#like. my two closest guy friends were both SHOCKED when i told them ive considered what i would do if i was being badly harassed

[freshlybakedfandoms]

the difference between being raised a teenage boy and being raised as a teenage girl is so fascinating to me

[machine-gun-casie]

tavern music

synopsis: corpse hears tavern music coming from your room (gn!reader)

warnings: rpf, reader gets cheated on, kind of unrequited feelings, mostly hurt/comfort and physical affection tho (what im trying to say is that this is mostly self indulgent)

wc: 1.7k

a/n: havent written in a while but i found this in my arsenal, fixed it up a bit and viola. original plans for this was definitely something longer that would end with them being together but im not up for writing rn. been feeling really shitty lately and ive been needing something like this in my life. hope u guys like it ♡

He couldn’t hear it at first. His headset was on and everyone was being so loud on the discord call. When he started the stream, he really thought it was gonna be a long one. But he’s only two hours in and he’s ready to get the hell off because something was definitely wrong.

“Corpse?” His name being spoken finally broke him out of his trance, he only hummed in response. “You’ve been really quiet. Are you sure you’re up for another game?”

“Actually,” he starts as he closes a few tabs, “I think I’ve gotta go. Today was fun, though. Thanks for having me guys.”

After a chorus of ‘goodbye’s and ‘see you later’s, Corpse disconnected from the discord call. “Thank you guys for being here,” he addressed the chat, “sorry I’m ending so early today. I promise I’ll make it up to you next time. Take care of yourselves. Later.”

After hanging up his headset and getting out of the chair he’s been sitting in for far too long, Corpse made the short trek to your room. 

You had only been roommates for less than four months, but Corpse could confidently say that you have become one of his closest friends. Getting a roommate was the last resort that he never wanted to actually resort to. But alas, medical bills were piling up and youtube and music don’t make half as much money as people think they do. So cutting rent in half was the best plan he could come up with. He did have an extra guest room that no one ever stayed in. Of course having someone move into his personal space was terrifying to him. He didn’t just want to post an ad on craigslist or something. So he asked a couple trusted friends to ask a couple trusted friends… And that’s when you came in.

You were the trusted friend of a trusted friend of a trusted friend. When you met, you didn’t make a comment about his voice. Your face sure as hell showed your surprise but you didn’t say anything. To Corpse, this meant one of two things. You either knew who he was but didn’t want to freak him out, or you didn’t know about his online persona and were just genuinely shocked by his voice. It only took a few minutes of knowing you to know that it was the latter. Thank god. You were like anyone your age with social media. You had a few accounts, followed a few people, but mostly used it to stay in contact with friends. 

It only took you guys a week to realize you had way too much in common. After many a late night when he wasn’t streaming, and many an early morning when he was just done streaming, you two became inseparable. Nothing could keep you apart.

Except for one thing.

You had a boyfriend.

There was nothing wrong with your boyfriend, per se. Just the fact that he was your boyfriend and Corpse was not. 

Yeah, Corpse definitely had feelings for you. 

But right now, feelings didn’t matter when he could hear tavern music coming from your room.

He knocked lightly and pushed the door open slowly. “y/n? Can I come in?”

No response came, just sniffles and sobs. The lack of refusal on your part gave him the courage he needed to open the door wider and step into your room. He had only been in your room a couple of times since you had moved in. But he had never been in a room that gave off the feeling of a person so well.

You were curled up on your bed, facing your open laptop screen and the tavern music coming from its speakers. With every sob shaking your chest, Corpse felt his heart break. “y/n,” he murmured softly, “what’s wrong?”

“It’s not working.” Came your reply, heavy with tears. “You said it would make you feel like you're going on an adventure but I still feel like crap.”

“What happened?” Corpse asked as he sat down on your bed, facing you. You slowly sat up and crossed your legs at your ankles in front of you.

“He-” You sighed heavily. “He cheated on me.”

“What?”

“He cheated on me -has been cheating on me- with my best friend. My little brother found out.” You groaned and dramatically dropped your head onto Corpse’s thigh. His hand immediately came in contact with your cheek as he brushed a few stray tears away.

There was rarely any physical contact between you and Corpse. Sometimes you’d give him a high five, sometimes he’d give you fist bump. And there was that one time you came up behind him at the grocery store and hugged his arm to your chest. You immediately whispered something along the lines of ‘creep won’t leave me alone’ followed by a loud ‘hey babe!’

Corpse could barely admit to himself how much he liked that.

But this? This felt good. Corpse’s large warm hand on your face somehow made you want to cry more but in a good way. The tenderness with which he held your face made your heart squeeze as it remembered moments like this with your boyf- ex boyfriend. But then it remembered your brother’s words.

“Hey, what’s up?” You spoke as you answered his call. Your brother wasn’t much of a caller, so it made you worry. 

“Hey, where are you right now?”

“I’m home, why?”

“y/n… There’s something I gotta tell you.” He sighed and you could clearly hear the guilt.

“Did you break my DS!” It was your first thought as you had given it to him the last time you had seen him. “Dude! I’ve had that since I was seven!”

“No no, I called about something else.” He cut you off mid-whine. “But also I did lose the pen.” You huffed out a sigh of frustration but stayed silent so he could tell you what he wanted to tell you. “I saw your boyfriend at the park today.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “And?” How did this warrant a phone call? 

“He was with Bob.” 

When you had met your best friend, your brother was only a toddler. He had decided that her name was Bob, so it stuck. You always called her Bob, she was saved as Bob in your phone, your whole family called her Bob. But you still didn't understand. Why was he calling you to tell you that your boyfriend and your best friend were at the park? 

“Why are you calling me about this? You know that they’re friends, right?” You let out a chuckle, albeit still pretty confused. “They’re allowed to hang out without me.” 

“They weren’t hanging out.” You could hear your brother push out a strained sigh. What wasn’t he telling you? “They were making out on the swing set. As in, both of them on one swing. And I double checked, it was definitely them. I-I told mom and she said not to tell you, but I couldn’t not tell you when I’m the one who saw it!”

You couldn’t bring yourself to say a word.

“I’m sorry, y/n.”

There was no lying to yourself, you had doubts about your best friend and your boyfriend. But you constantly brushed it off. He wouldn’t hurt you like that. Hell, she couldn’t hurt like that. Not after everything you had been through together. 

But you had seen his call log by accident one time, he called her more than he did you. She face-timed him one time to ask his opinion about a dress she was going to buy while you were in the changing room. She had done a handful of things since your relationship with your boyfriend started that made you uneasy. If this was their first kiss, which was something you doubted, then they’ve both been emotionally attached to the other for far too long.

All those tender intimate moments, all those dates, throughout everything, he wasn’t faithful. Not emotionally, at least. None of those moments that you cherished meant anything to you anymore. He had played you. With none other than your best friend since middle school. You didn’t know who to be more mad at.

The thoughts of betrayal from someone who you considered a sister and the hurt of being cheated on made you nauseated.

So when the large warm hand on your face stroked your cheek again, you didn’t mind it. This was Corpse. Not your cheating boyfriend. Not your lying best friend. Corpse. And you knew that he would never hurt you.

“He’s been cheating on me for a while I think.” You mumbled against his sweatpants. “Maybe a couple months. I don’t know.” 

Corpse furrowed his brows in thought. You had told him you were going to visit your boyfriend for your one year anniversary next week. “Weren’t you go-”

“Yeah.”

“And Bob’s been your friend since-”

“Yeah.” Your chin wobbled as you answered. You brought your arms up around Corpse’s thigh and hugged it. It was a strange position, but you didn’t care. He was so warm and nice and hugging him properly required more movement on your end than you were willing to do.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Corpse sighed and reached out to untangle your arms from his leg. He gently pulled you across the few inches of bed between you and sat you in his lap. You wrapped your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist, immediately sobbing into his shoulder. “Do you want me to turn off the music?” You shook your head no against him and he chuckled before he solemnly sighed. “When did you find out?” 

“When I came home.”

“But you came home hours ago. Have you been in here this whole time?” You nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were streaming, didn’t wanna interrupt.” You shrugged.

“y/n,” he sighed disappointedly, “you’re my best friend. I can end a stream if you need me.”

“Okay.” Your voice, broken and weak and tired, made him feel so guilty. You had been crying your heart out for over two hours just down the hall from where he was.

He gently grabbed you by your hips and tried to push you away, but you only held on tighter and whimpered. “I just wanna get you some water.”

“I don’t want water.”

“Then what do you want?”

“You.” You whispered. “Please stay.” 

Fuck. How could he say no to that?

So he stayed.

[thorne93]

Long Lost Love (Part 5)

Prompt: Clint just lost everything. He turns to you – an old friend and an old flame – for comfort. Can you keep your old feelings at bay? Can he?

Word Count: 4043

Warnings: The Snap, grief, loss, mentions of abuse throughout series, angst will be the best friend in this fic

Note: This was written after IW, but before Endgame - so I have my own take on how certain things happened. Couldn’t have done this without @arrow-guy @carryonmyswansong @like-a-bag-of-potatoes (my amazing betttaa!) @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo

Aesthetic by @dontshootmespence

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For one year, you two did this. You got up at dawn together, ate a quick breakfast, tended to the animals, did the repairs around the farm, went out for supplies, ate dinner, then went to bed separately. 

You kept your word on going into the city every Monday and Wednesday. You didn’t have half as many patients or clients as before, but the money still helped both you and your staff. You kept your apartment in the city too. You needed something familiar after all the craziness. 

Life was… getting better though. Clint smiled more now, he laughed here and there. He was eating better. You really started to believe he was coming out of his grief, ever so slightly. As it turned out, his family wasn’t the only one he lost in what the Avengers called “The Snap”. Apparently, quite a few people he cared about were gone too. Wanda Maximoff and Sam Wilson being some of them. 

He didn’t much keep in contact with the team. You tried to encourage him to, but he said every time he called them it just reminded him of what he lost. You didn’t quite understand, but you respected him enough not to push it. 

One day, a pipe in the barn had rusted out, so Clint got the things to fix it but he ran out of plumbers tape and needed a monkey wrench. Two things he thought he had brought in his toolbox, but apparently not. He asked you to go grab them from the garage. You nodded and jogged for a bit back to the garage. It was a really hot, dry day and you felt like you needed two showers. The weeds were tall and dry and you couldn’t wait for the next rain to get some of this dust down. 

You got into the garage looking for the plumbers tape. Clint had never organized this freaking mess. You started pulling out bins from a shelf when you looked inside one, you found an old wedding album. It was covered in dust, but it was lace covered. You frowned and opened it. The tools were long forgotten. 

Inside of the book were pictures of Clint and Laura… It was like a punch to the gut.

Both of them stood with giant grins on their faces. They had the typical run of the mill wedding. She was in a satin gown, her hair up, a simple pendant on her necklace. She held his hand, smiling proudly. Her veil was perfect. He stood there in a tux, his smile rivaling that of the sun. 

You flipped through, and you didn’t know if you were going to smile from how happy and silly they looked on their special day. How happy you were for both of them. Or if you were going to scream and cry and break down because it should’ve been your day. He’s all you’d ever wanted…

Why weren’t you good enough? What went wrong? 

After several minutes, Clint came running into the garage. “Y/N? Where the hell-- Oh, there you are. Did you find the stuff? We gotta get this pipe fixed.”

He didn’t see what you had in your hands because you were turned away from the door he just came through. 

“You never told me why you never asked me back out…” 

He instantly stiffened. “Y/N,” he started, his tone full of warning. He clearly didn’t want to talk about it. 

You turned around, snapping the wedding book shut as you looked at him. “No I wanna know. When we left the circus, I was under the impression that one day you’d come back for me....” 

He took a few steps closer to you. “I tried, I wanted to, but with SHIELD--”

You were beyond angry. You were trying to hold this in because you knew he was grieving and you didn’t want to come into his life like a hurricane and make his pain worse. But you had feelings too that had never even been addressed or considered, so you wanted to know. 

“Don’t blame SHIELD, you married Laura so something was okay with having a life, a wife, a family.” 

“I didn’t want you to get hurt and I didn't think you wanted me back.”

“What gave you that idea?” you questioned, entirely flabbergasted. 

“When I visited you in Manhattan you said you didn’t want a guy in your way.” 

You frowned, trying to remember the interaction. When you finally did, you looked up at him. “That? You thought I meant you? I was talking about other guys, Clint!”

“I thought you meant it as a subtle way to tell me to take a hike.” 

Your eyes wildly searched his. You couldn't believe what you were hearing. You couldn’t be with the only man you ever loved because he misunderstood a half-assed joke years ago? 

“No!” you cried out. “I waited for years for you to come back,” you stated, tears flowing despite your efforts to keep them inside. 

He looked down, feeling guilty and ashamed that he didn’t make it more clear back then that he did want you back. “Well, I’m sorry. I thought you were moving on.”

“No,” you informed, your voice full of anger and sorrow. You shook your head. “I was waiting.”

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting. You said your life was too busy at the moment, I just assumed you meant for me, for everyone,” he said, not realizing how badly he’d been mistaken. He thought back to that day the clinic, realizing how your words would’ve sounded, but you thought he knew you well enough you meant other men. Anguish started to wrap around him slowly, creeping up into his throat. “I had no idea.”

“Well now yow you do.” You shoved the album into his chest and went back outside. 

-----------------------------

For the next few days, you cried yourself to sleep. Thinking Clint didn’t want you was one thing. Thinking he just wanted to move on was one thing. 

But finding out he actually thought you were telling him to move on was just unbelievable to you. You’d spent all this time, all these years, waiting for him and he had no idea. You thought you were clear. You thought it was understood on both sides that you’d get your lives together and he’d come back for you.

You couldn’t go after him, you didn’t even know what part of the world he was in most of the time. You wanted to write letters, to make it clear. After he joined SHIELD and visited you in college, you thought he’d come back, again. He came back then, right? You just assumed he was still getting his life together.

Then one day… he had visited you… and told you about Laura.

The bell chimed to your clinic, the same one that always introduced new clients and their precious patients. But this bell chimed to signal that the only person you’d ever loved just walked through the doors. 

You happened to be out front at the desk, talking to your front desk staff, going through a chart when he walked in. You looked up and saw the disheveled blonde looking like a sight for sore eyes.  

“Clint, hey,” you beamed, grinning from ear to ear. You wondered if this was it, if this was when he was finally going to ask you to be with him again. You felt it had been long enough. It’d been over a decade. He was well into SHIELD by now, and you were well on your way to Manhattan’s finest veterinarian. Maybe he was finally coming to tell you he was ready, ready to be together, to start a family -- you certainly were. 

“Hey, Y/N, long time no see,” he greeted kindly.

“Yeah, I’ll say. It’s been forever. How’ve you been?” 

“Good,” he answered, shrugging as he put his hand in his pants. “Hey, you wanna grab coffee? Do you have time?”

You glanced down at your schedule and then your watch. “Yeah, I’ve got a little over an hour before my next appointment. Girls, can you make sure to take care of any walk-ins?” you requested. They said they would and you two were off. The closest cafe was only three doors down. After a quick trip out of your clinic front, you found the cafe, ordered, got your drinks, and sat down. 

“How have you been?” he asked and you suddenly realized what had been off about him since he walked in -- he seemed nervous. 

“I’m fine?” you responded, sounding as if it was a question. You let out a laugh to indicate how befuddled you were. In a way, it was. You were confused as to why he was giving you small talk. You two grew up together, you were closer with him than anyone on this planet. Why was he being so weird? 

“That’s good. Really good. I’m glad to hear it. Your business?”

“The clinic is doing just fine. I’m treating all kinds of animals. I’m really good. Are you? You seem a bit… off.” You wanted to reach towards him, possibly comfort him or just be closer to him. It seemed like you hadn’t hugged him in centuries. 

He looked down for a moment. He hadn’t touched his coffee, that was a red flag right there. If Clint Barton could IV the coffee, he would. Something must’ve been really troubling him. 

He took a deep breath and then looked up at you again. “I’ve met someone,” he informed evenly. 

Ice felt as if it replaced your heart. You stared at him in utter shock, horror, dismay, confusion, bewilderment. You struggled to keep your composure at all. How… How could you have been this blind? 

“Oh?” was all your lump-ridden throat would let out. 

“Yeah, uh, her name is Laura. She’s great. She really kind of kicks my ass when I need it.” He softly chuckled. “We got married…”

Did he want you to be happy for him? How the hell could you not see this? Were you waiting for a man for over a decade that didn’t want you? Or did he not realize you were waiting?

No, he clearly didn’t want you. If he loved you, if he truly loved and wanted you, he would’ve made his feelings clear for you between leaving the circus and now. All this time… wasted. Hoping without hope, waiting without word, wanting without cause just to find out he moved on, and didn’t even tell you until after it was too late to make your case?

These were clearly the actions of a man who was no longer in love with you, and possibly never was. 

“Does she make you happy?” you asked, somehow hoping that would numb the crushing pain inside you.

“She does,” he said with a head nod.

“Then that’s all that matters. Congratulations.” You leaned over and hugged him, fighting back tears harder than you’d ever fought anything. 

--------------------

You were in the city, it was Wednesday afternoon. You wrapped up your last walk in, wished the girls a good evening, got to your car in the parking garage, and headed back to the farm. Why, you weren’t sure. At this point, it was pathetic. Clint loved someone else. You weren’t sure how many times he needed to make that absolutely clear. 

And yet, you continually ran to him, over and over and over. He showed up and you did anything for him. You never stopped loving him, not even when he told you he was going to give the life you deserved away to another woman.

You didn’t hate Laura, it wasn’t her fault. You were happy that Clint had a good, full life with her and the kids… You just didn’t know why it wasn’t your life with him. 

For years you had sacrificed your own happiness, believing that one day he would find his way back to you, but he never did. He even made it perfectly clear to you, through matrimony, that he didn't want you anymore. You still couldn't move on.

How do you move on from the one man who had saved your life? From the one man who saw you when you were scrounging for scraps at dinner? The one man who would take a beating just to find a pretty flower or trinket left in the stands to give it to you. The one man who made you laugh until your sides begged you to stop laughing. The one man who was both as deadly accurate with a bow and arrow as he was with his acrobatic skills. The one man who could brighten your day in the smallest of ways. He could see you when you were down and he knew how to make everything okay. Even being an orphan in a circus with bosses who threatened you and beat you, as long as Clint was there, you truly didn’t care.

When he left your life, the light slowly went out of you. He snuffed out that last small flame in you when he tied the knot with Laura. 

Now, his family was gone. You were back in his life, but you didn’t want to be a last resort, and yet that’s all you felt like you were to him. Someone to run to only when he’d run out of options. 

For some reason, that was something you never had an answer for. 

You returned to the farmhouse, walking in, throwing your keys on the entry table, trodding in with your medical bag. You were absolutely beat. Between working the long hours, the emotional pain, and the long drive, you just wanted to head to bed.

Something caught your eye though. Just as it did, Clint appeared out of the kitchen.

“Hey, you’re back,” he greeted happily. 

“Yeah,” you said with a bit of confusion in your tone. You peered around him. “What’s going on?” you asked. You could see the kitchen was dimmed, candle light illuminating it with a small strand of fairy lights on the counter. 

He reached out and took your hand. “Come on, I’ll show you.” He pulled you forward, his face warmer than it had been since you’d arrived. 

As he tugged you into the room, you could clearly see it. There was a lace tablecloth on the table with two candles, and two romantic place settings. Fairy lights lit the kitchen and counter space. There was a small vase filled with wildflowers you’d seen on the farm. 

“What… what is all this?” you asked with some mild excitement. 

“I’m taking you on that date you always wanted,” he said with a bit of a shrug and a smile. 

You shook your head. “I can’t believe you did all this.” 

“Well, you deserve it. You deserve a lot for having to put up with me, the farm…”

“The farm isn’t so bad,” you said as you lowered yourself into a seat and he began to grab food and plate it for you. “Animals are a breeze to work with. You, not so much.” You smiled up at him with a teasing gleam in your eye.

“I know. You’ve made the hardest part of my life a lot… easier to deal with. If you hadn't answered your phone that day… I honestly don’t know where I’d be. Off a deep-end somewhere.” He sat down across from you and began to eat and sip his wine. 

“I’m sure Nat and the rest of the team help keep you sane, when you call,” you added, trying not to sound like you were the sole reason he was mentally okay.

“Somewhat, but having you here, having your help, your presence, knowing I can talk to you any time… It really helps.” 

“I’m glad to hear that. Having an escape from… out there is nice too. Of course, I’m always happy to be around you, too,” you confessed a bit uneasily. 

You weren’t sure what this was, where it was going. Was this two friends having a dinner date? Or was it truly the date you always wanted that he never came back to give you? You weren’t sure how to steer the conversation and hoped that he’d be a guiding light. 

“It reminds me of this time Nat and I had to bunker down in a cave for two weeks. God, I made so many bat jokes I think she was ready to kill me. To be fair, coming out in the sunlight was hard as hell on the eyes,” he said, shaking his head and continuing to eat. 

“I bet. Jeez, I couldn’t do that. Any part of your job seems impossible to me. When you all were fighting Loki, oh my gosh. No, it seemed absolutely crazy.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” he said. “I saw you train tigers and lions and elephants like it was nothing. You were never afraid of them.”

“Because I never intended to hurt them,” you replied easily. “They trusted me, I trusted them. It was simple. But the people, the things, the aliens you face… it’s… a lot. I would be trying to hurt them, and people change when it’s a fight for their life. I wouldn’t have the guts.” 

“I bet you would. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met and I’ve trained with the best.”

“You’re just saying that,” you quietly said, waving him off. 

“I’m not. Really. You know me. I’ll tell you if you can’t handle shit. I used to tell recruits all the time that they weren’t cut out for this job. I’d sit them down, explain everything they might ever face, and tell them I didn’t think they had it in them. Nine times out of ten they listened to me.” 

“Did you tell them getting put under mind control was a possibility?” you teased before sipping your wine. 

He laughed. “Not until it happened, then I started telling them to be prepared for literally anything. God. We went from taking weapons from the bad guys to trying to knock out aliens, killer android bots, to fighting for the universe. My job was supposed to be relatively simple. Somewhere those lines got blurred.” He shook his head, chuckling at the absurdity of it all.

“I bet. My job never got more exciting than an unusual diagnosis,” you stated.

“I think you liked it that way though,” he suddenly said, staring at you. He had this look of...adoration in his eyes and face that you hadn’t seen since… well since you left the circus. 

“You do?” you questioned, thrown a bit by his response. 

“Yeah, I mean our lives in the circus were nothing but… well hectic. A new city every few days, training with exotic and wild animals. We never knew where our next meal was coming from and we also had to fight to survive. Our childhood was far from a picnic. I think you chose a job that’s relatively stable and helps animals and people.”

You lowered your head, wondering if maybe that’s why he gave you up. “You must think I’m pretty boring then, hmm? You went and chased adventure, fun, chaos…” 

“I went after what I knew. The circus equipped me with skills to be an archer and the only way I knew that I could make something of myself was to go military. I figured my footwork, my acrobatics, and archery would help, and they did. I didn’t care for the action part of it.”

“So if you could’ve had a normal, steady, peaceful life with your talents, you would have?”

“Oh yeah, in a heartbeat. It’d mean I could’ve stayed closer to you.” 

He reached across the table and held your hand. You were overjoyed of course, but again that gnawing feeling of being second best began to creep up from your stomach. You quieted it, trying to tell yourself this was all you had wanted, and you should take what you could get. 

You smiled at him and held his hand. “I’m glad you found SHIELD, and Nat. I’m glad you found the team.” 

“Me too. Oh, man, I have to tell you about this time we were in Budapest,” he suddenly said, his face lighting up.

You nodded, motioning for him to continue and he did. He launched into a full story that had you rolling. It was both scary, thrilling, and funny. He had you on the edge of your seat, listening. Before long, you two were swapping crazy stories. Yours mainly involved animals swallowing weird things or really bizarre animal custody cases or someone once flying you all the way to London to look at their pet bird because they only trusted you. He told you about missions that were funny or odd or where they barely made it out. 

When you first arrived here tonight, you were weary, and you weren’t sure you were going to stay, but now, regardless of what tonight was, it was a reason to stay. Your exhaustion was long forgotten as Clint walked you upstairs. He was finally sleeping in his master bedroom again. It was a slow process and sometimes you still ran in there when he woke up screaming or crying in the middle of the night, but at least he wasn’t on that shitty couch of his. 

“Well, this is me,” you feebly joked as you stood at your door, throwing a thumb over your shoulder. 

Clint just nodded, smiling at you. “Thanks for having dinner with me and giving me a second chance.” 

“Thanks for offering me one to give,” you responded quietly. 

The two of you looked at each other. That look in his eye had returned, after all this time. He was looking at you just like he used to every night at the circus. That same look that told you he couldn’t live without you and he couldn’t lose you. It was there again and you had it all to yourself. 

And for the first time in forever, you wanted to feel him again. You had always loved him, always were in love with him, that much was true, but the longing and desire had been snuffed out quite some time ago. 

Now, it was ignited again. His unruly blonde locks were poking out everywhere, reminding you of a younger time, a time when it was you two against the world. His eyes were alive with so much longing, it sent you to the times when you lied next to each other under the stars. He was so close to you, you could feel his body heat. 

Your body ached to close the gap in that dark hallway, only illuminated by a full moon and one small lamp upstairs in your room. It was as if kissing in the darkness meant no one knew. It was as if it wouldn’t be like he was betraying Laura in her own home. It was as if it could give him permission or a guise to love you. 

And so he took it. 

He swept towards you quickly, capturing your lips with his and you nearly gasped from the shock. He tasted… new and yet familiar. The familiar warmth and nuttiness of coffee wafted off of him, as did the smell of farm work, not that different from the circus. But there was also this mintiness to him, this sweetness too, those were new. 

You embraced it though. Your hands went to his shoulders, holding them firmly so you could steady yourself. His hands were on either side of your face, where they always found themselves when you kissed. 

His lips were firm, tender, moving with purpose. When he let you go, his eyes were closed and you simply stared at him. He rubbed his lips together before saying, “Goodnight.” 

He let go of your face before grabbing your hand to give it a squeeze, and he went to his room.

“Sweet dreams,” he quietly called before shutting his door. 

For the first time in over ten years, you thought you could actually have sweet dreams, and you retreated into your room, looking forward to the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

The Best Things ~ J.V. (Part 9)

A/n: Lol there's like... the most minor gayness between reader and Jeremiah in this part and it means nothing but I'm living for Jeremiah's sexual awakening behind both Wayne brothers just like SEND ME HELP IVE BUSTED A LUNG

Word Count: 4700+

Playlist

Masterlist

"We're going to your uncle's diner?"

"Yes," Jerome confirmed for maybe the hundreth time. He was starting to get irritated.

"Your mother's brother?" Y/n continued, his voice rising into near hysterics.

Jerome groaned, turning to face the other boy. "What is confusing you?"

Y/n hesitated, his eyes roaming the streets. He hadn't been free in Gotham for a long time. The idea that someone he knew - anyone he knew - could pop up at any time gave him anxiety. "I mean, isn't this one of the many people that sat around and beat you up all the time? What could you want from him?"

Rolling his head back and forth, Jerome tried to reel in his patience. "I need information. You stay here and make sure I don't die okay? I don't trust you not to kill the old guy, and he can't die yet."

Y/n glared at the diner but nodded. As Jerome walked away, Y/n caught his arm and pulled him closer into a kiss. Jerome tensed before relaxing and nearly melting into him. Y/n smiled as he leaned away. "You better haunt me if you die in there."

Jerome grinned. "What else would I spend my ghost time doing?" He winked before leaving Y/n alone, entering the shop. Y/n stayed outside as he'd been told to, keeping his eyes on what was happening inside. He saw police coming and tensed, but Jerome had the gun out and was ducking under the counter in no time, not coming out again until they were gone. Things seemed to be going well as they moved to the back, only to return quickly with bowls of soup. Jerome began eating and they started talking again. It all seemed to be chill and casual... maybe Jerome's uncle wasn't as bad as he had seemed.

Just as Y/n had that thought, he saw the big man approaching the pair in the booth from behind. Y/n was running immediately. He needed a weapon, and by the looks of the man who's muscles were defined even from this distanced, he'd need something durable. He ran to the back door- something he'd noticed as they approached the diner before- and looked for something thick. He saw a pan and hefted it a second before nodding, also reaching over to grab a knife. With his two weapons, he moved toward the main room just in time to hear Jerome scream. He picked up his pace, peeking around. Then he was close enough to hear what the distance voices were saying.

The uncle was standing, a bowl of soup in his hand. "And the hot one is for you!" He slipped it in the microwave, heating the green liquid again. Y/n could smell the fumes of half burned soup- it was being far too overheated. Y/n felt sick. These were the kind of men Jerome grew up with? If his uncle was this bad, how bad was his mom?

Y/n crept carefully, moving quietly as he'd learned to in his time trying to stay away from Jameson in Gotham before the beatings had been stopped. He sprung up, slamming the pot across the big man's head and then brandishing his knife just as the uncle began to move closer, the heated bowl of soup in his hand and a sick excitement in his eyes. "Now this can go two ways," Y/n began. He moved between the big man- who had stumbled away - and Jerome, who was on the ground and gasping in relief only a moment before he was rejuvenated and standing next to the armed boy. "You can stop underestimating us and tell the man what he wants to know, or you can get a few more jabs in before we kill you both and go on our merry way.

Jerome cackled. "That's my boy!" His arm went around Y/n, almost knocking away his concentration. "You see boys, I'm not as easy as I used to be to push around." Jerome kissed Y/n's cheek and his uncle recoiled. The big man rose his eyebrows but seemed otherwise unaffected. Y/n wondered if there really were people that didn't mind two men being romantic with each other. He seemed surprised but otherwise chill. It was interesting.

Before anything else could happen, the door busted open. Y/n almost dropped his knife.

Bruce Wayne was standing in the doorway, his face twisted with emotion as he made an obvious effort to not look at Y/n, his eyes focusing on the big man. He carried a pole that went around the man's neck and the two began to struggle as the big man was obviously much stronger but Bruce seemed more than capable of handling himself as he threw his weight. As the two distracted each other, Jerome snagged a gun that had landed on the ground at some point. Y/n hadn't noticed it in the chaos, but he recognized it now as the gun Jerome had been carrying when the police had been around before. Jerome turned to his uncle, pointing the gun at the man. "Now we have some hot soup here..." Jerome grinned. "But, as I am a good host, we do have better options than microwaved, burned soup." He strutted off, returning with a bottle of bleach. "Open wide, Unc!"

"STOP! STOP STOP!" The man screamed as Jerome brought the bottle close to his mouth. "I'll tell you what you want to know." Jerome grinned, lowering the bottle. Y/n rose an eyebrow. "She picked St. Ignatius! The school is St. Ignatius."

"Got it." Jerome paused and looked over at Y/n who was already handing over a small piece of paper and pen he'd seen on the counter- probably what Jerome's uncle used to take orders. "Lost it," he relented, taking the paper from Y/n and handing it to his uncle. "Write it down." The older man did just that as Bruce and the big man struggled in the background. Y/n tried not to notice them too much, but as each second passed, it got harder for him to stand idly by and do nothing. He didn't care about a lot of people, but he did care about Bruce and after losing Harley... "Thanks," Jerome remarked in an overly cheery way as his uncle handed him the paper. It's been quite a visit, Uncle Zach." Ah so that was the asshole's name. "You really brought back the utter helplessness of childhood." Jerome began walking away and Y/n almost stopped him. "Well, see you around-" He turned back to Zach, hefting the gun. "Well, except the opposite." The gun went off and red splattered against Y/n's clothes and the counter. "Oh red's a good color on you," Jerome complimented.

Y/n grinned. "Maybe I oughtta wear it more often then."

Attention was turned to Bruce and the big man finally as the younger boy was aggressively pinned to the counter. Jerome clapped, getting the both of them to look at the other two. Bruce's eyes fell to the dead man now on the floor, his face flecking with regret. "Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne, coming to my rescue," Jerome drawled, as if considering the words. "Now, I did not see that one coming." He sighed, half laughing. "You know, with uncle Zach, the beatings never stopped. But nobody ever helped me." It got very quiet as Y/n looked at Jerome, his face twisted with concern. His eyes fell to the still untouched bowl of hot soup. He imagined how scared Jerome must have been. Today. Back then. Helpless and at the mercy of people who hated him for no reason. "Ever," the red head continued. Y/n looked over and reached out, his fingers almost intertwining with Jerome's... but the moment felt too real. Too serious. He felt like if he did something like that in a moment like this, it would mean something more than escaping Arkham or sharing jokes or killing people together. Comforting each other in genuine situations was a boyfriend thing to do. Was a love thing to feel. Was Y/n anything to Jerome but an easy way to pass time? He thought to Oswald, who considered friends useless. Who preferred to have lackies to companions, and who kept his enemies closest because he had to make sure they didn't betray him. Was Y/n just a follower Jerome could depend on to keep him out of bad situations? "It makes me wonder..." Jerome kept going, his voice low and slow. "What's wrong with you?" He began cackling, the mood breaking, causing Y/n to jump in surprise. "You know anything funnier than you saving my life?" Y/n perked up, suddenly panicked but not sure what to do. He couldn't handle seeing his brother die. "Is if I saved yours." He rose the gun, pointing it to the big man.

Y/n was surprised, but before anything could happen, Bruce yelled out a, "No!" Pathetic.

Jerome paused, humming in thought. "No," he agreed. "What would be funnier is if you were choked to death by the guy you saved me from. Yeah, yeah we'll do that instead." The big man hesitated but Jerome motioned him to continue. "Do your thing."

Y/n glared at the ground for a second before suddenly making up his mind, eyes finding the back of the man's head and aimin g before throwing the knife he was still holding. To probably everyone in the room's shock, the knife stuck and the man went down. "NO!" Bruce screamed.

Jerome looked back at Y/n, intrigued. "I didn't know you could do that."

"Neither did I," Y/n replied, shrugging. Oswald had people teach Y/n a few tricks here or there but Y/n hadn't really picked up on any of them. He had to be angry or protecting someone he cared about to kill someone. He wasn't driven enough when he was calm. His training had kicked in easily now, though.

"What did you do?" The boys looked over to Bruce, who looked beside himself. "Why did you do that, Y/n? That doesn't make you any better than Jerome!"

Y/n scoffed, stepping forward as he crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm NOT any better than Jerome, Bruce."

Bruce shook his head. "I don't believe that. You're a good person Y/n. It wasn't until you started to talk to these creeps that that changed. Penguin and Jerome and-" Bruce scoffed. "What are you doing?"

"Penguin," Y/n mused, rolling the name in his mouth. He thought back to his conversation with Harley about nicknames. Harley. "You know, I'm not Y/n anymore Bruce you're right. Y/n painted pictures and made friends and took all the shit everyone gave him with a smile. I'm stronger now. BETTER now." Y/n scoffed. "You know Bruce, tell everyone you know. Y/n Wayne is dead." He stood maybe a foot away from Bruce, his smile growing. "Harley Quinn is here instead." He winked, moving to the side. Bruce gasped as he looked over to see Jerome pointing a gun at him. "And that's our exit." Jerome looked at Y/n- at Harley - seeming to be looking for the go ahead to kill Bruce. Y/n shook his head. Jerome seemed disappointed but followed after Y/n anyway, moving slowly out of the room.

"Y/N STOP!" Bruce screamed, desperate to save his brother. Sure that he would find some remnant of who he used to be. "Y/N!" Both boys disappeared and the second they were outside, they started running. Bruce tried to take off after them but Jerome shot behind him, just well enough to slow Bruce down so they could get away. They were gone too fast, and Bruce lost them. The boy stood there, running his hands through his hair. "Fuck," he whispered.

-

They got clothes, picked up Jervis, and then they were on their way. They went to St. Ignatius, wired up the dude in charge after they got their information, and were off again.

Harley tried to be patient. He really did. But even Jervis and Crane seemed to know more than he did. At the brunch Jerome was very vague, and didn't give even a little lee way of information to the others, giving little run arounds to allude to information Jervis and Crane knew. It was very frustrating.

"So," Oswald began at one point when Jerome was talking to Jervis about... something. "Harley?"

He smiled, happy for the distraction. "Harley," he confirmed. "You go by Penguin. Ed has that whole Riddler schtick." Harley shrugged. "Firefly," he continued to list. "Mr. Freeze."

Oswald nodded. "I see what you mean." He gave a small smile. "So you're officially one of us now?"

"I kill people and everything." The men smiled at each other before giggling softly.

Oswald calmed, still smiling but more curious than amused now. "And... you and Jerome?"

Harley was suddenly very interested in his food. "What about it?"

Oswald seemed to sense his reluctance to talk about the subject at hand, but kept pushing. "Are you two together?"

A soft sigh escaped Harley just then as he looked away, setting down his food and silverware quietly. He pursed his lips, frowning. "I don't know." He looked at Jervis and Jonathan. "I don't even know what's going on here. He seems to trust them more than me, and seems totally unhinged. He's distracted and uninterested, which is fine because he seems really focused on something. And I mean he brought me along..." Harley shrugged. "I just feel like, I don't know-" he shrugged hopelessly.

"You're an extra piece to a complete puzzle?" Oswald offered, his expression full of understanding.

Harley's expression became pained. "Yeah."

Oswald reached over, patting Harley on the shoulder. "Love is an irritating, fickle thing Y/n- Harley." Both smiled. "You're one of the few people I trust. If you need anything, I'll be there."

"Likewise," Harley returned. "Of course." Oswald's eyes moved past him, his expression changing to surprise. "What?" Harley asked as he looked back, just in time to see Jerome turn away sharply, as if being caught doing something and trying to hide it. Harley looked back, confusion written all over his face.

Oswald was grinning, but this look was full of mischief instead of sincerity. "My dear Harley, would you like to see just how much your precious little redhead cares about you?"

Harley rose an eyebrow. "Well, you know me Oswald. Have I ever turned down the opportunity for information?" Oswald's smile only grew.

“He was glaring at me,” Oswald announced victoriously.

"He was glaring at you?"

Oswald rolled his eyes. "I see you haven't gotten over your habit to repeat when you're feeling dubious." Harley's mouth snapped shut. He hadn't realized that he asked questions repetitively when he was unsure of the answer, but as he thought back- yeah. That tracks. "Before you ask, it's significant because we were being affectionate and Jerome glared at me. He has no other reason to be mad at from the brunch, and if he'd been mad at me beforehand he would have tried to kill me or not invited me to begin with."

Harley nodded along slowly. "So your solution to him ignoring me is to... make him jealous?" Oswald nodded. "Won't that just get him more mad?" Oswald nodded again, as if that was the point. Harley frowned. "Getting Jerome mad has never been a good idea."

Oswald rolled his eyes. "If he gets possessive, he cares for you some way or another. If he doesn't... then you know." His excitement died down and Harley swallowed.

Well. Here goes nothing.

-

The worst idea probably ever had by anyone occurred to Harley the second he lay eyes on who he'd been told was a man named Xander Wild. Harley might not have known his real name, but the man's identity was clear. After all, when you look exactly like Jerome Valeska himself, who could you be other than the famous younger brother Harley had heard about only one other time.

Harley had been dragged along when Jervis had been tittering about how Jerome had an errand for them. They had convinced Harley to go when they said that if they didn't work quickly, Jerome might actually be in danger.

So then here they were, strutting around the tunnels of some maze chasing down the not-Xander-Wild in favor of finding Jerome. It was easy once they got the blonde. She tracked down not only one redhead they sought after, but both of them. First Jerome, then-

"Hello brother." Jonathan, Harley, and Jervis stood behind Jeremiah until Jerome sent the other two away to take care of Harvey and Jim. Harley sat here, leaning against the wall and listening to the exchange between the twins. The non-redhead rose his eyebrows, getting more and more shocked as it went on. The revelation that Jeremiah had manipulated their whole family because he was paranoid about Jerome...

"So you're saying you turned your whole family against your brother because you were afraid of what he might become?" Jeremiah looked at Harley and his face relaxed. He stuttered physically, almost as if he was going to step closer to him but then thought better of the action. "You realize that when they thought he was the problem child or whatever, they thought the solution was just beating the shit out of him. And not just with fists- that Uncle Zach of yours has a colorful way with skin and heated assorted soups." Jeremiah looked away. "If you were afraid of Jerome's insanity that didn't yet exist, you doomed yourself. People deserve love when they're struggling. By putting him through more suffering all you did was create who he is now."

"Don't give him all the credit," Jerome whined. "I have added some color to his original recipe."

Harley hummed, moving to Jeremiah's side. His finger brushed against the back of his shoulders, his arm resting across when he reached the end. Harley giggled. "He's kind of cute though. Makes sense why people believe him so much-" he raised his free hand, squishing Jeremiah's face. "Little puppy couldn't do any wrong, eh?" He giggled again, stepping away from him when Jerome donned an odd expression, shifting, obviously uncomfortable at watching Harley... flirt with Jeremiah. It became clear when Harley winked that that's what it was indeed.

The party was crashed when Gordon and Bullock showed up, guns at the ready. Jerome attempted a bluff but didn't pull it off, and soon enough they were all running for their lives, Jeremiah left behind. There was a car they'd gotten here in- they were all in it again. They'd gotten Jerome, but it seemed to have been marked a failure that they didn't manage to grab Jeremiah as well. Jerome seemed far more bothered by something else though. "Why were you doing that?"

"Doing what?" Harley asked lightly, eyes on the outside world.

Jerome made a frustrated half grunting noise. "With Jeremiah."

Harley didn't even look over. "Oh, him?" Harley shrugged. "Just having some fun."

Jerome was quiet for a long time. For far too long a time actually, as he was never one to be quiet for very long if ever. Even for a normal person it was considered quite a stretch of silence; Jervis' knuckles whitened on the wheel as he drove under the weight of the tension. It was when they were finally back to their little hideout that Jerome spoke again- only once the two men were in private. "Am I not enough fun for you?" He was smiling, advancing in an almost sexual way. It was strained though- he was obviously upset.

Harley was unsure how to go about this. "Jerome, dear, what am I to you?"

That seemed to confuse the redhead even more. "What?"

"Am I your boyfriend?" Harley offered, raising his eyebrows and crossing his arms.

Jerome scoffed. "Why would you wanna be something like that? So serious and boring. I'd prefer-"

"Friends?" Harley tried again, tilting his head. Tilting his head back and forth, Jerome considered. Harley scoffed, rolling his eyes at the extended hesitation. Jerome seemed to be confused again. He couldn't figure out why Harley was upset. "You can't be all possessive and expect me to only ever be interested in you if you can't even claim friendship with me, J. You want to say I'm yours? That's a two way street." Harley tapped his nose with a finger. "You don't own me, sweetheart. I'm free market. Don't be jealous that I'm acting with the freedom you've forced on me." Harley chuckled softly, shaking his head. "Makes you look pathetic, honestly." Then he turned and left. He'd felt a weight lift off of his chest, but he could feel Jerome's eyes burning holes into his back every step he got further away.

Jerome started acting weird after that. He got overly clingy with everyone except Harley. That was the only way to explain it. Whether it be putting his arm around Oswald's shoulders or leaning too close to Bridget or laughing too loudly at a joke that it was obvious he didn't even find that funny, or speaking way too loudly every time he named Jervis or Jonathan as his 'best friends' - directing a look he thought was subtle but very much wasn't at Harley - he just got overbearing and over the top. He was over compensating.

One day Oswald mumbled, "So he took the breakup hard I assume."

Harley scoffed. "What breakup? He won't even call me his friend, let alone his boyfriend." Harley rolled his eyes. "He's adorable but getting on my nerves." Harley smiled as he pretended to check his nails. He was thriving off the chaos he was creating, relishing how much of a fool Jerome was making of himself. Perhaps he shouldn't have been loving making someone he cared about suffer so much but fuck it. He did. Maybe he was some kind of sadist now. Maybe he just had a lower tolerance and a more eager thirst for revenge. Maybe he was just pettier nowadays. Whatever it was, it didn't bother him as much as it would have in the past.

Definitely not enough to back off or try to apologize and make peace.

People started to try and get the two back together as Jerome got even more on edge. Whether the request was to calm him down or take the reins on the whole affection thing or just to fuck him so he'd chill, Y/n was getting off on how even the other villains seemed to be struggling to handle Jerome acting like a child who's toy had been taken away. Well, Harley wasn't a toy and he wasn't an accessory. He was tired of being treated as such. Children who throw fits when told no don't get rewards. Men who own up to their feelings on even a minute level? They might get what they want if they ask really nicely. Jerome was taking the child route. Harley was too stubborn to give in.

It was better when Jerome was distracted. Whether it was shooting people in Russian Roulette until the gun went off or kidnapping powerful people and spraying them with some gas he was trying to create - obviously for Jeremiah, if his "or one bad spray" comment to his brother back at the end of the maze meant anything - Jerome kept his mind going and his day full. Harley kept his distance. There was no need to set him off too much. He was beginning to understand the thrill of slowly driving someone mad though.

Despite everything, Harley still seemed to be Jerome's go to. Jerome took him on every outing. Bounced ideas off of him. Shared jokes with him. Jerome was beginning to give away little pieces at a time to Harley, just by having him around constantly. He figured out the gas was for Jeremiah pretty early on, and steps were becoming clear as he tried to succeed in that. Harley knew what they were doing when they took out the band in the middle of the public square even before James Gordon had popped up as asked.

Harley had gotten his hands on a metal bat. He had begun to use it like an arm rest, hanging his arms over it limply as it balanced over his shoulders. He was casual as Jerome played his game. Smiling. Laughing. Then Gordon showed up and Jerome made a demand that caught Harley off guard. He had two extra seats in his little line of heads he wanted to blow. Jeremiah- obviously. And...

"Bring me my brother. Bring me Wayne. Bring them to me now."

As the remains of the now dead, headless dude bled out for everyone to see and Gordon ran off to get Jerome what he wanted before he killed more people, Harley moved to Jerome. "Why do you want Bruce?"

Jerome had lowered the microphone so other people couldn't hear him. "What's wrong little Harley?" Jerome tittered. He was grinning, his expression dark.

Harley nearly decked him. "You're going to put my brother in danger, why?"

Jerome tilted his head. "Why do you even care?" He scoffed. "I'm going to kill both of our brothers. People we spent our whole lives sitting in the shadows of. Been chosen second to. Been hated for, because everyone thought they were so much better." He scoffed. "Have you heard what they say about you? How they talk about Bruce and you in comparison?" He shook his head and Harley found he couldn't find words to say to parry this. "Even what they said about you in Arkham." His jaw tightened.

Harley took in a slow breath. "It makes sense that I care about Bruce, Jerome. I was actually close to my brother. We had a god relationship." He shook his head. "That doesn't matter now, but still." He frowned. "But why do you care about what people have to say about me?"

Jerome let out a slow breath through his nose. "Maybe I care about you, Harley." Harley's eyes widened, his lips parting in surprise. Jerome was completely calm and serious, shrugging as if it was the most casual thing. Jerome wasn't ever casual though. He wasn't calm. This was very unlike him. Almost like that first night, on the Ferris Wheel. When Jerome had sat, quiet, just listening to Harley go on and on about shit that shouldn't have mattered to him at all. He rose a hand to brush softly against Harley's cheek." His eyes flickered away. "We'll talk about it later."

Harley stepped back, allowing Jerome to take the stage as Gordon showed up with Bruce and Jeremiah in tow. "Just don't kill him please." Jerome didn't respond, but his smile wavered so Harley knew he heard. Jerome gave Harley Bruce's collar. Harley took it and put it on without hesitation. Bruce caught Harley's wrist as his hands dropped after the collar was on. The brothers made eye contact but Harley didn't hold it long. Bruce held a look of betrayal that shook Harley to his core. If Harley did have a weakness, it had always been that. Bruce used to look up to Harley... no, to Y/n. Now it was all over. Harley had chosen his path. He sighed, shaking his head of the heavy thoughts he'd been thinking and replacing each one instead with images of the real Harley. Harleen Quinzel, bloody and draped and dead. This hardened him again. Games and chaos and romance and familyhood aside: Harley was done being a Wayne. Done being sane and functional. He'd chosen Jerome, and he would continue to choose Jerome because despite everything, for some reason, Jerome was choosing him too. Harley moved to Jerome's side, resting his elbow on Jerome's shoulders. He leaned close, whispering, "Unless you really want to."

Jerome recognize the change in tone immediately. His lips turned up in a grin. His smile was brilliant, and Harley matched it perfectly.

The duo was back, and nothing was going to get between them again.

[jui-imouto-chan]

Part 10 of the Mostly Human AU

Level Select:

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9

Getting through to the last of the suggestions from @manadrite ‘s most recent comment (as of posting this)! I love having suggestions, keep ‘em coming!

Connor isn’t one to get terribly scared. He actually gets a thrill from scary situations.

His sense of self-preservation is startlingly low, for a being granted with immeasurable intelligence. At least, that’s what Hank claims.

Furthermore, Connor loves Horror. From movies to novels to images, he loves things made to be scary.

- Connor may or may not have had a weird crush on Slenderman for like a week. 

Maybe it was the towering height and the lack of a face, or maybe it was the slim fitting suit that made the creature so appealing to him.

Okay maybe Connor has a suit kink.

When he sees Gavin in an officer’s clothing and finds the man slightly attractive, it’s clear that he just straight (pfft) up has a uniform kink.

Connor will take this newfound information to the  g r a v e.

Connor goes to see a horror movie with Hank and the twins, and he’s ecstatic. 

He puts all of the pieces together detective style to figure out how the protagonists are either gonna die or solve the problem while Collin and Conan grip their seats a bit too tight and while Hank mutters flaws about the movie under his breath.

“This scene does not include a lap dance.” 

“What was that?” 

“Nothing!”

By the end of the movie, Collin and Conan had migrated to partially hide behind Connor, and Connor points this out to them.

They lie and say they were getting sleepy, and were dozing off on his seat.

Connor goes with it with a knowing smirk and a wink, mischief twinkling in his eyes.

Connor goes missing one day.

They try to give him a call when he they don’t see him that morning, but they receive no answer.

Hank and the twins storm through the house, upturning furniture and looking under the beds, in the closets, outside. He’s nowhere to be found.

They call up all of his friends, but nobody knows where he is.

The DCPD gets at least fifteen calls all at once reporting Connor missing.

While everyone is freaking out, Connor is actually, in fact, not missing.

He is out for a walk, Sumo at the vet’s for a check up and grooming, and he spots an animal shelter/pet shop. 

There are dogs and cats in cages by the windows, and Connor gravitates towards them without thought to anything else.

He enters the shop and, after talking with the person behind the counter for ten minutes, is surrounded by animals, all vying for his attention.

He’d never seen a cat before this, and honestly, he now holds cats to the same regard as dogs. 

It’s his first time seeing a lot of animals, all of them immensely cute. He giggles when a rabbit nibbles on his pointer finger.

The employee who allowed this to happen is melting against the counter, everything is too much. Too cute. 

The employee pulls out a camera and records, knowing the manager would love to use this as an ad. 

Connor already gave his consent for any media that his interaction might appear in, so it’s all gucci, even though Connor’s too preoccupied with the animals to even realize he’s being recorded.

Connor is there for a few hours, all of the time considered blissful to the android.

The video was sent to the editor as soon as the employee got clips of Connor interacting with each and every one of the animals. 

It's edited impressively quickly, yet still professionally; the editor accredited it to “passion”. 

When the ad goes up on all of the shelter/shop ‘s social media, with Connor tagged in the photo, everything halts.

Connor finally registers that his phone, being sat on by two guinea pigs, is ringing.

He answers it, and is disappointed when he's told to return home immediately by Hank. Hank sounds angry, distressed, and relieved all at once.

The employee reassures him, telling him that he can return whenever he’d like.

There’s an issue when Connor is on his way home, however, as he gets attacked. 

A man tries to mug him with a knife to his throat, pushing him into an alleyway, and while Connor manages to push him away, he doesn’t anticipate the man having accomplices.

He gets a few surprise stab wounds that go into some biocomponents, but their timers are set to at least an hour before he shuts down.

He defeats his attackers and sends Hank his location, telling him that he needs emergency care needs to be taken to Kamski as soon as possible.

His systems kick him into sleep mode against a cold alley wall to preserve thirium, which leaks copiously from his many wounds.

Connor wakes up to the ceiling of Kamski’s “operating” room, vaguely wondering if the past few months had been the equivalent of a dream, if he had imagined all of the friends he’d made and all of the things he’d experienced.

The thought...saddens Connor.

Luckily, a few minutes after he awakens, he hears Hank’s gruff voice and a plethora of footsteps approaching the room he’s in.

Connor goes to sit up, but winces in pain. His movement brings up a prompt, asking if he’d like to interface with the android equivalent of an IV, though it contains a liquid that promotes self-reparation at the cost of his mental capabilities being lowered until his wounds are healed.

TL;DR, it’s the closest Connor can get to pain killing medication.

He accepts the interface and he suddenly feels...oddly happy?

Everything is moving around the slightest bit and Connor can’t help but smile. Everything was great and he was having fun, sitting on the table. 

He giggles drunkenly.

His wounds are slowly closing themselves, and he scoots to the edge of the table while humming an unknown tune. He smiles triumphantly once his knees finally hang over the edge, he kicks them and rocks his head side to side.

When everyone enters the room, he’s surrounded by people and get-well gifts and he’s just so happy. He really doesn’t think of the consequences of his actions.

So that’s exactly why he thanks them all with hugs and kisses, skin tingly and buzzing while his chest feels warm and full.

The members of Jericho are frozen when he gives them all kisses to the cheek, and then all of them simultaneously slap a hand onto their cheek and stare at each other with pink faces. Daniel and Simon both duck their heads while Josh pulls his hood over his face and rugs on the drawstrings. North is suddenly more occupied with poking Markus’ red cheeks and teasing him as he shakes.

Hank tries to fight him off, but eventually relents, ruffling his hair bashfully. Conan and Collin both turn their heads as he approaches their cheeks, leading to him kissing both of them on the lips, though he just laughs good naturedly when they both nod at each other and go to opposite sides of the room, ears red.

Ralph and the Jerrys are surprisingly shy when Connor kisses them, but Ralph gives him a kiss on the cheek back, while the Jerrys all rub their necks and look away with silly grins.

Luther and Kara let Alice take their share of kisses, and she presses a kiss to Connor’s nose.

Rupert tries to escape Connor, but the brunette grabs his sleeve and gives him a kiss to the temple. Rupert immediately tries to flee the room, and Connor waves. Rupert hesitates before waving back and running away.

Connor goes to give Gavin a kiss, too, but the detective shoves a homemade cupcake in his mouth before he can. He still manages to give the guy a hug, though.

Kamski approaches, by Connor’s hug and kiss for him are stolen by Chloe, who had just snapped out of her shock at seeing Connor surrounded by a goddamn harem.

She growls at everyone in the room, sans Alice, Hank, Kara, and Luther.

Kamski is kinda concerned?? People don’t growl like that, wtf.

Also, he’s kinda upset that she’s keeping him from getting affection from his own creation but he’s not about to let his head get ripped off today

Chloe says that there’s too many people in the room, it’s getting late, and that Connor should get some more rest so that he can recover completely.

She tries to sound pleasant, but she really just sounds threatening af

Once she’s sufficiently scared the fuck out of everyone there and gotten them to leave, she puts her hands on Connor’s shoulders and tries to explain that nobody is allowed to touch him bc he’s too precious and, “nobody deserves you. This world doesn’t deserve you. The G-Man in the sky doesn’t even deserve you u pure boi.”

He doesn’t remember a word of this in the morning, but Chloe doesn’t know that.

He goes home in Hank’s car, Sumo already back from the vet and now laying across his lap, and finds out that Conan and Collin are at registration for their next year of college 

(lol idk if thats something u have to go do at college, im 15 and clueless)

Next Level: College Care Packages and Birthday Parties (suggested by @supposedlymatureadult )

X | Continue to Next Level

O | Save Progress and Quit to Main Menu

————————————— •

I think I got carried away with the kissing but I just really wanted Connor to be overly affectionate. At least I didn’t go down the sexual route.

Leave suggestions in the notes or in my ask, along with any questions, comments, and anything else!

Side note: If you want to receive notice of this AU but not the other random things I post/reblog (don’t worry I‘m not offended if that’s the case), I’m marking them all with #Jui’s Mostly Human AU in the tags, so you can follow that instead if that’s preferable!

[dekiiru]

okay sorry it took so long for me to write and post this, but im home now and in the silence to be able to gather my thoughts and the peace to be able to write them down. a lot of this is me working through my own thoughts as i write it so im sorry its so long, but im still a little bit confused on how to feel about this, largely, i think, due to shock.

i had no clue about almost any of the stuff julie did or said to people. i knew of the miles thing to some extent (i didnt know why miles was uncomfortable with him, i only knew about the aftereffects) and i knew about the vague story surrounding why maddy, jay and marina didnt like him, although i had never actually spoken to them before.

my initial reaction to the callout was to get defensive, because that was someone i considered my friend and although somewhere i think i knew or had some inkling that he was like this, i chalked it up to mistakes and people jealous of his popularity because i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. but the more i read the callout (i never finished it, partially because i had to take screencaps of the posts and painstakingly slowly read through them because the nature of my work makes it very difficult to focus on things for more than a few seconds at a time and partially because by the time i stopped, i had already made my decision regarding him) the more i realized that defending his actions isnt something i can, should, or would do.

and regarding the “sc/hool sho/oter” post, i live in america. in fact, i lived about 5-15 minutes away from where one of these sc/hool sho/otings happened (i lived for several years in roseburg, oregon, and the sh/ooting at u.c.c. happened a year or two after i moved to where i live now). i knew people who went there. i knew one person who died. the day it happened i broke down in the middle of marching band because i had no idea whether or not the friends i knew for three years were alive or dead and that fucking terrified me. and when it happened, i told julie over discord (because i was working when i heard about it) that i did not condone his actions or words and that it was wrong of him to say, but (and i still stand by this), it is not the place of anyone who was not even indirectly affected by a shooting to decide whether or not someone is worthy of redemption. no, julie should not have reblogged that post and while it is totally fine for you to be uncomfortable to interact with him because of it, i think only people who have been directly affected by sc/hool shoo/tings have the right to decide if he is worthy of forgiveness - for that. the rest of it is a different matter.

a few months ago i actually went through this with someone else. i wrote a callout post for daisy, a mercy blog in the overwatch fandom who deleted shortly after i wrote it. (if any of you want to see that callout, let me know and ill send it to you. i will admit here and now that there was something i shouldnt have added in there, but it was added with good intentions, but regardless, daisy’s callout really has nothing to do with the situation with julie and nothing to do with what is happening now. shes gone. im just making a connection to this situation.) it was a very similar situation; manipulation, hypocrisy, turning people against others, saving face and caring more about reputation than anything else. and while i was absolutely terrified of daisy’s situation happening again, where i get really really close with someone and then find out they manipulated the fuck out of me, i was also scared to lose friends, and i think thats a big part of why i wanted so badly to match or whatever, because i really really really wanted a place to belong, where i felt special and unique and yet part of a group and in the end that really fucked me over and made me blind to what was happening. i defended him (albeit not for long, ive only spoken to him for a few months now) for things i shouldnt have defended him for because i was terrified of losing people and im so sorry about that.

as for the callout itself: i will say that i do think there are two sides to every story. im not saying julie is a victim in this or that he is to be sympathized with, because at the end of the day, he hurt a lot of people and its good that the word was spread before more people got hurt. i dont agree that it is “a cis persons responsibility to make sure people know they are cis” because that kind of mindset will only lead to a witch hunt, but im not going to make a fuss about this because i know some other genderqueer people are more uncomfortable about cis people than i am and at the end of the day that is a personal opinion. i think some of the callout was worded with bias which probably, in some situations, did slightly twist the truth, ONLY because it is a callout and it is really difficult not to twist the truth in them even when they are written as formally as possible, HOWEVER while most of the time i disregard callouts (because a lot of them are written entirely based on personal bias because someone doesnt like someone else rather than on an actual need for people to be warned), this one was written very eloquently and very well. as someone who has been on that side of things, im really really proud of the people who contributed to it, especially those that werent afraid of giving their names out, because that is a really really hard thing to do, especially when its for someone really popular. i remember when i wrote one for daisy, i was almost sick to my stomach with the anxiety, and really pleasantly surprised when it was received much better than i expected. i am really proud of you guys, and thank you for letting me and everyone else know the truth of what happened.

however, that callout was not an attack, nor was it intended to be, and by people sending julie hate, youre just making the situation worse. i believe, in my personal opinion, that the best thing to do is to block and move on. we can come together as a community, and while julies actions wont go away, hopefully we can heal and understand from them. and i really want to thank manny for that post, because similarly to daisy, it is the people closest to the person in question who are left most in the dark. as julies friend, i had no idea about almost anything that was there and honestly, im glad now that i do. thank you for understanding that the people who associated with him are not always aware of what he did.

anyway this is really disorganized and im sorry, thats just my thoughts on the matter (as much as i can think anyway), and i hope it makes some sort of sense. i will be hardblocking julie on all of my blogs and changing the urls to both my izuku blog and my ouma blog and my icon for this blog. if you choose to continue to interact with julie, thats on you and i wont reprimand you, block you or unfollow you for it. please do not associate me with him anymore, though, add me to any groups anywhere with him, or tag me and him in the same posts.

and, as i said before, because i really want to get this point across, if you are uncomfortable with me because i interacted with him so much and so intimately and wish to hard or softblock or unfollow me, that is perfectly fine and i understand completely. i only ask if you softblock me that you let me know so that i dont accidentally follow you again, because i dont want to make anyone uncomfortable with my presence.

[fashiontrendin-blog]

At 30, I’ve Never Been in a Serious Relationship — and That’s Okay

http://fashion-trendin.com/at-30-ive-never-been-in-a-serious-relationship-and-thats-okay/

At 30, I’ve Never Been in a Serious Relationship — and That’s Okay

I’ve never had a serious relationship. By my count, I’ve never dated anybody for longer than two or three months. I’ve never called anybody my boyfriend, never introduced a partner to my family or friends and never said “I love you.” At 30 years old, I am the only person in my social circle who isn’t married or in a long-term relationship. And for the first time in my life, I am completely happy with that.

In my twenties, I developed a bit of a complex about my relationship status. The conversation would follow the same rough script each time. First, people would marvel at the fact that I was single, asking something along the lines of: “How are you not taken?” Which translates loosely to: “What’s secretly wrong with you that is undetectable to the naked eye?” I would shrug and say I didn’t know, because really, there is no satisfactory answer to that question. But that didn’t stop people from asking it, sometimes adding one word which would make it sting all the more: “How are you still single?”

It used to bother me. A lot. I’d think to myself: Well, what is wrong with me? I was attractive, clever, funny. It was just a case of waiting for the right person, I kept saying, both to myself and to those who kept asking. Of course, once you’ve said that, every person starts to look like the right person. Each time I met someone new, I would put pressure on myself to fall in love, to outlast the two-month mark this time, to finally make it into “serious relationship” territory.

In some instances, this sheer determination (which you can feel free to read as “desperation”) put guys off. In others, even my will to succeed wasn’t enough to overcome basic incompatibilities. This frustration was compounded by the fact that the world often feels as if it is designed for couples. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a special offer or competition for a meal for one?

But was I actually lonely, or was I just self-conscious? Did I really want to share my life with somebody, or did I simply not want to be an object of pity? When you’re single, the way you see your own love life is often colored by how you imagine other people perceive it. And it doesn’t help that movies and TV shows condition us to think about single people in specific terms, usually stereotypes: the lovelorn sad sack, the asshole bachelor, the crazy girl, the pathetic spinster.

With each passing year, my lack of baggage began to feel like baggage in and of itself. I used to lie and say that I’d once dated somebody for a year, believing a fabricated romantic history would be less of a red flag than the blank reality. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was far from alone in being alone.

This experience isn’t an uncommon one among LGBTQ people, who until very recently were unable to openly enact the same romantic norms as their peers, often missing the formative dating milestones of teenage life entirely and coming to them much later in life when they finally found their community. Growing up in isolation can result in a kind of prolonged adolescence, with queer people sometimes entering adulthood ill-equipped to articulate their desires and unpracticed in conducting what we might deem “serious” relationships.

Of course, chronic singlehood transcends sexuality or gender. The social, cultural and economic shifts that have all played a role in defining the millennial generation have also reshaped the dating landscape. Women’s autonomy and fertility might still be considered public domain by many, but in many cultures the societal pressure to marry young and have children is lessening. And thank god, because late capitalism makes the old path to matrimonial bliss a rocky one. Our grandparents might have gotten hitched, bought a home and started a family by their early twenties, but a great many of us 20- and 30-somethings are hustling our asses off just to make rent — and that can sometimes get in the way of romance.

Charlie, 30, finds the pace and cost of life in London prohibitive to dating. “Dating apps have made people feel so disposable, and this isn’t helped by how busy our lives our now, how much we work,” she says. “It’s hard enough to carve out time to see your closest friends, let alone date. Sometimes I feel like I can’t afford to date; the idea of going out, spending money I don’t really have on drinks with a guy is so stressful. I have to budget for that, and honestly, I’m probably going to get more joy from a new skirt on ASOS.”

Meanwhile Chris, 33, says that a “lack of permanence” in his career left him without the mental or emotional energy to put himself out there romantically: “My jobs have never felt stable, and in my last job, I survived seven rounds of layoffs before finally getting hit myself. I was more comfortable having the ability to pack up and move if needed; any dating I’ve done since school has just been coincidental, not from actively seeking it.”

With all of this attention on our careers, maybe it’s not so shocking that we’re still more likely to meet a new romantic partner in the workplace than we are on a dating app, according to research by ReportLinker. “If I look at my friends who are coupled up in long-term relationships, at least half of them met through work,” says Charlie. “It feels like if you don’t meet through your job or through mutual friends, it just isn’t happening.”

As a freelancer who works from home, my chances of an office romance are slim. But spending so much time alone has been infinitely useful, helping me become more comfortable in my own skin. Working to build a livelihood out of nothing has been a core, at times all-consuming, objective, and creating something that is entirely for my own fulfillment has given me the kind of self-worth that I had been unknowingly seeking from external sources. Now that my professional life is at a stage where I can allow myself the temporary indulgence of sitting back and taking stock, I see that it’s altered both the way I think about love and how I look at my history of short encounters.

A two-month dalliance can have its own emotional value. It shouldn’t be deemed a failure because it doesn’t lead to something more long-term — just like a short story shouldn’t be judged as a novel. I’ve learned to take the pressure off myself and enjoy the company of another person. Even if it’s just a brief fling, I still often end up learning something new about myself. Like a holiday romance, but at home. (Laycation?) And in between dating, I’ve traveled alone, pursued my own goals and invested time and energy in the meaningful relationships I am already fortunate to have with my friends and family.

“Good idea,” a friend recently said, after I told them about my new worldview. “You’ll meet somebody when you least expect it.” This twisting of my intentions didn’t surprise me — I’ve heard it before — but I had to clarify that my shift in perspective has nothing to do with rebranding my loneliness for the sake of finding love. In fact, I’m not doing much to find love at all right now, and that shouldn’t be considered transgressive. So much of the modern language surrounding romance frames the pursuit of marriage as a foregone conclusion — a given. It leaves no room for alternatives and tacitly paints single people as victims even when that’s not how we see ourselves. I’ve worked so hard to become happy with myself that now I want to just sit and enjoy that achievement. Alone.

I’ve found this extended single life to be incredibly freeing. It’s given me a chance to explore different possibilities and consider less “conventional” criteria for fulfillment. Marriage, monogamy and parenthood are fulfilling to a lot of people, but there are all kinds of ways to be happy.

I’ve never been in love, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have love in my life. I might not have made space in my life for a boyfriend, but I have been there for any friend or family member who needed me, and they have done the same in return. A romantic relationship may well be on the cards for me at some point in the future, but I’ve stopped searching for it on the horizon. I am enough.

Philip Ellis is a freelance writer and journalist from the U.K. You can follow him on Twitter @Philip_Ellis

Collage by Madeline Montoya.

http://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

[jmd303]

Ive decided to write this blog. Not because I want to be heard but because all i want is a release. A healthy release. To be happy. To feel something again and all my heart wants is to never feel alone.

Ill tell my story first. Over 3 months ago my life was perfect. Or in my opinion it was to me. I was powering through my second year of my building design course and had been dating a kind, gentle guy for the last 18 months. He was like no other guy I had dated before and he made me a better woman. More considerate and I stressed less with him. We loved eachother or atleast I thought we did. We never pushed anything on eachother and barely had fights and when we did disagree, the fights never lasted long because we both knew that loving eachother was more of a mission than fighting with eachother.

It was long distance relationship about 1 and a half hours from the CBD of town or 2 hours if from my house. And although it was tough, we made it work. We would drive to one another. Him more so than I because I was contracted to work alot of weekends although, i was determined to make time for him because he was so important to me. His flaws were that of mild selfishness and being a little bit of a know it all. And although those traits are annoying they were always masked beautifully with his charm and large vocabulary that would be able to manipulate any insult or fight in his favor or to be seen as the more mature person in the relationship. He was far from mature and although he was charming…. I always saw through it. That was both a skill and curse of mine. Sometimes I wish I just believed it all and didnt see any of his flaws but we are after all only human. Despite these mild flaws I still loved him no matter what. My heart raced when he looked at me and when he put his arms around me I felt safe and warm.

For a little while I noticed he was having a hard time at work and at home with his family. Mostly because they had made him feel bad for leaving to see me all the time and his sister had not developed a proper healthy social life that she became dependant on him which is understandable as thats what siblings are for. His job also was very demanding and long as he was a draftee for a large design production company. Pushing out floor plans was a mission to managers whereas my ex partner valued quality in work and wanted to ensure a better deal for his clients and for the designs to be structurally sound and worth the money spent. He was a hard worker and that was another trait I loved about him and boasted about with anyone when he was not in my presence. I could see he struggled to keep everyone happy and it put a weight on him but he powered on and all we spoke about was looking forward to everything being simple and being able to come home and kiss eachother and be there for one another. Although we never pushed any ideas of family and living arrangements we gradually fell into the arrangements of house inspections. It was so natural and not pushed and I was feeling more and more content with life.

Approximately 3 weeks before my schooling was coming to an end for the year my ex rang me after work. I was surprised he rang and thought it was gonna be another lovely phone call full of “i miss you” and “cant wait for the school holidays. Finally get more time and family events together”. He told me he was down. Struggling and didnt know what he wanted to do. I was very thrown and said ask over and over what he wanted and how I could help make his situation better. I started shaking when I realised he was leading up to a break up.. I asked him outright if he was breaking up with me…and to my surprise, he was.. He was very apologetic and felt the need to explain that he thought I was the perfect girl just a bad time scenario.. the moment I heard that I felt like such a sad cliche… Like in really bad movies with b grade actors that cried ugly. My heart was absolutely broken and he could not tell me or did not know why he needed to break up.. he just knew he needed time or change and was unsure if the issue was me, him or his current situation with everything else in life. I knew in my heart he just decided I wasnt worth it. I was the girl that just filled his emptyness that had been around since he graduated high school. Struggling to find a girl and then building his ego up when he got what he wanted… or atleast thats how I feel and felt as i heard his empty and unsure excuses.

Although I was angry. I was so soo angry at him part of me still felt so very much in love with him. And still do.. he was and still is not a bad guy deep down… Thats the hardest part of watching someone you love move on. Being inlove with them but, not being with them. You lurk his facebook and hope to get a text message begging to take you back and it never happens. It got to a point where I decided that I had to move on because my heart could not take anymore. 1 month passes and although I had high hopes he still did not want me back but, i maintained busy and looked forward to the future and that was when it happened…

To my shock I learned I fell pregnant to my ex boyfriend. It was not a recent pregnancy. It had already matured to 10 weeks in my belly by this point. The day I used the at home pregnancy test my heart dropped again for the second time. I had cried and screamed, yelling out for my mum and sister in hopes that I was dreaming and that my nightmare hadnt become true. The lonely pregnant spinster that was unloved and depressed. I cried alot and then got mad and I remember clearly thinking “that asshole led me on in our relationship, got me pregnant and left me to pick up the pieces”.

I laid in my bed, tossing and turning deciding what my next step would be. I read up on articles and went to my closest family members for advice and spoke to a counselor within the 24hrs of knowing. All were supportive on either end of the spectrum. Little did alot of people know I had a chemical abortion not long after high school with another ex boyfriend of mine with no other reason other than I was too young and had so much to live for, i gave up my first possible child. And had also gone through a miscarriage but had not known until after I had lost the baby. These life experiences played with my mind alot and I did the math and learned that I would be 6 months off 24 when this baby arrives. So many reasons for and against having this child came to play. Most of the ‘against’ reasons were that of me looking out for my ex boyfriends feelings and future. Funny how he treated me and I still felt like protecting him more than myself and more than my oncoming child. The fact that I still loved him clouded my decision that would be best for my conscious, heart and possibly future. How wrong is that!?

I decided enough was enough. I went to the 10 week ultrasound and there it was. A perfect little baby with a head, two hands and two legs. The baby was actively moving around, sucking its thumb and the moment I saw it I knew to my core I couldn’t give he or she up. I loved it and I didnt even think it was possible as I saw those types of woman as crazy nutjobs just wanting to have babies. I never understood why women could not give up something they had not yet physically seen or kissed goodnight or even built a relationship with…. until now. I knew with some health concerns that I would struggle to carry a child had I continued to delay it as I approached 30 years of age or longer (although it was never a serious concern of mine). The chemical abortion also did a little number on my uterus and if i did another one now  at 10 weeks it would be a more messy abortion and would result in scarring of my uterus tissue which is what the doctor warned me about… I then started to consider other life aspects as I was nearing the end of my design course with 6 months left. My car was large enough and other materialistic objects were not a worry with things like baby showers and government funding. Support was immense from family, friends and even work colleagues. Now the real question. Was I ready? Was i ready to tackle such a massive change in my life? Was I ready to tackle on my career and a child. Knowing full well that it was going to be absolutely hard in life. I wasnt sugar coating anything my head knew it was going to be the biggest game changer in my life. Being a single mum and trying to put my foot in the door in the workplace.

My dad reminded me of something and did not tell me in anyway what he wanted me to do nor did he help me make my mind up. All he did was sit with me and explain that all the women in our family, the mothers and mothers before them were all very strong women. Even the daughters were ones that would never show weakness and were the most hard working and made the most of any situation. Life has always thrown its darts my families way and we always seem to make it through because we are strong people and a strong family unit.

So despite my age, my marital status, life experience and readiness. I made the decision to keep the baby. Not based on those factors specifically but, based on my heart. It had gone through so much thus far that I could not for the life of me get rid of another child and feel later the guilt that is destroying life and apart of myself. The health of my uterus and the risk that I may not have many or no childen later on in life hit me hard. My decision was made up from many factors but ones things for sure, I did it with no one elses heart or future in mind other than my childs and mine. My ex had become a distant thought in my mind it was tough but, it had to be done.

After a couple of days I contacted my ex partner and told him the news. He took it well but, the moment I told him I was keeping it he went into a small panic and kept asking me “why”?!. Why?!.. I was so overwhelmed that I knew my reasons wouldn’t be understood by a man and especially not at that stage as I only just told him what I had planned on doing. Time was the key but, time was something he didnt want to wait for with knowing my reasoning.. Although it clicked in my head, I honestly did not need to explain myself to him. I mean why would I?, it was a decision I made when I was left on my own… looking back, when he was overwhelmed and felt bad for leaving me he too could not tell me his honest to heart reasons except for that he didnt know why and need to figure himself out. I just expected him to respect my decision as I did his when he chose to leave me. I was no crazy ex girlfriend. I was a respectful ex girlfriend and only wanted whats best for him. I figured he would have the decency to do the same. He could not.. It upset him and angered him, naturally. I honestly expected nothing less as it was a huge deal but, he behaved like someone i had never met before. He was no longer the guy I loved. He changed for the worse and became a real jerk. His selfishness amplified and I was made out to be selfish for the making this decision that I felt was important to my heart and body. Apparently that was a selfish thing to do in his eyes.. Its as if he didnt want me to have my health and happiness, he wanted me to do what was best for him despite the fact that I said he didnt need to be physically involved in the childs life. I was in no way tieing him down because I wanted him to be with the baby knowing he loved it and be with me because he knew he loved me. But that was all a dream and a hope at this stage. For now all I wanted was to take care of my child and myself. To be happy and healthy!

His indicated he wants nothing to do with our litte one and wants to travel the world and do things that make him happy. He claims being selfish is not a bad thing but to what extent is that not a bad thing?. With little to no communication efforts from him or his family and I feel as though he will forever regret this decision in life because I plan on raising the best damn kid in the world. I will be there for every Birthday, Christmas , Easter and family holiday. Im gonna show mini me the world and empower this little person so that he or she does not get treated poorly, is respectful and keeps its head held high. ❤