#like me and ashley knew we wanted Ash to be in the medical field helping people and then PT assistant was a good idea

[daydadahlias]

okay so you’ve mentioned this tip before on here, and you were saying how like when writing it’s not like the character’s only time existing and so to make your characters seem more human you should allude to their past. but how? like you mentioned that ashton was wearing scrubs in doggy style cuz he’s got a medical job (i can’t remember what) but how did you come up with that? how did you even think to add that, y’know? sorry if this question is stupid

It's not a stupid question at all!! It's a really good one, actually!! I might struggle to answer it in a fully articulate manner but, in my experience, when I write a story, I always spend a little bit of time prior to writing asking myself some simple questions about my characters to get to know them (that way, when I start writing, I'm not constantly asking myself the questions of "who the fuck is this guy and why should readers care about him??" In RPF it's a little easier to manage because readers already do care about them and that's why they're reading the fic lol but I do have to do a little extra work to keep them interested & invested).

Like, for instance, I have too ask myself: what jobs do they have? Are they in school? Did they already complete school? What did they study in school? How long have they had the job they do? Do they like their job? A person's career/education background tells you a lot about them!! It lets you know what they priortize, what they like to do, etc. Or, if they don't like their job, then a writer's responsibility is to show a reader what they like outside of their work. What makes them a person.

For instance, Ashton being a physical therapy assistant (in Doggy Style), lets me know that he is usually in a position where he is constantly helping other people and is also constantly on his feet so, by the time he gets back to his apartment, he's probably tired and in need of someone tending after him. This then plays into the personality I gave him in the fic of wanting to be taken care of by somebody outside of himself (Cal). This entirely imaginary career that's only mentioned once in the form of his scrubs informs me as the writer as to how I portray his dynamic with Calum, his interactions at home, and just other components of his personality !!

People are shaped by their experiences and their daily life (ie. jobs, school, friends, family, hobbies) and fictional characters are no different !! To be able to accurately write about someone's life and how they live it in a realistic manner, I need to know as many aspects about that life as I can! And that helps readers connect to them too!! Because, even if I only mention Ashton in scrubs once, just from that one simple throw-away line, a reader knows he has a job, a daily life outside of the apartment, outside of Calum, and outside of just the small body of work they're reading right at this moment !!!

that's what makes him feel real :)

[elonanwrites]

daffodil

a short story that i wrote for my english comp class a couple years ago. i forgot it existed until i stumbled upon it in a drafted email to my professor. i was about 16 years old and struggling with my own mortality. this story is the result of that.

word count: 2,896

Year 2078

Lucy was screaming again. It happened almost every Thursday at noon. Mostly, I just wished she would shut up.

My children put me in this nursing home seven months ago, and I had yet to get used to the smell of sterile gauze and the sound of lonely yells for help. I stopped being angry at them for it only this morning. My left leg was partially paralyzed, I already had six strokes in the past year, and I was a bitter old woman; this place was a last resort.

My eyes shifted from the drab, gray curtains of my room to the nearly transparent skin at my wrist. All these long years took a toll on my body. I heard the words osteoporosis and blood clots more than I heard my own breathing. The thought of it was no longer frightening. Death no longer sent a chill down my spine. I sat alone in my wheelchair and waited for Death daily. It's been eighty years; He still hasn't shown up.

I lived each day alone; alone in this room and alone in my mind. My children were all gone; buried in their lives of executive importance, I held second place (or third) in their lives. My parents died forty years ago. First my father and then my mother. My memory of them lapsed a lot. There is only a glimpse who they were; a smile and a hug are all that I have left.

Everything was gray. The cataract in my left eye developed six months ago, and yet, life had always been gray. I accepted the blindness with open arms. Everything was also wrinkly. My skin, my sheets, and even time was wrinkly. Time began becoming wrinkly almost twenty years ago. It started with lost hours, but it soon turned into lost weeks and months. Without time, I fell into a void of numb ignorance. Without time, I began to disappear.

The doctors said I had borderline Alzheimer's and this was the cause of the lost time. I told them they were wrong, so they slipped a few extra doses of Zoloft into my daily medication.

"Miss Ashley? It's time for your afternoon table tennis game."

One of the nurses at the resting home, Bridget, was standing in the doorway with her hands clasped behind her back. No doubt to hide the new bruises her husband had given her. A male nurse, who tended to be a little too touchy, stood behind her with a beastly look in his eyes. How sad that a man got a kick out of harming little, old ladies in a nursing home. He was definitely in the wrong profession, but I don’t think he minded.

I kept my eyes lowered and nodded mutely. I had found that it was easier to just comply with the staff. It made them treat us a little more humanely.

Bridget rolled me out of the room and into the fluorescent lit hallway. The air was heavy with hushed secrets and burned cornbread from today's lunch. Empty faces stared at me through the paned glass of their rooms. Whether they were ghosts or humans, I didn't know. They all wept the same.

We passed Lucy's room, where the screams had turned to sick, guttural moans of despair. I didn't have the energy to feel any remorse. I tried to remember the last time I had felt it, but my thoughts turned to gray mush.

Bridget's voice was a slight whisper behind me. "We set up your table with all your favorite snacks in case you get hungry. Candace wanted to play, but I told her that today was your turn. Of course she nearly—"

A twig-like grip was wrapped around my equally thin forearm. Lucy's wild brown eyes met mine as she clutched at me frantically. Her distraught voice reached me before the orderlies ripped her off of me. "You can change this. Go. Be free."

A tearing sensation built in my forearm that she had touched and seared an agonizingly, slow path to my chest and legs. I could feel my body changing and contorting in the wheelchair. I had never felt pain like this. I was being ripped apart and pulled back together all in the same instance. I lost all sense of reality as Lucy's words played over in my head like a broken record: You can change this. Be free. Be free.

The pain stopped. I fell into the darkness.

***

80 years earlier, 1998

The migraine bouncing around in my head held little competition to the ache in my bones. As I reached my hand up to block the blinding light in my eyes, my elbow popped in protest. I huffed impatiently as feeling painstakingly returned to my limbs. My right hand fell to my side and smacked against soft soil while I pushed myself up to a sitting position.

I should have noticed that the hair against my shoulders no longer held its gray sheen, or that my lungs felt whole for the first time in years. Instead, my cataract-less eyes fixated on the woman towering over me.

"Lucy?"

My voice sounded light and airy as she smiled down at me. Her hair was combed back into a neat ponytail and her hands were no longer gnarled into permanent claws. The wild look in her eyes disappeared and was replaced with a tender one.

"I'm surprised you made it," she chuckled. "Most people end up getting lost. You look good, Ashley. Sixteen looks well on you."

I scowled up at her and struggled to my feet. I scraped my hands against the soil under my knees and winced. At least that meant I wasn't dead. Maybe.

"Where are the orderlies?" I stiffened under her scrutiny. "Where am I?"

Lucy clasped her hands together and gestured to the frost-tipped mountains to our left. "You can call it what you like: Purgatory, The Before, Heaven. All you need to know is that the year is 1998 and you do not exist."

A hysterical laugh bubbled up from my throat. I wrapped my arms around my chest as I was on the verge of a panic attack. A tear fell from my eye and a daffodil bloomed in the soil where the water landed. My laughter trickled to an end; hiccups replaced it. I shook my head as the daffodil grew before my eyes. "You're insane."

Lucy threw back her head and sighed impatiently. "Why? Because this world says so? Oh sweetheart, open your eyes!"

She held out a hand and beckoned to me. "Come. There's much you need to see."

Lucy took me to an Ash tree nearby and told me to feel the bark under my fingertips. I held my hand out and felt a magnetic-like pull toward the rough bark. The tree thrummed with energy; it was unlike anything I had experienced before. "What does it mean?" I breathed.

"You were born from the Ash tree. This is your beginning and your end. You were made from the branches and the leaves. You will die here, and your skin and bones will return to their rightful home when, someday, they will be reborn in another form." Lucy walked around the base of the thick roots and stopped to stare at me with her omniscient eyes.

She went on to explain to me that I had traveled through the dimensions to one where I had not yet been born. I laughed in her face at first, but it didn't phase her. She just stared at me the entire time.

"I don't blame you for not believing me," Lucy breathed. "The first time I traveled, I did it alone; no one was here to greet me. It can be frightening, but you did not belong in that dirty place. To live your entire life just to end up dying with strangers, is the saddest life. I am giving you a chance to redo it all."

I squinted up at the green leaves of the Ash tree; they swayed in a wind that I could not feel. "Why me?"

Lucy gazed into the daffodil fields that tumbled over each other in the breeze. "Sometimes you meet someone and their soul shines through their eyes. You can't explain it; you just know they are destined for greater things than this one life we are given." She turned to me with a desperate look in her eyes. "Can you imagine how beautiful the world would be if everyone got a do-over? Some people are lucky enough to see the ugly soon and try to fix it. Some die blinded by their own selfish desires."

Lucy grabbed onto my shoulders and grinned at me. "I'm giving you a chance to leave this ugly world and enter another. I'm not one for non-consensual time travel, so you need to tell me right now if you can't handle it."

I thought about the splitting pain every single one of my atoms felt the first time we time traveled and the horrible headache that was still present. But I also thought about the mental pain the nursing home had brought to me. I would rather be split into a million different pieces than feel that kind of loneliness ever again.

"I'm ready."

***

March, 1998

My mother was standing in front of me, except her hair was light brown and her sweater had six different colors on it. She twirled her pink gum around her finger and lip-synced to a TLC song that was playing on her Walkman.

I could hear my grandmother shuffling around in the other room yelling at my mom to turn the music down. "Charlie," she called out. "Turn that racket down! You'll go deaf, girl."

My mom twirled around and rolled her eyes at the wall in annoyance, but she pulled out the headphones eventually. She had yet to see me standing in the corner by the mirror. I took a step forward, and the floorboards of the trailer home creaked in protest. "Mom."

She froze in place as my breathing grew erratic. "Mom, it's me. Ashley."

Her black-rimmed eyes locked on mine as her Walkman slipped from her fingers. Her lips formed into a comical 'O' as she looked me over, head to toe. "Who are you?"

I placed my hands up in a look of surrender as she backed away from me toward the door. If I knew anything about time travel at all, the less people who knew I was here, the better. I looked at her desperately. "Please hear me out. I know you don't believe me right now, but I'm your daughter. In 2078, I live in a nursing home. My father, your boyfriend, is named Jim. My grandmother's name is Betty and my grandfather is George. I was born on December 27, 1998 by you. You are my mother and I am from the future."

My mother's lips lifted into a smile right before she fainted to the floor.

"Crap," I muttered.

My grandma's footsteps sounded too close for comfort now. "Jim will be here soon, won't he?"

Jim. My father. I glanced at the calendar hanging on the wall; it read March 23, 1998—one week before my parent's wedding date. I kneeled next to my unconscious mother and looked at her face for the first time in nearly forty years. Her skin was bright and wrinkle free, and her lips were painted with bright red lipstick. Mom, I miss you.

"Charlie? Are you alright?"

In a moment of desperation, I sucked in a breath and imitated my mom's voice the best I possibly could: "I'll be out in a minute, Mom."

A moment of strained silence, and then: "Okay."

30 minutes later

"Wait, so how bald am I?"

My mother and father sat in front of me on my mom's bed. My dad hadn't stopped asking questions since he got here twenty minutes ago. I couldn't stop staring at him. He looked exactly like the pictures he had shown me when I was younger—tan, feathered hair, and a stout physique.

I raised an eyebrow at him. "That's really what you're worried about?"

My mother smacked him on the chest and turned to me with a sheepish grin. "I'm sorry about him." She looked at my jeans and Nike's. "Where exactly did you come from? I'm sorry, but I just can't believe you're our daughter. How is it possible?"

"If I knew, I would tell you—believe me."

My father leaned his elbows on his knees and narrowed his eyes at me. "I think the real question is why you're here. There's obviously a reason."

I smiled at the memory of Lucy. Would I ever see her again? I ran a hand through my hair and tucked my legs under me. "There was a woman who I lived with in the nursing home. I thought she was a complete nut, but I'm here, so I guess she was pretty sane after all. Anyway, she told me that she's giving me a second chance. She said I didn't belong in that nursing home, and I have the opportunity to change my future by being here."

My mom wrung her hands together nervously. "How do we help?"

I shrugged my shoulders and gazed around the room. "I know it sounds crazy, but it wasn't really explained to me either."

A short laugh came from my father. "It's obvious, isn't it? You have to change our future, which in turn will change yours. It's simple."

My mom looked at him with light shining in her eyes before she turned to me. "When do we start?"

March 30, 1998, Wedding Day

"Charlie, you're the light of my life."

"No, no, no; you're saying it all wrong! Say it like this: 'Charlie, you shine so bright that the moon is jealous.'"

"Oh, okay."

"Aaaaand ACTION!"

"Charlie, you shine so bright that the moon is jealous."

My mom's white slip clung to her sweaty body. "Ashley, can we please take a break? This church is stuffy."

I glanced up from my clipboard and sighed. "The wedding is in thirty minutes, Mom. We need all the practice we can get."

My dad loosened his tie from around his neck and threw me a look of disbelief. "Remind me again how this was different from the first wedding we had?"

I scowled at my clipboard instead of looking at him as I grumbled, "In your first wedding, mom wore a green dress and you were married in front of a judge. This one simple change in location and wardrobe might change everything."

My mom touched my arm lightly and moved her veil behind her head. "I know he seems a little rough around the edges," she began. "But your father is just scared. He doesn’t believe in...paranormal things. Of course, you know that."

I forced a smile at her and placed my clipboard on a table behind me. "Thanks, Mom. I appreciate you two doing this for me. I'm just scared. I don't even know if any of this will work in the long run."

Without warning, my mom placed a kiss on my temple and pulled me into a hug, but not before I saw the tears shining in her eyes. "I love you."

A weight tugged at my feet and I pulled away from my mom to gaze down at the church floors. Stems sprouted from the wooden boards. Daffodils twisted up my legs and reached up to my torso as the familiar tearing sensation spread through my body.

My mom tore at the daffodils in anguish. "What's happening," she screamed.

I pushed her hands away carefully and shared a weighted look between her and my father. "It's okay." The stems wrapped around my wrists and broke contact between mine and my mother's fingers. "Thank you, Mom. Thank you, Dad. Thank you so much."

The pain stopped. I fell into the darkness.

***

I don't know how long I have been traveling. Months, years, millennia. All I know is that the world is very quiet. The wind feels like the moment before the world exhales—even and powerful. I am constantly on the verge of rebirth, only for it to be drawn back at the last second. I am scared for this new life, but the excitement washes away the fear.

I am no longer alone. The few days I had with my parents keep me company while I wait. I play every detail like a movie in my head until I can almost hear my mother's laugh and my father's words of wisdom.

And just like that, my waiting is over. There is a flash of blinding white light before suddenly, I am filled with life. My life before as a human gave me no preparation for this life. I had no sight. I had no memories. Yet somehow, I was aware of the two gravestones on either side of me. I was aware of one etched with my mother's name, and the other etched with my father's name. I was aware of the moon glowing above me with a shining soul that belonged to someone I once knew.

As the moon loomed overhead, a yellow daffodil between two gravestones swayed happily in the calm breeze, for she was finally at peace.

[torentialtribute]

Monty Panesar opens up to Nasser Hussain on battling his demons

He was a national hero when & # 39; Monty Mania & # 39; grabbed the English cricket, but Monty Panesar suffered a spectacular fall when he was attacked by psychological problems.

Now, prior to Sportsmail serialization and brutally fair new autobiography The Full Monty Panesar talks to the former captain of England and his friend and hero Nasser Hussain.

<img id = "i-b4919bbd433b8bee" src = "https://dailym.ai/2Qh1XYL. jpg "height =" 423 "width =" 634 "alt =" <img id = "i-b4919bbd433b8bee" src = "https://dailym.ai/2wgAg9e -0-image-a-1_1558637304610.jpg "height =" 423 "width =" 634 "alt =" Monty Panesar opened his mental health problems to Sportsmail & Nasser Hussain Nasser Hussain

Monty Panesar opened his mental health problems to Sportsmail & Nasser Hussain

Monty Panesar: Yes, I am proud of those good times, the moments when I performed better than I expected. The times I left the team. That makes me happy.

Hussain: My first test ticket!

Yes, the god of cricket! Sachin Tendulkar. That made me very happy. Then there was my MS Dhoni moment in India (in 2006) when I fell and then caught him.

My favorite team memory came from a series in which I didn't even play, the Ashes from 2010-11. When we won, I remember being in a circle on the outskirts of Sydney. We were on Australian grass fields and have not been there for years.

Hussain: One of my favorite memories of you was in Cardiff 2009. You could argue that you have won the ashes for England with your bat

<img id = "i-2be599d0deb7b05c" src = "https://dailym.ai/2QmI7Lx" height = "423" width = "634" alt = "The former English spinner remembered some of his favorite memories of the field" Favorite memories on the field "

The former English spinner remembered some of his favorite memories of the field

<img id = "i-19e90ee4b5e6d390" src = "https://dailym.ai/2J2OwKp /23/20/13877406-7064303-image-a-3_1558638650202.jpg "height =" 438 "width =" 634 "alt =" <img id = "i-19e90ee4b5e6d390" src = "https: //i.dailymail. co.uk/1s/2019/05/23/20/13877406-7064303-image-a-3_1558638650202.jpg "height =" 43 8 "width =" 634 "alt =" <img id = "i-19e90ee4b5e6d390" src = "https://dailym.ai/2we3Ege a-3_1558638650202.jpg "height =" 438 "width =" 634 "alt =" Panesar's first wicket for England was Sachin Tendulkar's Nagpur in 2006 "

Panesar: Yes, I would say so. Cardiff was unexpected. The entire nation must have thought: & # 39; What are the chances of this? Monty is waiting for a draw! & # 39; I think the chance that I would do it with Jimmy Anderson was longer than that Leicester won the Premier League!

About my batting, Peter Moores said: & # 39; You look technically good, but something goes wrong. You just come out & # 39 ;. I could never really find out what it was.

Hussain: I don't get this for the microphone, but I think it's important in what happened later. Nothing reveals you more like a cricket player than your fieldwork. I dropped Graeme Smith here at Lord & # 39; s and I hurt every ball when I did another 250-odd runs. Did the comedy that people saw during your fieldwork hurt you?

Panesar: There was one moment here with Lord when I stopped the ball on the border but put my foot on the line when I threw it. That frustrated me. Duncan Fletcher had that headmaster thing when he looked at me and thought: & You are better than that. That was a stupid moment.

Henry Blofeld started calling me Monty Python. It came to me.

Hussain: I remember you asking me to talk early in your career and we spent an hour at the Taj Hotel in Mumbai

Panesar: was because I thought of you and Duncan as the captain and coach who started changing English cricket, started creating modern England. I wanted to ask you about that and how you did it. I remember leaving and writing a lot of notes, but most of what you said seemed to go in one ear and out the other!

I remember you telling me that Ashley Giles gave a lot to the team as a whole package and that I had to work on all parts of my game. I thought: & # 39; I know what Nasser is saying, but I want to prove to him that I can be a winner in that team. That I can win games for England.

<img id = "i-159aec3f962983f6" src = "https://dailym.ai/2QgDJh4 image-m-5_1558638902641.jpg "height =" 431 "width =" 634 "alt =" The 37-year-old says he hurt him when he became a comic figure for his fieldwork "class =" blkBorder img-

The 37-year-old says he hurt him when he became a comic figure for his fieldwork "

The nineteen-year-old says it hurt him when he became a comic figure for his fieldwork

Hussain: In the end, however, it wasn't Giles who kept you from the English team. You mention Graeme Swann a lot in your book.

Panesar: Frankly, I knew he was a better all-round cricket player than me. He was a better batsman and slip fielder and contributed tactically to the team. It was as if I had a turbo engine and I didn't, and I always knew that. I thought I had to wait for him to retire.

Hussain: Let's go through the difficult times.

Panesar: I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, If everything had gone the way I wanted, I don't think there would have been any problems.

I wanted my name to be in light with the best cricket players in the world. That was the dream. When that did not happen, I entered a new phase of my life and doubts began to arise.

Hussain: I'm not talking here for the rest, but I remember talking to a captain from England who said that all the players I played with were you I feared that it would end up on the & # 39; s front page – and I played with a few wild ones. That was before your problems came to light.

Panesar: I never knew Michael Vaughan felt that way. Oh, it would help if he'd shared those concerns with me. OK. It narrows it down a bit! Michael was brilliant with me. I placed the fields and continued my spin-bowling. He let me focus on my strengths.

] Panhandle was famous in the 2009 Ashes series against Australia in Cardiff

Panesar was well-established in the 2009 Ases series against Australia in Cardiff Hussain:

you start worrying about you at a fairly early stage.

Panesar: Old Aussie spinner Greg Matthews suggested that I see a hypnotherapist and I was in London with him and some friends.

They were all talking and I just couldn't participate. I could not connect to reality. I did not understand.

Then there was a time when I was with Essex and I was cycling with James Foster in the gym. We competed against each other and a group of players was watching us

I just got the feeling that everyone was against me. It wasn't Fozzy's fault. It was mine. I just got very angry and went into a sling.

I left Monty Panesar, the cricket player. I never behaved that way.

Hussain: I spoke to the guys from Essex and they said it would be fine and suddenly just turn over. You would normally go bowling and then start pressing, but you were clearly sick. You suffered a mental health problem.

Panesar: I was disappointed with the way I behaved. I became paranoid. My self-confidence has suffered. I thought the field players and referees were against me and I got lower and lower. I started to think the fans are laughing at me.

Hussain: Then there was that trade in the Brighton bar when you were in Sussex and you peeed. to a porter. When I knew you, you were the last person, I'd expect something like that. How did it come to that?

Panesar: It was just a drop to one side. It wasn't as bad as it sounds. I had too much to drink. I didn't think it was important. Then my agent said the story came out. I was shocked.

Then I thought: & # 39; What am I going to say to my mother and father? & # 39; The point is, everyone drinks in the Punjabi culture, but we don't enjoy it with family and friends. Not to behave that way.

Hussain: Was it a stupid drunk incident or a symptom of your mental health? started using liquor to get that & # 39; Monty image strong & # 39; to keep. I drank something because it made me feel good. It was actually the start of something bad. That was just a drunken incident, but my problem was that I then denied.

& # 39; Monty Mania & # 39;

<img id = "i-a53583cc76b4e2b9" src = "https://dailym.ai/2wjhrSA" height = "423" width = "634" alt = "& # 39; Monty Mania & # 39; swept the nation, but the lovable spin-bowler suffered a fall from grace"

swept the nation, but the lovable spin-bowler suffering to fall from grace "

& monty Mania & # 39; swept the nation, but the dear spider-bowler suffered to fall from grace

Hussain: Let's be clear here You were seriously ill.

Panesar: My parents got worried They wanted me to see someone I always thought that strong people could have no problem

My cricket had always gone the way I had planned, but suddenly it went in a direction I had not been since my childhood Hussain: You were prescribed medication for depression.

Panesar: I took it during that Ashes tour. I remember that I had a little weight gain, but I rarely took it when I was playing.

Hussain: You knew you were suffering from a problem, but you went to a variety of people, including Mike Brearley. What was the diagnosis?

Panesar: It was a boy named Peter Gilmore who said I was suffering from paranoia / schizophrenia and that shocked me enormously. Mike Brearley told me to be careful with the things I said to myself.

] Panesar: When I was in Essex. There was that trade with Fozzy and then another time I lost track of time. I was late for a one-hour game and Fozzy said, "I've had enough, friend." Not anymore. & # 39;

Fozzy and coach Paul Grayson were good with me and did their best, but the players became irritated by the way I behaved. They didn't want me anymore.

Hussain: Why do cricket players seem to suffer more from psychological problems than other sports? Perhaps it is the isolation, the individual nature of the sport. Depression and anxiety can creep in. We're leaving for so long. Four weeks is a long journey for football and rugby players, but we are just starting a month later.

<img id = "i-5b05490251462d79" src = "https://dailym.ai/2OTvk2r /05/23/20/13877426-7064303-image-m-12_1558639344462.jpg "height =" 469 "width =" 634 "alt ="

<img id = "i-5b05490251462d79" src = "https: / /i.dailymail.co.uk/1s/2019/05/23/20/13877426-7064303-image-m-12_1558639344462.jpg "height =" 469 "width =" 634 "alt =" He is still playing the game and fights to make a comeback despite staying in the tooth for a long time fights to make a comeback despite being in the tooth for a long time "

He still plays the game and fights for to make a comeback despite staying in the tooth for a long time

Huss ain: You went from the point where everyone loved you and wanted to go now to anyone with England or a province that you wanted. How did you do it?

Panesar: It was difficult. Everyone doubted me. I spoke with Neil Burns (former player, now a mentor) and he told me that everyone thought I had gone off the rails. I was told that there are so many rumors and that I had to put the story straight. I tried to get a few interviews to get the message that I was having problems, but I was on my way back.

Now the book will hopefully get everything there. I love the game. I'm not a bad egg in the dressing room, I'm a very nice guy. I want people to remember the good Monty, but it takes a while to wipe out bad memories. It is as if I am a fireball and people worry that if they come close to me, they will be burned.

Duncan Fletcher once told me if there was someone I could trust in cricket and who was always loyal, it was you I should go to you.

I'm sorry I haven't been there for you a little bit more.

Panesar: No, it's fine, I had no idea you were in such a bad place. I should have looked for you more, used your guidance and maybe it was different. I'm not saying it's all your fault!

Hussain: You keep trying to get back in the county game. You still play cricket club (Shenfield CC, Essex League). Why didn't you just let it go, Mont?

Panesar: I had that second spell at Northants and I thought my bowling was back where it was. So now I am determined to try again. I feel like I have missed a golden period, part of my peak, because the spinner gets better over the years. I feel that I still have all these wickets in me. I am 37 but feel 32. I can still play first-class cricket

Even yesterday I was ringing coaches. They probably think: & # 39; Oh no, it's Monty again & # 39; but I want to convince the doubters. I just want to spin that ball. I could easily pack it, but I have to chase my dream.

<img id = "i-bd120fb4b22ea1a4" src = "https://dailym.ai/2Qi3OfU image-a-10_1558639285890.jpg "height =" 485 "width =" 634 "alt =" Panesar says he is back to feel 100 percent and has conquered his demons "

Panesar says that he is 100% again and has conquered his demons

Hussain: Everyone in cricket would like to know that you are in a happy place. I'm mentally and physically 100 percent back at my best and I've been good the last two years.

Panesar: I have people I have looked at and want to follow their example.

Look at Andrew Flintoff. He doesn't drink anymore and he has been incredibly successful. I am not saying that I will be the next presenter of Top Gear! Then I watch (the wrestler-turned-actor) de Rots. I will not have any medication.

I don't need medication. I do not drink. I have no good and bad days. All those things have disappeared. There was a time when I was in Northampton about 18 months ago and I looked around and thought, "Wow, those paranoid thoughts aren't there anymore". I knew then that Monty was back. I'm going to be a cricket player again. I'm going to do it.

Hussain: The very best for you, Monty.

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