#like my mom’s friend was murdered by her fiancé who also killed her dog to try to make it look like he just left him

[fingertipsmp3]

Animal people are so weird sometimes genuinely. Why did I just read “I can’t imagine someone who fosters rescue cats being a psychopath :(“ uhhhhh those things don’t match up AT ALL

[juminsmysticmc]

RFA with a MC who has abusive parents who want her dead TRIGGER WARNINGS

@sakitanaka said: Mc has a abusive parents, who want her dead. I didn't understand if the requests are open or not, otherwise I apologize ^^

Hey! I hope you like it! Guys, there’s a trigger warning so don’t read this if this is a sensitive topic for you. Enjoy and please tell me your opinion! 

Jumin 

Everyone knew that family was important to your husband and so you tried your best to keep it hidden that your parents weren’t the loving family you needed. 

That they weren’t amazing people who gave you love and support. 

For a long time you hid the fact that they abused you, hid you from daylight, let you hunger for days and even hit you. 

You hid that when you were old enough to understand that this wasn’t normal, you ran away. 

You never told him that for a long time you thought that being imprisoned was your fate. 

,,Commoners do this-they ask their bride‘s father for her hand...I should have done the same.“ he one day mumbled and brightly smiled at you. 

Your heart froze, no.....why now? 

Jumin quickly noticed that something was wrong and when a bodyguard brought in a package he knew everything. 

,,HOW COME THAT MY WIFE GETS THIS KIND OF THINGS?! DIDN‘T YOU CHECK IT BEFOREHAND?!“ he yelled, holding a scared you between his arms. 

You were trembling and sobbing. 

The package contained a curl of your hair which was soaked in blood with the notice ,,We will find you and kill you.....“

,,Who did this....?“ Jumin asked you in the evening. 

,,My abusive parents...“ you confessed and sobbed in his chest. 

Jumin knew that his task now was to protect you with all his might and to make sure that your parents would never hurt you. 

Zen 

His pare weren’t any better, they also abused Zen even through they never noticed. 

They still rejected him and now that both of you were a couple they rejected even you. 

You didn’t feel better to be honest. 

You thought that after finding a boyfriend you would get acceptance by his family. 

But at least they didn’t try to kill you like yours....

One day your mom indeed succeeded at finding your address and tyrannized you late in the night while Zen went to enjoy the night with his friends. 

,,OPEN THE DOOR YOU UGLY SLUT! YOU DON‘T DESERVE TO LIVE AFTER EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE!“ she yelled and tried to open the door. 

Suddenly your phone rang, making you shriek at the sudden call. 

,,Hey Princess, listen, I will stay a bit longer since-Mc?“ Zen repeated your name. 

,,Y-yes?“ you asked him, he must have noticed that you were crying. 

,,What’s wrong?“ he asked you immediately. 

Out of the blue your mother began to hit against the windows and yelled out your name. 

,,Who was that...?“ he asked you over the phone. 

,,None. Just enjoy your day off...“ you told him. 

,,Don’t dare to cut the call! I‘m coming home immediately!“ he assured you. 

Indeed, ten minutes later you heard yells outside. 

Zen was arguing with your mom. You just saw him shoke his head and pushing her aside before entering the door. 

He quickly approached you and hugged you and showered you with love. 

,,I didn’t know, I‘m sorry. I called the police and I will make sure that nothing like that will ever happen to you again.“ he promised you. 

Yoosung 

You were truly happy that now you could think of his family as yours. 

His mom was sometimes a bit hard to handle and his dad was some times kind of odd but apparently this was what family was like. 

Instead yours was abusive. 

You still could remember the panic attacks you went through while your dad killed your dog in front of you. 

You could still smell the metallic odor of your blood. 

Your mouth was always filled with blood and if you weren’t bloody, you had bruises all over your body. 

,,Mc?“ your sister-in-law called you and made you shriek. 

,,Sorry, I didn‘t want to scare you. I asked you what you want to drink.“ she repeated, smiling brightly at you. 

,,Oh! Uhm, water would be alright.“ you answered. 

In the past you had to overcome days without a drop water....

,,What about your family?“ you mom-in-law asked you, making you tremble in fear for a few seconds. 

Yoosung immediately noticed that something was odd and so after you stayed silent he tried to change the topic. 

But he still tried to figure out why you kept silent about your family. 

And then you told him. 

,,They still are trying to kill you?“ he asked you. 

You nodded and approved. 

His eyes followed your every moment. 

You knew that he was scared. 

But not because of the situation but because he was concerned for you. 

But with all his bravery he assured you that nothing would happen to you.  

,,Jumin, Saeyoung I need your help.’’ the same night he mumbled while he called the people he could count on.  

Jaehee 

She told you about her family, how her dad was much older than her mother and died. 

How her mother died and how her aunt and uncle took her in. 

Of course she didn’t leave out how mean they were to her. 

And so, you also told her your hurtful story. 

You told her how your parents hurt you, abused you and made you fell in a deep depression. 

How you escaped and came out of that hurtful time and how you couldn’t turn them to the police. 

,,Why?’’ she asked you, her hands were trembling, she was shocked to hear that from you. 

,,Because they’re still my parents…..even through they still try to kill me…’’ 

,,Wait what?!’’ she suddenly jumped up. 

,,Yes, they found me and yesterday, when you went grocery shopping they promised me….they will kill me…’’ you confessed. 

Jaehee was very, very angry at you. 

But she couldn’t stay angry at you for long, you were in the most pain after all. 

After everything they did you still cherished them while they try to kill you. 

,,I won’t accept this. Tomorrow we will go to the police, Mc. They are your parents and so, if you love them you should stop them from becoming murders.’’ Jaehee convinced you and you were able to conclude this matter soon thanks to her. 

Saeyoung 

Your fiancé looked trough all your dates. 

At first he thought that your parents brought you to the RFA and that they also knew about everything, but apparently he was wrong since after everything finally ended they still tried their best to kill you.  

,,You’re parents are not better than mine.’’ he stated. 

,,Are there even good parents out there? Are there even people who want to protect their children?’’ he asked you, feeling really hurt. 

He had to go through all this pain due to his ,,father’s’’ high position and his mother selfishness. 

Jumin was no other, his step mothers did horrible things and his father never tried to change anything. 

Jaehee’s family who should have replaced her lost parents hurt her and hated her and Zen’s parents were somehow mean because of something they did. 

Rika wasn’t better. There was surely a reason for her behavior and Jihyun didn’t have an easy life either. 

None’s childhood except for Yoosung’s was easy. 

,,Children don’t even ask to come on this ugly, hateful world but people are so selfish and still bring them here and then they even hurt them and make them sick….’’ Saeyoung whispered. 

You never guessed that he could get so emotional. 

,,It’s not your fault, okay? My parents….these people are at fault. And nothing will happen to me, I promise….’’ you tried to assure him. 

But like always his eyes met your scar. 

,,How can you say that….?’’’ he asked you. 

His fingers touched your scar on your chest, you were almost killed once. 

,,I can’t find them, something can happen.’’ he sobbed and hugged you stronger. 

,,Know what…?’’ you asked him while you patted his back. 

,,After everything is finally fine let’s prove the world that there are still beautiful parents. Okay?’’ you asked him and smiled

MASTERLIST 1 MASTERLIST 2 MASTERLIST 3

  29.09.2019// 03.00 MEST

Tagged:

@foreversunshine-love @giulia2372 @sailormoonrocks666

@widya345 @remiliadacalde @r-f-a-journalists 

[queenofthefullmoon]

An exhaustive list of Dark Souls II: Scholar of the First Sin bosses I would or would not date

The Last Giant

Listen… The Last Giant has No Face. I like dating people who have faces. Also, his arms detach and he’s like, at least 10 meters taller than me, so I think that would be a hazard. I think he’s more in need of a friend than a romantic partner. I’d gladly sit down with him and discuss his feelings, but we are not meant to date.

The Pursuer

The Pursuer is great because he’s just so… Rotund. He’s shaped like a friend. Or maybe… More than a friend… He’s got a biggass sword that glows blue, which is great if you need to get up at night to get water or a snack, and a big shield he can use to protect you from the hot Drangleic sun when you’re on a date. You never have to worry about losing him because HE WILL FIND YOU. I think he’s a catch.

Dragonrider

He almost didn’t make it in the list of bosses I would date, but encountering him so often made me have a soft spot for him. Plus he’s a little bit round and I’ve gotta say. Rotundness is where it’s at. He’s fun to fight so I feel like you could have some fun jousts together and then chill… And go, like, I don’t know, ride dragons*? Fun couple activities.

*although dragonrider is his name I’m not sure we saw any dragonrider ride a dragon so this is a shot in the dark

Old Dragonslayer

The Old Dragonslayer has a very sexy armor, I’ll give him that, but he 1. Has a furry mask (a terrible fashion faux pas that I cannot forgive) 2. Is just sitting in the Cathedral of Blue while a DRAGON is outside, unslayed, which says something about the quality of his work. I had to kill the dragon myself, while the Old Dragonslayer was sitting around… Being old, I guess. Not for me.

Flexile Sentry

DISGUSTING AND WRONG.

Ruin Sentinel

The Ruin Sentinels are arguably the sexiest armor bosses in all of Dark Souls II: Scholar of the First Sin. Something about these long lads and their eldritch identities and behaviors just tickles me the right way. The shape of their helmets looks a little bit like a turtle which gives them just enough cuteness while not taking away from the fact that I’m absolutely terrified of them and that they are in fact very scary (which is good). They’re also very tall which means they can carry me around and make me feel tall too. Definitely a good thing in a partner.

Belfry Gargoyles

I wouldn’t date the Belfry Gargoyles, but I’d be friends with them. I feel like they’d be fun at a sleepover. Girl’s night! Girl’s night!

Lost Sinner

I’d date the Lost Sinner. It might be a little bit controversial because yes she is a little bit nasty, I’m aware of that, but I think she just needs a little bit of company. I don’t want to change her, I love her right like she is, but if she wants me to teach her how to shower, I might just do it! I am a little bit biased because she’s got a big sword that looks really cool? Perhaps.

Executioner’s Chariot

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Skeleton Lords

I think the Skeleton Lords are neat but I don’t really see myself dating them. Firstly, I’m not a skeleton fucker, so that puts a little bit of distance between us (given that they are in fact skeletons). They also have an army of skeleton children, which I’m just not ready to raise. I’m trying to find a date, not to become a skeleton mom. I feel like we’d be great friends though, I’d probably invite them over so they can practice their standup routine at my house while they leave their 30 skeletons children with the babysitter and we can like drink wine or something.

Covetous Demon

I would not date the Covetous Demon, but I would keep him as a mean dog in my yard to discourage my enemies from entering my property.

Baneful Queen Mytha

I’d be all here for the sniddies if Mytha kept her head on her neck but alas she is headless. 

Smelter Demon

Mh… Yes. He’s big and large and he’s got horns. He could put me up on his shoulder and walk around and I’d be warm up there. Sounds like nothing but a good time.

Old Iron King

Ngghghhh….. I wanna say no but he is Ripped… Absolutely jacked! I’m also a hoe for horns and wings! What can I say. Call me out if I ever make fun of scalies again? (im gonna do that like in a few paragraphs anyway)

Scorpioness Najka

Given the fact that her own fiancé, made miserable by her, asks you to murder her, I don’t think Najka is a fine romantic partner. In addition to that, even though I was here for sniddies, scorpions are scary and gross me out, so no, I would not date Scorpioness Najka.

The Duke’s Dear Freja

She’ll remain dear to the Duke only and she is NOT invited in my yard.

Royal Rat Authority

Wouldn’t date the big rat that makes all of the rules, but similarly to the Covetous Demon, having him on my property to scare people away would be pretty neat.

Prowling Magus and The Congregation

Prowling Magus has a SICK aesthetic I can absolutely get behind (« look at my cool sorcerer boyfriend wearing his goat helmet ») and I’ve stated before I Am a Hoe for horns so we could have something going on.

The Congregation is however BANNED from this house so since they’re probably his buddies that would most likely be a point of tension. Ultimately it might be better for me to keep a platonic relationship with Prowling Magus, as I do not want hollows to crawl on my floor when he invites his friends over.

The Rotten

Oh no lol

Looking Glass Knight

NNNYES absolutely I would date the Looking Glass Knight. He’s not only really cool looking and a Very Dramatic Man (standing in the rain when you meet him… the scenery… the atmosphere… he knows how to make an entrance), but he’d also be a great person to bring with you for a night out.

Exhibit A: he’s really fucking tall and scary which would dissuade anyone from approaching you uninvited

Exhibit B : he carries a FULL BODY mirror around everywhere which means you can fix your hair and/or makeup at any time without needing a shitty pocket mirror or going to the bathroom

Exhibit C : if you need help he can summon a limitless amount of people through his mirror

Just a great partner all around.

Demon of Song

Ohhhhhh noooooo Lord nooooooooooooooo please! Please spare me

Velstadt, the Royal Aegis

Velstadt is very loyal (a real man for following Vendrick all the way to the Undead Crypt) and he’s also very tall, very large, very strong, and very stylish (see the scales cape he wears). I would’ve put him at the top of the date list, but he’s no dating material — he’s husband material. A little downside is that he might put his job before me but I get it. It’s career before everything. I will not limit my husband’s ambitions.

King Vendrick

Vendrick is taken by an eldritch entity and still very much in love with her despite the fact that she destroyed his kingdom and brought the entire civilization down and also caused him to become a war criminal and kill a pacific race of giants all on his own like a big boy so I’m not very interested in him.

Guardian Dragon & Ancient Dragon

I’m putting them together because they essentially boil down to the same thing : I’d offer them a home but I wouldn’t date them. The Guardian Dragon can stay outside and be feral with everyone else that I put in the yard, while the Ancient Dragon can have his own room and like is invited for tea sometimes, but that’s all.

Giant Lord

See Last Giant

Throne Defender & Watcher

I’m a little bit torn on this one because I’m experiencing bisexual panic. We’ve got cool large dude with a beard ; cool slender lady that jumps around everywhere ; they could both beat me up and they both look hot, help me. However, I have to say if I had to pick I’d got with the Throne Watcher because she is hot and looks slightly cooler. I’ve always wanted a very tall wife who could suplex me into the sun, which she could do in a heartbeat.

On the other hand, they do look like a power couple that I’d love to have for dinner and I’d hate to break them up while there are so many fish in the sea and they look so great with each other.

Nashandra

Human Nashandra looks pretty and soft, however anyone who witnessed my first blind playthrough of Dark Souls II: Scholar of the First Sin will tell you that she did not have me fooled and I was very wary of her from the beginning. Anyone who has witnessed my first fight with her looking very skeletal will also tell you that I screamed « WHAT IS THAT » for at least 5 minutes, so that probably gives you an idea of if I’d date her or not.

Also, her weapon of choice is a scythe, which looks cool, but is very unpractical, and just for this fatal mistake, she becomes undatable.

Darklurker

Wings… Four arms = twice the hugs… Cool hood… Yes…

Elana the Squalid Queen

She’s nasty and told me I was undeserving of the mire, which is pretty mean of her. Even if she thinks it, she could at least be nice about it. I would not date her.

Sinh the Slumbering Dragon

Sinh is BANNED from this house because he’s not just feral, he’s RABID and POISONOUS and if I let him live in the yard he could poison my entire property and I do not want that.

Fume Knight

Alas! The Fume Knight looks really cool and has a pretty sexy armor, but tales say that he was infatuated with another woman (whether he met her when she was already an Ashen Idol or not remains a mystery but I’m no one to judge his taste in women). I respect people’s crushes so I will let him be in love with whoever he fancies and they may come over for dinner, as long as they behave.

Aava, Lud and Zallen, the King’s pet

They are very welcome to live in the yard. They may come inside the house, but they are not allowed on the couch.

Burnt Ivory King

No… He loved his wife very much… I’d invite them over for dinner and MAYBE try to seduce one of his knights (they have sexy armors, what can I say).

Aldia, Scholar of the First Sin

Aldia is a weird dude and I wouldn’t feel safe around him. I think he’d probably kidnap me while I’m asleep and go do some experiments on me in his cursed mansion. It’s a no from me chief. Not to mention the fact that he’s a… tree?

Afflicted Graverobber, Ancient Soldier Varg, and Cerah the Old Explorer

I wouldn’t date them, even though their armors are pretty sexy, simply because they seem like a good group of friends and I wouldn’t feel comfortable inserting myself in the group. I think I’d even be too shy to befriend them, but if they wanna come by my house and have a good time, they’re welcome to do so.

Blue Smelter Demon

See Smelter Demon, but with more vigor because this one is blue.

Sir Alonne

Yeah… he’s got the eldritch factor that I like in the Ruin Sentinels while also seeming more human and he’s also a pretty stylish man. I feel like he’s one of the strongest contestants in the game and he wouldn’t mind my long nose, as he’s got one himself. Pretty sexy armor and he is a man of honor. Definitely a yes.

[mysteryshelf]

BLOG TOUR - Glitter Bomb

Welcome to

SHANNON MUIR’S THE PULP AND MYSTERY SHELF!

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Glitter Bomb (A Scrapbooking Mystery) by Laura Childs with Terrie Farley Moran

  About the Book

Glitter Bomb (A Scrapbooking Mystery) Cozy Mystery 15th in Series Berkley (October 2, 2018) Hardcover: 320 pages ISBN-10: 0451489543 ISBN-13: 978-0451489548 Digital ASIN: B078VVDSQT

An exploding Mardi Gras float has got to be the strangest murder weapon scrappy sleuth Carmela Bertrand has ever encountered in this latest Scrapbooking Mystery from the New York Times bestselling author.

It’s Mardi Gras in New Orleans and scrapbook shop owner Carmela Bertrand is excited to be attending the Pluvius Parade along with her best friend Ava. Carmela’s ex-husband Shamus rides by the duo on his float at the head of the parade, when suddenly the revelry turns to disaster. Shamus’ float crashes and explodes, and although Shamus escapes unhurt, a member of his krewe is killed.

Carmela and Ava plunge into an investigation of the krewe-member’s death, but as they dig deeper it starts to look less like an accident and more like a murder….and Shamus seems less like a victim, and more like a suspect.

Guest Post

A Day in the Life

  Guest post from Laura Childs, New York Times

bestselling author of Glitter Bomb,

A New Orleans Scrapbooking Mystery.

  When I talk to readers – at bookstores, libraries, scrapbook shops, and tea shops – I’m often asked about my work schedule. How do I get inspired? Do I wait until a big idea sparks inside my brain and then start writing? Is every day filled with excitement and glamour?

  Well, you might be surprised at how I actually spend my time. Which is why I thought it’d be fun to give you a peak into a day in the life of a full-time author. Ready? Here goes.

  Get up at 7:30 am and feed Asia (dog). Make breakfast for Dr. Bob (husband). Read newspaper for ripped-from-the-headlines ideas and watch Squawk Box on CNBC, trying to kill time so I don’t have to face my half-written manuscript.

  Capitulate and go downstairs to office at 10:30 am. Check emails and respond accordingly. Especially check sale emails that have come in from Neiman Marcus and Nordstrom. Dream about $800 leopard print Manolo heels. Decide they’re way too expensive.

  Check in with Facebook. Accept Friend requests and try to post something amusing that will interest people. (Maybe ridiculously priced leopard shoes?) Check email again. Correspond with two libraries and set up dates to do an author talk. Bite fingernails, worry about what I have to talk about.

  Open manuscript and read through the chapter I wrote yesterday, fearful that it’s mostly gibberish. Am happily surprised that 60% is actually usable. Punch up sagging spots and start to feel better about my work in progress. Check email again.

  Start to get hungry around 1:00 pm so go upstairs and pop Weight Watchers hamburger in microwave. Eat burger while doing crossword puzzle in newspaper.  Scrounge in cupboard for chocolate-covered peanuts to eat while working.

  Go back to office and eat chocolate peanuts, getting keyboard all sticky. Check email. Look at clock, surprised to find it’s nearly 2:30.

  Fear begins to take hold, so I write like crazy and manage to bang out a good 8 to 10 pages. Something furry nuzzles my arm. Dog. I’ve completely lost track of time and realize that the dog wants dinner (so does Dr. Bob) and it’s quittin’ time for me. Whew. What a killer day!

  If you find my writing mildly amusing, let me assure you that my new book Glitter Bomb, is even better. In fact, here’s a quick synopsis:

  Mardi Gras in New Orleans is in full swing when the King Neptune float explodes, sending a plume of glitter into the night sky and killing a hedge fun bigwig. Scrapbook maven Carmela and her BFF Ava have front row seats to the mayhem – and get pulled in when Carmela’s ex, Shamus, becomes a key suspect. Running her own shadow investigation, Carmela tries to clear Shamus while dodging the watchful eye of her fiancée Detective Edgar Babcock. Haunted cemeteries, fashion show, sports car rally, and hungry alligators round out the humor and mischief.

  Thanks for reading me!

  Love,

  Laura Childs

About The Authors

  Laura Childs is the New York Times bestselling author of the Tea Shop Mysteries, Scrapbook Mysteries, and Cackleberry Club Mysteries. In her previous life she was CEO/Creative Director of her own marketing firm and authored several screenplays. She is married to a professor of Chinese art history, loves to travel, rides horses, enjoys fundraising for various non-profits, and has two Chinese Shar-Pei dogs.

Laura specializes in cozy mysteries that have the pace of a thriller (a thrillzy!) Her three series are:

The Tea Shop Mysteries – set in the historic district of Charleston and featuring Theodosia Browning, owner of the Indigo Tea Shop. Theodosia is a savvy entrepreneur, and pet mom to service dog Earl Grey. She’s also an intelligent, focused amateur sleuth who doesn’t rely on coincidences or inept police work to solve crimes. This charming series is highly atmospheric and rife with the history and mystery that is Charleston.

The Scrapbooking Mysteries – a slightly edgier series that take place in New Orleans. The main character, Carmela, owns Memory Mine scrapbooking shop in the French Quarter and is forever getting into trouble with her friend, Ava, who owns the Juju Voodoo shop. New Orleans’ spooky above-ground cemeteries, jazz clubs, bayous, and Mardi Gras madness make their presence known here!

The Cackleberry Club Mysteries – set in Kindred, a fictional town in the Midwest. In a rehabbed Spur station, Suzanne, Toni, and Petra, three semi-desperate, forty-plus women have launched the Cackleberry Club. Eggs are the morning specialty here and this cozy cafe even offers a book nook and yarn shop. Business is good but murder could lead to the cafe’s undoing! This series offers recipes, knitting, cake decorating, and a dash of spirituality.

Laura’s Links:

Webpage – http://www.laurachilds.com/

Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/laura.childs.31

Short-listed twice for The Best American Mystery Stories, Terrie Farley Moran is delighted to introduce mystery fans to the Read ’Em and Eat café and bookstore, which debuted with Well Read, Then Dead. followed by Caught Read-Handed and Read to Death released in July of this year. The only thing Terrie enjoys more than wrangling mystery plots into submission is playing games and reading stories with any or all of her grandchildren.

Terrie’s Links:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/terrie.moran.9

Blog: www.womenofmystery.net

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/23186092-terrie-moran

  Purchase Links:

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BLOG TOUR – Glitter Bomb was originally published on the Wordpress version of Shannon Muir's The Pulp and Mystery Shelf

[bellabooks]

“Pretty Little Liars” S7 E12 Recap: These Boots Were Made for Stalking

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, A.D. crafted an elaborate board game for the Liars that shoots out evidence and will most likely murder them all…hopefully before Ezria’s wedding! We pick up with the Liars in Spencer’s barn, eyeballing the board game. They wonder if it’s spying on them, and the answer is YES EVERYONE IS SPYING ON YOU GIRLS AT ALL TIMES WE’VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR YEARS NOW. Ali thinks that Jenna built the game, but Hanna reminds them that Jenna is blind and therefore probably can’t build elaborate Jigsaw-like traps for them. Or can she? Hanna put the knife away, we’re playing Hungry Hungry Hippos   Emily emphatically declares that she won’t be bullied anymore as she’s not in high school, and the Liars remind her that she is literally still in high school every damn day. Emily storms out, because she has a faculty parking spot and a whistle dammit, which surely makes up for the fact that she is working in a building that literally told her to ACT NORMAL, BITCH. Great job Emily, way to work it through.  I’m not afraid of prison, I watched Orange is the New Black like, 50 times!   Aria is leaving Ezra’s apartment when she runs into a reporter who wants to cover the Ezra/Nicole reunion story. Aria blows him off and tells him that she’s the only fiancée in Ezra’s life. Later, she meets up with Holden and vents while helping him cook for a rehearsal dinner. If this is building to an Aria/Holden romance, I wouldn’t be mad. Back at Rosewood High for Wayward Lesbians, Emily and Paige are going over the swim team roster. Paige apologizes for the heated meeting with Alison, and Emily reminds her that they all have intense and complicated relationships with each other. Emily tells Paige that she fell for her when Paige told her about Ali’s bullying, which isn’t surprising considering Emily pops a savior boner whenever there’s a girl in trouble. Unfortunately, instead of having this conversation in an office, they’re having it in the locker room, where they are overheard by teen Addison Derringer, aka Ali 2.0. This is why you don’t air your dirty lesbian laundry at work, people! I wonder if there’s this much lesbian drama on the field hockey team?   Over at Casa Hastings, Veronica is trying to mend things with Spencer, despite the earth shattering news that she is not her bio-mom. Spencer calls out her dad for avoiding her, and demands to know how much Melissa knew. Veronica tells her that Melissa doesn’t know her whole origin story, and Spencer shouts that a part of her soul will always live in Radley from whence she came. Back at Rosewood High, Alison is assigning homework and teaching, which is bananas considering she spent her high school years wearing masks of other people’s faces and flying planes into the night. Emily shows up to question Addison about skipping practice, but Addison blows her off with some Ali-worthy high school bitchery. When she leaves, Emily and Alison complain about kids today and Ali worries that maybe the baby she’s carrying that’s half her/half Archer will grow up to be a real jerk. Don’t worry Ali, we all know that baby is half Emily, so it will be a shiny-haired rainbow pony. Emily comforts and hugs Ali, while Addison spies on them and takes pictures. Once again guys, save it for the teacher’s lounge. What if my kid is a blackmailing bitch who blinds people with firecrackers?! As long as she has a winsome lesbian BFF with savior issues, she’ll be just fine   Mona breezes into Hanna’s loft with an armful of dresses she scrounged from Hanna’s closet while she was asleep because, you know, Mona gotta Mona. She shows her the dress that Kate flipped for, but Hanna stares at the dress like she owes it money and refuses her. Mona tells her to get over it and loan the damn dress. If this series refuses to end with Hanna and Mona riding off into the sunset together, I’ll accept Hanna and Mona building a fashion empire. Spencer calls Officer Marco and asks him to help her look for Mary Drake, and reveals that she’s her bio-mom. Hanna feverishly works on her dress, and reveals to Caleb that while she designed it, she took copious notes from her former dragon lady boss Claudia. Caleb tells her to ignore her fears and run with her design. I like how everyone on this show has completely forgotten that he spent all of last season banging Spencer. Like…is that ever gonna come up again? We joke about Caleb being a lesbian, but is there anything gayer than dating your exes friends?   Addison goes to Paige and claims that Emily was hitting on her and behaving inappropriately with the other swimmers. She shows Paige the picture of Emily and Ali hugging, and threatens to go to the principal. Paige confronts Emily, who is furious at the false allegations. Paige tries to be supportive, but reminds Emily that she probs shouldn’t be hugging Alison in a classroom. Emily responds that everyone in town knows her history with Ali, which is simultaneously true and completely bananas. I would love a spin-off of Pretty Little Liars that’s just from the perspective of the other townspeople, with the mailman chuckling good-naturedly while Spencer is running around in the background with a shovel. What’s the matter, Addison? Drugs? Teen pregnancy? Roofied cupcakes?   Also, more evidence that Addison is an amateur: that hug is the least incriminating thing Emily has ever done. Didn’t she hear that she killed a guy? Emily is furious, and refuses to be bullied by a queen bee in the very same high school that bullied her. Paige tells her she’ll coach practice tonight and put out any fires. Aria and Holden continue cooking and talking about Ezra and Nicole. Aria sees an article online about the happy couple getting reunited, and has a mini freak-out, but Holden is able to calm her down and remind her that everyone has a past…except for Aria, whose past is inextricably linked to a sexual predator. But look, they’re making tabouleh and having fun! I’m just saying, if we cooked edibles instead of tabbouleh, we’d make SO MUCH more money!   Marco and Spencer are at the police station discussing Mary Drake, when look who comes tap-tap-tapping in? It’s Jenna Marshall, showing up with a sob story about how Noel Kahn forced her to threaten the Liars at gunpoint. Jenna claims that Noel offered her money for new eyeballs, and Spencer is all YOU LIE! Meanwhile, Emily is at the Brew, where Jenna magically materializes with an entourage. I will never not love Jenna slowly walking into a room to a Liars’ horror, so imagine my delight when she does the exact same thing to Hanna and Mona at Radley, only THIS TIME she’s wearing a rip-off of Hanna’s dress. Mona confronts Jenna and demands to know where she got the dress, and Jenna claims that it was a gift. Hanna tells Mona that it’s all part of the game, and Mona is all, “what game?” because the Liars haven’t told her about it. JFC Liars, loop Mona in already! She’s a genius that is always 50 steps ahead of you! I feel like Mona could take one look at that board game and crack it wide open with only the powers of her mind. Someone give this woman a spin-off! Despite multiple dead bodies in the backyard, this is still a seller’s market!   Meanwhile, Spencer tells her mom that she’s not going to work for her anymore, and Veronica reveals that she’s selling the house. Veronica tells Spencer that she loves her and living there with her children was what made it a home, but Spencer continues to give her the cold shoulder. Veronica tells her that all she ever wanted was for Spencer to feel safe, despite Spencer spending her entire adolescence and adult life in mortal danger. Whelp, she tried? JK, not at all. Emily asks Ali for the spare key to Spencer’s barn so she can go and play the board game. Alison is dubious that the evil game will help Emily or give her any answers, but agrees to go along with her. They arrive to find Emily’s game piece has been moved to the high school, and the phone of doom is waiting for her with a video of Addison making out with her boyfriend and smoking pot when she should have been at practice. Thanks A.D.? They see me tappin’, they hatin’   Meanwhile, Caleb and Hanna have followed Jenna to a shoe repair store, where she is assembling the rest of Hanna’s stolen outfit. While Caleb confronts Jenna, Hanna sneaks into the shoe repair shop, which is dark and creepy and empty. Fun fact: Jenna’s DareDevil-like abilities means she can smell the Liars coming from a mile away! She’s like one of those drug sniffing police dogs, except evil. Hanna wanders into a shoe cage (which is a thing?) and ends up getting locked in because of course she does. She’s then threatened by a whirring sander and a swinging wooden shoe form. I mean, it’s no Radley basement, but it’s enough to trigger her PTSD. Caleb finds her and breaks her out of the cage. Emily confronts Addison with the video of her skipping school, and shows her an email that Addison sent to friends confessing her plans to falsely accuse Emily. Addison is carted off to the principal’s office, while Emily gloats over blackmailing a 10th grader. I guess I should be mad, but that kid is an ass. A.D. texts Emily a congrats for embracing her dark side, and gives her another piece of the puzzle. If you look really closely, you can see tiny models of our moms drinking tiny wines!   Emily places the puzzle piece on the board, and Spencer thinks that it might be a map. But a map to where?! What did you think of last night’s episode? Tweet me your big gay feels @ChelseaProcrast   http://dlvr.it/P117cS