#like i looked mildly punk enough that like a normie would think i was really cooking with gas

[newfeeling77]

anyone filming a video on their phone in public i dont care ill walk in the way ill interrupt whatever. unless its teens making skating videos. because i think thats important even if theyre in the way of me getting to the atm.

[iaintafraidofnogh0st]

Becoming a young existentialist.

Last year I was doing drugs every other day. (I hate the sound of children playing) This whole writing thing is off to a tremendous start i.e. the word “tremendous”.  Who am I a 19th century Englishmen? Now I just want to fact check. Holy Fuck, I’m off topic. Maybe I should start by talking about my (ADHD) I was never officially diagnosed with; I’m not going to though because honestly I don’t have the patience. So Yeah, last year this time I was a casual drug addict (that’s what I like to call it). I can’t even take myself seriously when I say that because I was 22, it’s literally justifiable to be a low life, alcoholic, avid drug user/party girl because that’s what 22 year olds do. Or maybe that’s just me trying to justify it subconsciously? Either way I don’t actually care, I don’t regret anything (except maybe that time I drank tequila like a malnourished Ethiopian seeing fresh water for the first time, then pissed my bed not once but twice. Still drunk the next morning I posted a picture on Facebook of me lying beside my pissed covered sheets so my FB friends could share in my hilarious drunken antics. Or that time I was so high on cocaine I climbed a tree in broad daylight and decided on my own to burn the inside of my arm not once but twice with a cigarette, I still have the scars to prove it (not bragging). Or perhaps the time I for no apparent reason drunkenly and angrily punched a cement wall at my favorite watering hole, not once but twice and broke my hand. Then I used the same hand first to eat an Italian sausage and small poutine (my signature after bar food) before going to the hospital.) Anyways, this isn’t a memoir of one of the lesser known band members of Aerosmith. I’m not a cocaine sniffing, hooker banging, twat. Admittedly there was an incident with a strippers back side and a possible line of yayo in a hotel room in Gatineau. I DIGRESS.

I don’t regret hardly any of it because I’m a strong believer that nothing in life matters, and we’re all just soulless parcels of rotting flesh surfing through the universe on a giant, yet minuscule rock. I feel like I sound like a cliché saying “nothing matters” But to stick to my so called beliefs I don’t give a fuck! Because you know…  

Not that’s it’s of any importance but I’m listening to loud grungy punk music while I’m writing this to drown out the children’s laughter outside. So perhaps that’s why I’m coming off as an angsty teenager. Although I wasn’t that angsty as a teenager, sure I genuinely cared about nothing and thought my school, teachers, and parents were all full of shit. (The older I get I can confirm that no one actually knows what they’re talking about so basically everyone is full of shit.) I smoked a shit ton of weed, which mellowed me out I guess. Plus I was naive and unbeknownst to how utterly infuriating the world is. For whatever reason was super into rap music, even permitting the fact I grew up and lived in a small farm town till I was 18. I kid you not in my high school year book picture I’m wearing my older brother’s basketball jersey and a gold chain, I also often wore giant marsh mellow headphones around my neck. How I had a mildly popular/attractive (for high school) boyfriend is hilarious. I don’t even think I cared about my personal hygiene, I remember as a self-indulged dare I didn’t wash my hair for something like 30 days, the grease trap dreads that formed went well with my whole stoner vibe. The other half of the time I would dress like an alternative chick with purple or red hair, ear gauges and other face piercings. Besides my questionable style and lack of cleanliness, I have to say I was cute and for that I am truly lucky (not that I believe in luck of course). But thank fuck I have my looks..not to sound as condescending and vain as possible, but life is undoubtedly easier as a ‘hot chick’.  Unfortunately that’s the way it is….fortunate for me (ha!).  People absolutely treat you differently; sometimes people bypass on the fact that I’m pretty smart for a hot chick but hey, can’t have it all. Now that I’ve come off as a narcissistic fuck stick, please keep reading and I’ll give you 10 tips on getting the perfect beach bod in only 2 weeks!!!!!

I was and still am insecure as much as I like to give off the ‘I don’t give a fuck’ persona, and regardless of how much I enjoy intimidating my suitors and portraying that I’m super confident. I’m not; I suffer from all that social anxiety cat shit amongst other things.

Anyways, I quit the drugs after the constant partying caught up with me, a couple mental breakdowns, and anxiety attacks (which I never really endured until last year) later I got depressed/ suicidal/flat out angry at the world.  I guess I hit as they say “rock bottom”, for a 22 year old it’s more like I hit “pebbles at the bottom a shallow pond”. In my opinion if you claim you’ve never been even mildly suicidal at least once, you’re a deranged robot and most likely boring as shit. Being 100% mentally stable doesn’t exist and if you think you are, you’re worse off than us crazies (not to get all mental awareness month on you here but if you’ve never contemplated your existence before,  in all sincerity: DIE! You commie pig fucker).

 I don’t know if I envy or feel sorry for people so ignorant that they think having the perfect life will bring them pure happiness i.e. three kids and a house they can’t afford/ a job they fucking hate. I think I envy them, even if it is flaunting at least they’ve  given themselves a purpose in this life,  but then part of me wants to shake them sane.

Maybe I just shouldn’t think of ‘those people’ at all.

“Happiness is over rated”  – some famous prick.

 I don’t want kids. I know you’re all thinking “shut up bitch, you’re only 23” but the thought of bringing another life into this world and trying your upmost hardest to mold that life into something that’s not an intolerable parasite is terrifying. Perhaps that makes me a coward or maybe it makes me smarter than all of you chain breading, normie, plebs. There’s that angst coming out again.

After high school and a couple long-term breakups, I found myself hanging out at a lot of dives, hole in the wall type “punk bars” I also found myself dating a few punks, discovering that Nihilism is the ultimate turn on for me.  This was also around the time the drugs came into picture, in all honesty these people and places were like a drug to me I couldn’t get enough. But then again that was probably due to the drugs I was taking at the time. Punks get a bad stereotype “aggressive, criminal, scum of the earth”, this is actually pretty true. But the ones I grew close to are some of the nicest, smartest people I have come to know in my short life. I almost admired how they never put their intelligence to ‘proper’ use i.e. they never fell in line to the conformity, never got corporate jobs.  They were true punks they fucked the system and the system fucked them back. Not sure but I may have quoted Sum 41 there….

Unfortunately the only thing that comes out of that after a prolonged amount of time is misery and alcoholism, when I look back on it I think some of them may have just been lazy.

 I started writing this because I’m constantly looking for something to fill that unsatisfied void inside of me, will it work?

Probably not.