#like guy who’s there for like 3 scenes max could possibly ever have more depth than A MAJOR CHARACTER

[gaylittleguys]

it’s actually so fucked up and evil that random white npcs from bg3 that show up twice got more dedicated fans than Wyll

[malexfan10]

Malex thoughts

I was watching some old episodes of Dawson's Creek and it made me want to get some thoughts out. I watched a lot of TV shows growing up. For me, the couples I liked were either ones I casually rooted for or on the rare occasion, a couple took me by such surprise that I became extremely emotionally invested. Malex is the latter.

I've been a fan of Captain Swan (OUAT), Stydia (Teen Wolf), Kurt & Blaine (Glee), Buffy & Angel and lots more. The rare pairings I've been completely lost on, I can name on one hand. Pacey & Joey (my first OTP), Chandler & Monica and Malex. I'd say Destiel on Supernatural too but with them, everything is subtext. I don't think the writers will have the guts to go there, not even with the show ending.

With PJ, I love how they started as antagonists, became really great friends, and then fell in love. For me, PJ vs DJ was incomparable. DJ brought out the worst in each other (my opinion) while PJ showed each other what love was supposed to be. The only thing I hated about DC was the constant back & forth between the two pairings. It lasted until the final moment when you realized PJ was endgame (one of my fears for Malex). I hated that but I was a kid so it didn't bother me as much as it would now.

I loved Chandler & Monica because they started out as friends who fell in love, got married and had all the moments in between before adopting a set of twins. I loved their story because it showed their entire journey. True, the show was a comedy but their story didn't end in season 5 when they started dating. Their story just began.

It's hard understanding writers who feel that only the journey matters. Of course it does. The journey is important. It's what makes you root for a couple but the destination and what happens after is important too. It makes you continue rooting for them, seeing all that angst and pain amounting to something substantial in the end.

So as much as I loved PJ, the fact that they kept us guessing until the last 5 minutes before we realized who she chose was too much. The long, drawn out, multi-season, will they/won't they storytelling style is one I'll never be a fan of.

Which leads me to Malex.

They were two broken boys, both brought up under horrible circumstances, who found the missing piece of themselves in each other. When Alex gave Michael a warm and safe place to stay, it was probably the first act of true kindness Michael had ever experienced and it was made by a boy whose pain and suffering mirrored his own. How incredibly heartbreaking but beautiful is that? That initial bond, that "cosmic" connection stood the test of time. Separated for 10 years and it felt like no time had passed at all.

That first moment in the pilot episode outside his Airstream, you could feel the tension. I remember reading interpretations of that scene. People thought Malex were cold and angry with one another "probably over a girl". Are you kidding me? That tension could only be romantic. But that first kiss at the reunion was when I hopped on the Malex Forever train. One stop only. Endgame.

They set them up so amazingly in the first three episodes. The angst was there but you could also feel the deep love between them. They weren't shown as two guys who had a fling back in high school and then crossed paths again 10 years later, said what the hell and hooked up again. No, they were shown as soulmates. Their level of connection even scared and confused them but they both knew it existed. Their love was pure and true and rare.

With all their history and with so many odds already stacked against them, the writers deciding to throw in a triangle just because they could and doing it in such a rushed and messy way really made me scratch my head.

Carina said she loved the triangle on DC. I honestly think she was the only one. That show was incredibly divided, DJ vs PJ. But as much as I hated the constant back and forth, I'll give the DC writers some credit. Joey's feelings for both were fully touched on. I saw her romantic feelings for Pacey more profound and her feelings for Dawson as true friendship (just my opinion), but both sides were shown in depth.

The problem with Roswell? Where did those feelings come from between M&M? They shared a moment when Maria cried and I took that as the start of a wonderful friendship. I was obviously wrong. They hooked up in the desert. OK I hated it but they were two single people and Maria didn't know about Alex so I accepted. All of a sudden, the feelings were real and Maria was conflicted because of how strong her feelings were. Michael chose to be with Maria because he needed something fresh and new and according to the wonderful Vlamis, someone he also had strong feelings for (still hate that last interview LOL).

I understand where Michael was coming from a little better, as much as I hate it and hate how he went about it by leaving Alex just waiting. He'd been through so much trauma and Max and Isobel kept telling him to stop looking to the past (which, really Max? If someone told you that about Liz, would you listen?? But he died so he gets a pass). But as far as Maria's feelings are concerned, I feel like I missed something.

Between episodes 9 and 10, did the M&M feelings bloom overnight from flirty banter to crush to "OMG this is love"? Was their moment in the desert that mind-blowing that the weirdness of episode 11 happened? I don't get it.

The one thing going against M&M is that Malex is overwhelmingly loved and has been embraced by fans and critics alike.

One critic said it best when they reviewed the finale (Vulture).

"I was intrigued by the possibility of Michael/Maria at first, but the love triangle has been so rushed — with so little time spent on Maria’s developing feelings for Michael — that it’s ended up just making her look terrible. We know from Maria’s conversation with Liz that she hasn’t even spoken to Alex about the situation because she feels too guilty, and so having her accept Michael with open arms is such an odd note. Sure, she doesn’t know Alex is waiting for Michael right at the same moment, but she does know that he’s been in love with Michael for a decade."

And therein lies the problem. A lifelong friendship ruined over a guy (unless Carina makes Alex give his blessing next season which would really make me scream) to push forward a pairing that had little development and makes Maria look bad. One side of the triangle is Michael's soulmate and the other side is the friend with sudden feelings. Not the best character development which is sad because we know how awesome Maria can be and as mad as I am with her, her character that I enjoyed until episode 10 and the actress deserve better. But instead of being original, the writers chose the path always taken. They chose to use her as the odd end of a triangle where, unless they want everyone to hate the show, she will likely be the one forced out so Malex can eventually reunite and for what? Drama?

Season 1 started out really strong and it still had a lot of strong moments in the latter episodes (end scene of episode 9 between Malex, Liz & Jenna being kickass in episode 11, all of episode 12 - my fave of the season, Kyle's confrontation with Jesse etc).

But honestly, I feel like the inclusion of this triangle (amongst other reveals like Noah as the 4th alien) somewhat brought the story down. The writing for M&M felt OOC and was messily done.

Only in recent years have LGBT pairings started becoming more mainstream, given better development and importance in the overall story. With Malex, they have the potential of making Michael and Alex one of the greatest love stories on TV. As much as I love the show, I'm not saying Roswell is on the same level as Breaking Bad or The Sopranos etc. But from all the pairings on the show, Malex is the most profound and has the potential to go down as one of the best on TV. To overcome everything they've been through and still choose each other and their love would be the ultimate happy ending because unlike most male/female pairings that go through mostly regular angst, being two males in a small town, Malex have a whole other level of obstacles to face. That doesn't even include their personal history, the fact that Michael is an alien or that Alex's father is the cause of so much pain between them. Or the fact that Alex is a disabled war veteran. I mean, there is so much amazing points to their story. They are the OTP of OTPs.

But so far, it feels like the triangle is the only major roadblock the writers want to concentrate on and that's the biggest mistake of all.

Season 2 hasn't aired yet. We don't know how little (🤞) or how long (😢) M&M will last. We'll just have to wait and see how it goes and hope that Twitter Carina is not the same as Season 2 showrunner Carina.

But for me, Malex will always be each other's endgame. That's what I saw in the first 3 episodes. That's what I saw in the flashbacks. That's what I saw in Caulfield. Try and convince me differently, show. You'll fail.

❤

[mldrgrl]

In Another Life 7/7

by: mldrgrl Rating: PG-13 (at the most) Summary: See Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6

On Monday, Mulder went to work with a bucket of cleaning supplies and starting clearing and somewhat organizing the files in the basement.  The storage room was actually fairly large, and once he’d sorted some things out, moved boxes, and got rid of a lot of excess junk, he had a lot of room to work with.  It took nearly all week, and by the time he was finished, it had started to dawn on him that instead of bringing the files upstairs, he might as well just move his office where the files were.

He got approval from AD Skinner, who looked at him like he was crazy, but still signed off on his requisition for a desk.  The deliverymen thought it had been a mistake and called him several times to confirm the desk was being brought to the basement?  Are you sure?

After he was settled, he was actually pleased with the space.  Sure, it was a basement, but he had a nice skylight and two rooms.  He’d found a few boxes of old equipment which still worked and though someone else found useless, he set it up in the secondary room that had once gated off whatever someone felt was important enough to gate off in storage.  He now had his own slide projector, lightboard, and a large magnifier that clamped onto a table.

What took him the most time, and would continue to take weeks or months, was classifying and cataloging the x-files into something that might be easily referenced.  He’d started out with general categories, but the more he found, the more he’d had to break those into smaller subgenres.  It wasn’t enough to label a pile PARANORMAL, he had to then separate sets of files into HAUNTINGS, POLTERGEISTS, ECTOPLASM, and PSYCHICS.  

The missing persons stack is the one that really bothered him.  There were hundreds of accounts of people just vanishing off the face of the earth.  At least a dozen of these files, eye witnesses reported seeing strange lights in the sky the night someone vanished.  He separated those files into a group he tentatively labeled ALIEN ABDUCTION.

Even though he poured all of his energy into the x-files, every night Mulder went home, he played Scully’s message on his answering machine until he had it memorized.  Sometimes he would pick up his phone and dial part of her number before hanging up.

******

Mulder’s in depth review of his alien abduction and UFO sightings files turned out to be extremely valuable in the first two cases he was assigned as x-files.  The first was investigating reports from a space program employee on possible sabotage of recent launches.  What he found was an astronaut haunted by his previous missions and his belief that an alien entity had possessed him.  The sabotage was his way of protecting other astronauts from suffering the same fate.  Mulder suspected PTSD and ordered him into immediate psychiatric care.

“You believe him?” Skinner asked, when he filed his report.

“It doesn’t matter whether I believe him,” Mulder answered.  “It matters that he believes.”

And that was his philosophy going into his next case.  A man claiming to be a multiple abductee was arrested sneaking into a crash site of a military test flight.  Everything Mulder had read about in his files encompassed this one man, Max Fenig.  He was so thorough in his story that he almost had Mulder convinced it was true.  When Mulder started a deep dive into Fenig’s life, trying to corroborate his account of events, the jittery guy vanished without a trace.  Only this time, it was Mulder who could attest to seeing strange lights in the sky the night Max Fenig disappeared.

“Is this really how you want to spend your time?” Skinner asked.  “Chasing lights in the sky?”

“Sometimes it’s the journey that’s the reward,” Mulder answered.

“Holly has your new file.  No little green men in it, I’m afraid.”

“Grey.”

“Hm?”

“You said green.  A Reticulan’s skin tone is actually grey.  Allegedly due to iron depletion in the Reticulan Galaxy.”

Skinner’s eyes twitched behind his glasses and he started at Mulder.  Mulder gave him a slight smile.

“Makes you wonder what liver and onions goes for on Reticula, doesn’t it, Sir?” Mulder asked.

“Go get your file, Agent Mulder.”

******

Mulder gets two more cases in before everything shuts down for Christmas and New Years.  Both cases bring him back to Quantico, where the halls feel empty to him without Scully there.  He knocks on her door, ‘shave and a haircut,’ but no one answers.  It’s not like he expected to find her there, but his heart still pounded with a nervous, quick-flutter of anticipation.

One of the cases, in addition to forcing him to deal with a childhood fear of fire, also put him in contact with a classmate from Oxford.  He hadn’t known Inspector Phoebe Green very well in school, mostly because she was a year ahead of him and they didn’t travel in the same social circles, but universities are like small worlds, and he certainly knew of her.  She apparently knew of him as well and asked for his assistance on a matter in Boston, where she was acting as security for a British ambassador.  

Inspector Green made no secret of the fact she was interested in Mulder, and let him know she’d had a crush on him in school.  They attempted a date, which consisted of an awkward dinner at his hotel that was interrupted by a fire alarm, and when it turned out she happened to be sleeping with her married boss, amongst a variety of other men, it was just as well that Mulder was too preoccupied with daydreams of Scully to care very much.

On Christmas Eve, Mulder headed to The Headless Woman for a drink before heading home.  The place was packed, something of an agent hangout, and by the looks of it, they all had the same idea.  He tossed one back with a guy he used to work with in VCU and they played a game of catch up.  He showed Mulder a picture of his daughter, told him his wife was expecting next month, which reminded him that he needed to call Samantha.

After parting ways with his old friend, Mulder took a seat at the bar to finish his beer and order one more.  He caught AD Skinner’s eye when he sat down, and his boss nodded and then approached, taking the seat next to Mulder.

“Sir,” Mulder said.  “Happy holidays.”

“You as well, Agent.”

“Can I buy you one?”

“It’s on me, actually.”  Skinner flashed two fingers at the bartender.

“Thanks.”

“I’m glad I caught you in here, actually.  I just spoke to the British Ambassador regarding your arsonist case.”

“Did the Marsden’s get back to England alright?”

“As far as I know.  They’re requesting we extradite L’Ively to stand trial in England.”

“We’d only have him for attempted murder here.  They can pin six murders on him back in jolly old England.”

“Attempted murder of a federal agent.”

“The burns are minor.”  Mulder shrugged and took a sip of his fresh beer.

“According to Inspector Green, you ran into a burning house.”

“There were kids upstairs.”

“You need to think about getting a partner, Agent Mulder.”

“There’s only one person that qualifies, Sir, and she’s unavailable.”

“You’re referring to Agent Scully, I take it?”

“I am.”

“I see.”

“And in the interim?  Should I let you get yourself killed?”

“Like I said, the burns are minor.”

“Luck runs out eventually.  You need someone to watch your back.”

“I know.  But, I happen to think she’s worth waiting for.”

“If you don’t get yourself killed in the meantime.  Do you even know if she would want to take this on?  She’s a pathologist, not a field agent.”

“Something tells me she would.”

Skinner sighed and downed a generous swig of his beer.  He pushed off the barstool and opened his wallet, taking out a few bills and tossing them onto the bartop.  He looked like he wanted to say more, but he put his wallet away and rested his hand on Mulder’s shoulder for a moment.

“I need to get home to my wife,” he said.  “Enjoy the holidays.”

“I didn’t know you were married.”

“20 years.”

“Happy holidays to you and your wife.”

“See you in the new year, Agent.”

******

Mulder’s favorite piece of equipment, by far, was his slide projector.  He liked standing in front of magnified images in the half-dark, focusing on details might normally be lost to the naked eye.  It helped him put information together and visual a crime scene better.  And it was just fun to click through each image.  He even enjoyed the click and shuffle sound the projector made when he changed slides.

It was just after New Years and he was sorting his slides on his lightboard, numbering and marking them to drop into the carrel.  There was a knock on his door, which was unusual.  Someone must be lost, he thought.

“Nobody down here but the FBI’s most unwanted,” he called, without even looking up from his slides.

He was sure whoever it was on the other side would go away, but the door opened, and he heard the tap of high heels approach.  He looked up and felt his cheeks burn with the pull of a suppressed grin.

“You lost?” he asked.

“No,” Scully answered.  “I’ve been assigned to work with you.”

“Who did you tick off to get stuck with this detail, Scully?”

“Actually, I’m looking forward to it.”

“Well, isn’t it nice to suddenly be so highly regarded.”

“I’ve always regarded you highly, Agent Mulder.”

“Likewise, Scully.”  He didn’t stop the smile from spreading this time.

A moment passed where they gazed at one another in silence and then Scully turned her head slightly to inspect the room.  She walked it slowly, touching his equipment with her fingertips, leaning closer to get a better look at the photos he’d tacked to a corkboard.  She looked up at the skylight and then turned back around to face him.

“Well, I’d say you moved up in the world,” she said.  “But, that’s not really the case.”

“It’s still the nicest office I’ve ever had.”

“It’s a little small.”

“Well, don’t worry, I’m sure we can squeeze another desk down here, maybe put them face to face and we can play a nice game of Battleship.”

Scully chuckled.  She looked past his shoulder at the poster behind his desk and moved closer to it.  It was of a blurry UFO in flight with the words I WANT TO BELIEVE underneath.

“That’s interesting,” she said.

“I found it in a head shop on Avenue M,” he answered.  “Seemed appropriate for the new digs.”

“I like it.”

He had a million questions for her.  How was she?  What had she been doing the past two months?  Did she really want this job?  Was she still with Daniel?  Did everyone eat the pumpkin pie after he’d stormed out?  She turned away from him like she knew what he was thinking and inspected the second cork board next to his poster.

“You know,” he said.  “I was told I’d have final say on who they assigned down here.”

“Would you like to see my resume?” she murmured, fingering the corner of the Jersey devil tacked to the lower left side of the board.

“How about a test?”

“I was always pretty good at pop quizzes.”

“I bet you were,” he answered, loading the carrel on top of the projector.  “Could you kill the lights?”

Scully crossed in front of the light of the projector, creating a silhouette of herself on the screen.  When the room was dark, Mulder dropped the first slide.  It was a photo of a young girl.  He clicked his remote to move to the next slide, a photo of a young man.

“Elizabeth Hawley and James Summers,” he said.  “Both 19.  Two days ago, they were reported missing from Jackson University.  One year ago, another couple went missing from Duke University.  One week later, they found the bodies of both students.”

As he spoke, he shuffled through a few more slides from the Duke University murders.  Photos of the bodies, the crime scene, a newspaper headline.

“The Duke kids were kept alive,” he continued.  “Tortured throughout their seven day ordeal, before they were killed.”

“You think we’re looking for a serial killer or a copycat?” she asked.

“No arrests were ever made.  Police believed it to be a one-time offender at the time.  It now appears it may be a serial.”

“If he holds true to form, that only gives us five days to find these students.”

“Pretty grim deadline.”

“I’ll say.”

“Well, here’s another grim deadline.”  Mulder handed Scully a file before he clicked to another photo of a death row inmate.  “In one week, Luther Lee Boggs will take a seat in the North Carolina gas chamber.”

Scully looked up briefly at the slide and then perused the file in her hand in the light from the projector.  Her head was bent over and the spotlight caught her cheek in a way that made her look ethereal.  Mulder swallowed, losing his train of thought.

“How is he related?” Scully finally asked, lifting her head.

“Uh, he claims to have information relating to the kidnapping,” Mulder said, touching his wrist.  “He described Hawley's bracelet down to the last detail, information that only family members could have known.”

“I don’t understand.  Is he the killer?”

“Not likely.  He’s been in prison for the last seven years.  My profile actually put him there.”

“Maybe he’s orchestrating the killings from the inside.”

“He claims to have obtained this information through psychic transmission.”

“Psychic transmission?”  Scully closed the file in her hands and crossed her arms.  She raised her brows at Mulder in the habit he’d grown accustomed to.

“Do I detect a hint of skepticism?”

“No, I can’t imagine why you’d think that.”

“If it’s any consolation, I don’t believe it either.”

“Really?”

Mulder shrugged.  “Boggs has been in the chamber before. He was actually strapped to the chair before receiving an executive stay.  He claims that this experience activated in him the ability to channel spirits and demons.”

“That’s what you don’t believe.”

“There are scores of x-files on psychic ability.  I have to believe there’s some truth there, even if it can’t be proved.  But, not in this case.  Not Boggs.”

“And I take it you’ve read all those files.”

“I did.”  Mulder waved his hand towards the filing cabinets in the shadows behind him.  “They’re all there, in alphabetical order if you want to take a look.”

“That might prove helpful.  So, if you believe in the phenomenon, why not Boggs?”

Mulder raised his finger and brushed past Scully to turn the lights back on.  He took the file she’d closed from under her arm and flipped the pages until he found the one he wanted.  He folded the page back and gave the file back to Scully.

“At the age of six, Luther Boggs slaughtered every pet animal in his housing project,” she read out loud.  “When he was 30, he strangled five family members over Thanksgiving dinner and then sat down to watch the fourth quarter of the Detroit-Green Bay game.  Some killers are projects of society.  Some act out past abuses.  Boggs kills because he likes it.  This is from your profile?”

“It is.  Boggs has read it and he believes I'm the only one who truly understands what he is.  Anyway, I leave for Raleigh this afternoon.  But...”

“But?”

“I only put in a travel req for one ticket.  We’ll have to grab another TRA.”

“Do I have the job then?”

“You have the job.”

Scully smiled a little and looked down at her feet for a moment.  “I should tell you, so you’re aware, I left Daniel.  I’ve filed for divorce.”

Mulder opened his mouth, but hesitated to say anything.  He was glad, but he couldn’t tell her that.  “I’m sorry, Scully.”

“I’m not.”  She looked up at him and gave a swift shake of her head.  “It needed to be done.”

“Still though.”

She stared up at him with a passive smile.  Her eyes held his and he found it impossible to look away.  The air between them felt thick.  He wished the lights were still off so he could see her in the glow of the projector again.  He wondered if her cheek was as soft as it looked and he reached up to touch it.

“I am sorry,” he said, softly.  

“And I’m not,” she said again, reaching up to put her hand over Mulder’s.

“I told myself it would be enough to just see you again, to work with you, and nothing more.”

“You tend to believe some pretty fantastic things.”

“This is probably the only time I’ll ever say this, but I hope you prove me wrong.”

“I think I’ll make proving you wrong a part of my job description.”

“I don’t want to be a rebound for you, Scully.  So, whatever time you need, whatever space-”

“If you need time and space, Mulder, that’s alright with me, but I don’t.  I didn’t leave Daniel for you, I left him for me.  You were right.  It’s something that I needed to do.  And what I want now is to be with someone who likes who I am.”

“Oh, I definitely like who you are.  A lot.  A lot, a lot, a lot.”

She smiled and pressed her cheek a little more firmly into his hand.  He pressed his lips together and swallowed.  He wanted to kiss her, but she had a way of throwing his confidence off-kilter.  It probably wasn’t the time or place, either.  They were at work, they had a case to solve.  They had to be able to focus and if his lips were introduced to hers, he knew he wouldn’t be able to think.

“I guess we better get to the airport,” he said.

“I guess so.”

He nodded and started to pull his hand away.

“There is just one more thing though,” she said, reaching up to curl her hand over the back of his neck.  She pulled his head down and tipped her face up to press her lips to his.  Their mouths moved open to each other at the same time, no coaxing or hesitation.  Both her arms went around his neck and his around her back.  She had to arch and he had to bend so that their bodies pressed flush against each other.

For however long it lasted, too long and not long enough, Mulder felt the whimper she gave vibrate from her chest to his.  It made him gasp and their mouths broke apart, but they stayed locked together, her forehead pressed to his cheek and her breath on his jaw.

“Sorry if that was unprofessional,” she breathed.  “But, I had to.”

“I won’t be filing a complaint with HR any time soon.”

They both took a few more moments to breathe and then relaxed their holds on each other in increments.  Scully finally stepped back and immediately he felt the loss of her.  She ran her finger along the bottom of her lip where her lipstick had smudged, which he knew she’d have to fix before they left, but he also kind of didn’t want her to.  And then she was reaching up and rubbing her thumb against the corner of his mouth and he couldn’t keep the stupid grin off his face.

“Do you think Blevins had this in mind when he assigned you down here?” he asked.

“Blevins didn’t assign me, AD Skinner did.”

“Skinner?”

“He called me yesterday.  Asked me to meet with him when I returned from my leave.”

“If you need more time.”

“I do not need more time.  I had to get some things sorted out, but I am back where I want to be.”

“It isn’t pathology.”

“My place is here with you now.  On the x-files.  Where I choose to be.”

“Raleigh, then?”

“After you.”

“Got your Dramamine?”

“I think I’ll be okay.”

“I should call the airline.  Ask them if they can book us seats together.”

“If they can’t, I’ll just ask the person in the middle to switch.  I’ll tell them I need to sit with my partner.”

“Wait.”  Mulder stopped just before they went through the door and went back to his filing cabinet.  He searched for a file labeled DC-X-167512 - VISIONARY ENCOUNTERS WITH THE DEAD and took it out, along with a few files behind it.  He gave them to Scully.  “Some light reading for the plane.”

“This is going to be a hell of an adventure.”

“Sometimes the journey is the reward, so some wise woman once said.”

“Sounds like you know a lot of wise women.”

“I guess I’m just pretty damn lucky in this life.”

“Come on, Mulder.  Take me to Raleigh.”

The End

[fweeble]

Episode 6: My Lost City

Buckle up, and more importantly, arm yourself with tissue boxes, we’re gonna need it.

Pfffft. Max, when will you ever learn the rest of the lines? (Not that I know them, either.)

*swoons into Mappa’s waiting arms* Gorgeous.

Oh, my heart, look at these cuties sleeping. Shorter, cover your tummy, you’ll get a tummy ache. Q vQ

*cries over how precious these two are* Bless this tiny extra scene.

*blows kisses at Mappa*

I LOVE THIS TINY ADDITION. OF COURSE IBE WOULD TAKE PICTURES. I WISH THEY HAD EIJI TAKING PICTURES TOO.

*swoons even more* Mappa, please, you’re killing me.

*cries some more* I have always loved how gentle Ash is with Jennifer.

Jimmy my dude, why’d ya gotta act like this???? >:T

WOW, this is so tame compared to the mango like. Woah.

This had hurt so much, because we know that Max is a father. He has a son, Michael, that he was trying to fight for custody for, but was convinced that giving up was what was best for his son. Imagine being a father who desperately misses their son, who wants to be in their son’s life, and watching another man treat his son like trash. MY HEART. MAX.

Oh god, Ash’s expression. It hurts so much more than it did before. Mappa, why you gotta do this to meeee. I have a soft, squishy little baby girl heart and it bleeds easily.

Totally my bad: They changed the order. JIMMY WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THIS.

*dying hippo noises* IT STILL KILLS ME. FUCK.

*CRIES*

Jennifer is way too good for you, Jim.

*whispers* It’s so gorgeous.

Ash, please. 8′(

I wish Shorter didn’t have his sunglasses on. I want to see his face. Is he super-imposing Nadia onto Griff in this story. We don’t know anything about Shorter’s past. Did Nadia raise him? I HAVE FEELINGS.

Jennifer. Q AQ <3

*cries* I know. I agree with you entirely, Ash. Oof, I love how gentle he is with her. My heart. Look at that face. Let me pretend the one thing he missed about Cape Cod was Jennifer. Let me pretend she had more influence and was able to help Ash and Griff in little ways. Let me pretend Jennifer is stronger than she probably is. 

My heart.

Ash, why you always gotta be like this, twisting the knives in wounds and pouring salt all over them. It’s not like Max wants to see your painful past, it’s just that y’all need to suffer through it to get what you want --the truth about Banana Fish.

Thank you Mappa for adding this scene! I’m constantly so worried you’ll cut out all the light-hearted bits in exchange for pure drama. Q vQ

My heart. Eiji, your precious face. Q vQ

MAPPA STOP PLAYING WITH MY HEART LIKE A STRESS BALL. It grows two sizes at the sight of Eiji’s adorable face and then is crushed by Ash’s pained one. *clutches chest*

WOW YOU ARE SO RUDE MAPPA. SURE, JUST KEEP ADDING NEW PUNCHES TO THE HEART. NOT LIKE I NEED ONE. NOPE.

*whispers* My secret favorite thing is how close Shorter and Eiji have been. I have protective feelings about these two and Shorter has protective feelings for Eiji.

Sure is him. Is it just me or do they all have surprisingly long hair for military people.

Aaaaand Ash brings out a smart phone. Soogle...Soosle? This is... attempt... #5 for cells trying to save the day. (So far, they never have.)

*strangled noises*

Oh Ibe, you’re so soft with Eiji. You still have the mafia after you guys, you should be yoinking Eiji and heading for the nearest international airport. 

Also... y’all aren’t gonna discuss your Visa difficulties?

Trust me, Ash. They all do. Q vQ

Ash, please. Griff would be their age.

Oh gosh, look at their faces. ‘What exactly set him off this time?’ ‘I dunno. It’s like a horse suddenly raging. Maybe a fly flew into his ear.’

Shhhhh, he’s just young. And cranky.

*strangled sobbing*

Excuse me as I interrupt this weekly Nanner Fish Liveblog to cry about the scenery in the next few seconds of footage:

You are such a liar, Ash. You have very particular feelings towards your home.

*cries more at sleeping cuties*

Ash... this feels like such a waste? Someone spent a lot of time brewing that! Couldn’t you have filled empty ones with water??

*cries more at the sky* Clearly what is gonna make me die of dehydration this episode isn’t what I thought it was gonna be. It’s gonna be the backgrounds. 

Eiji... I know nothing about shooting but that looks super precarious. Your center of gravity looks... yeah. Ash looks so judgmental. Q vQ

Alright, Annie Oakley. You missed a shot too. 

Oh, Ibe. Subtly trying to get Eiji away. 

Not subtle enough, though.

*cries both over the words and the detail put into the sky and the sea*

I’ve always found this surprisingly profound, especially since my mother, a naturalized US citizen, has similar opinions about parents in Taiwan coddling their children. (Taiwan has the same age of majority as Japan, 20 years old.)

And Japan’s crime rate is also a lot lower. But Ash is right, Ibe, you aren’t in Japan and you have very dangerous people with very dangerous guns after you all.

Bless their attention to detail. Lookit the truck!

I love how they have Max fixing the truck! Instead of it getting magically fixed, we get a new tidbit about Max! I wonder if he learned this while serving.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeell...

When Max is the voice of reason, listen.

Yeeees! It’s finally here! Please forgive me as I spam gyazo and take a hundred pictures because I’ve been waiting for this!

*strangled dying manatee noises*

(Shorter, are you trying to steal Ash’s sandwich while you still have yours.)

(Look at that hand. You totally were, weren’t you. You glutton.)

(Oh, my tiny Grinch heart. Look at this smile. It just grew fifteen sizes.)

(*cries forever* Protecting Eiji is like preserving a vision of himself he could never attain. Putting Eiji on a pedestal and keeping him safe and clean and pure, because he wishes he was Eiji. Excuse me as I have painful flashbacks to Tsuki no Ko and Tirt’s love for Seth.)

BLESS THEM. MY HEART. THEY KEPT THESE LINES.

*sings softly* “I will whisper my name to you: Antonio Salieri: patron saint of mediocrities.”

So you’re keeping this bit but not the Visa part? At least Ibe is keeping some of his old manipulative tendencies when it comes to Eiji.

(”It’s the only way to keep that child safe.” Anyone’s Japanese better than mine who can confirm this is indeed Ibe continuing to view Eiji as a child that needs to be sheltered and not just a cultural barrier?)

And straight back into the coddling, right after the profound revelation.

Jimmy, please. 

Tear him a new one, Eiji!

My heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeart. These two lines. Leave to me to die in this small sea of salt and tears.

Something I will always miss is the loss of Eiji’s poor English. Q vQ

Oh boy, get your tissues ready. It’s here.

(Afghanistan is replacing Korea, huh.)

(*dying manatee noises* Someone, save this poor child.)

(FUCK THESE OFFICERS WITH A CIRCULAR SAW. HOW DARE THEY. TO A CHILD. AN ABUSED CHILD. FUCK THEM.)

(*CRIES*)

(Let me spirit him away to a kinder, gentler world. Like GSNK. Or Kimi to Boku where it’s just boys sorting out their feelings.)

(I WILL NEVER FUCKING UNDERSTAND YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS FOR THIS BUT AT LEAST IT FUCKING SAVED ASH. AT LEAST IT SAVED ASH.)

(HE WITHOUT A DOUBT DESERVED WORSE.)

(THIS SICK BASTARD. CMLKDSMFLDSF.)

(I also super hate the way it’s presented in the anime, so take this small manga panel:

LIKE YES, IT MAKES SENSE, WANTING TO PROTECT YOUR SON FROM THE VICIOUS WORDS PEOPLE SAY SO YOU’D SEND HIM TO HIS AUNT’S...

BUT THAT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT EXPLAIN OR EXCUSE THE SHIT YOU SLING AT HIM NOW, JIM. MY DUDE, YOU HAVE ALREADY LOST ONE SON. TRY TO SAVE WHAT RELATIONSHIP YOU CAN HAVE WITH YOUR LAST ONE.

Shorter. Shorter. He didn’t want anyone to know. He didn’t want anyone to ever know.

*dying manatee noises* Eiji... *strangled noises about leopards and mountains*

Jennifer, you beautiful soul. Why are you with this mess.

No, you listen to Jennifer!

Fuck.

No, Shorter. This is where he’s from. New York is his home.

Yes, good. Thank god.

You’re searching for Ash in the dark. Please take off your shades, Shorter.

Or not.

Shorter, you’re wearing so much more than you were originally in the manga. Q vQ

Look at that. Gorgeous even in the dark. *blows kisses at Mappa*

Good instinct!

Baaaaaaaaaaaad instinct. So bad.

Eiji, no.

He’s got his back pressed against the wall.

Dammit.

Listen to Shorter, Eiji.

They sure fucking did.

It’s so awful that they somehow managed to make this situation even marginally better.

They had ripped off her top in the manga.

It’s entirely possible they did worse. She doesn’t even have her shoes on. D8

Fuck you. Leave Jennifer alone.

*sweats nervously but also blows kisses at Mappa because hnnng I love the way they deal with lighting, lookit the soft glow of the porch lights*

Max has a plan. I love it when Max has plans. Brilliance or hilarity ensues.

JIM’S FACE. Either he just realized his son still loves him or he’s fucking terrified that his son is now in immediate danger. (I think it’s both.)

Oh, Jennifer. You deserve none of this. None of it. Protect her.

Brilliance. That’s what happens today. Brilliance.

FUCKING LISTEN TO SHORTER EIJI.

THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE BECAUSE IN THE MANGA I THOUGHT SHE TRIED TO COVER HIM. BUT THAT ACTUALLY DOESN’T MAKE SENSE SINCE THESE ASSHOLES MAKE IT CLEAR THEY AREN’T TO KILL ASH.

THEY SHOT HER TO MAKE A FUCKING POINT.

JENNIFER.

ASH’S FACE. Nope, this is fine. I was born from water, let me return to the salty depths. 

THERE WAS NO ONE WORD YOU COULD’VE SAID THAT WOULD’VE MADE THIS FUCKING HURT MORE, ASH. *drowns in own tears of feelings*

Don’t fucking see why you’re smiling, asshole.

There, Shorter’s fixed it.

EIJI WHY ARE YOU HERE. SHORTER TOLD YOU TO STAY THERE.

*STRANGLED SOBBING*

YOU SHOULD’VE TREATED HER LIKE A GODDESS, JIM. YOUR LAST WORDS TO HER SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN THOSE A GIANT TANTRUM THROWING CHILD’S.

Ash’s expressions are going to fucking murder me. 

Sir, why don’t you have a cell phone???? Why aren’t you questioning why none of these people haven’t called yet???? (Well, to be fair, this is a panic situation...)

*sobbing* A father’s love.

And a son’s.

MY HEART. *cries* Why couldn’t you have both talked like this from the beginning?????????????????? JIM, YOU GIANT BABY.

Excuse me. I just need to... cry. Lots.

ASH AND HIS FACE. TELL THE POLICE. THEY ARE THE CULPRITS. MY MURDER.

*whispers* You should’ve kept this line to help explain the robbery. And help fund them in LA.

*weeps*

FUCKING DINO.

SO GORGEOUS. I AM SO UPSET.

HALF-TRUTH. ALSO, PLOOOOOOT.

LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

FUCKING NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

LEEEEEEEE. FUCK YOOOOOU.

Chinatowns are everywhere. |||orz

Fuuuuuuck. Yut Lung is here.

Shorter, please. Beggars can’t be choosers. (Or, those on the run from the Coriscan Mafia can’t whine when they at least have working transportation.)

*whispers softly to Mappa* Chicago, dearests, not Cicago.

Guess they’re cutting out one of the best scenes if this guy’s already here.

*blows kisses at Mappa* Gorgeous.

Still... where in LA are they supposed to be? I think that’s supposed to be downtown, but I don’t remember any forest-y areas around downtown. (Says someone who may live in LA county but rarely goes west towards downtown. Maybe there are. I tend to go east. :V)

The Great Shorter And Ash Chicken Raid. 

You will not be forgotten.

Oof. Stay hydrated, guys! I’m kinda emotionally drained, so I’m off now. |||orz

<<Episode 5                                     Masterlist                                     Episode 7>>

[wack-ashimself]

One of the most fucked up things I ever saw...

Trigger warning!

SERIOUSLY. I am writing this almost ENTIRELY so you avoid these things.

Okay. So when I was a stupid kid, at....16 (maybe 18), I was allowed from the local video store to rent a video in part of a series called 'faces of death.' It was rated X. NOT for nudity. For showing REAL LIFE DEATH SHIT.

Me and my stupid friend decided we were tough ass, bad boys, and we could take it.

We could not take it.

We got maybe....12-18 minutes into it, max. Then we stopped, and genuinely never really talked about it, except to joke how stupid we were.

At first, most of it was "I have seen worse' stuff....

Then, pics of a bloody kid's bike who was ran over by a big truck...

THEN (and I believe this is now online, cuz we are a fucked up species)...

(Winging remembering the specifics): A guy in the 1980s (could tell by camera quality and atmosphere), at I believe some bank function (maybe for him?) makes an announcement, camera is all on him...

He pulls out a huge gun, pops it in his mouth, and fires.

Me and my friend thought it had to be fake.

But unlike EVERY fake violent thing I ever saw, the way the blood shot out the nose like a waterfall, and he fell back...no hollywood magic (at that time) could pull that off.

Also...the screams. I have only heard 'screams in pure terror' maybe...a handful of times (mostly when someone finds out their loved one is dead out of nowhere). But you can NOT fake that.

ANYWAYS, that's kinda the worst of it, but not all...

So a bit ago, I asked for psychedelic movies. And I made a list of all the top lists, and kept track of ones that popped up more than not across them all.

The Holy Mountain was one of them.

This movie is not only weird as fuck (ONE of the weirdest EVER. 10/10 weird level. I can't make sense of most of it. When I finish, I am going to have to read a book to understand this), it's SUPER SUPER fucked up.

In order.

3-Risky. Like, to get many of the shots they risked life and limb. Of everyone. Cast and crew alike. Of humans and...

2-HOLY FUCKING HELL, ANIMAL CRUELTY! I have never seen so much blatant animal cruelty in a movie that I can ever name. They buried fucking horses. They exploded frogs and lizards. They submerged a bird in mud! I am all for art, but there is a line like...

1-Child nudity! I had to look when this came out. 1973. There is so much kid penis, I do not think I could genuinely get more uncomfortable. I know in other countries, nudity is a norm, but when it's not a norm for you, ya know? And they had (I think) young girl prostitutes, and one was like an ....8 year old (and the older ones were wearing see thru tops)....

I just...it takes a LOT to make me uncomfortable, but this hit every single possible no no in my book.

I can say this without a doubt:

The Holy Mountain is not for the weak spirited or stomached (sexual violence to they tear apart jesus, over and over again), and especially I would

NEVER EVER EVER EVER watch The Holy Mountain on psychedelics.

Holy shit. I have never had a bad trip from watching something (tho under the skin got QUITE close. That movie FUCKS with your head), but if you watched this movie, with all the violence and weird sex and nudity*, while on psychedelics...I don't think you'd come back. Seriously. This movie is....spiritually challenging. But not in any kind of tasteful way. It just seems to try to offend everyone over everything, so no one leaves happy. lol

'A movie for all to hate.' lol

Cuz there are cool, trippy effects, themes, and scenes, but the shock value, to me, FOR the shock value you wasn't worth the pay off.

*I forgot till I didn't forget...when I wanted to forget. They do an IN DEPTH shot of a man getting his anus THOROUGHLY cleaned. Why? Jesus. Cuz that's like the central theme-thief jesus becoming real jesus. Or something. I don't fucking know...I can't name a movie that made less sense...

[doomedandstoned]

Conan Share Earth-Shaking Set at The Live Room in Belfast (plus Interview!)

~Doomed & Stoned Debuts~

Doomed & Stoned is proud to partner with CONAN and The Live Room Belfast to share this striking live studio performance of the band playing three of their standards: "Total Conquest," "Satsumo," and "Gravity Chasm." This comes just weeks ahead of Conan's new album, 'Existential Void Guardian' (2018), releasing September 14th on Napalm Records.

Start Together Studio recently launched The Live Room Belfast to invite touring bands in for special recordings, usually between 3-5 songs, as a way to capture the intimacy of a live studio performance. This set was recorded, mixed, and edited by Niall Doran, with help from Assistant Audio Engineer Paddy McEldowney, and filmed by Ciara McMullan. The team did a fantastic job of capturing the massive weight of the Liverpool trio's legendary riffs and especially the fearsome caveman vocals of frontman Jon Davis.

This all took place on May 16th, the morning before Conan took the stage with Monolord and Elder Druid at Voodoo Belfast for an unforgettable show. Jon also sat down with Elder Druid guitarist Jake Wallace (who organized our recent Doomed & Stoned in Ireland compilation) for an in-depth interview.

And now, it's time for Jon Davis (guitar/vox), Chris Fielding (bass), and Johnny King (drums) do their thing! Enjoy...

Conan On Tour

10.08.18 PT - Moledo / Sonic Blast Moledo Fest 11.08.18 UK - Winchester / Boomtown Fair 16.08.18 IR - Galway / The Loft 17.08.18 IR - Cork / Cyprus Avenue 18.08.18 IR - Limerick / Dolans Warehouse 30.09.18 UK - Sheffield / O2 Academy 02.10.18 NL - Eindhoven / Effenaar 03.10.18 DE - Bochum / Rockpalast 04.10.18 DE - Hamburg / Logo 05.10.18 DE - Berlin / Musik & Frieden 06.10.18 PL - Wroclaw / Firlej 07.10.18 PL - Warsaw / Poglos 09.10.18 LT - Vilnius / Rock River Club 10.10.18 LV - Jelgava / Melno Cepuriso Balerija 11.10.18 EE - Tallinn / Sveta 13.10.18 FI - Helsinki / Blow Up 4 Festival 15.10.18 SE - Stockholm / Kraken 17.10.18 SE - Malmo / Plan B 19.10.18 DK - Copenhagen / Stengade 20.10.18 NL - Leeuwarden / Into The Void Festival 07.11.18 AU - Canberra / The Basement 08.11.18 AU - Melbourne / Max Watts 09.11.18 AU - Sydney / Manning Bar 10.11.18 AU - Brisbane / Crowbar 12.11.18 NZ - Wellington / Valhalla 13.11.18 NZ - Auckland / Whammy Bar 16.11.18 RU - Moscow / Aglomerat 17.11.18 RU - St. Petersburg / Zoccolo 23.11.18 UK - Nottingham / The Loft 24.11.18 UK - Leeds / Temple Of Boom 25.11.18 UK - Newcastle / Byker Grave Festival 26.11.18 UK - Glasgow / Audio 27.11.18 UK - Manchester / Rebellion 28.11.18 UK - Coventry / The Arches 29.11.18 UK - Cardiff / Clwb Ifor Bach 30.11.18 UK - Milton Keynes / The Craufurd Arms 01.12.18 UK - London / Boston Music Rooms 02.12.18 UK - Oxford / Buried In Smoke X-Mas Weekender

Interview with Jon Davis of Conan

~By Jake Wallace (Elder Druid)~

Recorded May 16, 2018 in The Live Room Belfast

Do you enjoy being on the road so much?

Yeah, we do. We have always tried to tour as much as possible, ever since the very beginning. I remember the first time we played outside of Liverpool with Charger in late 2010, and that was a really big thing, something we were pushing for to try and breakout of Liverpool gigs. We almost immediately started getting opportunities to tour and play, and for a year or so it was just weekends here and there, I really loved that. Then we got the opportunity to go touring around Europe. Of course, that brought its own problem then, because we had to get a van, so we invested a bit of money in an old Ford Transit. And I remember spending nearly £600 on installing a cool sound system in there, so that we could listen to Iron Maiden on the road full blast. Like with speakers right by our heads in the bulkhead.

There's something about being on the road, and everyday just looking forward to playing the music that you've written, and the law of seeing the reaction of people who are listening to your music, that you've written sometimes easily, sometimes songs have come together when they've been difficult to write. I've always found it really rewarding to play music, whether I'm on my own, or whether in the practice room with the lads, or whether onstage. And I remember when I was 16, promising myself I would do this, telling myself that I'm gonna play music cause I saw playing music as a long term thing that I would be in charge of. I never really wanted to work for anyone else, I always wanted to do music, and I remember as a shy and less than confident teenager, thinking this is a path that I can grow, and I really enjoy, something I could do for the rest of my life, hopefully.

When I get too old to lug cabs then I'll just pick up an acoustic, and do something with that. So getting on the road has been something we've loved from day one, and now were touring all over the world. This year already, we've had a US of 5 weeks, we've been to Japan for a week, and we've got more far-flung shows lined up for the end of the year, not announced yet, plus European tours, another UK Tour, and we've got an album out soon. I mean it's just -- we love it. I couldn't do anything else now, if I had to have an office job, I'd probably commit suicide, seriously. (laughs)

What make Monolord the perfect match for this tour, and will you be back in Ireland anytime soon?

I mean, we wanted a band as physically attractive as us, and we've finally done it with Monolord. Seriously though, they are a really cool band, they are really good people to tour with, they're professional, friendly, really interesting people, and they come from a different culture to ours, and we enjoy being on the road with them. We're not sharing a van with them, although we have done, we shared a night liner with them in October last year. And we didn't know what to expect then, as we didn't know them very well on that tour, but we got along really well. They're from a different culture but very similar people, at the same time, at the core of what we all are in a love for music, and they put their money where their mouth is, in terms of that. They also like to tour a lot, they release really great music, and they're a really good live act. So when you are choosing a band to tour with, our booking agent puts forward bands and it was really natural, that us and Monolord tour together. It's cool that we get to this joint headliner, switch headliners every night. Yeah, they're just great. I mean, I don't think we've ever toured with a band that we didn't really like, some more than others, obviously, but they are cool as fuck.

I suppose it's an interesting parallel, between both bands having three members, you get to see how another band performs as a three piece as well every night. Tell us about the origin of the band name, and how you guys have created a genre known as 'Caveman Battle Doom.'

Well, Conan could have been called anything, really, from '70s and '80s science fiction movies. You know, Krull was one idea that I had for a band name, very briefly I thought about that. We were called Elf-Beater for a time in our practice room -- that's obviously an awful name so we were never going to use that one long term. Conan just came to me one day, you know, I was going through some personal stuff and I'd had to move into my parent's for a little while, and I started this band up with an old friend of mine who was a bass player, but he played drums a little bit. So we started and we actually wrote and recorded "Satsuma." We had these songs, and we didn't really have a settled name. We were going to call ourselves Pazuzu for a little while or Demon-Demaro, as like a Bebo page in that name. There's some really old demos if you can search for that.

Initially, I wanted it to be a little bit occult-ish type of stuff, and then quickly I realised the lyrics weren't really going in that direction, and we were more about Sword & Sorcery, Science Fiction, and Mythology. Then I remember sitting there one day just kind of thinking, "What do I for a band name?" and then it just came to me. And it stuck, there wasn't really any other bands, well there was an Argentina metal band called Conan, but I think they had expired in the '80s, so there was nothing, no current bands within our scene, with that name, or anything close to it, so we grabbed it with both hands.

How did the name 'Caveman Battle Doom' come about?

The very first show that Conan did in Liverpool was with friends of ours, John McNulty and Gemma McNulty. They weren't married then but they are now, and they're really close of mine, and the band, they recorded at our studio. But they put us on our first ever show, when it was just me and Paul O'Neil, a two piece, and on the poster for that show, I think it said "primitive battle doom," "caveman battle doom," or "caveman doom." The label we were on, fast forward a couple of months, we recorded Horseback Battle Hammer and we released stuff on CD with Aurora-Borealis Records. They used that phrase as part of their sales pitch, on the website, taking it from that first ever poster, and then we thought we’d put that on a t-shirt because it looks cool and it sounds cool and those t-shirts just sold like hot cakes. So we thought, that's a cool name to make a joke about. Obviously, we haven't created our own genre; it would be awesome if we did cause we'd obviously make loads of money then, but it's just a bit of fun.

I know yourself are involved in Black Bow Records and Chris is involved in Skyhammer. How did both of those projects come around? Was it through the band that this became something you were interested in, or what was the path towards a label and a studio?

When I moved into a large house in a rural location, not far from Liverpool/Chester, there was a couple of extra buildings. One of them was a large coach-house and I actually wanted to turn that into a rehearsal studio initially. But it needed a lot of building work, which would have cost a lot of money, so I thought, "I wonder if I could somehow turn this into something that would repay some of that investment? So I'll do a practice room and then I may be able to rent the practice room out to bands." And I thought, "Nah, I don't think that will make generate enough money to make it worthwhile, unless we have people in there all the time." And if we did that, it could just be people in there 2-3 hours at a time and it would be a bit of a nightmare to manage, with it being a home. I then thought of, "Well I could turn it into a recording studio." So I got a couple of quotations for layout and stuff like that. It became obvious that it was going to be really expensive to do. So I thought, "I'll do that and see if I can maybe learn the ropes, I might work in there myself as a recording engineer."

For an extremely short-lived time I recorded bands in their practice rooms. I had one band ask for a refund, so then I thought, "Maybe I need to practice a little bit more." So I was going to set up the studio and decided not to, in the end, when Chris got in touch. Me and Chris had been friends and I'd been asking him what microphones to get and what stuff do I need really to set up a studio. We got chatting then one day out of the blue, and he wrote to me saying he had a really crazy idea and could he ring me. So I said okay. He gave me a call and Chris' idea was that he would come and work in the studio and take over and run it, and I waited a little bit and spoke to my wife. Then in the morning, we chatted again and it became obvious that yeah, it was going to be a great idea. Chris and I started working in the studio from August 2013, the build started in May the same year. We had a company called Studio People do it and they were brilliant.

The first band in there were called Bast and they came into the studio. They didn't have a label, I think they had been in talks with Candlelight Records, but nothing had been agreed at that point. So they recorded this album called Spectres and I said, "Why don't I just release it for you?" It was cool to release the first thing we ever recorded at the studio and that album did quite well. I had to repress it and then another band came in and I released theirs, as well. Then I spoke to Fister and Norska from America, I did a 7-inch split. Before you know it, I'm releasing music from bands all over and it's just snowballed. I didn't expect it to and I didn't really try very hard, to be honest.

I'm still learning all the time about running the label, make mistakes all the time, but I love it and it fits in nicely with the band, fits in nicely with the studio. I'm able to really diversify within music now, because obviously everyone has to earn a living somehow and unless you're very lucky, you can't earn a living from just the band. Some people can, but I can't, so I have to add other things on to make it possible to have a career in music. So that's all I do now, thankfully.

You guys feature heavily in the upcoming documentary 'The Doom Doc' which is due out this summer. How important is a documentary like that in promoting the underground?

I think it's cool, because it engages with people who may not have necessarily have checked out the bands that are being talked about on it. It gives a good overview of what the scene is like and it's something that you can take all round the world. We're friends with Joe Allen, one of the lads who made the documentary, and we played in Japan with him recently and his band Kurokuma. We played a sell-out show in Tokyo in a venue called Earthdom, which hadn't sold out for ten years or so. And part of the reason why it sold out so well was because the documentary was really popular over there. It's really cool, because it's shone a light on the very grassroots level of heavy music in the UK and beyond, and I don't think a documentary has done that really for UK heavy music, the very grassroots level, or I've never seen one that does it. Obviously, in America you have Such Hawks, Such Hounds. It's good that something like that has been made in England.

Finally, you've got the next album 'Existential Void Guardian' coming out in August. What can you tell us about that?

Well, it's all recorded and mastered now. We're just waiting on a video getting done for one of the songs and I'm not going to give any of the songs away, but it's cool, it's heavy as fuck, and we're really proud of it. It's the first album that we've done with Jonny on drums and it was quite a challenging album to make, because if we'd had anyone else on drums I don't think we'd have been able to manage it. But fortunately, Jonny being as professional as he is, he came in after touring with us for one month, just practicing a riff or two here or there in sound checks, and we sat down in the studio and we kind of wrote the drum parts of the album within a week -- or a weekend event, maybe 3-4 days -- so it came together. It wasn't easy, but the fact that it came together at all was a miracle, because we didn't allow ourselves the usual amount of time to write an album. So we pushed ourselves to the limit to get it written and get it to a level that were really happy with, because we wouldn't have released it otherwise. We wrote the drums and the guide guitar in the first few sessions, and then we went back and recorded guitar and bass, and when we got back from Japan we recorded vocals.

It came together in a different way to all the other albums. Maybe Revengeance was a bit like that, but everything up until then was the product of weekly practices, an hour or two every week. So we're kind of getting into this vein now, where we're writing music almost like as soon as we sit down. We get together and we can all play and write music together. It's really cool. I think a lot of that is to do with Jonny, because he's got a particular style that really blend in with what me and Chris are doing. It comes out mid-Sept. Tony Roberts is doing the artwork, as many people would expect, the artwork's cool. And we've got a really good video coming out, it's been done by the same people who shot the "Foehammer" video, and I gave them this idea of what I'd like them to do with this next video, and it's insane. It's everything I would ever want from a Conan video -- it's so sick, it's amazing.

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[gleam-blog]

“Taming of The Alpha”

A 10-Minute play

 By:

J.T. Espino

T.M. Kabiling

K.S. Ocampo

F.M. Sales

J. Simon

CHARACTERS

Simon Adler – 20 years old. President of Alpha Beta Max.

Fiona Boyle – 19 years old. President of MARIA

Julian Sprouse – 19 years old. Vice President of Alpha Beta Max. Best friend of Simon. Has a fling with Reese.

Reese Gogh – 20 years old. Vice President of MARIA. Best friend of Fiona. Has a fling with Julian

 TIME

This time is in year 2019

 PLACE

Maxwell University in Padua

SCENE 1

Morning. Boulevard of Maxwell University. There are booths set up for the club fair. The organizations Alpha Beta Max and MARIA’s booths are facing each other. MARIA giving out flyers. Boys enter

ALPHA BETA MAX

(chanting very loud)

Alpha Beta Max, Alpha Beta Max, Alpha Beta Max!

At this moment, JULIAN arrives, followed immediately by SIMON. JULIAN conducts the lead cheering.

JULIAN

Be cool, be a beta brother and strengthen each other.

SIMON

(nonchalantly)

Relax, guys. let them come to us.

FIONA

Tch, men. They’re just noisy good-for-nothings. Hi, join MARIA and end patriarchy together. Beware of those low college men.

Boys found their way roaming around the boulevard. SIMON overheard MARIA’s President, FIONA. He goes near MARIA’s booth with a loathsome grin

SIMON

(smirks)

Do I really affect you that much? Try focusing on your “organization” instead of swooning over us.

He backs up pretending to drop a mic. He forgets that his boys already left

FIONA

(exasperates)

Excuse me, how can anyone like such cocky guys like you?

From the other booth, college girls spotted SIMON. FIONA turns to the squealing girls

COLLEGE GIRLS

Oh. My. God! It’s Simon Adler! I’d totally hit that.

SIMON

You were saying?

FIONA hesitant to turn back to SIMON, starts clenching fists. REESE approaches and grabs FIONA’S arm away

REESE

(calmly)

Fiona, let him be. C’mon, let’s go

JULIAN comes from the nearby booth. He approaches SIMON

JULIAN

(kinky)

Hey, bro! Whatchu doin’ out here? What’s up with these la…dies.

JULIAN and REESE make eye contact. REESE tilts her head and widens her eyes.

REESE

Why don’t you go and take some rest? I’ll take care of this.

Everyone exits. REESE and JULIAN meet at the alley far from the booths.

REESE

What was that all about? Why are you with Simon?

JULIAN

What about you? Why are you with Fiona? Don’t tell me that you’re part of MARIA?

REESE

(fiercely)

What about it? At least, I’m not in a stupid group like Alpha Beta Max!

JULIAN

(offended)

What do you mean stupid? It’s my group!

REESE

Then, why didn’t I hear about this last summer?

JULIAN

(replies softly)

So, what do we do now? What about us?

REESE

I don’t know, Julian. I don’t think it’s possible with our situation right now.

REESE steps back and leaves JULIAN alone. REESE exits

JULIAN

(Obnoxiously nodding whilst talking to himself)

I need to do something about this. I have to make this work.

SCENE 2

Evening. Alpha Beta Max fraternity house. JULIAN and SIMON drinking their usual away from the other boys who were playing on their XBOX

JULIAN

(befuddles)

Fuck, bro. Who were you with a while ago? Damn, they’re gor-hor-geous, man! Isn’t she a catch? But she’s from MARIA.

SIMON

(baffles)

Yeah, bro. But that girl, you’re talking about is hell of a shrew.

JULIAN

Well yeah? You’ll have to find out yourself if you shoot your shot, ain’t it? But bro, you’re a ladies’ man, would you let her ruin your reputation?

SIMON

What’s the point? It’s a waste of my time. Ugh, I don’t have to prove anything to her and you.

JULIAN

Oh man, ya’ just gonna let them define us – just boys?! You should show them that we are more than “just boys”. We are Alpha Beta Max. Are you just gonna settle for words?

SIMON

Okay fine! I’ll do it. I am doing this for my Alpha Beta Max brothers. Nothing more, nothing less.

JULIAN

(mirthfully)

Yes! That’s my man. We are rooting for you!

Boys wooed even if they didn’t know what was it about. Everyone exits.

SCENE 3

Morning. Library. FIONA is reading a book. SIMON approaches her.

SIMON

(flirty)

The Feminine Mystique. It suits you, strong and opinionated.

FIONA

(disrupted, annoyed)

What are you doing here? Are you here to yet again feed your male ego?

SIMON

Why do I need to feed my ego when girls do it for me?

FIONA

(exasperated then angrily replies)

Ugh! The audacity! You men are so full of yourselves like you think that women live for your needs and women can’t live without you. You think you can play with wo-

SIMON

Relax! Okay? Why do you hate men so much huh?

FIONA

For your information, it’s not that I hate men. We’re merely asking for equal opportunities. This fight is not about our pride, it’s about helping our fellow women fight for themselves. We seek nothing but mutual respect.

SIMON

(softly)

Well, that made me feel bad. I know I haven’t been really nice to you. It’s just that I didn’t realize the depth of your cause. To make it up to you, how about we grab some ice cream?

FIONA

(hesitant)

Hm, okay? But make sure that this isn’t just one of your schemes.

SIMON

Of course! See you tomorrow?

SCENE 4

Morning. Hallway of Maxwell University. JULIAN and SIMON already settled in Hallways, talks whilst fixing stuff inside their lockers.

JULIAN

Hey, bro! I heard you went out with the shrew last night. So, how was it?

SIMON

(nonchalantly)

Yeah, it turned out really well and by the way don’t call her a shrew, she’s not like that.

JULIAN

(confounded)

What do you mean?

SIMON

(dreamy)

She’s actually really nice… and really smart.

FIONA enters without the knowledge of the boys and she listens

JULIAN

(giddy)

So, don’t tell me you like Fiona, already.

SIMON

(laughs)

No, bro.

JULIAN

(unamused)

The way I see it, you still need to work on the bet. She needs to fall head over heels for you.

Fiona is shocked with what she heard. She tries to run away and Simon sees her and grabs her in the arm.

SIMON

(shocked)

Fiona, wait, it’s not what you think it is.

FIONA

Then what is it Simon? I thought you were different and you actually understood me.

SIMON

Don’t get mad.

FIONA

(aggravated)

I’m not mad at you. I’m just disappointed because I thought that this was finally the start of a good relationship between us.

FIONA walks away but SIMON did not try to chase her. FIONA then entered the organization room with disappointment on her face. She heavily puts her things down and REESE enters and notices her immediately

SCENE 5

REESE

Hey, is everything alright? Seems like you had a rough day.

FIONA

(furious and disappointed)

Guess what? Those boys from Alpha Beta Max? They bet on me. Men really think they have the right to objectify women and treat us as toys. And I'm actually disappointed with myself for thinking they were changing.

REESE

(befuddles)

What? Bet on you? Is it Simon and Julian?

FIONA

(confounded)

Yes, how’d you know?

REESE storms out immediately to the corridor and Julian approaches her.

REESE

(angrily)

So, this was the thing you planned on doing and you thought it was a good plan, huh?

JULIAN

I just thought that if our leaders are in good terms, then we could be together.

REESE

(furious)

But Fiona had nothing to do with this and you treated her as something you can play with. What you did was wrong no matter how you look at it.

JULIAN

I know it was a bad idea. I'm sorry, Reese. What can I do to make it up to you?

REESE leaves JULIAN alone in the hallway. Everyone exits. Enter JULIAN who calls SIMON and tells him to meet him at the fraternity house.

SCENE 6

SIMON

(anxiously pacing)

Shit man! We are so screwed up. Fiona’s mad at me and I don’t know what to do because I actually started to have feelings for her. What a stupid bet.

JULIAN

I know. I screwed up too. I schemed this whole thing for Reese and I to be together. I met her this summer and things have been going great until we realized we were in opposing groups. Now she’s mad at me too. This whole thing’s a mess.

SIMON

What? This basically means that we’re in the same situation. What do we even do now?

JULIAN

I don’t know, try and win their hearts back? Just trust me on this. This whole thing’s my fault and I’m gonna try and fix it myself.

SCENE 7

Morning. Hallway of Maxwell University. JULIAN approaches REESE’s locker and leaves flowers and chocolates inside. REESE reaches her locker and sees Julian.

REESE

(baffles)

What do you think you’re doing here? Why are you leaving your trash in my locker?

JULIAN

(confused)

What do you mean trash? Don’t you like flowers and chocolates? Come on. I got these for you.

REESE

(fiercely)

Do you really think I’m that shallow? Flowers and chocolates aren’t gonna cut it, Julian.

SIMON

Hey, Fiona. You saw what I got for you?

FIONA

Yes. Don’t ever give me those trash again. You can’t even sincerely apologize.

Eveyone exits. Bleachers of the school’s soccer field. SIMON and JULIAN enters

SCENE 8

SIMON

(unhappily reports)

What a plan, Julian. It failed again.

JULIAN

(abrasively replies)

Well, I don’t know what else to do! I thought they were gonna appreciate it!

SIMON

(alacritous)

You know what, after spending some time with Fiona, I actually now understand them. We need to apologize. Let’s do this for real.

SCENE 9

Morning. Auditorium of Maxwell University, filled with the entire student body, graduation stuff everywhere. JULIAN enters and walks towards SIMON

JULIAN

(nonchalantly asks)

Hey, man. You ready? It’s gonna be a long ass speech.

SIMON

(nervously replies)

I’m not, but here goes nothing.

SIMON, JULIAN, FIONA, and REESE together with the other seniors of Maxwell University march on the red carpet as a part of the graduation rites. The principal calls SIMON to deliver his speech as the president of Alpha Beta Max.

SIMON

(holds the microphone with confidence and pride)

To end my speech, as the president of Alpha Beta Max, I would like to formally apologize to the members of MARIA for ignoring their causes as an organization. This school year, I have had the opportunity to know the president of MARIA. After spending sometime with her, I finally realized the importance of their organization. It promotes equality and helps many women around the world. MARIA truly makes a difference. Alpha Beta Max supports MARIA and their endeavors.

JULIAN gets close and sits beside REESE. Turns to REESE

JULIAN

Heard the speech? I took part in writing that.

REESE

(laughs)

Oh, really? Quite good then. I guess you’re sorry?

JULIAN

(smiles slyly)

I was about to apologize! I’m sorry, Reese.

SIMON descends from the stage. FIONA goes to the backstage and approaches SIMON.

FIONA

Nice speech you got there.

SIMON

(scratches the back of his head)

Really? Is it alright?

FIONA

(nods and smiles)

SIMON

(nervously clears his throat and gently holds Fiona’s hand)

Look, Fiona. I’m really sorry for what happened. What I did is inexcusable. But despite that, I’d like you to know that what you saw in me was real. This time, if you give me the chance, I want to get to know you more.

FIONA

(looks at Simon’s eyes)

No secrets this time?

SIMON

(smiles with certainty)

No secrets this time.

THE END

Photo Credit: Touchstone Pictures.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS - CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: 9th December 2018

Geez, today was a busy week. Before we talk about the top 10, however, let’s just get the massive elephants out of the way.

CHRISTMAS NONSENSE

It’s the festive season and one way people celebrate the holidays is by listening to its music – usually, Christmas music, of course, and since I review all returning entries that I haven’t talked about yet, sigh... There are seven of these so I’m going to go as quick as possible, but just bear with me throughout this section because I really don’t like Christmas music all that much. Let’s just get it over with.

#39 – “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” – Brenda Lee

This is “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”, a song written by Johnny Marks and released in 1958 in the US, being left on the shelf for four years until its release in the UK in 1962. In 1963, it peaked at number-six and has since re-entered due to digital downloads, with one of its highest recent peaks being number-seven last year. It’s pretty inoffensive rockabilly, with some nice very-50s guitar licks coming in throughout, and some decently-sounding production, but really it’s not anything of internet until that sax solo. That solo is freaking gorgeous, and I’m glad it’s there, because otherwise this would just kind of fall to the wayside. Not sure I like Lee’s voice on here, it comes off as a bit nasal, but it’s not a big deal. It’s alright, I guess. I expected to say RIP here since she was popular such a long time ago, but no, she’s still alive and kicking. Good for her.

#36 – “Merry Christmas Everyone” – Shakin’ Stevens

Now this is where it all breaks down into dread. This song by Shakin’ Stevens is Godawful, mostly because of how painfully manufactured the whole thing is. It’s overproduced Christmas music that is just jolly feelings and nothing else. Those horns that kick in after the first verse are pretty cool, but Stevens doesn’t sound great here – or at least I can’t tell because he’s drowned in reverb – and the choir might as well be a computer for all I care. Also, the sax solo was cool the first time in Brenda Lee’s track, but here it’s just trite, especially when you add those shooby-doo-wops over it. This track was initially the Christmas number-one for 1985, and I understand why, but does it really have to come back every year since 2007 – for over 60 weeks in total? Oh, it peaked last year at #10 too. Let’s hope this upwards trend doesn’t continue.

#35 – “Santa Tell Me” – Ariana Grande

Now for a more recent one from arguably the biggest popstar in the world right now, with her 2014 song that actually failed to chart in the Top 40 initially until last year at #29, and that’s its peak so far... whilst I’ve never been a fan of the cleaner, refined Ariana Grande records, I do have a soft spot for this one. That melody is infectious and the sleigh bells complement the synth bass in a way I didn’t think they would, and it’s not like the drums are all that overpowering here, although a trap skitter would have worked better here (yeah, I know, not something I say often). It’s surprisingly romantic and sensual for a song with Santa in the title, actually, although it’s about men who have wronged her. Anyway, Ariana kills it but what else do you expect from a song from her at this point? It’s a good track, although the final chorus with the choir is really cluttered, just saying, it’s messy.

#30 – “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” – Michael Bublé

This here is Michael Bublé’s cover of traditional Christmas classic written in 1951 by Meredith Wilson, and it’s not great. Obviously, I mean, it’s Michael Bublé, ever since “Haven’t Met You Yet” he’s been utterly useless seasonal radio fodder. Bublé never really sounds bad but he never sounds interesting, and this production isn’t doing him any favours. It’s sickly sweet strings and brass for the most part, with some piano added in there for good measure, after what seems to be way too long of just airy synth, string and guitar noise – that’s really out of place, guys, why is this on the single edit? Ah, what else to say? Oh, right, nothing.

#26 – “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” – Band Aid

Oh, I know it’s Christmas time, alright, this song won’t let me forget it. I could ramble on about how preachy and awful this charity single is but other people have done it better. I just have four short things to say – 1.) this was the most popular song in the UK of the entire 80s. Yikes. 2.) This is the worst thing the Boomtown Rats have had any involvement in. They’re such a great band, hell so are Culture Club. How do Boy George, the Boomtown Rats, Ultravox, Phil Collins, U2, Kool & the Gang, Sting and Duran Duran make something this awful? They’re all absolutely fantastic musicians in their own right. 3.) That synth that kicks in after a while is pretty ugly, not gonna lie, and is unfitting for the condescending Christmas charity single angle they’re going for here – mostly because that’s what it really is. 4.) We’ve remade and reissued and re-entered this song too many times. Let it go, Britain. Please. We’re begging you. It’s for a good cause, and I appreciate how much money it’s raised, but it’s also garbage.

#18 – “Fairytale of New York” – The Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl

They use the word because it was the 80s, it’s not meant to mean homosexual and it’s not used in that context – albeit still a negative one – and the climate of Ireland, especially the Celtic punk scene, wasn’t exactly going to care about dropping that slur in their Christmas single. It should still be censored, though, I mean, black rappers saying the N-word is morally okay, but we still mute those, right? Anyway, this is one of the best songs I’ve ever heard. It starts with a beautifully elegant piano melody, with the lead singer of the Pogues, Shane MacGowan, mumbling his way through his verse, but instead of people like Future or Lil Baby, there’s still a lot of sincerity there, I feel, and a lot of soul is put into expressing the lyrics here in the raspy tone that I absolutely love. I’m not going to talk much about the story here mostly because I’m not going to go in-depth, but it’s about a typical love story going awry at some point due to a betrayal. Oh, and the moment the Celtic traditional instruments come in is one of the best moments in music – ever. Kirsty MacColl sounds so lovely here, and the harmonisations in the chorus are fantastic. That flute solo is gorgeous, and the juxtaposition between “you’re a bum, you’re a punk, you’re an old s--- on junk, lying there almost dead as a drip on that bed” and the cheerful instrumental is just hilarious to me, especially since right after “Happy Christmas your a---, I thank God it’s our last” is immediately followed by the bombastic drunk sing-a-long chorus. The third verse is also such a great back-and-forth, man, I can’t even bring to words how much I admire and adore this piece of music. This is the best song I think I’ve ever talked about on this show, by far, but it could have easily not been close if “2000 Miles” by the Pretenders returned this week. We’ll just hope for next week, I guess. Rest in peace to Kirsty MacColl, gone much too young.

#14 – “Last Christmas” – WHAM!

Finally, we have our last Christmas song for this week’s holiday REVIEWING THE CHARTS special. It’s an anti-climactic end, to be honest, because I’m pretty indifferent to this song. It’s pretty 80s, to be fair, so I’ve got to like some of the cheesy falsetto vocalisations from the late George Michael at the start, as well as those repetitive synths that keep themselves from sounding awful by having those sleigh bells and pretty damn nice keys covering them. That chorus is iconic, but the rest of the lyrics are just forgettable. Honestly, it’s a good background song and it’s a well-written, catchy pop track with Michael putting in some good vocals throughout, but, it’s nothing special. Nothing but respect to George Michael, though, rest in peace, he’s a pop legend over here.

Christmas Conclusion

The best Christmas song on the charts right now is easily “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues and Kirsty MacColl, but an Honourable Mention goes to Mariah Carey for “All I Want for Christmas is You”. Yup, that’s still here, we’ll get to that in a second. Worst of the Week goes to Band Aid for “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” You should be ashamed, Bob. Dishonourable Mention is going to Shakin’ Stevens for “Merry Christmas Everyone”. Other Christmas songs you should check out are “Christmas in Harlem” by Kanye West, Teyana Taylor and CyHi tha Prynce featuring Musiq Soulchild (heck, check out the longer version if you wish), “2000 Miles” by the Pretenders, “Stop the Cavalry” by Jona Lewie, “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay, “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” by Tyler, the Creator and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” by DMX. Yes, those last two actually exist. Now, this Christmas section has taken longer and is longer to read than about half of my normal episodes, so I think we should get straight into...

Top 10

Well, this all feels a bit more familiar. “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande is still at the top of the charts five weeks in, and it doesn’t really seem to have much competition.

Ava Max, however, is making a surprise run for the top, up four spots to number-two, with “Sweet but Psycho”. I wouldn’t exactly be complaining if this hit the top either.

“Without Me” by Halsey is up a spot to number-three.

We have a new entry from the most recent X Factor winner, Dalton Harris, with a cover of Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s Christmas classic “The Power of Love”, featuring James Arthur. I guess awful Christmas songs aren’t going away for that long, huh? Obviously this is Dalton’s first top 10, and Arthur’s fifth.

“Thursday” by Jess Glynne is down two spaces to number-three.

Up a whopping 28 spaces this week to number-six is, you guessed it, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You”. This isn’t its first top 10 turn, and it’s not its peak, but still impressive to reach here nonetheless.

This means “Woman Like Me” by Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj is down five spaces to number-seven.

“Rewrite the Stars” by James Arthur and Anne-Marie has actually gained nine spaces, surprisingly, and to my dismay, to number-eight, becoming Arthur’s sixth and Anne-Marie’s fifth.

Oh, and if you wanted even worse news, up an even larger 29 spaces is “KIKA” by 6ix9ine featuring Tory Lanez, becoming both their first (and hopefully for 6ix9ine, only) top 10 hit at number-nine. I like the song, but I don’t like Tekashi, to say the least.

We have another new entry at #10 this week with “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” by Mark Ronson featuring Miley Cyrus. This is Ronson’s sixth top 10 hit and Cyrus’ fourth (yeah, I thought she had more too).

Now, instead of separating what happened on the charts into Dropouts, Climbers, Returning Entries, Fallers and such, let’s separate into two sections: “What Survived” and “What Suffered”.

What Survived

What survived means essentially everything that still managed to chart this week, and I’m actually surprised by how much power some of these songs have. Going in reverse order, I have no idea how “Arms Around You” by XXXTENTACION, Lil Pump, Swae Lee and Maluma managed to cling on despite a 17-space fall to #40. “Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith is down 16 to #38, “Baby Shark” by Pinkfong is down four to #37, “Empty Space” by James Arthur is down 10 to #34 (why did James Arthur of all people have the strength to stay during the avalanche?), “Hold My Girl” by George Ezra is down eight to #33, “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper is down 27 to #32 (considering both streaming cuts and Christmas bloodbath), “Leave a Light On” by Tom Walker has returned to #31 for some reason, “when the party’s over” by Billie Eilish is down seven to #28 (again, surprised this one’s still here), “Taki Taki” by DJ Snake, Ozuna, Cardi B and Selena Gomez is down eight to #27, “1999” by Charli XCX and Troye Sivan is down 11 to #24, “Polaroid” by James Blue, Liam Payne and Lennon Stella is down 11 to #23, “Let You Love Me” by Rita Ora is down eight to #22, “Better” by Khalid is down five to #20, “Sunflower” by Post Malone and Swae Lee is down seven to #16, as is “ZEZE” by Kodak Black featuring Travis Scott and Offset right next to it at #15, “Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo is down five to #12, and everything else that’s currently charting is either simply not notable (a drop or climb less than four spaces), in the top 10, a new arrival, a Christmas re-entry or in the top 10. Jesus. Now, what’s gone?

What Suffered

This is a little nicer name for what’s dropped out in the absolute onslaught of Christmas music and new arrivals (all returning and new entries this week total to 12 songs that weren’t on the chart before). This week was an absolute bloodbath, and these are the murder victims. Former #1 “Shotgun” by George Ezra is out from #30, “Advice” by Cadet and Deno Driz is out from #28, “AirForce” by Digdat is out from the #20 debut, “Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes is out prematurely from #27, “This is Me” by Keala Settle and the Greatest Showman Ensemble is out again from #36, another former #1 “Eastside” by benny blanco, Halsey and Khalid is out from #31, “Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille is out from #32, “I Found You” by benny blanco and Calvin Harris is out from #29, “MIA” by Bad Bunny featuring Drake is out from #35, “Always Remember Us this Way” by Lady Gaga is out from #39, “Goodbye” by Jason Derulo and David Guetta featuring Nicki Minaj and Willy William is out from #40 and finally, “Back and Forth” by MK, Jonas Blue and Becky Hill is out from #37. I’d say it’s time to move onto the New Arrivals – but before, I’d like to say that the BBC redesigned their UK Top 40 page, and it looks pretty cool. Anyways:

NEW ARRIVALS

#29 – “MAMA” – 6ix9ine featuring Kanye West and Nicki Minaj

Of course, DUMMY BOY only had a stunted tracking week last week, so we have the effects of the album this week. This is 6ix9ine’s third top 40 hit in the UK, Nicki Minaj’s thirty-seventh (yeah, I know, it’s insane), and Ye’s even crazier forty-third, and to be honest, it’s inoffensive, which is something I’d never thought I’d say about a 6ix9ine song, but, hey, it is what it is. Murda Beatz’s production is pretty cool for what it is, and I do like the eerie synth loop. 6ix9ine’s delivery is lazy and boring – and I still think we shouldn’t let rappers say they kick women out of doors – but he doesn’t last long so when Kanye comes in with that “man, oh my God” refrain it gets so much better. I’m so used to Kanye West’s pop-culture rambling, social media criticism/obsession, somehow relating to women nonsense he brings to nearly every single verse he does recently that I’m used to it, it’s just something I’ve heard before delivered relatively comedically. Nicki’s refrain and verse actually has some work put into it, unlike the dudes’ bars, so yeah, I appreciate that, although her delivery and cadence is exhaustingly blunt and straightforward, to the point where it’s just kind of tiring. There’s some decent wordplay there, I guess. This is okay enough, and pretty much top-tier Tekashi to be honest. “KANGA” also featuring Ye is even better, though.

#17 – “Going Bad” – Meek Mill featuring Drake

Meek Mill and Drake working together is something I expected to happen anyway. Meek and Drake have seemingly squashed their beef and have relaxed after the “Back to Back” situation and their popular 2015/2016 beef that revealed a lot about Drake, specifically his ghostwriting from Quentin Miller, and eventually stressed Meek’s relationship with Nicki enough for them to break up as a result. Oh, and you better believe they mention “back to back” because of course they do, it’s the only funny wordplay they can conjure up, apparently. This is Meek Mill’s first ever top 40 hit in the UK (congratulations) and in stark contrast, Drake’s forty-fifth (yes, even more than Kanye), and his thirteenth just this year (probably and hopefully his last), and it’s mediocre. I didn’t know what to expect because I’ve never really cared enough about Meek to listen to him, but an out-of-tune piano absolutely demolished by some bass while Drake spouts off with stuff like “I got more slaps than the Beatles” isn’t exactly the best first impression. Is there a chorus here, or not? I can’t tell, everything’s just kind of the same until the ad-lib break that’s long enough for Genius to count it as an entirely different section of the song than in Meek’s verse. It was “Interlude” when I looked but it might be “Post-Chorus” now. Yeah, it should be clear I don’t care enough about this song. I do like Drake’s delivery in the hook, though, it’s pretty energetic, but not enough to save it.

#10 – “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” – Mark Ronson featuring Miley Cyrus

So, yeah, I like this. It starts with some beautiful strings right before Miley Cyrus fades in with her country twang that I’m starting to really appreciate, and those guitars come in to complement her and the deeper bass that I like the addition of, it really contrasts the otherwise pretty light production, that seems to be dramatic but kind of unfitting for the lyrical content about how the world can hurt you but heartbreak is the worst possible thing, because despite the beat’s melodrama it’s too upbeat to really work here, I feel. Ah, well, the hook is pretty memorable, and the orchestral stings is just one little barely-noticeable production quirk that I can talk about, seriously, Mark Ronson puts so much effort into crafting these songs over the years, it’s pretty great. It may be a bit too repetitive and slow for my taste, but, yeah, I can dig this. Good song, just not much to say about it.

#4 – “The Power of Love” – Dalton Harris featuring James Arthur

The girl gets Leona Lewis, the Scouse dude gets Kaiser Chiefs, yet the WINNER gets James Arthur?! Really, James Arthur? Poor dude. You must know you’re an amazingly talented singer when you get James Arthur put on your song and you still make a surprisingly decent winner’s single, hell, even win in the first place. Arthur is such an awful vacuum of talent, I was scared Harris would be affected by this but no, even with my half-bothering with the show this year I can tell he’s been consistently great, and he’s definitely not bad on here either, although the production has no unique charm to it and is just plastic Syco production as you expect, with James Arthur bringing an above-average performance (this means still pretty bad) with his moaning and straining that just pains me to listen to. Seriously, James, let’s have a cactus-to-man talk and let me teach you how to not sound like my dead cat who just popped some Xanax.

Conclusion

Worst of the Week goes to Dalton Harris and James Arthur for “The Power of Love” – at least “Going Bad” has some energy and legitimate soul to it, although Meek Mill and Drake still get Dishonourable Mention. Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus take Best of the Week home for “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart”, and hell Kanye and Nicki made “MAMA” bearable enough for them and 6ix9ine to get Honourable Mentions. See ya next week, where we’ll probably see a few more Christmas songs. Delightful.