#like I don't owe you an explanation as to why I'm fat I don't owe you telling you that my whole family is fat

[femmeidiot]

being fat is literally so annoying and it's not even like the being fat part it's the stupid ass comments people make like as much as I struggle with body image I've pretty much accepted that this is just how my body is and how it is going to look but I am so tired of having people bring up stupid shit or feel like I owe them explanations about my body it's exhausting everyone should shut the fuck up and leave fat people alone forever cause we could absolutely destroy most of y'all's skinny asses if we needed to and I'm about to start physically fighting the next person who says any sort of bullshit to me

[swoofllia]

THE PROJECT.

-ˋˏ✄┈ #Vance Hopper x Reader

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ PAIRING/PAIRINGS : Vance Hopper x Fem! Reader.

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ FORMAT : Series.

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ SUMMARY OF CHAPTER : Y/N and Vance were partnered up for a project. Obviously, both of them did not want to be together because of an incident that happened two summers ago. But were there any other choices? And what other surprise would await Y/N later on the day?

♺ TW ! : Mentions of fighting, cuss words, bruises, wounds, brusies, scars, blood, threats, abuse, kidnappings, and more.

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ ♺ AUTHORS NOTE ! : I just want to say that English is not my first language and that there is a scene (where Y/N is complaining to her best friend) inspired from a Vance H. fic called Pinball, Hair, and Detention by ellemfaoh! Please go check it out. It's so good! Also, there will be some 70s slang in the fic, so I will give you the meaning of it down below!

↓

𓍯 Hairy eyeball - If someone were to give you the hairy eyeball, it would mean they're shooting you a nasty or menacing stare.

Enjoy your stay ! :)

CHAPTER I - What A Day.

NORTH DENVER - 1977.05.27.

"And... Vance and Y/N! You two will be the last assigned pair for this upcoming project." Said, Mr. Hall. You froze at the news. You hated Vance. Well.. Not exactly hate. It was more of a dislike type of way. From your side, at least. Long story short, when you moved to town before first grade, you both became friends. But because of an incident two summers ago that everyone in the school knew about, everything went upside down. Though the feeling was mutual. Vance felt the same way about you, too.

Now you are just a girl who loves painting, writing, and reading poetry, has betrayal trauma, while some idiotic kids at school try to pester you and whatnot. You have tried to ignore them, but could you ignore an annoying sound like their voices? No.

Needless to say, both of the teenagers wanted to be switched with someone else. Even if it's with the most stupid kid in this class. Seriously.

"If you have any questions, ask the-"

"I'm sorry for interrupting, sir, but is there any chance that I can work alone? I just feel like I'll be better on my own." Y/N questioned, raising her hand slightly to attract the teacher's attention. Mr. Hall's eyebrows furrowed as he looked at you.

"If anyone works alone, it will be an automatic fail. If you want an explanation, I won't give it to you, because i don't owe you one." Mr. Hall stated flatly as you groaned quietly in annoyance, rolling your eyes. "Now, I want everybody to sit next to their assigned partner. Remember, I will check if everybody is sat where they have to be, if not there will be consequences."

Cringing quietly at that last part, you shifted uncomfortably as you glanced around the room to see if anybody reacted the same way. Some of them did, but most didn't. Probably because they were so used to Mr. Hall and his weird ways of threatening. There was some rumor tha-

"Move, fat ass." Jumping slightly in your seat, you were a bit startled. As you looked up at the figure that insulted you and brought you out of your mind, you couldn't really recognize who it was. Was she one of the girls that liked Vance. Carol, maybe? You grimaced. Did you have to sit next to him? To Vance Hopper? That's probably why she looked like there was steam coming out of her ears. Carol still thinks that you and Vance are friends or something, even though the whole school knows you aren't.

"Maybe when you calm your balls down a bit, I will move you snot-flicking doofus." You spat out. Getting up, she threw you a nasty glare. You ignored her and went to sit where Vance was. Great. When you went to his desk, you dropped your bag on your side and sat down, giving the dirty-blond a quick glance. Just as Vance was about to say something to you (probably something spiteful) , Mr. Hall started checking as he promised, and after, he announced. "As you all know, yesterday we wrote down some very important notes about World War 1 and World War 2. Well, almost everyone." paused Mr. Hall, giving Vance a quick look of disapproval before continuing. Vance, in response, sneered. "All of you will have one to two weeks to do this project. Before you start it, I want you guys to write down some more notes, as the project's prompt will be about WW1 and WW2." Then your mind completely dozed off somewhere else. The prompt was all you needed. You would just write down the notes that were needed and zone out again.

As some minutes ticked off, you felt a sharp pain towards your leg. You quietly hissed out as you looked beneath the desk and saw Vance's leg, ready to attack again. You shot a glare towards Vance. All he did was smirk. Narrowing your eyes, you moved your legs far away as you possibly could. After a while, a thump on your leg was heard, and you bit your tongue just so you don't yelp out from pain. Looking up at the wall in front, you checked the time. Your eyebrows furrowed for a second before going to an unexplainable expression. 15 more minutes. You sighed in defeat, leaning your head on your palm. It won't be that bad. Right? It was just 15 minutes.

WRONG.

"You don't understand, Bugs! It hurt like a hundred hits with a belt. Okay, I'm exaggerating, but still! He's the worst! And just as I thought he was gonna stop, he started tugging and pulling on my hair!" You ranted to your best friend. Exchanging the books in your hands with the ones in the locker, you slammed it shut. As you leaned against it, you turned towards your her - Maya. She was obviously trying to hold her laughter. Squinting your eyes and crossing your arms is when she burst out laughing. After a second, you chimed in. The both of you got some weird stares from those wannabe popular kids, or whatever. Who cares, tho? You were only having fun with one of the most normal girl in school.

When you were over with the giggling session, she spoke. "Maybe our little Vancey has a little crush on you!" Giggled out Maya. "Oh yes, I hope Vance likes me! I really do!" You said with a fake smile and a high-pitched voice making a face afterwards. Maya started laughing again, but you just stood there watching her. You rolled your eyes and sighed as she laughed. "If a boy likes you, he shouldn't be tugging or kicking your leg! Not bullying the person you like is the bare minimum!" You exclaimed, throwing your hands in the air in anger.

"True, true. But still, imagine if he actually does."

"Are you trying to get on my nerves today?" You grumbled out, looking sideways at her. She shrugged as the bell rang. "Maybe, but luckily we have English together. You know what that means..." She exclaimed, changing the subject as her mouth curved into a smile. You gave her a smirk of your own. Whenever the both of you had classes together, you wouldn't stop giggling for the most stupid reasons. Would it be teachers, other kids in school, hell, even objects! Honestly, she was everything you could ask for in a best friend. You knew each other since first grade. Maya knew about the incident with Vance because she was there too. Ever since then, the both of you hung out a lot, and you got very close, resulting in her being your best friend and you being hers.

As you both walked to the English classroom, ahead of you, you saw Vance with his supposed "friends" and some two other girls. You scoffed, rolling your eyes. Maya just looked at them with the white of her eye. The both of you walked past the horrendously annoying group (in your opinion), you noticed that Maya made some sort of expression you couldn't explain. Closest to it was one of surprise. An 'Ooh' and 'Aah' escaped from her lips, as if she was reading some sort of fascinating magazine. You turned your head to see what she was 'Ooh'ing and 'Aah'ing about. Turning your head back, you saw Vance fucking Hopper staring at you. Right directly at you. The both of you locked eyes. As you kept eye contact with his icy blues, you saw that Carol girl angrily glaring at you. Making a face you turned your head towards Maya.

"I swear that chick has some problem with me!" You commented. "She keeps giving me a hairy eyeball, and I don't know why! I honestly think-"

"It's because she likes Vance. Yeah, I know. The whole school does." She replied. "Last year, when I was paired up with him for the school's baking competition, she kept either glaring or sneering at me." She said with a laughter. "Who cares, tho? It's not like she can win over his heart with her bitchy attitude. Wait! Actually no!" She exclaimed, her head turning towards you with wide eyes and a grin on her face. "They would be the perfect couple! They both are assholes like it's their full-time job and are just... Eugh!" Maya shivered a bit, a scow plastered on her face. You just chuckled at her reaction.

When you both went inside the classroom, you went to your usual seats, which were almost at the back. As you sat on the dirty plastic chairs, both of you started talking about different topics.

"And then she-" Maya got interrupted by the teacher walking in. Ugh. Mrs.Young..

After a while, you started quietly giggling at a thought that came in your head. Maya looked at you, confusion drawn on her face. You just gave her a nod, meaning that you would tell her in a bit. As the class began to sit down, Mrs. Young started talking about something that clearly wasn't important to you because you were quietly laughing and whispering with Maya.

"Y'know.. Young doesn't suit her. Like at all. She's fuckin' anceint, an annoying old hag that passes the jocks so they can graduate, just because she wants to pull down their pants since she can't do that to her husband." Maya quickly put a hand over her mouth, trying not to laugh or even giggle. You could see her eyes filled with slight tears as she blinked profusely.

"It wasn't that funny, but still. Its so-"

"Y/N!" Mr. Young yelled out. You stiffened as the expression on your face quickly turned from a smile into panic. As you straightened up and turned your head towards her, you saw her make the most horrendous expression on an adult you have ever seen. You tried to keep it inside, but you let out a giggle and a quiet laugh.

"Something funny, young lady?" The teacher questioned.

Yes.

"N-No Mrs. Young.." You said through laughs. Fuck. As you glanced at Maya, you already knew she was gonna be the reason you were gonna end up in detention. As you let out a laugh again, that's when Mrs. Young shouted out.

"That's it! Detention for three days!"

"But-"

"I don't want to hear your excuses!"

Yous sighed as you plopped down on the plastic chair, leaning on your side of your face on your palm.

What a day, honestly.

When the bell rang, you quickly gathered your stuff and left without uttering a word to your best friend. She called out to you, but you ignored her completely. As you went to your locker, you heard some shout out your name while you quickly switched up your books.

"Y/N..!"

Maya's voice was echoing through the hall. You turned around and looked at her. She was jogging towards you. When she was in front of you, she panted for some seconds.

"What." You questioned, voice flat. It took her a moment to talk as she was taking some breaths. "Listen.. I didn't mean to make you mad or get you into trouble. I just wanted to make you smile after her nagging 'n shit, you know?" "Yeah, but that doesn't mean while she's scolding and looking at me!" "I'm sorry! Okay?" She exclaimed quickly while looking down at the ground. You just smiled at her. When she looked to you, her blue eyes crinkled at the end as she gave you a grin. You know she didn't mean any harm. "You're lucky you're my best friend, or I would have done everything possible to get you stuck in detention with me." She let out a giggle and hugged you, you doing the same.

As the time flew by, you went to detention, and when that hell of a place was over, you walked to the exit to leave school. You decided to go to the Grab 'N Go later and you walked half the way towards your house, you heard leaves crunching behind you. You shrugged it off and started walking a bit faster. When you realized the person behind copied you, you hesitated to turn around, and you did. Your eyes slightly widened a bit, then narrowed.

Vance fucking Hopper. Great. Just great.

You locked eyes with him. He looked you up and down, sneering. You stopped in your tracks, your face contouring into confusion and annoyance. "Are you followin' me or something, Hopper? You weren't even in detetnion, so what are you doing here walking so late after school?" You questioned, raising an eyebrow, gripping the straps of your backpack. He probably took notice of that because he looked at them. Narrowing his eyebrows, he barked out, "Get a hold of yourself, dimwit. I would never follow anybody, especially you. Stupid bitch." 'Such a lie. He would definently follow someone if they piqued his interest.' you tought. Then he walked past you, grumbling something inaudible afterward.

You rolled your eyes and started again. Honestly, you expected some more arguing with him right now, but he didn't really do anything troublesome today when you think about it. Not even a minute fight with someone. Well, except when he started kicking your leg and tugging on your hair. He didn't answer your second question, too.. whatever, but what was that supposed to mean? Someone like you?

This time, Vance was ahead of you, so you decided to observe him. He was wearing his jean vest, a mix of blue-ish and gray-ish jeans, a white wife beater, belt, and some dirty black shoes. That was the outfit he wore most. Then, your eyes went up to the back of his head. His long, dirty-blond curls bouncing with every step he took. Honestly, you sometimes envied him for his hair. It was interesting. Wait. Did you just give that asshole a compliment? Yeah, but his hair was pretty! But his personality was the total opposite. It's like he was born on this planet to terrorize everything and everyone. You tought to yourself for a moment that it was because of his home life. You knew about it. He had told you a bit before you two had started hating each other. But that didn't excuse his behavior at all.

What you didn't realize was that you were so caught up in your mind that you were two blocks past your house. Stopping in your tracks when you had realized, you turned around, giving the blond one last glance.

Unlocking the door, you went inside, kicking your shoes off and dropping your backpack. You went to the wired phone to call Maya. Dialing her number, you put the receiver on your ear and waited. When she answered the both of you made an agreement to meet at the Grab 'N Go in 10.

Hanging up, you quickly ran up to your room, grabbing a 5 dollar bill, shoving it in your pocket. You closed the door and rushed down the stairs, putting on your shoes. You went outside and locked the door. You weren't really rushing, so you were walking at a normal pace. You started wondering where the nickname 'Bugs' for Maya came. After a while of thinking, you remembered it was from that one cartoon animation with a bunch of episodes. Looney Tunes, was it?

When you arrived at the Grab 'N Go, Maya wasn't there. She lived closer to the mini store than you did, so you thought it was unusual. Another strange thing is that she always waited for you right in front of the door. You decided to wait for some more minutes. Maybe she would be a bit late than usual, or was she inside? Your gut feeling was telling you something was wrong. You just hoped that The Grabber didn't kidnap her. Just the thought of that, you wanted to vomit. You quickly decided to look around the Grab 'N Go.

Going in, you saw a familiar blond hunched over the Pinball Machine, trying to beat his high score, its bell dinging whenever he scored. Typical Vance.

Ripping your attention off of him, you went between the aisles, but there was no sight of Maya. Suddenly, you heard a lot of commotion come from the side of the freezers. You decided to go there. Going on the other side, you saw a formed crowd of kids. A lot of hyping up and yells could be heard. A fight was happening. You don't know how the lady at the cash register wasn't hearing them chanting 'Fight, fight, fight!'. You wanted to shrug it off, but it was like an itch waiting to be scratched. As you pushed through the kids towards the center, you froze. Your eyes widened from the scene in front of you.

What the fuck?

Some two girls were holding Maya's arms from both her sides, and a third one was throwing punches and kicks at her. Your best friend's face was bruised, and so were her legs and arms. Her lip was almost busted. It wasn't even a fight at this point it was torture.

With clenched fists, your knuckles probably turning white at this point, you looked at the cashier and then back to Maya. When she moved her eyes towards you, you saw pain but relief when she took notice of you. There was so much more, but you couldn't just stand there anymore.

As you pushed through the kids, you went behind the girl who was hitting her. Grabbing her from the hair, you heard her yelp out in pain. "You putrid crotch-sniffing toerag, I swear to God I will kill you!" You yelled at her while turning her head to look at you. "Let me go, you cunt!" Ignoring her demanding, you straight up bashed her head in the freezer then threw her to the ground afterwards. When she lifted her head up, her eyes were teary and her nose was bleeding. She touched the bloody trail dripping from her nostrils with her fingers, looking at it she glared at you, anger in her eyes. As she got up she swinged a punch at you but you quickly ducked. Seeing her leg move a bit, you assumed she was going to try and kick you somewhere. Knowing her next attack, you blocked it with the tip of your elbow. You heard from somewhere that blocking it that way hurts your opponent more. Suddenly, an idea popped up in your mind. You grinned, bending your knees down a bit, hands resting on them.

"Stupidity ain't a crime, so feel fuckin' free to get outta here, bitch!" You remarked. "Oh! And by the way. I dont know if your parents realize that they're living proof of making a complete mistake and a fucking bitch that bullies other kids and projects her problems on them." You spat out afterward. She just stared up at you. And that's where you crossed the line. Before you can even comprehend, she punched you right in the nose.

"Y/N!" You heard the voice of your best friend call out to you. There was so much noise and commotion. You felt like everything was a fever dream. That was until you fell to the ground. You shut your eyes, feeling them sting. When you opened them, they were teary, and you felt a warm liquid trickling down your nose. Yup, you definently got a bloody nose, too. You wiped the blood with the sleeve of your shirt and looked up at her with a nasty glare. She was just grimacing down at you like you were some sort of creature that snuck on Earth. Out of nowhere, she decided to kick you in the hip multiple times, and your not gonna lie, it hurt like a bitch. It almost felt like you were gonna have a broken pelvis.

Just as you thought you were done for and embarrassed yourself in front of the whole Grab 'N Go, Maya shouted unexpectedly.

"Hey, you cock-sucking hackwag!" The girl turned around, facing her. She was surprised at her words because earlier she was tormenting your best friend, and now she's getting insulted by her. "Getting bold, are we?" She questioned, tilting her head while crossing her arms in front of her chest.

You sat up, your back leaning against the freezer door. You felt a slight lump on your lip. As you touched it a bit with the tips of your fingers, you realized she busted your lip. Grimacing, you looked up at the crowd. Some of them were watching Maya and the girl. Some were watching you. Including Vance. His eyes were scanning your bruises and whatnot that was on your exposed skin. He wasn't looking at you only. He was a fighter after all, he was here for the fight. But when his eyes went to your slightly parted bloody lips, his eyebrows furrowed as he locked eyes with yours. The both of you were having a staring stand-off. Well, that was until someone's torso fell on your feet, hissing and groaning, and you heard an 'Oh!' from the crowd. You were ready to attack that rascal again if Maya was the one on your feet, but it wasn't. It was quite the opposite, actually. Maya was standing proudly, a small grin plastered on her lips because the girl was on the ground. You brought your feet up to your torso, her back hitting the ground, making her groan out again. You let out a laugh and stood up, dusting yourself.

Grabbing your best friend's hand, you pushed through the crowd. "We gotta go before we get into even more trouble!" You exclaimed, turning your head to glance at her. Going past the cashier lady, she gave you an odd look before turning her gaze from where the leftover commotion was coming from.

When you and Maya went out the door, the bell rang, signaling your exit. You started running and giggling a bit, both of your lungs' burning. Both of you were bruised, scratched, and whatnot. People on the street were giving you weird and concerned looks, but hey. At least you kind of protected Maya. But you owed her now. She saved you from that girl before she could do something else than just throw a blow and some kicks at you. You were just glad she was okay.

As for now, both of you went over to your house and fixed each other up on the living room couch, watching some clichè action movie. After a while, she said.

"Dude, I honestly thought you were done for when she started kickin' and shit. You looked so.."

"Don't even finish."

She chuckled while laying her head on your lap, her legs on the armrest. "I'm just glad you're okay, N/N." She murmured.

"Me too, Bugs." You answered, caressing her hair. "Oh, by the way, did you see the way Vance looked at you? It was weird."

"I know, don't mention it. Again." You exclaimed quickly. "Why?" She asked. There was a moment of silence between the both of you. "Because I don't know what kind of look it was." You mumbled. "What kind of look did you hope it was?" She looked up at you, her blue eyes looking for an answer in yours.

"I don't know." You stated, ripping your eyes from hers to the TV.

"Then, if you don't know now, you will find out another day." She said before turning her attention towards the movie.

What a day.

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ NOTES : Hello, guys! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I am currently working on the second chapter of the fic, so stay tuned! If you want to get tagged when chapter II is out, please leave a comment or like! If you have any suggestions for the next chapter, feel free to tell me in the comments! Bye-bye! :D

Tags ! : @yayitsyannie @serradiary1ry @dollyzdove I edited the fic up a bit, so that's why I'm tagging you guys for chapter I !

[munsons-maiden]

you don’t have to answer bc this will probably cause discourse lol

i honestly don’t understand how chrissy can be with someone like jason yet people ship her with eddie. like you can’t argue that she didn’t know about all the names that he was called and probably thought them too, since she was afraid/nervous around him in the woods during the drug deal. it’s a small town and even smaller school, you can’t tell me that she didn’t think the same things as jason did. she just had the chance of seeing that he’s actually nice one time and it was during a drug deal.

imo everyone just wants to see themselves as the only pretty, white, thin girl who is available to ship eddie with. if chrissy was black or asian or fat then she would not have as many fans or people feeling sorry for her (in the show and irl). same with Eddie tbh but that’s a whole other can of worms that people on here aren’t ready for.

i probably would’ve liked her character better if she was woc or fat tbh but then tumblr would shame her or ship eddie with nancy instead lol

I'm answering this because a) discourse is okay as long as it's friendly and respectful, and b) because I'd like to offer my own perspective on Chrissy since she's a character I can very much relate to.

First of all, as I said, that's only my opinion but I would have shipped her with Eddie regardless of her outer appearance, body type, ethnicity or even gender for that matter because I see the potential between those two and because I see Chrissy as a character very differently than you do.

I don't mean that as an offense, but you shouldn't generalize the reasons why people like Chrissy or ship her with Eddie; they don't owe anyone an explanation for that and some people, myself included, relate to her for a whole array of deeply personal reasons (and I mean that with shipping completely aside; let's focus on Chrissy as her own character here in this reply).

What I see when I look at Chrissy is a young girl who's hurting because she's forced into a corset of conformity that suffocates her with every day. Her abusive mother and her surroundings have taught her that perfection is what matters (we clearly see that in her Vecna vision, in the facade she's putting up at the pep rally during Jason's speech - the smile never reaches her eyes, they're hollow and sad) and it's literally killing her long before Vecna strikes. She struggles with an eating disorder. Her thinness is the sign of a severe mental illness that kills people in real life. She's a victim of abuse, and she's killed in one of the most brutal, horrendous ways possible. I'm only talking about Chrissy's specific case here, not the general problems of racism and fatphobia in fandom and irl because that would be far too complex to address correctly in a single post - but we, the audience, were meant to feel sorry for Chrissy, and the reasons why many of us do are, again, varying. Personal experience, relating with her struggle etc.

Chrissy is drowning - and I can assure you, as someone who's walked in her shoes, that in her situation, you're in constant survival mode. And Jason being a narcissist doesn't help her situation, but more on that later.

you can’t argue that she didn’t know about all the names that he was called

Yes, Chrissy knew Eddie was being called a freak. But if we see one thing very clearly in the woods scene, it's that she doesn't think of him as that, and that she doesn't treat him as such - and never did because if she had, you can bet that Eddie would have taken way longer to warm to her. Compared with, for example the talk between Steve and Eddie in the UD where Steve doesn't exactly try to make Eddie comfortable or reciprocate the attempt at finding a common ground but instead subconsciously makes Eddie, once again, feel like a freak for his interest in heavy metal, the woods scene shows that Chrissy doesn't view Eddie as a freak, at least not in a bad way because her reaction to Eddie calling her the Queen of Hawkins High vs a Freak is like day and night:

This whole encounter in the woods, regardless of whether you ship them or not, clearly shows us one thing: Chrissy is deeply unhappy, and I'd even call her desperate because she holds on to Eddie for dear life because...this stranger she doesn't even know is the only one she can open up to knowing he won't judge her because he's already a freak. The situation reminds me a bit of Jack and Rose in Titanic tbh, or Belle and The Beast. This concept is indeed as old as time, storytelling-wise.

You can see her performative fake smile at the rally:

vs her real smile with Eddie:

I said it before: Eddie and Jason are the embodiment of two very different values. Jason stands for forced conformity and the very real danger of being bullied or worse if you don't conform; Eddie embodies being yourself and knowing your worth even if others don't see it. You can read about that here.

and probably thought them too, since she was afraid/nervous around him in the woods during the drug deal

She was very clearly nervous/afraid because the second before she met Eddie, she had the second absolutely terrifying hallucination in a single day.

Now tell me, after that: wouldn't you be nervous/unsettled as well?

Eddie clearly thinks she's scared to get caught first (and tries to calm her, telling her that it was a safe place and nobody would ever come out there to catch them dealing), then he thinks she's scared of him - that's why he tells her he'd go and that it wasn't a problem. To which Chrissy says: "No, it's not that - I don't want you to go." and then she opens up to him because who else does she have to open up to? Jason? Who doesn't see her fading away further with the mental illness that's slowly killing her?

Chrissy was never scared of Eddie. (else, she would've never come to his trailer, but I digress).

The constant pressure to be perfect Chrissy faces at home, by her mother, the comments on her weight we see her making in the Vecna vision: Chrissy has been raised to believe she needs to be flawless and perfect and (since we're all human) Chrissy knows she can never be flawless and perfect, never be enough. It's constant failure, she feels inadequate and her self-esteem is very low because of it no matter that she's the Queen because she knows it's a mask and it's tied to the terms and conditions of being perfect - and being Queen puts her in a spotlight, a constant danger of people realizing she's not perfect.

It's a constant feeling of losig control, and she gains a sense of security and control in the only way she knows how: controlling her weight and her hunger. That's exactly how EDs are developed. (A widespread, very harmful misconception about EDs such as Bulimia Nervosa and Anorexia Nervosa is that those suffering from it hate people who are overweigh when in reality, it's not about weight, they hate themselves because the unattainable standards of perfectionism they were taught to adhere to cannot be attained by them. I say that as a psychologist. Those suffering from EDs are victims of unattainable standards of beauty and perfectionism as much as people who are overweight (I'm only talking about beauty standards here, not about society's reaction. I'm very much aware that people with overweight face fatphobia - they're both victims of the same system; the difference is that those on the underweight side of the spectrum of it "fit" better with the norm and thus are spared the treatment those on the overweight side of the same spectrum sadly have to face).

And that's why she's with Jason, btw, a study-book narcissist and master-manipulator. When you're struggling, especially with a low self-esteem, you fall prey to people like Jason and the sense of security they give you, their status can give you, or simply because you don't feel you deserve better.

Chrissy is running for her life long before Vecna gets her.

Again, you're perfectly entitled to your opinion on Chrissy, just like everyone else. And just like you did in your ask, I'm offering my own perspective on her as a character.

[rottenbutrecovering]

I’m just curious how being a transphobe makes someone a terrible person but you can’t explain, so :/

Since you asked so nicely, sure, here’s an explanation. Under a read more as it’s p detailed, make sure to read it all.

According to all known lawsof aviation,  there is no way a beeshould be able to fly.  Its wings are too small to getits fat little body off the ground.  The bee, of course, flies anyway  because bees don't carewhat humans think is impossible.  Yellow, black. Yellow, black.Yellow, black. Yellow, black.  Ooh, black and yellow!Let's shake it up a little.  Barry! Breakfast is ready!  Ooming!  Hang on a second.  Hello?  - Barry?- Adam?  - Oan you believe this is happening?- I can't. I'll pick you up.  Looking sharp.  Use the stairs. Your fatherpaid good money for those.  Sorry. I'm excited.  Here's the graduate.We're very proud of you, son.  A perfect report card, all B's.  Very proud.  Ma! I got a thing going here.  - You got lint on your fuzz.- Ow! That's me!  - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.- Bye!  Barry, I told you,stop flying in the house!  - Hey, Adam.- Hey, Barry.  - Is that fuzz gel?- A little. Special day, graduation.  Never thought I'd make it.  Three days grade school,three days high school.  Those were awkward.  Three days college. I'm glad I tooka day and hitchhiked around the hive.  You did come back different.  - Hi, Barry.- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.  - Hear about Frankie?- Yeah.  - You going to the funeral?- No, I'm not going.  Everybody knows,sting someone, you die.  Don't waste it on a squirrel.Such a hothead.  I guess he could havejust gotten out of the way.  I love this incorporatingan amusement park into our day.  That's why we don't need vacations.  Boy, quite a bit of pomp...under the circumstances.  - Well, Adam, today we are men.- We are!  - Bee-men.- Amen!  Hallelujah!  Students, faculty, distinguished bees,  please welcome Dean Buzzwell.  Welcome, New Hive Oitygraduating class of...  ...9:15.  That concludes our ceremonies.  And begins your careerat Honex Industries!  Will we pick ourjob today?  I heard it's just orientation.  Heads up! Here we go.  Keep your hands and antennasinside the tram at all times.  - Wonder what it'll be like?- A little scary.  Welcome to Honex,a division of Honesco  and a part of the Hexagon Group.  This is it!  Wow.  Wow.  We know that you, as a bee,have worked your whole life  to get to the point where youcan work for your whole life.  Honey begins when our valiant PollenJocks bring the nectar to the hive.  Our top-secret formula  is automatically color-corrected,scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured  into this soothing sweet syrup  with its distinctivegolden glow you know as...  Honey!  - That girl was hot.- She's my cousin!  - She is?- Yes, we're all cousins.  - Right. You're right.- At Honex, we constantly strive  to improve every aspectof bee existence.  These bees are stress-testinga new helmet technology.  - What do you think he makes?- Not enough.  Here we have our latest advancement,the Krelman.  - What does that do?- Oatches that little strand of honey  that hangs after you pour it.Saves us millions.  Oan anyone work on the Krelman?  Of course. Most bee jobs aresmall ones. But bees know  that every small job,if it's done well, means a lot.  But choose carefully  because you'll stay in the jobyou pick for the rest of your life.  The same job the rest of your life?I didn't know that.  What's the difference?  You'll be happy to know that bees,as a species, haven't had one day off  in 27 million years.  So you'll just work us to death?  We'll sure try.  Wow! That blew my mind!  "What's the difference?"How can you say that?  One job forever?That's an insane choice to have to make.  I'm relieved. Now we only haveto make one decision in life.  But, Adam, how could theynever have told us that?  Why would you question anything?We're bees.  We're the most perfectlyfunctioning society on Earth.  You ever think maybe thingswork a little too well here?  Like what? Give me one example.  I don't know. But you knowwhat I'm talking about.  Please clear the gate.Royal Nectar Force on approach.  Wait a second. Oheck it out.  - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!- Wow.  I've never seen them this close.  They know what it's likeoutside the hive.  Yeah, but some don't come back.  - Hey, Jocks!- Hi, Jocks!  You guys did great!  You're monsters!You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!  - I wonder where they were.- I don't know.  Their day's not planned.  Outside the hive, flying who knowswhere, doing who knows what.  You can'tjust decide to be a PollenJock. You have to be bred for that.  Right.  Look. That's more pollenthan you and I will see in a lifetime.  It's just a status symbol.Bees make too much of it.  Perhaps. Unless you're wearing itand the ladies see you wearing it.  Those ladies?Aren't they our cousins too?  Distant. Distant.  Look at these two.  - Oouple of Hive Harrys.- Let's have fun with them.  It must be dangerousbeing a Pollen Jock.  Yeah. Once a bear pinned meagainst a mushroom!  He had a paw on my throat,and with the other, he was slapping me!  - Oh, my!- I never thought I'd knock him out.  What were you doing during this?  Trying to alert the authorities.  I can autograph that.  A little gusty out there today,wasn't it, comrades?  Yeah. Gusty.  We're hitting a sunflower patchsix miles from here tomorrow.  - Six miles, huh?- Barry!  A puddle jump for us,but maybe you're not up for it.  - Maybe I am.- You are not!  We're going 0900 at J-Gate.  What do you think, buzzy-boy?Are you bee enough?  I might be. It all dependson what 0900 means.  Hey, Honex!  Dad, you surprised me.  You decide what you're interested in?  - Well, there's a lot of choices.- But you only get one.  Do you ever get boreddoing the same job every day?  Son, let me tell you about stirring.  You grab that stick, and you justmove it around, and you stir it around.  You get yourself into a rhythm.It's a beautiful thing.  You know, Dad,the more I think about it,  maybe the honey fieldjust isn't right for me.  You were thinking of what,making balloon animals?  That's a bad jobfor a guy with a stinger.  Janet, your son's not surehe wants to go into honey!  - Barry, you are so funny sometimes.- I'm not trying to be funny.  You're not funny! You're goinginto honey. Our son, the stirrer!  - You're gonna be a stirrer?- No one's listening to me!  Wait till you see the sticks I have.  I could say anything right now.I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!  Let's open some honey and celebrate!  Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.Shave my antennae.  Shack up with a grasshopper. Geta gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!  I'm so proud.  - We're starting work today!- Today's the day.  Oome on! All the good jobswill be gone.  Yeah, right.  Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,stirrer, front desk, hair removal...  - Is it still available?- Hang on. Two left!  One of them's yours! Oongratulations!Step to the side.  - What'd you get?- Picking crud out. Stellar!  Wow!  Oouple of newbies?  Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!  Make your choice.  - You want to go first?- No, you go.  Oh, my. What's available?  Restroom attendant's open,not for the reason you think.  - Any chance of getting the Krelman?- Sure, you're on.  I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.  Wax monkey's always open.  The Krelman opened up again.  What happened?  A bee died. Makes an opening. See?He's dead. Another dead one.  Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.  Dead from the neck up.Dead from the neck down. That's life!  Oh, this is so hard!  Heating, cooling,stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,  humming, inspector number seven,lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,  mite wrangler. Barry, whatdo you think I should... Barry?  Barry!  All right, we've got the sunflower patchin quadrant nine...  What happened to you?Where are you?  - I'm going out.- Out? Out where?  - Out there.- Oh, no!  I have to, before I goto work for the rest of my life.  You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?  Another call coming in.  If anyone's feeling brave,there's a Korean deli on 83rd  that gets their roses today.  Hey, guys.  - Look at that.- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?  Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.  It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.  Really? Feeling lucky, are you?  Sign here, here. Just initial that.  - Thank you.- OK.  You got a rain advisory today,  and as you all know,bees cannot fly in rain.  So be careful. As always,watch your brooms,  hockey sticks, dogs,birds, bears and bats.  Also, I got a couple of reportsof root beer being poured on us.  Murphy's in a home because of it,babbling like a cicada!  - That's awful.- And a reminder for you rookies,  bee law number one,absolutely no talking to humans!  All right, launch positions!  Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!  Black and yellow!  Hello!  You ready for this, hot shot?  Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.  Wind, check.  - Antennae, check.- Nectar pack, check.  - Wings, check.- Stinger, check.  Scared out of my shorts, check.  OK, ladies,  let's move it out!  Pound those petunias,you striped stem-suckers!  All of you, drain those flowers!  Wow! I'm out!  I can't believe I'm out!  So blue.  I feel so fast and free!  Box kite!  Wow!  Flowers!  This is Blue Leader.We have roses visual.  Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.  Roses!  30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.  Stand to the side, kid.It's got a bit of a kick.  That is one nectar collector!  - Ever see pollination up close?- No, sir.  I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle itover here. Maybe a dash over there,  a pinch on that one.See that? It's a little bit of magic.  That's amazing. Why do we do that?  That's pollen power. More pollen, moreflowers, more nectar, more honey for us.  Oool.  I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?  Oopy that visual.  Wait. One of these flowersseems to be on the move.  Say again? You're reportinga moving flower?  Affirmative.  That was on the line!  This is the coolest. What is it?  I don't know, but I'm loving this color.  It smells good.Not like a flower, but I like it.  Yeah, fuzzy.  Ohemical-y.  Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.  My sweet lord of bees!  Oandy-brain, get off there!  Problem!  - Guys!- This could be bad.  Affirmative.  Very close.  Gonna hurt.  Mama's little boy.  You are way out of position, rookie!  Ooming in at you like a missile!  Help me!  I don't think these are flowers.  - Should we tell him?- I think he knows.  What is this?!  Match point!  You can start packing up, honey,because you're about to eat it!  Yowser!  Gross.  There's a bee in the car!  - Do something!- I'm driving!  - Hi, bee.- He's back here!  He's going to sting me!  Nobody move. If you don't move,he won't sting you. Freeze!  He blinked!  Spray him, Granny!  What are you doing?!  Wow... the tension levelout here is unbelievable.  I gotta get home.  Oan't fly in rain.  Oan't fly in rain.  Oan't fly in rain.  Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!  Ken, could you closethe window please?  Ken, could you closethe window please?  Oheck out my new resume.I made it into a fold-out brochure.  You see? Folds out.  Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.  What was that?  Maybe this time. This time. This time.This time! This time! This...  Drapes!  That is diabolical.  It's fantastic. It's got all my specialskills, even my top-ten favorite movies.  What's number one? Star Wars?  Nah, I don't go for that...  ...kind of stuff.  No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.They're out of their minds.  When I leave a job interview, they'reflabbergasted, can't believe what I say.  There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.  I don't remember the sunhaving a big 75 on it.  I predicted global warming.  I could feel it getting hotter.At first I thought it was just me.  Wait! Stop! Bee!  Stand back. These are winter boots.  Wait!  Don't kill him!  You know I'm allergic to them!This thing could kill me!  Why does his life haveless value than yours?  Why does his life have any less valuethan mine? Is that your statement?  I'm just saying all life has value. Youdon't know what he's capable of feeling.  My brochure!  There you go, little guy.  I'm not scared of him.It's an allergic thing.  Put that on your resume brochure.  My whole face could puff up.  Make it one of your special skills.  Knocking someone outis also a special skill.  Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.  - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.  - You could put carob chips on there.- Bye.  - Supposed to be less calories.- Bye.  I gotta say something.  She saved my life.I gotta say something.  All right, here it goes.  Nah.  What would I say?  I could really get in trouble.  It's a bee law.You're not supposed to talk to a human.  I can't believe I'm doing this.  I've got to.  Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!  No. Yes. No.  Do it. I can't.  How should I start it?"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.  Here she comes! Speak, you fool!  Hi!  I'm sorry.  - You're talking.- Yes, I know.  You're talking!  I'm so sorry.  No, it's OK. It's fine.I know I'm dreaming.  But I don't recall going to bed.  Well, I'm sure thisis very disconcerting.  This is a bit of a surprise to me.I mean, you're a bee!  I am. And I'm not supposedto be doing this,  but they were all trying to kill me.  And if it wasn't for you...  I had to thank you.It's just how I was raised.  That was a little weird.  - I'm talking with a bee.- Yeah.  I'm talking to a bee.And the bee is talking to me!  I just want to say I'm grateful.I'll leave now.  - Wait! How did you learn to do that?- What?  The talking thing.  Same way you did, I guess."Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.  - That's very funny.- Yeah.  Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,we'd cry with what we have to deal with.  Anyway...  Oan I...  ...get you something?- Like what?  I don't know. I mean...I don't know. Ooffee?  I don't want to put you out.  It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.  - It's just coffee.- I hate to impose.  - Don't be ridiculous!- Actually, I would love a cup.  Hey, you want rum cake?  - I shouldn't.- Have some.  - No, I can't.- Oome on!  I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.  - Where?- These stripes don't help.  You look great!  I don't know if you knowanything about fashion.  Are you all right?  No.  He's making the tie in the cabas they're flying up Madison.  He finally gets there.  He runs up the steps into the church.The wedding is on.  And he says, "Watermelon?I thought you said Guatemalan.  Why would I marry a watermelon?"  Is that a bee joke?  That's the kind of stuff we do.  Yeah, different.  So, what are you gonna do, Barry?  About work? I don't know.  I want to do my part for the hive,but I can't do it the way they want.  I know how you feel.  - You do?- Sure.  My parents wanted me to be a lawyer ora doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.  - Really?- My only interest is flowers.  Our new queen was just electedwith that same campaign slogan.  Anyway, if you look...  There's my hive right there. See it?  You're in Sheep Meadow!  Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!  No way! I know that area.I lost a toe ring there once.  - Why do girls put rings on their toes?- Why not?  - It's like putting a hat on your knee.- Maybe I'll try that.  - You all right, ma'am?- Oh, yeah. Fine.  Just having two cups of coffee!  Anyway, this has been great.Thanks for the coffee.  Yeah, it's no trouble.  Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,I'd be up the rest of my life.  Are you...?  Oan I take a piece of this with me?  Sure! Here, have a crumb.  - Thanks!- Yeah.  All right. Well, then...I guess I'll see you around.  Or not.  OK, Barry.  And thank youso much again... for before.  Oh, that? That was nothing.  Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...  This can't possibly work.  He's all set to go.We may as well try it.  OK, Dave, pull the chute.  - Sounds amazing.- It was amazing!  It was the scariest,happiest moment of my life.  Humans! I can't believeyou were with humans!  Giant, scary humans!What were they like?  Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.  They eat crazy giant things.They drive crazy.  - Do they try and kill you, like on TV?- Some of them. But some of them don't.  - How'd you get back?- Poodle.  You did it, and I'm glad. You sawwhatever you wanted to see.  You had your "experience." Now youcan pick out yourjob and be normal.  - Well...- Well?  Well, I met someone.  You did? Was she Bee-ish?  - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!- No, no, no, not a wasp.  - Spider?- I'm not attracted to spiders.  I know it's the hottest thing,with the eight legs and all.  I can't get by that face.  So who is she?  She's... human.  No, no. That's a bee law.You wouldn't break a bee law.  - Her name's Vanessa.- Oh, boy.  She's so nice. And she's a florist!  Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!  We're not dating.  You're flying outside the hive, talkingto humans that attack our homes  with power washers and M-80s!One-eighth a stick of dynamite!  She saved my life!And she understands me.  This is over!  Eat this.  This is not over! What was that?  - They call it a crumb.- It was so stingin' stripey!  And that's not what they eat.That's what falls off what they eat!  - You know what a Oinnabon is?- No.  It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.They heat it up...  Sit down!  ...really hot!- Listen to me!  We are not them! We're us.There's us and there's them!  Yes, but who can denythe heart that is yearning?  There's no yearning.Stop yearning. Listen to me!  You have got to start thinking bee,my friend. Thinking bee!  - Thinking bee.- Thinking bee.  Thinking bee! Thinking bee!Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  There he is. He's in the pool.  You know what your problem is, Barry?  I gotta start thinking bee?  How much longer will this go on?  It's been three days!Why aren't you working?  I've got a lot of big life decisionsto think about.  What life? You have no life!You have no job. You're barely a bee!  Would it kill youto make a little honey?

[mischievouspoltergeist]

When my mother got sick last year, someone asked me why I had such an issue with taking care of her (as I'd expressed I really didn't feel like I 'had' to or owed her that much as she had never taken care of us ever, let alone when we were sick, but that I intended to try anyway) since I called her my best friend (supposedly, at some point, I believe I probably did, it was something she made me say at family gatherings a lot).

It's taken almost a year and a whole lot of shit for me to answer that question: I was stuck in an abusive relationship with my mother and the only way to survive was to make myself believe we really were friends. Because if I let myself realise she really didn't care about me, I could never have sorted in my head why I did everything she wanted, why I went along with so much and why I stuck around.

In many ways, the pattern of abuse was identical to my relationship with a man who had narcissistic personality disorder (diagnosed, aware of it and chose not to engage in help). Except, I left him after four months, but for at least three of those I was kept on a string of believing I was the problem whilst he screamed in my face, bullied me and physically abused me.

My relationship with my mother lasted 23 years. For many of those years I was still a child. I was so easy to indoctrinate with ideas and beliefs that I was the root of all the problems in her world. I went with it. I've spent years feeling like I ruined my mother's life because that's what she told me. I've spent YEARS trying to make up for what I did by being born because that's what she told me to do.

It's led to me growing up to become a vulnerable adult. When I think someone loves me, I think their opinion about me must just be right. Because surely someone who loves you wouldn't tell you were a fat whore unless it was true, right?

It was so easy to dodge questions like 'why do you put up with her if she literally is so rude to you all the time?' with a 'idk. She's my best friend' because don't best friends speak every day? Don't best friends do things together constantly? Don't best friends scream at their best friend when they haven't spoken to them in 5 hours? Don't best friends kick and shout and scream when you say you're busy and can't do anything that day?

My friends witnessed many incidents with my mum and would ask, incredously, why the fuck I hang around her when she spoke to me that way, and it would just be a shrug. It was easier to go along with it than fight it. Fighting back meant being screamed at and frightening displays of controlling behaviour. It was as simple as if I hung around my mum daily, the abuse was at around 30-70% severity dependent on her mood. If I ignored her for a few days, then the abuse was at 80-100% severe. Imagine going to spend the day with someone who is going to yell at you every time you speak, put you down at every chance, find an insecurity and dig and dig and dig. So you avoid that by letting her abuse you just a bit less daily.

I was dependant on my mum for much of life's little things and she made sure of that. It's been hard and relying on my friends to help me is difficult and scary because I'm so used to it coming with a cupful of abuse. I'm always on edge, waiting for it to blow up in my face.

I also just don't know where to draw lines thanks to my mums abuse. How much abuse is too much? My chart is way off. I will keep trying cos god, the size of the cup of abuse my mum fed me daily was absolutely huge compared to the abuse I've ever had from others. Someone could say one nice thing about me and abuse me the rest of the day and that would still be less abuse than my mother dealt me.

I made so many excuses for her. She admitted fully she never wanted me from the start - my dad wanted me but when I was born, he changed his mind and got a job so she had to put her life on hold and so I ruined everything. I was a problem from the start because I was female, and that meant I was going to be abused in her eyes, so she detached herself (was she ever attached?) rather than even attempt to protect me. I excused her for that. I first shouldered the blame for why she hated me when I was 6/7 years old and she told me about her own past. The grand irony is that had she been watching, had she cared to pay attention, I would likely not have been abused. The grandest irony of all was that my biggest abuser was her.

I still catch myself excusing her. 'Oh I always went silent after she screamed at me for daring to ask her not to be nasty towards me. Maybe I could have spoken up more.' even though I know logically that only made things worse. I remember once asking her if I could remove the furniture from my bedroom when she was away (so I could store it in her room) so that I could remove the black mould growing all up my windows, my walls and (as I later discovered), all up the sides of my actual bed and mattress. I was so ill all of the time and my breathing was a mess. I could smell it all the time, it was so overwhelming and although I cleaned what I could, due to my bedroom being a closet, I couldn't get behind anything without removing everything. She said no. No reason, no explanation, just no. Like most things that benefitted me. I was incredibly frustrated and begged that I could barely breathe for mould, she screamed at me that I deserved it and it was my fault. Black mould had been a persistent problem in that room long before I moved into it, as she had lived there before and seen it. I finally raised my voice and told her I wasn't going to accept this blatant disregard for my health and I was going to do it next time she was away anyway. I was paying rent at that point but it did not stop her getting up and getting in my face and telling me to get the fuck out her house. The third or so time she had kicked me out. There was no reasoning with her. She liked it when I suffered.

She is a narcissist through and through and I have been suffocated by narcissistic abuse for 23 years. Even now, she attempts to abuse me via my brother and father and even the government. She has lost her victim - the last person willing to take her shit. Most her family and friends are not willing to help her for more than five minutes as she treats them unkindly when she realises they will take it and stick around. I've watched her do it, and it just gets worse and worse for those people like it did for me. But they leave, because it has not been 23 years for them.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm just... Through. My dad accepted my ultimatum and chose me. It's a weird feeling and a promise I hope he can keep. I know she asks him for information and I have told him to stop giving it to her repeatedly.

To those who think a mother deserves for their child to revere them permanently just because they birthed them... You're wrong. It is our actions and choices that shape our relationship and at every choice, my mother chose to act in her own interests with no care for anyone else. This is a woman who let a man beat her children whilst bragging to them he'd never hit her cos he knew she'd leave. I gave both my parents chances to mend our relationships and believe me, my dad was an appalling parent growing up. He was atrocious. But he decided he wanted to mend that relationship and he wanted to be a dad. Yes, it's sad he didn't realise it sooner but I'm happy for the relationship I have with him now, even if it's not perfect and he really doesn't know how to dad sometimes. My mum? My mum will still tell you it's my fault she finished her degree a year later than she wanted because I was born and I ruined everything 23 years ago. I dared to be born female and put that stress on her. She holds it over my head like it is my responsibility to fix. It has broken me. I've spent 23 years trying to make up to her the faults of my being born and nothing will ever, EVER be good enough to do that. I have given all I have to give. I literally have nothing left to give.

[hellfirexandxashes]

“  you think i don’t notice but i do.  i can tell something’s wrong.  ”    ( from fats to rappa w love )

@nastylamb

Well, seems like his uncharacteristic silence and lack of boisterous attitude had been noticed fairly quickly. Not that it was much of a challenge, but of course Taishiro would be the first one to call him out on it. Everyone at the agency had either subtly celebrated his subdued mood or avoided him entirely.

The only sound that can be heard is a sharp inhale that is taken after Taishiro's comment, Rappa finding it difficult to muster up some kind of response to brush the other man off. He wasn't exactly sure what was wrong with him either, but he knows he doesn't like it. He doesn't like getting stuck in his own head, thinking of things that have long since passed that he had come to accept long ago. Things that are over with and long buried. But for some reason his stupid therapist keeps dragging them out and wanting him to talk about them and telling him what he went through was-

Bad? Wrong? He didn't deserve it? Things should have played out differently? He should have been saved?

Ha, whatever.

Rappa snorts, finding wasting time on such things was pointless, what's done was done, right?

"I..." Rappa really doesn't know where to even begin, but he feels he owes some kind of explanation to the blond, although he was never the eloquent type. "It's my stupid therapist. Just all the shit she keeps bringing up that's making me act dumb and weird. Don't know why she keeps bringing the same shit up every session, Tai. What happened, happened. I don't want to waste time wondering about what ifs and I really don't wanna hear shit like it was regretful or bad or wrong or shouldn't have happened. Because of what happened, I got to meet you. So I don't regret nothing, except maybe losing out on the chance to meet you early on." He stresses, his frown prominent from where his mask had been partially unzipped to reveal the lower half of his face.

"I know it's fucking stupid, and I hate that I'm thinking about that pointless shit now when I could be doing shit that matters."

[lesbitchka]

Is it bad not to want a lasting relationship? I don't even mean, like... "identity" wise, I'm not talking like that's my orientation. I just don't want a lasting relationship right now, I want to experiment, I want to experience things, I want things to go badly, and I want things to go really great, and I want to experience all kinds of connections. I've never had a s/o before. But there's a guy who likes me who's really sweet, but I’m not really interested because… 1/7

Well, he’s just a little too … feminine (?) for my tastes (I’m gay and I totally see him as a guy, but he talks about how much he loves his ‘titties’ and keeps his hair semi-long and wears exclusively dresses/skirts, which is great for him! But that’s not the kind of guy I’m attracted to) and he’s a bit MOGAI-ish. Not totally subscribed, but he’s Asexual Demiromantic Trans-Masc-Attracted Demiboy & has a tendency to be very inclusionist in his, ah. Opinions towards trans ladies and lesbians.2/7

He’s a really great friend if we just don’t talk about that stuff (he doesn’t know my own exclusionist stance, and we fight if I ever defend trans ladies or lesbians). Back to the point, sorry, I got derailed—so. He’s interested in me. And he’s got a great personality for the most part, but he’s my friend, too. A friend, while shitty in a lot of ways, that I don’t want to lose. So I won’t even “give [him] a chance”. I know how he takes break-ups, and we wouldn’t be friends after, and… 3/7

He’s five years older than I am. He’s had four boyfriends. I haven’t had a single relationship yet. I WANT my first relationship to end. I tried to explain that to him, to try to let him down easy, assure him it wasn’t him (it is a little bit but that doesn’t mean he’s anything he says about himself, like, uh, to quote: “gross” “disgusting” “fat” “ugly” “a monster”, etc—I’m just not personally attracted!) but he just… Yells at me. Says he’s not good enough because he’s 4/7 

 “too nice to abuse [me]”, and I only want an “abusive shitbag”. Which… Isn’t true. I mean, sometimes—sometimes I do fantasize about being in an abusive relationship, but that’s. Entirely different. Trauma & depression & self-hate & self-harm & believing I exist to be used for the pleasure of others—when I’m like, rock bottom. But I don’t really WANT that, it’s just—part of the Bad Stuff. I just want some experiences. I want to kiss some people and hold a lot of hands and have sex (maybe I 5/7 

 could give it up for a lifetime partner, but… I want to try it someday. I want to know what it’s like? Sometimes he accuses me of being obsessed with sex, and acts like that’s why, and. I’ve got my issues with sex and all but I. Could probably give it up? I just, want to have a first time? Know what it’s like?) and meet people and go places and fight and break up and move on. I don’t want anything tragic, just the stuff everyone around me has had all through high school. It’s almost over 6/7 

 for me and I’m just the trans kid, and sure, all my peers are great about it, but I’m socially awkward on top of it and don’t have a friend group and have never once had any interest shown in me and… there’s not really time left for me. Is that. Wrong? Is there something I’m not understanding about myself that makes me want that? I don’t think I’m confused on my sexuality, I mean, I like guys..? Wouldn’t anyone be happy that someone is eager to settle down with them? 7/7 

you’re not obligated to date anyone you dont want to date just because they keep insisting. and honestly, his whole “you don’t want me because i’m nice :(” thing and all the other stuff he’s got going on is manipulative af and sounds to me like he’s not in fact as nice as he claims to be

that, combined with the gap of 5 years, you’re perfectly justified in being wary and you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you don’t want to date them. you just don’t. you have no obligation to him just because he likes you and the fact that he feels like you do owe him something indicates that if you two did get involved, it would not be a good relationship for you if only because of his sense of entitlement to you

it’s perfectly normal to fantasize about sex when you get to the stage when you want it but have no means of getting any. it doesn’t make you obsessed, it makes you a human with conventional wants - also, sounds like he’s the type of person who shits on hypersexual people 

it’s also normal to get intrusive thoughts/fantasies about abusive relationships as a ND person. doesn’t mean that we actually want to be in relationships like that, but mental illness is what it is. we can hope to recover from it, but logically knowing that that’s not what we actually want doesn’t make the thoughts go away

you’re definitely not in the wrong for wanting to try multiple relationships first, especially when you haven’t had any yet! we all need to figure out what works for us first and that hardly ever happens in the first relationship, or the second, or the third - someone does figure it out on the first try, but most people don’t and wanting to have the opportunity to explore and “see the world” in a way before you eventually perhaps settle down with one person is perfectly natural and doesn’t make you bad or unusual compared to someone else who does want to settle down right away

your discomfort is likely coming both from the fact that you do want to gain some experiences first and the fact that your friend is… not good. your friendship might sort of work, but his claim on you and the attempts to get you to date him and throwing fits when you refuse are clearly already taking a toll on you and even if you don’t want to lose him as a friend, it might be better to distance yourself for a time, at least until he calms down

because what can happen now is, either he gets it at last and moves on or he ups his manipulation game and continues to guilt you, and you don’t want to deal with that, not when you already have other issues going on