#like tell me youve never actually talked to a fat person without telling me

[onewingednatu]

If your go-to argument for why a person is bad is "they're fat"

You need to get the fuck off the computer and TV and go talk to actual, real life people

[tastyykpop]

nct dating headcannons!

I only did 127 because there's so many but ill do the others if anyone requests it :)

ɴᴄᴛ ʙғ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴ

Taeil

Mr. Moon Taeil is the definition of a cuddly boyfriend

Hes always holding your hand or kissing your cheek

Definitely gets shy when the members are around but in public youre all his

Hes super sincere about anything too but also knows how to joke around

I mean have you seen him with nct

Hes funny❗❗

Like he's gonna make you laugh no matter what

And those deep convos yall would have at night while cuddling>>>

"What if we were put on earth by aliens as an experiment to see if we would live and everytime we see ufos its just our cousins checking up on us"

Eyes wide open, "bro"

Taeils either the big or small spoon too

There's no in between

Also the biggest baby when yall are chilling

"I call small spoon!"

"But you were the small spoon last night"

"K and what about it"

10/10 would complain if you didn't want to sit with him and watch a movie or show

Would probably guilt trip you by saying you never watch something with him

Hes a sweet manipulator...

But he could easily replace you with one of the members

Like sicheng

Taeil will always ask if you've eaten

If you haven't eaten he gets big sad

Don't make him sad

Plus hes always checking on your health

And he'll know if your lying if you say you're doing fine when you're not

Also don't lie in general cuz he doesn't like that

That would make him trust you a bit less and he definitely wants trust in the relationship

Trust is a huge key or hes out

Johnny

This man 🥲

Boyfriend Material™

So gentle and loving

Loves making you feel special and will hype the shit out of you when you don't feel confident doing something

Will always make sure you're doing okay

Johnny puts in so much effort to make this relationship work and expects you to put the same amount of effort into it too

Like taeil, hes really big on trust

Add honesty to that list

Plus he expects you to be mature when needed

If you're the type of person who depends on someone else for everything and I'm mean everything he will actually leave

Hes not your babysitter❤

But he will take care of you to some extent

Like basic things for instance

He'll make you food if you're sick, get you water if your dehydrated, will get your feminine products when you need it

Very sweet😌

Okay and he spoils you but wbk

"Why are you getting me so much things?"

"Because I love you."

"But why did you get me a kitten costume???"

He has some kinks to work out 😐

Johnny will go to shop after shop even if you say you don't want something (you do but you just don't want him to pay) he'll get it without batting an eye

"Youve been staring at these shoes for 5 minutes imma buy them for you"

"Huh? No! I-"

"Too late"

will take you out to dinner all the time just to be romantic

Hes actually really good at romantic stuff

I say Johnny you say whipped

Johnny👀

Whipped😫

His free time is always you time

So don't bother saying your busy cuz now hes busy with you

"Johnny i got a test coming up can you come later? I need to study

"Thats cute im coming over to help"

Taeyong

Judging taeyong on his looks, some say he would be cold to his girlfriend

Like a tsundere

But the man is quite the opposite

Though he can be stern if need be

He has 22 children what do you expect

Will literally treat you like his members and always taking care of you

But there will be times when you have to take care of him because hes so tired from work

He turns into a baby when he's tired or lazy too

So wrap him in a burrito blanket and hes all set for the day

Makes weird noises but thats normal

You're just watching tv and hes just making some old video game sounds with his mouth

No one questions it

If he didnt make sounds you'd probably question it

Talks in pout if he doesn't get his way with you

"Why don't you wanna play games with me~"

"Bruh I'm tired"

Or just gives you those big puppy eyes without even trying

Complete other person when you're not listening

He just kinda stares at you all intimidating like until you listen

Taeyong won't do anything too bad if you kept ignoring him, but you don't know that

Omg bro he'd literally bring you on vlive with him to chat

Even if the company is like '???Shes not an idol???'

But its taeyong so SM doesn't care🧍‍♂️

"We have special guest again! Its y/n-ah!!"

You'd be just chilling on his bed giving him a wtf look until you realize there's a camera and smile

"Shes cute. Isn't she cute guys?"

Don't try to escape the vlive, he'll just get up and sit you on his lap

Makes everyone watching jelly🥲

Bro he would make fun of you the same way he makes fun of doyoung

you'd be sitting with doyoung or sumn and taeyong just comes up to the both of you and decides

'Its time to end these two'

You and doyoung are just like 'tf did we do'

Somehow some other members are making fun of yall

Of course they aren't mean

Its all fun and games and gives you a good laugh after

Doyoung

Hes literally a mom

But its ok

You love it

Sometimes

He also nags a lot

And if you don't listen he gets mad

You wouldn't tell him this but you find it funny

And cute🤐

"Youre almost as bad as dream" 

"what are u talking about im an angel"

"Kay then put the knife down we kinda need haechan to live"

Hes beaten you with a pillow once

In front of taeyong

Taeyong was watching like 👁👄👁

I dont think he cares much for pda tbh

But he doesn't hate it

He'll hug you a lot

And doyoung will probably kiss you here and there

But thats depending on his mood

If he's tired he'd probably just hold you in his arms

Either way he still makes you smile even with the smallest of touches

When you guys go out in public doyoung always holds your hand

I mean always

Remember when I said he doesn't seem like the type to be into pda

I lied

Doyoung wants everyone to know youre his

He won't kiss you but he will pull you into random hugs and hold your hand like he's gonna lose you any second

Doyoung also can't go anywhere without dressing his best

Like even if he's just practicing he's gotta look cute

And he always does because he's fucking kim doyoung

Doyoung also has a habit to make up names for you

Like one day he'll call you babe/baby

The next day could be angel or princess

Then there's you who just calls him bunny because he hates (loves) it

Expect some random gifts from him

Cuz like Johnny, he likes to spoil you

he just loves the smile thats plastered on your face

Pinches your cheeks evey time you smile too

When you guys are just chilling in the dorms you are always doing something to make doyoung get "angry"

"Angry" doyoung is a fun doyoung

Says you and taeyong 🤭

Literally will chase you around the dorm until he gets you and "scolds you"

Hell also scold taeyong

Sometimes you prank him with the other members

*cough*haechan*cough*

But doyoung knows youre just being playful

So he kinda laughs at you

Yuta

Hes a devil

Wbk

He can go from calling you the cutest lil thang to saying the most inappropriate stuff

"U have such a pretty mouth" 

"no stop" 

"how about u use it on my-"

"OUT DEMON"

Besides that he's actually very nice

Although he doesn't really show his affection like how most couples would

At first hes kinda like a "cold boyfriend" but not?

Gives off a tsundere kinda vibe

He lives for pda

Especially if you initiate it

His favorite is kissing your neck

Not in a sexual way or trying to give you hickeys tho

He just comes over and kisses it

Probably has a neck kink 😳

Same 😌

When you guys are out in public his arm is always around your waist or shoulders

He gets easily jealous when you give anyone any attention

Especially if you have a pet

He will be pouty for God knows how long until you notice

"I'll make it up to you"

"ok then prove it *pats his lap*"

"...I can and will replace you with this animal"

Will not let a dude flirt with you

If he sees a dude flirt with you he just gives them ㄒ卄乇 ㄥㄖㄖҜ

Lowkey hot

But sometimes gives you that look if u aren't listening to him

Its an advantage

Freaks you out tho

When your sitting on the couch minding your own damn business yuta always pulls you onto his lap or sits you between his legs

He really likes to be close to you

So when you guys are sitting he keeps his head on your shoulder and his arms wrapped around you gently rocking you both

Omg im making myself feel single

If you are sad yuta will always be the first person you lean on

Even if its not serious

"Who do I need to fuck up?"

"Im literally just on my period..."

The members sometimes tease him because they'd never seen him so in love

He looks at you like ur his everything

Because you are

He'll tell you that too

If you say something bad about urself he gives you a whole ass lecture about how u should love yourself the way he loves you

He'd be talking for 25 minutes but you stopped listening 30 minutes ago

Literally scolds you for not listening

Loves how well you get along with the members

But also hates how well you get along with specific members because of how similar you are with them

What I'm trying to say is that you are a bit too similar to mark🚶‍♂️

Jaehyun

Frat boy boyfriend

Lowkey wants to fuck everyday

Idk he gives off that vibe

But jaehyuns just chill half the time

Hes like an American boyfriend like bitch you're Korean 👁👄👁

Hes super cuddly and warm

Thats weird wait

Like when you're cold just snuggle into him because body heat <3

Always loosely has his arms around your waist when just laying down

Whole different story if you're sitting on his lap and just standing around

Back hugs😫😫

Dead ass the first thing he does if he sees you is give you a back hug

It works for a lot of things

Surprise? Back hug

You're cooking? Back hug

Horny? Back hug

Solves his life problems basically

Hes a freak omg

Very flirtatious too

Hes just that bitch

Either he makes you blush or roll your eyes

"Y/n you're ass is fat"

Def an ass guy😑

Hes the type of guy to put his hands in your jeans back pocket

Wait no im feeling jaehyun too much rn

BUT MY POINT STILL STANDS

Or when yall hug his hand doesn't rest on your back but your ass

If you're wearing some shorts or something that makes your but pop

Hes gonna smack it and pretend like nothing happened

Yo someone pls save me im in my jae feels

Nah I've been talking about his ass kink for too long

Ummmm

Okay for real though jaes actually really nice and kind of careless when it comes to you

Fuck everyone else, if you've fallen and scraped your knee hes gonna be that soccer mom and rip a band aid out of nowhere

But if one of his members scraped their knee he'd just look the other way and smile like nothing happened

Earlier I said he was chill but hes also loud too

You walk into the dorms and the first thing you hear is "Y/N!!" Wyd?

You swear he doesn't realize how loud he is half the time because of that deep voice

This bitch always makes sure youre healthy and tries to take you to the gym with him

It dont work cuz this bitch just stares at your ass

Nah I need to do the next member

Jungwoo

hes literally the cutest especially around you

When he greets you its basically a whole ass bear hug

Whole lots a kissing

Literally doesn't care where you guys are

He will kiss you anywhere

Loves to kiss your forehead because he doesn't have to bend down as much🤭

doesnt care if the members are there

Nobody ever questions it either

"youre my baby right?"

"jungwoo-"

"riGhT?"

"Yes...."

He does aegyo if he doesn't get his way

It works every time don't lie

Will probably sit on your lap for some reason

Hes not light

But if you can do it so can he

you guys never get into fights

Even if you do its never anything serious

"you fucking pushed me so u could win"

"false I accidentally bumped my arm into urs"

"whats accidental is the murder im going to commit"

"what?"

"What?"

Smh young love

Going shopping with jungwoo is like shopping with a kid

Will beg for any food he lays his eyes on

"Omg can we get cookies?🥺"

"only if your paying"

“*gently places cookie dough back* lmao cookies? Never heard of her"

No matter how tired the boy is he will always find time for you

Hell take you too your favorite restaurants and even if you insist on paying he wont let you

If you don't marry him I will

When you guys are walking in public he will always be holding your hand

Says its because he doesn't want you to get lost

But you know damn well its actually him who doesn't want to get lost😳

Jk you just know he wants to be close to you

If you make any suggestive joke he always knows how to counterpart it

Leaving you speechless like the members

When you guys are going to bed he has his arms wrapped around your waist

first thing jungwoo does before sleeping is giving you a kiss

Doesn't care if your asleep or awake

Then a quiet 𝐼 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢

Mark

i dont even know how to explain this relationship bruh

like its mark lee its gonna be a weird time

ok so marks actually hella nice

kinda bro or dude zones you but you do it back

theres a bunch of yo’s too

as someone who says yo a lot im happy i can relate to him

“yo youre doing that wrong though”

“dude im literally reading the directions, it said 3 cups of water”

“bro it says 3/4 oh my god”

yall cant cook 

taeyong wont even allow even you to help him cook

anyway marks special

but seriously marks actually a very gentle person with you

like legit is super nice to you even if you sometimes piss him off

marks probablys only been mad at you once then was like ‘its okay’

go to his practices cuz he loves that shit

he really likes when you are social with the members too

cuz then you guys are all friends and he can just bring you to places with them :D

this kid will literally not to pda in front of any member so you have to basically force him to just hug you

johnnys always making fun of you two and mark panics everytime while youre just like ‘yeah what about it’

compliment mark and hes blushing and squealing like an anime girl

inch resting concept 

“mark you look cute today”

“o-oh um..yeah thanks”

and this man can take compliments but with you its a whole new story

aight lemme get serious

marks mad sensitive 

so dont actually purposely make him mad, jealous, or upset

it would crush him

and he doesnt want someone like that in a relationship

cuz if he doesnt purposely do it to you, dont do it to him

take notes 

Haechan

hes a brat bye

would actually fight you just to get his way

makes fun of you on a regular

thinks hes cute 

hes not wrong

but actually he knows how to act mature when he needs to

like if youre genuinly getting upset with him, he will straighten up and quicky apologize, even give you a phat kiss and hug

might take you to get ice cream after if he really upset you

he can be nice

nah jk hes very nice and is a really energetic boyfriend

haechan always wants to do something with you liek go to the amusement park, go out to eat, or go shopping

sometimes makes everything seem like a hassle to leave and go somewhere with you cuz hes either lazy or playing video games

“cant you just go by yourself?”

“but what if i get lost”

“the ice cream place is literally five miles away”

“actually its seven so im gonna get lost”

hed groan the whole time just to be annoying but you dont care cuz you got your ice cream

if you go to any concert or practice, haechan always has to make things more sexy than they should be

like ‘fool’ became hella sexual and for what

its probably one of his favorites to make you blush

he loves your reactions

keeps him alive

hyucks always got something to say even at the most awful times

youre literally choking on water and he goes “ill give you something to choke on later”

and you have to cancel your dying session to smack his head

my guy has no filter

and he wont even hide that around the members

theres always that smirk on his cute ass face if he succeeds too

i have the sudden urge to fight him

[aw-life-no]

Long personal rant ahead im working through some shit yall. Trigger warnings ahead of #suicidal ideation #depression #self harm #self hate

And for all my IRL friends who will probably see this, this ramble thoughts is why i dont reach out.

————-

So can anyone tell me....How the fuck do you tell your friends youve been in a suicidal-idealation place for a few weeks but like....without worrying them because you feel like youve feel like youve been exhausting them with your problems a lot recently but theyre youre support system so like you know they care but you just dont want to overwhelm them anymore then they already are??? But like i also havent actually told anybody really about how i want to die like every day all the time and i cant stop thinking about all the ways i could just dissapear?? And ive been like this since i was like 14 but ok whatever.....but im also like terrified of my imagination?? Like does anyone else think of stabbing into the forearm and ripping up it with a knife every other thought?? Or just overdosing??? Like its not normal and i dont want to scare people with the actual thoughts i have....but i shouldnt keep them all inside??

But like im also finally kinda getting some of my life together i guess?? I have a great girlfriend, a good support system mostly......make decent money now, anxiety is lower now.....And like.....i dont want to die??? im only 26 but ive been in this spiral since i tried to kill myself at 14 and 20 and like is this just going to happen every six years like what the fuck. Im on the anti depressants. I take care of myself as best i can in this state...I get sleep most of the time. Im working on therapy. I need to talk to my doctor about different meds maybe like UGH.

I thought i stopped self harming years ago and SURE i dont cut anymore but i dont like...eat anymore?? And im fat so how the fuck is that working for me haha....and i “accidently” trigger myself sometimes which is WHY you dont see me on alot of social media much anymore cause im fucked up and go into a deep spiral on purpos cause i want to feel somethinf??? And i take showers WAY too hot so my skin turns red...And ive lost SO MUCH interest in what i used to LOVE doing like art and writing and costumes. And i still scratch at my skin till its raw and overthink everything. And keep it all bottled up all the time.

And i wish there was a place i could just talk about all of this without being like put on a suicide watch or whatever. I DONT WANT TO ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS BUT I CANT GET RID OF THEM. Thats my problem. I cant just “be happy” or “think positive”. Its bullshit and has never worked for me. And yes i did try yoga and meditation.

But now im just TIRED ALL THE TIME. I just want to sleep my life away. I dont want to exist in this hell of a life being thrown at me but god damn IM TRYING to make it worth it. And i hate myself that im like this but this mental illness is NOT going to define me.

And i WISH people would think to like i dunno, check up on me once in a while?? WITHOUT me prompting it like in posts like this??? Like im always initating and you know what??? Reaching out is fucking HARD AS SHIT and i need a fucking limb or something. Im BAD at asking for help. I know this about myself and i dont know how to fix it. And now i know people will ask “oh are you ok” or “i saw your tumblr post wanna talk” like NO i DONT. I used to want to talk but now yall are gunna remember me for like 5 seconds and forget once i “seem ok”. (And also i just ranted out all my feelings so what more would i say to you anyway). And I KNOW thats selfish of me becuase everyone has their own lives and illness and trauma too....but i keep telling my support that I WILL DISTANCE MYSELF AND NOT PARTICIPATE OR INTERACT BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO BOTHER YOU OR FEEL LIKE IM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOUR HELP. And it seems like whenever i need help or feel like i need or should reach out, everyone is already burnt out or unavailable. So here i am on tumblr.

Anyway. Im 26. Clinically depressed and anxious. And ive been suicidal since i was 14. Ive attempted twice, not that youd be able to tell by looking at me. My shit is not together but goddess i am trying.

[withinthevision-blog]

There’s a lot of things I need to write about tonight. Things I can’t stop thinking about, or take my mind off, things that are driving me insane that I need to get out somewhere and this seems like the only appropriate place to do it. If for whatever reason you’re reading this, I want to forewarn that this is going to get sappy, apologetic, poetic, and just kinda miserable all the way through. But then again, this is for me, not you. So please, remember these are memoirs and thoughts, not some fictional thing for opinions.That said, here goes.

A Letter To My Ex -

I’ve needed to talk about you for a very long time, but I can’t ever really bare it. Its been years now, but I guess that’s what both love and heartbreak are. Because I felt both of those, not that I really have anything but memories of either anymore. I guess you’re the reason I’ve become so closed off, not that I’m blaming you. Of course I could never blame you.

I remember how we met, you were crying in an exam, and me, both being curious and having literally the most horrendous White Saviour complex anyone has ever seen, decided to talk to you after the exam. I won’t lie, I don’t even remember seeing you around school before that day - You were part of that invisible crowd, you know the ones, they’re at every school, kept to their own, straight A’s etc. I could never work out why you trusted me so quickly, maybe because I was the only one who ever really asked? I don’t know, and I guess I never will! I remember I badgered you to talk about whatever was bothering you for about a month, and one day, you knocked on one of the music room doors while I was teaching guitar, and when I opened it, you burst into tears. I think that was the moment we really started to love each other, if I’m frank, I finally had someone real to care for, and you finally had someone who’d hold you.

The relationship went well, for about a year and a half, we’d moved in together, or more accurately I’d moved in with you. And I was happier than I can ever remember being before then, or since then, but the same couldn’t be said for you. Looking back on it I can almost see the change in you, wherein you stopped seeing all the good in me, and started noticing the bad. When my blunt honesty became arrogance, where my violent pasttime became something to worry about, rather than something to keep you safe. I see all of that now, but hindsight is 20/20 I guess. Needless to say, six months later. you broke it off with me. January 1st, 2014, I remember it perfectly. I remember going to your house and crying to you, begging you not to do this. But to your credit you stuck with your decision and let me walk away.

I don’t blame you for this at all, I was a nasty person back then, and you’re never going to hear me say any of this because we’ve barely spoken since. You’re never going to hear about how drunk I got the night you broke up with me, about how I failed college because I couldn’t not think about you, but these are just that - My failures - And they started with my failure to see that I was no longer needed by you, and that I was becoming the exact thing I started talking to you for, just another one of your problems.

I’ll never get to tell you how proud I am that you had the strength to do what you did, and I know you’ve grown to be a beautiful, proud woman. And I respect every inch of that, you never needed me, but I sure as hell needed you. But most importantly, you’ll never hear me say this because I AM over you. I am, but you were the last time I felt love, and it’s hard not to think of you, and how happy I was then, whenever I feel lonely, on nights like tonight where I’m typing stupid letters to people on Tumblr to hopefully make myself feel that little bit better.

To My First Friend -

God, this isn’t even a sappy story. Not anywhere near as bad as the last one, probably won’t be anywhere near as long either. But I feel like typing about you, just once. You won’t see it I know, but I want there to be some evidence, somewhere of how damned much you actually mean to me. Asshole.

I remember the day I met you too, the first day of high school, you shook my hand, squeezed a lil too hard, I thought it was a game, and squeezed back. I remember how much you cried, you were small back then, quite fat too. I nearly broke your goddamned fingers. And you hated me, for months. I can’t remember why or when we got over that - I do remember you coming to my house one day and just apologising for whatever it was you were apologizing for, and that was that! From that day onwards, we were nigh on inseperable. Still kinda aren’t I guess...

Two years ago, we went to America, just me and you, for 6 weeks. That’s where our bond has gotten too, You trusted me enough to follow me 4000 miles across a fucking ocean, to live with people neither of us had ever met, for near 2 months. Purely because I asked you to come with me. Those were a very happy 6 weeks. I’ll never forget them, I know I won’t, because I went on my greatest adventure yet with you.

Eleven years down the line. Where the bloody hell has that time gone.... I ask myself that a lot really, I look at you now. Taller than I am, fitter than I am, with a wonderful girlfriend, your first flat, I can’t help but realise how you deserve all the happiness in the world for dealing with me, god I know I can be and insufferable wanker at times but you’ve dealt with me so many times. You’ve stuck by me through all these years and I really cannot ever thank you enough for it.

To My Second Friend -

No I promise I’m not going to list all of them, I only have two more letters to get through, so bare with me here please!

I don’t remember the day I met you. All I know is ‘First Friend’ introduced you to me at some point soon after me and #1 became friends. At first I was jealous, because I’m an ass like that, of how close you and #1 were, but soon you adopted me, this outsider into your little clan of weirdoes, because lets face it that’s exactly what we were, and we were thick as thieves. Now sure, you were friend #2, but for a very long time you were my best friend, my brother, and lord knows if you ever need me I’ll still be there.

I remember this one day in particular. We decided to walk from my house - to a house party the town over, a 14ish mile trek by our count. I remember preparing for it, the backpacks filled with energy drink, packed lunches, cigarettes for me, and those weird orange tablet thingies for you. You never did eat any fruit or veg. I remember how halfway through this trip, we came to a fork in the road, left had a few feet of mud, right looked fine, so we took right, turns out, it was a fucking bog. Fun. I remember how I got stuck, so I yelled for you, and without missing a beat you turned and ran back across this knee deep, stinging nettle infested bog to come and help me. You never complained about that, never bitched, never even told anyone I yelled, as far as I’m aware. And I’m not too sure I ever thanked you for it either.

For months now I’ve been complaining of friends forgetting me. Well, unfortunately #2, that’s all about you. I couldn’t really give a damn about the other 2 guys from our group, we were never really all that close - But whereas they sort of just let me get on with my stupid little games, and my tantrums, and as I got older, my violent tendencies. You joined in with my games, bitched with me during my tantrums, and found a way to curb my anger so I wouldn’t hurt others. You know me so much better than anyone else, I’m fairly certain I know you better than anyone else too.

Which brings me to my point of this section, all of this, everything you’ve ever done for me, every time youve stopped me hurting someone, or even worse, taken the hit for them, for all the times we’ve laughed, and cried, and screamed, and faught, and drank together, I can truely call you my brother in everything except blood. Which is why this hurts me so much, you’ve watched me walk away when I’ve needed you most, you haven’t so much as asked why I’ve done it either. I love you and I would do anything for you. But this stings in a way I can’t begin to descibe, I’m crying writing it, and I’m fairly certain this won’t be the last time I cry over man who has as good as saved my life, several times over. I hope you come back.

So I’m going to move on to the really bad one now. If you don’t like ‘bad childhood’ stories. Please stop reading here. If you ever want to understand where my temper comes from, then don’t. Quite simple.

To My ‘Father’ -

I’m not going to start this with some ‘I remember’ tale, because frankly. You don’t deserve the effort to write something nice. You’re the only man I’ve ever known to leave his kids not one, but fucking twice! ‘How did that happen’ I hear you ask. WELL.

When I was about (I don’t remember my childhood too well, it’s mostly a complete blank) 8, I think? My Dad stopped. Literally stopped. No more working, no more taking his kids to school, no more making food or anything else. All you did was drink. You fucking coward. I remember how on a summer party, you dislocated one of my shoulders chucking me into a paddling pool. I remember how when I decided to take our shit of a dog on a walk, and it pushed me into a ditch of stinging nettles, you laughed. But more than anything. I remember the sound of you hitting my mother. I’m not sure if it happened more than once but I am certain it happened at least once. And now I remember it I will never, ever look you in the fucking eyes again. You had four children to look after, to raise, and you just couldn’t. You were a weak, harsh, cruel man. My mother is the most hardworking, loving woman you could have met and you hurt her?! She raised us all, singlehandedly, WHILE juggling a large company she owned, singlehandedly. And you couldn’t even manage the school run in the morning. Scum.

I promised didn’t I. Last one, if you’ve bothered reading this far, I’ll try and give you a nice ending. At least, a happier than ‘abusive father/abandoning friends/my ex/ kind of happier. This is where the real sap is going to come in.

To My Friend, Richard. -

I know I can be an absolute asshat to you, we like to press each others buttons, but I know I can occaisionally take things too far. I don’t mean it, I’m sorry for that.

These last few months have been fairly tough on me, from new years till now I haven’t really been feeling well at all. But you’ve been there for me. Every single step of the way. I can’t begin to describe how good it feels to KNOW that I have someone that I can call at any time, to talk to, to cry at, to yell with, to read my comics with when I’m feeling bad, or to play games or watch films with. That’s you Rich, you have been the absolute best friend I ever could have wished for at this time. I know you’re there. God knows why you put up with me after how I can act, but you do. You always do.

You say your family love me because of how I’ve helped you out before. But it isn’t you, or them that owe me. It’s me that owes you. Time for one more ‘I Remember’

I remember, the end of May, and without a doubt one of the worst nights of my life. I was walking a friend home when suddenly depression hit me like a fucking truck. And I won’t lie. For a solid few minutes I genuinely considered walking to the bridge over the A14/Dockspur and just ending it, but for some reason, my hands decided to ring you instead. And at 2 in the morning, on a rainy night, you walked approximately 3 miles from you house, in a fucking jigglypuff oneise, with a beer in each pocket to find me, you never asked me to stop crying. You just let me get it out, I sat there for what must’ve been an hour or so in the rain just crying, and you sat with one arm around me, and when I finally pulled myself together, you gave me a beer and a pep talk, you never let me thank you for what you did for me. You brushed it off like it was nothing.

Of all the humans that have ever existed across the millions of years we’ve been around. I had the good grace to not only exist around you, but to befriend you. And I know I have found one of the most kind, caring people I ever will in you. You have been an absolute rock for me over these last few months, and nothing I ever do will be able to repay you for all you’ve done for me. I don’t think I’ve ever told you what you mean to me, I doubt I ever will face to face just because of how closed off I am. But again, let this be evidence I’ve said it somewhere. I love you, Richard, you are easily one of the best things to have ever happened to me. You have quite literally saved my life.

I told you this shit was gonna get bad, but like all bad writings, this needs a conclusion!

Thank you once again, blank internet space, I’ve spent close to two hours writing this, there aren’t any backspaces, or redo’s (aside spelling errors) because I want to make this as true as is possible to how I feel about these people.

I struggle with people at the best of times. I’m a closed off person at best, and emotionally inept at worst. But these are a few of the people who I’ve felt very strongly for, not the only, but the most prominent in some way. But this is me, done for now. Once again with talking about how I feel.

If you’ve read till here.  Please, these are all true, I don’t want to hear opinions on each subject, or any for that matter. Not that I really believe anyone will have read this anyway.