#lol if you couldn't tell I write a lot of essays for classes so I tend to fall into That Voice

[paperstarwriters]

ive come kneeling at your doorstep to beg for that essay on murio and luciels parallels you mentioned 👀💦👉👈

i love loathing lucio so much so it would deal my lil hater ass so much psychic damage and i cannot wait to get rekt

(onlyifyouwanttothoofcoursetakeyourtime)(just making sure youre aware id print that shit n frame it above my bed were it to come to existence)

Hello @tetsuooooooooooo! I know you said I can take my time, ok I'm still really really sorry this took awhile, I've been kinda burnt out from classes lately, and writing a bunch of essays for that lol, but I've managed to make a somewhat coherent argument for my case here lol.

Now, to preface this:

I only really like Lucio as a character to thematically dissect and kick around occasionally for giggles. I am a far, far cry from a Lucio stan, I just find him interesting—like a bug. Honestly I don't think I'm gonna convince you he's in any way a good guy I just might make you loathe him more 😅

I haven't played Lucio's route. I'm too busy and I get too annoyed with some of his antics + the options of reactions that MC is allowed to make. I've only played the side stories and a lot of my understanding of his character is built from Muriel's route (and I know he's much more different in his own route than he is in the others') as well as hearsay from other people talking about Lucio

I know I said that I'd include Aurora's songs in my original statement but that got wayyyyyyy too messy so I'm just opting to exclude them lol. (not to mention youtube is doing a very irritatingly strange thing of deleting and then reuploading Aurora's songs??? so I don't wanna deal with the messy files :/)

With that out of the way here is my essay :)

Wordcount: 2,908

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Muriel and Lucio are both very, very caught up in how they are seen by others. While it's clearer when it comes to Lucio, it is also made clear in Muriel by the fact that Social anxiety is often caused by stress over how a person is perceived and their mental belief that they are helpless to change that perception. This causes of their self perception are also quite similar, due to their similar histories, but in the same way that there are some notable opposites between them with their struggle for their identity there is also some notable differences in their histories that arguably causes the slight difference in their struggle for their self image.

To begin with their history, Muriel and Lucio are noted to both come from the South. They come from two opposing tribes, and are both eventually chased out of their home and community by 1) a cruel person who arguably causes their struggle of identity and 2) the plague. Of course, the major difference here is that Lucio actively made decisions that would lead to him being chased out of his tribe, he was arguably aware that if it failed he'd have to leave, he just hadn't considered that it would actually fail.

Muriel on the other hand is chased out of his home at a much younger age, and he has no choice in his eviction from his home or his family. There is no action that Muriel could have done that would have allowed him to stay where he was, unlike Lucio who had a clear option that would have allowed him to stay.

Or at least would have allowed him to stay until he grew tired of his mother's attitude towards him.

I don't believe that Morga's cruel and dismissive attitude towards Lucio started when he tried to kill her, rather, I believe that she has been doing that for a long, long time. She often states that she had been "too soft" on Lucio, but I think her "softness" is the same kind we see in Muriel's route. She berates him, she threatens him, she tells him how awful and unskilled he is to everyone else and makes a show of his failures, but when she is completely and fully enraged and is about to hit Lucio, she hesitates.

Is that softness? To her perhaps. To the tribe, perhaps. But not to me, and not to Lucio.

So, despite all of the harsh words thrown his way, he decides to take action to prove her wrong. I'm willing to bet that a lot of Morga's criticisms were about how strong he was and how he was in fact not actually as strong as he could have been, not as strong as he should have been. That's why when he takes action to prove Morga wrong, he immediately snaps to killing her. There is, after all, no better way than showing your power than killing your opponent (we see this belief in Morga when she spars against Muriel and he beats her.) Of course, in hand-to-hand combat, and on fair terms, Lucio can't actually defeat his mother, so he takes to more under-handed methods in order to beat her.

When this fails, it is the first major wound on his self-image. He cannot defeat his mother. He is not strong enough to defeat his mother despite cheating.

So, he runs away.

Besides marking a wound on his self-image, this also marks Lucio's connection to others. Having been exiled from his tribe, he is disconnected from the friends who may have actually supported him somewhat, he is robbed of his connections and separated from anyone who may have actually loved and cared for him (platonically and/or romantically)

Similarly, Muriel's separation from his own family, and his eventual abandonment into the streets of Vesuvia separates him from any stable sense of love and affection as well. Because he was separated from loving parents as a child and was likely surrounded by a number of children who were abandoned because they were unwanted, or because their parents were unable to care for them, Muriel has no other answer than what the other kids give him it is the only answer he has. Further more I believe that Muriel was probably abandoned by that merchant because they were unable to keep feeding him, which he also attaches onto his real parents as to why he was abandoned in the first place.

And so Muriel believes himself to be unloved and unlovable after being separated from family, or any semblance of a family.

Returning to Lucio, he moves on from his tribe and eventually joins a military group(? I think? Idk. I'm sure there was a specific name for it but I can't remember sorry) Once again, this is an act of trying to prove to his mother and to his community that they were wrong, and when compared to the ordinary person outside of their tribe, he's actually a really good and capable fighter. Of course, however, this is inevitably cut short as he looses his arm, and is once again confronted with the fact that he is unskilled as a warrior and so he retreats from his perceived deficiency and takes a different route to getting the love and admiration he wants—politics.

Of course, as we see in Muriel and Asra's childhood tale, this inevitably puts him into direct conflict as, in order to climb the social ladder he offers to "clean up" the streets. While it's largely left up to interpretation as to whether or not the Threat of Asra's safety came first or Muriel's position as a gladiator came first, I can't help but believe that Muriel's position as a gladiator came first, as otherwise, he might've gone out and tried to check on Asra's safety. (though this is mostly a headcannon) I believe that Lucio offered Muriel a chance to have some say in who gets "cleaned up" from the streets, and for Muriel to be able to get rid of the "actually bad criminals". Regardless of whether or not this is true, the arena gives Muriel his first taste of admiration, as people cheer for and adore him, but it also tears that sense of admiration away as he eventually has to come to terms with what he is doing. Whether that sense of dread and awareness was always there or it occurred somewhere in the middle is also unknown but the outcome is the same regardless. Being known and being admired becomes tied to hurting and harming people—because it is the only trait he sees that other people admire, he sees it as his only lovable trait.

And so Lucio and Muriel begin to reflect each other—and I don't mean reflect as in they show the same image, I mean reflect as in we see a similar image, but the image is reversed (*wink wink nudge nudge*). Here Muriel sees himself as only capable of being loved for his ability to commit violence, and Lucio sees himself as being incapable of being loved because he cannot complete the amount of violence he needs to commit.

Now, I feel the need to emphasize here, despite having many people around him who Lucio may truly believe love and admire him, the people around him very likely don't actually care for him very much because they either do not know him well, or they see him as little more than a pawn in a plan, or at least someone who gives them benefits. And even if there are a number of people with genuine admiration for Lucio, it still wouldn't be enough. Admiration is never enough when you lack genuine emotional connections with others, and Lucio, clearly does.

Again, this parallels Muriel who also struggles with a lack of genuine emotional connections to others. Although he has Asra with him, it's clear that, Asra's tendency to be fickle with connections has extended to him as well, especially when Asra spends more time with MC than him, leaving Muriel feeling abandoned and alone. Considering that Asra is the only person we ever really see Muriel connect or talk to, it's no stretch to say that Asra is one of Muriel's only friends, if not their only friend period, and so with Asra disappearing on him as often as they do, Muriel is left feeling that he actually has no connections at all.

Of course once again reflecting each other, where Muriel clearly sees he lacks connections and pretends he does not, Lucio, makes unsteady transactional rather than emotional relationships and pretends that that is enough.

It is of course, not enough, because if it were, he wouldn't have treated Muriel like that, he likely wouldn't have plucked Muriel out at all. Although this is largely speculation, I believe that Lucio treated Muriel the way he did because he feels as if Muriel is the very child Morga would have wanted. He is big and strong, and although not technically skilled if Muriel were raised by Morga like Lucio was, he might've been. This is why his first reaction to seeing Muriel and Morga working together is that Muriel is Morga's replacement son. It's because that's how Lucio had been treating him. Muriel is Lucio's little avatar to live out the glory of being a fantastically skilled fighter who can beat up all of his opponents. This is also, why I believe that Lucio purposefully trained Muriel to be less skilled in fighting than he was. In Muriel's route, Lucio comments that he's always been able to beat Muriel, and while I do in fact believe that Lucio is actually a skilled fighter, despite how he is often presented and despite my arguments above—he's most often a skilled fighter in the technical sense. He knows all the movements, he knows all the strategies, he knows all the underhanded tricks. By not fighting Muriel too often, and refusing to teach him these tricks however much it may be able to help Muriel out in the arena, it allows Lucio to be able to defeat him whenever he wants to. It allows Lucio to make it seem to himself that he is better than the person his mother would have wanted as a son, which I believe to be both horrible but also sad, for both Lucio and Muriel.

With Lucio, it shows how desperate and inferior he feels with his fighting skills, constantly trying to compensate for it something we can also see that in the portrait of himself he has in his room.

For Muriel, it keeps him scared, and keeps him pinned in place despite having realized the consequences of his fighting. Something which only furthers his self-hatred when he realizes he actually could have easily left.

So yes, Muriel and Lucio are both very self conscious people, and while for Muriel his self consciousness stems from people seeing him as a monster, and him believing that he is one although he does not want to be one, Lucio is self-conscious in the fact that he is not seen as the brutal fighting warrior he was supposed to be.

These reflected aspects of each other, alongside of their self consciousness is the very thing they struggle through in their routes, the very thing that MC helps them to get through.

Lucio believes that through various paintings of himself that rearranges his past (paintings of himself as a triumphant fighter, while his mother is demure and elegant), various unfair/practically staged fights, and celebrations of himself on top of it all, he would be able to convince people that he is awesome and amazing and that he deserves to be loved. In doing all of this however, Lucio runs away from confronting the beliefs at his core and wondering if perhaps, what he understood as traits that make a person great may be incorrect—that his mother had not just been incorrect on the fact that he was a failure, but on the fact of what makes a person successful or powerful. By constantly covering up what he sees as deficits, Lucio skims over his own internal struggles entirely which makes him look foolish and annoying as he ignores what's so clearly there for others.

Meanwhile, for Muriel, he is aware of his deficits, and is unable to properly hide them without disappearing completely himself, he tries to figure out and fix all of his problems through introspection and isolation, but it is not something he can do on his own. Muriel of course, can't accept the fact that he may need help. He can't accept the fact that despite what he believes of himself, other people may actually care for him the same way he cares for them, and will actually offer help. And so, as he runs away from people and community, from friends, and possible friends alike, Muriel runs away from his own problems as well, even if he tortures himself with confronting them (I can't remember if he actually does this or if this is a fanfic trope 😅) Essentially, by constantly trying to deal with his struggles on his own, he neglects his connections to others who may help him, or at least offer support.

And then MC comes along, and because they both desperately needed that deep connection to someone else, regardless of whether it is something platonic or romantic. MC is able to leverage their relationship in order to further propel Muriel and Lucio's development into acknowledging the thing they refuse to acknowledge, and finally balance out their coping mechanisms, which, on their own isn't actually unhealthy (Lucio's really good at connecting with others; Muriel knows how to confront his inner turmoil) using that single method as their crutch for their traumas only ever hurts them more.

As Muriel progresses through his route, he grows more connected with his community and people. One meaningful moment that I don't think they give enough screen time in the game is the moment that Muriel is forced to confront people recognizing and seeing him again. He's forced to confront everyone's perception of him, their memory of him and he retreats into the mirror maze where he stares at all these reflections of himself, all reversed images of himself, but he believes them all to accurately represent himself—as if his superficial physical image is what represents himself mentally and emotionally. And then MC (and Morga 🙄) come through to him and pull him out of that panic attack (or interrupt and yank him away from properly addressing the problem in Morga's case 😤) And that's the first step to being loved. As they say, in order to let yourself be loved you have to let yourself be known, and in that first step, choosing to step forward and prioritize the lives of others over his own self image, Muriel begins to be admired by others. Genuinely admired, for traits that he likes in himself rather than traits that he hates.

Similarly for Lucio, (although I haven't played his route so this is largely based on hearsay) he's faced with problems that he Has to face on his own (or at least somewhat on his own) the main one being that he has to confront the consequences of his own actions, he has to acknowledge to himself that he isn't perfect and that he can't be perfect. It's why at the end of his route on the upright ending, he leaves Vesuvia, to take on a life of (semi)solitude to further take some time to improve his ability at introspection, while in the Reversed ending he's still talking with people, still trying to manipulate their perceptions of him (and the MC), and still trying to be a "good boy" (ie. perfect) for the MC.

Now, it may be argued that Julian can/should be included in this struggle of how others perceive him but I raise you this; that guy is the most dramatic ass dude in town and his biggest dramatic act was telling everyone about how horrible he is. He clearly has no issues with how other people see him, but he has problems with how he sees himself, which again, reflects Muriel a bit, but I'm sure most people are familiar with their (more blatant) similarities by now lol

So yea.

Muriel and Lucio are reflections of each other. At their core, they both struggle with the same problem of caring way too much about how they're seen by others, but they cope with (and thus worsen) the problem in opposite ways, so when they take steps to heal themself, they also go in opposite directions, with Lucio needing to take some time to himself to get into his own head, while Muriel needs some time away from himself to get out of his own head.

Essentially they're heading in opposite directions to reach the same conclusion: other people's opinions don't matter as much as your own opinion of yourself and the opinions of the people close to you.

Interesting parallels, no?

Of course, I believe this could've been better illustrated if Nyx Hydra didn't rush the last three routes, but alas, this is what fan fiction and fan-analysis is for lol

Anyways I don't tend to poke around the Lucio side of the fandom too much to begin with so if this has all been said and argued before forgive me for the repetition, and If I've gotten some points wrong, please feel free to correct me! I've mentioned before I haven't really played through Lucio's route so some things may be wrong.

[romanarose]

Life update if anyone cares.

I only post this bc i was posting my depressing shit for months and a lot of people were reaching out in concern <3

cw sever depression, self harm, suicide, csa, SA, all the bad. but also lots of good <3

TLDR: Despite a god-awful semester, i got all a's and b's

Everyone thats been following me the last few months has seem my personal posts about how fucking awful things have been for me.

I've dealt with fact I can no longer deny that what happened to me was CSA, despite being on a milder side of things. That sparked an absolutely spiral. I didnt sleep for months which made things worse. School, I got an F on a midterm and i NEVER get F's on writing assignments.

Work had its complications and i quit and then rescinded that quit two days later. I was so constantly depressed in my dorm my roommate literally told me i needed to go to the basketball game with them bc i was sitting in a depression hovel none stop. I only went to services twice this whole time, one shabbat and once for Rosh Hoshannah.

I burned the ever living fuck out of my fingers, yall remember that one? lol.

In novemeber i had relapsed so severely on self harm i thought i had accidentally killed myself. I should've called 911. I thought I was bleeding out and/or going into shock. I then worked myself up more by going down pages of the internet about medical shook and people dying from it. that did not help my heart rate. I couldn't stand, I couldnt see straight for a while.

I could not afford an ambulance or a hospital stay as i am uninsured and only ork 25 hours a week. not a lot of money.

All this happened and I didn't miss work. This is not a brag, this is me not being able to makegood choices for myself.

Finally, thanksgiving break hit. Thank fucking god. I WANTED to use those 4 days of absolutely nothing to get to my TWO BIG RESEARCH PAPERS I HADNT STRTED YET but alas, I was SICK. I was so sick, in fact, and so hoped up on cough medicine for 3 days i was incomprehensible.

I was so physically ill, i couldnt even think about how mentally ill i was. I slept and slept and slept. And by the time sunday hit, I felt so recharged.

My failed midterm was so bad and so not me my professsor reached out to me. Im close with him (in a v appropriate way lol, hes a bruce springsteen fan too) and i felt comfortable telling him essentially that for a few months there things were severe, and I really should've gone in for a 72 hour hold multiple times and i was not safe. through a few lines of resources, I ended up back in therapy bc my school added a new therapist that is a woman (i stopped going last year bc i didnt like seeing a man)

I like my new therapist.

Anway, in about 2 weeks I wrote 2 12 page research papers, 2 book report papers, 1 science paper did 2 presentations, took 2 finals, wrote 2 more finals with essay questions, and at the end of it all, not only did I not fail any classes...

I GOT ALL A'S AND B'S! Which means my gpa is still high enough to renew my scholarship for my last year

I am so fucking proud of myself for accomplishing all this despite suffering so fucking badly. I havnt felt pain like that in years, just agony.

I had a down turn again over christmas bc my siblings were literally ass, upto and including making fun of me for not ating (i am multiple accounts of sexual trauma from several people, so im scared of dating), making fun of my eating, and my sister slapping me and my older brother hitting me. Was a bad time. But for right now, im in the place im staying for break (all january) im back at my old day care and they love me, and olive garden at this store has been going great

Im hoping next semester to be better, im hopful at least

Anyway, thank you so much to everyone who has supported my writing has supported me through these times. It makes me happy that i came her to share my silly little moon knight x reader series, not really intending on writing a whole lot, but next thing i know, i have friends and a lil community. so thank you <3

[kohakhearts]

🍓 🐇 🪐 🔪 and 🏜️ for writer's truth or dare

🍓: how did you get into writing fanfiction?

solid question that tbh i don't really have an answer for. i wrote my first fic when i was 11 i think? percy jackson and harry potter were my gateway fandoms. i dabbled a bit in pokemon. but i couldn't tell you what my actual intro to fanfiction was, or how i moved one from self-insert ocs (primarily fem oc x male protag, LOL) to the kind of fics i read and write now. i've been doing this shit over half my life, that's all i know jhdfgfhjdk

🐇: do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both?

i never really wrote reader inserts, but between canon and oc characters in fanfic, i actually kind of do like making fandom ocs like. a lot. i RARELY do it but it's so fun, highly recommend! in general i wouldn't say i prefer writing one over the other, but i make ocs for the flexibility and creative license it grants, while i consider writing canon characters for the first time a fun kind of challenge. certain blorbos get elevated to "basically an oc" status due to Projection but that's a whole other thing

🪐: name three good things going on in your life right now

5 YEARS AND TENS OF THOUSANDS DOLLARS OF DEBT AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS STUPID PIECE OF PAPER (i'm graduating uni, WOO)

i got promoted to supervisor at work for this session of weekend classes and am reprising that role at summer camp this year, which i'd been uncertain about at first but now i'm kinda looking forward to it tbh!

my final internship went (mostly) really well and i made a lot of awesome connections that are opening up some unexpected doors for me, career-wise

🏜️: what’s your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

i love essay comments. any flavour is fine. quote analysis? play-by-play of your favourite parts? a personal anecdote? just four paragraphs of key smashes? it's all good. go be long-winded and incoherent to your heart's content, seriously. i will never not love an essay in my inbox

writer truth and dare ask game

[thisadhdlife]

I'm alive: A Life Update

Hey ya'll. I hope you've been doing well! I think the last time I actually posted anything was back in March of 2023. So, to say that it's been a while would be an understatement.

A lot has happened since March; wow, feels like an entirely different lifetime when I compare it to my life today: No, my life isn't perfect (whose life is?) but a lot of things have happened since then.

Everyone here who reads anything I write knows that I was formally diagnosed with ADHD in 2021. We're now rapidly approaching the end of 2023: Hard to believe we'll be entering the month of December in not too long.

Back in March I was on academic probation at my community college, trying all kinds of classes here and there, but never making headway. I eventually ended up stumbling across Clinical Research Coordination as a career field and haven't looked back since. I spent the Spring and Summer semesters of 2023 digging myself out of academic probation, and at the end of summer, I submitted my for application to join the academic program at my school.

I should emphasize the significance of this: I haven't found something I'm genuinely interested in studying since 2016. So, the fact that I was interested enough that I worked my ass off to get myself out of probation to be able to apply to the program should tell you something.

Once I crawled out of academic probation, I got this weird and insane idea that maybe, just maybe, I could be an honors student (can you believe it? ME? An honors student? lol) I certainly wouldn't believe it if you'd have told me a year ago. But... somehow, someway, I managed to push my doubts and fears (of embarrassing myself) aside and took the plunge into the honors program. And... surprisingly, I LOVED it.

For the first time in my life, I wasn't only surviving: I was thriving in an academic environment. For most of my life I've been a D-average student. Today, I have a cumulative GPA of nearly 4.0; and, as of this year, I'm also a lifetime member of Phi Theta Kappa. I couldn't believe It: Me, someone who's been on a razors-edge of being kicked out of school multiple times in my life and has had to literally beg administrators to be able to stay in school... me, being invited to join an honors society. Because I was part of the honors program, I got to conduct and write my own research paper (got credit for it from the school too!) about ADHD! Because I joined Phi Theta Kappa, I've had the chance to travel and network with people I would've never met before.

At the beginning of 2023, I was worried about paying for school, covering tuition, fees, and expenses like books and supplies. Today, I'm on multiple scholarships because I've been treating applying for scholarships and writing scholarship essays like a part-time job since the Spring semester (2023). I didn't expect to win... but, as it turns out, when I'm not lost to the brain-fog of ADHD, I can move mountains with my efforts. As of right now, I have 100% of my school expenses being covered by merit-based scholarships: This is something that I always thought that "people like me don't get. It's for others. Those much smarter than me." and yet, here I am: Honors Student, Phi Theta Kappa member, and nearly a 4.0 GPA in college.

It might sound like I'm bragging, but... I'm not. I'm simply writing down the things that have happened to me. It's hard to believe, because I used to be one of those people who was never good at school. Could hardly even pass a class with a C, let alone handle a full-time courseload, with As across the board.

I'm thankful for the opportunities that have come my way, and I'm thankful for the people I've met so far. To think that all of this started with ONE simple decision to seek help for ADHD. There are more things I need to do, of course. But, I think it helps to take a moment and take-stock of the things that have happened over the last year or so.

Until next time, ADHD-fam. Love ya'll.

P.S. Happy (late) thanksgiving if you're in the US.

[interlagosed]

Hi hibs, Ive been wanting to get into writing alot recently, and just wanted to know how you Got started. Your work is literally iconic

Hello!!! I'm so glad you want to get into writing! I'm not sure if you want to know how I got into writing period, or how I got into writing fanfic. I'm going to assume the former :) (also thank you for the compliment!!!)

TLDR, I started writing because my mother invested in my ability to express myself. I kept writing because I couldn't live without it. If you want to start writing, you need to maintain discipline (actually write), write because you want to not because you feel like you have to (from the heart!!), and engage with other written works (reflect as you read).

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. Honestly! I was a voracious reader as a child. My mother was a massive proponent of my reading habit, and she basically gave me book after book to devour. I also watched a lot of cartoons, so I had a massive imagination from a young age. I also, uh, was a maladaptive daydreamer. There were a lot of stressors in my life and in retrospect I have realized that I was a really, really anxious child, so fiction and fantasy offered me a world to escape into. As a result, I think I really did start with writing fanfiction. I used characters from stories and cartoons I loved and created stories in my head involving them and myself!! I was a little self-insert baby LMAO but I don't think there's anything wrong with that! Especially when you're a child, you're your own point of reference, right, necessarily? So I used to put myself in my own stories, whether acting them out on my own with my imaginary friends or drawing art and comics or writing things. (I also really enjoyed converting fictional characters to Islam as a child AKLJGKLAJGLKA fun fact!)

When I got older (like 6 or 7), I asked my mom for writing prompts. I took any opportunity I could to write. This is around the time I think I got into writing non-fiction as well! I LOVED writing persuasive essays (also on prompts my mother would give me, or as part of homework I got for my English or social studies classes). She also really emphasized the importance of reading widely, and I think that's a huge reason my vocabulary expanded as much as it did. She never really stopped me from reading books, no matter the genre, which...in retrospect, maybe not great, LOL, but it did mean I was getting exposed to complex writing and advanced vocabulary very young. She would give me long words and tell me to make shorter words from the letters, buy me tons of logic puzzle books, crosswords, etc, and she actively fended off other adults who were concerned that I was spending too much time on my hobbies and not enough time, idk, doing sports. I really appreciate how much she protected me from other people. She always had complete and utter faith that I would turn out just fine, and that my hobbies (writing, reading, painting, arguing lol) were going to be a huge reason why. Also, she pretty much read everything I read too, so we were able to actually talk about the books I was reading! I think this was huge tbh.

I fell off the writing train for several years, largely because I was suddenly surrounded by people who didn't think my ideas were interesting or complex or worth exploring. I was told my writing was too flowery (I now think that person was just jealous TBH.....), that I wasn't imaginative or novel enough, that I should just stick to writing poetry. So I convinced myself I was a persuasive writer and poet, but nothing beyond that. And there's nothing wrong with that!

Throughout, though, fanfic kept reeling me back in. I was 10? when I wrote and published my first fanfic (GENDERBENDED BEYBLADE), and I wrote on and off ever since - sometimes to publish, but mostly just for myself. Whenever I was dissatisfied or emotional over a book/piece of fiction, I'd let myself write fanfic to process it. I also had original characters that I created with some friends that we would roleplay through and I really do think that helped me understand how to create distinct characters who react to different stimuli in different ways. This is so important!!! And I think the early 2010/2011 tumblr landscape that offered OC tag games REALLY helped with this too. And again, none of this writing was really going anywhere...which was also really key. I was writing to my own satisfaction, no one else's, and I found that I was really critical. Throughout, I was still reading books. So my understanding of what good writing was changed and developed. It never stayed stagnant - and yet there were books I kept coming back to, no matter my age! What was compelling about them? That also really helped me figure out what timelessness in writing might look like.

But I still didn't see myself as a creative writer. I was a poet and an academic writer. Maybe an essayist. But I certainly didn't have the imagination to write original plot. I had been told that enough times my certain people. I believed it. When I wrote fanfiction, it was porn without plot. I could write smut. Really well, too! But that's not the same thing as being a creative writer (this is what I thought - it's not true at all).

It wasn't until March 2021 that I started regularly writing fanfiction to be published again. But it wasn't until late last year, when I started working on Carlando fanfiction, that I actually realized that I might really be a creative writer with the capacity to come up with plot. And now I'm really pissed off because who the fuck was anyone else to say that I wasn't, or that anyone else isn't, a creative writer? Writing is a muscle! No one is born a runner. No one is born an athlete. Some people are predisposed to certain activities and maybe are more naturally talented, but talent atrophies! Talent is useless without discipline! And you don't have to be a childhood savant to be good at something! You can start writing at 4, 11, 18, 25, 32, 40, it doesn't matter, so long as you are disciplined and curious and open-minded and dedicated to the craft, so long as you do it for YOURSELF first and foremost because it's something you enjoy and something that makes your heart happy even when it's difficult, because if you don't write it, you'll always feel like something is missing, because if you don't write it, it doesn't matter who else does: because you didn't write something when you wanted to write it.

Writing is a muscle you exercise. Writing is also an internal compulsion. And it is also an interactive process. If you want to start writing, you need to be able to do all three things:

Be disciplined in writing (not that you need to write a certain way or be organized in a certain way, just that you need to be able to write! period! no matter what! set goals and try your best to meet them! this will help SO much later on)

When you write something, write it because you NEED to, not because other people have told you you should write it or because you want to get views (that's important and it'll come later, but not early on!). Good writing really does come for the heart. It's very obvious when you read writing that isn't heart-felt. And it feels worse when you write something you don't want to write.

Engage with other works. I'm not saying you need to take a pencil to everything you read (though you can and it doesn't hurt lol) but really, reflect as you read! Why did this work? Why didn't it work? What might have made it better? How did it make you feel? And then incorporate all those lessons in your own writing!

Sorry. Wow. This got very autobiographical. And super long. I do not have a degree in English or creative writing. I'm a political scientist and proto-lawyer by training lol.....but I hope this helps anyway!

[burningthetree]

For the Writers Ask Game! I want to hear the answer to so many! Feel free to ignore some of them :) 13, 14, 17, 18, 19, 20 :)

Ahhh I love you, thank you for your interest <3 I rambled a lot and this got so long lmao so it's all under the cut! I couldn't ignore one because you know I love talking lmao

13. What feedback did you receive for your writing that stuck with you?

A classmate at uni read an essay I wrote for one of my classes (I almost failed that class because my professor failed said essay LMAO) and she told me that I should submit my writing to a magazine because my prose was good. My professor also called my prose 'impressive' so that was a huge compliment and I choose to focus on that now lmao.

Something else I often think about is how one of my classmates in high school worked at a radio station and asked me to join him for a discussion on writing. I had to prepare a short excerpt and read it out loud on the radio which was horrible because it almost made me cry because I was terrified LMAO but then it ended up more than fine, and some friends who listened to the program actually reached out to me and told me that they liked my writing – I know this feedback is really simple but I was 14 years old (same age as when I wrote that horrible 1D fic LOL) and it meant the world to me (and the overall experience did, too. Still does.)

Another one: when people told me my writing made them cry. Because it's like, I made you feel things? I caused emotions? What is this wizardry? The made-up story made people tear up? Wild.

Okay lol last one: A friend at uni asked if he could read my fanfiction lmfao and I was so self-conscious about it but I shared it with him anyway, and he texted me as he was reading it and he also gave me feedback in person. It was nothing specific, but just receiving thoughts from someone I know IRL and who enjoyed what I wrote (though he only read four chapters because it was too much lmao and he knew nothing about the fandom) meant SO much to me. Also he appreciated my jokes, and that always gives me a boost in self-confidence. We ended up joking about some aspects, which was also great – it taught me not to always take things to seriously! (And yet here I am overanalysing this lol)

14. What is something that you feel weird/uncomfortable writing about?

Easy. Physical intimacy. Lol. And I don't mean hugging and cuddling and snuggling, because that is more than fine, but as soon as it gets to a further level, I just can't do it. I feel so weird and extremely uncomfortable when trying to write it (and I have tried!) and it just feels so wrong lmao. I know why it's not for me, and I've accepted that it's too hard, I'm too self-conscious, and I admire everyone who has ever written it.

17. Tell us a fun fact about your current WIP.

I have two WIPs so I'll give you two fun facts that might not be 'fun' but it's all I can come up with. Fun fact 1 is that I thought I wouldn't have to do research, but it turns out that I don't know enough English terminology in music that I have to look it up all the time LOL

Fun fact 2 is that I am FINALLY embracing a hyperfixation I have had for three years now so I'm combining that with my other hyperfixation because why not. Pretty sure you can guess at least one of them, but it is amazing to finally write this after thinking about it for so long.

18. Show us a piece of dialogue you really like.

This dialogue is really short and all and it probably makes no sense outside of context but I thought it was super cute when I wrote it and you even pointed it out, so this is it!

"Practise your 'b', Keiji." "Bo." "Yeah?" "I'm p-practising."

19. Show us the line you want readers to remember from your story.

This is so hard. I don't know if I've written any memorable lines LOL uhm. Oh. Maybe the simple "I want to play volleyball." It makes no sense out of context, but in the context of the story, it means a whole lot and I always love to remember last lines in books that I read, so I tried to close my story with a meaningful line as well to round off the entire plot in a way that is satisfying for both me and hopefully the reader lol.

20. Do you have one piece of advice for your fellow writers?

Last year, I was at a workshop where an author (her name is Denise Mina) talked about her writing and gave tips on (crime) writing, and she said this: "If you can tell a story, you can write a story – you just have to write one sentence after the other." That kind of stuck with me, because it's true – so every time I have writer's block and feel like a failure, I try to remind myself of this and, although it doesn't always work, it sometimes does!

Another piece of advice is to write without being afraid of judgment, because there will always be people who judge you, no matter what you do and how you do things. Even authors who have won awards still receive criticism in many ways, and what one person likes isn't what another person likes. What I'm trying to say is that, when writing, you should always aim for what you enjoy, and not think about what others enjoy. That helps me to find actual enjoyment in the writing process, instead of constantly worrying about what other people might think. As long as I'm happy with my writing and my progress, then I've achieved my goal! (This is easier said than done and I'm still mortally afraid of people judging me LOL but it's a good reminder!)

[ruanbaijie]

Merry Christmas!

Yeah I feel the same, it's 2021 and March at the same time lol.

It's still interesting though! Maybe it will be handy at some point, you never know!

My German is horrible lol, it's been a while since I was taking classes!

My Chinese is slowly improving! Definitely can't watch things without English subtitles yet, but I catch words, phrases and sentences I understand some times! I can't really speak it yet, though! Grammatically it's very simple, my biggest issue is the tones and characters for sure. I'm using duolingo and I bought 2 notebooks so I can properly write things down, I've written stuff down already but it was on paper and it doesn't look very pretty lol. I also am rewartching (slowly) Handsome Siblings and writing all the dialogue down so I can learn how conversations work, and even though I've only got a few minutes down, I've already learned new words! It will take time for sure but I think it's worth it, there's only so much duolingo can teach.

I was basically entering my exam period when corona hit. It sucked, it was quite devastating. Because I did drama, there were several plays/pieces we had worked so incredibly hard on, that just had to be scrapped last minute. We wrote essays instead. Of course it was the right thing to do, but the sadness over not being able to complete our work, mixed with getting new assignments and our teachers instantly going on Easter break and not talking to us was.....stressful. It was definitely a rough time! I struggled so hard with my dissertation too! Fun fact, amidst all this was when I watched The Untamed!!! And it was a bit later when I decided to learn Chinese as a hobby!

I also really love Wen Ning and Wen Qing! I couldn't agree more!

My question this time is: what is/are your favourite ship/s, canon or not?

- Sincerely, your Classified Cultivator

hello!! 

ah same I haven’t touched german in... two years?? my textbooks are rotting away and collecting dust... ;-; sigh all the money I spent on those... foreign language textbooks are crazy expensive ugh

oh that’s good! yep chinese grammar is fairly straightforward, at least it doesn’t involve lots of conjugation and exception *cough stares at french cough* and really strict sentence structure *cough stares at german cough* but it’s really all the different characters that make the language difficult... ;n; ohoh you’re actually rewatching the show and copying the dialogue as they go along??? omg that’s real dedication there, I’m guessing it would take quite some time >_< and I realise you’ve got to figure out the stroke order too (although this is usually quite straightforward) hmm... 再接再厉！ᕦ(ò_óˇ)

yeah that sounds really unfortunate ): writing essays are completely different from performing the actual play, it must have been really disappointing (´,_ゝ`) but at least that tough part is over! and wow you found the untamed during that period? 0: at least it was something to hold on and look forward to during that time! d(>_< ) and reallyyyy kudos to you for picking it up as a hobby and still going strong 200+ days later, because I have no stamina when it comes to self-learning languages and in october I was telling myself I would continue self-learning japanese come november, but it’s already december and I... still... haven’t... _(:3」∠)_

ahaha I’m a very unimaginative person, my favourite ships (in mdzs/ cql) are wangxian and songxiao ☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜) wangxian because angst! pain! pining! waiting for 13 (or 16) years! and songxiao because more angst! more pain! (Ｔ▽Ｔ) maybe because I don’t read fics much so I don’t go too much into the non-canon ships, but @/feiyunn draws really gorgeous art of xicheng that make me go oh damn all the time

and that’s it all for now! hope you’re having a great weekend! (the last one of 2020 omg how even)

[thesecretbookstore]

This Week’s Expert Picks

Okay, I must admit, I am biased with this review, but I promise that if you check out the book you will attest to the magic. Last year, with the help of RAW Storytelling & RAW Made, I got to teach an amazing poetry class with amazing people. We took all of their poems and turned them into an incredible book, aptly titled Grammatical Siblings. Flowing with poems about the love/hate relationship with love itself, lingering doubt mixed with passion, falling down and getting back up, this collection has something for just about everyone. Re-reading it now, I am reminded and blown away at the powerful yet approachable poems there within. I couldn't be more proud of these poets. RB

Ryan Buynak is a rock & roll poet and the author of a number of poetry collections. In his latest collaboration, he facilitated a poetry writing workshop in early 2019. Grammatical Siblings documents 8 weeks where 3 students became poets, 1 teacher found his purpose, and 4 people left as lifelong friends.

A graphic anthology of obscure black history for children? Yes, please. Gill fills in lots of holes left by textbooks and historians from black American history. Each biography tells of an ordinary-amazing real person from American history who beat the odds. At once a history book and a push to the reader "Strange Fruit" encourages its readers to "free themselves" from the ropes binding them. Strange Fruit is well written, beautifully illustrated, and very important. Black history is hugely ignored and not well documented and Strange Fruit is a great starter books for kids to learn about important faces from American history. SE

Sarah Elgatian is a writer living in Iowa. She currently spends her days in isolation wondering how long her hair will get before quarantine ends.

I won an advanced copy of this book earlier this year before its March release date and unfortunately finally got around to reading it! From the creators of the podcast Welcome to Night Vale, The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home is the 3rd novel set in the world of Night Vale. The first book Welcome to Night Vale and the second It Devours! delve more into the world of Night Vale. The Faceless Old Woman deals more with a specific character's back story with flashbacks until finally setting in modern-day Night Vale. This book works as a standalone book but you will get more out of it if you previously read the other 2 works or listened to the podcast.

The book focuses on, (you guessed it) the faceless old woman lurking in other’s lives, specifically someone named Craig whom you won’t understand why for most of the book. Much of the book is the old woman retelling the story of her life, tales of swash-buckling pirates, crime, and vengeance ala Count of Monte Cristo. The old woman eventually gets to the present day where we find out why she is faceless, long-living, and so obsessed with this Craig character! It definitely reads more like a novel though it does drag a bit. It’s compelling in areas and like the other preceding books, creative. CJH

Callahan J. Herrig is a writer from Iowa. He is here to tell you more about nothing and less about everything. He owns CallahanCreative.

I’m living in a beachside hostel so I am supposed to be discovering myself or having some kind of profound something or whatever right now, and one of the other houseguests is a Christian and has been encouraging me to read the Bible.

...and it’s like, okay. I’ll give it a try. Is it going to hurt? Is it going to burn me? I’ve done a series of things and events have occurred, should I wear gloves?

Anyway, I haven’t really read all that much yet so I’ll have to get back to you but so far it’s just a bunch of people making their lives way more difficult than they collectively need to be so I’m sure there are some parallels to be drawn there and applied or however they do it. LAW

Lauren is a humorist and owner of both The Secret Bookstore and Paradisiac Publishing. Grab a copy of her latest essay collection if you’re into essay collections and LOL’s.