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brinaedwards · 3 years

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Honey, I think We F*$#@# Up the Kids

The thing about this class that is really awesome is the fact that I can take a day to myself, watch movies and still call it homework. Euphoria took me a couple days of binge watching but still, it was nice to relax and take in films that I would have never watched on my own. Some I enjoyed like MID90's, some I did not, KIDS. Like I said in my last post, I would not want to watch that film again. I have no real reason as to why not other than the fact I just did not enjoy watching it. Well the scene where Capser sucks kool-aid out of a tampon, yeah that could be a reason why not to watch it again.Everything else was really good though, then again I could watch The Breakfast Club all the time.

As a common theme of these posts I have a list of questions that I am required to answer next to me. After watching these films/tv shows, the character that I identified with most is a combination of characters. Specifically from Euphoria because honesty that show is pretty close to society today. Kat is someone I can easily relate to because when I was in High School, I was very much overweight. I never noticed it because I was surrounded by friends that didn’t make me feel overweight. Like Kat, those friends were really skinny and included me in things like going out and having a good time. I forgot what year but sometime during high school I met a kid who I fell head over heels for, similar to how Jules fell for “Tyler”. However, I wasn’t catfished or anything like that but I was very manipulated by this dude, let's call him “Tyller #2”. . We were never together but I was like his side chick in a way. Similar to Jules, “Tyler #2” convinced me to do things that I would never think of doing but being in a vulnerable state at the time, it was easy for him to take advantage of certain situations. For the first time I was very conscious of my weight, and tried all the dieting techniques out there and none of it worked. I eventually ended up being with someone else who actually made me happy and confident. But “Tyler #2” got under my skin again and I eventually broke up with the dude I was with under the false promise of being with “Tyler #2”. For years I was under this man-child's thumb and like Kat I spiraled, desperate to try and find myself. I would confide in friends and they would tell me to get away from this dude but I never listened. This kept going on for years. I ended up becoming friends with some not so great people because of it. Thankfully I got away before anything super awful happened. But back to “Tyler #2”. It was about a year into college that I got over “Tyler #2”, and that's because I woke up one day. I will never forget this but I remember him saying to me, “Maybe you should lower your standards and then you can get a guy”. I don’t know why that hit me so hard but in that moment I came to this realization that I shouldn't have to lower my standards for anyone, if anything I need to raise them. And that is exactly what I did.I blocked “Tyler #2” from all my social media, and when he called me out on it one day I looked at him and said “you are a disgusting, sad piece of shit”. After that moment I felt free. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I ended up losing a lot of weight and gained confidence back in myself. I found someone who exceeded my standards and I've been with him for three years now. I haven't seen or spoken to “Tyler #2” for a long time and I hope to keep it that way. There are things I know he has done to girls he was with, things that should have gotten him charged with assault but, of course nothing could ever be proven. That's why I can identify with Kat, Jules and come to think of it, even Maddy.

I guess that goes into the themes these films/tv shows portray in youth. Abuse, Social Pressure and Sex. When I would watch things like this around my parents or brothers when I was younger, they always gave me a look of shock and disbelief. As if things like that don’t happen in today's world or ever happened. And of course when trying to explain to them that things like that happen, they get defensive or even a bit disappointed that issues were never brought up. I think that’s because things like this aren’t easy to explain, it's more than words can explain. A lot of it has to do with social pressures today, I mean social pressures such as the pressures of getting good grades, meeting parental expectations, peer pressure and massive world pressure that is being forced on us today. Euphoria didn’t go too much into detail of social pressure as much as it did with abuse and sex but The Breakfast Club on the other hand oozed it. For example, characters such as Claire, Andrew and Brian each went through their own pressures. For Brian he is pressured by his mother to get good grades no matter what, eventually the pressure of failing a class was too much for him and he brought a gun into the school. Yes it was a flare gun but the principle is there. In an article from the Pew Research Center, a study showed that “61% of teens today feel pressure to get good grades” That alone can cause anyone to go off the edge not to mention the public expectations put on youth, for example, Andrew having to win and prove to his father that he is cool. And how Claire values what her friends would think if they knew she wanted to be friends with the others. All those things are sometimes built up in one person and it's absolutely terrifying. The Guardian article on how Euphoria captures teen melancholy briefly mentions how we are a generation of school shooter drills. (I don’t know if that is meant as a description of how we are as a generation but that's not the point of trying to make). What I am trying to get across is that social pressure placed on youth today is scary, especially since there was a time where every few weeks there was a school shooting. I don’t want to get into gun laws because that is a long post for another day. I just want to get into the mentality of it all because The Breakfast Club highlights an important issue to mental health and what kids even now go through.

I remember being in highschool and my school had a serious shooter threat. My parents still sent me to school because they felt that nothing would happen. Nothing did but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t absolutely terrified. I did not attend any classes that day, instead I stayed in the band room that day because if anything were to happenI could hide in a cubby or run out the back door. Even more recently a few years back when SUNY Orange got a shooter threat, I didn’t even go and neither did a lot of people.

I am so thrilled that mental health awareness is something that is being recognized and taken seriously. The stigma behind needing therapy and vocalizing feelings needs to end, especially the stigma of gender roles. Abuse is a theme that is presented in all the films/tv shows watched this week. The Breakfast Club shows insight on domestic physical abuse through John, Euphoria gets more into the psychological, emotional, physical and self abuse that teens go through. This theme especially is something that needs to become more recognized and addressed. Abuse is not just physical, it is mental and emotional. Nate abuses both mentally and physically by using Jules as duct tape to make problems go away by black mailing her. With Maddy he uses his control physically, verbally assaulting her about how she dresses, oh the list can go on and on.

Sex is a common theme in all the films/tv shows this week and that is something that every teen goes through. At that age your body goes through changes and it’s only natural that it is explored. In todays world sex is not much of a taboo like it was for our parents. But at the same time I feel that it is. When I was in highschool sex was not talked about. It was mentioned once in health class but that was it. No one went into detail, there was no explanation about stds, how females need to check for things, the list goes on. KIDS was a film that went into sex way more than all the other films/tv shows. It highlighted the horrors of unprotected sex, such as contracting HIV. As much as I disliked this film it is one that needs to be seen. The lectures talk about the “Disneyfication” of things today but it's that way of thinking that is hurting the youth of today. I can understand that parents don’t want their kids going through such trama at a young age, but if they are not being taught properly, not being educated they are going to find out on their own. Any issues kids face today parents right it off as a “part of growing up” but when your kid doesn't know what a condom is, or how to properly use birth control what do you expect is going to happen when the daughter is pregnant or the son has an std? That is not a part of growing up, that is just pure negligence on the parents and teachers. I could really go way into more of a rant but I feel that a topic like this needs its own blog and this one is already long af. Here are links to videos that I watched that go more into detail about education today. I promise they are not that long.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Yt6raj-S1M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnC6IABJXOI

Long story short, abuse, social pressure and sex are themes that kids face on a daily basis. It’s amazing that there are shows out there like Euphoria or films such as KIDS and The Breakfast Club to make it known that this is real. The world is a scary place, but that does not mean censoring that bad stuff. It means that the youth need to be prepared for a shit world, and if they’re not shown or educated about things before the fact then honey, I think we f*$#@# up the kids.

To make this whole post a little lighter let's just talk about the music, the Euphoria soundtrack was all of today's music, which if you listen to half of them its all about getting laid and doing drugs. Sort of on theme of the show don’t you think?For MID90’s the soundtrack fitted the “skater” “punk” theme. A soundtrack is something that can spark a memory, make it feel relatable. Take you back to a time where you had a similar experience. For example, certain songs I listen to take me back to when I used to be at Billy Joes in Newburgh line dancing, getting wasted and then eating pancakes at the Alexis Diner. It makes me think of what kind of playlist would describe my adolescence. Oof, well isn’t that a trip down memory lane.

I grew up listening to metal, my brothers have their own metal band, so I would be the only toddler sitting on the amps coloring not giving a shit about all the grimey people in the audience haha. It would be only fitting that my playlist would consist of metal & rock. However, as I got older I enjoyed pop songs and a couple edm mixes. My list would probably be:

Fame - David Bowie

ARTPOP - Lady Gaga

Bring Me to Life - Evanescence

Everytime We Touch - Cascada

Evil Angel - Breaking Benjamin

Forest - System of a Down

Hype - NEFFEX

My Curse - Killswitch Engage

Nightmare - Avenged Sevenfold

Shout 2000 - Disturbed

https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/my-adolescents/pl.u-8aAVVgafjg0W9A

These would be songs I would listen to non-stop as teen in middle school/ high school. “Fame” is a song that just makes me dance. I mean who doesn’t love a good David Bowie song right? “ARTPOP” is something that brings me back to when me and my uncle went to NYC to see Lady Gaga at the opening of H&M. “Bring Me to Life” is a song that honestly, all kids that are exploring metal/rock come across, the same is said for “Nightmare” and “My Curse”. “Hype” and “Everytime We Touch” takes me back to when I used to go to parties. I don’t know why but these were songs that would be on, I think because everyone was probably too drunk to care. “Shout 2000” is a song that my brother introduced me to, he would have this specific Distrubed album playing non stop and im sure thats why the CD got all scratched up. Ahh the days of CD’s, I feel that I’m part of the generation that saw the last of those things. “Evil Angel” is a song that I played all the time on my ipod. Breaking Benjamin was the best band I ever heard and when I got the chance to see them live it was amazing! As for “Forest”, well, System of A Down has such a chaotic, emotional style that you can’t just help but to headbang to their songs. This was always one of my favorites. As I got older my music taste has expanded to musicals, classical, pop, jazz, kind of every genre but country haha. Sorry country.

WORK CITED

“The Sadness of Euphoria: How the Show Captures Teen Melancholy.” The Guardian, Guardian News and Media, 25 June 2019, www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2019/jun/25/the-sadness-of-euphoria-how-the-show-captures-teen-melancholy.

Horowitz, Juliana Menasce, and Nikki Graf. “Most U.S. Teens SEE Anxiety, Depression as Major Problems.” Pew Research Center's Social & Demographic Trends Project, Pew Research Center, 30 May 2020, www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/02/20/most-u-s-teens-see-anxiety-and-depression-as-a-major-problem-among-their-peers/.

O'Keeffe, Gwenn Schurgin, et al. “The Impact of Social Media on Children, Adolescents, and Families.” American Academy of Pediatrics, American Academy of Pediatrics, 1 Apr. 2011, pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/127/4/800.

TEDxTalks, director. YouTube, YouTube, 2 May 2014, www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnC6IABJXOI.

TEDxTalks, director. YouTube, YouTube, 6 Feb. 2015, www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Yt6raj-S1M.

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wroughtbetwixtfanfic · 5 years

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Stamped Into Memory, Ch 3.

Fandom: The Society.

Summary: Campbell’s just trying to survive in the new world. He knows he can make it– it’s everyone else he’s worried about.

Rating: Mature.

Tags: Major Character Death, Canon Divergence, Mental Health Issues, Family Issues, Substance Abuse, Slow Burn, Dubcon Kissing, Romantic Friendship, Mild Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, Unhealthy Relationships, Canonical Character Death, Fix-It, implied animal death, the dog lives, Antisocial Personality Disorder, ASPD, Campbell has mild ASPD and is actively trying to not be awful

Word Count: 5417

Ch 1 || Ch 2 || AO3

Death had a way of changing things. Harry actually came out of his room to get dinner. They watched a movie together, with Campbell between them; Elle snuggled against his side, not seeing that Harry was gripping Campbell's hand tightly under the big blanket they shared. Elle slept in Campbell's bed that night, her face pressed against his arm and her arms tangled around him. They were frightened. All Campbell could do was let them cling to him as much as they wanted; it helped them feel safer, reassured, and he drank up the attention.

The next day, they all received texts at breakfast. There was to be a meeting at the church, with Allie speaking to the wayward congregation. So, Grizz and his band of merry folk had managed to persuade her. Everyone was whispering in speculation as they shifted around in the church pews. Maybe they caught Cassandra's killer, one teen suggested. Ridiculous. If the killer had been caught, everyone would know already. The doors of the church opened as Allie came down the aisle, flanked by the guard. She stood at the podium, head high and shoulders back. She had a flare of something Cassandra didn't have, that Campbell couldn't put his finger on right out of the gate. Whatever it was, it gave Allie the nerve to she needed to speak. "In the name of my sister, I'm taking over the responsibility of keeping us all safe. Of reinstating and enforcing the rules that she established. All the things that made this place work." Her voice was clear, loud, as she glanced around the room. "Is there anyone who objects?" Harry glanced to Campbell. Campbell said nothing. No one did. Just as Campbell thought, everyone was willing to let Allie take control. "Okay," Allie continued. "New work lists will be posted this afternoon. Starting immediately, I'm going to be confiscating all guns. Every last one." Helena let out a shout of protest. "You can't do that!" Allie looked at Helena, eyes cold. "I can, and I will. We don't need them. All they're good for is getting people killed. I'm not gonna let what happened to my sister happen to anyone else." And that was that. No voting, unanimous or otherwise. Allie walked back out, leaving everyone else still whispering, and more than a few people fuming. Campbell sat and listened. Watched. Took note of who was angry. Helena stormed out, mouth twisted in rage; Campbell had never seen her quite so mad before, though it figured that Sister Christian was a gun lover. That seemed to be how things went-- thou shall not murder, unless the fucker deserves it. The only thing thicker than their Bibles were their hypocrisy. But whatever, it'd get some weapons off the street. And, hopefully, make people less on edge. Campbell didn't see much of his old friends, the precious few he'd had, but Elaine told him at lunch that she'd heard the shooting yesterday had been some fool dropping a gun. A ban would help lower the chances of that, anyways. Too bad the damage had already been done. Sure, nothing had actually happened, but their generation had grown up with active shooter drills and news of school shootings plastered everywhere more times than anyone could count; Cassandra's death had brought the idea home to roost. The mood in the cafeteria was low, with everyone glancing around and jumping at every little sound. Someone dropped a tray, and a few kids started crying. Campbell walked to Allie's house after lunch, stopping by his own home first to fetch the gun he stole from Harry's mother. It was the best gesture of good will he had to offer. Not that he expected it to work; Allie was stubborn, and never forgot a slight. It would either make her a good figurehead or a terrible one. They'd find out soon enough. The asshole sitting in front of her home's door didn't fill Campbell with much hope. Clark was sitting on the steps. When he saw Campbell coming, he stood up and blocked Campbell's path. "Hey, nobody comes in without approval. What do you want?" "I need to talk to Allie." "Stop." Clark made a spinning motion with his finger, a smug look on his face. "Turn around and put your hands on your head." Campbell wanted to kick the guy in the junk, but he grit his teeth and did as he was ordered. He jumped, though, when Clark's hands were on him without warning. A pat down. "Seriously?" he snapped. This was the kind of shit Allie was choosing to put in charge of the rules. "What are you doing?" Clark took the gun and dangled it. "Could ask you the same. What the fuck, man?" "That's why I'm here, asshole. Allie didn't give us a place to turn them in, so I brought it here to hand over. I didn't know there was gonna be a fucking TSA check." "Keep your hands on your head." "You gonna pull out the handcuffs next, officer?" Clark-- still smirking-- led him into the house. Allie entered the front room a few seconds after, glaring at Campbell the minute she noticed him. Clark held out the gun to Allie. "Found this on him. He wanted to see you." "I came here to turn it in," Campbell repeated. "Is this really necessary, Allie? We're cousins." Allie took the gun and shrugged. "That doesn't mean anything, now. Everyone's a suspect until the killer, and anyone who helped them, is caught." "Look, you're in the right. This situation is fucked up, and I agree that none of us need guns. I'm on your side here, just like I was on Cassandra's side." "This is the gun you threatened her with before. Isn't it?" "Jesus christ, Allie, I didn't threaten her. The gun was empty. It was a ploy to see who stood with Cassandra and who didn't. She knew that. I did the shit I did to help her, not hurt her." "Would you do the same for me?" An interesting question. Campbell met Allie's eyes, trying to get a read on her thoughts. She wasn't like Cassandra; she wore her emotions right on her face, including contempt. "What Cassandra and I had going only worked because we trusted each other completely. Unless you're willing to do the same, I can't help you." "Right. Anything else?" Allie asked. "No." "Then go." Campbell was glad to leave. Allie had her little group, and she didn't have room for him in those ranks. That was fine. He didn't want to be there anyways, in case Allie drove things into the ground, but he worried about no longer having access to what was going on. Cassandra had always tried to keep him in the loop. Except Sam would know, wouldn't he? It was a good excuse for Campbell to make up with his brother, when he wouldn't allow himself an excuse before. Of course he wanted to keep his distance, but well, if it was to get information about their dear leader, surely it would be okay to go for a walk or get same re-reheated tater tots together. Campbell traveled to the edge of town, overlooking the railroad tracks. He remembered their first night there, and how he'd seen Cassandra afraid for the first time in so, so long. Of course she'd stumbled a little at first, but she'd bounced back and returned to her iron-clad self in no time. She'd always seemed so indomitable, like their own personal Boudicca. He wanted Allie to be that, now that Cassandra was gone. Political intrigue was never Campbell's thing. It would be best if Allie could just grow up and take her place as their new leader, and find a way to return the order to the town. But what if she didn't? There were plenty of good people in town, but what if they didn't want to try? He sat on the ground, leaning his head against the bars of the bridge and closing his eyes. "You should still be here," Campbell spoke to the air. "You should still be here with me." If he held still enough, if he slowed his breathing enough, Campbell could imagine that he felt Cassandra's hand resting on his. He could imagine that he felt her next to him, could almost hear her soft breathing. How long he was there, he didn't know, but it started to get cool and the sky began to get darker. The sound of bang in the distance-- a car backfiring, probably-- jerked him out of his meditative stillness. His eyes opened and revealed the truth. He was alone. She wasn't there, and never had been, but it had been a welcome illusion all the same. Campbell went home, walking faster than usual just in case the backfire wasn't a backfire at all. The house was dimly lit, and Campbell could hear a faint sound coming from the kitchen; when he rounded the corner, he was greeted by the sight of Harry, who was sitting on the floor with a knife and hyperventilating. Fuck. "Harry? Hey. It's me. What's going on?" Campbell tried to sound soothing, but it didn't seem to be working. He made his voice a little sharper. "Harry." That, Harry reacted to. He snapped his head up, eyes wide. "I heard a bang." "It was a car. You're okay." "A car?" "Yeah. Backfire." "Oh." Harry sucked in a breath and let out a shuddering sigh. He set the knife on the floor and stood, wrapping his arms around himself. "You were gone. You've been gone all day. I came out to look for you, and then I heard that. I thought..." Campbell shook his head. "I'm fine. I just needed to clear my head." "How could I know that?" "Text me?" "I did. You didn't answer." "I've kept my phone on vibrate since that shit went down at the cafeteria, just in case. I must have missed it. I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean to make you worry." Harry was a little unsteady, but he wobbled over to Campbell and threw his arms around his neck. Campbell almost complained, but then Harry's lips were brushing against his ear. "You could have been hurt that day," he said, voice low and husky. "Or worse. I've been scared fucking shitless since. If I lose you, I don't know what I'll do." "I'm fine. Takes more than some jackoff with a peashooter to bring me down." "Stop it. Just, stop. Stop making everything a joke." "Harry, really. I'm fi--" His words were cut off as Harry took Campbell's face between his hands and pressed their lips together in a hard, fast kiss. It was over before Campbell could even realize what was happening; Harry stumbled back, covering his mouth and shame in his eyes. They didn't speak. Harry just hurried back to his room, shutting the door behind him. Campbell stood there, touching his lips with his fingers. His heart fluttered and fuck, fuck, fuck. Elle. What was he going tell her? She needed to know. Didn't she? But what could he tell her? He couldn't out Harry. Campbell moved into the kitchen and picked up the knife, putting it into the dishwasher and slamming the door shut. Goddamn it. He hunched over the sink and tried not to feel sick. He was used to anger, and by now he had adjusted to the reality of grief, but this was something else. Not direct at Harry, but at himself. Enough to make him nauseous, even though it was distant and numb. Some sour, terrible thing. Fear. But then the door clicked open and shut as Elle came home from her work shift at the cafeteria. Meal prep, again. She yawned as she shuffled into the kitchen and grabbed a reused water bottle from the fridge. "Hey. It's almost dinner time. Ready to go?" "I..." Campbell ran his tongue across his lips, swallowing hard and forcing a smile. "Yeah. I'm ready to go when you are. Just gotta run to the bathroom." "Alright. I'll go get Harry, then." Campbell nodded and make a hasty exit. For a good five minutes he argued with himself about taking one of the pills in the cabinet. It would be so much easier to just feel nothing, but what good would that do, in the end? He was already fucked up enough without making matter worse. By the time he came back out, they were waiting for him on the porch, talking and laughing like they were actually friends. And maybe they were, but that only complicated matters. With Harry grinning like that and joking around, it was easy to forget what had happened; it was easy to forget how much was going on underneath that charming smile. Still, Campbell knew those mannerisms and knew that heart, and he knew when Harry glanced at him that Harry was scared, too. He'd fucked up. They'd fucked up. At least there was something to talk about, to keep Elle distracted. "So," she said as he took Campbell's hand. "I talked to a few people about an idea I had." "Yeah? What about?" "I thought maybe it'd be nice to have a movie night once a week. You know, get people out of the house. Something nice to look forward to." Campbell gave her hand a little kiss. The idea of being stuck in a room with a bunch of people, in the dark, made him want to gag but there was a hopeful little glimmer in Elle's eyes that he refused to squash. "It's a great idea." "Would you go with me?" "Sure. Yeah, of course." She seemed happy, and that was all he wanted. Things had been so off between them since Cassandra's death; maybe she'd finally tuned out the assholes who'd been accusing him of being involved. Not that it'd matter, if she found out about Harry kissing him and left. If she didn't leave, of course Harry would have to. The miserable look on Harry's face that night during work said that Harry knew that, too. "Are we gonna talk about it?" Campbell asked when they were alone, scrubbing the floors of the cafeteria. "At all?" "Do I really have a choice?" "No." Harry sighed, shoving the mop back into the bucket. "So then tell her, okay? I'm sick of pretending like I don't have these feelings. Maybe it's easy for you, but it's not for me." "You think this is easy for me?" "Isn't it?" "Oh, right. Campbell Eliot, the first known man to exist without a heart. How could I have forgotten?" "That's not what I--" Tossing down the ice scraper he was using to pop gum off from under the tables, Campbell stood and turned to face Harry. "This has never been easy for me. My family thought I was a monster. I've been in love with you the whole time I've known you, and had to watch you go and fuck damn near everyone in town, including the cousin who hates me. The one person who really understood me is dead, and now the only person I've ever loved who actually seemed to like me back gives me weird looks because people told her I'm a murderer. But sure, Harry. Sure, this is easy for me." "I'll leave," Harry said after a long moment. "I'll go back to my house. "No, you won't. I know there are people in this town who are struggling, and I know you're one of them. That shithole is going to end up killing you. I'm not letting you go back. We're gonna shut the fuck up and deal with this like grown ups." "We're not grown up, Campbell. Not really." "Then we're gonna have to fucking pretend." Campbell pick up the scraper and went back to work, venting his frustration out on the cafeteria tables. Harry was right about one thing. They were 18. Some of the teens in town were just barely 16. They were all trying to be adults, when they shouldn't have had to try so hard yet. People like Will had been trying for a lot longer, Campbell knew. But now, now it was everyone, and many of them were flailing in the uncharted waters. It was only a matter of time before some of them went under. Campbell refused for one of them to be Harry. But that didn't mean Campbell knew what to do next. They walked home in silence, but Harry stopped a block away, staring at the house. "Are you going to tell her?" "I'm not going to lie. Not to Elle." "It doesn't matter what you want, you know. She's going to make me leave. Even if she never says the words, she's going to find a way to push me out." "That's more something I'd do." "I know, Campbell. I know." Harry's eyes were almost black as he gazed at Campbell, a circle of golden lamplight burning around them. "Isn't that why you chose her?" Campbell didn't answer. He kept walking. Elle slept in his bed again that night; he kept trying to find the right point to say something, to bring it up, but there wasn't one. She was so excited about movie night that he couldn't bear to ruin her mood. And anyways, maybe it would be best to take a day to think about how to say it. Except one day turned into two, and two turned into three. They went to work and came home like everything was normal. Harry looked like he was waiting for an axe to come down on his neck. From what Campbell heard, most people turned over their guns within that time frame-- the ones they admitted they had. It didn't stop people from being on edge. The rumors of who killed Cassandra just kept getting worse and worse, and full conversations would often stop when Campbell walked by. Grizz didn't seem to mind; he kept up his end of the bargain, agreeing to meet Campbell at the old library a couple days a week. "Why do you think you have an anger issues?" Grizz wondered as they settled in the back. "I've heard a lot of things from a lot of people, but..." Campbell shrugged. "I was born wrong, I guess." "You believe that?" "Sometimes." Grizz drummed his fingers on the faded leather of the chair. "You know, when I was tiny, I didn't talk for a long time. I wasn't like other little kids. I hated being touched, I hated playing with others. My parents thought there was something wrong with me." Tilting his head, Campbell faintly recalled something he'd read during his online research. "Autism?" "Yeah." Grizz smiled a little. "But I don't feel like I was born wrong because of it, even if my family kinda made me feel that way." "Explains a lot of the nerdiness. I always thought that was cool." "It comes in handy sometimes. So what about you?" "Me? I've..." Campbell felt the words stick in his throat. "Does it matter?" "It could help, if you know. I won't pry it out of you, though." "All that's important here is that I lash out a lot. When I was a kid, I'd get upset and punch things, break things. Get hurt that way sometimes. I used to beat up jerks in school. I'd do drugs and drink. I mostly stopped but since Cassandra, I guess I've just lost it." "Right, well. That'd do it. Did your parents try to help you at all?" "Not really. My parents took me to some psych once, but then they pretended I was fine after that. They were good to Sam but I was the unruly pet. If I didn't behave they'd just swat me and yell at me to go to my room." "Wait." Grizz sat up straighter. "They hit you?" "It's whatever." Grizz shook his his. "Maybe that's what you've told yourself, but it's really not whatever. Even spanking and stuff can really fuck up how someone thinks. There's never an excuse to hit a kid, you know?" "I guess not, but they just got sick of my shit." "So? You didn't ask to be born. They're the ones who are supposed to teach you how to behave." There was a simmering anger in Grizz's tone, and Campbell shifted uncomfortably in his chair. No one had ever really expressed anger on his behalf before, not even Cassandra. It was just how life was for their family. "It just teaches kids to solve things through violence." "It must, because fuck knows that's how I solve things a lot of the time." "Right. Why did you lash out, though? If you don't want to hurt people, why do you?" Campbell frowned. "It's the only way people will listen, or leave me alone. I mean, I try not to do that much anymore, but sometimes I still end up yelling or punching walls and shit. I guess it still feels like people just don't care unless I make a scene." "That sounds like a stressful way to live." "It's why I'm here. I know it scares Elle, and I don't want to do that." "Of course not. Most people who have anger issues don't want to hurt the people around them, you know? I used to get really overwhelmed, and I'd get mean, too. It's because I just didn't have the right tools to figure out another way." "Tools?" "Yeah. Ways to keep yourself from getting overwhelmed, ways to communicate your needs effectively, ways to get the anger out without resorting to physical violence. That's what my middle school counselor told me." Campbell snorted. "Is that where you're getting your psychology information? Some middle aged guy named Greg with a french bulldog?" "Steve, actually, and it was a boston terrier." "Awesome." "But it makes sense, right?" "I guess. I don't really know how to communicate things sometimes, but I could always try harder. What do you do when you don't know what you're even feeling?" Grizz fiddled with a nearby book, running his fingers along the spine. "This would be a little easier if you told me what's going on, you know. If I knew what we were dealing with." "Can you still help me?" "If you're willing to let me." On one hand, the idea of someone who wasn't Cassandra dissecting his brain and telling him how he should behave chaffed at him, but isn't that what he needed, in a way? So Campbell nodded, and they got to work. They spent the better part of an hour going over materials Grizz's counselor had printed off; most of it seemed a little cheesy, but a few things struck a chord. How to detangle why he felt the need to yell or throw things, and figuring out how to address that root problem. Logically, he already knew the deep down issue, but it would be worth looking at directly rather than acknowledging it and then burying it again. Still, everything was about emotions, emotions, emotions. His were locked behind a few sheets of lead, a moat of alligators, and a barbed wire fence. "Do you mind if I hang onto these?" Campbell asked. It wasn't something he was going to figure out in a night. "I should get going, but I'd like to read over them later." "Yeah, go ahead." "Thank you." Grizz watched Campbell pack up, and walked with him to the library door. "Hey, Campbell? Can I say something?" "You already are." "Yeah, but..." Grizz trailed off. "I know you said you're doing this for Elle. But I think that sometimes, in order to really have a healthy relationship with someone else, you kind of have to start having a healthy relationship with yourself. So maybe do this for your own sake, too, yeah?" "You sound like Cassandra." "I'll take that as a pretty awesome compliment." "It was." Campbell was about to leave when he paused and glanced back at Grizz, eyeing him a bit. "By the way, my brother's into you, too. Go for it." "Really? I mean, I don't... what?" "You almost peed yourself in the car during Fugitive when I asked if you liked anyone. You'd only do that if you thought I'd be mad, and I'd only get mad about Sam or Elle. It wasn't Elle, so it must be Sam. Plus you two were being all awkward at Allie's house." "So... you're not mad?" "Nah, I'm not mad. Break his heart and I'll break your kneecap, though, Football Boy." Grizz blushed bright red and looked at the ground. "Yeah, I get it. See you in a few days." "See you." His good deed for the year was done; Sam could thank him later. Campbell strolled home a little slower than usual, giving himself time to think the meeting over. He didn't feel too different. Not that it was going to be some magical cure or anything, but he still felt... off. Wrong. There was, however, a part of him that felt a little lighter. Not better, but less smothered. Maybe it was worth it, after all. Hell. Maybe it would be possible to be honest with Grizz; he'd never told anyone besides Cassandra about his condition, not even Harry, but maybe Grizz would understand. And hopefully, that would be a step towards telling Elle. Elle was getting dressed when he got home; it was Saturday, one of the town's two days off and the designated movie night, and Elle was dressing a little glamorous. "Ready to go?" she asked as he come into the room. "Everyone voted on The Princess Bride." "I don't know. I feel a little underdressed next to you." She ducked her head and smiled. "Do you think it's too much?" "Not at all, beautiful. Here." Campbell set down his papers and helped Elle with the clasp of her necklace. He placed a little kiss to the name of her neck before letting her hair back down. "Let me go change my shirt real fast." "How about that soft black one?" "As you wish." It was the least he could do to look less frumpy. Elle peered at his papers while he rummaged through his clothes. She didn't say anything, but she did give him a bit of curious look at the left the house. Maybe it would have been good to talk about it, but he was busy trying to amp himself up to even go to the movie. The only reason he was going was for Elle. Not that he hated the movie, but he still hadn't gotten over the idea of being around everyone else. It wasn't so bad on the way over, but once they got close, Campbell felt his heart start to race. "What's wrong?" Elle asked as he ground to a halt outside the doors. "You look like you're gonna be sick." "Maybe you should go on without me. I think I should just go home." "Is it because there's too many people?" Bingo. Campbell tried to find the right words, but Elle leaned up and gave him a small kiss on the cheek. "If anyone says anything, I'll break their nose. Okay? Besides, Harry saved us the best seats." It didn't really help anything, but Campbell nodded and forced himself to go in. No one said anything, but they still shot him dirty looks. He bolted to where Harry was sitting, sinking into one of the chair as far as he could. Elle brought them popcorn and cans of soda. As the lights clicked off, Campbell felt some of his anxiety ease, though another thought began to nag at him halfway through the movie. What if the killer was in the room with them? What if they still had a gun? What if they never found the killer? They would just be walking free among everyone, and who knows if-- when-- they'd kill again. Thankfully the movie came to an end soon enough, and Campbell tried to escape. Not so thankfully, Elle was hanging behind and talking to Clark and some of the other folks. "I promised to stay behind and clean up," Elle said when Campbell tried to prod at her. "Why don;'t you go home and I'll catch up in a little bit?" Of course it wasn't okay, but he couldn't say it wasn't, because he was supposed to be supportive. "Yeah, yeah." He tried not to imagine Elle on the ground, covered in blood. "Sure. I'll see you soon." Harry, who had watched the exchange, pulled him aside before he made it out the door. "Do you want me to stay here with her? Keep an eye out?" "Would you?" "I wouldn't offer otherwise." Campbell wanted to say no, because like hell he wanted them anywhere near each other at the moment, but he nodded. "Thanks." Harry gave him a pat on the back, and Campbell took off at a brisk pace. He just needed to be away, in the quiet, alone. Just long enough to rest and recharge his batteries. Campbell hated that he had to walk by the street where Cassandra was killed, but it was the fastest way home; he was almost by it when he noticed movement out of the corner of his eye. A flash of light fabric. Campbell stopped and looked, but there was nothing and no one there. Not even that dog, the collie he hadn't seen or heard since that night. Whatever. Campbell walked quicker, locking the door behind him when he got home. He set to tidying up the house, trying to ignore the time. They'd be home when they were home, he told himself. That attitude changed after thirty minutes had gone by, and then forty-five. He texted them both, but there was no answer from either. Campbell made some tea and went upstairs to his bed, breathing slow and reminding himself that sometimes time got away with people. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Elle pranced up the stairs and kicked off her shoes. "Sorry we're late. We wanted to finish off the popcorn so it wouldn't go to waste, and suddenly it's way past curfew." "It's okay. I was just worried." Even to himself, his voice was tight. Aggravated. Campbell closed his eyes a moment and forced the irritation to the side. He followed her to the bathroom, bringing Elle her pajamas as she drew a bath. "Did you have fun?" "Yeah, I think so. I've never really talked to anyone that much before. Are you doing okay?" "I'm fine." "Are you sure? I just thought--" "Can we not talk about it right now?" Campbell interrupted. "It's just been a long night, and I don't want your water getting cold." "Oh. No, of course." Hopefully by the time Elle came back out, she'd have forgotten the whole thing and they could just pretend like it was a happy, fun night with no drama whatsoever. And, Campbell could admit, for the most part that was true. Most of the bad parts were entirely within his own head. Nothing bad had happened. Elle and Harry both returned safely. It was the thought of what could have happened that haunted him, and the fact that they hadn't come home when he'd expected. Combined with everything else, though, and it was a sickening cocktail of worry. Elle wandered in a bit later, arms crossed over her chest as she hovered in the doorway. "I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I know things have been tense, but I thought this would be good for us." "No, no, it is good for us." Closing the space between them, Campbell ran his hands lightly down Elle's arms. "I promised I'd keep you safe, you know? And it's just hard to do that when there's still some armed killer out there, and I can't keep my eyes on you. When you're at work, when I'm at work, nights like this. It freaks me the fuck out and I hate being freaked out. It's not your fault." There was a small flare of doubt in Elle's eyes, but then she wrapped her arms around Campbell and rested her head on his chest. "I just want everything to be okay again." "Me too, sweetheart. Me too." And that, at least, was the truth.

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