#literally whats the point of therapy if im getting harassed and put in a bad mood all the damn time

[rachelcommitscrimes]

im gonna rant abt how much i hate the ghost eyes fandom (as a former fan) bc im just kinda mad rn

so uhh yeah major TW for s3lf h4rm, romanticizing mental illness, su1c1de, sadomasochism, infantilization, and rlly just anything related to that

(also sorry if this looks weird idk how to separate stuff on tumblr)

also DO NOT harass the creator or anyone mentioned here, you’re no better than them if you do that

——————————————————————————

ok so i read ghost eyes like 2 years ago but i stopped reading about the point where they were on that field trip. i still think it’s a nice comic and i’m sure the author is a cool person, also the art style is awesome. but the fandom is so fucking gross that i’m surprised more people haven’t talked about it. 

for some backstory on this, i used have REALLY bad depression and was cutting myself regularly (i’m much better now, i have medication, therapy, and i’m almost a year clean) i also stopped reading due to the comic severely damaging my mental health and i’m very glad i did. i was younger and immature and thought i could handle such content. this led to me becoming extremely obsessed with the comic to an unhealthy level, and getting severely attached to one of the characters (rudy) because i could relate to him at that time. i seriously thought that i WAS him sometimes.

i understand now that i should NOT have ignored the label and what i did was definitely wrong and if the creator is reading this i deeply apologize. i’m in a much better place now and i’m just glad that i was able to get the help i needed.

ok now to the angry part

if you don’t know what ghost eyes is, it’s a webcomic about a severely traumatized boy attending school for the first time and meeting a bunch of other severely traumatized kids. this comic has a crap ton of triggering/sensitive/disturbing topics (which is not a bad thing as long as you do it right) and like i said before, the creator has kindly put a warning before the comic starts stating that you SHOULD NOT romanticize/idolize/sexualize/kin any of the characters, do not read unless you can handle such topics, and so forth. now i know i should have definitely put the comic down before and not gotten obsessed over it, but i knew damn well enough that it was messed up to romanticize/sexualize any of the characters/things that happened in the book.

there are several scenes in which a character is self harming or harming someone else, and the comments will say shit like “nooo my poor bean” “awww baby don’t do that” or my personal favorite “protect the smol bean.” first of all, the characters are like 16-17, second of all, i cannot even tell you how fucked up it is that people see someone ruining their lives and putting themselves in danger and think it’s “cute” or “anxiety smol bean uwu” THERES LITERALLY A SCENE WHERE SOMEONE IS GETTING STABBED AND PPL ARE DRAWING THIS MF IN A MAID DRESS.

another reason i despise these fans is that they see an abusive relationship and start making ships/kinning them. as someone who has gone through pretty much everything rudy has gone through, i cant tell you how irritating it is to see people shipping him with his abuser or calling him a “cutie patootie masochist boi uwu” cause lemme tell you what-it doesnt feel good to have to put your health in danger and ruin your relationships with others just so you can get off somehow. ITS NOT FUN. the whole point of rudy’s character is to not romanticize someones fucked up mental health.

i could spend hours talking about this group of immature brats, but i’m tired and it’s a school night and i have a test tomorrow. i might add on if i feel like i need to but overall i really hope those immature fans grow up and realize their mistakes like i did, or get the help they need.

[thedreadvampy]

this is kind of a Hot Take (and rlly long) so don't feel pressured to post this

also no one cancel thedreadvampy over posting this ask if she does these are my beliefs and not necessarily hers kthx

I'm honestly really uncertain why people are so militant about aphobia on this site. like obviously aphobes are Not Nice People and it's good to be against their shitty beliefs. But I've been on this site for ~5 years and I have never, in my memory, seen an aphobe (with the few exception of like. literal nazis but their main label isn't aphobe). I have seen a lot of people who were then harassed/cancelled being called aphobes in addition to a lot of other things like (homophobic, racist, abusive, etc) but as far as I bothered to figure out, the label of aphobe came from one specific phrase they used or one post they reblogged (though I can't be bothered to Deep Research so I genuinely don't know on this one).

(I have seen casual acephobia in my own personal life. however, that is not Tumblr.)

I have seen scores of posts along the lines of "aphobes are bad" "aphobes dni" etc etc.

Maybe it's just who I follow, but it seems like there's a lot more anti-aphobe sentiment than aphobes. Which is good! It's the goal! However, I think it's possible that that anti-aphobe sentiment has not become "look how few aphobes there are! yay!" it's "there are hidden aphobes all around us and you have to interrogate everyone to know who to ostracize"

You're a fairly popular figure in the mechs/tma fandoms and the thing about Tumblr is that it hates popular figures. And more than that, you're visible, so a) people will see if you answer a bunch of questions about ace things, and b) you exist in everyone's brains more than little blogs.

to be clear. to be absolutely crystal 100% clear: I am not saying that people got together and went "let's interrogate all the popular blogs so we can pretend theyre acephobic and have fun bullying people," I'm saying it's possible that what was once a positive emotion, "we don't tolerate intolerant people" has possibly, in some people, morphed into a fear that intolerant people are hiding all around them. And frankly, that fear can be understandable (not right, not kind, but understandable), especially if they face hate irl and their only outlet for emotion is tumblr. shit, Tumblr is one of my emotional outlets.

I don't think it's bad to engage with these people in good faith, or to answer questions, but I think it's possible that some of them are coming from the "intolerant people are hiding all around us and must be ferreted out" kind of perspective instead of a "hey I wanna check that this person isn't an intolerant asshole before following/supporting them" or "I want to engage with a person who may be ignorant" (I'm not attempting to imply that you're ignorant). Im not saying "not answer their questions" this is just, like, my opinion. I'm not making a lot of actionable statements here.

that's my whole Hot Take, hopefully I made some kind of sense, I just honestly feel kind of mad on your behalf that you have to go thru an interrogation to be Not Tumblr Cancelled. If people were generally having a nuanced discussion then that would be fine but you've already stated several times that ace/aspec people are valid and deserve love and respect etc etc. which as an aspec person makes me feel that your blog is safe for me, and I don't feel the need to play 20 Questions Are You Sure You Aren't An Aphobe

I don't know how much of this I entirely agree with and I refuse to think

(not about this. just in general. today I refuse to think)

my main response to this is:

a) I think my confusion is I have less than 1500 followers I think I always assumed the You Are Now A Public Figure People Have Opinions On mark had to be higher than that but this appears to have been a totally incorrect assumption

b) I don't feel like. a threat of Cancellation except inasmuch as I don't want Kofi to eventually get any kind of kickback if I turn out to be or people understand me to be a shitty person. I didn't ask for a platform or do anything to deserve it, if I get distressed it's largely just that I don't want to be a shitty person! and I have a whole thing about. I don't ever feel secure in my ability to say I'm NOT being shitty so like if enough people start saying AH RUTH THEDREADVAMPY IS A GARBAGE PERSON I definitely do stay wondering if they're right even if I think my position is morally defensible. like I'm very easy to get into a spiral of I think that's highly defensible but maybe I'm just in denial/trying to cover my ass/self-justifying so I can avoid accountability/etc. like this is a thing and it's why I'm very uncomfortable with absolutism, a lot of my family in my experience have a phenomenal capacity for denial and for rewriting reality into something they Fully Believe despite all the evidence, and so I'm really conscious of the possibility that I'm doing that and I wouldn't. know about it. it's a really really powerful subconscious force and that's been like. a big fear point for me my whole life. that I could be being a cunt and be obviously being a cunt and be so deep in denial that it just doesn't register at all. this is like. the thing I fear most. So I DO want people to tell me if I'm being a dick because the only way I can 100% know I'm not just in denial is if I can trust people to call me in, but I really, really, really struggle with when people say I'm being a dick and I disagree, not because they're harassing me necessarily but just because it really sends me into a spiral of doubting my own ability to be sure about like, anything. at all. it's a whole unreality thing which is, uh, it's MINE to deal with, it's not something I would want to put on other people, but it very much does affect my responses and I didn't mean to write this but hey, no therapy last week and it shows.

oh also c) on reflection I don't agree that there's very little aphobia on Tumblr (although as I've said I'm not ace or aro so my opinion should hold little weight) but I do think that there's a lack of give and take, not just in aphobia stuff but also in general, in these kinds of conversations, like sometimes yeah people are actively hateful but I don't think there's any room for misunderstanding, poor phrasing, or questioning, and I understand that that's coming from a really genuine place of pain and devaluation of aro/ace experiences but I also think people jump straight to assuming active malice very fast, and often explicitly consider "actively not stating an opinion" to be an offence on the level of "actively staying a harmful opinion," which I think is unhelpful. like. we learn by listening, there are times in my life where I would have been lying at the time to agree unconditionally with something like "I think we should believe survivors" (I was a 2000s teen who hung out with 4channers) but I also was conscious of the harm that it would do to publicly debate from the perspective that No We Shouldn't Believe Survivors, so you know I waited and I listened and I thought about it and ultimately I came to a position I could say with my chest. but like. The online social more that you Have to have an opinion and I Have to hear it to prove that you have the Right opinion is. uncomfortable to me to say the least. I don't think it gives you much room to learn and improve, especially given that everything on the internet is permanent and often treated as if it forever reflects your current beliefs. like I have changed my opinions So Much since I was 16 and if someone went back through a tag on my blog to Prove My Bad Opinions they could paint pretty much any picture they wanted with 12 years of changing opinions.

anyway yeah like. no I don't fully agree with this ask but I appreciate the alternate perspective. I also did not mean to write another wall of text I'm just very much In A Brain Hole today and sometimes words Just Happen.

[la5t-res0rt]

i was just sent a post from the blog who must not be named it was a post reblogged from someone who ive added to my list of really bad people but one of the things that struck me was a tag i saw in the post

antis seek therapy

we do

we do seek therapy often to combat the trauma some of us have endured through being groomed and being abused we spend time on ourselves to heal we find ways to cope and enjoy life again after it feels like parts of ourselves have been ripped from us and broken and tainted and violated

we work to be comfortable again we work to feel like ourselves again we find things we love again we allow ourselves to enjoy media again

we are taught to stand up for our own levels of comfort and to take control of the space around us we are taught mechanisms to move forward and we are encouraged to help others and support others at least thats what my therapist of multiple decades told me

we all seek shelter in our own ways and many people seek it in media its literally what so many beetlebabes shippers claim to be doing like they’re quote reclaiming some lost childhood thing unquote and yeah i think youre going about it in a terrible way that continues the cycle of pedophila and is normalizing it but thats not even what this is about right now this is about the blatant disrespect and inability to open your eyes to someone elses experience and story

so many antis are so uncomfortable with the content created by beetlebabe shippers myself included since its so similar to the material used to character veil up abuse me character veil down

we try to curate our spaces for that we say beetlebabes dni dont reblog dont put yourself in this space im making for myself but then people come in and call it gatekeeping and try to illustrate how someone is a bad person for not wanting exposure so pedophilic content like its absolutely baffling to me that people can state such a clear and simple rule and then people will whine and moan about it as if its oppression newsflash its not fucking oppression you whining slime mold being asked to not interact on the ground of pedophilia isnt fucking oppression read a book go outside and learn something anyway

people are entitled to have control over the space in which they occupy people have the control to remove people from their spaces its like ok weird metaphor but this whole ordeal with wearing masks in public spaces yes you may have the right to refuse to wear a mask and you have the right technically to harass service industry workers but the businesses that employ these workers also have the full right to not allow you in and to even remove you from the property free speech also comes with consequences this is such a simple principle like talk shit get hit metaphorically is basically the same principle

coming into someones space after they specified that that your content is something that makes them uncomfortable makes you a major asshole and also makes me think youre dumb and maybe cant read

all of that is bad enough

but to continuously berate someone and belittle their very real trauma all in the sake of you wanting to ship and post pedophilia is simply abhorrent it is truly vile behavior to come back multiple times is truly a disdainful act in my eyes and im sure im not the first person to feel this way

if youre close to people in the field of psychiatric medicine you should know better than to belittle someones trauma and as a csa survivor yourself you should have the compassion to respect someones boundaries

have you discussed this behavior with this psychiatrist husband of yours not the pedophilic stuff but this blatant disrespect and dismissal of someone elses trauma and the growth theyve achieved thanks to their therapy and counseling have you addressed this narcissistic holier than thou approach you have to discussing such serious issues with people because thats something that should be addressed along with your acceptance and tolerance and even romanticization of pedophilia in media

this is harassment and gaslighting in action folks nether receipts I hope youre taking notes because you clearly dont know what either term means and the fact that youve gone out of your way to promote this abusive behavior is yet another reason why people dislike you i can’t tag you because youve finally taken the hint and blocked me so I see no point but you know who you are also people don’t hate you because youre a woman they hate you because youre a pedophile anyway this isnt about you

back to the person im actually addressing

trauma is not an experience that is easy to read and apply to every person you yourself sourced years of trying to deal with what you went through who are you to dictate how long someone can feel pain for what theyve gone through who are you exactly to say whether or not if has been too long of a time for someones trauma to effect them you of all people should know that this shit doesnt go away it lingers and it grips you forever it doesnt matter if you’ve been apart from it for ten days or ten years

in one sentence you belittled a person for still being effected by their trauma and then in the next stated that the battle is life long which is it which statement do you actually beleive because it seems to me you only seem to care about your own horrible self without taking this other person into account at all because their response to their trauma was to break the cycle and work to make his space safer for himself and i beleive that takes more courage and more strength to actively oppose what hurt you rather than let it become how you cope and it becomes something you reintroduce into the cycle by keeping the its all okay attitude alive

i do not usually do direct posts its not exactly my style but i am so disgusted by what i have seen and what has been shared with me that it would be a disservice to not alert as many people as i can about your behavior

for a closing statement i will quote you

quote i hope you find your way to it instead of wasting all of your time being afraid of pictures and words on a screen, and picking fights with people who harm nobody unquote

what the fuck so you think youre doing by coming back over and over to belittle trauma denounce treatment and all around be unpleasant and high and mighty thats fucking harming people you narcissistic fool

im sorry you were hurt that fucking sucks but that doesnt give your the right for one fucking second to come into someones space where it was specified that you were not allowed and proceed to harass them and belittle them like you have done

@soeur-tiame you should be ashamed of yourself

dont bother responding as ive shown before with that transmed guy i dont like to waste any more of my time on filth than i need to

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 2

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: 1- haha syke (sort of lol)! 2-thats why i asked this question, now you know!

yes, thats the only notes you need lol! oh and FEEDBACK PLEASE! :) please tell me how you think their coffee “date” will go?? would mean a lot!

Chapter 2 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

"Honey! I'm home!" I yelled as I walked inside, closing the door behind me and throwing my purse on the couch.

"Kitchen, babe!"

I followed the voice with a small smile and leaned against the door frame as I watched him bend down to take something off the oven. I crossed my arms and stared at him, trying to suppress a chuckle. With a quick head movement, he pushed a lock of his hair out of his face and raised his eyebrows at me with a smirk. I moved closer to him, taking a few steps slowly as he put the cookies he had just not burned for once in a plate.

"You know your son is way too young for cookies, right?"

His eyes became smaller as he looked at me and it made me laugh even more.

"I made them for you, silly!"

"Louis, come on." I pointed out with a frown. "I just spent two hours tasting wedding cakes and you think i'm in the mood for cookies?"

With a grimace, he grabbed two cookies and put one in front of me before sitting next to me at the table. I made the cookie turn around as I stared at it, feeling suddenly a bit nervous. I wasn't really sure I wanted to have this discussion but I told Louis everything. I was surely not going to keep that kind of information from him.

"Okay my queen, talk to me, what happened?"

He slid his arm on the table until his hand reached mine. I let go of the cookie and gripped his fingers tight. His hand was warm, as it always was, but it took me a few seconds to look up in his eyes. When I did, my heart skipped a beat. He was clearly concerned and worried and I just shrugged a shoulder before looking down again.

"I saw Niall."

Suddenly, the grip of his fingers became tighter and I held my breath. Louis and I had been through so much together during the past year and I was scared this would somehow change the dynamic we had. I knew he kept talking with Niall from time to time but it was far from being the way it used to be between them. I never asked Louis to choose between us, and I never even made allusions to it for the simple reason that they were friends before we were and I knew he still considered Niall like a brother. Who was I anyway to decide who Louis could and couldn't hang out with?

That being said, Louis and I had worked on ourselves individually a lot. We both went to therapy, tried to follow our dreams, found love and learned to accept ourselves as full human beings. We didn't need love to be complete and we didn't need our soulmates either. Of course, it didn't feel so easy when Niall was close but if I wanted to be honest, I thought it would hurt a lot more to see him again.

"He was with his girlfriend?"

"No." I replied with a shrug before adding a 'thank god' in my head.

"How did that make you feel?"

I took a few seconds to think and finally looked up, my eyes meeting his as a small smile spread across my lips.

"It's... Niall, you know? I'll always feel something when he's around. That's what you said, right? Soulmates and all that?" He nodded slowly and I shrugged a shoulder. "I mean, I will love him forever but... he broke me, and I don't want to let him break me again."

Louis' face change and he sent me a sincere smile before nodding quickly this time. He squeezed my fingers and tapped my thigh a few times a bit too roughly.

"Ow!"

"That's my queen!"

He got up and kissed the top of my head, making me roll my eyes but chuckle. He walked to the fridge and took a beer out before opening it and throwing the cap in the sink. I stared again at the cookie on the table and swallowed, playing over and over the encounter I had with Niall in my head. He looked good and happy and I couldn't help but think that he never regretted his decision to break up with me. Of course, it took him a few months to get a new girlfriend but when he did, something inside of me died. I remembered exactly when I found out he was dating someone and it was probably the biggest slap in the face I had ever had. I cried for a week, wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. All I could think about was how his love for me, if it ever existed, was clearly not strong enough but even worse, he didn't even try to keep my friendship.

"You're thinking about him, aren't you?"

I sighed and closed my eyes for a few seconds as I tried to get my heartbeats back to a normal pace. I couldn't hide anything to Louis, even if I wanted.

"Not so much him but what I meant for him."

Louis walked back next to me and crouched down, one of his knees on the floor and his hand on my thigh. He waited until our eyes met and he raised his eyebrows.

"We've been through that, remember?" Louis pointed out in a soft tone. "He was scared to be trapped and he let go of the most important person in his life. You were not the problem, Liv."

"He's with someone now." I just said, shaking me head, after letting out a long sigh. "And with her too I mean, he replaced me with her."

Louis nodded very slowly, pressing his lips together and making the left corner of my lips raise up.

"Yes, besides you, my friend Neil has very bad tastes in women."

It was not true at all but I appreciated the lie and I tilted my head to stare at Louis. I had moved back to my apartment after Niall broke up with me and Louis was the one who had picked my stuff at Niall's for me. We hung out together and he's the one who pushed me to write what I wanted to write. My father agreed to make a special section for my story on his site and within a few hours, there were more views than any other page of the site. I found someone to play the male character and I gave myself the role of the female one until I got the e-mail that literally changed my life.

Netflix. I barely believed it and I had to read the e-mail twice but it turned out to be real and after some negotiation, my tv show was about to be re-made with a bigger budget and real actors and this time, it was going to be seen by way more people. I didn't have to insist to keep playing in it, they quickly agreed to that term of the contract and it surprised me. Apparently, I was not so bad of an actress, who would have known? That's why I moved to L.A. with Louis : to live a dream I wasn't even aware I had before, when I was dating Niall. There are so many things I didn't know when I was with him, including who I was. Now, it was different.

"So." Louis continued, getting up to grab his beer again. "Did you girls go with Liam's request and pick chocolate?"

I raised my eyebrows in amusement and my lips parted a bit as we stared at each other.

"How do you know that?"

Louis' smile turned into a smirk. "He asked me and I said I wanted chocolate too! So I said he should harass Julie and he said I should harass you. So I had to challenge him, and he lost."

My face twisted and I frowned, suddenly a bit scared.

"What was the challenge?"

"Oh, darling, you don't want to know." his accent had turned thicker and his smirk bigger, making me shake my head. "Trust me."

"You're right, I don't want to know."

He laughed a bit and moved his chin in my direction as he leaned against the counter, his beer still in hand. He took the last sip and put it away before swallowing and licking his lips. I loved Louis. I really, really loved Louis.

"So? Chocolate?"

I grimaced and sent him an offended look as I shook my head again.

"It's like you don't even know me!"

"What did you pick then?"

I didn't have time to answer. My lips just parted a bit before we both heard the doorbell. I jumped on my feet and we both rushed to the living room to reach the front door.

"Me!" I yelled as I tried to be faster than him.

"Oh please, it's clearly for me!"

I laughed as he pushed my hips with his and even more when both our hands ended up on the knob, twisting it at the same time without opening the door. We laughed and when the door finally opened wide, my smile grew.

"So, who won this time?"

I forgot the game I had with Louis and barely even heard my boyfriend's question. I just tilted my head and bit my bottom lip. He looked pretty and the way he smiled always got to me. Louis let him walk in and he just opened his arms, bending down slightly to wrap them around my waist and pull me up. I laughed like a school girl and looked down at him, bringing my lips against his.

"Clearly, I won." I whispered only for him to hear, licking my lips before kissing him again.

He chuckled against my mouth and finally put me down but I kept him close and deepened the kiss. The fact that we were still acting like new lovers was nice and I hoped it would never stop.

After moving here, we were about to cast auditions for the other characters but I was mostly nervous about the male lead since I was going to do most scenes with him and even kiss him. I was allowed to have a say in who they would pick but before we could even start the auditions, I received a message on twitter. My account was not private anymore and was even verified, which was something I never thought would ever be possible. I was not the kind of person who liked attention but it was still important for me to remain on social medias, even if I wasn't online as much as other people.

Most of the messages I was tagged in were about Niall and I couldn't blame his fans who asked about me but it was surprising to see it even after so long. At first, the tweets about some of them being 'devastated' by our break-ups made me cry but now I just felt nostalgic of what I once had with him. One time, though, I got a notification that I was tagged in a post and when I clicked on it, I choked on my coffee. Dylan O'Brien. Dylan fucking O'Brien had tagged me and had added 'would love to play in your show!'

After a few days of chatting online, we had finally decided to talk on the phone and I realized he was the funniest and sweetest guy in the world. It's only really the very first time I met him that I realized I had it bad, though. He came to the audition but in my head, the part was already his, and when our eyes met, I felt it inside of me. It could have been just me being starstruck but when he had smiled at me, my heart had fluttered in a way it hadn't since... since Niall.

"You two get a fuckin' room." Louis let out, but I could hear amusement in his voice.

I turned to him and he sent me a smirk just as I showed him my middle finger.

"I live here too, remember?" I asked jokingly.

The plan when we moved here was to buy a house together, support each other and spend as much time as we could with each other. Did Louis and I ever had sex after that infamous night? Maybe, but quickly, we had both stopped needing it. Not because we weren't in pain anymore, but because we had other distractions and other things to focus on. I hadn't received my first check yet but it was coming and I knew it. I couldn't wait to give some of my money to Louis for the house but only as a rent. He was keeping the house to live in it with his girlfriend while I had planned to move with Dylan very soon. Everything was falling into place, and just as I thought my life was exactly the way it was supposed to be, I saw Niall again.

"Yea well you two lovebirds will have the house for yourself tonight." Louis explained, grabbing his wallet from the coffee table and looking for his keys. "I'll be gone all night."

"Say hello to Eleanor for me!"

Louis sent me a smirk and a wink before walking up to us and bending down to kiss my cheek.

"Will do." he promised in a low tone. "Goodnight queen."

A few months earlier, I had heard Louis cry himself to sleep at night. It was not something unusual, I knew it happened from time to time since his mother had passed away, but I remember leaning against the wall of his room for half an hour, listening to him cry and crying with him. If he had wanted me to be there with him, he would have asked, I knew it, that's why I didn't knock or tried to talk to him, but at the same time, it was hard to handle, and I couldn't pretend I knew him as much as Eleanor did. He was also crying for her, I was well aware of that, and on that night, I had messaged her. I didn't have to beg her to come over, she just did. She literally took a fucking plane to come here and comfort him. If that's not love then I have no idea what is.

"Goodnight, pet."

Louis raised his eyebrows and pointed his finger at me. "Don't call me that, ever, remember?"

I just shrugged and laughed, feeling Dylan's hand grab my fingers gently as he chuckled too. He suddenly turned to me and raised his eyebrows.

"Oh hey, you were trying out wedding cakes today, how did it go?"

"She didn't pick chocolate mate, don't even bother." Louis grimaced, making Dylan smile more.

"Of course she didn't, i'd say..." he turned to me and his eyes got smaller as he pondered. "She hesitated and almost picked raspberry but ended up choosing.. strawberry and cream."

My lips curled and I shook my head. "How do you know me so well?"

"O'Brien, I hate you." Louis just said, slapping gently my boyfriend's chest. "Thanks for making sound like a loser."

"You're welcome!" Dylan joked as I rolled my eyes at their interaction.

I waited as Louis typed something on his phone and he finally looked up at us and smiled before leaving. As soon as the door closed behind him, I received a text message and walked up to my purse to look at it.

'Tell him!!!!' Louis had typed with clearly too many exclamation points.

I just sent him a thumb up and when I went back, I felt my lips curl very slightly at the sight of the emoji Niall sent me. It was good seeing him, it felt amazing to be near him. It was so hard to realize that my best friend was not my best friend anymore, and although I knew that life is just like that sometimes, it still hurt. This year away from each other was needed, at least for me, to find myself, but I always thought Niall would remain in my life forever.

"So strawberries and cream uhm?" Dylan said to catch my attention. "I can live with that."

I threw my phone on the couch and sighed with a smile, turning his way. I grabbed the front of his shirt and finally looked up in his eyes, licking my lips as his hands reached my waist.

"Can you live with me?" I asked, raising my eyebrows and making him chuckle low.

"Damn right I can."

He pulled me closer and kissed me, making my heart skip a beat. I had never compared Dylan to Niall but at that exact moment, I couldn't help myself. They were both smart, kind and funny, the main difference being that Dylan hadn't shattered my heart in pieces, at least not yet. The way they kissed was different too. Niall kissed me passionately, impatiently and deeply. Dylan kissed me gently, like I was something fragile, something important he didn't want to break, or simply because he wanted to take his time and feel every second of it. He kissed me like every kiss actually meant way more than we both thought.

I felt him deepen the kiss and my heart jumped again. I couldn't do anything with him before telling him about my day, and all I could see behind my eyelids was Louis' text message.

"Mm, I have something to tell you." I whispered against his lip, making him pull away immediately.

He stared at me for a few seconds, his eyes roaming on my face, and I suddenly felt extremely nervous. He was never the jealous type but I don't think anyone could enjoy their lover meeting again with their ex, especially knowing Niall and I's history.

"What's wrong, babe?"

"Nothing's wrong, no, don't worry." It wasn't a lie. I sent him a small smile and shrugged. "I just wanted you to know that... I saw Niall, today."

His eyebrows raised slightly but fell back down half a second later. He stared down at me, mostly trying to decipher how i felt about it instead to react to it, and it made something in my heart stir. He was perfect and I loved him, I really did.

"Are you okay?" he finally asked  gently after about a minute of silence. "How did it go?"

"It went... well." I admitted, nodding slowly and glancing down before looking up in his eyes. "He asked if we could meet again for a coffee but I didn't message him yet. I'm just not sure if I should go."

Dylan's lips curled slightly just as his eyebrows raised. "Not because of me, yea?"

I shrugged both shoulders, feeling suddenly embarrassed. One of the reasons why I was not sure was him, but an other part of me, a part I didn't want to show, was simply scared. I was scared that things wouldn't be like they used to be, I was scared that we wouldn't really get along, I was scared that the old me would resurface and I was scared... I was scared of the feelings I could have again if I spent time with him.

"You can go see him, Liv." he let out softly, bringing one of his hands to my face to caress my cheek with his fingertips. "Not that you were waiting for my approval or that you need it but, I know there's so many things you want to tell him and ask him and... it's normal. I can't even begin to understand the relationship you two had, all I know is... it was intense. There's some part of you that will always love him and I'm fine with that. Just... go. And you'll see."

Slowly, my lips curled as I stared at him. I brought my hand to his hair and slipped my fingers in it before sighing. I felt suddenly lighter and I was not sure why. Perhaps knowing that my boyfriend was fine with it helped.

I mouthed a 'thank you' and he smiled more, shaking his head.

"There's no reason to thank me." he just said, pulling me closer and kissing my lips. "I love you, Olivia."

I wrapped my arms around him and closed my eyes, inhaling him before squeezing him tighter against me. It felt good and I felt safe but I finally pulled away and smiled.

"Okay so food and a movie?" he proposed, raising his eyebrows before I grimaced.

"Oh I wish, I mean food, but i'm gonna have to eat in front of my computer." I explained with a sigh, letting my head fall lightly on my shoulders. "I need to write and my mind is lazy these days."

"Why don't you inspire yourself of what we're going through right now?"

I stared at him and raised my eyebrows at the idea before Dylan just chuckled and winked at me. I knew that to write something good, it had to be close to something I was living, but playing it on screen was about to be a challenge if I did that.

"I'll make food you just... work."

I thanked him and grabbed my phone before sitting in front of my computer. I started typing a few ideas here and there but the truth was, I couldn't stop thinking about Niall. Dylan was right, there were many things I wanted to tell him, many things I wanted to ask. but at the same time, I was well aware that I wouldn't be able to let it out all at the same time. I also knew we had to be in a public place, if only to be sure I wouldn't end up yelling or in tears.

'Coffee tomorrow afternoon, are you free? 🤪’

I didn't want to let Niall make me emotional the way I used to be when we were dating, or even before. He always had so much power over me and I didn't want him to anymore. I didn't want anyone to have to much power over me.

'Always free for you 🥰’

The emoji he picked made my lips curl and I quickly texted him a time and place before putting my phone away. I stared at my work on the screen and sighed to myself. I didn't really want to add Niall to my story, I was too scared of how realistic it would become, since my real boyfriend was already playing my on-screen boyfriend, and I decided to push this idea away.

Dylan came back with a plate of pastas and it made me wonder how long I had spent in front of an almost empty document. He sat to face me and my eyes moved up to him.

"I'm stuck."

"Did you message Niall? Are you gonna see him soon?"

I felt my heart skip a beat at his question but he kept staring at me as he brought the fork to his mouth. The fact that it was super casual for him made me squirm a bit on my seat. Was that a good or a bad thing?

"Yea, tomorrow afternoon."

"Good." he nodded, pushing the plate my way. I sent him a smile and started eating too. "Maybe it'll inspire you."

His eyebrows raised and he chuckled when some sauce landed on my shirt and I quickly tried to wipe it off, making him laugh even more.

"Guess you're gonna have to take it off." he just pointed out.

I looked up at him only to see a smirk gracing his face and I chuckled too, tilting my head. I pushed my plate away and leaned closer to him, sending him an amused smile and keeping my voice low.

"Maybe you should take it off yourself."

[rustybutterknife]

Beetlejuice trying to trust the Maitlands and Deetzs after the wedding fiasco headcanons? idk im always a sucker for angst and BJ acting with human emotions :)

OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!! I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED FOR ANGST!!

After he leaves the household, he doesn’t come back until about 8 months after the events of the musical take place.

It was purely by accident. Lydia accidentally summoned him while she was stargazing with the family. (family? Families? I consider the Deetz’s and Maitlands one big ol family.)

They’re all on the roof with a telescope, taking turns looking through it.

Adam has a book of all the stars for reference. Lydia keeps pointing at stars and asking all their names, because she’s genuinely interested.

“And what’s the name of that star?” “Uh… that’s… uh…” he takes a moment to flip through the pages “...Betelgeuse.”

“Betelgeuse!?”

“Betelgeuse!!?”

Before anyone can process what’s happening, there’s a puff of green smoke and bam. He’s there.

They’re all talking over each other, trying to figure out how to get rid of him.

It goes on for a couple of minutes before a loud “EXCUSE ME, HI, HELLO!!” Cuts through them.

They look over at bj, whose hair is a mix of purple and red.

“If you guys wanted me gone so bad, why did you summon me!” “Well, it was an accident!”

His hair turns a bit more purple.

“Well, of-fucking-course it was an accident! Of course you didn’t want to bring back the very person who could fuck up your happily ever after, did you!!?” “B-“ “Of course nobody could ever love me! I was so stupid to think you guys could want me back, aren’t I!!” “Beet-“

“I’m a screw up, just like my mother always said!” He’s shaking, tears rolling down his cheeks.

Everyone goes silent.

Adam tries to comfort him by putting a hand on his shoulder, but he smacks it away.

“I know what you’re trying to do. Trying to butter me up so it’s easier to make me leave. Well, it ain’t gonna work this time.” “No, I’m not-“ “then what were you doing? Huh? Why do you wanna help someone who harassed you? Who pinched and poked you? I’m sick of this shit.”

Barbra tries next. “Lawrence…”

“Don’t try that shit with me either. Why would you wanna help some ‘needy pervert,’ huh? Go ahead, distract me. Get Lydia to stab me again. Do it. Better make it hurt, make it count!” He’s sobbing at this point, gripping at his hair in anger. Some strands have been pulled out, tangled around his fingers.

He feels a hand on his shoulder. Not Barbra or Adam, not Lydia. So who…?

“Hey. Take a deep breath.”

He does as he’s told, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. His breathing is shaky, but he calms down after a good few minutes as everyone stares in silence.

After everyone heads inside, Delia stays on the roof to talk with BJ.

“So… why did you help me? After everything I did?” “Because even though you’re technically a monster-“ “thanks.” “I mean a literal demon. Just because you’re a monster, doesn’t mean you’re a monster.” “Delia, you gotta explain that, I can’t read subtext.” “Basically, yeah. You did some bad things. But that doesn’t mean you can’t change.” “I… thank you Delia. That means a lot to me.”

He tries to kiss her, but she pushes him away.

“Sorry, thought it was one of those moments.” “I’m married.” “Oh yeah, to Chuckles.” “Charles.” “Isn't that what I said?”

He won’t be in the same room as the Maitlands or Lydia unless Delia is there with him. And even then, he’s still wary to talk to them.

Every conversation is like therapy, which is basically a fancy way of everyone yelling and crying, but eventually getting through to each other thanks to Delia. Thank god she was a psychology major.

It takes a few months. But eventually, Beetlejuice is alright with talking to the Maitlands and Lydia without Delia.

It’s still a bit awkward tho. He doesn’t fully trust them, and refuses to take his eyes off of them.

They feel bad that he can’t face his back towards them, or that he flinches at sudden movement.

He’s especially wary if they’re holding anything remotely weapon like.

Surprisingly, he doesn’t talk too much to them. They’re usually the ones who have to lead the conversations. They almost gotta force it outta him.

After almost a year, he’s able to fully trust them. He’s able to joke around with them, and he helps out around the house with projects. He helps Lydia with school stuff, but only if he can be on the other side of the room when certain items are used. (Scissors, X-acto knives, lighters, hammers, etc.)

They eventually do apologize to eachother, and it’s pretty Gucci from then on. Not smooth sailing, but decent.

Sorry it’s kinda short! But thank you for the request!

[fuckyeahasexual]

A complete guide to how the asexual community is NOT lying about the pathologization of asexuality and how many aces(even young ones)have had their asexuality tried to be“fixed” and “converted back to normalcy”

Trigger warning : Conversion therapy,abuse

As if the so called ace “”discourse””( which has till now involved aphobes and exclusionists comparing ace people to nazis,pedophiles,white supremacists,slave owners,homophobes,  ,talking over ace WOC by white people, telling ace people AND kids to kill themselves,victim blamig and gaslighting ace victims of rape, putting extremely graphic sexual content into asexual tags and sending sexual content to ace minors and adults who are are suffering from sexual trauma even after they told them to STOP ) could not get any worse, we now have these pathetic excuses of human beings accusing ace people of lying about their trauma and abuse just so that they can justify their harassing of ace people.

Im TIRED of seeing these “”highly intellectual people”” keeps repeating bullshit arguments so im gonna make this post addled with appropriate resources and links to handle these two topics:

How asexuality is pathologized

Can the abuse and trauma ace people go through when people try to “convert ace people back to normalcy” and “fix” their asexuality really be called “conversion therapy”?

This is gonna be long,but i hope you will stick with me though this because im going to try as much as possible to make this as source-fuilled and educational for yall. So here we go:

1. Has asexuality really been pathologized?

Short answer,Yes.  Many mental health professionals had consideredasexuality an illness throughout history.There are many articles talking about it.Up till 2013, indicators of asexuality like lack of sexual attraction,sexual fantasies towards other people, lack of interest in sex etc were basically classified as Hypoactive sexual desire disorder in the DSM which was revised just to include that all those indicators WOULD be considered as a “symptom” of HSDD unless a person self identified as “asexual” which wasnt much useful since not everyone(especially young people) might know that they are ace and can be pressured by their peers into going through the “treatment” for HSDD .They did the same thing before they removed homosexuality from the DSM.

Heres the long answer :

Throughout history , asexuality has brought out bigots to talk about how “unnatural” it is and how it obviously is a “mental illness/disorder” bc experiencing sexual attraction is always considered an inherent experience to almost all living beings.There are many medical and psychological articles either directly referring to asexuality as a disorder or referring its main indicators like “lack of sexual attraction,sexual feelings towards other people”etc as a mental disorder.

But the most well known instance of pathologization of asexuality is the  HSDD (Hypoactive sexual desire disorder).It has been in both The International Classification of Diseases and  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders both which are used by mental health professionals and psychologists to diagnose people.

There was a huge pushback against HSDD by asexual activists bc it categorized all indicators of asexuality like lack of sexual attraction,sexual fantasies towards other people and lack of sexual desire etc as a disorder.As a result,  asexuality was officially given an exception in the DSM-V by stating that if a person experiencing all the symptoms of HSDD self ID’d as asexual then they wont be diagnosed with it.This seemed a good enough thing to do and acephobes keep bringing it up to show how “different HSDD is from asexuality” and how “The medical world has “”accommodated”” itself for the comfort of ace people” but this act and the whole concept of a “Hypoactive sexual desire disorder” are considered problematic and have been put through questions not only by ace people, but feminists and activists too . Heres why :

1. The person STILL has to identify as asexual to be not diagnosed.Asexuality still isnt as visible and well known of an orientation so  if a person doesn’t know that they’re asexual, the DSM does no work to sufficiently differentiate between these “sexual disorders” and a sexual identity. so it could very well happen that someone who doesn’t know that they’re asexual is convinced by a therapist that they have a sexual abnormality that needs to be corrected(x)  .Taking into consideration the fact that a lack of sexual attraction is still seen as a sign of “brokenness” etc , the aphobia ace people face from their peers,how sex is seen an inherent part of one’s relationship and the immense number of ace people who experience internalized aphobia, theres a higher chance of ace people being pressurized into lying about not being ace and being made to go through treatment of HSDD .

2. The asexuality exception is not included in the diagnostic criteria, but a different part of the text. The desk reference version, which is the smaller version most psychiatrists will use because the actual DSM is a monster of a book, only contains the diagnostic criteria. So, unless a doctor is very familiar with the update DSM, you could still be diagnosed despite identifying as asexual. (X)

3.The DSM is put out by the APA, an American organization and is not used internationally in ALL countries.The international appx. equivalent to the DSM is the ICD (International Classification of Diseases) where an exception of asexuality is NOT made like they did in DSM-V. So many countries where DSM-V is not followed are free to diagnose ace people with almost no repercussions.

4.There is till NO distinction made between HSDD and asexuality and all indicators of asexuality are still considered “symptoms” of HSDD. the DSM does no work to sufficiently differentiate between these “sexual disorders” and a sexual identity. so it could very well happen that someone who doesn’t know that they’re asexual is convinced by a therapist that they have a sexual abnormality that needs to be corrected(x) Just putting “All these signs are of HSDD unless a person identifies as asexual” is literally the same as saying “Being attracted to the same gender and/or being attracted to more than two genders is a disorder unless a person identifies as gay/bi”.In fact a very very similar thing was done to homosexuality in the DSM before homosexuality was deleted off entirely as a disorder.

5.Im not even gonna get into the fact that alot of people have pointed out how  the big push to keep HSDD in the DSM came from the pharmaceutical companies who need this diagnosis to exist so thatthey can market a drug called Flibanserin and both of these thingshave been called out by both ace as well as non ace feminists bc studies showed it improved very little in terms of sexual satisfaction in its participants and has potentially big risks(x) and  MANY women disinterested in sex(weather ace or not) were pressurized to undergo treatment of HSDD and use flibanserin bc of the misogynist belief that women need to put out more than care about their safety white taking it bc thats not the point of this post.

But just for yalls consideration : Just bc there is a disorder in the DSM doesnt mean that its legit.Female hysteria,homosexuality were considered disorders.As an amazing post here said : “until psychology stops operating in terms of “inappropriate behavior” and starts looking at patients’ experiences of symptoms as stressful and unpleasant, it will be an enforcement of ableism first and an aid to the mentally ill last.”  . Unless someone goes through some trauma which make them LOSE their capability to feel sexual attraction and desire,i’ll consider any “disorder” which automatically assumes lack of sexual attraction and desire “unnatural”, as doubtful .

So  yeah , asexuality still technically remains pathologized and ace people still are at a risk of being diagnosed and being forced/pressurized to undergo treatments which arent usually even that effective and have health risks associated with them.On to the next topic :

2.Can ace people call the trauma and abuse they went through  when people tried to “convert ace people back to normalcy” and “fix” their asexuality  “conversion therapy”?

First off, Read THIS And THIS. Now,

Short answer,Yes. Maybe they might not be under the threat of going through the EXACT conversion therapy which involves basically torture and is legal in like 36/41 states IN AMERICA but then again, so arent those gay people who didnt/dont/wont be living/going to those 36/41 states IN AMERICA but have/are/will be  tried to be “converted back to” straightness by their peers.Any way in which non straight people are forced/pressurized to be converted into straight by so called “professionals” and “medical experts” counts as conversion therapy to me bc at the end of the day it doesnt really matter WHAT word you define it as when those trying to “fix” non straight people’s non straightness view those non straight people as someone who needs “fixing”.

Also, saying that ace people’s experience when their peers were trying to “fix” their asexuality isnt AS bad as what gay people go through when their gayness is tried to be “fixed” is…not a good thing to say.Trauma isnt a competition.Telling a person with a sprained leg that another person has a  fractured leg doesnt make the first person’s sprained leg hurt any less

Heres the long answer :

Here is the thing.The most “well known”  conversion therapy(and in aphobes’ case,the conversion therapy they keep bringing up to discourage ace people from calling their trauma involving attempts to fix them “conversion therapy” ) is the one which is legal in 36 or 41(The data keeps differing from diff sources) states in AMERICA ONLY and basically involves showing homoerotic images and videos to gay/bi people and inflicting some sort of violence/harm on them when them and/or their mind and/or their body shows any sort of interest on such images till they form an aversion to same gender attraction and other forms of torture.I described it as PG rated as possible but if anyone is interested and is NOT at the risk of being triggered they can read the whole process here(x).

Aphobes keep arguing that since no clinic advertises that they will “convert ace people back to normalcy” ,and even IF some ace person IS forced to undergo treatment of HSDD ,their experience doesnt matches the EXACT amount of abuse and trauma gay people go through during conversion therapy, aces arent “allowed” to call their experiences “conversion therapy”.Now , anyone with common sense and general morality will realize how bullshit this is bc aphobes are just putting their american centric rhetorics over ALL aces in THIS WORLD(bc they are ALWAYS considering the american conversion therapy)but i’ll still just prove how WRONG this argument is :

1.This argument is only AMERICA CENTRIC.Aphobes keep saying that since ace people dont go through the exact conversion therapy which is legal in 36/41 states in america,they cant call it “conversion therapy”.Now america is only one country.There are 193 countries in this world.The “valid”Conversion therapy is only there in america.But HOMOPHOBIA is there in ALL countries of this world.Now, If we consider aphobes’ argument as legit, then it would imply that any gay person who suffered through the trauma and abuse of having their identity turned into “straight” by their peers in any country OTHER THAN AMERICA CANNOT call their experiences “Conversion therapy”.That means all the gay people who faced torture in russia (especially in Chechnya)to be “fixed” cannot call their experiences “conversion therapy”.Gay people in Brazil and Jamaica who are tried to be “fixed” cannot call their experiences conversion therapy.I live in south asia,we dont even HAVE any special places dedicated to “convert” gay people.But there are many instances where gay people are hauled to the nearest “religious medical practitioners” who abuse and torture them for WEEKS to “cure” them.I guess those gay people cant even call their experiences “conversion therapy”.THIS IS HOW RIDICULOUS APHOBES SOUND.

2.Not every ace conversion therapy is caused by going through the treatment of HSDD : There are many ace people who have been told that it was their asexuality ITSELF that was a disorder and went through abusive therapies to “cure” it which led to some people ending up self-isolating until they ended up in a psych hospital and some people felt broken and alone after that(x).Many health professionals simply pass off asexuality as some  symptomatic of deeper mental health problem and thus not every ace who might have been tried to be “converted back to normalcy” might have been gone through quite a rough treatment too.

3.Telling people that their trauma isnt “”really that bad”” isnt a good thing.Telling them that their trauma  dosent really “”qualify”” enough to be considered “”real”” conversion therapy isnt good.Oppression and traumas arent a competition.The abuse and torture gay people go through during conversion therapy isnt gonna make the trauma ace people go through “better” or less severe.Telling women that “at least they arent being human trafficked and beaten by their husbands everyday like in middle east” isnt gonna make them feel better when they are catcalled or sexually harassed at work.If ace people are tried to be “”fixed”” by being forced/pressurized undergo “” treatments”” by so called “professionals” and “medical experts” , it counts as conversion therapy to me bc at the end of the day, ace people’s orientation is still being seen as “something to be fixed into straightness”.

So yeah, ace people CAN call all the abuse they go through to be “fixed” of their asexuality “conversion therapy”.Now that we are done, here are a few examples of ace people talking about their fears and/or experiences about conversion therapy which i havent provided already

If you really want to respect lgbtqa people who have gone through conversion therapy,try to make this world a better place for lgbtqa people so that their identity isnt seen as something to be fixed.Telling group of people you are bigoted against that they cant call their experiences of tried to be fixed “conversion therapy” isnt gonna do SHIT to help the community you think you are trying to protect.Saying that No ace person has EVER went to conversion therapy bc there are “valid proofs” is disgusting.

Asexuality IS a highly marginalized orientation and all your refutes against it WILL be debunked and shot down bc we have sources and real people’s accounts on our sides which is supported by many prominent lgbtqa organizations across the world.All aphobes have is bigotry and a bunch of followers who eat up whatever they say without applying any critical thinking skills to it.

[shikai-the-storyteller]

*HEAVY BREATHING* CYBERVERSE S2 EPISODE 11  AND 12  WATCH

I GOT SPOILED BY THE THUMBNAIL, I THINK MY BOY SKYFIRE IS FINALLY GOING TO SHOW UP!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“This Seeker Seeker” Wheeljack you DORK

Teletron X: We are under attack! :D

IM LOSING IT, OPTIMUS SAID “STARSCREAM” IN THE SAME ANNOYED / HARASSED TONE THAT MEGATRON ALWAYS USES WHEN HE SAYS “STARSCREAM”, THAT”S KILLING ME

LMAO MEGATRON LITERALLY YELLS “STARSCREAM” IN THE NEXT SCENE, MAN I LOVE THIS SHOW

JETFIRE!!!!!!

HES FRICKIN BRITISH

I MEAN HE’S NOT BRITISH-BRITISH, BUT HE”S LIKE A KNIGHT DORK

THE JETFIRE AND SIRFETCH’D REVEAL HAPPENED IN THE SAME WEEK...AND THEY’RE BOTH DORKY KNIGHTS... *illuminati symbols while X-files theme plays*

 SKYBITE?!?

IM GLAD THE INTRO IS PLAYING RN SO I HAVE A MINUTE TO COMPOSE MYSELF

DORKY KNIGHT JETFIRE...I DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SWEET NERDY SCIENTIST BOY

Hot Rod: Oh no, not him! I thought he died in that supernova! I love how casually Hot Rod says “aw man, not this dude, he’s so annoying :( I really thought he was dead :((((” lmao

OH OK SKYBITE IS A FRICKIN SHARKTICON, THAT’S WHY I KNEW HIS NAME

Gosh I really hope Starscream and Jetfire were old friends in the Cyberverse universe now because I want to know how the hell Starscream put up with him Talking Like That

lmao I love Grimlock’s commentary 

Jetfire: Who landed this thing? Hot Rod? Me: *nearly squirts water out of my nose because that unexpectedly made me laugh* ALSO HEARING OPTIMUS LAUGH AT THAT WAS SWEET....I DON’T THINK I’VE HEARD HIM LAUGH BEFORE....:’)

lmao I love that Jetfire reuniting with the Autobots was so casual meanwhile Skybite frickin plowed into Megatron and Megatron’s just like “YO Skybite!!!”

IT’S SO CUTE HEARING MEGATRON LAUGH NON-MALICIOUSLY TOO, THANK YOU CYBERVERSE

SWEET GENTLE-LOOKING BOY......

I love how when I first saw an image of Jetfire I was like “SWEET BOY??? SWEET BOY??? NICE KIND BOY???” but the second he opened his mouth I was like “NO”

Not that I’m saying I don’t like Jetfire, it’s just that I got frickin whiplash from the expectation vs. reality thing, lmao. He’s still a dork, just not the kind of dork I was expecting. Not really my thing, but I’m interested in seeing how they take his character regardless. Who knows! I’ll keep an open mind, even if this character trope isn’t one I’m typically interested in.

OH SHOOT HE JUST BIT JETFIRE’S WING, BRO U GOOD?????

THUNDERCRACKER!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Jetfire, my old friend” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I KNOW THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NO WAY THIS WILL GO HOW I EXPECT IT TO GO BUT THAT STILL GOT ME FEELIN SO TENDER

Jetfire: Our friendship ended long ago, Starscream Starscream, slowly retracting his hand and turning his back: No matter Me, bawling my eyes out: HE WENT DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND OFFERED YOU HIS HAND JETFIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE HE’D DO THAT FOR!!!!!!!!!

JETFIRE YOU’RE SUCH A MORON

Starscream: My old friend! Jetfire: I don’t want to play with you! Starscream: No wait look, I’ve got a cool toy that’ll help you beat up your new boyfri---I mean, enemy Jetfire: OH????

Starscream what are you playing at. I mean obviously it’s nothing good but

OH SHOOT THEY TOOK OUT EACH OTHER’S TEAM LEADERS

Megatron goes from surprised to concerned in .2 seconds and BOY DOES THAT SURE KILL ME

AND THE WAY HE SAYS “OPTIMUS”, WAILS!!!!!!

Also I can’t believe they can casually call each other up like this, like it’s no big deal. Idiot ex boyfriends who never got around to deleting each other’s numbers, smh

OH MY GOSH IS THAT THE ARENA!!!!!!!!!!!! OK I KNOW THAT’S NOT KAON’S ARENA BUT AHHHHHH

Man the Allspark upgrade is a great narrative way for Cyberverse to get around Hasbro’s “Hey we need a new dorky armor design for this character so we can make new toys of them” requests

OH NO MEGATRON AND OPTIMUS

oh pfft they’re fine, it’s Jetfire and Skybite who fell

OH NO JETFIRE

lmao get rekt Skybite

OPTIMUS NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man for half a second I seriously thought Megatron was going to reach out and grab him, that would’ve been awesome

LMAO JETFIRE DOESN’T EVEN TURN AROUND TO CHECK TO SEE IF OPTIMUS IS OK, THANKS A LOT JETFIRE

JETFIRE GO HELP OPTIMUS YOU BIG LOSER

OK THANK GOODNESS JEEZ, IT’S ABOUT TIME SOMEONE HELPS THIS OLD MAN UP

ok but for real Starscream, did you power these two dudes up just so they’d kill each other or did you have some other motivation

OH SHOOT EPISODE 12 IS UP TOO??? ALRIGHT HERE WE GO: EPISODE 12

Starscream’s up to no good, as usual

Starscream: *obviously doing something shady, up to no good, grinning that grin of his* Me, fondly: That’s my boy

I love that Acid Storm is the tech person of the group, that’s so fun

also this episode title ‘’I Am The Allspark’’ has me so worried

OHHHH STARSCREAM BUDDY THAT DOESN’T SEEM SMART but dang if that doesn’t look cool

Starscream: Now I have the power to return everyone to the Allspark! Beginning with YOU! Seekers: *act genuinely surprised as though Starscream hasn’t been talking about killing everyone since day one* LIKE, DO YOU GUYS ACTUALLY ONLY SHARE ONE BRAINCELL, HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY BE A SURPRISE TO YOU

I’m still betting on Slipstream popping up and screwing up his plan since she’s part of the Allspark now too

Aw Jetfire’s part of the team now

BUT WHERE IS ARCEE

MEGATRON!!!!!!!!

“Optimus Prime...always one step ahead. Makes it easier to shoot you in the back!” Gosh I love Megatron, what a dork

YEAH GUYS YOU SERIOUSLY HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS, PLEASE FOCUS

THAT’S SUCH A GOOD LOOK!!!!!

*goes absolutely nuts every time Megatron and Optimus work together / do anything in synch*

KICK HIS BUTT WINDBLADE oh shoot JETFIRE WENT UP THERE TOO LMAO

I’d love to see Jetfire and Windblade become friends just so they can complain about Starscream together

Case in point

Oh shoot this ain’t looking good gang

 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS THE MEGATRON AND STARSCREAM INTERACTION I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL SEADSON

That legitimately scared me for half a second HE ZOOMED UP IN HIS FACE SO FAST, I LOVE IT

GOSH I love the expressions in Cyberverse, Starscream went from “blind fury” to “oh you poor pathetic mortal” in 2 seconds and it’s delicious.

“You’re welcome” OH SNAP

I LEGITIMATELY KEEP HAVING TO PAUSE AND REMIND MYSELF TO BREATHE, AHHHHHHHHHHHH THEY’RE BOTH SO AWFUL, THIS IS SUCH GREAT DIALOGUE

“Why should I? You’re Starscream. You always have failed, and you always will” HOLY HECK THAT’S BELOW THE BELT MEGATRON!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile Shadow Striker’s in the background like “BRO STFU, YOU’RE DUMB MOUTH IS GOING TO GET US ALL KILLED”

COME ON CHEETOR, KEEP IT TOGETHER

Man Starscream’s got such a massive inferiority complex (courtesy of Megatron, among other things) that he had to literally merge with the Allspark to try and feel like he was worth something, o o f....

Bruh we really need Rung in this series, this boy needs therapy

COME ON OPTIMUS DO SOMETHING

NOICE

WAY TO CUT IT CLOSE OPTIMUS

OH NO IS HE OK

CYBERVERSE PLEASE DON’T KILL OPTIMUS AGAIN

Megatron: Who could ask for anything more? Except for your spark Optimus, weakly: Are you proposing?  Bumblebee: THIS REALLY ISN’T THE TIME TO BE FLIRTING

This is such a good screencap but IM HURTIN SO BAD

LMAO THE SCRAPLETS ARE GOING WILD

DO IT WINDBLADE, GET THE ALLSPARK, REVIVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!

Shockwave: I now have 50 more children Grimlock: NO FAIR

SHADOW STRIKER PLS (but boy if I don’t love seeing the gals going at it)

BEE PLS PROTECT OPTIMUS

Wow they really aren’t holding back showing the Scraplet deaths

HECK YEAH, WINDBLADE GOT TO SAY THE THING!!! SHE SAID AUTOBOT ROLL OUT

CHEETOR PLEASE BE CAREFUL LITTLE KITTY CAT

MEGATRON COME ON

OH NO WHERE IS BEE

OH SNAP HE GOT STARSCREAM!?!? lmao and he’s dragging him by the foot, thanks Bee

WAIT THAT’S IT!? NO, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT EPISODE, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I LOVE CYBERVERSE SO MUCH!!! PLS DONT KILL MY BOY OPTIMUS

[northernstaar]

PSA: Anti call-out culture. This isn’t aimed at ANY---actually, yes. it is. This is aimed at anyone who supports bully-culture and call-out-culture. This is aimed at ANYONE who thinks its okay or funny to bully people or anyone who thinks its okay to send someone asks/anons that say “kill yourself!” “leave the RPC!” This is the reality of what’s going to happen if this culture continues. People are TOO careless, inconsiderate, etc, to realize something BAD is on the horizon with call-out, bully and hate-culture here in the RPC. Take a trip with me down memory lane. I’m not talking about 2012 RP. I’m talking about 2006 RP.

Why the hell would i choose 2006 RP? Well, it was an ACTUAL escape from real life. It was a world where a writer could broaden their writing or if not? simply just have FUN. It was a world where someone who was bullied, felt accepted. They could, for a couple hours, escape their identity and take their minds off their problems. It was a world where someone who suffered from depression, stood a chance in having their spirits lifted if only for a couple of hours. I’ve had the upmost pleasure of watching Roleplayers become actual best selling authors because of their exploration with their characters in RP. RP helped them spend time with their OCs and worlds and they went on to become amazing authors. THROUGH RP. EVERYONE minded their own business. Not just character-wise, but OOC-wise as well. Most people had a rule where they preferred NOT to disclose ANYTHING about their ooc-selves. You could speak to them of course, but jobs, family and sometimes even ooc names were off-limits. Now-a-days, people feel the need to post an entire paragraph about themselves.

Why were people so protective of their ooc selves? Because of how Tumblr RP is TODAY. Roleplay was what they did for themselves and Real life was none of anyone's business. If the people I met and still are friends with from back in 2006 still RPed, they would literally scream. There is NO privacy. People demand to know a writers: name, race, gender etc in order to be given peace and quiet in the RP. Age, I can understand. But what does it matter to you what that persons name, race, gender or sexuality is??? its none. of. your. business.

People now think that their RP character says something about the real persons views, morals, etc. That somehow? If you RP a villain, the person behind the computer is also going to go out and do those things? It’s called CREATIVE writing. Back then, RP really DIDN’T equal RL. People liked RPing with villains because they were that; a VILLAIN. They were cheeky, funny, rude, mean, etc. IT WAS FUN. You could be your favorite villain, hero, anti-hero and people weren’t concerned with the person BEHIND the screen. They were simply excited to see the CHARACTER.

WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS, YOU ASK?

This isn’t about characters, pictures, themes, or anything like that. This is about PEOPLE and what’s going to happen to them if this shit doesn’t stop.

THAT RPC CALL-OUT, BULLY AND HATE-CULTURE IS GOING TO COST SOMEONE THEIR LIVES.

Roleplay is no longer a safe place for anyone because people feel like they OWN it to a degree that they have the right to dictate what EVERYONE does. It has become the very opposite of what it was created to be for; it now is FULL of bullies and people who are simply thirsty for blood. People that simply want to see someone...what? Do you want them to DIE? will that make you happy? will it satisfy you if your level of harassment causes someone to take their own life? Oh, that’s NOT what you want? Then what DO you fucking want? Because that is literally the only thing that seems like it. The toxic RPC call-out culture is going to be the reason someone takes their own life someday. Because its NEVER just one person sending someone hate. A person that has HUNDREDS of followers, sticks a target on ONE persons back, that means there are HUNDREDS of people attack them, too. Because they’re following the crowd. No one respects anyone. People attack someone without giving a SINGLE thought as to what that person is going through on the other side of that computer. They heartlessly send “death wishes” to these people without considering that that person might be suicidal and will take that as confirmation that they deserve to die. Or someone who has been sexually assaulted, and deals with it by writing it out and people anon-hate them because THEY don’t like reading it.

Answer me this, Tumblr RPC: WHAT. DO YOU. WANT? What will make you HAPPY? Will YOU FINALLY be satisfied with yourselves if your relentless bullying and endless call outs eventually drive someone to put a bullet through their skull? a razor-blade down their wrists? all for what? a community that ISN’T owned by ANYONE. A community of people who claim to be “anti-hate, anti-bullying, anti-drama” yet are the ones who spread the MOST of it? You don’t like that broad statement of suicide? But you’re so quick to send people things like “kill yourself” “get off tumblr” “you deserve to die” when the moment strikes when everyone else is doing it, but you don’t like to think of the deeper details of it. Like the fear, agony and relief as someone puts the barrel of a gun in their mouth two seconds before they pull the trigger. Or someone that cries in pain as a sharp object slices into the skin on their wrists and rips through their veins as they try to do it as quickly as possible to get it done. You don’t like that thought, do you? Too gory? Too graphic? Too SAD? Well you weren’t happy until that happened. Are you happy NOW ? It’s okay for you to watch that stuff on TV from 13 Reasons Why, but when someone writes about it, it makes you cringe? Then take a step back and realize something: THIS. NEEDS. TO. FUCKING. STOP. If Call-out culture, bully-culture and hate-culture doesn’t get stomped out, THAT’S whats going to happen to GOOD people. Someone that had their whole life in front of them, will be buried underneath six feet of dirt and rocks because people couldn’t be satisfied until they drove them to that point.

I know what many are going to say. “That’s a little extreme! But they’re THESE types of people and THOSE types of people! THEY WROTE THIS!” Now, I’m not saying that the truly problematic people like racists, pedophiles, etc, deserve to be “overlooked”. But the solution to this is so simple? don’t interact with them? warn your friends, warn other rpers privately, WARN THEM. That’s what we used to do in 2006. But for the more people who are simply creators and are good at portraying their characters or write things that they find to be therapeutic (like sexual assault victims, or ptsd sufferers), THESE are the ones I see called out and harassed the most. Those are the people I’m talking about right now. There are people that have been victims of call-out culture have come out and apologized PROFUSELY. Yet, i see people STILL attack them? So that just tells me “No, them coming out and apologizing is still not enough! I don’t know what I want! But I want it!” Well, guess what? It’s not about RP that they will end up taking their lives, its going to be the overwhelming amount of TORTURE that PEOPLE put on them. There is RP and there is RL and once you cross into RL and harass and bully and torment people, its no longer RP. That REAL person, becomes attacked. “That’s not what we’re saying!” But that’s how its going to end. The RPC call-out culure will NEVER be satisfied until someone takes their life.

2006 didn’t NOT have its draw-backs. I’m not saying it was the IDEAL time. People were pretty vicious. BUT ONE thing that has gone missing is the desire for someone to stand up in someones defense. No longer does anyone go to someone who’s being harassed and offer support. Instead, they follow the crowd and bully that person with others to avoid being attacked themselves. There’s very few of them here in the RPC and those few? Are absolutely rare gems. There’s always those handfuls. But shouldn’t that tell you something? In 2006, “hatesites” were popular. But those hate-sites were NEVER defended. Often, people HATED them, even if the disliked the person that the site was about. They stood up for that person because hating and bullying IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE WRONG.

The day that someone DOES take their lives because of this now-toxic community, ALL who told that person to do what they did, will be a KILLER. No, you may not have put the gun in their mouths, but you encouraged them to. That’s even worse. And that will give you the title you are most deserving of.

WHAT DOES CALL-OUT AND BULLY-CULTURE SERVE YOU?

So, if and/or WHEN that happens, how long will your SATISFACTION last? You make a call-out post, your little friends like it and giggle as they send “i hope you die” to someones inbox/ims, make public posts about them, tehehe, its all fun! You sent that person to their graves with your harassment. But...what happens to your satisfaction AFTER that? It’s not permanent. But that persons death WAS. They’re in the ground FOREVER and you experienced joy from their suffering for two minutes and are done and ready to move on.

You don’t think that will happen? You’d be surprised at what ANYONE will do when you rip away their creativity, hope and happiness. That is EXACTLY what RPC is working towards. All those memes you see of people “RP in 2023: someone: -breathes; everyone: -flies off the handle;” People are FEELING that toxicity. You think its funny, haha, but its because it’s true. That tension is here. It EXISTS and it GROWS everyday and more rapidly as people embrace this mindset to “gang up” on someone. The RPC is full of PTSD sufferers, Depression/Anxiety patients who use this community as a way of coping and therapy. So, you think that I’m just being dramatic? “Oh, that would never happen. It’s just RP.” Then think again.

Why does there need to be that unnecessary fatality?

See something being written that you don’t like? BLOCK THEM.

They don’t tag posts that upset you? BLOCK THEM.

A racist or problematic RPer? BLOCK THEM.

An annoying RPer you don’t like? BLOCK THEM.

An RPer you’ve had problems with in the past? BLOCK THEM.

A pedophile-infused writing? BLOCK THEM.

BLOCK. BLOCK. BLOCK. BLOCK.

You do NOT own RP. The next time you post a call-out and follow a heard of sheep that are bullying someone? Consider, for one second, that that person MIGHT be suicidal. Even if they are the worlds most EVILEST person, driving someone to their own deaths is NEVER okay. Wanna send me anon hate? Go right ahead. Fellow mutuals, wanna drop our threads? I understand. I will not be upset. But I will NOT for one second apologize for being against bullying and not wanting ANYONE to kill themselves. If my posting in defense of those people offends you? So be it. If my touchy, visual description of what suicide IS hurts your feelings? Consider how that person feels that you’re tormenting. If you unfollow me because of my getting sick and tired of the call-out culture? Go ahead. Support call-out culture? You do you.

[tumblunni]

Oh fuck i cant stand this

Ive already almost used up my damn mobile data again and i only bought it yesterday. Fuck i want to go home. You guys are like the only comfort i have here and i dunno what im gonna do when i cant message you again

Fuckin hell stupid shit day! I was supposed to go to a therapy class thing today but the stupid bus went past where my abusive father lives and i had a MASSIVE FREAKOUT and had to go home and then ofcourse to go home you have to go back on the stupid same bus!! I fuckib failed and wasted the doctor's time and he had to grab me to stop me from running off the bus crying and back to fuckin hell dad's house because im shit and i deserve everything he ever did to me

AND THEN fuckin same doctor continues the relentless constant tide of everyone misgendering me and making crass transphobic jokes

"You see you've gotta understand the other opinion" he says, as if trans people werent fuckin raised SURROUNDED by cis people's predjudiced opinion of us and taught it was fact. As if it didnt take me SO MUCH WORK to even become confident enough to stand up for myself! I've gotta see the 'other opinion' that "yknow well families and children use public bathrooms and theyre scared trans people will molest their children so its understandable they want to kick you out or even act violent to you". Yknow the OTHER OPINION that MY OPINION DOESNT MATTER and also MY ENTIRE EXISTANCE IS A CRIME but i'm the one being predjudiced for not accepting that OPINION, right?! Im here trying to tell him that no that isnt rational because there have been LITERALLY NO RECORDED CASES of trans people molesting children in public bathrooms, or even "evil men faking being trans" to do the same thing. There's been more cases of actual cis men breaking into women's bathrooms to drag women out for merely LOOKING trans. More cis women have been harassed because of anti trans laws than they ever did before! But hey "respect that other opinion", right? And also "at least its not as bad as russia" and "but gay pride is everywhere now, that one footballer had rainbow shoelaces." Hey wow i never noticed that not only was homophobia totally over but also transphobia was remotely related to that! Wow! I seriously had to bring out the fuckin 1600s historical investigation on pre-british olde englishe that showed the existance of a gender neutral pronoun before the word "he" ever existed, and the existance of transgender pride and pronoun discussions in the 1800s before the word transgender was even popularized. I cant believe i fuckin had to do a 'show your sources that queer people existed before the internet' IN REAL LIFE. WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I can point at the damn NHS website but nooooo!

Oh and yknow what got me the most? YKNOW WHAT GOT ME THE MOST?? "We have sick people here, you cant expect them to remember stuff like that. Dont ruin their recovery by bringing up stuff like that." Like..fuckin..IM A FUCKIN PATIENT TOO. I wasnt even asking the other patients to stop hurting me i was asking you the staff to maybe consider it! And seriously you want me to be so super ultra perpetually prepared and perpetually rational and able to keep my existance secret and out of every conversation yet theyre too ill to learn about lgbt people existing? Just a sentence would be too painful? And me living every day being misgendered doesnt impact my ability to recover at all, eh? Fuckin shitting fuck hell.

And i hate it i HATE IT because he's being nice so i'll be the bad guy if i complain. Likehe fuckin..doesnt even know he's being rude and doesnt want to consider the idea. He says 'i dont like your tone' if i suggest the concept and FUCK in that moment i was so fuckin scared he was gonna hit me like my dad did. Or at tge very least kick me out of the hospital if i dont cooperate with him. He just fuckin..thinks he's perfectly unbiased and accepts everyone and "oh but i like to make fun of everyone equally". And i even fuckin raised the subject that people who say that often only make fun of minorities and never themselves, the majority, or major power structures. And he's just like 'yeah yeh i hate people like that'. Whoosh. Rigjt over the head. God i wasnt even TRYING to be passive aggressive i was trying tk outright tell him why what he said was upsetting me but NOPE. Trying to explain how its just so hard and tiring to have to verrrrrry patientlyyyyy explain yourself to EVERYONE EVERY DAY CONSTANTLY while they sling loads of rude words at you and it should be just allowed because they 'dont know better'. Like you ask me to educate you but at the same time im rude if i actually tell you?? And god i also tried to explain how the fuckin bathroom violence thing isnt an example of 'educating another opinion' AGAIN by saying like... If someone just asked me to explain being transgender i would. If someone just said they were uncomfortable i would leave. That's 'another opinion'. Reacting with slurs and violence to a trans person existing and not doing anything to you is not 'another opinion' and its not someone who 'just didnt know'. He was seriously trying to argue that it WASNT BIGOTED it was just someone rationally being afraid for their children because of a danger that doesnt exist, and rationally reacting with extreme violence rather than doing anything else. Rationally. RATIONALLY. oh just MISTAKENLY committing a hate crime! Cos they just didnt know trans people exist! Not cos they hate us! Oh no! Yeah sure we totally have a fucking DUTY to educate these POOR UNKNOWING PEOPLE while theyre attacking us, and its our damn fault if we didnt...

And just fucking FUCK i hate how someone can say all that stuff and still be "nice" and still not hate me personally? Like its so messed up?? He's not anti trans or anything he just has so much more damn sympathy for cis people than trans people, and puts all the onus on us to somehow prevent our own murders. And he thinks that "i dont have a problem with trans people" means doing LITERALLY NOTHING to change your behaviour to make trans people feel accepted. They should just magically know that your jokes are jokes when theyre surrounded by so many people saying it honestly, in CONSTANT FEAR OF THAT EXACT THING LEADING TO VIOLENCE. And like in order to be "a guy who has no problem with trans people" he has to do nothing, while in order for me to be not bigoted against HIM it means i have to never get offended by his jokes and also never talk about myself and also constantly educate him about things because he doesnt want to learn, even though he works in a hospital thats supposed to have an anti discrimination policy. Like fuckin just NOT HURTING LGBT PEOPLE doesnt make you discrimination free, shit like telling me to misgender myself because my pronouns would confuse the other patients is kinda fuckin fucked up. Also "that's a question for later" is all i CONSTANTLY get when it comes to talking about legal name changes or therapy or even just talking to an lgbt support group. I have to wait until i stop being depressed because oh no im talking about too many mental illnesses at once. Its been seven years and i havent fuckin stopped being depressed, bitch! Ever consider a fuckin symptom of gender dysphoria is a big ol fat depression!!! And just gahhhhh he was so fuckin baffled and angry that i would dare to get emotional about the subject?? Like he just saw DEBATING WHETHER TRANS PEOPLE ARE REAL and WHETHER PEOPLE WHO MURDER THEM FOR USING THE BATHROOM ARE JUSTIFIED as a perfectly normal casual discussion that a Non Transphobic Man could have with his transgender friend. Why oh why would i cry about this casual hypothetical discussion? Hey its not like it fuckin affects me directly! "Well its never happened to you right?" A Ha Ha Ha Ha. Also fuckin "so which bathroom do you use?" and "well you're not really transgender if youre not getting the surgery-oh wait you do want the surgery? How does that work then?" I swear i could just see the gears turning in his head and he was about to say "do you want both down there". Gahhhhhh *cringes myself into a tiny tumbleweed and blows away*

Also the entire time he kept calling being trans a sexuality and also asexuality. "No youre not trans youre asexual right?" Yeah sure ive just been saying im trans and saying im not a girl and wearing a chest binder and talking this entire conversation about my experiences as a trans person in public bathrooms just to pull an elaborate prank on you. And like i know what he meant is that he thought the word for nonbinary was asexual (has asexuality REALLY made so little progress towards getting into the sex ed curriculum in the entire 25 years of my life?) But like seriously he was like "youre not really trans if youre nonbinary". And then fuck dude i dont wanna explain how surgery works to you!! And especially not also my entirely unrelated sexuality that has entirely different equally upsetting predjudices!

Ans gahhhh fuck i just got no sympathy for crying and he acted as if it was just some wildly unexpected occurance he never could have predicted. And i hate it cos he's nice to me whenever the subject is about anything else. I cant get any symoathey from ANYONE because he's A NICE GUY and why dont i just understaaaaaand other opinionnnnnns

I wanted to fuckin quit this whole thing on the spot and go home. Only reason i cant is because my support worker is off work until thursday auauauaughhh

Fuck at least one positive i guess is that ive made progress in the social anxiety or at least gotten better at giving the impression im making progress. Cos i want to LEAVE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. And also fuck all my other worries seem less suicide-inducing when im actually getting the closest ive ever been to killing myself on a daily basis because of a stupid other thing that i never could have predicted. Go here for one form of self hate, come home with another! Yayyyyy

And fuck i havent even made a single bit of progress on drawing or writing anything and i cant practise making ganes cos my laptop cant run rpgmaker and i havent even started reading my giant pile of books cos they fuckin LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW EVERY SINGLE HOUR TO MAKE SURE YOU AINT KILLED YOURSELF. i have no fuckin pribacy and its making me wanna kill myself even more!! I just live constantly on edge looking at the fuckin door window and i cant even do anything to distract myself because im too scared of them looking at me!! Or barging in at no notice to tell me i have to do some big stressful thing RIGHT NOW because i dont even get advance notice of anything aaaa! And fuck i dont have anywhere to go to even calm down from a panic attack cos i have no privacy so at least im getting over being scared of going outside cos outside is the only place i can go to cry. Fuckin strangers in the crowd at least wont cause shit if they see me.

Fuck i want to go home. Fuck i wish i had enough money to keep buying mobile internet. Its like fuckin 750mb a day to run tumblr but its all ive got to talk to any person who doesnt hate me or patronize me or think im faking a bunch of shit or whatever the fuck. And im not even any fun to be around when im like this so im probably just ruining your day too. And im probably gonna vanish again soon and then just go back to crying alone and getting worse and probably never being able to leave

I knew it was gonna be stressdul but i didnt predict any of this.. I just wanna fuckin die. I wanted to jump out the car and go to my old dad's house and have him pull open the door and slap me around a bit. Like call me a fucking dyke, call me a sick retard, be honest about your feelings! I'd fuckin take being abused over this "oh youre the bad one for being mad because i had goooood intentions" reverse psychology bigotry from hell. Either these people are evil geniuses or theyre even more stupid like me. Fuckin shit dad please manifest in my room and slap me, killing me instantly. I feel like being scared of you would at least be a faster emotion than this nebulous sensation of confusing unease and dysphoria 24/7 for 6 fuckin months. One week done, haha! Hahahabahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahahahahshshshahshahahahhahahaaaa

[thewebofslime]

Jonathan Vanderhagen took to Facebook with a storm of criticism, with one post containing profanities, against a Macomb County judge and the court system that he believes failed his young son, who died nearly two years ago during a custody case. The judge notified the sheriff's office when she was alerted to some of his posts like this one: "Exposing bad, corrupt & shady people like you is what the (expletive) I do ;) Get this (expletive) out of our court system," according to a police report. Two days later, the Chesterfield Township man was charged with a misdemeanor — malicious use of telecommunications services. He posted a $1,000 bond and was ordered not to have any contact with the judge. But Vanderhagen continued to make Facebook posts about the system and his son, many including images of Snoopy and Batman, which were the boy's favorite characters, his lawyer says. That's when things took a unexpected turn. When the 35-year-old returned to District Court on July 24 on the misdemeanor, a different judge decided Vanderhagen had violated the no-contact part of his bond. He ordered him held on a $500,000 cash surety bond and to undergo a mental health examination while he was in the jail. "This is unheard of — a $500,000 cash (bond) is for somebody who is very dangerous or who has the means to leave the country," said Vanderhagen's attorney, Nicholas Somberg of Bloomfield Hills. He said Vanderhagen is neither. Other legal experts agreed the bond does appear to be high, while pointing out that few judges like to see their orders ignored. More: This part of the Macomb County Jail is old and hot Somberg said Vanderhagen has no prior criminal record, no firearms and no concealed pistol license. Jonathan Vanderhagen of Chesterfield Township is being held in the Macomb County Jail on a $500,000 bond. He was charged with a misdemeanor offense after posts that he allegedly made on social media referencing a Macomb County judge and the Friend of the Court after the death of his young son. (Photo: Macomb County Sheriff's Office) Vanderhagen's mother, Deborah, said her son, who lived with her and who she describes as an artist and a musician, is "holding on" since being jailed July 24 in the Macomb County lockup. She said he's told her: "I will not break. I'm not guilty of anything." Jonathan Vanderhagen is scheduled for a jury trial Friday in 41-B District Court in Clinton Township. If convicted of the misdemeanor, he could be sentenced up to six months in jail and/or a $1,000 fine. 'Troubling posts' In 2017, Vanderhagen filed for sole custody of his 1-year-old son, arguing the boy's mother had a history of drug use and wasn't properly caring for Killian, who was born with hydrocephalus and required therapy and regular doctor visits. The case was assigned to Circuit Court Judge Rachel Rancilio, but Killian died while in his mother's care in Genesee County in September 2017. No charges were filed in his death. Rancilio contacted the Macomb County Sheriff's Office on July 8 of this year after some "troubling posts" she was alerted to on Facebook, according to a police report. The posts appeared that Vanderhagen was unhappy with the outcome of the case. Judge Rachel Rancilio (Photo: Macomb County Circuit Court) The Sheriff's Office report states there were multiple posts on Vanderhagen's page regarding Rancilio, many of them screen shots of her personal Facebook posts as well as items she had pinned on her Pinterest app. There also were two videos and a post that it was time for him to speak about his personal experience of corruption in the Friend of the Court and how he believes his ex-girlfriend is responsible for their son's death. One of the posts from July 8 reads: "Dada back to digging & you best believe im gonna dig up all the skeletons in this court's closet." There is a photo of Vanderhagen holding a shovel with the initials RR on the handle and MD on the shovel, with Families Of Corruption on his shirt, and the words: "The misuse of public power (by elected politician or appointed civil servant) for private gain." The Macomb County logo appears in the background. According to the police report: "At no time does he threaten harm or violence toward Rancilio" or another person he identified as being involved. "However, he does appear to be very upset with them and feels they are to blame for not helping him." A warrant charging Vanderhagen with the misdemeanor was authorized July 10. Vanderhagen was arraigned and posted 10% of a $10,000 bond. On July 24, he returned for a pretrial. The prosecution had filed an emergency motion to raise Vanderhagen's bond for a violation after it said he continued to intimidate and harass those who filed the initial report by continuing to post about being mistreated by the system. But Somberg argued that Vanderhagen "has an absolute constitutional right to redress his grievances against the government publically." He said Vanderhagen's posts are about his son, digging up the truth and exposing that he feels that has been wronged by the system. "There's no threats. There's no reaching out to Judge Rancilio. There's been no contact. There's inadvertent messages. All the messages after the no contact are all very innocuous," he told the court. But 41-B District Court Judge Sebastian Lucido disagreed. Lucido stated there are limits to First Amendment and freedom of speech, saying in a court transcript: "There cannot be anything of a threatening nature. ... We're talking about threatening a sitting Circuit Court Judge is the original allegation against Mr. Vanderhagen. When there's a no contact, it's a no contact directly, indirectly or social media. These are all though he likes to hint around the fringes of it, in my opinion they are of a threatening nature after the no contact was put in place." Lucido raised Vanderhagen's bond to $500,000 cash surety. Vanderhagen has been unable to post that bond. Judge Sebastian Lucido sentences someone at 41B District Court in Clinton Twp., Wednesday, Sept. 5, 2018. (Photo: Kimberly P. Mitchell, Detroit Free Press) Sgt. Renee Yax said the sheriff's office does not have a comment on the case against Vanderhagen. Derek Miller, chief of operations for county Prosecutor Eric Smith, said: "We're not commenting on a pending matter that's scheduled for trial on Friday." Messages were left at the offices of Rancilio; Lucido, and Circuit Court Chief Judge James Biernat Jr., who denied Vanderhagen's appeal of the higher bond last month. On July 11, Biernat signed a personal protection order request that Rancilio filed in the circuit court against Vanderhagen. The order is in effect until Jan. 20, according to court records. A 'very fine line' Two local legal experts, who spoke in general terms, said a $500,000 bond is high for a misdemeanor. "There's a First Amendment right to criticize judges. The real thing here is that this is excessive bail. The Michigan Constitution is very specific about that," said Robert Sedler, a constitutional law professor at Wayne State University. Sedler cites Article 1, Section 16 of the state constitution that states, in part, that excessive bail shall not be required; excessive fines shall not be imposed, and cruel or unusual punishment shall not be inflicted. Peter Henning, a Wayne State University professor and former federal prosecutor, who like Sedler didn't know of all the specifics of Vanderhagen's case, said there could be a First Amendment issue in the matter. "We are allowed to criticize our officials. Now, you can't threaten someone or you can't go so far to harass them," Henning said, adding that it's often a "very fine line" between protected speech and what would rise to the level of harassment. "That's not an easy line to draw," he said, adding it's not just about what people intend, but also "what would a reasonable person consider this to be — harassment or a threat?" Henning said the $500,000 bond was "very substantial" for a misdemeanor. However, he said, "judges don't like to see their orders ignored. You don't ever want to anger a judge." Jonathan Vanderhagen of Chesterfield Township with his son, Killian, in an undated family photo. (Photo: Deborah Vanderhagen) 'He's ... been in tears' Vanderhagen's case has garnered attention in the media and on social media. There is a change.org petition online in an effort to get Rancilio impeached, with more than 8,900 signatures Wednesday. Deborah Vanderhagen said her son doesn't want to harm or kill anyone; he just wants those involved with his son's case to "recognize what they did wrong." She said compounding the situation is the two-year anniversary of Killian's death Sept. 22. "It's really hitting him hard right now," she said of her son. "It hurts. I'm losing faith in the justice system." Somberg said Vanderhagen channeled his grief for his son and spoke out on Facebook. He said his client is "literally exercising his First Amendment rights" and when one is a public official "you are less protected from people scrutinizing you." "He's definitely been in tears over this," Somberg said of Vanderhagen. "He's doing this for his son, for justice for his son."