teacup, taking a long sip. Just when he put the cup back in its place, she sent another message.

how long will it take?

Levi glanced at the clock on the right corner of his computer screen. 5.38 pm.

He typed a reply: two hours at least

Hanji replied quickly with a crying emoji which again made him hide his expanding smile behind his teacup. Then she sent another text saying, lmk if you leave early

If only Levi thought grimly then typed a short ok and turned back to his work.

*

Almost two and a half hours later he stepped out into a pleasant, autumn evening. It was somewhat chilly, but it felt good after being stuck inside the office for so long. He decided to light up a cigarette while walking towards the bus stop.

He had taken at most two drags when he spotted someone sitting at the bench of the bus stop and one more until he realized that it was Hanji.

He was so shocked that he almost forgot to let the smoke out after taking it in. Part of the fume went out of his nostrils and the cigarette dangled between his fingers. “Hanji?”

She had been strolling down on her phone. She was surprised too at first when she heard him calling out to her. Yet she quickly recovered and jumped off to her feet, grinning widely. “Hey, Levi!”

Levi was still too stunned to speak. It took him a while to ask, “What are doing here?”

Hanji shrugged, putting her hands inside the pockets of her denim jacket. She was wearing a thick hoodie underneath it, but Levi doubted it provided enough warmth for her to wait outside in this weather. “I was waiting for you.”

Her cheekbones as well as the tip of her nose were almost red, so it wasn’t that hard to guess but he had to ask, “For how long?”

“Umm,” she glanced at her watch briefly. “Almost an hour, I guess.”

“An hour!” Levi yelled, unable to hide his shock. “Are you out of your mind?”

“Well, not really—”

“You want to get sick that bad?”

“I mean, it’s not that cold—”

“Tch,” he grunted. He put out his half-smoked cigarette in a nearby trash bin and then threw it inside. “It’s autumn idiot, of course, it is that cold.”

“You know,” Hanji said, and Levi sensed her walking closer to him. He glanced sideways to see her smiling, her eyes wrinkling at the sides. “You have a weird way of caring about people.”

He looked away, feeling the rising heat on the tip of his ears and that weird feeling in his stomach coming alive again. Little birds chirping, doing a wild dance inside. Then he started to walk, and Hanji joined, falling into steps with him silently. As much as he enjoyed listening to her rambling on and on, he also liked to be just quiet with her. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It reminded him of the quietness of winter and snow. Calm and peaceful.

“Say, Levi,” Hanji started, following the few minutes of their silent walk. Levi looked at her curiously, searching her face to guess what she had to say. “What do you think would happen if the sun never existed?”

Levi bent his head backwards to look at the sky. It was dark and had a lack of stars tonight. Only a few of them sparkled here and there. “How the hell would I know?”

“It’s a hypothetical question,” Hanji explained as if talking to a five-year-old.

“Thanks for letting me know,” Levi murmured, sighing and staring back at the road ahead of them. What if the sun never existed, huh? “It would be cold.”

Hanji chuckled, “Duh,” she grinned when Levi glared at her. “What else?”

He grumbled, overly annoyed but he figured he couldn’t say no to her. “It would be dark.”

“Hmm…”

“Lifeless.”

“Obviously.”

“It would…” he trailed off, glancing at Hanji to find her watching him with amused eyes and an equally amused smile on her lips. He thought about his life before he met her and how boring and stagnant everything was. There was no difference between day and night, sleeping and being awake, going out or staying inside, living or not living. Everything felt the same and nothing made him feel anything. There was no colour around him, no light, no warmth. Suddenly he felt like he had been talking about himself.

At last, to sum it all he said, “Apocalypse.”

She laughed boisterously. “Most probably, yeah.” Then she went on, “What if a universe without the earth?”

“Peaceful,” he said darkly.

“And what if there were no stars?”

He looked up again, feeling mournful all of a sudden. “Dull.”

They were going through a walking trail. The number of people around was little and the lampposts on the side of the road along with the trees created a soft, tranquil atmosphere. There was seemingly no end to Hanji’s hypothetical questions, but Levi realized he enjoyed answering them though his answers were barely sufficient and absolute nonsense. But Hanji didn’t seem to care if her bubbling laughter and the wide grin on her face were any evidence. He thought he liked the sound of her laughter especially when she laughed at something he said. It made him feel warm as if the sun had decided to move inside his ribcage.

“What do you think would happen if we had never met?”

Levi hesitated before answering, “I’d rather not think about that.”

“Why not?” Hanji asked curiously, her eyes wide, trying to find an answer in his eyes. Levi observed her features, trying to decide whether or not he should say that if they’d never met, he would go on his life like an earth that had never met the sun.

“Because I’m glad we did,” he told her instead. “I really am.”

Hanji exhaled, creating a white, puff of smoke. The light of the moon was filtering through the branches of the trees and the lampposts weren’t quite luminous enough but even so he could see the moment the expression in her eyes changed to something more sentimental, solid. It was so tangible that Levi felt like he could catch them with his hands and hold them inside his fists like something so precious, so rare. Like pearls hidden in the depths of the oceans.

“Levi,” she breathed then, her voice reflecting the emotions her eyes carried. “Not hypothetically. What do you think would happen if I were to kiss you now?”

He didn’t notice he had been holding his breath until he exhaled with a long, shivering sigh. He wasn’t even aware that they had stopped walking until he realized he couldn’t move his legs. His heart was beating so fast he barely heard his own breaths. All around them trees danced, leaves whispered secret lyrics to the wind and Hanji was looking at him, waiting for him to do something or maybe just to say something.

It took him seconds which felt like an eternity until finally his mind started functioning again. “Only one way to find out,” he whispered, hoping his voice wasn’t lost to the wind.

Her chest moved with a sigh of relief. “Right,” she whispered too, her lips curving with a pretty smile. Then she walked close enough to him to grab his shoulders and bring her face near to his. His fingers twitched on his sides, and he couldn’t look away from her lips. “Brace yourself,” she said, her breath warm on his mouth and his cheeks.

Levi only had the time to let out a soft chuckle before Hanji closed the little distance between them to finally, finally, press her lips tightly to his.

Her lips were soft, hot, and tasted like the raspberry-flavoured candy she carried in her bag all the time. It was dizzying. And as if a match falling on a puddle of gasoline, a hunger came to life inside him. Sudden and unexpected. It moved fast, travelling through his veins to the tips of his fingers, setting his skin on fire. He couldn’t control his body, couldn’t stop his arms from wrapping around her waist to pull her against him closer and closer until he felt the warmth of her body and the fast rise and fall of her chest. He followed the movements of her lips and chased after her when she parted from him long enough to breathe.

Seconds or minutes after when they pulled apart, panting, he watched her smile, addictively. “Go out with me,” she said, out of breath.

Levi had to reluctantly pull apart to look her in the eyes to see if she was serious. He blinked, “Huh?”

“Be my boyfriend,” she smirked, one of her hands was holding his nape and her thumb moved up and down on his skin. It distracted him.

Levi thought he understood now what it meant for your whole world to be upside down. He felt as if he had the sky underneath his feet, vast and boundless. But infinity didn’t scare him. Falling didn’t seem like the worst option when the clouds seem like a safe place to land.

“Okay,” he whispered.

Hanji grinned, her face illuminating with a different kind of light. Happiness, he thought. It was easy to recognize when he himself felt the same, so profoundly that he was sure it was going to keep him awake all night.

“This was easier than I thought,” Hanji said as she took one step back and he grudgingly let go of her. But then she reached out to grab his hand, tightly.

Levi stared down at their intertwined hands then up at her with inquiring eyes. “What do you mean?”

They started to walk again. “I’ve been planning this since the moment I saw you,” Hanji explained, laughing when she saw the stunned look on his face. “Don’t be so surprised. You’re quite attractive for a man your height.”

His shock quickly switched with annoyance as he glared at her harshly and tried to free his hand from hers. But tightening her hand around his, Hanji didn’t let him, “Just joking,” she said, chuckling.

“You have a shitty sense of humour.”

“But I still got you, didn’t I?”

“Don’t be so sure of yourself,” Levi said, blankly. “I can change my mind any moment.”

“Sorry,” Hanji smiled, victoriously, “Too late now.”

“Tch,” he grunted, suppressing the smile threatening to take over his lips and turning his head to the other side to hide the redness he felt in his ears. “Lame.”

Hanji gasped, “How dare you!”

He held her hand tighter and thought about the nights he took this road to walk home with a lonely soul and an exhausted heart, with the mere company of his own shadow stretching before him. Then he looked ahead at their shadows on the pavement, two silhouettes hand in hand. And this time he couldn’t stop his lips to curl upwards to shape a little, soft smile.

He could get used to this.

[sayonarasanity]

Reverberation

Chapter VIII. I.

Chapter 1- 2- 3- 4- 5- 6- 7

link to AO3

                                                      now

When Hanji lands at Rose Airport after an almost two hours and a half long flight, Kenny has already been waiting for her.

She had been thinking about this moment during the whole flight. The anticipation of seeing someone she hasn’t seen for ages had made her so nervous that she hadn’t even blinked her eyes. Her mind had been lost in memories covered in dust. And they had created a severe longing and ache in her heart. But she had been hiding them inside a chest she always treasured. Levi had broken her heart unlike anybody else, but nobody had touched the place his memory invaded, nobody could ever reach that far in her soul ever since he left. No other person had created such a persistent presence in her heart after him.

Hanji walks closer to Kenny among the rushing crowd dragging her little suitcase after herself. And he smiles at her, his title bowler hat still on his head, long hair nearly reaching his shoulders, and he has grown a beard. He wears dark denim pants and he had folded the sleeves of his white shirt. Despite how nervous she had been for the whole flight, Hanji finds herself smiling back at him, taking quicker steps towards where he is standing. The wheels of her suitcase roll loudly on the floor, signalling her arrival. 

And Kenny hugs her tightly once she is near enough. Hanji inhales the sharp odour of the cologne she is acquainted with, pressing her smile on his shirt. “Welcome, kid,” he greets her, and she hears the smile in his voice. Familiarity surrounds her and despite the years that passed she doesn’t feel uncomfortable or estranged when she hugs him back.

“It’s so nice to see you, Kenny,” Hanji says, after pulling back. She beams up at Kenny to see that he is still smiling albeit weakly at her. Now that she is closer, she can pick up the wrinkles near his eyes and the dark circles under them. Inevitably he had grown old, Hanji thinks and blazingly tired.

Then she remembers one of the reasons why she had come here in the first place and struggles while trying to decide if she should bring it up for fear that it might upset him even more. But just when she opens her mouth, Kenny talks, “Look how much you’ve grown!” he remarks, smirking. “Little Hanji is a woman now, huh?”

Hanji laughs, “Guess so,” she shrugs, postponing the issue for now, then looks at him pointedly while grinning. “And you’ve become even more handsome, don’t think I didn’t notice.”

Kenny lets out a boisterous laugh and leans down slightly to grab the handle of her suitcase. “You can’t believe how many ladies are lining up in front of my door,” he says boastingly as they start to walk towards the exit of the airport. Then his mood drops, and he growls darkly, “Too bad I have a nuisance of a niece to take care of.”

That wipes the smile off her face unbelievably quickly. “Still no news from him?”

“No,” Kenny shakes his head. “I still can’t reach him, and I’ve looked everywhere I could ever think of. No trace.”

Worry boils her stomach with furious bubbles. “Should we tell the police?”

“Nah,” Kenny declines. “Rose is a big city. I’m sure the police have so many things to do rather than tracing down the whereabouts of a grown-ass man.” He sounds angry, Hanji notices, but he has the right to. “That fucking brat.”

Hanji bits her lower lip thoughtfully as they enter the parking lot and walk towards Kenny’s car. Where might he be? Why doesn’t he pick up his phone? And how was she supposed to find him in a city as big as Rose? Maybe tracing his phone would do or his car. But she was going to need some help to do that. 

Maybe he could help her, she considers thoughtfully. 

“How long has it been?” Hanji questions, making a quick calculation in her head. “Three days?”

“Four,” Kenny corrects. “Five since the funeral.”

For the first time since her arrival, Kenny mentions Kuchel. Hanji finds herself holding her breath while her heart starts pounding faster. Yet as she watches the darkness that settled into Kenny’s eyes and the sorrowful lines that appeared on the corner of his lips, words fail to leave her mouth.

Kenny stops in front of a huge, black, flashy, fancy car and to her bewilderment opens it with the keys he pulled out from his pocket. She stands dumbfounded for a handful of seconds, watching Kenny place her suitcase on the backseat. 

“Where did the old truck go?” she asks when Kenny turns to open the passenger door for her.

“Sold it two years ago,” Kenny explains and closes her door. After Hanji settles in her seat, he goes to the other side to get in the driver's seat. He starts the engine by pressing the start button. “The old veteran had been with me during the worst of times but lately it had started to scream like a whore,” he clicks his tongue and steps on the gas, and the wheels of the car rolls smoothly on the floor as the car moves forward. 

Hanji snorts and watches the view from her window, lost in thoughts. It wasn’t only the fact that he had changed his car that surprised her, it was that he had changed it with a car as rich as this one. Seems like a lot had happened in the last eight years. It was a fair enough time for many things to switch.

“Care for a drink?” Kenny asks, dispersing her thoughts. “We have a lot to talk about.”

“Yeah, sure,” Hanji responds. She wants to ask about Kuchel yet holds herself back again. The last time she had heard about the Ackermans was almost four years ago and it was via her mother who had talked to Kuchel. She had said that she was better and free from cancer. Then what had possibly happened so unexpectedly?

The car drive had been silent. Her mind was a muddle of memories, emotions, thoughts, and questions. She thinks about the last time she had seen Levi. That last look he had given her. They both had broken each other’s hearts. Yet Hanji knew she was the first to blame. Now, when she thinks about her decision of ending their friendship back then with a mature mind, she can see how futile and childish it was. She should’ve been more open and honest about her feelings toward her best friend. There was nobody who could understand her better than Levi. But she was merely a teenager, and she was heartbroken, hurt, and in love. She didn’t know what to do about it, and had no idea how to deal with it. Unrequited love was a terrible thing. So, she had chosen the easiest and hence the most cowardly way. Ruining a years-long friendship for nothing.

However, she had never understood the decision Levi had made. The lines he had drawn were much sharper. He had put mountains between them and not only literally. They had a bond strong enough for a long-distance friendship. Moreover, she could go to Rose for university. If he had asked her to. She would do anything so that he didn’t have to endure everything alone. Yet he had never ever spoken to her even once after he left. Never answered her calls or messages. Never took the phone when she talked to Kuchel and wanted to speak with him too. 

Hanji had thought she was a rainbow, a little more permanent, and maybe a little more persistent in his sky. However, after he left, she had rather felt like a shooting star. So fast to appear and as quick to disappear in his life.

They go to a café near the airport and settle at one of the tables near the window. The waiter comes without wasting a second, placing two menus in front of them. “Welcome, boss,” he says to Kenny with respect, bowing his head slightly.

Hanji’s eyebrows shoot upright when she hears the way the waiter addresses him. Boss?

“Any news from him?” Kenny asks, taking his hat off and putting it on the table. He fixes his hair shortly.

The waiter shakes his head. He is a young man, maybe around his twenties. “I haven’t seen him for a week.”

Kenny nods, and takes the menus in his hands, handing them over to the waiter again. “Bring us two cups of black coffee,” he pauses and glances at Hanji. “You hungry?”

Hanji shakes her head. “No.” She feels so anxious she doesn’t feel like eating anything.

The waiter bows his head once more before leaving.

“So,” Kenny turns to her and gestures around the shop. “What do you think?”

Hanji chuckles quietly as she eyes her surroundings. It has a dark vibe. The counter, the chandeliers above, and the marble floors are black. There is a huge library at the back, and there are quite pretty drawings of books, coffee cups, tea leaves and���

--and a rooftop on the walls.

“It’s called the Rooftop,” Kenny explains upon her shocked face. “Levi’s idea.”

Hanji cannot answer as she examines the drawing on the wall at the other side of the café. It covers pretty much the whole of the wall. And the drawing depicts a night sky, with stars flickering and the half-moon shining. The building looks deserted, dark under the night, its construction half-done, and there are two shadows of figures, a boy, and a girl, sitting on the rooftop, with their backs to the gazer. The girl who has clearly messy hair is pointing above with her index finger, yet the boy doesn’t look at where or what she is pointing at. 

He looks at her instead.

A chill runs through her body and Hanji feels each and every hair on her body stand on end. She shivers uncontrollably, eyes fixated upon the drawing, she cannot move as if her body is locked, and her brain refuses to give any command. Her heart desperately races like it wants to break free from its prison although it bleeds like a deep, painful cut and a wound that never completely healed.

“I thought he forgot about me,” Hanji says, her throat tightening with unshed tears. 

“He never did,” Kenny tells her sincerely. “You know he never would.”

The question that has been growing like an ivy inside her head finally spills from her mouth, “Then why did he leave like that?” she whispers unable to tear her eyes away from the wall. 

“He tried to protect you, I guess,” Kenny answers although she isn’t expecting a response. “In his own way. Life was unpredictable. We didn’t know what was expecting us and what would happen. I’m guessing he didn’t want to drag you in either. So, he pushed you away instead.”

Hanji sighs, wiping a tear from her cheek. “God, we were so stupid.”

“And young,” Kenny adds. “Very young.”

The waiter brings their coffee and Hanji thanks him quietly as she wraps her fingers around the warm cup. “What exactly happened, Kenny?” Hanji looks at him. “I know Kuchel was sick, but I don’t know the details. My dad told me you found a doctor here in Rose, his friend. And I thought Kuchel was fine,” her voice trailed off when she realized that it didn’t matter anymore.

Kenny takes a sip from his coffee, and his eyes watch the black surface of the drink absently before he starts talking. “She was in the second stage of cancer when she was first diagnosed,” he tells her. “The doc said we were lucky to realize it soon and the recovery would be easier. But you know, our town was small, and the hospital didn’t provide the treatment she was supposed to get. We also needed money for the treatment as well, so the best way was to sell the house and move out to Rose.

We moved to a little apartment here, near the doctor’s clinic. Levi studied the last year of high school while Kuchel took her treatment. I started to work part-time as a cashier and courier just to earn money enough to pay for the bills and the rent. Levi wanted to find a part-time job too, but I didn’t let him. I wanted him to focus on his studies and get into that university which required money as well.” Kenny sighs and pauses to take another sip, eyes dusty and lost in memories. “We fought a lot back then. I struggled hard to understand him, that brat was basically going through hell, but we all were. I was a little harsh on him, I cannot lie. So, he grew distant from me as time passed. The only thing that kept him going was his mother. He never let what he felt outside for feel of hurting her. He worked hard at school so that she would be happy when he finally entered the university.”

Hanji listens to him quietly, afraid to cut his story for fear of it would go astray. But her fingers are tight around the cup she hadn’t even taken a sip from. 

“I knew being a cashier would bring me nowhere, so I tried starting a business. It was going well as small management. I was importing various tea leaves from overseas and selling them here. Meanwhile, Kuchel seemed to be responding to the treatment and Levi got into the University of Rose Aerospace Engineering. Kuchel was so happy and proud, I think during that time it helped her a lot to recover. I remember being very proud of that little shit,” Kenny laughs to himself, but then his mood drops, as the smile is wiped away from his face. “But then towards the end of Levi’s first year at university, I ran into a huge debt.”

“Oh?” Hanji says, surprised. After they left, they hadn’t quite kept in touch. The first year Hanji had tried to contact Levi, so when he didn’t answer any of her calls she had called Kuchel occasionally both to learn about her condition and to maybe have a chance to speak with Levi. It had never worked so she stopped after a year when she had gotten into university. Her mother still called Kuchel every so often, but they were just casual conversations. But the calls had stopped after the second year Hanji remembers. Kuchel had changed her number and they couldn't have contacted Kenny as well. They hadn’t heard from them until about four years ago. So, she had no idea they had run into a dept. “What happened?” she asks, brows knitted in worry. 

“I got scabbed,” Kenny chuckles tastelessly. “I tried to expand the business but one of the partners I got into business with took all the money and left. I had taken a loan out from a bank and left with no money plus no business at hand.”

“No way!” Hanji exclaims, bewildered. “Did you tell the police? Did they find him?”

“Nope. The police worked hard but the bastard had disappeared like a cloud of smoke. Gone, puff,” Kenny gestures with his hands to raise the impact. “I’m still on him though. I’ll make the son of a bitch pay once I get my hands on him,” he growls, spitefully.

“So, what happened?”

“So,” Kenny goes on, swallowing another sip from his coffee. “We couldn’t pay the bills and the rent. In the end, the landlord threw us out. Kuchel started going bad again and Levi didn’t talk to me for months. The brat suspended his studies at the end of his freshmen year and didn’t continue the university for two years.”

Sadness washes over her like a huge ocean wave, to the point of threatening to swallow her whole. She had heard about Levi getting into university. Hanji recalls how happy that news had made her. Maybe even happier than the fact that she had gotten into university as well. It had given her hope that Levi hadn’t forgotten all about the future they had built together, with the company of stars and moon as the witness. But as it seems life was unwarrantedly tyrannic against him. Her heart crashes under the weight of the reality that he had been alone throughout this all. He had to endure everything on his own. And she wonders again, no matter what Kenny says, why he hadn’t let her be beside him.

“We moved into an even smaller apartment,” Kenny continues. “Which wasn’t good for Kuchel’s health, and was also getting worse. I haven’t got any money for special care but I asked the doctor to take care of her in his clinic, or at least in a hospital. Just for a few months until I got a proper fucking job.” He sighs, sliding his hand through his face, he grabs his beard. “I begged him, Hanji. I almost got down on my goddamn knees. Because it was all my fault. I couldn’t accept that she was dyin’, you know?”  

Hanji nods, “But you were doing your best,” she says softly. 

Kenny chuckles dryly. “Not my best apparently,” he shakes his head and looks out through the window. “The doc did let her stay, thankfully. He was a good man. This time I let Levi get a job as well and I got into one. We both worked hard, and saved enough money to start a business again, and although it almost took two years this time it was surprisingly successful. Turns out that little bastard had some commercial acumen after all,” Kenny laughs. “Say it luck, bless, or whatever. I don’t know what the fuck it was, but it did bring us to where we are now.”

Hanji’s body visibly relaxes, and she smiles. “I’m glad.”

“At the end of that year Kuchel was finally free from cancer,” Kenny goes on. “Levi went back to the university, and I expanded the business, and made new partners. We opened this café when Levi was in his sophomore year. With time it became a brand. We have quite a couple of branches in Sina as well. Maybe you had seen them too?”

Hanji hums, looking around the café, and her eyes linger on the wall on the opposite side of her a little longer. “I guess I did but I haven’t gone to one yet. Didn’t know it was this popular.”

“I think people love its vibe,” Kenny says, and when Hanji stares at him she finds him looking at the same drawing. “It feels nostalgic, don’t you think?”

“It does,” Hanji agrees quietly. After all these years she had thought that what she had with Levi was just a beautiful, dreamy, almost otherworldly memory. When she contemplates the past, she is amazed by the way the two of them had matched with each other. Like two lost pieces of a puzzle. Ever since they were apart, she had always felt like a part of her was missing, and maybe it was the problem of each one of us. We were never whole before we found our other part. But the thing with her was that she had lost something she already had. Sometimes it felt like looking into the mirror and cannot see anything. Terrifying. As if she was transparent and her colours were missing. And she had believed that she was bound to live like this. She had thought that she had accepted his absence. But maybe she had been fooling herself the whole time.

“I always thought that maybe if you were with him things would’ve been different,” Kenny sighs. “But that’s something you should talk about with him instead.”

The thought of seeing him makes anxiety crawl like a snake in her stomach. She doesn’t feel ready to meet him again, but she is also nervously thrilled. He must’ve grown up a lot, she thinks. He was just a boy when he left and now, he must’ve become a man. It feels strange to even think about it. That image of a mature Levi doesn’t match that skinny, gloomy, sarcastic boy in her mind. 

“What about Kuchel?” Hanji asks, changing the subject. “I thought she was okay.”

“We thought she was okay too,” the corners of his lips are pulled down, and Kenny pushes the coffee cup away from him. “But that fucking malady found her again just a month ago. And it was so quick to take her away we couldn’t do anything… we didn’t even have the time to do anything.”

The bell on the door jingles as someone else walks into the café, a young lady with long, wavy black hair and gentle eyes and Hanji thinks of Kuchel, how bright her smile was when Hanji talked about everything she had learned at school that day, and how warm her arms were the times she hugged her tight to say goodbye. Her eyes fill with tears involuntarily, and she swallows to send them back. “I wish I could’ve seen her one last time.”

“She was so happy when she heard you got into the university you know,” Kenny smiles lopsidedly at her. “We all were.”

Hanji laughs hoarsely and sniffs then thinks that even if she was this much affected by her death then she cannot even imagine what Levi had been through. The thought rises a precise determination inside her, and she swipes all the concerns and fears she has about seeing him. She has to find him first and make sure that he was alright. 

She stares at Kenny directly, displaying her resolution. Past heartbreaks, conflicts, and disagreements didn’t matter now. Levi needed her and she was going to help him get up to his feet again. She owed him that much.

“I am going to find him,” she tells Kenny, and she sees the trust in his eyes. “I promise.”

  Hanji presses the bell of the apartment door and holds her suitcase with her other hand as she waits for the door to open. She hears distant rumbles and chatting and a few seconds later the door opens wide, revealing a tall, young brunette with a man bun and pretty green eyes. “Hanji!” the young man yells excitedly.

“Eren!” Hanji yells back and laughs as he pulls her in her for a quick hug. She pats his back. “How have you been?”

“Great!” he pulls back and grabs her suitcase, signalling her to come inside. “What about you?”

“Not bad,” Hanji shrugs and Eren closes the door behind her, and puts her suitcase in the corner for the time being. “Just trying to put up with your brother.” 

Eren rolls his eyes and Hanji smirks. The two brothers cannot really get along well. Mr. Zeke Jeager was Eren’s older brother, and she had met Eren through him. Their relationship was even worse five years ago. Zeke was trying to persuade Eren to work under him in the facility, yet Eren hadn’t accepted, saying that he was going to work as a freelancer and also focus on developing his artistic skills. Thanks to Hanji’s backing, Eren freed himself from his brother and moved to Rose after he graduated from university.   

“Is he giving you a hard time?” Eren asks when they start walking towards what Hanji predicted as the kitchen. “Cocky bastard.”

Hanji laughs and shakes her head. “No, he is fine.”

Eren sends her a quick, suspicious stare but doesn’t object. “If you say so.”

They in fact go to the kitchen. It is small but large enough to fit in a wooden, rectangular table and three chairs one of which a handsome blonde boy with blue eyes sits. He lightens up when he sees Hanji entering inside and smiles brightly. “Hanji!” he greets her, and she beams at him, waving her hand as a brief hello. 

“Armin how are you?” she says as she settles down on another chair. Hanji knows Armin since the first day she started working at Jeager Space Administration. He was an intern there then and Eren’s close and also very loyal friend. He had followed him to Sina and as far as Hanji knew they had been working as ethical hackers at home.

“Better now that I saw you,” he winks, and Hanji whistles at his generous choice of words.

“You’ve become bold I see,” she remarks, putting her elbow on the table and resting her chin on her palm. He was a shy, quiet boy back then. “Is it Eren’s doing?”

“Not at all,” Eren answers instead as he places a cup of tea in front of her. The smell is soft and soothing like cinnamon and vanilla. “It is his girlfriend.”

“You have a girlfriend?!”

“She is not my girlfriend!”

They both exclaim at the same time, Hanji stares at Armin with his mouth wide open. The boy flushes red, and angry marks appear between his eyebrows. He repeats, calmer this time, “She is not my girlfriend.”

“Yet,” Eren murmurs. 

Armin throws the teaspoon at him just as Eren sits on the chair across from Armin. It merely hits his shoulder and clackers as it falls to the ground. Eren snickers and throws a meaningful glance at Hanji at which Hanji smirks, returning her gaze to a very flushed Armin. “There is nothing to be ashamed of,” she encourages him. “It’s okay to have a crush, totally normal.”

“I’m gonna kill myself,” Armin mutters, annoyed. “I swear, I will.”

Hanji lets out a belly deep laugh, doubling over the table. Eren takes a very intended, loud sip from his drink. “You have to accept the fact that you like Annie.”

Hanji holds up her index finger like she is going to declare something exceptionally important, “Accepting is the key,” she then sighs and bites the inside of her cheek, her mood instantly dropping. She thinks about the boy fell in love with and how late she was to finally become aware of it. “Don’t make the mistake that I did.”

Silence falls upon the two younger men. Hanji’s eyes zero on the table, absently, and she remembers the reason why she has come here in the first place. Anxiety floods over her again, making her stomach curl into itself. She cannot waste any more time.

“So,” Eren starts, pulling her out of her thoughts. “You want us to find someone?”

She takes a deep breath and nods, staring into his careful, green eyes. “Yes,” she approves. “But his phone is turned off. And he has left his car.” Kenny had told her when she asked if they could find him through his number plate. It left them with no choice but to trace his phone. Unluckily it was turned off. So, she wasn’t even sure if it was going to work.

“It might take a while,” Eren says, after doing some consideration. “It’s harder to trace a turned-off phone but not impossible.” He looks at Armin for confirmation.

“Yeah, don’t worry.” Armin stares at her, smiling genuinely. “We will find your friend. But you look tired. Why don’t you nap for a while? We’ll wake you up when we locate him.”

Hanji immediately opens her mouth to reject, but Eren supports Armin’s words. “Good idea,” he tells her, drawing her attention back to him. “You look, no offense but, pretty bad like you haven’t slept for a week.”

It hadn’t been a week, but she sure hadn’t taken a decent sleep for at least two nights. “I don’t know,” she says, hesitating. Admittedly, she was tired but wasn’t sure if she could sleep.

“You can take my bed,” Eren stands up, not leaving any choice to her. “Leave the rest to us.”

  The moment sleep miraculously takes over her brain, she dreams of him.

He stands on the edge of the roof, his back to her and dark hair waving like the last time the two of them were here. Hanji stares at his back, as the wind blows harshly so much so that the sound howls in her ears and her eyes water, her hair wildly moving, and she takes a step forward to reach him. Yet it feels like she is stepping into the darkness, the ground is hollow and strangely almost feels liquid under her feet. Although she still stands, she has a feeling she might fall any second.

Then she calls his name, yet no sound leaves her mouth. When she tries to walk closer, her legs won’t move and her sobs line one by one in her throat. Hot tears skid down her cheeks, and even in her dream they are so vivid she can actually feel them burning her skin.

Eventually, Levi turns to her. He is young, sixteen at most, and his face is serene with a smile as he opens his arms, he looks at her as if she is made of stars. Hanji’s breath hitches and she feels years-long remorse, pain, and grief create a whirlwind in her ribcage. 

Levi’s lips move but no voice accompanies whatever words leave his mouth. And then before Hanji makes her brain work and reaches out to him before she can yell how sorry and regretful she is for what she’s done the last time she had seen him on this roof, with a tear running down his cheek he lies back and lets himself fall back into nothingness.

“Hanji!” someone, shakes her shoulder, tearing her away from the depths of her subconscious. She gasps, opening her eyes with a jolt to see Eren watching her with apprehension. “Hey,” he says softly, his fingers grabbing her shoulder kindly as if soothing her. “Are you okay?”

Hanji realizes her body is still trembling because of the nightmare she had seen, and real tears had wetted her cheek. She inhales shakily, trying to adjust her breathing, and nods, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand. “I’m fine,” she cuts, even though she absolutely did not feel fine. “Did you—”

“We found him,” Eren answers before she even asks the question. “He is in a remote area, so I don’t want you to take a taxi there. I’ll take you myself.”

Suddenly, for a split second, she is relieved, relieved that at least they found him and there is only one more thing left to do. “You don’t have to,” Hanji objects as she straightens up in his bed. 

However, Eren shakes his head. “It’s dark, we are almost near midnight. And I have a motorbike. It’ll be easier and quicker.”

At that Hanji stares through the window to see the sky pitch black. How long had she slept? “Alright then,” she accepts not finding the energy to oppose him anymore. Especially not when she knew that he was right and obviously reasonable. “Let’s go. I don’t want to be late any longer.”

  Eren wasn’t lying when he said Levi was in a remote area. The streets they drive through are small and narrow, with cars lined throughout the sidewalk. The buildings are not tall, and they are old, their frontline worn out and painting unraveling. Hanji observes her surroundings underneath her helmet from where she sits behind Eren on his motorbike. What was Levi doing here anyway? In such a deserted area? No wonder Kenny hadn’t been able to find him. Eren and Hanji had come a long way to reach his location. Why had he chosen here of all places? 

Finally, after what felt like another half an hour Eren stops his motor. Hanji looks around curiously, there isn’t much of anything around except for a deserted and empty child park, a few buildings, and barely any cars. 

She steps out of the motorbike and takes off the helmet Eren had given to her and hands it back to him. Eren takes off his own too and signals the building behind her with his chin. 

“He must be here.”

Hanji turns, and she has to bend her head a little to see the building properly. And when she does, immediately the familiarity sucks the breath out of her lungs.

In front of her, a derelict, deserted, concrete building stands, with no windows or doors. Half-finished construction, unclaimed and lonely. A painfully close imitation of that one building that had been their second home for years. The lonely thing that held almost all of their childhood memories, their laughs and cries, and the dreams that never came true. 

She finds herself nodding. The moment she laid her eyes on it, she knew she had found him. “I know he is here.” Hanji looks at Eren one last time, smiling, “Thank you, Eren. I’ll handle the rest.”

“You sure?” Eren hesitates, “I can wait here a little longer. In case you cannot find him.”

Hanji glances back at the building, at its paint-free walls, and familiar shadow. The roof waits for her on top, and somehow, she knows that once she is up there he will be there too.

“It’s alright,” she assures him and turns around. “I will find him.” And then without a second thought or a hesitation, with the company of memories on her side and the smell of nostalgia on the tip of her nose she walks into the building to find her best friend, her first love, her most painful and most beautiful memory on top of the rooftop.

[sayonarasanity]

Reverberation

Chapter VI

link to AO3

chapter 1- 2- 3- 4- 5

notes: So, I don't have enough words to apologize properly for the insanely long wait. Let's hope the next chapter won't be up after a year (and two months. god, i'm truly sorry). Thank you for being patient with me :')

Saturday afternoon, the sky was dark, and the weather was slightly cold. The clouds, murky and grey were the precursor of rain. Levi watched them with narrowed eyes, the wind scattered his hair, and he thought that it was quite a cliché metaphor for the weather to match how he felt at the moment. Standing in front of his best friend’s door, clutching a book in his left hand, digging his nails into its rough surface, and hoping for a miracle to happen to just teleport him to where Hanji was because he absolutely did not want to face her mother right now. 

But miracles never happened, not for him anyway. As a way of his nature, he didn’t quite attract good things to himself. And apparently, he sucked at keeping the ones that he was surprisingly lucky enough to get. 

“No, fuck this. I am not losing her,” he muttered harshly at himself before pressing the doorbell with all his might. Consequences be damned. 

The door opened after approximately three seconds which felt like he was waiting for the book which would decide whether he was going to end up in hell or heaven be landed to him. “Levi!” Mrs. Zoe greeted him with a radiant smile reminiscing of her daughter. 

Levi was tense, incredibly so and for obvious reasons, yet seemingly Hanji’s mother didn’t hate him and even though he was curious as to why she didn’t, he wasn’t going to argue about it. He tried to relax and give her a proper enough smile. “Hello, Mrs. Zoe.”

“Hello, love. Come on in,” she gestured inside with her head. “You’re here to see Hanji, right?”

“Yeah,” he answered quietly, stepping inside the house. The door locked behind him and he threw a nervous look toward the stairs. “Is she upstairs?”

“She didn’t leave the attic the whole day,” Mrs. Zoe complained, shaking her head. “I bet she is starving up there but refuses to accept it,” she sighed and then much to his dismay, eyed him from head to toe, which caused his already tense muscles to get even more strained. “Are you guys okay? She won’t tell me anything, but I can see she is upset.”

Yep, there it was. “I…” he started, fucked up, he finished inside his head. He wasn’t going to give her any more reasons to despise him by cursing out loud. “We… had an argument. Kind of,” he trailed off towards the end, eyes cast down, and voice lowered. He didn’t want to face the eyes which reminded him so much of Hanji and the eyes possibly carrying disappointment and hurt. 

“I see,” Hanji’s mother said. Levi supposed she didn’t sound angry but couldn’t be quite sure for he wasn’t facing her still. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

He looked up, somewhat surprised, and saw her smiling at him warmly. There was no resentment in her eyes, only understanding of a mother who had experience enough not to judge a young boy who was still in the process of learning what was right and wrong.

“I hope so.”

  The old wooden floor creaked under his hands and then his feet as he climbed to the attic. He secured the book in his hand as his eyes fixated on the navy, worn-out blanket that was struggling to hold its place on top of the army of books after all those years that had passed by. He walked towards it slowly, nails digging into the hardcover of the book, and his heart beating deafeningly loud in his ears. 

You brought this upon yourself, Ackerman, a part of his brain that very likely hated him chided him inside his head. And Levi hated that it was right. He wished it could make things easier. 

“For the last time mom, I am not hungry!” Hanji’s ruffled voice came under the tent just as he was about to raise the blanket. “Is it really so hard to respect a girl’s need for solitude? It’s 21st century, for God’s sake.”

She was lying on her back, her knees bent for she wasn’t small enough to fit inside otherwise anymore, there was a book lying open on her face which was… Levi tilted his head to read the title, oh it was Romeo and Juliet, no surprise. And she was wearing one of his old sweatshirts which he had forgotten even existed and had no idea she had. 

“How many times are you going to read this book?” Levi asked, lifting it from her face. He was about to peek at the page she had left open, but the book was snatched out of his hand before he even had a chance to do so. 

“What are you doing here?”

Her hair was all over the place as per usual, glasses askew as he was used to seeing before but the somber line of her knitted eyebrows and the fragile look in her eyes were new, and thinking that he was the reason for all of this made the guilty clutches in his stomach to crawl even deeper. The lines around her eyes indicated that she had been crying and he hated himself even more for it. 

“I came to apologize,” he whispered and tried to swallow the lump in his throat then handed her the book he had been clinging like his life depending on it. “And to give you this.”

“What is this?” Hanji asked, and she adjusted her glasses as she eyed the book. Levi realized she was trying to control her facial expressions to not give away much of what she actually felt. But he knew her too well to not notice even the slightest of changes on the lines of her face. The suppressed jerk of her eyebrows, the rapid, confused blinking, the way her lips part open, and the little gasp that escaped her mouth. Everything about her was all too familiar. He watched her as if he was watching a movie for the third time. Already knowing what was going to happen yet being unable to tear his eyes away from the screen. The number of times spent watching it wouldn’t change the fact that it was a masterpiece. 

Eventually, she extended her hand with hesitation and caution, her fingertips touched the rugged surface of the book and followed the lines of the title written in black, bold letters.

Notes from a Dead House.

“Where on earth did you find this?” The question was barely a whisper, but the excitement underneath was impossible to ignore. There was no way she could hide her emotions, not from him. She grabbed the book at last, with both hands and tightly as if she couldn’t believe it was in fact real. Her eyes widened and brightened as she observed every little detail about it.

Levi already knew she would be beyond happy to hold the book in her hands, but he had imagined the moment to be full of her enthusiastic shrieks and jumps and maybe he had expected a small, thankful hug from her too but now he was fully aware that he did not deserve it at all. And it hurt to know that he was the cause of her current silence.

“I brought it from an old bookstore about two weeks ago,” he explained, remembering the time he had seen the book for the first time among the very other ancient, second-hand books. Judging from the design of its hardcover it was possibly a special edition at its time which was possibly the 20th century. He had been planning on buying her a gift with the money he had gained working at his uncle’s market on summer and the moment he had laid eyes on the book he had thought that it was the perfect gift he could possibly ever find for her. “I was waiting for the right moment to give it to you.”

Hanji stared at the book quietly, her nails digging into the surface. Too quiet in fact it made him uneasy. She had bent her head down and made her hair cover her face, so he couldn’t take a good look at her face to understand what had happened for her to shut herself down so suddenly. He started to worry, tension returning back to his body, wondering if somehow, he did something wrong again. Was it even possible to fuck things up even further?

“Hanji,” he said, quietly, so softly that it sounded strange even to his own ears. “Hey, look at me. You didn’t like it? I’m sure they will allow us to change it for another book if you didn’t—”

The sound of her sniffs cut him in mid-sentence. His body stilled, mouth agape he stared at her covered face as she took off her glasses and pressed her face on the inside of her elbow, hiding her tears. Small, shivering breaths along with short sobs left her lips and he could do nothing but sat there and watch. With each drop of a tear falling down from her chin, and with every little broken sob escaping her mouth he felt weaker and weaker still. 

“I’m so sorry,” he said, the words sounded almost like a plea. Like he begged her to believe that he was. “Fuck, I’m so sorry Hanji. I should’ve—”

“Ugh, I hate crying,” Hanji whined, suddenly lifting her face from her elbow she grabbed a tissue that looked like it was used before and cleaned her face with it. “I really really do. It’s all your fault.”

Although the sudden change of emotions surprised him, he ignored it. “I know,” he accepted without hesitation. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing, it doesn’t suit you.” She put her glasses back on. “You should feel sorry though.”

He blinked, a little confused, and almost snorted but figured it wasn’t the best timing to do that. “Yeah, well, I do.”

“I hate you,” Hanji said, trailing her fingers on the cover of the book which was lying on the floor at the moment. There was a small pout on her lips and a crease between her eyebrows.  

Levi wasn’t sure if she had meant it yet the words sunk into his skin like millions of well-whetted daggers. “Okay,” he accepted quietly.

Finally, she looked up at him, and her eyes were swollen and sorrowful, thoughtful. Hanji was made of colors and Levi had seen various of her shades. She was always painted in the most luminous of tones, and he thought that the color of sorrow didn’t suit her at all. She was made to carry the sun, not the bleak clouds. 

She sighed then, bit her lip before she spoke again. “I’m sorry too.”

“What for?” Levi asked, curiously, observing her face. 

“For overreacting,” she shrugged, her voice was a little bit rough from crying. “I should’ve acted more mature. It was stupid.”

“You were right though,” Levi said, genuinely. “It wasn’t stupid. I should’ve told you.”

“You should’ve,” Hanji pressed, raising her brows. “I am your best friend for a reason, dummy. I should be the first person to know about your crushes and dates and your first kiss and all that. I should know them even before you do.”

Levi snorted this time, feeling a little lightened. “How’s that going to even work?”

“I’ll make it,” she smiled at him. It wasn’t one of her big, radiant smiles but it was enough. “Anyways, I’ll make you pay for all the tears that I shed since yesterday. Tell me about your date now. How was it?”

He must’ve been carrying a ton of metal inside his chest for now he felt like it was lifted, and he was able to breathe again. “I don’t know. It was nice, I guess.”

“You don’t know?” Hanji asked, evidently surprised. “That’s mean, Levi.”

“I was kind of thinking about you, idiot,” Levi said, glaring at her. “You know, for obvious reasons. I don’t even remember what the movie was about.”

“Oh,” Hanji blinked her eyes at him, somehow having the audacity to act surprised. “Yep, sorry about that.”

Levi rolled his eyes. “Yeah, if only you could’ve acted more mature—”

It earned him a hard land of her fist right on his bicep. “Oof!” he yelled, grabbing the hurt part of his arm. “The hell? Have you been working out?”

“Don’t be stupid. When did you ever see me working out?” 

He didn’t even need to think twice. “Never.”

“Yeah, it’s the bones.” 

“Right.”

There was a silence, a slightly more comfortable and welcomed one compared to the previous ones. Hanji observed the pages of the book meanwhile. There was a portrait of Dostoyevsky on the second page and a not very detailed drawing of the prison from outside on the following two pages. The smile on her lips widened the more she examined the pages. 

Then she closed it and chewed on her cheek before speaking, “I didn’t mean it, you know?”

“Hm?” Levi hummed, not being able to make any connection. “What do you mean?”

She sighed and hugged her knees, resting her chin on top of them. “I don’t hate you. I kind of did yesterday, but not anymore.”

“Thanks,” he said, dryly. 

“I guess, I was kind of surprised, you know?” She looked at him as if she wanted him to understand her point. “I always thought it was just the two of us. There was no one nearer to you than me and visa versa. But I mean, it’s a normal thing. We won’t stay single forever, after all.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” He tried to imagine her with a strange man, standing next to her on an aisle while they made their wedding vows which tied them for the rest of their lives. And he imagined him kissing her, as she smiled into it, way so happy to have found the love of her life. And for some reason, he didn’t understand he hated the man he had just made up. “You planning on getting married?”

She bent her lower lip, “I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it. Maybe.” Her interrogating eyes found his. “Do you?”

He shrugged. “Don’t know. Doesn’t matter.”

Hanji hummed, nodding. “So, are you two dating or what?”

It took him a few seconds to understand that she was talking about Petra. “Well, I guess? We didn’t have much time to talk about it.”

“Don’t tell me you left her alone at the cinema.”

“No, I walked her home. I am not a barbarian.”

“Yeah, well, you sound like you have no idea what you’re doing.”

“Because I don’t!” Last night was kind of weird. He had thought about Hanji and their fight throughout the whole movie, guilt burning hot like boiling iron in his stomach. And apart from a few comments about the movie they hadn’t talked much afterwards as he walked her home. He remembered now the hurt in her eyes as she told him goodbye. And he realized that he possibly owed an apology to her too. 

“Do you like her?” Hanji asked abruptly.

“Huh?” Levi blinked his eyes at her, confused. “What?”

“You heard me,” she raised her brows for emphasis. “Do you?”

Levi took some time to think about it. Did he like Petra? He thought about her gentle smile, soft hair, and fresh smell. And how her hand had felt like when it touched against his last night.

“You are blushing,” Hanji pointed out and Levi found her smirking. “You do like her! Oh my God, when did you grow so much?” She wiped invisible tears from under her eyes.

“Don’t be dramatic,” Levi snapped, cursing at his own flesh for betraying him.

“Ask her out then,” Hanji said, after clearing her non-existent tears from her face.

“What?” 

“Ask her out again. You need to make it up to her, Levi.”

“I—” He started, stunned. He had been feeling like shit the whole day yesterday and the first half of today that he hadn’t even thought about what to do about Petra. Now he felt like an asshole for not doing so. “Yeah, that’s actually… not a bad idea.”

“Of course, it is not,” Hanji said, smiling smugly. “You’re lucky to have a genius as a friend.”

Levi snorted just as her stomach growled angrily. Her eyes widened as her hand grabbed his sweatshirt as if to calm her stomach down. “A genius who forgets eating,” he said, raising a brow at her.

“Everyone has flaws, Levi,” Hanji remarked as she climbed out of the tent. “We’re all humans after all.”

--

  Not to brag about it, but Hanji knew she was smart ever since she was merely a child. It was the remarks from her parents at first, the awe in their eyes when she said something apparently abnormal coming out of a five-year-old’s mouth. Then her teachers and their shocked faces during maths class. It was followed by the whispers leaving her classmates’ lips and the sometimes jealous sometimes curious stares of the adults. She had never used her wits to pump her ego. She used it to learn about the secrets the universe had many many in store. It was infinite, fascinating. And she was gifted, and she knew how to use it.

Now, however, as she watched her best friend talk with his girlfriend in front of the windows of the school corridor from her place just across from them, leaning back against the stair rail, and chewing the poor straw of her chocolate milk furiously, she thought that maybe Levi was right all along. Maybe she was an idiot after all. Because there was no other explanation for the advice she had given to Levi. Ask her out. Hah. Genius, my ass.

The packet of the milk crumbled inside of her fist as she sucked the very last drop and the straw made some very miserable voices as if it was choking, but that didn’t stop her from inhaling whatever was left inside no matter the fact that it was merely and basically air. 

“I think that’s empty now.” 

Before she figured out who was talking and about what, the overly chewed straw had left her lips. And she blinked, looked at her hand which was no longer holding her beloved chocolate milk, and then looked at the offender of the act. “Erwin?”

The blond smiled at her after throwing the empty packet of milk into the trash bin. Then leaned against the railing next to her. “Sorry. It just seemed like you were giving it a very hard time.”

“Ah,” she scratched her hair sheepishly, and answered with, “Yeah, it is pretty hard to let go of something you love.” To which Erwin raised his thick eyebrows, and Hanji realized the sentence had a deeper meaning than she intended to. “The milk,” she added immediately, his knowing gaze, although she wasn’t exactly sure of what he knew, terrified her. “The milk is what I love.”

“I can see that,” Erwin said, his smile widened and revealed a line of perfectly white and straight teeth. “I also see that they are getting along really well.” He bent his head to the side, gesturing to where Petra and Levi were. 

Her eyes trailed in the direction, albeit reluctantly but also uncontrollably. Levi was telling Petra something she couldn’t hear. His eyes were not sharp as they usually were, and his features were relaxed, his body language was confident with one hand inside the pocket of his school pants. Petra listened to him beaming, eyes shining like the midday sun, and laughing at the things he said. Hanji guessed there weren’t many people who would be entertained by Levi’s cold, ironic –albeit witty—sense of humor. And apparently, Petra wasn’t one of them. 

It wasn’t quite easy to explain what kind of a thing the scene before her awakened inside of her. A demon, she thought. A hungry and ugly demon who took great pleasure in the way her blood boiled through her veins, of the way her heart drummed inside of her ribcage as if it produced a poison that would eventually kill her slowly and painfully. 

She barely hummed to at least let Erwin know that she agreed. They were in fact getting along really well as she also listened from Levi. Almost every day after school. On top of the rooftop that belonged to the two of them. She watched him while he watched the stars, his eyes reflecting their light, talking about the girl he liked. 

Just as Hanji was about to turn her back, Levi’s gaze left Petra for a second and traveled towards her. Like he was already aware of her presence. 

Hanji held his gaze for only a few seconds, just looking at him without a smile or an acknowledgment. There was no explanation for the way her heart started beating louder during these short seconds. No explanation as to why her body reacted the way it did while she thought that she was okay with all of this. 

She turned her back and then rested her elbows on top of the railing. Erwin copied her, and she felt him studying her face but chose to ignore it. She expected Erwin to interrogate her, and ask her questions about what she thought about Levi and Petra. The thumb of her right hand drew digging circles into the palm of her left hand and Hanji embraced herself for the upcoming blow as she thought about the answers she didn’t have.

“Are you free after school?”

Erwin was an interesting boy. From the day they had first met, he had intrigued her. She was stunned by the way his mind worked. Strategically, as if he was a commander of an army. There was also his severity and his tragically lacking sense of humor. 

Right now, as she blinked at him in shock, she thought that maybe there was even more to him than she had collected by now. “Huh?”

“There is a library,” he started to explain. “It’s a little far from here but it’s close to the sea and—”

“Is it an old one?” Hanji asked, the curiosity inside her rising. She didn’t even realize that she was closer to Erwin now, leaning towards him, with huge, beaming eyes. 

“Well, no, unfortunately,” Erwin said and chuckled at her thrill. “But it’s a new one, barely one-year-old. So, it’s very classy.”

“Ohooo,” she cheered, bouncing on her feet. “Alright, let’s go then.”

Erwin stared at her, dumbfounded. “Right now?”

“What? No,” she stilled, but her body was fidgety as she took two quick, short steps towards Erwin and then another two backward. “I can’t bunk off. But we are definitely going after school.”

It earned her another chuckle from Erwin. “Alright then. It’s settled.”

--

  Snow was approaching.

Hanji watched the darkening sky while riding the swing back and forth, birds flew past the clouds and the clouds moved quietly covering the sky. First, rain would come, and then snow. The park was empty, with no children playing, no shrieks, no laughter. It was as dead as winter, as lifeless as the naked tree she had buried the bird under. 

A sigh escaped her lips and she realized that her shoelaces were undone. She was sure she had tied them before leaving home or hadn’t she? She couldn’t remember. It didn’t matter now anyway. She bent down to tie them again but just as she reached for the laces, she heard his voice.

“Why the hell are you wearing sneakers?”

Before she even had time to look up at him to respond, he was already kneeling in front of her, her shoelaces between his fingers. Hanji didn’t answer. Instead watched the way his hair fell before his eyes, dark strands blocking the view of his face. Her fingers twitched as if to reach out and comb them back and she almost did but Levi was done with lacing the shoes. He glanced at her from between the black strands and then combed them back himself. 

“Hey,” she greeted him, smiling. 

He adjusted his position, sitting on one knee instead, and bent the other one, resting his elbow on top of it. His gaze on her was unwavering, cautious, and observing. Brows furrowed, it was as though he searched for something, something particular and it made her restless which was unexpected. Levi never made her uncomfortable. Yet she wanted to escape his eyes now, afraid to reveal too much.

He raised a brow and Hanji realized he was still waiting for an answer. “Boots are uncomfortable.” 

“You’ll get used to it once you start wearing it.” He paused then tilted his head slightly to the side. Hanji held his gaze, but it took a great deal of effort not to avert her eyes to the tree standing behind him. A tiny sparrow landed on one of its weak branches. It painfully resembled the dead bird she had found back then.

“Are you okay?”

“Huh, what?” Hanji asked, clearly stunned. She blinked her eyes rapidly behind her glasses. “Of course, I am. Why?”

“You don’t look okay,” he explained, shifting slightly on his feet, readjusting his position on the ground. “Lately you seem… kind of different.”

Abruptly, her heart took a faster rhythm and a few seconds got wasted as she tried to find her voice again. “What do you mean?”

Levi shrugged. “You are quiet.” One side of his lips quivered as if suppressing a smile. “For your own standards, I mean.”

Hanji let out a quiet chuckle, laying her head backwards, she observed the clouds. To be honest, she was surprised that Levi had noticed it. Her fingers grabbed the chains of the swing tightly and she leaned back as far as she can. “It’s the weather.”

“What?”

“The weather,” she repeated. “It’s gloomy.”

“I’ve never heard you complain about it before,” Levi said, there was some rustling. He must’ve gotten up. “I thought you liked winter.”

“I do.” Clouds moved so tenderly, and so calmly like they didn’t carry temples along with them. It resembled a lot of the seconds passing by so gently without being noticed. The future held storms. Too bad there was no prewarning like the clouds above. “I don’t think it likes me back though.”

“Hanji.” 

Levi held the chains right above her hands. His skin was half warm half cold, but it was soft. She wondered out of nowhere, what they felt like when he held Petra’s hands. Were they warmer, or did he use her warmth to get warm himself? She had held Levi’s hands countless times before. What was there to be so curious about?

However, she wondered, nonetheless. And for whatever reason, the thought alone hurt. And it hurt a lot.

“Look at me,” he commanded. Their knees touched, and she followed his order. Then she returned to her previous position to see him more clearly. This close, it was easier to make out the altering emotions in his eyes, the waves of the dark blue. Rising and falling. 

“You can fool anyone,” he said, holding eye contact stubbornly. “But not me.”

“I am not trying to fool you,” she defended herself. “I am fine. Whatever you think it is, it’s just a phase. It will pass.” 

His brows were knitted, and his mouth was drawn in a thin line. He wasn’t convinced. “I want to help.”

She almost cried. Right then and there. Spilled all the tears that were gathered in the well right behind her eyes. They were already dangerously close to the surface, and she almost almost let them all out. 

But the rain acted faster than her tears. A few drops landed on her face, and she swallowed the lump in her throat, covered the well, and beamed at her best friend. “Don’t worry about me.” 

He sighed and he seemed like he wasn’t done talking but the rain was getting heavier. Hanji covered her head with her hoodie and got up from the swing. “Let’s go.”

Levi nodded and drew his own hoodie over his hair. Hanji walked past him in the direction of the bus stop but after a few steps Levi called out to her. “Wait!”

She turned back to him. “What is it?”

His eyes traveled down to her sneakers. Then he gestured behind him. “Get on my back.”

“Why?” Hanji asked, shocked for the second time today. 

“Your feet will get wet. Then you will get sick again.”

She pouted, lifting her foot and staring at the accused sneakers. “But you will be tired.”

He shook his head. “The bus stop is not far. Besides,” his mouth curled slightly, and she found herself staring at it longer than necessary. “I am experienced.”

That made her laugh and somehow made her feel lighter. “If you insist.”

Levi walked quietly, carrying Hanji on his back. She grabbed her wrist and rested her chin on his shoulder. The rain wetted them slowly, it wasn’t heavy enough to soak their clothes. Hanji contemplated the words he said to her, and how he looked so worried. She hadn’t realized she was reflecting on what was happening inside. 

“Is Petra coming?”

Even before asking the question, there was a weird feeling in her stomach. Like she had lost something precious but wasn’t aware. Now the emptiness bugged her, yet she couldn’t do anything about it.

“Yeah, she‘ll meet us at the cinema.” He paused while Hanji nodded. Her chin dug into his shoulder. “Are you okay with it? Sorry, I couldn’t say no when she asked if she could come too.”

“It’s fine,” Hanji sighed, inhaling the smell of the wet earth and asphalt. “I guess, I don’t have you all to myself anymore.”

She had intended for the words to come out as a joke, but they had sounded much more somber. She thought then that this was probably the root of what had been bothering her lately. Having to give away a piece of what was once all yours. 

“I don’t know if you can belong to someone as a whole.” Hanji blinked, she hadn’t expected Levi to respond to her, especially not like this. Rising her chin from his shoulder, she observed his profile. His eyes were thoughtful, looking ahead. There were drops of rain on his face, and strands of black, wet hair had stuck on his forehead. His eyelashes were wet too. They looked like the petals of a sunflower. “But a part of me will always belong to you.” 

A gasp left her parted lips, and for several moments she couldn’t find anything to tell. Even the light drizzle of rain couldn’t hide the slight brush on his cheeks. But she felt the same heat on her own cheeks too, along with the rising rhythm of her heart. 

Then, eventually after a very quiet minute, she laughed. And for the first time in weeks, she finally felt at ease. 

“Don’t you dare laugh.”

“I can’t believe having a girlfriend made you sappy.”

“Shut up or else I’m dropping your ass.”

“Like you would.”

Her shriek reverberated through the street when he made a move as if he was going to drop her. Her arms and legs tightened around him as she clung to him for life. “Are you crazy?”

“Learned from the best.”

“Is the part that belongs to me talking?”

He glared at her from the corner of his eyes. “Do you have a death wish?”

Hanji smirked then put her chin on his shoulder again. Rain went on pouring and everything felt somehow alright.

She wished she had the power to keep it that way.

--

  “I won’t be here for the holiday,” was the first thing Hanji said to him when they met two weeks before the end of the year.

The rooftop was ice cold. The ground was a complete, straight white with thick snow. The wind was harsh, blowing their hair and Hanji’s red scarf. It was a gift from him three years ago. He remembered wrapping it around her neck, and how it had matched the scarlet shade her cheeks had taken because of the cold.

“What?” 

He watched her with bewildered eyes. That was quite unexpected. The longest they had been apart had been at most four days. “For the whole holiday?” 

“Yeah,” Hanji said reluctantly and watched her feet digging the snow absentmindedly. “My grandmom is sick, and my dad wants to stay with her longer this time.”

“Oh,” he didn’t quite know what else to say. “I see. Hope she’ll get better.”

Hanji shrugged, then hid her nose under her scarf. Her glasses were getting foggy, but she seemed to be unaware of it. The night only had the half moon and stars as a source of light but even so, Levi could still see that there was something more under her low spirits. He wondered, not for the first time in weeks if it had something to do with him. Had he neglected her, or had he somehow broken her heart? Or was there another reason? All those questions were eating his head but no matter how many times he had asked he had gained no answer in return.

“Hanji—”

“I will miss your birthday too, unfortunately,” she looked up at him at last, after removing her glasses. It was always a rare sight. To see her eyes naked. Her eyelashes were pretty long he thought. Had he ever realized it before? She smiled at him, extending her hand. “So, here is your early present.”

He took the thing she held in her hand. It was, not surprisingly, a book. Macbeth. And it wasn’t just a copy of it, it was hers. Her own copy of the book she had bought while they were in seventh grade. 

He blinked at the book for several seconds then at her. “You are giving me this?”

“Yep,” Hanji nodded, excitedly, putting her hands inside the pockets of her coat. “It is nothing compared to what you gave me, but you know it’s one of my favorites. And I remember you choosing Macbeth here,” she pointed at where they had sat at that time. “So, I thought it would be meaningful.” She smirked, “I’m making it hard for you to forget me.” 

There it was again. Levi rolled his eyes. “I’m sure you’ll haunt me in my dreams. Forgetting you is never an option.”

Hanji snorted, and Levi smiled down at the book, caressing its bygone cover. “Thank you.”

“It’s nothing. Imagine what kind of a fancy thing your girlfriend will get you.”

“We’ll see,” Levi said, flipping the naïve, yellow pages of the book. He didn’t quite think about what Petra will give to him as a birthday or Christmas present. He did wonder though now that he thought about it. He still hadn’t gotten her present and admittedly was having a very hard time deciding.

“You know what to say as you blow the candle, right?”

Her question pulled him out of his thoughts. Levi stared at her to see that she had put the glasses back. She clearly seemed very serious about the question. He felt a smile tugging at his lips. Nothing was ordinary with Hanji, he mused. She had the power to make the most boring things feel like they were a rocket ready to launch to space.

“Do I really have to say it?”

“Of course, you do. I won’t be here to hear it so I’ll ask Kenny to send me a video of you or I will seriously haunt you even in your daydreams, Ackerman,” she said in literally just one breath then dutifully adjusted her glasses. 

“Jeez,” he sighed, then turned his eyes to the book instead of facing her. He felt like his ears were on fire.

“Out,” he started, feeling incredibly awkward. He was never good with poems. He basically choked out the rest of the line, “Out brief candle.”

Thankfully, he got a pat on the back. “I raised you well.”

“I hate you,” Levi said, darkly. “And I will make you pay for it.”

“Sure, I’m in for it, clean freak,” she smirked again, her eyes shining with mischief. Levi hadn’t realized how much he had yearned for that look, for the glitter to turn back to her eyes until now. And thought that there was no end to the things he would do to keep it there.

In a second his mind traveled back to four years ago. Ragged, used books that smelled ancient, chocolate milk, and her blinding smile. “Are you a Macbeth-like sky lover or a Juliet-like sky lover?”

He remembered choosing Macbeth for no reason whatsoever. But somehow the lines had stuck with him for all those years. Stamped in his mind. It’s like eating cotton candy, she had said. No matter how old you were you didn’t just forget the feeling of eating it. It was simply there. On his tongue, in his mind. Like those lines.

Stars, hide your fires,

Let not light see my black and deep desires.

“I hate this motherfucker too,” he glared at the book spitefully. As if it was the reason why his heart started to beat faster out of nowhere.

Hanji extended her hand. “Give it back to me then.” 

“No, it’s mine now.” He put it in the pocket inside of his coat securely. His heart was still beating so fast. What the hell was wrong with him? “Don’t worry, I will take good care of it.”

“If you say so.”

Afterwards, they both watched the early night sky in silence. Stars were flickering above, playing hide and seek with the clouds moving slowly. They were almost in a pink, reddish shade. It seemed like it would snow again. 

He turned his head to his best friend to find her already looking at him. This time none of them talked. The wind rustled, scattering her hair, blocking the view of her eyes. They were a dark color of brown now under the limited light, and her brows were knitted, making the sadness in her eyes visible. 

“Hanji,” Levi reached forward to push her hair behind her ear, taking a closer look at her. The emotions he saw written all over her face were making him uneasy. Like there was a tone of deadlock in his stomach. “What’s wrong?”

She shook her head. Her mouth was drawn in a thin line, then she closed her eyes. “Nothing,” she lifted her hand to grab his wrist. “Don’t worry about me.”

Somehow, that single sentence was enough to make him burst. As if he was a volcano waiting to erupt for weeks. He didn’t even care that he was about to set everything on fire. Including himself.

“Stop telling me not to worry about you!” He snapped, raising his voice. “You are my best friend, idiot. Of course, I will!”

Hanji appeared to be quite astonished for only a moment, mouth agape and her eyes blinking rapidly. “Why the hell are you yelling at me?” She retorted, also yelling.

“Because you are not talking to me!” It was strangely comforting, yelling about all the things he had gathered that had been consuming him for weeks. “I can tell something is wrong, but I just don’t know what. I want to help but I don’t know how,” he breathed heavily, then pulled at his hair. “It’s making me crazy.”

A few seconds in which she was unusually quiet passed. He stared at the edge of the roof where they had first met. Then he reminisced about the girl who had smiled at him then, who had talked about things he never really gave a damn about. But he had listened because she was hypnotizing, captivating. Because she had a smile he desperately wanted to keep.  

“I don’t know either.”

It was so quiet, so tender coming from her. He never remembered hearing her speaking in this tone. It was almost vulnerable. 

“What?” He asked, frowning, he observed her face. She bit her lip then sighed harshly as if she was mad at him or at herself. He couldn’t tell which.

“I don’t even know what it is, so I can’t tell you.” She bent her head backwards until she faced the sky. Faint snowflakes landed on her skin, and on her red scarf. “And I feel like shit, but don’t even understand why. I’m sorry for making you worried. I’m sure it’ll pass. Eventually.”

Levi had never felt so useless before. He felt his own heart breaking apart like he was holding it in his bare hands. The pain was almost physical, cutting through his skin like broken pieces of glass but the blood was invisible to the eye. Seeing Hanji like this, broken and wounded, he knew that nothing in this world should have taken for granted. No matter how bright the sun was shining in the blue sky the time would eventually come for it to leave its place to shadow and darkness.

But so be it. Even in the blind darkness, he was going to carry a goddamn torch for her so that she would find her way out of it. 

And so, he did the only thing he could at the moment. Walking closer to her he put his hand behind her head and pulled her against him. His arms then wrapped around her tightly. At first, her body stood rigid, her arms dangling at either side of her, and she didn’t respond to his embrace. Yet, instead of letting go, he drew her even closer, resting his face on the soft fabric of her scarf. “It’s okay,” he said gently. “I got you.”

The breath that left her lips was shivering as it touched his ear. Then finally, he felt her arms raising up to hug him back. Hanji’s fingers clutched at his coat as she buried her face in his neck. And Levi realized that not only her breath but also her whole body was trembling, and he knew that it had nothing to do with the cold.

Hanji nodded against his neck; her fingers grabbed the rough fabric of his coat even tighter. “Thank you,” she whispered. 

He put his hand on her nape, her hair was soft between his fingers. “Always,” he whispered back. 

Minutes after, when he let go, she smiled at him, and he wished, helplessly, that he was strong enough to never let it fade away. 

--

  The video was hilarious. 

Her smile was hurting her face even before she pressed the play button. And she started giggling the second she saw Levi’s grumpy, annoyed, and displeased face on her screen. The fire of the candles was wiggling on the top of his birthday cake, Kuchel was standing next to him, a hand on his back and a huge smile on her face. Kenny was on his other side, his lips curled smugly, clearly enjoying his nephew’s torment. 

Too busy waiting for the planned words to leave Levi’s mouth, Hanji hadn’t realized that there had to be someone else holding the phone and recording the video. Only after the video ended, with a very graceful middle finger Levi sent her way while his mother wasn’t looking of course, and her laughter finally ceased did she realize that there was some fourth party who had joined them tonight. 

He picked up the phone on the third ring. “That was quite the show, Levi.”

“I will take my revenge,” he said, darkly. “Just you wait.”

Hanji didn’t contain her laughter; her stomach was simply hurting. “Saw the gesture at the end. Right back at you by the way.”

“Yeah,” he snorted. “Petra was quite shocked. She doesn’t see me swear very often.”

“Oh.” So, it was her. “Petra is there too?”

He hummed in approval. “My mom wanted me to invite her too. They got along surprisingly well.”

“That’s nice.” There had to be some kind of an insect in her stomach, eating it from inside out. She couldn’t find any other explanation for the ache she felt. She turned to her side on the bed, facing the window. The stars were much clearer here in the countryside, yet she had no will enough to lift the curtain and take a peek outside. 

“How’s your grandmother?” Levi asked, changing the subject. And she knew that he hadn’t done it on purpose but still Hanji was grateful. 

“Fine, I mean, same. She barely talks and gets up from her bed. But she’s almost ninety so that’s to be expected, I guess.”

“Hmm,” Levi murmured, then after a moment he added, “How are you?”

Her lips curled as warmth spread on her chest. Levi was still Levi. He cared about her in a way no one did. “I’m fine.”

“I don’t know if I should believe you,” he said, voice sceptical. 

“You should. I’m great. The air here is fresh, and the vegetables are organic. I’ve never felt so healthy in my entire life.”

He laughed quietly and something in her chest moved like a robe was wrapped around her ribcage. She parted her lips but hesitated for a couple of seconds before uttering her next words. To be honest she wasn’t sure if she had the right anymore. But the robe was getting tighter, and she couldn’t help but think about what he looked like while that silent laugh left his lips. “I miss you though.”

Her heartbeat almost made her deaf during the moments she waited for her answer. It wasn’t like this was the first time either of them used these words. Between them, they were almost as common as greeting each other. Yet somehow this time it had felt different, like entering a prohibited area, crossing the limits she wasn’t allowed to, stepping into boundaries that weren’t hers. 

“Miss you too,” he said, in a low voice. 

She bit her lip and closed her eyes. She knew she didn’t have the right to feel this way. Everything felt wrong in an insanely right way and in the middle of a crossroad she stood, without a clue to show which way she should walk. She felt like she was lost in a place she had never before stepped foot into. A stranger in somewhere she had no knowledge to.

Hanji distinctly heard someone calling Levi from behind. It sounded like a girl. Probably Petra. “Coming!” Levi responded, then “I should go,” he said to her. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Sure,” Hanji said, getting up to sit on her bed. “And Levi,”

“Yes?”

“Happy birthday,” she smiled at herself. “And Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” he said, and she heard the smile in his voice.

That’s enough, she thought to herself after she hang up the phone. Staring at the dark screen and hoping that she was a better liar than she actually was. He’s happy, that’s enough.

But she had been never good enough.

--

  Hanji was on her way home when she saw the Instagram post. 

Social media was something she barely spent time in. It was entertaining in some ways but not as much to replace her books. Also, with university waiting for her ahead, and exams she should absolutely get high grades from she didn’t necessarily have the time to hang out on those popular apps everyone seemed to be so obsessed with these days.

But alas, the road was long, and she was bored. Reading in the car was a bad idea. Nausea was never late to catch her, and she was not in the mood anyway. The sky was pretty until they had entered the city and now, about an hour before their arrival, she had just wanted to kill some time.

She wasn’t prepared.

Stargazing was the caption of the post. And next to it was Levi’s username tagged. The poster had Petra’s name and the view of the photo which was uploaded yesterday seemed horribly familiar. 

Terrifyingly, but undeniably familiar. 

The rest of the road passed by in a blur. Physically she was there. She remembered getting out of the car and helping her parents carry the bags out of the trunk and into the house. Her mind was roaming somewhere else. She had texted Levi that she was on her way back, she recalled, but Levi wasn’t there.

It’s okay, she thought to herself as she changed her clothes. It’s okay, she insisted as she unpacked and put everything in place. 

And it’s okay, she repeated as she sat down in front of her bed, hugging her legs. While tears wetted her cheeks and little sighs turned into hoarse sobs muffled by her knees. The ringing silence of her room swallowed her trembling breaths. Her heart was shattered into million pieces. And oh, how it hurt. She would’ve never imagined that this kind of pain existed. She wished she never knew. It hurt to breathe, and it hurt to bear. No amount of reading would do it justice. 

Minutes passed and her sobs ceased, her tears dried. She watched the hollow darkness, eyes dull, tired, and burning. And she thought and thought.

And then she made a decision.

--

  Initially, Hanji didn’t feel like going to the roof. But it was the best place for what she had planned to do so she opted for it and texted Levi to meet with her there. 

He was already waiting for her when she stepped into the roof. His back facing her, with his hands in his pockets he was watching the view ahead. Just like the first time she had found him here. Long lost years. Even now she could still see the reason why he had attracted her attention in the first place. While she was merely a child loaded with curiosity and a little too much energy, he was sober and calm. Just opposite of her. She was a waterfall, loud and enthusiastic and he was a river, slow and tranquil. 

The snow had mostly melted but the ground was partly wet with little puddles here and there. Up here was always dark. Yet the stars shone so brightly. There was not even a single cloud tonight. Just clear, dark sky. 

It was a beautiful sight. Beautiful enough to be posted on social media obviously.

“Hey,” he turned to her, possibly hearing her footsteps. His hair was pitch black, almost one with the sky, his eyes a dark shade of blue. He was the sky. Dark, blue, and beautiful.

An hour ago, she had felt so many things all at once. Now, she didn’t feel anything at all. Even though she was aware that she was only one step away from the edge of a cliff. One more step and it was over. 

“Sorry, I didn’t see your text earlier,” he explained when she said nothing to greet him. Even if he was confused, he didn’t show it. “Welcome back, four-eyes.”

He smiled and her heart fluttered despite herself. Despite all the things she said to herself while sitting in the dark and coming here. It still made her heart skip a beat and her stomach curl.

But none of them mattered. There was no going back now. 

“How was your holiday?” He asked, even though she hadn’t said anything yet. He walked closer and Hanji wondered if he knew that she knew. She couldn’t tell. “You must be pretty bored without me—”

“Did you bring her here?”

No need to delay the inevitable. Remove the band-aid in one go. No matter how much it hurt.

His mouth opened but no words were left. She saw the moment realization hit. The moment he understood, and the moment that he knew that she knew.

He sighed at the end. “Hanji—"

“Just tell me.” Her heart started beating faster. Preparing for another blow. Hanji didn’t know if it was possible for it to hurt more. But obviously, it was. There was just no end to it. No bandage to keep it together, to make it stop bleeding.

He pushed his hair back stressfully. “I—” He bit her lower lip so harshly it must have hurt a lot. “I didn’t.”

“Don’t lie to me.” She didn’t have the energy to yell, scream or simply feel angry. She just wanted to hear him say it. Then everything would be alright. 

“I didn’t, Hanji, listen—”

“What is this then?” Hanji held up her phone for him to see what she was talking about. All blood left his face when he saw it. Levi wasn’t much of a social media user either. So, his reaction hadn’t surprised her.

What had surprised her, however, was him denying the truth. “I don’t understand,” she said after locking her phone. She tried not to sound as broken as she felt. “Why are you lying to me?”

Levi sighed harshly, his lips pursed tight. “I didn’t bring her here,” he repeated. “But we were walking past in front of the building, and I just briefly mentioned. And she wanted to see…”

“And you accepted,” Hanji completed, and Levi closed his eyes, silently accepting.

It was enough. That was what she wanted to hear. A good enough reason to do what she was about to do. Still, it didn’t hurt less. 

But it was for the best. 

“It won’t happen again,” Levi promised, looking at her almost pleading. “I swear it won’t happen again, Hanji. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

“I think we should stop, Levi.”

And there, she had said it. And no matter how many times she had practised this in her head it was still the hardest thing she ever said. Her throat felt tight and felt like millions of needles were lined up throughout. 

“What?” he asked, astonished, eyes wide and unbelieving. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I said we should stop,” Hanji repeated. Somehow, her voice was neutral despite the tempest she carried inside. And how it crashed, broke, and wiped off everything she had.

“Stop what?” he retorted. He was getting furious, frowning, eyes alight with a fire she would very rarely see.

Out of the blue, she remembered Romeo and Juliet. The lines she knew by heart, and the lines that were written about somebody else yet at the moment suited him so perfectly.

Take him and cut him out in little stars,

And he will make the face of heaven so fine 

That all the world will be in love with the night

“I don’t think we should be friends anymore,” she whispered.

If eleven-year-old Hanji would be able to watch her now she would be weeping uncontrollably. And if she didn’t dig her nails into her palms and pressed her teeth together with all the power she had she would be too. 

“What the fuck are you saying?” he took a step closer to her, but she was so rigid she couldn’t move an inch. “Hanji, are you fucking serious right now?”

This is for the best, her voice repeated inside her head. You’re doing the right thing.

“I am,” she approved, voice calm and clear. So very unlike her that it was like somebody else talking. “We are not children anymore. We can’t be as close to each other as were before—”

“Are you even hearing yourself!” he burst, making her jump slightly on her place. He was so angry his throat was painted red. “You’re not making any sense! Why the hell would we stop being friends? Are you out of your mind?”

Why does it have to hurt so much? She was losing her determination bit by bit. She knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, but she hadn’t expected it to be so hard either.

“You heard me,” she told him, looking straight into his eyes, hoping that he couldn’t see the wreck behind. “I’m done. Just don’t talk to me again.”

The hardest part was to turn her back and leave when her heart begged her to stay and tell him that she didn’t mean anything she told him. That he was her only and closest friend and she had never imagined a day without him. The sky would exist with or without the rainbow, but the rainbow desperately needed the sky to keep living. And she needed him more than she needed anything but letting go was a part of growing up and it was a part of loving.  

To the last syllable of recorded time. 

“Hanji!” 

Of course, he didn’t let go of her that easily. His fingers grabbed her arm, turning her back to him. He sounded desperate now, hurt. And he looked like that too. 

And it was enough to tear her apart.

“Let go,” she said weakly. 

“I don’t understand,” he whispered. “You don’t believe me? I swear it won’t happen again. I swear to fucking God, Hanji. Just please don’t—”

“Enough!” That was it. Limits were tested and pushed. She could hold back no longer. “Why don’t you understand, Levi? I don’t want to be friends with you anymore! Don’t talk to me, don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t come to my house! You can use this place however you like. I won’t be stepping foot in here again.” It surprised her how easily she lied. Each word left her mouth like a knife, leaving a bloody mess behind. 

Tears were shining in his eyes, and she realized that she was crying too for how long she didn’t know. Her face was hot and wet, her lips were trembling, and she felt her very being shattered to pieces.

“Don’t do this,” he said in a voice so small she would’ve never believed it coming from him if she hadn’t witnessed it with her own eyes. “You know I can’t—” Teardrops left his eyes and wetted his cheeks. His chest was rising and falling with ragged breaths. “Without you, I can’t—”

He couldn’t complete the sentence, but she knew. She wished she had freaking superpowers just so he didn’t feel any pain. She wished she was strong enough to take away his hurt because she was the reason behind it all. 

But she couldn’t do it and even though she had chosen another path she knew that it would eventually come to this. She was not strong enough to bear it. She just wasn’t. 

Hanji had just accepted the fact that it wasn’t the two of them against the world anymore. It was just her. And she had to learn to fight alone. Despite the fact that the pain threatened to burn until it completely destroyed her, she was going to learn to live with it. Even if that meant that she was going to turn into smoke and nothing would be left of her at the end.

“You have to,” she said and didn’t stop to look at him in the eyes again before she turned her back again.

Not strong enough.

[sayonarasanity]

windmill

this fic is based on the song Windmill by Lor (and I highly recommend you to listen to it while reading especially or later for it is an incredible song)

AO3

summary: Here is the thing about Levi, his heart is a windmill in the middle of a wilderness where there was no wind to make it twirl, there was no wind to make it beat, pound and feel. Just feel.

  Until one day he got hit by a storm so wild, so rare and so incredibly terrifying but in the most beautiful and breath-taking way that it left him defenceless, vulnerable and weak. Like a tiny little flower which had long passed its day of blossoming in a fierce, winter dawn yet it stood erect with its fragile body, challenging against the merciless winds and the brutal frost.

He fell in love.

Windmill, are you still afraid of nothing?

Here is the thing about human life, it isn’t everlasting.

But what is? The world and each and everything within it are mundane. The day is doomed with the night, the sun is doomed with the moon, life is doomed with death, men are doomed with gravity. If something starts, then it is fated to end. It is a vicious circle, living that is. Waking up only to sleep again at night. Earning money only to spend it an hour later on a trouser which you thought was necessary but maybe it wasn’t. Cooking for hours and hours just so you can eat it in mere ten minutes because your body needs food so that you can keep on living, living and living.

Like a windmill, turning, turning and turning to the day when there is not even a breeze to swirl you and you are frozen, unspoken and rigid. 

And here is the thing about Levi, his heart is a windmill in the middle of a wilderness where there was no wind to make it twirl, there was no wind to make it beat, pound and feel. Just feel. 

Until one day he got hit by a storm so wild, so rare and so incredibly terrifying but in the most beautiful and breath-taking way that it left him defenceless, vulnerable and weak. Like a tiny little flower which had long passed its day of blossoming in a fierce, winter dawn yet it stood erect with its fragile body, challenging against the merciless winds and the brutal frost.

He fell in love.

And he fell in love not like jumping to death from a high up building, piercing through the clouds. It wasn’t as quick as that. He fell in love as if he had jumped into a river. It was slow and it hurt during the process of acknowledging it. Like accepting the fact that you were dying. Yet, instead of fighting against it, he welcomed the embrace of the water like he welcomed his mother’s hold. He let the arms wrap around him firmly. Then gradually the snow cold changed to sunny warm and the heavy water he thought that choked him turned into fresh, light air. 

And he fell in love rather quietly, but he fell in love deep. Then his heart started to move and twirl with the wind. 

She was the whirlwind, and he was the windmill. She was wild, sturdy and destructive. When he waited motionless and steady for merely a breeze to touch his vane, she had brought him a storm. 

And he got carried away with it. 

“Why do you keep looking at that thing?” She asks one day when they are in his apartment and he stands in front of one of his shelves in the living room. 

“It’s a windmill,” he explains, taking his eyes away from the scale model of it to focus them on her. 

“I know that,” she says. The shelf is not that high, so she puts her hands on the edge of it and rests her chin on top of her hands. “I wonder if there is a specific meaning behind it.”

“Like what?”

She shrugs and blows, making the vanes of the windmill move slightly. “Like a memory or… a specific reason that only you know, but you don’t want anybody else to learn.”

He raises a brow. “Then why do you ask?”

“I am a curious one, you know,” she smirks. The afternoon sun highlights her eyes and plays with the colour of her short hair which ends just above her shoulders. Some strands of her brown hair shine a sweet red. It is tied slovenly behind with a little hairpin. “And I would like to learn about my boyfriend’s secrets.” 

Right, boyfriend. Apparently, by some miracle or a dice tossed by luck or during a single second in which God or whoever had a tiny pity on him or because of a good-hearted, gentle and humane ancestor of his she had loved him back. 

“There is no secret,” he looks back at the little maquette. There is really no secret behind it. He had made it himself about four or five years ago when he was still at college, studying architecture. It was just that with time it had gained a place more special and a meaning more solid and a presence heavier.

“Is that so?” she asks, raising her brows and smiling lips pressed, playfully. “Rest assured, I won’t get offended if it’s a gift from one of your earlier lovers.” 

“I don’t have earlier lovers,” he deadpans, glaring at her sideways. 

“What is it then?” She straightens and comes closer, dropping her chin on his shoulder. He spares a few seconds just staring at her inquisitive eyes, demanding answers. His heart beats calm, and he hears its pounds and feels its vibrations. Because of her…

Is the wind still your friend?

“I liken it to my heart,” he looks away, already regretting the words that left his mouth out of command.

There is a pause in the air and faint pink on his cheeks. “Oh,” she reacts at last.  

He cannot move his eyes to her this time, as the silence stretches like a furry, tired cat and it nerves him with each tick-tock he hears from the watch that is hung on the wall. It lasts so long that in the end, he shifts uncomfortably, and Hanji lifts her chin from his shoulder, her eyes, clouded and thoughtful behind her glasses, are focused on the windmill. 

“I see,” she says.

The next day she brings a propeller, almost the same size as the windmill and places it next to it. When she turns it on, the vanes of the scale model twirl slowly. 

Then she looks at Levi who is standing still and astonished. The wind howls in his ears, and his heart beats unsteady because it faces the same storm again. Vicious, wild and free.

And she smiles because she knows.

- 

Levi doesn’t exactly know or rather remember but they end up drunk as hell on one Saturday night. 

They are outside, stumbling together towards the coast road where benches are lined up side by side. The air smells like early summer, with newly blossoming flowers and salt. There is a full moon above the sea, and it reflects argent on the surface of the dark, tranquil water. People walk by every now and then and there are stray dogs and cats around. 

When they somehow manage to sit down on an empty bench, Hanji slips and puts her head on his lap facing the pitch-black sky. She giggles to herself as she watches the stars there are barely visible because of the city lights. “So pretty.”

“Hmm,” he approves, observing her relaxed features, coloured cheeks and the goofy grin on her face. 

“Hey, Hanji,” he rolls out of her tongue. He doesn’t even think or plan on what to say. The following words just stumble their ways out of his mouth. “You are—did you know that I couldn’t drink tea without some honey in it?”

She moves her eyes to his and giggles again, covering her mouth with her hand. “Yes, I realized.”

“Oh,” he blinks as if it’s enough to scatter the clouds in his head. But— whatever. It doesn’t matter now. When he has the stars and moon above, the sea ahead and the girl he loves lying on his lap. “Don’t tell anyone. Nobody knows.”

She nods and draws an invisible zip on her mouth. 

“You know why?” He pushes her glasses up her nose. “The reason why I can’t… drink it without honey?”

Hanji lifts her shoulders up. “Because it tastes like piss without it?”

“Yes.” He is a little surprised at her guessing it right. 

“But Levi,” she laughs. “How do you know what piss tastes like?”

“I don’t—I just know.” He closes her mouth with his hand when her laughter keeps interrupting his sentences. “Shut up, idiot. You are ruining the moment.”

To his surprise, she wraps her fingers around his wrist and kisses his palm. He breathes and his stomach moves as if he was in a car and suddenly rode down a hill. She closes her eyes tightly once to indicate that she is listening. 

“Okay,” he goes on. “So, I can’t drink tea without honey because it tastes like piss.” He inhales, despite his drunken haze. He probably won’t even remember—or will he? How drunk is he anyway? Oh, well. Doesn’t matter. 

“That’s… how my life would be.” Miracles happen. While sober he would rather die than utter these words out loud. Maybe it’s a good thing that he is tanked up. Because she deserves to learn. “Without you.”

Her are eyes wide open, and Levi thinks there are galaxies hidden in them. He doesn’t know if there is anything that is infinite or a life that would last forever. Does  forever  even exist? Does the sky have an end or space a beginning? Humans are such incapable creatures. Cannot go back a day before or has no idea what will happen a second later. Hanji is a human being, flesh, bone, blood and a little too much brain, a little too many feelings, and sentiments. And she is not indefinite, at all. But somehow, she makes him feel like she is. 

“Levi,” she says, pulling his hand away from her mouth. Her eyes are still big behind her glasses and her cheeks are even redder than before. “Does this mean you’re going to call me honey from now on?”

And somehow, she manages to annoy him with every goddamn chance she gets.

He frowns and pushes her shoulder, almost making her fall down the bench. She is bursting with laughter in seconds and wraps her arms around his waist to secure herself and buries her face in his abdomen.

“I’m breaking up with you,” he announces coldly.

“You cannot break up with me. We are drunk.”

“I can. I just did.”

“No,” she groans and presses her face deeper in his stomach. 

“Let go, you ungrateful woman.”

“I caaan’t,” she whimpers. “Levi I—” The rest of her words are muffled; he cannot pick up their meaning and form a logical sentence in his mind. 

“What?” He asks, bending his head down.

“I said, I loppffhhhppp…” 

“I don’t understand what you are saying, Hanji.” He puts his hand on her shoulder to push her back. He is convinced at this point that she is not forming legible words, intentionally.

Unexpectedly, she withdraws and puts her hands on his shoulders to lift herself up. Then leans in to rest her head right beside his neck, nuzzling his skin. “We should go back,” she murmurs. “My place is closer.”  

Levi has no idea what time it is when they miraculously manage to enter her house after a taxi drive which felt like years. They take unsteady and clumsy steps inside the house until Levi finds a door of which room, he is unaware of. He only looks for something to lay down on, then catches the sight of a couch with the limited light provided through the half-drawn curtains. He throws himself to it, without even bothering to take his jacket off. He only kicks his shoes out of his feet and tosses until he finds a comfortable position to sleep. 

Hanji gets into the room a few seconds later. Levi watches her with half-lidded eyes and sees that she has a blanket in her hands. He frowns. How the hell had she had enough wits in her head to think of a blanket? But sleep weighs down on him incredibly heavy and so very unusually that he is almost scared to make it run away. He doesn’t have the strength the utter proper words at the moment anyway. 

Hanji lies down on his chest, covering them with the blanket. He automatically wraps his arms around her as she presses her forehead on his neck. She whines. “I hope I don’t throw up during the night.”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” he mutters. The clean freak inside of him is alarmed and screams with worry and dismay. He has no voice though. Just a wide mouth open in a silent yell and eyes filled with apprehension. 

“Would you break up with me if I did?” Hanji asks, and he feels her smile in her sleepy voice.

A moment of consideration. “No.”

She huffs out a drowsy chuckle. “Levi,” she murmurs and sighs. “I love, love, love you.”

Are you still afraid of something? Is it you who command?

“Idiot,” he says affectionately. The vanes of the windmill twirl ever so rapidly, and he considers how weird it is for his heart to beat, pound and feel for somebody else, for her only. “I love, love, love you too.”

-

The subway moves swift through the night and they are alone inside the compartment at this hour of the day. Levi watches their reflection on the window when Hanji takes a few photos with her phone. Grinning from ear to ear while Levi has a dead, worn-out look rooted deeply in his eyes. Travelling around the city to visit historical places, museums and parks within just one single day was the worst idea he had ever agreed to. He barely had the energy to merely sit.

“Gonna post these on Instagram,” she twitters happily, swinging left and right. 

“Don’t forget to announce my funeral,” Levi murmurs. 

Hanji snorts and locking her phone she puts it back in her pocket. Then she shifts and lies her head on his lap, staring up at him. 

“Why do you always lie on my lap in public places?” He asks, looking down at her.

She shrugs. “I enjoy the view above.”

“Tch.” One corner of his lips quivers and he moves his gaze up, looking at the window across from him again. This time he realizes that there is heavy rain outside, the raindrops tap furiously against the glass. “Shit,” he swears tiredly. “It’s raining.”

She follows his gaze. There isn’t much before they reach their stop. They are going to soak to their goddamn underwears. It had been sunny the whole day. Curse his luck.

“Alas!” she sighs, but she doesn’t sound much concerned. “Levi,” she says then, and when their gazes are locked again, she beams at him. “Would you kiss me under the rain?” 

He blinks down at her first, his heart stammering hard against his ribcage. His eyes examine her features carefully. “Would you like me to?”

“Yes,” she breaths. “I’ve never done it before.”

“Me neither.”

“How do you think it would be?”

“I don’t know,” he says. “I’ve never done it before.”

Her smile widens to display her straight, white teeth. “We should try it.”

“Maybe.” He watches her lips. They are a sweet shade of pink and they look maddeningly soft. And he wants to taste them so very desperately. 

“Don’t worry. Nothing’s going to happen to your chastity.”

His gaze travels up to her eyes. “I am sure.”

It is still pouring rain when they leave the subway. Hanji leads them through the streets, with her fingers around his. He licks the rain on his lips and squints to get a better view of her. He smells wet asphalt and trees and earth. The odour of the pine trees is evident despite the rain. The splashing drops bounce on the ground like they are dancing up and down, but they slow down until they stop under a streetlamp. 

“We should do it before the rain ends,” Hanji explains excitedly. As if what they were going to do wasn’t something basically everyone did but a life-changing, world-saving act of heroism. 

Her lips taste like rain and they are warm against his own. When her hands cling to the collars of his jacket, he cups her cheeks and tilts his head. Much to their unfortunate luck, the rain almost ceases, turns into a drizzle that barely had any function of wetting anything. She smiles, but Levi doesn’t pull back for a little longer. Holds her gently, keeps her close. 

Are you still afraid of the wind?

“Let’s dance,” she whispers against his lips. Her breath warm, her taste still on his tongue. 

“There is no song.” And the rain stopped already. 

She wraps an arm around his neck and holds one of his hands. He slides his other arm on her waist keeping up with her movements, while she   rests her forehead on his temple. “We don’t need a song.”

They start to move slowly, following the notes of a song that doesn’t exist. The wind is blowing still, quietly. If he listens carefully, he can hear the pitter patters of the water dropping down from the rooftops, and the soft sounds of the wheels of the cars rolling on the wet ground, a plane taking off, a man coming back from work, his rapid footsteps.  Tap, tap, tap.  And his heart, content like he is lying down on the grass, with breezes caressing his face, ruffling his hair ever so slightly. Watching how quietly the vanes turn on top of a hill.

Oh, windmill.

You’re a place where I can cry.

You’re a place where I can lie.

You’re a place where I can die. 

[sayonarasanity]

Chapters: 1/3
Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Hange Zoë/Levi, Nanaba/Mike Zacharias
Characters: Hange Zoë, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Mike Zacharias, Nanaba (Shingeki no Kyojin)
Additional Tags: levihan - Freeform, College AU, Alternate Universe - College/University, Developing Relationship, levi likes to watch hange, Literal Sleeping Together, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, I dont really know, Warnings For Language, because of Levi, Friends to Lovers, i love these two so much, so that’s my excuse for this
Summary: Levi sighs. He wants to say something back. He really does. But he makes the mistake of looking into her eyes and decides to just let this one go. Because looking at Hange Zoe is never a good idea. It hasn’t been a good idea from the very beginning. Yet he looks despite himself. He stares into her deep, brown eyes which are nothing but two endless wells and thinks that maybe just maybe he would eventually find a rope to climb back to the surface.