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elliewritessometimes · 3 years

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hello! me n @mattieswheelers wrote another fic!! tiff is the most incredible writing partner and i- i just love them???? thanky so much for writing with me you are a stunning writer aaaa (y'all there will be a second chapter stay tuned fdhhddh aLSO we are posting this on ao3 it will be there at some point)

in other news: this was originally a request!! @notsomightymightytiger it may have taken me uh- a good couple of months but here is your fic!!!

for reference, these numbers apply to these tropes: first kiss/flowers of romance/blind date

LOVE YOU KIERA AND TIFF AAAAA HOPE YOU LIKE

tw: swearing, alcohol and drunkenness but not in an angsty farrah way just in a silly oops first date way, as per usual if there's anything at all you want me to tag let me know :D

---

Eva thought she was doing perfectly fine without a romantic partner. Her life was normal, one filled with work and friends and scrolling through Pinterest.

Apparently, in the eyes of her best friend, this was not a normal life. Farrah had always been a bit extra, that one kid in highschool who always seemed to know where the best parties were, or who was known by name to the baristas at the local Starbucks, and by the ripe old age of 22, she believed that a romantic partner was crucial to living a fulfilling life.

Or, at least, that you should at least try romance once before becoming a hermit in the woods, especially if your name was Eva Sanchez.

(“Look, normally I wouldn’t be like this,” Farrah drawled, leaning against a counter, “But deep inside you are nothing but a useless gay at heart-”

Her phone buzzed.

“-and you haven’t dated anyone, like, ever, and if I have to be the only one constantly dragging you out to social gatherings, I’m going to die early. So do me a solid, will you?”

“Hey-!”)

Eva did not agree.

But, she was a loyal friend, and that was how she found herself sitting in an overly posh restaurant on some random blind date with some random person that she’d never even seen before. It would be an understatement to say she was a little bit nervous, but then again, whenever Farrah was involved, that was normal.

***********: hi sorry i got your number from the blind date place thing but uh are you the person at the table in the corner

***********: ???denim jacket ?? pride pin??

Eva smiled, glancing up at the door. There was another person looking a little lost in the entrance, very obviously trying not to draw attention to themselves, their phone held close to their face as they squinted around at the restaurant. They were pretty, dark hair pulled up into a loose ponytail, obviously not dressed for a restaurant as upper class as this one. Eva liked them immediately. Raising a hand, she waved in their direction, laughing as her date gasped dramatically, hurrying over and nearly overturning a tray of drinks on their way.

“Hello.”

“Look-” Eva’s date slumped in the seat opposite, one hand awkwardly held behind their back. “I dunno about you, but I certainly did not willingly sign up for this. You see, my friend wanted me to apparently live a more interesting life and stop relying on Tumblr as my only source of interaction with anyone, and my friend is very persuasive, so here I am.”

Eva raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, so I wanted to get that out of the way before we even introduce ourselves. I am here out of spite only, so, uh, I hope you’re not too desperate.” They paused, finally taking a breath. “Right. The more I think about this, the more embarrassed I get.”

“It’s okay.” Eva gave a noise which sounded suspiciously like a snort. “Let’s not think about it then. I’m Eva. She/her. It’s nice to meet you, unwilling datemate.”

They grinned. “Kate. She/they.” She gasped a little like she’d forgotten something. “Oh! I brought flowers. Chess said it would be romantic.”

Eva accepted the offered flowers with a blush. This date was going better than expected. Farrah was going to lose her shit when she heard about it. “Wait- You have a friend called Chess?? Like, the game???”

Kate rolled their eyes, casually snatching a bright pink cocktail off a passing waiter’s tray. “Duh. You didn’t really see me walk in this fucking posh ass restaurant in my flannel and converse and think I’d be normal, right?”

Eva laughed then, properly. It had only been a few short, chaotic minutes, but she was already warming to this mystery person and, God, they had good taste in flowers. Even if Eva’s nerd hermit brain did helpfully choose that moment to remind her that this particular bunch of flowers presented a meaning that translated almost exactly to ‘fuck you’. She wondered if Kate was aware of that. However, perhaps that was a fun fact for the second date.

“Hey, Eva?” Kate was slightly tipsy. Only a little bit! Really not that bad. Not at all. Definitely not too drunk for a first date. Shut up. “Hey! You’re- so cool.”

Eva giggled - she was equally as drunk, but not quite so intoxicated as to stop wondering why the restaurant hadn’t thrown them out yet. “Noooooo. ‘m a nerd.”

“Yeah, but a cool nerd.” Kate twirled the decorative candle between her fingers, drawing stares from disapproving patrons. The flame reflected in Eva’s glasses, making her just a little bit more smitten by the second. They enclosed their hand around the candle holder as best they could, standing up just a little shakily. “Eva-” It was like they got a rush from just saying her name. Eva thought it was endearing. “Hey- we- we should go…”

“Why?” She narrowed her eyes, also standing up, her long-discarded denim jacket slung over one arm, the other naturally slipping to link arms with Kate.

“....Arson.” Kate sounded entirely serious, still twizzling the candle in one hand. Eva blinked dumbly at her, mouth slightly open. They pressed a gentle kiss to the side of Eva’s mouth, giggling uncharacteristically at the motion. “I’m jokingggg! Don’t look so shook, my dude.”

Eva stuttered a little, letting Kate pull her finally out of the restaurant, marvelling at the fact she’d only known this incredible, crazy person for a matter of hours. Who knew where tonight would take them?

They found themselves in a park, gazing up at the stars, now dim in the reflections of the city lights. Kate’s phone flashed 11:46 in the dark, the lock screen filled with notifications from a contact who’s name consisted only of a chess piece.

Eva lay down on the grass, spreading her arms out towards the stars. “Do you ever think about life?”

“Sure. All the time. I’m alive, and so are you, and I think you’re really pretty. Does that count?” Kate flopped down beside her.

“I- I mean, yeah- um,” Eva tried not to sound flustered, thankful for the darkness that hid the color rising in her cheeks. “But like, life. Scientifically. Relatively.”

“Uh-huh. Yeah, I totally do. Um. Do I?”

Eva laughed, turning her head slightly to gaze at Kate. Under the light of the stars, they looked… ethereal. And really, really, really beautiful. And-

Eva coughed slightly, turning back towards the night sky. “Just… think about it. I’m lying here beside you, on a giant marble that hurtles through space. Relatively speaking, our orbit and path are unique, and all around us, the other planets are… swirling in harmony, and we’re just. We’re just here to see it.”

Kate hummed. “You sound like those philosophical people, all ‘if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, did it really fall?’ and ‘relatively speaking I am relatively here, and I’m relatively certain… blah blah blah.’”

“Huh. Do I?” Eva shrugged, putting her hands behind her head. “I dunno. I’m drunk. I think. Oh, no, I’m relatively drunk, ha ha- okay no, I’m just drunk.”

“You are,” Kate nodded wisely. “We both are.”

“Do you know what Albert Einstein said once?” Eva asked abruptly, closing her eyes. “He said, ‘When you’re courting a nice girl, an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder, a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.’ And if that isn’t the most relatable thing he’s ever said, then, well- okay yeah I’ve lost my train of thought.”

“Wow,” said Kate. “Did Albert Einstein court lots of nice girls?”

“Pfft.” Eva rolled onto her side, laughing openly in Kate’s face. “Sure. Why not.”

They rolled to face Eva, curling up into a ball, softer than the 22-year-old had seen her all evening. “Not as nice as the one I’m courting right now.”

“Even though neither of us really wanted to be here earlier?”

“Yeah. Y’know, I’m fucking glad our best friends basically set us up. It’s very pog of them.”

“You did not just say ‘pog’. You did not.” Eva groaned into the slightly damp, slightly disgusting grass, listening to Kate cackle next to her.

“Shit, dude, my secret’s out. I’m just as much of a nerd as you.” She leant their head on Eva’s outstretched arm, burrowing into her side.

Eva paused then, draping her other arm around Kate, thinking quietly. It was stupid, really, that they were cuddling in the openness of a park at almost midnight. Dangerous, definitely, especially when you took in the candle still flickering far too close to Kate’s now loose hair. Some more sensible people, maybe Farrah’s sister, would say that it was stupid how close they’d grown in so few hours. But Kate and Eva weren’t sensible people, not really, and maybe this was completely normal for them. Nerds lived life differently. “We’re not like other girls… we’re nerds.”

Kate barked out a laugh again, pressing yet another small kiss to the top of Eva’s head.

Eva thought she might melt into a puddle right then and there.

God, she was so in love.

Kate looked up at the sky. “Y’know, for all your philosophical talk, you should be an inspirational speaker. Be on goddamn TedTalks or something, blow the crowd away with all that ‘the future’s in the palm of my hand!!’ bullshit.”

“Well,” Eva said, trying to sound completely sober (and failing), “I think all I could ever want is in the palm of my hand, right now.”

Kate paused for a moment, registering the fact that Eva had just cupped her hands around their face. “Wow. That was smooth.”

“Right?? I’m honestly impressed and I was the one who said it. Wait, is that hubris? Oh shoot, am I developing an ego? Or maybe I’m just drunk?” Eva’s head was seriously starting to hurt.

“You deserve an ego,” Kate nodded sagely. “You are so amazing. Seriously. You should have an ego. Dab on the haters and all that jazz, right? Right.”

Eva giggled, unable to take her eyes away from Kate’s. “What the shit?”

“Dude! Dab on the haters. ‘m fuckin’ right, and you know I am.”

“Mkay.”

“Lit.” Kate dragged her gaze from Eva’s, instead staring up at the stars. “If we weren’t drunk right now, I’d be kissing the hell out of you.”

Eva pouted. Apparently Drunk-Eva was limited to the facial expressions of a twelve year old. “Who’s to say you can’t kiss me now.”

“We’re drunk, Eva.” They waved their hands, casually flipping off the moon. “Consent.”

“If you think about drunk...ness. Drunkenness? Drunkness. Whatever.” She coughed. “If you think about it like maths, then because we’re both drunk, it cancels out, right? Like, drunk you minus drunk me equals zero drunks overall, yeah?” Pausing, she ran a hand over her face, watching Kate smirk and wriggle closer out of the corner of her eye. “What I’m saying is, yes, I give you permission to kiss me-” Kate leaned closer and Eva laid a gentle finger on their lips. “But only if I get to kiss you back.”

The two met in the middle, naturally coming together. Some might describe them as magnets, two poles attracted, unable to stay away from each other. Others might say soulmates, meant to find each other from birth. Or, just maybe, stars, gravitationally pulled together, ready to explode into another plane of existence, one so different from our reality that we can’t even begin to imagine the wonders that they’ll find.

However, this is reality, and somehow Kate and Eva are still grounded on our Earth, stars maybe, but ones made of ancient stardust no longer free to travel the universe. They found themselves pulling apart after two worlds collided, an unknown period of time passing as it happened. Eva’s fingers didn’t untangle themselves from their comfortable seat amongst Kate’s hair, the closeness making their noses brush, spouting giggles from both young adults.

“Well, that was fun.” Kate brushed hair out of Eva’s face, one arm still wrapped tight around her waist, pulling her closer as she shivered in the night air.

“Yeah?” Eva pressed her forehead to theirs. “Why don’t we try it again, huh?”

---

“I told you so,” Farrah smirked, picking at a freshly baked blueberry muffin. “See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

Eva huffed, failing to come up with an argument.

Over by the kitchen counter, Mattie snorted. “I find it kinda funny that the single girl insists that love is the answer to anything.”

“Well- it’s not like I’ve never dated!”

“Suuuuure,” Mattie rolled her eyes, hopping off the counter and snatching a muffin. “Anyways, at least Eva has a significant other now. That’s the biggest victory, right? Other than the celebratory muffins, of course.”

Eva sighed. “Is it really that big of a deal that Farrah’s plan worked?”

“Yep!” Farrah grinned, taking a bite of muffin.

“Technically, my plan, but okay,” Mattie shrugged.

Eva almost dropped her muffin. “What.”

Mattie grinned, a devilish glint appearing in her eye. “Believe it or not, I am also friends with none other than the amazing Chess, and since her friend Kate- who is also my friend, by the way- was being a mopey mess around the same time as you, I just had to take it upon myself to play matchmaker! So I’d like at least 50% of the credit and reward, please and thank you.”

“I- what-” Eva sputtered, trying to come to terms with the new information. “Mattie- you- oh my God.”

“Oh my God indeed,” Mattie bit into her muffin and swallowed. “So anyways, you’re welcome for getting you a girlfriend.”

Eva stared at the younger girl, mouth slightly open and muffin hanging loosely in her hand. Farrah clapped a hand over her mouth as she wheezed through a mess of sugar and blueberries, earning herself a death stare from Eva. Phone in one hand, Mattie continued eating her muffin as though nothing had happened, the teasing look on her face only exaggerating as her phone pinged with a message. “Oh! Speaking of, Chess is outside-”

She was cut off as the door burst open, the handle crashing into Eva’s bookcase, knocking her alarm clock to the ground and presenting two dishevelled figures in the doorway. One of them, a tall student probably in their last year of uni, puffed out a breath, a hand tightly clinging to a much shorter student squirming angrily. “Before you say anything, I tried to prevent any of this happening. Wheeler, I’m blaming you entirely for this.”

Mattie only laughed, offering Chess a muffin with her free hand, “Dude, it was totally your idea.”

Eva tried very hard not to stare as Kate finally freed herself from Chess’ grasp with an indignant yelp. “Fuck off! Eva, babe, sweetheart, love of my life, tell me you didn’t fucking know about this beforehand or I will break up with you.”

“No! God, no! You know I didn’t want to be there just as much as you did.” She rested her head gently on top of Kate’s, arms draped over their shoulders. “Believe you me, I’ve also been sorely betrayed today.”

Farrah gagged across the kitchen. “Ew. We should never have set you two up.”

“Bitch.” Eva grinned affectionately at her best friend, batting Kate’s hand down as they sent a middle finger in Farrah’s direction. Conversations carried on for a while, Chess finally being introduced to Farrah, with a muffin being forcefully placed into her hand. Kate whispered to Eva for a second before going out to take a call. Eva smiled knowingly, leaning on the counter to address Mattie, “So…”

Mattie made a face as Eva raised an eyebrow in her direction. “What are you thinking, Sanchez, I don’t like that face.”

“I don’t know…” She feigned thinking, sticking her tongue out as Kate re-entered the room. “Maybe, a little thank-you gift?? Y’know, me and Kate were thinking just now… Seeing as you set us up so nicely, how about you try a blind date yourself?”

Chess and Farrah stifled a laugh in unison, choking a little on their muffins as Mattie’s eyes got wider in horror. “You didn’t.”

Kate smiled sweetly. “Yup! Tonight, seven thirty. It’s payback time, kid.”

“I hate you.”

#ITS HERE #AAAAA IM SO HYPED ABOUT THIS #fhsbdhsbdjs #tiff is the most wonderful writing partner i could ever ask for i love them so much heck #aLSO KIERA LOOKY #fhsbdjsn #caps tw #swearing tw #alcohol mention #Proper Tag Time™#we are the tigers #kate dalton #eva sanchez #kateva #chess watt #tiff (co author now we're a business)#kiera (yay for gay)

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antigenius · 4 years

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Howdy lovely! I am 5’6 straight female who loves sleeping. If I didn’t have to get for school I would but I do and I am a pretty diligent student. I’m open minded to anything as long as there is some line of direction. I’m a very corny person with the worst jokes imaginable and I love making people smile. Despite that I always voice my insecurities and place to much pressure on myself and think I’m shitty at everything. I am a very caring person and I give my friends 1/2

Good advice but never to take my own. I go to ridiculous feats to lose weight that aren’t healthy because I don’t think I look the greatest. I can be alone with my thought for to long because I am pessimistic but I lie to myself and say that I’m being honest with how I am. I can’t take a compliment and I just feel worthless at times. But when it boils down to it I love to draw, song and cook (mostly self taught) Lazy days are my favorite and cuddling is nice too. Thanks bb❤️🥰

Agh!! So sorry this is so late! But here we are, finally! I hope you like this!

I think you would be good with…

Mirio!

You seem to me as someone who would cause curiosity in Mirio with your horrible jokes and lovely attitude. You guys would hit it off and honestly have such a good time together.

Mirio would be able to help you with lifting the pressure you put on yourself. Just like you, he has his own insecurities, but he laughs them off. He’ll probably brush this off onto you, but I know there’ll be times where you’ll both just sit down and talk about what’s worrying you. You’ll be just talking about every worry you have while he plays with your hair, his strong arms wrapped around your waist.

Mirio is the best cheerleader! He’d try his best to lift your self-esteem, and he’s so patient, taking each step to confidence with you. Going on dates, lord have mercy. He’d use every cheesy pick-up line to make you laugh and blush. That is, if manages to stop blushing himself at how gorgeous you are. I canon that in front of his lover, he’s the most flustered thing ever, and he’d just drink in your ethereal aura and whisper “You look beautiful, sweetheart.”

Please cook for him. Mans doesn’t care whatever it is or how it tastes, Mirio just adores the thought of his s/o wearing a cute apron and cooking him a pancake. It makes his heart swell with joy.

I also feel like you’d get on well with Nejire and Tamaki! Nejire seems like someone who you’d be pretty friendly with, and I think you could reach Tamaki on a more empathetic level. I also think Nejire would be someone who would help turn your self-doubt into confidence given her love for fashion/beauty, so she’d always reassure you that your figure is PERFECT! She’ll go shopping with you and get you a dress that’ll make Mirio’s jaw drop onto the floor.

I think it’s amazing that you’re open-minded, because I know Mirio would want to take you to a waterfall, up mountains, to a coffee shop, go-karting, anything and everything that sounds romantic or fun, you’ll find yourselves going there on a date.

A date with Mirio

“Wake up, Sunshine!”

It was a gorgeous Sunday morning, perfect for sleeping in and being lazy. You were having a dream about the most delicious food you’ve smelt in your life. It was about to go into your mouth when Mirio decided to wake you up.

Your eyes open lazily, hazed irises glancing over to the clock.

Seven am.

It was too fucking early for this.

You close back your eyes, hoping that if you thought about it hard enough, that you’d be sent back to your wonderful dream. Those glorious fries would still be there and you’d be able to drink that thick milkshake you ordered. There was a shuffle in the bedsheets beside you, you could feel his body hovering above yours.

“Not waking up?”

He trailed his fingers along your back, tracing your spine delicately. The feeling sends shudders up your spine, you writhe at his touch. He laughs.

“Come on, I’ll make breakfast!”

An enticing thought indeed, it almost made you want to get up. Enthusiasm on almost.

“Mirio, it’s only seven.” You yawn, tongue sticking to the roof of your mouth. “Wake me up in like five hours.”

“It’d by time for lunch by then!”

“Yeah, that’s the point.”

He sighs, you could practically see the lopsided smile on his face behind your eyelids.

“So you’re gonna be like that huh?”

You felt his weight lift from the bed, footsteps sounding farther and farther away. You felt a little guilty at not getting up, but your fuzzy mind was desperate to get back into dreamland that you knock out straight-away. The fries you remembered seeing smelled even better than before. The milkshake you dreamed of had hardly any condensation on the glass that contained it. You take a fry, about to taste the aromatic sea-salt that was sprinkled oh so delicately upon the chips. You breathe in deeply, imagining the sea. The waves crash around you, the briny sea air flooding your nostrils. You could even feel the sea spray its water on your fa-

You splutter, waking up from your peaceful slumber to Mirio spraying you with water. When you glare at him, he gives you his heartwarming smile.

“I had no choice! Your waffles would get cold!”

Your ears perk at the mention of food, immediately sitting up. “Waffles? Uh, next time just say so!”

“Well, you were so stubborn I couldn’t really-“

You throw yourself at him, interrupting him mid-sentence. It knocks the air out of his lungs, but he embraces you all the same.

“I love you-”

He was about to reply, but you speak again.

“-for making me waffles.”

You laugh as he huffs playfully, poking your side.

“Jokingggg!~” You kiss his cheek. “I love you even without the waffles.”

Those three words roll off your tongue quite nicely at this point. It would be weird if they didn’t, given that you guys had been together for about four years now. You both graduated from high school recently, if you could call about two years recent. Both of you started college together, renting out an apartment with Nejire and Tamaki. Life was fun, but since your quirk wasn’t exactly needed in the hero field and Mirio was… Mirio, you both had the apartment to yourselves as the other two went on patrols or missions. At first, Mirio kept making you go on hikes or just doing something outside. You obliged, knowing how much he was itching to be somewhere else but lazing about at home, but after a while, even with Mirio’s peppy attitude cheering you on, you got exhausted. You were not one to go for long treks in nature parks or walking up mountains with a heavy ass backpack, you just wanted to stay home and practice some anatomy (you still haven’t got a hang on hands just yet).

You never really complained, but Mirio already knew you were tired. The activities would become fortnightly instead of weekly, then monthly, which you minded a lot less. You didn’t even notice it at first, but it was quite considerate of your boyfriend to put your desires first before his. Thing was though, it always made you feel a little guilty.

Thus, you tried to put your all when the days for those walks came.

You stretch your arms to the ceiling, hearing your back crack at the movement. Splashing a bit of water onto your face to wake up, you make your way to the kitchen, the tantalising smell of hot waffles making your mouth water. A scoop of vanilla ice-cream sat upon the fluffy delight, the cold dessert melting into the little squares. Though you liked nothing more than a good waffle, you push the ice cream off the waffle, eating it with only bits of ice-cream. You didn’t need to put any weight after all.

Mirio observed this, a frown sitting on his lips.

“Hey, we’re going for quite a bit,” he places a hand on the small of your back, a soft kiss planted on your head, “I put that ice-cream so you’d have enough sugar to get you through it.”

You scoff, smirking. “What, you think I’m that weak?”

He arches an eyebrow, amusement glinting in his eyes for a small moment. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

A sigh leaves you. “It’s fine Miri. Just take my ice-cream will you?” You smile. “I don’t want it to go to waste.”

Not one to say no to the sugary treat, he takes a small bit of your scoop.

“There, eat the rest, or I’ll feed you it.”

Your cheeks flush. “Th-that’s-“

A spoonful of vanilla ice-cream gets pushed into your mouth, startling you. The creamy substance dribbles a little down your chin as you reluctantly swallow. Wiping your mouth with a tissue, Mirio grins.

“Want me to continue?”

Even though you could feel your whole face turning crimson red, you couldn’t say you didn’t like being fed. It reminded you of the times when you cooked lunch or dinner, and you asked him to taste test. You’d hold a spoon or fork to his lips, and the joy he got from your cooking made your whole day ten times better. You wondered if that’s what he was feeling right now.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

So for a while, Mirio was spoon-feeding you your breakfast. You took over after a minute or so though, finding the whole thing really embarrassing.

With your stomach full and your sugar buzz coming in, you got up to do the dishes while Mirio checked everything was locked before the both of you left for your walk.

Today, you were going for a stroll through Kyoto’s botanical garden. It was quite a contrast to your normal hikes, but Mirio saw you drawing flowers in your notebook the other day. The goofy dork took that as a sign to take you to a place with an absolute myriad of references blooming everywhere.

You hum quietly as you wash the plates, head bobbing to an imaginary beat. You hear Mirio’s feet pad against the tatami floors, getting closer and closer until your felt his strong arms around your waist, nose tickling the crook of your neck.

“Thanks for being wonderful.” He mumbles, pressing a kiss to your jaw. You laugh.

“I’m not even doing anything. If anything, I should be thanking you.”

He scrunches his eyebrows together. “That isn’t true. You work hard, you come with me on all these walks even though I know you’d rather not, but I selfishly make you go, you make sure I’m laughing when I feel down, there’s so much you do for me sunshine.”

You open your mouth to talk back, but he presses his lips to yours, silencing you.

“You’re wonderful. Absolutely and gorgeously wonderful. If you ever think different, I’ll make sure to tell you whenever I get the chance,” he kisses you again, “and that chance so happens to be right now.”

Your heart thumps against your ribcage. The universe really blessed you with this one. It takes you almost everything to not just sob with gratitude.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, sunshine.”

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theasstour · 4 years

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Had nothing to do and decided to make a photoshoot at home. Ended up dressing like bb!harry (without the pink converse because I only have black, white and yellow)

(Btw I miss painter!harry)

MARIAAAAAAAAA EROGIJEWOIGJRE LOOK AT YOU OMG YOU’RE SO GORGEOUS 🥺🥺🥺🥺💖💖💖💖💖💖 I LOVE THIS LOOK SO MUCH OMG THE WHITE OVERALLS ARE YOU JOKINGGGG 💖💖💖💖💖 You take my breath away, my lovely, omg 🥺🥺🥺

#I MISS HIM TOOOOOOOOOOOO #:((((((((((((((((((#answered #bb asks #iwannaholdyoutight-#submission

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itsallinmeee-blog · 7 years

Text

Real Fake Friends

Letters from your Real Fake Friends There through thick and thin

Hey Ugly,

Brokey. Dummy. Fat Girl. Skinny Minnie. Blackie. Cry Baby. Oh my God, quit acting like I just call you that all the time! You’re so sensitive. You know I’m a bitch. You know I don’t sugar coat shit. You know I have no filter. You know I’m going to hell. You know I keep it real. I keep it one hunnid. You should want someone that’s going to tell you the truth, girl. I’d rather be realer than them. What you want, a yes man? I bet.. Well I’m your real friend.

Bad and Bourgeois

Man, before I got to know you, you seemed so strong and well put together, (well, mentally) Like you always had the answer. Never saw you sweat. Like some fake-happy, fake-positive, fake-confident robot. “All-is-well. Yes-I-can. It-will-work-out.” I mean I literally saw you as quaint, easy to forget, easy to overlook. Boring, plain… you know, basic. I mean, how else would I see you if that’s how you look? But then you always spoke with so much conviction that I just had to get to know you to see what the hell the well-hidden hype was. Turns out, in real life, behind closed doors, you’re just another broke and broken ass mess. Incredible- Oh, and talk about boring. I don’t even know why I bother trying to add fun to your life, I always have to be the one to suggest things for us to do, places for us to go. You’d rather make up every excuse not to go and focus on all your new and recurring problems. Maybe, if you stopped sulking to yourself, found a reliable baby sitter and did something with your hair you wouldn’t be so miserable. Ball out. You know… your version. Joking.

I’ll invite you places even when I know damn well you can’t afford it. Maybe that’ll help remind you of who, what and where you really are in the grand scheme of things. Omg I am jokingggg, we’re friendssss. Sincerely though, I notice you get like mad or offended or something when you accept an invitation and didn’t divulge your current financial crisis or I’m talking about my perfectly fine life. Like I just forced you to go, or I told you to work there, or I picked your baby daddy. And my life is fantastic, like every day, sorry that offends you. So much for all that motivational speaker bullshit.

Good Heart, Bad Start.

“You wearing that?” Of course I know you’re wearing ‘that’; we’re getting dressed to go to a party. Clearly I’m the friend with the balls, or everyone already knows I’m the friend with the balls for this type of shit, or hell maybe I’m your real friend like I always say. Either way, no ma’am. Not tonight and not in that. Whole clique lookin right, smelling good, dressed to suit their bodies and I need you to follow suit, Ms. “Super Thick”. These heifers in here would rather give you a cookie because you keep saying how much weight you lost. I know the last thing you need is another cookie. Talkin’ bout a “fifteen pounds down.” Bitch, where? Maybe 5. Anyway, who even pushed you to lose weight in the first place? Who would stop you from ordering burgers and make you get salads? Matter-fact, for your most recent birthday, what did I get you? Exercise clothes and three months paid membership. Three, paid. Who pushes you more than me? When I was a fat child my mother had me running the treadmill in trash bags. Maybe you’re just not used to people caring. Or maybe you’re just desperate to keep your new guy around and that’s why the loss of a raggedy little 15 pounds was cause to go get naked. Really ever since you and him started this… whatever you want to call it, you’ve been feeling yourself. I’ve caught your little backhanded comments… When we link up, you’re conveniently and consistently on the way somewhere else… turned me into a pit stop, huh? You don’t call me to shop with you anymore… Clearly. Dressed like you finna drop it by the pole on Healthy Hoe night. Boy, I hate to see how wild you get if you ever do get fine. Even now, I ask “You wearing that?” and you pop back with a “What you think?” Not even looking at me, flipping your weave in the mirror. I don’t like this new you one bit…

My girl Black. Been knowing her for years and she been blacker than midnight ever since. Thick legs, momma didn’t let her get perms but she hides it in the best weaves, pretty teeth, clear skin. It’s just that it’s all like damn near the blue kinda black. Been midnight since she popped out the puss. I tell her “You really pretty as hell, just nobody can see.” Lord, but now, on the internet they love her. You know black is beautiful and the new exotic on there. It’s all just kind of weird to me because I know Black. She log in talkin bout “I got magic in my bones and moons in my eyes” or whatever. Man in real life, niggas wasn’t checkin for no Black. Well I mean, like I said she thicker than cold grits so she’d get checked on… periodically. We go off to school and she done pulled her a African, a hotep, a nigga from the band and the white boy on the baseball team. Then act like she too good to throw that black ass. Probably because back in the hood, all you hear is “Ayeeeee RED!” “Come here RED!” Red. Red. Red. And you know they used to crack on her. Even her niggas.

But yeah, the internet and the black power niggas at this school got me walking around here with the new and improved Black, girl. She stopped wearing weaves but didn’t straighten her hair… like on some afro Chaka Zulu bull. I told her she needed to brush that shit. Did you know they made make up for people that black? She got that magic gold dust from her bones and beat her face. That’s it, though. You know black people have pretty skin most times. Catch her in the right light, that thang it crazy. I can’t lie, now that she’s come into her own… Or since her new little friends turned her into their #BlackGirlMagic project, she be walkin round lookin unreal. Like every day she gotta make a statement. I don’t tell her, they do it enough. Trust me. If I bring up this ugly girl I don’t like either… I’m trippin, I mean this ugly girl I don’t like, but I call her black after I call her ugly, Black rolls her eyes… Say something slick later, that’s how I know. I thought black was beautiful.

3 Part Harmony

I really hate sensitive people, my mouth is too slick. I’m too honest. They get mad over the stupidest stuff. So what, you’re not talking to me again? I guess I’ll cry now. I won’t lie the first time you really hurt my feelings. You called yourself “rejecting” me. Neither one of us appreciate that ever and you know it, but you just do it to me over and over. Then just respond to me out the blue a month later acting like you just had some “personal stuff” you went through. And you needed some isolation from everybody, and “everybody” somehow just looks like “me”. I don’t know why you even get mad when we get into it like I’m lying or something. Hell, if you broke you broke. You used to always complain… That’s how my mama helped me, by helping me. So, are you not blacker than paved roads? I don’t know, maybe if you really were as unbothered as you pretend to be, the truth wouldn’t bother you. Whatever. Talk to you when you get out your feelings

-Real Fake Friend

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