#maybe you should have found a fucking vet for the first one & actually work w it before getting another one

[goethitee]

hate hate hate when people aks your advice & then ignore it

[im-just-a-random-fandom-girl]

trying to articulate my frustrations with Marvel’s treatment of female characters and characters of color

Hi, hello, hola, bonjour. I've been having a lot of thoughts about Marvel’s lack of diversity and of how they treat minority characters, so I'm taking a page out of Luisa’s (@its-tortle) book and just making a long, rambley post to get it all out.

Please bear with me while I try to encapsulate all of my frustration within the limitations of English language.

(ALSO, I'm white. I’m Spanish-American, but I do not have the ability to speak for fans of color and the other grievances they have. This post is just a combination of my own thoughts and what I've heard other people say on Tumblr, in YouTube videos, in articles etc.)

Now that we've had over week to collect ourselves after the WandaVision finale, because it was such a tearjerker and the end of a true masterpiece of a show, we really need to talk about how Marvel treats their their characters of color and female characters. I'll specifically be looking at Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanoff, and Monica Rambeau.

Let's start with Sam.

Until Monica Rambeau became Photon just a few weeks ago in WandaVision, Sam was THE ONLY Black superhero in the MCU.

He first appeared in Captain America: The Winter Soldier 7 years ago in 2014, and he's been in 4 movies since then (not counting the post-credits of Ant-Man).

Let's see what we know about Sam in the MCU:

He was a pararescue airman in the U.S. Airforce

His wing-man, Riley, died in combat, prompting him to leave active duty

He works at the VA to help other veterans adjust to civilian life

That's it. This is all we know about his backstory, separate from Captain America. However, the MCU decided to include these parts of his backstory, (and exclude others) because they make him a better supporting character to Steve.

Sam's a vet - so is Steve. They have the same, early-morning run routine that alludes to strict military training. Steve is still new to the future and hardly knows or approaches anyone, but Sam is wearing his VA sweatshirt, so there's some sense of connection, one that is furthered when they talk about their beds being too soft. Sam is someone who can understand him, aside from being a super soldier.

Riley, Sam's wingman, died in combat - Hmm, haven't heard that one befo - oh, wait. *Bucky waves from the abyss of the Alps*. Yeah.

I'm not saying that these connections are bad, in fact, I think the opposite. In terms of storyline, these connections are incredibly important for their friendship. Steve is lost and alone in the future. No one he knows cares about him for any reason other than the fact that he's a super soldier, nor can he relate to any of those people on any level. Sam just fits. He's funny and kind and although they are 60 years apart in age, he can, to some extent, understand what Steve is going through in a way they no one else can.

But for the last 7 years in the MCU, all he's been is Steve's supportive friend.

Almost immediately after meeting Steve, Sam is dragged into an end-of-the-world battle. He readily agrees to put his life on the line to fight by Captain America's side. After SHIELD falls, Sam gives up his life for 2 years to help Steve find Bucky. When they find him, Sam, without a second thought, becomes an international fugitive to protect Bucky and Steve.

I mean, he practically says that he lives in Steve's shadow himself: 

"Don't look at me. I do what he does, just slower."

Who does all this? Seriously? Sam is also a recovering vet. He, in theory, has a life, a family, a job, his own mental well-being to consider, but he immediately gives it all up to help Captain America, to follow in his shadow, to be his back-up and support in every battle. Marvel wrote him as a 2D character that lacks his own identity and agency.

Sam deserves his own storyline; he deserves to exist outside the orbit of Steve Rogers.

What Mackie has been able to do with the character is astounding. He took Sam off the page and truly brought him to life, turning him into a beloved character. I'm ecstatic that both Mackie and Sam finally (hopefully) get their time to shine in TFATWS, but it should have happened WAY sooner. Marvel has continuously overlooked Mackie, despite how much he brings to the movies and despite the significance of Sam as the only Black superhero. It's just so clear that they do not care about representation.

(And let's not start with the whole "Bucky should be Captain America" thing, thanks)

Next, let's talk about Natasha.

Nat has been in the MCU for 11 years, starting with Iron Man 2 in 2010. She was heavily featured in an additional 6 MCU movies (not including small cameos/post-credit sequences). She's one of the few female superheroes in the MCU, and the only one that's been there since the beginning. Nat was the only female superhero for 4 years until Gamora appeared in Guardians of the Galaxy.

Let's see what we know about Natasha's history:

She's a former KGB operative and assassin, trained in the Red Room project

When she was a part of the Red Room, she was sterilized

Clint Barton got her out of the Red Room and converted her to a SHIELD agent

THAT'S IT. The second point is actually nauseating because this is what she says to Banner when we learn about her infertility in Age of Ultron:

"They sterilize you. It’s efficient. One less thing to worry about, the one thing that might matter more than a mission. It makes everything easier — even killing. You still think you’re the only monster on the team?"

Like, actually, what the fuck? I remember watching this scene and having to rewind because I thought I mis-heard what she said. In truth, Natasha is probably referring to the terrible things she was forced to do as a KGB operative are what make her a "monster," but why in the world would they include this anecdote here?? It's just so distasteful and disgusting! It makes it seem like her infertility is what makes her a monster, perpetuating the misogynistic belief that the center of a woman's identity and purpose is to have children.

As Vox says in this article, the subject of Nat's infertility 

"rears its head sub-textually when Black Widow sacrifices herself for the Soul Stone. [...] It’s reasonable for Natasha to make the calculation that Clint’s kids deserve to have a dad when they come back to life after the Avengers complete their “time heist.” But because of that Ultron plot, there’s also an insidious implication that Natasha’s infertility renders Black Widow just a little bit more disposable than the rest of her teammates."

Furthermore, Nat's death in Endgame serves for nothing more than motivation for the other characters working in the time heist, WHICH ARE ALL MALE. Even then, the other characters talk about her death briefly (in a mostly unaffected manner), and by the end of the movie, she's been pretty much forgotten about,  completely overshadowed by Tony Stark.

I don't want to say that Nat shouldn't have died in Endgame. It caused me so much heartache and emotional pain, but I truly believe it was a great way to end her arc. CinemaWins on YouTube put it best:

"She needed to save her family, Clint included, finally wiping the red from her ledger. So much of her jouney in the MCU was trying to find her purpose, figure out which side she was on, and she finally feels like she's found it, just in time to die for it. 

"It's not wrong to feel cheated by her death, [but I think] she deserved this moment because of it's importance."

She says it in the movie: 

"I used to have nothing, and then I got this. This family. And I was better because of it."

Nat shouldn't have to die, but it's on her terms, and she is absolutely ready for it. Saving her chosen family... that is her purpose.

But altogether, over the course of the MCU, Natasha was cheated out of getting the storyline she deserved. Like Sam, she was relegated to the position of the supportive friend of Steve, but also of Bruce and Clint. For the audience, her identity is tied to this role that she plays. The identity and motivations she has independent from these other characters, her history, is skimmed over, and treated with immense disrespect.

It took 11 years, but it is thrilling that Scarlett Johansson finally gets to be the start of her own Marvel movie. There is no way that Black Widow will be able to completely make up for her and Natasha's mistreatment by the MCU, but I hope it will at least bring us some closure and allow us to have a better understanding of Nat's history and who she is away from the other Avengers.

Last, but certainly not least (despite what WandaVision may have you believe) is Monica Rambeau.

I spoke about this last week after posting about this review of the show, but it bears repeating.

Monica is a new character. You'd hope that, after 11 years of extremely limited diversity in the MCU, much to the dismay of fans worldwide, and after recognizing this and creating a movie with a cast like The Eternals, Marvel would try to get their shit together across the board.

Nope!

Monica was seriously the token diversity character of the show. It seemed like they would give her more depth after the episode during which they flashed back to the her during and after the snap, losing her mother, and seeing a little bit of what she's done as an adult since Captain Marvel, but that ended up being the most we got.

But why? Monica literally became a SUPERHERO. She became Photon! She deserved a much greater role in the show, especially in the finale, where she instead had maybe 5 lines and just stopped some bullets for about 30 seconds.

As the review I linked says, 

“There are so many black writers, fans, and critics noting how Monica got relegated to a complete lack relegated to meaningless best friend protector lacking in their own self agency and story except for making a shoehorned comparison of grief.”

Marvel made the same, bull-headed mistake that they made with Sam with Monica!

Let's do this again. Monica was snapped away for 5 years, and when she was snapped back, she learned that her mother had died. Losing someone you love and having the whole process of mourning and pain be complicated by the snap? What an interesti- oh wait. *Vision phases his head through the wall with a smile*

The only reason we got this backstory was because it made her a more sympathetic character towards Wanda. Her understanding of what Wanda is going through allows her to be the catalyst in the creation of the ideological fork in the road between herself, Darcy and Woo, who see Wanda as a victim of grief and loss, and Hayward and the rest of SHIELD, who see her as a dangerous threat.

How do you make the same, major mistake that you've been making for the past 7 years again? Guess what? You don't! Maybe it's not intentional, but Marvel, again, clearly doesn’t care enough about their characters of color to consider the roles they relegate them to in the MCU, realize what they've been doing is harmful, and then change it.

Hopefully, they will not continue to treat Monica this way and will remedy this in the next Captain Marvel.

In conclusion: MARVEL GAVE A FUCKING ROBOT AN ACTUAL ORIGIN STORY, A RELATIONSHIP AND MORE INDEPENDENCE THAN ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS.

But in all seriousness, Marvel needs to be help accountable for how they treat women and their characters of color in the MCU. I just looked at 3, but you could also make a similar argument about Rhodey, Hope van Dyne and Valkyrie, as well as Jane Foster, MJ, and Ned, although they are supporting characters and not superheroes. And I'm sure there are many others. Marvel (and Disney!!) has had an awful track-record, and change is long overdue.

[cottoncandyjester]

Which of your ocs would go to therapy for or with their darling? How much effort would they actually put into it?

This is like tricking your dog into going to the vet.. y'all are evil

This story contains: them talking about their dark past, incest(twins), talk of sex

Theodore

Absolutely not.

He's a doctor so he would argue that he would know his own body pretty well

"i don't need therapy sweetie, I'm mentally healthy"

This is the same man who flinches at the sight of a butcher knife and has so much mental trauma he still gets scared touching you

If you beg he'll do it though..of course he'll be passive aggressive but he'll go.

Tries to out logic the damn therapist

"so theodore, describe your childhood"

Theodore pushed his glasses up and clears his throat, this was definitely not going to be good. "I'm well aware that a person's childhood shapes their mental state but I assure you this is a waste of time."

"theo, let them help y-" you shuddered at the sharp glance theodore gave you. You've never seen him so aggressive before but it was clear he wasnt having fun. He hated the thought of someone analyzing his every movements and play with his head since it's something he does to you so having it done to him is less fun. "I assure you, I'm mentally sound..nothing is wrong with me"

"alright well, how about we talk about your childhood anyways just chatting nothing serious?"

Theodore scowled before glancing your way, you were doing this cause you loved him..so he should go along with this right?

Hikaru

You have to trick him

You brought it up once and he lashed out at you so badly he actually hurt you pretty bad

You told him you wanted to shopping but when he saw you two were infront of a building that definitely wasn't a mall he was PISSED

He was about two seconds away from hitting you but he saw how much you wanted to help him so he gave it a shock

Aggressive as all hell

He couldn't believe he was here, a group therapy session for victims of sexual abuse. The male sat there in his expensive clothes with his diamond encrusted shades on a scowl on his face.

"so, would you like to introduce yourself and tell us why you're here?" You flinched lightly at the single question the therapist asked before glancing at hikaru who in his legs and pushed his shades up his blue eyes flickering with rage.

"I'm here cause my bitch of a soulmate decided to drag me here instead of a shopping trip like they promised, I could be at home getting my dick sucked but no in here surrounded by idiots" hikaru was definitely in a fiery mood.

"well hikaru, y/n brought you here bec-"

Hikaru huffed in anger cutting the doctor off his anger being never ending. "they brought me here cause they think they are so smart. Their job is to please me in anyway I see fit, in return I spoil them once in a while and I am NOT pleased." With that Hikaru got up before shooting you a dirty look.

"you have ten minutes to meet me in the car or you're walking home" he snapped before walking out the room. You apologized for hikaru before going to join him.

Axis

The first one willing to go

He thinks it will make a great date

Tells his therapist EVERYTHING

Honestly he sounds so chipper about it they look so worried for him

Like sir are you okay?!

Clams up when it comes to insecurities

Like nope.

He only goes once though cause in his eyes therapy is a going once event

"- then my brother salem poured bleach in my eyes! I know it was bad but I of course forgive him cause all siblings fight right? He's really great though! Like one time we were playing hide and seek and he couldn't find me for six hours haha!"

you nervously glanced at the horror stricken expression the therapist had, they were so shocked they werent even taking notes. "Your brother sounds extremely toxic and incredibly dangerous" they stated and axis paused with a light pout clearly offended.

"salem wouldn't hurt a fly!" He huffs out and you weren't sure this was helping too much..though you were glad he decided to go.

Salem

So his therapist had to see a therapist

The first three minutes he had to wear a muzzle cause he tried to eat his therapist and not in the fun way

He is so feral he just speaks in slurring words and barks

You have to put a collar and leash on him

He did leave with a mouth full of blood though cause he bit a huge chunk off his therapist.

"s-s-so, salem w-what do you think c-caused you to be this way?" The doctor spoke while standing on their desk as you tried to pull the leash hard to pull salem away. "Bad boy! Stop it!" You snapped out at salem who got his muzzle off and was attempting to devour the poor therapist. "I-im sorry he's usually much calmer than this, strangers make him hungry" you explained before seeing salem bite the therapist on the leg.

"salem! No! You don't bite people!" You scolded as you tried to pull the male off and once you did you decided it was time to go home now. "W-well thanks doctor this has been fun, let's go salem!" You dragged him away while shaking your head.

"y/nnnnnnn~"

"...yes salem?"

"I love you!"

You glanced at him seeing he was docile once more and you sighed "I love you too babe" you mumbled out not sure what to do.

Rin

His therapist quit.

He trolled them so hard they gave up

Spoke in meme quotes the whole time.

"rin, would you say you were a happy child?"

"yeet."

You face palmed at your boyfriend who was hellbent on annoying the therapist to death. This session has already been thirty minutes and while rin was holding back his laughter the doctor looked like they wanted to snap their clipboard.

"please rin, work with me here..."

Rin beckoned the therapist to come closer and when they leaned in feeling excited thay they made progress rin's eyes sparkled widely. "Big...chungus"

You and rin walked out the office after being kicked out since the therapist had an absolute mental breakdown. "You're an asshole.." you mumbled and rin wrapped an arm around your shoulder with a wicked grin. "I'm your asshole, babynow how about we dress you up then have clown sex? I say that's equal payment for this"

Yuki

He hated it

He was quiet the entire time

Like the entire time

He wouldn't answer a question or nothing

He legit fell asleep with his head in your lap and now sees therapy as a place to nap

He doesn't like strangers so there was no way in hell he's speaking to a stranger.

You sighed at the tense silence in the room as yuki buried his face into your stomach his head in your lap. The moment he got here he took a nap not really caring about the doctor or his questions..it's been this way for a full hour. Slowly yuki opened his eyes and sat up with a low hum, he leaned in to kiss you feeling really clingy until he heard the shuffling of another person.

yuki tensed up suddenly wrapping his arms around you his chin rested on your shoulder. "Y/n, home?" He questions with a grumpy pout. You ran your fingers through his hair with a loud sigh.

"yeah yuki, we can go home.."

prince

He sees himself too cool for that stuff

"I'm not going, therapy isn't my vision of a fun date. Foreplay and sex is a good date"

He doesn't like the idea of sitting in a room and talking about his feelings.

If you promise to let him finger you during the car ride he is totally In though

He doesn't take it seriously at all

Avoids all the questions

Ends up just boasting about his sex life for an hour

"y/n moaned louder that night than ever before, it was so fucking awesome" prince cheered out his eyes lit up. You were covering your face with your hands feeling nothing but embarrassment as prince went all and on.

"t-the question was what makes you happy" the doctor stated and prince gave a confused look. "Yeah, and I said sex I mean wasn't that clear?"

"prince could you perhaps be a nymphomaniac?"

"shit, maybe? If I don't bang at least twice a day I get all grumpy...speaking of bang on the car ride here it was fucking great y/n let me-" you covered his mouth not being able to handle anymore of this. "We'll be going now!" You snapped out now dragging prince away.

"you're sexy when embarrassed"

"shut the hell up"

Rocket

He is literally the least dangerous yandere

He thinks he's fine

But he goes and actually speaks about his life

Everything about his life seems so cheerful and good...until..it isnt

Like axis he speaks as if it's okay

He's a dumbass so therapy doesn't really help him

He just uses it as a way to spend time with you

"so what was your childhood like?"

"well, I grew up in a small village we owned a pretty big farm. My mother and father kinda liked to spoil me.."

You've never heard about his childhood so you were very engaged in this story..it sounded pretty nice. Rocket paused to think when suddenly his eyes lit up

"I ended up being chosen to be the village pet! It was such an honor!" He cheers out with a happy hum. Instantly you knew this wasn't going to be good but you let him explain.

"the village pet is like...hmm a handyman, they do basically anything the villagers don't wanna do it's hard work but it's good work." He explained

"what were some of the things you had to do?"

"well...solves disputes, help out on there people's farms, help procreate, honestly anything! Only way to leave the village as a pet is to choose a new pet. It was hard to pick someone..but I'm glad I did"

The room got very very silent...very fast.

Rocket gazed at the time before getting up. "Hey y/n we should go yeah? You promised we could go get ice cream if I do this with you"

Yuuji& yuuta

Lord...these two got so much fucking baggage

They go, but they see it as entertainment

A fun little joke

Until it's not

The therapist manages to make them fight

And that NEVER happens

Like never.

It gets super damn intense

You're over there like "damn okay."

You watched the two boys argue clearly upset with each other. The question was that if yuuta found yuuji attractive..and yuuta hesitated.

"so you don't think I'm cute or anything?"

"I never said that! I just think, you're not my type."

"how the hell could I be not your type?! I know exactly what you like and don't like! I please you all the damn time!"

You cleared your throat awkwardly, not sure if going to couples therapy was a good idea anymore.

"I'm just saying! You sometimes..don't hit it quite right I mean..it's fine everyone has their ups and downs"

"OH so I'm bad at sex now?! You're such a liar cause on the drive here you were screaming like a little whore!"

"anyone can fucking scream yuuji! Doesn't take damn rocket science! Y'know I'm starting to see why ushio fucking hates you! You think you're so damn high and mighty! This is why we can't have normal relationships with our siblings!"

The room got silent as the two panted softly the screaming working them up and yuuji turned his head away eyes glimmering with tears. You honestly..felt like you were watching a drama show and was totally into it. "I-i didn't mean that- I'm sorry I just-"yuuta mumbled out and yuuji sniffled.

"do you..hate me?"

"wha-"

"ever since we came out when we were younger, you've been trying to be such a tough guy..you don't even say you love me as much. So, do you hate me?" Yuuji explained and you watched as the two hugged.

"of course not! I-i just didn't want anyone to still see me as that girl who was scared of her own shadow" yuuta whimpers out and yuuji smiled at him "you're not her, you're a strong guy.. our strong guy and we love you so much me and y/n" yuuji whispers out planting a kiss on the boy's cheek.

As the three of you left you suddenly felt an arm link with yours on either side. "Enjoy the show dollface?" Yuuta chimed before yuuji giggled "it was very fun!"

"you two were faking it?!" You huffed out seeing them both nod. They were totally lying but they didn't want you to know that, after all they were twins..fighting was basically illegal to them.

Scarlett

Another person who isn't happy with therapy

Straight out refuses

Like nope.

Never.

It takes A LOT of convincing til she agrees

Another member of the "has a bad childhood but sees it as normal" group

Hers is downright horrifying

But she giggles it off

"my childhood? Hmm..well my father was a doctor, I was his little nurse" she said softly in thought and you immediately didn't like this.

"he taught me all about plants, poisons and human biology. He was studying human mutations he wanted to know if it was possible to have humans evolve animal like traits, by replacing their body parts for animal ones of course" she cheers out and interlaced her fingers together.

"such an interesting study, some of them works in some ways..though it seems the human body can't handle some things..we are such fragile creatures are we not?"

Scarlett had this creepy dangerous vibe about her and the session was instantly cut short due to your therapist feeling unsafe. As you two walked out you couldn't help but gaze her way.

"who were his victims?" You asked out softly before feeling her hold your hand with a smile. "Well, children from my school. Then..me" she stated softly causing the haira on the back of your neck to stand.

"what animal part did he give you? Did it work?"

"it worked.."

That was all she stated and you didn't hear anything about it ever again so you were left to wonder about it.

[sigmadecay]

You said you can info dump about Jonestown massacre? I'm here to learn about Jonestown massacre.

OHOHOHO YES

okay so if I start from Jim Jones’ early life this is literally gonna take me hours to write and probably take you forever to read so I will try to cliffnote the context of....y’know, his life

He didn’t have super present or even very parental parents, his mother worked a lot & his father was a disabled WWI vet. A neighbor took him to church w her family on Sundays and that began his interest in religion. He went to different churches all the time to see what they were about but had a particular interest in the Pentecostal church, it was loud & interactive & joyful but they did get a bad rep for “speaking in tongues”

Jim married his wife Marceline when he was 17 or 18 and she was like 20-21. She was working as a nurse in a hospital that Jim did custodial work in while he was trying to get himself through school. I have a lot of thoughts about Marceline Jones and most of them are “she deserved better” but we will come back to Marceline later.

Fast forward fast forward and Jim & Marcy have a number of kids, their “rainbow family” which consists of one bio child and a number of adopted children I think?? Listen in my defense he ended up with nine (!!! NINE) kids and they’re hard to keep track of but I know Stephan was their biological son and they adopted Jim Jr. who was black and Lew & Suzanne who were Korean which was a bigass deal at the time. More kids cropped up over the course of things but y’know. When Jim founded the Peoples Temple he got the MLK Jr award for racial equality because his church was the first fully integrated church at least in Indiana which was fucking nuts at the time??? Lots of people liked him. It appeared that he was doing good things.

And then shit like faith healings started where he would stage religious healings from cancer and shit and his congregation began regarding him as a deity. Someone would be blessed and would spit out a “tumor” (a piece of chicken liver) or the woman in the wheelchair who got up and walked turned out to be Jim’s secretary. Completely bogus nonsense, but it was a good, integrated church and they all thought he was a good person.

So, (and I’m leaving out details here sorry) Jim starts teasing like an escape to a “promised land” type deal. And he goes to a bunch of places looking for one—he spends time in Brazil especially—until finally settling on Guyana. The Guyanese govt was excited to have Americans coming bc they were at war with Venezuela and it was...sort of like insurance, but yeah. They gave the Peoples Temple a couple hundred acres in the middle of basically the fucking rainforest. And it was touted as like this socialist utopia and shit. It’s work but there’s housing and you grow your own food, and it seemed nice! Especially for people who were so disillusioned with the government and racial inequality. So they move out to Guyana and start to build houses, and shit is pretty alright at first, but...The soil isn’t fertile and almost no food actually grows. The hours are long and the work is backbreaking, not to mention the HEAT, but it’s like, deal-with-able until Jim Jones gets there. At this point Jones is like completely totally paranoid and he’s losing his grip on reality. He’s been doing drugs for years and his sermons have gone from “the US government is bad because it’s capitalist and racist” to “the US government is literally plotting to kill us.”

Some people managed to get out, and formed a group called the “concerned relatives.” They were, you guessed it, concerned relatives of the members who’d been whisked off to the Guyanese wilderness. Lots of people wrote off their concerns because of how many people, namely politicians, liked Jim Jones for his work in racial equality, but the one guy who listened to them was Congressman Leo Ryan, who was by all accounts a Pretty Solid Dude. He didn’t think anything fishy was happening, necessarily, but his whole stance was “I hear you & your concerns, and we should check it out to put your mind at ease! :)”

By this point, life in the Temple is falling! the fuck! apart! Jim Jones has a PA system set to run 24/7 that either play a) recordings of past sermons or b) his announcements happening Right This Second. People work for like 16 hours a day, there are armed guards at the entrance and around the fields to keep people in, the housing is cramped and overcrowded and they do Not have enough food for the almost 1000 people there. They are also getting record low amounts of sleep because Jim Jones, Nutjob Extraordinaire, has gotten into the habit of blaring the air raid siren at god knows what our and calling all his followers into the pavilion for a White Night. Which is, if you can even fucking believe it, a PRACTICE MASS SUICIDE BY KOOL AID.

Talk about foreshadowing.

So anyway, Leo Ryan rolls up to the compound, relatives and an NBC camera crew in tow, and is like “hey what’s up! :)” Jim Jones has been COACHING PEOPLE to tell him how much they love it. It’s fucked up. But okay

So they put on this dinner and a show type deal for the congressman and all the visitors, and Marceline (remember Marceline?) gives them a whole tour and shows them her pride and joy, the school she’d built and helps teaches at, and the medical center, and the daycare, like Marceline ADORES children this cannot be overstated. There are about 300 children in Jonestown and she loves them with her whole heart. ANYWAY

And everyone is having a funky good time, except Jim Jones, whose sanity is coming unraveled like an old sweater and his 950-ish overworked undercompensated cult members

But as Leo Ryan is leaving, someone slips a note to one of the reporters, BEGGING him to get them out of there. And then someone else comes forward. And then another. There are like....maybe 10 people total that come forward? Jim Jones loses his mind, naturally, but Leo Ryan is still like “hey, 10 out of 950 isn’t bad at all! They just miss their families :)” and they get going.

Unfortunately, because the number of people traveling back to the US from Guyana is greater than before, and they came on a small plane, they’re all posted up at the Port Kaituma airstrip waiting for a second aircraft. And this is when shit gets fucking real.

Jim Jones secretly sends his Red Men (read: “guards” with shotguns) to the airstrip to kill everyone because they’re going to give their secrets to the CIA or whatever. So they fucking roll up in this trailer and...open fire. Leo Ryan is killed, an NBC cameraman is killed, some of the defectors and concerned relatives are killed, many of them are wounded.

The Red Men return to the compound and report back to Jones. And then he gets on the PA and tells everyone that the USA’s destruction of them is imminent. He lies and tells them that the pilot will be shot and the plane will go down, and the US government will come into the compound for retribution and kill their seniors and kidnap the children and rape the women. You can hear a recording of this on YouTube! It’s called the Jonestown death tape and it will absolutely ruin your day if you listen to it. Anyway.

People are panicking. It’s time for the real White Night. Jones gets a vat of Flavor-Aid (off brand Kool-Aid) filled with cyanide and narcotics and says “drink :)” and...everyone is...understandably afraid. They’re tired and exhausted and terrified and have no idea what’s true or not. One woman, Christine, argues and pleads for another solution, like running off to the Soviet Union. The entire rest of the compound shouts her down.

So, finally, people drink. Those who won’t, and young children, are injected with it. The death is not painless. People suffer for a long time, and move to the back of the line, lie down, and die. At a reception house in Georgetown, one of Jones’ aides kills her three children and then herself with a steak knife.

A handful of people get out. Maybe five are able to hide, and three of Jones’ sons are away at a basketball game in Georgetown while this is all going down, so they live.

Jim Jones does not drink the poison. Jim Jones shoots himself in the head, and his private nurse does the same.

Marceline Jones screamed, sobbed and struggled until every single child had died, hoping at least one of them would be spared. And when none were, she dried her eyes, resigned herself to her fate, and drank the Kool-Aid.

The 900-something bodies, about a third of which were children, began rotting in the tropical sun almost immediately. Many of them were decomposed beyond recognition by the time the US troops got there. Those unidentified are buried in a mass gravesite in...California, I think? It was the largest loss of American life not due to a natural disaster up until 9/11. The place is still there, though now it’s overgrown, and it’s just...haunting. There’s a number of documentaries on it (recommend) and if you have a really masochistic streak, the Port Kaituma airstrip shooting and the Jonestown death tape audio are both on YouTube the last I checked.

Thank you for indulging me my special interest, and I’m happy to expand on anything here or give more details :3

[western-writer]

Betrayal Beyond Forgiveness

Fandom: Far Cry 5

Warnings: cussing, descriptions of injuries, mentions of blood and death

Summary: The Whitetails conspire against Rook out of fear but things don't go the way they expected them to go.

A/n: Finally! I've been trying to produce content for the longest time but I couldn't finish anything to save my life. But here this is and I'm very happy with it. I also didn't proof read this but will be going back through as time goes on to edit things. Enjoy!

Betrayal is a funny thing. The stinging, burning sensation that pools and spreads like electricity throughout your chest and settles into a pit in your stomach. How it feels when that first jolt of Earth shattering realization leaves you reeling. Questions racing in your mind, yet somehow you’re unable to think or choke out the words caught in your throat. It’s funny because betrayal always comes from those you would least expect. That's what betrayal is. You enemies... you expect that much from them. You expect them to try to hurt you. You expect them you screw you over. But when it comes from those closest to you... it cuts deeper than you could imagine. 

Rook would’ve expected something like this from Jacob - a set up. But the Whitetails? Eli? Rook couldn’t wrap her head around it. 

It was just supposed to be a simple extraction of supplies the cult had taken. Stealth is her specialty, after all. Rook dropped the Peggies quick - almost too quick. To Eli’s dismay, this only drove his point forward and confirmed a suspicion he had for quite some time. Jacob’s trails had changed her and, the cult having been mostly under control, it was time to put her down. 

Eli and Tammy watched her on his cameras as she worked. Tammy wore a “I told you so" look as Eli ignored it. With a heavy sigh, he raised his walkie talkie to his mouth and spoke. “We proceed as planned. I’m sorry, Dep.”

Having no idea of this so-called plan, Dep went through the plan as she was told. The area is secure, now she needs to check to see if the supplies are there. 

This part felt a bit strange to Rook. Why should she check to make sure the supplies are there? If they sent her out on his mission, wouldn’t they already be sure they’re here?

Rook ignored her warnings going off in her head and she opened each container. Her heart dropped as she heard the familiar click and she knew what was coming. She had just triggered a count down to a bomb explosion. 

Thinking quickly, Rook turned and sprinted away as fast as she could, but she wasn’t quite fast enough. The explosion went off behind her, sending Rook flying through the air. 

Eli thought the plan had gone off without a hitch as a Whitetail checked her pulse and found no sighs of it. “I think she’s gone, boss. I think the plan worked.” Eli could only hope that she died a quick death. Tammy breathed a sigh of relief. 

“It’s better this way, Eli. She would’ve been a danger to us all. I’ve seen what happens to people after they go through those trails. Now it’ll look like she went down a hero. No one will know.” 

Eli sighs, getting ready to announce her death, but there’s one problem. 

Rook didn’t die in the explosion. She was knocked unconscious and came to just in time to hear about the conspiracy to kill her. She laid there for who knows how long just letting it sink in. Her head throbbed, probably due to the conclusion and she’s pretty sure she has a few broken ribs. Rook was pelted with shrapnel and is bleeding from multiple wounds all over her body. Multiple bones are horribly damaged.

Jacob, she would’ve expected to do something like this. Not the people she called family. Not after all that she’s done for them. The Whitetails are playing with fire and if she lives through these injuries, they’re gonna get burned. 

“Deputy, Deputy, Deputy...” Jacob’s disapproving voice rings in her ears. “Bet you wish you listened to me now, huh?”

Rook opens her eyes a little bit, fighting off the drowsiness threatening to take over. Her vision is blurry and her ears still ring intensely from the explosion. She'll be surprised if she doesn't have some sort of hearing loss, even despite the ear plugs she wears.

It was sad seeing the fearsome Deputy laying here in a pool of her own blood. Having been betrayed by none other than the Whitetail Militia. Pathetic, really. 

Rook, being the stubborn woman she is, struggles to sit up, only to have Jacob slowly push her back down. He cracks a smile, finding a bit of amusement in this. 

“What do you want, Jacob?” she tries to hiss, but it comes out weak. 

Jacob sighs. “I tried to warn ya. You didn’t wanna listen. Now look where you are. Alone. Dying. How does betrayal feel?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Rook manages to growl. 

Jacob laughs. “I’ll hand it to ya, kid. You’ve got some real nerve. I can respect that."

Rook coughs, blood ozing from between her lips and she rolls over. Jacob watches her, almost like he's studying her as she spits out the blood. There's not a lot, but it's enough for Rook to be concerned.

"You have blood in your lungs," he tells her.

"No shit," she rasps. "Why... are you here?"

Jacob chuckles, wiping some blood from her mouth. "I hear everything, Deputy. These are my mountains, after all. I heard the whisperings. I'm honestly surprised they followed through. Their plan would've worked perfectly had someone bothered to confirm that you were dead. They just screwed themselves, didn't they?"

Rook nods slowly, beginning to wheeze. Jacob sighs.

"I guess I've screwed with you enough. C'mon." He extends his hand down and slide it under her back, lifting carefully.

"W-what're you doing?"

"I can't let them go and kill my best weapon, now can I?" He puts his other hand under her back and lifts her up. Rook doesn't bother with trying to struggle or fight him. She doesn't want to die. Not yet and certainly not because of people she would've given her life for.

Jacob picks her up, carrying her as gently as possible as to not injure her further. She rests her head on his shoulder, feeling oddly comforted.

Jacob felt oddly bad for the Deputy. It was never a feeling he expected to feel toward the young rookie. He felt her breathing against him, slow and raspy, pained. Anger burned inside him. Maybe he had a soft spot for her. He has to admit he holds a fair amount of respect for her. She's doing what most people couldn't, wouldn't, or would die trying to do. If he's being honest, he feels responsible for putting her in this situation, but at the same time, this is exactly what he wanted so why does he feel so guilty?

News of Rook's death shook the county. Everyone felt the sting of the loss all while she laid at the Vet's Center recovering and healing. Deputy Pratt stayed by her side the whole time in utter disbelief that the Resistance would do that to her. It took months for her to be well enough to stand and walk around but once she crossed that threshold when healed quickly, though, her loyalties had shifted just a bit and she would never be the same again.

Jacob tried to persuade her to forget about the Resistance. "After everything they've done to you," he said.

"It wasn't the whole Resistance, Jake," Rook defended them. "Just the Whitetails. And that still doesn't change the fact that what you and your siblings are doing is wrong."

Jacob just rolls his eyes. "If one part of the Resistance did this, the rest could easily too."

"The actions of the Whitetails don't speak for everyone, Jake. There's still parts of the Resistance that have fought beside me and some people have given their lives for me. I can't just forget that."

"Sometimes I think you're too loyal, Rook. I really do."

Now it's Rook's turn to roll her eyes. "Whatever you say, Jacob. I need answers and I intend to get them, whether you like it or not."

As Rook made her way out of the room, Jacob felt compelled to call after her, so he did. "Hey!"

Rook stop, turning to face him, seemingly annoyed. "What?"

"I just don't want them to burn you again. I don't want you to waste your energy on people that would literally murder you after all you've done for them. What if when you show up, they freak out and actually do kill you? I didn't save you just to have you be killed."

Rook would've be irritated with him if it weren't for the shock overriding her senses. This kind of vulnerability was incredibly uncharacteristic for Jacob, yet here he was. He showed her a side not many people had ever seen. His caring side. A side to him many people would argue is nonexistent.

Rook was confused at where the sudden concern came from but decided to brush it off - for now.

"It'll be okay, Jake," Rook responds, using her nickname for him to ease the tension. "They'll be too shocked to do anything."

Jacob watched her leave and sighs. At this point he feels a sort of obligation toward her and keeping her safe. The feelings confuse him greatly and he's unsure what to make of them. All he knows is that he hates it.

Rook stands in the doorway behind Eli, waiting for the perfect moment to make her presence known. She fights the angry trying to explode in her and reminds herself: you're here for answers, not to start a fight.

"Hey, Eli..." Rook says softly, making the man stop dead in his tracks and turn slowly.

"Deputy...?"

"Hey..."

With just a few strides Eli had closed to distance between them and hugged her tight. He was genuinely relieved to see her and know that he hadn't killed her. Guilt thumped in his chest like a drum as he held onto her.

"I thought you died..."

Rook had to admit, his embrace felt good. She wished she could forget the deception.

Eli pulls back and looks Rook in the eye. He notices that one has obvious damage to the cornea. Rook catches onto what he's looking at.

"Some, uh, some metal shaving managed to find their way into my eye during the explosion. Don't worry, it only took about 30% of my sight in that eye. My hearing though... I have about half of what I had."

"Dep - I am - I am so sorry."

"I also lost about 25% of my breathing capacity. Major concussion that will effect my cognitive function for the rest if my life. Broken skull and major brain bleeding. My left knee cap basically had to be rebuilt because of how shattered it was when I landed on it after the explosion threw me. My right ankle was broken, both wrists, my left femur, and both my radius and ulnar were pretty well mangled. Did I tell you that not only were multiple organs bruised, but my kidney had ruptured just a little bit? Oh and I had a ton of tissue damage, but I pulled through."

"If anyone could've done it, Dep, it was you."

"Yeah, it was me," Rook chuckles humorlessly. "After being left for dead on the ground... left to bleed out or die of organ failure... you'd never guess who found me but that doesn't matter right now." Rook takes a few steps into the Wolf's Den and looked around. The place was seemingly empty. "What matters is..." she trails off, turning to face Eli. "why'd you do it, Eli?"

A look of shock is plastered of Eli's face as he takes a step back. "D-do what?"

"Set me up, Eli. Why did you set me up? Why did you try to kill me? After everything I've done for you and this fucking county."

"I-I'm sorry, Dep. I really am. You were dangerous, or at least that's what they told me."

"You're smarter than that, Eli. Or at least I thought you were. Letting someone manipulate your thoughts like that... Who was it, hm? Was it Tammy? You know she never liked me."

"After the trials Jacob put you through-! She was terrified that he would use you against us. And I saw it Dep. How you took all those cultists down... it was unnatural."

"Are you fucking kidding me!? Seriously!? I have been fighting for my life, Eli! I've had to change to adapt my methods to fucking survive and you wanna say I'm dangerous because I had to get better? You really don't understand what I was up against. While you got to sit in here I was out there doing anything and everything you wanted me to do." She points to the door. "I was being kidnapped and shot and beaten. I killed for you and I wpildve DIED for you but THIS is how you repay me!? Fuck you, Eli. I thought you were family. I THOUGHT I could FUCKING TRUST YOU."

Rook steps forward, shoving Eli hard and he stumbles, falling to the ground. Rook stalks over, kneeling down next to him.

"You thought I was dangerous before? Get a load of this. Jacob saved me. That's right. Jacob. You know how much damage I could do if I wanted to? All I'd have to do is tell him where this precious hideout is and he'd come down on all of you so fast and so hard that you would never know what hit. You all would be dead before you could get your radio out. The Whitetails would be extinct and all it'd take is just a few words."

"You wouldn't dare," Eli hisses, glaring at her.

"Wouldn't I, though?" Rook answers dangerously. "All it'd take is a few words and your life would be snuffed out much like you tried to do to me. You involuntarily gave me so much power, Eli. Guess next time you'll check my pulse yourself, huh?"

"Dep... please."

Rook sighs, standing up and turning away from him. "And even though you'd fucking deserve it, I won't do that. But I will tell the rest of the Resistance what all of you did and let them decide what to do with you."

A crushing weight falls onto Eli. "I'm sorry, Dep. I really am. I never wanted any of this to happen."

Rook sighs and places her hands on the table in the main room. "You know I can never forgive you or any of the Whitetails for this, right Eli? I would've given my life for you guys... How am I supposed to forgive this? No. I can't. I just can't."

"I understand, Dep... I don't blame you."

Rook takes a deep breath and turns to him again, seeing that he has gotten to his feet. "I've been doing some talking and I've managed to talk Joseph down. They're not leaving but they'll stop targeting and recruiting unwilling participants as long as the Resistance leaves them alone."

"What does that mean for you, Dep?"

She smiles a bit. "I don't know... I mean I just experienced life altering trauma, both physical and mental. I have permanent brain damage. Another bad hit to the head could kill me. So I guess... early retirement. I'm partially blind, can't bear for shit anymore and get winded by walking for extended amounts of time so it's really my only option."

He wanted to say it again. He wanted to apologize until he lost his voice. He couldn't believe he had been so dumb. She will never forgive the Whitetails and neither will he. He will never forgive himself.

"Goodbye, Eli," Rook muttered as she left the bunker. All Eli could do is watch her leave and prepare for the chaos that is about to erupt. The Resistance will be furious with them. They'll be luckily if the rest of them don't kill them.

Rook found herself back at the Vet's Center and questioned herself for a moment before going inside. She could've gone anywhere but she chose here. She chose to come back.

Jacob is waiting for her as she enters his office.

"They thought I was a danger to them..." she mutters.

"Why?"

"Your trials... they thought you'd use me against them."

Just as Jacob feared, they had caught onto his plan. But she would never know that.

Surprisingly, Jacob walked over to Rook and hugged her.

She was stunned and almsot pushed him away before accepting the affection. God knows she needed it after the last few months she had. She never thought she'd find comfort in Jacob Seed but here she is.

And as for Jacob, feeling the younger woman in his arms did something to him. He didn't want to let go. He didn't want her to go. And he would do anything to make sure she didn't.

Some things are better left unsaid and Jacob is sure that this is one of them.

[kcmorcbi-blog]

tom holland + cismale + he/him + reactive evolution.┊ ❛ ━ hey, is it just me or do you hear old town road by lil nas x playing in the distance ? oh, that’s just ridley vidraru, a twenty-one year old busboy. according to my sources, i heard he can be neutral good and is adaptable, but also reserved. that’s probably why they remind everyone of the smell of leather, large barn doors, and roosters crowing so much ! anyway, whether or not they’re in favor of the supers, crystalline city is keeping a close eye on them ! (lucy, seventeen, hast, they/them )

hello hello !! iʻm just gonna preface by saying that you should probably read kacchanʻs intro for luca first for a little more context because these two are related !! they actually cover the whole event over there but........

to sum up, ridley grew up on a big ʻole farm with a big ʻole family. he had a twin sister with whom he was always very close with. together, they learned magic from their father and wizard that was a family friend. when he was thirteen, shit hit the fan. in order to protect him and his sister, his father sent them through a portal with an endpoint that wasnʻt known to anyone and………..

p o s t - Y E E T ( a. k. a  c o u n t r y  b o y  i n  t h e  b i g  c i t y !! )

he ended up on the outskirts of the city. not exactly the best place for an unaccompanied thirteen year old whoʻd never been too far from the countryside before.

through the jump, he somehow got separated from his sister. he doesnʻt know if that was a condition that his father put into the portal or if something happened mid-trip, but suddenly he was alone for the first time in his life.

 he was never really good with the transporting aspect of magic like his pops was, and there was a sinking feeling in his stomach telling him that there was no way he was getting back home anytime soon unless his father found him.

he waited for weeks -- months, really, but who was counting ?? he was. -- for his pops to figure something. or for his sister to find him. then he tried to figure something out himself. see, the main problem was that he was thousands of miles from being anywhere close to back home and he had zero ways of getting there. this was DEVASTATING to him.

so, he gave up. not really. he always carried a determination to search for them. but for the time being, he wasnʻt really focusing on getting home. he just...adapted. that was always what he did best with the magic that he got from his dad and then wizard: changing to fit the environment best.

he took up odd jobs around downtown. mostly house maintenance and chores that people didnʻt want to call professionals for. he eventually tried his best to bounce around, taking jobs at places that lasted a little longer and, since he was essentially homeless, whose owners let him stay there through the entirety. he took up as many as he could so he would never have time to himself to think about things.

eventually, he made his way to some of the nicer parts of town and stumbled upon a horse stable. it was one of those nice ones where rich people kept their horses for jumping or for races. they just so happened to need an experienced stable-hand.

ridley got the job and having grown up around horses, managed to prove himself enough that they kept him long-term. they set him up with a little trailer near the stables so he could be close enough the horses when they needed him.

eventually, he got a himself a part-time job also working as a busboy ( because i forgot i put busboy on the app before i thought of this stablehand thing ) and earned enough money to buy himself a shitty little laptop so he could finish his schooling.

now, heʻs doing college online and gonna try and become a vet !! he might focus primarily on the equine but for now, itʻs just a general course.

power-wise, he !! is a magic cowboy !! he was getting lessons in magic from both his father and the wizard that lived with them, which were obviously cut short when they got separated. before that, however, he became very adept in defensive magic. this is what he honed throughout the years and is his main specialty.

he calls it reactive evolution because thatʻs essentially all he does. he gets placed in a situation and changes himself in order to survive best. for example, if you were to throw him underwater, heʻd grow gills and webbing between his fingers and toes. if you were to shoot at him, suddenly heʻd be made of steel.

living on his own in the city helped hone that skill more than anything. he made out very well on the streets specifically because of his skill set. anything that happened to him, he was able to keep himself long enough to safely get away.

so !! that’s it !! he’s a poor cowboy with a GED trying to work through online college and working as much as he can with his very limited resources to find his missing family.

t h e  m a n ,  t h e  m y t h ,  t h e  c o w b o y  ( p e r s o n a l i t y )

the’s a bit of a rascal at heart who doesn’t let himself cut loose too much. kind of what happens when you grow up having to take care of yourself.

HOWEVER !! if you get to know him,,,,,,,,gain his trust,,,,,,maybe heʻll open up and be the goof he is at heart hmm who knows anything can happen

pls break his walls down i double dog dare you

heʻs very hard working. heʻs the type of person that enjoys doing manual labor. like, he genuinely likes lifting hay bales and doing maintenance so heʻs always looking for anything he can get his hands on and fix. he tends to get a little stir crazy if heʻs not doing something productive.

he fucking loves animals. this mans adores any and all animals. heʻs partial to horses but he will fall in love with any type of non-human creature. if you want to be his friend, just say you have a pet cat or something.

heʻs literally the loneliest little bean. this is a mans who was part of a matching set for most of his formative years and then had that ripped away from him very abruptly. he misses his family so much but after nearly a decade, heʻs gotten better at hiding it. this is probably why he imprints on animals so much

he seriously is a weird little hermit who doesnʻt do anything for fun so pls !! take this mans out !! heʻs dork but heʻll probably be fun for something i guess !! heʻs got an accent and some sturdy boots !! idek what else pls just throw yourself at him cause heʻs shy. but still a dork. who knows whatʻll happen ?? not me !!

T L ; D R

yello !! iʻm your local gayby, lucy !! and here is my son, ridley. he is also lucaʻs son. that would make him kacchanʻs grandson. lmao oldie. anywho, basically,,,,,,,heʻs got the horses in the back. horse tack is attached. hat is matte black. got the boots thatʻs black to match.

[savrenim]

I keep almost opening tumblr to write a Big Long Post About My Life Because Goddamnit This Place Used To Be My Diary Until Suddenly I Got Involved In The H*milton Fandom And A Whole Bunch Of Strangers Started Following Me, and then, like. suddenly got more self-conscious. as well as better at dealing with stuff in my life so I haven’t really felt the need to vent, when did I become a semi-responsible semi-functional adult. but you know what? what the hell. there are things that I actually vaguely do want to vent about because dear gods has my life Been Ridiculous of late.

I am approximately 3/4 the person that I used to be? which is a dramatic way of stating that I used to be about 200lbs, I didn’t actually know because in theory I’ve aggressively avoided scales since high school because I used to have pretty bad anorexia and then orthorexia and binge eating then, it got better after I decided I don’t care about anything physical and just cut off all thoughts about anything like that and refused to acknowledge anything more than following the rule of eating three meals a day, but in practice I go to the doctor yearly and can access my medical records online and every once in a while can check with a friend and being steady over the last year or two meant that I was about 200lbs.

I was 153lbs the last time I checked, and I’ve been checking weekly just to make sure that I Don’t Keep Drastically Losing Weight, because this has all been since March. not even the beginning of March, the second half of March. I almost definitely lost thirty pounds in a month, a month and a half. and then have at least been losing weight more slowly after that? it has been fucking insane and I hated every second of it, wheeeee. (what happened in March was I got sick with the flu, couldn’t eat for a week, lost a fair bit of weight from that, and then my appetite/taste buds solidly shifted after only eating lentil soup back to super healthy vegetarian rice and beans and what-not that I’d been eating at the beginning of the school year, instead of take-out type deal, and I was actually getting sleep and going to more Tai Chi and every other week my car was breaking down so I was walking places a bunch and sudden lots of exercise + change in diet + not as stressed as first semester and getting sleep actually is a fairly healthy way to lose weight?)

but boooooy did it freak me out when I suddenly fit into jeans from the start of college that I had kept thinking I’d never fit into them again because Holy Fuck All Of My I’m Starving And Am Going To Die instincts kicked in and all of my actual close friends are online friends which meant besides one comment from a Tai Chi instructor directly after I’d been out for three weeks from slowly recovering from the flu (which actually was the nicest way anyone has ever commented on my weight, it was an “oh you’ve lost weight” “yeah I had the flu pretty bad, that’s where I’ve been for three weeks, couldn’t eat for a week and have been slowly getting back to solid meals” “oh yeah that really sucks, happened to a friend of mine last year, I think there are still pictures it’s scary” instead of a well you look good response, Thomas P is great and I love him) but absolutely no one was commenting and it made me feel like I was going crazy and I had no idea how much I weighed so how much I should be freaking out and no data even to compare that against, which was why I eventually broke and got a scale so that I could at least have datapoints and figure out when I was steady again because gods I just wanted to be steady

and, like, that was one of the literal worst parts of losing weight in high school, it was ballooning from 100lbs to 200lbs and all the not-so-subtle judgement from my mother when I came back various breaks during college and the number of times I had to threaten not to come back at all if she so much as commented on my weight so she found other ways of commenting about “why are you skipping aikido tonight, you only have so many times to go to the studio before you’re back east,” and, like, the constant fight of her either deciding to pay for my food or that she wouldn’t pay for any of it because I ate too much of it, and then, like. after having lost so much weight needing to get new bras and honestly some new clothes despite the fact that I haven’t bought fitted clothes since the very start of college because I’ve just been so fucking afraid of my weight ballooning again and not being able to fit into anything, considering I don’t really have money to drop on a new wardrobe as I get everything as cheap as possible or hand-me-down anyways and then wheeee that brought up all the shitty memories from high school where my mother refused to get me a new uniform when I weighed too much for my old one so I spent a year squeezing into skirts that left imprints on my waist and wearing long sweaters to cover the fact that I couldn’t zip them up, and, like. suddenly losing weight also triggered the fear of am I going to gain it all back then more and be stuck with a wardrobe that even though it was designed loose in the first place, still won’t fit me, which is ridiculous because I’m steadying out and it’s not like my diet or patterns are going to change again, just. gods have these past few months brought up a fair bit of past trauma and I a little bit wish more people had reached out to me and responded but I bugged the right people and they hella listened and made sure enough that old instincts and old fears didn’t get involved and, like. I like this body? I’m more flexible and my balance is a bit better and I can punch differently but just as well and I need to get used to groundfighting and throws with it but lack of mass is made up for in other ways. gods I love Tai Chi and it is the one thing that has kept me sane through all of this because no matter what my body looks like the thing that’s been most important to me is that physically, I’m dangerous, and that’s not about weight. that’s about strength, that’s about training, I’m in that studio now eight hours a week because that is the maximum number of classes they have for adults and I can practice on my own and just. the one time that I feel fiercely okay and goddamn happy about the fact that I have a physical form is knowing that if someone messes with me, I can defend myself, and proving it to myself over and over and over.

but yeah that’s been going on.

then there are the kittens can you tell how much my life has been made better by the kittens, I love these kittens so much, the story behind the kittens is that I saw a cat meowing outside, thought it was a stray kitten because of how small and starving it looked but knocked on doors to see if it belonged to any of my neighbors before I just took it to a vet type deal, and it belonged to the woman behind the first door I knocked on, who asked me why, do you want her, which I thought was weird, then said woman shouted at me from her window as I was taking out trash that seriously, this cat just had three kittens, she needed money and to get rid of them, was I interested in buying any of them off her, I was just going to get Talvus and then it was a combo of “she gave me the kitten at 4 weeks which then I couldn’t get him to eat anything because he hadn’t been weaned yet and kittens can’t be separated from the rest of their litter until 12 or 13 weeks or they don’t socialize correctly” that just. waaaasn’t good. as well as the other two kittens were adorable and I’d named them and it seemed for a little while like my girlfriend might be able to take one so I went “listen just give me all three at 8 weeks once they’re weaned and I’ll take it from there”

and I’m so fucking glad I did this

she was keeping all three of them in a cage most of the time, they weren’t using her litter box because she was barely cleaning it so she was surprised to hear they weren’t peeing all over my house, I’m actually taking them to get vaccinated and spayed/neutered which I can only afford because the Friends of Animals program exists but also, holy fuck have I been spending a lot of my savings between kittens and needing to drive everyone everywhere so a whole bunch of tolls and gas money to my fiance staying with me for a bit but that both meant buying more expensive groceries than I usually do because she eats meat as well as a whole bunch of errands to run and little things that add up (and then she got strep and just. it was a nightmare.)

right my car has been breaking down too, that’s been exciting, thank you my grandfather for dying and leaving enough inheritance-wise that I have been able to afford getting a different used car despite wheee leaking money left and right this summer but fixing up this one consistently because if I don’t I’m even More Fucked despite it not being worth it has legitimately burned through a solid quarter of my savings. like. I don’t have the right to say that I’m worried about money because I do still have some savings and a stipend coming in each month from research that pays for food and groceries so it’s not like it’s gotten tight so much as I have had to just deal with savings exist because sometimes emergencies come up and you Gotta Spend Them and hopefully I’ll save more next year and having a car that doesn’t break down every other month is going to help

considering the old car is in now perfect working condition I’m giving it to a friend of mine for $300 with the stipulation that if it breaks down at all over the next year I will refund them any of that $300 that they don’t make selling it to a junkyard because I didn’t want to waste a perfectly fine working car and my friends are even more poor than me I just. also am hemorrhaging money left and right and gods maybe that will help.

my fiance and I figured out that we’re probably never going to live together. from a combination of we have very, very different schedules to she needs so much structure in her life that slowly wears away at my spoons to not even give it to her but to re-arrange my own schedule and contribute to the logistics of her making it happen for herself, like, I can sit at the table in my apartment and work for eight hours on research and pause because there’s food in my kitchen to grab a thing to eat, she needed to go to a coffee shop every morning to be able to concentrate because if it wasn’t going out with a goal of doing something and being somewhere she wouldn’t be able to concentrate and it would mess up the entire day, which, like. wasn’t terrible because I usually walk for coffee anyways and can work anywhere but having that be a Necessary Logistic that I Have To Push For In The Morning Because God Help Anyone Who Tries To Wake The Sleeping Dragon (even though said sleeping dragon prefers to be on schedules where she wakes up at 6:30am, unlike my usual 10:00am, and we tried to compromise for 8:30am but guess who was the one who was always up first because I actually listen to my alarm and then dear gods is it stressful to wake people up)

(as well as this is not all her, it is also me, like. I need everything to be perfectly organized in terms of logistics so if someone hasn’t eaten yet it will bug me so I will ping them every half an hour of “you’ve forgotten to eat lunch, can we make lunch happen for you,” or there is a very specific state of clean that I need the apartment to be, or I’m incredibly antisocial at times, I can’t deal with someone touching me or fall asleep next to them if I’m stressed or if it’s hot so spent a couple of nights on the couch, as well as I’m picky about exactly the way the chores get done so needed to do all of them, the tl;dr is I think I have discovered my ideal living situation is living alone, at least most of the time and maybe having a house to visit on weekends, because I love her and love to spend time with her but also need a lot of space and long periods of quiet to do the work that I need to get done)

which, like

absolutely none of this is detrimental to our actual plans for our relationship, considering our actual plans are “we both are very busy people, she actually does have a group of people that she lives with very very well and that actively work well into her schedule, I have my kittens and my math and my facetime and my weekends with people, and the basis of our relationship is the commitment and the external alliance and the face that we present the world as well as the fun of getting to be gay and go on cute dates every once in a while, it’s not that we live well or lifestyle well together, it’s that we powercouple well together, so pick and choose the things that work and keep those.” which also works really well for she’s thinking of raising kids and I’m probably going to bounce around location-wise in post doc positions for a while before I find somewhere I might be able to settle with tenure, and, like. that’s not a good environment to raise kids in.

(we’re poly. we’re so poly. can you tell how poly we are. it’s one of the things that solidly makes us work, because we don’t have to force the other one to be everything, she’s found someone that she solidly likes that we’re calling prospective duckling papa, I also solidly like this person, so. kids might actually be a thing on the actual horizon, although probably not in the house that I’m spending most of my time, so that’s interesting. and terrifying. and expensive. and hopefully at least five years away.)

and then also I...finally had a conversation with a friend that I’ve been meaning to have for a while? that I really hope and I really think I did get across the whole “I care about our friendship the way that society mostly expects people to care about and be committed to romantic relationships, which is almost why it’s weird to just call you a friend which is why we are having this conversation, not because I Am In Romantic Love With You Again” of basically just “considering I’ve been thinking about and mapping out the actual relationships in my life and the ones that are steady and that are going to stick around, you know that I love you, right, and that you’re one of the ones that I really really want to stick around” and, like

gods do I love this person so much. and just....the role they have played in my life over the years? the way that I can talk to them and the things that I can talk to them about and share with them and math and physics and stories and DnD stories because gods do I rant about that to anyone who will listen and they get it pretty bad, oops, but they put up with it. and just the sum of who they are to me right now? is one of the most important people in my life. and I get so self-conscious of “but do I mean anything back to you at all, of course no one cares about me and this is Entirely One Sided but that’s okay I’ve always been the person who was going to jump in front of the bullet because I go more intense than other people” but, like. besides the friends that actively know that they are surrogate siblings to me. There’s my fiance, that I trust actually loves me as much as I love her, because we are very gay and we talk about it all the time. There’s another friend that is actually one of the few people that I’m physically comfortable with because both (a) he is as asexual as me so I can actually make out or cuddle with him while knowing that there is zero interest in sex happening in the encounter, and (b) has spent years slowly setting boundaries and slowly negotiating comfort levels together and has been an amazing friend and fantastic part of my life in other ways and, like, so yeah, I love him, and he’s well aware of that, and he loves me, and I’m not self-conscious about that, but, just.

there is this part of me that always goes “nope you don’t matter to people” or at least the people that matter to me unless I have Lots Of Data to back it up and you know what I have fucking data to back this one up and this person explicitly told me that they care about me too

and it bothers me to love a person a bunch and then go “but oh gods I need to be so careful and delicate about saying it because what if They Get The Wrong Message and I don’t want to make things awkward on their end” which also is complete bullshit because this person has heard me talk about how I think and feel about things for years so if anyone is going to actually know that I’m not lying or sidestepping the truth in what I mean when I say I love them it’s going to be them but just. I guess time to build up the confidence that it is okay to directly express how much I care about this person the way that I have gotten comfortable expressing the way I care about other people in my inner circle because at least now I have their word that they know, they’re okay with it, they care about me right back too type deal

and that is all the drama that has been going on in my life

[sourwolfstories]

what r some good long sterek fics pls help

Indelible Marks by billtheradish

The house never burned. The pack is strong. Derek will never need to be the alpha, and his sister is a troll. (Actually, most of his family is like that.)

Derek is an apprentice tattoo artist, and Stiles isn’t old enough to get ink of his own yet. But that doesn’t stop him from being interesting…

(This story is now out of buffer, but I will always announce when the next update will be, and am trying to keep to a regular posting schedule. Also, please be advised that this is essentially a rough draft. That doesn’t mean it’s riddled with typos, every chapter is edited, just that the overarching plot and side stories haven’t had a chance to be edited in full yet–but they will be. An edited version of this story will be posted eventually, so if the current length isn’t your cup of tea, just come back later.)

Home by TheTypewriterGirl

January seventh. Seven days since the start of 2015, and seven days since his father’s death.

The bastard, he thinks bitterly. The past year Derek Hale had made it blatantly obvious that he hated his scrawny guts, taking every given opportunity to shove him up against a wall, growl threats in his ears and roll his eyes whenever he stepped into the room, muttering some snide comment about how spastic or idiotic he was.

So why did he fucking volunteer to take him in?

Put Down in Words by paintedrecs

“Oh,” Stiles said, his voice coming out low and breathy, “fuck me.”

“I don’t think that’s on the syllabus, but we can check to see if there’s a spot open in any of his classes,” Scott said, grinning.

“This isn’t an actual professor, though,” Stiles insisted, unable to resist brushing his thumb over the sharp line of the man’s bearded jaw. He was laughing at something off-camera, the shot taken in three-quarters view, his coat collar casually rumpled and opened to reveal a sliver of a simple grey t-shirt. The whole thing was deliberately calculated to lend him a more accessible feel, and god help him, Stiles was falling for it.

*

When Stiles signed up for Dr. Hale’s intro to history class, he had two goals: knock out the credits his advisor was bugging him to complete before he graduated, and spend a few hours a week daydreaming about his sexy professor’s salt and pepper beard.

Derek, a few months away from turning forty and not sure when his life had started feeling so damn lonely, had never encountered someone like Stiles before. Bright-eyed, sharp-tongued, determined to throw Derek’s carefully cultivated world into disarray…and absolutely the last person Derek should be falling in love with.

Hallowed Grounds by damnfancyscotch

Everything in Beacon Hills is the same when Stiles comes home from college.

Well, except for the fact that he’s a published author now, Scott is halfway across the world with a travelling circus, Erica’s epilepsy has been cured, her boss offers him a job too, and there’s this weird black dog that seems to be following him around just to judge him.

Oh, and the murders, of course.

But other than that stuff… totally the same old BH.

The Boy and the Beast by Dira Sudis

In which events in Beacon Hills go rather differently from the start, and a Beauty and the Beast (ish) story ensues. (Scott is not a teacup and no one sings about their feelings.)

Love Thy Neighbor…He’s Hot by Triangulum

Derek and Laura seriously lucked out with Stiles as their neighbor. Yeah he can be loud, but he keeps it to normal hours, and he brings them food, they have movie nights, he’s so beautiful, and okay, Derek might be pining. The only problem is, Stiles has a girlfriend. And Derek HATES her.

OR

The one where Derek and Laura live next door to Stiles, and Derek has a completely out of control crush. A Sterek as neighbors one shot AU that got wildly out of control.

The Hollow Moon by thepsychicclam

It’s the summer after Stiles’ first year of college, and he’s working a crappy job and dealing with nightmares and anxiety - but he’s okay, he swears. He makes it through most days without too much trouble. Then, a certain werewolf comes back into town. Which Stiles doesn’t care about, nope, not at all.

After two and a half years, Derek returns to Beacon Hills with his small Pack. Though he tried to move on, something just kept drawing him back to Beacon Hills, he’s just not sure what. Now, he figures he can start building something like a life - but he keeps getting distracted by Stiles Stilinski of all people.

Permanent Fixture by linksofmemories

Derek is Scott’s older brother. Stiles is Scott’s best friend. Derek is falling in love with Stiles. This is a bit of a problem.

Wild Horses by thepsychicclam

Derek’s a drifter with no home, no destination, and no will to live. Stiles works on his family’s failing cattle and horse ranch while all his friends are going off to college. When Derek falls asleep in a random barn, exhausted and half-starved, he doesn’t expect to wake up on the other end of the sheriff’s shotgun. And Stiles sure as hell doesn’t expect his dad to invite the drifter in for breakfast.

Play Crack the Sky by WeAreTheCyclones

Excerpt from “Hale Pulls the Plug on the Future of Rock,” Rolling Stone, Issue 1203 – Oct. 2014“Fans and music industry vets alike are left reeling in the wake of bassist Derek Hale’s sudden departure from Smokes for Harris. At a time when the foursome from Beacon Hills, California seems to be on the cusp of rock superstardom after just one double platinum record, Smokes has everything to lose.”

Excerpt from “Smokes for Harris: Gladiator,” SPIN.com – Feb. 2015“Smokes for Harris gives in a little to the pop punk of yesteryear in their sophomore effort, but rather than pandering to fans of a lost era they elevate the genre in a way that hasn’t been seen in quite some time. Frontman Stiles Stilinski works double duty as singer and primary songwriter and proves that he can handle the task even without former bassist Derek Hale.“

Three Marks by sanam

"And then there was pain again, but this time it was in only three places—his arm, below his clavicle, and next to his heart, all on the left side. It felt like the skin was being sliced apart, ripped open, flayed off—And suddenly it was done.Derek looked across the room and saw the boy on the floor, looking about as bad as Derek felt.”

Derek and Stiles learn that bonding is probably best done with ridiculous amounts of video games and maybe a little bit of time.

Windows by dr_girlfriend

Derek has a new neighbor who won’t stop looking.

Excerpt:

“You’re blind,” Derek said flatly, the anger draining from him so suddenly he felt almost woozy. His vision cleared, his claws sliding back into blunt fingernails.

“Thanks for the memo, genius,” the kid said acidly. “I can still fucking defend myself, so don’t take another damn step.”

“Fuck, I…I’m sorry,” Derek stuttered.

“What?!” The kid’s brow crinkled. “I mean — what?! You’re fucking sorry!?” His lips thinned into a harsh line. “What, is this some kinda Hallmark movie where you’re discovering the error of your ways because you don’t want to rob a blind person?! That’s fucking condescending, man. I’ll have you know that —”

“Just, wait.” Derek interrupted what was apparently the start of a convincing argument as to why he should rob the kid after all, feeling his head start to spin. “This is — it’s a misunderstanding. I’m — I’m not robbing you. You’re — you’re safe, okay? I’m taking three steps back. Just — just let me explain.”

“Explain why you came busting into my apartment? Yeah, go right ahead, man, I can’t wait to hear this epic tale.”

Gravity’s Got Nothing on You by zosofi

“Three weeks,” Derek says.

“Still don’t want to,” Stiles says.

“I’ll pay you,” Derek says, and that… that has Stiles interested. Alf’s Antique’s may be a great job, but it’s not a high-paying job, and half of Stiles’s tuition is coming from financial aid, so…

“How much,” Stiles asks, “are we talking here? Because I know your family, dude. And it’ll be kind of awkward after.“

“My family thinks you’re some sort of fucking gift to the world,” Derek seethes, like he’s jealous, “they’ll probably be pissed at me when we break it off, so don’t worry about that. Five hundred bucks.”

“A thousand,” Stiles says, because screw ethics. Also, the Hale family is loaded. Derek can deal.

Dating Backwards by RemainNameless

Pornstars Derek and Stiles work for the same company. Derek only shoots with werewolves and Stiles only shoots with humans. That’s not going to change after they meet. It’s really not.(It might.)

Didn’t See That Coming by knittersrevolt

Stiles leaves Beacon Hills in the dust after he catches his husband cheating on him.

He finds his way to New York where he starts working for the Hale House Nursery, accidentally adopts a werewolf baby (through no fault of his own thank-you-very-much), and somehow starts training to be an Exorcist Emissary. So, in general, life was going good.

Then he hears that demons have found their way into his hometown. Can he face his inner demons and go back to save the day?

No Homo by RemainNameless

Stiles’ sophomore year starts something like this:3 FourLokos+ 1 peer-pressuring cat- 1 best bro to end all best bros= 1 Craigslist ad headline that reads “str8 dude - m4m - strictly platonic”.Derek is the fool who replies.

There’s Monsters at Home by calrissian18

“How did you get past the wards?” Derek had put them up, with Peter’s grudging assistance, after the Alpha pack had made themselves at home a few times too many.

The guy pulled a face. “You mean the wards a five-year-old girl with the mental ability of a goldfish could deconstruct?” He blinked wide eyes at Derek. “Gee, I don’t know. It’s bound to go down as one of life’s great mysteries.”

Derek despised him.

Prince Among Wolves by tylerfucklin

Looking for full day/evening sitter. 2 twin boys age 4. Must have exp. w/werewolves. Must be human. No pedophiles. No teenage girls. Pay negotiable.

Between Men and Lions by standinginanicedress

“I thought we could be friends,” Derek offers, to which Stiles gets an odd smile on his face.

“Friends,” he repeats, an odd inflection.

“Yes, friends.”

Stiles laughs, just barely. It’s more of an exhalation of breath than it is genuine mirth or anything else, and then he smiles. “I’m pretty good at friends,” he says with a tilt to his head, and Derek clears his throat and has to look away.

What’s Best For Everyone, Isn’t What’s Easy by gatergirl79

Derek is gone and Stiles is left holding the baby…well, a cheery three year old named Leah actually. While Derek searches for her mom, Stiles plays daddy. When the sour-alpha wolf returns with his ex in toe, things get strained between Stiles and Derek. Especially now that’s they’ve realized just what they mean to each other

[ladyoftherose]

Rules: Answer these 92 statements

Tagged by @vorrible THE LAST: 1. Drink: Sunkist 2. Phone call: my mom lol 3. Text message: “Thanks for the new cutlery sucker" 4. Weak by AJR 5. Time you cried: I cried a couple weeks ago when I was consistently sick and in pain but that's about it HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: Haven't dated anyone once either so 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: I kissed a dude in 1st grade on the head a few times and boy do I regret it 8. Been cheated on: Nope, haven't had anyone to cheat on me tho 9. Lost someone special: Ive lost a few relatives to cancer but no one extremely close 10. Been depressed: i don't know if I'd call it depression but I went through some shit 7th-10th grade? 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: I don't drink lol LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Green, Blue and Red IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yup 16. Fallen out of love: Kinda? 17. Laughed until you cried: I do all the time 18. Found out someone was talking about you: I have a hunch on a few people but tbh I'm used to it. 19. Met someone who changed you: Not particularly, I've reconnected with some old friends though. 20. Found out who your friends are: I already kinda knew but I suppose so. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: hahahaha no they are all relatives basically. GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: 20/22 23. Do you have any pets: Hell yeah, I have a dog, guinea pig, betta fish and by extension my siblings have an iguana, turtle and hamster (and a slug apparently) 24. Do you want to change your name: I don't really like my name but I wouldn't get rid of it. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: It was on a Monday so I had to go to school but I got to pick what I wanted for dinner and i got a new iPhone so it worked out quite nicely. 26. What time did you wake up: I wake up multiple times before I actually get up, so like 12? My sleeping schedule is fucked lol 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Playing skyblock with a friend and listening to music on my phone. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Being able to drive, having an income??? more free time, finding a boyfriend etc. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: few minutes ago because she's running around vacuuming. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish I was more motivated to do shit and that I could draw better. 31. What are you listening right now: nothing atm 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: All the time with my best boi and friend @saddildosinc 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: Passive aggressive people, figuring shit out for registering for college classes, actually practicing parking and getting my license done so my mom stops lowkey calling me lazy. 34. Most visited Website: Tumblr and YouTube lol LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: I don't think I have any?? 36. Mark/s: I got some birthmarks on my hand and by my eye so that's cool. 37. Childhood dream: Wanted to be a vet but got talked out of it. If you mean dreams in general, i don't remember because I tend to have nightmares that make no sense lol 38. Haircolor: Goldish brown 39. Long or short hair: hella long boi 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Nope, Im not attracted to people very easily. 41. What do you like about yourself: I like my eyes and hair. Kinda like my legs too. 42. Piercings: I don't really want any nor do I have some. I think they look cool though. 43. Bloodtype: fuck if I know 44. Nickname: my friend called me snicklefritz once but otherwise none in particular. 45. Relationship status: Still single lmao 46. Zodiac: Aries 47. Pronouns: She/Her 48. Favorite TV show: Steven Universe, Voltron, RWBY (if that counts?), Scrubs. 49. Tattoos: None and not rly interested but I think they are cool. 50. Right or left hand: Righty 51. Surgery: Nope. 52. Hair dyed in different color: One shade lighter than my actual color due to my mother and my sister's insistance. 53. Sport: I am shit at athletics so none. I like watching swimming and ice skating though. 54. (???? avoid) 55. Vacation: My family tends to go to a cottage up north during the summer for a week and i love being on a lake so 56. Pair of trainers: ??? No? MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: I enjoy it? 58. Drinking: Very nice. 59. I’m about to: Go to the store w/ my mom and probs get lunch. 62. Want: To be motivated or at the very least have some more cash and less problems. 63. Get married: Boy I hope to someday my dude. 64. Career: Looking into medical technology but I have no distinctive interests other than Human Resources maybe. WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Both? Both is good. 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes 67. Shorter or taller: Tallllll. 68. Older or younger: A bit older than I is cool. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Both again. 71. Sensitive or loud: I can b your angle or I can b ur devel. It depends lol. 72. Hook up or relationship: I'm all about that sweet sweet commitment so relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: If I get in trouble I'll likely cry or panic so hesitant. HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: I can't even kiss a friend honey. No. 75. Drank hard liquor: Nope. 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I've broken the frames of my glasses like 3 times but I don't lose them. 77. Turned someone down: Kinda? There's some real creepy people lol I just ignore them. 78. Sex on the first date: Hell no. 79. Broken someone’s heart: How the fuck should I know? No??? 80. Had your heart broken: Meh, a couple times I guess. 81. Been arrested: Nope. 82. Cried when someone died: I cry even when cartoon characters die ofc I cry. 83. Fallen for a friend: Kinda but it wasn't meant to be lol DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: I don't even know. 85. Miracles: Sometimes. 86. Love at first sight: Attraction maybe, love? No. 87. Santa Claus: Nope. 88. Kiss on the first date: Depends if I knew the person already I guess. OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: I have many but the oldest is my good pal Lauren. 91. Eyecolor: Green I think. 92. Favorite movie: I like so many? Strange Magic I've watched a lot though. Tagging: @smilingwaters @deliciousfrenchfries @animalbks @the-rad-machine @p00kn00t @saddildosinc @misubito I tried

[charoshane]

My Favorite Books of 2016

I read well over 100 books this year which I say not to brag (although, obviously, to brag a little) but to provide some perspective about the size of my field for consideration and to explain why there are so many titles. Most of these weren’t published in 2016 so you’re not going to see the same 10-15 that kept showing up on all the usual year-end lists. You’re welcome! Here we go:

THE UNFORGETTABLE 

Zippermouth by Laurie Weeks — Sweet, funny, propulsive. I adored it. 

Dark Pool Party by Hannah Black — No one’s brain works like hers.

Eros The Bittersweet by Anne Carson — Also read this year, and recommended, of course: Antigonick, Decreation, and Float, which I reviewed for The New Republic

Straw Dogs by John Gray — Invigorating and smart, albeit peppered with extreme declarations supported by little to no evidence. You have to be willing to put up with a voice that assumes complete authority without always earning it, i.e., a man’s. 

White Out by Michael W. Clune— If you were going to read only one book on this entire list, I’d probably urge you to make it this one. And I know, I know, he is a man, and I just took that dig at men! But truly, this is a masterpiece, and you know it has to be exceptional to override my reverse sexism. Hilarious, vivid, insightful, insert additional superlative here and additional superlative here and then just go read it.  (Gamelife, his subsequent book, is also very good, but it’s hard to write something perfect twice in a row. That’s more Anne Carson’s domain.)

10:04 by Ben Lerner — What can I say? Ben Lerner is a genius, this book is genius, 2016 was the year I could not deny that men actually wrote some things worth reading. I continue to almost shudder in admiration every time I think about this title. 

The Hatred of Poetry by Ben Lerner — I thought about its ideas a lot, and referenced it in the Float review linked above. Pick 10:04 over this if you’re only doing one, maybe, or start with this one instead because it’s short and direct (?)

The Gift by Barbara Browning — God bless @ruthcurry for giving me this book on election night. It was the only thing I could read over the following two days: gentle, loving, wise. I am so grateful to have had this book when I did. It has shades of 10:04, which I say just to compliment them both, not to imply it’s derivative. It doesn’t come out until spring of this year, but please give yourself the gift of reading it ASAP. (See what I did there?) 

Jesus’ Son by Denis Johnson — I put off reading this for years—can you guess why—but once I started I could not stop. I usually went back and reread the stories that had come before, before I progressed to the next. Good albums are like that too; too arresting for you to get very far into them right away, because you keep replaying the opening track(s).

All The Lives I Want by Alana Massey — It’s no secret that I’m friends with this little dynamo and I understand why you'd be liberally salting this recommendation as a result. But I’d never recommend a book I didn’t think was worth reading. Life is too short to pretend bad things are good, even if the maker of that bad thing is my friend. I just can’t do it! So believe me when I say that although I already respected Alana’s daunting ability to turn a phrase, I was so impressed with this book. It’s relentlessly intelligent, and mischievous, full of verve and focus and conviction. It made me want to write, which is the highest compliment I can give. 

Loving Sabotage by Amélie Nothomb — I’d never heard of Amélie Nothomb until I came across this recommendation from @magicmolly but now I think I’ve read everything of her’s that’s available in English. (Loving Sabotage is the best but there are striking passages in all the others, too.)

The Vet’s Daughter and Our Spoons Came From Woolworth’s by Barbara Comyns —  They’re both surprising horror stories told by unsentimental but vulnerable female narrators. I loved them very much. 

The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle — I picked this up a few times as a kid but I couldn’t find any sex in it, so I didn't bother giving it a proper read. Now that I have, I can say it is exceptional: delicate, lyrical, original. I cried, and then I cried again. I know it’s about a unicorn, but fuck you.  

Other books I recommend without reservation:

Private Citizens by Tony Tulathimutte 

The Man in the Ceiling by Jules Feiffer (I cried!)

The Millstone by Margaret Drabble (Truly the year I fell in love with British female novelists.)

Drawing Blood by Molly Crabapple (generous, beautiful, singular)

Problems by Jade Sharma

D.V. by Diana Vreeland

I Have Devoted My Life to the Clitoris by Elizabeth Hall

Little Labors by Rivka Galchen (Good enough to inspire me to read her first novel, Atmospheric Disturbances, which I’m glad to have read but perhaps should have been a short story instead of an entire book.)

Sleepless Nights by Elizabeth Hardwick (When I’m reading Hardwick, I am amazed by her, but her writing also tends to leave my brain immediately, like it’s a dissipating smoke.)

Orgasmic Bodies by Hannah Frith (Academic but not too dense, and packed with important ideas)

Intimacies by Adam Phillips and Leo Bernsani (another academic one, but all about anal sex. [Ok, not only anal.]) 

The Lost Daughter by (duh!) Elena Ferrante, whom I wrote about a little here, much to a certain Freddie DB’s disapproval  

Sempre Susan by Sigrid Nunez

Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day by Winifred Watson (Recommended to me ages ago by Mallory Ortberg so you know it’s good.)

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie by Muriel Spark (Related: I read Memento Mori and sort of hated it!) 

The Selfishness of Others by Kristen Dombek 

The Situation and the Story by Vivian Gornick (+ The End of the Novel of Love)

Investing Sex: Surrealist Discussions (I dunno, it’s kind of stupid because it’s mostly a bunch of young straight guys sitting around talking about women’s orgasms like the complete jackasses they are, but it’s also fun and reminded me of things I forget too often, like how fundamentally boring sex can be.)

You Too Can Have a Body Like Mine by Alexandra Kleeman (bizarre, assured, unsettling. I was dying to talk about it with someone during and after I read it but that loneliness is what I get for reading everything at the wrong time. And for having no friends.) 

The Vegetarian by Han Kang (HAUNTING. So haunting.)

The Bitch in the House (It’s rare for anthologies to be good, I think, because they invite such a compromise on quality of writing . But this one is!)

The Diary of a Teenage Girl by Phoebe Gloeckner (Also, A Girl’s Life and Other Stories, which is a rehash of a lot of what’s in Diary but I liked it anyway. You have to be prepared for true teenage diary writing though. Gloeckner has stresses it’s fiction but she also includes excerpts at the end from her real diary as a kid, and they appear almost verbatim in the book. It’s self-involved and repetitive and tedious in places—like diaries are supposed to be!—but I still found it worthwhile. )

Diary of an Emotional Idiot by Maggie Estep (And/or Soft Maniacs by the same.)

And obviously I loved everything @tigerbeepress released this year. I have a particular soft spot for my collaboration with @merrittk, and for Bad Drawings, which turned out more perfect than I could have imagined. 

[survivorandalucia]

“Well Stone boy, let the games commence.”- Amanda

Too busy socializing and not sounding bad for once to make a long one but FUCKKKKK!

Welp.... there goes my plan, both of the people i could control the votes of are gone.

Jenna thought she could get me out? Ahaha, you're gonna have to try a little harder than THAT. Took me all of two hours to get an eight vote majority against you girl, maybe next time try and target somebody you can actually vote out. Catch ya later, little miss last place.

OMG BYE JENNA! You little snake ass bitch!! *booty drop* im so happy that snake is gone! BUT NOW A TRIBE SWAP OMFG! Already this game is so crazy! Amanda is safe so bless! Im gonna bring my social game in today and try to talk to the vets and then tmw for only a little bit I don't wanna be seen as a big social threat yet or overplay anything! I made an alliance with everyone that is left an good thing i was in an alliance with all of them! But the fact that i have previously made a doc with all the info from the past players should help my tribe out! Chris stoner is a big threat he won a season and got second out! I want him out but only if somone else brings up his name! I'm so anxious now oh my lordy!

I survived first tribal with no votes and I'm so excited. Though now we are switching tribes are im a little worried because I was in a good position and now I don't know where I stand

OKAY SO I made an alliance with Jacob Payton and Toph and we were ready to slay the game and stuff and then we have a tribe swap which meant we lost Jacob but we decided to do a newbies alliance so that's cute 

Payton is cute and it distracts me that is all

I am kinda alining myself with Madison just cause she won the thing at first and i think she's cute and i feel like that's gonna bite me in the butt. She's also though the only one i even remotely trust though atm.

So we swapped and there's some good things about this tribe, thankfully. They've got an inactive, and I screamed for joy when I saw that. The fans want Willa gone, we want Willa gone, so when it comes down to numbers the fans will be scrambling and that puts me in a neato position to work with either the newbs or the veterans, and I love that gig. As for the newbies, I'm really liking Toph, Payt, & Amanda so far. I haven't talked too much with Madison off-call but Amanda and I sent memes and did some good ol' Game of Thrones chatter, Toph is a fellow atheist (which there's less of us than I'd like rip) and Payt rocks his dino onesie and seems like a fun fella. But as for the returnees, I can't say I'm fond of many of 'em. I've barely spoken with LA and Jordan M., but I do like Adrian & Chris. Hopefully I'm on decent footing here, I just gotta stay chatty and stay sunny. I'm not going anywhere, bet on that.

JENNA WAS ROBBED also me socio-strategic icon not getting any votes except for the one i gave myself B) jk i was afk all day whoops, but this game is crazy already yikes cant wait to flop <3

The returners are some shady motherfuckers, like seriously the first fucking challenge they backstab us, like i trust that madison didn't and i'm pretty sure jordan lied to us and maybe poteet knows.

Surprise!

Tribal again, rip. I'm a little worried this round.

So, I planted the seed into the newbies alliance chat that we should get Chris out as soon as we can. I saw his games, he's a comp beast and has made FTC both times he's played. I feel like he's going to become a huge threat in the game if we don't take him out soon enough. I also feel really insecure with my newbies alliance, they haven't done anything shady, I just have a bad feeling. Thankfully, I can't get voted out this time! I love Jenna for giving me immunity. Payton wants Jordan out, but I kind of like him. He has been acting shady, but I think now is the best time to get Stone boy out. I don't think anyone will wind up listening to me, though. I told Poteet I'm debating between getting a threat out or someone annoying or someone shady and he was like "Well the other tribe isn't bad at challenges so I think we should stay strong for now." I get where he's coming from, but I have a feeling that Chris will be impossible to get out once merge hits. I'm having a (bean) dilemma right now and I just don't want to put a target on my back for mentioning Chris to any returnees. Payton told me he made an alliance with Poteet (and I think LA) and he told them to get Jordan out, so I guess we have to get him out now unless something (hopefully) changes. I'm happy though, I can remain a bit calm because in the end, I do have immunity. If something happens though and one of the newbies goes home, we're all royally fucked.

Omg we won immunity. It was close but we did it. Aah I'm just trying to make it a day at a time I personally didn't know what the heck I was doing during the challenge Out of all the vets, I have a pretty good relationship with Daniel And I have a good relationship with the newbies So hopefully I have a really good social game going

So, winning that challenge was AMAZING! I led Malaga to a big fat W, and I've made a group of friends doing it. I had a rocky start to this game, but I ain't going any where for a while yet, so I guess y'all are stuck with me.

guess who has no fucking clue what's happening? it's me it's been a busy couple days and my cat died and i died inside and there is this org going on that i'm probably losing and there are new people and old people who probably know each other and there's a shea and an angry tomato in our tribe chat for some reason i'm actually so confused about life i think there was a challenge

Hiiiii! Your fave floppy fan from the last FvF is here and is ready for his second shot at the virtual million bucks! I love everyone here, from the hosts to the people that actively tried to talk to me: Jordan Pines, Rhone, Poteet, Jake and Jordan M! But we're not on the island coming off the boats or whatever, and these twisted hosts say that we have to vote someone off from both tribes?!?! Also, noting the fact right now that I was completely oblivious that there were 22 people to begin with and not 20 AJNAJSND I HAVE BEEN A MESS SINCE THIS GAME STARTED AND I HATE IT ALREADY! So, I have been somewhat inactive in the first 24 hours of this game. Half of the returnee tribe has not responded to my add request, and I have only been talking to Jake, Rhone and Poteet a whole lot. Both Jordans are chill, but Pines is acting all fucking smug ever since it was announced that he found that immunity? Okay chill. We get that you're immune for the first tribal of the season, but most of this community knows your reputation of being a dick and asswipe, and I wasn't apart of that mindset until you demonstrated it with our short 15 minute talk. I pray we lose this first challenge so I can take you out. Day 2 and WHEWWWWW ALREADY A TRIBE SWAP? Amazing. Just amazing. Also there is a thing called "Trials of Terror" this season? But like, where is the trials part of this twist.... and how is it terrorizing? All we have for premergers is for them to hand immunity to some unsuspecting flop from either tribe, only for them to advance to the next round of gameplay? Again, terrorizing? No. Good idea to be buddy-buddy with the person who's name you are writing down tonight? ABSOLUTELY!

So this round is a god damn mess. Payton really is trying my patience right now. First you want me and poteet to target each other. Now you want to target me. Oh hunny no you gotta try harder than that. The best part is poteet helped me in the challenge to try and get the advantage so that was his first mistake. Also Madison I see you leaking information. That's noted and wont be forgotten. I'm so ready to get votes at every tribal I attend honestly. Shower me in votes daddy.

It is Day 4? Idk I lost count already that's so sad :( But, my new tribe lost the challenge and I'm not even too worried. The newbies are like digging their selves into a ditch and I'm just sitting back and watching the show unfold. Willa is an inactive mess. Thank god I got to see how he played in Athena ORG, cause then I would know to keep him on a leash. Amanda and Toph are like the only cool ones I had the pleasure of talking too. Madison is something. Girl, I personally think is oblivious to the fact that we swapped tribes and did not add me back until the challenge results went up, and there is Payton. Sweet lovable Payton. Dude you're  a mess, and you already fucked up saying that you have an alliance with someone by posting in the tribe chat "but don't tell anyone we're an F2"..... Typical newbies. Its hilarious to watch honestly. Literally, how people are like offering me these alliances offers is truly baffling. Because I am really at most a 6 on the activity scale at this point, and with us attending tribal tonight, they're really looking and scoping for a vote that they can use huh? But alright, I'll play dumb and go along with your plans. Just don't be shocked when its you tonight that goes home!

So after we lost immunity I started talking to Jordan who said that Payton kept beans for himself during the challenge so of course I immediately told Payton so then we got the anti Jordan train rolling BUT WAIT now Jordan wants to work with our newbie alliance so idk how I got out of this bean mess unscathed nobody even blamed for it which offends me deeply and I would just like to say that Jordan Means rhymes with beans so he was the one that held out that is all

I'm not agreeing with Amanda or Payton so that nobody can use my words against me but now everyone is turning against Payton who I trust so very much so I feel really torn about the vote and Ahhhh

Looks like I'm the only newbie here that grew a pair of balls today. Jordan told me that he knows Petra and I was like "Oh shit, I have to flip this vote on my own!" So, I suggested it to the newbies alliance. Turns out, I was right for having a bad feeling about them. Payton goes to Chris and tells him that I'm throwing his name out there. This little hoe is really testing my patience huh??? I rallied up myself, Jordan, Madison, Toph, Adrian, and Willa to get Chris out. Things should go smoothly because I highly doubt he has an idol. I heard that people were also trying to get Payton out, but I brought up the point that if Payton goes he will give Chris immunity. I thoroughly believe Chris is a very smart person so I think he would throw immunity just so he can take out one of our numbers, which could wind up being me. Also, this is how I know Payton is out to get me. [3:15:32 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: hmm [3:15:37 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: just be careful [3:15:58 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: watch your back [3:16:20 PM] Amanda Sledge: okay then [3:16:23 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: look [3:16:25 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: dont be fake [3:16:28 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: dont come at me w that fake shit [3:16:29 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: ill get u out [3:16:33 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: easily [3:16:35 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: trust me [3:16:38 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: im not some fool [3:16:46 PM] Amanda Sledge: okay [3:17:35 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: just done be fake thats all [3:17:38 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: otherwise im a great guy! [3:17:43 PM] Amanda Sledge: aight lol [3:17:45 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: if u wanna come after me have some balls [3:17:48 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: say yo ur a threat [3:17:50 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: boom game done lets go versus [3:17:56 PM] Amanda Sledge: aight then [3:18:00 PM] Amanda Sledge: game on pal [3:18:09 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: this is where the fun begins [3:18:11 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: gluck [3:18:16 PM] Amanda Sledge: thank you [3:18:20 PM] Amanda Sledge: good luck to you as well [3:18:34 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: ur safe tonight [3:18:42 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: but not next round [3:18:46 PM] Amanda Sledge: yep Well Stone boy, let the games commence.

God, I've been torn all day, but I decided to vote Payton out. Chris gave me a really good case, and I decided to listen to it. Let's hope that it will benefit me in the game! Fingers crossed. [5:24:29 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: well this is my pitch to you in regards to not voting me [5:24:33 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: I am loyal to those who help me [5:24:43 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: you came after me in a good attempt but without getting to know me [5:24:51 PM] Amanda Sledge: fair point [5:24:54 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: i don't judge that or hold it against you, I expected it coming into the game [5:25:08 PM] Amanda Sledge: my messages are gonna send later my wifi sucks sorry [5:25:10 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: im pretty loyal, I'm good at comps. i am the only winner in this game so there will be plenty of time to get me out [5:25:12 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: no worries youre good [5:25:18 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: no one will let me win twice [5:25:29 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: let alone make finals again [5:25:36 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: i got luky a second time cause i had 2 very very close friends who i knew for 6 years [5:25:46 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: this time im alone with a big red target on my back [5:26:31 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: thats the jist. im loyal to those who help me. my allies make it to the end with me. I'm strong in comps and I will always have a big target [5:26:37 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: this big move of yours will paint a target on your back [5:26:48 PM] Chris "Fabio" Stoner: and i think it benefits you to have me in the game to keep that target me and you in the shadows

After tonight Imma just shut up for a while XD

Dora the explorer becoming my best friend? more likely then you think 

[survivorsolomonislands]

Episode 2 “#NewQueenInTown” - Lily

hey hoes so ill do my first impressions or w/e chrissa- kween! i was hoping she'd stay awhile but u know when someone wants to be elimed then u gotta! dana- idk ha!hevjkbev i dont remember a dana in any of these so! idk how she plays so yikes but i wouldnt be surprised if shes close w the other newer people lexo- im love her! im hoping we can do #that for callie tru matt- i played a game with him once and he voted me out so :/ but i think we can work well together tbh mitchell- hes malaysia and thats all i know, im not sure how he played in malaysia and lowkey the only times i ever interacted with him he kinda annoyed me gtg monty- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh i love monty, i know he will be one of my closest allies for sure! i cant wait to slay w him linus- hes from winnipeg and he seems sneaky to me and hes a newer school player so he could be close w the others ryan tiddie palmer - i love my dadt sdhvbdfv but also im a little wary of him bc i have a feeling he would love to vote me out but as of rn i need him so, we'll see zak- i voted him out in palau and thats all i got kjehfvbjr i didnt even kno they played a game before anyway hes also part of the potential new school alliance

also heres the vote tea, basically mine and lexis names were being thrown around and i was like??? we aint even do anything so then we started throwing zaks and linus name around. anyway me and mont were freaking out bc we needed 2 more people to get majority and vote zak and save me and lex, so we recruit chrissa and we make an alliance chat w ha. we call and talk about who we can pull in and such. so come the next mornin i start talkin to matt who said he was down for voting zak. honestly i trust matt he seems more trustworthy than other people plus i dont think he knows a lot of the tribe members tru so if i keep him close then my alliance should be good tru. anyway i talk to lexi to figure stuff out, and i talk to zakriah and basically tell him that im willing to vote lexi next round or w/e, mind u this is after chrissa anounces that she wants to be voted out, and well hopefully by telling him this i can gain his trust a little and get some tea from ha. also zak knows that me mont and lexi were targetting him??? honestly idk who couldve told him unless it was chrissa??? no one else shouldve known tru, anyway so i get the tea from that mitchell is the one who told him that he heard my name being thrown around and kjefbv like i dont wanna confrontational or anything but i went to mitchell and asked him about it and he was "like honestly it was like a grapevine thing tbh like nobody was like "...how bout karen" it was more of "i've heard Karen"" LIKE??????????????????????????????? REALLY BITCH THAT DONT ANSWER MY QUESTION. grapevine my ass, like thats what zak told me too, like !!!!!!!!! just tell me bc if u dont then im gonna assume that ur ass is the one started the whole "i heard" thing nnnnn anyway!!!! im just relieved that chrissa is asking to be voted out bc this couldve been way more stressful aaaaaahhhhh  honslee i was scared this was all a ploy to throw votes but i genuinely believe ha and i love chrissa too much to ever disrespect her wishes so :/ bye bye chrissa we hardly knew ye!

Not much has happened so far. We won the first challenge, which is awesome, and kinda gives me this fire to keep winning just so that we can keep beating the vets. It's kind of fun to be the underdogs (considering we all have much less experience than the vets) and to win. As long as we don't get a flash challenge, I'm not too worried about how well we do. Or at least, how well I do. I just don't want to be the person with the lowest score. Anyways, on day 2 or something Lily messages me and says we should be in an alliance, since we knew each other from a chat. So I said sure, and she gives me an idol clue she found! Holy shit! Lucky for her, I don't have any other alliances, otherwise I could so easily just play her. I don't have any plans to though - she seems very trusting and kind and I respect that. I just have to be careful it doesn't get me in trouble as long as we're aligned. So I go to search for the idol, with the clue she gave me in mind, and somehow end up finding the exact same clue she did. Hopefully we don't make the same mistake again next round.

https://youtu.be/hCcal7QtHWY

OMG okay so first off... Daisy comes to me saying she likes Jacob. Okay. Perfect. He's my ride or die anyways, so now we have a mutual ally we can lean on, and she says she wants to be in an alliance. Cool. Even better. Let's officialize this shit.

So Daisy makes the chat, and she says "alright Johnny and Jacob, let's add Willow and Luca" and I'm internally freaking out with Jacob on the side here, and Jacob and I are losing it in PMs and we're like "I think that wouldn't be the BEST idea, just because adding people late can make them think that they're going to be 4th and 5th" So Daisy is going to stick with us three being a f3.

Little does Daisy know that Willow wanted a four person alliance with me and Jacob already, and it didn't include Daisy, so it'll be easy for Willow to think she's on the in, and same for Daisy, which can be GREAT for later.

All I know is I'm going to have to do a little educating to Daisy on how to play this game, and making an alliance with three people and then adding two people LATE is no beuno sweetheart... Thank God Jacob and I prevented that one. At least we know we're in a core for now, and we can start picking off the weaker rookies............... or maybe we go after someone who looks like they can be smarter, and an independent player. Maybe Aro for example? Let's see what happens after immunity (giggle)

So after Chrissa announced she wanted to be voted out, Karen and I were able to talk to each other for the first time this game. I pushed that I didn't want to target her if it wasnt out of hate, and targeting each other based on lack of communication could be easily fixed - after all, what's better than an unlikely duo? I'm in two right now if I'm not being played: as far as I know Linus wants to work with me to get out Karen, and Mitchell also thinks that's what I want. However, I want me an ally in Karen, and Lexi or Mo's gotta go next.

Something terrible happened to me irl yesterday and Im in a bad headspace right now. I really dont feel like talking to anyone besides Luca and Johnny(whos actually pretty cool) so I cant wait to get to the swap. I tried connecting with Kaya a bit but she doesn't seem to like me very much. I have a terrible migraine and everything kinda sucks right now but I'll fight through it. I can't wait for the time when I eventually look back on this confessional and cringe at the angst lmao

I low-key hope I get taken out of this challenge early so I don’t have to sit around all night doing it, but the only way that’d be able to happen is everyone just went after me to start the challenge, and no one knows I’m good at live challenges except Chrissa, and she’s bye bye

Aw Dana assigned me to shoot my fuckbuddy aromal in the first round of the IC :( like the opposite of the hunger games up in here :(

This paintball challenge is so fucking FUN! Like, it's so cool to keep on my toes and constantly be dodging/shooting paintballs. It's like my own sort of little endurance challenge. I just have to be sure I don't miss any dodges... That's why I changed the conversation notification settings to notify me every time my name is said. :P But it's fun, anyway. And if I lose, I can blame my team and use the machete I got. >:3c

So... let's play catch up!

Chrissa got voted out unanimously like she ASKED TO. It sucked bc I liked Chrissa but she was a lil strategically problematic so... whatevs. BUT then Karen starts being like "oh would you have voted for me? where'd my name come from?" and being kind of aggressive about it so... that turned me off. Honestly yeah I would've voted your ass out, you ignored me and continue to do so lol, but after that? I'm set. I think my allegiance with Dana is solidified by my complaining to her about Karen, and honestly? I see her as my #2 in this game.

Matt, the other option for my #2, also tells me he's ready to make a move  against the Karen/Monty/Lexi coalition when we next go to Tribal Council. We're slaying this challenge so that won't be tonight, but when it does, Karen's ass is grass if I've got anything to say about it!!

Karen and Lexi still make minimal effort to talk with me. Pretty much nobody has been 1-on-1 talking with me throughout this whole 3-hour-long-so-far challenge which is also kind of ridiculous but??? What are you gonna do. I'm still sick so hopefully when I recover I'll start schmoozing like I usually do and stop oozing like I don't wanna do.

also fuk u mangrove swamp

RETWEET IF YOU ARE ON TEAM LA NEEDS TO GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.

This challenge is murdering me. 4.5 hrs left SO.

So, I quit during the paintball challenge. I was the last person left on my tribe and I just couldn't see myself pulling off a win, not against five people - I did manage to get one out on my own but it seemed very doubtful I could have gotten them all. I'm not sure how I feel about throwing it like that, I probably could have faked it and just posted a shoot at the 6 mark which might have been better for my game, cause I'm not sure how that will effect how the vets see me from this point on, or if my tribe finds out and gets mad at me for it, but Y'ALL SHOULD BE HAPPY I DIDN'T MAKE US SUFFER THROUGH ANOTHER FOUR HOURS OF THAT @ VETS. I hate giving up/losing but at the same time, this is only the second challenge of the game. If this has been an individual immunity challenge, damn right I would have stuck it out but it's still early on and I think this vote will be pretty straight forward. IF I manage to get voted out I'll feel so stupid for throwing it but as of right now I trust my alliance and feel safe. (famous last words)

So now Star wants to talk to me...... Tooo little too late bud. You've been talking to the least amount of people this whole game, you didn't even help with the immunity challenge, and now you're coming to me all worried about the vote? Sorry you're in this situation, but you made your own bed, and now you have to lay in it. 

On a different note, I was talking to Jacob, and we were thinking that two of us should throw our votes onto someone else, just in case of an idol play, but honestly, I don't wanna be that paranoid freak always worrying about an idol, but I also don't wanna a repeat of the last tumblr survivor I played in, where I got idol'd out of the game, so I'm trying to be careful. I might talk to Daisy about it, but I don't want to come off as paranoid, so it'll be an interesting talk if I choose to have it...

(Slightly later)

OMG LILY JUST TOLD ME SHE HAS THE IDOL I'M SCREAMING!! Now I don't have to worry about a fucking idol play. Not only that, but she tells me that I'm the only person in the game that knows about the idol, which is huge for me because it means that she trusts me the most, and this can be a relationship outside of Jacob, Daisy, Willow and Luca, so this is really good. I am going to focus on forming a broship with Aro too, just to have that connection, but I think that I'm starting to become very trusted in the tribe, which is good. 

I know my struggle is going to be when we switch tribes, and just hoping that the luck of the draw doesn't put me onto a tribe with bad numbers, but even if I do, I think I'll be able to charm my way out of it. The fact that I want to vote out most of these people, and they still continue to prove to me that they trust me the most is CRAZY, but Lily is definitely going to be a tool I'm going to utilize in the game for a long long time, and I hope she and her idol make it deep enough in the game to benefit me.

Sorry... rambling. My struggle now is whether or not to tell Jacob. I don't want to lose his trust later in the game by him finding out about this idol, and him knowing that I knew about it. I think I'm going to tell him about it later tonight, and I hope that he'll be thrilled, but he isn't even going to be back for day change... At least now I know that I don't have to worry about the idol, especially because I doubt there are more than one idols out there, from my specific tribe, so definitively, it's bye bye Star time :(

Jesus.... Karen and I survived that round.. In what world is that actually realistic? But we did and thankfully with little issues like messy thrown votes or Chrissa playing an idol on herself after misting us all. I was really nervous that it was all an actual trap because I have seen it happen before and boy is it terrifying but bless her heart for being true to us all.

The challenge was one that I have won before so I was not too nervous about the whole workings of the challenge but I was nervous about how long the challenge would go. I was so tired yesterday for some reason and I do not know if I could have lasted until 2 am with very little break. I would have tried my best of course so I could make sure Karen and I were safe but there is only so much a single person can do which L.A. ended up proving. The Veterans won the challenge THANK GOD and so we do not have to worry about one of us being voted out bless. Right now I would def consider Karen my final 2 because we do share the common homie of Callie and I do my best to trust Callie's judgement most of the time (the other times... I just can not defer from what god wants). My only issue is that Karen has a lot of friends on this tribe that I fear she might pick over me such as Monty and that makes me a bit scared of her but right now we sort of need each other in terms that we are both the most threatening ones on our tribe at the moment so if she gets rid of me, she does not have many people to hide behind and I have been known to be a very good meat shield for those that take advantage of it so here is to praying she is actually my final 2.

Okay I love my tribe now. Seriously though I was only disliking them because I was too mentally checked out to socialize. They're all really sweet people and omg it was all i could do to stop them from pronouncing Zaks name wrong lmao during the challenge. Even though I outta be pissed that more than half of us got eliminated for breaking simple rules, I loved that they were cheery about it.

For the vote ahead, it should be a smooth 9-1 against Star. He hasn't been too active thus far and everybody seems to be on board.

https://youtu.be/RpyYL7gVQEE

LAST ROUND VOTING: A SUMMARY We get back to camp after being beaten in the immunity challenge and things devolve into chaos. Mitchell starts whispering "Lexi" and then shouting "WHO SAID THAT! I HEARD YOU! lexi.... WHO WAS THAT!!!!" Lexi and RTP climbed into the shelter and started singing songs together, waiting for other people to join. Matt sat himself on a rock and just kinda sat there...waiting.... Zak was running around, talking to each and every person saying he heard something different to everyone, calling every guy Miss and every girl Qween. Karen was sitting trying to have sensible discussions, and Mitchell and Zak saw this and started freaking out. Mitchell kept his calm and kept whispering lexi... but Zak thought he said Karen and started freaking out. Meanwhile, I'm running around screaming at people that Zak is dead weight and Linus is a rat, but nobody is really listening to me. Meanwhile, Linus disappeared into the woods to maybe go try on some wigs or some shit, and Dana is off talking to anything that moves, with various degrees of success. In the middle of camp is Chrissa, just sitting. Me, Karen, Zak, and Mitchell are all screaming about who should go, and she silently raises her hand and says four words. "I. I will go." Everyone stopped and just kinda looked at her, and then started screaming. Not words, just incoherent noises, and that never stopped until Chrissa's torch was snuffed by Isaac

real confessional for this round: So, this has been a pretty chill round. As a tribe, our number one priority was winning immunity. I staying longer than a few people, until I had to go swim. I still need to talk to Dana, Lexi, and RTP this round to keep those connections alive, but other than that, my social game is less shitty than in the past! So, overall, this is not looking terrible for me!

IS DAISY FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? Daisy, girl, we spoke about this. Adding people to alliance chats can only cause problems. Making a brand new chat is the way that it has to be. I can't be closely tied with someone who is actually that oblivious to how this game goes. It's like telling someone that there's a three person alliance, and we just want them to be fourth on the ladder. THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS. Luckily for me, it's someone as ditzy as Lily is, and it's someone who doesn't really talk to a lot of people, and she's someone who has an idol, and now Daisy and I were both told by Lily, which is why Daisy added her.

One thing that Lily and Daisy aren't aware of is that Jacob knows about the idol too, and that's because I told him, so with Jacob in the loop, and me being the one who told me, is PRIME. I need to be the barrier of communication between all of them, and right now I think I'm doing a steady job. One thing I need to work on is my relationship with Allie and LA, because they're two SMART girls, who I haven't been spending much time talking to, so I might work on that later today, even though I've spoken briefly about the vote to both of them, I need MORE!

Well after the mess with Chrissa we were lucky enough to win, and I think the challenge was a good bonding experience for the tribe. Now I'm kind of in the middle right now I like my alliance a lot but I think I could work with Karen and Lex in the future so I'm nervous about alienating them and I'm like back and forth back and forth like a metronome or some dumb swingy shit. So lemme just cross my fingers we don't have to go to tribal, and that somebody I know will get this damn idol ay dios bio

We lost the immunity challenge earlier. I'm super disappointed but I doubt I'm in any trouble at tribal council. I kinda messed up by posting early, lost my head and this probably was a factor in our tribe losing. On their tribe, only three people messed up.

But challenge aside, I feel I'm pretty safe for the time being here. I like Jacob, Willow, LA, Johnny and Allie and I think I'm getting along with Aromal too. Really the only people who I haven't really been talking with are Star (who's getting evicted today), Daisy and Lily.

I should probably talk more with the other two. All that said, this game is phenomenal. You can never know if you're really safe.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I FOUND THE FUCKING IDOL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA But like... wow. I find the idol clue on my very first search, and then on my second search, I find the idol itself. When will your fave... #newqueenintown

We won! Updates game wise so I'm just utr1 instead of inv. 

1. Zak is still a self righteous prick, but he's also smart enough to just flat out target me rn, so idk. 

2. Matt is easy to talk game with, he's seeming a bit paranoid though. 

3. Dana and Ryan, still love em both. 

4. Mitchell is everyone's best friend, hillarious dude. That also sadly means he is the biggest threat in the game. Of course, right now I want to work with threats, but eventually he will be scary. 

5. Karen is still my target. 

6. Gotta try and make Lexi and Monty not flip at a swap. 

7. Linus is the best, he's probably the front runner to win right now.

Okay so I keep forgetting about confessionals oops. But I'm going to my first tribal council ever tonight and I'm a little nervous. I feel like this vote tonight should be pretty simple because everyone in the tribe wants to vote out Star, but I'm worried that he might have an idol or something since 9/10 people in our tribe looked for the idol yesterday. Also I'm still a little bit irritated at myself from the challenge yesterday because it said 7:05 on my computer when I pressed send but it was still 7:04 on the skype clock or whatever Idk

[survivorarabia]

EPISODE 8 “Pissy Omg That Is Me” - Issy

Ci’ere

“Recap: Nicole went rogue, two idols were played and one was flushed (thanks to yours truly), Alex is a cat with 9 lives, I lost an extremely loyal ally, and now both sides are evenly split 5-5. Ruthie and Nicole are way closer than I thought, a little too close for my liking. I’m pretty sure Nicole would never play an idol on me, she voted with the other side, and she tried to use the fake information I gave her to play an idol on someone she thought I was voting out. Hell to the naw.”

Aren

I'm honestly just really, really sick of being viewed as a goat in this game. Ya'know, returning after that damn Catastrosicily (Catastrophe + Sicily ya dumb schmuck), all I wanted to do in this damn game was redeem myself -- play a game to be proud of. But... But... *begins tearing up; sad Survivor music begins playing* nobody likes me!! AND NOBODY RESPECTS MY GAME! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! 

Lena

so i put all 500 on the sealed envelope because yeah. anyway so ruthie just said this in my alliance chat w/ herself myself and richie and alex: "I wonder if he is really 14, he could be a Survivor vet in disguise." about aren..... and i'm shook. I'M a survivor vet in disguise but how am i a vet when i got 6th and then got FIRST BOOT like honestly im a mess but somehow i made it to the jury?????? somehow. anyway its so hard to not tell anyone this but i'm literally going to the finale pre-party and after-parties of the s33 finale in los angeles last month and i just found out today?????? LIKE???????? LOOKS LIKE LENA IS GOING ON ANOTHER CAMPING TRIP HUH................................. jk i'm going to be going to a family reunion in another state. which state?IDK YET. but i'll get there.

Issy

It's beginning to seem like I've made alliances with a bunch of fucking idiots here Aren wants to flip, Emmott wants to flip, nobody seems fucking concerned that Khiana is only growing in strength & numbers at every passing tribal FUCK ME Aren just said he's going to flip & I fucking BET Emmott will too I think it's come time to break my alliance with them already, fuck If I flip, I'm absolutely on the bottom of a Khiana alliance, like fuck I know this game is changing and Jay is a threat but NOT RIGHT FUCKING NOW I JUST WANT ONE OF THEM GONE! ONE OF THEM! So they don't have fucking twice the numbers we do because we've been picking each other off! 

Ci’ere

“Alex’s arrogance is seeping wet in a ball of moistness since he just idol’d out Roxy and he is not trying to hide it at all. I wanna see him suffer in this game and for all of his allies to get voted out because he is being handed the win on a silver platter. I will avenge Roxy and her elimination will not be in vain if I have any say in it. I’m trying to keep my mouth shut though because I know that these people don’t like problematic.”

Issy

OKay that last confessional was a bit much but I'm so fucking done with this Aren, 10:12 pm Sorry, are you angry at me? askakskksa YES yes I am fucking angry, god damn it issy, 10:15 pm no lol it's fine Fuck me, fuck this, I want Alex and Ruthie out pronto or Alex is going to win this whole bloody thing, I'm calling it now I should never have voted out Shay, I should never have voted Roxy, I fucked up and I don't know how to fix this because it's starting to feel like I've very much already lost But POSITIVITY!! Am I right? <3 <3 <3 Fuck I'm so bitter today oops

Alex

wheee videos

Ruthie

I'm feeling really good about this stick I just spent $480, I HOPE THAT IT HAS MY NAME ON IT!  Also I'm hoping everyone else skips over the Mac and Cheese and I mean, I have no idea but I'm guessing everyone will be going for the covered items and the mystery stuff but hey look at that stick it looks like there might be a secret hole at the end.  I just really hope that Nicole, Alex, Lena, Richie and myself get by another week. <3 

Ci’ere

“I have an issue with Nicole’s comment about being lied to. I did lie to her and say that my side was planning to vote out Ruthie, but you weren’t voting with us so you shouldn’t be surprised that you were lied to. If someone tells you who they’re voting out and you idol that same person, do you really think you should be let in on the plan? Get it together gurl… This is why I don’t really see her as an ally to me anymore. I guess if anything went right last tribal council, it would be that Nicole’s idol was flushed and Alex played his which means there are less idols to worry about!”

Aren

Call me crazy. Call me wild. Call me stupid. Call me CHAOTIC AS ALL FUCK!!! But my name is Aren, and I'm here to flip this game on it's fat ass and create chaos and make huge fucking moves. That is why Jay is hopefully going to be going home at this next tribal-council. :) IssyFuck me, this game is falling to pieces Touchy subjects! My all time favourite challenge! (not) I'm mentally preparing myself to win all of the shitty ones because I'm sure Alex, Ruthie, Lena & co are still going to be bitter It's certainly going to be interesting, always good to find out what people really think of you Ugh I still can't believe Aren actually seriously wants to flip here, he fucking brought it up again I was good to just pretend it never happened in the first place I'm being so pissy lately, like I just went off at him which is never good gameplay & I'm pretty sure Emmott hates me too 'pissy' omg that is me

Ci’ere

“These people don’t know how to play Survivor and it’s really starting to frustrate me. Everyone is either too egotistical, conniving, or artificial and it’s just so blatant. The only person I would consider normal is Ruthie and I don’t even talk to her that much lmao. Note: Start talking to the other side and make sure you’re not their target.”

Ci’ere

“I believe that Aren slipped up earlier today and he inferred that he, Emmott and Issy are a tight trio. Which is funny because that would mean they’re keeping me out the loop, hmm. Aren said that he’s worried about Jay because apparently he’s been making final 3 chats with different combinations of people and smoked everyone in Tetris which all implies that he wants Jay out. This is funny because I realized Jay has become a threat too, but it’s too soon to turn on each other because it’s 5-5 and OG Fawz needs to stick together. We can take out Jay at a later time when we have the numbers.”

Jay

Okay, lets get caught up again. Not sure what I covered in my last one so this may overlap a bit. On Hazima tribe, I made a #BigMove. Alex and Lena were assuring me that I am safe and that Issy was the target. Issy was allied with some of my original Fawz allies as well, so saving her would be better than letting the other side keep an extra number. I used my idol and the vote was a split 2 Issy - 2 Alex. Because I used my Idol, I was not eligible for drawing rocks, so only Lena would be in danger from another tie. After it was revealed, I told Lena that I am voting for Alex and if she does not as well, then her game is over. Of course, she voted Alex. I felt bad really, he's a nice guy. But luckily for Alex, he had a godamn Phoenix idol that brought him right back into the game. A bit anticlimactic, but at least I nullified his Phoenix Idol and prevented him from bringing back another number on their side. The tribes merge and Alex comes back, shit. After the merge, I started an alliance with most of the original Fawz members, Me, Aren, Ci'ere, Kat, Roxy $ Issy, only Emmott had to be excluded, because of Roxy's mistrust of him. I still thought he could be a good ally, so I kept him close, but outside the alliance. Meanwhile: I'm still a part of the mostly-Khiana alliance 'Unnamed Icons', which I only joined to gather more intel and keep my people safe. Members: Nicole, Richie, Lena & Me. First immunity challenge is Tetris! YEESSS! THIS IS MY GAME! I love Tetris with a passion and I still have my original Gameboy Cartridge for it. I played for a couple hours and got what I hoped would be a respectable score. But apparently everyone else sucks at Tetris because I scored nearly double what 2nd place submitted. Looking at the numbers, the OG Fawz alliance should have this vote easily, and we decided to target Alex, but to tell everyone that we are targeting Ruthie instead. (To draw out any possible Idols and maybe split the vote further) This plan worked well, too well. Two idols were played, one on Ruthie and one on Alex. Well shit. The votes came out 5-7, so everyone I told to vote Alex followed through, but the rest flipped on me, I guess my connection to the Unnamed Icons has been severed. Because of the double Idol play, we lost Roxy. Sad to see her go, but I still had Emmott waiting in the wings. Nobody objected so I added him to the group. I'm sure he's not happy about being the last added, but I hope he'll realize that it was only because of Roxy. (I honestly did want him in to begin with) Surprisingly, Richie and I had a conversation, apparently he feels very much on the outs with his original Khiana people. (It seems like Alex, Lena, Ruthie & Nicole are all very tight) I told him that I didn't intend to betray him, I was just doing what I had to do to stay alive in the game and that I had ties to Fawz people from the beginning, so I was honoring my promises to them. He said he respects that and that he still wants to work with me. Awesome! If Richie was being honest, then that means we can easily control the votes and boot the remaining Khiana people, one by one. I told him that I would let him know how we are voting when the time comes, and that if he votes our way then I'll do what I can to bring him in to the alliance. Auction time! My plan was to bid decently high on two items that I want a lot, and then a lot of little bids in the hopes that I get something nobody else put any cash on. This worked out well, as I expected several people bid everything on one item and there were a few instances of more than one person bidding a large amount on the same item. I managed to score 3 great items! 1 Vote Nullifier 1 Extra Vote & 2 Idol Clues. These will definitely be handy later on...

Ruthie

So I'm waiting for the results COMPLETELY on edge because knowing Jay his lucky ass has also won individual immunity along with all his other goodies that he got at the auction.  If somehow Jay doesn't win I hope Alex does because I have a better chance at staying than he does, either way I'm terrified about the result and I hope Alex, Richie, Lena and myself figure out a way to pull out another win and keep the four of us solid.  I'm SO sad that Nicole exiled herself but I totally get why she did it, I just hate the entire situation, PLEASE Survivor Gods let one of us win individual immunity. <3 

Ci’ere

“I have not gotten anything from a freaking reward and I’m jmhnbv mnjhnbgv”

Lena

LMAO my drunk as shit answers, I don't remember any of that. anyway im playing pokemon moon so this game is cancelled for the next 36 hours while i die playing this game

Ci’ere

“Who would you trust with your life?

None of these snitches.”

Aren

Me @ the people that gave me really nawsty answers in Touchy Subjects: What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo. But fo' reals THESE FUCKERS don't know what the fUCK they're talking about because BOY am I giving them a fucking aSS SPANKING in this game rn like they need to beg their momma to save em at this point ArenSo, I might be sick as all fuck, but this does NOT mean that I've stopped playing the game. Hehehehe, I have a sneaky-sneaky plan! So, I still want Jay out, and I'm gonna make SURE he goes. Therefor... *rubs hands together* I'm gonna fabricate some friendly ole' conversations! FAKE CONVERSATION #1 - GOAL: MAKE ISSY VOTE FOR JAY. So, when Emmott and I have spoken enough, I'm gonna copy + paste our conversation to Issy but I'm gonna change our sentences to make it look like Emmott's now gunning for Jay. Issy, as she trusts me so damn much, is gonna believe me and is gonna get super paranoid and probably vote for Jay! That's already a 6-4 vote! But lets make this bad boy 7-3... FAKE CONVERSATION #2 - GOAL: MAKE EMMOTT ALSO VOTE FOR JAY. When Jay finally gets back to me and we get the opportunity to chat, I'm gonna also copy + paste our conversation to Emmott to make Emmott thing that Jay's gunning for him. Since Emmott's so fucking paranoid, he's gonna listen and want to vote Jay out with me. Splendid! Fucking splendid! A 7-3 blindside on Jay, MMM. 

Ci’ere

“The Touchy Subject results are revealed and it turns out that I was only answered twice out of 140 possible times. I’m not sure if I’m playing a strong under the radar game or if I’m just irrelevant, but it means that I’m not on anyone’s radar lmao. I wasn’t even answered for any of the negative ones either, I’m here for this yas chile~”

Aren

[13:00:56] Jay: Yo [13:01:01] Aren: Sup man! [13:01:11] Jay: Hey, what's up? [13:01:19] Aren: Not much!! Just chilling, playing Counter-Strike haha. You? [13:01:24] Jay: I'm just relaxing, just finished eating takeaway and watching a movie with my wife. I've played that game too a few times it's pretty good [13:01:27] Aren: Yeah man lol definitely [13:02:04] Jay: So, this is what I wanted to message you about. I havent asked anyone about this yet so I just want to consult you before I try to actually make a big flip. I know that we're planning to gun for Lena, but I honestly want to flip the vote to Emott. I understand that you might be against this but he's a complete middle man and I feel like he could be playing both sides which is super dangerous. I just wanted to get your input honestly [13:02:12] Aren: Wowah [13:02:29] Aren: I dunno honestly, I think it might be a better idea just to stick with our original plan for now?? [13:02:37] Jay: I'd honestly just rather get Emmott out but I understand. [13:03:02] Aren: I mean I dunno dude I'm pretty sure he's with us [13:03:17] Jay: Alright, well, perhaps we could take Lena out now and do Emmott later?? I just don't want to let him make it further than, like, the final eight honestly. He's a very dangerous player. [13:03:26] Aren: Alright man, I understand. I'll think about it, okay? [13:03:17] Jay: (y) ... And this fake conversation built upon Aren's anvil of prickiness is going straight into Emmott's inbox! Oops! Time to switch this vote the fuck up and send Jay the fuck home!!!

Ci’ere

“Kat, whom I forgot was still in the game, was medevac’d and no offense but I knew she would just be a waste of a spot for someone that would have actually played the game. It really sucks because she seems cool and she was a number for my side s m h.”

Richie

this game is a mess!!!!!!!  i've been talking to everyone on the fawz tribe like im a fucking IDIOT lmao i'm literally acting like i'm the most pathetic baby deer clueless to whats going on just looking for someone to trust bc im so alone and i just want to be given a chance to play this game :( :( :( :( and its working out for me now because i have the family alliance with alex/lena/ruthie but the fawz people see them a threesome and i keep playing it up that i'm on the outside of that group and i'm going to all the fawz ppl just putting my fragile little heart in their hands hoping for some sort of strain of trust and hope <3 in the long run this could be harmful because people might see me doing this and think that i was actually a useless floater but like i'm getting tea from everyone i'm just taking notes and making connections... also i have alex ruthie and lena who are going to get taken out before me like if i start trying to make BIG MOVES right now then my name gets moved to the top of that list so its just not smart for me to put myself out there yknooooooowwww?! but whatevz i can deal with all that later for now this vote is looking to be another "fun" one... jay told me to vote ruthie, aren told me that jay is lying to me and that he wants me to vote for ruthie while the rest of them vote lena so its a 5-3-1 with me as the 1, aren wants to blinside jay which IM ALL FOR THAT MF CAN GOOOOOO but he won three (3) things in the auction which fucking terrrrrrrifies me so im hesitant to try and blindside him right now but i'm not in a position where i can take the reins on this vote bc if i start causing chaos the original fawz alliance can decide to come together and vote me out 5-4 so for this vote i need to try my best to suppress my  need to be in control at all times, shut up, go with this plan, and hope for the best because if it works GREAT jay's gone and if it doesn't then lena or ruthie go WHICH SUCKS but im still in the game and the khiana numbers wouldnt be intimidating to the fawz people anymore so they would be more likely to want to make a move next week..... UGHHHHHHH I JUST WANT TO BE IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING I HATE THAT IM IN THIS POSITION WHERE I HAVE TO SHUT UP AND PRETEND IM WEAK AND STUPID I JUST WANT TO BE CHAOTIC EVILLLLLLLL :( :( :(

Alex

I WON IMMUNITY, SUCKERS, TAKE THAT I KNEW THAT MACARONI AND CHEESE WOULD PAY OFF! So this round has just been....a rollercoaster of emotions.  First, at the auction, Jay wins a whole bunch of shit, and Nicole pops off to Exile.  First of all, fuck you Nicole, we NEEDED you this round.  But second of all, that puts us down 6-4, and that blows.  Now my brilliant “lie to everybody” plan doesn't work and we're p. fucked. But then, Immunity comes around, and not only do I win (again: heck yes!) but Kat is bounced out of the game.  Presumably, she was DEVASTATED by the loss of her only ally, Julia, that she got sick and died.  So now, lucky us, the numbers are back on our side! Except of course they're not, because, as we must remember, Aren and Emmott are liars, proven liars.  Fuck them so hard. Anyway.  Theoretically, we have Aren's vote against Jay (which we do not), and equally theoretically, Aren's fake chatlog of Jay wanting to take Emmott out has convinced Emmott to vote for Jay as well (it did not).  And all this has theoretically made Issy realize that it's a done deal, and she's gonna vote Jay too (she will not). So, in theory, we have the votes to take out Jay, or to do my initial plan of removing Ci'ere while telling everyone to vote Jay (we do not, and we will not).  But the thing is that on top of all these liars supposedly telling us the truth (they are not), I've checked, and there's no way that the chatlogs Aren's sent me were anything but fake.  The timestamps don't come out like that in a real chatlog unless he's running Linux or something.  So, in short, we're pretty fucked this tribal. Do I need to tell the rest of the group this?  No, of course not.  They don't need to know how hopeless it is, and considering I have Immunity and thus am not on the chopping block, I'm tryna shut up and let them decide what plan they wanna run. But anyway, we're fucked this tribal, what fun.

Ci’ere

“I mention that Ruthie was voted ‘Most Trustworthy & Most Heroic’ so she’s a threat and maybe we should target her. Everyone in my alliance immediately shoots down that idea and they’re seriously against it. They would rather go after Lena who was voted ‘Most Needs a Wake Up Call & Never Talk to Again’ like...WHAT?? Ruthie has made solid bonds and my own alliance proved that themselves. At this point, alliances are probably shifting and things are actually starting to get kind of blurred.”

Ruthie

So, tribal is in an hour and I'm not as nervous 

as I was last week and I'm coming to the terms that I'm going to be the one going home.  I'm so glad to have made it to jury, and I really hope that Alex, Lena and Richie work with Nicole next time and that they send one of the others to jury next!  Emmott and Aren are such snakes for doing what they are going to do, and I don't trust them AT ALL.  I would rather them go than Jay go at this point, everything is such a mess and I wonder who is telling the truth and who isn't and being on the bottom sure does suck.   If I am the one that goes I am excited about my speech, mayyyyybe that willl cause a bit of chaos and it'll get the others someone new to work with. 

Alex

I have NO IDEA what is about to happen here I think the craziest thing that could happen would be for our plan to go off without a hitch, really.