#looking back at this post i realize i haven’t changed my calendar to november

[medriea]

9/100 days of productivity | 6.11.22

today i had an assignment due for my logic class so i spent a slow day working. not much to say, but maybe that’s a good thing. ♡

⏯️ silver soul, beach house

(click for better quality)

[elitegymnastics]

Q: What is this?

A: It’s a flyer for a virtual fundraiser on June 4th that Elite Gymnastics is playing. You can access the show at quietyear.com

Q: Hasn’t Elite Gymnastics been inactive for like, ten years?

A: Yes. This is the first Elite Gymnastics performance of any kind since November 30th 2012, at the Horn Gallery at Kenyon College in Gambier, Ohio. 

Q: Why did Elite Gymnastics stop playing shows?

A: Elite Gymnastics started out as me (Jaime) and a bunch of my friends agreeing to help me play my songs live back in 2009. I made a lot of weird demos in GarageBand and my friend Dominique Davis from the band Dearling Physique got tired of watching me sit on them. So, he booked me to play at a show he was curating as part of a small local music and arts festival called Clapperclaw. For several months that’s mainly what EG was. At some point the focus shifted to making recordings rather than playing shows, to participate in the emergent culture of new music distributed via MP3 file-sharing. The lineup winnowed to just me and Josh Clancy, who began creating digital EPs that we posted on this Tumblr page as ZIP files full of MP3s accompanied by a PDF of artwork. This is the incarnation of the group that most people are familiar with.

This was before Patreon existed. If Bandcamp was around, we’d never heard of it. Though MP3 file-sharing culture and file transfer sites like MediaFire and MegaUpload allowed anyone to distribute music freely across the world via the internet, it was still pretty difficult to get people to pay you for it. I think it was for this reason that a lot of internet music back then featured a lot of sampling. A lot of artists’ first forays into the world of DAWs and production took the form of mash-ups, bootleg remixes, and DJ mixes. Artists like Animal Collective, MIA, Kanye West, and Daft Punk for whom sampling was a pillar of their creative process were extremely influential. Elite Gymnastics was no exception - the first song of ours to gain traction online was “Is This On Me?” which made no attempt to hide the fact that it heavily sampled Faye Wong’s “Eyes On Me.” The fact that it was so difficult to make money off MP3s pushed people to make different creative decisions than they would have otherwise. It was sort of a free-for-all.

Eventually, all of this started to change. The major labels started getting a lot more aggressive about trying to destroy MP3 file-sharing culture. Platforms like MegaUpload were raided and taken offline. The replacements that sprung up to replace them were increasingly infested with ads and malware. Corporate platforms like YouTube and SoundCloud adopted Content ID filters to prevent the proliferation of copyrighted music there. Blogs and private torrent trackers being taken down meant thousands of hours of labor were wiped out in an instant. Some of the best archives of the history of recorded music ever created were destroyed without hesitation. Even the most devoted participants lost the will to keep repairing and re-making the stuff that cops and record companies kept obliterating.

Josh and I both dreamed of being able to make a living as musicians. We still do. Back then, we were willing to accept a lot of changes in order to make that possible, which seemed necessary. A lot of the stuff that we were great at just didn’t make any money. Once, we were asked to do a remix of a song called “Sa Sa Samoa” by the band Korallreven. I did the remix by myself, which was normal for us, and Josh was so inspired by it that he spent a week working non-stop to create a video for it. People loved it - the day the video dropped, Pitchfork designated the song as a “Best New Track” and New York Magazine wrote about it in their “Approval Matrix.” The video led to a ton of exposure, but from a financial perspective, it just did not make sense to put that much effort into promoting a remix of someone else’s song. The stuff we were personally excited by just seemed to have less and less to do with what actually makes money.

A lot of internet bands during this era began to palpably shapeshift in an effort to succeed in music as a career. Artists who’d first attracted notice for sample-based bangers they made on a laptop started posing with vintage hardware in their press photos and trading in their laptops for live bands and recording studios. It became harder to distribute DJ mixes or mash-ups that contained copyrighted music in them. Influential bloggers either closed up shop or were absorbed into the traditional music industry in some way. Feeds that once touted bizarre songs by laptop-toting weirdos with no industry connections started to become populated mostly by artists with labels and publicists. The bottom rungs of festival lineups started to consist mostly of new major label signings who have lots of money to spend on stage production but not much in the way of grassroots fan enthusiasm or media buzz. 

Internet music and what people tend to refer to as “indie music” split off into two separate streams. Today, there’s a pretty intense firewall between internet culture and whatever you want to call the culture of vinyl records, mid-sized indie labels with publicists, and positive reviews from the few remaining websites that still pay people to write about music. I call it “publicist indie,” “lifestyle techno,” or “prestige electronica” depending on whether or not the music features guitars and/or vocals. The recent online kerfuffle about NFTs really emphasized this split. The worlds of digital illustration and game development campaigned aggressively against mass adoption of cryptocurrency - if you saw any Medium posts explaining crypto’s environmental issues, chances are they were written by someone from those fields. Every new announcement by an artist that they had minted an NFT was met with a swift and vocal backlash from fans. Though I’ve never really been much of an Aphex Twin fan, it was still pretty startling to look at the replies under his NFT announcement tweet and see hundreds of furious people announcing that he was now dead to them. That’s an artist who has seemed more or less unimpeachable for most of my life up until this point! All of that seemed to change in an instant.

There is a massive disconnect between the insular world of the industry establishment and the cutting edge of online counterculture. We saw this again a couple of weeks ago with the online response to the crisis in Gaza. We saw passionate advocacy for Palestinians from games journalists and developers much more often than we saw it from musicians. This is a very serious problem for music! I do not believe it is possible to please both sides - that is to say, I do not believe it is possible to be part of internet counterculture and the industry establishment simultaneously. The music industry is too conservative, too compromised, too corrupt. If it weren’t for the ocean of valuable copyrights that labels are sitting on, most of them would be bankrupt within a year. If the industry was forced to live or die based on how they handle what’s happening right now in the present, it would most assuredly die. The only people who don’t realize this are those who are being paid to stay ignorant. 

Josh and I did not know this back then. From where we were standing, it looked like internet culture and established media industries were on track to converge. A career in the arts seemed genuinely, tantalizingly possible, right up until the moment that it no longer did. 

In my case, I had really been struggling up until that point. My life had been this ongoing sequence of evictions and hospitalizations, and it seemed to be getting worse, not better. I donated plasma twice a week to pay for groceries and while I was sitting there with a giant needle stuck in my left arm for an hour I would see my picture in The Fader or my songs being recommended by one of the Kings of Leon on Twitter or whatever. Music seemed like the only thing the world thought I was any good at. It felt like my only chance at a peaceful, happy life was somewhere out there in a world I could only perceive through a laptop screen. 

Gender, for me, was a big factor in all of this. The more invested in the craft of songwriting I became, the harder it was to repress or ignore my gender stuff. At that time I’m not sure I even knew what the word “transgender” meant - I just knew that when I showed up at a venue wearing a skirt, no one would talk to me or look me in the eye, and that reading about people like Anohni or Terre Thaemlitz or on the internet made me feel like if I could get out of Minneapolis maybe I could find a place where people would accept me. The internet was like, a pretty toxic place for someone in my position. When I tried to find people to talk to about what I was feeling, nobody tried to tell me to read Judith Butler or ask me what pronouns I preferred. The internet was just like, overrun with predators who just wanted to fetishize me and exploit me. Music seemed like the only way I’d ever have an actual life as myself. I was desperate for that. I was well and truly desperate.

Between all the big changes that were happening to us individually and the music industry moving farther and farther away of the anarchic free-for-all of MP3 file-sharing culture, the strain on us just got to be too much. We stopped trusting each other. We became the unstoppable force and the immovable object, crashing haphazardly against one another’s resolve in a dazzling display of youthful futility. Our partnership ended, and after finishing out the remaining live shows on the calendar by myself, I retired the name “Elite Gymnastics” and started making music on my own under other names. That was that.

Q: Why is Elite Gymnastics coming back now, then?

A: Over the years, Josh and I eventually started talking again. Though there was a lot we did agree on, and potential future projects were discussed, nothing truly felt right. We haven’t been in the same room since Summer 2012, and we’ve both changed a lot since then. We both have other projects and we’ve both developed other ways of working since we stopped working together. It’s a pretty big commitment to put all of that aside in order to join your fortunes together with someone you haven’t seen in a decade.

Recently, Josh decided to leave Elite Gymnastics. His reasons are his own, and I was very surprised by his decision, but after having had time to adjust, I’m really grateful to him. I had kept these songs at a distance for many years, because it seemed foolish to allow myself to get too attached to songs I didn’t feel like I was allowed to think of as mine, if that makes any sense. The songs felt like casualties of a conflict that I had to bury in the ground and try to forget about. Being able to embrace them again felt like re-growing a severed limb or having a loved one come back to life, almost. Feeling like it was safe to love these songs again made me feel whole in a way I didn’t expect to. I became really excited by the prospect of revisiting them, so that’s what I decided to do.

Q: Does this mean you’re going to put RUIN back on Spotify?

A: No. Taking the record off Spotify was the right thing to do. That record was only ever intended to exist during the era of MP3 piracy. I never envisioned a world where the music industry would be so aggressive about policing the way that copyrighted music is allowed to exist online. If we hadn’t opted to take the record down when we did, someone would inevitably have forced us to. If you want to hear those specific recordings again, you’re going to have to do it the way we originally intended: by downloading MP3 files from the internet. Try SoulSeek.

Q: What’s next for Elite Gymnastics, then?

A: Here’s the situation currently. There is no Elite Gymnastics music available to stream or purchase in an official capacity anywhere on the internet. It wouldn’t really be possible for me to put the old stuff on Spotify or Bandcamp now because of all the samples. Like I said before, it was a different time. Those records were created to thrive on a past version of the internet that no longer exists. They weren’t designed to be compatible with the 2021 internet.

Technically, Elite Gymnastics didn’t ever release a debut album. We had EPs, a compilation, and a remix collection. We didn’t make an album, a record that existed as the distillation of all that experimentation that contained all of the songs that fans of the EPs would want to hear, all in one place. It’s like we did Good Fridays but stopped before we made My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.

So, I am currently working on the first Elite Gymnastics album. If you were following my stuff as Default Genders, you may have noticed me posting demos on my SoundCloud page from 2015-2018 that were all eventually reworked into the album Main Pop Girl 2019. The album I am making is taking that approach to all the old EG songs, including some unreleased stuff. I’m collaborating with others on some songs and I honestly feel like it has resulted in some of the best and most exciting music I have ever been involved with. It is a drastic reinvention, but iteration and reinvention have always been a big part of what I do. I want to make something that feels like the culmination of everything that came before, and so far, I think I’m succeeding.

Q: When will I be able to hear this new music?

At a virtual fundraiser on June 4th, 2021, where there is a suggested donation of $10. You can access it at quietyear.com

[thecarnivorouskitten]

A Totally Out-of-Style Work that Probably Shouldn’t be my First Post

               It was a rainy day, a cold and blustery morning in late November. London Birminghem was burrowing through a dresser drawer for her wool socks.

               It was a frustrating situation, as she had been searching for nearly ten minutes. She was running late by her self-appointed schedule. It was 10:08 a.m.; her schedule said she was supposed to be at the Thomas J. Matthews Library in seven minutes, and it took her fifteen minutes by bus to get there.

Over half the contents of London’s sock drawer had been thrown about her room in her search, and she was beginning to wonder if warm feet were truly worth straying from her flawless schedule. She had spent a long time ordering her calendar, and hated to see her hard work wasted. She muttered a curse under her breath, snatching a pair of plain socks and stumbling to her bed to yank them onto her feet.

She almost didn’t bother to lock the door behind her as she swept outside, hunching her shoulders inside her black coat to ward off the chill of the frigid rain. The 10:15 bus would be arriving at the bus stop any minute. London leaned into a jog, dark hair whipping around her face. She could not miss the bus.

She did not. Whatever higher power there was in the world seemed to have some pity for her. She wiped her hair out of her hazel eyes and grabbed onto a handle on the ceiling.

The Thomas J. Matthews Library was not an impressive building, contrary to its name. It was a plain, one-story building, brown brick with a minimum number of windows. London checked the time. 10:33. She frowned, licked rainwater off of her lips, and hurried into the library.

Warm air smelling of books and cleaner met her, and as London’s shoes squeaked on the floor, the librarian at the front desk fluttered his fingers in a wave.

Mordecai Solace seemed to be the only librarian who worked there. He was in his fifties or sixties, London couldn’t be sure and didn’t ask, and had white hairs patching his short black beard. His eyes were the color of strong espresso, a shade darker than his skin, and he had crow’s feet wrinkling the corners.

“I was wondering if you would make it today,” He greeted her cheerfully. “Was it the rain that got you running late?”

London nodded offhandedly, not about to admit she had spent ten minutes searching for a pair of lost socks, and decided to change the subject. “How’ve you been, Mr. Solace? Any gruesome book returns?”

“No, no.” Mordecai shook his head, smile fading. “You’ve been the only visitor for two weeks. I did, however, get a donation of several books that I have been told are in good condition that you might be interested in.”

London grinned. “Let’s take a look, why don’t we?”

Bracing his hand on the front desk’s surface, Mordecai got to his feet, beckoning London over. She flung her coat onto the rack and paced behind the counter, dropping her bag.

Mr. Solace drew out a cardboard box from the shelf beneath the counter, setting it down with a heavy thump. His eyes sparkled, and he patted the folded flaps on top. “I haven’t looked through these yet,” He muttered, “But they came from a rather eccentric donator, so I don’t know what we’ll find.”

“C’mon then.” London reached out and tugged the box open.

There were only a few, maybe six, but they all looked old. Most were bound in fabric, although London could see two bound in leather. Gingerly, she took a leather-bound book and pulled it out from under another. Rubbing a coat of dust from the surface, she ran her fingertips over the title. Tales of thee Unseene, Unhearde, and Unspeakable.

“This looks intriguing,” London murmured, moving a finger to crack the cover when Mordecai snatched it from her grasp. She stared at the man, bewildered to find his hands trembling.

His eyes, full of dread, roved along the cover, fingers brushing against the stiff leather, jaw quivering. London tentatively stretched out a hand, resting it on his shoulder. Mordecai jumped, seemed to remember she was there, and set the book down hard on the desk. “This book isn’t suited to our library. I’ll do away with it when you leave.”

London shook her head in confusion. “I could just take it. I’d hate for a book to go to wa-”

“No,” Mordecai hissed, and London’s eyes widened in shock at the hoarseness of his voice. “No one may read this book. Do not read this book, do you understand?”

No, London did not understand. But she had grown close to older man in her years going to the Thomas J. Matthews Library, and would respect his wishes. She nodded quickly. “I won’t, Mr. Solace. I promise you.”

Mordecai nodded, slowly, seemingly lost in his thoughts again, fingers fluttering against nothing. From the other end of library, the grandfather clock he had salvaged from the side of the road chimed the turn of the hour, echoing lowly through the rows of books like shadows. London checked the time on her phone in surprise. Surely, she couldn’t have been there for half an hour already? Yet she had, and therefore she needed to go.

“I’ve got to go, Mr. Solace. I’m almost late for lunch.” London picked up her bag from the floor and threw it over her shoulder, looking back at Mordecai for his reaction, but still he stared into nothing, expressionless. She frowned, but the thought of her schedule drew her toward the door and the weather outside.

It was a long day, out and about in the city, and at 9:30, London was exhausted and glad to get home. She dropped her bag off in her room and took a hot shower, microwaving a can of chicken soup for her dinner before going straight to her room.

She was so tired she tripped over her discarded bag. She hopped in pain for a minute, hissing, when she realized she had not known what there was in the bag that was hard enough to stub her toe on. She bent, reached into the bag, and pulled on the hard object.

It was the book. The book. How had it ended up in her bag? Hadn’t Mr. Solace set it on the desk? But she hadn’t put it there, which meant he would have had to. Which meant… He did want her to read it after all?

It was strange, she thought as she settled into her blankets and opened the book, how the older man had acted that day. But what did it matter now? She would meet him again next week, same time, and everything would be fine…

Before she had even gotten to the right page, London fell asleep. Her breathing grew slow and deep, her body relaxing into the mattress.

Her bedside light was still on when it began to happen.

A tiny sprout, dark green and twining, curled up out of the binding of the book. Then another, and another, and the sprouts that were already there began to lengthen and swell with leaves, creeping along the page and then over the edge of the book. They were hungry, whispering things, snaking up London’s arm to bloom along her face in a dark mask of leaves until not a patch of her skin could be seen. Her hands jolted once, then lay still.

But the vines were not finished. From the center of the open book came the tearing of paper, and a cold, dank must filled the room as a dark hole bloomed from the leaf-choked book.

For a moment that seemed to stretch for eternity, the hole yawned, still and dark.

And then two long antennae appeared, followed by impossibly many twitching legs, and the first insect crawled out in a rippling of spidery limbs and wispy trembling of threadlike antennae. Whispering from behind it came a horde of the centipedes, glistening in the lamplight and dripping from the bed like water, crawling along the walls and searching for a way out into the world. From the ever-expanding hole of the book came a guttural call, low and wet.

A skeletal, broken hand gripped the edge of the hole, and out peered the skull of a wolf, gleaming with an unidentifiable slime.  The jawbone clacked, the empty sockets hollow as it dragged itself free from its prison of pages before reaching back inside, helping forth another grisly creature from the dark, and more came until the room was crowded with the clicking of bones and murmurs of insect legs. One found the window, and the shattering of glass splintered the night. Skulls grinned at the opening, and centipedes found the opening, swarming out with the creatures.

When a howl pierced the air of Mordecai’s home, he shuddered, closing his eyes. He should have never have written the book. He would never write again; he would end his curse, not bring more evil to the world.

The ghouls would be arriving soon, to come to their master. What would he tell them? If he said anything that would not please them, they would turn.

There was a scrape at the door. A wolfish skull leered in his window, and a pale, bony hand tapped the glass.

Mordecai stared into the sockets where its eyes should have been, regretting everything.

He had warned her about the book. Now it was too late.

[queeniepars]

Nothing has changed.Or maybe not?

January 14, 2018 (7:17 pm)

Before new year, our teacher told us to write about our lessons for the past year. I was thinking about posting this while we're all celebrating the new year but I ended up not posting it beacuse I haven't made any. To be honest I don't know what I'm going to write. I don't even know what I did the past year. But upon observing my environment this night I realized everything changes little by little.

January 1, 2017

My third or fourth new year that I spend with my family. Maybe you're wondering why. It's because I mostly spend my new years and christmas with my relatives and go home in the morning. I remember my grandmother saying "O isang taon kitang hindi nakita". I used to argue about that topic. I was too young to realize that it was meant to be a joke. So back to my January 1st, I barely remember what I did that day but one thing is for sure. I dance crazily that I barely knew who I really was.

Febuary 2017

I don't remember what the exact date is but maybe it was before valentine's day or maybe  during or after? I don't remeber. My english teacher told us to write about valentines and I'm like the most bitter person I know hahaha. I was like Dear Bondpaper instead writing a name of a person. I didn't really think about valentines beacuse my letter is all about my dreams in summer which I find really hilarious.

Oh and my mother's birthday was also in February only it was on the 29th which was absent in the 2017 calendar. But being the forgetful me I don't even remember whay i brought during my mom's birthday. Maybe it was cake. I don't know.

In the middle of February and March 2017

I just wrote this date because im not so sure if this happened in the last week of February or the first week in March. Well going back to the topic. One of my classmates was supposed to have a surprise for a special someone obviously. Back then, I realized I was sooo outdated in teenage. But I still don't force myself to engage on things that I know that I'm still not yet ready.

March 2017

I was invited to someone's birthday and I was like "Uy talaga ililibre mo ako?" Hahaha that was really epic. I knew that we were close but not as close to the point for me to be expecting for me to be treated by that person. Anyway that was really FULLfilling. Literally.

March also the month when we're all totally over grade 9 and being ready for a whole new challenge. I was awarded and received medal for being in the honors. At that time I saw my parents' eyes sparkle after I was demoted.

April and May 2017

I just joined these months because nothing really special happened. It's summer but we didn't have the time to have vacation. I wanted to do summer job but my parents won't let me. They wanted me to have tutoring classes but I refused beacuse i wanted to enjoy my summer.

June 2017

 Classes again, but this time I'm in grade ten a step closer to senior high school. The first two weeks of classes was really a mess because there are soooooo many complains about the sectioning. "Eh kesyo bakit daw kasi ganito ganyan" like really? Can't you be just happy that you're in the science section. We all have the same opportunities that regular sections don't have yet you're still complaing.

Then after how many days a bew set of section was made. We are all arranged by average which was not the school policy and definitely not the process of promotion and demotion as said by my classmate. So going back to our class. Many of us were devastated. Many cried even the people who are least expected to cry. We saw unity in our section when we petitioned. We are just there sitting in the guidance office waiting for any updates and a day after we won but 3 of our classmates stayed in the gold section.

July 2017

Nothing really happened. It was my friend's birthday we had fun. Some of them drink soju but I was not there because I came home early.

August 2017

My father's birthday. I shouldn't broughthim a cale because he didn't even had a bite it was just me and my mother who finished it.

September 2017

My sister's birthday that I've been talking about in my last blog. She's a year older but still the innocent little sister I know. Nothing really changed at her except for the fact that she grew taller and bigger. I just don't want to talk more about her because I don't want to be sentimental as much as possible in this blog. Enough for the dramas that we had in the last blog.

October 2017

My grandfather's birthday. We didn't really celebrated it though. It was just for the family. A small gathering that is really fulfilling.

November 2017

My birthday. A lot of things happened before my birthday but I think it's too personal to share. Though I wanted it but I can't for the privacy of me and my friends. Let's jusy say that it is a month that we almost had an end to our friendship but gladly it didn't happen.

December 2017

If you want a summary of my December better read my last blog. My brain cells just can't retell a story. Charot. Im just trying to promote my blog. 😂😂

January 14, 2017 (9:01 pm)

So yeah that's the summary of my whole year. I can't really tell what changed because it's just 2 weeks since a new year start but as for the lessons? Maybe it was more of a realization for my year. I realized that I shouldn't be too impulsive at times. Not to devide when I'm angry. Be more showy (for my parents which I absolutely didn't know when was the last time I said I love you to them. I pity myself.) Be more responsible and less spontaneous which I really am for most of the time.

For the thing that I look forward this year is of course my Senior High School. Many inspirations. Charot. My friends to keep in touch because I know we're going to different schools. Good grades of course. My better pesonality. And many more that I cannot pinpoint and a little personal for me to share.

[gritcitywallflower]

February 6th, 2019

I woke up angry. I woke up first in the middle night anxious, feeling that gripping anxiety after dreaming stressful dreams where I was smoking (of all things). I dreamed of being in strange woman’s one-room studio in what I think was a strange country where I lit up cigarette after cigarette, and where she came back with a man who tried to attack her and I didn’t realize or try to help until she’d already broken away from him. I dreamed of hiding, although I'm not sure now from what.

But I woke up angry. So angry at you over this. I’m angry because I think you’re lying to me out of some attempt to spare my feelings when it’s really not helping because it makes no sense. I’m angry because something suddenly changed and you aren’t saying what it was. I’m angry about the discrepancy of only a few weeks ago when you were here all weekend. And I'm so, so angry that you are taking everything I had to look forward to away from me. I want to tell you exactly what it is you’re doing to me and my life. I want to tell you that you’re taking away the only social life I had, the only times I spent with anyone besides my kids, the only person who has held me without wanting anything for almost 20 years, if I include abusers in that than we have to go back even farther. I want to tell you about the isolation you’re sending me back to, to point out that nobody calls me and I have never gone anywhere with anyone in the time you’ve known me. That the only “girls’ night” I've ever had was two weeks ago. You’re sending me back to being completely alone again, and for whatever the reason, legitimate or fabricated, I hate you for it right now. And, of course, I can’t tell you any of that. Because as much as I want to yell in your face all the damage you’re doing, I wouldn’t want you to feel you had to stay out of guilt or pity.

I recognize you are doing what is right for you, for whatever your real reason for quitting is, you’re doing what you feel you need to for you. That you can’t be responsible for me and my life or feelings. But it doesn’t make me any less angry or hate you any less right now. I think there’s a cliché about love and hate being very close emotions, the line between them or something. Thing about clichés, they wouldn’t have become them if they weren’t so true.  

I look back at yesterday’s big dose of denial. And bargaining. Big ‘ol dose of it. Thinking about how it could actually still work. Thinking that maybe you’re actually thinking about trying to figure something out. All of that is such bullshit. Of course, you’re not. Of course, you’re not. Of course, you said whatever was necessary to leave here Saturday without too much boat rocking. Of course, you said whatever seemed reasonable just to leave unscathed and with me smiling. Was that what that last blast was? Placating me? Last night I went to bed thinking that if you decided to stay I'd tell you everything, show you all the scars and let you see the warts to see if you’d leave. I feel so foolish and stupid for even thinking that. Why would I think you were coming back? I’m sure the farther away this gets the more relief you’ll feel. I can clearly picture you shaking your head and thinking this is for the best.  

Is it my age? Did you suddenly realize you were with someone you couldn’t possibly see a future with and if not, then, what’s the point? I know, I’ve been there. Woken up one morning and just thought, I can’t. I’ve never been on the receiving end, and while I can cerebrally understand, it doesn’t change how angry it makes me. You knew my age before we ever slept together.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup  

I told Q. He’s always very encouraging and supportive. I’m still angry though. I’m still left with “you don’t just give something up that’s meaningful to you”. I did something potentially self-destructive and downloaded all of our text messages. We really were funny. I was way more entertaining back then, and you were way more engaged. July through November, nearly 4 months. Almost half of our text messages were from before we even slept together, which I think shows the level of involvement we were already at with each other. I know you’re busy, but how do you just let that go? Because you’ve lost interest. I can’t help but wonder if I’d had a better January, if December hadn’t started a down-hill slide, if I'd been as engaging and entertaining as I’d been in the summer, maybe you wouldn’t have lost interest at this point. I just...I didn’t get it in during the window. If I’d just had another month before December. Maybe a few more weeks and you’d have been sold enough to want to stay even if it was harder.

Some acknowledgment that you read my email would be nice.

Guess what...I just registered for my first volunteer session with King County, and it’s even a “buyback” which is what they call their rehabs! I feel just a tiny bit better that I can do that. It's close by, in Federal Way, and is a rehab, which is what we worked on, and nobody knows me. Nobody will ask questions and there is absolutely no chance of running into you. I feel just a little lighter knowing I don’t have to lose my build time. I had thought I’d go out to the other site, but right now it’s still a little too close for comfort. Plus, there will be questions about why I’m not at your site. Also, I think there has to have been some whispers about the two of us at this point. I think I’ve shown up with you enough times that it had to have raised some eyebrows or at least some gossip. Probably showing up at 10pm at YWCA to help clean up had to have made J and A wonder why we were together that late at night and still in our work clothes. The Saturday I registered for is one that your sites aren’t even open, so that works out really well. I can’t see on your site's calendar past the end of February, but maybe by March I’ll feel well enough to go back to the other site. I’ll have to keep checking KC, but they don’t always have much on the calendar for construction on Saturdays, and I don’t want to drive to very far. When I looked at the calendar a week and a half ago, there was nothing close by, no buy-backs at all. Today there is only stuff posted for the next few Saturdays. I noticed on the local calendar that your site isn’t open this weekend, and isn’t available for sign up the last week of February. I wonder if you’re going somewhere. You never mentioned it, but then you wouldn’t have thought to unless I’d directly asked about something during that time frame.

What am I gonna do with these hockey tickets.

My first therapy session is this afternoon. And it can’t come soon enough. I’m basically useless with everything right now. I don’t think today will be some magic fix, but I haven’t had anyone to talk to about this really and I’m just starving for it. I wonder what you’d think if you knew that I got so desperate for someone to talk to and listen to me that I decided I’d pay a person to do it. Would you feel a little bit worse that you never knew how completely alone I felt while dating you? I think you might feel even more justified that you can’t be more of what I need. Thing is, I really shouldn’t *need* that. I mean, a support system is one thing, I think everyone could use one – not that I’ve really ever had much of one – I mean, I think you should be able to lean a bit on the person you’re dating and maybe that’s the problem with texting, it doesn’t convey the emotion you’re feeling and doesn’t allow the back and forth. Maybe we should’ve talked on the phone more. Sweetpea and her man did all the time when she was still here.

[thestickchick]

2017 was a banner year for the Stick Chick in the martial arts.  Here's an overview of what I did, month by month.  I'll just cover the "big" stuff, not the daily ins-and-outs of acquiring bruises for funsies.

JANUARY

January started off right as we knuckled down to prepare our black belt candidates for their test later in the year. I attended the monthly Kobudo program class, and  I attended a Texas Modern Arnis Coalition (TMAC) gathering in Houston. We also got to go to the Johnson Space Center while we were there, which was really fun.

New blog posts made in this month can be found HERE. 

Me at TMAC in Houston, with Sal Todaro teaching.

FEBRUARY

Outside of all the normal stuff - teaching at Mid-Cities Arnis, attending Presas Arnis classes at Hidden Sword, and Kobudo - it was a light month. We had a women's self defense session at Mid-Cities Arnis, but this was one of the few months I wasn't running around like a chicken with my head cut off!

New blog posts made in this month can be found HERE. 

Teaching sinawali is SERIOUS BIZNASS.

MARCH

Started the month off right by attending the World Modern Arnis Alliance first-ever Texas camp here in town, with Datu Tim Hartman, which was awesome.   Hidden Sword was a participant at our AKATO seminar and we put on a demo, which is a first for us.

New blog posts made in the month can be found HERE.

Me beating on children, as is my wont.

APRIL

We started the month with MAPA11!  Later that month, we held our school's first ever FORMAL Presas Arnis Black Belt Test (remember, Mr. Chick and I were secretly tested and promoted).  We promoted two people to Lakan Isa (one adult, one junior) and Mr. Chick and I were promoted to our 2nd degree black belt ranks (Lakan Dalawa and Dayang Dalawa). 

New blog posts in this month can be found HERE.

Hidden Sword's Black Belts (center is our instructor, Mark Lynn)

MAY

Super busy, as we hosted the Stick & Steel Seminar with GM Art Miraflor and Professor Dan Anderson (which ROCKED). Then I attended a Paiho form (White Crane Kung Fu) and Eku seminar by Shihan Dean Chapman down in Waco. We taught another women's self defense session, and I helped out with my teacher's Arnis Instructor's program.  I remember this month as being CRAZY!

New blog posts for this month can be found HERE.

Dan Anderson using me as uke, which was a real honor, by the way.  I love it when I get picked!

JUNE

HUGE month.  The beginning of summer is always busy when you have kids and family in, right? We competed at the Monica Lopez tournament (yours truly took 3rd).  We taught women's self defense, but the big event was my teacher and I attending the Ernesto Presas Legacy Camp in Colorado.  I got to meet TONS of amazing people, learned so very much, and the ramifications of the friendships made there are still being played out.  Great camp!

New posts on the blog can be found HERE.

Attendees and Instructors at the Ernesto Presas Legacy Camp. I think I'm the only female in this picture (really).

JULY

Went to Lawton, OK with my friends at Shotokan Karate of Lawton to teach them Anyos (and for them to intro me to sparring) to start off the month.  Then, I got to attend a fantaboulous two-day seminar by Rich Parsons in Balintawak, which ROCKED!

New blog posts from this month can be found HERE.

Rich explains that I can't just punch people in the face all willy-nilly like.  Spoilsport.

AUGUST

My student competed at a tournament (I volunteered as a ring judge this time around) and did really well.  We taught another women's self defense session.  And I did get to see some of that neat-o eclipse.  A good month, a little less hectic than normal, but I do recall that it was in August that I knuckled down and started nearly-daily kobudo practice, which really paid off in the end.  And oh, I turned - gulp - 49 years old. Gaaah.

New blog posts from the month can be found HERE.

Me & other ring judges from the tournament.

SEPTEMBER

Not as hectic as summer was!  As y'all may remember, Texas was hit hard by Hurricane Harvey. Although I was far from any problems up here in Fort Worth, lots of my martial arts friends were affected by the storm. Thus, we dedicated funds from MAPA 12 to Harvey Relief, and we ended up donating $605.00 to the Hurricane Harvey Relief Fund.  A great seminar!

New blog posts from this month can be found HERE.

The badasses of MAPA 12.

OCTOBER

Relatively normal month, except we got to go down to Bryant, Texas (and dang, it was hot!) for our second TMAC (Texas Modern Arnis Coalition) gathering.  So fun!  I love TMAC!  Practiced my rear off in kobudo, though!

New posts from this month can be found HERE.

I can hit with a big stick, too!

NOVEMBER

My original Arnis/Ryukyu Kempo teacher from Memphis (David Jones) came in to town and we got to train with him for a night and it was great.  I miss him so much! Oh, and I might have finally earned my shodan rank in Kobudo after three years.  I also got to go on a trip to my home town and see lots of friends from days gone by.  A pretty awesome month overall.

Posts from this month can be found HERE.

I'm in the front row, third from the right. And I haven't worn my white gi since.

DECEMBER

Like most years, December was a relatively light month training-wise, but it was still busy.  I got my new nunchaku I bought myself for my black belt present. We promoted our green belts to blue belts at Mid-Cities Arnis. I helped my teacher examine and promote participants in his Presas Arnis Instructor's course (and saw some really sharp people in the bargain).  Taught the last women's self defense course of the year.  Went to Trinity Treetops Adventure Park (which was a blast). 

New posts from this month can be found HERE.

Our new Blue Belts at Mid-Cities Arnis.

2017 wasn't as busy as 2016 was, but it was still a year of some pretty important milestones for me, personally.  When you write a post like this, and you look at the calendar, and at all the pictures and Facebook events and social media posts, you realize just how much this little weird hobby of ours can take up so much of your time and your life.  2017 marked my 9th anniversary in the martial arts, and I had no idea, back then, how important this would be to me in the future.  No idea at all!

I recommend that you take the time to review YOUR year in the martial arts, note all that you did, what you didn't, celebrate your accomplishments, and make some new and cool goals to achieve next year.

I'm very happy and excited about the people I met and trained with and the new connections and relationships I made. That's one of the biggest gifts we in the martial arts community get, and I don't think we celebrate it enough.

To all of you who taught me, trained with me, learned from me, communicated with me, shared my blog content or interacted with me online... thank you.

2018 is going to be a big year of changes for yours truly (and my family, as my oldest daughter is graduating from high school). Some of the coming changes I can't share yet, but when I can, I will.  I'll still be doing Presas Arnis, and Kobudo (I start the kama class in January), and I've already got a schedule of seminars I'll be attending up up through the first half of the year that I know of (and I'm sure I'll get booked for lots more, as that's just how I roll, y'all).

I hope your 2017 was fantastic, and your 2018 is even better.

[todaysbiggesthits]

The Exam

Best Music Moment of 2017:

Code: dancing out the entire wedding reception playlist with my best girl on an empty concrete slab on a breezy texas night

BC: -The absolute stellar dance party at Codemin’s Wedding; most notably:

     “Carol” by The Rolling Stones

     “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode

     “Crystal” by New Order

-OK Computer’s 20th Anniversary and the listening/reflection that came with it -My four year old, Emmett, learning “Maps” on the drums pretty much on his own

JD: February: Watching the “Emotional Rescue” scene in A Bigger Splash:

March: Seeing Stop Making Sense on the big screen at my favorite theater with m’gal and a David Byrne Q&A after the screening. April: The dance party of a lifetime at Code and Arden’s wedding. November: Watching Parquet Courts play “You’ve Got Me Wondering Now” for the first time in years.

C: "Born to Run" at a good friend's, Brian Ferguson's, wedding.

Nasty: This playing at the end of Leftovers Season 3, Ep 5 - "The Most Powerful Man in the World"

Bronco: Sitting on my back porch with Brenny, sipping down some delicious whiskey drinks and listening to the new Mastodon on a surprisingly unshitty Amazon bluetooth speaker. Watching his face on the breakdown in Jaguar God was quite entertaining. Also listening to the Squalus album (the metal interpretation of Jaws) with the kids, my oldest asking what it was, and him saying he wants to watch Jaws now. He was especially fascinated by the USS Indianapolis part of the story.

Laser: This 

Chap: My 17 has been dominated by the two new ladies in my life. I made this mix for them:

and played it for them on random the morning they were born. This was the first song that came on:

and I finally broke down with emotion after the 36 hour experience while holding one of them while this song was playing:

Best Shows Seen in 2017:

BC: This first 60 seconds of this:

Nasty: Future Islands & Action Bronson

Larse: Future Islands with Maddie, Nasty, and Sam; Action Bronson at The Rave - pretty sure I got a contact high just from being in the show

C: War on Drugs

Bronco: Mastodon

Codem: lvl up - beat kitchen kitten forever - subterranean downstairs ovlov - beat kitchen pqc - the bottle girlpool - logan square auditorium moving units’ joy division cover set - the bottle PAWS - cobra lounge a. savage - the bottle pictureplane

JD: 1. William Basinski and Julianna Barwick at National Sawdust 2. No Age at Elsewhere 3. Parquet Courts and B-Boys at Elsewhere 4. Liars at Warsaw 5. Deerhunter and Eleanor Friedberger performing while Bradford Cox painted her portrait onstage at Warsaw 6. LCD Soundsystem at Brooklyn Steel 7. Yo La Tengo in Central Park 8. Andrew WK at Warsaw 9. Vince Staples at Panorama Fest 10. Wire at Baby’s All Right 11. Vagabon at Brooklyn Bazaar

Confession of 2017:

Bronco: I listened to the New Kids On The Block offering of 2017 "Thankful" (it was fucking terrible).

C: Still haven’t listened to LCD Soundsystem

Code: -knowing the backstory, the mount eerie album was probably the best album i heard this year, but it was too dang sad to listen to more than a handful of times. -i still loved that brand new song despite the lead cat being a creep. -i thought that this year was pretty rough for music, but my tune changed after looking back through my top tracks.  maybe there were just so few full albums that i liked? -i fast fwd'd through every SNL musical guest this calendar year, but i did catch the tom petty tribute from the vegas countrymin. 

BC: I don’t hate that objectively awful Chainsmokers/Coldplay song because it reminds me of this year’s BOB since Creevey played it every twenty minutes for 36 holes.

Larson: Listened to more rap this year than I think I have in past years; must be Nasty's Lincoln influence!

Nasty: I listened to more podcasts than music in 17.

Biggest Disappointment of 2017:

Laser: LCD Soundsystem

Codem: -no chromatics this year. -the two lcd shows that i saw this year.

Chap: The albums. I would not be shocked if I didn't listen to any of my top 15 all the way through after today.

Bin: DJT

JD: Mondanile

BC: Real Estate.  I think they need to invite the perv back into the band.

Bronco: Bison, Monolord, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, And So I Watch You From Afar. They all put out albums this year, and I've like their stuff in the past, but they did little to nothing for me this time around.

Most Overrated of 2017:

Codem: slowdive, but also twod and japanese breakfast

Bin: Bodak Yellow / Cardi B

Larse: LCD Soundsystem

Bronco: -Pallbearer - just don't like the guy's voice, and though they're slow as shit, there's no good riffs or anything to connect with for me. -Code Orange - hardcore band that I just don't get. One of those 'motherfucker I'm the best!' type super close to being alt-right supremecy type bands even though they're probably completely against it. They're at the top of most metal lists this year. I've given them 4-5 spins, most in reaction to the praise they're getting, but I just don't get it. -Royal Thunder - just one big case of blue balls. All of their songs seemingly build toward a climax that never happens. It's just so blech.

JD: Did the music press even treat anything as a lasting work of art and not ephemeral content to get through a week or two of famous personality driven clicks? King Krule? 

BC: Lorde, I think?  I mean, that album’s gotten a lot of love this year and I thought the lead single – “Green Light” – was hot garbage. It spawned a conspiracy theory in my mind that Taylor Swift was proactively influencing and then purposefully sabotaging the work of her close friends (see Lorde, Haim, et al).

Make it Stop 2017

Bronco: Sex monsters. Can we just take all white dudes in powerful positions, assume they've sexually assaulted at least one person, imprison them, and move on? We could take everything they have, give it all to Native American tribes, then force them to walk their own trail of tears to live out their lives in the desserts of New Mexico, and force them to build the wall, but it would just be a wall around their sad sex monster reservation.

Also, Taylor Swift.

Nasty: I didn't have the luxury of expending any real hate on music this year... which I'm just now recognizing as a bad thing.

JD: -Unceasing sadness and anxiety about the present and future. -Jack Antonoff

BC: Life on this planet.

Code: any rap station that i hear in an uber. that cardi b song was playing every time i caught a cab at 5:30 a.m. to play golf.

Larson: U2

Biggest TBH Regret of 2017:

BC: Not seeing NIN at RiotFest

Larson: Skipping the Car Seat Headrest show at Summerfest because I could tell Maddie didn't want to leave Jonas' party (party was fun, so not a real loss, just wish I would have seen the show).

Nasty: Not even giving new artists a chance. I'll listen to an average album from The National 10x's before I give someone new a shot.

Codebreaker: not having an opportunity to karaoke badu's tyrone

JD: -Had the worst fever of my life during LCD and could only manage standing in the back shivering. -Forgetting to go see Dinner at Baby’s All Right. -Not enough time with Bjork, Miguel, and Blanck Mass. 

Bronco: Fucked up the family calendar maintenance and ended up not being able to see the Toadies and Local H. I was pissed at my wife, but it wasn't the end of the world. I haven't listened to either in forever, and the listen I gave to the Toadies latest offering didn't knock my socks off. It was really just for nostalgic purposes. Still it sucked to have to miss it despite my best efforts to bring it to her attention multiple times.

Detective Murtaugh of 2017:

NACK: I had two separate opportunities to see LCD, and just didn't feel like putting in the effort. Was going to put this as a regret, but I don't regret it.

Code: i skipped 7 shows that i had tickets for and left 6 shows early. two shows i left early due to brightness of lights.  mmmmmnhh

JD: Couldn’t hear for 18 hours after No Age. Needed two Tylenol for the headache I gave myself during “You’ve Got Me Wondering Now” at PQ Quartz.

BC: Having no idea who either the SNL host or the musical guest was for three straight weeks.  Tiffany Haddish? Saoirse Ronan? SZA? I’m too old for this shit…

Nasty: Carson, Maddie, Sam and I went to watch the IU game this weekend with one of Carson's co-workers (an IU grad) who is 23.... I got rolling on a rant about how important it is to enjoy your 20s because after the impending onslaught of weddings and babies life basically isn't any fun anymore. Suspect it was a little too impassioned by the end.

Bronco: I was enrolled in a three month coding bootcamp to learn Web Development. Aside from the two older ladies (50+) and the weird Brazilian idiot (45+), I was the oldest person in the room by probably an average of 13 years. They are all for the most part life-pivoting in to the dev world and they all have all the time in the world to learn new shit, do whatever they want, whenever they want...goddamnit I miss that. So maybe this is my "too married and fathered for this shit" section of the exam.

C: Wife’s Pregnancy

Laser: Every time I wake up with a fucking hangover and tell myself that I’m not gonna drink like that again only to get back on the saddle the next available opportunity.

Resolution for 2017 Update:

BC: Put a goddamn band together. How it went: 

C: Check out some jazz/blues in Chicago. How it went: FAILED

Larson:  Focus on the shit I really care about instead of trying to listen to everything posted on the thread…I’m just going to have to be honest with myself and realize I ain’t got time for all this media! How it went: Terrible; found myself listening to Timeless Pop Rock hits playlist more than anything else.

Chap: Check out more of the recommendations on the TBH thread. Try to organize get-togethers around TWO shows. How it went: Actually not bad. I had a few solid period during nap times when I didn't feel like working. I think I was able to listen to every album I wanted to at least once.

Code: make concerted effort to listen to music that i liked in previous years in addition to music from the current year. How it went: i nailed my resolution, as i devoted four full months to the grateful dead and it was the best musical trimester of the year for me. it was really interesting to watch all of the new music pile up and never once feeling compelled to listen to something else. god damn did the '77 version of the band have it all figured out. i could listen to any uptown mississippi halfstep toodeloo from that year at any time.

Bronco: Learn the guitar. I’ve been fooling around with Rocksmith (guitar hero with real guitar) and I want to push myself to execute the more complex chords, not just stick to the powerchord simple songs like Blitzkrieg Bop, and start learning how to build and execute a solo. I also want to distill my own whiskey, build a garden shed from scratch, and learn to code. How it went: I haven't quite mastered the guitar, but I can play a few songs fairly well. I did not start working on my own whiskey or build a garden shed from scratch...yet. But I did learn to code. I am now at conversational levels of fluency with Javascript and at "donde es el bano" levels with Ruby and Python.

Nasty: See a show in NY with JD. How it went: Not great, Bob! I barely made it down the street to see Action Bronson with Laser 

JD: Seeing more shows with you guys is an evergreen resolution. How it went: To quote BC,

Resolution for 2018:

BC: No more resolutions

C: Catch some jazz in Chicago

Laser: get my list in on time!

Chap: While I didn't have the occasion to catch shows this year, I anticipate doing so in '18 due to some changes afoot.

Codem: make more playlists for my wife

Bronco: Get in shape. I want to stick to a schedule of running all year round. I ran a 10K back in June, then needed to recover for a bit, been recovering ever since...Fat Dad needs to keep running all year round without excuse, especially given that we go skiing between Xmas and New Year's and I'm gonna be a floppy legged mess. During those runs, I'll try to listen to new material each time.

Bin: I'm just going to keep saying "get to NY for a show with JD" until I make it happen. 

JD: See you gents more often with or without a show attached. 

Most Anticipated of 2018:

C: MBV

JD: MBV, No Age, Panda Bear, something surprising

Code: chromatics (i think it's really coming this year), mbv, no age, DOM, CCFX full album

Bronco: Tool. Fourth year's the charm...fuck those guys. It better suck me off when it finally does come out. Also a new Sleep album and a new High on Fire album...still waitin' on those too.

BC: Simple Minds, Vampire Weekend, Kanye

Nasty: Kanye, ASAP Rocky, Rhye, Chromeo, Vampire Weekend

Chap: After a quick glance at the list... Vampire Weekend, Kanye, Chromatics

Larse: Honestly don't even know what is on the horizon, just hope I can listen to it with this net neutrality bullshit!

[ywahmh]

I love you

November 1st 2017 Hey you, it's 4:38 pm on wednesday. I haven't heard from you much today, and I feel like you think it's me that's not reaching out to you. Actually I know because you told me lol. You told me when you messaged me and I could do the same but honestly this won't get us anywhere. I know you messaged me and told me you loved me and I answered. And I appreciate that. Wait let me not get side tracked this isn't even why i'm writing. I'm writing to let you know i'm not upset at you. I don't have any reason to be upset. I'm writing because I told you I wouldn't have any expectations when you'd go out. And it's true. I don't... that's why I messaged you early to tell you to have fun. I don't know if it's because you were getting ready or you get distracted when you're gunna go out but this usually happens. And then I don't hear from you for a while. Stephy i'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or upset or put pressure on you. Not at all. I might not even send this to you. I might not put it on my blog. I'm just letting my thoughts out cause you got me used to it. But yeah all this to say that my expectations are just gone for when you go out. It's not fair for you and it's not fair for me. Like yesterday I was genuinely surprised when you messaged me. And like I was actually excited for you to go out. It was a different setting from you and you had been spending a lot of time talking to me so you needed to socialize with your friends and stuff. It just sucks that I knew that I wouldn't hear hear from you much yesterday night/this morning but that's okay, what sucks is that I knew I wouldn't hear from you today either and you had a day off. It sucks that I can't have expectations when it comes to that you know? And you know what, it scares me that i'm not upset and I don't want it to push me away. But it naturally makes me calm down because you need your space and you need me to not even mention those situations for you to feel okay about your decisions. Once again i'm really sorry if this is coming as a " aaah Steph you didn't message me" session because it's not. It's not about me being upset because I'm not. It's not about me saying I don't trust you or anything like that because it's not the case. It's really just me telling you about my feelings. C'est un peu partout I know it's kinda messy mais c'est ca... I love you Steph I really do. I'm crazy about you. It's the first time I can say that to anyone lol. Bon you messaged me. I really doubt i'll post this. I just needed to explain how I feel with November 2nd 6:34 am.... we texted last night and I kinda explained what I felt above and you were sad and went to bed. You said you'd call me this morning but you haven't. You had mentioned yesterday that you'd have a group meeting today but it's not in the calendar so I don't know if I should just call you or risk bothering you. I don't know if I should call you or give you space to gather your thoughts. I know I should just call. But last time when I gave you time you wrote me the letter. I feel like that letter did you some good, like it helped you get everything out. Actually... it's almost noon and you always text me when you get up. It was calls at home first that changed to texts that changed to calls in the metro to now nothing. I guess yesterday was really weird for you based on what you want out of the next year or so. I realized something. I realized how I felt about you before. I realized how I felt every time I felt you pushing me away. I felt far from you Stephy I really did. That's including when i'd see you like once a week. Let me try to explain... during that time I had no expectations from you to message me, from you to tell me about when you'd go out and stuff, about you telling me you were taking the metro with the guy from your class who you had a little crush on even if he had a girlfriend. I had no expectations about anything because that's where we were at in our relationship. I couldn't have any expectations from you about when i'd see you either and that's because of me too. I actually had a girlfriend. Either way our feelings or each other weren't quite in that space either. Bref here's what I actually wanna say and please don't take this the wrong way. Before us having this. Before our first night at rat tails, I felt such a distance between us. I felt like we just both enjoyed each other's company and that sex was as good as it gets so what's the harm right? I was obviously still feeling really crazy about you as I always have, thinking about you so much every single day just waiting for my phone to vibrate with your name written on the screen. Sometimes it would happen, what an amazing surprise but sometimes it wouldn't. That was okay too. My point again was that it was okay. And we'd see each other and make each other feel good. Feel great even. I'd forget about me having a girlfriend. I'd forget about you telling me about this person or that person. I'd forget about us going back and forth about who didn't text who. I'd be happy we had sex and let our frustration and attraction towards each other out all at once. I'd also feel weird emotionally. Sometimes my feelings for you would pop up and I'd feel like what we were doing was too much for me. Other times i'd feel like I had pushed my feelings so so far out and that it was just sex. I couldn't believe that this is where we were at. And I can explain. I couldn't believe that I loved someone so much, that I was able to block of the idea that you cod be mine, that you could possibly one day be all mine and that I cod be yours. That is the full truth. I just knew the possibility was at zero. And I felt it from you also. I felt you pushing me away when you would take your distance from me. Everytime for years it frustrated me more and more. Me letting our sex be just sex more and more every time. It still didn't feel like cold sex to me even if you've told me that you've felt that with me before, but I still felt connected to your body, I still felt like we were supposed to be having sex. It just felt like it could have been more. I had so much anger in my heart before because you wouldn't let me in. It's not even that you wouldn't let me in it was more like you'd push me away before you could let me in. ( and please once again don't take this the wrong way I know I had a girlfriend) i'm just explaining how I felt. You couldn't know what I knew. I knew that I felt like i'd never be good enough for you. Ever. Wether it was because I wasn't ambitious enough. Interesting enough. Not out going enough. Didn't travel with you. Wasn't there with you when you went to all those countries and hooked up with people. Wasn't there with you when you'd be more distant from Me and hook up with people here. All these things made me feel like i'd never be good enough for you and that I wasn't what you wanted as far as love. And that is the exact reason why I had no expectations from you. All that changed in one night. I didn't know it then but I know it now. Our first date. I saw you look at me in such a way Steph. Maybe to you it was just a " aww what a "pooch" I wanna kiss him" but to me it was more Than that. I felt you looking at me as if I was the best thing ever to you. As if we had never had sex before and that you wanted to for the first time. That night I knew I were in trouble if I didn't keep my guards up. That you'd be able to pull me in as close to you as you wanted and push me away whenever. I was scared, but things progressed naturally. I didn't feel frustration when you'd come hang out with me in my backyard. I didn't feel frustration when you'd come over every day. I only felt good. I only felt good and couldn't wait to see you when i'd get home from work. I couldn't wait to see you when you'd call me in the middle of the night to tell me you were here. I couldn't wait to see you when we'd go to mcdonalds on fridays. I was happy when you fell asleep in my arms and we didn't have sex. I felt genuinely close to you and it felt great. That's when I started calling you my girlfriend even if we were kinda joking. But then that last 10 days or so came. First there was the hickey night. Ouf. The. There was the whole saturday where Kadine had seen them. I was like man... Steph ! But I figured you'd be leaving soon so... what's the harm? You were furious at me for not answering you because I was helping her sister move. And I couldn't text you because... well the hickeys! But you wanted me to manage your expectations Which I understand now but I was too busy being a boy then. I'm a man now lol. And I can say that because I had to make a real adult like decision to have you and stop being a boy. Bref to get back to it, you came over monday. We had fun and all and I let you go home early because of Ottawa the next day. You were still upset at me about Saturday and you had every right. And if things work out between i'm telling you this is one of those things i'll make it up to you for. Then Tuesday, Ottawa and Casstleman! What a great day. Again I didn't think much of it then it just felt natural. Wednesday I realized that you leaving and us just going back to the no expectation and just living our lives or being more distant with each other wasn't going to be easy. What?!? How did this happen? When did this change? I was so sure that we'd just get back to... that! Now I can't even say it out loud? It's okay you'll just come right out and say it I thought to myself... but no! Seems like you were having the same struggle as me. And then what? We tell each other that we love each other??? Shit but you're leaving! Now I realize that this no expectation business is actually so far behind! We've been so close to each other for so long and I just couldn't see it! I can't let this go. There's no way. I'm actually in love with you. I don't want the frustration anymore. I haven't felt it in so long. I wanted to feel real love and I do. But I still had my part to do to feel it. To truly know what love is. To break that mental barrier I had because of my own personal life. I had go love you and only you. And I did. And I still do. I'm all yours. I only wanna be yours. It feels amazing. I know you're far away and I skipped a bit because I was getting in writing mode and that's bad because once it gets going it doesn't stop lol. All this because I wanted to tell you something. I know you're sad because of everything I told you yesterday. I also know that you didn't wanna feel pressured or feel like you were making me sad that you were out and stuff but at the same time you kinda do want that. You wanna be in a relationship and this kinda comes with it. It's just about finding a balance with all that. Let me explain. I think that the fact that I wasn't giving you a hard time about not hearing from you or constantly trying to figure out where you were made you sad a little. Because you realized that I went back to how things were a bit. I had to force myself not to care. Is it a good thing? For you to be at ease right now and to be able to enjoy your experience in Italy, yes of course. For me or for us? No because it pushes me away slowly. Maybe i'll be able to control it, maybe there will be a bit of frustration that comes back at one point I don't know. All i'm saying Steph and that's me being 100% honest with you is, you have to tell me how you want me to be for you. Because there isn't one thing i'm not willing to do to make you happy. Not one. ( except putting objects in my butt, pee stuff armpit stuff and sharing you) other than that i've felt the worse before. And that's knowing our potential and yet feeling like you're pushing me away. Not feeling good enough. Shutting down all my emotions for you was the hardest thing i've had to do. But i'd be able to do it again if that's what you needed. ( I know it's not i'm just saying that if it's something in between that i'd clearly be able to meet you there) Steph I love you and I don't know when i'll post this but I will. I think i'll leave it at that I have to get ready for work. Je t'aime. 7:44 am

[massthetics-blog]

New Post has been published on Alexander Mullan

New Post has been published on https://alexandermullan.com/slapping-fear/

Slapping Fear In The Face: What, Why, And How

I challenge you to find a more powerful, overwhelming, and polarizing human emotion than fear. Fear is what keeps us rooted in one spot; unable to let our branches unfurl, forever searching for peace of mind, and fear is the rod rammed through the bicycle spoke of our lives. Fear is what ties us to the expectations of others, holding us in the Little Leagues, never feeling “ready” or “good enough” to step up to bat, and swing at what comes your way. Fear is the fuel you must use to rise up to where you want to be, yet it’s the very thing that will keep you in it’s clutches, yanking at the hem of your shirt in effort to keep you stagnant. These words before you are borne from fear.

MASSthetics is 6 feet under, and the coffin is nailed shut.

After avoiding what I’ve known to be true for months, I dragged MASSthetics out into the back alley, amidst a torrential downpour I slapped a bag over his head, whipped out my pistol, and flashed the trigger, killing the business that carried me through adventures across the United States, Europe, Asia, Canada, and supported 18 months of my life.

Over the past few months it’s become clear that my lane has narrowed, and much of what I truly want to write, share, and talk would be woefully out of place had they been published under MASSthetics. While this website may look near-identical, and I’ve carried over much of the content, the winds of change are blowing, and bigger, better things are coming.

  Mullan’s Meatheads is growing, the monthly training programs are evolving, and dudes are getting JACKED.

          The 10-Week Female Fat Loss Blitz is off to the races, and the girls are crushing it.

          And I’m launching the Anti-Meathead Method as we flip the calendar over to November.

Here’s the truth…

I haven’t been this excited about how I serve the world in a long, long time.

The MASSthetics branding has slipped away, except for the logo which I love too dearly to ever let go.

You see, fitness may be my “thing”, but it’s not everything.

The bulk of my business, and experience may be rooted in the fitness industry. But, I also do freelance copywriting & consulting. I help manage and run Facebook ad campaigns for a number of heavy hitters in the fitness industry. I’m at the helm of a group of writers who all want one thing; to become better wordsmiths. I’ve lived throughout Canada, driven down the West Coast of the United States, soaked up the magic of New York City, been lulled back to the Dominican Republic, smoked weed while wandering the canals and winding streets of Amsterdam, dieted to sub-zero body fat and competed in 3 bodybuilding shows, sweated my balls off in Mexico – twice, somehow ended up in Austin, Texas on multiple occasions, and have bounced in and out of my hometown more times than I care to count – all of this in past 5 years. I don’t mean this to brag, and I sure as shit haven’t seen everything.

But I have seen some things  – nor have these been empty experiences.

Each has connected me with new people, given me a new tale to tell, shifted my perspective, and provided experiences I’ll never forget. Each trip, each adventure, all grew from slapping fear in the face, throwing caution to the wind, and as I like to say, “doing the damn thing.”

As I walked amongst trees older than I’ll ever live to be, with sticks and leaves crunching beneath my feet, lost in the solitude of the forest, allowing my thoughts to unfurl, I’ve realized that I, Alexander Mullan, am a writer above all else.

After countless walks in the woods, I’ve gained clarity on what I want to write about, the direction I want to take this “thing” I’ve built, and after months of fruitless mental masturbation, I’ve hashed out more impactful, higher-level coaching services to better serve you (The soon-to-launch Anti-Meathead Method). On top of shifting the focus of this website from MASSthetics, and placing it squarely onto “my” shoulders, I’m laying down a year-long writing gauntlet for myself. Because at the end of the day, whether it’s a sales letter, client training program, fitness article, or piece of ad copy, it’s all writing…and writers write. And so it is that I’m going to continue writing every single day, and begin publishing, every Wednesday for the next year. As for the topics you’ll find scrawled upon these walls?

While fitness will remain a mainstay, I will make no promises about what else is going to appear. Because writers write. But we don’t always know what’s going to come out until fingers strike key.

What does this mean for what’s no longer MASSthetics, but alexandermullan.com?

To quote the world’s greatest comedian, Jerry Seinfeld:

“You don’t have to buy it. You could say, that’s stupid. This is stupid.”

If you think this new approach I’m taking is stupid, moves away from what you signed up for, or you think I’m a quack, that’s fine.

To echo Jerry, you don’t have to read (or buy) it, you don’t have to like it. You don’t have to be here.

If you choose to leave, I wish you well.

If you choose to stay, I appreciate you being here, and I’ll be damn sure to make it worth your while.

Marrying yourself to an idea, no matter how much you love it, and being able to shift gears if what you’re doing isn’t serving you.

What began as my little corner of the internet to help men and women build muscle, melt fat, and transform their physique has grown into a different beast over the past year and a half. MASSthetics was no longer serving the point I’ve arrived at in my life, the overarching missions that drive my actions, thoughts, and decisions, or vibing with the value I want to bring into the world.

The image that I spent over a year honing, no longer felt like “me.”

Which is one thing I’ve learned from being in business for myself over that time. When something no longer serves you, no matter how scary it may be to do so, you must cut it loose.

I felt handcuffed in my writing.

My message was muddled.

Nor could I say with confidence that MASSthetics was a “thing” I could see standing the test of time, and still being around years down the road.

I recognized that if I wanted this to work again, and account for what I enjoy most (writing & coaching), something had to give.

Despite holding onto the rotting scraps of MASSthetics for far too many months, regardless of the fear surging through my veins, and I press “publish,” and step onward with fearful, bated excitement.

Change is frightening.

But change is necessary for growth (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and professional) to occur.

Consider this tale before you as the first of a rebirth.

The mark of new beginnings.

The torrential downpour in a romantic comedy, where the main characters realize they must be together, no matter what. Together, let us put fear in it’s place, and leave no stone in our lives unturned.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

==========

Wondering what’s next?

Here’re a few options for you:

1. If you know of anyone else who might benefit from the words of wisdom you just read, why not share it with them?

2. Looking for more articles like this one? You’ll find a whack just like this one linked about one-and-a-half scrolls below.

3. Frustrated to all hell with trying to build muscle and burn fat on your own? I can help with that.

4. If you’re not on the email list, you’re missing out on daily doses of fitness advice, stories, and pearls of wisdom that don’t suck. Click here to rectify that sorry state of affairs, and grab your free guide to staying lean during your winter bulk.

5. Should the Women Only Fat Loss Club strike your fancy, click here to get on the waiting list (launching mid-January).

Ta.

[vannadee37]

Aahhh… October! Not only is Fall in full swing around here in the East Tennessee mountains, but in the blogosphere, it’s Blogtober! I did this challenge last year, so for the second year in a row now, I’m challenging myself to write a blog every day this month! So welcome to my little corner of the blogosphere and to Green Acres Meets Paris! I hope you’ll stick around with me this month where hopefully you’ll discover some new favorites {fall fashions, booties, movies, books, recipes, and more} as well as learn a little more about me!

I discovered Blogtober last year when another blogger friend {Tamara of Love of Mode} wrote about the Blogtober challenge on her blog. I did a Blogtober challenge last year, and I’m not going to lie… it was hard coming up with 31 blog topics. I normally only write about 10-12 blog posts a month and those mostly comprise of monthly series {pre-determined by my editorial calendar}, like “Man of Style”, “Woman of Style”, “Wanderlust Wednesday”, “Dinner Party”, and “Links I Love”. So there are five blog posts you’ll need to check out later this month!

Now on to Day 1 of this challenge…October is my favorite month, not only because I got married in this month back in 1998, but it’s also when the colors start to change and there is a crispness in the air that just smells like Fall! I like pulling out my scarves and my booties and sweaters. Coming up this month, I’ll share some fall fashion inspiration as well as some booties I’m wishing were in my closet.

As I mentioned above, I got married in October 1998 to a good ol’ country boy named Mike. Together we live in his grandmother’s house, which his grandfather and his brother-in-law built with their own hands back in the 1950s. We live out in the country, where my neighbors across the road are cows {although I haven’t seen them recently, so they may be living in a different pasture down the road somewhere}.

So as an introduction to me and my blog, “Green Acres Meets Paris”, I thought I’d share 10 Facts About Me. A couple of years ago, I was reading blog post after blog post where bloggers were sharing 50 random facts about themselves. So I decided to give it a go and wrote a couple of “random facts about me” blog posts. It was a two-part series where I shared a total of 50 facts about me.

Some of those facts from two years ago have changed, because {believe it or not} a lot has happened in two years. For instance, I shared in the first “random facts about me” post was that I’d never been to Disney World or Disneyland. Well, now I can that I have been to Disney World. I went there this past June with Elizabeth and Pam, a couple of fellow bloggers, when we were in Orlando for the BlogHer #17 conference. I also mentioned in this post that we have three dogs. Well, our oldest furbaby, Dakota, passed away two years ago on November 11th {on Veteran’s Day, to be exact} at the tender age of 16. So we now just have two dogs, Daisy and Doc. However, we were adopted by a sweet country cat {loving named KitKat} who gave birth to three kittens, although only two survived.

Want more random facts about me? I going to try not to repeat some of my facts from a couple of years ago. So, here goes…

1. I finally upgraded from my mini iPad to a MacPro to write my blog posts. It is much easier to type on my Mac as opposed to the mini keyboard I was using with my mini iPad.

2. I got a Vespa at Thanksgiving last year, but because it’s a 250cc, it requires a motorcycle license, which I’ve yet to get. But I will get it… soon I hope! I occasionally ride it to and from dinner with my husband, who follows behind me on his Harley Davidson Heritage Softtail. We have taken a couple of short trips to neighboring towns {around 50 miles round-trip}, but I haven’t gotten up the nerve yet to ride it to work. Traffic is crazy busy, and the even crazier drivers on Pellissippi Parkway heading towards Knoxville often reach speeds of 65mph or more. I need to feel more comfortable riding my Vespa and and taking short trips around my neck of the woods before I venture into the high-speed world of the big city.

His ride vs My ride: Last year at Thanksgiving, we bought a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a Vespa as early Christmas presents to ourselves.

3. As much as my husband loves car shows and going to them, I’m usually bored when I accompany him to the shows. I either end up sitting behind whatever car we take to show {the 1929 Ford or the 1965 Rambler American or the unfinished BroncLo} reading a magazine or a book, or I walk around and let him ramble on about the wheels, the engine, or the stance of the car or truck. I go mainly to support him and his business, The RPM Garage {go check him out on Instagram, @rpmgarage22}.

My husband recently joined Instagram {@rpmgarage22}, so head over to his profile and check him out!

4. I started BIHRT {pellet therapy} in March of this year. Since my total hysterectomy in June 2015, I was ushered into surgical menopause with a flurry of severe hot flashes, night sweats, decreased energy, low libido, insomnia, and hair loss. I did some research and read several books by Suzanne Somers where she wrote about menopause and bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. BIHRT has changed my life. I have three small pellets injected into my buttock/hip {alternating hips every three months} and only have mild symptoms about a week or two before my next round of pellet therapy. Want to learn more about this? You can email me or leave a comment below and I’ll tell you all about my experience with pellet therapy.

Bio-Identical Hormone Replacement Therapy {a.k.a. Pellet Therapy} – Who knew three small pellets could make such a difference!?!

5. I chew a lot of gum, sometimes three or four pieces a day, and I chew it way past its prime, where there is no flavor left. I always {and only} chewed Big Red in high school. There were a few kids in my Economics class who called me “Big Red” because I had Big Red gum with me at all times. I’m not sure they really knew my real name. I have expanded my chewing gum flavors to include spearmint and peppermint, but I love the flavor of Big Red the most.

6. When I publish a blog post, I try to schedule them to post at 11:00 AM EST. I’ve read a lot of other blog posts from so-called blogging experts that say to be consistent in when you post {i.e., days of the week, time of day}. Don’t ask me how I came up with the 11 AM post time. Just trying to be consistent, I guess. Except for today’s post, all other posts are {or will be} published “on time”.

“Paris is Always a Good Idea” … this notebook holds my blog ideas, and more.

7. I have tried keeping a bullet journal, but I am not as artistic as all those other bullet journal keepers. My current bullet journal {pictured above} is where I write down ideas for blog posts, keep travel plan ideas {like our upcoming trip to Las Vegas}, and create small mood boards. I also have a Moleskine weekly calendar that I got in one of my FabFitFun boxes last year, and I used it all the time in the beginning. Now it’s more of an after-thought. I still carry it everywhere with me and I do look in it about once a week. Then I realize I’m not even looking at the right week, or heck, even the right month! Gotta get better at organizing my day/week/month.

8. My husband and I still have date nights. We are childless {by choice}, except for our furbabies. He will occasionally call me on my cell phone and ask me out on a date, as if we had just recently met. And sometimes on Saturday or Sunday, when I’m inside the house {blogging or cleaning or whatever} and he’s out working in his garage {a.k.a. The RPM Garage}, he will call me on my cell phone and order breakfast or lunch. We have been together almost 21 years, and on Oct. 17th, we will celebrate our 19th anniversary.

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Me and Mike celebrating our 11th anniversary at the No Name Pub in Big Pine Keys, the Florida Keys.

Me and Mike in Colorado, dreaming of retiring in the small town of Cripple Creek.

9. I have still never been outside the continental United States. When I win the lottery, I’m going to do a lot of traveling! First stop… Paris! Why Paris? Well, my blog is “Green Acres Meets Paris” so I need to “meet” Paris IRL! Maybe I need to just write French President Emmanuel Macron and see if he can help make my dream become reality by inviting me to Paris! A girl can dream, right?

10. I’m like Sheldon on “The Big Bang Theory”. I have “my seat” on the couch and if we have company over to our house {which to be honest with you, is rare}, I don’t really like anyone sitting in my spot. If someone does happen to sit in my chair, I then usually sit on “my” bar stool and secretly wish they would leave so I can have my spot back. {Side bar: My husband and I got rid of our dining room table in favor of a tall bar, which is why we have bar stools.}

So there you have it – 10 random facts about me. What is a random fact about you? Leave your random fact in the comment section below and see if we have something in common!

Until tomorrow…

Yours Truly, Vanessa

Blogtober 2017, Day 1: Welcome to My “Green Acres” Aahhh... October! Not only is Fall in full swing around here in the East Tennessee mountains, but in the blogosphere, it's…

[flauntpage]

It Hasn't Gotten Any Easier to Be a Soccer Mom in the NWSL

When FC Kansas City forward Sydney Leroux walked off the field following a 1-0 loss to Sky Blue FC late last month, she was visibly frustrated at what just took place.

Eight months earlier, Leroux had given birth to her first child, Cassius, and after being away from the game for more than a year, she was still returning to her former elite form. Not an easy process, by any means, which is why an unusual supporter was waiting for her on the sideline to offer a few words of encouragement: her opponent in the match, Sky Blue defender Christie Pearce.

"I was talking to Syd after the game—her first 90-minute game [of the season]—and she said it was tough," Pearce said later, standing on the Yurcak Field pitch in New Jersey. "I told her, 'Don't be so hard on yourself. It's a process. Your body went through a lot. You're up late at night. You've just got to be mentally strong, and do what you can do when you're out on the field.'"

Leroux in 2015. Photo by Michael Chow-USA TODAY Sports

Pearce speaks on this topic with unparalleled authority: before officially retiring from the U.S. national team this February, the 42-year-old former captain earned 311 caps, the majority of them coming after the birth of her first child, daughter Rylie, in September 2005. (Her second, Reece, was born in March 2010.) She managed to play in more than 3,000 minutes during the 2008 calendar year—the first U.S. player to accomplish that feat of stamina. In 2009, she led and coached Sky Blue FC to a championship in the now-defunct Women's Professional Soccer league; she was three months pregnant with Reece for the title game.

Pearce wasn't the first U.S. player to return to the field following childbirth—that would be Joy Fawcett in 1994, followed by Carla Overbeck, Kate Markgraf, and others—but her success and longevity in the sport showed that women could not only play after childbirth; they could come back stronger and fitter than ever. Today, there are a number of working moms on the U.S. national team and in the NWSL. The 2015 World Cup–winning team had three mothers on the roster, including Pearce. And when Kansas City learned last year that Leroux and her teammate Amy Rodriguez were both expecting (Rodriguez with her second child), they made alternate plans for the 2016 roster—but 2017 was built around the two stars.

"The moms kind of stick together," Leroux said, explaining that she's leaned on Pearce and Rodriguez a lot. "We've said, if you haven't gone through it, you don't know how hard it actually is, to be able to juggle all of that. So it's nice to have friends that are in the same boat I am."

For every USWNT star in the NWSL, however, there are a dozen players who haven't been called up to the national team, with all the benefits and security that can bring; in addition to larger salaries subsidized by U.S. Soccer, national team players receive paid maternity leave and childcare support, neither of which the NWSL itself officially provides. And that's why, while Pearce is undoubtedly a trailblazer in women's soccer, the career arc of players like North Carolina Courage forward Jessica McDonald may matter even more in the years ahead.

For years, McDonald was the only mom in the league to not also be on the USWNT—an experience she describes as difficult, but one that has inspired her to push for changes so that more women can follow her path if they want to.

McDonald turned pro at a tumultuous time for her sport in the U.S.. She was picked 15th overall by the Chicago Red Stars in the 2010 WPS draft—a team that would suspended operations after that season, in a league that would shutter in 2012. McDonald also injured her knee during her rookie season; between that and the state of women's pro soccer, she doubted whether she'd be able to play again.

Ultimately she spent 18 months rehabbing her knee and trying to get back to the game. Finding out she was pregnant in the midst of that complicated her timetable to return, but she was determined to raise her child and continue pursuing her soccer career.

"Both of my parents were both multi-sport athletes," McDonald said in a telephone interview. "Their mindset was, be an athlete as long as possible, up until they became parents. And so they dropped their dreams for their children. And I'm not sure how I feel about that, as their child—that they just gave up what they wanted to do because they became parents."

McDonald in 2016. Photo by Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

McDonald gave birth to her son, Jeremiah, in 2012, and was soon playing overseas for the Melbourne Victory FC in Australia. Her quick comeback was helped by having been able to train through her eighth month of pregnancy, and she was fueled by a desire to show the world that women can play soccer while having a family just as well as a man.

When the NWSL began in 2013, McDonald signed as a free agent with the reincarnated Red Stars. She would spend the next few seasons bouncing around—from Chicago to Seattle, then Portland, Houston, New York. But more challenging than the moves was the money.

There is a huge chasm between the NWSL salaries of national team members, which can reach six figures and even more under the new collective bargaining agreement, and those of players who aren't allocated by U.S. Soccer. The current maximum salary for non-allocated players is just $41,700, while the minimum salary is $15,000—and both figures represent significant increases from when McDonald and the league were just getting started.

And unlike the USWNT, NWSL players aren't unionized and do not have a collective bargaining agreement that could mandate protections and benefits for parents. Pearce, by contrast, talked about how important the three months of maternity leave she got following the birth of each of her two children.

Without financial security, McDonald says, playing in the league while raising Jeremiah was "ten times harder." Most players simply put off starting families until after their soccer careers are over.

"For me as a mom, not an allocated player, there have been some years that have been a difficult journey, because NWSL doesn't really support mothers," McDonald said. "It's not like in any of the contracts I can get child care squeezed in there, because they just don't support it. And so that's another thing that can change. And if that changes, I think more mothers will be able to survive in this league if you're not an allocated national team player."

Other challenges simply come with the territory when you're a pro athlete, male or female. Trades and transactions, for example, can mean moving your family to another state at the drop of the hat, and McDonald's career has taken her and her son all over the country. When people ask Jeremiah where he's from, he says "New York," where McDonald played last year with the Flash before the franchise moved to North Carolina.

"He understands that Mommy goes and plays soccer," McDonald said. "He understands that part of it. And we've moved around so much that whatever ball life throws at us, he manages so well. He's five years old now, and it's so cool to see him brighten up every time we go to a new place. He absolutely loves it."

Despite all the challenges of having a kid while playing professional soccer, McDonald believes that it helped her, too.

"My body is completely different—I look different—in a way where I feel so confident," she said. "I haven't had any injuries since I've had my kid, so I think it's changed my body externally and internally. I don't know what it is, but I hadn't felt so great, body-wise, until I had my kid. I look more in shape, and I feel more in shape. And speaking from a confidence side, it's changed me in such a positive way."

While it's still relatively rare for elite athletes to compete during and after pregnancy, a number of those who do seem to share similar experiences to McDonald, such as Pearce, marathoner Paula Radcliffe, and heptathlete Jessica Ennis-Hill—they've come back fitter, stronger, and better than ever. Some have even suggested that pregnancy itself might provide a performance boost, though the science is still too early to say one way or the other.

McDonald is having some of her best years as a pro. Last year, she scored ten goals for the Flash in a championship-winning season, and then realized her dreams of making the senior national team with a call-up in November, earning her first cap in a friendly against Romania. More recently, she became the NWSL's all-time leading scorer with her 33rd NWSL goal Sunday night in Boston.

McDonald in her USWNT debut. Photo by Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

Going forward, McDonald intends to be an active member of the planned NWSL players association, and push the league to provide more financial support for players who choose motherhood and don't want it to force them into early retirement.

But whether a player is allocated or non-allocated, in a union or not, the fact remains that becoming a parent is a life-changing, and at times incredibly difficult, process. Before she gave birth to Cassius in 2016, Leroux wrote a post on her blog titled "Pregnancy Is Tough." She revealed that her pregnancy was unplanned, and that she had found out about it during USWNT training camp before Olympic qualifiers.

"I truly wish I could be one of those pregnant women who wake up every day happy, and feeling that 'pregnancy glow' but I don't always feel that way," she wrote. "Most of the time I'm just in pain."

Leroux says that she catalogued her challenges because she wanted people to "know the bad and the good of pregnancy." She remains strikingly honest about how having a baby has affected her life. She still wonders what the future holds for her on the field, and what she can accomplish.

"My body has changed," she said after the Sky Blue match in April. "It hasn't gone back to what it was before. And who knows if it ever will. But I have to learn how to work [with] the new body that I have. So, I'm still learning."

Pearce has all the confidence that her former USWNT teammate will be able to get there. "After four or five months, you feel like you can reach that fifth gear," she said. "I don't remember when it was exactly, but you train hard and then one day, you can just open up—and you'll see Sydney open up soon … It's a slow process. You're not yourself, you have to remember that. But I told Syd: in a couple games, you'll be your old self."

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It Hasn't Gotten Any Easier to Be a Soccer Mom in the NWSL published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[wineworkoutswhippersnappers]

Wine + Workouts + Whippersnappers (A Trifecta Cameo)

It’s true, I’m making an appearance on my own blog. What will she write about after being MIA so long, one would ask. There really aren’t enough words or time or ears with that much storage to spare. So let’s cover a little bit of my favorite things and call this a trifecta cameo!

All Things Wine

Oh this winery business…

“What made you do this?” We get asked that a great deal. Honestly, I think we knew we had something and we knew we had to start somewhere. Where it has gone from there has been incredibly and strangely fascinating. From farmers markets to Vegas to video features at Hot Mixology to a (fingers-crossed) tasting room in the works, my winemaker and I have learned a great deal. Among those wise-owl moments, we’ve decided small yet progressive growth is the way we drink it down best. We’ve added more retailers (heya, Boise Airport and Hayley, ID); We’ve added more events (hint: You’ll find us in the mountains this summer – specifically the Ketchum farmers’ market and a festival in Stanley aaaaand Weiser for that small thing called the Total Solar Eclipse). We’ve also added more wine including two red blends we released last November and – hold my glass while I do The Carlton – two new flavors of Jalapeno Wine Lemonade to release this summer. You read that right.

The Ambassador – 75% Syrah, 25% Grenache. Horse Heaven Hills AVA

Never fear, we’re still dealing with the usual suspects for 2017 (both farmers’ markets in downtown Boise, Savor Idaho, the Eagle Food & Wine Festival, a plethora of First Thursdays in Downtown Boise) and we’re adding events all the time. I’ve attempted to harness my web design skills and integrated an event calendar in the sidebar on the right so you can check out where we’re at month to month. Turns out my design skills haven’t aged as well as our Syrah-Grenache did. It’s not like you’re surprised. I’ve still got loads of events to add to the calendar so if you don’t see what you think you should see, head over to our Facebook page for the real-time scoop. Don’t ask me to Tweet about it in a timely fashion – I’m a cusp millennial/Generation X’er who was not raised by helicopter parents, is married to a full-on traditional Generation X’er and I am an old soul. Translation: I think social media is fun and interesting but I also want to be left alone now and then to read a !@#$ book.

Which is an odd and unrelated segue into…

All Things Workouts

Oh this fitness industry…

You might know by now my outlook on health and fitness is a bit…real-world oriented. Meaning there are some fundamental things about the fitness industry I can’t get on board with (see: this post from way back). The obsession with abs and back sides and rules and being perfect is too much. I’ve been in the industry for over 10 years now and that false message of beauty is not getting any better, friends. But I am certainly 100% in support of a healthy and grateful mind, a body you can move and love and live in, nutrition that can sustain you instead of poison you and finding the size you feel was meant for you.

Truth be told, since my little addition of a defibrillator in 2015 and the coinciding quasi beta-blocker that came as part of the deal, I have noticed a few things:

1. Even if I want to, I simply cannot push my cardiovascular system to beat faster than it wants. I have no doubt this is a result of the medication, so I make it work. I can still sprint and get in a HIIT session so intense it makes the dog sweat watching me. My takeaway is: Push your body but trust your body. Know the difference between breaking barriers that need to be broken and listening to warning signs.

2. Bodies change. Certainly after childbirth and certainly as we age. After you’ve played out your 20s it’s more important than ever to check your nutrition. It doesn’t matter how fit you are at 30, 40, 50…your metabolism has shifted and you may have encountered some changes in your health. Furthermore, even if you already had a healthy eating approach that worked for you in the past you will likely realize at some point it’s no longer cutting it. Adjust, pay attention, eat and workout in a way that will make your body happy to carry you into and well past your 60s.

3. Stop the crazy obsession with excuses. If you set out to begin a healthier lifestyle every week yet every week you let life get in the way, it will catch up to you. I am 35 years young and healthy with a genetic heart condition. There is one thing I know for sure: We are not invincible. Life is indiscriminate, things will pull you away from taking care of yourself and there will be brief moments you’ll have to allow it. But come back to you. Always come back.

And if you can’t do it for you, do it for…

All Things Whippersnappers

So maybe you don’t have kids or grandkids. Maybe you have dogs or squirrels. At any rate, overseeing the little ones requires a whole lot of blood, sweat and tears. Sometimes even from the children.

I have young kiddos so I’m usually dealing with various low-key shenanigans. When I hear “Mom, I need you to come look at this!” yelled from the bathroom I freeze in terror. When my son turned four in February we found ourselves meeting a whole new kid. This has been mostly fun except for I’ve realized raising a small boy quite possibly requires the skills necessary for raising a teenage girl. Combine that with the fact that my daughter is finishing up kindergarten and also learning some hard things in life as kids have to do, there are moments when I have to remember I need to teach these small humans how to deal with the crap of life.

I discovered this video and they love watching it. They also love it when their mom nearly loses her $#!+ and they can say, “Mom…breathe.”

Have a lovely week and remember, just breathe…

[ralphmorgan-blog1]

Immigration policy in 2017? Good luck with that, say veterans

Washington (CNN)It may be the great irony of President Donald Trump's passion for tightening up immigration enforcement that his strident positions have made achieving any compromise nearly impossible, effectively dooming chances of actually getting legislation to enhance immigration enforcement in the near term.

Immigration policy trackers give astronomical odds to the likelihood of any substantive bill moving this year, especially any kind of reform. While an opportunity will come this spring in the form of money for Trump's border security package, the fight over a must-pass piece of Trump's agenda will get messy.

In House Speaker Paul Ryan's "Better Way" agenda, the only mention of immigration is border security, which has long been an objective of lawmakers and was a key focus of Trump's campaign.

"I think it's going to be really limited in scope," a House leadership aide said of what immigration-related policy could come out of Congress this year.

Despite what may be a $21 billion price tag, the hope is that enough red state Democrats up for re-election in 2018 and moderates will feel unable to vote against a package on border security.

But the obstacles that drove lawmakers to a grand bargain in 2013 haven't gone away.

That 2013 experience, when Senate overwhelmingly passed the bipartisan Gang of Eight immigration reform package to watch it die in the House, left a sour taste in the mouths of lawmakers on the idea of comprehensive immigration reform overall.

The bill was a behemoth, a collection of compromises and deals that included key elements like a solution for the agriculture industry that relies heavily on low-skilled labor, a pathway for undocumented immigrants to come out of the shadows, beefed up border enforcement and a Congressional Budget Office score that projected decreasing the federal deficit -- a rare feat for any bill -- by $200 million in the first 10 years and $700 billion in the next 10.

The first opportunity will come in the spring, when federal funding runs out and the appropriations process begins. Lawmakers expect to consider some sort of defense and border supplemental spending package to pay for Trump's promised wall, long authorized by legislation but never paid for.

Piecemeal vs. comprehensive

The No. 2 Senate Republican, Texas Sen. John Cornyn, has repeatedly said the way to move legislation is in small pieces, rather than broad strokes.

"My conclusion is we're not going to be able to do a big comprehensive bill," Cornyn told Bloomberg in November, a statement his office pointed to when asked about the state of affairs. "We've tried that. It just doesn't work. We need to secure the border and we need to enforce the law in regards to people with criminal records who are illegally in this country. And then we can have a further conversation."

Despite Republicans' insistence that a piecemeal approach through smaller bills is the key, veterans remain skeptical.

The top negotiator for Florida Sen. Marco Rubio, who was one of the GOP senators on gang of eight and who has paid a dear political price with the base since, said that Rubio originally tried to get a deal on individual pieces of legislation, so the big picture wouldn't get watered-down with deals.

"We couldn't get the rest of the gang to agree to a piecemeal approach," said Enrique Gonzalez, who now serves as an immigration attorney in Miami.

Even if all 52 Republicans in the Senate could agree on a plan, they'd still need eight Democratic colleagues to pass any bill, and Democrats are going to want something in return.

A Senate Democratic leadership aide said the party will not get on board with a bill that doesn't offer a pathway to citizenship for undocumented immigrants living peacefully in the US, for fear that if Republicans get their enforcement wish list, they'll never come back to addressing the people already here.

"If Democrats give in on doing enforcement only, they will never get the support necessary to do a pathway to citizenship," the aide said.

"If you look at the coalition that existed for the Gang of Eight bill, it was not because each member of the coalition vouched for the entirety of the bill, it's because each had priorities in the package and they realized the only way they could get immigration reform done is by supporting the whole thing."

When a bill is perceived as the one opportunity in sight to get something done, members are going to want their pet issues included, which creates headaches for leadership as they try to piece together a coalition to get 60 votes in the Senate. And any overreach by the administration and Republicans could give Democrats in tough positions a talking point to cover them voting against the package.

Add to that a legislative calendar filled with a fight on Obamacare, Cabinet nominees, a Supreme Court nominee and tax reform, and even small areas of compromise have a tough time advancing.

Democrats also have little incentive to agree to anything that might be seen by their base as working with Trump.

"You can't move something that is less controversial, because there is nothing that's immigration that's not controversial right now," Gonzalez said.

How do you pay for it?

Trump has loudly and frequently pledged to build a southern border wall, and in his first week issued an executive order ordering the construction of the wall, an increase in border patrol, hiring more immigration officers and efforts to boost resources for detention centers and immigration judges to handle more immigration enforcement.

What he hasn't declared is the price tag.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said last month he expects the wall alone to cost $12 billion to $15 billion, though neither congressional leadership nor the White House has settled on how to pay for it. Republicans are considering a border adjustment tax as part of tax reform as one pay-for, and Trump has repeatedly declared Mexico will reimburse the US for the cost, without articulating how the US would secure such a move from an unwilling Mexico.

Democratic veterans of the Gang of Eight fight say that the deal included a pathway to citizenship largely as a pay-for. The fees collected both from applications from undocumented immigrants and from visa reform overall paid for substantial border enforcement.

"One of the best pay-fors is to get fees from undocumented individuals changing their status, if they want to pay for it, so both of those factors make it just as difficult to move forward with the piecemeal approach as the comprehensive approach," said Leon Fresco, a former aide to now-Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, former Justice Department official and current immigration attorney.

Who has the capital to lead?

Another key question remains who will lead any effort on immigration policy.

All but Rubio of the eight members of the Gang of Eight bill are likely willing to work on immigration again.

Republican Sens. Jeff Flake and John McCain, both of Arizona, and Lindsey Graham, of South Carolina, have signaled they are looking for areas of consensus on immigration. Graham has introduced the bipartisan BRIDGE Act to continue to protect the young undocumented immigrants who were protected by President Barack Obama's deferred action program, and Flake and Alaska Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski have signed on.

On the House side, a group of moderate Republicans with heavy Hispanic constituencies have long engaged in discussions on immigration reform, but without Ryan's buy-in or another prominent mainstream conservative, their work is unlikely to pick up steam.

"You would have to have political legs for immigration reform before you even talking about the Gang of Eight membership," the Democratic aide said. "That's like asking who's the eighth person to get on the Titanic."

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