#literally it’s been so hard to post shit because people can’t behave for five seconds

[crowrelli]

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[yogpetshame]

That link

This link

So, to make a very very long story short - Taiga is a very small streamer with an average audience size of less than 300 (phrasing it like that is a kick in the teeth and I’ll explain why in a moment) who has been streaming very recently with Duncan and Pedguin. 

He has a ‘little’ fetish and collects shota porn. He claims to not be a pedophile but the distinction between that and admitting to being a ‘little’ and collecting porn of anime children is pretty much lost on me. He says it’s not important because he only commissioned shota “3 years ago,” as though 2018 was a different time where watersports involving children younger than five was commonplace.

I don’t find any particularly strong evidence that he’s a racist, that seems to hinge entirely on one screenshot, which Taiga says isn’t real, where he seems to be calling a guy of unknown race the n-word. So he’s more edgy and offensive than racist, technically.

Anyway that’s it for the explanation of why he’s par for the Yogscast, he’s a garbage person. But the part of it’s that’s really entertaining is the extra doc on egocentrism. Mainly because, like most things the Yogscast have breathed on, this breaks new ground and pioneers a whole new world of being toxic on Twitch. I wouldn’t really like going on and on about Taiga except for that I was expecting Twitch’s whole system to incentivize streamers to begin behaving in the way you are about to see and this was the first time I’ve actually seen it laid out.

First thing: moderators as analysts.

“In the above screencap a mod is informing Taiga about viewer statistics after the stream... For additional context, Taiga created his own special terminology to refer to viewer count ranges: (Okay <=300, Good >=300, Great >=360).”

I think ideally a moderator is just a good representative from your community. A streamer shouldn’t ask them to do much more than they were already doing without the title. Be a beacon for chat, smother arguments. No homework. And if your moderators quit watching one day, no hard feelings, they weren’t being paid in the first place.

Asking for a post-stream debrief and audience analysis and then berating them for it is megalomania. Why’s light green even doing this, just because Taiga asked? It’s pulling a favor out of whatever parasocial relationship light green feels as a moderator.

The only place you could justifiably place the blame of viewership on is Taiga. If Taiga streams Minecraft and people don’t like it and tune out, it was his call and it’ll be his responsibility to learn from it. There’s nothing in the world the moderators could do to make a more significant impact on Taiga’s viewership than Taiga himself... but of course in the next section he imagines they have more influence than they do.

Taiga makes his ongoing struggles with viewership the burden of his moderators instead of just himself, essentially turning them into a team of struggling Girl Scouts with increasingly stale cookies. If you like Taiga, then sell Taiga. Why is Taiga doing badly, do you not like Taiga enough to want him to succeed? I thought you liked Taiga, why are you a moderator if you can’t even help him do well?

This is, I think, one of the extreme conclusions of volunteer moderating. I think it’s very fortunate if someone is able to find a team of moderators that are willing to show up all the time, and are able to serve as good role models for the chat, but when they’re forced to prove themselves as fans and take responsibility for the income of the streamer himself, they aren’t immediately going to say no because, hey, they like the stream. But it won’t last.

It’s like scraping juice out of the skin of a lemon once all the parasocial juice is drained. Your mods will give you the juice they have. How much more do you expect them to give?

Second thing: community cannibalization

If a streamer has a discord, it’s just a lounge. It’s a place where people are talking. It’s good to have a community because it will encourage long term engagement but it doesn’t mandate it. It creates a place where people may make advertising materials for you on a whim, or turn up some community talent that can fit a particular need.

It is not, to bring back the fans-as-lemons analogy (guess what I’m drinking), an enormous rinding machine for forcing people to show up to your stream when they are out of juice and don’t want to. Parasocial relationships can make people do silly shit, but they’re not mind control. These folks show up to hang out, not to be fettered and forced into supporting Taiga whenever he’s live.

And the logical conclusion of a streamer who has streamed for any length of time, or who is reaching a downturn in viewership, is that the Discord’s affiliation with the streamer will always become looser over time. The habit of watching the stream will be lost because he’s not funny anymore or because the fan doesn’t have time to join anymore, but the Discord habit remains. All that can really be done to mitigate this distancing effect is to keep making good streams that might recapture the people who have gone inactive one day.

Or, you can do like Taiga, and go insane. Which is something I was also expecting to see streamers start to do as their Discords age.

Think of it this way. Taiga is live with Minecraft, meanwhile ten people who have begun to watch him less consistently are watching someone else stream Resident Evil in his Discord. He has two options:

1) Stream Resident Evil tomorrow. Advertise this heavily in the Discord. Potentially recapture the folks whose attention he was losing and leave those who aren’t brought back on the wagon to go about their business.

2) Ban all ten of them. None of them rejoin his stream because they think he’s weird and toxic. He streams Minecraft again tomorrow and more people leave because they want to watch Resident Evil.

There are literally no advantages to 2, besides the imagined “stop the outflow of viewers from my stream to Discord,” which is completely unsubstantiated.

But yeah. I think we’re reaching the sunset years for a lot of people who wanted to make it big on Twitch, and we’re going to see some interesting, toxic behaviors as people try to force a second wind that won’t come.

[kcrinas]

hi  sexies  !   i’m  dani  (  she/her  )  ,  21  &  i’m  from  the  gta  aka  ur  messy  canadian  wassup  🤠  thank  u  guys  sm  for  applying  all  ur  muses  are  so  beautiful  &  im  sm  in  love  already  !  i  rly  wanna  plot  w  every  single  one  of  u  so  pls  give  this  a  like  for  permission  for  me  2  come  bug  u  for  plots  !  🖤  karina’s  info  &  wanted  connections  r  under  the  cut  !

karina maji was spotted in the fashion district adorning gucci leather ankle boots , with some airpod pros on . they’re most likely listening to don’t stop by meg thee stallion . you may know them as @karina or as that mishti rahman lookalike . their  twenty - fourth  birthday just passed . while living in tribeca , they’ve gained a bit of a reputation . they’re known to be tenacious but on the other hand quixotic . wonder if they’ll be the next person to hit the headlines .  (   cisfemale / she/her + dani / 21 / she/her  )

             *     𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬  :

full  name  :  karina aarvi maji  .

nicknames  :  kar  ,  rina  ,  maji

age  :  twenty  -  four  .

gender  :  cisfemale  ,  she/her  .

sexual  orientation  :  pansexual  .

hometown  :  chicago , illinois   .

occupation  :  professional  mma  fighter  /  instagram  model  .

zodiac  chart  :   aquarius  sun  ,  gemini  moon  ,  scorpio  rising  .

character  inspo  : alicia mendez (  kingdom )  ,  cristina yang (  grey’s anatomy )  ,  princess jasmine (  aladdin  )  ,  megara (  hercules  )  ,  alyssa  (  the  end  of  the  f*cking  world  )  ,  kat  stratford  (  10  things  i  hate  about  you  )

                  *  𝐛𝐢𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐲  :

                                tw  :   death  ,  accident  ,  drugs  .  

karina’s  life  began  in  chicago  ,  illinois  .  born  where  her  parents  spent  their  life  ,  grew  up  together  &  eventually  ended  up  married  .  it  was  the  perfect  love  story  ,  best  friends  -  then  lovers  -  then  soulmates  .  tied  for  life  ,  married  young  ,  in  their  mid  20′s  .  but the  love  between  the  two  of  them  never  faltering  once  even  after  another  10  years  pass  .  

her  mother  ,  was  a  highly  sought  after  model  .  her  father  ,  one  of  the  most  legendary  ufc  fighters  in  the  league  .  the  maji’s  were  considered  royalty  to  the  tabloids  ,  their  love  story  inspiring  many  .  their  life   was  seemingly  so  perfect  ,  a  dream  to  many  .  &  when  they  found  themselves  blessed  with  a  little  girl  after  five  years  of  marriage  ,  it  just  made  them  an  even  more  “  perfect  ”  family  .

karina  was  treated  like  a  princess  ,  her  parents  adored  the  ground  she  walked  on  &  karina  did  the  same  with  them  .  she  was  well  -  behaved  growing  up  ,  knowing  how  lucky  she  was  to  be  living  so  luxurious  ,  something  her  parents  taught  her  to  appreciate  since  she  was  old  enough  to  understand  .  they  drilled  gratefulness  into  her  head  by  the  age  of  five  .  it  was  a  very  rare  occurrence  where  karina  would  fight  or  disrespect  her  parents  .

they  lived  in  chicago  for  many  years  ,  a  way  for  them  to  keep  their  roots  established  while  raising  karina  .  &  have  more  privacy  than  living  in  their  career  hubs  would  give  them  -  aka  ,  nyc  or  la  .  it  was  much  more  accessible  for  her  father  to  work  out  of  chicago  ,  but  for  her  mother  ,  there  were  many  hours  spent  travelling  between  chicago  &  new  york  .  too  many  .  

(   tw  death  ,  plane  crash  )  it  was  the  mere  age  of  17  ,  when  karina’s  loving  mother  never  returned  home  from  her  trip  to  new  york  .  tragedy  struck  when  her  plane  crashed  due  to  pilot  error  .  the  day  that  changed  not  only  karina’s  life  permanently  ,  but  her  father  too  .  both  their  hearts  broke  into  two  that  day  .

she  wondered  for  months  how  she  could  possibly  continue  life  &  living  without  her  mom  in  it  .  &  the  older  she  got  ,  the  more  &  more  the  feeling  invaded  her  .  through  every  life  experience  she  had  afterwards  she  wished  with  everything  in  her  that  her  mom  was  there  next  to  her  .  

karina  went  from  a  happy  ,  extroverted  &  polite  girl  to  a  closed  off  ,   sardonic  &  enigmatic  woman  .  it  was  as  if  the  light  was  taken  out  of  her  body  &  she  turned  into  someone  unrecognizable  . 

(  tw  drugs  )  it  tore  her  dad  apart  ,  after  taking  a  year  off  to  mend  ,  he  fell  into  a  spiral  of  alcohol  &  drugs  ,  and  he  never  went  back  .  his  career  completely  ended  .   to  this  day  ,  her  dad  hasn’t  stepped  foot  in  the  ring  since  her  mother’s  death  .

her  senior  year  of  high  school  -  karina  fell  into  that  same  spiral  .  using  cocaine  ,  xanax  ,  weed  &  booze  to  cure  her  broken  heart  .  &  she  felt  like  it  did  ,  for  a  little  while  anyway  .  by  some  miracle  ,  she  graduated  with  her  diploma  .  but  that  didn’t  mean  much  anyway  ,  karina  wasn’t  going  to  college   ,  she  knew  exactly  what  she  wanted  to  do  with  the  rest  of  her  life  .

karina  grew  up  religiously  watching  her  dad  fight  ,  she’d  seen  tapes  of  every  single  one  of  his  fights  before  she  was  old  enough  to  watch  them  &  from  before  she  was  born   .  religiously  trained  &  boxed  with  her  father  every  sunday  since  she  was  eleven  .  she  learned  the  ins  &  out  at  a  young  age  ,  &  fell  in  love  with  the  sport  the  second  she  took  her  first  swing  .  

she  fell  even  more  heavily  into  training  after  her  mom  passed  ,  spending  practically  every  single  day  honing  her  skills  &  building  herself  to  follow  in  her  dad’s  footsteps  &  become  one  of  the  best  fighters  the  ufc  has  ever  seen  .

began  building  her  career  at  eighteen  by  moving  to  new  york  city ,  she  was  signed  by  the  age  of  20  .  suddenly  appearing  in  the  tabloids  ,  there  was  something  about  her  that  seemed  to  bring  in  people’s  attention  .  mma  fans  or  not  ,   she  gained  a  large  following  on  social  media  .  

suddenly  ,  she  was  getting  sponsorship  offers  left  &  right  .  whether  it  was  mma  related  or  sugarbear  hair  ,  she  was  getting  them  .  karina  took  the  ones  that  paid  her  well  ,  &  her  following  just  seemed  to  keep  rising  every  day  after  that  ,  basically  became  considered  an  “ influencer ”  along  with  her  other  title  .  

at  the  age  of  21  ,  karina  became  one  of  the  youngest  female  ever  to  be  signed  by  the  UFC  .  this  was  a  big  deal  to  her  ,  as  it’s  a  dream  so  many  fighters  wish  for  .  something  it  takes  years  of  hard  work  &  dedication  to  accomplish  .  something  she  worked  her  entire  life  for  .

she’s  been  fighting  with  the  ufc  for  the  last  three  years  ,  loving  every  minute  of  it   .  the  intense  training  ,  the  fights  ,  the  interviews  ,  it  all  gives  her  a  rush  she  can’t  explain  .  something  drugs  couldn’t  give  her  ,  which  she’s  required  to  get  tested  for  every  once  in  a  while  ,  usually  before  a  fight  .  she’s  found  her  ways  around  using  without  it  ruining  her  career  and/or  getting  caught  .  let’s  see  how  long  that  lasts  ..  ; - )  ksjndfsfd

with  all  the  money  that  she’s  reigned  in  the  last  few  years  from  the  ufc  along  with  her  instagram  sponsorships  ,  she’s  sending  a  lot of  it  to  her  father  ,  considering  his  “retirement”  fund  is  basically  non  -  existent  while  he  stays  cooped  up  in  their  chicago  family  home  ,  surrounded  by  memories  of  her  mother .  while  karina  stays  resided  in  her  cozy  tribeca  home  ,  only  steps  away  from  her  training  gym  .

                *  𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲  :

karina  is  a  v  hard  nut  2  crack  .  she’s  closed  off  ,  sardonic  &  doesn’t  really  converse  much  with  strangers  

it’s  basically  been  her  &  her  dad  since  her  mom’s  passing  ,  so  she’s  very  hard  to  get  close  to  .  but  once  u  do  ,  she’ll  never  let  u  go .

she’s  loyal  to  a  fault  ,  because  she’s  always  afraid  of  people  leaving / d*ing  .  

she’s  trying  to  branch  out  &  make  more  friends  since  moving  to  tribeca  ,  but  she  truly  doesn’t  open  up  to  anyone  .   if  she  opens  up  to  you  about  her  life  or  her  past  ,  she  truly  trusts  u  ,  &  that  means  something

she  tends  to  come  off  as  intimidating  or  ..  bitchy  ,  even  when  she  doesn’t  mean  to  .  her  personality  just  tends  to  be  dry  .  she  tends  to  have  dark  humour  ,  so  she  has  to  be  careful  who  she  makes  jokes  around skndfkk 

sometimes  tends  2  stir  up  drama  even  by  accident  .  nskjkf

if  she’s  not  training  for  a  fight  ,  she’ll  be  out  partying  every  night  .  dancing  on  tables  &  probably  getting  herself  kicked  out  of  whatever  bar/club  she  found  herself  in  that  night  .  doing  what  she  can  to  get  drunk  or  feel  any  type  of  high  ,  whether  that  be  drugs  or  waking  up  next  to  a  stranger  .  

she’s  heavily  into  fashion  &  always  posting  cute  outfits  on  instagram  ,  something  that  caused  her  following  to  grow  .

she’s  lowkey  a  hopeless  romantic  ...  seeing  how  her  parents  fell  in  love  ,   but  it  scares  tf  out  of  her  because  of  their  ending  .  &  she’d  literally  never  admit  this  to  anyone  ever  .

she’s  a  new  muse  &  i’m  still  developing  her  but  i  have  sm  muse  so  i’m  very  excited  &  i  rly  hope  you  guys  like  her  !

             *  𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝  𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬  :

ok  hello  if  u  read  that  long  ass  messy  shit  ur  a  baddie  🖤  anyway  ,  for  wc’s  ,  i  literally  have  so  many  !!  they  are  all  listed  here  @karinawcs​ ,  so  take  a  peek  &  if  you  like  any  of  them  lmk  bc  i  have  tons  of  headcannons / ideas  for  all  those  !  hehe  ily  let’s  plot  

[thepoisonroom]

okay in reddie whos the an and whos the sb?

okay i had no idea this was even up for debate but i have opinions and here they are:

let’s say we’re working directly off of the definitions given in the original niche post, so:

a sweaterboy “is stable [and] settled. the sweaterboy lives within a familiar pattern, and is, in all likelihood, highly competent at what they do. but is the sweaterboy happy? fuck no, dude! [...] the sweaterboy thinks that this is what relationships — of any kind — should look like: giving and giving and giving, and never actually asking for what they want. Because that would be selfish. the sweaterboy would never want to burden anyone; the sweaterboy, deep down, fears very much that they are a burden”

an absolute nightmare “is someone who has entirely rejected the task of trying to conform to societal norms. they know they don’t fit in. they know they’re not like everybody else. and while they are outwardly bold and defiant and confident, they’re often very lonely. they internalize their issues; they may be mistaken for aloof and uncaring when, in fact, they have big feelings”

let’s discuss the book evidence. we have:

eddie “needed to be protected from his own dim intimations of possible bravery” kaspbrak. lives under his mom’s thumb for years and years because he’s been taught to fear what will happen if he steps out of line even a little! his internal fear of being different, which i would argue is heavily mapped to his sexuality, is externalized in his fear of disease and especially in his fear of sexually-transmitted infection. he tries being a regular straight dude with a wife and a nine to five that he excels at but he’s deeply unhappy with it! he’s replicating what he knows as normalcy (i.e. maladaptive relationship patterns from his childhood) in a desperate attempt to conform which is some CLASSIC sweaterboy bullshit. eddie isn’t your conventional sweaterboy because his definition of what the aspirational norm looks like is so deeply colored by his hypochondria, so as readers we still register him as abnormal, but in his own way he’s trying to live the lifestyle that was prescribed for him that he associates with his mother (fearful, straight, cautious). 

i think the thing that hammers this home the most for me is book Eddie’s relationship with surveillance and being watched. the book repeatedly makes the point that eddie’s personality and self-image are directly contingent on being watched, and who’s doing it. the text makes the argument that eddie when he’s being watched by his friends, or when he’s alone, is fundamentally different from eddie being watched by people who enact violent mechanisms of social control (e.g. bullies who beat him up for not conforming, or his mother who inflicts medicalized violence on him whenever he steps out of line). we get a pretty unambiguous statement of this in the flashback where eddie remembers his gym teacher having an argument with his mother:

“i have the results of eddie’s last physical on file […] it says that eddie is a little small for his age, but otherwise he’s absolutely normal […] he loves to play games, and he runs quite fast […] when there’s nobody around to remind him of how delicate he is”

basically, eddie lives with this constant awareness of how authority figures in his life want him to be, and he conforms when they’re watching him, for the most part. this is how he can be totally capable of the same physical activities as other children and still buy into his mother’s insistence that he’s delicate and constantly ill; he has internalized that surveillance until it’s unconscious/second nature to replicate the behavior that’s expected of him. we also see this focus on surveillance when eddie talks about how he loves bill because he never calls him homophobic slurs, the implication being that other boys their age do. with his friends, eddie can let go of that internal voyeur that watches and polices his actions to make sure that he’s not behaving in a way that might invite unwanted negative attention. you actually see little flashes of this in the scene where ben meets eddie and bill and eddie has a bloody nose from talking back to some bullies! eddie by himself or with his friends is a brave little motherfucker in a world that’s determined to make him afraid (of himself, of the consequences of abnormality, of his sexuality)! i love him so much! but anyway!

basically, eddie spends his entire childhood and most of his adult life trying to bend himself into a shape that’s as small and unassuming and inoffensive as possible. he associates any deviation from the norm with sickness and lives in fear of what it would mean to be different in any way. stephen king literally doesn’t deserve rights but his scene of eddie cataloguing and packing the contents of his medicine cabinet after mike calls him? that’s a goddamned fucking portrait of the iron fist with which many deeply closeted gays try to control their lives. i’m not a hypochondriac but the worst years for my ocd happened when i was trying my hardest to avoid coming out to myself. the mechanism of control varies, but it all comes down to a desperate conviction that something unspeakably terrible will happen if you don’t enact all these horribly specific rituals to protect yourself. eddie’s mechanisms are pills and his inhaler and his marriage and i’m literally going to stop bleeding myself dry writing this oh my god i projected a little too hard there sorry.

anyway: richie “sometimes enchanting, often exhausting charm” tozier. gets beat up constantly because he canNOT stop himself from saying every fuckass thing that comes to his head! he’s whipsmart and observant as fuck and can’t keep it to himself and that gets him singled out by the bullies! i don’t have the exact quote but roll the clip of the part where it talks about richie’s face begging to be bent into new and interesting shapes by bullies ANYWAY. richie is someone who knows he doesn’t fit in and has given up on the task of pretending to! sometimes he’s charming and funny! sometimes he’s exhausting and weird as shit! but that’s absolute nightmarism babey!

the thing that really gets me about richie is that he’s subject to exactly the same normative surveillance as eddie and he canNOT keep himself from telling his audience to fuck off! we see flashes of this when richie hesitates before touching bill for fear that someone might see them and subject them to homophobic harassment. but he touches him anyway! yeah he looks surreptitiously but he touches him anyway! like richie is guided by feelings of deep love and devotion to his friends and he can’t help but express that and wow i’m getting emotional about richie too anyway!

richie as an adult is someone who is weird as shit for attention, but it’s a performance that deflects from his issues being emotionally vulnerable, which is classic AN. the movie got this so right with the part where richie admits he threw up after mike called him, and then tells the other losers he’s glad that they’re there together. like, everyone is shocked because this is a moment of deep vulnerability and sincerity from someone who’s performatively larger than life in order to keep people at a distance. the 2017 movie gives us this with richie deflecting the conversation about their fears by asking stan if the woman from the painting was hot, and again when he says that his biggest fear is clowns, a claim that is NOT borne out by what he sees inside niebolt. richie is, in short, someone who’s comfortable with attention but NOT with scrutiny; he isn’t ready to be seen with all of his vulnerabilities on display, so he puts on a show for people to look at instead. that’s the core of absolute nightmarism. it’s a committed performance of weirdness that’s intended to telegraph invulnerability, but a tightly controlled one that’s meant to ensure that people only look where you want them to. it’s a magic act that shows you something shiny so you won’t glance at where the soft spots are hidden. eddie wants you to look away because there’s nothing to see here, richie wants you to look but only at what he shows you.

i think the thing that cements it for me is the book content about richie’s nicknames for eddie. richie is SUPER demonstrative with eddie and is constantly calling him goofy nicknames and telling him he’s cute. but we get that great quote about how eddie hated being called eds, but sort of liked it too, because it was like a secret identity. that’s the core of the dynamic, imo. the absolute nightmare helps draw the sweaterboy out of their devotion to normalcy and emboldens them to be the version of themselves that they are without the outside pressures of authority and heteronormativity and whatever. the dynamic is book eddie wanting to be the person he is with his friends, the eds of it all, and it’s also book eddie fighting off a panic attack because he has to be brave when the losers need him, and it’s also movie eddie directly attacking pennywise because he’s been reminded of his own “dim intimations of possible bravery” like! i could go on but this is so fucking long anyway yes i think eddie is the SB and richie is the AN now roll the clip of the part where richie asks eddie if he knows what fucking is and eddie is like OF COURSE I DO and the text is like “he hoped he wasn’t blushing” like that’s the dynamic babe

[chasingshhadows]

I probably shouldn’t jump in on this but it’s bugging me so I’m just gonna say this and then be done with it.

There’s a lot of talk in the Roswell fandom right now about biphobia, specifically around characters (Michael) being made to “prove” their bisexuality, and perpetuating negative stereotypes (promiscuity).

And I really, really don’t want to invalidate anyone’s feelings because if that’s what you’re seeing in this show, that’s valid and it’s hurtful and I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m not writing this post as a way to brush your feelings under the rug and say your experiences and trauma are negligible- I’m writing this because I’m seeing a lot of people that I’ve come to care about hurting and maybe, just maybe, I can show a perspective that doesn’t hurt.

(and also before I say any of this - I am an unrepentant Michael stan and an endgame, soulmates, nothing-will-ever-compare Malex shipper, so, context is key.)

Because I just... don’t agree that what we’re seeing is hurtful to the bisexual community. 

The first part, regarding characters needing to “prove” their bisexuality in order to be seen as “true” bisexuals is in fact a massive problem in the bisexual community - every day, we’re told we’re not really bisexual unless we’ve “done both” - the moment we end up in a relationship where our partner is the same gender as our most recent partner, we’re suddenly “no longer” bisexual, because we’ve finally “picked one.” If we don’t literally keep a 1:1 ratio and jump back and forth like hopscotch, our identity is erased.

I’ve experienced this and it’s damaging. My father literally told me that I needed to sleep with multiple people of both genders for him to see me as valid - I was 18. He also told me once I “settled” (read: married) - I would either be lesbian or straight depending on the gender of my partner. My best friend, who is gay, told me “hmm I just feel like you’re gonna end up with a guy, in the end.” And that’s just the beginning. So when I say what I say next, I hope you know that I do it from a place of experience and solidarity.

Michael sleeping with, and catching feelings for, two people of differing genders on the show is not the show making him prove his bisexuality - it’s the show letting him express it. Your best friend telling you she won’t believe you’re bi until you’ve slept with “both” and a show portraying a character that sleeps with people from different genders are two very different things. 

I have watched a lot of queer television. There’s a queer character on a show? especially a bisexual one? Holy shit I am so there. It is the one and sole reason I started watching Roswell. I chase representation, hard. There is nothing more enticing in a new show than the idea that I might get to see myself in it.

That said, it is still incredibly rare to see bisexual characters on television, especially bisexual men. And I’m not talking about in the last 5 years, because in just five years I have witnessed a rapid shift in television to include more queer characters. 

But I didn’t grow up in the last 5 years, I grew up in the last 20. So I can count on one hand the number of bisexual characters I have ever seen that have been with (romantically or sexually) people of differing genders in any meaningful way, and I don’t know, probably never that those people weren’t just side characters.

So this is new, for us. Having a character canonically attracted to multiple people, regardless of gender, is a new thing we’re getting to see on television. And of course Michael shouldn’t have to sleep with people of different genders for people to believe that he’s bi, but no one whose opinion mattered ever doubted that he was bi when he said he was bi. So for me, this representation of him being with different people is representation of me. And I am Here For It.

More than that, there’s this idea that if a bisexual character enters a differing-gender relationship after leaving a same-gender one, that a show is abandoning queer representation because that relationship is “basically het.” 

I’m not het. I’m not straight, none of my experiences are straight. I am queer (of the bisexual variety) and any relationship I enter into will by default not be straight because I’m not straight. There is more to the queer experience than the way that people look at you on the street and there is abso-fucking-lutely more to the bisexual experience than the way you’re treated when you’re in a same-gender relationship. 

No this doesn’t mean that there isn’t a difference in experience (and oppression) between same-gender and differing-gender relationships from the perspective of the bi person - there absolutely is. But in both cases, a bisexual person will always always always feel unseen. So that difference is one of content, not quantity. 

So - I don’t think that Michael dating/sleeping with/whatever he’s doing with Maria is invalidating to the bisexual experience. I think it’s a chance for us to finally see the bisexual experience. Finally see that it can just be that easy, to find a connection with anyone and see that gender just doesn’t really come into play at all because it’s not relevant to bisexual people - at least, not to me. 

Now, the second part, the part where people are feeling... insulted, I think, that Michael sleeping with Maria after sleeping with Alex is perpetuating this very damaging stereotype of promiscuous, incapable-of-committing bisexuals.

I’m gonna take those one at a time (promiscuous/commitment issues) because I think they’re two different things.

I think a character, bisexual or not, being portrayed as promiscuous (by definition:  having or characterized by many transient sexual relationships) is 100% a non-issue. 

The real issue is that promiscuity is seen as a negative stereotype at all. The real issue is that being sexually expressive or sexually active is seen as morally reprehensible, as something that damages their character as a person.

And unfortunately this is a two-sided coin, the other side being that asexual, sexually shy, or sexually non-expressive is also seen as negative, but while I deeply feel it’s important enough to mention, it’s not the issue on Roswell right now.

The argument here is that the show is portraying Michael as promiscuous, which feeds into this stereotype that bisexual people can’t make up their minds and just go around sleeping with anyone and everyone without reservation or caring about anyone’s feelings and that not only is that the norm, it’s basically expected (see: my father). 

And if Michael were the only character on the show displaying these behaviors, I could understand why people thought that the show were actively trying to push said stereotype - even if I don’t see that stereotype as a bad thing anyway. 

But he’s not - not even close. Max and Cameron and Liz and Kyle - all of them have engaged in casual sex and both Max and Liz have hopped beds during this season. Casual sex (while again, not a universal experience by any means, nor should it be) is normal for adults of this age, and the show is portraying it as normal.

And by normal I don’t mean that like, it’s not messy - of course it’s messy and people get hurt and people do and say shitty things because they’re human. But the fact of engaging in casual sex, or sex with multiple partners within a short(ish) time frame, is not in and of itself problematic. 

Now, to the part about the commitment issues - there’s this notion that the show is trying to portray Michael as having abandoned his feelings for Alex to hop on Maria... and here I’m kinda just.....confused. 

“Where I stand, nothing’s changed.” “I never look away, not really.” 

The show has made clear, intentional, explicit attempts to show that Michael is ass over teakettle in love with Alex and has been since he was a kid. But they’ve also made it clear that Michael hasn’t been celibate since Alex left - casual sex is a part of his life, he said it episode one.  

And Michael tried with Alex - and Alex turned him down (honestly, for good fucking reasons, even if they break my heart). He tried and gave Alex everything he had and Alex walked away. 

And Michael ... has no choice but to try and move on. And he doesn’t even do it right away, it’s not like it’s the next day or even the next week. His bed has been cold for weeks, months, before he even looks at Maria like that. And him looking at Maria like that? Caring about her and finding her attractive and wanting to touch her and be touched? Does not in any way negate the way he feels about Alex even if he’s trying to make everyone, including himself, believe that it does. 

Is sleeping with his ex’s friend a shitty thing to do? Sure. I personally have very nuanced feelings about that whole thing and its place in media, but I won’t deny that what they’re doing is not just hurtful to Alex, it’s knowingly hurtful - Michael knows that what they’re doing will hurt him and he does it anyway.

But them making choices that are hurtful doesn’t make Michael a poor representation of bisexuality - not every underrepresented character needs to be a paragon of the moral high ground for them to be subversive to their stereotypes. In fact, I really believe that forcing underrepresented identities to always be perfect and do the right thing and make no mistakes and subvert every stereotype is far more problematic because it makes a statement that that identity is only worthy of respect and love when they behave.

So - let Michael misbehave. Let him sleep around. Let him try to drown his heartache in another person. Why should he have to be perfect when everyone else gets to be flawed?

No one is harder on queer representation and queer media than queer people - and I get it. We’ve had so much bad representation and we’re sick of it and that’s understandable. But it’s turned into this thing where every slice of representation has to be Perfect or it’s Garbage, and it’s leading creators to not want to try because they’re so harshly run off every time they do. And when they don’t try, they don’t learn, and when they don’t learn, they don’t do better.

And even if the show decides to ignore literally every precedent they’ve set thus far (would not be a first, believe me) and call it quits on Malex for good, Malex isn’t theirs anymore anyway. The instant the first fanfic posted to AO3, the millisecond that first AU gifset hit Tumblr - Malex became ours. We have enough on screen and off screen content to play around in for years to come and I really hope to see all of you on that journey with me. 

If even after reading this, you still feel hurt and misrepresented and insulted by Michael’s relationship with Maria, come pop into my chat or my inbox and let me weave you tales of how that never happened, let me erase that reality from your whiteboard and replace it with something you love. Canon is just a craft store of materials - if you don’t want to use the red beads, then don’t. There’s a whole aisle of blue ones just down the way.

[telltalebatman]

@biformers let’s go

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? wine glasses, they make everything seem so... elegant

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? lollipops!! they don’t melt in the sun and when i pull them out of my mouth they make that POP sound. very good.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? bubblegum, last time i checked i couldn’t make cotton candy balloons

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? bright and bubbly and curious and energetic. very energetic. too energetic. mister crispin, please, your daughter is way too energetic, the school’s gonna expl-

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? wine glasses. (that’s not an- well, it is now.)

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? pastel and formal, but mostly formal.......... formal clothes make me look super nice. (so do pastel ones. well, i look 12 in pastels.)

7. earbuds or headphones? earbuds can he shared, so... earbuds.

8. movies or tv shows? movies for watching with someone, tv shows for watching alone. sometimes it’s the other way. sometimes it’s neither.

9. favorite smell in the summer? raspberry lemonade, freshly cut grass, and uh... oswald. yes, that’s a smell. he smells nice in summer. in fact he smells nice all the time, but he smells best during the summer.

10. game you were best at in p.e.? i was never good at anything p.e related........ i’m good at yoga i guess.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? w a f f l e s. shit, i’m hungry now. oswald! i want waffles!

12. name of your favorite playlist? kiss me hard, fuck me harder, love me hardest (what? you heard me. i did, i’m just... what? is this a suggestion? a hint? :) )

13. lanyard or key ring? i’m gonna go with “not attaching my keys to anything and losing them all in my purse”.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? those little, chewy, caramel candies that make your teeth stick together.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? do i look like a girl who had ever read a book in her life? (you got a master’s degree. ...kristeva’s “powers of horror”.)

16. most comfortable position to sit in? with my legs crossed.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? those!

18. ideal weather? warm and sunny, so oswald has an excuse to keep a ton of ice cubes in the freezer, so that he can- she likes it when it’s hot, so she has an excuse to devour buckets of ice cream. and also wear short skirts. that’s coincidentally also /my/ favorite weather.

19. sleeping position? preferably wrapped around oswald, if not available... i like to take as much space in bed as possible. on my stomach. limbs spread.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? notebook app on my phone

21. obsession from childhood? z-zorro.............

22. role model? if i had a role model i wouldn’t be the person i am.

23. strange habits? none! i’m perfectly normal. the normalest girl in gotham.

24. favorite crystal? see? i’m normal. i don’t have a favorite crystal.

25. first song you remember hearing? not a song, but an instrumental piece. something by tchaikovsky. my mom used to listen to tchaikovsky after work.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? swimming. and sitting around and complaining it’s too hot.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? ; )

28. five songs to describe you? you should ask oswald that one. i bet he’ll have a good answer. (sweet talking woman, a girl like you, how to be a heartbreaker, gold dust woman and fear and delight. what? of course i know how to describe charlie with songs. i can describe her in any way.)

29. best way to bond with you? feed me and have sex with me. not neccesarily in that exact order. wink.

30. places that you find sacred? i wouldn’t have sex on anyone’s grave, if that’s what you’re asking.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? i’m gonna be honest with you. what part of me suggests i’m capable of KICKING ASS or TAKING NAMES? oswald once called me a silly girl and i cried. (well, love, to be fair, you /did/ spend quite some time on the road.) and to this day i don’t know how did i manage to not die after a week. idk. i guess... pants, that’s for starters. a leather jacket. biker boots? and also a gun and a knife.

32. top five favorite vines? i like pink wine. are there even that many kinds of pink wine?

33. most used phrase in your phone? omg

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? aNIMAL CRACKERS IN MY SOUP-

35. average time you fall asleep? two a.m

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? can i haz a cheeseburger...

37. suitcase or duffel bag? suitcase, duffel bags don’t work well for... well... people who wear clothes.

38. lemonade or tea? yes.

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? yes.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? one of my teachers had straight up died when i was answering his question in class. i still don’t know if my answer was correct. :(

41. last person you texted? louise!! she’s such a good friend. i love her.

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? oswald’s pockets.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? leather jacket

44. favorite scent for soap? bubblegum, duh

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? superhero, and not just because my boyfriend is a literal supervillain.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? none. ; )

47. favorite type of cheese? sharp cheddar

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? a strawberry! sweet and red and begging for c-

49. what saying or quote do you live by? “there’s bravery in being soft”.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? someone once tweeted a picture of oswald, challenging batman to a fistfight, captioned “i aspire to 1 day have self-esteem this high #blessed”. 

51. current stresses? yes.

52. favorite font? do... do people have favorite fonts? huh.

53. what is the current state of your hands? soft and clean, thank you very much. (i punch people so charlie doesn’t have to cook. it... makes sense, i swear.)

54. what did you learn from your first job? do i look like a person who had ever worked a day in her entire life? do i /sound/ like i ever had a job? no. no, i don’t.

55. favorite fairy tale? beauty and the beast!

56. favorite tradition? don’t tell oswald i said it, but i’m kind of sort of fond of that traditionalist concept of men being dominant and assertive and capable. or maybe i just like not having to do anything, who knows.

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? well, first my parents died, then it turned out my then-husband was behind it and THEN i almost died because a man cut my heart out and attempted to eat it on my mother’s grave. and he didn’t even cook it! (and for that i am eternally glad.)

58. four talents you’re proud of having? i have zero talents. (that’s not true, but she firmly refuses to believe me when i say so. let’s go with talents charlie SHOULD be proud of. she can read people, behave properly in any given situation, is a fantastic listener... oh, and she’s a fantastic, caring, loveable girlfriend.) that’s not a talent. (but if it was, you’d be the best at it.)

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? “OH!”. i say that approximately... 100 times a day.

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? a shoujo anime, with little to no actual drama and a hentai spin-off.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? i... hm. ah. hm. i don’t know. i knew the answer 30 seconds ago - but now it’s gone. please don’t ask me about my favorite things. i only know what those are when no one’s trying to learn about them.

62. seven characters you relate to? persephone, beauty from beauty and the beast, emma frost, sleeping beauty, triss merigold, that absolutely brainless blonde boy from kingdom hearts aaaand... sakhmet from the wicked and the divine comic. not because i’m bloodthirsty, but because i too prioritize sex and looking good.

63. five songs that would play in your club? bulletproof, six shooter, tongues, horns and bittersweet

64. favorite website from your childhood? absolutely do not tell oswald, but... club penguin.

65. any permanent scars? what, you mean physical, or mental? because there’s one on my chest and one on my heart. both are permanent and can’t be loved away, even though oswald’s doing his best to love them away. : (

66. favorite flower(s)? red roses... i’m not a very original person.

67. good luck charms? oswald once gave me a gun. so... a gun.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? anything pear-flavored. pears are the devil’s fruit.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? parmesan isn’t vegetarian.

70. left or right handed? right. and i didn’t just pick up a random pencil only to make sure of that.

71. least favorite pattern? the behavioral pattern of constantly repeating one’s mistakes. (i... think they meant things like polka dots.) but do you have any proof of that? no. no, you don’t. so... repeating one’s mistakes it is then.

72. worst subject? politics. :)

73. favorite weird flavor combo? spicy chicken wings dipped in honey.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 4 or 5. i’m a big baby when it comes to physical pain.

75. when did you lose your first tooth? do most people remember losing their first tooth? because i don’t. at all.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? french fries french fries french fries FRENCH FRIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? basil. i like the smell... and forgetting to water my plants.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? gas station coffee. sushi has to be... well... good to be good.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? they both look the same, because i’ve been cursed with the curse of “eternally looking like i’m twelve” :(

80. earth tones or jewel tones? jewel. and not just because i don’t know the difference between those two.

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? ...are you telling me fireflies and lightning bugs... are two different things? huh.

82. pc or console? pc, because i can do my taxes on my pc. can you do taxes on a console? of course you can’t, that’d be stupid.

83. writing or drawing? writing.

84. podcasts or talk radio? podcasts!

84. barbie or polly pocket? b a r b i e

85. fairy tales or mythology? hm. fairy tales, because there’s less... rape in them.

86. cookies or cupcakes? yes.

87. your greatest fear? i’m not saying! my greatest fears tend to become reality, so maybe let’s not speed the process up.

88. your greatest wish? i,,,,,,,,,,,,, i’d like to maybe get married once again one day,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, maybe,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

89. who would you put before everyone else? the man on whom i’m sitting as we speak.

90. luckiest mistake? well, i once told bruce wayne i have a dog named pingu, which lead me to instantly adopting an actual dog.

91. boxes or bags? boxes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? fairy lights forever

93. nicknames? love it when people come up with nicknames for me!

94. favorite season? summer

95. favorite app on your phone? proooobably instagram. or twitter.

96. desktop background? a photo of a baby seal. it’s so cute!

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? ...do people really memorize phone numbers? 

98. favorite historical era? okay, now you’re making fun of me. no one has a “favorite historical era”. that’s made up.

[diskwrite-ffxiv]

There have been some very excellent posts breaking down the first non-apology from Oz. And now, after the first attempt was generally panned, Oz has made a second go of it: https://imgur.com/a/E9qELpy

As we consider Oz’s words, there is a point I would like to emphasize.

Apologies are an important part of the abuser’s playbook.

And as Lundy Bancroft states in Why Does He Do That?, it doesn’t really matter if the abuser’s apology is sincere or not.

The salient point about remorse, however, is that it matters little whether it is genuine or not. Clients who get very sorry after acts of abuse change at about the same rate as the ones who don’t. The most regretful are sometimes the most self-centered, lamenting above all the injury they’ve done to their own self-image. They feel ashamed of having behaved like cruel dictators and want to revert quickly to the role of benign dictators, as if that somehow makes them much better people.

This is the third time I’ve linked this image with regard to this situation, but it’s because it is paramount that we understand the abuser’s behavior as cyclical and the role that apologies play. 

It’s a little counter-intuitive compared to non-abusive interactions. Under normal circumstances, an apology serves to say things like “hey I messed up and I’m sorry.” It’s part of making things right with someone else, and it’s considered part of the social contract that if someone is sorry for what they did, they will try to do better in the future.

But in the context of the cycle of abuse, that’s not what happens when an abuser apologizes.

Another quote from Bancroft:

After he has purged himself, he typically acts ashamed or regretful about his cruelty or violence, at least in the early years of a relationship. Then he may enter a period when he reminds you of the man you fell in love with—charming, attentive, funny, kind. His actions have the effect of drawing you into a repetitive traumatic cycle in which you hope each time that he is finally going to change for good. You then begin to see the signs of his next slow slide back into abuse, and your anxiety and confusion rise again.

[Once more please excuse the pronouns and specifically gendered way Bancroft has written this book. He is addressing heterosexual romantic relationships because that is what he worked with most in his practice, but so much about abuse is common regardless of the type of personal relationship.]

Ultimately, whether or not an abuser feels sorry means nothing. If they’re going to become a better person, what’s required is that they change the fundamental beliefs, behaviors, and actions that made them an abuser in the first place.

So, let’s talk this second apology.

What does it take for an abuser to change?

In my last extensive post, I quoted Bancroft’s example of what it would take for a man to fully take accountability for vindictively cutting down a neighbor’s tree. So how does Bancroft relate this to abuse, and what abusers must do to truly become better?

I’m going to quote this part in full and it’s a long one, so bear with me. Some details are especially romantic relationship specific, but I left it all in because they are necessary to communicate just how all-encompassing true change for an abuser has to be.

1. Admit fully to his history of psychological, sexual, and physical abusiveness toward any current or past partners whom he has abused. Denial and minimizing need to stop, including discrediting your memory of what happened. He can’t change if he is continuing to cover up, to others or to himself, important parts of what he has done.

2. Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally. He needs to identify the justifications he has tended to use, including the various ways that he may have blamed you, and to talk in detail about why his behaviors were unacceptable without slipping back into defending them.

3. Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control. For example, he needs to recognize that there is a moment during each incident at which he gives himself permission to become abusive and that he chooses how far to let himself go.

4. Recognize the effects his abuse has had on you and your children, and show empathy for those. He needs to talk in detail about the short-and longterm impact that his abuse has had, including fear, loss of trust, anger, and loss of freedom and other rights. And he needs to do this without reverting to feeling sorry for himself or talking about how hard the experience has been for him.

5. Identify in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes. He needs to speak in detail about the day-to-day tactics of abuse he has used. Equally important, he must be able to identify his underlying beliefs and values that have driven those behaviors, such as considering himself entitled to constant attention, looking down on you as inferior, or believing that men aren’t responsible for their actions if “provoked” by a partner.

6. Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to replace the abusive ones he is stopping. You can look for examples such as improving how well he listens to you during conflicts and at other times, carrying his weight of household responsibilities and child care, and supporting your independence. He has to demonstrate that he has come to accept the fact that you have rights and that they are equal to his.

7. Reevaluate his distorted image of you, replacing it with a more positive and empathic view. He has to recognize that he has had mental habits of focusing on and exaggerating his grievances against you and his perceptions of your weaknesses and to begin instead to compliment you and pay attention to your strengths and abilities.

8. Make amends for the damage he has done. He has to develop a sense that he has a debt to you and to your children as a result of his abusiveness. He can start to make up somewhat for his actions by being consistently kind and supportive, putting his own needs on the back burner for a couple of years, talking with people whom he has misled in regard to the abuse and admitting to them that he lied, paying for objects that he has damaged, and many other steps related to cleaning up the emotional and literal messes that his behaviors have caused. (At the same time, he needs to accept that he may never be able to fully compensate you.)

9. Accept the consequences of his actions. He should stop whining about, or blaming you for, problems that are the result of his abuse, such as your loss of desire to be sexual with him, the children’s tendency to prefer you, or the fact that he is on probation.

10. Commit to not repeating his abusive behaviors and honor that commitment. He should not place any conditions on his improvement, such as saying that he won’t call you names as long as you don’t raise your voice to him. If he does backslide, he cannot justify his abusive behaviors by saying, “But I’ve done great for five months; you can’t expect me to be perfect,” as if a good period earned him chips to spend on occasional abuse.

11. Accept the need to give up his privileges and do so. This means saying good-bye to double standards, to flirting with other women, to taking off with his friends all weekend while you look after the children, and to being allowed to express anger while you are not.

12. Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a lifelong process. He at no time can claim that his work is done by saying to you, “I’ve changed but you haven’t,” or complain that he is sick of hearing about his abuse and control and that “it’s time to get past all that.” He needs to come to terms with the fact that he will probably need to be working on his issues for good and that you may feel the effects of what he has done for many years.

13. Be willing to be accountable for his actions, both past and future. His attitude that he is above reproach has to be replaced by a willingness to accept feedback and criticism, to be honest about any backsliding, and to be answerable for what he does and how it affects you and your children.

If this sounds like a lot, that’s because it is. But as Bancroft says himself:

Abusive men don’t make lasting changes if they skip any of the above steps, and some are easier than others. Most of my clients find it fairly easy to apologize, for example. In fact, an abuser may weave apologies into his pattern of abuse, so that when he says “I’m sorry,” it becomes another weapon in his hand.

[...]

But even a genuine and sincere apology is only a starting point. Many of my clients make it through the first three steps: They admit to a substantial portion of their abuse; they agree that their actions resulted from choice rather than loss of control; and they apologize. Then they dig in their heels at that point. An abuser’s sense of entitlement is like a rude, arrogant voice screaming inside his head. It yells at him: “You’ve given up too much already; don’t budge another inch. They already talked you into saying your abuse is all your own fault when you know she’s at least half to blame because of the shit that she does. She should be grateful to you for apologizing; that wasn’t easy to do. She’s lucky you’ve gone this far; a lot of guys would tell her to go screw, you know.” And the voice drags him back into the mud that he had finally taken a couple of baby steps out of.

So if your conclusion from all of this is that there is no apology from Oz that will be good enough, what do you mean by “good enough”? Does “good enough” mean, displays that they will be able to affect genuine change on themselves and improve? Because if that’s the case, then you’re right. Abusers can and do sincerely and genuinely apologize, then go on to repeat the cycle of abuse once more.

That is the typical behavior after an apology. If Oz is going to stop being an abuser, they’re going to have to do a whole lot more than offer a good apology.

And this still wasn’t a good apology.

The second apology

This reads like Oz saw our criticisms and then, like a student making cuts to a paper after their teacher’s instruction, cut out everything we specifically objected to without understanding why we took umbrage with it in the first place.

Honestly? This is not a good start.

I’m going to respond to a request I’ve seen that I be more plainspoken and more direct. I originally worried that might come across flippant and dismissive, but I appreciate not everyone sees it the same way. I apologise in advance if this comes across a little too conversational or free-association.

The problem was not you talking “too smart” or with the “wrong tone” as you seemed to say in your conversation with @captain-ameribunny. The problem was that you were more interested in saying what you didn’t do and deflecting accountability than actually owning what you did.

I know I have hurt people and I am sorry. There were times it was absolutely my intent to do harm. Regardless of what reason I had, where I was in that moment, that’s what I did.

So why mention your reasons or “where you were in that moment” at all? Tucked away in the heart of that is the ghost of what you truncated from your first apology- all your attempts to say outside influences drove you to the behavior. It’s like a door you carved into your words. You shoved your justifications behind the threshold then closed the door behind them. Perfectly poised to open at the right opportunity to explain away what you did and why you did it. To others, and to yourself.

If you are one of those people, I apologise. Knowing full well the feelings of alienation that come from someone turning their anger on you, I engaged in that exact anger. I knowingly used that fear to bad ends and displayed a general lack of empathy.

I responded to conflict in destructive, unhealthy, and sometimes objectively cruel ways. I blurred the lines between the minor failures of others and critical flaws that define people for what they are. I used the simple humanity of other people as leverage against them and refused to show compassion for the pain that caused.

I harassed and held grudges against people who didn’t deserve it. When those people defended themselves, I used that natural and rational reaction as a reason to mock them and as proof of the vile image of them I had created.

This section has a very similar problem to the one previous. By claiming they blurred the lines between “the minor failures of others and critical flaws that define people for what they are,” Oz is still subtly saying that the people they went after did something wrong. They’ve essentially labeled their behavior as a destructive overreaction, but leaves room to state that sometimes it was deserved. 

Oz of course doesn’t clarify exactly which people “deserved it” and which didn’t.

I said in my previous apology that I am sorry for contributing to a cycle of anger and anguish and I stand by that. What I did made the world a worse place. I excused countless of my own wrongs that went on to hurt innocent people, directly and indirectly. There were times I saw the hurt I caused and simply chose to not care because of whatever validation I found to justify that and all I can say now is that I am sorry.

Honestly, a blanket apology isn’t enough for this. You gleefully trashed people publically for months. Sometimes years. You prided yourself on trying to drive your targets out of the community. If some of those people were innocent, wouldn’t directly coming out about how you mistreated them and you were wrong do a lot to help make things right?

But instead, you’re still asking for people to approach you in private for anything beyond general apologies.

I do not know who does and does not wish to speak with me about any of this and I do not want anyone to feel put-upon or isolated by me trying to initiate that. If you feel you would benefit from speaking to me about any way I’ve wronged you, please, I invite you to do so. I want to hear what you have to say and I would appreciate the chance to extend my apology to you personally.

First off, you’ve framed it in a way to sound like you’re leaving this at a blanket apology for the benefit of the people you’ve hurt. 

The thing is, if you’re not willing to publically walk back the specific terrible things you said and did, what’s to stop that harm from continuing? All the whispers you spread about people will persist. Reputations will still lie in tatters. 

And furthermore, if you’re not willing to publically state which specific examples were wrong, you’ve given us plenty of room to believe you’re apologizing for those examples without you actually ever stating you were abusive in that particular situation.

After all, you just reminded us that sometimes you went after people for “minor failures” but other times it was because of “critical flaws.” Which was which? Are you willing to own up to the exact examples you completely mistreated someone?

Frankly, it does you more good to leave this at a blanket apology than it does the people you hurt. It saves you from having to specifically look us in the eye and tell us that all that fire you breathed at so-and-so was actually abuse.

And beyond this, now that we’ve gone through your entire second apology- are you going to own up to how you first responded to people calling you out with unbridled rage? Then with talking repeatedly about how this was all just manufactured outrage that was going to blow over? Then with claims that other outside forces made you this way, that people enabled you, that your intentions were good, that this was just a relapse, and we should qualify and excuse your behavior for any or all of these reasons?

If you don’t actively own up to- and stop- this kind of behavior, then you won’t change.

Your only qualification on this post was that you weren’t plainspoken and direct enough the first time. Really, if that’s what you think the problem was, then you don’t get it at all.

So while we’re speaking of some of the specific things you said, let’s take a look at some examples.

Specific examples of behavior

The Tweets

Let’s recount the last time you actually got specific about anything you were accused of: https://imgur.com/a/GFfW0f2

This is the album of tweets that I linked in the last post I made. You’re still pretty general about it, sure. But you are speaking very clearly about various topics and saying that under no circumstances have you endorsed or done them.

As I pointed out in my last post, we have screenshots that show you did some of these things. So, is your stance still that you did not in fact do any of it, despite our hard evidence that you did? Which of the screenshots are things that you didn’t actually do? Are the people who provided those screenshots liars, or did you genuinely wrong them? I’d like to hear your explanation. Publically, please.

<<SASS>>

I’m going to start this section by linking @honhonoura​ ‘s post: http://honhonoura.tumblr.com/post/175621265651/i-am-a-knight-of-the-round-vegetable

But the reason I’m speaking on this in particular is, over the course of things, I was provided with some screenshots that I am now sharing with permission. Since you deleted your blog, it’s much harder to find evidence of your abuse, but as we’ve observed some of your victims recorded what you did to them long before. All of these posts were there. And they were very public, I might add.

Oz is going on about this here because one of the <<SASS>> members was autistic.

In it, Oz has stated that if someone is too mentally ill to accept responsibility for abusive actions and can’t stop themselves from abusing other people, they shouldn’t run a guild or put themselves in charge of others.

Here, Oz is very insistent that someone who has been abusive paints themselves as the victim, they’re doing something wrong. I presume that “painting yourself as a victim” includes stating that someone else abused you, which motivated you to be abusive yourself.

In both of these posts, Oz has made very strong statements about abuse and what it is acceptable for the abuser to do and not do. They were made in the context of calling someone else out, the context that @honhonoura​ elaborated on in her post.

Oz, do you still stand by your opinions in these posts? Do you believe you were justified in posting them? Do you believe they were aimed at an appropriate target? Would you say you went after <<SASS>> because you perceived, to use your own words, a “minor failure” or a “critical flaw that define people for what they are”?

Your post about <<SASS>> in 2018 before you deleted your Tumblr certainly gave every indication that you stood by what you did them in 2014. You were very willing to talk about them the same way today that you did back then, so I would like to hear your stance on everything I’ve just shared now. And again,  since you went to such great lengths to publically smear their name, I would like your response publically please. 

Balmung Blessings

I would like to share with everyone the two posts that motivated me to unfollow Balmung Blessings long before I knew who ran it.

Post 1: https://imgur.com/a/PU09rG1

Post 2: https://imgur.com/a/uuTL4tD

The first post is very... long. 

At the time I read it, not knowing Oz was involved, the part that gave me pause began where they spoke about how the blog was approaching 800 followers, which starts on image 9 of the album.

It struck me as deeply uncomfortable that their number of followers motivated their thoughts towards how that would give them power over the community. They spoke of it as influence and mused on how they “weren’t sure what to do with that ‘power.’” As if that was something that could be wielded over people.

Uh. When I approached 800 followers, you want to know what my biggest thought was?

“Ho jeez that’s a lot of people HOLY FUCK WHERE DID YOU ALL COME FROM man I better not be a fuckhead.”

The primary feeling that my follower count gives me- aside from general “when did you all get here??”- is a sense of responsibility. If a lot of people are going to read what I write, that means I should try extra hard to only contribute in productive and positive ways because I don’t want to inadvertently hurt people.

The very notion of looking at that number and perceiving it as power makes me feel sick. Physically ill, with a twist of revulsion to my stomach. I don’t care how many followers I have. I’m not here to control people.

Post 2 followed the first shortly after. So, this means that after Oz wrote about how much value they placed on the number of followers their blogs receive- specifically about the sense of power over other people it gave them- stated that they follow many FFXIV blogs because they interacted with Balmung Blessings.

If you interacted with Balmung Blessings, they were likely to bestow followership upon you- and all the significance Oz ascribed to it. Something like quid pro quo.

Back when these posts were written, this made me extremely uncomfortable. I didn’t like the idea that my interaction with the blog was being viewed by the blogrunner as a contribution to a platform to community power. So, I quietly unfollowed the blog.

Learning that Oz was the runner of Balmung Blessings certainly puts those two posts in a different light.

Oz, after all, has placed a great deal of importance on having weight in the community. They have used what influence they’ve sought to gather like a cudgel against other people. 

They were also not above using the Balmung Blessings platform to suit their own means. 

Post 3: https://imgur.com/a/Y439os2

This was made shortly before Oz deleted the blog.

[As a sidenote, I absolutely do not condone sending anonymous hate to anyone under any circumstances. And certainly not spurred by a secrets blog.]

First, even as Oz states they try not to pay too much attention to followers, they still referred to their number of followers as if that was some sort of personal endorsement. They continued to ascribe great meaning to that number, as if that gave them something.

Second, here we see Oz using the Balmung Blessings platform to discount the accusations being made against them- even though on Balmung Blessings they never stated their ownership of the blog- referring to it as “passing drama.” 

Third, they then proceed to talk about how callout posts don’t fix things, they are destructive, and they are wrong.

Oz, is this an opinion you share of the callout posts that you made? Because you have made many. 

And finally,

Post 4: https://imgur.com/a/u9TNaUb

Here under the Balmung Blessings platform, Oz asserts that “anyone has a place in our community as long as they’re doing their level best to be a good and conscientious member,” however if “someone thinks actively spreading hate and inevitably some amount of completely fallacious gossip is doing that,” then they need to either change or leave.

Between the posts about <<SASS>> and the messages relayed through the Balmung Blessings platform, it is clear that Oz has very strong opinions about what is right and wrong behavior when it comes to the actions of other people.

So, Oz. You’ve said an awful lot of things about how people who are shitty and toxic and abusive need to stop leading groups, how they have no excuses for their behavior, and how they either need to change or leave. 

What would you want someone to do if they’d wronged you the same way you’ve wronged other people?

 Are you willing to apply the same standards that you’ve ascribed to other people’s behavior for yourself? Were the standards themselves wrong? I would also like an answer to this. And just like the others, I would like it publically please.

Why are these answers important?

As detailed by Bancroft, just apologizing- sincerely or no- isn’t enough for an abuser to change.

The abuser has to fix their fundamental beliefs and behaviors. If they don’t, they will repeat the cycle of abuse.

The specific examples I’ve brought up throughout this post target a few main points in Oz’s conduct.

1. Denial, deflection, and poisoning the well. Oz has used all of these tactics to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. They have denied behavior we all saw proof of. They have deflected the accusations numerous ways- whether stating it’s all just drama that will blow over, blaming it on Adrian, so on and so forth. And they have actively smeared their targets in ways that are intended to make others distrust or disregard any accusations of wrongdoing.

All of these are common abuser behaviors used to escape criticism and responsibility. If Oz is to change, they will have to fully acknowledge the specific ways they perform these behaviors and then dismantle them. 

2. Entitlement. Abusers act on double-standards. They are entitled to enact a certain behavior or feel a particular emotion, but the abused is not. Anger is a common target. The abuser believes their anger is acceptable, however the anger of the abused is unreasonable or unjustified. And as Bancroft points out, just because the abuser apologizes, that doesn’t mean they’ve given these beliefs up.

If Oz is to change, they will have to acknowledge the disparities in their belief system that they utilized to justify their own behavior while castigating that same behavior in others. But not only that, they will have to relinquish all double-standards and any of the advantages those gave them. 

3. Power. To bring back the quote from Bancroft used in my previous post:

The term abuse is about power; it means that a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit or control someone else.

Oz’s fixation on and interpretation of follower counts speaks to a deepset focus on establishing power over other people. Indeed, that sort of power is something Oz has regularly sought out. They have openly spoken of getting a thrill out of making others afraid, and one need only look to one of their “crusades” to see how willing they are to use this power like a sledgehammer against someone else.

If Oz is to change, they are going to have to give this up. Period. Because fixing abusive behavior requires the abuser to relinquish the advantages that behaving abusively gave, Oz needs to relinquish their desire to obtain power. And they absolutely need to refrain from using their social platforms against other people. 

These three points are merely a handful of the beliefs and behaviors Oz will need to fix if they are going to change. 

Putting up a couple blanket apologies and telling people they can contact them privately for anything more isn’t anywhere close to what needs to happen. 

Given how perfectly everything fits into the cycle of abuse thus far, and with how rare it is for an abuser to actually change, I would advise everyone to be very cautious about taking their apologies as a sign that they will improve.

Oz, since I know you’re going to read this- I’ve said it once before and I’ll say it again. If you aren’t already getting professional help for this you should get some. And you should try to find someone who specializes in helping abusers. Be upfront with them about what you did, and don’t try to wriggle away from it.

If you are truly sincere about believing your behavior was reprehensible, then do what it takes to change it. This is what it takes. And it’s a long hard journey, but if you have the bravery and the strength to follow through, then it’ll be worth it in the end when you never hurt another person this way again.

[thotyssey]

Bar Babe of the Week: Robert at  Top of the Bay

Summer’s almost over, so get out to Cherry Grove one more time kick one back with Top of the Bay’s Bar Babe Robert!

Bar that I work at: Top of the Bay in Cherry Grove

How long I've worked there: This is my first year and I love it — the best job I’ve ever had.

What are my shifts: Friday through Monday — Sunday night is my favorite though. We have a really great piano player that night, and she creates a really calm and relaxed atmosphere.

What makes this bar great: I love all the Cherry Grove bars, but Top of the Bay is a little different. It functions as a little bit of an escape from the Fire Island insanity for us Grove locals. It’s not a dancing bar — it’s a place to sit and talk and have a moment of calmness, which can be very important out here. I can do high volume bartending, but I’m much better as a therapist bartender, and that’s the vibe I try to create here. I want people to be able to come and get away from the noise and relax and feel like they can talk and vent to me and let their shoulders down.

Best drink I make: Anyone who’s ever spent five minutes with me knows I take tequila very seriously — probably way more seriously than any other aspect of my life, for better or (mostly) worse. If you come see me on a Sunday or Monday happy hour before I get service checks coming in from the dining room, I’ll be fussy and meticulous and make you a great margarita without the sour mix and all that crap. If you ask me during the dinner rush you might get sour mix but you’ll still get a sweet smile.

In the summer I’m also a negroni drinker because I’m a 90 year-old Italian man who loves Campari, and I like to do an in and out glass rinse with Pernod or some kind of anise liquor... which might sound gross, but actually adds something really subtle and nice to the drink.

I love it when customers: Say hello to the person sitting next to them and start conversations.

I hate it when customers: Won’t look away from Grindr for a split second to make eye contact when they order from me.

Craziest thing I've seen here: Top of the Bay is pretty chill. I think the craziest thing I’ve seen was my own facial expression in the mirror when I was trying to behave myself and not steal chocolate cake off of a customer’s plate while they were in the bathroom. It was stressful.

Other places I've worked: The Ice Palace. I’ve always been a Grove Girl

My hometown: The Bronx. Born, raised, will probably haunt it long after I’m dead. Years ago, when that song was big, people used to tease me in a good natured way by calling me Robbie from the Block (I grew up near the 5 train, now I too am On the 6) — it made me inexplicably angry the way that random, stupid things do when you’re young and take yourself too seriously. Now that I’m older I think it was kind of cute, especially considering some of the other things I’ve been called in subsequent years.

Stuff I do when I'm not bartending: Reading, writing, eating. I’m generally elusive and hard to find in the Grove during the day — I love how small and close knit our community is here, but I go crazy if I can’t carve out some alone time to retreat into my own head before work. Reading was always my chosen non-alcoholic escape from reality. Then, like most obsessive book people, I tried to start writing my own. I’ve written three novels — none of which are particularly good, but I’m working on it — and I have a few stories published in various places. I’m working on a book about Fire Island that I’m hoping to finish when I get some quiet time in the fall.

Otherwise you’ll generally find me at Cherry Grove Pizza sitting alone with food for 6-8 people in front of me.

Single or Taken: There’s a couple of gentlemen that I love back home

Who/what turns me on: Gentleness. It’s easy to get hardened and cynical working in nightlife. Some of it is self-protection, and some of it is circumstantial — you tend to see a lot of the worst in people when you do this long enough. Very few of us are at our best at 4am, especially out on Fire Island where everything is so heightened and intensified. We come out here and bring a lot of our pain and our damage with us, and when you add alcohol to the mix it sometimes brings a lot of our issues to the forefront, and we end up with a lot of egos jockeying for position and we don’t always treat each other with gentleness. I’m drawn to people who aren’t necessarily martyrs and doormats the way I have a tendency to be, but people who can maintain a sense of calm and caring, who can manage to be empathetic without going crazy in the midst of the maelstrom of frenetic energy we create for ourselves out here.

Favorite music: Tori Amos and Madonna. My two fellow Leo queens.

Favorite movie or TV show: Most people who only know me casually might expect me to pick some depressing artsy thing, but in all honesty my favorite movie is Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead, and my favorite TV show is Golden Girls. I can also recite every single word of every single episode from the first ten years of The Simpsons.

Favorite drag queen: I say this in 100% honesty and not as a pageant answer — I think every single one of our girls in the Grove is amazing, and each one adds something special and unique to the island. I’m not a performer of any kind and half the time I can’t even be bothered to tie my shoelaces, so I have so much respect for how hard these girls work and all the preparation and (literal) sweat and blood that goes into what they do. I will say that any time I’m not working I will ALWAYS go see Porsche at the Ice Palace — I’ve been watching her show for ten years now, and I’m constantly in awe of what she does, and I’m not just saying that because I successfully nagged her into singing a Tori Amos song for me on my birthday. This summer I’ve also fallen in love with Boudoir LeFleur — smart, funny, beautiful, and one of the best dancers I’ve ever seen. Her show with Kimmi Moore Thursday nights at Cherry’s is my absolute must see show of the season.

My drag name would be: Ricotta Salata

Favorite gogo boy: Generally I’m just nervously looking at their feet praying they won’t knock any drinks over, and then awkwardly guilt-tip them without looking up before I run away from the bar.

Favorite DJ: DJ 2Face! He’s at the Ice Palace Monday nights with Pixie Aventura and then all over the place in the city. He really understands how to create a night, a mood, a feeling out of music and is one of the hardest working people I’ve met in nightlife — seriously, go find him.

Other stuff you need to know about me: I’m obsessed with figure skating, to the point where I have almost a concerning idiot savant knowledge of it, and I finally landed my first jump this year at the age of 33. Don’t bring up Tonya and Nancy in front of me unless you’re prepared to hear a six hour dissertation, and never, EVER bring up Tara Lipinski.

Follow me on: Facebook, where I post like I’m someone’s mom, Instagram where I’ll post blurry drunk photos from drag shows, and I don’t really know how to use all the other shit.

Bar Babe Archives

[sun-downer]

Why are there so many fucking fancy ass cars parked in this mother? Fucking broke ass building parking lot. The APM Debbie's out 30 cars in his goddamn parking lot. Oh, so first of all, you were allowed to pass a police car. Second of all, no one has ever been pulled over by a Patty wagon. No offense, but what the fuck?

God damn it. That was energy. Holy shit. That's a lot for Monday morning. Hey everybody. What up? It's the no offense, but what the fuck podcast? I'm your host? Marvin Martinez. And as always my future ex-husband is with me a bunch of Agra. How are you doing? Until I got

Yeah. That's just, that's just what happens when you go to Japan, people just, it's just what everybody does. Speaking of perfect hair. Uh, Maki, Kaji, the godfather of Sodoku died at 69. He nailed it. 69. Oh shit. Yeah. He was good with numbers. He was good. He's like, I'm going to go out on a math joke. Oh yeah.

And you know what? The next one's pretty hard to get four twenties, pretty hard to reach. Even for like Japanese people. Cause you know like this. Yeah. Japanese, you wouldn't refer about your Japanese people. What are we doing here? Let's see. I gotta, I gotta Google up the Google. I get the joke about them.

Right? We used to be allies where you, are you going to teach the history? No, but Japan and in Japan. You guys bombed Japan because they were part of like our crew, basically. Like they were homeys with the Nazis. Yeah. Yeah. Also not read, they would do known thing, but you know, they were also homeless. They were like, what up respect, yo shit.

What do you respect the most about, uh, the Japanese? What do you it currently? I like historically. Oh, overall, just Metta overall. Hmm. I guess I do love, I dunno, respect, but I love that. Like people in Japan tend to be very, very, like, let's not, let's not be seen when they're on the outside. Right. They just like try to behave in a way that nobody looks at them.

But then once you get to the house, they have like the weirdest hobby. Yeah, I collect pickled eggs. I have a whole two apartment bedroom, two bedroom apartment, and like one bedroom. It's only two collecting pickles. Yeah,

I get it. I got stint. You know, who else has says they got soldier boy claimed to own a tare and a tar. He said, that's the how corporations work, dude. I sit in the subway in the morning and I'm about to read me this manga. That's all about weird team and girls that are formed it in 20, but look 12 sniffing each other's hands.

And I'm gonna just read that shit out in the open. That's what I. I did that. Uh, I did that D and D that's my that's my group. I started a girl band idol group of bards as like, you know what, I'm not, I'm going to, they're not going to play the backing music. They're going to actually know how to play instruments.

You know what I'm saying? Uh, let's see what else happened, Taliban? Uh, Taliban said women should stay home because soldiers aren't trained to respect them.

And, and the other women said fine, but, uh, you can't be subscribed to early fans anymore. So you do know that. I don't know, am I the only person on the planet who kind of looks at the Taliban and goes like, you know what good for you guys? Like, I know you're doing a horrible, I mean, it's going to be horrible for a lot of people, but good on you.

I don't know. You beat you beat America, dude, whatever. Like, you know, you guys just stuck to your shit. You're like, no, we want to miss treat our women. We will not have this weird women human rights, bullshit. We will stone the gays get out. You know what Taliban, I respect your Fortnite strategy. You stuck around and you, you, you went to the MPC that told you where the last storm circle was.

And you found that perfect Bush in the last spot. And you just waited in that Bush full shield, full health, just a fucking desert Eagle in your hand, just waiting for that last guy, crouched, you sat there for 35 fucking minutes in that Bush, and then Taliban, you came out of that Bush and you shot the last guy left.

When he, when he was like, there is no other earthly goddamn place this guy could be, why would any shitbag be hiding in a Bush? You come out of that Bush and shoot that guy in the face. Taliban. Good on you. I know, right? Like, holy shit. They took their time. They waited it out, but then they were like, you know what?

No, now the shit, I just read something about it tomorrow, today in the morning, I didn't actually pay attention. Well, I just saw like a headline that I already forgot, but I think now they own all of Ghana's Stan. Again, like they're in control of that. Ooh, getting this sweet, sweet drama. I like, Hey, this, ah, shit, shit.

I'm so pissed. Fuck you guys on there. Is that place ever going to not have war? Like, is that going to happen within like the next 50?

But it doesn't matter what they're fighting over. It's just sand. Yeah. More fun stuff. Leaders of the proud boys centers of five months in jail says, uh, he only got five months. Cause you promise to only burn American flags from now on, um, black lives matter flag. He was, he was charged for burning a black lives matter flag and having high capacity ammunition, route, uh, devices when asked why he needed so many bullets.

He said, my penis is really tiny and I want to look really cool. Is that what he says? And the store only gave out ammo in two sizes, mother issues and compensate for something. And they were fresh out of, I didn't kill my wife. So did he actually say. Ah, damn cause that was

like this guy rules, dude, and all this shit. But wait, one of the, that doesn't mean that this is true. This is true. What convicted? He stood up in the courtroom, pointed up the FBI and screamed. I learned it from me. He actually had a turns out. He had a long history of snitching for the FBI. Actually. He was actually a snitch.

Yeah. Okay. But like, hold on. So one of those isn't there, right? No, but wait a second, one more riff. I like, I like, I, I did research cause you showed me the German article. I was like, they were so tame about it. It was like two, it was like two paragraphs. I click on the Miami news top new times. And it's like a, it's like a five page, like origin story.

Like he's like a bro. And it's like, he's like all American Dan and they use like a good picture of him. It's hilarious. It's so it's the only article about this to where it's not him wearing a flak jacket, like ready to just like shoot anybody. Like, wait, actually anybody. I, I need to get this, this, this bothers me too much right now is burning a BLM flag, a crime

bullets. Cause like I get, if he doesn't, if he's not allowed to have those bullets, I fine. Burning a flag. Is, is that an issue because like I'll burn a flag today. Uh, they burned a bit, I think, I think burning black lives matter, like it was considered like a hate crime, but I don't think they could, I don't think the ground for that was actually like, I think they tried to get them for a hate crime on that.

I don't actually okay. Fucking Australia news. Thanks for not giving me that's where the German newspaper was tamed because they actually stay objective. They only reported the facts and none of the like, like anecdotal bullshit. So it only turned out to be two paragraphs it's like, yo, this white supremacist called Luis Herrera or whatever it is.

Yeah. Uh, douche bag, Mick douchey, dag bag pants has been sentenced to 155 days in prison by a quarter in Washington, confess a pro. He could fast to property damage and possession of weapons, weapon accessories in the proceedings. Uh, the remainder of the sentence under 85 days will be suspended for a three-year period.

He didn't bring his own flag. He just burned one. That was somewhere okay. That, that I get that there's no, there's no, there's a mention of a flag. That's the property damage and nothing else makes any sense. So I feel like if he burns somebody else's flag. Yeah. That's a problem. But if I buy a BLM flag and I want to burn it, I will.

God damn do. So that is within my rights.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I'll burn it. I'll I'll dance on top of it. I'll do it exactly. As Ms. Gatsby says

that was a perfect, my mouse died right. When I was trying to get to the truth. Let's see. Okay. Let's see what he does. Yeah. Uh, so he has to pay a thousand dollars fine and $345 compensation to the, to the church that had, uh, property damage. He was involved with the burning of a, of a banner. It wasn't a flag.

It was a banner that was stolen from the church by members of his group. So he's getting sued for property damage. It's not because it's a crime it's property damage, but the article is misleading in that way. Then the one that you read before was like, well, he's in jail for burning a black lives matter.

It's not that it was misleading. It's that they weren't directly like laying out. Like if the second paragraph what he's fucking is, you know, it didn't say anything about thousand dollars and all this bullshit. No, but it did say at that I was summarizing, I wasn't actually reading that article when I said that.

Oh, okay, cool. So you just insinuated that you asshole, he's proud to be a boy. No. The article was in Sydney, winning that they kept like they're doing this weird moral argument thing. And I was like, okay, fuck up and tell him what the fuck is happening. So he just admitted to it and yeah. Yeah, yeah. So he admitted to it in an interview with the Washington post and then they arrested him.

Cool. I'm good with that. Yeah. So it's bullets, by the way, you shouldn't burn black lives matter flags, but if it's your own thing, you can burn stuff that belongs to you. That's what you choose to do with your property. Do whatever the fuck you want. Like you can have, you can go buy a PlayStation five and burn it for like Tik TOK content.

I'm okay with that. That's all I'm trying to say here, not big enough. Tik TOK content soldier. Boy did actually literally claimed T O and Atari on his, uh, I think it was Instastory or tech dog or something. And, uh, he like showed his contract. Everyone's like, uh, you don't know how to fucking read. You just have a million dollar contract with a target, Haley about you owning it.

And then Atari, like, they literally were like, yeah, we have a CEO. Uh, we're a corporation. We have like a board of C like, go, like, that's not how companies work. I've had, he like ripped up the contract like a day later. And, uh, well actually it turns out Atari ripped up the contract after they found out soldier, boy has less than 4,000 people watching his IQ.

There are only, there are only 3,500 people watching his IgG live, where he was like, fuck you at tiring. Like, what's you, you obviously don't have as many fans as you think you do soldier boys. So then again, to be fair, I've only ever watched one single IgG life in my entire life. And it was like a rocket beans thing that were playing hide and seek.

And like everybody that was hiding, um, like had their Instagram feed on. So you could like watch them hiding and then you could on your computer watch, like the, the guy searching for them and shit. So that was fun. And I partook in for like five minutes and playing around with that. And then, yeah, I closed Instagram again.

Cause it's gay. Uh, speaking of gay, Joe, Biden's on the run again. Uh, Joe Biden, uh, apparently apologized to a lab after he made their mini brains go bald because, uh, he was, he was stunning, his white, white nuts. Uh, and, uh, so, and, and the rays from his nuts bounced off of a mirror and bounced into the lab, uh, 12 miles away.

So, uh, he was paying damages. Yeah. They're making many brains and labs and they're starting to see. Yeah. Apparently one of them saw race jumped in front of a train. Um, let's see,

one of them looked upon the United States and its state of affairs and it killed itself. That's beautiful. Uh, that is beautiful. One of 'em, one of them realized it didn't have a cumbersome Dick and murdered itself. Um, one of them woke up and felt like it was female. It shine at itself. One of them, uh, realized it's perpetuating the patriarchy and it's still Rogan.

Uh,

We're coming for you, baby boy, they made, they use a company made, they felt bad for Val Kilmer after his documentary. And they made a, a voice for him based on all of his, uh, you know, performances and stuff. All the speaking of documentaries, I watched some crazy thing on Netflix the other day called the push.

You ever heard of the push to be a poop joke? No, I sorta, it's not, although it is right there, but it's so was this like British mentalist guy and like in the intro, what he does is he has like some dude call into a coffee house and be like, hello, my name is Mr. Police officer. In high ranks of you, whatever.

He gives him like a fake title and fake name, but like he pretends to be a police officer on the phone and the coffee shop workers, like you hustle what up? He's like, oh, do you see a woman dressed like that? And that, and that we, we were told she walked in. He's like, yeah, well you see her having a baby.

That's not her baby. She abducts babies. Dah, dah, dah, dah. What we need you to do is like distract her pretended I'm a call you on your phone. Pretend like you got a call on the landline, get her to get the phone. And then you take the baby and you walk out the store so we can collect the baby. He's trying to see if he can make a person it's not an actual card and was trying to see if he can make the person commit a crime, but just like giving him certain excuses, like, well, I'm talking to the police on the phone.

Do you know that? For sure. You don't know that that's an actual cop. So just like by giving him like an, a story that he has no knowledge about whether or not it's true, he just goes with it because he doesn't, it seems so big that he doesn't want to go against it. So, so, but that was just the big, is it?

Mungus partsy dicks. You know what my boss has got a huge cock. Right. Cause he subscribed to them famous. Yeah. Yeah. Join our picture. Be early, get on the ground floor. Yeah. Well, you'll be the guys that like, look in two years, you want to be the guys where we interrupt the stream or whatever we're doing and go like, oh my God, yo it's Marco HD.

What up my board. Cause like you've been here since day one. So you know, you wait, should we live stream? This? Is that what you're saying? We should maybe start soon. We should get on Twitch to the just talking thing. Maybe. I don't know, maybe, but we'll take them off. It's all set up. It's all set up. Uh, you know, push thing.

What it was about at the end was it was trying to get a guy to commit a murder. Basically. They were trying to get a guy to kill a person. Yeah. Well, everything was acted out, but it was like this gala thing. And they just made him like, get deeper and deeper. Like within like 20 minutes, the guy was hiding a body,

hit a body. He's like, no, look, when the event is over, we'll call his wife. I swear to you. And he's like, oh, that seems fair.

He said, you dropped in front of you. You're not going to call an ambulance. It's not been five minutes. Well, he did yell at me twice. Like they made sure that the guy was kind of an asshole before and shit. And like, they just gave him all these excuses. But yeah, I'm not going to tell you how it ends, but like he's basically gonna, they want him to get to push that guy off of this, like the roof at the end of it all.

That's like the plan here, you know, incriminate himself to a point where he's like, this is the only way out I need to shove this guy. Dude. I don't know, man, if, if, cause like I always imagined myself and like, you know, if, if there's a game show or whatever, like how could I win here? And like in that one, if you, if you go through that at the end, do you like, what does that say about you?

You were willing to kill a guy. You know what I mean? Isn't that sort of like attempted murder because you did think that you were going to kill the guy. That's like the literal that's like intent to murder, I think is, I think it's like a separate crime actually.

That might be like, like if, if it wasn't for like, if they didn't sign that, uh, what's your McCall it, then it's all actors and shit. Yeah. So like, if it, if it was just him by himself, like that's like conspiracy to commit a murder and stuff like that. Yeah. My question is just like, does the fact that it's all actors remove the fact that he was w because, you know, they would, the actor, the actor was never in any danger, you know, by the time that he would have been put, there was never, I'm saying, if you're going to do a show like that or whatever, the, like, you, you have lawyers that make him sign an like, sign, some kind of agreement where it's like, it absolves you of all that kind of, because like you're controlling the situation.

But outside of that, if it, if he was just like, If it was just some dickhead that was like, cause like if it's just somebody manipulating someone into doing something that's, that's Charles Manson. That's why Charles Manson's in jail forever. Yeah. Because he like, you've manipulated people into doing something, but actually doing it himself.

But what I'm saying is do those contracts really absolve him from the fact that he was willing to put a murder, a person? Well, the guy in the documentary, I get that it's legally. So I'm just saying like, it doesn't really though he's absolved because they're all actives and he did that. But, but, but if he figured out, but if he like actually, so catch this, if he some, if somehow for some reason that stunt fell through and he ended up actually literally murdering them, then it's on the production company.

The production company would go to jail. And so like, so like, and so like he might get manslaughter, but he wouldn't get, like, he wouldn't get like homicide he'd get, like, he would get some, like, acting in a way that, that expand it. It's like, look up whatever the it'd be like coerced manslaughter or something, reckless behavior assumption like that, or, yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, we could, we could, uh, I don't know, call a lawyer, find a lawyer, learn Instagram. Let's ask a bunch of murder questions. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to ask a lot of questions about like, um, international waters for when we have our mansion. We can do what we, we can, uh, you can actually find a lawyer that does a free, a free zoom consultation.

Could we get just like Casa is ask him dumb questions. Like, what do I have to do to do a class action? Is it a class action lawsuit? If I want to Sue every, uh, manufacturer of led headlights and uh, backlights cause the lights on the back on the, the brake lights on the back of cop cars are absurdly bright for no reason at all.

Here's my question. If it's just me and Bontrager, and we let's say abductor person, but then we drive out into open waters. What are we legally allowed to do to set human? Just legally, not morally and just hypothetically obviously, but we get married. How long do we have to wait till we get divorced that we can be called ex how long do we have to stay together before it becomes funny.

Funny? Yeah. Like the window is either the shortest divorce. Right. So like within an hour or some shit, just to make it funny, if it's that short, it would just get a node. That's my thing. I think it would get a note. Sure. Yeah. But if it gets to, now we have to go through, we can't go through an actual divorce.

No, but if we get a note, that's what I'm saying. If we get into note, then you're not my area. Oh, you're going to, you're going to sign a prenup then. Cause I think I own more shit. Just signing prenups. We're both signing prenups. No, I wouldn't have a few toilet paper. Oh, I want, uh, at least half of that woodwork behind you, like, come on, I'll take like one of those doors with the weird man on it.

I'll take whatever is weird cars, man doors. That's the one half of the manga that you find back there. And I was not a half colorful, so I thought those were dildos that no that's like mangoes and books and stuff. And, uh, um, right. No, right here is the game of Thrones, but. And their racist, approximations guitar.

For some reason, I don't actually play a guitar, but like, it's here now. So whatever it looks here, you better start playing it. Dude. I'm going to earn enough to do when people come over so I can go like a damn do they do like a two for five to six seconds long thing. And I go like, guys, guys, come on, come on, come on.

I keep forgetting, go to the storage to get my guitars. Cause I have that game where like you can plug in a real guitar.

Use that a problem plugs, plugging things in China wants to restrict the online play of their teenagers, or I think everybody, I'm not sure if it might just be kids, but, uh, yeah. And, uh, and there's, there's a, there's a mass flooding at the borders of everywhere. That's not China, Chinese teenager. So I guess don't really like, they're trying to restrict your place.

So it's like three hours a week of online play and, uh, yeah, the Taliban promises that Chinese teenagers can play as long as they want, if they join us. So, yeah. Cool. They even get like 72 virgins if they do it, right? Yeah. Yeah. They get 72 versions, but yeah, all they have to do is just keep the room clean and promising not to tell mama they are.

Yeah, problem is they don't tell them the other, the 72 virgins, that's just at the Chinese. Compared to sticking in that room with him, basically slave camp. They're all Virgin Virgin. So I heard that you got like a little bit of a class for me, professor Bont, ERG, two more news stories. The, the drug liberation front, uh, was handing out clean heroin to stop overdoses on, uh, Canada's uh, drug overdose day.

That does sound like something Canada wouldn't do. Yeah, because I guess there was like a lot of fentanyl deaths. Don was conflating it saying it was more than COVID deaths. I was like, I don't know about all that. Yeah. She's not the person that I would run to for like factual numbers on things, but who knows?

I don't know. She talks to a lot of guys who knows things. Do you think that people that go to the beaver trap to get drunk and cheap fucking rum or whiskey or like smart people? Is it, was that called the beaver trap? I have no idea, but that was the most Canadian born name I could think of in like, you know, the time I had, Ooh, do you know how to speak French?

Uh, here we go. Wait, chat. So when I point to you, you're going to, you're going to say a thing step, but you get there. Okay. So in Vancouver, a Vancouver man bites dog, it was a police dog, mad bites, police, dog, after screaming.

I think it was cash will reign Supreme. I don't know the CA  the, uh, th the, the cat, the, the, the, the man was a suspected, uh, cat, dog, separatists. I hate those fucking old school. Can't get over, like re mixing some races together. You know, you know how adorable it is when the little kitty cat sleeps on a big dog?

God damn it, dude. I heard, uh, some people, uh, suspect this cause conspiracy theories. They think he was actually a tail disguised as a man in attempt to, uh, wag the police.

like a late night. He's just been bothering me for like the last 20 minutes. And now I just can't now I got it. What is going on here today? All this time. My dog, man, Korea is working on a new gas weapon. I guess he has more than just far it's coming out of there. Am I right guys? I'm all right. Sorry. Okay.

Uh, welcome to news feud. Uh, let's see, take a guess. Uh, today's today's topic things founded, Joe Biden's pockets. Take a guess. What do you think

says is limped on the boat? Uh, no, but we have, uh, rockets, which I guess again, I guess, uh, survey says, oh no dementia pills, but we do have pair of sunglasses, which I get to guess again, um, um, um, nacho cheese chips, but they're, let's see if the board says it. Let's see if the board says it. Survey says, Nope, I see it says another pair of sunglasses, but you'd like to guess again.

It's weird. I don't like it, I guess one more time. Okay. Fine.

Survey says it actually says a third pair of sunglasses. That's ridiculous. Joe, possibly go that he needs that many things last. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Uh, another round new topic. Uh, the topic is we surveyed, we surveyed families all over America and they think the top results in Ryan Reynolds search results are no, no.

We actually actually called Google. We got these straight from Google. I'm kidding. Fuck. Fuck families. So we, uh, these are Ryan Reynolds, Google search results, top search results in the past week. Uh, what let's let's hear a guess about Ryan Raynaud's or things that he himself Googled. Yeah. Yeah. Ryan Reynolds.

Yeah. Ryan rhinos Googled. Okay.

Is there a gluten in water? Is there a gluten in water? Is it on the board? It's a survey says, uh, how to promote aviation gin. Would you like to guess again? How do you become Hugh Jackman? Let's look at the survey survey says, oh, really close. Uh, where does Hugh Jackman live? It's pretty close. Pretty cool.

Pretty good. Pretty good. I want to take one more swing at this. I'm going to take one more second. Here we go. Here we go. Here you go. Why wait? No, no, no, no. I know it now. I know it now. I know it now. Horrible. Romcoms comma who's hiring question mark. Go show me. Survey says, Ooh. It actually says, uh, who is married to Ryan Reynolds.

He needed to know. So

actually, okay. I got one more. I got one more. I got one more in me. Okay. Yeah. How much is Ryan Reynolds worth? He wants a nice, says. Oh, it actually says how many dildos are too many dildos at once.

Uh, festival. Uh, I still believe in having like a John wick room, but just for sex stories. So like a panic room that you deco with some nice led lights, which is full of sensors, man. Shit. Yeah. Like, so you like that game? I made. I think when I, I think when I say paid it up, a woman said family feud and I was like, yeah, I'll make it better.

She didn't know how to write for it. She left like, write the prompts for it. It's like, no, like, stop, like stop getting so hung up on like the new story. Now we have to like, be funny. You're allowed to like, put like gossipy. Yeah. Ryan Reynolds, shit in it. Like, why are we talking about Joe Biden? Um, he's the president like it's topical.

Like it's topical. These people are alive. He's funny. He's weird. I like him. So if you were to do a family feud show about the news, what would you, what would your topic be? We'll just survey topic B oh, COVID no questions. I want to see the world burn. A

Google question is COVID a hoax. And I say maybe. Okay, one last way. Is this the last news story at resident? Yeah. One last news story. Uh, I got here, uh, FTC is investigating McDonald's ice. Uh, the claims that McDonald's ice cream machines are always broken, uh, said all the ice cream machines, I'm always broken.

Like my marriage. Uh, I'm always broken like your marriage. I don't know. FTC side with, McDonald's saying the employees come it's just too sticky to reliably. Make an ice cream. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a problem in Germany to, yeah. Seth Rogen com has gotten stuff. It did get tweeted. Tweeted. If the ice cream machine is broken, what did I just eat?

God doing this again?

I'm right back in it. It's like I left Vietnam just to go back to Florida, but now I'm fighting like a private Alicia somewhere in the woods. Why is this happening? I should put Joe Biden and then I can put anybody in there. Oh,

Oh,

that's nice. All the Steelers happens to win after an, after an, the crazy turnaround at the end, some say they stole it.

I can't. In other news on your German website, Qubole under the tub, uh, under, uh, the Taliban women only expect bad things said women everywhere else. Um, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Tweeted. If women only expect bad things, what did I just eat?

Fucking Seth Rogan. I bet. Like, I bet he here's what happened with that whole James Franco thing, right? The, the James Franco thing, right. You know, the, the, he had this weird school of like hot chicks basically only that he would try to like, Hey, hot chicks, James Franco, like an acting horse or something.

And it was mainly like attractive ladies. And like, he would have like really sexual scenes with him. He was basically just gaslighting them all to fucking him. It was cool. Okay. But then like Seth now, Seth Rogan went like pretty hard to get, but Seth Rogan one's so hard against it after like being James Franco's boy for like forever that it just kind of feels like it was doing the same exact fucking thing.

But it's like, if you're, if you're actually my friend, here's how this is going to go down. I'm going to throw you under the bus and then I'm going to pay you 11. Hi, cool. He got money for this. And he was like, deuces wrote us a joint dude.

Amen. By the way, I was listening to an audio book of game of Thrones in German. And I hate how they say the names. They, they read them like antique Germans would. So like Janey, isn't just Jamie he's Hyman

who are say, who are you talking about to real generous, but who's generous. Let's say, don't know you mean to an era that sounds so unattractive, but they talked about the, the, by the way, he's called Drogo is so much less rapey in the book. Holy shit. Why did it make him so rapey in the movie, like in the TV show,

Well in the book, he like, they sit together naked for like an hour or something. They just sit there. He just undresses her and stuff, but like slowly and it's always with the more like stuff and go thing. And then like they just chill for an hour. Then he just starts like gently touching her overall. And she starts like getting excited.

It ends with him like picking her up and putting her on his lap. Right. And then going no, because like the only more he knows is no. So you've asked her like, no, and she like grabs his hand to put it to the place where she got wet and then said, yes. So like, it's very different than in a TV show where he just buckles her over.

She says, no, he throws a right back around and just like bounces into her. Like it's. Yeah. It's interesting. I now question, why the fuck they made it so raping the TV show because like, you know, he just goes, no.

The books open shit so much, but like, it's like, it's like, it's like they needed some, some reason for her to go crazy or something, but like they fall in love afterwards. So it's like, it's done. They could have just made it this way, the way that it was in the book, because like it has to do with her, like for the first time, because she was so afraid of everything and shit, before they go way more into that.

Like you can tell him the TV show that she's a skirt, skirt, little girl, Scarlet girl, but she's a skirt. You don't see why she's that scared as much because you don't hear her inner monologue and shit. So, I mean, I guess our parents were murdered. She was shipped over somewhere. Her brother keeps beating her up every day.

It makes sense that she's kind of a scared little chain. When you hear about Sansa, just live in the life.

Was awesome in the books even more so right before, you know, everything turned to shit.

Oh, what, what was, uh, like little flower, I mean, not little flower, a little finger stuff. Oh, in, in the show, I don't like it. The last season. What's different. What's different in the book. I'm not that far yet. I am still on the first one. I just got them this weekend, this weekend. I just started reading the books for real.

Okay. Cause I, like, I figured if I got bored in feast of crows or the one after it, I'm like curious for pepper. I have, I have all the audio books that they have out. Because I'm like, I'm like curious for some of the shit that's been theorized that didn't happen in the TV show, but like, that's been theories for like a long time.

So like, uh, I forget his name, but bran the kid that like goes cripple, uh, he like gets carried. He finds this other kid that comes with the sister and they like get him over to the, to the guy in the woods, you know, behind the wall that Oak, that third eye Raven or whatever his name is, Raven. He's a Raven with eyes when he dies.

I'm just going to call him, leave him with the 3i, Raven, the Raven with eyes. Exactly. Every rape and that's. That's awesome. I like it. So like the theory is that he eats the kid Brahm without knowing like they turned the kid. Cause he has like four senior abilities also lightly, but he's not like strong.

So like they make him into a paste that Brahm eats and then gets stronger with his like vision powers and shit. It's like a whole weird consultant, the conspiracy of the masters and all that shit. Oh, they, he ate one of the children or the forest or whatever. No, no, no, no. The there's like a kid that he goes, oh man, I can show you the F you saw the TV show that he ate the weird kid.

Well, he, didn't not knowingly eat the weird kid, but yeah, like the chill, cause he liked disappears within those caves. All of a sudden, not there's no mentioning of him anymore. It just happens. He just don't get mentioned anymore. All of a sudden. And then like brand has to hear this weird, weird wood paste or something, but like, like it tastes like blood.

He does, he describes the taste of blood as he's like eating. Okay. Well, yeah, but if he died, where's the corpse. Why does nobody talk about him anymore? Ever like even a sister, I guess we'll have to put that in the chat. We'll I mean, the, you know, the discouraged we'll look into the wow. Watch those episodes because those episodes were fucking weird.

Yeah. The, the episodes it's more based on the Joe. Jim was his name. Um, it's more based on the, on the, that's what I'm saying. I'll see what they, what they do in the episode. And then I'll see, I'll try to figure out where it is in the books because yeah, I was listening to you. I have like a video on YouTube that explains it.

I hope. Well, all right. How, what time are we at? What are we, what are we looking at here? Hi, I'm Chad. Yeah, on the recording. I mean, I forgot to record, press start on the we're good though. We talk to a lot of stuff, right? I bet you it's only 20 minutes long. We didn't do any improv games. Okay. So, oh, we, yeah, we can still do some, you pick a profession.

Wait, pause it first for one second, because I need to tinkle.

And then I said the duck flew across the restaurant. That was flawless. Let's do another one. Let's do another one. Uh, okay. So P pick a profession, um, lawyer. All right. So we're two lawyers and a lawyers office. And, uh, we're, we're just chilling in the break room, I guess. Yeah. How about that? Hey, how you doing?

Not too bad. Just hanging out much appointment today, but you got a lot on your plate. I wish I had a lot more on my plate. Right? Becky's ass Becky, look at her. She is bigly, but like, what's your favorite jiggle part of her though? Um, objection. I enjoy nothing. That just goes on hair.

Oh, thank you for the ugly dude.

Never have that conversation. I need to pick a less professionally. I, uh,

I actually, uh, she, uh, Becky. I, I donated my sperm to Becky. She's going to have my kid technically. Huh? How did that happen? Oh, she just asked, she just asked. She wanted to like, she's like, you know, I want to do like the insemination thing. Like we can do the fuck thing, but it's, you know, it's easier to just do the, the juices if like she, like, you can choose the thing and I'll do the insemination at the doctor so that my family feels like it's like, uh, you know, actual a semen donation, but we could just fuck on the side.

So I F we fucked and then I did the, I did the Jews in the cup. Okay. And did you sign, did you ever sign any contracts that legally forbid her from later on abusing you as the father? Oh, yeah, of course. Okay. Okay. Okay. She drew them up. They're actually pretty good. The papers were pretty fucking silent. I checked them out.

I actually ended up, I had added a line or two. She was trying to like catch me on a, on a tense in the third paragraph, second clause. You know how it is, but I fucking, you know what I mean? I added that extra comma. She thought she could fuck me over, dude. She taught, she could fuck me over. Get the fuck at a, this guy is Columbia educated.

You thought you could take them? Huh? Community college graduate. Or you do it. Isn't that like? Yeah. Wait, what are you asking if Columbia college is a community college one, right? No, no, no. I'm saying she's the club community college graduate. How dare she question? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good one.

Let me, it's like, okay. It's not like a top tier. It's not like, yeah, but it's okay. It's okay. People are like, oh, you went to Colombian. People say it like that. Okay, but not like, oh, you went to Columbia, but yeah, they're definitely not like, fuck Columbia. There's no. Is it hardwood? Uh, yeah, I guess if you're going to go like, yeah, you want to go Ivy?

Ivy? I think Columbia is a no, I was, I was so wasted. I don't even know what kind of school Columbia is. Honestly. It could have been like, uh, it could have been. Where were you? What college did you go to? Uh, I went to brown. Ooh. You know, college is bad, but it's just named after a collar. Well, in the garden of all fucking universities, only one I could get into, I can get into, I went to circle university.

We had, we had a big rivalry going with triangle. It was great. Yeah. Yeah. Did you have good parties of circle? Yeah. Yeah, but to be honest rectangle, they, they would just be crazy if they were the wild south. Fuck you. What'd you go circle. I was circled, dude. You did not fucking go to circle. Give me a real co give me a real college.

A piece of shit. I didn't go to college. Germany doesn't work that like university here is more for, for if you want to become a lawyer or shit like that. Yeah, you're a lawyer. No, no. I stopped doing that a year ago. I didn't pass the bar. I just scanned my way into here. What are you joking? Obviously, dude.

Come on.

I was going to have to report you to fucking, uh, Roger were there. Oh my God. Come on. You know me? I'm I'm the office prankster. I was literally pulling up the, uh, secretly report and employee for not going to college. Yeah. That's it's weird. That's the function on the app? How much does that happen in his office?

Well, we're lawyers. So a lot. You gotta, you gotta fuck your, your friends over when you can. It reminds me of that kid. Dr. Fi love. Dr. Love the, the 16 year old, just Dr. Love. It was just this like 16 year old who pretended to be a gynecologist.

He wanted to finger women. Huh? I wish I could have represented that kid. That's the dream man. Getting a teenager off. Speaking of getting a teenager off, what's your favorite case? To be honest right now, I like the Lieberman case. It's, it's just really favorite case that you've won. Oh, my favorite that I've won.

I guess I liked that. I liked that bad girls club case that I represented. That was the best girls club. Yeah. You know, the girls that, that Sue back girls club, because they were like, they were like, dude, you can't just throw us into a room and feed us with drugs and booze for like a week. And then like get angry at us when we fight.

That's like not how this shit works. And I like, I represented, you know, backgrounds, but obviously, so I made sure these bitches didn't get a single cent. It was awesome on what grounds? Well, they signed a contract and they didn't agree to civilized behavior. You know, they broke the car. She got them on breach of contract.

Yes, they're classic. Oh, so, you know, the judge was an old white male and these women were all minority. So I walked in there, I saw that and I was like, oh my God, classic Frederico, getting them on a fucking breach of contract. And you know, these girls use Slaby Federico. These girls are never going to be able to pay, but that does not matter.

I won the case and I get paid. You know what I mean? You gotta do your pro bono for the hot girls. I get it. Oh yeah. I'm going to pro bone. These girls. Yeah. Laura is our gross. Let's get back to where. Alright. Okay. So now, yeah, so you see how easy improv is. Let's do another one. Now you choose something, but choose a spot.

Um, spot a profession, like a job and, and event that happens. Actually, I, I pick the event that happens. Something's going to happen throughout that. It's going to happen with us, with the profession, hit us, hit us with the professional. Um, we are, uh, let's see, everyone says the same seven professions. Let's see.

Uh, we are,

were like, those were like those people who like, uh, like suck people. We suck the fat out of people. We're like suck the fat technicians. Okay. So we're just assistance to a guy in a like office. Okay, cool. Cool. Well, not the head honchos there. They're still a doctor, but we're the guys that just do the,

so like the plastic surgeon guy, he comes in and he marks up the body, like, this is the fat is the fat. And then so like, then we just cut the hole and suck it out. He's like, he like marks it out and we suck out the fat equals back in and he, and then he like adds the structure and stuff. We're we're, we're just the fat removers.

Okay. Okay, cool. What happens is a cockroach flies against the outside of a window. Improv works. It's an event. We're going to build it into it. Don't worry. And now give us the location. Yeah.

Where we're going to do a scene, an improv scene, uh, here at second city. Can I get a suggestion, but just so you know, there's going to be an event, an event happening. I am going to take a shit. Yeah, just being in the scene. That's fine. Probably works. Let's just do that. It's called. Yes. And why can't you just, you can't even, I can't.

Yes, Andy, because we have to fundamentally agree of the game here. Right? Remove improvising. You don't have it. Like you don't we'll do what you have a cockroach. You can be like, you can be like we're at an event, like could be like, and a cockroach. Like, what is that? I just wanted that to happen. But you, you could make, you could start the scene off by saying, Hey, look at them.

Agreeing with you. Let's move this over to you. You haven't, you haven't read this book. You haven't read this book over. Have you read any books down? I can't read. I never learned, I think I just know a lot of words that I memorize what they look like, but I don't know anything. Making books sounds. I'm going to book right back at you.

You better book. That's the sign of a big ass, but whatever fine, fine. We'll do, there's going to be an event. No, no more event. Let's just go with,

where are we? What are, where are we? We're fat suckers. Suckers. Yeah. Well, we're fat suckers. You choose the place. We just at the job at the job, we're just at the scene of the happening, you know, it just right. Maybe it's like we're maybe it's like the, like the person's like knocked out and we're sucking the fat.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're double w we're double sucking it cause we want to get out early. Okay. Okay. God damn it. This way too much fat to sock on this piece of shit, huh? Yeah. You know, honestly, honestly, I think I've, I've like the second time I've seen her back this month. It's crazy, dude. Dr.  he's fucking he's he's so he's so, uh, he's he's, he's pretty good.

I don't know. He, it, the asses he makes, I wish he'd put a little like, like, like, like, like, you know, like a nice juicy ass should sit. It should be kind of like, like a peach or something. I feel like, but I feel like there should be a slight flatness. Like they use it, you know what I mean? Like, I want an ass that's you?

I know. Yeah. Oh yeah. You like broken you like, like broken women, you know, broken button creates perfection and you're just like, I want a little used to it. You know, I don't like a brand new car. A little bit. I like a little bit of a, like, this is where the ass sits on things. And, but it's still really jiggly.

I wouldn't really want to improve. It's really got the slab. You've always been the kid that starts enjoying his shoes two weeks after owning them. You know what I mean? You like walked in stuff. You like, you like your shoes walked in. That's just, that's just you. That's what that means. I like my shoes and walked in when stuff's like worn out.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, that's always been you. Yeah, I guess you're right. I wish I could finish this. I wish I wish I could hire someone. I'll do it two weeks. You'll do it. I'll I'll I'll the judges in every shoe. Uh, 11, maybe 11 and a half dude. Come on. I forget half an inch. You know how important that is?

Fred, Fred tried to practically buy Jillian my shoe. I was like, I hardly noticed like that it's dry. Like there's nothing on there. It's not like there's a gob. I felt like it was like little, it was like a little drop, like, you know, so I rent, uh, so back when I was in high school, basically. Yeah, that will be high school for you a second, doing a side rant while we're out the job, sheriff, I don't know what side right side right side of an improv scene is what you're tracking, but it's no, it's outside of the it's it's a real life.

It's a pocket dimension inside of it's a pocket dimension side rant inside of the improv scene. So you've pressed. So you've, you've pressed pause on our improv scene to do a side rant in another dimension, just so we can it watching this on a TV screen right now, full screen, like that scenery, right?

That's just sucking out the bitch. It would pause and it was out of the picture and reveal that there's two people watching this and now they talk. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, I had this best friend at the time Simon and he had a bigger brother, Nico. Now whenever ne he, Nico wouldn't hang out with us usually. But whenever he did, he, he had a weird thing about him where he had to like outdo us on everything.

So we would just fuck with him by doing stupid shit. And then he would try to do stupid or shit. Right. So like, I dunno, we went to like the, there was this weird playground thing that had like this really tall. Um, like what's it called lately? Something to climb on. There's like a tower and we, we jumped off like the, almost the highest possibility that like gave you.

So of course he went to the roof of it to jump off of it. Like he broke his leg, it was hilarious. Um, and he would always do dumb shit like that. Right. And one time we had this kid that we used to fuck with a little bit, way too much. Actually we believe this kid, but he had fun doing it. Like he, he would bully himself all the time.

So, and I liked it. Um, but his mom was a whore, like a massive for that was like, it was legit. She went to five different parent teacher evenings. With like five different baby daddies, like five different dudes that would just bang in her. It was retarded. Um, so one day we went there, we wanted to mess with him, like, you know, just fuck around, get him, let's go outside.

Let's also make him do dumb shit. But like, he didn't open the door. He wasn't reacting. If anything, we threw like little rocks at his window. Apparently he was asleep or he wasn't there. Who knows. So since we didn't get to fuck with him, Nico had the weird feeling that he needed to make this evening epic and do something crazy.

So he proceeded, like they had their shoes outside of the house. Like, like on the back door, we would just always go into the backyard. That's how you, you know, you're supposed to basically enter as, as friends, you just went through the back door and they had like a roof above it and shit, but it was outside and they had their shoes there and like a little terrorists, I guess, to sit down and shit.

So he just grabbed one of his shoes and just pooped in the street.

Draws the line just to be like, it was way too gross. And we all threw up just may 16 and shit and had drank a little, it was dumb. But then on Monday, the kid came to school with those shoes on. Now, I don't know if they were washed, I'm assuming at the very least stretched out. Like our alter Eagles are doing to that bitch.

But yeah, I'd get, I'd get some new doctors Shoals and I'd, I'd soak them in the bathtub for seven days. I just charging them. I touch them. I use the stick to put them on a fireplace where you have to keep them. Your parents are like, I'm not getting new shoes. How don't give shit. You give me new shoes.

Motherfucker is pooping. My shoes. Don't forget. I come from a family. That's like wealthy back in the day. We were like pretty. Decently wealthy. I'm saying he's poor, obviously. Yes. We're poop shoes. He wasn't before they had like a nice house and car and shit, his mom was making good money, which is probably why she was warring around because she was like, dude, I don't need no man to support me.

I can just get me something. Imagine this, imagine this improv scene inside of a side rant.

Uh, so, um, I'm the mother come to me with your poop shoes. Let me try to get into the character because I know him Mo oh, wait, wait. Just so you know, just so you know, our relationship. One time he came to school and his story was last night. My mom came into my room to yell at me and I just like pitched back at her.

Right. We just fought for a loop. And then she said, shut up you son of a bitch. Listen to me. So that's why we called him his mom a bitch too. Okay. So just so you know, he knew the character from the story. Come on, mom, mom, mom, mom, for my shoe. All right. Didn't know mom. There's little shit in my shoe. Yeah.

But like, what's the problem though? You don't know how to clean it. Mom, mom, mom, mom. I'm going to, is it your poop? Whose poop is the moms on my boom? Let me see poop. Is it that smell like the clean boy? First of all you're grounded for knowing whose poop it is. First of all, what, what do you, what, what do you want, what do you want?

Do you want tips on how to clean the poop out? Like figure it out please. Can I get, like, I don't know, boiler the paper, what are you a poop of? My shoe. Uh, geez, God, shut the fuck up. Why are you bothering to you? Such a, such a wimp. I'm trying to think of a clean poop out of a shoe, OxiClean, OxiClean, and shut the fuck up you.

How old are you? How fucking old are you? Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. How old are you? So we have some Oxyclean I guess you could use, don't put, don't use all of them use like five Clorox wipes. Shut the fuck. You know, what do I look like? Your made you pooped in your shoe. You're going to clean the poop out.

So here, go get the fuck you. I hate you. Throws poop shoe against wall runs away. It is legit. How that way, I guess you're going to school with no shoes.

You don't break the improv scene and say, what happens? How fucking dare you. I was still in that seat, bitch. You don't just leave you. Don't just jump back here. Get the fuck back here. You little snap. Fuck you, bitch. You thought you show up. You throw a poops through a poop, a shoe against my fucking house.

I don't whore around this town for nothing little snapshot. You're going to go back. Take the poop shoe off that wall. You're going to clean the fucking wall. First. You got to take your poop shoes, fucking out the fucking side. I don't know why he brought you to get the carrot hit to the fucking house. Go fuck yourself.

It's an improv scene. You don't, you don't critique me. The character I'm playing. I'm the mom, you're the son critiquing the character. I brought this out TV that his mom was watching TV on just in the living room. He just poked it out and just took it into his room. Cause he was like, yo TV is better. And his mom was like, oh, okay, prophecy, it's called improv.

See, this is the first time his mom ever grew a fucking miracle just cause I know the kid and you know, just like I just instantly had a picture of him in my head. Just walking into school with no shoes on. Well, lucky you have those shoes. Then he just walked in barefoot. When day do you tell your school while you're walking?

Like in midway, like in a rainy day, like just. Yeah, fucking leaves everywhere. It's great. Actually, you're a, what's your shoe size? Where would I? My fucking pink tennis shoes. You dumb shit. Fucking take it. The shit to your shoes. It's just some sun. I rule it already, but improv scene of them suffer in front of my eye.

Um, and it was beautiful. That's the power of it. But also also the guy that once in Germany, I don't know what you do in the U S but in Germany, when you'd write a test and you get it back, you end that lesson, you go through it and she gives you basically the right, correct answers for everything that you have to write down.

So like he w he wrote all of the down, he was like, yo teacher, You forgot a page on my car, on my like, test, you didn't even correct. And pass it down to you're like, dude, are you really going to try to do this? And he was like, no, you got it. Look at it. It's all there. It's all correct. I just heard it. She's like, look, I'm going to give you one more chance to just quit this and go sit the fuck down.

Or it's going to have to be a thing. And he's like, no teacher come on. He would get whiny as fuck. And then I he's like, okay, look, you wrote this in like black pen. Right. But, but this page that you just brought to me, the entire test was written in black pen, but this patient's supposed to be in the middle.

All of a sudden is in blue ink and look at this and she just legitimately used her fingers, move, swipe over it. And it like, you know, smudged a little because it was fresh. She's like, are you dumb? You like playing with me? So yeah, it was, it was great. He just like, and he just stood there and started crying, left the room and yeah, didn't return that day.

He just came back the next day. Pretended like nothing happened. He was funny. All right. So yeah.

so would you use your discount to get anything? Honestly, yes. I want like some liposuction right on my leg, like right above my Dick, that area, make it a little bigger. You know what I mean? Just by like sucking out the fat from over there. Just gain like an extra inch. That'd be cool.

Why don't you just get your Dick bifurcated and then he can make both of your Dick's bigger. Oh no, I want that. I want my

trifurcated no, I don't need, I don't need a pitch deck.

Oh man. You

know, I kind of want a peace sign deck. Can you cut it in a piece? Spread like this? Yeah, no, like the actual sign that will be like, you know, circle a circle and a Pitchfork, you know, that peace sign. It actually stands for death. Hmm. Can you put cock rings around my penis and like arrange them to look like the Olympic.

Rings. I mean, you could put cock rings on your Dick to look like the Olympic rings. You don't need a plastic surgeon for that, but I want them permanent. I want they're like built into the bottom of it. Oh no. Your Dick will fall off. You have to take the cock rings off at some point. No, but I just want them to like work into my skin, like piercings.

Basically. There can be holes that I can take them out of for a short time and shit. Yeah. Like ribs for his pleasure. You want like Dick?

I know a guy who could do some body modifications. Yeah. He'll like, he'll like put a USB drive in your head.

No, not, not like Neuralink. It's like a, it's like an encrypted Bluetooth drive thing. And what does it do for you? Uh, you just store data on it. You can like Bluetooth that to people if you want. Oh second, like, oh, okay. That's stupid. It's pretty stupid because you have to like put a USB drive. It's like put a USB stick into it to like upload more stuff into it that looks done.

It's that's now, man, are we still sucking the fat out let's switch sides, which is huge.

Holy shit. This bitch. Huge dude, dude, dude, we're almost off the arms. We have to go to the stomach dude. And then we have to do the ass and legs. This is going to be a while. There's a reason we both were doing this, but, but man, I need to get out of here early today. Yeah. What are you doing? I got a grinder Dade.

I mean, Tinder. Yeah. Who is he? She, she, um, I don't know. Totally fine. Oh, cool. It's cause it's Grindr. It's Lucio. He's Brazilian. Can't fucking wait for us. He plays soccer on the beach, according to his photos. Lucia. Yeah. He sent me like a Dick and an asshole picture within like the first conversation ever.

So yeah. Yeah. Like that was the first thing he wrote me. It was just pictures. And I replied with a soft penis than an erect penis and my own ass. So, so then he wrote a kissy face. I wrote a smiley with like heart eyes and then he sent like a clock and I just wrote tonight. Yeah. Now we, that, it's so simple when you're just fucking, you're not going to like go to get ice cream or something.

I mean, we might get some ice cream afterwards.

I know, but where are you fucking at? Oh, my place. Oh, okay. That's all I trust. Spring-ish stranger over. Yeah, but like that's alive, dude. You just gotta like have a stranger over you. Fuck him. Eat his ass out and he'd throw them out. Maybe order a pizza. If he's chill.

Yeah. I can have some pizza.

We like order a pizza.

It'll be awhile.

All of it, but she's just going to eat it in a fucking sleep. Oh shit. You right. How about this? You up the, the, the dosage. So she's out and I'll order the pizza. There's not enough dosage on this planet. Even if we kill this bitch to make her not eat pizza, I'm looking at her. We've been at this for 27 hours.

We're barely done with the video. Yeah. Steve, by the way, should we get, take talks? No, right now that's crazy. We don't believe in China. No, we shouldn't get tic-tacs and that's fucking, I didn't. I'm like you already have one and you've already sent me the videos. I know I never did. And I will never do that.

He did it. I saw it. I'll do anything for love. You're like, look at it. I did it.

Uh, I, yeah, I guess this has been no offense, but what the fuck? Don't don't don't touch your children. Don't unless they, I mean, dude, I mean, touch your children, but just like appropriately, like high five, you kid. Oh, you can. High-five the newborns. Yeah. In the face, right? Like one of the cries about the public, you just go like, Hey baby.

I five. Oh sure. I thought she was supposed to, I thought sunlight gives you cancer. So you're supposed to like put kids in a closet and like, not let them see any light and then like capita and then like have them only watch Kung Fu movies, like 24 hours a day. You're thinking of when you thinking of, when you go to the store and you leave them, locked in the car with all windows up watching a stupid movie.

So they're distracted and then it doesn't. Oh yeah, it makes sure that make sure the car's turned off and there's nowhere in Nevada abortion, the late term abortion, but Nevada abortion. I don't know why he just called it. She just called it a Levada abortion. Yeah. People are ruthless out there. Yeah, dude.

People in Nevada, you don't have notice. We see Nevada, I guess this is it. We're saying goodbye. How do we, how do we, what we started figuring out how to just add a sign off. It's your job. If you do it, um, accurate. Bye.

[kasssiopeia]

Final thoughts on NDRV3

posted under cut because spoilers!

So I want to write a little review for.. i dont even know whos gonna read that? probably nobody that still wants to play the game afterwards, haha. Anyway I felt like writing a final report on what I liked or... disliked, at least for the record I guess.

Starting with characters:

When I first watched the trailer, there were quite a few characters that caught my eye. Especially Yonaga and Amami, also Saihara and talent wise I was really looking forward to Ultimate Magician cause?? Nice? Also the promo pictures oh my.. Akamatsu and Harukawa?? Hell yeah. Saihara and Momota? Yeah alright! Amami and.. whos that again? Ah yes Ouma.. well I don’t really care but sure? (haha)

Actually playing the game made me think twice on a lot of characters really quickly. First of all I immediately fell in love with Chabashira and the fact that she and Akamatsu got along was just suuuper exciting!! Also Shinguuji seemed interesting but his story seemed a bit difficult for me to understand in Japanese. After getting to know Hoshi for a bit I also became really attached to this character cause he was kinda relatable for me? and I dont mean because of the same alias, I just felt his kinda nihilism and will to sacrifice himself for the others cause they have more “will to live” hit home really closely. I think if it were me, surely I’d behave similarly. Halfway through the story I suddenly realized I really love Ouma, I don’t even know how that happened cause at first I was kinda meh towards him but smh it happens quite often that characters who pissed me off before suddenly become my bias, soo we are stuck with him now I guess? but ill talk about him in more detail later. Saihara turned out to be a true “meh i dont really care about this guy” character, Harukawa was annoying cause in the end her behaviour changed nothing and it was just plain boring. Hagakure.. I mean Momota was same, and it was even worse that these two kinda became a romantic pair cause that just made them even more boring. I could only acknowledge Momota after it was found out that he agreed to Oumas plan.

Also I ended up disliking most of the other characters, ESPECIALLY Yumeno cause she was equally boring and useless and dont act like you ever cared about Chabashira cause Im not buying that. Angie WOULD have been interesting if she had killed someone after all, but yeah whatever. Shinguuji had the potential but they decided to completely fuck over his character in his trial.

The game mode:

Tbh at this point, I cant really complain much? I gotta say I disliked logic dive and forgot how its called.. the sword mode something something. But then again I played this on pc and I think both wouldve been a lot easier with a controller. Now lets look at brain drive, which works similar like logic dive and... what? i have to pick up sex workers? Saihara’s car is full of sexy ladies? WHAT

seriously i dont know what they were thinking but that just weirded me the fuck out. The rest wasnt so bad. The new game mode they brought in wasnt so bad, relatively easy to win but to this day id need so much more time to figure out how to clear every block. The showdown thing?? pretty shit. I liked panic talk action in the previous games, but now it became a button mashing rhythm game that was.. pretty difficult aint gonna lie. Also the fact that you literally tear off their clothes until they are half naked in the end.. what. the. fuck.  Climax logic was alright, but the pictures got really tiny i think? sometimes it was hard to get what was going on unless you read the description. Scrum debatte was great, and the new feature to lie? ... Meh. Smh from the trailer I got the impression that i could either lie or tell the truth. Maybe I was just too stupid to do that, but i dont think i ever had a choice to do either. If someone was able to do different, please tell me cause I was a bit disappointed. Ah also, weak point panic talk(?) where you have to listen to many characters at first. if im not wrong it was introduced as something only Akamatsu can do? because of her musical ear I mean. Well guess that was a lie,

The trials:

Probably THE main thing in dangan ronpa I mean hey we all came here to enjoy a little murder mystery right? (jk im here to romance the characters in peace mode) Let’s say I wasn’t... too impressed with them.

The first trial was pretty interesting, well done too, if it WASNT for the point that the player character herself was the killer and got executed. Wait what, you just took my character away? after the FIRST trial? Yes exactly. I’m not sure what they were thinking except adding a bit more drama and man pain for Saihara but ill write more to that later. At the end of this trial, everyone cried more for the killer than for the victim just because her motive was something as noble as “I knew we wouldnt make it in time so one of us had to kill someone.”

second trial was... incredibly weird and unnecessarily cruel, and I’m not saying this because Hoshi is my bias. Okay maybe I am. But seriously first he gets drowned and then his corpse is eaten by piranhas so theres not even anything left of him anymore? The whole creating a ropeway with a pool floating thing just felt weird to me as well but sure I wrote it off as “after two games theyll eventually run out of ways”. Speaking about the motive... it was similar to the first murder in dr1, but the fact that Toujou turned out to be some president of a country (if I got that right, I was bored and didnt bother checking unknown words) and she wanted to get out to save her people just.. what? And I said this before but I dont believe that Hoshi just “let himself get killed”. Why’d he fight for his life otherwise and leave all those scratch marks on a fucking stone sink? After the trial, again, nobody cried for the victim, they were all ridden on the killers noble idea of getting out.... okay? what

the third trial!! hell yeah!! that was finally one i could really enjoy, despite my waifu getting killed (but she was beautiful until the end). I actually dont know what really got me to like this murder, but the fact that it was definitely plausible maybe helped. Also when it happened right in front of everyone was just really exciting! The trial was... good, until Shinguujis “real identity” was revealed. His motive was pretty gross, I mean the fact that hes romantically in love with his sister and kills for her, which also implied hes a serial killer just.. idk that was weird, but FINALLY they didnt cry for the killer but for the victims.

trial four was a PAIN to get to, istg this stupid game world pissed me off to the point where i didnt  wanna play anymore, also cause i heavily suspected Ouma to do something and I didnt want him gone haha. The death itself turned out to be pretty interesting (tbh i wouldve never thought theyd kill of a ero character like Iruma! ) so I’d say i liked this trial.

Dude trial five!!! hyped me up so much. I was so torn between hoping Ouma is the killer and also Ouma being the victim... if I ignore the stupid romance interval between Harukawa and Momota, I could even say this was my favorite trial. But it also heavily reminded me of Komaeda’s trial which was a bit.. weird. I got pretty pissed that in the end, Momota didnt go through with Oumas plan, therefore making his death basically useless.  But boy the trial gave me so  many Ouma feels, so that was nice...

The sixth and final trial... where do I even start? Well its where the whole plot comes to an end right? And the kotodama looked pretty interesting, just like the build up but then.. I understand that 4th wall breaking is cool, but do it too much or at the wrong time and its just a pain in the ass.

The trial almost had me throw away my ps vita in frustration also it was so boring i ended up skipping a lot of dialogue cause what are you even trying to get at? Not even the end or some more 4th wall breaking could fix this and literally until the end i was so bored that i just skipped through so i could unlock bonus mode... i almost feel like telling everyone, dont play this game now lol.

The story

If the beginning had you wondering, isnt that normal for all dr games? at least i thought so. normal game, normal killing, great. But the new main character! Akamatsu was pretty lovable. I enjoyed the way she brought in her talent into conversations (and left others stunned cause they couldnt relate). She was just really refreshing to play as, just the small romance-y sections with Saihara were boring (but at this point i thought its just being friends so okay) . Compared to Naegi who was seen by the others mostly as a “loser” or weakling who sometimes says something good, and Hinata whom everyone really liked, Akamatsu seemed to me like having some people who really trust her, and those who are somehow against her. AND THAT FELT RIGHT.

Too bad she literally gets killed as the murderer during the FIRST trial and replaced by Saihara who evidentally gives off a ~Naegi vibe~. Seriously why would you even do that.. It was stupid as heck, but the only good thing is that it saved us from possible Saihara and Akamatsu love story.

Continuing, Saihara loses some of his weakness thanks to Momota, and also it is hinted that Ouma can’t really be trusted or can he...? Cause what he did that was thought to be evil and possibly harmful for the others actually turned out to be a way to at least prevent one killing. After that I got the feeling that he actually grew just a little bit closer to the group and became even more helpful again.

Then we have these weird scenes with Harukawa and Momota, which are just weird and Harukawa herself was a boring character, but if you care for some tragic background and forseeable character development that of course has to end with romantic feelings, sure.

The student council thing to prevent murders from happen was actually pretty interesting and i wish theyd gone through with that just a bit more, but it was a nice turn of events.

Talking about Ouma, the moment you think hes on your side, theres this weird scene with him and Monokuma and you know somethings up. I made a post about this earlier too, wishing for him to double cross everyone and eventually turn out good, but that suddenly turned into a pretty far fetched wish after the fourth trial where hes portrayed as ultra evil and later on reveals that hes the mastermind (wait, is he really? should his black and white clothing scheme have given him away sooner?)

i guess i... didnt mind it so much except for the fact that Ouma wont appear that often anymore. he even goes as far as to say that the killing game is over, but isnt it kinda boring that the character who hinted that he was evil, turns out to be evil after all? Well a lot of things in this game were a bit boring, so... sure. We even learn that Ouma is a remnant of despair and what?? how does that even make sense. If they are supposedly students of the new Kibougamine Gakuen which was built by Naegi, Junko and Despair wouldve long been dead! Alright then? Oh yes also the whole setting ins in SPACE and those students are the last 16 humans from earth who were put in cryosleep until they reached a new planet to live on. Oh...kay? Why not I mean.

For Hope to win, everyone sets out to kill Monokuma to finally make the Killing game end for real and.. look, Ouma is helping them! Somehow that is really giving me hope for his character even if his insane laugh and incredibly creepy sprite (seriously what the fuck) are a bit unsettling...

And then.. who wouldve thought? Another killing happens but this time with a twist. Ouma wasnt actually the ultra bad guy everyone thought and guess what! Hes not even the mastermind! Thats my son. I was super happy that some faith in Ouma was restored, even tho his plan to snuff out the true mastermind reminded me of Komaeda going crazy to single out the traitor... especially cause there are quite a few similarities between those two.

So for the final trial, it seems that there are quite a few hints linking to the true mastermind being Enoshima... again? How did she even get here. But theres some weird plan from the government and the fact that Monokuma is here as well might be that someone implanted some sort of virus like in sdr2? We also know that theres definitely someone who is watching the whole killing game. And thats... where it all goes to shit.

This dangan ronpa is the 53rd installment and the people watching are actually dangan ronpa fans! surprise youre all just fictional characters who chose to be here, and so is every other dangan ronpa character! nothing is real, you dont even really exist! lololol

do i need to say any more

I think that was the worst plot twist ive ever seen? You couldve just somehow figured something out, even make it a reality tv show for crying out loud but not some bullshit like ohh the dangan ronpa fans wanna see you despair! they wanna see you have hope!

fuck. off.

if it wasnt for that ending, that game wouldve been a solid 7/10 I’d say, especially with the last 3 chapters really getting me fired up. But that shit.. Its a literal, oh we just made this game cause you fans wanted it? we didnt actually wanna make this but you keep asking for more?

HOW ABOUT YOU DIDNT EVEN MAKE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE

im gonna go romance ouma in peace mode now bye

[admhawthorne]

I’m going to post something here that may possibly get me in some level of trouble...

...if my former roommate reads this, but, at this point, I suspect it’s a moot point.

In 2014, I agreed to be my cousin’s roommate so she would be able to afford payments for a new car. She really needed a new vehicle to get from point A to point B, and I figured it’d be fine to be her roommate. Our schedules are extremely different, and the likelihood of us actually seeing each other was really fairly small. It’d be two ships passing in the night, which exactly what I said at the time I agreed to be her roommate.

[VERY long post about why I’ve been less than cordial for two years.]

In fact, I was very clear that we probably wouldn’t see each other much, we wouldn’t eat together, and it would be rare that we would spend down time together, such as playing board games, because of how different our habits are. I made no secret of how I would behave here. This was a roommate arrangement, not a family reunion that went on all year.

We set ground rules. She would let me know if she left for the weekend so I could lock to top lock. She would pay me so I could pay the bills because I had to move in a month before her, so the bills would be in my name, and she wouldn’t bring strangers into the house (aka one night stands.) She would get the master bedroom with the attached bathroom. I would get the covered parking. Her friends could stay the night, and her best friend could wash his clothes at our place. My wife could come when her scheduled allowed. We would clean up after ourselves, take out the trash and put the dishes when needed, and I would hire a housekeeper to come clean once a month or so. My cousin was under no obligation to pay for that service, but it would be nice if she chipped in since the housekeeper would be cleaning the common areas.

It was, from there, a series of bad omens.

We looked around at few different apartments as time came close for me to move. My lease was up a whole month before hers, and, to add to it, I had to give a 60 day notice to my current complex while she only needed to give 30 (as I recall).

Our schedules never worked out to find a place. I kept pushing as it got closer and closer to time for me to put in my intent to my current complex. Finally, it was the weekend in which I had to find a place, and I called her only to find she was in a different state on vacation with a friend of hers. I asked her if she really wanted to roommate with me. If she didn’t, that was fine, but I needed an answer that weekend because, as I’d stated earlier, I needed to have a place lined up by that weekend. She hemmed and hawed and finally said she still wanted to do it and she guessed she’d trust me to pick from the places we’d already looked at.

Why was it so hard to find a place? Well, it couldn’t be further than 20 minutes from her work, it had to fall under X amount of money each month so she could afford it, it had to have two bathrooms, and it had to have a bedroom big enough to hold her king sized platform bed plus her stuff. Her stuff, mind you, is enough to fill up a moving truck twice over and then some.

So, I put down for an apartment that worked under her guidelines. It worked for me, too, because it was also close to my job at that time. A week later, I was offered a FAR better job. That job was an hour to an hour and a half away from this new apartment, depending on traffic. I took the job, of course, which meant I had to eat that commute.

From that point on, it’s just been a series of mini-cluster fucks.

First, there was the issue that not all of her stuff would fit in the new apartment, which she knew, but she thought more could fit in there than could actually fit, so she had to get a bigger storage unit. That eventually became a weird strike against me even though I got rid of all my sitting furniture and had only one box and a table top in the storage closet outside. I donated or otherwise disposed of almost all of my “stored” things to specifically give her as much storage room as possible in this new apartment, which she knew. I never made that a secret.

Then there was the issue that, because I was in the second bedroom with no extra space, my TV and gaming consoles were in the living room, which meant that, when I came home, I would settle in the living room for an hour or two before going to bed. In our agreements before moving in together, she had said this would be fine. She had a TV in her room, so it was no big deal for me to be in the living room when I came home after work or during the weekends. However, after a few months, this arrangement made her uncomfortable; she eventually told me that the apartment didn’t feel like it was hers at all because she didn’t feel comfortable being out in the public spaces. That was apparently my fault somehow, though I never could get her to explain how it was my fault or what I could do to fix it.

Whenever she had someone over and they were in the living room, she would have them scatter as soon as I walked in the door, and I would stop them and point out that I could go somewhere else or do something else instead of being on the TV, but my cousin always blew that off and acted like I was running them out on a rail. I never could get her to explain why she acted that way. Yes, I asked.

She had someone over almost all the time. If it wasn’t her former boyfriend/now BFF, then it was her current boyfriend, or one of her friend girls. There was almost always someone there if she wasn’t out and spending the night with them. If she was out and spending the weekend with them, she almost never would tell me, which broke a part of our agreements prior to moving in together. When asked about it, she’d just shrug say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot to tell you, but I meant to.”

She never cleaned up after her BFF, who would cook and leave a trail of crumbs and god only knows what on and in the oven. She never really cleaned up after herself, either. She’d cook sweets like cakes for her work people, and I’d come into the kitchen to find my hand sticking to the counter tops or confectionery sugar in all the nooks and crevices of the counter tops. Shit would get spilled out in the fridge that I know wouldn’t be mine because I rarely had food in the fridge, and she’d never clean it out. It’d just sit there until I couldn’t take it anymore. I think, in the two years we were living together, she cleaned the fridge out, maybe, twice, and she NEVER offered to help pay for the housekeeper.

I cleaned it out once while she watched, and I literally pulled a tin of cookies from the crisper drawer that were over 5 years old. She had moved them from her old place to the new, and they were that old.

She eventually got a new boyfriend, after going through a dating phase in which she, once again, found ‘the one’ only to have him ghost her. They’d only been talking/dating for three months when that happened, but the world came to an end there for a while.

The new boyfriend is a nice guy. He’s a former Christian cult member, but he’s better now. He is married and divorced with a teenage daughter who has a host of issues (as do we all), but the daughter doesn’t live with him even though he has custody. (It’s a long story, but I actually don’t judge him for this. I understand he’s trying to do what’s right for his daughter.) The man can’t keep a job. He had five in the half a year I’ve known him, and I know that because, two months after they started dating, he was kicked out of his place, thus making him homeless.

In the heat of a Texas July, my cousin decided she would help him find places he could sleep during the day IN HIS CAR so he could make it to his overnight job he had at the time. Let me repeat that in bullet points:

-          Middle of a Texas Summer

-          Homeless boyfriend

-          Help him find places to sleep in his black car

That’s care, isn’t it? I found out about it because I asked her what was wrong with him, and I just couldn’t let it go that she would rather help him sleep in his car and risk arrest for trespassing and/or heatstroke than talk to me (or anyone else for that matter) about finding a solution that would actually help him. It was wrong on so many levels that I had a break in good judgement and told her that, if he paid 200.00 for the month for rent (he wasn’t getting 40 hours for work, so I understood that 200.00 would be a lot but doable and allow him time to save up for move-in costs), he could stay with us until he found a place, but I expected him to find a place in two months’ time.

He never found a place.

He paid the 200.00 for two months, and then offered to pay 250.00 because he realized “it wasn’t right for [him] to be there and only pay 200.00.” To his credit, he did look for a place, but he could never find one he could afford on his own, especially with the upfront costs to move in, so there’s that. Luckily, he/they still had money for multiple concerts at AT&T (Cowboy) Stadium and a few road trips. Isn’t that lucky?

By then, it was September. I decided to let it go. Our lease was up in December, and then I’d be done. It was clear he wasn’t going anywhere. It was also clear that they weren’t doing the dishes. We had a dishwasher. It’s not hard to fill it, run it, and put your dishes up.

There were two of them and one of me, and I had been as vocal as I could be about them cleaning up their messes without lighting smoke signals, so I started hand washing the one or two dishes I made during the course of the day, which didn’t sit well with my cousin, either, especially when I stopped buying soap for the dishwasher.

In August, I found out from a mutual friend that my cousin and I were in a fight over the temperature in the apartment. I literally had no flippin’ clue. A couple of weeks before, my cousin, her boyfriend, and I had dinner together, and I mentioned that I noticed they’d been putting the air on auto, which turns off the fan. They told me that it kept the apartment cooler that way. I told them fine, and I asked them that, if they were going to do that, to please turn the fan on in my room because my cat’s litter box was in my room and, with no air circulation at all and regardless of how clean I keep the box, it would be stifling in my room without some air current. They said they could do that. They did it once, and then, a few weeks later I find out we’re apparently in a “fight” about it. Really?

A week later, I decided to bring it up because, F it all, being in an argument I didn’t even know about was actually pissing me off. I offered solutions to the temperature situation. They were all shot down, and I was told, “[He and I] will figure something out. It’s okay.” So, that issued was solved not at all, but it was yet something else that she didn’t like that I was doing.

By the end of September, my cousin decided to tell me that she “misread” the lease. She thought it was up on December 1, so they’d already found a new place and were moving in the last week of November, but, since she was in the wrong about it and that was on her, she would pay her share of the rent for December “if [I] still wanted [her] to.”

*slow blink*

Naturally, my answer was a strong affirmative on that one. She was going to pay her part of the rent.

I don’t think that sat well with her either.

In fact, there a lot of things that didn’t sit well with her, like the fact I didn’t always talk when she walked into a room, which I didn’t find out until over year into this crap, and not from her but from one of her gentlemen suitors who was on his way out to smoke on our patio and mentioned it as a throwaway line as he stepped outside. She didn’t like me camping out at home during the weekend and “never leaving the apartment,” but she never seemed to take into account that my nearly 3 hour round trip commute during the week meant I had no time for things like watching TV or playing videogames during the week. I guess, when you can drive home from work for lunch and a little siesta and get back on time, you forget other people have a harder time chilling at home during the work week.

Here’s the thing, I don’t think I’m actually allowed to be angry, irritated, or otherwise negative about any of this. She was in a car accident that hurt her back even more than it already was, so she had problems bending over and couldn’t carry much weight, which is why she didn’t do dishes or take the trash out. When her boyfriend moved in, he did take the trash out, but I was feeling no guilt over that because he was paying less than 1/3 of rent/bills. She has mental health issues circling around depression and anxiety, so I’m supposed to be patient with her when she’s having problems talking to me about things that bother her or when she didn’t bother to give me a heads up that a strange man/man in general was in the house and could come out of her bedroom at any point, like when I’m going/coming from the shower because my bathroom was not attached to my bedroom. (Yes, I have a robe. That’s not the point.) She is a self-identified introvert and empath, so I’m supposed to understand that she’d extremely sensitive and be cognizant of that fact so as not to hurt her feelings accidentally.

Right? I’m supposed to just roll with it, and, whenever I think something might be wrong, I should’ve asked her instead of her bringing it up even though it’s a thing bothering her. Right?

I F’ING DID. About once every three months I would ask her if I’d done something or said something that pissed her off, and she never once – NOT ONCE – took the chance to tell me any of the shit that was bothering her.

Not.

One.

Single.

Flippin’.

Time.

The final time I asked her what was going on with her was November about a week before she and her boyfriend moved out, and she said, “Well, nothing except I think you don’t like me anymore.”

I said, “Have I done anything to you to indicate that?”

Her: No

Me: Have I said anything to make you think that?

Her: No

Me: Do have an example that shows why you might feel that way?

Her: No, not really

Me: Have you spoken to me about it at all?

Her: No

Me: Well, if you don’t have anything, then I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t have anything to give you anymore.

Because that was a freakin’ setup. It was too little too late, and I was so tired and so frustrated by then that anything would have been a verbal beat down and extremely accusatory. It would NOT have been productive. If she had given me something, I would have happily addressed it and explained my thought process, but she didn’t. She brought it up and hoped I’d just get after it.

Nope. I only had a few weeks to go by then.

I sent her the final rent/bill cost and forgot that her boyfriend wasn’t paying the 250.00 he’d generously been giving for rent. When I asked her the morning of the day of her move about it, she had apparently built up this whole argument in her head about how her boyfriend had “agreed to be a tenant only until the end of November, and, since this rent was for December and he was no longer a tenant, he did not owe the money,” which made me want to roll my eyes so far back in my head I could see my brain.

I cut her off, told her that was fine so long as she paid me, and I left for work.

Since then, I haven’t said a word to her. I saw her and her boyfriend on Christmas Eve at our grandfather’s house. We said exactly nothing to each other. I gave her a book she mentioned she wanted and a hand blender like one I have that I thought she might like that’s great for sauces and soups. She gave no one anything, or maybe it was just me. Hard to know these days.

You know, in general, I try to do what’s right. I do. It may not be in a gentle way. I’m not a feelings person. I don’t do the empathy thing well. It’s just not my thing. I’ve spent my whole life with chronic pain and clinical depression with the added bonus of generalized anxiety. It’s great. It’s like slamming on the breaks and the gas at the same time while in the middle of a three car pileup. I learned a long time ago that you just have to keep going. You find solutions that work to allow you to keep doing what needs to be done despite whatever ails you. In spite of your physical or mental pain, there’s a point at which you have to go to work, you have to clean up after yourself, and you have do for yourself without expecting anyone to be grateful or excited that you are doing it.

That’s just adult life. It sucks sometimes, but life is hard. My physical and mental issues are not my crutch, and I think that, a lot of the time, they’re my cousin’s, and that frustrates me not because I’m trying to one up her on the ‘oh yeah, mine’s worse’ meter, but because it keeps her from progressing in life, and it keeps the rest of us around her in a constant state of ‘will this be the thing that sets her off?’

She just won’t talk about anything that bothers her and refuses to address problems, and I just can’t do it anymore.

On the tenth anniversary of the death of the woman who raised me, I wanted to go visit her grave, but my cousin’s fuck buddy posted about his new girlfriend on Facebook, and she had a mutual friend call me and ask me to come over to help manager my cousin because she was so distraught, so I did. Looking back, I don’t think I should have. She used to throw actual tantrums when we were children when things weren’t going her way because we were ‘mean to her,’ and I never understood that. She complains about no one understanding her or bothering to remember what is important to her even though she does that for other people because she’s a giver, but people do stuff for her all the time, and they don’t have to.

I don’t think I can be a good person to her anymore. If these past two years have taught me anything, it’s that I was a chump. I hate myself for that. I don’t ever want to feel as stressed out and frustrated about going home as I did these past two years. I am the most unhealthy I have ever been, and it’s because I allowed myself to be that way in order to stay out of the line of sight of my cousin lest I upset her.

It’s stupid. I was stupid. I was so very stupid, and I don’t think we will ever get back to where we were before this mess started. It’s a loss on both sides, and I could make it right by reaching out to her and apologizing for not being sympathetic, understanding, and helpful in her times of need, but the truth is it’s a two way street, and I was the only one reaching out.

It’s her turn.

As childish and selfish and self-centered as that sounds, and I know it’s egotistical, which is wrong, but it’s her turn to be the bigger person and reach out to me. If she really wants the relationship (as she said about a boy who she once wanted to date but didn’t want to ask him out because he should ask her out), she can talk to me.

It’s wrong… I hate myself for that, too, but I feel so much better having that behind me and being alone again.

….maybe I just shouldn’t be around people…

[katie-the-project-blog]

I want a change... Here are a few reasons why.

Helloooo beautiful wooooooorld! It’s gonna be a long post, so if you wanna learn about yours truly then strap in!

I sound much more chipper than I actually am. I just ate about a billion Heath bars that I was gonna use for a project at work tomorrow and I feel down on myself for it. I started the week so determined to lose the weight I’ve put on. But this week.... like every week.... I grew weak.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never be able to achieve self actualization if I continue working at my current job. Or any regular office job it seems. It used to be easier in my office when I first started two and a half years ago. That was before they started stocking snacks literally all the time. I can remember weighing about 15 lbs less than I do right now a couple months after I started there. Then my work started picking up and the snacks and sodas started pouring in and my desk moved right next to my manager. Now when I’m stressed there’s a bunch of sugar and carbs right there for the grabbing and I can’t just take a quick break and scroll through Pinterest if I feel like taking my eyes off work for a second without being scared my manager is going to ask me why I’m not working.

I feel unhealthy all the time. And the fact that every time I feel the least bit stressed I say “fuck it, I really don’t have much going for me in my life right now and I know there’s at least 4 meals being catered for us in the next week and I’m never gonna be able to lose a dress size by the holiday party and I’m stressed NOW and don’t have time to make myself feel better by doing literally anything else because I have an assignment due five minutes ago so the only way I can feel SOME type of pleasure and ease the pain of what’s going on is by eating some raisinets and Chex mix with a Diet Coke”. And that happens pretty much every single day.

If I’m ever going to be healthy I need to either work from home or get a new job. And since I’m pretty certain that working from home would be so lonely I’d spiral into another sort of depression, I’m thinking it really means I need to get a new job. One where I can be creative, and a little bit more in charge of my own work. I’m 25 and I’ve never not been at the bottom of the totem pole. They were talking about potentially promoting me after the holiday season was over, but I recently found out my team isn’t getting any new clients for a while (which means no new work that they’d need me promoted for, and no new money to pay my salary bump), and my biggest account is getting a new manager... which means they won’t need me to be promoted for that account. I’ve yet to hear about another coordinator taking this long to be promoted, and I still have no idea how long it will take.

Additionally, the lease on my apartment is up in March, and I already know I want to move somewhere that will allow dogs, so I know I want to move. It would be one thing for me to fix the fence behind my duplex and convince the owner if I got a really well behaved one, but my neighbor who’s been there for 8 years hates dogs. I don’t even wanna deal with that. So I need to know by February if I’m staying in this city or going somewhere else. And to be honest I really wanna go.

Part of why I want to experience a new city is because I’ve lived here pretty much my whole life, and it feels weird to be this old and still seeing your parents at least once a week, sometimes more. Additionally I used to have plenty of friends here, and then after college they almost all moved away and the ones left I don’t have much in common with. I want friends who like to play around and be girly and fun and are down for anything, and don’t care about judgement. Everyone I know here is so..... mature. To the point where it’s not really *fun* to hang out with them as much as it is just boring to not hang out with anyone. I want friends who have the same taste in in style and entertainment as I do so it’s not a big deal if I ask them if they want to see Taylor Swift or Ariana Grande in concert... and don’t make me feel like I’m some weird 12 year old trapped in a 25 year old’s body. I like pop, and I’ve never understood why that’s somehow synonymous with immaturity and everyone’s favorite thing to shit talk. Even to your face. It really sucks to feel like even your best friend doesn’t respect you because of something so trivial like your taste in music. And I’m sure that happens in most places too, but this city in particular is also really bad about promoting or hiring any musicians that aren’t southern rock or country. I’ve also noticed that not many people here really have hobbies or interests or passions... like... guys are into video games and football, and girls are into Netflix and their boyfriends. It’s astounding how many people I know who really have virtually no interests at all.

I just feel like the city I’ve been living in is a great place to live... but maybe not necessarily for me. I’d love to live in a bigger city. I’d love to make more money so I can afford to live there, too. Comfortably, and not in a cardboard box.

These are the same rantings as every other blogger you’ll come across, I’m sure. But if you’re going to know why I'm so passionate about this blog and why I feel I need to start something new like this in my life... these are a few reasons why. And all of this is not to say that I don’t appreciate what I have, I really do. I’m totally aware of the blessings that come with my job, my apartment, my city, my friends, acquaintances and family. They’re why I’ve stayed here so long. It’s really hard to leave something that’s so familiar and comfortable and makes your life so easy. But what I’m missing is active joy and growth. Every time I think about the question “Are you happy?” it’s hard for me to answer. Because it’s not like anything is bad in my life. Pretty much everything I have going on is good. So I can really only answer that I’m comfortable... but I’m not necessarily satisfied. I’m content with what I have, but I truly believe there’s got to be more to life that I can attain. I’ve experienced it before. And I’d really like to again.

We can get more into that later. For now, I’ve started a blog about the variance between who I feel I currently am and who I’d really like to be. It’s called Gold Vermeil Girl. I’ll explain in my next post. Thanks for reading, and I’ll post soon!

[awindowintothisworld]

May 4th, 2019 - Saturday

I’ve never been very good with introductions, but here we go. This is going to be the start of my personal blog, where I’ll be documenting my life as kind of like a digital journal. I do have a physical one that I keep, but I’ve been having a hard time hand-writing stuff down, so I figured a digital one will be better since I can type better than I can write. As far as names and places go, I will censor for just in case something were to happen with the privacy settings. I’ll write them down somewhere so that I can remember what names I gave everyone, since I have the memory of a sad goldfish. (I’ll go back and make double-check to make sure everything is secure. This blog is not for anyone but myself.)

So where to begin? Maybe a little bit more about myself or should I just go right into what’s been going on? I suppose for the sake of posterity, I’ll go ahead and give a little bit of background about myself. My name is Alissa Mead, born to Carl and Penny Mead. I was born on February 3rd, 1993 in Utah and grew up most of my life in Kaysville, a once very small suburban town in Utah that’s grown exponentially over the years I’ve lived there. It wasn’t until about two or three years ago that we started to experience heavy traffic on main street. Though there is a lot I tend to complain about my little hometown, I have to admit that it’s a pretty neat little place to live, mostly because the architecture still has that “old-timey” vibe. I’ll post a couple of really cool old black-and-white photos I found off of google. It’s weird to see how much it’s changed since 1913, what was dated on one of the photos I’ve found. I actually only just found out too that Kaysville was settled back in 1868. That’s cool.

Anyway, I come from a fairly large family. We have 8 in total, including me and my parents. I have three sisters and two brothers, the oldest being Amber, and the rest, in order being Ryan, Ashley, Me, Quetin, and Alaina. I grew up in a little home, about 1,000 square feet, just a couple blocks away from main street. It’s a little brick home with three bedrooms and one bathroom. It sounds crazy that we managed to cram 8 people into that little box, but we did it and I feel like we all turned out okay. Most of my siblings are moved out and have families, minus me and my little brother, Quetin. Amber has married a funny and large man by the name of Jason and have five kids, four of them being twins. You have Abby and Own, (twins,) Oliver, and then Ira and Elis, (who are also twins.) They’re all very social and very hilarious kids. They’re not afraid to speak their minds and ask you endless amounts of questions. They’re quite the handful, so I commend Amber and her husband for being able to handle them on the daily. I do love them though.

Ryan is married to a cute Latina girl names Candice. We don’t see them much, and as much as I hate to say it, I don’t mind that. Ryan has always left a foul taste in everyone’s mouth, since he doesn’t exactly have the best track record with anyone in my family. He’s managed to fuck everyone over in some way or another. From maxing out every credit card my mom had ever owned, to stealing Amber’s social security and ruining her credit score badly enough that it took her years to bounce back from it, and stealing nearly $2,000 from me because I stupidly let him have access to my bank account when I willing helped him out with buying a birthday present for his little girl, Maylee, who was born from another marriage before he and his first were divorced, due to Ryan’s bad habits and compulsive lying. However, that didn’t mean his first wife wasn’t just as scummy. Actually, no. Whitney wasn’t a bad person, her mother was. But that will perhaps be another tale for another day, since it’s a rather long one. Anyway, how Ryan managed to keep from being thrown into jail will always be a mystery to me, but because of all the shit he has pulled, everyone has been very careful as to what they say and bring to family events we know he is going to. It may be surprising to a lot of people, but we’ve never excommunicated him from our family. Why? Because he’s family, regardless of what he’s done. I still call him my brother, but that doesn’t mean I trust him. At all.

Ashley is married a man named Walter, who I would say is my favorite in-law just because I get along with him the best. He’s quiet, and comes off very grumpy and a bit stuck-up since he doesn’t talk to anyone much, but that’s just because he’s shy and is still a little uncomfortable around our family. Ashley and I had a conversation about this, and we think it might be because of the strict religious values my family holds. (That I do not anymore. I’ll explain this later.) Walter grew up in a very non-LDS home, so I guess he just feels a little out-of-place with us since we behave in a way that he’s not, I guess, familiar with? Even though he’s LDS himself. It’s kind of a weird and complicated situation to explain, but I can completely understand where he’s coming from. He and I bonded over video-games and other nerdy things, which is why I think we got along so well the first time we met. He’s even invited me to some of his works games nights, where they sit around and play video games. And no, before anyone assumes anything, (you fucking nasty,) nothing fishy is going on. He loves Ashley with all his heart, and treats her like a queen. I’m just the cool in-law he likes to hang with. Plus, Ashley has always been present whenever we’d meet up. She and Walter don’t have kids, even though Ashley really wants them. Maybe we’ll see some little Steeds running around here within a few years, but who knows.

Quentin is still living at home with my dad. He’s newly “returned” as an LDS missionary and I would consider to be my very best friend out of all of my siblings. He served a service mission here at home because of his Addison’s Disease (also known as primary adrenal insufficiency and hypocortisolism, is a long-term endocrine disorder in which the adrenal glands do not produce enough steroid hormones. Symptoms generally come on slowly and may include abdominal pain, weakness, and weight loss. According to Google.)  It’s also an auto-immune disorder that assaults the adrenal gland and, basically, renders your fight-or-flight reflex obsolete. We actually didn’t know he had this until just a few years ago, when he quite literally almost died because of it. It’s an extremely rare disease that his doctors were comically were so excited to diagnose, just because of how uncommon it was.

Quentin is an awkward nerdy kid who has an obsession with cars and Pokemon. He also has an ungodly talent for comedic timing. I don’t know how that kid does it, but he can make the most mundane sentence into pure comedy gold. I’m extremely jealous of it. As I said, he’s living at home with my sweet papa and working 9 to 5 job at the DI, or Deseret Industry.

Last of my siblings is Alaina, who is married to a complete sweetheart who is named Braden. They have a cute little daughter named Della who has been diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis. (Which is a respiratory disease.) Alaina is a very sweet and head-strong little lady whom I haven’t been able to get along with very well. We don’t exactly fight very often, and she has never done anything that would warrant any bad blood between us, we just don’t exactly get each other. She’s very much one way, and I’m just the exact opposite. Ashley and I have talked about this, and she feels the same way. Alaina is just very much her own person and has a very set way of how she does things, and we just can’t quite get on the same wave-length. I think Amber and Quentin have managed to get passed the barrier, but Ashley and I haven’t. Neither has Ryan.

As for me, I’m about as much of a bachelorette as they come. I’m currently living in my hometown with a roommate in her grandmother’s basement. It’s a strange situation, I know, but I’m totally for it since the rent is free and her grandma doesn’t bother us much. For the year we’ve lived there, I think I can only think of maybe one time that she did something that really upset me. (She walked in on me while I was bare-naked and trying to get ready to go out. In my bedroom. I wasn’t happy.) So I can’t complain too much!

I’ve been working for the same retirement facility for about four years now, who of them being a server when I first started out. My third and fourth being with the department I’m in now, which the official title is “night security,” but I’m more of a night time receptionist and housekeeper, so it isn’t as cool as it sounds. I quite honestly hate my job. The hours are long (12 hours each shift, and I usually work three in a row, 8 to 8,) I don’t get to see the sun much, and I get to miss out on a lot of day-time activities because I’m either too tired or I have to work that night. It’s also started to really effect my physical and mental health. I’ve noticed that my depression and anxiety has been getting worse, my body is constantly aching and in pain because I sleep too much, and I’ve started to hallucinate a little bit. It’s nothing too intense, I just see weird shapes and people out of the corner of my eye for a couple seconds and then they’re gone, but it happens pretty often. I’m hoping that something that I really want to do will come up and I can apply to that, but after working this job and knowing how miserable I am doing it, I really want to find a job that I’ll like. The problem is that I don’t really know where that would be, and if the pay will be the same. I’m currently making about $11.75 an hour where I am, and I don’t think I’d be willing to go any lower. I know for some places, that isn’t a lot, but here in Utah, we don’t have the new “standard minimum wage” which is like $12 or something . . . Personally, I think that’s outrageous because you’re not suppose to live off of minimum wage. The minimum wage is suppose to be a starting point for people who are just starting out in the work force, and work their way up to a higher pay grade, but America is America and they made a big stink about that quite a few years back. (I can’t remember exactly when, but I know that California has implemented it. What a little bitch.)

I’m mostly just living life, trying to experience new things, and making an effort to try and meet new people. Since I work nights and most of my friends are either married or are complete hermits, (like my dear roommate,) it’s been pretty hard for me to get out there and see people, as well as find someone to date. So, to combat that, I’ve sucked up my pride and lowered my standards to sign up for an online dating site called Tinder. I’ve gone on a couple of dates, and for the most part they have been pretty good. (Minus maybe the first one, because it ended up crashing and burning after the second date, but more on that later because it still upsets me when I think about it. Listen to your gut kids. You’ll thank yourself later.) I’ve been talking with a couple of people and I might go on a date with some of them, but it’s been hard because since I work nights, I’m really bad at responding to them in a more consistent way, which is a huge flaw I need to work on.

I’m sorry to cut this off in a really weird spot, but I’m just now checking the clock and I need to get to work. I’ll be sure to continue this again tomorrow! Until then, cheers!