#may delete lol idk this is a Little embarrassing 😭

[jrueships]

🦔

[crowhyun]

actually y’all i need to rant and i’m going to sound like a pathetic loser but i’ll wait until shame comes in so i can delete this later but rn it’s night time and it’s the right time

so like, idk abt yall, but during the late hours of the night, my emotions are heightened unlike during the day. Like if I’m happy, i’m all smiley and giggly and i’m never like that during the day. I’m a night person yeah. But i get sad easier at night. And tonight i am sad boohoo

what am i sad about? IM LONELY AS FUCK 😭

the thing is, i’ve been single my whole life. i’ve been told and convinced that i wasn’t beautiful or worthy of love, and no one has ever shown interest in me. Boys would bully me the most over my looks. And i’m not going to lie and say “but i was beautiful all along” bcs i wasnt. I was a lol scrawny nerd who wore glasses and the same hoodie everyday. I didn’t care abt my looks at all, but it’s a bit diff bcs i’ve grown up in places where there weren’t ppl like me. So in either predominantly white or asian schools. I was never beautiful to them.

but it’s not just that. I’m convinced there is something wrong with me, bcs when I see my sister, I see everything that i want to be. She’s feminine, pretty, confident, strong etc etc. Ever since she was little, she’s had everyone all over her and people would always compliment her and overlook me.

i remember when my grandpa straight up called me ugly and then said that my sisters were like “pretty princess” to my face. I’ve always hated him. This might sound morbid, but i’m glad he’s dead. He was never a good person anyways.

my sister used to make fun of me for my looks as well bcs i was never as pretty as her. Everyday, I nitpick at every little thing because of her. My shoulders are too wide, i’m not feminine enough, my skin is too dark, i look like a child etc etc etc like WHYYYYY can’t i stop????? ARGHHH

and WHY does it seem like everyone has had love in their lives but me???? no one has ever been interested in me, and i feel like i’m going to be alone forever. I keep trying to convince myself that someone would come along one day, but i continue to lose hope. I’m so scared to get close to people, and im not good at making conversation, i can’t even make friends, how do i expect to one day get married?

i have a skin condition that makes my skin rough and bumpy, and people have always commented about it, and i don’t even want people to get physically close to me bcs of it. i hate when people touch me, and im always so hyper aware of someone’s proximity.

like what happened to the little girl that loved hugs and holding hands? i hate that i’ve changed. i used to be so extroverted and happy and social, but i’ve gotten shut down and hurt so many times and now im a fkn recluse like ew i hate myself

sometimes i get the urge to drink myself drunk so i would stop thinking and so that i’d be free from shame and embarrassment and anxiety, but i don’t do that bcs 1. alcohol tastes disgusting and 2. i feel like if i give in, i’d develop an addiction.

i feel so sorry for all of the friends that i do have and for the future boyfriend that i may or may not have. i’m so insecure that it ruins everything. I think that no one rlly likes me and they’ll all leave me one day just like my friends have done in the past, just bcs i wasn’t pretty enough or cool enough.

[ionlytalktodogs]

Having a really hard time rn so if you'd feel comfortable may I request some of the 2AM rambles I've come to know you for? Dunno if this is inappropriate or not

So sorry it’s been like 20 hours since you sent this ask 😭 I didn’t see it bc I was ✨on a date✨ which I’ll get to in a sec

First of all, and this goes to everyone ever, send me any ask you want to. Just send it. If I think it’s rude or inappropriate I’ll just delete it. Never be scared to send me an ask I’m very open to asks

Second, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time 💞 I hope things get better. It’s not 2am but I have to get up early tomorrow so here is my midnight ramble about the last couple days.

So if anyone is not up to date on my lore I move into college in less than a week, which is WILD btw literally never thought I’d even be accepted to a college and now I’m not only accepted to my dream school but I’m moving in in less than a week? Hot damn.

So like my school has orientation but they broke up all the freshmen into groups? That are called primers? God I hope no one from my school is reading this. Anyway in my primer group is me, this kid who has 20 3DS(es?) that they’re bring to school to just…hand out to people(????), and my crush who I’m gonna refer to as this little blue diamond emoji 💠 bc it makes me think of them.

💠 and I are doing that sort of Lesbian Flirting thing where you’re both obviously interested in each other but worried that the other one is just being nice and you don’t wanna fuck it up so you’re like nooo I can’t just say how I feel bc she might just be a super nice person! We’re both constantly like “you’re so attractive I’d make out with you right now but no homo” (we are both lesbians) and it’s. But then today we agreed to be Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy for Halloween? And there’s like…nothing gayer than that so? Idk.

We went to the mall together on a Date-That-Wasn’t-Actually-a-Date-Because-We’re-Both-Into-Each-Other-But-Don’t-Want-to-Say-it-Because-What-if-She’s-Just-Being-Nice and that was cool bc…idk…I worry a lot about how ppl view me as a wheelchair user. Like…idk! It’s just. Hard! But 💠 is also disabled and it was just cool to hang out with another disabled person. Very cool <3

We have been texting 24/7. Just texting our thoughts to each other, texting about comics we like, texting about the eternal emptiness we feel inside from having to be away from each other until we move in next week (yes we’re very melodramatic). We only live like an hour and a half away from each other so it’s not like it’s long distance by any means but we don’t have time to drive to each other before moving in bc packing and the like. Also…we literally move in in less than a week lmao it makes sense to just wait

My new wheelchair bag came today and she offered to embroider it for me and I’m like 😭 that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I might be giving her Mercane, at least to borrow, bc she has arthritis and has been wanting to try a folding cane for a while but they’re kinda pricy

Anywayyy my friend and I made a disabilities club for the school which is wild bc we haven’t even moved in yet lol but it’s taken off a lil bit. Right now it’s only freshmen but after we move in I wanna try to have like…meet ups and stuff. Hopefully then more upperclassmen will join! Love being around disabled ppl.

Also my roommate is super cool. He dyed his hair green so we match ✌️😭 so cool. He’s giving me his old Monster High DS game 💕💞💖💗

Also my bestie and I are finally gonna get to hang out!!!! I wish we were in the same primer 😔 but it’s okay bc we’ll hang out after the orientation anyway.

I made 30 or so kandi bracelets with the name of our school and I’m just gonna…give ‘em out at orientation. Way overkill? Yes. A little weird? Indeed. Am I doing it anyway? Absolutely.

I’m also low key famous now for something kind of embarrassing but that’s a ramble for another time.