#like it quite literally happened in june when my grandma passed while i was on the plane back

[1ovestay]

oooo the melancholy is strong tonight….

[supernatural-jackles]

The Man on the Side of the Road - Part 13

Title: The Man on the Side of the Road - Part 13

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 3,834

Warnings: High Stress Levels, Mentions of the readers shitty Mom, FLUFF, All around cuteness! 

Summary: Driving down the road, going well over the speed limit. You come across a man walking in the opposite direction with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. His head cast down as he walked. Your gut instinct is telling you to check on this man, no matter what your parents told you growing up. Little did you know just how much this would change your life.

The Man on the Side of the Road - Masterlist

A/N: Three parts left after this one! I hope y’all enjoy this part! As always, feedback is greatly appreciated! Happy Reading!! 

Your head was pounding. Your vision was starting to blur and everything looked the same. You felt like you had been awake for forty eight hours. Your stomach was in knots, your chest was tight. You were beyond exhausted.

 Finals were going to be the absolute death of you.

 You buried your face in your hands, trying your hardest to clear your eyes and make them see one thing instead of eight. You had been at this for hours and nothing was sticking. You needed to pass this final. It was the most important one and you needed a seventy five in order to advance to the class you were taking next semester. You needed to learn the next twenty definitions and the process of seven more things and you literally had no idea how you were going to pull this off.

 “Knock knock,” Dean called out from behind your door. You took a deep breath, trying to compose yourself.

 “Come in,” you called out, trying your hardest to sound okay. Your bedroom door opened and Dean walked in. He was wearing his new pyjama pants that Sam had sent him as an early Christmas present. They had presents scattered all over them, and quite frankly they looked cute on him.

 “Hey you,” he greeted you. “Still studying?”

 “More like dying,” you sighed.

 “Nothing’s sticking huh?” he frowned, taking a seat at the end of your bed, giving you a bit of space.

 “Nope,” you shook your head. “I am not going to pass this final at this rate. I’m stressed out, exhausted and all I want to do is sleep for ten years.”

 “Don’t say that, sweetheart. You just need a break,” he suggested. “Why don’t we go make some dinner and pie. I did the groceries so we’ve got some food in the house. I can make you one of my dad’s recipes and after we can make your grandma’s homemade apple pie recipe.”

 “What are we going to make for dinner?” you smiled. “Mac and cheese? Winchester surprise?”

 “I was thinking I could make your favourite chicken with some mac and cheese,” he said with a smirk.

 “You know I can’t resist that,” you squinted at him.

 “I know. That’s why I’m making it. You gotta come out of this room and you’ve gotta eat something that’s not dried cereal or leftover beef jerky from our road trip nearly two months ago.”

 “You’re making me sound like I have a problem,” you giggled.

  “You do. It’s called being overworked,” he chuckled. “Kitchen. Now. Then I need you to watch a short movie with me. Give yourself a break. After that, we can kiss a little and I will help you study for however long tonight,” he declared proudly, looking at you with a sweet smile

 “Okay. We’ll go with your plan, chief,” you said with a weak smile. “You win this time. You had me at kissing you.”

 “Let’s go.”

 The second you got to the kitchen, you felt guilty for not having your books in front of you. The worry of not passing this final was really starting to get to you. You knew Dean was right; that you needed a study break because nothing was going to stick if you kept trying to cram it in. He offered to help you later, and you prayed to god that it would stick in better.

 Dean had the pasta noodles on, and the chicken already in the oven, like he was planning this all along. All that was left was to grate the cheese, and he was already halfway done. You just got to sit there, and watch him do what he did best.

 “When I was little,” you started, glancing up at Dean, “my mom tried to teach me how to bake. Red velvet cookies were what I wanted to make because I saw a picture in a recipe book one day. So she found one that would work and picked out an afternoon to do so. I thought it was going to be fun. You know, spending time with my mom, just the two of us. But I accidentally dropped an egg on the floor, and of course it broke. My mom was furious with me and sent me to my room for destroying her good kitchen floor. All because the egg slipped out of my hand and fell.”

 “That is terrible,” Dean frowned. “Accidents happen all the time.”

 “It was,” you nodded. “She came into my room hours later with a single cookie for me to eat. It was the first time I looked at something and felt like I didn’t deserve it.”

 “Why are you telling me this?” He asked, turning to face you.

 “Because I feel like I don’t deserve you sometimes. Especially on days like today when I’m cranky as hell, and not so fun to be around. You’re here making sure I eat and don’t overwork myself, and I don’t deserve to have someone as great as you in my life.”

 “Yeah you do,” he argued with a smile playing on his lips. “You deserve to have someone looking out for you, Y/N. You do the same for me.”

 “Well, I’m glad I’ve got you,” you smiled.

 “Likewise,” he smiled softly. “When I was growing up, my dad was the one who taught me how to cook. He told me it was a valuable life skill that I would need one day. I was always taught that it wasn’t just a woman’s job to cook for the family. I don’t remember a whole lot of my parents together. I was four when she died. But what I do remember is that they were happy together, and I wanted to have that one day.”

 “Do you still want that?” you asked him.

 “Yeah,” he nodded. “I’ve got you. I know my parents loved each other. Even if I remember them arguing, and such. I asked my dad about her from time to time, and he always talked about her with that same look on his face that he had when he saw her. Their love was something real. That’s what I want.”

 “The real thing,” you teased. “Growing up, my dad was my best friend. He had this big office in our house that no one was allowed in but me. He had a chair in there for me, and a computer there for me to do work at one end of his desk. It was our space that my mom couldn’t enter. It was a safe place for me. His Sunday’s were spent playing golf, away from my mom. Those were supposed to be the days I spent with her but she never wanted to. She had her girlfriends over for drinks and I’d be shoved into my bedroom, away from everyone and everything. My parents never spent any time together when I was growing up. My dad travelled during the week for work. I spent Saturdays with him. The more I think about it now, I wonder why they waited until I was twelve to get divorced. They were never happy together.”

 “That’s not fair to you,” he commented.

 “No it’s not. It’s like some sort of arrangement for them, I think,” you agreed. “You want what your parents had, and I want anything but what my parents have. How strange is that?”

 “Have you ever gotten along with your mom?” Dean questioned as he poured the cheese into the noodles. “I know Ketch said to you at the diner that night that your mom loved him more than she did you. Is that true?”

 “Unfortunately yes,” you shrugged. “And for the longest time, that was so hard for me. I mean, my mom loved my boyfriend more than she loved me, and I was her daughter. God, my mom was more excited when she found out I was going out with Ketch than I was. Sure, his family is the richest, and their house is a million times bigger than this. Ketch literally doesn’t need a college degree for crying out loud. It’s not like we ever struggled with money. I mean my dad still makes amazing money and he bought this house for me so I wouldn’t have to stay with my mom while I went to school.”

 “He’s got connections to everything and your mom liked that huh?”

 “It made her look good. It was good for the parties and for all the people at the country clubs. It’s like he’s fucking royalty or something,” you scoffed. “My mom didn’t want me to go to college at first, actually. That’s one of the reasons why I’m so late in graduating. I fought hard to go, and she would only let me go as far as here. My dad fought for me. He knew I wanted my own life. My mom was determined. A girl like me shouldn’t have to work hard for one. The job at the hospital was hard enough work. At one point, she even told me I wasn’t smart enough to get in, which was untrue. It’s just not me. I can’t just sit somewhere and have everything done for me. I’ve never been that way, even if my mom tried to raise me that way. It wasn’t right. I think she thought that Ketch was going to turn me into someone that she’d approve of. A housewife. Someone like her.”

 “I could never see you sitting back and doing nothing,” he chuckled. “You work harder than a lot of people.”

 “Thanks, Dean,” you grinned. “I’m at the point where I’m trying not to care about her. I don’t answer my mom’s texts anymore. Her calls are ignored. I’m done dealing with it all. All it ever does is upset me and I’m tired of putting myself in that position. I gotta move past it all.”

 “Good for you, sweetheart,” he nudged your shoulder. “You graduate in June right?”

 “Maybe! If I pass this final and all my classes next semester, then yes,” you let out a dry laugh.

 “You will,” he reassured you. “You’ll get home tomorrow feeling relieved that it’s over with and that you aced it. I’ll pick up some pizza and beer on the way home, and we’ll celebrate.”

 “And I can pick the movie?” you asked with a wide smile.

 “‘Course you can,” he winked.

 You and Dean ate dinner with a constant flow of conversation. For the first time all day, you felt relaxed, and you knew that was going to do your brain some good. When you were to go back to studying, there was a good chance you were going to retain more than you could before.

 Dean was the first one to finish, and he instantly started on the dishes. You couldn’t help but watch him as he worked. His muscles flexed beneath his shirt every so often. It had been a whole two months since you had slept with him that night, and the morning after. Your feelings had only grown stronger for him. You were taking it slow, enjoying the ride as you went on. Since you already lived together, you kept the sleepovers until Friday and Saturday nights. You didn’t want to rush this and ruin things.  You wanted to still have that friendship between you. It was the most important thing to you.

 You were slowly but surely moving past the whole, not good enough for him thing. There were still days when you felt like you weren’t good enough for him, and that was normal. Most of the time, he was the one who made you feel like you were. He was always making sure you knew that you were doing good, especially in the moments when you felt like you weren’t. There wasn’t a single doubt in your mind that you weren’t head over heels for him. This had the potential to become what his parents had. This had the potential to be something amazing.

 You got up from the counter, placing your utensils in the sink and your plate on top of his. You reached for the towel, taking the first mug out of the sink, drying it off. Dean gave you a soft smile before returning back to what he was doing. Your heart began to race in your chest.

 You wondered exactly what was going through his mind. If he was thinking about dinner, or anything else in specific. You wondered if he looked at you and thought the same thing you did when you looked at him. If he thought you were beautiful. If he thought he was lucky to have someone like you in his life. It was the little things.  

 There was a part of you that wanted to tell him that you loved him. You knew it wouldn’t be the worst thing to say, especially with how long he had been in your life. But at the same time, you were always the one who expressed how you felt first and that never worked out for you in the end. It was fear this time around. You didn’t want to push it so far only to have it crash and burn in the end. Dean was all you had at this point. You could wait. You could wait a lifetime for him. He was worth it.

 “Pie time?” he chuckled, pulling the apples out of the fridge. A few weeks ago, you had decided to go apple picking one Sunday. He remembered the day you met him that you mentioned something about your grandma’s recipe needing fresh autumn apples. He thought it would be a good date idea for the two of you and it was. It was one of the memories you think about that makes you smile.

 “Pie time,” you nodded.

 You opened up the cupboard, grabbing your book of recipes. Dean was already pulling out everything you needed from the fridge. You stifled your laugh, knowing just how excited he was for this. Quite frankly you were too. He was like a kid when he was excited and you loved that about him.

 He peeled and cut the apples while you made the pie crust. You worked side by side, bumping into one another a few times while you worked. You tried your hardest to focus on the pie in front of you, but when he stood so close, you couldn’t help but look over.

 “You’re cute,” he muttered, taking a slice of apple, bringing it up to his lips.

 “You’re cute,” you smiled, taking a bit of flour before flicking him. The white dust covering part of his shirt and his cheeks.

 “You’re going to pay for that,” he threatened with a laugh, placing his hand in the flour before rubbing your face. “Much better.”

 “Dean!” you shrieked, letting out a laugh. You smirked, inching closer to him, wiping your cheek on his shirt. He gasped, laughing in the process. “Okay, I actually have to finish this if you want to eat this tonight.”

 “Fine,” he grumbled, flicking you once more before getting back to work.

 You managed to get everything ready within half an hour. Dean added a lot of apples into the pie, and extra cinnamon. You smiled when he helped you with the top of the pie, patting it down with you. Your hands brushing against one anothers every so often. He took it when it was done, and put it in the oven for you. You were really looking forward to tasting it after this.

 His hands made their way to your hips, backing you up to the opposite counter until you hit it. He lifted you up quickly, his body settling between your legs before his lips were on yours. His kisses started off slow and soft; chaste. Moving in a perfect sync with yours as his large hands travelled over the length of your back. You melted against him, allowing yourself to enjoy being with him like this. It was really nice to have a boyfriend that wanted to kiss you the way he did on a constant basis.

 “You want to watch a movie, or a few episodes of Dr Sexy? You’re nearly caught up,” he pointed out as he placed a slice of pie on your plate. “Fuck, this pie is amazing.”

 “Dr Sexy!” you stated. “Gotta see if Dr Sexy and Dr Tara get together. I’m glad you like the pie.”

 “I love how into this show you are,” he let out a laugh.

 “This is your fault,” you side eyed him. “I wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for you.”

 “Hey, this is on you too. I had no idea you had a medical kink,” he winked.

 “So do you, Winchester,” you teased. “You and I both know if I dressed as a nurse, you’d have a field day.”

 “There is no denying that,” he shrugged. “You’d make such a hot nurse.”

 Dean pulled it up on the tv as you sat down in your designated spot. Right next to Dean. It was one of your favourite parts of movie nights. He’d always end up playing with your hair while the movie ended, and you soaked up every second of the attention he was giving you.

 “Can I ask you something?” Dean asked about halfway through the episode.

 “You just did,” you turned to face him with a wide smile. “What’s up?”

 “What’s the plan after you graduate?”

 “Honestly, I’m not entirely sure yet,” you answered. “I have lots of options, and I think that’s what matters the most.”

 “Which one sounds the best?” he questioned.

 “Teacher’s college,” you breathed out. “The one my mom would hate the most.”

 “For that reason?”

 “That’s a bonus,” you chuckled. “But I think I could make a good career as a teacher.”

 “My mom was a kindergarten teacher,” he revealed, giving you a soft smile. “I think that would be an amazing career path for you. You know I’ll support you in anything you want to do.”

 “Thank you,” you smiled. “I have to apply at the end of January, so I still have time. But it’s definitely something I’ve thought about for a little while now.”

 “You’re good at helping people. I’ve learned so many things from you,” he added. “You’d make an amazing teacher.”

 The episode finished, and you needed to get back to studying. You couldn’t relax any longer. You needed to get these last few things down before you could go to bed. You flopped down on your bed, opening up your notebook. Dean was in not long after you with two mugs of peppermint tea. You knew that there was nowhere he’d rather be than here with you, making sure you got this material down.

 It was around midnight when you packed it all up and crawled into bed. Your eyes were drooping, and words started to blend together. You studied the best you could and you felt a million times better than you did earlier. Dean helped you get down the last eighteen definitions and you had memorized the processes you needed to. You have this final in the bag.

 Dean left your room to go lock up the house, something he did nightly for you. You flicked your side light off before curling into your pillow. A few moments later, you felt your bed shift, the comforter moving just a little, before the bed dipped next to you. Dean was sleeping next to you tonight.

 “Gonna sleep with you tonight,” he whispered, linking his pinky with yours.

 “Good,” you muttered. “Night handsome.”

 “Night sweetheart,” he mumbled, reaching over to place a kiss to your forehead.

                                  ------------------------------------

 You walked through the front door with a smile playing on your lips. Friday were the best days. The start of the weekend. The best damn part of the week. You kicked your shoes off, heading straight for the kitchen with your bag in hand. You couldn’t wait to start the weekend off right with the man you loved. 

 “I’m home!” you called out.

 “Hey beautiful,” a familiar voice filled your ears. Your smile only grew wider. Your eyes glanced over to the counter where he stood. The sleeves of his flannel shirt rolled up to his elbows, revealing his strong, toned forearms that drove you crazy.

 “Hey sexy,” you winked at him. “How was your day?”

 “Great. Bobby gave me a raise today,” he revealed. “He said I had been working really hard the last few months and it’s paying off.”

 “Dean! That’s amazing,” you grinned widely, dropping your bag to the ground. You circled the counter quickly, reaching Dean in an instant. You stood on your tiptoes, your lips crashing to his, kissing him hard as you wrapped your arms around his shoulders. “I’m so proud of you!”

 “Couldn’t have done it without you,” he smiled, licking his bottom lip. “You’re my rock.”

 “And you’re mine,” you whispered, reaching up to kiss him once more.

 “How was your day, sweetheart?” he asked, tugging you in close to him.

 “Good. No tears today. No parents to call. And it’s Friday,” you chuckled. “Today’s a good day.”

 “How’s our baby girl?” he questioned. His right hand slipped from the small of your back to your growing bump.

 “Why don’t you ask her?”

 Dean kneeled down to your stomach, pressing his lips to the bump. His hand held either side of your stomach. It had to be the best thing you had seen and he did it over and over again. She already had her daddy wrapped around her tiny little finger. She was going to be a daddy’s girl for sure. This was exactly what you wanted.

 “Hey baby girl,” he said softly. “You being good for your mom in there? Not kicking her insides too much?”

 “Not today,” you whispered.

 “I love you, peanut,” he muttered, pressing another kiss to your stomach. “And I love you, sweetheart.”

 “Not as much as we love you,” you smiled.

---------------

 You shot right up, your eyes opening widely. Your heart was pounding in your chest. You swallowed hard, realizing that it was just a dream and it was the middle of the night. Dean was still fast asleep, facing your direction.

 For a moment, it actually felt real. It actually felt like you and Dean were going to end up together, and you were having a baby together. It actually looked like life was looking good for the two of you. God, the way he kissed your stomach. Ugh, and the way he kissed you. It was everything you wanted and more. It was everything you wanted with the person you loved.

 “You okay?” Dean breathed out, shifting a little. He never even opened his eyes.

 “Yeah,” you whispered.

 “Bad dream?” He asked you, popping one eye open.

 “No. Good dream. Best dream I’ve had in awhile. I’m just sad it came to an end,” you admitted.

 “Dr Sexy?”

 “Something better,” you rolled your eyes. “I’ll tell you some other time.”

 “What if you forget?” He cocked his eyebrow with his one eye still open.

 “Trust me. I will never forget this dream.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you like it? What was your favourite part? Share your thoughts with me via reblog, reply or send me an ask! Your response is what keeps me sharing stories like this! 

[purplesurveys]

1232

Did you make any money today?  Not today, because it’s a weekend.

What was the highest place you've ever jumped from?  I’m not too sure, actually. I tend to be cautious when it comes to jumping just because I always have this fear at the back of my head that I could possibly snap my legs in half upon landing lol.

Have you ever gone swimming in a river?  I don’t think I have.

Is there something you really want to buy at the moment?  I want a jumbo RJ doll but it’s quite expensive and not one of my priorities at the moment. 

Would you ever consider culinary school?  I want to learn how to cook but not passionate enough about it to enroll in culinary school altogether, so no.

What was the last souvenir someone got you?  It’s been a while since anyone went anywhere...

Do you have a favorite remix of a song?  I’ve never enjoyed remixes and just stick to original versions of songs. The one remix I’ll give a pass to is BTS’ Mic Drop with Steve Aoki just because that one includes a dance break that sounds really nice and gets me all hyped up.

Has the power gone out recently?  Yeah, like two weeks ago. I was working from home then so it had been a huge bother, but fortunately I had been charging my devices all day and also had enough data on my phone so I was able to continue.

Do you like driving at night?  It’s ok and actually pretty relaxing if it’s LATE late at night and there’s barely any cars. Driving in the evening during rush hour, on the other hand, is just fucking stressful.

What do you think is the most saddest sounding instrument?  Depending on how it’s played, probably the piano or violin.

Do you really pay attention to the ratings on movies?  Yes. It’s a pretty influential factor.

Have you ever snuck in to a theater/dance/bar etc?  No.

If given the chance, would you go to Ireland?  I mean, it’s not really on top of my bucket list but for the sake of travelling and experiencing a different place and culture I definitely would go to Ireland.

Are you afraid of standing on the edge of hills/skyscrapers/cliffs etc?  I am scared but whenever I’m given the chance to do this I kind of scrap that fear first and live in the moment.

Do you have a favorite species of wild cat (tiger/lion/cougar etc)?  No.

Do you have an absolute favorite name (boy or girl)? Alessandra, 120%. It is so beautiful-sounding, plus I love that you can use "Alessa" as a nickname. My Silent Hill obsession is quite thrilled by that, ha ha. < I love that name too, now that I think about it. For now, I think Olivia still tops my list.

Are you good at pronouncing foreign words?  My English is alright.

When listening to music, do you usually tap your foot etc to the beat?  I tap my fingers more than my foot.

Have you ever literally cried on a friend's shoulder?  Yeah but they were also my significant other then, so I dunno if that counts. I’m not super into physical touch so this isn’t something I’d do towards a friend, no matter how close we are.

Would you ever consider being a DJ at a party if you were paid?  Nah, I would suck.

Do strapless bras work for you?  No, my boobs are too small. 

Has anyone told you that they wanted to marry you/were planning on it/etc?  No.

Do you feel comfortable enough to wear short shorts?  Yeah, I just never really have the opportunity to wear them.

Have a favorite actor/actress from Old Hollywood? (Marilyn Munroe, etc) AUDREY HEPBURNNNNNNNNNN

What's your opinion on people who stretch their ears?  They can do whatever they want lol. I’m personally not a fan of the look but that’s my own problem to deal with.

Do you think tattoos are expressive art or unattractive?  Expressive.

What is your school mascot?  None of the schools I attended have one.

Have you ever seen a bear in the wild? I have never seen a bear.

What's the book you're currently reading?  Not reading anything at the moment.

Can you recall the most disturbing movie you've ever seen?  Eraserhead. Requiem For A Dream is also stressful to watch, even on your 2nd or 45th rewatch.

Has anyone you know gotten mono?  Possibly, but I can’t place names at the moment.

Have you ever picked an apple off the tree and eaten it?  No. Aside from the fact that I don’t eat fruits, apple trees aren’t native here so I’ve never actually seen one.

Can you say yes/no in different languages?  Oo/hindi, ne/ani.

Out of the traditional superheroes, which one is your favorite?  I don’t like superheroes.

Ever peed in your pants after the age of 10?  Not in my pants but my bed, but fortunately it just happened once.

Had any surgeries? What kind?  I have not.

Ever told your parents you hated them?  I had it written down on my journal when I was going through those rebellious puberty years, but it was only directed towards my mom because that had also been the peak of her emotionally/mentally abusive days. It’s funny because she snooped through my stuff then and saw the entry and ended up crying...and I didn’t even feel bad about it because 1) I meant what I wrote, and 2) she literally went through my shit. I still don’t feel bad about it.

Do you let your pets on your furniture?  Yes they can get on the couch and my bed.

How do you feel about kettle cooked chips?  I don’t really have an opinion lmao. If they are chips then they are going in my mouth.

How strong do you like your coffee?  I like milky/creamy coffee best tbh. When it comes to how strong they are I don’t have a preference.

Would you rather see someone of the opposite sex naked or nicely dressed?  Idk.

Would you ever consider visiting Texas?  I have relatives based in San Antonio and we’re pretty close to that side of the family, so yeah. 

If you could make a movie, what would it be about?  I’ve never been one for creative writing.

If you were kicked out of your current residence whom would you call?  My grandma or one of my aunts.

Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend?  Not at this point in my life.

Do you prefer broccoli or asparagus?  Oooooohh I love both!

Was the last person you kissed attractive?  Objectively yes, but I no longer feel the attraction I once held for her.

Are you racist at all?  No.

Do you read creepypasta? If not, you should.  No thanks.

Have you ever vandalized?  Yeah some desks when I was in grade school.

Would you ever scuba dive in shark-infested waters if you had the chance? Most likely not. And by the way, they do not "infest" waters. That's their home. I hate that phrase so much. < This is a good point and I’d like to keep it here. Anywho, yeah I’m willing to do this but as far as I know they keep you in a cage when you go down in the water. I’d only do it if this was guaranteed lol.

Have you ever been drunk at work?  Hungover, yes. Drunk while at work, hell no.

Have you ever hit a parked car with your car?  No. My mom has done this with my parked car though -____- She had been backing up and I kept honking as she inched closer to my car, but she heeded me no mind until she finally hit me.

Have you ever slept on the floor with someone you like?  We probably had but I don’t remember the details anymore.

Which do you prefer: french toast, bagels, or cereal?  Bagels.

Do you prefer light or dark haired?  Dark.

Have you ever read any of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books?  Yes, I liked reading those in like grade school and high school.

Would you be prepared to do a job that you didn’t like, if it paid well?  I haven’t been placed in that situation yet, so I’m not actually sure how I would handle it. Depends on how much the money is, I guess.

Do you think age is needed for maturity?  No.

Do you believe the future is predetermined?  I don’t think so.

What words are most comforting to you?  Words of reassurance, like, “I’m just here,” “You don’t have to apologize.”

How important is money to you?  It is generally pretty important to me and I’m usually good at saving...I’ve just hit a road bump the last few months because getting into K-Pop means wanting to get something out of every new merch drop hahahaha. I went alarmingly crazy from April to June, but I made a vow to calm down starting this July; and so far, aside from pre-ordering the new Memories of 2020 DVD and buying some merch from the pop-up store, I haven’t bought anything else.

Is there anything you want to last forever?  Cold weather in the Philippines.

List three of your passions:  Writing, food, and museums.

How old do you want to live to? Just because I’m competitive even until age, I want to make it to 100 lmao.

What kind of love do you value the most?  Very comfortable platonic love. I highly value friendships where I can pretty much treat them like an SO hahaha.

If you could control one element, what would it be?  I don’t care.

Do you prefer foxes or wolves?  No preferences.

Could you ever deliver a baby?  OMG no I would be terrible and would for sure bring more harm than good to the mother.

Do you think suits are sexy?  Uh yeah.

Ever been called babe?  Yeah.

How old is your youngest sibling?  18.

Who in your phone has a heart after their name?  Angela.

Favorite boy’s name?  I guess I have several preferences, but I dunno if I have favorite boy’s names. I like the sounds of Lucas, Jacob, Liam, and Mason.

Are your parents together, separated, divorced, never married, what?  Married.

Do you go online every day?  For sure.

What is the best quality in the last guy you kissed?  I’ve never kissed a guy.

What do you usually do during a kiss? Depends on how passionate it is? < Yeah.

Do you have an older brother?  Technically no, but I have a cousin that I pretty much see as one.

You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do?  I love Biebs, but I would probably sell them. Some extra money is always good hahaha.

What’s the genre of the current song you’re listening to?  K-Pop, R&B.

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet?  Yeah, I already have two of them.

Would you ever sell your soul?  Erm, I guess not.

[momofaddict]

Well, I'm almost 5 months in. The struggle seems to get worse instead of better, which I halfway expected. I felt so numb in the beginning and distracted with having to take care of a baby at 52 years old.

It is absolutely bizarre the range of emotions that I have felt. I'm sickened by the relief that I feel not having a deal with her addiction anymore. I'm excited, exhausted, and totally feel robbed of the grandmother experience that I've spoken of so many times. I feel embarrassed and like a shitty grandma that I feel relief when my ex takes the baby oftentimes. He never, ever, ever seems exhausted or ready for a break the way that I do. I love that baby with every fiber of my being. But I think I have not yet mourned the loss of the life that I thought I was building for myself. Not to mention my ex barely works at all, so it's easy for him to have energy and excitement for taking the baby as often as possible. He has his own business painting houses. And between losing his daughter, his own depression, and the coronavirus pandemic, he has hardly worked lately. So on top of everything else, I'm paying his bills, because without that, he's unable to help me with the baby.

After Melody died we decided as a family that it would be best that my ex move into the dreaded condo. This is the same condo that my ex-mother-in-law lived in when she had her heart attack. And the same condo that my daughter overdosed in. But that fucking condo is paid off, it was bought with cash. So, because my ex was essentially homeless, he has to live there if he's going to help me. And the only bills are the HOA, and the utilities. Plus there's the added expense of Melody's car that my ex is driving, the car payments that go with it along with the insurance payments. So I'm literally paying all of those plus my own bills so I can have a few days on my own... Until the long awaited inheritance comes from my ex's mother's estate -which will be just enough for my ex to buy a van for his business, get his teeth fixed, and overall get back on his own 2 feet - then my paying his bills stops. Should be in June sometime.

I feel sickened even saying all this. I should be elated to have Melody's flesh and blood offspring in my life, and I am most of the time. Not to mention this kid is amazing. He is so joyful, completely has Melody's spirit, and is about as easy as a baby can be. But that doesn't make my struggle any less.

The level of guilt that I feel because I'm relieved when I have a break from the baby is reprehensible to me. The level of sadness and missing my daughter is incomprehensible to me every time that baby learns something new or does something new. I can literally hear her voice, her laughter, her love for her child every time he pulls up to stand or laughs or crawls or eats his dinner with his own hands or when he babbles "Mamamamama". That's by far when I miss her the most.

I also feel super guilty when I think about if she was still here, knowing the downward spiral that she was on before she overdosed. There's this devil and angel sitting on my shoulders arguing with each other about how I don't miss the addict, but I do miss my daughter. How do you reconcile that? I don't think you can.

I feel like if she was still here, she would be making my life a living hell as an addict, and would have probably died from Corona, because of the major lung and heart damage that she had done to herself, along with the reckless life that goes with being a heroin addict. But near the end of her life, she was literally fighting everyday to find long-term rehab. And what if she had gotten in? I feel like we would have been living the life that we had been for over a year that was clean and sober and fun as hell. There are just so many questions, and scenarios, it boggles my mind.

I found out a lot of stuff after she passed away. I found out that she was far more down the rabbit hole then I thought. She was living the addict life 100% over the last two to three months before she died. I thought that her grandmother getting sick and dying was the catalyst, for the most part. But now, as I said before, she was completely and utterly relapsed. How on God's green earth, after everything I've seen and been through, could I still be so fucking blind? And the pain doesn't stop there. Just the other day I found that my toolbox was missing. She clearly hocked it.

I'm just posting because I don't care what groups are out there for support, I still never feel like I can speak my brutal truth. Not to mention, groups like Nar-Anon and others are all about the God talk. I'm so fucking over the God talk. Can I just find a fucking group where we can just let loose of our feelings no matter how grotesque they are and not have to pray at the beginning in the end of it? I'm always strangely comforted to know when other people have been through what I've been through, while still being sick that this could happen to more than one person, not to mention hundreds of thousands of people. That's the only real reason I want to join any group at all, is just so I don't feel alone in all this mess. So in my mind, I have nowhere else to go accept my Tumblr blog.

I'm so lost, and so alone. I really, genuinely do not know how to deal with my shit. I need to be up and happy and perky for this baby, and for the most part I am. But when it's bedtime, and I'm playing one of mommy's videos for the baby while he drinks his bedtime bottle, he always smiles at a certain part, and I'm shattered every time. There's not a single soul on this Earth that knows how much pain I'm in, but not in the sense that one might think. Yes, I miss my baby girl more than words can express. But I'm so fucking glad the addict is gone. And I feel disgusted even saying that. I also feel a lot of guilt around not promoting his father's memories at all. There's a lot of resentment there, but I feel like the right thing to do is to make sure he remembers his father too. How do I resolve that?

And other logistical thoughts come to mind. Like I am going to be 70 when he turns 18. I'm going to die when he's fairly young (assuming I don't die younger of a car accident or some other stupid shit). It's so not fair to him. And I think about what am I supposed to tell him throughout the years? He's going to know who mama is thru videos on my phone, the pictures on the wall, and the gravesite that we visit all the time. I don't know how I'm going to answer the questions this sweet baby is going to have. I don't know how to tell him how much she loved him and make him understand that she did not choose drugs over him. Drugs chose her over life. I also need to make sure that I put in my will who will take the baby if I die. Let's look at the options... There's my sister who has desperately wanted a child over the last 10 years or so and is 48 years old. She's had mental health issues for as long as she's been alive. To put it bluntly, she's incompetent of having a child full time. She is also narcoleptic I think I mentioned before. Sorry honey, you've got to stay awake for this one. Then there's my ex, who loves the baby equally as I do. But he doesn't have a responsible bone in his body and is an anarchist and conspiracy theorist. He's incapable of taking care of a baby or child from a responsibility standpoint, not to mention the crazy shit he would put in his head as he gets older. Finally there's my son. He's pretty much the only one I would trust to do right by this child. But he's made it quite clear that he's never wanted to be a father. I did ask him about it, and he said that he would accept the task if it came to it. But I want someone who wants the baby, not has to take the baby, not just someone who would accept the responsibility.

I need help, no question about it. But no matter how many Google searches that I do, I can't find a single place or counselor where I can get very specific help for my issues. I don't want to let this baby down. I don't want to fuck him up either. I want to be the very best grandma and mother that I can be for him.

What do I do?

Oh and finally, I've been drinking a lot more - or more frequently. If it was up to me, I'd drink daily. Quantity wise, it's not that much. At most a bottle of wine, mostly when my ex has the baby, but sometimes after he's asleep for the night. I'm not trying to get drunk, per se. Just trying to unclench my muscles and stress. Sometimes it eases my sadness, sometimes it exacerbates it. Plus it helps me fall asleep, which has been a challenge for me since entering menopause. I take a 1/4 bar (.5mg) of Xanax frequently before bed to help sleep, and never up my dose (too scared). But if I skip a couple of days, by the 3rd day I have withdrawals that feel likey old anxiety attacks. I take a quarter & the symptoms fade. Well ain't that just the last thing that I need! I want to phase it out, but as long as I have sleep issues, a job, and a baby, I don't see how I can. I skip days purposely so it remains effective without taking higher doses. Now that I'm working from home, this would be a great time to phase out. But every time I try to skip, I'm tossing and turning all night - which is torture.

I just wish I could get into a yoga routine or any other exercise routine, as well as meditation. I know that that would help all of my issues. But gumption is not exactly my forte right now.

[twilightvolt]

I kinda was saving this for when i had the time to type everything out in one go, so let’s just get this over with before Smash drags me back into the depths of hell. XD

So, like, things happened back in 2017. a lot of things. graduated highschool, felt the winds of freedom as i stepped into the world of adulting and.....fell into a deep abyss of crippling depression as my life took a rather....wild turn to say the least. these feelings would linger and continue to haunt me throughout the majority of 2018. if you’d like to hear them or just need a refresher, my 2017 summary WITH that in depth description is on my DA that i no longer use cuz all i can think of when i go there is that year as a whole.

That’s not to say the year was cruddy, though. it really looked up by the end and it’s been one of the better years of my life as an artist. i’m about to go into that, so sit tight if you wanna actually read everything.

January: Arcus ~Collab with KLou

Things got heated at grandma’s after the holidays and we left in a huff cuz yeah, big fight the night before. it wasn’t something i ever wanna remember, but i gotta acknowledge it happened. thus began the struggles of living life as a nomad basically. From this point on until May, i won’t say much about our situation cuz honestly, time grinded to a halt after hotel life began.

February: Let’s Save the World

Believe it or not, this was a mobile drawing. i still didn’t have my tablet or my computer, so i tried using my phone for awhile. this was, of course, after i got Digimon Story Cyber Sleuth Hacker’s Memory for PS4, so this right here was my Dracomon babu Takumi, named after the former wearer of the goggles i equipped to him.

March: Let’s Kick It!

A brief moment of light as i fINALLY GOT MY TABLET BACK ONLINE! i felt like things were going to be different, we’d finally get somewhere and i felt like i could do anything again! this drawing, while super simple since it was just me around most of my current OCs at the time, was meant to represent me being back in business after around 4 or 5 months of being restricted to traditional work, a medium i, at the time, didn’t have much development in. (although, those months sure did help me learn how to draw that way in more than just sketching. so i’m actually kinda grateful i was stripped of the tools that i realize i may or may not have taken for granted.)

April: Spyro the Dragon

The Reignited Trilogy was announced and that’s why i drew that cuz literally everyone was doing Spyro fanart. i remember also doing a bunch of little doodles of other people’s characters in this same coloring style since some of the drawings i did before like the mobile drawing and my traditional work gave me inspiration on how to go about doing this new watercolor/marker like style that i started to experiment with throughout 2016 and ‘17.

May: Memories in Pieces

Remember how i said time grinded to a halt after hotel life began? yeah, this is where it reeeeaaally started to effect me. the days dragged on and blended together, we STILL could secure a home to house all of us and it just felt like my life was just....over. like, all the important stuff happened and now my story’s just done. it didn’t help that memories from the year before decided to come back and hang over me like an undying demon cloud. my anxiety and depression couldn’t have been higher. and yet i still managed to wake up. in fact, i woke up bright and early every day somehow. it felt like there wasn’t anything to believe in and yet....i still had hope that we could get through this. i knew deep down we weren’t gonna be completely out of luck.....but i still hurt at the same time.

I never uploaded this drawing anywhere, but this was, to put it simply, partly a new direction for a future project but also a vent art of sorts, representing the negative thoughts and regrets that never seemed to leave me alone no matter how much time has passed.

June: Digimon Atlas Adventures Ultima Vocal Collection

My second commission ever made since i opened that month. it was also the first time i really cel shaded along with made a logo since the year before. this day marked the turning point along with the end of my depression for the most part as the parents finally gave up and took...some of us down to Florida. a couple of siblings had jobs to keep up with, so they had to stay back in NY with.....eghh....grandma. to this day, i’m still hearing stories even if some of them eventually found their own place. i swear, the more i hear about what’s going on, the less i wanna go back to NY. >_>’

July: Drake ~Art Fight 2018

Oh yeah, we moved down to FL, but we were still in hotels IN FL, so there was change, but still pretty similar circumstances. we quickly found a place at some point, though. a cozy apartment complex that i’m happy to live in.

This is when Art Fight began....or rather when it was supposed to begin cuz they had technical difficulties for the first week or so. the day i revamped Drake for it was like i was saying hi to an old friend after parting ways years prior. it was a really fun experience that i’d gladly partake in again next year if i’ve got the time.

August: Gathers Under Night...

A very ambitious looking piece i did as an attack against a friend during Art Fight. it was my favorite attack i ever did and could quite easily be my favorite drawing from this year. after leaving hotel life behind me, i rarely, if ever, had war flashbacks or anxiety over the past. i felt like my life was finally getting somewhere again. for real this time. and that it did, thankfully.

September: Lost in Thought

A gift i made for a longtime friend and art senpai to try and cheer them up. i still look back at this and think “yeah....this is the style i’ve been longing to emulate. and i’ve finally achieved it.” granted, it took a lot from Kingdom Hearts II’s title screen, but where do you think i got my love of watercolor from?

At this point, i started to become a new person. i mean i already was considering the summer also involved me trying to become a little less total weeb at least in terms of music taste and also leaving my hoodie lifestyle for a good few months, but yeah. in fact, i think this was the month i buzzed off all my emo hair and really ended up resembling how i looked like back when i was little, anime cowlick and all.

October: The Lethal Protector

Oh yeah, Venom happened. i should’ve disliked that movie with all it’s flaws and unused potential, but instead i wholeheartedly stan it and i luv the portrayal of Eddie and Venom to the point where i forgive where it went wrong.

Yeah, i completely moved on from everything that tied me down at this point. i yeeted the past into the stratosphere and focused solely on what i wanted to do now. what my next move was. and i can thank these two losers for helping me stay focused on my craft. i also kept branching outside of Digimon. i wanted to be more than what i used to be.

November: My Favorite Ninja Frog

Didn’t do much this month, so all i had was a doodle of my starter partner for Pokemon Y. i never evolved him past Frogadier cuz i preferred him over Greninja. it was the tongue scarf, dude.

Why? ehh, it was most likely Warframe. i got into that game at some point cuz a friend persuaded me to do it. i don’t regret anything. i luv this game when i’m playing with friends.

December: Draw Your Roster Ultimate: The Winds of Reunion + Holiday Arcus

The Winds of Reunion cuz Wind Waker and the fact that everyone including Wolf, Young Link and even Pichu returned to Smash Bros. when Ultimate happened. this game cured my depression, cleared my skin and reignited my love for Starfox oddly enough since Starfox Zero AKA 64 with a new coat of paint and motion controls that weren’t as bad as you think didn’t exactly do it for me. i haven’t been so content with the way things are in a long time and i’m happy i finally got my hands on this treasure of a game. now, to wait for Kingdom Hearts III. ;w;

And now we finally get to the end of this long as heck recap. thank god Tumblr gives you unlimited characters, amirite? XD

Overall, this was a year of recovery and rebirth. it was a long and rough winding road, but in the end i think i’ve healed enough to finally get on with my life.

I’m not the same kid i used to be when i graduated highschool, and i’m definitely not the same kid i was when i was first starting out as an artist. my journey has been full of ups, downs and all arounds and it was all a much needed learning experience. even if i felt like i was suffering at times.

My future is mine to decide, and i’m not letting anything stand in my way again.

For the future i want to believe in.

[calicokaz]

My Trolls Story

I don’t normally talk about this outside of close friends and family, but I’ve been reflecting on the tumblr trolls community. What it means to be in a community. And I realize that maybe the reason I’m so often over looked isn’t just because I’m new, but because you guys don’t really know anything about me. There’s things that I can’t talk about and things I don’t want to remember, but I feel safe enough here to share my story of how I was introduced to Trolls and how it changed my life for the better. Because I’m starting to think my story is more common among you guys than I realized.

To understand where I was when I was first introduced to Trolls in June 2017, you have to have a little backstory. I’ve suffered from depression since my early 20′s, but did nothing about it. I’m a strong willed person and I don’t like asking for help. “Things” happened and I hit my worst point in November 2016. I thought about suicide daily and drank through 4 bottles of liquor a week. On top of going to work at a full time job every day. One day, I had a crippling pain in my side that made it too hard to even walk. It scared me so bad, I was rushed to the hospital. While they took care of me, I had to own up to drinking heavily and that ended up being my breaking point. I had a full meltdown and told the doctors I was going to kill myself. The pain turned out to just be a cramp, but they committed me to the Psychiatric Ward where I stayed for 6 days. Going to the hospital that day saved my life. I was given medications for depression, tips on how to handle myself when it hit me and I even managed to go sober!

So now you’re probably thinking, “How did Trolls save your life?”. Well, the story didn’t end there. Go forward to April 2017. At that point, my life was going great. I had my own car, two jobs, was still sober and took my medication regularly. My life had been turned around, but sadly, depression is a demon that doesn’t let go. Everything was great, but something felt wrong. On the medication, it took away the pain, but it had begun taking away the joy too. I started to feel like a robot, going through each day, doing what I had to do and getting things accomplished. But I wasn’t happy. The second job made me feel amazing at first. I mean, ME, working 2 jobs! That was unimaginable a year before. But the past was haunting me. My second job was at a gas station. Every day, being around that alcohol. Working 7 days a week with no breaks. No more passion in my life. I was a ticking time bomb. I tried to tell people, but they kept telling me it would pass. To stick it out and stay sober. But it didn’t work. It started with a few beers and the utter shame I felt after drinking made me hate myself more than I ever had in my life. I felt like a worthless failure.

The end of May 2017, while at my first job, I attempted suicide. During our first break in the morning, I went out to my car and didn’t go back inside. I was frantic, crying, couldn’t stop myself. I took a plastic fork, snapped it in half and dug it as deep and as hard into my arm as I could. Before I knew it, it didn’t even hurt anymore and I was covered in blood. That’s when my boss came out and knocked on my car window. The moment he saw what I was doing, he ran in and called 911. I assume that’s what he did, anyway. I was very much in a daze at that point. When he came back out, he had the “big boss” with him and they were talking outside my car. I have no clue what they were saying. That’s when the police arrived. The officer talked me into opening my car door and told me that I had to either voluntarily go with the ambulance to the hospital or he would have to take me by force. I went voluntarily, feeling absolutely broken because 1) my attempt failed and 2) my self-loathing was so high, I didn’t care what anyone did to me at that point.

My second time at the psych ward was very much like the first, except I had bandaged over my arm. To this day, I still have a scar going down the length of my arm that I try to hide because it reminds me of that day. I accepted that I had taken on too much and quit the second job. And since then, I’ve never been consistent with taking medicine and I still struggle with alcohol from time to time.

So finally we make it to June 2017. Since my weekends were now free, I spent that time sulking in my room watching youtube and Netflix. I like watching obscure movies on Netflix and I honestly didn’t know jack about Trolls. I just saw it and thought, “This’ll kill an hour or so.” And OMG, the movie absolutely blew me away. I actually immediately watched it a second time. I absolutely fell in love with Poppy. Branch was so sweet. Bridget was an angel. The music was so uplifting and the message hit me really deep. “Happiness comes from within.” That’s what I needed to pull me back to my feet. Poppy didn’t just help Branch get his color back, she helped me too.

From there, it gets a little sappy. I literally drove to 3 different Walmarts to find and buy the movie. I needed a DVD so I could watch it with my Grandma. I spend the night with my Grandma a lot because that’s one of the places I feel safe and happy. She loved the movie too and now it’s just “our thing” to watch together. I even got her a plushy of Guy Diamond to keep in her apartment because she wanted one so bad.

Since then, I’ve had my ups and downs, but one thing has kept me going, is Trolls. So yeah, when I see angst in the community, it hits me really fucking hard. I didn’t know you guys existed and now I’d like to be a part of it if you’d have me. But I also can’t take drama. I’m not emotionally stable enough for it. So I’m sorry to anyone I unfollowed. It isn’t you, I think you’re all wonderful, it’s because I can’t look at those things without being triggered. I hope you understand.

[centolutions]

#101) Write stellar Christmas letter for 2020

This could have been a bigger challenge, since the year itself wasn’t consistently, well, stellar.  But the inspiration hit.  The letter is written, and now all we need to do is stuff the envelopes and get it in the mail.

Dear Diary, January 1st, 2020

I had the strangest dream this morning.  A microscopic cell grew so large it blotted out the sun like an eclipse, with only the glow from the corona visible.  People fled into their homes and stayed inside. Those that ventured out suffered one of two fates.  They either fell to their knees in a fit of coughing, or they started speaking one of two opposite languages and shouting at those people that didn’t understand them.  I looked at the calendar in my dream, and the date read ‘Friday the 13th’.  I’m not sure what this means, but I’m glad I woke up from that scary nightmare.  I’m really looking forward to 2020 because I think everyone will look back on the year as we near Christmas and, with 20-20 hindsight, be able to say “I can see clearly now!”

Fast forward to December, 2020.

Okay, so admit it. Some parts of this year definitely felt like a dream.  And for some people, there were portions of the year which seem nightmarish and they don’t want to reoccur.  But, life finds a path forward like a river finding its way to the ocean.  Something may come up to temporarily block the flow, but the water finds a new route, past new vistas, creating new opportunities for growth along the way.  I’ll give you three examples.

Case I:   The Newlyweds

I’ll admit, I was skeptical.  “You want to have a wedding in Colorado for two people with families from Ohio?  And you want to do this in January?  And you want to have an Ice Cream Truck for guests to walk up to – OUTSIDE???”  But with that famous 20-20 hindsight, I must say, Beth and Karl’s wedding on January 3rd in Denver was an incredibly wonderful event.  The ceremony (like the bride) was beautiful!  The sacrament was reverent!  The weather was incredible (mid-50s in early January) And the reception celebration was kick-a,, um, was a lot of fun!

Life seemed as delicious for the newlyweds as a scoop of Sweet Cow ice cream from the Moo Mobile.  Then Covid-19 hit Colorado, one trip after another for Karl was pulled from the COR schedule, and Beth and the rest of the Camp Wojtyla staff had to make the decision to cancel summer camp for 2020.  But they both stayed positive, turned an EconoLiner into an EconoLodger in their down time.  And in late Spring, life happened.  Quite literally!  The couple is expecting their baby in February.  Chris and I are looking forward to visiting them in Lander, WY to welcome our first grandchild.  We’re also looking forward to Yaktrax™ and a renewed appreciation for sub-zero degree weather.

Case II:  The Busted Block

As mentioned in previous Christmas missives, we really appreciated Steve’s job at the movie theatre.  He would bring home interesting stories about the guests - - - and free tickets for his parents!  When the reality of the mid-March stay-at-home order in Ohio set in by early-April, Cinemark told all their employees that they were not only laid off, but that they would not be guaranteed a job when the theatres re-opened.  Everyone would need to interview for consideration to be re-hired.

No summer blockbusters!  No steady income!  No free tickets for Chris and I! “No problem!”, Steve said.  He reached out to a few contractors and got himself a new career in home (and other building) repair, renovation, and remodeling.  He now has more hours “building back better” with his construction crew than he got at the theatre, earns more per-hour, and is already building (pun intended) his own clientele list.  Plus our own house has gotten some very nice updates as he’s practiced some masonry, plumbing, painting and shed-repair skills.

Case III:  The Move Up North

Late January was the end of Grace’s two-year commitment to Children’s Protective Services for the Commonwealth of Kentucky.  She decided that she was going to move from Lexington to Ann Arbor and attend U of M for her Masters in Social Work.  So on March 13th (yes, Friday the 13th), we moved Grace out of Lexington, on March 14th she moved her furniture and goods to her new apartment in Ann Arbor, and on March 15th, Governor Whitmer closed down the state of Michigan.

Before the move (and the pandemic), Grace was worried about finding a job.  But Kroger was more than happy to have any willing body help with Pick List shopping, and Grace found herself waking up at 4:30 am to grab other people’s groceries.  Unfortunately, Grace’s brand new roommates became ex-roommates after six weeks since their lost jobs meant they had to change their living plans.  Undeterred, she found a new place to live with a lovely, retired U of M Professor, who got Grace connected with two other U of M contacts through which she landed two new jobs.

And with U of M itself using significant online learning, Grace opted to defer the start of graduate school till Fall 2021.  The additional time allowed her to decide that Ann Arbor is the place she wants to stay (at least for a while).  And with that, two other decisions followed.  In June, Grace welcomed Koda B. Nadler into the family.  Koda is an adorable young mother of four, a little over 60 lbs., and loves getting her back scratched and chasing after squeaky toys.  In December, Grace closed on a house in Ypsilanti.  The two big selling points for Grace?  A fenced in back yard for Koda to play in, and a chicken coop (which won’t get any chickens until Koda learns not to eat them).

Now, the purpose of this note is not to say take those lemons thrown at you in 2020 and turn them into lemonade.  In addition to health, economic and social concerns unique to the year, there were moments with a bitter note that can happen any year.  Dorothy Nadler (Mom / Grandma) passed away on June 22nd, after managing Parkinson’s for over a decade.  She moved into a Skilled Nursing Facility last October and was getting along pretty well.  But with Covid-19 spreading across the country, the nursing home went into lockdown.  Starting in March she wasn’t allowed to have visitors.  And while the virus did find its way into the facility in April, and Mom even tested positive the second week, she remained asymptomatic for an entire month.  A Parkinson’s-related infection sent her to the hospital in May. Once she recovered from that, she was released to a hospice center in Defiance, OH in early June.  She was able to have visitors every day, limit of two at a time.  Dad was happy to be one of those two visitors nearly every day.  Mom was focused on celebrating the wedding shower for Kelly Nadler (now Steffan) on June 20th, a goal which she accomplished.  We miss her each and every day, and are so fortunate to have had her with us for so many years.

But, as said earlier, life continues to flow.  In addition to Tessa, who Chris has been watching for over a year now, another energy-filled three-year old can be found at Chez Nadler once or so per week.  And when those two get going, it doesn’t matter what room I’m using as my home office.  My CareSource colleagues will ask “Did you say something, Dave?” on the teleconference.  I’ll say ‘No, it’s the toddlers’, and the others with children haunting their own home offices will give knowing nods.

Here’s hoping you, your families and your friends have a peaceful transition into a healthy and happy 202One.  May God’s love and joy warm your hearts and souls.  And, please, for those of you that wish for a memorable year next year, make sure to wish for happy memories.

With Love,

Chris and Dave

[and Beth(+1) and Karl, Steve, Grace, Zing, Dixie, Koda, and the fish who I’m not sure we ever named] (old habits are hard to break)

[janeykath318]

The Princess Uhura Diaries

June 6 This girl is a college graduate!!! Woohoo! So happy to have my degree at last. Harvard is no joke, believe me. Even Grandmother almost smiled at me when I saw her after the ceremony. I may fall short in the social graces, but she can't doubt my brains! Celebrated with the girls, then said goodbye and Scotty the Royal Terrier and I are now on the plane back to Genovia. I'll miss my school sisters big time, but duty calls. I'm being groomed for queenhood someday and Grandmother wants me back there for more tutoring in the ways of being royal. Sigh. 

June 8th Landed back in Genovia yesterday and found a couple big surprises. Grandmother renovated and updated a new suite for me. It's mind-blowing luxurious. The walk in closet is to DIE for. That'll come in handy for my extensive shoe collection. The bathroom is larger than my whole bedroom at Mom's and the bed.....well, it's every princess's dream. But that wasn't the only thing that surprised me. When I went in to my giant closet, who should pop up but Gaila, my bestie from New York!! There was lots of squealing and catching up after that. She came all the way over here for my party, bless her heart. June 15th I survived the party, thanks to Gaila and the cute guy I almost ran over on the dance floor. Yum-yum. It started Off like any other royal bash, me coming forth in my fancy gown introduced to a crowd of nobles and diplomats and forced to dance with a motley assortment of stuffed shirts. Ugh. The Pimply French kid was the worst. Then there was the awkward Swedish prince who stepped on my toes three times. I was so relieved to get away from him, I ran smack dab into some poor guy just standing there minding his own business, stepping on his foot even. He kind of doubled over for a second and I apologized as profusely as I could, dying with embarrassment at my perpetual clumsiness. Then he looked up at me and I met the most stunning pair of blue eyes I'd ever seen. He was kind of surprised himself I think, before he recovered and I made a joke about insurance information to which he smoothly replied in kind. It was almost flirting, but I was so relieved to finally meet a decent guy, I agreed to a dance almost before he'd finished asking. June 16th So much for a decent guy. Turns out he's gunning for my crown!! Today Gran had an uncomfortable meeting with parliament and they brought up the old law that requires a female to be married in order to inherit the crown!! I thought they'd done away with anachronistic, sexist rules like that. Evidently not. So, I've got to get myself a man before my next birthday or this James Tiberius Kirk brat gets a chance to lay claim to the throne. I don't know how, but his Uncle, the Viscount Mabry, said he should get the throne because he's more familiar with the Genovian society. Then, he brought him over to live here for the summer! When I saw who it was, well, I was steamed and disappointed. Let's just say, this time, when I stepped on his foot, it wasn't an accident. Gran said afterward, "As a Queen, I cannot condone it, but as a Grandma, I say RIGHT ON!!" I love that woman. June 22 Ever since HE moved in, I feel on edge everyday, like they're looking for reasons I shouldn't be allowed to rule. The Viscount is always sneering and sniffing at me and James is trying to pretend like he's not a lying scumbag. If it weren't for Gaila's refreshing presence, I'd have ripped out my hair by now, or thrown myself in the duck pond. First there was the embarrassing episode with the runaway chicken. I admit, it was stupid of me to open the clucking basket, but James looked way too tickled by my mortification. Then there was the inspection of the guard and I had to ride sidesaddle past the whole company without looking like I was in mortal fear of falling to a terrible demise. Of course, the supposedly calm horse spooked at something and knocked me on my rear anyway. Needless to say, my humiliation was complete, AGAIN. I saw Joe looking very grim and somewhat menacing at the Viscount, but I have no idea why. James had the goodness to keep his mouth shut for once. June 27 Gram is dead set on finding me a husband now. She loathes the Viscount and his schemes to get his nephew the throne. So she and Joe started vetting possible candidates and last night Gaila and looked through the options. It felt creepy. Who wants to pick their husband like he's a dinner option on a menu? But Parliament would have to abolish the longheld law with a two-thirds vote, and The Prime Minister says there isn't enough opposition  to get the required votes. I can tell that bothers him, but his hands are tied. So, we scrolled through various young lords and princes until we came to a nice looking Vulcan by the name of Spock. He's tall, dark, and very handsome, with cute pointy ears and looks very calm and logical like most of his species. I gave him the thumbs up and Gram declared she would invite him to visit Genovia immediately. I'm not promising to marry the guy, but I need something to keep me from thinking about those blue eyes!!! (Darn them) James still keeps trying to convince me our lie dance wasn't a lie and he really did enjoy it!! July 1st. Today was the Founder's Day Parade. As the princess and heir to the throne, I am obligated to sit on a float and wave at the crowds beside Grandmother. It's totally not my thing, but necessary for public relations. So up I got, pleased that James had to experience the same discomfort with his pompous windbag uncle. Despite my dislike of him, I have to admit he was pretty smooth at the mingling with the masses part and not nearly as uncomfortable as I'd hoped. I forgot about that when I passed the girls from the orphanage and saw the wistful expression in those eyes. Impulsively, I got down from the float and invited the girls to walk with me at the front. After all, in my view, every girl deserves to feel like a princess even if they never see a tiara. It ended up being the best part of the day and Gram didn't even really scold me. Even James told me sincerely it was a sweet thing to do. July 8th Spock arrived and we met in person for the first time. Let's just say he's even more handsome in real life and has those dark brown eyes that aren't hiding any nefarious designs! (Unlike some) We get along well, if it was a little awkward at first. Vulcans are very literal and logical and don't always get the jokes, so I try not to get too punny around him. Turns out he's WAY into science and stuff, founded a special scientific institute in his country even. July 12th. Been on several outings with Spock. He's quite a conversationalist once you get him talking. We took some long walks around the coast, played badminton, and several chess games, at which he royally kicked my butt. Of course, the whole thing is being blown up by the media and turned into a soap opera, which is really annoying.  The Viscount though, is really grumpy about it, much to my satisfaction, and James gives me odd looks sometimes, which I find highly unsettling for no reason at all! July 25th The Garden Party started out well, and ended in me doing something monumentally STUPID!! How could I let it happen? HOW?? I hate his guts so much right now!! James arrived at the party looking all smug and dapper as usual, with a knockout blonde on his arm, whom he introduced as Carol. She seemed like a nice girl, but it looked more like Jim was just trying to get me jealous, which is totally ridiculous because I don't even like him!!! Anyway, somehow, Spock and Carol got talking on some deeply technical scientific stuff and James and I were left alone. He started making suggestions that I'm only using Spock to keep my throne and of course I told him off for that, the hypocrite. "I loathe you!!" I yelled finally, getting right up in his smarmy handsome face. "I loathe YOU!!" He yelled back, staring at me intently. Next thing I knew, he'd yanked my face to his and was kissing me!! I should have slapped him for that, but instead I kissed right back. I can't believe that happened. Only you, diary, will ever know that James T. Kirk is really good at kissing, much as I hate to admit it. Then we started arguing again, and somehow ended up in the fountain. I embarrassed Grandmother again. Thankfully, Spock didn't see that indiscretion, being deep in discussion. Aug. 17th Well, James has been a lot less obnoxious lately, seeing how serious Spock and I are getting. In fact, he's been downright nice, even giving me archery tips as I practiced for the test I'll undergo the night before the coronation, which involves shooting an arrow through a ring, an Old Genovian tradition, I hear. I tried to ignore the fluttering in my stomach when he laid his hand over mine while correcting my stance, but wow, he seems to have really gotten under my skin. Ugh. Spock has been so sweet about this whole thing and probably being married to him won't be such a bad thing, but I just can't seem to be quite as happy as I thought I would with such a perfect man.... Sept. 3rd Spock proposed. I said Yes. The kingdom is going nuts at the prospect of a wedding.   It's kind of nice, actually, being engaged to him, but I never thought I'd feel so calm about impending marriage. Gram smiles approvingly a lot, Gaila still looks at me questioningly and Jim seems down in the dumps. He mostly keeps to himself now, seems to always have a book in his hand. He and Carol have double dated with us a couple times and she's great company, but it always ends up with her and Spock doing most of the talking and Jim and I avoiding each other's eyes. I think he's changed his mind on me being a fit ruler finally. I wonder if he'll have the guts to stand up against the Viscount uncle, who's more bombastic than ever. March 5. I haven't written in forever, but wedding planning has taken over my life right now. The dress, the flowers, the table settings, the cake, pleasing the families and all that jazz is pretty exhausting. Spock's been really kind and helpful in his own way. He's great at subtly telling people when enough is enough. It's very comforting and I ought to be head over heels by now, but I'm not and that saddens me. Should I really go through with this? Is it worth losing the kingdom and hurting Gran? Should I really cave to this sexist law? Gaila told me she'll support me no matter what I decide, and it's comforting to know that. For now, everything is going ahead for an April 3rd Wedding. March 30th Had a delightfully unconventional "shower" last night. We invited princesses of all ages to the palace for a giant slumber party, including mattress surfing down the main staircase. It was a riot! Even Grandmother joined in, looking dignified while doing it. It was nice to let myself go and just be a regular girl again. Pretty soon I'll be in charge of a country and fun time? Well, Buh-bye. April 2nd I caved to temptation last night and snuck  out with Jim to the lake for a moonlight walk. I should be strong enough to resist him, but those eyes just DO things to me and he seems to be much more than an insufferable, cocky rich guy. We really talked this time and I learned about his life and growing up with no parents and I told him about New York and Gaila and my Mom and how awkward it was learning to be a princess. "You're doing a pretty fantastic job, in my opinion," he told me. "You really do care about the people and the country. My uncle is so wrong." "You really think so?" I asked (He was holding my hand at this point). "Sure do." He smiled at me and my heart did a flip again. Shoving the guilt aside, I stayed with him. We danced in the moonlight and curled up under a tree and dozed off. Bad idea. Next thing I know, there come the paparazzi and I'm running away in rage and panic, wondering if it was all a set up by Jim to create a scandal and wreck the wedding. I really need to make better choices. April 3rd Well, there was a wedding today, but not mine. I couldn't go through with it, not after searching my own heart and realizing I'm in love with someone else. It's not fair to Spock, logical as he's been about the whole thing. When Joe told me that James had NOT planted those paps to ruin me and he believed the young man was besotted with me, well, the was the finishing touch. I went out there and told Spock I couldn't go through with it. He was very gracious as usual and I think I detected a faint trace of relief on his part. Then the good ole Viscount got up and started haranguing me again and how he wouldn't stand for this. After he stormed out in a huff, the Prime Minister came up and told me now was a good time to convince Parliament to change the rules. "They're waiting to be convinced. Go after them and tell them what's what. Don't back down." I always liked the Prime Minister. Lord Pike is a good man. Up I got and explained why women are perfectly capable of ruling a country without a husband. Most of them seemed to be receptive, but one old fellow had to ask "What does the other heir think?" There was a silence, and James stood up, much to my surprise. I certainly didn't expect him to be there after everything that happened to be there. He looked like he'd had a bad night, but what he said warmed me through. He backed me up completely!! Even said he utterly refused to be king because he felt the crown was mine and I would be a great queen. "Plus, she'll look lovely on all our postage stamps," he added saucily, with a smile at me. Once he'd finished, he turned and left without further ado, leaving me both grateful and puzzled. The Prime Minister called for a vote right then and there and the law was overturned. That wasn't the end of the surprises, though. Grandmother stood up and declared it would be a shame to waste all the bridal plans, so she and Joe would be filling in as the happy couple. It's very unlike her to be so impulsive, but the two of them together has been a long time coming and I gladly played bridesmaid as they were united in marriage. What a day!!! April 16th I passed the archery test with flying colors and the coronation will proceed tomorrow as planned. I'm really nervous about it, but this evening something wonderful happened. I was lounging in my drawing room, Scotty beside me on his little doggy throne, when Jim appeared and knelt before me. "What is your dilemma, young man?" I asked him playfully. Those big blue eyes were looking at me so intensely, I thought I would drown in them. "I am in love with the queen to be and am inquiring as to whether she loves me too." I admit, I launched myself at him in a very unqueenly manner and we held each other tightly, finally giving in to the electricity between us. Then he whispered "Nyota!" In my ear in a longing, loving tone and I kissed the daylights out of him. How I love that man. Scotty was annoyed at losing my undivided attention and stalked off in high dudgeon, yipping, but we were too busy to care. I'll make it up to him. April 18th The coronation went off with much pomp and circumstance. I now understand what they mean when they say "heavy is the head that wears the crown". Not only is it a huge responsibility to be ruler of a country, but the crown is literally HEAVY. My head was sweating the whole day. Between Grandmother, Joe, Gaila, and Jim, I was subtly encouraged by my loved ones and made it through the long ceremonies fairly well. Grandmother bustles around looking proud, Joe kept the throng from getting too big, Gaila smiled, and Jim looked dazzled and proud and utterly gorgeous. Even Spock attended with Carol sticking to his side. I think those two might have a thing going...... (Skips over a year of entries until the next June) June 6th I married Jim yesterday. It truly was the best day of my life and Mom got to be there, which was wonderful. I'd felt weird wearing the same dress that I'd originally picked out to marry someone else, so the original was auctioned for charity to support the orphanage. My new gown was a simple long white satin with elegant sheer sleeves and delicate crystals scattered over it. It moved beautifully as well, and Jim seemed to like it judging by the countless times he's told me how gorgeous I am. He's no slouch either, rocking that royal uniform with confidence and style. Joe walked me down the aisle, which made Grandmother very happy. (Was that a tear I saw in her eye?) Jim's eyes were just glowing as we exchanged vows and I hope I was able to convey my own love and joy so perfectly. "How does it feel to be a prince?" I asked him when it was over. "Not as good as being your husband," he answered softly, kissing my hand regally. I swooned inwardly. Who could help it? Just as we started our first dance, he looked down at his feet with feigned anxiety. "Are my toes safe today?" He asked, the rascal, bringing up our awkward first two meetings. I laughed. "You bet, baby." Well, Jim is starting to stir beside me and I think I saw one blue eye open a bit, so I'd better stop for now. I will say, he has totally cute bedhead! I think I'm going to ruffle it up some more.

[the314anoman]

2018 sucked

it was probably the shittiest year of my life, and that’s not an easy title to claim. let’s recap:

it all started way back in early january, when our subway came under new ownership and we got a new manager, who had worked there for a shorter period than i had (yeah, i was part-time working during college, she was full-time, but w/e) and it all went downhill fast. our manager wasn’t bad, she just was just trying to deal with all the new regulations we were facing and the fact that we were Massively Understaffed™ for being located in a fucking mall. like, for contrast, our old managers let us get away with not turning the line coolers off at night if we were really busy, but under the new owners, we had to clean the legs of tables to get the salt of them. i decided to quit in march after having minors stay and help me close even though they were off the clock since they were required to punch out at 9:30 and still getting yelled at for staying too long and not making everything Perfect. it was so stressful trying to work both faster and harder, so i quit. then, college got out in april and i was looking for internships all over and applying everywhere, but i never got even so much as an interview request. so, june came and i just said “fuck it” and applied to other subways closer to home. ended up getting an interview the next day at a different subway, 2 miles from the old one. i got the job and starting working to find out the subway was also Massively Understaffed™ but the manager was more chill, so it seemed fine. turns out the reason the manager was chill is that he was high. like, all the time. this resulted in him having the memory of a goldfish. like, i specifically told him and his assistant manager that i couldn’t work one day and yet he still called asking where i was when i very plainly explained it twice. and he also scheduled a meeting on the day i request off for my niece’s baptism. at 8am. on a sunday. at the same time, i managed to get an interview at a local factory. it wasn’t really an internship nor in my field, but it was a job and it paid $12/hr so i was like, hell yeah, why not. i managed to get the job and started july 1st, which was great, buuuuuut... the job was super boring; it was pretty much doing the same repetitive tasks over and over again for 7.5 hours a day while ~~listening~~ being subjected to country music. BUT, we got 3 breaks a day and it was nice having a chill job. i came up with a lot of really good writing ideas for a novel that’s been a super long wip because my mind was mostly free during work since it was so repetitive. at this time, i’m still working at subway, mostly weekends and some 5-close shifts. i’m not getting a whole lot of sleep and so that probably explains what happens on july 25th, probably the single shittiest day of my life. i get into the factory and the normal manager is gone on vacation and one of my coworkers is taking over. she tells me that i’ve been missing the least important step in the process of making some parts that i’ve been doing for days now. so naturally, i mess it up a couple more times, but only when she’s watching, because ofc. this happens 3 times and the third time i kind of chuckle to myself because i’m literally only doing it when she’s watching. she takes this to mean i’m laughing at her and yells at me about how i think it’s a joke and blah blah blah, like that’s not what i meant at all but she won’t let me explain. THEN, i get out of work and i’m already on the verge of tears because i have a migraine from lack of sleep and i hate getting yelled at, and i see a text i got while at work (we’re not allowed phones on our person at all at the factory. national security stuff apparently) that my grandma is in the hospital and not going to make it. i just... lose it. i go home and just sit outside on a chair, cuddling my cat and gross sobbing for the first time i can recall. i’m supposed to work a 5-9 shift at subway tonight, but i am not in any state to work. i call them through tears saying i can’t work tonight, i’m visiting my grandma in the hospital in muskegon, an hour away. she’s unconscious when i get there. she dies an hour later, while me and my family are eating dinner downstairs in the basement where there’s no signal. eventually tomorrow comes. it’s now july 26th, which if you know me, is my birthday. my 21st birthday, in fact. you know how for most people, their 21st is the best day of your life? yeah, it was one of the worst for me. i still had to get up at 6am for the factory work, then run home, get changed, and work 5-9 at subway. the only bright spot were two helpful coworkers. one from the factory gave me a butterscotch shot, saying you should still try and enjoy your birthday and my subway coworker bought a hershey pie for me and gave me a hug and some helpful advice. (she had been through a similar experience with her mom passing, so she knew a lot about grief.) i took her advice on letting yourself be happy and decided to go to my friends’ meetup that weekend, which i had requested off from subway previously. it’s a while away, but this was planned a long time ago and i don’t get to see my college friends in the summer other than this, so i’m not missing this. but, when i’m almost there i get a call from subway insisting that i work this weekend to make up for missing my 4 hour shift yesterday. i’m furious because i missed it for legitimate reasons and i was already over 2 hours away and i was NOT driving back. (the reason they’re insisting is because they don’t want to pay my coworker overtime, despite the fact she’s living in a trailer park only off her subway income, too.) they say they might have to fire me and i’m like, sure, i have another job and i already put in my 2 weeks lol. so i go there and try to forget this whole week ever happened. the funeral is on monday, the factory gives me it off so i can attend. there’s lots of tears. lots and lots. my grandma touched a lot of people’s lives; she’s one of the kindest people i’ve ever known. she probably would have supported my sexuality if i ever told her, i regret not doing so earlier. i come back to my factory job on tuesday, and as if the universe is answering some unanswered “could things get any worse?” the hiring manager informs me i’m fired, as if it had to be july 31st, to add to the shithole that july 2018 was. this was a temp position to begin with, and i was leaving in a couple weeks anyway, but this is just another blow to an already grieving 21-year-old. i may have just lost both my jobs and my grandmother in the span of 7 days. i leave the factory and get in my car and just. scream. time passes. the pain of july slowly fades from a roaring inferno all over my body to a dull pulsing. good things start to happen again. i move into an apartment with 3 friends, get a job at the theatre after a lot of paperwork issues, i make the cut for an a capella group and find new friends, develop a crush on someone (something i haven’t really had since high school - but that’s a story for another time), and actually start getting my shit together. things are definitely looking up, despite the fact i had the worst month of life a couple months ago. ...and then comes december, as if it’s trying to challenge july to a battle for shittiest month ever. final exams are coming up, i spend a lot of the previous week leading up to exams rehearsing for performances (i had 4 performances in a week’s span), not much studying could be done. not that studying would help that much, as we would see, but w/e. i ended up forgetting my book with all the important formulas and relationships in it that are too complex to memorize, so i completely bombed that final, and therefore failed the whole class. i’m already having to take an extra semester, failing this class does NOT help. i barely stayed above a 3.0 gpa, a requirement for most internships. on the same day we got final grades back, my mom got a call saying my grandpa had died, only a week before christmas. my whole family went back up to do the whole funeral thing again. we are getting awfully familiar with this nursing home (my mom lost both her parents and an uncle in 5 months). finally, on new year’s eve i decide it’s either now or never to admit my feelings, so i ask my crush out. i get rejected, which is mostly what i expected, but it still knocks the wind out of me. so yeah, 2018 was super extra shitty for me. but at the same time, i feel like i’ve grown a lot as a person. i’ve made a bunch of new friends, gained a niece, learned a lot about pain, and done a lot of things i never thought i’d do. hell, i had the balls to ask a guy out, which was something that frightened me to my core. i went on a trip to dc and learned more about the injustices happening here, i went camping/hiking with friends, and went tubing behind a boat. so, i’m not gonna pretend it’s all bad.

[arcticdementor]

The Paths Ahead

Author Sarah Hoyt gives four scenarios for the not-too-distant future:

1. “Pie in the Sky”:

In this scenario people set themselves free.  At some point, they get tired of the disaster porn the media is feeding them and get out of their basements, and look around to realize that no, we’re not all dying like flies, there are no bodies on the streets, the hospitals are so far from overwhelmed that doctors and nurses are choreographing dance numbers in the hallways, all while grandma’s cancer gets worse, and mom goes without heart surgery because the government closed the hospitals, to make way for a surge of COVID-19 deaths that never happened.

Then people get angry and jam the streets and start screaming and yelling and refusing to be arrested. They, in fact, become the America Hong Kong thinks we are.

The governors, in terror, realize they’ve gone too far, and lost all plausible cover.

If this happens soon enough, it will be tight this winter, but not outright famine.  If this happens soon enough, and Trump realizes it (if he has a talent, it is reading people) he puts the blame squarely where it belongs.  He denounces “governing by “experts”” and does a 90 degree turn and tells us how we were fooled.  And what the media and the DNC (BIRM) did to the country, all to put their spokeszombie in charge.

…

In ten years, from a happy, prosperous America starting to colonize space, we look back at this moment of utter insanity and say “yeah, but without it, the breakage of the old institutions would have been slower, more painful, and we’d have ended up in a more centralized and less free society.”

2. “It Could Be Worse”

As the lockdown extended into July in some places, and the other places were far from normal, as the obviousness mounted of shortages, and that those who had presumed to tell us what to do were not only wrong but criminally so, unrest started to happen.

The fourth of July was bad across the country, as the nation woke to what had happened in Sacramento, and there was a brief attempt to demonize “militias” which had worked so well under Clinton.  But while horrified by the events shown on TV, America as a whole had listened to the media for the last time. So the attempt had the opposite effect.  One on one, neighborhood by neighborhood, neighbors started talking, organizing. At least in the functional parts of the country, this resembled more a mutual aid society.  “Oh, your computer needs a part my dead computer might have.” and “I see little Timmy has outgrown his shoes. Well, since they still won’t let thrift stores happen and clothing stores are having supply issues, let me see if I have a pair Billy wore only for a month before his growth spurt.”

…

As cold hits and  the personnel to man power plants isn’t always available — the authorities are still being paranoid about colds and there are union rules — even those who are self-sufficient pass some very cold nights.  Media’s dramatization of homeless freezing in the streets is shrugged off by a population that is scrambling for the next meal (having money doesn’t mean there’s food you can afford.) Strangely a lot of the homeless clean up. More than freeze or starve? Who knows. It’s not like the media covers those.  There are also some brutal crimes, some food riots, neighborhoods perceived as “rich” under siege by those who wish to redistribute.  No one knows how many. The media makes it sound like “they’re coming for you next, and you must elect socialists to save you.”  The socialist rethoric is now strident.  You’re fairly sure 2020 has lasted a lifetime. Your doctor is still only sporadically in, as your local government takes sudden panics over “infection.” And you know damn well that grandma wouldn’t have died of her cancer if she’d had some chemo. She was only in her early seventies, too, and you were counting on her for babysitting.

When the famine hit in the rest of the world, including parts of Europe, most people didn’t even notice.  They noticed the push at the border. They noticed politicians talking about the brotherhood of man and how we should open our borders and ship all our food abroad.  In a leaner — literally — and more food-anxious population this goes over like a lead balloon.

Which is probably why all hell breaks loose when the election results come in and the international socialists won.

…

They don’t recommend you teach your kids about the winter of 20-21 until they’re mature enough. They leave it to you to decide what mature enough is, but for most people it’s just before franchise. Which is now 21 in most states and restricted in the way each state decided.

…

Most states agree that you’re an adult after you served in the army or have been married for 3 years with at least one child.  SSM?  Well, some states allow it. Cut your cloth to fit your pattern. You might have to immigrate to another state. Yes, it’s a pain now a days. But that’s the result of sending power back to the states and disempowering the out of touch feds.

Whether the fiddly bits of the person you marry are unlike yours or not, devolving to local rule means Mrs. Grundy has a say.  The Karens didn’t go away. But instead of policing you for compliance with mask policy or compliance with the latest SJW command, after the boog the Karens want you to know you should be married, faithful and living a life just like everyone else.

We never go social credit or intrusion by the state. But we find out the tyranny of our neighbors is just as strong.

Oh, the boog was brief but horrible.  Between it and increasing economic disorganization, we lost more people and wealth than we could afford.  The US is a young country. Neighborhoods are full of children. Most of the children are either homeschooled, or schooled in neighborhood-arranged schools so the parents can go to work.  Admission to college (rare) or trade school is by merit exam. No one collects data on the race of the applicants. They seem representative of the area it’s drawn from.

But college or trade school come after the army.  Mandatory for men. Voluntary for women.  Strangely no one complains women aren’t given combat posts, by and large (there are exceptions.  The beast is always hungry), probably because serving in the army has a real chance of dying.  People joke about it, nervously, as “have two and one for the war.”  Most people have more, simply because they remember the twenties and how the elderly with no support network …  well, most of them didn’t starve. But it wasn’t pretty.

3. “Cry Havoc”

It was around June the rocket went up.  No one was quite sure what caused it, because it didn’t happen in JUST one place, but seemed to happen everywhere in the space of a week.

…

Someday when there is enough leisure and money somewhere to study the matter, someone will discover the true, first trigger to armed insurrection.

Was it when New Jersey, for the upteenth time blocked a protest and started arresting protestors?  Was it people protesting the closure of their local hospital being shot on by state guard in another state?  Was it the food riots in Chicago? Or the subway riots in New York City?

Figuring it out is more complicated because the media never reported these until it was everywhere at once.  People woke up one morning to find out the nearest large-ish city was burning, there were shots nearby, and large, angry mobs in the street, and your nearest highway was bound to be blocked.

They did the sane thing and hunkered down, this time for cause, turned on the TV — mostly showing governors assuring people everything was all right — and waited for things to calm down.

They didn’t.

…

We are in the tenth year of the rebellion.  You’d think it would have burned out by now, but there is just enough coherence and order to keep food on the table — sort of — most places.

Yes, the US army has engaged, but no one is even sure on what side.  The answer is probably “on all”.  We believe they are trying, most of all, to restore peace, except there is very little left.  And a conventional army always has trouble with guerilla warfare.

Ordinary Americans still live, through this.  Those who can work from home, if home is in a safe place and they can find a market for their work.  And you remember how you hit the net during a snow storm, to find out what streets were safe to drive on? Same thing. Only it’s with gunfire and explosions as the risk.  Informal networks, both of neighborhood and on line also communicate when food is available and where.  You might even be able to find your local doctor, who is often operating way outside his specialty and with no materials but is better than nothing.

The possibility of driving to the grocery store and finding yourself in the middle of a pitched battle is always there.

…

There are rumors of a force marching on Washington DC to capture it and make some sort of order. Some people say it is the US military itself. Other people… well, reports vary.

Orders are given periodically purporting to come from the government, but since everything comes through informal networks, it’s impossible to be sure.  We thought they had a network just for this?

This can’t go on forever.  Right now, what’s happening is people leaving places they feel are hostile to join either family or their ideological brethren.  That too is an order of sorts. The population is choosing territory.

4. “The Boot”

It started with Winnie the Flu, and looking around and wondering why everyone else had gone mad.  Shockingly even a lot of people who were smart and whom you’d have considered rational and freedom lovers went all in on the side of the lockdown, and swore it was all justified, even though the rules made no sense and most of them had nothing to do with disease.

…

BUT the few people who screamed about this were dismissed as “denialists.”  Apparently denialists of the end of the world.

And the government band played on.

And the two weeks turned into a month and a half to three months lockdown, destroying businesses, livelihoods, lives, and disrupting many supply chains including those for food. The fact people were confined in the house, watching TV 24/7 and that TV was non stop doom porn didn’t help.  It never occurred to anyone that if TV could dramatize everyone under 80 who died, it was because there were so few of them.  Instead people panicked.

…

There was a “temporary” lockdown in November and in the all vote by mail the left party won a stunning victory that might or might not have more votes than logical or plausible.

But people were too scared, some of the virus, some of the already precarious conditions. Too busy trying to find food.

The unlocking in December was trusted-people first.  And in the aftermath — because the virus was so bad, you see — strict tracking of every citizen was instituted. Strict social credit too.

Want to keep a blog, or talk on your phone more than peer-to-peer one person at a time? Your social credit has to be perfect.

No one knows how many people died the winter of 20/21 or how many by famine and how many by bullet.  Many a hunter in the woods, accidentally uncovers a mass grave, but if he knows what’s good for him, he doesn’t talk, and when the police who track the phone he must carry later ask what he saw, if he knows what’s good for him, he saw nothing.  With a few years of staying silent, he might be trusted again.

And he has to be trusted. Everyone does. Otherwise buying necessities is impossible. They’re so scarce anyway.  And having a job is a privilege. Receiving your dole if you don’t work is a privilege too.

…

If you manage to kill someone important on camera, you just sealed a death warrant for everyone you know. And the viewers, if they’re smart, will forget.

Periodically, if the rulers sense something particularly unsettled, they might lock down an entire region. It’s always a “virus.”

After 2028 they stopped bothering with the elections.  We don’t know why power changes sometimes, only that the new face shows up on TV and nothing changes.

But we’re living. More or less.  Most people live.  We’re told people abroad aren’t that lucky.  of course, no one not cleared has gone abroad in a long time.

Maybe some day someone will rebel in the name of freedom again, but food is so scarce, and even talking of how things used to be will get your ration card pulled.

[zenithjournal-blog]

7.17.17 / 8

So… it’s been a while. It’s 1:24 am right now. Yeah, yikes. I just spent literally 45 minutes or more searching for the goddamn email to this account because I couldn’t remember it aghhhhh that was annoying. But don’t worry, I’m learning from my mistakes and I’m writing all my emails and accounts down now lol.

I should’ve kept this going. I wish I would’ve documented my senior year which was basically the fucking point of this blog to help me gather my thoughts and memories through such a crazy time. And it was crazy. Good, bad, ugly, and very ugly. I have some good memories and I’ve done things this year that I’m not proud of and I never thought I’d do. I wish I could erase some things but that’s the tricky thing about time. It’s linear right now in this tiny, human, 2017 perspective and I can’t change it. All I can do is learn, grow as a person, and move on I suppose.

I’m gonna do a review of everything I can remember of the highlights. Starting off with my teachers: I ended up really disliking Mr. and Mrs. D by the end of the year. Mrs. D gave me hell this year, partly my fault but unnecessary grief on her part. At least I got Hamlet and Siddhartha from Mr. D and I wrote a 10 pg paper about parallel universes that I’m very proud of. Nonetheless both their classes were struggles. I liked Latin a lot in the beginning and Mr. Du of course but honestly I kind of dreaded the class being the only senior. It was kind of pointless at the end besides the credit. I did get some useful knowledge out of it honestly, so it wasn’t a waste I guess. Bio was great I looked forward to the class pretty much every day. Mrs. A was such a sweetheart, so caring and funny and smart I loved having her and being able to have a chill class during the day. She made me feel comfortable enough to talk during class and ask questions, something I never really did during high school. I’ll definitely miss her. I weaseled my way into Mr. F’s class somehow and I had Liz so I didn’t wanna die as much as I expected to lol. Art class was kind of up and down. Ms. C filled in for Mrs. S for a few months and I grew to really like her and was sad to see her go. I wasn’t really looking forward to Mrs. S coming back to be honest because of how strict she can be with some things but she is really a nice teacher and she likes me a lot. She encouraged me and complimented my art work a ton throughout the year and I’m really grateful for that. I entered my self portrait into scholastics and I won the gold key award!!!! I’m proud of myself and Mom and Dad and Grandma and Papa and Mrs. C of course were thrilled and were all there to support me that day. Mrs. W was suuuuch a sweetheart, I really loved her this year. I’ve never been able to say I liked math class, liked my math teacher, and most unexpectedly- understood the math I was being taught. She really did make such a difference for me this year I’m so so so grateful I got her this year she was so understanding of my vertigo and helped me make up all my assignments and stand up to guidance when they gave me trouble. I’ll miss her a lot and won’t forget her impact.

So in the beginning of the year I was dealing with all the stupid drama with “O”. I’m mad at myself for acting the way I do when I’m in situations where I don’t want to talk to people anymore, I don’t know why I can’t just be up front. I really hope I can work like that because it really ate at me the way I treated her. She was making me uncomfortable and it was a sketchy situation but no one deserves to be treated like that and I need to fix that about myself. But that ended around the end of November when I finally started to post on social media again. I hung out with Timmy, Kate, and Laura practically all the time in the beginning of the year. We had Laura’s birthday party in November which was fun. However, September through about December was kind of a blur. I lost my drive to seek out spirituality and was disconnected from positivity. I was focused on bad decisions involving substances that I never thought I would go near. It was honestly a pretty dark time. I was depressed and looking back I’m just disappointed in myself. I lost sight of things that were important and healthy. It did continue on for a few months but I’ll get to that.

Halloween was probably the first instance since the summer when I realized the friendship between me and Laura faltering. In the summer she was going through one of the worst times in her life and I completely understand that. But she pushed me away and didn’t listen to me and she pulled some shitty stuff over me that I never thought someone would do to me, especially her. I was hurt. Then when the really bad stuff happened to her I sucked it up and I was there for her because being there when she needed support was more important than whatever I was feeling. So we were on good terms again but it was different. On Halloween when she was just being weird about our costumes was when I felt that tear again. It sounds dramatic but I don’t know how to describe it, that’s just what I felt. Then things kind of went smoothly between us for a while.

Christmas came around and I had a really nice holiday. I don’t think there was any fights and I just had a fun time. I took Timmy to the Christmas party and it may have been later that night or the next day I went to my first house party. It didn’t last that long but yeah. Then on New Years Eve I went to my first REAL party at the same place, it was crazy. I really did have a lot of fun and I danced the whole night. But enough of that, onto other stuff. In January I turned 18. I didn’t have a huge party or anything but I hung out with my family and I went to a couple places with Timmy that night. Trump got placed into presidency officially so that was pretty depressing obviously. I had the scholastics awards later that month and unfortunately more bad stuff happened with Timmy. It was a rough time, I just want the best for him.

I drew a lot in February and took a lot of cute pictures. I was getting back into a positive mindset and I was happier this month. I started watching Koi again. Spirit week for my senior year actually went well. I participated and took pictures every day, can you imagine? Tell that to freshman year Carina and she’ll laugh in your face. I was in the art banner group so I contributed something and it felt nice to say that for once. I went out of my comfort zone, even if it was just a little and dressed up each day. I cheered on gym day with Timmy and we won! I felt included for once.

March was another pretty good month, I was still pretty positive and getting back into a spiritual mindset. I forgot to mention earlier about going to clay- the best thing ever! Me and Liz really reconnected this year and we went to clay pretty regularly since about October til it ended and I really really enjoyed it. I picked up throwing and I was pretty decent at it. I went a lot during March and made a lot of pottery. It was my happy place and I’m really glad I had a positive space for myself to express myself and hang out. The whole St. Patty’s day parade fiasco happened. This is when I started feeling disconnected from Laura again.

In April it pretty much continued from March, clay, koi, and pretty good vibes. It was a really art based month and so was May. I drew another yoongi portrait which turned out to be my bed art piece yet. I’m still extremely proud of it. I love drawing him so much. When I realized I wasn’t going to get into temple I shifted my focus into CHC. I visited it and pretty much forced myself into thinking it was right for me. I was wrong, but we’ll get to that.

A few days after that I went on the art club trip to the Barnes foundation which was so freaking fun!!!! The art was so pretty and I had such a nice time I loved it so much. May was like the month of flowers for me lol. I ran the art show again and had a great time setting up and showing off my art. I was positive and surrounded my self with spirituality. I started watching Dakota and Claire who I really connect with. I’m glad I found these beautiful souls.

To side track: Laura started basically just ignoring me for weeks at a time around these months for a reason I still don’t know. I don’t know if I did something or if she was going through something… I was upset about it regardless. I felt like I was losing my best friend and I didn’t know why. I still don’t. After everything we’ve been through I don’t want to lose her. I love her as a friend and I just don’t know what changed in a year. I’ll get back to this.

June snuck up on me FAST. This was it. 16 days and I was done with high school. Shitty freshman year, rollercoaster sophomore year, blurry junior year, and my indescribable senior year. It was all coming to a close. The trip to Hershey was a blast, I had a lot of fun and I was dead by the end of the day. I hung out with Timmy for the day because Laura and Kate didn’t show up. This was when things were still super weird between me and Laura. We were talking but it was just weird.

My last week of high school finals came. I studied kind of lol but kind of not but passed everything nonetheless. I said goodbye to the teachers that I’d miss and that was it. I’m getting a little emotional writing this now. All the graduation and class day practices came which was a blur. Some of my last moments with my class. Baccalaureate happened and Laura actually came to dinner with my family and I after. It seemed actually normal for a second. Then came class day. I walked with Timmy and I felt pretty in my dress. I got loads of pictures with my friends and I got to talk to Rachel quite a bit. I really do love her, she was my first friend and is still one of the kindest people I know. Jenn sent me a graduation gift around this time filled with Mexican candy, a lovely letter, and a beautiful necklace. I don’t know what I did to deserve her honestly she is so kind and positive and I’m so grateful to have met her.

Graduation day. I made my cap an hour before heading to the school, I might as well be rushing for the last school event. We loaded the buses and headed to the high school. While waiting in the line I got to see Mr. H. I got to hug him and tell him how much I missed him and he said the same and told me to keep in touch. I should’ve emailed him but I feel weird to do it now considering what I’ll get to in a bit. We walked past everyone and walked into the gym. I found my family while walking to my seat and tried not to get emotional. The ceremony was honestly a blur. I got my diploma and soon the hats were thrown. I turned right for my family and they were so proud. I gave lots of hugs took lots of pics and soon the night was over. That’s it. High school is done. It didn’t really hit me until a week or two later. This chapter is closed.

Then summer started a few weeks ago. Things were the weirdest they’ve been between me Timmy, Kate, and Laura. It was like we split in half, we just weren’t talking and they’d ignore us. Me and timmy didn’t and still don’t know why. Eventually we hung out but it was still just super fucking weird. We hung out 3 times this summer, it’s just not what I pictured it to be.

Speaking of that. College. So no surprise my anxiety got the best of me. Sort of. I’ve just been so overwhelmed with the thought of leaving from the money situation, me having no life skills, being away from my family, having a stranger for a roommate, having a public bathroom, not being able to make my schedule- I just blew up a week ago today. I cried by myself, hyperventilating and just full on panic attack on the guest bed. I couldn’t do it. The next day I broke down in front of my mom. She got of the phone about financial aid and I just crumbled I was a sobbing mess on the kitchen table and just let it all out for once and I told her what I was feeling. This morning it was brought up again. Tomorrow I was supposed to go for my orientation day but I just broke down again when my mom brought it up and then she broke down. I felt guilty honestly. I don’t want to disappoint my parents but I want to lead my life the way I want it to go. My dad came in and I just broke down a slobbering mess again and told them everything. He took it well and agreed that I shouldn’t rush into everything. I don’t know why I let things bottle up. I don’t know why I expect him to take everything badly when he’s so understanding and so is my mom. I love them so much I’m crying. They always support me and I’m so grateful for them I love them so much I love them so much I love them so much I love them so much I love them so much. I don’t know what I’d do without my parents they’re my rock. I’m crying in the bathroom right now it’s 2:56am and I’m trying so hard to see to type.

Okay I’m trying to calm down. This is so raw. I’ve been so overwhelmed with emotions and this is the first time I’m really just letting myself express them and just cry?? Like not over a stupid tv show but actually cry about things happening in my life and letting my parents see and help me through my problems. I think this is good. I’m confused about my life right now and what decisions to make but I think my soul is trying to guide me in the right direction and I’m trying to be more free and trust in my gut and stand up for what I want to do. Honestly, at this point I don’t want to go to college at all. I’m in a mindset that I’ve never been in before where I just want to live a free-spirited, happy, lowkey, spiritual life. I don’t want money, or status, or a huge job or house or any of the material stuff that used to cloud my brain. I just want peace in my lifetime. I want to fill my soul with spiritual happiness. However I can’t just abandon my parents hopes completely. They’re already so fucking understanding of how I feel about letting me take off a year and figure things out. I guess I’ll at least give college a chance but I just want to go to community college or something. I don’t want a fancy life or wealth or whatever. I know they want what they think is best for me which is college and a good paying job and a husband and a white picket fence but that’s just not me. I know they only want the best I do. And I know they’re gonna think they’re failures if I turn out otherwise because my mom already blames herself and it is tearing me up inside that she thinks that but it’s not anything to be ashamed of for me to want something different than the herd of society and I just want them to see that. I want a simple life where I can just make enough to get by and be happy and comfortable with what I’m doing and travel the world and who knows if I’ll get a house or kids or even a spouse. I don’t know what the future holds for me. But I just want them to be happy for me and accept my decisions and lifestyle and not think that they’ve done a bad job as parents because of how I am. As much as I feel their support right now I feel pressured to be someone I don’t want to be at the same time.

I don’t know. I’ll probably continue that talk some other time when I father more thoughts but I feel overwhelmed again and my chest is tight and I just need to breathe. I’ll be okay. That’s enough of that.

Ok.

This is so fucking long lol but what do you expect for not writing for a year Carina? So to wrap things up: this year was insane. I probably missed a lot of stuff. I’m dealing with future plans right now. I really hope I can work things out with Laura, I talked to her a bit tonight and told her about what I just talked about so that’s progress I guess? I built a better relationship with my parents this year and it’s only growing stronger. I want to work on stuff with my brother too because I’ve been the worst sister to him and he doesn’t deserve that. I need to treat people in my life better and I’m working on that. I’m in a wild emotional state and I’m trying to calm down. I’m trying to get myself to read more so I can read spiritual books and educate myself. It’s just been so hard to read lately? I don’t know why. I want to surround myself with positivity from here on out. Quit bad habits. Be around positive people or at least positive voices. I just want to be happy for once. This can be my chance to turn myself around. I hope it works out.

[janeykath318]

The Princess Uhura Diaries

June 6 This girl is a college graduate!!! Woohoo! So happy to have my degree at last. Harvard is no joke, believe me. Even Grandmother almost smiled at me when I saw her after the ceremony. I may fall short in the social graces, but she can’t doubt my brains! Celebrated with the girls, then said goodbye and Scotty the Royal Terrier and I are now on the plane back to Genovia. I’ll miss my school sisters big time, but duty calls. I’m being groomed for queenhood someday and Grandmother wants me back there for more tutoring in the ways of being royal. Sigh.

June 8th

Landed back in Genovia yesterday and found a couple big surprises. Grandmother renovated and updated a new suite for me. It’s mind-blowing luxurious. The walk in closet is to DIE for. That’ll come in handy for my extensive shoe collection. The bathroom is larger than my whole bedroom at Mom’s and the bed…..well, it’s every princess’s dream. But that wasn’t the only thing that surprised me. When I went in to my giant closet, who should pop up but Gaila, my bestie from New York!! There was lots of squealing and catching up after that. She came all the way over here for my party, bless her heart.

June 15th I survived the party, thanks to Gaila and the cute guy I almost ran over on the dance floor. Yum-yum. It started Off like any other royal bash, me coming forth in my fancy gown introduced to a crowd of nobles and diplomats and forced to dance with a motley assortment of stuffed shirts. Ugh. The Pimply French kid was the worst. Then there was the awkward Swedish prince who stepped on my toes three times. I was so relieved to get away from him, I ran smack dab into some poor guy just standing there minding his own business, stepping on his foot even.

He kind of doubled over for a second and I apologized as profusely as I could, dying with embarrassment at my perpetual clumsiness. Then he looked up at me and I met the most stunning pair of blue eyes I’d ever seen. He was kind of surprised himself I think, before he recovered and I made a joke about insurance information to which he smoothly replied in kind. It was almost flirting, but I was so relieved to finally meet a decent guy, I agreed to a dance almost before he’d finished asking.

June 16th

So much for a decent guy. Turns out he’s gunning for my crown!! Today Gran had an uncomfortable meeting with parliament and they brought up the old law that requires a female to be married in order to inherit the crown!! I thought they’d done away with anachronistic, sexist rules like that. Evidently not. So, I’ve got to get myself a man before my next birthday or this James Tiberius Kirk brat gets a chance to lay claim to the throne. I don’t know how, but his Uncle, the Viscount Mabry, said he should get the throne because he’s more familiar with the Genovian society. Then, he brought him over to live here for the summer! When I saw who it was, well, I was steamed and disappointed. Let’s just say, this time, when I stepped on his foot, it wasn’t an accident. Gran said afterward, “As a Queen, I cannot condone it, but as a Grandma, I say RIGHT ON!!” I love that woman.

June 22

Ever since HE moved in, I feel on edge everyday, like they’re looking for reasons I shouldn’t be allowed to rule. The Viscount is always sneering and sniffing at me and James is trying to pretend like he’s not a lying scumbag. If it weren’t for Gaila’s refreshing presence, I’d have ripped out my hair by now, or thrown myself in the duck pond. First there was the embarrassing episode with the runaway chicken. I admit, it was stupid of me to open the clucking basket, but James looked way too tickled by my mortification.

Then there was the inspection of the guard and I had to ride sidesaddle past the whole company without looking like I was in mortal fear of falling to a terrible demise. Of course, the supposedly calm horse spooked at something and knocked me on my rear anyway. Needless to say, my humiliation was complete, AGAIN. I saw Joe looking very grim and somewhat menacing at the Viscount, but I have no idea why. James had the goodness to keep his mouth shut for once.

June 27 Gram is dead set on finding me a husband now. She loathes the Viscount and his schemes to get his nephew the throne. So she and Joe started vetting possible candidates and last night Gaila and looked through the options. It felt creepy. Who wants to pick their husband like he’s a dinner option on a menu? But Parliament would have to abolish the longheld law with a two-thirds vote, and The Prime Minister says there isn’t enough opposition to get the required votes. I can tell that bothers him, but his hands are tied.

So, we scrolled through various young lords and princes until we came to a nice looking Vulcan by the name of Spock. He’s tall, dark, and very handsome, with cute pointy ears and looks very calm and logical like most of his species. I gave him the thumbs up and Gram declared she would invite him to visit Genovia immediately. I’m not promising to marry the guy, but I need something to keep me from thinking about those blue eyes!!! (Darn them) James still keeps trying to convince me our lie dance wasn’t a lie and he really did enjoy it!!

July 1st.

Today was the Founder’s Day Parade. As the princess and heir to the throne, I am obligated to sit on a float and wave at the crowds beside Grandmother. It’s totally not my thing, but necessary for public relations. So up I got, pleased that James had to experience the same discomfort with his pompous windbag uncle. Despite my dislike of him, I have to admit he was pretty smooth at the mingling with the masses part and not nearly as uncomfortable as I’d hoped. I forgot about that when I passed the girls from the orphanage and saw the wistful expression in those eyes. Impulsively, I got down from the float and invited the girls to walk with me at the front. After all, in my view, every girl deserves to feel like a princess even if they never see a tiara. It ended up being the best part of the day and Gram didn’t even really scold me. Even James told me sincerely it was a sweet thing to do.

July 8th

Spock arrived and we met in person for the first time. Let’s just say he’s even more handsome in real life and has those dark brown eyes that aren’t hiding any nefarious designs! (Unlike some) We get along well, if it was a little awkward at first. Vulcans are very literal and logical and don’t always get the jokes, so I try not to get too punny around him. Turns out he’s WAY into science and stuff, founded a special scientific institute in his country even.

July 12th.

Been on several outings with Spock. He’s quite a conversationalist once you get him talking. We took some long walks around the coast, played badminton, and several chess games, at which he royally kicked my butt. Of course, the whole thing is being blown up by the media and turned into a soap opera, which is really annoying. The Viscount though, is really grumpy about it, much to my satisfaction, and James gives me odd looks sometimes, which I find highly unsettling for no reason at all!

July 25th

The Garden Party started out well, and ended in me doing something monumentally STUPID!! How could I let it happen? HOW?? I hate his guts so much right now!! James arrived at the party looking all smug and dapper as usual, with a knockout blonde on his arm, whom he introduced as Carol. She seemed like a nice girl, but it looked more like Jim was just trying to get me jealous, which is totally ridiculous because I don’t even like him!!! Anyway, somehow, Spock and Carol got talking on some deeply technical scientific stuff and James and I were left alone. He started making suggestions that I’m only using Spock to keep my throne and of course I told him off for that, the hypocrite.

“I loathe you!!” I yelled finally, getting right up in his smarmy handsome face.

“I loathe YOU!!” He yelled back, staring at me intently. Next thing I knew, he’d yanked my face to his and was kissing me!! I should have slapped him for that, but instead I kissed right back. I can’t believe that happened. Only you, diary, will ever know that James T. Kirk is really good at kissing, much as I hate to admit it. Then we started arguing again, and somehow ended up in the fountain. I embarrassed Grandmother again. Thankfully, Spock didn’t see that indiscretion, being deep in discussion.

Aug. 17th

Well, James has been a lot less obnoxious lately, seeing how serious Spock and I are getting. In fact, he’s been downright nice, even giving me archery tips as I practiced for the test I’ll undergo the night before the coronation, which involves shooting an arrow through a ring, an Old Genovian tradition, I hear. I tried to ignore the fluttering in my stomach when he laid his hand over mine while correcting my stance, but wow, he seems to have really gotten under my skin. Ugh. Spock has been so sweet about this whole thing and probably being married to him won’t be such a bad thing, but I just can’t seem to be quite as happy as I thought I would with such a perfect man….

Sept. 3rd

Spock proposed. I said Yes. The kingdom is going nuts at the prospect of a wedding. It’s kind of nice, actually, being engaged to him, but I never thought I’d feel so calm about impending marriage. Gram smiles approvingly a lot, Gaila still looks at me questioningly and Jim seems down in the dumps. He mostly keeps to himself now, seems to always have a book in his hand. He and Carol have double dated with us a couple times and she’s great company, but it always ends up with her and Spock doing most of the talking and Jim and I avoiding each other’s eyes. I think he’s changed his mind on me being a fit ruler finally. I wonder if he’ll have the guts to stand up against the Viscount uncle, who’s more bombastic than ever.

March 5.

I haven’t written in forever, but wedding planning has taken over my life right now. The dress, the flowers, the table settings, the cake, pleasing the families and all that jazz is pretty exhausting. Spock’s been really kind and helpful in his own way. He’s great at subtly telling people when enough is enough. It’s very comforting and I ought to be head over heels by now, but I’m not and that saddens me. Should I really go through with this? Is it worth losing the kingdom and hurting Gran? Should I really cave to this sexist law? Gaila told me she’ll support me no matter what I decide, and it’s comforting to know that. For now, everything is going ahead for an April 3rd Wedding.

March 30th

Had a delightfully unconventional “shower” last night. We invited princesses of all ages to the palace for a giant slumber party, including mattress surfing down the main staircase. It was a riot! Even Grandmother joined in, looking dignified while doing it. It was nice to let myself go and just be a regular girl again. Pretty soon I’ll be in charge of a country and fun time? Well, Buh-bye.

April 2nd

I caved to temptation last night and snuck out with Jim to the lake for a moonlight walk. I should be strong enough to resist him, but those eyes just DO things to me and he seems to be much more than an insufferable, cocky rich guy. We really talked this time and I learned about his life and growing up with no parents and I told him about New York and Gaila and my Mom and how awkward it was learning to be a princess.

“You’re doing a pretty fantastic job, in my opinion,” he told me. “You really do care about the people and the country. My uncle is so wrong.”

“You really think so?” I asked (He was holding my hand at this point).

“Sure do.” He smiled at me and my heart did a flip again. Shoving the guilt aside, I stayed with him. We danced in the moonlight and curled up under a tree and dozed off. Bad idea. Next thing I know, there come the paparazzi and I’m running away in rage and panic, wondering if it was all a set up by Jim to create a scandal and wreck the wedding.

I really need to make better choices.

April 3rd

Well, there was a wedding today, but not mine. I couldn’t go through with it, not after searching my own heart and realizing I’m in love with someone else. It’s not fair to Spock, logical as he’s been about the whole thing. When Joe told me that James had NOT planted those paps to ruin me and he believed the young man was besotted with me, well, the was the finishing touch. I went out there and told Spock I couldn’t go through with it. He was very gracious as usual and I think I detected a faint trace of relief on his part. Then the good ole Viscount got up and started haranguing me again and how he wouldn’t stand for this. After he stormed out in a huff, the Prime Minister came up and told me now was a good time to convince Parliament to change the rules. “They’re waiting to be convinced. Go after them and tell them what’s what. Don’t back down.”

I always liked the Prime Minister. Lord Pike is a good man.

Up I got and explained why women are perfectly capable of ruling a country without a husband. Most of them seemed to be receptive, but one old fellow had to ask “What does the other heir think?”

There was a silence, and James stood up, much to my surprise. I certainly didn’t expect him to be there after everything that happened to be there. He looked like he’d had a bad night, but what he said warmed me through.

He backed me up completely!! Even said he utterly refused to be king because he felt the crown was mine and I would be a great queen.

“Plus, she’ll look lovely on all our postage stamps,” he added saucily, with a smile at me. Once he’d finished, he turned and left without further ado, leaving me both grateful and puzzled.

The Prime Minister called for a vote right then and there and the law was overturned. That wasn’t the end of the surprises, though.

Grandmother stood up and declared it would be a shame to waste all the bridal plans, so she and Joe would be filling in as the happy couple. It’s very unlike her to be so impulsive, but the two of them together has been a long time coming and I gladly played bridesmaid as they were united in marriage. What a day!!!

April 16th

I passed the archery test with flying colors and the coronation will proceed tomorrow as planned. I’m really nervous about it, but this evening something wonderful happened. I was lounging in my drawing room, Scotty beside me on his little doggy throne, when Jim appeared and knelt before me.

“What is your dilemma, young man?” I asked him playfully. Those big blue eyes were looking at me so intensely, I thought I would drown in them.

“I am in love with the queen to be and am inquiring as to whether she loves me too.” I admit, I launched myself at him in a very unqueenly manner and we held each other tightly, finally giving in to the electricity between us. Then he whispered “Nyota!” In my ear in a longing, loving tone and I kissed the daylights out of him. How I love that man. Scotty was annoyed at losing my undivided attention and stalked off in high dudgeon, yipping, but we were too busy to care. I’ll make it up to him.

April 18th

The coronation went off with much pomp and circumstance. I now understand what they mean when they say “heavy is the head that wears the crown”. Not only is it a huge responsibility to be ruler of a country, but the crown is literally HEAVY. My head was sweating the whole day.

Between Grandmother, Joe, Gaila, and Jim, I was subtly encouraged by my loved ones and made it through the long ceremonies fairly well. Grandmother bustles around looking proud, Joe kept the throng from getting too big, Gaila smiled, and Jim looked dazzled and proud and utterly gorgeous. Even Spock attended with Carol sticking to his side. I think those two might have a thing going……

(Skips over a year of entries until the next June)

June 6th

I married Jim yesterday. It truly was the best day of my life and Mom got to be there, which was wonderful. I’d felt weird wearing the same dress that I’d originally picked out to marry someone else, so the original was auctioned for charity to support the orphanage. My new gown was a simple long white satin with elegant sheer sleeves and delicate crystals scattered over it. It moved beautifully as well, and Jim seemed to like it judging by the countless times he’s told me how gorgeous I am. He’s no slouch either, rocking that royal uniform with confidence and style.

Joe walked me down the aisle, which made Grandmother very happy. (Was that a tear I saw in her eye?)

Jim’s eyes were just glowing as we exchanged vows and I hope I was able to convey my own love and joy so perfectly.

“How does it feel to be a prince?” I asked him when it was over.

“Not as good as being your husband,” he answered softly, kissing my hand regally. I swooned inwardly. Who could help it?

Just as we started our first dance, he looked down at his feet with feigned anxiety.

“Are my toes safe today?” He asked, the rascal, bringing up our awkward first two meetings.

I laughed. “You bet, baby.”

Well, Jim is starting to stir beside me and I think I saw one blue eye open a bit, so I’d better stop for now. I will say, he has totally cute bedhead! I think I’m going to ruffle it up some more.

“Good morning, Prince James.”

@outside-the-government @kirkaholic123