#like- i feel like theyll turn it into ''oh ur too heavy we all eat too much/not right

[marv3l-drag0ns]

dysphoria moment™️

just. URHGHH. i need to kill. i need to chop of my tits and stick em in a garbage fire and deepen my voice and cut my hair and just. stop.

im TIRED man. i know that pronoun pins are small and hard to read sometimes, and not everyone knows how to use a gender neutral "sir/maam". or even that i LIKE sir or mr instead of mx (mx feels weird to say i dont like it). but god i wish people could try.

I know my voice isnt from my chest and doesnt sound masculine. i want to work on it but i cant hear myself speak. ((and dad kind of mocked it once without meaning to and it wasn't actual mocking probably and i know i said nothing but it felt like it and it killed my confidence)). And i know that i dont have a masculine face and that all the tips to look more masculine are "be angry/grumpy" but i have to be smiley because covid mask and customer service and i cant look mean or else something Bad will happen.

and i know that im probably to rough or heavy handed sometimes in teasing or funny friend jokes but im trying to show im friendly. trying to not have to wear a mask and be awkward.

and i know i have boobs and i hate them and i dont want them and i cant do anything until june 29 i just have to make it till then. because then i can go to the doctor and have the doctor "reassure" parents that binders are safe if done responsibly and wont permanently fuck me up.

and im so scared for when (if) i actually get a binder that ill love it and never take it off and hurt myself and go through another gender crisis and i dont know if i can make it. i don't. i want to believe ill make it but it feel so hard sometimes yknow? that ill end up sad and trapped and just. hurt.

but back to the original point: i know that i dont look or act or sound masculine. and i know that my paperwork reads my deadname and that there will alwyas be some people who know me by [H****]. and that its inevitable that some customer will walk in and think theyre being nice by saying "thanks honey" or "how are you doin sweety" but it feels weird and wrong and im angry that I cant be perceived how i want to be perceived. that coworkers and teachers and other adults will mess up and say "[H****]" or "she" or any other number of thigns that feel like knives.

but i have to keep going right? I have to keep going and stay fueled by the people who say Cadmus. by all my friends and all the happy times and just how far ive come and all of my close friends and family. and even if it feels like im waiting for the shoe to constantly drop with my parents or with my boss or just. all the time. that it'll get better.

right?