#like i felt like an outcast even amongst people who didnt make me feel like an outcast

[noises-of-nothing]

I didn’t have cable tv or the internet during the time between 2012-2019. 

My dad would pirate shows when he could, while at work, but if he didn't get it, it didn't exist, as far as I was aware. It didn't bother me much when I was still in elementary school as I didn't really have friends to talk to about these shows I was missing. But when I got to high school I made actual friends that I would talk to about the interests I did have that we shared, like video games and comics and such.

I had missed A LOT of shows that a lot of my new friends would talk about often or draw fan art for. I always felt lost and out of place when they talked about the different shows and anime they watched, while I just sat there confused. They explained the premise of the shows as best as they could, but it wasn't the same as watching and experiencing these stories myself. I would ask my dad if he could get these shows so I knew what it was my friends were talking about, but he could only do so much with the websites he knew how to use to get any entertainment for my family.

Now, I'm out of school, currently out of work, and I have time on my hands. I’ve been watching these shows that my friends from high school used to watch, and I've been really enjoying them.

But, I don't talk to any of my high school friends anymore, I don't really have anyone to share the thoughts and feelings I'm experiencing while watching these shows for the first time, or watching episode my dad missed for the first time.

It’s really bittersweet, seeing characters that my old friends used to talk to me about and being reminded of them, even if I don't see these friends anymore. But it also makes me feel incredibly lonely and like I fell behind...

[voltron-origin-blog]

Voltron Season 8 My Take On It

I didn't like it. I didn't like the way they brushed aside earlier plot points like nothing. I didn't like the Allurance that was incredibly forced. I didn't like how entire characters were brushed aside for characterization. I didnt like how my favorite ship kallura and plance didn't happen. I didn't like how rushed the ending was without any context for what was happening in the future. And most of all I didn't like how they killed Allura.

I will apologize first and foremost for my bias towards Kallura and Plance. It may bitter my view currently towards any other ship but if written well even I could congratulate the ship and be happy in it's success. Allurance was not written well. There was always the issue of their two dreams not intersecting. Allura wanted to revive her father's Altean Kingdom and Lance wanted to go home to earth and his family. To have either give up their dream would be character breaking and OOC. In canon they dealt with this issue by killing Allura which infuriates me to a whole other level but I will get to that later. I also don't understand how Allura chose him first. The creators were explicit in saying that the one who would choose Lance would choose him first. Allura knew about his feelings and still chose Lotor first. I also don't enjoy the nice guy trope. That if a guy contiues to pursue even when the woman says no as long as he sticks around long enough the woman will choose him. This is an outdated view and not a healthy one for our modern society. It took seven seasons before feelings were reciprocated and it was done after a heartbreak which made it feel more like a rebound/safety net for Allura than a genuine relationship. I also didn't like how at every turn Lance was made to feel like he wasn't good enough. The truth is he was always good enough. He was sweet and caring and an all around great family man. Him being "just a Cuban boy" shouldn't be an insult. All of us are proud of him for the things he was. Not the fake personality of a ladies man. And finally at the end of the day they made Allurance endgame to only rip it out in a way that made him suffer. I cannot forgive making a sweet boy suffer like that.

The reasons I liked Kallura and Plance besides the obvious ones of them being incredibly sweet and adorable was that they made sense. They made sense plot wise and character wise.

Starting with Kallura you had Keith and Allura. Both are the outsiders of the group. Both are aliens. Both were on the same page when it came to strategy and tactics. And Both suffered the loss of their parents. They were so alike in so many ways. And that may have been the reason that out of all the paladins the one who broke down his walls first was Allura. She cared for him and he her. They supported one another and when one faced turmoil they did their best to console the other. And out of all the paladins Allura was affected the most by Keith leaving. And for Keith out of all the rest it was her acceptance of him that he yearned for. Keith traveled the farthest away from her and his path led him not only to the Alteans who were what she desired most in the universe but to evidence of Lotors betrayal. That along with the many parallels and scenes of them beside each other led us to believe there had to be something there. When Season 7 came around and they fought it was brutal but eye opening. She was angry he left and he was angry she got so close to Lotor. To many of us that conflict was unresolved and a chance for more talking and bonding that would lead to something more. Now I cannot help but look back and see that maybe the writers only did this to justify her loving another. It didn't help that many of the voltron books reinforced this idea by their own bios. Allura wanted to rebuild what her father had created with the coalition and Keith, out of all the earth born paladins, did not feel at home on his birth planet. To him there was no family left there. He had no attachments and it looked like his future lay in the stars with the BOM. It made sense that the one who broke down his walls and who he had felt closest to besides Shiro would be the one he had feelings for. It seems all these hints were for naught.

Lance was a simple Cuban boy with a massive heart. His goal in life was to go back to his family on earth that he loved dearly. He was always chasing the princess to no avail and made to feel lesser because he is just a simple Cuban boy. We all know he is far much more than that. It would have been wonderful if he had realized that Allura was not the girl for him. That he didn't need to have this "prize" to feel validated. He was already an amazing character. There was another girl beside him. A girl who was his best friend. A girl who accepted all of Lance and not just the fake personas he put up. A girl who took her time to explain science in a way he understood. And he in turn gave his best effort to understand that science. He accepted her the way she was and understood that this nerdy girl was amazing to the point where he believed in her intelligence almost without question. The girl I talk about is Pidge. Time and again they bonded over video games. Time and again they fought to protect each other. And they both had values that family was incredibly important meaning that them going back to earth together made sense. It would have been liberating to see a nerdy girl finally get the love she deserves. A girl who was considered an outcast getting together with this popular kid who didn't see being nerdy as being a fault but an incredible trait. This did not happen. It was frustrating because it seemed like we were teased to no end that this would happen. Whether It be books exclaiming that Lance loved ladies for their brains, or his desire when he got back to earth to play video games with Pidge or even Pidge's own pain and relief at thinking Lance was dead then found out he was still alive. There was even VA comments that seemed to validate this. I'm quite sure I don't even have to mention the moments when they were enraged at their enemies when the other was being hurt. All in all this made sense. They were already best friends and they both wished to return to earth. This relationship worked adorably.

For the final season it seemed they went out of their way to restrict any bonding moments at all for the aforementioned pairings. Even sweet lovable Hunk had major moments that were swept under the rug. We had so many characters and it seemed as if the time we spent with them was short, not noteworthy or dedicated in large part to Allurance. Krolia had little to no bonding moments with her son. Shiro didn't bond with the others a lot. We hardly saw much of Matt and his new sweetheart. And the MFE pilots that were introduced to us last season had little to no fleshing out. That filler episode and the episode of their day with Axca was the best fleshing out of the MFE pilots I had seen.

The final thing is something that has infuriated me the most. They killed Allura. She sacrificed herself for the universe and all universes that have ever existed. This young woman who was kind and caring. Who time and time again sacrificed for others died in her effort to save everyone. She had lost her father, her mother, her people and her planet and still this was not enough. They had taken her crown and her identity of family amongst the paladins. They had taken away her hope of liberating her people and achieving her dream of an Altean kingdom amongst a coalition. They had broken her heart and made her angry and hateful. They have hurt her in so many ways its ridiculous. It feels at this moment that they killed her so they wouldn't have to deal with complications of Lance and Allura's relationship going forward because the only way that relationship was going to move forward was if they did some character breaking action like giving up on their dreams. And now I sympathize with those who are WOCs. They had this great WOC who many could look up to. She was brave and strong. She was loving and a paragon in her own right. To see her torn down and then murdered is wrong.

To be honest I'm a bit heartbroken. I had so much time and emotion invested in this show to just feel empty. There were good parts to be sure but overall I'm disappointed by this. This was supposed to be the be all end all of finales and now I can't help but question why? Why did I spend so much time on a show I loved dearly if they were going to end it this way. Why did I invest in this so much If I was going be confused, angry, sad and empty. The one thing I can be glad about is that I found a wonderful community to be in. If you stayed this long thank you for listening and I hope you feel better about this than I do.

[toycarousel]

Hi wren, i haven't asked you for advice but today i could use your help if you have the time, no rush by all means. I lost some online friends today and i know that sounds stupid but i opened up to them and knew them for about a year. When i left for a week due to me being hospitalized i let them know, it was when i came back that things went bad. I was excited to talk to them again but i slowly found out they genuinely did not care about me and thought i only wanted attention 1/?

Even tho i hate being on the spot they didnt believe me. I was separated from them but it still hurts to know that even tho i opend up for a year to them and got to know all of them, they didn't like my company. I blame myself since i came out as if i was attention hungry. Soon they got sick of me, i loved all of them and they made my day better. I shouldnt be tearing up but i cant help it. I cant help but blame myself for trying to be somthing im not.... 2/2

(My apologies for not getting back to you the day you sent these messages, Anon!!! I was out of town, and our days were packed, so I barely checked tumblr).

This is not your fault, Anon (and it doesn’t sound stupid at all!) I completely understand how hard it is to not blame yourself when things like this happen, though, and it’s okay to feel the way you feel at this time.  It’s okay to mourn the friendships you lost, or that have drastically changed... I know exactly what it’s like to love the friends you make online, to become close to them -- only to find out that they’ve been harbouring negative opinions about you.

It’s likely that, while you were gone, they felt like this was an easy topic to pick apart.  It sounds like a case of (on a limited scale) mob mentality.  Since you weren’t there to defend yourself, maybe your friends bonded over the fact that they could say these things about you without worrying about the repercussions.  They may have also talked themselves into feeling this way about you and your intentions, because when a group of people spark an opinion, that group can become an echo chamber.  And when that happens, even the people who don’t truly feel that way about you may have started to believe that they do, in order to fall in easily with the rest of the group and the popular opinion.

Imo, it’s not fair for them to have outcast you when you were working toward healing.  People who are seeking attention aren’t as likely to actually go to a hospital for institutionalization.  That’s typically a move that someone who really wants help, at the cost of their personal freedoms, makes.  It’s a move that people who truly need hospital care make.  And the thing is, even if you do/did want attention (which isn’t even a bad thing), that doesn’t mean that you’re not in need of professional care.  It doesn’t mean that you’re faking anything, and it’s not a fundamentally harmful thing to want.  

I’m not sure what you were hospitalized for specifically, but in my experience, the worse my health gets, the more I need attention from others -- mainly support from my friends.  It’s hard to try to recover from any illness or bad set of circumstances all alone, and sometimes, we just need others to acknowledge the pain we’re feeling.  It’s okay to talk about what you’re going through, and to share those truths with your friends.

I don’t know for sure why your friends suddenly started to treat you this way, I can only hazard guesses (like the ones above), but I do know that they could have chosen to be there for you, and supportive of you.  It’s okay for them to ask about your motives -- to talk it out with you, if they feel there’s a problem -- but it’s not fair for them to take their own assumptions as pure facts, and act unkindly, based on those assumptions.  

It doesn’t sound like they did much fact-checking with you (before attacking you, I mean) to see if their negative assumptions were actually true.  When I have an issue with a friend, I do my best to bring it up with them.  I don’t assume, right off the bat, that the harsh things I’m thinking about them are 100% true and not to be questioned, even when I’m hurt, or angry, it’s important to take a step back and look at the situation objectively.  I ask my friends what they’re feeling, and thinking, and see if I actually have a reason to stop being friends with them -- to see if we can’t work things out first.  That’s what your friends should have done.  However, these things are incredibly hard things to do... especially when you’re young (I don’t know the ages of you and your friends, though, but it’s taken me till my 20s to even begin to figure out how to do the things I spoke about above).  So your friends might just be giving into the impulses they have to be angry.  It’s still not fair to you.

If there is still a way to talk this out with them, to be candid, open, and honest about how you were feeling, what your thoughts/emotions were/are, and ask them why exactly they feel the way they do about you rn, I’d try to initiate that dialogue, for sure.  It doesn’t have to be a fight, debate, or any sort of argument.  It can simply be asking them “I don’t know what I did wrong specifically, but I’m open to listening to what you all have to say about this -- what specific things do you remember that I did, that made you feel like I was doing this for attention? What things do I do that bother you, and make you feel this way about me?”

You may all be able to talk this out... or, things might not go well.  If they don’t go well, see what you can do to cope ahead.  If you lose these specific friends, remember that you can always make new friends... I know that may sound callous, because these are people you love, know, and care about as individuals, but if they can’t give that same devotion of friendship to you, that you’ve given to them, then they’re not going to make for good friends unless they work to change themselves too.  If it turns out there are things you did or said that you think may have hurt your friends, then you always have the opportunity to change those behaviours, and to let your friends know that you’re going to.  We all make mistakes within relationships, but we often don’t deserve to be fully persecuted for it, especially before we’re even allowed to make a case for ourselves.

In the meantime, and the present, focus more on being around people who understand what you’re going through... looking up online or offline support groups/forums/blogs that are for people who’ve experienced what you have wrt the reasons behind your hospitalization, is one potential starting point.  Spend as much time with people who are supportive of you as you can.  It’s not fair that this happened to you, and I hope things genuinely turn out alright... remember, you went to the hospital for a reason, and that reason(s) is valid.  You didn’t deserve to come back to a cold climate amongst people you placed so much trust in, and this is not your fault.

[thatinnerfeirygoddessphoenix]

New moon, new me

I hope.

Ive decided to let the past stay in the past. To sacrifice it for a better future. When those thoughts and memories inevitably come to me I block it out. Don't give it my time. Because if I dont I will continue down the path of the crazy. Ive always attracted broken and messed up mental cases for friends. The outcasts and weirdos. Those desperate for comraderie.

I had few friends as a child. What I thought was shyness turned out to be social anxiety. Is it so wrong to be cautious about strangers? Especially when you've been told not to be so forward with people? Maybe I was even hurt by some stranger, but its so far back in my repressed memories I cant even remember.

Or maybe it was because i was a tall girl. A little chubby, I believed I was fat. I had asthma so i couldnt run or play like the other kids. Asthma attacks are a bit similar to panic attacks. Suddenly you cant breathe right. Perhaps it was a little bit of panic as well. Its easy to misdiagnose a kid. A poor kid.

So I was poor, fat, "lazy", too tall, socially awkward and loved learning and books more than doing cartwheels. Ive never learned how to do a cartwheel.

Needless to say Ive felt ostracized. So I started separating myself from others. Better to do it before they could, right? Make it seem like it was MY idea that I was alone. That I was the one who didnt like THEM. It progressed so eventually the other kids were afraid of me. This big, scary, mean looking girl whos favorite color was black and listened to metal. Sure, i kinda get it. I loved metal because it was my parents favorite genre. I looked up to my dad, who is a drummer, even though he was never there all the time.

Now he hounds me to have grandchildren. How can I politely explain to him that I dont want to end up a sad and lonely wreck of a mother because some ass decided to nut in me and leave?

I do realize now that Ive picked up my moms bad luck with dudes. Not believing you're worthy of someone so thats what they think too. Giving up before you start. Getting angry at them instead of evaluating yourself and how you could change.

Being healthy is so important if you really want that special someone enough. Mentally healthy. My family is as unhealthy as they come. I grew up thinking this was normal. No one ever talked things out or called anyone out. They just let whatever ills they had fester and rot inside of them. Usually the next day they acted like nothing happened. Life as usual. Better to let it go than rock the boat, but that meant that whatever wrong was never righted. The wrongful never learned just how shitty they could be.

It was all talking behind backs and complaining instead of confrontation. Like the ghost of my grampa was gonna swoop down and punish them for talking. I feel like he was the root of all the suffering they all endured. Bad people ruin lives. I can attest.

Lately, due to my emotional state, ive been such an asshole. So angry at the world for abandoning me. For abandoning itself.

Of course I dont hurt people the way he did. He seriously scarred them in a way NO child should EVER have to feel. I just lash out with my cutting words, or the lack thereof.

I run away, hide, from them when they need me. Become selfish as I try to nurse the pain I feel. The guilt over hurting them makes it worse. I want to hurt myself for it, but I promised myself that I would stop self harming.

At least I dont break my own oaths. I promised I would never do meth or heroin. Not since I saw what I could become. Since I saw a friend with huge potential turn into a stuttering unconscionable mess. I cant hurt myself anymore. Ive done terrible things to myself, because I couldnt handle the pain i felt inside.

My emotions have always been unusual. Intense. I can feel what others do, and when I feel my own, compounded with theirs, its too much to bear.

These promises Ive made have not stopped the rumors about me. I know my outward appearance and actions were... unusual. Incriminating? No, they failed to see the sad desperation of lovesickness. Of hating myself immensely because the guy I loved didnt love me back. Yet I lived with him. Made him my best friend. Made him my everything.

That was the biggest mistake. In the end I probably just hurt him. I wanted him to hurt so that he could feel even a FRACTION of what I was going through. I was unable to let it go. Hyper-focusing on every detail of him and me. We never left each others side...

That could have been part of it. It was so strange. He never told me he needed time away. Never tried to do stuff on his own. I gave him as much opportunity as possible. The strangest part was that I never needed a break from him, not until the end. I wanted to be by his side always. Me? I cant be with ANYONE for more than a few hours without having to be alone to recharge myself. It was like i finally found a battery amongst vampires.

What was I so upset about then? I felt like he WAS hiding something from me. I still have a feeling deep in the void of my chest, that he had something to say, but was too afraid to say it.

The part of me that loves him wanted him to admit he liked me too, but was too afraid of what people would say if we actually did get together. Social impairment.

I buried that down. So any hint of attraction ANYONE sent me I just... threw away. No, they cant think that. Im just kidding myself. Just false hopes. That wasnt real.

This is why i like straightforward people. Takes the second guessing right out of my head. So there is no room for my brain to tell me they could be lying or using me.

Im a new person. I dont like the idea of falling in love with anyone new. Love hurts too much. Love is hard. I still have him in my heart, but damn, I cant keep him in my head. I hope he does some good for himself. I hope he finds a better life.

I hope i do too. Gotta stop running around with someone else in my head because theres no room for my own thoughts.

I want to be able to create again. Can one still create after theyve been destroyed?