#like. got weirdly angry at me for having a decent relationship with my immediate family

[tricoufamily]

update tinder guy superliked me, asked me on a date, spent the entire thing belittling and making fun of me and seeming vaguely angry at me. then asked me for a second date

[stopbeingrude]

Hi guys , how are you doing ? I hope you had at least a decent day. I was really surprised by how many people were interested in my story. (blush) Im so glad As promised, here's chapter 2 ,, I like the rain, it always seemed like the only thing that was like me…" Chapter 2. ,,Thank you for being here" Juvia looked at the object in her hands that she found while packing for their trip to Tempeville. A tiny umbrella , white with smiling suns printed on it .She remembered vividly the exact moment Jerry had handed it to her. - "Here, this is for you, I couldn't bear to hear you whining anymore,"- said the golden-haired man, handing the little girl his gift. -'' I've told you many times, that in time you would be able to control the rain around you. It's normal for water to behave strangely around water mages, and I had a problem with it too….- said Jerry. The man thought for a moment, then added. -..I'm pretty sure I told you how I nearly drowned my ex girlfriend….I told you, right?.. "- little girl nodded-"...Of course I did…haha..If only you could see that bitc...yh...lady's face….Where was I at again?............Oh right!... If only you were just a bit more patient, little froggy.." -"I told you not to call me that, you dummy! "- shouted the seemingly angry Juvia. It was obvious that she wasn't angry, but if those were supposed to be birthday wishes , then that this old slacker could have tried a little harder. -''Oi! Brat....I'm trying my best to wish you a happy birthday and you act like this? -" What kind of birthday wishes are these supposed to be!?- the girl exclaimed. -..Unbelievable! Young people these days are so ungrateful….Ugh .."- he complained, but eventually gave up. -" Heh... Alright….Im sorry... Happy Birthday Juju…- he said with a grin. He couldn't stay angry with his baby for too long. - "...I wish you happiness, health,...I hope you'll grow up to be a decent and intelligent woman ... because remember this..., it's not how you look that counts, it's what's in your head…. - the man poked her forehead lightly, causing the girl to giggle. Despite the tough character of her ..guardian ...? I guess you could call him that… despite his difficult sense of humour and his biting remarks, she knew that she was important to him, just as he was important to her. He just had a strange way of showing affection... Juvia laughed lightly despite a few tears that flowed from her sapphire eyes. It was for moments like this , she's been able to endure the bullying of other children , she knew that every sad experience ended with a visit from Jerry. Every visit ended with one of his strange ideas that always put a smile back on her face, like that one time he took her out for hot dogs at 10pm. Juvia was never able to forget the look on the orphanage ladies' faces when Jerry walked her back at 1 am. Lost in her thoughts, she didn't notice when her fiancé appeared in their bedroom. -" I've never seen this one…"- he pointed at the umbrella- ''.. I'm guessing it's a special one then" -he stated, handing her tea. - "Thank you... "- she took a sip-"...Yes you're right... actually it was a present for my birthday. HE gave it to me…" After packing the last things, they both sat down on the bed. Neither of them was quite sure how to start a conversation. Gray didn't like the strange atmosphere that had prevailed in their apartment since yesterday. But most of all he did not like how distant Juvia seemed to be. That wasn't his Juvia. Devil Slayer rested his head on her shoulder. When Blue-haired woman began to gently stroke his hair, he immediately relaxed . He missed that... After what for him felt like ages , she decided to speak. -"Juvia is sorry that she didn't tell you anything...Juv….. I was just trying to forget about it... it's not like I don't trust you....Please don't be angry…"-she said in an uncertain voice. -"I'm not angry at you….I'm just a little disappointed...I thought you felt comfortable enough with me to tell me everything…"- he admitted. It was silly to admit , but he didn't

like the fact that Juvia wouldn't tell him something. He knew that everyone had the right to have their own secrets, but his desire to find out what was in her head was much stronger. After a while he decided to ask her more - "Is there anything else you haven't told me about yourself?" He needed to know. -" No. Everything else is true…About my childhood, about Phantom Lord...and mostly about my parents..." …………………………. -".........What happened to your parents...?"- he asked quietly. He contemplated for a moment whether he should ask her this question. After all, he didn't know what kind of reaction this would cause.. -" My mother died when I was about 2 years old.... I don't know who my father was... Jerry said he never met him…about my mother.."- Juvia looked as if she was thinking very hard about something, and after a moment she added-"..Jerry once told me that even she couldn't remember who he exactly was….not that she cared about it or about being pregnant …"- said Juvia weirdly. Wait , what? -"..L-let me get this straight…...you're trying to tell me….that she didn't really care that she got pregnant...and that she wasn't even trying to look for your father? ' Wait, what !?' -….ymm... that's....." - the man persistently tried to choose the right words. He did not want to offend his fiancée's mother by any means (If not for her , Juvia wouldn't be there in the first place, so she obviously deserved to be at least respected)....But everything Juvia had mentioned sounded...How to put it?...Concerning? -" It's not normal... I know... you don't have to hold back Darling- she said with a slight smile- "Her name was Eliana and apparently she was always like...that..., she was...well DIFFERENT.."- that's how Jerry would always describe her-"....She didn't really care about anything, she didn't talk too much, she rarely showed any kind of emotion....She was one big secret, even for him. Juvia never fully got it. Why would she be like that with the person she supposedly was…… ..ymm…..Close.?"- he didn't miss the way she said the last word, but he kept quiet about it. After all ,the relationship between two strangers wasn't his business. Gray decided to change the subject a bit. -"You know..., I think it's really great of him to take care of both of you.…"-despite the fact that the night before Gray had felt a lot of anger towards the aforementioned man, right now he was grateful that he had taken both ladies under his care.- "He must have been an amazing person. It really sounds like you are telling me about some hero or saint"- ice mage smiled - "He was "- said blunette with a smile - "I will always be grateful to him...But Saint ? No, no ,no...That's probably too much of an exaggeration." - she added with a giggle. Gray was glad that she was laughing again, he couldn't help but laugh a little too. They are slowly returning to normalcy... - "He was the laziest, most stubborn man you could find on this planet….He was untactful , brutally honest and worst of all, sometimes he could be so awfully mean and grumpy , especially when it was Tuesday...Juvia never got that...why Tuesday?….Dear God , he could be so unbearable...."- Juvia stopped for a moment, then smiled playfully.- "Honestly you two are pretty similar in that case" - "Ekhem....So.. you're suggesting that I'm mean and grumpy ? Oh ..Alright... I'll remember that when you want something from me..."- Gray said, pretending to be offended and trying hard not to smile. Juvia laughed loudly, then wrapped her arms around his neck and placed a sweet kiss on his lips. After Jerry disappeared, she was sure she would never get attached to anyone again. She didn't want to suffer more. But as we all know, life likes to surprise us, and "never" is not eternal. First she met Gajeel , with whom, by some strange coincidence, she found a connection. Funny, considering how different they were. Even then a quiet voice in her head, similar to Jerry's, whispered to her to not get too attached….that it didn't make sense. On that day, for the first time in her

life, she decided to ignore it, and thanks to that, she gained a wonderful friend. The same situation happened again after she met Gray and Fairy tail. The insistent voice kept reminding her of the past. 'Just because you've miraculously found a friend who hasn't left you, doesn't mean that it will happen again...' 'So what if he stopped your rain, one day you'd be able to deal with it by yourself…..Besides, don't you remember what happened the last time you felt something for a guy? It's just stupid, meaningless crush, just get over it....' But as time passed and she became more and more attached to the guild mates, more and more in love with Gray..... The voice in her head gradually faded and after a while the only sound she heard was the laughter of her loved ones. Despite the suffering of the past, Juvia no longer regretted anything. She would go through it even 100 more times, just to be happy with her new family. -"Oi ! - she felt Gray lightly tap her nose- Juvs don't fall asleep, we have a train in about two hours….. Remember? "- he asked amused - "You're right! Juvia's sorry, she got lost in her thoughts…" ****************************************** - "Are you going on a mission ?" asked Mira Jane cheerfully, as the couple informed her of their departure. Gray didn't necessarily want to share with her the reason for their trip. After all, it was a rather sensitive topic. - "Yyyy it's more like..... a..vacation...?...Right Juvia?"- he turned to his fiancée - "Oh!....Yes, yes..."- nodded the woman. The barmaid looked at them with a huge smile. She still couldn't quite believe that these two were finally together.… - "In that case I wish you a wonderful time, lovebirds" - she giggled as she saw them both turning red. - "Ooh vacation? That's awesome, wish you a great time guys." -they heard Lucy's voice behind them. - "They are such a beautiful couple."- added Erza proudly-" I can't believe that our Gray has grown so much..I hope you'll have an amazing vacation." - '"I also wish you an amazing time'' -said Wendy happily. -Ohhh..young love…- sang Happy, flying over their heads. - " And where are you two going anyway?"- asked Natsu curiously while finishing his lunch. - "We decided to visit my hometown,"- said Juvia. Her friends didn't need to know more... - "Oh cool..Where is it?" -continued Natsu. He never really thought much about where his guild-mate came from.. -" I don't think that's your business Flame-brain. Besides you probably wouldn't know where it is anyway." -said Gray, slightly annoyed. He was slowly starting to get on his nerves. Why does Natsu always have to meddle in things that are not his own? - "I asked Juvia ,not you Icy-pants" said Natsu teasingly. Jeez what's wrong with Droopy eyes today , he just asked a simple question. - "Calm down both of you "- said Lucy. She didn't like where this conversation was going. -'' Lucy is right, there is no point in arguing....Natsu if you really want to know, Juvia was born in the town of Tempeville, in the south - said Juvia, trying to calm down quickly. - "Oh, I've never heard of that place," Natsu said, surprised. Looks like there's a lot of towns he didn't know about. - "See, I told you so,"- said Gray. "Now if you'll excuse us, we have a train to catch. So let's get going… - "Hey Lucy, Happy, let's go with them...I'd like to see what that place is like "- said Natsu suddenly, dragging the blonde with him. His girlfriend looked at him in horror. 'Natsu, what are you thinking? Are you trying to ruin their trip?' - "The hell?! "- shouted Gray. And then he thought that everything was going well…'Please no….' - "Natsu, that's their private vacation! "- exclaimed Lucy, knowing very well that they should leave the couple alone- "Besides, they said they have a train coming soon!" -"Then let's go , we have to get ready quickly…...!" "LEAVE US ALONE !!' - desperate Gray shouted as loud as he could, unintentionally focusing the attention of practically the entire guild. They all looked at him, disapproval clearly written on

their faces. - "Gee..Buddy..you don't have to be so rude," - said Max. - "My God… what's with you?- whispered Lisanna - "Exactly Gray, what kind of behavior is that? "- Erza asked in a stern tone- "If you don't want Natsu to come with you, just tell him politely. The Devil Slayer wanted to disappear... It wasn't supposed to be like this. He turned his gaze towards his fiancée, silently asking for any kind of rescue. However, he was met with the same horrified gaze. After a moment, the girl bowed her head slightly and said to the rest of the guild. -"Everyone , please forgive us, especially Gray. I don't know what's going on with him lately...." - ' Huh ?'- Gray must have heard that wrong….There is no way... -"....He's been very tired and stressed lately, probably because of work, that's why we decided to go on vacation…..Juvia didn't know what to do...." said Juvia, brilliantly pretending to be distraught. 'Stop making me out to be some kind of aggressive freak,' Gray shouted in his mind 'Juvia is sorry but this is kinda your fault'- thought blunette , while taking a look at her lover. - "Relax Juvia, you don't have to apologize to us... To be honest Natsu tried to force his way into your trip" - said Lucy, looking at her partner with an annoyance. - Sorry Juvia….-said the pink haired boy meekly-"...but the ice princess can kiss my ass. I won't apologize to him.." -he added quietly. - "It honestly sounds like an excuse to leave you alone so you can shag in peace" -said Cana under her breath. She wanted to add something else but then she felt a murderous gaze of the black-haired man and decided to shut up. -"True!"- added Gajeel, receiving a look full of indignation from his best friend. -"That's so MANLY" - "How could you blame them though….." -laughed Macao. -"GOODBYE !" - shouted Fullbuster blushing furiously ,as he headed straight to the door, dragging his equally embarrassed lover with him. As they walked towards the train station, dragging their suitcases behind them, blunette suddenly asked… - "Did you really do this...to be all alone with me....?" asked Juvia innocently. Oh how she loved teasing him like that... -"JUVIA ?! "- At this point Gray was close to having a heart attack. A very amused girl could not stop laughing for a while , until they got on the train and they sat down in one of the wagons. Their journey has just begun. ****************************************** Very random/ unnecessary bonus . Remember this, Lovelies! Never doodle under the influence of alcohol, you will get wierd ideas lol. ,, Do you see this sh*t Juvia? People are fighting over fictional characters… Humanity really is getting dumber and dumber...."

[trulycertain]

Just wanted to weigh in (belatedly) on your DA2 pt and say I started in the same boat. Played immediately after DA:O (like, 3 days?) and felt like it was trying too hard to be what O had achieved. Not as funny or compelling. But, like everyone else has said- it really is more relationship driven, and if you try to appreciate it as Origins, it really does feel lacking, doesn’t it? Love everything you’re sharing to this point on character analysis and broader POV on familial expectation 1/?

Oh, and also, my first pt I completely skipped Fenris, too. I was aiming to get enough gold to go on the expedition and by the time his quest came around I was like, “Nah, I’m good. I don’t need to go do this umpteenth side job.” See ya! And thus had a gap in my loading party screen the whole game XDDDD. Feel free to take a phone pic of your Hawke and share it with us if you’d like :D Also you should definitely consider doing some DA2 art :D

Thank you! I’m so glad you’re liking the rambling. It’s been an interesting experiment.

Oh, you too had the Mysterious Gap? *laugh* I did a lot of squinting and head-tilting my first playthrough, wondering if it was just my imagination or weird design.

I would definitely say that trying to make it fit my image of Origins meant it was doomed for me. It has its own charms, narrative and mechanics-wise. I will always be fond of it for introducing melee-mages as a thing.

One of the things I really enjoy in DA2 that isn’t explored nearly as much in Origins or Inquisition is how the companions in DA2 have been through A Lot, and the narrative is often quite unflinching about that. Trauma isn’t just portrayed as an angsty backstory you can infodump about and then go back to laughing with friends. Sure, they go for drinks and they make roots and they’re all badasses and a lot of them have a great sense of humour, but... they’re all bitter, and most importantly, they’re all allowed to be, which is not something I see in this genre much. (I need to make a separate post about that sometime.) They’re... difficult, at times, and obviously in pain, and not condemned for that.

I’d also forgotten how much I loved Anders - I really do, and this is going to hurt, and I’m still angry about how fandom treated Jennifer Hepler. I like healers and hurting, sarcastic characters (who knew?). And blonds. *cough* Do I think some of the mental illness metaphor is a tad heavyhanded and tasteless? Oh, fuck yes, that’s never been something I was comfortable with. Do I like him as a character? Yes.

Oh, also Fenris is not the way I thought he’d be at all, and he’s a lot more fun than I expected. I didn’t expect to like him, but I wanted to keep an open mind, and I’m warming fast. (And Emery’s voicing decisions with him are not what I expected, either. I really like that the guy who’s usually hired as muscle and spent years as a bodyguard has fancy enunciation, clearly got sick of hiding his intelligence when he was captive and refuses to do it anymore, and chooses his words so carefully. And then comes out with some of the most ridiculous jokes, even moreso than Anders - still utterly deadpan. “Smell the oppression,” dear god, man. Also that his voice is about six foot four and he’s about five-ten.) 

Also, finally getting to high approval with Isabela and Fenris and taking them around has been delightful. I absolutely understand why some people find their banters uncomfortable, and I might yet run into something that changes my mind - Isabela is unrepentantly pervy about some of the most inappropriate things - but it’s shown that she’ll back off if she’s asked to - see Varric’s objectification banter - and he seems to find her lack of pity refreshing and enjoyable. I love how she can almost always make him laugh, and how much they genuinely seem to enjoy each other’s company. Neither of them wants to be pitied for the pain in their pasts, and they both value freedom in very different ways. She’s also one of the few companions who he actually reaches out to, when he gets prickly. When they’re talking about the issue of mage freedom, she says, quite earnestly, “Let’s not fight,” and it’s him who makes a tentative quip about her guessing the colour of his underwear again and lets her change the subject. It’s an unusual, weirdly sweet moment. Despite making some decisions that may be selfish, Isabela is one of the most matter-of-factly kind, conciliatory companions in DA2, and that is an unexpected delight. And he’s one of the few companions who pays that back in spades (other than Varric and sometimes Anders).

On the other hand, I don’t miss the grimdarkness. You’re right, DA2 is less funny than DAO - and that’s because it’s less often allowed to be. They definitely had a tone they were going for, and sometimes that falls into Narm Charm with just how grim it is. Sometimes it feels like companions’ anger with each other is a tad arbitrary and inserted for the sake of Conflict(TM). And also, while I know for a fact he can do serious, stoic writing very well, there’s something tragic about having David Gaider in your team and not letting him go full-snark with his characters, even if he was head writer and I’m sure that was his tonal choice. I miss the “snarky and sometimes prickly but so often compassionate and rarely intentionally cruel unless you poke ’em” feel he brings that’s one of my favourite things about Dragon Age (Zevran, Alistair, Cassandra, Dorian). Sheryl Chee is pretty great at that, too. Inquisition, I felt, got the balance about perfect, and was noticeably lighter and sweeter than Origins or, especially, 2. 

And I would rather not have more quests with murdered women as a background narrative event. (At least in The Witcher, which is not immune to this, it became a full-on investigation and examination of the tropes rather than just a mood-setter that would be something to beat the protag round the head with later.) 

It was a great delight to me when I was wandering round the Deep Roads, ominous music and all, and got the Varric and Fenris, “What do you do in that big mansion all day?” / “I dance” banter. Because God, I needed that. (One of my favourite moments in Origins was exploring the seemingly endless, dark Deep Roads, and getting into a chat with Leliana about silk shoes by accident. That was when it truly felt like she and my Warden were friends.) I feel like Inquisition has a better balance that way; it has so many wonderful, absolutely brutal moments (I still find the “sometimes love isn’t enough” banter bloody hard to listen to), and so many wonderful palate-cleansers (arse-arrows).

This is actually one of the few games my mid-good PC can run! Pre-2013 there’s a half-decent chance. I doubt I could run Inquisition well. So here’s some Guin:

Kirkwall: A Summary.

And yes, I may... already be doodling. *cough*

[eponymous-rose]

This isn’t a post I really wanted to make, and I feel kind of shitty making it because parts of it aren’t my story to tell, but not talking about it isn’t working, so hey. Weirdly comforting internet void, please don’t reblog this. 

There’s discussion of mental illness below, but not (directly) firsthand. This is mainly discussion of the impact mental illness is having on my family. Please avoid this post if this is a topic that is likely to cause you pain or discomfort. I think I just need to have it out there.

About a year ago, my brother was diagnosed with Bipolar I. His seeking out a diagnosis was the direct result of the way his mental health was horrifically mismanaged when he lived in the US in his late teens: he was misdiagnosed as schizophrenic and, a few months later, a pharmacy error cut him off anti-psychotics cold turkey. It was absolutely horrible, and he wound up leaving school and moving back in with my parents for a time just to recover. That diagnosis was still on file for him almost a decade later, but recently his job finally had decent enough benefits that he could afford to go in for a barrage of psychiatric testing to rule things out. Bipolar I wound up being the diagnosis that fit.

And I think, for him, there was a sense of relief that came from that initial diagnosis, because a lot of things started to fit. Our immediate family is very close and very loving, but also almost comically controlled and disciplined and logical and isolated. As a kid, he would frequently spiral over something small (I clearly remember being baffled by the fact that my teenage brother would still have full-on tantrums), and my parents and I would just be staring wide-eyed in silence because strong emotion??? what do????? He was comforted and loved, and outright tells us all the time that he loves us and feels really lucky to have had such a supportive family, but I can’t help feeling like we were just... overwhelmed by inertia and kept thinking “this is probably healthier and more normal than the way we repress our emotions”.

I suspected depression was always there, and I’d reached out to him a little about that based on my own experiences, but mania hadn’t even occurred to me, even when he was sending us e-mails at 5 AM about the new opera he stayed up all night writing. It’s incredible what starts to feel like normal when you’re in denial like that.

Regardless, that’s where we were last year: he called us up when I was visiting my parents and we chatted for about an hour about what we all knew about this illness and how he’d be going forward. We all assured him that we loved him a lot and were here for him in whatever way he needed us.

And then, in typical us fashion, we repressed it. My dad yelled at a server out of nowhere for bringing the wrong drink that afternoon; this is the most empathetic man I know, who’s raised his voice maybe three times in my life that I can remember (he called the server over afterwards to apologize and tipped hugely for having to put up with him). My mom’s anxiety spiked. I stopped sleeping well. It took us a few months to realize we were all struggling because we were so worried.

My brother tried a few different meds, none of which had a really strong impact. We all got together for the holidays, and when he arrived, he was furious in a way that felt familiar, like back in high school when he’d be so angry it was like he wasn’t fully in control of his body, wasn’t hearing the things he was saying. It was weirdly a bit of a relief, because I realized then how much he must have been putting on an act before: after high school, he’d always been extremely quiet and positive every single time I talked to him (always for short visits with big chunks in between). He was finally comfortable not being perfect around us. 

The precipitating factor for this particular blow-up was one of his coworkers e-mailing him and asking for one more article even though he was on holidays: dick move, sure, but in no way deserving of flinging his luggage around and teary-voiced ranting at the restaurant we took him to for dinner. We made sure he knew he was being heard and understood, and we sympathized with him, and we set up an hour that evening so he could just sit quietly in his room and work out how he was going to reply to the e-mail. And then things were fine again. He told us stories about how great that same coworker was the next day.

My parents stayed at an airbnb, mainly because my place is a little small for four, and he and I stayed here and just had a wonderful time. I realized how much I’d built things up in my head in a worrying way: this was still my brother, who I love very much, who’s sensitive and feels things deeply and sometimes gets upset, but I knew how to talk to him and I hope I could help him feel better; he certainly helped me feel better. We watched old cartoons and played NBA on the Switch and got milkshakes and ordered in pad thai and had a fantastic time just chilling and talking about whatever crossed our minds. I never once felt nervous or weird around him in the three weeks we were here, and I very clearly remember thinking, “Hey, future self, remember how natural this felt next time you’re catastrophizing: this is one of the few people in the world you’d happily have as a roommate.” We get along so, so well, and some of the new initial tension between him and my parents (that awkward combination of “well-meaning” and “absolutely out of their depths” made for a couple of baffled moments before they hit their stride) just never bled through to our friendship.

It came out during that trip that he’d accrued some pretty hefty credit card debt (overspending being an extremely common thing when you’re in a manic phase... and also in your twenties living alone in a big city when a big chunk of your job involves socializing every night); my parents very calmly and supportively told him they’d help him pay it off on the condition that he cut up those cards and take a serious look at the gaps in his budget. He was more embarrassed than anything, but my mom’s no-nonsense, logical attitude broke through and soon they were happily sitting down and setting up a budget.

He went back home, and things started getting worse. His landlord was an asshole who wouldn’t let him and his roommate control the heating and insisted on controlling it from off-site, so he’d come home to a sweltering apartment every night and couldn’t sleep. He took a sleeping pill to help him get some rest, and that triggered a major depressive episode. Through a series of accidental events (mainly getting stuck on hold with a crisis line for 45 minutes and calling 911 out of desperation), he wound up getting picked up by the cops one night and brought to a mental hospital, which he said wasn’t his intention, but he was glad it happened in the long run (the hospital, not the cops, obvs).

He was only there for one night, after which point they set him up with a social worker and amazing outpatient care, including psychiatrist visits every week and a new set of mood stabilizing meds, and I cannot stress enough that this would have been a much shorter story if he’d lived in the US. With my parents’ help, he wrote a letter to his landlord threatening to go to the city if he didn’t fix the heating situation, and his landlord caved (thank goodness, because there’s no way he’d be able to pay rent anywhere else in that city). Things stabilized, a little.

Now, though, it looks like he may lose his job. He disclosed his illness right after the diagnosis, and after some initial missteps, they started putting in effort to work with him on it---in my brother’s e-mails to us, the HR person went from an obnoxious jerk to a determined ally, if only to avoid liability issues. But on his new meds, while he feels great in the mornings, he’s exhausted by the afternoon, and he often has minor depressive episodes in the evenings, so clearly the dose isn’t right yet. He’s up to missing a couple days of work a week, and they’re clearly trying to lean on him to switch to contract work so they can let him go without running afoul of legal protections. It doesn’t help that what started as a wide-open, exciting startup (he still says the first eight months were his dream job) has turned into an ad revenue-grabbing mechanism where all his colleagues are white homophobic tech bros who ignore him at best and resent his “special treatment” at worst.

A lot of his friends happened to move away around the time of his diagnosis as well, and now a lot of his remaining friends are distancing themselves. A common factor in his last few jobs toward the end was people telling him, “You just looked miserable all the time,” and it sounds like it’s starting to impact his personal relationships. His time online is spent in the deepest of “cancel culture” discussion, where being mostly good but fucking up once is almost more reprehensible than being wholly awful (he quit Facebook for a while, but wound up reopening his account to let people know about his hospitalization... and now he’s just back there again). He and his boyfriend broke up. His friend who initially suggested he apply for this job now ignores him at work.

It’s that awful combo of “people are being assholes about my illness” and “my illness makes it hard to believe that someone who initially reacts poorly will ever come around, so I’d better shove them away first”.

My parents are understandably so worried for him. They’re going out to visit him for three weeks starting tomorrow, staying at an airbnb nearby and occupying themselves with their own retirement pursuits so he can come visit if he likes, or ignore them if he needs space. They’ve told him that, if he’d like, he’s welcome to come stay with them for a few months (they live on the other side of the country); they’ll cover his half of the rent while he’s gone, and he’ll have a bit of an opportunity to just heal, considering he went straight back to work the day after his hospitalization. They’ll also help him strategize about whether he wants to switch to part-time on his current job and see about picking something else up. I suggested they bring up the possibility of going back for a master’s---I know it’s an absolute minefield for mental health, but in his particular case, a flexible schedule plus project-based creative work with specific deadlines has always been a pretty good fit, and he excels academically.

They’re also preparing for the possibility of moving him out to stay with them on a more permanent basis, but they obviously don’t want to disrupt his care (his current appointments are at the best mental health facilities in the country). They can’t afford to live in his city on their pension, but they’re also talking about giving up their retirement condo and buying out his roommate’s half of the rent, and just being there to help him out when he needs it. I don’t think he’d go for that unless things really deteriorated quickly, but a few months away from the city definitely sounds like what he needs.

And I’m just... so angry. I’m pissed off that so much of the stress weighing on him (and so many others!) right now comes from him being nearly 30, in debt, without a hint of a way to start saving for retirement, with these little one- or two-year gig jobs with two-hour commutes full of toxic people stretching out into eternity. I’m pissed off that this awful disease has made it so my parents probably aren’t in a place where they’re going to be able to do their big retirement trip, and they may be giving up their idyllic retired life for good. I’m angry with myself for that little burrowing resentment that, because my parents are older, I could wind up a financial, medical, and emotional caretaker for them and/or my brother at a moment’s notice, and I don’t feel ready to take all of that on. I’ll never feel ready.

(As a bonus, bipolar I has a genetic component, and now I’m thinking back to that one time I stayed up all night determined to save the world by learning all of biology in eight hours, or the time when as a grown-ass adult I started crying like a ten-year-old because I felt left out from an activity friends were doing, and I’m thinking, is this it? And then it’s not those extremes, it’s every normal human emotion that was previously muted by my own situational depression years ago. Is this it?)

I feel so, so entitled to the life we should have had as a family, and so frustrated at all these external factors that’ve brought it crashing down. More than anything, I’m scared for my little brother. I know bipolar isn’t something that magically disappears, and that things are likely to get worse, but I want those external stressors to go away and just leave him alone for half a minute so he can heal and find the right combination of meds and maybe, maybe get to think about thriving rather than just surviving. I’m so grateful to my parents for finding the right things to do and say to help him recover. And I know that, if something goes horribly wrong, I can try to fill those shoes.

I’m still losing sleep, but only every now and then. People at work occasionally comment that I don’t look so good, but that’s much rarer than a couple months ago, and the people I’ve confided in are very kind and check in on me even when things seem to be going well.

After the move this fall, I’m going to find someone to talk to professionally about this. In the meantime, just typing this all out makes me feel a bit better. I am finding better ways to cope; I had to mute him on social media because my overwhelming tendency to overthink his posts was very dangerous (turns out that famous self-deprecating millennial sense of humor is terrifying when you’re trying to work out if someone’s in danger). I have a generally positive attitude about this, and I can now usually catch myself when I’m starting to spiral. I send my brother goofy links, and he sends me funny stuff in return. I’m going for runs and eating better and playing video games and hanging out with friends... 

... and I’m genuinely very happy a majority of the time (not just content, but happy), which wasn’t true even a couple months ago.

I’m scared and angry and coming to grips with it being okay to be both of those things, as long as I’m also supportive and loving. This is my little brother. This is my family. They’re the best. 

And all we can do is take it one day at a time.

[spacebunniis]

meta topic: Yexia and how she changes over the course of the story :3c (i know i already Know This but i love it a lot and i think it deserves to be OUT THERE ON YOUR BLOG !!!) ♥

you are the bessssttt ;;U;;❤️❤️❤️❤️

prepare for a LOT

I HAVE

SO MANY FEELINGS ABOUT YEXIA AND HOW SHE GROWS AND CHANGES

uhhh under a cut because even I wrote more than I expected to

alright here is angry nightmare child’s growth to semi-decent tough girl with a good(ish) heart

let’s start! all the way at the beginning!

Yexia is the 5th of 6 siblings, and the clear favorite  of her parents because she’s the strongest (physically, and more importantly, in the force). It’s not exactly a favoritism that is rewarded with anything other than her parents at least do praise her versus the cold indifference (or sometimes disdain) her parents show to her siblings. They still push her to be stronger, and only encourage her to push herself, to go far, and make it obvious that she’s only successful if she has something to show for it. She’s the one who is going to carry their family name, who is not only going to hold their prestige, but raise up their legacy, make their family name better. Yexia and her siblings are all regularly encouraged to fight each other to ‘improve’ their skills, and they do not hold back. At a fairly young age Yexia has a spar against her force-blind sister Izhae, and leaves half of Izhae’s face covered in a burn scar. (sidenote that I don’t know if I’ve talked about before - instead of base game abilities, I always imagine Yexia’s force abilities being more fire based, to match her…explosive…personality  :’D ) This isn’t the only time she leaves scars on her siblings (granted, she’s also got quite a few from them).

By the time she arrives as an apprentice at Korriban she is well and truly awful. She’s her parents favorite, so she’s nothing but a cocky, overconfident asshole. She thinks she’s the best, and she deserves whatever she wants just because she’s so great. There’s not a lot of people who get along with Yexia because she’s hard to get along with. She’s blunt, and not in the good way - it’s just plain rudeness. Yexia delighted in tormenting and taunting others, because that’s how you show you’re better than them. Whatever she’s doing she rushes in with blind surety and recklessness because of course she knows what’s best, of course she can take down anything and anyone.

However, as an apprentice she’s also faced with, for the first time, realizing that everything isn’t going to come easy to her, it’s not all going to be handed to her. It’s not that she isn’t strong, she is, but in what is news to her, so are plenty of other people. There’s plenty of other strong force-users, some who even rival or exceed her. But she has to be the best, and her instinct in the face of this is just to get angrier, and more reckless, and just be more of an asshole in the quest to prove she’s the strongest.

One of the first things that begins changing her world view is Vette, who really is the first to both not be afraid of Yexia AND not to immediately just (rightfully) hate Yexia for being so insufferable. The two of them working together, and Yexia having to rely on Vette for something she can’t do starts to make Yexia reconsider some things. And also you know, first ever friend! Yay! So Vette is able to put up with Yexia’s assholery, give some of it back, and still be enjoyable and nice and well…it feels good to have a relationship with someone that’s based on anything that isn’t hate or rivalry. Yexia doesn’t really know what to do with herself (which does lead to her falling back on just saying rude or angry shit when she’s overwhelmed/doesn’t know how to correctly process feelings).

And of course next, one of the most important factors, naturally, is Azhiera. Apart from being forced to work together, Yexia is drawn to Azhiera for many reasons, just many she can’t exactly figure out at first. For one, she is definitely attracted to her, but doesn’t even realize that until MUCH. MUCH LATER. But also at the beginning I think, she’s a little afraid of Azhiera to be honest. Azhiera is strong, and in the face of a lot more obstacles than Yexia has ever had to face. Even not knowing Azhiera’s entire history, she is still an alien (and a chiss at that) at the academy. And like Vette, Azhiera is never really intimidated by Yexia, which definitely throws her off. This small, sassy, blueberry just refuses to be intimidated, and actually messes with Yexia. Azhiera sasses Yexia back, “accidentally” zaps her, and Yexia gets angry but always comes up short of actually doing anything more than being all bark and no bite at responding to whatever Azhiera is doing.

The more they work together the more Yexia realizes she likes Azhiera, and that, in a weird way they are friends. But she has no way of … properly conveying that, or conveying how important Azhiera is to her with words so it comes out more through actions. She’s always a shield between Azhiera and enemies, she tries to say nice things even if it usually comes out weirdly phrased, in a yell, or roundabout way.

She also begins talking more about feelings with Vette because Vette (mostly) doesn’t make fun of her. The relationship she ends up having with Vette is, Yexia eventually realizes, the kind of relationship most siblings have. They bicker, they tease each other, but at the end of the day they have each other’s backs. They don’t try to one up each other, she doesn’t feel like she has to be better than Vette - they’re equals. And she starts seeing Azhiera as an equal too (or, honestly maybe placing her above a little bit, not that she’d ever admit it but she’s pretty damn smitten).

Which, as cliché as it is, also contributes to her growth. Finding something other than anger as a passion, something like love, a desire to protect her friends and found family - that really pushes her to finally start thinking beyond herself. She (as long as it took) finally begins to realize the ways everyone she encounters has a whole life, their own passions and goals, and that she could never be the best at everything. Everyone has their own strengths - and for the longest time she was only using her strength in the pursuit to become stronger and nothing more. She is still a pretty brutal Sith, and still works her way up in the Empire, but she’s not quite as unforgiving, she’s more willing to show mercy rather than brutally end anyone who crosses her.

(I still haven’t finished warrior’s story though know most of it so bare with me as I skip ahead to expansions!)

Later on she ends up working as Linalae’s right-hand officer (whatever that position is?? idk), because by the time they’re facing Valkorion and Arcann, Yexia is a much more mature person. She still uses her outside voice more than often, is quick to anger and often very intimidating but she’s better at stepping back and actually evaluating situations, in actually giving fair responses to situations. She’s also finally able to take orders from others, and recognize someone like Linalae as a good leader, and someone worth following. (Begrudgingly she also becomes something of a squad 'leader’ for a group of blueberries that has until now been Vette and Azhiera, is joined by my inquisitor Ziseshis, and eventually any other blue babe in the alliance who realizes, they can all kind of stand behind her and let her take all the damage for them, even if she complains and yells about it, she’s gonna protect them).

And, to come full circle, let’s end with family too!! By the time she’s in the alliance she’s lost contact with all her siblings. It’s not like they were ever close to begin with. But she does return home one last time to formally let her parents know she’s not carrying on the family name the way they want her to. At this point she’s lost an arm (that’s a story for another time!), and she tells her parents she’s in love with Azhiera, a chiss, and she doesn’t plan on returning home ever again. Needless to say her parents are furious, and rather than yell or explode at her Yexia just, finally receives the cold indifference they had been giving to all her other siblings. She’s just ignored. So she leaves and returns to her real family.

Eventually out of morbid curiosity she asks Linalae to check in on her sister Izhae. All Yexia knows about her is that she was in the military, since it was her only way of proving any strength. Linalae discovers Izhae also became a Cipher Agent, however, is listed as KIA. It’s not something Yexia can cry over, or even feel a deep sadness over, but it still stirs up something more now than it would’ve in the past. She at least wishes she could’ve apologized to Izhae, for a lot of things. However, she does get the chance to apologize to one of her siblings. When she and her siblings came of age, it was her family’s tradition to send them out to face a large and hard to take down beast as a right of passage (how Yexia got the scars on her face). It is expected that they defeat the monster and return, or die in battle (because coming back without defeating the beast would be unthinkable). Her sister Jaeyi never returned from the fight, and was presumed dead when Yexia was incredibly young. She was used as an example of how Yexia and her siblings shouldn’t be weak, of what not to be. Jaeyi was brutally injured facing the beast, but in her nearly last moments she became so fearful for her death that she was able to drag herself to freedom, far away from the beast before collapsing. She was discovered and healed, and eventually found herself among Jedi who wanted her to join them. Her upbringing and this experience made Jaeyi an incredibly fearful and meek person, bad at standing up for herself, scared of her own shadow, but still trying her best to prove her worth among the Jedi - to prove that saving her was worth it. Still, she never fit in that well, and didn’t feel she was particularly strong or worth while. And since I’ve already rambled enough about Jaeyi on accident - the long story short is, Yexia ends up finding Jaeyi and bringing her back to the Alliance, where Jaeyi is welcomed and slowly begins to fit in. The two of them have a lot to rebuild in their relationship; when Yexia finds Jaeyi, Jaeyi is terrified Yexia will drag her back to their parents or kill her on the spot. It takes a long time for Jaeyi to stop being scared of Yexia. But she gets to watch the way Yexia interacts with everyone, how Yexia has respect and people listen to her, but they don’t respect or listen to her out of fear - Yexia’s actually earned it.

Overall, by the end Yexia is still rough, and speaks somewhat crudely, and jumps to conclusions or actions too quickly a lot of the time. She still yells a lot, and isn’t always good at expressing genuine emotions, or saying nice things. But, underneath all that she is pretty sweet - she genuinely tries to help her friends, she definitely does everything she can to protect what and who she believes is worth protecting. She learns how to step back and assess situations, how to do things that will benefit her and others, she learns how sometimes she needs to put the needs of others before herself. And she’s also pretty good at giving those back-breaking, lifted off the ground hugs.

So that’s !! A lot on Yexia :’D a very angry tomato. I love her so much and to anyone who reads all this thank you so much????? i have lots of thoughts and feelings and so much i wanna write for her and idk if i even conveyed everything properly but ;v; here’s a big long wall of words and love!! TvT