#listen. love the divorce. love the new character dynamics. WHY did you pull us back???

[my-thoughts-and-junk]

just finished season 3 and i have. thoughts.

[cathygeha]

REVIEW

The Vineyard at Painted Moon by Susan Mallery

 Emotion laden, deeply moving, intensely poignant, well crafted – this story grabbed me and didn’t let me go till I finished at 3am. I felt so much and at times wanted to jump into the pages to “fix” things knowing that the author would bring things right for at least some of the characters by the end of the book…or at least I hope she would! This is a story of love, loss, growth, endurance, values, goals and family. It is a keeper and one I would reread in the future.

 What I liked:

* Mackenzie:  dedicated, focused, interesting. She has been stymied for a while and may need to move on from the safe haven she has lived within for over a decade and a half. She has a rough time of it but comes through rather brilliantly in the end.

* Catherine: sister-in-law to Mackenzie, loving, kind, in tune with the earth, grounded, warm, creative…really liked her.

* Stephanie: sister-in-law to Mackenzie, divorced, mother of two teens, stuck in a rut and trying to move forward but it isn’t easy for her to do so. She is Mackenzie’s best friend and has been since college.

* Bruno: wealthy, attractive, investor, wine distributor, and intriguing. He is warm, a good friend, caring, communicates brilliantly and is perfect for the woman he ends up with.

* Kyle: a good father, professional, a bit selfish…divorced from Stephanie and father of her children

* Rhys: not a bad guy, married to Mackenzie, wants what is best for both of them, a bit heavy handed at times and sometimes rather clueless…and also selfish, perhaps.

* Georgio: a good man, loving, kind, generous, and perfect for the right woman – the boyfriend of Barbara (mother-in-law of Mackenzie)

* The close relationships that were friendly, warm, and caring.

* That there was growth in a number of characters.

* The dynamics between various individuals and groups.

* The way verbalization of feelings, thoughts, and insight into the characters

* Learning a bit more about the winemaking business.

* The setting – love that area of the world!

* All of it really except…

 What I didn’t like:

* Barbara: I won’t give details but if you read the book you will probably feel the same

* Lori: daughter of Barbara and quite a bit like her, I fear.

* The sadness I felt as I empathized with Mackenzie.

 Did I enjoy this book? Yes

Would I read more by this author? Definitely

 Thank you to NetGalley and Harlequen (HQN) for the ARC – This is my honest review.

 5 Stars

BLURB

MacKenzie Dienes's life isn't perfect, but it's as close as she could ever hope to get. Her marriage to Rhys, her best friend's brother, is more friendship than true love. But passion is highly overrated, right? And she loves her job as the winemaker at Bel Apres, her in-laws' vineyard. So what if it's a family business and, even after decades of marriage and incredible professional success, she's still barred from the family business meetings? It's all enough...until one last night spent together leads to an incredibly honest—and painful—conversation. Rhys suggests that they divorce. They haven't had a marriage in a long time and, while he wants her to keep her job at Bel Apres, he doesn't think they should be married any longer. Shocked, MacKenzie reels at the prospect of losing the only family she's ever really known...even though she knows deep in her heart that Rhys is right.

But when MacKenzie discovers she's pregnant, walking away to begin a new life isn't so easy. She never could have anticipated the changes it would bring to the relationships she cherishes most: her relationship with Barbara, her mother-in-law and partner at Bel Apres, Stephanie, her sister-in-law and best friend, and Bel Apres, the company she's worked so hard to put on the map.

MacKenzie has always dreamed of creating a vineyard of her own, a chance to leave a legacy for her unborn child. So when the opportunity arises, she jumps at it and builds the Vineyard at Painted Moon. But following her dreams will come at a high price—one that MacKenzie isn't so sure she's willing to pay…

  EXTRACT

Chapter One

“Not that what you’re wearing isn’t great, but the party starts in an hour.”

Mackenzie Dienes looked up from the grapevine she’d been studying, her mind still on the tight clusters of small, hard grapes that would, come late September, be ripe and sweet and ready for harvest. Between now and then, she would monitor their progress, willing them to greatness and protecting them from danger, be it mold, weather or hungry deer.

She blinked at the man standing in front of her, tall and familiar, with an easy smile and broad, capable shoulders.

“Party?” she asked, letting her thoughts of the vineyards go and remembering that, yes, indeed, it was the evening of the annual Solstice Party, hosted by the Barcellona family. As she was a Barcellona, by marriage if not by name, she would be expected to attend.

Wanted to attend, she reminded herself. It was always a good time, and Stephanie, her sister-in-law, worked hard to make it a perfect night.

“The party,” she repeated, her voice slightly more panicked this time, then glanced down at herself. “Crap. What time is it?”

Rhys, her husband, shook his head. “You really don’t listen when I talk, do you? We have an hour. You’ll be fine.”

She pulled off her gloves and shoved them into the left front pocket of her coveralls, then stepped behind Rhys and gave him a little push toward the flatbed truck he’d driven out to the west vineyards.

“You say that because all you have to do is shower and get dressed. I have to do the girl thing.”

“Which takes you maybe ten minutes.” He put his arm around her as they hurried toward the truck. “Happy with the grapes?”

“I think so,” she said, glancing toward the healthy vines growing on either side of them. “We might have to do some thinning in a couple of weeks, but so far, so good.”

As they slid onto the bench seat of the old truck, he glanced at her. She smiled, knowing there was a fifty-fifty chance he would call her out on her thinning statement. He was, after all, the vineyard manager. Technically all the decisions about the vineyard were made by him with her input, but not her instruction. As winemaker, she managed the grapes from the moment they were picked until the wine was bottled.

But at Bel Après, areas of responsibility often overlapped. Theirs was a large, boisterous family in which everyone had opinions. Not that Mackenzie listened to a lot of other ideas when it came to her wines, although as Rhys often pointed out, she was very free offering hers when it came to his work.

He drove along the dirt path that circled the vineyard, stopping by her truck. She slid into the cab, then followed him back to the family compound. The main road leading into Walla Walla was thick with tourists who wanted to enjoy the longest day of the year. She merged into the slow-moving traffic, doing her best to keep from glancing at the clock on the truck’s dashboard as she inched along.

Vineyards stretched out on either side of the road, flat on the left and rising toward the hills on the right. Bright green leaves topped sturdy trunks that had been carefully trained to grow exactly as she wanted them to. The rows were long and neat, and the spaces between them were filled with native grasses that held in moisture and protected the roots from the heat.

Looking at her healthy crop kept her mind off the fact that she and Rhys were going to be desperately late.

Twenty minutes later, she followed him off the highway onto a less crowded secondary road—a back way home. Five minutes after that, they parked the trucks by the processing buildings behind the big tasting room. Rhys had already claimed one of the golf carts the family used to get around. She slid in next to him and they took off toward the center of the property.

Bel Après Winery and the surrounding land had been in the Barcellona family for nearly sixty years. Rhys and his siblings were third-generation. The original main house had been updated several times. When Rhys and Mackenzie had married, Barbara, Rhys’s mother, had suggested they build themselves a house close to hers, rather than commute from town. Eager to stay in the good graces of her new mother-in-law, Mackenzie had agreed.

A large two-story home had been built. Barbara and Mackenzie had decorated every room, the act of choosing everything from light fixtures to doorknobs cementing their affection for each other.

A few years later, Stephanie, the second of Barbara’s four children, had gotten a divorce and moved back home with her two kids, requiring another house to be constructed. When the youngest of the three girls had married, the last house had been added. Only Lori, the middle daughter, still lived in the original home.

All four houses faced a huge central courtyard. Mexican pavers were shaded by vine-covered pergolas. The extended family used the space for big dinners and as a kids’ play area. If one of the women baked cookies, a cookie flag was hung out the front door, inviting anyone to stop by. At Christmas, a large tree was brought in from Wishing Tree, and for the annual Summer Solstice Party, dozens of long tables were brought in to seat the two hundred or so guests.

Rhys swung the golf cart behind the large main house, circling counterclockwise. Normally he would cut across the courtyard, but with all the party preparations, he had to go the long way. He pulled up at the rear entrance to their house and they dashed inside.

Mackenzie paused to unlace her boots and left them in the mudroom. Rhys did the same. They raced up the stairs together, separating at the landing to head to their individual en suite bedrooms.

Once in her bathroom, she started the shower. Thankfully, she’d already picked out the dress she would wear. She raced through a shower. After she dried off, she wrapped her hair in a towel and dug out the scented body lotion Rhys had given her a couple of years ago. Why anyone would want to smell like coconut and vanilla was beyond her, but he liked it.

She walked into the large closet and opened her underwear drawer. To the right were all the sensible bikini panties she usually wore—to the left were the fancier ones for special occasions. She chose a black pair and slipped them on, then went to the second drawer and looked for the matching push-up bra. When it and the pads were in place and doing the best they could with her modest curves, she pulled on a robe and returned to the bathroom.

After plugging in her hot rollers, it took her only a few minutes to apply eyeliner and mascara. She was flushed from the day working outside, so she didn’t bother with any other makeup.

Her hair took a lot longer. First she had to dry the dark red shoulder-length waves, then she had to curl them. While the rollers were in place, she searched for a pair of black high-heel sandals that wouldn’t leave her crippled by the end of the night.

Those found, she opened her small jewelry box and pulled out her wedding set, sliding both the engagement ring and the wedding band into place on her left hand. Diamond stud earrings followed. She’d barely stepped into her sleeveless black dress when Rhys walked into the closet, fully dressed in black slacks and a dark gray shirt.

She sighed when she saw him. “See. You have it so much easier than me.”

“Yes, but in the end, you’re more beautiful. That should be worth something.”

“I’d rather have the extra time.”

She turned, presenting him with her back. He pulled up the zipper, then bent to collect her shoes. They retreated to her bathroom and together began removing the curlers.

“We’re late,” Mackenzie said, catching sight of his watch. “Your mom is going to be all snippy.”

“She’ll be too busy welcoming her guests.” The last of the curlers was flung onto the counter. Mackenzie fluffed her hair, then pointed to the bedroom.

“Retreat,” she said, reaching for the can of hair spray.

Rhys ducked to safety. She sprayed the curls into submission before running into the bedroom to escape the death cloud. Rhys was on the bench at the foot of the large bed. She sat next to him and quickly put on her shoes.

“Done,” she said, pausing to reacquaint herself with the seldom-used skill of walking in heels.

She grabbed her husband’s wrist. “Seven fifteen. Barbara’s going to kill us.”

“She’s not. I’m her only son and you’re just plain her favorite.”

“We weren’t ready exactly at seven. I can already hear the death-march music in my head. I want to be buried on Red Mountain.”

Rhys chuckled as he led the way downstairs. “In the vineyard? I’m not sure your decaying body is going to be considered organic.”

“Are you saying I’m toxic?” she asked with a laugh as they walked toward the front door.

“I’m saying you’re wonderful and I’d like us to have a good night.”

There was something in his tone, she thought, meeting his gaze. She’d known this man her entire adult life. They’d met over Christmas her freshman year of college. Her roommate, his sister Stephanie, had dragged Mackenzie home to meet the family. Grateful not to have to spend the holiday by herself, Mackenzie had gone willingly and had quickly found herself falling not only for her best friend’s hunky older brother but for the entire Barcellona family and the vineyards they owned. Barbara had been like a surrogate mother, and the vineyards, well, they had been just as magical as Rhys’s sexy kisses.

Now she studied her husband’s expression, seeing the hint of sadness lurking behind his easy smile. She saw it because she hid the same emotion deep inside herself. The days of stealing away for sexy kisses were long gone. There were no lingering looks, no intimacy. They had a routine and a life, but she was less sure about them still having a marriage.

“I’d like that, too,” she murmured, knowing he wasn’t asking them not to fight. They never did. Harsh words required a level of involvement they simply didn’t have anymore.

“Then let’s make that happen,” he said lightly, taking her hand in his and opening the front door.

  AUTHOR BIO

#1 NYT bestselling author Susan Mallery writes heartwarming, humorous novels about the relationships that define our lives―family, friendship, romance. She's known for putting nuanced characters in emotional situations that surprise readers to laughter. Beloved by millions, her books have been translated into 28 languages. Susan lives in Washington with her husband, two cats, and a small poodle with delusions of grandeur. Visit her at SusanMallery.com.

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Q and A with Susan Mallery on The Vineyard at Painted Moon

 1.      Where did inspiration for the book come from?

 The Vineyard at Painted Moon was really inspired by the gorgeous wine country of Washington State. My readers have told me that they love when my books have wish-you-were-there settings, like the tulip farms in Secrets of the Tulip Sisters and the monastery-turned-mansion of The Summer of Sunshine and Margot. So I knew I wanted to set my next hardcover somewhere that would give readers a beautiful, scenic escape—and this was well before I knew the book would come out during a pandemic, when we’re all trapped at home a lot more than usual.

 So I started daydreaming about beautiful settings, and I landed on Washington wine country. Breathtaking. Seriously, look it up.

 Every evening before dinner, Mr. Mallery and I have a glass of wine together and tell one another about our day. This daily ritual makes us feel close and connected even when life gets hectic, and it has led us to learn more about how wine is made. I thought it could be really interesting to write about a female winemaker, because this is still very much a male-dominated field. I asked myself, “What is the worst thing that could happen to a winemaker?”

 “What if,” I thought, “she lost the land she loved?”

 And not because of fire or natural disaster, but because of an emotional earthquake—Mackenzie Dienes is the winemaker at a family winery. But it’s her husband’s family. . . and their marriage is in trouble. She could stay if she’s willing to be nothing more than an employee for the rest of her life. But if she wants something more, something of her own, she’ll have to be brave.

 The Vineyard at Painted Moon is the story of Mackenzie’s search for happiness and self-fulfillment after divorce. With some pretty spectacular scenery thrown in. Oh, and wine. Lots and lots of wine.

 2.      What are your favourite scenes? Why?

 This is a tricky question for me to answer without spoilers, because my favorite scenes are the emotional turning points of the story. I don’t really want to reveal them here, as I think readers will want to experience them on their own. I will answer, but it’s going to be vague and somewhat frustrating. Teasers, rather than spoilers.

 I love the scene where Mackenzie and Rhys realize that their marriage is over. (That doesn’t count as a spoiler, since it’s revealed on the back cover of the book.) The way they come to the realization and move through the scene is completely unexpected and unlike any breakup scene I’ve ever written—or read, for that matter. It’s heartbreaking and poignant and beautiful and even a little funny. If you have a heart, it’ll make you cry. I think readers are going to fall in love with Rhys even as Mackenzie is accepting that she’s not in love with him anymore.

 One of my other favorite scenes is one that I’m not sure will stand out as much in readers’ minds. It’s a scene in which Mackenzie finds out just how highly she is esteemed by her colleagues in the wine world. She never knew. She never thought of working anywhere but the family winery—she was just so grateful to have a family through her husband, since she had none of her own. In this scene, nothing really changes but her perception—of herself, and of how people perceive her—but perception is reality. Suddenly, Mackenzie realizes that she has options. She can dare to dream.

 And that changes everything.

 3.      What was the hardest scene to write and why?

 At the risk of repeating myself, that scene in which Mackenzie and Rhys finally acknowledge that their marriage is over was certainly one of the hardest to write. The emotional intricacies of the situation were incredibly nuanced. I had to get it exactly right. Rhys is not a point-of-view character, so the whole scene is told from Mackenzie’s perspective, but I wanted the reader to understand and empathize with Rhys, as well. It’s a deeply emotional scene, and I’m very curious to see how readers will respond to it.

 4.      Do you have advice for me wanting to write in the same genre?

 Never give up. There are a lot of very talented writers who will never be published simply because they gave up trying. You never know if the next book will be the one. You have to want it enough to keep going.

 5.      Where did the idea for the title come from? It’s so original.

 Thank you! I almost never come up with the titles for my own books. My file names are just the first name of the main character, so the working title on this book was Mackenzie. When it’s time to title the book, the whole team makes suggestions—my editor, agent, assistant, the marketing department. It’s trickier now than it’s ever been because I’ve written a lot of books, and we don’t want the titles to be too similar. And yet they have to appeal to the same audience.

 All that said, I was the one to suggest The Vineyard at Painted Moon. I thought it would be appropriate to feature the beautiful setting in the title, since it plays such an important role in the book. I’m glad you like it!

 6.      Who is your favorite character and why?

 I love Stephanie and Four, Rhys’s sisters and Mackenzie’s best friends. They’re the kind of friend that every woman should have—and that every woman should be. Close female friendships are a hallmark of my books. In The Vineyard at Painted Moon, the friendships were especially complex because they were also sisters-in-law. . . soon to be exes. But at the end of the day, this truly is Mackenzie's story, so she would be the favorite.

 7.      What is your favorite book genre to read?

 For the most part, I read what I write—women’s fiction and romance. I’m not into thrillers or anything that involves violence and murder. I’m much more interested in emotional drama, in the inherent conflict between people who want different things.

[gra-sonas]

A Kiss a Decade in the Making

Pairing: Malex, Alex Manes/Michael Guerin

Words: 4.8K | Rating: T | On AO3

"Is Jenna going to schedule snogging rehearsals for us?”

Alex smiles at him.

“It’s a fair question to ask. How do we, two people who’ve only just met, play two men who’ve been in love for a decade?"

Initially, the story stems from the question how the actors - who hadn't met before filming the pilot - may have worked out the 'logistics' of the Malex kiss in 1x01, and whether there was something like a snogging rehearsal. Any similarities between the characters and the actual actors are - of course - purely coincidental. ;)

A couple of dialogue snippets from the original Roswell New Mexico 1x01 script have made their way into the fic, they are displayed in a 𝚍𝚒𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚗𝚝.

This fic has been sitting in my WIP folder for months and initially I had no plans to ever post it, but thanks to the wonderful encouragement and helpful beta works of @i-never-look-away​ & @cosmiceverafter​, here it is. Love you, guys! ♥

~*~

When they get up to leave showrunner Jenna Cameron’s office, there’s a moment of hesitation as they arrive at the door at the same time. Michael takes the initiative and opens the door. He can’t help himself and bends his knee in a ridiculous half curtsy while he gestures at Alex to walk out first. Alex looks slightly bewildered for a moment but then he smiles.

“Thank you, Michael.”

Michael perks up. Not many people call him Michael, there are way too many Michaels in the world, that’s why he goes by Guerin everywhere.

“You can call me Guerin, it’s what everyone does.”

Alex nods.

“I’ll think about it. I like it though. Michael. It’s a good name. Suits you.”

He walks off and leaves a stunned Michael behind. What does that even mean, he’ll  think about it? Michael’s just a name. Not a bad name, he also considers it a lucky name, after all it has landed him a role that could very well be his first leading role in a major network TV show. At least that’s what he likes to think.

For that to happen, the show just needs to get picked up to series. After reading the script and hearing Jenna talk about what she envisions, he’s even more confident that the show has great potential. If they are going to do this right, they will be picked up.

Doing it right is the thing though. He already loves Mikel Rath, sees a lot of himself in him, and a lot of things he can at least relate to. The quick wit, the anger issues, the sarcastic and funny side of him.

There’s just one thing he’s unsure about. The thing with Alistair. The Alistair & Mikel thing. He wonders what their moniker would be? Milistair? Or Alikel? Do they have to come up with one themselves, or will they leave that to the fans? He makes a mental note to ask Jenna about it.

Michael has a bunch of LGBTQ friends, he’s even part of the community himself (although he’s never acted on it, which sometimes makes him feel like he’s not allowed to claim membership), and he’s lived in LA long enough to be aware of the significance of LGBTQ representation on screen. He knows how important this relationship is going to be to many people. How important it is to get it right. From what Jenna’s just told them, she has a lot in mind for these two characters, but only if there’s going to be a show Aliens of New Mexico .

The pilot only gives them one shot at selling it. It won’t just be on their shoulders alone, of course, Liz and Max will have to do most of the heavy lifting with their characters, but he has a feeling that this Alistair and Mikel thing will still play a vital role in TV executives making a decision that could change his life forever.

Michael takes a deep breath and slowly walks back to his trailer. On the way he recalls the meeting he had with Jenna and Alex. Jenna’s awesome, he’s met her before back in LA, and she’s also responsible for hiring him. He met Alex for the first time in Jenna’s office just now, though. He hasn’t had much time to get to know the man yet.  

Alex had been earnest during their meeting, notes written in the margins of his script and post-its marking some pages. He’d asked Jenna a lot of questions during their read through of the Alistair & Mikel scenes.

It had been interesting to listen to an experienced TV actor asking all these questions. Michael had never been an avid watcher of  Charming Young Deceivers, but even he had heard about Gemma & Mic’s popularity. Referred to as  Gemic by fans, they’d been crowned Best TV Couple in almost every online poll for several years, and Alex Manes had won three Teen Choice Awards for his portrayal of Mic, plus two others with his co-star for Best Couple. They’d also won three awards for Best Kiss. So, no pressure.

When Michael had found out that Alex Manes would play Alistair, he’d almost felt a bit giddy because he instantly knew what face went with the name.

He’d then done what he imagined most people would've done in his position: he’d gone and looked up Alex Manes in news and on social media. Since Instagram seemed to be his personal favorite, he went there first. Impressive follower count, very curated content (gorgeous photos though), cute dog (a beagle called Buffy, Alex had tagged her ‘Love of my Life’ in several photos). Alex seemed like an interesting guy who was not only very photogenic, but also had great taste in interior design, music, and he loved to travel. Michael had been looking forward to meeting him.

Then he’d read Alex’s Wikipedia entry. Like the character he was about to play, he came from a military family, his parents got divorced when Alex was in middle school and he’d grown up with his mom, while his three older brothers had stayed with their dad. He’d filmed a couple of indie movies and to Michael’s surprise, had released a number of singles. Michael’d listened to all of them and really liked them. One song had stood out to him in particular, a duet with Rosa Ortecho, a household name in the LA indie music scene. Michael was impressed.

Reading about the incident in Afghanistan, where Alex had been visiting US troops and lost part of his leg when their convoy had been attacked, had made Michael swallow hard. He’d then gone back to Alex’s Instagram account and looked through some of his more recent pictures. Now that Michael was aware of what had happened, he’d noticed a crutch in the background of some of the pictures. And there was a photo of Alex in a German military hospital, a beautiful dark-haired woman (probably his mom) by his side.  

Now that they’ve met, Michael is not sure what to think of Alex, who seems to be so much more than the handful of “facts” Michael had gathered from the internet. Alex had been nothing but friendly during their meeting with Jenna, he’d often looked at Michael, had tried to include him in the conversation (it had seemed like he’d been aware that Michael didn’t come with the same kind of TV experience under his belt as he did), had asked him questions, had listened with great attention when Michael spoke.  

All things considered it had been a great meeting. It had given Michael much needed input to get a better idea of the Alistair & Mikel dynamic. And yet her he is, still feeling somewhat insecure about it.

There’s one line in the pilot script that stood out to him in particular when he read the script for the first time, and it’s been nagging him ever since. 

𝚆𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚗𝚘 𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚘𝚏 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚜𝚝 𝚖𝚘𝚟𝚎, 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚖𝚞𝚜𝚌𝚕𝚎 𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚢 𝚜𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎 -- 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢’𝚛𝚎 𝙺𝙸𝚂𝚂𝙸𝙽𝙶

Muscle memory springing to life? How are they going to pull  that off when they barely know each other?

When Michael reaches his trailer, he looks around. Max’s trailer is to his left, Isobel’s trailer is to his right, Liz is right across from him. Valenti’s trailer’s right to Liz’s, and if memory serves him right, Alex’s trailer is to Liz’s left.

With just an idea in his mind, Michael crosses the short distance and knocks on the door of Alex’s trailer.

“Come in.”

Michael opens the door and is hit by a waft of warm air that smells rather nice. He quickly enters the trailer and closes the door behind him. He looks around and although they’ve all arrived in Albuquerque just 48 hours ago, Alex’s trailer already looks very cozy and lived in.  

A set of what must be scented candles is burning, set on a wooden plate on the sideboard in front of the big mirror. Something slow and jazz-y is playing over two small speakers, and Alex, clad in gray sweat pants and a soft looking baby blue hoodie, lounges on the recliner, a beautifully patterned quilt in earthy colors draped over his lower legs.  

He’s looking up at Michael, carefully placing a bookmark in the pilot episode script he'd been reading when Michael entered the trailer, before he places it on the table in front of him.

“Michael, good to see you. Can I offer you some tea?”

Michael is not much of a tea drinker, but it’s cold in Albuquerque this time of the year, and if Alex’s already offering to make tea, this could be a much-needed bonding experience. He smiles.

“That would be great, thanks. Can I help?”

His mom Mara has raised him right, he never expects people to just serve him, but Alex is already up and heads over to the small kitchen area. He busies himself with boiling water and placing cookies in a ceramic bowl. He looks over at Michael.

“Sit down and make yourself comfortable. Are you warm enough? I can turn up the heating some more if you’re cold?”

Michael plops down on the comfy chair offered to him and shakes his head.

“Thanks, I’m naturally running hot, I’m good.”

That remark earns him a raised brow from Alex. No kidding, Alex Manes is capable of raising just one brow. It gives his face something almost diabolic for a second, until one corner of his mouth twitches and he smirks.

“You’re running hot, huh? Good to know.”

Michael blushes. He honest to god blushes. Holy shit. Is Alex Manes  flirting with him? He’s not sure. Alex is so different from his group of friends and the people he’s worked with in the past. They are usually just taking the shit out of him (and vice versa). With Alex it's all new and unknown terrain.  

He’s being pulled out of his thoughts when Alex returns to the table and puts a mug of steaming tea in front of him. And of course, he doesn’t just place it on the wooden table, he’s putting a  coaster  underneath. Because Alex Manes is a cultivated man who brings his own quilt, scented candles and fucking  coasters  to a 3-week-shoot in the desert.

Michal is impressed, but also intimidated. His usual crowd is loud and rambunctious, and it suits his outgoing personality perfectly. Alex is only three months older than him, but he almost feels like an insecure kid meeting a man of the world. He shakes off that mental image and waits until Alex is snuggled up under his quilt again before he takes a cookie. It’s chocolate chip, and it tastes divine .

“Holy shit, these are amazing. Where did you get them? I have to buy three boxes.”

Alex chuckles.

“I don’t usually do orders, but I can give you the recipe, they’re quite easy to make.”

Michael is in awe. He loves food more than almost anything in the world, and he knows his way around a stove or oven. He’ll figure out a way to make these cookies.

“Didn’t take you for a baker, but you sure know what you did with these. They are incredible. I’d love the recipe. I’ll send it to my mom. She’ll be so excited.”

He must’ve said the right thing, because Alex’s smile turns warm and genuine for the first time since they’ve met.

“Moms, right?”

Michael couldn’t agree more and nods enthusiastically. He picks up his mug.

“To amazing moms.”

Alex picks up his mug and toasts back.

“To amazing moms.”

They both sip some tea and for a moment the music in the background is the only sound in the trailer. Michael is careful to place his mug on its coaster before he picks up the conversation again.

“Okay, now that we’ve established that we’re both momma’s boys, I hope we can take it from there and get to know each other better and maybe build something for our Alistair and Mikel dynamic. What do you think?”

He’s nervous all of a sudden. Alex is an experienced actor, he’s been doing this professionally for more than a decade. When Michael sees Alex’s face soften, he’s feeling better immediately.

“I think that’s a great idea. There’s this one sentence in the script that shows how close they are, or at least how close they must've been at some point, and I think it would be good to find that closeness somehow. And then we’re going to show the execs what a kiss a decade in the making looks like.”

Michael laughs.

“You won’t believe it, but that’s been my thought process on my way from Jenna’s office to your trailer. I mean, Liz and Max still have the biggest responsibility to convince the higher ups, but in my opinion, Alistair and Mikel are just as important and as much of a selling point.”

Encouraged by Alex nodding in agreement, Michael continues.

"The scene you mentioned, is our springboard, that’s the moment where the audience has to realize that this isn’t just a spur of the moment thing. These two men have history. We may not know about that history yet, but it has to be clear that they know each other. It’s really helpful for me that Jenna wrote that bit about muscle memory into the script. The question is, how do we get to a point where we look like we’ve done this before? Is Jenna going to schedule snogging rehearsals for us?”

Alex bursts out laughing. On the one hand Michael’s delighted that he’s managed to make Alex laugh, on the other hand that he’s worried he’s made a stupid suggestion.

“Uhm, sorry if that was dumb. I’m just a very hands-on guy. I often approach my roles from as much of a physical perspective as I do from the emotional perspective of my character.”

Alex smiles at him.

“You didn’t say anything dumb. It’s a fair question to ask. How do we, two people who’ve only just met, play two men who’ve been in love for a decade? I want this to be every bit of convincing and true to these characters as you. In all honesty, I might have an even bigger interest in it, given that I’m part of the community who will watch this part of the show very closely.”

Michael knows that Alex is gay, in his research he’s found articles and an interview that had been released after Charming Young Deceivers ended. Media and fans alike had been in a frenzy over the coming out, especially after Alex had been part of one of the most beloved  straight  couples in TV history.  

Michael looks at Alex as open and honest as he feels.

“I’m bi myself, so this story means a lot to me, too. I want to do it justice, and I want to do right by a community I know is marginalized in many, many ways. They -  we -  deserve me giving it my all. And that’s what I want to do.  That’s what the script demands. And I think Alistair and Mikel have the potential to be as important and relevant as Liz and Max’s characters. Maybe even more so.”

Michael’s run out of breath at this point, something that barely ever happens, but this is important to him, and he hopes Alex understands what he means. Going by the look on Alex’s face, he does. His eyes seem to glisten, but maybe it’s just a trick of light.

Alex clears his throat and takes another sip from his mug.

“You know, I’ve had the hardest time making the decision whether to take on this role. After seven years on my previous show and coming out after we wrapped, I took a year off. I just needed a break from pretending to be someone I’m not for way too long. The media just always assumed I had to be straight because I played a straight guy on TV. I knew it was risky to come out when the show ended, it could’ve ended my career as well, but I couldn’t live the lie by omission my life had become any longer. I did a lot of soul searching and focused on myself. I was at a point where I didn’t know if I should continue to work in this business, when the accident happened. After that, I didn't know if I  could continue to work in this business. I’m sure you know enough about the industry to understand how hard it is as an able-bodied, assumed-straight, assumed white male actor.”

Michael nods, he knows all too well how hard it is. He’s been driving Uber and Lyft for more than a year to make ends meet, and as a talented mechanic, he’d also done the odd car repair job for friends or people recommended to him for extra cash, he’d spent on more acting classes.

Alex puts his mug down and rubs at his eyes with the palms of his hands before he looks at Michael again, his gaze intense.

“Well, after playing a straight white guy for years, people now know that Alex Manes is actually a gay man, who’s half Native American, and also disabled. I’ve worked my way up in LA for years, until my name was one casting people and show execs would recognize. Expectations were always high, but the longer  Deceivers  went on, the pressure to replicate the success got bigger every year, and the media wanted to be fed with the same narrative over and over again. Especially in regards to my personal life.”

Alex shakes his head, probably thinking about gossip magazine headlines questioning whether his female co-star of seven years and him were banging in real life. Michael shudders in sympathy.

“When the show ended, I just couldn’t continue and pretend to be the guy they wanted to write about. If someone had asked me one more time what my dream girl would have to be like, I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t have committed a murder. And now they know that I’m really not that guy."

Alex points at the script on the table.

“When I got this, I’d more or less made my peace with the idea of never being able to act again, while simultaneously worrying about what to do with my life instead. This role, this story, came at the right time. I read the script and I knew immediately that I wanted to play Alistair. That – to a degree – I  am  Alistair.”

Alex takes a steadying breath.

“I’m not going to make this about me all the time, don’t worry, but I wanted you to know where I’m coming from, and that there’s the potential that some part of my story will bleed into Alistair’s story. Mentally I’m still a bit ‘all over the place’ right now, I’m more emotional than usual, and I still struggle with the decision of having signed up for a project that could turn into yet another commitment of several years. But I think the show has the potential to be really good. For myself, and for many people like me.”

Michael gets up from his chair and walks over to the recliner. He reaches out to Alex with both arms.

“Man, would it be ok if I offer you a hug? I know I could use a hug right now. It’s ok if you don’t want, of course, but I thought I’d ask?”

Alex looks at him with big eyes, but then he untangles himself from the quilt, gets up and steps into Michael’s open arms. Michael wraps his arms around Alex’s upper body, while Alex’s arms slowly wind around Michael’s mid-section. It’s only awkward for a second, then both men give in and melt into a comforting embrace. They just stand there in the middle of Alex’s trailer for a long time, holding each other, breathing in and out in perfect sync.  

They lose track of time, but eventually Alex bends back a little to look at Michael’s face from close up.

“Momma’s boys  and  suckers for hugs, I have a feeling, things between us are going to be just fine.”

Michael snickers.

“I’m warning you, I’m a cuddle slut. I can fall asleep on people’s shoulders, or I will sloth-hug them from behind when I’m tired. Feel free to tell me no at any time though, I know not everybody’s comfortable with that kind of invasion of their personal space.”

Alex smiles.

“Thanks, I’m trying to listen to my needs more closely. In general, I do enjoy a good hug, but sometimes it can be too much. Boundaries are hard.”

Michael nods.

“Don’t I know it. I mean, I’m not having a hard time to accept or notice other people’s boundaries, it’s more like that I often ignore my own boundaries in an effort to please everyone. Leaves me drained and exhausted, but then life demands that I’m being me again, and I never seem to have enough time and space to recharge.”

They end the hug, but when they sit down again, they do so on the recliner side by side, their knees touching. Michael’s right leg bounces.

“So, after we’ve bonded over some emotional stuff, how do we get to the muscle memory part of our characters’ connection? Kissing boot camp? I’ll admit, although I know I’m bi, I’ve never kissed a dude before. I don’t expect it to be that different from kissing a girl, but I can’t be sure. I’ve looked up your filmography and saw that you did this cool musical film where you played a seemingly gay man. How did you and your co-star approach that thing between your characters?”

Alex laughs.

“Did you see the movie?”

Michael shakes his head.

“I didn’t have the time to watch it, but I saw the trailer, and, uhm, there’s a making of clip of one rather steamy scene on YouTube, I watched that.”

Alex smirks at him.

“Did you now? Interesting. Well, in general we talked with the director of course, how they wanted the scene to go, stuff like that. We did a screen test where we kissed before the shoot. Colton’s also gay, so we both had no trouble with the ‘kissing a dude’ part. But as it is with any kiss on screen, kissing a stranger is never easy.”

Michael nods.

“Okay, that makes sense. Maybe they’re going to do a screen test with us, too? To make sure we’re compatible? Jenna didn’t mention anything, right?”

Alex shakes his head.

“No, she didn’t. I don’t think there will be a screen test. This is just a pilot, and they’re on a tight budget. They’ll expect us to knock it out of the park as soon as the cameras roll.”

Michael swallows around a lump in his throat that wasn’t there a minute ago.

“Good, that’s cool. I mean, looking at you, it’s not exactly a hardship to imagine how great it must be to kiss you. I’ll do my best to make it not awkward.”

Alex smiles at him, but the smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. He’s careful with his next words.

“If it makes you feel better, we can do a screen test without cameras? Figure out how to embrace without colliding? I mean, we don’t have to kiss, obviously, if it makes you uncomfortable or you think it’s not necessary. But we could work out some kind of choreography and develop the ‘muscle memory’ for the kissing scene?”

Alex doesn’t look straight at Michael when he makes his proposal, only when he ends, his eyes are back on Michael with full focus. Michael feels like he’s blushing furiously, although he really hopes that isn’t the case.  

“Uhm, okay, that’s a great idea actually. A choreography. I like that. I’d rather not knock you unconscious with my thick skull just because we both go for the same side.”

Alex laughs and stands up again. He holds his hand out to Michael.

“Come on then, let’s try.”

Michael takes Alex’s hand and lets himself get pulled up into a standing position. Alex doesn’t release his hand, so Michael follows him to the middle of the trailer where they have enough space to move around without bumping into furniture. Alex takes one more step until they stand opposite from each other.

“Is there anything off limits with what you’re comfortable with? Like, do I have to know about any particularly ticklish spots, is it ok to touch your hair? That kind of stuff.”

Michael thinks about it for a second, then he shakes his head.

“I can’t think of anything. How about you?”

Alex shakes his head.

“I’m pretty ticklish, but I don’t think you’re going to tickle me. Should we just act out the scene like it’s in the script and see how it goes?”

Michael nods. He picks up his script from where he’d placed it on the table earlier and quickly reads through the instructions for the scene’s set-up.

“Okay, why don’t you take the chair from over there, and I enter from the kitchen area?”

Alex nods in agreement. He pulls out the chair from under the desk and props up his right leg on the seat. He pulls up the leg of is sweatpants and pretends to adjust something on his prosthesis.

Michael’s stepped back into the kitchen area and looks at Alex. His hair is tousled and he looks warm and slightly flushed. For a moment, Michael glances at the metal of Alex’s leg reflecting the light, but then he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He’s Mikel Rath now. An alien who’s lived in this town for ten years while the love of his life went to war. They are not on good terms, but there’s still love.  

A love that’s been tested over and over again, but never went away. Michael opens his eyes and looks at Alex. Alex, who’s Alistair Jessup now, a decorated war veteran. Not the same person Mikel fell in love with a decade ago. Not a boy anymore. Alistair is a man now. But the love, oh the  love, it's burning just as bright as the first day he’d laid eyes on him.  

Mikel takes a step forward into the room, as per description “belt buckle first”.

"𝙽𝚘𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚐𝚒𝚊’𝚜 𝚊 𝚋𝚒𝚝𝚌𝚑, 𝚑𝚞𝚑."

Alistair adjusts the leg of his pants and puts his foot back on the ground. He looks at Mikel, his eyes dark and questioning. He sighs.

"𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝙸𝚛𝚊𝚚, 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚍 𝚋𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚐𝚘𝚗𝚎."

Mikel feels embarrassed all of a sudden. Alistair is right, it’s been ten years and he’s still stuck in the same place, wasting his life, just like Alistair said earlier. But then Alistair doesn’t know  why  he never left, what kept him in their hometown, or rather who. Mikel is tired, and his shoulders drop. He sounds resigned.

"𝙸’𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚗 𝚊 𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊 𝚠𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚎. 𝙸𝚝’𝚜 𝚜𝚕𝚘𝚠 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝? 𝙵𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚘?"

Alistair shakes his head, he also looks tired, his eyes are hollow.

"𝚆𝚎’𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚔𝚒𝚍𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎. 𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜𝚗’𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛."

The ‘what I want never mattered’ is hanging like an unspoken truth between them. Mikel takes a step forward, his eyes on Alistair. Alistair in return, takes one step in Mikel’s direction. They are close now. Very close. They look at each other, their eyes telling an entire story while they remain quiet.

When they both start moving at the same time, there’s no need to figure out a choreography. Mikel’s arms reach for Alistair’s head, his fingers slotting around his neck just so, while Alistair’s hands go underneath Mikel’s arms and wrap around Mikel’s torso. They both pull the other in until there’s no space left between them. Mikel takes another breath before he closes the last inch of distance between them and their lips meet in a searing kiss.

They are swaying back and forth, their lips pressing firmly against each other. They are Alistair and Mikel for a long moment, until Mikel Rath slowly turns back into Michael Guerin and Alistair fades back into Alex Manes, and now it’s them kissing all of a sudden, and no longer the characters they are supposed to play.

Michael doesn’t know how to stop. He doesn’t want to. He’s holding onto Alex’s face and looks at him like he’s searching for something. When he sees what he’s been hoping to find, he closes his eyes and lets his lips go soft, his mouth turning into a pliant invitation

When he feels Alex’s tongue nudging at his lower lip, he opens his mouth and lets him in.

[florrickandassociates]

TGF Thoughts: 3x06-- The One with the Celebrity Divorce

One more to go before the new episode! I’m making progress! This recap contains ONLY ONE complaint about Maia!

There’s a promo for Strange Angel tacked on to the front of this episode. I have no interest in it, or, really, in any other CBS All Access show (Twilight Zone intrigues me but I don’t like horror). But, I’m curious: are any of y’all watching other All Access shows? Aside from one episode of One Dollar (which was terrible) and the Big Brother live feeds, I pay for All Access just for TGF. And TGF is the only show, probably ever, I’d be willing to subscribe to an entire service for.

“America Goes Poddy” is a hilariously terrible name for the show’s Pod Save America ripoff.

Diane’s listening to America Goes Poddy (sorry, I’m laughing again, it always gets me when this show uses really juvenile humor) and they’re talking about how now Democrats are doing well in the polls because of ALL THE THINGS THE RESISTANCE DID. “Who are the badasses doing this?” the Poddy Guys ask. They seem to have picked up on the fact these are linked.

One thing that always makes me uncomfortable about TGW/TGF is that sometimes they wind up on the wrong side of the fiction/reality line. This episode will do a fairly good job staying on the right side of it with the Melania stuff later, but I don’t love hearing about how #Resistance has made an impact in the polls when I know it’s fake and it hasn’t done a thing because it’s fake. There’s a way to make political plots high-stakes and realistic (the DNC impeachment stuff last year) and there’s a way to make political plots high-stakes and so unrealistic they can’t be taken seriously (#FlorrickForPresident2016).

GUYS, can I rant about a TGW thing? I was reading Becoming earlier this week (highly recommend, for anyone who still hasn’t picked up a copy) and was reminded of the Obama presidential announcement. This led me to google pictures of the announcement, which in turn led me to realize the 7x06 plot in which Alicia and Peter stand inside a hot gym in winter coats to have an Obama moment is even dumber than I previously believed. And I previously believed it was one of the stupidest things the show’s ever done. See, I had always thought they just copied the venue, which in itself seems like a stunt, but no, they weren’t content to just do that. They also had Alicia wear the same hat and color scarf as Michelle Obama. THIS WOULD NEVER FUCKING WORK; EVERY GODDAMN TALK SHOW WOULD MAKE FUN OF IT, SEASON SEVEN IS THE WORST,  UGH.

#Resistance has more members and a new HQ, and they’re celebrating America Goes Poddy’s publicity. Now they want to do even more Resisting and go after Melania.

“I’m sick of just calling us ‘The Resistance,’” Rachelle says. I am too. They are now Book Club. I’m fine with that. It kind of makes me want to start an actual book club. (I don’t talk about it all that much, but I read a ton and always want to discuss books!)

At the office, the partners are arguing about how to handle Blum. Diane points out that Blum could work somewhere other than their office, and that the problem is having him in the building. She’s completely right. If Blum is in their space, with easy access to their files and staffers, he’s going to be harder to get rid of down the line. Adrian either doesn’t see it or doesn’t want to see it and says it’s not necessary to get a separate space. After all, they’re having their (highly paid) investigator watching him round the clock (really amazing use of resources) and he’s not a wizard. This is not a good counter argument. Diane is still right.

Liz’s take is also correct. She just wants to stop giving him attention, and I’m completely on board with that. He is a drain on their time and other resources and he “lives on attention,” so she wants to withhold it. Sounds like a plan to me! And the easiest way to starve him of attention is to send him off to some bland office space far away from anyone else. If he’s smashing windows and provoking every associate in his path, he’s going to be hard to ignore.

I like Marissa’s strategy for dealing with Blum too. She doesn’t let anything he says faze her (even when he talks about fucking her mother), replies back with snark, and eventually just starts singing show tunes in his face.

Marissa starts monologuing while Blum’s in the bathroom-- about how Blum is Jewish, about how he’s horrible but she likes him a little because he’s funny, and about how she can’t let him know she finds him amusing. I wish this monologue were a little longer; I think Sarah Steele does a really phenomenal job with it.

Lucca takes a meeting with Tituss Burgess (well, his character’s name is Wade V, but I’m so distracted by the familiar face!). He has a client who wants to speak with Lucca about a post-nup, but the client is a celebrity (he is a celebrity hairdresser) so everything’s top secret.

Jay does some digging to uncover who the star client might be. Did no one tell the person who populated the fake webpage with images that Megan Hilty is a character on this show? Or is it a strange little easter egg that she’s on this page, twice?

When Jay finds a picture of Wade V with Kim Kardashian, he decides that she MUST be his client and takes his hunch to both Lucca and Adrian immediately.

Just want to call out how much I love the face Lucca makes after Jay tells her it’s Kim Kardashian. She looks so amused and stunned!

Wade V’s client calls a burner phone. Lucca talks into it and gets no reply.

Adrian comes to Lucca’s office immediately after Wade leaves. He’s VERY excited about the Kimye divorce and wants to make a huge show. This is obviously the wrong call, and Lucca pushes back. “Lucca, this is a really big deal,” Adrian explains as though Lucca isn’t aware. Lucca pushes back more and explains her reasons for wanting it private; Adrian relents.

I’m enjoying the Lucca/Jay dynamic. It’s playful.

Blum has a half-naked woman parading through the office. Go away, please.

Adrian talks to Blum about how he has too many “personnel” accompanying him. You know where this would not be a problem? In a separate office facility, like Diane suggested. Adrian, you’re smart, but other people are sometimes allowed to have good ideas too.

Watching Blum seems like a terrible use of Marissa’s time. She’s good at it, but she’s also good at her real job.

Diane’s getting pretty serious about her axe throwing: she’s looking to buy her own set of axes.

Word has spread that there’s a Kardashian coming into the offices, and several associates decide to hot desk in reception.

I like that there are now a few named associates that I recognize. Even if they get, like, one line an episode, their presence makes it feel like the leads aren’t the only employees of the firm.

Lucca’s noon meeting arrives, and it’s not with a Kardashian. It’s with a blonde named Zelda. Jay tells Adrian they got a little ahead of themselves. Oh, really??? Googling his clients and deciding it must be Kim K, then spreading the word, wasn’t a good strategy?! I’m so shocked.

Zelda isn’t the client either. She hands Lucca a burner phone that immediately begins to ring. The woman on the phone has a thick Slovenian accent, and Lucca realizes that she’s talking to (someone who is supposed to be) Melania Trump.

And now it’s time for a song!

I don’t have much to say about the substance of this case, but they pull this off as best they can. Since the writers never confirm it is or isn’t Melania, the episode feels more character driven (how would these characters respond if…) and it doesn’t really matter if it’s realistic or not.

Lucca tells Jay she’s not sure if what just happened was a joke or not. She asks him to dig into Zelda Raye.

Marissa’s still trailing Blum. He runs into Lemond Bishop, and they start chatting. Marissa doesn’t stop him. Very effective. Almost as effective as having him in a separate space where he can’t run into anyone.

Lucca and Jay inform the partners (the ones that matter) about Melania. Liz laughs and Diane and Adrian look stunned. Liz doesn’t buy it: why would Melania want an opinion from a mid-sized firm, in Chicago, with mostly African American lawyers? Good question.

Liz and Diane convene an emergency meeting of the RBL chapter of Book Club to discuss whether this is a prank, a trap set by a mole within Book Club, or something for real.

Bishop wants to hire Blum in addition to RBL. Well, that was predictable.

Bishop gave $200,000 to Georgetown, because Dylan’s aged up several years and Georgetown is the only school these writers acknowledge. I hope Bishop didn’t get any college bribery advice from Flicka. Sounds like he “bribed” the admissions office the normal way, though.

Diane buys some fancy axes.

Zelda shows up at Lucca’s house with a ringing phone. It’s “Melania”. Lucca advises her to bring up divorce and Melania wants to get off the phone. Then Lucca mentions annulment, and Melania’s intrigued.

“America Goes Poddy” is still hilarious.

Diane and Liz tell the Book Club their theory about the leak-- and disclose that there’s a potential Melania divorce at their firm. Is that legal to disclose? Rachelle thinks there’s a chance it’s real.

Polly! That’s Young One Who Does Computer Things’s name!

Marissa’s still singing the same song at Blum. Heh.

Blum calls Julius in and offers to pull some strings and get him his judgeship. Julius turns it down and Marissa calls him out on it. She advises him to take Blum up on his offer and then piss him off later-- it’s what her father does, after all.

Wade arrive with a hatbox full of burners. One immediately starts buzzing and Lucca fumbles to find it.

“Melania” praises Lucca’s advice and says she wants a divorce. Lucca gets suspicious and asks about a well-known Melania impersonator. (I’m a little sad we didn’t get Laura Benanti on this episode.)

Vernon Jordan is back! He was in an early TGW ep, too.

Has the n-word been used on TGF before? Or is this scene the first time?

Zelda storms into Lucca’s office and begins to grab the burner phones like a child. Zelda’s firing Lucca, but it’s clear from her words and actions that this is coming from Zelda, not “Melania”.

“You’re mean!” Zelda exclaims as she stomps out. This is one of my favorite scenes of the episode simply because it’s SO WEIRD. “What the fuck?” Lucca mutters to herself before Zelda rushes back in to grab the phones AGAIN.

Jay intervenes, Zelda leaves, and Lucca and Jay start cracking up. This is delightfully absurd.

Julius takes Blum up on his offer. He also eats lettuce. Yes, that’s worth noting. If you’ve seen this scene, you understand what I mean.

“Melania” asks Lucca for the pee tape, which she knows is at RBL. This is news to Lucca. “We got played,” Diane responds the second she hears. I lean towards agreeing. There are too many coincidences here and not enough reasons Melania would go to Lucca out of all the lawyers. Could she choose the firm because it has the tape and still also think it’s a good firm? Maybe, but the firm having the tape would still be more important than the firm itself…

Lucca slowly realizes her firm has the Golden Shower tape. And no one told her.

Apparently Zelda also represents the Melania impersonator. Meh. Now Lucca’s supposed to break off all contact, which is probably the safe move.

“You told the receptionist to answer the phone, ‘Law offices of Roland Blum?’” Diane reprimands Blum. And the receptionist AGREED to do this? This is why he needs to NOT BE IN THEIR OFFICES. There is a clear solution here! I have no patience for Blum and even less patience for arguments about avoidable situations.

Bishop fired Charles Lester because he wants Blum. Damn. See, this is why you don’t take Bishop on as a client. It’s what I was just saying about avoidable situations: if you don’t want to ever have to decide if you want to let an obnoxiously loud man into your firm because he’s buddies with a drug dealer client of yours, you can start by not having a drug dealer client.

Wade comes back to talk Lucca into representing “Melania” again-- he offers a face to face meeting. Lucca accepts, then lies to Liz about it. This could blow up in her face, but I think she knows what she’s doing and it’s a calculated risk: if she goes and it is something real, Liz and the rest of the partners aren’t going to care that Lucca disobeyed them. And if she goes and it’s not real or it’s suspicious, who’s going to find out? (Well, unless there are cameras and/or it’s dangerous to go, but the chances of that seem slim to none.)

(Speaking of cameras, we ever going to acknowledge that Maia fucked someone on the office conference table and it was caught on camera or nah?)

OMG I haven’t even mentioned that Maia IS NOT IN THIS EPISODE yet. I forgot about her. She’s still credited and I don’t think she’s gone for good, but I can’t imagine there’s any Maia arc worth paying Rose Leslie for at least two episodes where she doesn’t have to do a thing. I do wonder if they’re phasing Maia out for S4, though.

Speaking of S4: YAY FOR RENEWAL!

Diane again suggests moving Blum offsite. PLEASE TAKE HER UP ON THIS.

Adrian explains that Blum is “a different flavor from what we’re used to” which is EXACTLY THE TYPE OF BULLSHIT LANGUAGE THAT KEEPS ABUSIVE WHITE MEN IN POWER. He is “a different flavor” and whatever flavor he is is unacceptable.

I also like Liz’s reaction to Blum: “I ignore him.” Unfortunately, Liz may be able to ignore him, but as we’ve seen already, others don’t have that much self-control. And no one should be expected to have that much self-control! Sure, Marissa and Liz can handle themselves around Blum-- but the receptionist couldn’t. Maia couldn’t. And while I blame Maia for her actions, she never would have acted out the way she did if the firm had supervised her properly while she was working with Blum.

The vote doesn’t go Diane’s way, so she goes to throw axes. Blum follows her there. She wants nothing to do with him, but he keeps blabbering. Shut up!

“I’m happy to become you in order to get you the fuck out of my way,” Diane tells Blum. I want to see that. (No one this season believes in the high road! Not a bad thing, necessarily-- just an observation.)

Lucca goes to the hotel room where she’s supposed to meet Melania, and “Melania” appears in shadow. That’s… about what I expected. So we never get an answer about if it’s her or if it’s not. That’s fine with me. I don’t really want an answer.

La la la, this scene is really long, I don’t care. The point is that she’s in shadow; I don’t care about anything else she’s saying because it’s either a fake who is a fake on the show, or someone who’s supposed to be real that is actually fake. Either way, why should I care?

“Melania” mentions the pee tape again, at which point it becomes clear (to Lucca) that this is not Melania. It’s also clear to me it isn’t her, but I have the benefit of knowing I’m watching a fictional tv show.

[icharchivist]

perso-rant underneath and at first i intended it to be more light hearted but welp cant dive into myself without digging the bad stuff so just ignore this as rambling.

(idk if the cut works on mobile so as usual blacklist #ichapersonal to skip it , its quite long)

its night and im noisy and all but yknow part of the reason m/lb is such a healing show for me and i rewatch it every couple of days?

i cry everytime M.arinette's family is on screen pretty badly bc i get so envious all the time. i hate my shitty family (and often can relate to A.drien's ressentment) so just seeing such a /healthy/ family being often shown litterally brings me to tears. im like C.hat in the animan episode when he stares at the family picture with a sweet smile (another detail that stupidly make me cry who allowed th i s)

like. i dont relate to A.drien's relation to his family but some of the emotional effects is often a moment of "welp. mood." and being kinda sad /for him/ even if i can feel it for myself too. but then with M.arinette's family everytime they get to be on screen i realize how happy this sort of dynamic makes me and it makes me /so envious/.

like my mom is an artist and an excellent cook but she always barred those interests from me bc it was /hers/ and it was for /her ego/ and this attitude just killed every curiosity i had and remplaced it with a complete unability to care.

i used to bake as a kid but my mom was always shutting down everything i was doing, and if i was asking for help or recieps she would just tell le "it's a secret just watch " and never letting me know tf she was doing so i stopped lmao. everytime ive tried meals since it was only for myself and with a hard mocking from family and mom saying she had a better recieps and i should just let her do so i dont even try it often. (moreeven now that the kitchen is opened to the living room and they're super judgemental when im in it)

i was messing with drawings and paints in her workshop when i was a kid but she would always point out flaws and take my tools to correct it without telling nor showing me how and it killed it, it took me until my 14yo to start doing mindless doodles and then my breakdown when i was about 20 to seriously try back to draw and do art and try different tools (until my right hand made it impossible for me to hold a tool and the failure still feels yknow)

i wanted to sew things and make clothes (at the time for my dolls) but my mom was never letting me touch the tools (that we HAD since not only she made clothes but her mom actually had a fabrique shop. like. right next door. i think it became part of my mom's trauma hating her mom and refusing us to connect with her, more so with what happened when i was 7 and we lost contact with them but still, the damn irony. and i cant remember if my grandma ever let me close her sewing material but i was a damn kid after all) so this is another thing i didnt pursue

i wanted to pick up music (piano mostly) bc my uncle is a musician but my parents never wanted to invest in that because they already gave a piano to my sister (that i wasnt allowed to use) so ye that was dropped lmao

and i started to write when i was about 11 and it was that /one thing/ i didnt need help for from anyone, completely self taught, with my own ways and tools, and my parents were always dismissive of it, never listening to me, always telling me it wasnt important, that i should focus on something else, and after other circumstances that added to that i dropped writting around my 17/18yo and it had been painful to even try to write again since.(i came back to writing around my 20yo a bit before my breakdown but after it happened it started to die out and i felt exhausted and stopped after a few months and since then i've never been able to pick up writing again ay.)

(and im not touching the obsessive elements bc like- the fact she does it for her crush makes it different, but the sort of things she does? taking pictures and putting them everywhere in her room when she hyperfixates, making overcomplicated schedules and such? i litteraly do that with fiction. i made a freaking timeline for this show. i am currently working on organizing codex from d.a and an approval guide for christ sake. and im not talking about my multiple fandom shrines in my room and the fact i legit have one for m/lb made from pictures found on merchs.

or also the fact i have a lot of passions i'd love to share and seeing M. play video games with her dad for exemple makes me so bitter when all i get is backhanded insults from my parents when i bring it up.)

So sometimes i see M. and part of me is just in awe, loving everything about her. the other part of me tho... i feel... a bit robbed? like she's such a creative kid, she's incredible and she inspires me everyday, and i cant help but think how i would have adored her when i was a kid. (im not even kidding, as a kid i requested my mom a costume of black cat for h.alloween and a l.adybug costume for the carnaval. i have pictures of that at my dad's place sadly it kills me. also my room when i was a kid used to be covered with l.adybug stickers like. HELL my mom doesnt care about my interests but last year she bought me a M/LB winter callendar (bc its been years i was mentioning i wanted one, a selfish whim but oh well) and i had a huge double take bc i was certain she didnt remember me talking about this show- and she did not. when i asked her why, she legit told me "because she reminded me of you as a kid with your pigtails your obsession for l.adybugs". like!! i cant even stress how kid!me would have adored this show and especially LB./M.) (the pigtails too this time i have proofs around there i used to carry them all the time until i was bullied for it at school. (bullying at school instead of good friends also adds to the difference in question tbh lmao))

there is something so... weird into seeing the parts of yourself that you cut yourself from in a character, and see that the main difference is because of how the family (and bullies) treated those elements so drastically differently.

my family was always neglectful but differently than A.. the things i relate to with him is how he specifically still holds on hope that his father will do better at least just for one day and his reaction when he's left down saying he's just used to it. and like normal, not every kind of abuse are the same and all but i still relate enough to feel sad.

but M. is always a whiplash of feelings like i could have been this sort of girl in a better environment.

at 13/14yo she was already making stuff up, baking, designing clothes, doing art, she was doing so many things, even forgetting the superhero part. she was being happy being a creator at her pace and with encouragement. at 13/14yo i was starting to show concerning signs of d.epression because i was trying to handle my parents's divorces and the multiple trials that followed that /i/ had to handle by finding middle grounds, allowing some of my father's blackmail to avoid worse, and by litterally having to collect infos from mails everytime to prove against some of his arguments to the judges. and my sister refusing to talk to us for a year, which caused us basically to feel very bad thinking of the eldest sister who ran away from home, and having to handle my father's harrasment and emotional abuse of constantly belittling me (fuck this was the age he legit told me i would probably end up a p.rostitute so ye!!! fuck that!!!) andd the fact my mom was also falling apart from all of it on me and i was always supposed to cheer her up while i was having a hard time in a new school and new environment away from the very few friends i had and again feeling abandonned by my sister which freaking sucks after already had suffered that from our eldest one.

but M. makes me cry every. goddam. rewatch. its like maybe the ultimate wish fufilling story of just how i would have loved my family to be. of how i think i could have turned up.

and that realization hits so badly everytime.

there's a thing with my hyperfixations where i'll always find a way to tie it back to my traumas. i dont know if im pulling straws, or if the things are there. for having watched m.lb when it came out unfazed and only got hit with that realization upon rewatching- i feel it was more me realizing "there is something there that is touching me more than before" and having an introspection to get it.

and i think the difference is that- before my breakdown the characters and stories i related to where the eternal optimistic-yet-damaged "never give up!" type of characters. When things started to go downhill to my breakdown and since then the fictions that talked to me the most were all dealing with guilt coming from toxic environment that werent your fault per se but you pierceved that way. my way to relate were to characters who felt deeply connected to their guilt (peak being c.loud of f.f7 that even topped it with the deadly skin disease making him lose will to live (because ye that happened. still hate to watch out for that so ye), and memories issues, you would have told me at 13yo when i first watched that movie that this would be what i would relate to him about 7 years later i would have laughed at your face.), which translated with pushing people away and self destructing habits.

and i know i watched m.lb the first time around that time, when i was 20/21. and that may be why i didnt feel that. that my concerns were too elsewhere to realize that. That i was too focalized on how i felt like i failed by suddenly breaking under the pressure, having all the things i've kept burried kicking me out at once, and that i couldnt afford to be a burden to anyone. and it translated with me loving characters like that because in most cases their friends ended up reminding them of what was important - and sometimes just getting frustrated about your fav being as dumb as it forces you to pull yourself back together lmao. not always working but it was there.

now im 23. i cut ties with my father for about 3/4 years now, with all the shitty things that ensued out of the last trial where he sued me and his still-happening harrasment (sometimes silly sometimes scary). My mom and step dad are suffocating me more and more everyday. my health had become so disastrous i cant even manage to go school or find a job. And more than ever im frustrated and angry.

and i think it may be a shown of recovery? perhaps linked to therapy? of while i still have guilt of falling apart- /they/ are the reason i fell apart. and I'm yet to have proper apologizes for it. i grew furious at my family. of how much i feel robbed.

lately im so angry at everything i lost, was taken of, stolen childhood all of that- because of my parents, mainly. (hell even the bullying at school - in primary school it apparently started bc of gossips about why my eldest sister ran away from home, and in middle school it was first bc my parents insisted on sending me to private school where i was an outcast. which then had me truly embrassing the outcast persona that had made it impossible for me to be at peace in the two others middle schools i went to. highschool saved my social life tbh).

i think it's therapy and recovery that is making me shift the blame and feel so angry at them. so bitter. and suddenly i see in an innocent kid show a "what could have been". same starting personality, different people to channel this.

and this is. frustrating.

but it makes me love it even more. idk if its driving anything else than ressentment but at least for the time of an episode I'm in a bubble of a.lternative universe where i can forget about my life and feel satisfied at once.

like finding a piece of myself that i deliberately broke and burried to never think about it again, and realize far later how it missed to the whole, and how damaged this piece is now, but still is.

and there is something incredibly healing about that. i would never have thought there would be this much healing out of this anger and yet satisfaction. what a strange feeling.

fiction is funny that way. the things people can get out of it to deal with their own psyche are so different one person to the next.

it's just so weird for me to go from "i relate to the horrors this character went through" to "and fuck those horrors. let me think about what could have been if this didnt happen."

even moreso knowing i had this piece of fiction before and didnt approach it that way. there's a time and a mindset for everything. apparently now was the best mindset for me huh

.......

so ye apparently i cant like something like a normal person and have to go on about how it connects to my deeply rooted traumas lmao.

anyway it's been eating me up for weeks now and it's 4:45am i have absolutly no impulse holding me back. if you sat through this piece of work im sorry. just needed it to get it out of my chest.

i'll go back to hugging my cheap-yet-lifesaving c.laire's l.adybug pillow now

good night o/

[schwinns2ndlaw]

listening through a new brain (2015)

prologue: frogs have so much spring:

homeless lady/grace singing in the prologue reminds me about how she, being homeless and really having nothing, ties together this theme of mortality, and life’s strangeness, and being grateful for what you have despite the circumstances.

gordon hasn’t “finish[ed] one song,” so i wonder how long he’s been employed with mr bungee

rhoda and gordon’s bickering/conversation feels really familiar between them. i wonder how long they’ve been friends; i hope since college,,, i have a lot of love for rhoda being the pillar of Work Ethic and advice and support and being a little bit bossy

prologue: 911 emergency/i have so many songs:

from the second song bill finn sets up a picture of normal gay culture (ex: the reality of having to worry about hiv, “mr bungee’s homophobic”) and i have so much love for how candid and unapologetic he is about telling lgbt stories. he is gay and jewish and goddamn his work is gay and jewish and that’s beautiful

heart and music:

i love what they did with the transition from i have so many songs to heart and music with the pulse ox.

also i gotta love the classic bill finn rhyme of horses & divorces. fucking iconic

one thing here that distinguishes anb from his other works, is, i think, how the songs are structured as an album. though falsettos and a new brain are both sung through, a new brain’s core songs are much more apparent, the first of which being heart and music. also bc they’re the only ones on the obc album but still. it’s interesting to see how he handles transition songs in a new brain. imo, the transitions in anb are weaker than his other shows: falsettos is more continuous, and 25th annual putnam county spelling bee has a different format (there’s dialogue), plus has transitions for comedic purposes (the goodbye songs)

mother’s gonna make things fine:

mother’s gonna make things fine has a manic comedic quality to it and ana gasteyer pulls it off really well. i esp like her blocking for that part

trouble in his brain:

“the invincibility of gordon michael schwinn” is a really interesting line to me. mimi and rhoda both say it — it’s a well known thing among those who know gordon. i wonder if this ties into gordon’s well-known desire to have a [musical] legacy or if it’s applied to other parts of his life?

be polite to everyone:

be polite to everyone is kind of a jam for a hallucination. i like jonathan groff’s acting choices in it (in the boot) that further clarify that he’s hallucinating because im dumb and found anb at like 1am a while back and didn’t get things at first. i just… accepted that mr bungee was there tbh

i’d rather be sailing:

the instrumentals in i’d rather be sailing are so soothing. it’s 11pm and aaron lazar is singing me a lullaby and all is right in the world. god, what charming, gorgeous voice, and what stellar execution. i have such a soft spot for aaron lazar after his performance in a new brain; it’s a charming role and he pulls it off with such decorum and sincerity. also i just fucking love roger. okay i was going to analyze this bit but it’s just a really sweet love song and i sometimes think about how this is the closest thing that william finn has written to a love song for his partner, and like,,, Y’all I Love This Song

(also. the piano [though it’s not marked as a specific dynamic in the sheet music] high note he sings at the end is stellar.)

family history:

family history is honestly really funny. that’s all

gordo’s law of genetics:

i love the slight changes to this arrangement in the revival recording but i will not rest until “why is the smart son always the gay son?” “schwinn’s second law” is put back in the recording. i wonder why they cut that?

also the blocking in this part is super cute i love the rolling chair and jonathan’s conducting and “air drums”

and they’re off:

i binge listened to and they’re off and then set it as my alarm and now I’m a little tired of it and that makes me sad :’(

STILL it’s a BOP and  i love the rhyming in it and everyone sounds so good. this song is overlooked in its exposition of mimi; it gives insight to the circumstances that shaped her as a person. and they’re off gives an explanation behind her anger at gordon’s fatalistic behavior

last note for and they’re off: groff’s vocals are great here - i can feel the love he has for this song and this score

roger arrives:

i love roger arrives for all of the character dynamics it brings

roger is: -loved by all (“hallelujah” - mimi, which, like, same) -looking fit -damned appropriate -a strong emotional pillar -a dreamboat, and that’s the tea!

roger and gordon’s first irl interaction is so comical and quirky and real. i’m a little peeved they omitted rogers “no” (and a few other phrases from the performance) in response to gordon asking if he left after he found out. the first time i listened through i thought roger might’ve actual left afterwards and was ready to throw hands

roger rolls with gordon’s insanity with such stride and :’)

the whole “he looks good”/“he looks pale”/“he looks better” showcases everyone’s different outlooks on the situation and god knows i live for characterization through song

ROGER’S LITTLE STINT/IMPLICATION IN “GO GET DINNER. ROGER HAS ARRIVED” IS FUNNY HONESTLY. there was a youtube performance i watched where the roger - idr which video - emphasized this joke more. it was hilarious and i wish aaron lazar had leaned into that a bit

just go:

i love how unique roger and gordon’s dynamic is. it feels quirky and unique and real and honestly. also the two get some gorgeous melodic lines and harmonies

“sometimes when you talk, i feel so damn woozy” roger wins at romance

tl;dr gordon: you will get these hands if you stay roger: love you too

mri tomorrow:

LET ME JUST TALK ABOUT “time to go to sleep. you’ll be brave as zorro” I HAVE NO IDEA WHETHER BILL FINN USED ZORRO AS A DESPERATE RHYME (PROBABLY) BUT I LOVE THE IDEA THAT ROGER IS AN OLD SCHOOL COMICS NERD

also in the boot, gordon just gives roger a /look/ after saying this and i love it. he probably uses outdated phrases of speech too

poor, unsuccessful, and fat:

JOSH LAMON IS A COMEDIC FORCE

“my sister is a receptionist” bill finn. where is gordon’s sister? what is she doing (besides being a receiptionist)? her brother’s in the hospital c’mon

“thank you for coming/ thank you for going” another example of this sort of underhanded humor. i like the sort of theme around Visitors in the hospital room and the people you surround yourself with in crisis

sitting becalmed in the lee of cuttyhunk:

sitting becalmed in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in 

i desperately need someone to make an edit where “in the lee” never ends it’d be so unsatisfying and i’d love it

“oh yeah fuck it i hate the sun” jonathan groff does a really good job of portraying sarcastic characters,, this role suits him so well

HOW MUCH COMPLAINING DO YOU THINK ROGER HEARS ON THE DAILY THOUGH

“we got the picture” “i get the picture!/that wasn’t bad at all” i actually like this though??? like the first inklings of gordon’s epiphany at the end & him valuing life for what it is

this cast all has such great voices

crainiotomy:

I LOVE THAT FUN HOME WAS THE SHOW THE DOCTOR WENT TO IN THE REVIVAL. MY LESBIAN ASS IS SO HAPPY ALSO HOW OLD ARE THE DOCTOR’S KIDS IF THEY’RE SEEING CHICAGO

an invitation to sleep in my arms:

one of my favorite songs on the album.

the orchestrations behind it are really soothing and there are the most gorgeous harmonies at 2:27. desperately need someone to duet this with

whenever “mr music” is mentioned i think of like some 7 year old running around in a magician’s hat using a magic wand as a conductor’s stick

rhoda means so well

“i get distracted so damn easily” cut to gordon not being able to write a note of a song as soon as roger walks in. also cut to gordon forgetting what he was supposed to be writing also imo gordon probably has adhd 

give roger and gordon more duets, or at least treasure the ones they get… that’s all i ask

ALSO I LOVE HOW FAMILY ORIENTED MIMI IS, like she is such an advocate for the belief that life is worth living and worth treasuring the important people in your life

also, the interactions between rhoda and mimi are some of my favorite

change:

such a good solo for high voices??? super fun and belty

i love that bill finn writes women just as dimensional as his other characters (though i wish he wrote more female-headed works i suppose. that’s just a hope of mine in general though)

the yes song:

the yes song takes me on like 7 different emotional arcs

“or when someone says “would you like to lose  your virginity”/someone with whom you have no affinity” sondheim is SHAKING

“yes i will go to my grandparents to israel” is a line that can only really be appreciated by watching it goddamn

WHERE IS HIS SON??????

in the middle of the room (part i):

sometimes i think about how jonathan groff got into a car accident during the lyric “and i’m waiting for a car to come along and kill me”…. like how ICONIC???

ana sounds so concerned and on the border of falling apart in the recording i love talent

throw it out:

throw it out is a really versatile song,, like the tenderness at the beginning, the later comedic aspect of mimi desperately trying to find something to blame for gordon’s illness.

“‘HOW TO MEET A SAILOR’ GOOD SON” IM GENUINELY CRYING WITH LAUGHTER IG WE ALL KNOW HOW ROGER AND GORDON MET I LOVE A LYRIC

in the middle of the room (part ii)

this bit is so frantic. also it scared the shit out of me in the production when they brought out that drill oh my god

a really lousy day in the universe:

HEY THIS IS ILLEGAL ESP IN THE BOOT HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO CRY 

that aside, it’s a very pretty song

also, the fact that a new brain is partially autobiographical is wild??? like, bill finn’s partner had a therapy session with a homeless lady. what a wild conversation to relay back to him tbh

brain dead:

more commonly known as the resident banger of the anb ost

i don’t have a ton to say about this but lesbians (myself) do love a song that slaps

jonathan groff NAILS the phrase “what i am” it’s Gorgeous

the music still plays on:

mimi is such an incredible character don’t sleep on her wtfff

i think that the music still plays on gives a really interesting perspective both into mimi’s life, especially with the lines, “i was brash; i was bold,” and “married too young, and divorced far too old”

“the music still plays on… as my men depart” i think this line is interesting in that it emphasizes that mimi doesn’t want to be left alone. her divorce really affected her — it’s mentioned several times and she’s regretful. and right after it she feels stupid for feeling vulnerable. we see that later in the song, and the theme shifts into moving on, as the music (& life) still plays on

don’t give in:

hey so don’t give in is so fucking cursed both because of the beginning and jonathan groff mumbling “spaghetti”

you boys are gonna get me in such trouble:

RICH IS UHHH UNDERRATED

love the sound effects

title is Too Fucking Long

i’d rather be sailing (reprise):

“i choose to live” is such a powerful statement. it actually reminds me of the foreward to one of our choral pieces, named after the poem “invictus”

the lyrics “i am the master of my fate. i am the captain of my soul" from “invictus”, and the remark “just as death is inevitable, so is life” remind me so strongly of this reprise

the homeless lady’s revenge:

“i feel about eight”/ “don’t hyperventilate out on the street, normal, lively, and sweet” i love A Dynamic

“the life is wonderful”s are so nice… their voices blend so nicely

“half these books with my name on the cover”/“some with the name of your lover” i can’t believe mimi threw out ROGER’s books too oh my god. also a shared library…. sweet

roger’s attempt to persuade grace is very charming and her reaction is priceless and i love it so much. grace is such a chaotic force (insert prayer hands emoji x100)

also gordon’s “what!?”

the vocal arrangements in this is really nice in that everyone has in character, funny reactions, but the song still has lovely melodies and still feels like a song, not a filler. william finn really out here writing conversational theater at its peak. i definitely like these songs of his (like roger arrives, an invitation) because they don’t really get old and are so full of character

time:

“i give you time to value what you’ve found”

also let roger say “my love” not “my friend” oh my godddd

time and music:

yet again, a new brain showcases the beauty that is jonathan groff’s and aaron lazar’s vocal blend

and wow the vocal arrangements during the last half of time and music! holy shit! and it doesn’t even let up during the end of i feel so much spring!

i love the end of this show; its message is so hopeful honest

tl;dr listen to a new brain and talk to me about anb i have so many thoughts

[yourkeeperoftherunners]

You Sound so Good on Radio (RapMon AU)

Plot: AU You’re a DJ at your university’s student-run radio club and were called in to do a sample show last minute for a tour group of potential students. You caught his attention and he knew that he couldn’t go anywhere else. Especially if it meant he could share the airwaves with you at some point.

Rating: PG-13 (Language, implied cheating)

Characters: University Student!Kim Namjoon/Rap Monster x female Reader, University Student/Radio Club President!Kris (EXO-M), University Student/Fellow DJ!Johnny (NCT-127), and mentions of Seokjin and Yoongi (BTS)

Notes: This is an AU setting – all characters, background content, and storyline are fictional! This was an idea I’ve had kicking around in my head inspired by the writer’s personal experience of working in student-run radio shows at school. (It sat on the back burner until I realized it would be a good fit for music lover and brainy student Kim Namjoon.) Y/S/N stands for “your screen name”, Y/E/N is “your ex’s name”, and Y/DJ/N is “your DJ name.”

Happy Birthday Namjoon!

“Can I ask you to do a last minute show?”

“Uhhh maybe,” you drawled as you pressed your phone to your ear, “when?”

He sucked in a sharp breath and forced a smile as he revealed that he needed you to get over to the student radio booth in 40 minutes. Your eyes widened and you changed direction.

“Damn you Kris,” you hissed as you dug around in your bag, briefly checking that you had the essentials. “You’re lucky my next class was canceled – what’s this all about?”

“Potential students tour,” Kris explained. “Sorry Y/N – they threw this on me last minute too. Admissions wanted to show off the student radio program and they wanted a show playing live when the tour came through. I sort of panicked and didn’t know who to ask.”

“You owe me,” you warned him as you made a beeline for the studio, unlocking the door with your ID card. “Are there any rules Admissions set?”

“No profanity because it’s a daytime show, don’t run over into the next scheduled show’s slot…” Kris trailed off, biting his lip. “Um maybe pick some happy tunes or something? I don’t know – just make it seem cool to join radio, okay?”

“I’ll try. Wonder why they care all of sudden,” you droned as you pulled out your laptop and began pulling songs into a playlist.

“How do you take your coffee?” he asked.

“Make it the largest size available and you’re a godsend,” you said before hanging up. You plugged in the cords from the dashboard and began adding in bumpers that would play in between every 3 songs to promote the studio radio station. Complaints aside, radio was a welcome escape for you whenever you wanted a break from the stress of college. Anyone could apply to have a radio program, as long as they showed up for their time slot, followed the radio airwave rules, and attended the radio meetings that took place every other week.

“You’re listening to a special broadcast of Nocturnal Beats, coming to you live and in stereo from the radio station,” you announced into the microphone. “You just heard music from Halsey, a beautiful cover of Adele’s “Hello” by Alice Olivia, and “Skool Luv” by BTS. Speaking of school love, why not show your support for our talented lacrosse team at this Saturday’s game? Game starts at 7 PM, tickets are $7 at the gate…” You tore a glance at the bulletin board nearby to make sure you were covering all of the announcements posted during your talking break. From the corner of your left eye, you spotted a large group of families coming into the building, led by a student tour guide. Satisfied that you covered everything posted, you wrapped up your talking segment as you teased the next few songs coming up in the hour.

“Over here is the student radio booth – all of the programs broadcast are put on by students for students,” the guide said as she gestured to the booth. “Parents and friends are welcome to download the app or live stream it from your computer or WI-fi enabled devices to listen in as well. We have programs running 7 days a week from 7 AM to midnight, ranging from music, talk shows, and we’ve even had a few radio dramas played during the airwaves.”

You avoided the crowd’s gaze as you slotted in a bumper that announced that they were tuned into the student radio site, before blending it out to the next song – a mellow R&B tune from BIGBANG called “Blue”. You pulled the headphones off and switched the mic to off before checking the volume controls and scrolling through the radio instant chat function to answer messages.

js_giraffe: U cheating on me for daytime?

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes as you typed back to Johnny, AKA your friend who hosted a late night rant/talk show on Wednesdays. Occasionally you put in a guest appearance if he needed someone to banter with on the topics of choice for the shows – most people found your dynamic with him hilarious, especially if he tried to switch accents while you called him out for being a loser.

Y/S/N: ha try Kris needed someone to show off for the tour groups.

js_giraffe: O.o The model DJ…

js_giraffe: I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy!

Y/S/N: STFU

Y/S/N: It’s a one-time deal – get over your damn self!

“Now if you follow me, I’ll show you the mailroom,” the tour guide announced as she gestured to a hallway. Most of the families began to follow her to the next room while one young man lingered behind, tilting his head as he watched you switch between answering Johnny’s IMs and queuing more music for the remaining 15 minutes. He glanced over his shoulder at the group and quickly made up his mind to walk over to the glass separating you from him, tapping lightly on it.

You jerked your head up from looking at your laptop screen and held up a finger as you got up, making your way over to the entrance to the booth.

“Hi, may I help you?” you asked as you stuck your head out.

“Oh um ye-yeah!” the young man said. “How is the radio program here? Do you like it?” he asked with a faint accent.

“It’s a lot of fun,” you said slowly with a smile. “I really like it – this is my second year doing it. I started last spring and I’ve been doing it ever since. You can focus on any topic/style of show you want for the most part.” You frowned when you noticed the tour group was long gone.

“Oh I think you um-”

“I’ll find them – no worries,” he replied. He asked you more questions about the studio equipment, scheduling, requirements, etc. before you realized you were at the final 2 minutes of your program.

“Hang on, I need to close out the hour,” you apologized before running back into the station. You slipped the headphones on and turned the mic on, fading out the last song that was playing. “Looks like it’s last call gang – thanks for tuning into this special edition. I’ll catch you at my usual slot Friday night from 10-11 PM. Until then.” You turned off the mic and carefully unplugged your laptop, turning on instrumentals recorded in the station’s dashboard’s memory to fill the void while you packed up. Once you secured your bag on your shoulder, you headed to the door and frowned when you saw the young man was gone.

“So are you crossing this school off your list Joonie?” Yoongi asked his friend over the phone. “I mean, it’s kind of far and you don’t know a lot of English –“

“Actually I think I’m going to apply,” Namjoon replied with a grin as he leaned against the wall. “Campus is nice, professors seem decent, and I like their student life.”

“Wae?! But you can’t leave meeeeeeee!!!” the other male whined. “You’ll be too far away!”

“I think you can survive without me,” Namjoon chuckled as he ran a hand through his hair. “Besides, we can always call or Skype. Plus I’ll be home for the holidays.”

“But you have to apply first,” Seokjin interrupted, taking the phone from Yoongi. “There’s no guarantee this school will take you. Make sure you have back-ups in case.”

Namjoon snorted as he changed his phone to his other ear. He reassured Seokjin that he’d apply to a few local schools back home, just to be safe before hanging up and heading back to the area where the tour started. It was clear in his mind – he was getting in here no matter what.

“Welcome back,” Johnny greeted you as you took a seat in the auditorium beside him.

“Right back at you,” you replied, dropping your bag on the ground. “How was your summer?”

He shrugged and muttered that he split his time between Chicago and South Korea, thanks to his parents’ divorce. You listened as he described the tension during each stay, as both single parents had expressed their true feelings about one another to Johnny.

“Sorry Johnny,” you said with a sympathetic smile, “hey so, are you doing late night again?”

Johnny nodded and you confirmed that you were in again for another late night slot, as it was your favorite time to broadcast. You weren’t forced to be as strict with the profanity during timeslots closer to midnight and it was a fun way to get hyped for the weekend. Because this would be your third year of radio, you’d get first dibs on timeslots. A few days prior to the start of the new semester, you had gotten an e-mail from Kris asking if you wanted your old timeslot back, which you replied you did.

“All right guys! Can I have your attention please?” Kris called out, trying to regain control of the large group of students chattering away. He waited a few minutes before speaking again.

“Welcome to University Radio Club,” he began, “if you’re here because you’re taking radio as an elective or just because you want to, you’re in the right place. We meet every other week here at 9 PM – attendance is mandatory for those taking this as an elective. If you are brand new to radio, we’ll start taking sign ups for timeslots via e-mail. Please send us your top three choices and we’ll let you know if any are available. Past DJs will get first choice. Any questions so far?”

“The D-bag’s not doing radio anymore, right?” Johnny whispered as he leaned closer to you.

You shrugged, trying to seem indifferent. The “D-bag” in question was your ex, who cheated on you for two sorority chicks during a Greek life party. You swore he purposely chose the timeslot after you so he could saunter in and ruin your good mood with his presence, as his show was after yours for 3 semesters.

“I’ll deal with it like usual,” you muttered as you watched Kris start discussing the history of radio to the students taking this for credit.

“Welcome back to your place for top hits, fresh sounds, and jams to get you in the mood for your weekend – this is Nocturnal Beats!” you said into the mic with a smile. “Hope everyone stayed cool this summer. The bell may have rung but the fun’s never ending – I’ve got some new sounds to share from EXO and Twenty One Pilots so keep it here for this hour.”

Once you switched off the microphone, your phone buzzed with a text from Kris.

Galaxy

I’ll buy you a drink this weekend if you can do a last minute training for the rookie coming in after you.

Sent 10:07 PM

You

Fine.

Sent 10:08 PM

Hang on – rookie? Not Y/E/N?

Sent 10:08 PM

Galaxy

Nah he never answered my e-mail about radio this semester. This guy’s a first year – asked specifically for this slot.

Sent 10:09 PM

Tall, blonde hair in an undercut, name’s Namjoon Kim. He’s doing a rap show.

Sent 10:10 PM

You frowned as you re-read the texts and typed back a simple OK to Kris. Well, you could breathe easy – no asshole ex to deal with this semester. But you were surprised this kid got a prime spot – most first timers weren’t so lucky and would get an afternoon slot or an early morning time. Albeit his radio show content was probably better suited for nighttime versus editing out every curse word and innuendo possible. You’d meet him soon enough.

You shuttled a few IMs to Johnny and tore your gaze away from your laptop to see a tall Asian guy approaching the station, eerily fitting the description Kris texted you. He was busy typing something on his phone as he approached the radio station, walking into the door with a thud.

You blinked as you scrambled to your feet, eyes wide as he staggered back a few steps, wincing and cursing in Korean as he touched his forehead. Without wasting more time, you queued up a few more songs and a bumper before opening the door and checking on him.

“Hey you okay?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, yeah I’m fine,” he said as he pushed his dark framed glasses up on his nose. He shot you a sheepish smile and put his phone away in his pocket.

You studied him thoughtfully, examining his features. He looked awfully familiar…

“Hey so Y/N right? I don’t know you if you remember me, well I had dark hair last time we met, but um…” he trailed off, a shy smile on his face.

“Hang on, were you the guy who got left behind by the tour group to ask me questions about the radio station?” you recalled as you stepped out of the doorway. “Last semester in mid-March, right?”

He nodded as his smile spread across his face, resulting in the cutest dimples on his cheeks. You blinked as you silently compared the previous image you had of him in your mind to the guy standing before you now. He was cute then but with the blonde color and new haircut, he looked hot. It also sounded like his English had improved and the lingering trace of his accent was barely noticeable. Summer sure was kind to him…

“Wow I didn’t know you got in – congrats!” you replied as you nudged the door open wider, letting him into the station waiting room. “Welcome to university! I can’t believe you decided to take up radio too.”

Namjoon stepped through the doorway and watched as you closed the door to the station. “Well, it’s a funny story,” he began as he shoved his hands into his pockets. “A really chill DJ was doing a special show during my tour visit and she had a really hot voice. I was kind of a loser just staring at her and asking her dumb questions about radio, but she was so patient and really nice. So I felt encouraged to apply – I mean, I liked the classes and the professors too, but hearing this DJ was like the icing on the cake. I wanted to come here and do radio too. Maybe run into her again.”

You ducked your head and smiled, crossing your arms over your chest. “You found me Namjoon,” you replied.

He squared his shoulders and allowed a slightly cocky smile to cross his lips. “Rap Monster. No DJ, just Rap Monster around here.”

You contemplated his moniker and nodded in approval.

“It suits you,” you said. “Well you’ll go live for your first show in 10 minutes – think you’re ready?”

He removed his glasses from his nose and swapped them for a pair of dark wayfarers, pushing them up on his nose.

“Bring it on Y/DJ/N.”

[egopocalypse]

Egotober Day 3: Abandonment

“Bye sweetie, Daddy loves yo-” Chase’s voice cut off as the call cut off abruptly. He sighed in despair and pulled the phone away from his ear, staring at the lock screen for a few seconds. The wide smiles of his kids were frozen in time, making him remember how good things had been not even a year ago.

But that was before he found out Stacy had been cheating on him.

Chase slumped over in the chair as he rubbed his face, letting his hands hold up the weight of his head. He hated the fact that his kids were being pulled into the divorce. He was fine with joint custody of them, but Stacy wanted sole custody of them, and Chase wasn’t having that.

His heart sunk as he remembered the crushing amount of debt he had to pay off. He’s spent so much money on lawyers for this custody battle that he was barely able to afford the apartment he had been renting recently.

He had a right to see his kids, dammit!! He hadn’t done anything to deserve this!! Why was she doing this to him?? A wave of anger coursed through him and he slammed his fist on the table, the pain that shot through his hand doing its best to cool him down.

...Okay, so maybe he had a bit of a temper. But he’s never raised a hand against anybody, let alone his wife and kids!! He just wanted to be a part of their lives, and yet Stacy was treating him like garbage as she dragged them all through this hell.

Chase ran a hand through his hair as he glanced at the office door, knowing that Chad was still out with the camera and waiting to record more shots. He didn’t feel ready to go back out though, and decided to stay in the room for just a little while longer, just to get some breathing space. It may not seem like much to anybody else, but the silence was helping him...

Until the voice in his head decided to speak up.

Look at you, the voice hissed, slithering through his mind. You’re a pathetic waste of space, Chase.

Chase clenched his jaw, trying to drown out the invasive thoughts. He’s always heard it, but it had recently gotten persistent, growing in volume and frequency.

They abandoned you, they threw you aside. The voice whispered. Sam doesn’t talk to you anymore, Grayson refuses to look at you, and Stacy hates you. You’ll never get them back.

“Shut up.” He murmured, not realizing he spoke aloud.

You’re useless. Stupid. You’re nothing to them. Why bother trying anymore??

“Because I love them. No matter what happens.” Chase stated firmly, stubbornly refusing to listen as he fought to remember how to fight the voice. Could music stop it?? He couldn’t recall.

She’ll win the case. You won’t get them back. They’ll be gone forever. Just give it up already.

“I can’t!!” Chase opened his eyes (when had he closed them??) to find himself curled into a ball on the floor. His hands were entangled in his hair, his signature cap thrown aside for a better grip. His back was leaning against the wall, body heat melting through the cool surface.

giveupgiveupgiveupgiveupGIVEUPGIVEUPGIVEUPGIVEUP-

Chase felt a pressure weighing against his chest, restricting his ability to breathe as the voice shouted in his head, accompanied by a ringing sensation in his ears. He was paralyzed, nothing moving except for the harsh breaths escaping his mouth and nose.

“STOP IT!!” He yelled, pushing his hands against his ears with great force as if he was trying to squeeze the voice out of his brain.

A light knock on the door was ignored by Chase in favor of his fruitless attempts to block out the voice. The doorknob jiggled incessantly, showcasing Chad’s efforts to enter the room, but it was futile. The door had been locked when Chase had gotten the call, as he knew how nosy his partner could get (the one time he had been followed into the bathroom was creepy) and he didn’t want his private conversations filmed when they could use the storage space for his shots.

He wished he left the door unlocked now.

A yell erupted in the distance, but Chase couldn’t tell if it was his or Chad’s. The world was drifting, and Chase felt like he was no longer in control of his own body.

...Wait a second, why couldn’t he move his arm??

Chase felt terror overwhelm him as his arm stayed limp against his side, even as he concentrated on moving it. The voice was cackling now, the sound reverberating through his skull, and he winced as his head started to pound incessantly.

The pain increased significantly, and he felt limp, almost like he was… floating.

Any minute ǹ̡͢o͠͏̵w̵͘͘͜… The voice whispered faintly, almost as if it didn’t want Chase to overhear. He was forced to ignore the implications of the voice’s words as he glanced down, his eyes bugging out in surprise.

His arm was moving now, but it wasn’t responding to him. It was like something else was in control, and he was a spectator in his own body.

What are you doing to me?? Chase asked desperately as he was trapped within the confines of his own mind. His anguish caused the voice to chuckle lowly in response as the last vestiges of control slipped away from him.

“Wh̢y,͡ I̷'̕m͏ ̛mer҉e͢l̡y͡ tàkìng ̸c͞a̴r̵e ̴of th̸e̡ pr͏o̧ble̸m̕, ̧Chase̡.” The voice responded, cracking his neck as he adjusted to the proportions of his new body. “Yo̢u̧ w҉an̡t̶e͘d ̨t͜o ̶se͢e̴ your ҉wi҉fé ͠a̢nd ̧kid̀s ag̨ai̡n̨,͞ ͝ŕigh͟t͡?̶? I̸'ll ͟make s҉ur̴e y̴o̴u g̀eţ a ̵go̵ơd l̨ook͡ ̵at҉ ͝them̷,̀ r̨ight as͞ ҉I͘'m̕ ̷rip̨p͡i̶n͢g t̴he͞i̡ŕ ̵he͝a̵r̶ts̕ from̀ ̵t̷h͢e͝i̧r̶ ches̨t̢s̕!!”

Please!! Chase pleaded, his agony palpable. Do what you want to me, but don’t hurt them!! I’ll do anything!!

“Ǹo͠ can ͞d͝o͘,͢ ̵b̴u̡ḑd̕y ̶boy̢.” The being grinned grotesquely, not used to having a body. ̧ “Yoư ̨did͟n't wa͏nt ͡to̢ ͢b҉e ̢a̛b̧a̛nd̀oned,̸ ri͠gh̀t̕??̨ ̧We̸ļl͘ d͏o̵n̡'t͏ ̨w̧or̢ry͘, ͜I'͏ll̸ m̷ąk̛e҉ sur͟e ̴yo͝u'͢re͠ ne̛v͘er̀ ̕alonȩ a͟g̸ài̷n͝!͞!̴”

Just stop this, please!! I’m begging you!!

“Now,͞ as much ̵as ̨I͡'͜d ҉like̶ ̡t̡ò c͞hat͟ ̛w̧i̶t͠h̶ you̷,͞ ́I'̷ve g̷ot͟ so͜me ̛w̵ork͞ ͢t̛o̡ do̸. D͠on't woŗry̕, ͢I̛'͜ll҉ ma̧ke ͝sur̡e̴ ̵t̶o҉ ̴takè g̵ood͠ ca̢re of͡ yo͝u͏r ̧fa͜m̶i̧l̕y̢ w̕h͢en͞ yo̸u ̸wakę u͢p͠.͡ ̷”

Spots started to dance across his vision as Chase struggled to stay conscious, but it was not enough to regain control. The being was just too strong.

“S̀w̷e̷et͏҉ d͠r̡e͏̷̶a̷̢m̡ş,͟ C͢h̀aş̀e̕.̴̀ ̴S̨e̵̢ȩ͘ ͡͏ỳ̡̕o͢͝͞ú ̵̢̀ìn ́ţ͘h̶e͞ m̡o̕r̸n͟i̷̡͜ng͡͞.̡͟”

And with that, Chase slipped away, and Anti was born, ready to wreak havoc in the world.

[cover2covermom]

Why hello there February!  Ta-ta January!!!

I don’t know about you all, but I had a fantastic month.  Not only was I able to slay my January TBR and read a total of 10 books, but I was able to get back into my blogging groove.

Let’s see how I fared in January, shall we?

» After being on a hiatus from October – December 2017, I feel like I am finally back into the swing of things.  I really focused this month on writing book reviews to clear out my backlog of NetGalley reviews.   This will most likely continue through February until I am all caught up.

» Moving forward, I will only be writing full reviews for books I receive for review.  For all other books I read, I will be breaking them up into genres (historical fiction, fantasy, thriller, etc) & posting mini-reviews once I have about 5 books to review in each category.  I wish I had time to review every book I read, but it just isn’t realistic since I read much faster than I review.

*Book titles link to Goodreads

» The House at the Edge of Night by Catherine Banner

Feelings in a few thoughts:

this book is a gem – I wish it had received more attention when it came out in 2016 ¤ set on an island off the coast of Italy – small island living where everyone is in everyone else’s business

loved the inclusion of folklore & superstition (inspired by Sicilian & Italian folklore?

this book follows one family over the span of the 20th century – you would think character development would suffer as the different descendants come to the forefront of the story, but the author somehow pulls it off so well

family secrets & drama

interesting seeing the progression of the island community throughout the course of the century

» The Girl in the Tower (Winternight #2) by Katherine Arden

Feelings in a few thoughts:

Even BETTER than the first book!

I love Vasya’s character.  I love that she is fierce, brave, independent, level-headed, and kind

Political intrigue

Sibling relationships – complicated, but at the end of the day they always have each other’s backs.

Religious tones – not preachy.  Christianity vs. Paganism.

I’m a sucker for books where women disguise themselves as men – Think Mulan

The Bear and the Nightingale was a slower moving book for world building purposes – The Girl in the Tower is an action packed adventure.

If you enjoy this series, I’d recommend the YA historical fiction (no fantasy) series The Conqueror’s Saga: And I Darken & Now I Rise by Kiersten White.  It is a gender swap retelling of Vlad the Impaler.

» Tumbledown Manor by Helen Brown

Feelings in a few thoughts:

Same plotline as Under the Tuscan Sun – divorced woman moves to another country, buys old house, begins fixing up old house with goofy contractors, disasters along the way, and a wedding at the house at the end of the book… sound familiar?

The romance was very awkward.

Struggled with the writing at times: “But his pillow was as vacant as the wastelands of Antarctica” “It was her favorite pillow, so it probably harbored superbugs.” “The scar ran in a horizontal line across her torso like a ruler marking the end of a school essay.” “…row of suns yellow as egg yolks.” “Scott’s boots lay like a pair of drunken sailors under the step.”

Best part about the book is that the MC is an author who writes a series of books based off the Brontë sisters, so there were lots of tidbits of information about the sisters and their lives.

Love the cover

» May the Road Rise Up to Meet You by Peter Troy

Feelings in a few thoughts:

This book is about 4 hours too long – because of the length & slower moving plot, this book took me a month to read.

The convergence of the 2 love stories didn’t really work for me.  There wasn’t a significant enough connection between Ethan/Marcella and Micah/Mary.  They all just kind of met up at the end, which felt a little forced.

This book needed to be separated into two books: Ethan & Marcella’s story, and Micah & Mary’s story.  I enjoyed both stories, but it was too much all together.

This wasn’t a bad book by any means, just feel that the author was a little too ambitious.

» The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

Feelings in a few thoughts:

The Handmaid’s Tale is timeless.  I cannot believe this book was written in the early 80’s.

With the current situation in the U.S., this book felt very relevant.  It is also what makes it so terrifying, the fact that it isn’t so unbelievable as you would hope.

This wasn’t exactly an enjoyable read.  It made me angry, which was Atwood’s intent.

Loved the open-endness of this book and felt it was really fitting of the story for us to leave some things up to the reader’s imagination.

The way THT is written took a little bit to get used to – switches from present to past frequently without clear indication.

This book isn’t action packed, but it still packs a punch.

» Nora & Kettle by Lauren Nicolle Taylor

Feelings in a few thoughts:

Content/Trigger Warning: child abuse.  This book ended up including a topic that I am very sensitive to: child abuse.  Generally I can handle books that do not go into graphic detail, but unfortunately this one did.  This was a hard book for me to get through.

Going to leave this one unrated because it ended up include a topic I am sensitive to.  I don’t feel like it would be fair to rate this one because of this.

This book would have been better as a single POV book.  I feel like it would have been better to tell this one through Kettle’s eyes alone.

Loved that the characters in this story showed the aftermath of the interment of Japanese Americans during WWII, HOWEVER the author gave zero information about the actual event.   We only get small flashbacks of life in the camp through the characters’ eyes, but we don’t get any actual historical context.  If you are not familiar with this event in history, you would have to look it up to see what the author is talking about.

Less a Peter Pan retelling, and more like the story was inspired by Peter Pan – this aspect was well done.

» The Queen of Blood (The Queens of Renthia #1) by Sarah Beth Durst

*4.5 stars*

Feelings in a few thoughts:

I loved the world in The Queen of Blood: the idea that humans & spirits (water, earth, air, fire, etc.) have to coexist despite the fact that spirits desire the eradication of all humans.  The setting was also intriguing: people colonizing in trees together to form villages & cities… very whimsical

Daleina was such an awesome main character.  I admired her level-headedness, cleverness, dedication, work ethic, and bravery.  I also really appreciated that she was not the best, in fact she struggled, with controlling the spirits.  It was refreshing to see someone who had to make up for things that do not come naturally with hard work and cleverness.

I was worried at first that this book was going to be cliché, but it wasn’t like anything I had read before.  Some things were not a big shock, but I was still surprised a fair amount of times.

Positive female friendship – zero girl hate!

The ending was on point!

» The Hatching (The Hatching #1) by Ezekiel Boone

Feelings in a few thoughts:

I stepped WAY outside of my comfort zone with this one… I tend to avoid books that have to do with things I am terrified of, like man-eating spiders.

If I had no idea who the author was before reading this, I could have told you it was written by a man.  This book definitely feels like a book that would appeal to the “man’s man.”  This is not a criticism of the book, just that you should not expect “flowery writing.”

I would describe this book as being a little “rough around the edges.”  It has foul language and is crude at times, which doesn’t bother me, but if you are easily offended this probably isn’t your book.

Despite the fact that this book terrified me, it was very readable – I had to know what was going to happen next.

Loved that Boone had so many female characters in positions of power in this story: the president, a marine squad leader, a leading scientist in the field of spiders…

While I understand why the author chose to tell this story by introducing us to multiple characters, it was almost too much.  I would have preferred for the story to have been told through 3-4 main POVs, and leave the others off.  We were introduced to a new character every chapter up until the 30% mark before we cycled back around to some of the past characters.

The Hatching leaves us with a HUGE cliffhanger, enough of one that I am throwing around the idea of reading the next book.

» Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli

Feelings in a few thoughts:

I would have adored this book when I was in high school.  This is such an appropriate YA romance.

There isn’t much of a plotline – this is a very character driven story.

Would recommend to fans of Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe BUT I felt the pacing of this book was much better than Aristotle and Dante

Positive family dynamics with parents that are actually involved with their children’s’ lives.  A teenager actually got grounded in a YA book?!  Thank you!  I don’t know about you all, but I spent much of my teen years grounded.

Positive friendships for the most part – just a smidge of “girl hate” in Leah & Abby’s relationship, BUT there was at least a reasoning behind it.

The author nailed Simon’s perspective – I really felt like I was in the head of a teenager.

There were two parts in the plot that annoyed me a little – they both have to do with separate fights that Leah & Abby have with Simon… Really?  HOWEVER I try to keep in mind that these are teenagers.

FYI: Simon’s last name (Spier) is pronounced “SP-EAR” – I just looked at the spelling and if I hadn’t listened to it via audiobook I would have been pronouncing it “SPY-ER”

» Binti (Binti #1) by Nnedi Okorafor

Feelings in a few thoughts:

This world gave me Star Wars and The Fifth Element vibes.

There were times where I had a difficult time following along & understanding the world & the concepts – this isn’t a criticism of the book per se, as it is probably more me not being able to wrap my head around everything.

The writing is breathtaking.

Themes: cultural diversity, peace, communication, customs & traditions, forging one’s own path, etc.

Binti was an amazing female lead – smart, talented, brave, level-headed, etc.

The audiobook is wonderfully narrated by Robin Miles,

I really wish this had been a full length novel – how was the author able to pack in such a mind-blowing world in such a short novella?!?

I think fans of The Fifth Season would enjoy this novella series.

  2017 Reading Wrap-Up + Bookish Goals for 2018

January 2018 TBR

2017 New Releases I Wish I Had Read in 2017

Book Event: Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng Book Tour

Book Event: The Language of Thorns by Leigh Bardugo Book Tour

Book Reviews:

Book Review: The Last Girl (The Dominion Trilogy #1) by Joe Hart

Book Review: North of Here by Laurel Saville

Book Review: Enchanted Islands by Allison Amend

Book Reiew: Risuko: A Kunoichi Tale by David Kudler

eBooks:

» As Good As True by Cheryl Reid

A powerful and haunting novel of a woman’s broken past and the painful choices she must make to keep her family and her home.

August 1956. After a night of rage and terror, Anna Nassad wakes to find her abusive husband dead and instinctively hides her bruises and her relief. As the daughter of Syrian immigrants living in segregated Alabama, Anna has never belonged, and now her world is about to erupt.

Days before, Anna set in motion an explosive chain of events by allowing the first black postman to deliver the mail to her house. But it’s her impulsive act of inviting him inside for a glass of water that raises doubts about Anna’s role in her husband’s death.

As threats and suspicions arise in the angry community, Anna must confront her secrets in the face of devastating turmoil and reconcile her anguished relationship with her daughter. Will she discover the strength to fight for those she loves most, even if it means losing all she’s ever known?

» Declaration: A Poetry Chapbook in Three Movements by Jeff Roush

This poetry chapbook constitutes the first collection published by Jeff Roush. Its inspiration and organizational structure come from Jefferson’s inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The chapbook focuses its linguistic eye and musical ear on quiet moments in everyday life that fall among and across these lofty concepts.

Physical Books:

» Beartown by Fredrik Backman

The #1 New York Times bestselling author of A Man Called Ove returns with a dazzling, profound novel about a small town with a big dream—and the price required to make it come true.

People say Beartown is finished. A tiny community nestled deep in the forest, it is slowly losing ground to the ever encroaching trees. But down by the lake stands an old ice rink, built generations ago by the working men who founded this town. And in that ice rink is the reason people in Beartown believe tomorrow will be better than today. Their junior ice hockey team is about to compete in the national semi-finals, and they actually have a shot at winning. All the hopes and dreams of this place now rest on the shoulders of a handful of teenage boys.

Being responsible for the hopes of an entire town is a heavy burden, and the semi-final match is the catalyst for a violent act that will leave a young girl traumatized and a town in turmoil. Accusations are made and, like ripples on a pond, they travel through all of Beartown, leaving no resident unaffected.

Beartown explores the hopes that bring a small community together, the secrets that tear it apart, and the courage it takes for an individual to go against the grain. In this story of a small forest town, Fredrik Backman has found the entire world. 

Which books did you read this month?

Have you read any of the books I read or hauled this month?  If so, what did you think?

Did you buy any books?  If so, which ones?

Comment below & let me know 🙂

How was your #reading month in January? I read 10 #books! See which ones in my #wrapup. #BookBlogger #Bookworm Why hello there February!  Ta-ta January!!! I don't know about you all, but I had a fantastic month. 

[mysteryshelf]

BLOG TOUR - Weave a Murderous Web

DISCLAIMER: This content has been provided to THE PULP AND MYSTERY SHELF by Book Publicity Services. No compensation was received. This information required by the Federal Trade Commission.

Weave A Murderous Web is a mystery novel by Anne Rothman-Hicks and Kenneth Hicks. It is one of three books in the Jane Larson series, published by Melange Books.

Synopsis:

  No good deed goes unpunished. When Jane Larson—a hot-shot litigator for a large firm in New York City—helps out a friend, she is sucked into the unfamiliar world of divorce and child support.

Jane’s discovery of the deadbeat dads hidden assets soon unravels a web of lies, drugs, and murder that keeps getting more dangerous.

Soon, Jane is involved in a high stakes race to recover a missing suitcase of cash and catch the murderer before she becomes the next victim.

  Praise:

  “A sleuthing lawyer returns to the streets of New York in this mystery of drugs, murder, and financial skullduggery… the husband-wife team of Rothman-Hicks and Hicks has again produced a fast-paced, engaging story… overall, this is a satisfying read. An enjoyable romp involving a shady attorney and the mob that should make readers look forward to the next Jane Larson caper.” – Kirkus

  “The action is breathtaking and the writing beautiful. Weave a Murderous Web: A Jane Larson Novel is a story that reminds me of the characters of John Grisham’s Gray Mountain… Jane Larson is the kind of character that will be loved by many readers… The plot is well thought out and masterfully executed, laced with numerous surprises to keep readers turning the pages. This is one of those books that should occupy an enviable place in your shelf if you are into fast-paced thrillers and compelling investigative stories.” – 5 Stars, Ruffina Oserio, Readers’ Favorite

  “MURDEROUS WEB is a classic whodunit with classic New York City characters.” – Gimme That Book

  “Weave a Murderous Web is an enthralling murder mystery. It gets your heart pounding with action and passion, while simultaneously entangling your mind with its ambiguity. The dynamic duo has done it again. The husband and wife writing team of Anne Rothman-Hicks and Ken Hicks pens another on-the-edge-of-your seat murder mystery. Engaging. Witty. Fast paced. I love the Hicks’ contemporary writing style. The narrative is full of delightful metaphorical statements. The setting takes you into the heart of New York City – it reflects just the right amount of ambiance… As the plot progresses, the intensity heightens, catapulting you into a surprising twist, then plummets you into a sudden, yet satisfying end.” – 5 Stars, Cheryl E. Rodriguez, Readers’ Favorite

  “Weave a Murderous Web involves a hotshot Wall Street lawyer who is a sassy, cynical New Yorker through and through. To help out a friend, she gets involved in a seamy matrimonial case that quickly pulls her into a vortex of murder, drugs, and dangerous games of deception.” – The Big Thrill

  “Weave a Murderous Web is a smart and entertaining mystery by Anne Rothman-Hicks and Ken Hicks that will leave lovers of the genre anxiously waiting for another installment starring the intrepid protagonist, Jane Larson… Weave a Murderous Web has plenty to keep the reader engaged as Jane digs in her heels, determined to get to the truth. Witty dialogue, supported by great writing and some understated humor, makes this book not only a must-read – but also a darned good one!” – 5 Stars, Marta Tandori, Readers’ Favorite

  Excerpt:

Chapter One

  I was in my office at Adams & Ridge talking on the telephone when Francine entered. At the moment, my friend, Lee, was on the other end of the wire, yakking up a storm in my ear. Her rant covered already familiar terrain. My man, my David, was drifting dangerously away from me while I did nothing to win him back. As we say around the courts, Oy.

Francine tiptoed forward and placed on my desk a two-day-old copy of The Daily News opened to the item concerning Mark Samuels’ death.

“I gotta go, Lee,” I said.

While Francine waited for me, she had backed into a corner of my office, leaned against the wall, and tried to make her six feet of lanky body less noticeable. Two large metal buttons were pinned to her heavily braided cotton sweater. One read Stop Fracking New York and the other protested against the annual Canadian seal hunt with a scarlet X through an image of a baby seal whose brains had been battered to a pink pulp.

I pointed at the newspaper and gave her a questioning glance, but she quickly averted her eyes to stare at the floor.

“Have you been listening to me at all?” Lee demanded. Her voice rose to a kind of exasperated wail. “David has been dating someone. I think he may be getting serious.”

“David was born serious, Lee,” I said.

“Stop it, Jane,” she shouted so I had to hold the phone away from my ear. Even Francine raised an eyebrow. “You know what I mean.”

“I’m sorry, Lee.”

“I don’t understand why you’re taking this so nonchalantly. You know you still love him. You could get back together in a heartbeat if you’d just spend a tenth as much time on a relationship as you spend on your career.”

“I’m a lawyer, Lee. Not a—”

A sharp intake of breath followed. “Not a baby maker?” Lee demanded. Anger replaced the plaintive wail. “Is that what you were going to say?”

Would I ever admit that the word had been on the tip of my tongue?

“No. I was going to say, ‘not a librarian’, or the owner of some other nine-to-five job. The hours come with the territory, Lee. David knows that, but deep down in that wonderful heart of his, he also thinks the hours spent at the office are A-okay for the guy, but not for the girl. In any event, Martha didn’t raise her daughter to compete over a man.”

The sound of a whale breaching the surface erupted from the phone. “You’re maddening, Jane.”

“No, I’m busy,” I replied.

Lee sighed. “Well, I have to go too. Laurie is home sick and I’m taking her to the doctor. We’ll talk more later, Jane. I’m not going to sit back and let this happen to my two best friends in the world. I’m going to fight, Jane.”

“Goodbye, Lee.”

She disconnected.

Actually, I wasn’t busy at all, or I wouldn’t have spent even that much time on the phone being lectured by Lee. She’s an old friend from Columbia Law, but enough is enough.

A major litigation I had been working on had settled just a day before and the client and powers-that-be at Adams & Ridge were very happy with me—especially Seymour Ridge. The old man himself had hammered out the settlement shortly after I made the CEO of the party suing our client look like a doofus on the witness stand. So, I had some time on my hands until I was given another assignment.

More to the point, I wanted to know why Francine was still standing in my office, staring at the tips of her shoes. She was a legal assistant with the firm. I had gotten her the job. However, she didn’t work on any of my cases. That was a rule I had laid down from the beginning.

“Hello, Francine,” I said.

“Hi, Jane.” She looked up shyly, smiled her timid smile, gave a meaningful glance in the direction of the paper and resumed looking at her shoes. I had known her for so long that she was more like a relative than a friend, in the sense that one does not choose one’s relatives. She was really really shy but also effective in getting her way with me. I read the article.

It was as depressing as I had expected. Mark Samuels was a single practitioner who worked out of a small office above a bodega on 116th Street. He wasn’t married and had no family to speak of. The exact date and hour of his demise were uncertain. The body was discovered only after fellow inhabitants of his East Village apartment house reported a foul odor during the last week in June when a heat wave had sent temperatures rising into the high nineties. Those same conditions had made his remains swell like a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

How can a person die without anyone knowing for a week or ten days? Did he have no friend or family member who cared to check on him? Were all of them as completely egotistical as he was?

The cause of death, however, was easy to determine. When the cops broke down his door, three short fat lines of cocaine were still in place on the old-fashioned hand mirror Mark used to chop the drug fine enough to snort. The coroner confirmed Mark died of severe heart arrhythmia, which is to say his ticker skipped a few too many beats before stopping altogether. Testing of the merchandise showed the stuff he’d inhaled had been nearly pure—several times the strength of what is normally available on the street. As the cops put it, either he had chosen to depart this green orb flying on nose powder or he was inordinately careless. I suppose it didn’t much matter which alternative was true. The result was the same. An overdose had killed him.

I looked up warily, unwilling to reveal I had the slightest interest in the entire subject.

“Why are you showing this to me, Francine,” I asked.

“Didn’t you know Mark when you worked for Legal Services for the Poor?”

Did she expect me to burst into tears?

“Yeah,” I said, “and he was just as big a screw-up then. They put him in the Family Law area because he could do the least harm there. At least no one could lose their apartment or get sent to jail because of him.”

Francine winced. You might think this resulted from a superstitious aversion to speaking ill of the dead. You would be wrong. Francine had an aversion to speaking ill both of the living and the dead.

“He kept doing matrimonial work after he left Legal Services,” Francine added. She nodded, as if agreeing with her own words, then fell into silence. Silence was her friend.

“And?” I said.

Francine pulled up her sweater, which was being dragged low by those protest buttons and exposing her collarbones and the top of her boney chest. Her stringy hair, a field mouse brown, had no discernible style. She had never chosen to master the art of makeup despite my efforts with pencil, rouge, and lipstick back when we were teenagers. The only jewelry she now wore was a pendulous locket with gold thread tying it together. She said she’d purchased it in a wild moment at an uptown thrift shop. Of course, those buttons and their slogans were a kind of jewelry, I suppose, in that jewelry also says, “Look at me. This is what I am.”

Francine smiled at her shoes and continued. “Well, he had a client, Gail Hollings, who is a very good friend of mine, Jane, and—”

Now I saw where this was going. “Would this friend of yours be in need of a lawyer?”

“She’s in an awful fix, Jane. She has a court appearance at two o’ clock this afternoon. She gave Mark three thousand dollars, which was all she could scrape together. She has no money left at all.”

“Ridge will be glad to hear that. No money. Great.”

Francine rummaged in the front pocket of her cargo pants, pulled out a wallet, and then drew from inside it a picture of a young child with long blond pigtails that dwarfed her diminutive round face but did not steal the scene from her toothy grin.

“She has a little girl,” Francine added, glancing from the snapshot to me and back again to emphasize her point.

“No money, no lawyer, and a kid. This just keeps getting better, doesn’t it?”

My mother, Martha, who insists I call her by her first name, always says Francine faces a bright future if Jesus’ prediction about the meek is really true. Believe me, the meek have power, especially over those of us with guilt. Martha would love that. Guilt. I was like a fish nibbling at a big juicy worm and getting closer and closer to the hook. Francine was the fisherwoman, waiting patiently for the slightest pull on the line.

“Look, you know I can’t take on this case, Francine. However, I have some free time today, so I can at least go down to court and adjourn the matter until we can find someone to help Gail and little…”

“Courtney,” Francine said with a rush of breath that made the name seem like a prayer. An expression filled her eyes that reminded me of an early Renaissance image of a martyr at the moment of supreme sacrifice, pain mixed with a kind of bliss that seems to make it all worthwhile.

The hook was set. That much was obvious. Francine had only to slowly reel me in.

I opened a drawer and pulled out a legal pad to record the names of mother and daughter.

“There’s just one thing maybe you should know,” Francine said.

My pencil poised in midair and then wrote “one thing” with an exclamation point. I still have that piece of paper in the top drawer of my desk.

“Yes?”

“Well, Carmen Ruiz has kind of taken an interest in this because of the women’s rights angle and what happened to Mark and all.”

“Carmen Ruiz? Last time I heard of her, she was spending time at a fat farm.”

This was code. Everyone knew that the ‘fat farm,’ as I had injudiciously put it, was also a place where people could lose other bad habits, such as drugs.

Francine winced again and swallowed hard. “That’s unkind, Jane.”

Chalk one up for the meek.

“You’re right, Francine. How is Carmen doing?”

“She’s got a new gig on cable. One of the local news stations.”

I nodded. I was safe from unkind remarks if I kept my mouth shut. At one time the cognoscenti had called Carmen the “female Wolf Blitzer” because she had enjoyed asking the hard questions, especially of men who were not used to being pushed around. The fact that she had the flashing good looks of a gypsy queen didn’t hurt, but now she was scuffling on cable news.

“She said she called you a couple of times.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve been busy.”

I was on the verge of getting back the advantage, never easy in a conversation with humanitarian types like Francine, especially if your mother always places such types on a pedestal, a very high pedestal.

Martha has not been affiliated with any organized religion since her mind began to function at age eleven. Still, she shares Jesus’ distrust of wealth and is fond of quoting both his advice to sell all you have and give it to the poor and his adage that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.

“You don’t even believe in Jesus,” I argue.

“I don’t have to believe in Jesus as God to know he’s telling the truth,” she retorts.

When I had accepted the job at Adams & Ridge, Carmen had had some unkind things to say to mutual friends about my going for the gold. Her whole premise that Martha’s goodness had gotten lost in one generation to my grabbiness had cut a bit too close to the bone. I hadn’t forgotten.

“Carmen’s working on a series about children and the courts,” Francine said. “Kids falling into poverty are a very big problem.”

“I’m aware of the problem, Francine. I’ll skip over the question of what has made Carmen give a good hoot in hell about children all of a sudden. What does any of this have to do with that coke-head Mark?”

“Oh, nothing much. Nothing at all really.”

She was hedging, worried that the prospect of helping Carmen might have made me shut the whole thing down before it ever began.

“Go on, Francine.”

“It’s just… she knew Mark fairly well and doesn’t think his death was accidental. She says Mark did drugs too much to do something that stupid.”

“So she thinks he did it on purpose? Is that it? He committed suicide over the predicament of his client and child?”

“Not exactly,” Francine said.

In hindsight I can see clearly how nonchalant she wanted to seem, playing with the gold locket and dropping it inside her sweater, glancing in the direction of the window as if a pretty bird had alighted there.

“Carmen thinks Mark was murdered.”

  About the Authors:

Anne Rothman-Hicks and Kenneth Hicks have been collaborating on books for forty-six years.  Their first joint effort was a student project while Anne was at Bryn Mawr College and Ken attended Haverford. Since then, they have written over twenty books together. They are members of International Thriller Writers. They live and work in New York City, where many of their books are set.

  Their Jane Larson series of mystery/thrillers involves a high-powered New York City attorney with a penchant for getting involved in situations that she would be better off leaving alone. These novels have been praised by reviewers for their gritty portrayals of city life, lively characters, fast action, surprise endings and highly polished prose. Jane is cynical and rebellious, but she finds herself drawn to the simple life her deceased mother lived as an attorney who served women unable to afford legal services. The first two books in the series are Weave A Murderous Web and Praise Her, Praise Diana, both published by Melange Books, LLC. A third novel, Mind Me, Milady, will be published in early 2017.

  Readers can connect with them on Facebook, Twitter, and Goodreads.

  To learn more, go to http://randh71productions.com/blog/

BLOG TOUR – Weave a Murderous Web was originally published on the Wordpress version of The Pulp and Mystery Shelf