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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years

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Life Story Part 91

My mother decided to move out of Wes's. She ended up getting in some kind of fight with him right before he had got sick in the hospital. There wasn't enough room for us four to live in that basement and she was suffering financially after a combined thievery from my sister and niece and from the fact that when Wes went to the hospital, she was temporarily out of work until he came him. This time though, he was really sick. It didn't look like he would be coming back. He wouldn't stop eating food that was bad for him. When my mother prepared him healthy dishes he would eat them, and then pay people to bring him sugary snacks that he couldn't eat anymore. He had lost his second leg. And every time he caught a cold or a flu it came close to killing him if he didn't go to the hospital. So the facts of the matter were that taking care of Wes was going to prove a very unstable income for my mother and there just wasn't enough space for all of us.

After the fight, I had just gotten home from learning Zack had feelings for Sarah. My mother came down the steps and had started screaming and throwing things at me. I remember I feeling awful. I wasn't angry at her. My heart was confused. It didn't help to have small items and articles of clothing being tossed at me. I couldn't even hear what it was she was yelling about, and I didn't care. Zack's affections were for Sarah. And of course they were. Sarah was beautiful, charming, she was hilarious and had an accommodating personality. If Sarah had been born a snaggled tooth she still would have reeled people in with the sheer brilliance of her personality. For some reason Sarah was trying to fog my vision. Perhaps she didn't want to hurt me. In any case, I was hurt. I waited seven years, so I reasoned. Seven years. Even when I had moved on, my heart still must have carried inside of it, some fragment of my love for him. And then he had come back to me, and I had been so certain that my life had made sense again – even though it wasn't making any sense it all. Where would this all lead?

When I absently didn't respond to my mother's fury, she took note and stopped throwing things at me. I distantly told her that Zack didn't love me, flatly. For what it's worth coming from my mother of all people, she felt as badly as she was capable of feeling. She didn't understand what it felt like of course – she had never really been in love, but she knew I had told her was something of that was pretty big for me. I had to swallow my pride I guess. Life wasn't going to stop just because I felt badly. Sometimes continuing to try felt dizzying and it was hard to see to what means I was doing anything. It was coming to the periphery of my realization that I was on my own. Sarah said she was with me, but how could she really be with me? She was no longer really listening to me. Even though she showed no indication of it, I knew we weren't making a connection. I couldn't really be mad at her though. She had spent the last two years trying to make me a functioning cog in society so that I could climb out of the hole that was my family.

Some part of me was going limp. Twenty pounds had fallen off my that month due to stress. My clothes were fitting better. I had moments where I looked in the mirror and it please me that I was getting so much thinner. But if someone had given me a way to escape my own brain I would have taken it without thought. I felt emotionally drained.

Wes was in the hospital, which was a short walk away from the house. My mom told us that Wes would be cheered up if we went to the hospital to say hello. It was a beautiful day outside, so David and I got our shoes on and headed up to the hospital. When we got there – Wes was asleep. He was too ill and tired to receive guests, so we turned around and decided to walk back home. As I was walking, suddenly I felt this achy feeling in my chest. At this point, feelings of this nature were commonplace with me. I was constantly hurting in some form or another. This was who I was now, and I was trying to adjust to being sad and happy and feeling crazy all the time without bothering everyone around me with it.

Sarah had given me a friendship ring that winter. She had bought it for me before I had gone up to visit my grandma and I was feeling like giving up, as a reminder to stay strong and remember there was something worth not giving up for. It reminded me of Sarah. It meant a lot to me, and I wore it everyday. It was made of thick plastic, it probably came from a venting machine or from the front counter of a trinket store. It fit well – it wasn't hard for me to slide on and off. As I was walking down the road, feeling the strange ache in my chest, I suddenly felt this weird burst around my ring. I looked down and it had shattered. The plastic had shattered into six pieces. David and I looked at the wreckage of my friendship ring with confusion. At first all I could try to make out was that something must have hit it or there must have been some kind of extreme pressure that made the ring break. But none of that had been the case. I had been walking down the road and the ring had just burst.

I didn't want to be superstitious, or to assume anything about it. It was so weird though. I couldn't help but connect it to the dream I had had where Sarah and I were disconnected. I wrote Sarah and told her about it. It was not lost to her that this seemed connected to what I had told her of my dream. She was coming into town that next day – and she told me she was going to stop at a store and buy another one. There was no way she was going to let some supernatural force break our friendship rings. She would bring Zack with her.

I waited the next day that morning for Zack and Sarah to show up. I was always so happy to see them, and some melancholy feeling of dread took over at the same time that was mysteriously repelled. I couldn't figure it out, but I didn't have much choice in the matter. Maybe it was the knowing that Zack was interested in Sarah and not me. Maybe it was garden variety jealousy and I was just making it into something far more profound then it actually was. Their car showed up and I walked out onto the porch. It was beautiful outside. As Sarah and Zack got out of the truck, something hit me. I couldn't explain it. Neither one of them had said or done anything directly strange. And yet there was something about the way they had gotten out of the truck that spoke a thousand words. Both of them were wearing sunglasses bought from Claire's. Zack had rainbow sunglasses on. He was looking pretty cool. Sarah had bought herself a pair of heart sunglasses. Something had struck me as strange about their mannerisms, or their appearances. Something about the very minute details of their exit from the vehicle told a story I didn't know I wanted to hear.

Sarah had to go to work. It would be one of those days that Zack drove me around. We drove out of town. We listened to one of Johnny Cash's 'American Recording' records. Then we were silent. Zack started talking about the normal stuff – the phoenix, the fact that we were family. Some God stuff that I drowned out. At this point I knew that talking about Sarah was going to be an inevitable part of our discussions. He was obsessed with her. There was a neediness in his obsession I didn't care for. The idea that Sarah could cure him of drugs the way a holy man could cure someone of leprosy or blindness wasn't something I could be obliged to believe. Plus, I knew Sarah. She was definitely not holy. She'd been a great friend and she was a good person and all that. But she wasn't capable of really understanding the depths of addiction. She didn't really understand my weight loss and all the struggle that had been for me – so I knew she wasn't going to grasp Zack's addiction to methamphetamines. I wanted to argue this point, but I didn't.

In any case, he started talking to me in this cryptic way about all sorts of stuff. We were on the outskirts of some small town with maybe one hundred people living in it. He started talking about how – him, me, Sarah, his sister Whitney and his stepbrother Josh – who had dated Whitney off an on for several years now before and after their parents decided to date and marry (more explanations on that later), where all going to live in a house together and it was going to be essentially utopia. This was the first time I had heard some specific goal like this. I didn't even know what to say. Obviously Zack didn't understand what it meant to pay bills. I wondered if this had been his plan all along. Where was this idea stemming from? I told him I didn't believe him and I laughed it off. But he had a dead certainty in his eye.

He then started talking about Sarah. I had anticipated this. It felt like getting hit with a hammer when he talked about her to me. There is something about listening to somebody you are infatuated with talk lovingly about your best friend with you in this way. I felt ugly and awkward and belittled – but at the same time I didn't have the right to tell him to stop. Nobody owed me anything. He was doing nothing wrong. But then he started talking about how him and Sarah were already together. I looked at him confused. They weren't together! What was going on here? My first thought was that Zack was crazy. The second thought I had was that Sarah didn't feel that way towards Zack, and third, she had a boyfriend, and fourth, even if she did have feelings for Zack, she would never act out on them because a. I was her best friend and she knew doing something like that would destroy me, and b. Zack was a meth addict.

But here Zack was, telling me anyway. I began to panic in silence. I slouched in the passenger seat. I frowned with frustration. I put my head in my hands. A little voice that lived in my thoughts took hold – the one that I thought I should ignore since I thought that being suspicious would make me seem crazy. I started going over every action and indirect action said and implied in every moment with Sarah and Zack since his arrival. Individually each piece fit together to make what Zack was saying true. It would make sense with what I had picked up off of Sarah. It all made horrible sense when I thought of all the times I just thought I was sensing something but couldn't put a name to it, and yet when I thought of it in terms of one lump reality, the whole thing seemed profoundly unlikely. There were so many safeguards I thought, that would prevent something like this from ever becoming a thing. It was the same baffled horror I felt when Donald Trump would be elected six years later.

Zack was still talking about it all. Against my strong need to be composed, I was beginning to curl up into a ball in the passenger seat. Zack's eyes glowed indifferently as he continued to drive and dreamily clarify cryptically, how it all was going to be now from here on in – for him, me, Sarah. He didn't just stop at telling me about him and Sarah – he started talking about me as well. He had plans for me – so I had nothing to worry about. I couldn't talk anymore. I was afraid if I started I would just begin to scream or laugh or cry. I didn't want to fly into hysterics. Maybe Zack was telling the truth – and Sarah and him were a couple. Sarah had kept it from me, but now Zack had been sent to tell me all about it because Sarah was too cowardly to look me in the eye and tell me herself.

Zack told me that my place was to serve him and Sarah. I had no other purpose outside of him and Sarah. My old life was over. My sole purpose was to be there for them. He told me that everything I had fought for and believed in up to this point in my life had been to get to this point so that Sarah and him could be together and now that it had happened my role was to essentially be their servant, pet, maid. My individuality was nothing. Zack and Sarah had decided this for me. Was I not excited? Why was I crying? Why was I not happy for him and Sarah? Didn't I love them both?

It was awkward to be crying in the passenger seat, holding my head, slouching and half dead. I didn't care. I wasn't crying because I was losing Zack. At this point, I had to face the reality that I just couldn't care about ninety percent of whatever it was he was saying. It was Sarah. Sarah had been my true friend. She was one of the only people I had ever trusted, and the only person I had trusted when I had woke up that morning. I could never even have imagined any of this happening. She was the last person I ever would have suspected. She knew everything about me. I thought she respected me. She had helped me grow as a person for those years. I had been so open with her – I had been vulnerable. And she had stepped on me to get to Zack – if what Zack was saying was true. She hadn't even really waited. If what Zack was saying was true, she either intended on a. going along with exactly what Zack wanted, or b. she was willing to lose me as a friend in order to keep him. It had only been three or four weeks since Zack had even shown up. She had passively shut me down every time I felt weird about something. She had promised me, desperately to trust her. And why??

So everything I had been relying on, everything I had been standing on was a lie. I had nobody. I was nobody. I felt like I was dying. Zack didn't get why I was upset. He told me he knew that I had feelings for him, that Sarah had told him. I felt betrayed by this as well, violated in fact – and the believability of this whole ugly mess was starting to sink in. I had no dignity left to even pretend anymore. Sarah had told Zack everything. She told him about my feelings for him. She had likely seen it as a romantic hurdle that was preventing them from being able to truly be together, not as very real feelings I was having. I was dehumanized. And every time in the last several years where she had supported me and tried to debunk any self loathing I had been feeling or doubts – every time she had gone above and beyond to make me feel like I had value, it had all been one big lie. It was humiliating. I couldn't believe I had allowed myself to trust someone so openly.

Then Zack started to tell me that I should have suspected this. He explained that in high school Sarah and him had been super close. About how he had written her letters and sang to her. This was false! It was me! Zack and Sarah didn't talk much in high school. Zack and I had been the ones who were close. I felt strangled with fury and frustration. He could take my identity from me, my self worth, my friendship – but now the past was being altered. And Sarah knew he was intentionally or unintentionally misremembering how this had all started seven years ago. Those had been my years. Zack had written those letters to me. He had sang in my ear. It had been me! And she had gone along with it when he talked to her about it – she had knowingly pretended that it wasn't me that had all happened to. She knew perfectly well the truth. I remembered on the phone, going long back to the dim age of fifteen when I had asked Sarah if she would take my place with Zack if she could – and all the things he said to me had been to her instead. She had said yes. She had said yes. I couldn't believe it. I never forgot that moment, but seven years on and I thought we were done with that. Had this been the plan all along – all the way since high school? Who knew that this would be playing itself out in reality seven years later. As hideous as it all was, it felt poetically to absurd for what little things we had said and done in school to be mangling our adult lives.

There were so many ugly new realities coming to light at once while I sat there. I continued to slouch in a ball and hold my face. Zack wouldn't stop talking. I wanted to ask him specific detailed questions, but I also wished he would just shut the fuck up. He wasn't overly concerned with my emotional state. He was mostly excited to talk about his views. I tried to tell Zack that it was me that he wrote letters to, but he dismissed what I was saying. And why not? Him and Sarah both had me pegged as their child-servant. I wasn't to be taken seriously. Then Zack started saying something that hit me with disgust. It's probably the grossest thing anyone has ever seriously said to me, and for what it's worth, in that moment, fifty percent of the love I had for Zack mysteriously dissolved in me. I felt like shit, but never again would I take him seriously. He had gone too far.

What he said to me was something along the lines of the idea he had in his mind that my father and I were soulmates and should be together. It was disgusting. I mean, it was too absurd to even take seriously, which only somehow made it more gross – because Zack meant it. I had thought Zack was my friend. It would have been laughable, if only I hadn't taken Zack so seriously up to that point. It wasn't even in consideration of my father and me that I felt foul about what he had said. A statement like that is laughable at best in the context of a joke. Zack wasn't making some Freudian observation. He was honestly idealizing some disastrously sick scenario where my father and I got married and Sarah and him got married – like on the same day or something. I think it goes without saying that my father would both have laughed and called Zack a sick fuck. What grossed me out about it was just how sick Zack had to be for that even to cross his mind. Did he understand anything? Like, did he get that my father was a parent and I was a child? Or that incest is messed up? What part of life was he missing to think that saying something of that nature was acceptable. Sarah's betrayal aside – the whole heartbroken part of it, even Zack's drug addiction laid to the wayside as well as my leftover feelings, the idea that Sarah would give so much up for an idiot who would think that the solution to my life was that I get romantic with my own dad made me feel more than anything, a deep seated embarrassment for even knowing who Zack was at all, and an even deeper seated embarrassment on Sarah's behalf. Because she was the one now who had really given herself over. I had been timidly trying to accept what Zack had put on the table these last weeks – trying to find the right way to take it all in before I decided to sell out entirely, but Sarah had been lunging into her wallet and throwing down big money before she even knew what it was she was buying. We had both been foolish for sure, but Sarah was by far the biggest idiot. Even while I felt hurt and broken, I could see that now immediately.

It was hard to believe that Sarah could actually be a bigger idiot than me. My misgivings had made some sense all along. There was some relief to know that at least one part of me hadn't been crazy after all. I had just been confused because I had assumed Sarah would have been reacting differently to our circumstances. But where I was sensing where this was heading even when I wasn't cognitively able to comprehend it all, Sarah was totally blind. And it was here where I started to see Sarah a little differently. Sarah wasn't all she was cracked up to be. I had underestimated myself and overestimated her capacity to see that deeply. Yes, she was charming, quick witted and despite all the horrors at hand, could be selfless (it was hard to recall those times now that I knew what I was dealing with). But she couldn't see Zack for what he was. The messed up thing about me was that I had seen Zack for what he was and I hadn't flinched like I should have. Maybe my emotional pain tolerance was high. Maybe there were things about Zack's less than stellar character that I was amused by and intrigued by. Even through the psychological issues I had been having, I must have enjoyed the self awareness and duplicity of my circumstances. In any case, in three weeks time I was seeing Zack somewhat clearly – which doesn't bode well for my psychological well being but I wasn't fooling myself either. To a degree I had even come to face that Zack was not the boy I had been in love with in high school. It wasn't a pleasant reality, but I had faced it. The biggest embarrassment would be trying to explain myself. I knew my reasons and my feelings. I knew myself well enough to know that if Sarah and my roles were reversed, I wouldn't have sold Sarah out like she had done me.

But with Sarah, she saw Zack as someone else entirely. She thought herself invisible. She thought she could fix Zack overnight. She believed what Zack told her at face value. If he said something she didn't like, she pretended she hadn't heard it. She was living in denial. When my feelings conflicted with her feelings she had decided to dismiss me even – her very best friend – as I had become an inconvenience to her. There was something embarrassingly weak about all of that. Desperate, ugly, and stupid. She didn't even try to sort through the conflict or come to any sort of conclusion or acceptance. She ran from herself in fear and when something didn't go her way she denied all of it. And when reality didn't pan out the way she wanted it to, when she had run from any and all sense of responsibility for her lack of responsibility she would rather cut herself loose than admit she had done anything wrong. Even in admitting she had done something wrong, it felt more like a second rate infomercial performance version of a real apology – something she knew would look good if she did so she could get it over with. She couldn't actually be vulnerable with herself to even process any of it enough to give a convincing or meaningful understanding apology. She had no realization of her own self. It didn't come from the heart. Sarah might have been prettier than me, funnier, more functional in society – a lot of good can be said of Sarah that could not be said of me. But there was something really fucked up about that lack of genuine self curiosity, something messed up about someone who would stab their best friend in the back and not even admit to themselves that they did it, and I wondered how far that personality flaw of hers would drag her down.

I was still crying by the time we got to the Zany's parking lot. The sun had set, but there was an ominous red and orange hue in the horizon that faded into the black of the sky beyond the mall parking lot and the Lewiston hills in the distance. I was shaking all over. I had never felt this way before, even with all the weird feelings I had grown accustomed to. Everything about my body was pained. There was a need to self destruct, but there was also something liberating in my spirit. I am sure I looked a mess, and I didn't even care if Zack saw me like this at all. I was done with him. I had feelings for him still, but I realized something about love in that moment. I didn't love Zack. It had been something. It had been intense. It had brought out the realization that I hadn't entirely gotten over him. But love? It wasn't love. Maybe I had never been truly in love before. I wasn't connecting with Zack at all. At times I had even felt repelled by him but didn't know how to comprehend it. Zack sure as hell didn't love me. I doubted he loved Sarah. This whole thing was selfish and stupid – on everyone's part. I wanted out. If Sarah actually loved Zack, I honestly felt sorry for her. That must suck.

It seemed like such a sick joke all playing itself out the way it had. I had romanticized the idea of Zack for years. I literally had a pile of poetry and handwritten confessions about him sitting in a box in my closet. And it all meant nothing. I had been in love with a ghost. I would have been better off falling in love with a physical object. Zack didn't care about me. If he had cared about me in high school then why didn't he seek me out? And if I had loved him so much, why had I been too afraid to find him? Clearly I hadn't love him enough to step out of my comfort zone. Real love requires that – without question. I had been uncomfortable most certainly, but that didn't mean that I had been drawn out of my comfort zone. There was a distinct difference. I had confused nostalgia for love. It was a terrible mistake, and I vowed never to do that again.

We waited for Sarah to get out of Zany's in the car. She eventually scuffled out of the building as some other workers locked the door behind her. She looked at the car and then down. She didn't want to look at me. She knew what she had done, and was going to continue on doing. I didn't know how I felt looking at her either honestly. I hadn't even processed enough to be angry. My thoughts and feelings were shambolic. I wished desperately that I could be a new person. This life wasn't going well so far. I thought very seriously about leaving. I didn't have what it took I knew but leaving at this point was the only thing that made any sense. Leaving Allison behind would be the hardest, but who's to say I couldn't find her later and bring her with me? Realistically though – it couldn't happen for me. I didn't have the social skills, the knowledge, and probably most importantly the money or the job experience to just get on a bus and leave to a new city. I thought momentarily about leaving for Spokane – staying a year there and then moving onto Seattle, somewhere new. But unfortunately, it was and forever more would be just a dream at this point. I couldn't escape this life. I couldn't escape the skin I was in. If I ran my family would try and find me. It was also in this moment that it became more clear to me the social and emotional implications of having money. If I were rich, I could have gotten through this already. With enough money, theoretically I could escape. I could get the help I needed. I would never have to look at Sarah blank guilty defeated stare or Zack's ugly mug ever again if I didn't want to. But realistically, as much as I didn't want to admit it, Sarah was still the best option I had of getting 'out'. Whatever 'out' even meant anymore. It seems like even when you fought and fought you were still in it.

Zack jumped out of the car to meet Sarah as she was approaching her car. They talked in the parking lot by where he had parked his car, as I stayed in Sarah's car. She and Zack held each other closely. They were having the 'serious' talk about what to do with me. Zack had been instructed to deal with me I guess, to tell me all that he had. Sarah had been too afraid to do it herself. She didn't want to deal with me anymore. She wanted to deal with me through Zack. She wanted to see the version of me that Zack saw, the one that was their back seat bitch or whatever. I knew we would be talking about it soon though. I would be getting in the car with Sarah. Zack was going back to Kendrick in his car. At this point I didn't even know what I was doing. Did it even matter? Sarah and Zack lingered outside for twenty lousy minutes with what can only be describes as self-important cooings towards one another. I sat there silently looking at them, trying not to look at them but at the same time letting myself see the dynamics for what they were.

Eventually Sarah got in the car. I ended up exploding in tears. I had held a lot back for the few hours it had taken for Zack to explain the situation to me. Sarah I could tell felt really bad. I couldn't process that Sarah had betrayed me, what with her being so sympathetic. It was sympathy I should have rejected. If this happened to me I would have ghosted her and Zack both. It was the weak kind of sympathy that wouldn't do me any good. I couldn't reject her though. I was in shock and I wasn't strong enough. As bad as this all was, I reasoned that she was still better for me than my parents. She meant me more well than my father -surely I thought that had to be the case. I couldn't accept she had done this to me. I began to go over the ways it might have been my fault. I had been too needy too emotional. I took and took and there wasn't a lot I could give. I was a bad friend. I had been an emotional disaster all winter. I couldn't even get through a job interview I was so pathetic. I was nothing but a big useless baby. I didn't deserve to be mad at her. If anything she deserved to be mad at me. I reasoned that she had every right to take Zack away from me. He was never mine to begin with. Zack had told me in the car several times, whatever was mine was now his. Maybe he was right. Maybe Sarah deserved to take whatever she wanted from me. Maybe if I gave her more then this whole ugly thing would stop.

Sarah took in my sobbing and my babbling about who deserved what. She was reaching for some excuse for her actions, any excuse really. I think she was tempted to buy in with the idea that I owed her – if it shone a redeeming light on her in some way. She seemed lost. I asked her how it had all happened.

She explained to me in as much clarity as possible. The second Zack had looked at her when he went up the steps, she had immediately become infatuated with him. She denied it at first, thinking she could control her own emotions, mine, and his. She realized this spelled the sudden death of whatever fragment of a relationship she still had left with Alex. There was nothing left between them. All of this she was going to ignore however, until the day that I had the dream about our friendship. She was constantly stressed out about me. That was very sincere. She wanted nothing more than for me to get a job and get the hell away from my family. It had been front and foremost on her thoughts. She had found Zack and wanted to talk to him about her stress. I imagine she felt lonely in a sense. Sure she had me, but who could she rely on when she was feeling lost?

Zack had comforted her, and patted her on the back. He told her 'everything's gonna be fine'. And I guess she had so readily needed some kind of affirmation – some basic comforting, that she suddenly had decided she would give everything up in her life to be with him. He told her then that he had feelings for her, and that he felt 'their hearts were tied'. Sarah and him agreed to date, just as soon as she formally broke up with Alex and told him the truth – which she then did, and they could figure out that pesky inconvenient little fact that I had feelings for Zack and jumping into this relationship like she had wanted to would be a betrayal of our friendship, which I guess then transformed me into some kind of snag in her unstable need to rush into a new relationship just as soon as she could. And I guess from there they decided to turn me into the family dog to discredit my entire reality. And now apparently, I owed everything to them. The logic wasn't sound – but it was the logic of the group. It was the page we had all turned to.

I went to Sarah's house that night. I cried myself to sleep on the living room floor. I woke up feeling weird. On one hand, I felt a great and odd sense of relief. Zack was no longer my problem. I hadn't been able to admit it to myself, but the prospects of feeling like Zack was my keep, that his addiction issues and his behavior were somehow something that I needed to work with or tie myself with were over. Sure, I guess in his mind I was still the little slave person to him and Sarah or whatever, but I felt that to me he had dismissed me from ever getting or feeling entitled to be close to any of that if I didn't want to be. I didn't feel like there was anything I had to honor. It was all Sarah's problem. Secondly, at least I knew now. At least I hadn't been half as crazy as I thought I had been. The feelings and thoughts I had had were grounded in something. I felt all kinds of terrible, but I wasn't making things up. I was just extremely sensitive. Third, even though I felt like a lot of things had run their coarse – there had been a loss of innocence with me in this situation, I now felt more compelled then ever to better myself. Whatever this thing was that I was feeling, these conflicted feelings of anger, hurt, bittersweet happiness, remorse, a loss of friendship, emotional alienation and distance, skepticism, misunderstanding and mistrust and now a growing sense of wisdom, I now knew I could grow from it all. I could make lemonade if I had to. I survived. I felt released from a spell. For the first time in my young life, I could finally really let go of everything and everyone around me and simply be. There was nobody in my way from being out in the world. I could experience it all without having to carry anything on my shoulders.

My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-80 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far).

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-90

#text #Life story #long text #writing

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