#like I'd love to troubleshoot this actually but that is a problem Way Out Of Scope for this sprint

[viktorbot]

there's this cool thing computers do called "making no sense" and I'm in the business of continuing to not understand them

[hanhonymous]

The Trainee’s workplace authenticity

One of my favorite things about workplace TV shows is when the characters actually do work. AND when the details of such work are not only relatively accurate, but also essential to how the characters relate to themselves, the world and each other. So far, "The Trainee" is giving that to me in the first two episodes.

Having interned/been an assistant at a TV production company and later moving to entertainment journalism and managing interns/junior writers there, I can appreciate both Ryan's and Jane's POVs. Here's what I liked so far:

Good Pick's pink tube slide and movie theater seats in the lobby - A lot of these entertainment-adjacent companies take a cue from Silicon Valley and have this frivolous, frat-boy design aesthetic -- bean bag chairs, foosball tables, etc. I worked in an office that had a ping-pong table. The idea is to make it fun enough that people want to stay in the office and work longer, which isn't really all that great. You stop seeing that fun stuff after a while and just want to get home. That said, I'd love to work in a company with a fire pole in it, but that would be too much of a liability.

Ryan's fluke hiring - Baimon totally hearing what he wants to hear from Ryan in that sham interview is hilarious but sadly not all that unusual. What sucks is that this is unfair to the manager who then must work with the unqualified person, and unfair to that person hired also, who isn't the best fit for the position. I've been the person saddled by the unfortunate hire and have had to make do … and sometimes you can figure it out, but often you're left doing extra work to make up for their deficits. If it's just an intern, no problem -- they'll be gone in a few months. I felt Jane's pain!

Ryan's uncertainty & silence - That said, Ryan clearly wants to do well but is out of his depth since this was not even what he was learning in school. I remember the first day as a journalist for a small company where I kind of was on my own, and nobody told me what to do. I was like, "WTF??" Part of you doesn't want to ask questions lest you expose your imposter identity, but you're also wondering just how long you can do nothing before someone notices.

The printer always breaks down -- always. You get pretty good at troubleshooting everything until resorting to calling a technician

Jane's prickly demeanor - The fact is that in any company, people who are competent can move up, but that doesn't automatically infuse them with good managerial skills. I think workshops, etc. are a must for anyone who gets promoted and suddenly have people reporting to them. Everyone can get frustrated when they're overwhelmed, so I do have some sympathy for Jane. He does have one skill that I think is essential to be a good manager: identifying and acknowledging the strengths of an employee. It really makes all the difference that he finally sees Ryan as an asset, not a hindrance.

Ryan's skills aren't that bad at all - As soon as Ryan tells his family that he's no help to anyone at work, he immediately shows five different ways how much he's relied on by his family. Yes, people who are competent, reliable and can anticipate needs (like how his sister needs to be reminded to charge the battery after using the camera) will be able to apply those skills to other situations and can go far. Ryan just needs to familiarize himself with the industry first in order to know how he can fill in the gaps. (I believe in being able to change careers and taking big pivots in life.)

The interns banding together - OMG I remember sometimes just being unsupervised while trying to get a project together, and there is a strange bond you have being the youngest and least experienced. And you do have the most stupid conversations.

Being one cog in a bigger machine - I really appreciate how they show all the different departments that have to come together to make one project work -- especially when last-minute changes need to be implemented or a persnickety client has opinions. You complain, you worry, you put in extra late hours and have to make 11th-hour fixes -- but it's so satisfying to see it all come together. Shit goes down, and you fix it.

Hiring extras - The hiring of extras at Good Pick was different from what I've experienced. I actually have been an extra, and what I'm used to is being part of a company or agency that has you in their database, and then you get picked or cast by that company and sent to your gig. But that's in Hollywood and for TV shows & movies. It's probably different for ad houses or in Thailand, but I did like how they showed that it is still a casting process. There are deliberate decisions made, and certain looks sought out. I thought it was hilarious that Ryan's first thought for hiring the salaryman was to get an uncle from the same restaurant as the auntie. If he had his way, everyone in that restaurant would be hired for some gig or another.

Ryan getting scammed by the extra - I was screaming at Ryan as soon as he offered to pay that scammer extra. Just … no, boy. You had to have known that was shady. BUT despite being duped, he was willing to think on his feet and try to solve a problem by being proactive, and that does happen. And so do mistakes. He just needs to calibrate his radar for what is OK. (I'm glad Jane saw that.) Ryan is lucky that it only cost him 1,000 baht for that lesson.

Extras must be on hand and wait - OK this is a scene in the preview for Episode 3, but I was so happy to see it: Extras in Hollywood actually cannot just spend 5 minutes or whatever to do their job, even if that's how much you see them onscreen. There's a ton of hurry up and wait on film sets, and so extras have to stay in Holding -- usually just a designated area with some chairs (sometimes you get tables) -- until you're needed. And production schedules never run on time, so it can be hours or even days. You're lucky if you're there long enough to get a meal, if the temperature is nice, if you're able to make friends with the others and if there's wifi. Sometimes you bring your own clothes for wardrobe based on what you're told, and sometimes the wardrobe department supplements your wardrobe with extra pieces to help complete a specific look. And yeah, you're not able to leave except for the bathroom, so Ryan definitely shouldn't have let that one extra wander off.

"Ryan After Work" - I like these post-credit sequences that give extra insights into the job. And while the first one was more instructional, explaining how the production house differed from an agency, the second was more about the cohort camaraderie (and hinting at Ryan's positive feelings toward Jane). I hope the romance aspect of the show doesn't overshadow the work specificity going forward!

[circumlocutive]

The first two years of my PhD was easily the best time of my life thus far. I was high on my own achievement- I had turned the trajectory of my life around. There was a glow of accomplishment from getting into grad school in a top 10 engineering school. I stacked a few good fellowships and it was the wealthiest I'd ever been (had just paid off undergrad and could actually save with a stable, predictable salary!). I was dazzled by LA and the newness prompted me to explore. I was super engaged extracurricularly so my social life was phenomenal, I had purpose beyond work and community and plenty of parties to get drunk at. I still had classes/grades to quantitatively assure me of my competence in the first year (I love structured learning, I love performance feedback, I love the way classes impose order on my schedule and force mindfulness of the passage of time). Everything I did was new and there wasn't pressure on my research outcomes. Just trying a new piece of equipment was a success, a thing off the task list.

Mid to late phd though- its not the worst part of my life (of course) (I am no longer a child trapped indoors being assaulted regularly) (or a teen/young adult with the wrong meds and so broke I can't eat) or even necessarily the worst part of my academic life (almost failing out of high school bc of medication side effects and untreated ADHD was awful, and my first taste of academic failure), but fuck this sucks!!!!

I got moved off campus and commuting is atrocious in LA so no more extracurriculars, I go straight home after working long days. The invites dwindled because I'm out of sight, out of mind- and everyone in the masters program I used to know is gone. So my social life has died. I also can't mentor anymore, which used to help revive my enthusiasm.

Then the work is usually lonely, difficult or boring, and physically uncomfortable (too much PPE, or chemical exposure, or it's in the dark, or in the cold, and I can't eat or drink in lab). Lack of guidance and peers with common research has me feeling intellectually isolated. I'm the only person using or setting up a lot of things, so there's no help and it falls on me. Infinitely multiplying problems led to indefinite sprawling task lists, things that must be addressed before progress can be made, and the lack of notable progress has me disconnected from any overarching goals i had. I don't give as much of a fuck anymore. So much of what I do is maintenance or cleaning or troubleshooting things, with little to show for my time. Like cool, I built the chemistry lab space here- but that's tech work! That's not Intellectual Contribution To Science. I might cleverly solve a problem here and there, but there is no applause and it's immediately replaced with another demand. When I do get to think or design something, there's so much riding on the outcome that anxiety robs me of my satisfaction. It's been getting worse too, because my feelings of ambition, competence, and wellbeing plummet with every failure. Papers rarely excite me anymore. I don't read about the neuropsych applications I loved anymore.

But idk. If this was a real job I don't think it'd be so bad. It's ok not to change the world. I don't need glory. Even with tedious, physically uncomfortable, failure-heavy work, I could still enjoy myself if there wasn't the need to graduate. Or rather. The need for successful results, so I can publish about it, so I can graduate. I can slam my head against a brick wall over and over if that's the job, even learn to enjoy it if paid appropriately and my bosses understand-- but it's a PhD so I make so little (1/2 to 1/5 of what I could in industry positions), and I can't stay here indefinitely. I am running out of time. If I was on pace with the program estimates, I'd be graduating in spring/summer 2026. That is not possible. Worst case, I have to graduate by 2028 after all my peers-- or get kicked out. and getting kicked out after all the effort and suffering ive put myself through to get here is a soul crushing idea. It's a betrayal of the younger me that slaved through undergrad, working multiple shitty part time jobs around full time school and research work and ridiculous extracurriculars to get scholarships and make connections. I cannot fail. I can't do it. I can't stomach the waste and humiliation. I think it would put such an awful twist in the narrative of my life that I'd be significantly unwell about it until I die. Like I wouldn't kill myself. I can't for many reasons and won't because my ego and pride will not allow it, but I would want to so badly for so long. I can't fail.

So I have to grit my teeth and do the incredibly hard thing. I've done hard things before. But I know this is going to get harder soon too. Of the few local friends I have left, most are my labmates and theyre starting to grad. I only have one labmate who started after me, but he's computational and has two papers in review which exacerbates the feeling of being behind and the terror of being the last one left. I used to be confident about academics- like even if classes were hard, I knew I could study enough to kill the curve. That's not the case now. I'm unmoored in uncertainty and it makes me sick. The contrast between now and a few years ago drives me insane.

[sinful-karateka]

To: walterhawkman69@gmail.com

Subject: Week 40: "This will get lost in your inbox."

______________________________________________________________

Email time! Email time! Huzzah!

As title suggests: it's Week 40 as of writing, and all hope may be lost—but see, Eli, I've been thinking... more than I've thought for this week alone, really.

See, I can't help it that I think too much. Too much! Like, Hello, 'tis I, Executive Dysfunction's not-so-distant cousin Generalized Anxiety Disorder talking! I often have to consult Google to tell me if my palpitations are from downing too much of Red Bull's excessive carbonation and tangy, metal aftertaste. Also tastes like blood from my bleeding gums. I'd say you're a subject expert on that. After much pondering about it, I feel like I should switch back to soft bristles.

Anyway, that's just a quick summary of the usual if you're ever curious.

Some updates laid out for you (and in no way do you have a choice because I've started this draft from the library computer; had to look busy):

I've switched dorms, finally. The leaking problem can't be fixed; luckily they have a spare room now. It's a little more spacious, spacious enough, but not enough that I'd call it the Deluxe Suite. A bed is a bed and four walls with a view. But on the more entertaining side of things, I might be able to set up my rig somewhere when I go back to the valley.

Get this: our involvement in Computer Camp earned me credit for this one coding subject we're going to take next fall. With that I say: you should actually be proud of yourself, Eli. I should be proud of me, but... well. All but a casual yet important reminder for your wins.

Some girl was totally checking me out at the library today, so I pretended to be as studious as I possibly can because duh. Nerd charm, don't fail me now. No protein shakes needed when you've got a brain that works overtime, 24/7. Biggest flex. (Spoiler: She liked my I'm Code Blooded shirt.)

I checked my old copy of Python for Dummies and found your rough draft of Golagath—you know what I'm talking about. I sense you cringing through the screen. One of your campaigns... I would say, 2016? Is that right? It's the third one, the orange orc iteration, a little on the slimmer side than I remembered. We were drunk drunk on Mug. (I've since then sworn off of any root beer in existence.) But looking at it now, you were always one hell of a doodler. I on the other hand was (and will be) your best critic. There was a message on the side that read about my particular comment on warts. Ah, fun times.

You know who's even more fun to have around? Go ahead, guess.

(It's not me.)

Well, I have about t-minus two hours left to unpack before I'm ejected from my room to socialize at my first House Party. Should you love to know how it goes down, it shall arrive as a lengthy (and sober) email. And tomorrow is reserved for a research spree, see how else I can troubleshoot these lines of code for this game I'm drafting out. In Github we trust. As for the details on what it's about, again: I shall spare you them for another email. You'll love it.

Until then, take care out there, Eli. I'm positive Boston has enough bars enough to power through a single livestream. You can always call me, my number is still my number. Email is email. Just... don't be a stranger and reply when you can.

Please. Please reply.

Always,

Dem

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