#lilith ag labhairt

[aphrosprite]

✧.* resolution *.✧

I decided this year I wouldn't make resolutions in December for the very start of the year. I said I'd let the year settle in first and see what it needed.

In terms of my inner critic, I've already failed. I had to ask for extra time on my thesis due to some pretty bad personal problems. I've gained a bunch of weight over the past year or so. I haven't made any art or done any other college work yet.

I feel pretty defeated. The weight thing especially gets me down, surprise surprise, afab body and all. I'm pretty short so it shows up quickly on me.

Here's the thing. Weight gain is fine and natural. It's just that, personally speaking, the last time I was this weight was the worst decade of my life. I was depressed, anxious, and my world was falling apart. I still have hormonal and mental health issues from it. So whether because of that or not, I don't like how this weight feels on my body. Whatever about the look, the feeling is bad. I feel physically weak and easily tired.

However, I'm also conscious that the aforementioned anxiety and hormone problems have kept me indoors a lot. I was resorting to emotional eating very often. That, combined with an overall pretty sedentary lifestyle, is why I'm here. Not a moral failing. It's just how it works.

So my resolution isn't to go and lose a bunch of weight and get a """""beach body""""". My resolution is to participate in the world more, and participate in my emotions too. That does include horrific, all-encompassing, oh-god-I'm-going-to-pass-out-in-Tesco fear.

But hey. In a deeply practical but not at all dismissive way, if there's something up with me that I would pass out in a Tesco, I probably need to know that. Sitting in my room festering and watching the world go by won't solve anything. I might lose weight, I might not. I might go on progesterone and see if that helps. Ultimately, I just want to be in the world again. Biking and running and strolling and staying out for hours and hours. Feeling strong and healthy and safe in a real way, not through little artifical controls. Then whatever is just a protective layer can fall away, and whatever is left, I can work on accepting.

[aphrosprite]

☽ ALSO!! ☾

Found an affordable glassblowing intro that I am 100% definitely going to try and go for!!! Now it's a) midsemester b) in the north and c) expensive, but one does wonder ☉-☉ An early birthday present combined with some savings could just do it. However I will need to start lifting weights to be fully ready...

[aphrosprite]

❈ thesis ❈

So my thesis is due next week, and I'm actually kind of enjoying it now. Honestly, researching witchcraft and the witch hunt has really done it for me. I love the theology and sociology of it all and I just hope I can do it justice. I'm one of those people who struggles with seeing college assignments as just assignments

[aphrosprite]

why is this formatted like "hey girlie1!! <3" mlm copy

[aphrosprite]

I was so sick of my semiperm red dye fading to a horrid pink

So I went for a red permanent dye

Colour I want?: Yes, fabulous

My waves n curls?: Perished. Limp. Dejected on the chaise lounge crying for sea air.

[aphrosprite]

me, having not gone outside for over a week now: janey mac wonder why I'm so anxious and dizzy

[aphrosprite]

✶ HOLY SHIT IT'S ACTUALLY FINAL WEEK ✶

I'm putting the pedal to the metal here to make sure the only reason I wouldn't get a good work is pure spite. Art tutors are notoriously mercurial when they're evaluating, so I'm giving them everything they could want and just hoping.

I'm super proud of my work this year though! Its the first time I really truly feel that I've done the work the way I want it, and that I'm proud of it. That does also mean I need to gear up a wee bit to defend it, not only with my own tutors, but with an extern too.

Written assignments are all in except for one which requires me to be set up already, which I'll be doing across Tuesday and Wednesday.

Might even post some of the work here, who knows.

[aphrosprite]

♔ sleepless nights and flights of fancy ♔

That's been the basic shape of my last few days around college. Everything is so crazy coming up to assessment and my confidence is wavering a little. I'm dreaming about escape so much- it's hard not to when it's down to the wire like this.

Worse even, I've had so little time to practice. I tried centring and grounding earlier today and I just couldn't seem to do it- my mind was racing too much to form any real connections.

It's a walls-closing-in kind of a time. Everyone in my course is het up and sensitive and I'm feeling a bit raw in the middle of it all. Not to mention the cold and the dark- I love frosty winter mornings, so dearly, but it's been a tough transition even so.

I knew the lovely vibrant energy I picked up from being home a few weeks back was temporary, everything ebbs and flows, but I still miss it.

It's hard to develop self-discipline from the place I'm in currently. This might not be the time for that- I might just need to keep rolling until next Thursday's big assessment.

All my love and support to anyone else out there doing their exams or assessments, it's a hell of a time and just being here is an achievement! ✩

[aphrosprite]

☽ some thoughts on the 'goths should only listen to goth music' thing ☾

I think that made a lot more sense back in the age of physical media, when buying your music was much more of an investment, therefore a more direct form of support to the musician? If I'm a goth in the 80s and I spend maybe 10 of my euros on an album on cassette, that's a full 10 euros I've devoted to that group. Sure, they don't see every cent of it, but the symbolic act is there. In 2023, if I spend 11 euros on [service redacted because no promo here], I then have an entire month of all the music contained on said redacted service, so the symbolic act is kind of weakened even if I only listen to one kind of music. I know it's also just a subcultural preservation thing, but still.

[aphrosprite]

❂ AND THEY'RE IN ❂

My goddamned draft chapters are in! I've still got intro and conclusion to write, but I'm planning to sneakily plan those during class tomorrow and then bang them out before Friday.

I'm travelling to see my partner around the same time that it's meant to start snowing this week, so I'm hoping for a cute kickoff to the Christmas season. I'm gonna have to keep reading while he's working from home, but hopefully? Cheeky bitta Sims 4 on the sly

side note: why does cultivating healthy hair require me to look like a drowned rat so often

[aphrosprite]

𖤓gemini cricket𖤓

I was struggling so hard with this thesis chapter of mine (two weeks late, eek), but now it just seems to be falling out of me, which is pretty nice. How coherent it may be is yet to be seen.

However, I do always find myself going a bit intellectually loopy around these lovely airy moons. Right in time for assessment season too! I'm very excited!