#maybe Ill do it as part of some background practice someday idk

[llitchilitchi]

a dsmp fake visual novel it's such a amazing concept

i had soooo many ideas for this - different plotpoints as separate novels, each of them with a title screen that changes over time depending on how far you get into the story

L'Manberg changing from a small wooded area with several houses into the expansive country that was Manberg, until it eventually turns to New L'Manberg - all the shots from the same perspective, just of different periods of time

the disc wars, or Dream's story, being presented through the changes in the Community House - first an empty lake when you first boot up the game, then the Community House of the early chapters with Dream sitting on the roof, until he suddenly isn't there anymore, and then the Community House falls apart and has water streaming down the broken bricks, and then, eventually, a new one takes its place, but it's empty and artifician

the Egg Arc told through images of the server as the blood vines slowly crawl closer and closer, enveloping the paths and houses

[jadeleechsupportgroup]

personal happenings and thoughts below the jump. cw talk of medical stuff, death, cancer, mental illness, bipolar, idk, a shit ton.

my dad is dying. he got diagnosed with metastatic liver cancer in may, a week after he turned 70. he got immunotherapy treatments all summer. it shrunk the tumor but also destroyed the rest of his body because he was already just so sick in general. about 3 (4?) weeks ago, they found blood clots in his lungs and an especially large one in his leg. they suggested discontinuing treatment and moving him into hospice care.

i inherited my food allergies and bipolar disorder from him. and i'm trying to use that as a turning point in my own life - doing my best to avoid those foods (gluten non-negotiable, dairy just a bad idea), going to therapy (including IOP), staying on medication, etc. all the good shit.

but it has been so hard watching him die.

He tells my mom how no matter when he sleeps, he has nightmares. Whenever I go back home (out of state) to help, I see the manic and depressive episodes hit fast and hard. I feel like I'm witnessing the brain damage in action, and I feel like I'm watching whatever will happen to me if I make it to that age. I also never sleep like a normal person and have horrible dreams. without the meds I hear background noise in my brain, which I only learned more recently is a form of psychosis.

it's easy to look back and either be angry or sad about how i never got this kind of help as a kid or teen. I had symptoms in early grade school. but it was the 90s (1900s am I right haha) so I doubt there was anywhere my parents could have even taken me for treatment.

I'm trying to just...feel my feelings as they come. Practicing the things I learned in group because they mostly make it manageable. blogging here, i guess. learning not to ruminate too hard on this or the other things in my life which are shit, which idk if i'll ever have the strength to blog about, but maybe someday.

my dad and i have had a more difficult relationship since the you-know-what in 2016. living at home because i could afford nothing else, and coming to the realization that i was non-binary in addition to ace, suddenly became a hellscape with him spewing bigotry so openly. when it gets right down to it, i'm sure he wouldn't have thrown me out on the street. which i know is the bare minimum. it's complicated. but I also know he loves me. I can tell lately he's been thinking back on his life and the mistakes/choices he made. it doesn't make it okay but it's.......something.

I don't know. I spend my days waiting for the crushing sadness to punch me in the chest. It hasn't yet. But it's dark all the time now and it's cold as shit and the holidays are the worst part of the year for me because so many bad anniversaries are coming up. I'm in a place I've only lived for a couple years and I don't really have any friends outside of work (which is, of course, two jobs, because capitalism is a plague).

I know things will happen. Some good things, some bad things, some things with no emotional points awarded. knowing it's gonna hurt is not doing me any favors. but I have to get this out somehow so here it is.

and now for some pics that cheer me up.

my dad and I are both pilots, so this one is cute.

I won an iguana at the carnival as a kid. He lived an extremely spoiled life. And got very long.

and, of course, the wiggly pig (one of amelia's numerous names)

thanks for reading if you've made it this far, or even if you didn't.

[mellifxuous]

I NEVER MADE THAT FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL POST AND HERE IT IS THE END OF THE SECOND WEEK AND I STILL HAVNT DONE IT AND IM IN THE MIDDLE OF WATCHING AVATAR AND YALL THESE VISUAL EFFECTS ARE KILLER BUT ANYWAY IG THIS IS THE END OF MY SECOND WEEK POST. So i decided to stay in act prep bc we’re doin college stuff in second semester and i wanna stay for that stuff bc its gonna be about like scholarships and applications and all tht good stuff and im glad i stayed bc were doin this college and career project and it made me realize that i really wanna be a visual effects artist instead of an animator like i wanted to be since like 7th grade. theyr like basically the same job but visual effects artists get to work w greenscreens and props and go travel and take pics for inspiration and then go animate them later but animators have like a solid desk job and theyre always sitting down and im not into that. And plus if i become a visual effects artist then i get to animate the stuff like transformers and avatar and make pretty backgrounds like lord of the rings and make flyin dragons and be a part of big movies so im here for tht. and the college i chose to research is like an art college in seattle bc they have a study abroad program and i love rain so like seattle is the best place plus my cousins live on an island in washington so theyll be close too and the school is so pretty. also this has nothing to do with it but i saw on like the school statistics that theres a 18% somethin asian population out of the like 3000 kids that go there and idk why but recently ive been liking asians and not even the korean or lightskin asians but like filipinos and tan asians bUT ANYWAY yeah so i’ll probably apply to that college even if i end up not goin there. So dance teams first football game was Thursday and it was rlly fun except the heart attack i was having bc i thot i was gonna be late and i didnt want to be the person that makes the whole team run bc i was the late one but i got there and i wasnt the last person to show up so i was so relieved. OHMYGSIS WHEN WE SWITCHED SIDES FOR HALFTIME I LOOKED UP INTO THE BLEACHERS AND I SEE JUSTIN CALEJA OR HOWEVER U SPELL IT BUT HE WAS THERE AND I SAID WOW. Also somthn really cool was we got at the highschool at like 6 before the sun went down and that highschool didnt have mountains or anythn near it like palo does so the team like watched the sunset together and it was sooo pretty like there was this one huge puffy cloud and it was like purple and orange and yellow and it was like the best thing and everyones legs were hurting bc the game lasted like 3 hours and we had to stand up in our squad lines the whole time n be prepared to dance whenever they made a touchdown or anythin but its okay bc i love the ppl kim put me next to and when we werent dancing and just had to stand there in position we all talked and made jokes and it was such a good time n JENIN WAS TALKING ABOUT THE PLAYERS NUMBERS AND AND SHE STARTS TO RALLY AND GOES “Lets go number 9!!!” AND DEADASS NUMBER 9 WAS ON THE BENCH HE WASNT EVEN PLAYING AND IT WAS SO FUNNY AND EVERYONE WAS DYINGI I HAVNT LAUGHED THAT HARD IN A LONG TIMe. our next game is on wednesday and its at palo this time which means we have to remember 10 dances instead of 5 and i hope i can remember the order they go in bc kim said shes gonna switch ppl out of the front line if they dont know the dances well and i dont wanna be switched out no thanks but its HARD when ur in the front line bc you dont have anyone to look at if u forget the dance but the back line can just watch us dance and then catch on if they forget odjshdhs that just means i needa practice the dances a ton and i dont have tiem for dat😩 thers not much else that went on in the two weeks im tryna think of stuff. Justin stamaria sang to me in korean today and it was just like rlly funny bc he switched seats with the dude who sat next to me so he could charge his laptop and we talked a lot and he has a nice voice but he does weed brownies so no thanks. oh and the new kid charlie from virgina is half japanese i found out but anyway he talked to me in the gym bc he wanted to know if ms jonsey was in the locker room and i said idk i didnt see her but then kim came out and saved the day and i said k bye. hes like cute and tall but we dont have english togethr anymore bc he switched out so like ill prob never talk to him ever again. Ohs key club tho theres so many asians idk why all the asians just decide to join key club but the first meeting was thursday and it was in a portable and there were SO MANY PEOPLE literally people were sitting on the floor and standing up and sharing laps like the portable was so packed i didnt know that many ppl could fit in there. BUT thers a lotta cute dudes so HEYEYEYE. Oh charlies in key club too i forgot u kno mayb i will talk to him agen someday. charlie, Justin stam, and julian lee are the cute ppl that i recognize but thers cute ppl that i dont know and i think key club is gonna be lit this year. Yall my schedule is so packed this year like on tuesdays i got dance practice till 4 and then tevakanui at 7 and some wednesdays i have football games from like 6-10 and then thursday is key club and more football games and fridays and Saturdays are gonna be competitions when comp season comes around and thats not even counting all the volleyball and basketball games were gonna do bc we havnt gotten those schedules yet but on top of that i need to fit in all this crap homework and my dad still wants me to bake 4 batches a week and i need to make time for key club events so i get my 50 service hours and i need to find time to finish my art portfolio so i can send it in on time bc i only have 1 PIECE BUT I NEED 24 AND wHEN WILL I GET TIME TO HANG W FRIENDS OR SIT DOWN AND WATCH A MOVIE OR SMTHN. dang i went from like doing nothing last year to busy busy busy busy busy this year but u know what im gonna do it i gotta take action and get everythin done on time my gpa depends on it im tryna graduate w honors yall dreamworks is waiting for me. ITS LIKE 2:30 Ive been writing this for an hour and its so long but thas fine this is like writing in a journal but typing. anywho i guess ill try to sleep now bc my eyes hurt but i kinda also wanna read and also wanna finish my movie but also needa like text ppl but ill prob do tht tkmorrow bc its so late and theyll be liek wth.