#maybe the pacing is partly to blame. IDK

[pianokantzart]

Aaahhh you guys weren't kidding about ep 4 being uncomfortable

[nyx-b-log]

The Disasters by M. K. England

read: sep 2022

summary:

set in the near-future of 2094, nax hall is a great pilot, but when he fails is exam for the ellis station academy - somewhere that would allow him to be able to be able to move to the colonies, other planets settled by humans - he feels very disheartened. his day only goes from bad to worse when the station is attacked by mysterious assailants, and he and three others who failed the exam are forced to flee together. when they are blamed for the attack, they must band together to right the wrongs done against them and spread the truth.

goodreads link

content warnings: anxiety, regular depictions of panic attacks, genre-typical violence.

rating: 3 stars

opinion:

it’s fine. not terrible, but not all that great either.

on paper this should be amazing. found family in space, some heist vibes, some revolution vibes, it's everything you could want in a book!

but somehow the pieces never quite come together.

the main characters all kind of blended together for me (i was still confusing case and zee by the end, which admittedly is probably partly my fault), with the only one who felt distinct being nax, and he's the pov character.

the book puts a lot of emphasis on the fact that they're close, that they're all there for each other, but even if you ignore the fact that this whole book takes place over a week (a week! a week!!), they're all incredibly touchy-feely even after just minutes spent together.

which, i get what the author was going for. these four have just experienced something incredibly traumatic, and nothing bonds people like trauma.

but, they never really talk about it? whenever case has a panic attack nax is very quick to offer physical comfort, but he never asks whether it's okay. idk about anyone else, but this would really, really bother me if i was in the middle of a panic attack.

(this is my general feel of the book, that things could have been improved in various places by just one more conversation)

it's important to the book that the four become friends, therefore they do. it's not really any deeper than that.

i just don't feel like we got to know each other individually well enough for me to care about them as a group. i didn't buy their closeness.

the plot didn’t make a great deal of sense to me either. it didn't need to, really - a nonsensical space romp can be just as much fun and would have suited the genre and style of the book - but there's just enough there for me to be left wanting by the end.

like, we barely see the villains. at all.

if you switch off your brain it was kind of a fun time, and the flying scenes were fun (they remind me of classic sci-fi, with the descriptions and general pacing) but whenever i was just getting into it, something would have that reminded me that the book wasn’t actually that good.

the world-building for the tech was a strong point (not deep, but sci-fi enough that i was sold on the universe), and the scenes on the ships and space dogfights were a highlight, but the planets definitely suffered. they never really felt distinct from one another, and all felt a lot like earth.

but, i appreciate the queerness of the story as a whole and the very bi-disaster that is the main character, nax.

maybe i would have enjoyed this more as a teenager. it is marketed as YA, but it feels to me like it skews a little younger than that.

personally, i think this needed another hundred pages of character development and to not take place over a week.

i wanted to like this more. i really did.

if you're in the market for a quick read with teen banter abound to switch your brain off to then this might be for you, but it's not a book i can imagine going back to.

spoilery stuff under the cut

god damn does nax need to communicate with rion and case. like, he's essentially romancing both of them, and tells neither??? just kind of shoves it under the rug until after the plot is over, and then it doesn't really come up again???

i get that they're kids, but come on!

[heavyns]

addiction.

smut ; kuroo x f!reader

warnings: yandere tones and behaviour, dubcon/noncon, size kink kinda, aphrodisiac, overstimulation, corruption kink, a mix of praise kink and degradation kink, lots of vulgar language, whatever the fuck horny 2 am me thought was dirty talk

important note : okay this is nasty and in no way should be condoned in real life. THIS IS NOT LOVE. consent is important and even if someone does consent, if theyre under the influence of alcohol, drugs, etc. that still does not count as consent.

anyways again, this is super self indulgent but some of you all might enjoy it so i'll leave this here. i might write a part 2 wherein the s/o is actually not under the influence of anything and kuroo's manipulative and possessive self really jumps out but idk

kuroo was someone who didn't get drunk easily, didn't get hooked on things easily. but when it came to you, he was addicted. obsessed. he knows its not healthy and his actions would be deemed disgusting but he couldn't help it. not when his sweet little kitten was always so much more compliant this way. you had enjoyed it anyways.

he remembers the first time he's done this. you were so eager to please him. even when it was your first time, you took his cock so so well. and he remembers the time after that, and then the next and the next. it's been a few months since he started doing this but each time he does, you still think it's your first.

well he was partly to blame for it of course. you'd already be drinking yourself into a blackout drunk stupor at a party and he'd add a drug to the last drink he'd let you take, causing your hormones to act up and make you feel like a bitch in heat. it also makes you conveniently forget everything when you wake up.

you both had gone out to get some air, the red cup you were holding already empty of its spiked contents. a small smirk plays on his face seeing you fidget with the outfit you donned for the party.

"kitten are you feeling alright?" you turn to him and start giggling.

"never better!" you singsonged as you step closer to him and flashed him the same dazzling smile he's hooked on.

with the close proximity you had put yourself in, he can already see your half-lidded eyes blown out and your chest heaving labored breaths. your gaze flashes down to his lips and in a second, you gave him a peck. and then another. and another. until it melted into something more heated.

you didn't even try to fight for dominance as you submitted yourself to him. god, how can someone taste just so addicting? he's already feeling a semi grow the moment small mewls and moans come spilling out of your lips. the kiss breaks off as soon as he starts feeling your nails dig into his arm, signaling that you need to breathe.

"you've had too much to drink, how about we head home already?" he whispered to your ear, sending chills down. you only absentmindedly nodded at kuroo and proceeded to let him lead you. it was so endearing how much you trusted him. you didn't even question why he was bringing you over to his place instead of yours, already used to waking up on his bed with legs slightly sore but a smile and thanks as kuroo supposedly kept you safe.

you really had trusted him too much. it makes him want to just lock you up, keep you hidden from the rest of the world. it's so so tempting in all honesty, especially as he could be the only one to taint you. no, he should be the only one who can corrupt you. he is and will be the only one who stains your purity.

and he'll make sure of that.

who else can make your body elicit such reactions from just foreplay, if not him? who else can make your mind blank with thoughts of only him and pleasure? who else can make pure, delicate and oh-so-innocent you moan and say such sinful words?

it was addicting. being able to taint you over and over again. it's so cute how each time he does this, the look you give when you first see his cock is always the same, a mix of awe, anticipation and maybe even horror. he knows you were wondering if he can even fit but he already knew the answer.

a small plea leaves your mouth as he rubs his tip against your heat, collecting slick as he goes back and forth from your entrance. he chuckles as he can already see your mind go into overdrive from the teasing.

"please what kitten? i can't hear you."

"put... put it in, please, tetsuro."

"it? be more specific. and besides isn't this your first time, we should take it slow." he whispers to your ear in response. you let out a small hitch as at this point, he had aligned his cock right at your entrance already. he gave your thigh a squeeze as he watches your body squirm, eyes saying he won't let up until you say what he wants you to say.

"your cock! please! i'm begging you i'm ready just pleasepleaseplease-" you trail off as he lets the tip in, your body already welcoming it greedily. he watches your expression twist into that of pain, pleasure, confusion, and lust.

"your wish is my command, my love."

kuroo lets out a hiss as he pushes more of his length in, your walls already squeezing against him. it amazes him, how tight you still are. his hands grip your hips, keeping you in place as the sensation of him filling you to the brim was too much.

"t-tetsu- oh my god. pull.. pull out please you can't-" tears start forming as your former thoughts of you being able to take all of him dissipated. he quickly starts kissing you with fervor, swallowing your cries as he continues his actions, stretching you out entirely.

this was definitely one of his favorite parts from this regimen. the sight of you under him looking so small, tears streaming down your pretty face with his cock balls deep in you. if he could snap a photo to preserve this moment, he would. but he settles to commiting it to memory instead. its not like he needs a photo when he's seen you make this same face each time he makes love to you.

but soon enough, he can feel you tightening around him, confusion further settling in your face even more as the pain slowly fades into something else.

"see kitten, it's fine. you can take me. your body is all ready, adjusted to my cock so quick. like it was made to be fucked by me." his hips start thrusting into you, setting a slow and dragging pace at first. making sure you feel every vein, every inch of his cock.

"look at you, already making such a slutty face just from this pace? first time taking a dick but your pussy is so fucking eager, sucking me right back in." you could only moan from the dirty words that come tumbling from your boyfriend's mouth, hips starting to buck up into him, wanting to feel more.

he tutted and pulled out, a whine escaping you instantaneously. with little to no effort, he flipped your body over on your knees, his hand grabbing your hair and pulling your back to an arc. his length already probing back at your entrance and without warning, slamming back inside you with full force. a rough pace replacing the sensual one from before.

"i was taking it slow since this is your supposed first time, but you're such a whore aren't you? you really want to get fucked that badly? you really want to feel just how ruined you can get?" he asked but your mind couldn't form anything comprehensive from the way he was treating you. only your moans, his low groans and grunts and the lewd sound of skin slapping can be heard.

ah, how much he had loved this part as well. every single time he starts out slow, fully knowing just how needy you'd be from the aphrodisiac and foreplay, you'd always start begging to be fucked into oblivion. and who was he to deny the desires of his goddess?

he starts leaving open-mouth kisses to your body, careful not to leave any marks because as much as he wants to, he didn't want you to find out what happened the next morning. one hand trails up to play with your breasts and give your neglected nipple the much needed attention it wants. the other hand slithers down from your hips to your clit, causing a sharp inhale from you.

"fuck, you take me so well. even on your actual first time with me back then, you've done such a good job too. and still so tight- ah- i can't count how many times i've fucked you raw like this." his words were barely registering in your head as you start to feel lightheaded from the overdrive of pleasure and lust he's put you in.

"you forgot, but your body clearly didn't. you're so fucking wet, you're dripping onto my bedsheets. did you really miss my cock that much? you missed it didn't you? tell me how much you missed it." he prods as his hand comes back to your hips and helps you meet him halfway into the thrusts.

"i- ah fuck- missed you and your cock so so so much tetsu it feels so- oh! - good to have it in me again!"

"tell me how much you want it- no- need it, kitten."

"you t-taste so good- oh god! - i don't know how i lived without your cock before. it's so- ah! - thankyouthankyouthankyou!" you exclaimed as he pressed his chest flush against your back and brings his lips close to your ear.

"such a whore i've turned you into. you were such a good girl too, pure like white, just waiting for me to taint and stain. and now you're a cock-loving slut. all for me. my cock-loving slut. my perfect little kitten. my goddess to corrupt."

he starts leaving kisses all over your cheek until you turn your head and meet his lips with heat, saliva dribbling down the corner of your mouth as your hands travels up. one to entangle in his hai and the other to start playing with your nipple. you can feel it, the twisting and tightening of something like a knot in you.

then you start seeing stars, as kuroo hits a certain spot in you. a whole new wave of pleasure crashing into you as he keeps hitting the same spot repeatedly. and soon enough, his name starts tumbling out of your mouth like a mantra, a prayer. and the knot snapped.

he lets out a curse as you trap him in a vice-like grip, stars dancing your vision as you moan out his name. your body goes limp and leans onto kuroo's for support as he holds you up, hips still bucking into you.

"tetsuro- a-ah! - it hurts! fuck p-please no more i'm-" you protest as the overstimulation kicks in.

"it's okay kitten. you'll be okay. just one more, you can take one more. you'll be a good girl right? for me?"

he chooses to ignore your pleas and opted to leave kisses on your neck as tears start to wellin your eyes from the pain, mind screaming that enough. but he knows you'll be enjoying yourself soon, you always did.

and soon enough, you feel yourself melt back into his ministrations and submit into the lust, a high derived from the pain and pleasure nearing. he can feel himself reaching his high as well, the pace becoming erratic. then it became too much, your back arcing and your vision nearly going white as you drawl out his name, your walls clenching around him, and he couldn't pull out in time.

"ah! ah shit- fuck kitten! shitshitshit-" he cursed as his hips sputter into you, hands gripping hard on your hips, pulling your body closer into him. you were too good to him, milking his cock dry streak after streak. he hasn't cummed this hard for a long time, and he was sure every inch of your womb was painted with his seed. but as much as he loves the feeling of filling you up, he doesn't know if you're on the pill.

once the orgasms died down, he pulled out, a thick, heavy flow of his cum leaking out. and fuck, kuroo would be lying if the sight of your fucked out body under him bathing in the afterglow as his seed pours out of you didn't make his dick twitch.

rolling your body over right side up, he bends down and starts leaving a trail of kisses from your lips down to your abdominal area, eliciting small whines and mewls from you.

giving one last kiss atop your womb, he meets your eyes with a loving gaze. well, he supposes you getting pregnant from this isn't so bad.

he just has to make sure you remember your next time.

[pressradio]

So it’s time for my long post about Charles' season. 

We are going to look at the whole season a bit more in detail, talk about consistency and compare Charles’ season with both Carlos’ and Lando’s. Actually I tend to think it’s not correct to compare them, because they are different drivers with different setups (actually not sure that I meant this word) and with Lando even different cars. However, why should I be silent if everyone does that.

This post has no disrespect for Lando’ and Carlos’ achievements. They both did astonishing things. But this is about Charles.

I collected some statistics that were necessary in my opinion. You might have a look HERE. Remember, I’m not a robot and did it manually, so if I messed up some data please tell me and I’ll check and update.

Let’s go.

We should start with a short summary.

Lando dominated in the first half of the season. Had 4 podiums (P3 Imola, P3 Monaco, P3 Austria, P2 Monza) and Pole in Russia. DNF in Hungary. 20 times in points. Actually Lando carried McLaren on his shoulders the whole season and we should praise it. And if Daniel was somewhere close, Ferrari would ended P4 (btw, thank you, Daniel)

Carlos had a GREAT season. We can’t say anything else. He was adapting during idk maybe first 3 races. No DNF, 20 times in points, 4 podiums (P2 Monaco (big thank you to Valttery’s wheel), P3 Hungary (thanks to AM), P3 Russia (solid race in wet conditions) and P3 Abu Dhabi (don’t want to talk about this fucked up race)), 1 first row in Russian. Absolutely amazing. And I would say 3 really bad pit stops.

Charles was 7 times in TOP 4 with just one podium (P2 in Great Britain that had to be P1, but FIA and the Ferrari engine had their own opinion), 1 DNS (don’t even need to mention the race) and 1 DNF (thanks, Lance). 18 times in points. And just 5.5 behind Carlos and 1 point behind Lando.

And now we are going to talk about some shit that happened.

EMILIA ROMAGNA

Charles didn’t have any radio since Red Flags (BOT-RUS crash) and didn’t know what type of restart it would be (I mean he was shown the table probably, but it’s not the same as radio) and lost it to Lando. 

MONACO

I partly disagree that this DNS is Charles’ fault. His fault that he crashed (and actually got this pole by this, because BOT and VER kinda were robbed, but nor NOR nor SAI haven’t improved their time). But checking fucking car is NOT HIS JOB. I would prefer P5 that could turn into P3 because they had pace. But Charles season was all about “we would throw any guaranteed points to potential win”.

FRANCE WAS JUST SHIT.

STYRIAN GP 

Contact with Pierre was Charles’ mistake, but owerall it was great race with 2 pits where he ended P7 straight after NOR and SAI who had 1 pit.

AUSTRIAN GP

“It’s better to start on medium”

BRITISH GP

I fucking died during all these engine cuts. And if NOT this probably it should be the WIN even with just 10s HAM penalty.

HUNGARY

THANKS LANCE!!!!!!!! (it was quite a new engine, LANCE!!!!!)

BELGIUM

We don’t count it as a race in this house.

RUSSIA

Firstly, I thought that it was Charles’ reckless decision to stay another lap, but it turned into that Ferrari just couldn't imagine that somehow BOTH their drivers might have needed pitstop in these changeable shitty conditions. And both his pits were shitty as well.

QATAR 

Smell of broken chassis, love it.

SAUDI ARABIA

Wrong tactic (that wasn’t actually wrong, but fuck you FIA that can’t understand that fucking barrier need to be repaired)

ABU DHABI

Silly mistake by Charles (when Max left pitlane) and shitty race.

Charles had a GREAT season, he managed his tyres, he did jist two small mistakes (well ruins Pierre’s race wasn’t small one). He OUTPERFORMED both Carlos and Lando and he has never fucking blame the team about some contradictory decisions that were made (actually most of the time he blamed himself).

having 2 races in points less, being out of the race 2 times, having just 1 podium and still SO close to P5. This is consistency. 

[snkpolls]

SnK Episode 68 Poll Results (for Anime Only Watchers)

The poll closed with 59 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results for the Anime Only Watchers’ poll. If you wish to see the results for the Manga Readers’ poll, click here.

Anime only watchers, beware of spoilers if you venture over to the manga readers’ poll results.

--

RATE THE EPISODE 53 Responses

The response was overwhelmingly positive with 88.7% of responses giving the episode a 4 or a 5. In addition, there weren’t any 1s or 2s this time around. A noted contrast to the previous episode. Suppose Sasha’s death ruined the experience for some.

it epic

I NEED MORE

awesome

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING MOMENTS WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 55 Responses

The scene with the largest amount of reception (18.2%) was the final scene of the episode, where Eren repeats his mantra to himself in the mirror while revealing his new look. Behind that was the reveal that Armin is talking to Annie (10.9%). At a tie (9.1%), people most enjoyed Hange’s eccentric greeting to the Marleyan soldiers and Onyankopon explaining why he believes people are different. At another tie (7.3%), were the scenes where Sasha is enjoying Nicolo’s cooking, and the scene where Eren is washing himself at the sink.

WHAT WAS THE MOST EMOTIONAL PART OF THE VISIT TO SASHA’S GRAVE? 57 Responses

The visit to Sasha’s grave was packed with many tragic moments. According to the responders, the most emotional of those was Connie’s line about losing “his half” (47.4%). Following that we have the scene of grieving Mikasa with 24.6%. In third place is Nicolo’s general grief. Other responses were, in this order, Sasha’s Father agreeing to a free meal from Nicolo, seeing the girl that Sasha saved from a Titan all those years ago and simply Sasha’s family appearing.

AFTER SEVERAL TENSE AND ACTION PACKED EPISODES, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE TRANSITION TO SOMETHING MORE CALM? 53 Responses

Ever since the series started, AoT has had a clear contrast between the content of its episodes. Episode 68 of the series notably contrasts with the prior 3-4 episodes. So we wanted to know how the fans respond to these sorts of things. 32.1% stated that they enjoyed the slower paced episode after weeks of chaos. An equal number of responders (32.1%) noted that although they far preferred the action-based content, they understood the need for the slower episodes. A little over 13% said they actually preferred the exposition-esque content, so they were happy with the change and finally, a bit over 11% stated that they were indifferent. 

I view exposition equally as important as action. 

Watching the show dissect what happened before and after the attack on Marley made everything so clear, I love how they were able to capture the drama of both sequences

I'm definetly here more dialogue heavy epiodes and flashbacks but maybe with a slower pacing. It felt a little messy because the episode was also dealing with Sasha's as well as backstory. I think thst was probably intentional though.

They both have their merits.

Still feels great

WOULD YOU RATHER GET A SURPRISE GREETING FROM EREN & HANGE, OR ARMIN & LEVI? 55 Responses

Marleyan Soldiers got two sets of surprises in this episode. One from Eren and Hange, one from Armin and Levi. The fans would clearly prefer to get one of those from Eren and Hange (78.2%) than Armin and Lavi (21.8%).

ON A SCALE OF 1-5, HOW HAPPY ARE YOU TO BE BACK ON PARADIS? 55 Responses

We recently returned to Paradis Island and according to the responders, it was a much wanted development, with 85.4% giving a 4 or a 5 when it comes to hype about the return to the island.

ARMIN SAYS THAT ONCE EREN INFILTRATED MARLEY, THERE WAS NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO ATTACK IN ORDER TO PREVENT IMMEDIATE RETALIATION. DO YOU AGREE WITH HIM? 55 Responses

The raid on Liberio is being questioned not only by the audiences, but also by the characters in-universe. Still, when it comes to Armin’s justification for the attack, the majority (69.1%) think that there was no other choice for Paradis, be it because they could afford to lose Eren/Founding Titan or because Marley would have retaliated easily. Others (~10%) think that they either should have made more effort to find Eren before it came to the raid or should have just let him go. 14.5% simply aren’t sure. 

They had no choice but to retrieve Eren, but that doesn't necessarily mean a full blown attack. I think Armin is trying to convince himself here. 

Yes. Marley could have captured Eren and had Zeke or someone else eat him for the founding powers.

DO YOU THINK IT’S PLAUSIBLE THAT MARLEY WILL FIND A WAY TO QUICKLY COUNTERATTACK ANYWAY? 53 Responses

When it comes to Marley, one could wonder if they will attempt a quick counterattack. 67.9% believe so, 15.1% dissent. And 9.4% state that they have been spoiled.  For the write-in responder who feels that we are spoiling via the question itself, we assure you that anything we ask here had once been a matter of debate among manga readers when the corresponding chapters were fresh and we did not know the outcome. We would just like to give anime only watchers the same opportunity to have these debates. 

I don't know.

The fleet has been destroyed, but what about the airforce (if they have one)? I doubt Paradis has the mean to counter that. 

I'm not really sure honestly

This question is a spoiler itself: if you ask this, maybe it means that's what will happen. Thank you.

WHEN EREN FIRES HIS GUN AT THE END OF EMA’S TALK, IT TRANSITIONS TO SASHA TAKING A BULLET IN THE PREVIOUS EPISODE. DO YOU FEEL THAT THE NARRATIVE IS TRYING TO PIN THE BLAME SOLELY ON EREN? 55 Responses

Eren’s rifle shot was juxtaposed with Sasha’s death, showcasing a possible thread in the narrative. Does the narrative believe that Eren is to blame for Sasha’s death? 38.2% think it’s a yes and 45.5% think it’s a possibility. On the other hand, almost 11% don’t think the story is trying to go for that route. 

While I don’t think it’s trying to pin the blame solely on Eren. I think it’s trying to say he shares a large portion of the blame.

He may be partly at fault, but not fully.

Yes. But they shouldn't. Because it was GabBitch who killed Sasha, and GabBitch alone.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT ZEKE, YELENA AND THE VOLUNTEERS ARE SINCERE IN THEIR WISH TO HELP PARADIS? 55 Responses

Zeke, Yelena and Co. are a set of characters. Are they a trustworthy set of characters? Certainly up to debate. 67.8% believe they’re trustworthy to a degree, at the very least. In contrast to 23.6% who find no trust in them. A select few have been spoiled. 

Mmm Yelena & co. maybe...I love Zeke but he's big sus this season

I think they are loyal to Zeke, and his goal is to get the funding titan. At the moment, this means allying themselves with Paradis, but that could easily change. 

They are very sus, Yelena is especially loose. IDK who they'll be loyal too.

DO YOU THINK THAT EREN WANTS TO USE THE WALL TITANS AS A SIMPLE DETERRENT, OR DOES HE WANT TO FLATTEN THE EARTH? 55 Responses

The possibility of a Rumbling has been brought up more than a few times throughout the series (mostly this season) and the question remains, “will Eren use the Rumbling to flatten the Earth?” 60% think that’ll be the case, in contrast to almost 11% who dissent. 27.3% were already spoiled about the outcome. 

That idiot definetly wants to flatten the earth. Empathy and logic has never been Erens strong suit.

DO YOU THINK THAT EMA HAVE BECOME MORE DISTANT FROM EACH OTHER? 55 Responses

The iconic EMA trio has been together through thick and thin, so something truly must happen for them to “break up”, so to say. Would one say that they have grown apart? 56.4% think so, but only insofar as Eren goes. 25.5% believe that they all have grown apart to a degree. 9.1% dissent to these assertions and a select few have been spoiled. 

Even Mikasa and Armin seem distant! They were coping on their own after coming back to Paradis. 

I like to refer to them as E     MA. lol. Yehhhh anyway- somethings defs off with them.

ARMIN SAID HE DIDN’T SEE ANY NOTEWORTHY MEMORIES FROM BERTOLT WHEN EREN ASKED HIM ABOUT IT. DO YOU THINK HE’S BEING TRUTHFUL? 55 Responses

A whole bunch of people doubt Armin’s statement about not seeing anything useful in Bertolt’s memories (81.8%), though some (14.5%) think the boy’s telling the truth. A select few have been spoiled.

DO YOU THINK MIKASA IS LOSING HOPE IN THE WORDS THAT ONCE GAVE HER STRENGTH? 56 Responses

Long ago, Mikasa stated that one must fight, survive and win. If they don’t fight, they won’t survive and will lose. But with some losses drumming up on the plate, could she start doubting this mantra? 46.4% believe that we cannot say one way or another until we see more. 26.8% don’t believe that Sasha’s death will shake her confidence in that belief and it’s just a brief moment of doubt, in contrast to 23.2% who believe that Sasha’s demise will irreparably change Mikasa’s philosophy. 

No....? I did't even realise she was that close to Sasha. I feel like if she loses Eren THEN she'll lose hope.

what words?

Mikasa deserves better than emo world destroyer Eren!!! She's too pure.

EREN SEEMED TO BE MISSING WHEN THE SURVEY CORPS WERE INTERACTING WITH THE VOLUNTEERS. WHY DO YOU THINK THAT MIGHT BE? 54 Responses

Eren wasn’t present when the others were interacting with the volunteers. Some believe it is noteworthy, others do not think so. 38.9% simply aren’t certain. 29.6% think it’s the SC decision to keep Eren away from Zeke’s followers. On the other, 20.4% predict that it was Eren’s own choice of isolation. A select few have simply been spoiled.

Didn’t notice this until now

Maybe he had already left for Marley?

ARMIN WAS HOPEFUL THAT THEY COULD SOLVE THEIR PROBLEMS THROUGH DIPLOMACY. EREN FELT THAT PEACE WAS NEVER AN OPTION. WHO DO YOU AGREE WITH MORE? 54 Responses

A noted contrast in Eren and Armin’s beliefs was showcased in this episode. 57.4% find themselves siding more with Eren’s anti-diplomatic measures, while 42.6% support Armin’s more peaceful ways.

WE GOT A GLIMPSE OF ANNIE IN THIS EPISODE. WHAT BEST MATCHES YOUR THOUGHTS? 55 Responses

Annie has been encased in that crystal for years at this point, both in and out of universe. Is she going to get out of that crystal? Just a little over 69% believe so, in contrast to the one person who doesn’t. 23.6% were spoiled one way or another. 

Sis is running out of time...it would really suck if her 13 years were up before she even got out of her lil crystal

This has GOT to wake up, surely.

She got a nose reduction surgery

HOW DO YOU THINK ZEKE WILL RATE HIS STAY AT THE HOTEL OF GIANT TREES? 55 Responses

Zeke seemed shocked to find his hotel to be a forest of Giant Trees. An iconic location, seen throughout the series. We asked how you believe Zeke will rate his stay. A plurality (40%) think that he won’t be there long enough to do so. 29.1% believe he’ll give it an average score, in contrast to 23.6% who imagine Zeke loving his getaway! 7.3% have been spoiled.

WHAT BEST DESCRIBES YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT PIXIS ARRESTING THE VOLUNTEERS? 55 Responses

It would appear Pixis detained the volunteers while the SC were away. The majority (52.7%) don’t find it to be a controversial decision, noting that both parties have a mutual understanding between each other. A noted minority (29.1%) thought that it was actually the best course of action, arguing that the Paradisian Military has no way of knowing whether the volunteers are trustworthy or not now that Zeke is here on Paradis. In contrast, 18.2% thought that it was mistake, given how much assistance the Volunteers have provided to the islanders.

WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE WAY THE PARADISIANS ARE SEEN TREATING MARLEYANS? 55 Responses

We saw some noted mistreatment of Marleyans by the Paradisians this episode. So we asked the responders what their thoughts were on this development. A plurality (47.3%) couldn’t say one way or the other and needed to see more to pass their judgment. 34.5% were open in their condemnation of those actions, in contrast to the 12.7% who were supportive of such activities. 

Cycle of haaaate. No one is justified in acting that way but it's understandable that they do

Some good, some bad. Military police doing the worst of course. 

An eye for an eye ✌

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

I don't know what to say anymore. This episode made me question my previous ideologies regarding the characters

In my opinion, this episode has more fanservice than usual, from the ship moments of Levihan and Aruani, and to the display of Mikasa's ass and Eren's abs, but Mappa is not over the top and can still get the plot moving and still have those moments that can move the viewers.

I believe in Onyankopon supremacy

Even though I love Mappa post timeskip designs, the pre timeskip design of some characters seemed a bit off to me (particularly Armin and Eren). It distracted me a bit from the action. 

Eren standing Infront of the mirror was way better in manga. Mappa need to put more effort. No hate tho. 

Idk, didn't blow me away. I'm seriously concerned for Armin, he's definetly losing it. Appreciated the flashbacks and the new characters too. Onyankopon has captured my mf heart, if he dies, I die too. 😌

Chad Eren

Niccolo x Sasha OTP

What the shit dude…

Gabi will forever be the worst character to me, no matter what the anime tries to do to justify her

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 54 Responses

Thanks again to everyone who responded!

[kidrat]

hello I want to talk a bit about some experiences I’ve had that could potentially be autistic stuff, mostly times when I could have gone nonverbal but I’m not sure if it counts but maybe some other little stuff too? partly just to put it in words for myself but if people wanted to comment on stuff that would be cool I know I have a few autistic followers/mutuals through cosmere and stuff.

ANYWAY my experience with what I Think going may be going nonverbal is p limited because it’s only happened like four or five times and only since I was like fourteen/fifteen (which already is why I’m not sure if it counts? though I’ve heard sometimes the stress of a new Layer of life stress can make you like, show more symptoms idk.) The first time it happened was just after my year ten mock exams (I struggle with mental health a lot just post exams), and after that I remember 2) on a holiday (I struggle with those for multiple reasons), 3) in school after a teacher tried to dissuade me from dropping a subject, 4) maybe two or three times that have merged together because I was always on the sofa with my mum trying to comfort me, less sure of causes. 

What happens is, I have that last straw moment where everything is Too Much emotionally, and then I cry very hard, like Violently and scarily (like scary to me because of intensity) I would say. (If I had to give this Thing a name I just say I freaked out. It’s definitely not panic attacks because those feel far more physical for me, whether hyperventilating or shaking) This can happen on its own but can also develop, and one of the next stages is often than once I’ve come down from the crying (and during, potentially) I find it very hard to look at faces. I tend to find this tiring anyway when angry/sad/bored etc. But rather than just having to stare over people’s shoulders, in this kind of situation I have to look at the floor or something because faces are too much. I don’t know what it would be like if I did look at a face at this point? From there I normally can speak but sometimes it gets into what I believe may be me going nonverbal. 

It’s very hard to explain what this ‘inability’ or unwillingness to speak Feels like. I’ve heard people say about going nonverbal that it feels like their throat/mouth is sealed up? And they can’t force words out? For me it feels more like a very fine line between not wanting to and not being able to voice my thoughts. and like at the point it’s at, it doesn’t matter which because it’s too tiring to speak if I even could. Like it’s less a physical feeling and more emotional. This hasn’t happened for a while but I think occasionally I’ve been able to answer yes/no type questions and that kind of thing? So I’d say it’s less speaking is the issue and more spontaneous speech? A bit like when I’m depressed and I can’t start things and I’ll just be waiting for some maybe nonexistent force to make to just Do The Thing except here I’m just, waiting on myself to start speaking. 

Maybe it’s also worth noting that this behaviour seems to have weirded out/confused the people around me? For instance my mum has got very worried about me after most of these situations and/or been frustrated when I couldn’t verbalise why I was upset (ie. she’d repeatedly ask what’s wrong and get upset herself when I couldn’t answer. Which then made me more stressed though I don’t blame her being scared because I also, was scared.) Specifically when I freaked out on the holiday I remember I locked myself in the bathroom to recover when she left the room. For me this made complete sense because I knew I needed silence, privacy, and somewhere to pace a bit and to splash cool water on my face but she was scared and seemed to need to hear me say something. I remember blowing my nose loudly to let her know I was in there? Which does imply that yeah, thought I can’t remember how the not speaking felt it was probably involuntary. I’ve also had teachers annoyed that I wouldn’t reply to them.

so. yeah that’s what’s up? tldr in some of my most stressed moments I’ve experienced something distinct from a panic attack or regular cry that has involved difficulty or unwillingness to talk and has seemed strange to others. 

I’m also wondering if anyone has input on sensory issues and social issues. Specifically about sensory issues I wondered if its possible to not notice them so much if you avoid certain things? For instance I just don’t wear stuff that is made of certain materials or tight around my legs or forearms, but when I do it seems to contribute to any tiredness I feel. So could for example not having many of those things in my wardrobe make me appear not to struggle so much? (and like etc. with other senses) Also while I don’t think I struggle to navigate social situations much (though I do find less point in some social stuff than other people), but they do tire me out to an extent beyond normal introversion. For example just existing in a public space can sap some energy, so if I’m at school all day I’ll be anxious about going out with my friends afterwards because I know I just won’t have the energy for. but like specifically the social energy. This comes and goes and can depend on how tired I am anyway or how I’ll have to socialise but idk does it count I guess. 

That got long, I’m very sorry but I guess there’s my questions? maybe don’t reblog if you have something helpful to say because this stuff feels v private and while I’m fine with people seeing it I don’t want it spread around. I’d be very grateful if people did have advice tho. 

[astral-writings]

Forgetful (Part 2)

Word Count: 1,548 Reader Gender: Female I guess idk  Warnings: Cussing, car accident, Love Interest: Pietro Maximoff Note: I know some of you are like ???? didn’t I read this??? and yes, but you read the other version. I’ve rewritten it because it was brought to my attention that it was vv cringy, and honestly I couldn’t agree more. So, here we are with a new version, and hopefully a better one.

lt’s been quite some time since I left Pietro, about a month actually. Pietro has tried calling me more than once, but I’ve ignored him every single time. Why the hell should I pick up? He doesn’t deserve to try to apologize, there’s no excuse for what he did. So, he doesn’t deserve the chance to try and make one. At first, I felt sorry for myself. I blamed me rather than him, and almost called him to try and make up. That’s when Nat and Tony talked some sense into me.

They helped me realize that what he did wasn’t my fault. Now, rather than being sad, I’m just angry. I was angry that he had the audacity to do what he did, then argue with me over it. I was angry that he thought that he wasn’t in the wrong. I was angry at everything he did and said. I liked the anger, it was better than the sadness I had felt. Tony then suggested I take my anger to the training room, and it was a great idea.

I rarely got time to train, let alone the motivation, and I liked it. My combat skills and strength have increased in such a short about of time. It didn’t take long for the news of the break up to spread across to the other members of the team. I already knew that Wanda knew, the both of them were siblings after all. Soon enough the everyone knew, and in turn everyone was angry. Well, we were missing a few people.

Bruce was missing, as usual, and had been missing for a while. I doubted he’d return anytime soon, given his history. Thor simply wasn’t on Earth, and he was probably keeping peace in the realms. I had grown closer to the team, and it was one good thing that came out of The Incident. Bucky and I had become good friends, but Tony still remained my best friend. We were currently watching T.V., Bucky and I had placed bets on the news.

He bet that they’d rerun the Loki story again, even though it’s been quite a while since the incident. I, on the other hand, had bet that they couldn’t milk that story any more than they already have. Unfortunately, it turned out that he was right, once again. I huffed, pulling out a 20 as he just smiled at me, rubbing in the fact that he won. I simply rolled my eyes, shoving the bill into his hand.

“Well, I guess you were right.” I huffed.

“Of course I’m right, I’m always right.” He said.

“I think I liked you more when you were being all dark and brooding.” I said, smiling at the face he made.

“I’m not dark and brooding, I’m a damn delight.” He said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Oh, my bad, I guess I read all the signs wrong.” I joked and I saw him squint.

“What signs are you fucking-” Bucky began, but was silenced by my pillow.

“Watch your fucking mouth, I’m trying to watch the damn news.” I demanded jokingly and he shook his head in disapproval.

“Bitch.” He mumbled.

“Whore.” I shot back.

This was partly why I enjoyed having conversations with Bucky, or any members of the team for that matter. It was easy to talk to them, and it reminded me of how many times Pietro and I fought with one another. A part of me does still love him, I mean, we were together for a long time. I know better than to just go crawling back or something like that. What he did was inexcusable, and that’s all there is to it.

Honestly, I don’t even know what to do with him, but ignoring him seems like a pretty good decision. Even if I were to take him back somehow, he’d have to prove to me that he’s changed. He’d have to prove he’s different, and I’m not sure that he can do that. My phone made a noise, notifying me that I had a text message. I rolled my eyes as I read the message, and it was from none other than Pietro himself.

Please pick up.

No, leave me alone.

Please, I need to talk to you.

No, what you need is a new attitude, and maybe a reality check.

Just give me another chance.

To what? Break my heart again? Not a chance.

Please, just meet me at the park, and give me 5 minutes.

What do I get in return? 5 minutes of Hell?

If you don’t like what I say, then I’ll never bother you again.

That offer did sound rather enticing, especially considering he hasn’t made that offer before. I’ll have to think about it for a moment before giving him an answer. It’d be nice to have him stop trying to call and text me every 5 minutes of every damn day. I sighed as I stared at the screen, noticing Bucky raise an eyebrow at me from the corner of my eye. I showed him the messages that had been exchanged, and he shrugged.

“What should I do, Buck-a-roo?” I asked.

“First, you should stop calling me that. Second, I’d go for it. It’ll get him off your back, and if you don’t want to listen to him, you can just tune him out.” Bucky offered and I nodded.

“Very true,” I nodded, “I’m doing it.”

Fine, but 5 minutes is all you’re getting.

I stood up, shoving my phone in my back pocket before going to slip on my shoes. I didn’t announce my departure, it’s not like I was heading to France or something. Plus, Bucky already knows where I’m going. It’s not that big of a deal, really. I’ll just get scolded by Tony for not telling him where I was going. You know what, I’ll just text him. The last thing I want to do is spend an hour listening to him drone on about the how dangerous it is not telling anyone.

Heading to the park, be back in a few.

I kept my phone in my hand as I walked, expecting Tony to be texting me back soon. Thankfully, the park is right down the street, otherwise I would’ve said no. I’m too lazy to be walking or driving somewhere that’s not close by. I saw Pietro text me again, wondering where I was. He’s always forgetting that he’s literally the only one with super speed. I, a lowly human, must walk at but a snail’s pace to get everywhere.

I texted him, letting him know that I was on my way. I felt my chest tighten a little as I walked down the sidewalk. We haven’t seen one another since what happened, and I had planned on keeping it that way. I just don’t think he can ever grow up, honestly. With everything he did, and how he treated me before, it’s kind of like a slap in the face. Well, if everything goes south, at least I got him off of my back.

I looked both ways before beginning to cross at the crosswalk. My phone rang, and I picked it up once I saw that it was Tony. I looked up, seeing Pietro waiting at the other end. I did a small wave, and he returned it. I started talking to Tony, but everything moved slowly. Well, it moved slow and fast at the same time. Pietro was frozen in shock, the event completely catching him off guard. The headlights of the truck met my eyes, and I was also frozen.

I couldn’t move, and even if I did, the car was too close for me to get out of the way in time. A gasp rushed through my throat, filling my lungs up with pure fear. The hood of the vehicle collided with my abdomen, and I screamed as pain shot through me. I faintly heard Tony yelling onto the phone, but it was knocked out of my grip before I could even get another breath out. I felt one of my legs shatter from the impact.

As my body rolled on top of the hood, I felt my hip bones shatter as well. Due to the speed of the truck, I rolled from the windshield and to the roof. I felt my skin rip under the metal of the vehicle, and the wind get knocked out of me when I was thrown onto the pavement. My body felt like it was on fire, and I knew I had broken more than just my leg and hip. A new pain surged through me as a car drove over me, others screeching to a halt.

I would’ve screamed, but my senses were overridden with pain. Darkness dotted my vision as my ears faintly picked up my name being called. My lids were slowly closing, the pain and the darkness persuading them to shut. I was lifeless, and I couldn’t move anything if I tried. Everything hurt too much, and it was difficult to breath. I felt a hand go on my cheek, registering a voice but not registering what they were saying.

“Please, please stay with me.” A voice said.

Everything went black.

[beautiful-rebellious-sunflower]

episode six ‘His Sister’s Keeper’

I know this is a super important backstory ep so I was like ‘why am I feeling lowkey meh about watching this episode??’ and then I remembered

no Abby or Kane or Team Adult at all in this one :(

also more Clarke/Finn/Raven love triangle bs urgh

BUT THE FLASHBACK STUFF IS SUPER GOOD although...I always wondered how the heck BlakeMom managed to hide nine months of pregnancy on the Ark

also why in the heck is Lincoln hiding out in some random ass dingy cave a lot of this episode makes no goddamn sense

“You have a girlfriend Finn; there’s really nothing left to say” OH I CAN THINK OF A FEW THINGS TO SAY TO HIM CLARKE HONEY

man scrappy season one Octavia is so darn likable, I mean I still like her fine in later seasons but here I’m really unequivocally rooting for her because she’s cute and a little wild but also resourceful and tough as nails and not like...super judgemental about everyone else all the goddamn time

season one dorky-but-brave cinammon roll Jasper is super likable too

everyone in season one is a lot less nuanced but honestly I tend to like them all a lot more across the board...the only people I like MORE now than I did in s1 are Bellamy and Kane tbh...so idk maybe it evens out??

and then they all go to rescue Octavia through the place of Random Hanging Skeletons, which I can only assume are leftover from Lincoln’s Halloween party that year

back in flashback land (obligatory note about how I love the Ark so muchhhhhh) and I always find myself surprised at how crappy the Blake’s little room is compared to Jaha’s or Abby’s...

“Abby’s a badass” <---GOSPEL ACCORDING TO RAVEN REYES

flashback!Octavia’s fringe is so cute

flashback!Bellamy working that guard uniform too

you know what? fuck it I take it all back this is a great episode, lack of Team Adult aside

I think part of the reason season one remains my favourite is that it has all these like...magical little moments of pure emotion which the show really gives time to breathe, like Octavia seeing the Earth out of the window for the first time. Or the heartbreaking montage of the Culling in the last ep, or the stupified wonder of Abby and Kane seeing the ground for the first time in the finale. Although I do like the exciting faster pace of season two etc, I really miss those little moments of pure feeling and just like...allowing us some time to be in the moment and feel what the characters are feeling

on the down side of season one: why the fuck does Lincoln chain Octavia up in the cave like...WHAT WAS YOUR ENDGAME HERE LINCOLN I swear his actions in this ep make no goddamn sense

also urgh the awkward Clarke and Raven conversation...even when he isn’t physically present FINN RUINS EVERYTHING

“He could have waited more than ten days.” godddddd the way she says that line is just heartbreaking

I’m getting a sudden attack of Bellamy/Abby parallels because oh my gosh they were both going back home to empty rooms for a year because one member of their family had been floated and the other was in prison, and that whole time they must both have felt such horrific guilt every time they came home and looked at those empty chairs...that empty bed...knowing that they were partly to blame for what happened to the people they loved and yet they were the only one who hadn’t been punished...

AUGH MY HEART

the fight between Octavia and Bellamy in this is brutal :(:(:(

lmao let’s end the episode on the most CLICHE LINE POSSIBLE ‘there’s a storm coming’ oh my gosh SYMBOLISM guys like that is some Grade A Foreshadowing that has surely NEVER BEEN USED BEFORE IN A WORK OF FICTION EVER

[jess-oh]

Reflection

i kinda got this off my chest already to jeanne but im really afraid that im going to start my internship and end up hating working in the industry. there are so many things that are out of my hands right now and i dont know if what im doing is right. i went to the vbs bbq today and it was really fun and im glad i get to meet so many new kids and adults and have nice conversations with them but honestly, i realized that i never really prayed about serving with VBS. for a while, it’s just been a matter of if i get the internship then i’ll stay and volunteer and if i dont get the internship, then i’ll go home for the break and rest. and bc there were so many newcomers, i felt a responsibility to be there for them and a lot has been happening over the summer that i would’ve missed out on had i gone home so i am glad that im here to experience it all. but i think i need to rest in the Lord. I have been resting since I finished school but by drowning myself in media and distracting myself from the real world instead of taking the time to just really meditate and get back on track with God. I’m not complacent and I’m definitely still growing. And yeah, the whole financial situation sucked with my dad but i kinda had a feeling that his layoff wouldnt last long and i knew that i had the opportunity to go home for the break and rest. but i was afraid. i was so afraid of going back to sa-rang. to a place where i dont feel at home. to a place where i feel like a social outcast. i am so afraid of that and thats why i decided to stay and was so eager to jump at any chance i could to find an excuse to stay here in chicago. and thank God for sending me a paid internship but it honeslty almost feels like a test and i dont want to back out bc ive already made commitments to so many people but i ultimately just really want to rest. really. not having to worry about anything and to just be at home with my family, friends, and loved ones. just to be in their presence again would be so nice. i’ve been hanging out a lot more with my d&d friends recently and im glad but it is difficult not talking about God with them. He’s such an integral part of my life. I do think I struggle to some extent to hangout casually with the freshmen bc i want to be a good upperclassman for them but that doesnt mean im not still growing too. i am. idk. im just really worried about a lot of different things and think i should pray to God about it all. I have been relying more so on what’s practical and logical instead of praying about it and seeing where God is leading me. And I do think He’s leading me to go back home. But at what cost? Of feeling ostracized at Sa-Rang again? To have to admit that I’m searching for another church to be my own person and bc my parents are both so involved and i feel like i can never speak ill of them? I want to be around more people like me but people in the OC honestly have it so easy. They have no idea. And it’s really hard for me to relate to them. Josh Hwang has been trying so hard to bring up California to me in whatever situation possible. Not everyone needs to know how we first met. It’s an old story and I’m tired of hearing it. Why can’t you just focus on the now and let it die? It can be a fun fact but I don’t want Sa-Rang to define who I am. It was nice at first for common ground but now it’s annoying and I’m afraid of going back. Of course I miss my family and friends but I’m afraid that our dynamic will have changed and we’ll go back to arguing or maybe I’ll fall back in love with it and be miserable in Chicago again. I want to be independent and be my own person and march at my own pace. And I’m afraid that I can’t do that there. I want to learn to drive so that I stop burdening people out here and can fend for myself. But I also don’t know who would understand my situation. I have tried for so long to fit in at Sa-Rang and I never really clicked with them. And it’s partly their fault but my own as well and that’s something I need to work on. I was just never really a part of the culture. I was very aware that the adults were gossiping today and it just frustrated me. I don’t want to speak so mindlessly of other people when there are so many other things we could be discussing. Even as common ground, I regret it. Mutual friends are nice but I used them as an excuse to get closer to people instead of finding other means. I’m not even that close to these mutual friends yet spoke of them as if I am. I’m afraid that my demons and fears from Sa-Rang have and/or will follow me to Lakeview and I am so afraid of that. I’m honestly so scared whenever I see someone I think I know bc I don’t want to be defined by who I was there. I want to be defined by who I am now and who I’m trying to be. I’ve grown a lot and I do think I’ve been avoiding really processing and reflecting on this past year to some extent but I think it’s necessary. So much happened and I want to get my affairs in order so that I can share to my friends and family back home and be genuine about it. 

and bc i always tried so hard to fit in and never quite did, i am constantly questioning why people are friends with me at all there. judy, jennifer, grace...

i always think they’re just pitying me and feel bad for me and are reaching out as a result but i dont want to be friends with them bc they feel bad for me. i want to be friends with them bc they see and appreciate me for me and who i am. for the words of advice that i give and my passion and enthusiasm and strong work ethic and personality. not bc i dont fit in. and i dont know if this is actually true or not but i do think there is a part of them that started reaching out to me bc they feel bad for me. i remember i was so surprised when jennifer thought i was so soft spoken bc i think im pretty loud and bold. i dont think im softspoken at all but bc thats who i was in jr high, thats who ive continued to carry.

i have work tomorrow and im worried that i wont wake up in time. i start my internship on tuesday and im afraid that i’ll hate it. i told everyone today that im doing pretty well in terms of where im at in my life and practically speaking, i am in a good place. but i am so scared. of everything. of so many different things. and i need God to provide me with wisdom and security and I just need to trust in Him bc i’m freaking out on my own.

i love God. For sure. Through and through. I am nothing without Him and He has helped me so many times. He is my everything. He is my all. And I really cannot do anything without Him. I don’t trust my own judgment without Him in the picture. I’ve been so eager to rush into these various things as an excuse to not go back to Cali. But I don’t want me only reason for leaving Sa-Rang be bc I don’t “fit in.” Because I do think it’s a spiritually wealthy place and a place where I could really grow. I think it’s just a matter of being true to my identity in Christ and just being so confident in that. Not caring if I don’t fit in. Not caring if my reputation is ruined bc I reached out to someone that isn’t “cool.” But to just serve there bc that’s where God has led me to go. To be. To serve. I don’t think God is leading me to a church outside of Sa-Rang. I think He does want me to invest there. It’s just my own fears that are driving me away. 

I was just talking to Grace An and if I really reflect on the past, I definitely do think a part of me is still bitter. I’ve been hurt so badly so many times at Sa-Rang and as a result, there’s a huge lack of trust there. I have opened myself up to them so many times and I feel like bc I wasn’t “cool” or didn’t “fit in,” it was always just brushed off or ignored. I know that fitting in isn’t the goal but it definitely feels like a lack of community. And I don’t want to pin the blame on anyone but I’ve definitely felt pressure from P. Josh and Jenny to stay in Chicago over the summer. It’s way more practical and makes sense. But I don’t think I can. I think I need to go home. And I hate being a flake. I hate not going through with my promises. But I think it might be better for me to go home and face my fears. And I am still afraid. For sure. There’s no way I’m not. And I think this is something that I need to wrestle with and hopefully the answer will become clearer and clearer as this week progresses. But for now, I do feel better after writing this all out and chatting with some friends. Thank you.