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wherestarsfallaway · 1 year

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I feel like this is a scary place. It holds some of my deepest hurtful memories. Memories of anger and spite. Memories of loneliness and sadness. It holds everything I wish to forget. Yet why do i find rereading my horrible thoughts so comforting?

Is it because I’m so goddamn alone that reading someones darkness… even if its my own.. feels comforting. Because someone out there is feeling that darkness too. Except. Its all just me anyway. Sometimes i feel like I come back here because I can look at these memories and think wow but I dont feel like that any more… so ive healed and grown.

Sometimes… I come back here to read all my thoughts about being hurt. And literally validate myself. Reread those thoughts and think ok. Well. She documented this years ago. So it mustve actually happened. Instead gas lighting away my own hurt. And chalking it up to nothing because thats easier

Today is the 20th.. well 21st now of December. In a few short days itll be christmas time and ill be back at my parents. I typed home first. But… i just really cant consider that true.

It hurts me so so much that I can’t truly love my family. It just does. I have this fantasy that I go on a podcast and I admit all the trauma I grew up with and people comment on that video that they understand and thank me for my vulnerability. What the therapist in me says that means is, i just want to be asked how Im actually doing and feeling for once without lying. And then get the chance to vent my true feelings. And then be thanked for being honest and vulnerable because I never got that experience growing up.

Its so complicated. There are months even that we are fine. Months where i think life is okay. Months where i finally feel like ive moved on and learned to get over all this bullshit. But that isnt true. And i fucking know it. Because the smallest randomest things will trigger me and I realize I havent healed at all. Im just hoping that the passage of time will dull the pain. But it wont. At least not fast enough for me.

I want to elope. And thats mainly because I feel like the only people who truly made me safe deserve to be there on my biggest most special day. And that person happens to be the person im actually marrying. And literally no one else. Why should I pay for people who didnt do the absolute bare minimum to celebrate my day? What did you do to earn the plate of my dinner because this isnt some fucking charity event.

I just saw someone say if youre considering ending it all because you think your family will be better off, dont because it isnt true. Yeah. I sometimes feel that. Ive felt both. Ive felt that sheer loneliness so deep and bitter that i think my family will be better off without me. But other days I know it would ruin them and that makes me happier because I actually wanna end it all out of sheer spite. Can you believe that. Sometimes. I was so angry at it all. Angry at the facade everyone else seemed to believe about us being the perfect family, that i wanted to die just so people would have to attend my funeral and realize what a shitshow it all was. Can you imagine how much fucking pain you have to put someone through for that to literally be their dying wish.

I’ve been paying rent on my own for months now. Which. At some level I understand. Im grown. But im literaly addicted to living here on my own because im terrified now of ruining the one space that makes me happy. If i have to hold my breath any longer Ill just pass away. I cant stand to compromise any more because I’ve just done this shit for too fucking long. I dont wanna hold my breath and tiptoe around my own house. I wanna relax and feel something other than anxiety in the space thats supposed to be my home. But im also exhausted. I finished my final two days ago but I’ve already worked so many hours. Ive been falling asleep midday because Im so emotionally exhausted. I just cant.

And meanwhile my family is fucking partying in las vegas. That shit builds so much resentment in me. I dont have to explain it. You know it. You understand. You dont wanna feel the betrayal anymore of knowing you were going thru a crisis just as deep and bad as your sister. But you just shut your mouth better about it. And nobody ever apologized for what they put you through. So you dont ever get closure.

At this point im so tired and sad I cant even continue this letter. Even though i have so much I want to get off my chest. My head hurts. My head hurts so bad from staring at a screen for 9 hours.

I have the sinking feeling this xmas season… sigh. I dont want to manifest it. But I wish I didnt have to go. I wish I could spend that week here. I’m tired. I barely have the strength to do anything anymore. And now Ill have to spend this break pretending. I wish I didnt want their approval so much. And i wish I could just let them go and live the life i truly want to live. Im tired.

Sometimes I fantasize about moving somewhere in secret. Turning off my location. And just vanishing. So i would have no more obligations.

But i never get what i want.. so heres to more hopeless dreams

Gnight

#selftalk

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verymuchimmortalcat · 3 years

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Maribat March Day 4: Internet Friends

ao3

@maribatmarch-2k21

Marinette looked up from her phone as she heard a notification go off on her laptop. She had just finished posting the pictures from the photo shoot for her first official line. After years of making items for mainly Jagged Stone and Clara Nightingale, she had released her first line under the pseudonym of MDC at the age of 17, a year after Hawkmoth’s defeat. One message from Arrow Girl, it was a message from Cissie, which given that she had just released a new line wasn’t that surprising it just meant that Cissie had stayed up past midnight again. It should be around 3 am for her right now. Opening the message, she laughs.

Arrow Girl: HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW MDC LINE, M????????

ITS SOOO PRETTY

WHO AM I KIDDING YOU LIVE IN PARIS AND WANNA BE A DESIGNER YOU’VE DEFINITELY SEEN IT ALREADY

So, yeah Cissie didn’t know she was MDC and sue her, Marinette found it funny how Cissie ranted about her designs to her. It’s not like Cissie didn’t laugh when Marinette obsessed over the costumes on TV and the people wearing them.

Designs&Coffee: Ya, I did

Which one’s your favourite piece?

Arrow Girl: The second one

It’s a master piece

Designs&Coffee: I love that one the most too!!!!!

That was true, the only thing Cissie didn’t know was that she designed that piece.

“Marinette, Adrien’s here,” her mother called suddenly.

“Coming Maman,” she replied.

Designs&Coffee: I’ve got to go, my mom’s calling

Talk later. You should sleep.

Arrow Girl: Says the girl with Coffee in her username

Bye.

Closing her laptop, Marinette headed downstairs, grabbing the Black Cat miraculous on her way. Adrien visited from London once a month but he had left behind his miraculous saying that he’d rather put it all behind with everything his father did. But both him and Plagg missed each other so Plagg came along on their monthly visits. Marinette still wore her earrings and Tikki went with her everywhere but she was more of a pocket best friend at this point then a pocket goddess who gave her the ability to become a superhero. Both Cat Noir and Ladybug had retired after Hawkmoth, they dealt with a miraculous threat and if another arose, they’d be there to help, but for right now the two of them were focusing on their goals and dreams outside superheroing. That was actually how she had ended up talking to Cissie, some random person had started questioning young heroes retiring online, and Cissie and Marinette had both jumped to the defence and they had just continued talking. That had been about six months ago. Now, they spoke almost every day.

Marinette hugged Adrien as soon as she saw him, calling out a bye to her parents she dragged him out of the bakery and they headed to the park. They had a few hours to catch up before they had to meet Alya and Nino.

.oOo.

A week or so later, Cissie was stuck in the makeup chair when she heard the notification that she had set for M’s messages go off.

Designs&Coffee: DID YOU KNOW THERE’S A NEW CISSIE KING-JONES MOVIE COMING OUT IN A FEW MONTHS.

IM SO FREAKING EXCITED

Arrow Girl: I could tell.

Designs&Coffee: I feel like you should be more excited.

ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING ACTRESSESS WHO SHARES A NAME WITH YOU IS STARRING IN A MOVIE

Sometimes, Cissie wondered how M didn’t figure it out. Her username was Arrow girl, she knew her first name was Cissie and M knew that she was working in the movie industry. But then M treated her like a normal human being and not like those other fans and Cissie really didn’t want that to change that at first, she knew now that she would not treat her differently but Cissie had no idea how to go about telling her that I’m the actress you fangirl about.

However, before she could reply to M she was called so they could start shooting. Telling her that she had to go, she’d talk later and that she should take her own advice about sleep, she rushes out onto set.

.oOo.

A few months later, Cissie’s agent gets her an audition for a period drama set in the 1800s when women walked around with corsets and large skirts and Cissie for some reason agreed to audition. So, she auditioned and got the part. The first week on set was just them going over the beginning measurements for the costumes and other things like that. When she asked the director, who was going to be designing the costumes, he said that it was a rather high-profile designer who would be arriving in L.A. next week. That confused Cissie, this movie wasn’t that much of a big deal that they got a high-profile designer. She decided to ask the assistant director who seemed to be a boy around her age, so maybe seventeen or eighteen, who seemed to be always wearing a cap and headphones.

She went ahead and introduced herself to him, holding out her hand and saying, “Hi! I’m Cissie King-Jones.”

He laughed and shook her hand, “I know dudette, you’re the star in the movie. I’m Nino Lahiffe.”

He had an accent she thought was French but she wasn’t quite sure. “I was wondering about the designer, the director said it was a high-profile designer and that they would be arriving next week-“

“And then he asked you to talk to me?” he asked with a smile.

“No? Should he have?”

He chuckled, “The designer is one of my best friends, we’ve been friends since we were about five. She wanted to work on something different and when I suggested this she agreed immediately. Honestly, I think she only agreed because you’re on this movie but who knows with her.”

“Well then, I look forward to meeting her.”

.oOo.

Marinette had arrived in L.A. the day before and was now headed to set with Nino. She was nearly shaking with excitement; she was going to meet the Cissie King-Jones. Nino was laughing at her excitement, “you’re being mean,” she said.

“And you’re acting like a little child, when all of us know when you actually meet her, you’ll be too busy in your designing mode to actually say anything to her, so I took the liberty to do so for you.”

“You did what?” she screeched, earning weird looks from people around them.

“I told her that her being in the movie was probably the actual reason you agreed to work on it. Which is undeniably the truth. Feel free to thank me later.”

“I’m never going to thank you. She probably thinks I’m some crazy fan now.”

“You need to stop catastrophising, Mari. It’ll all be fine in the end.”

“Why am I friends with you?”

“We’ve been friends for too long and now you no longer know how to survive without me.”

She snorted at that, “keep telling yourself that, Nino. Keep telling yourself that.”

.oOo.

Cissie was talking to one of the other members in the cast, when she saw Nino walk in with a petite girl, with shoulder length black hair and blue eyes, who was carrying a few sketch books and a bag that looked really heavy to be carried by someone that small.

When the makeup artist told her she was done, Cissie headed in the direction of Nino and who was probably the designer. Joining the two of them, she held her hand out to the designer, “you must be the designer, I’m Cissie King-Jones.”

“Hi, it’s wonderful to meet you. I’m Marinette Dupain-Cheng.”

Cissie definitely didn’t know that name, her confusion must’ve been clear on her face because Marinette laughed, “I don’t go by that in the fashion industry, I’m MDC.”

Cissie took a bit to process that bit of information, she was meeting one of her favourite designers ever who was apparently a fan of hers. She was in heaven, she had to be.

“I love your work. Your new line was breath taking. I loved the second piece the most, the colours and design were amazing,” she blurted out, before she could think clearly.

Marinette just laughed, a clear sounding laugh, and said, “Thank you, I’m really glad to hear that. The second piece on the line happens to be my favourite too. And I think your work is amazing too.”

Cissie smiled, “Thank you.”

And then they proceeded to talk while Marinette showed her the designs and ideas she had.

.oOo.

Marinette and Nino returned to the hotel late in the evening and were hanging out in his room.

“I told you that you need to stop catastrophising and everything turned out fine.”

“Why yes, thank you Nino,” she drawled sarcastically.

“I thought you were never going to thank me?”

“Sarcasm, my dear friend. Sarcasm.”

“So, you were being sarcastic when you said you would never thank me ‘cause it sure didn’t sound like it.”

Throwing a pillow at his face and calling out a Good night Marinette ran to her room. She opened her laptop to check if she had missed any messages. There were 10 messages from Arrow Girl. Opening their chat Marinette wondered what Cissie had sent. What she saw left her feeling shocked and incredibly stupid. In hindsight it was extremely obvious but then again she didn’t know Adrien was Cat Noir until he detransformed in front of her.

Arrow Girl: M!!!!!!!!!!!

I MET MDC TODAY AND MADE A COMPLETE FOOL OF MYSELF

SHE’S DOING THE COSTUMES IN THE NEW MOVIE IM DOING

AND LIKE HER FRIEND TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT SHE LIKES MY WORK

AND THAT WAS PROBABLY WHY SHE HAD AGREED TO WORK ON THIS PROJECT

AND THEN I GO UP TO HER AND INTRODUCE MYSELF AND SHE INTRODUCES HERSELF WITH HER REAL NAME AND I MUSTVE HAD A BLANK EXPRESSION CUZ THEN SHE SAID I GO BY MDC

AND THEN I BLANKED OUT

AND IF THAT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH I BLURTED OUT I LOVE YOUR WORK YOUR NEW LINE WAS BREATH TAKING AND I LOVED THE SECOND PIECE THE MOST AND THAT THE COLOURS AND DESIGNS WERE AMAZING

AND THEN SHE WAS SO SWEET AND NICE TO ME AND THANKED ME AND SAID THE SECOND PIECE WAS HER FAVOURITE TOO AND THAT SHE THOUGHT MY WORK WAS AMAZING

M!!!!!!! ANSWER ME PLEASE IM DYING OF HUMILIATION.

She thought about her reply for about a minute and the sent it off.

Designs&Coffee: I’m sure she didn’t think you were awkward.

She was probably concentrating more on the fact that she was talking to CISSIE KING-JONES

Her response was instantaneous.

Arrow Girl: How can you be so sure?

Also how did you finally figure out that I’m that Cissie

Designs&Coffee: I’m so sure because I’m that M

As in the M in MDC. Also how I figured you were that Cissie

Hi again! I’m Marinette. I’m 17 and sorta run a fashion empire

Arrow Girl: Cissie King-Jones. I’m seventeen too and currently an actress.

Marinette breathed a sigh of relief, she was worried that this might’ve ended badly

Arrow Girl: Wanna actually hang out tomorrow?

Designs&Coffee: sure!

.oOo.

Cissie woke up two mornings later to nearly a hundred notifications on her phone. About twenty of the notifications were from news channels, which was strange she was supposed to get those only when her name was mentioned in an article and 20 articles in a day were strange. There were another fifty from Bart, which happened occasionally. Ten each from Cassie and Marinette. And a few messages each from Tim, Kon, Greta and Anita.

Checking the news articles first because they would probably give some insight on the dozens of messages, she saw that someone had seen her out with Marinette yesterday and taken a photo which the tabloids had eaten up like starved wolves.

Bart had clearly lost patience fast, his messages were getting more and more pleading as she scrolled through all fifty. Laughing she told him that she had just woken up and would answer all his questions, and she and Marinette weren’t together it was just a misunderstanding, like the one Tim deals with all the time. Kon, Anita and Greta used to the several articles that came with Tim had picked out articles that had the most ridiculous theories and had sent it to her. Cassie had done the same along with several other questions. Choosing to answer Cassie first, she calls Cassie and spends nearly an hour talking to her even though it took Cissie only five minutes to explain the whole tabloid mess. Tim had sent a message saying “welcome to the world where if you’re seen outside your house with someone, everyone is going to believe you’re in a relationship.” Cissie just responded with a laughing face emoji.

Marinette had apologised for her friends’ behaviour, strange as that was. Saying that if she gets e-mails from Adrien Agreste, Luka Couffaine, Alya Césaire or Kagami Tsurugi it would be best to ignore them. They were just over protective and annoying. Cissie pointedly ignored how Marinette had casually brought up four very prominent people in the world. Apparently Marinette’s friends not used to the whole invasiveness of paparazzi had decided to deliver Cissie a shovel talk over e-mail before Marinette could clear up the confusion with her friends. She had also added that they were supposed to apologise and to please tell her if they didn’t.

And that was when she remembered her own friends’ highly similar behaviour and sent a text in the Young Justice group chat that she’d use them as moving target practice if they decide to induct her into their group with threats, and then sent another message to Tim to stop whatever extensive background check he was doing. She groaned as she got a smiley face in reply. Then the notification she had set for Marinette went off.

Designs&Coffee: I’ve been meaning to ask you about why you had all the points you had for young heroes retiring???? so, uh, why did you?

Groaning she flopped back onto the bed, this was going to be one hell of a day.

So my thoughts on how it would go ahead:

Marinette and Cissie meet up to talk about her text but Cissie doesn't really tell her about Arrowette. She changes the topic, after all Marinette was also ready with several points on the same topic. Maybe they eventually tell each other maybe they don't, i don't exactly know.

Marinette's friends calm down pretty soon after, Alya takes some more time but eventually calms down too.

When Cissie says, 'Marinette had casually brought up four very prominent people in the world', Its because at this point Adrien's run as a model still hasn't died out with it being only a year after Hawkmoth's defeat. Kagami is a world famous fencer, Luka joins Jagged Stone on tour and becomes pretty famous too and Alya listened to Marinette, (It ends up being Marinette and Adrien after the reveal who get through to her), she ends up making a name for herself in the year after Hawmoth's defeat, though her work still focuses around heroes/vigilantes which is why Cissie knows her, she's not really that prominent outside France.

Sometime after Cissie finishes talking to Cassie and sees Marinette's text Bart shows up demanding answers. They don't actually know it's Marinette, as in they don't know her name. Marinette Dupain-Cheng isn't really well known, MDC is, and no one knows who MDC is. Tim would probably do a facial recognition scan find out who she is and continue on with his extensive background check and probably figures out she's MDC somewhere along the way. Traya asks about Marinette the next time she sees Cissie

#maribatmarch2021 #ml x dc #maribat #but not really #none of the batfam are actually there #tim's mentioned tho #my writing

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jackalopefreckles · 3 years

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I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

#TIRED #happy covid anniversary #time to post this without reading it lmao #long post #rambles

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marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer · 6 years

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MTVS Epic Rewatch #208

Don’t forget to vote on the season 7 polls!!

BTVS 7x21 End of Days

Stray thoughts

1) So this is how Faith is doing as the leader…

…and this is how Buffy is doing as the outcast Slayer…

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I wonder who’s the boss… (maybe we should ask Abed.)

2) I don’t like seeing Faith hurt, but I do get a very sick (I admit it) satisfaction at seeing all these girls hurt and scared because they kicked Buffy out and they screwed everything up in the worst possible fashion. I know that by having Faith lead them into yet another trap the writers were trying to prove the point that what happened at the vineyard could’ve happened to anyone and that it wasn’t Buffy’s fault (Buffy will make this same point herself later on the episode.) Both Buffy and Faith were trying to do what they thought was best, yet it backfired. Shit happens yada yada yada. Yet I just can’t help but feel personally vindicated when I see Faith and the potentials fuck everything up so spectacularly.

On the other hand, not only was Buffy able to pull herself together after the group (and her friends! Her family!) kicked her out and made her feel like the worst piece of shit in the whole world, but she also managed to A) get the scythe and B) make Caleb nervous, which was a first. So yeah. #teamBuffy

3) So why exactly were the Scoobies looking for Buffy? I mean, didn’t they kick her out literally the day before? And now they’re suddenly worried about her or something? The only person who followed Buffy after they all kicked her out was Faith. Faith! Do you see how wrong/ironic that this? Do you see how painful it must’ve been for Buffy not to have NONE OF HER FRIENDS – not Xander, not Willow, not Giles, not even her own sister! – go after her to see if she was okay? To ask her where she was going or what she was going to do? The only person who showed any concern whatsoever about her was probably the only person she would’ve labeled a potential enemy.

Damn you all, I’m still pissed off. I hate this. I hate having to feel this way about the characters I’ve loved for seven seasons in the FINAL EPISODES OF THE SHOW. It just feels so wrong, but I can’t help but HATE THEM. What the hell was this fucking writing choice? I hate it. I hate everything about it.

4) If I have to say something in favor of Kennedy is this, when shit hit the fan, she was the only one who wasn’t screaming like a moron and who was actually trying to fight off the Turok-Han. So yeah. The girl got spunk.

5) But she’s nothing compared to our designated BAMF.

6) No one is kicking Buffy out now, HUH? HUH???????????????????

Yes. Yes, you did.

8) And this is exactly why they shouldn’t have kicked her out or “rebelled” against her or whatever the fuck they thought they were doing.

BUFFY You guys, it was a trap. It's not her fault. That could've just as easily happened to me.

9) While I do appreciate the pun and the side glances between Buffy and Willow…

I still feel it’s very wrong they’re all just talking and Giles is playing around with the scythe as if the last time they’d been together they HADN’T HUMILIATED BUFFY AND KICKED HER OUT OF HER OWN FUCKING HOUSE???? LIKE SERIOUSLY??? In Willow’s own words, you're not gonna jokey-rhyme your way out of this one.

Like, I know the apocalypse takes precedence, but maybe say “sorry for kicking you out” and “thank you for saving us AGAIN”.

10)

11) Again, I get the same feeling with Xander. Like, did they all suddenly forget they had left Buffy alone and kicked her out of her own house? Xander is all like, “I don’t need you to protect me just because I lost an eye” but literally a day before he was telling her it was HER fault he’d lost it, and using that as a justification not only for removing her from her role as a leader but also TO KICK HER OUT OF HER OWN HOUSE. And now it’s just like nothing ever happened? How is that possible? How is literally no one apologizing to Buffy? And not only is he not apologizing, but Buffy is telling him that he’s her heart and the reason she’s still alive, which okay, it’s all kind of true, but he’s also the guy WHO BLAMED YOU FOR LOSING HIS EYE AND WHO KICKED YOU OUT OF YOUR OWN HOUSE THE DAY BEFORE?!

I didn’t know that End of Days could make me as angry as Empty Places but here I am.

We’re 14 minutes into the episode and still, no one has apologized to Buffy and they’re all pretending like they didn’t turn their backs on her and it’s pissing me off. I hate feeling this way in the episode prior to the series finale. This is not how a fan should be feeling right before the show ends!

12) Not only do I know what a glottal stop is but I’ve also learned how to pronounce it. Or at least I was able to pronounce it a few years ago.

13) And hence the fate of Miss Kitty Fantastico was finally revealed…

DAWN Xander, my crossbow is not out here. I told you, I don't leave crossbows around all willy-nilly. Not since that time with Miss Kitty Fantastico.

If you must hate Dawn, it should only be for this.

14) Did anyone really believe Xander would hurt Dawn?

15) What was the point of this scene…?

…I mean, other than to give us Nathan Fillion’s orgasm face?

16) And this is the difference between Buffy and the rest… just remember how everyone reacted and treated Buffy after the vineyard, and see how she acts here after literally the same happened with Faith in charge…

FAITH What do you want me to say? I blew it.

BUFFY You didn't blow it.

FAITH Tell that to—

BUFFY People die. You lead them into battle, they're gonna die. It doesn't matter how ready you are or how smart you are. War is about death. Needless, stupid death.

She’s understanding and reassuring, she’s not pointing fingers or kicking people out. And that’s why she’s a hero and the rest are a fucking bunch of morons. I’m sorry, I’m still so angry about Empty Places and this episode is not making things any better.

17) But I do love when my two slayers see eye to eye…

FAITH So, here's the laugh riot. My whole life I've been a loner.(…) No ties, no buddies, no relationships that lasted longer than... (…) Me, by myself all the time. I'm looking at you, everything you have, and, I don't know, jealous. Then there I am. Everybody's looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I've never felt so alone in my entire life.

BUFFY Yeah.

FAITH And that's you every day, isn't it?

BUFFY I love my friends. I'm very grateful for them. But that's the price. Being a slayer.

FAITH There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together.

BUFFY Also, you went evil and were killing people.

FAITH Good point. Also a factor.

BUFFY But you're right. I mean, I... I guess everyone's alone. But being a slayer? There's a burden we can't share.

FAITH And no one else can feel it. Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.

BUFFY Takes the edge off.

FAITH Comforting.

BUFFY Mm-hmm.

This is something that had been a long time coming. Since day one, Faith had envied Buffy. Just like Buffy saw in Faith her road not taken, Faith saw in Buffy the life she could’ve had but didn’t. She envied it and she wanted it for herself. She literally tried to steal it away several times. So if she couldn’t have it, if it wasn’t meant for her, then she could take Buffy away from it, drive her to the dark side, where she lived. Every attempt was futile, even stealing Buffy’s body and literally taking her life. It only made her feel more undeserving, more inadequate, more unworthy. But every time she’d taken a shot at being the leader, it was by playing tricks, by taking what it wasn’t rightfully hers. This time around, she had somehow earned it. There was no foul play on her part. Others made the decision for her and gave her the role she’d craved for so long. And she finally understood that it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Yes, Buffy did have friends and people who looked up to her and cared about her. But when push comes to shove, when tough calls must be made, the Slayer is always alone. The weight of the world is only on her shoulders, and she can’t share the burden. It took four seasons but Faith finally got it. And she could finally let go of all the envy and jealousy.

18) I just love the fact that for the first time Buffy is the one who opens up to Spike. She’s always been the one who pretends there’s nothing between them and who skirts around her feelings and dismisses his. But not this time. And for me, it was enough that she acknowledged that it meant something, even if they – and we – don’t know exactly what that was.

BUFFY You're a dope.

SPIKE I'm a what?

BUFFY You're a dope. And a bonehead. And you're shirty.

SPIKE Have you gone completely carrot-top?

BUFFY Do you see this? This may actually help me fight my war. This might be the key to everything. And the reason I'm holding it is because of you. Because of the strength that you gave me last night. Look, I am tired of defensiveness and weird, mixed signals. You know, I have Faith for that. Let's just get to the truth here, OK? I don't know how you felt about last night, but I will not—

SPIKE Terrified.

BUFFY Of what?

SPIKE Last night was... God, I'm such a jerk. I can't do this.

BUFFY Spike...

SPIKE It was the best night of my life. If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that, 'cause I couldn't bear it. It may not mean that much to you, but—

BUFFY I just told you it did.

SPIKE Yeah... I hear you say it, but... I've lived for soddin' ever, Buffy. I've done everything. Done things with you I can't spell, but... I've never... been close... to anyone. Least of all, you. 'Til last night. All I did was... hold you, watch you sleep. And it was the best night of my life. So, yeah... I'm... terrified.

BUFFY You don't have to be.

SPIKE Were you there with me?

BUFFY I was.

SPIKE What does that mean?

BUFFY I don't know. Does it have to mean something?

SPIKE No. Not right now.

19) Update: 29 minutes in and I’m still waiting for someone to apologize to Buffy.

20) Am I the only who thinks this speech is okay but like, the writers were trying too hard to give Anya her “Anya Speech Moment” of the season and it kind of feels a bit, I don’t know, forced?

ANYA Well...I guess I was...kinda new to bein' around humans before. But now I've... seen a lot more, gotten to know people... seen what they're capable of, and... I guess I just realized...how amazingly screwed-up they all are. I mean really, really screwed-up in a monumental fashion. And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die...which they...they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane. And yet, here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting, but they do. They never... never quit. So I guess I will keep fighting, too.

21) #priorities

22) And in another episode of Plots Totally Pulled Out of the Writer’s Ass… (a.k.a. Joss Whedon Tries to Rectify the Fact that He Wrote a Bunch of Men Violating the Original Slayer by Putting a Demon Inside of Her and Thus Utterly Destroyed the Whole Slayerness Equals Feminism Theme)

WOMAN We forged it in secrecy and kept it hidden from the Shadow Men, who...

BUFFY Yeah. Met those guys. Didn't really care too much for 'em.

WOMAN Ahh, yes. Then you know. And they became the watchers. And the watchers watched the slayers. But we were watching them.

BUFFY Oh! So you're like... what are you?

WOMAN Guardians. Women who want to help and protect you. We forged this centuries ago, halfway around the world.

Okay, I get it, I get what you were trying to do, but it was so fucking obvious, it was so transparent. Like, I know most of the so-called metaphors in this show were not so subtle (think the fucking monster-penis in Doublemeat Palace, for instance.) But the feminist struggle in the slayer vs the council struggle was always something that I personally enjoyed. And this is how Joss’s brand of “feminism” began to crumble down, in my opinion. This is what a white dude who is a self-proclaimed feminist believes to be a Good feminist storyline, but it’s so clichéd and self-evident it's almost cringe-worthy. Like, you get a bunch of Evil Men quite literally raping a Poor Woman, who is faked Empowered (her powers were lent to her by the Evil Men and the source of her powers is Evil, Demonic in nature because duh! she is a Woman) so that they can Manipulate her and Use her for the benefit of the Patriarchy. But oh wait! This is a Feminist Show! So in spite of what the Evil Men who were supposedly the Powerful ones did, there always were These Great and Powerful Women behind it all, the True Guardians of the Slayer, This has been a Matriarchy all along, you see?! PLOT TWIST!

Yawn.

The worst part? I can imagine all the writers patting themselves on the back for writing such a groundbreaking and Feminist storyline and for sticking it to the Men.

23) And btw, just to show you how big a Feminist Show this is, we get this…

I guess since this is a Feminist Show and Angel is the hero here and Buffy the damsel in distress, that makes Angel a woman, right?

But hey, at least he (or she?) literally let Buffy deliver the lethal blow…

24) And yes, this totally makes sense!

because Angel has not claimed to be in love with Cordelia and Buffy has not just had her more honest heart-toheart with Spike. Let’s just disregard whatever arcs have been developed in both shows in order to deliver a Ship Moment for the Bangel fans, right? Who cares about character development, right? Because I’m positive this is what former lovers do after not seeing each other in over a year, being currently emotionally unavailable, and facing the greatest evil of all. Suck face.

25) Update: minute 42 and I’m STILL waiting for someone to apologize to Buffy.

26) Sorry for the bitter rant!

27) If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi. Thanks!

#Buffy the Vampire Slayer #BTVS #Buffy Summers #Faith Lehane #The Chosen One #MTVSepicrewatch #mine #recap #End of Days #BTVSrewatch2015 #btvsrecap

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notheretobecute · 6 years

Text

The night after the party (Jackie and Tristin)

The housr was quiet tonight without the festivities from yesterday. Tristin had offered to stay back and clean up since Jack was still sleeping off his hangover and he didn't want to leave Jackie to do it herself.

The house was clean by 7 and somehow Jackie had also been able to make a roast beef dinner without him noticing. She smiled as she served up the food and took her pain pills "So you staying over tonight?" She poured him a glass of cider, sticky toffee apple flavour. It had always been his favourite.

He started to cut into his dinner as she asked and he nodded "if you don't mind I would prefer it" despite the warm weather lately it was still dark by 8 and he did not like travelling when it was dark. Which Jackie knew.

She laughed and ruffled his hair as she sat down next to him "of course you can stay here any time. You are my family." He smiled when she said that, but a question was bothering him. Like a song that couldn't stop playing in his head he kept wanting to speak but it was like his mouth was glued shut.

"Spit it out what do you want to ask" she grinned as he blushed, she knew him too well. He mustve been chewing on his lower lip as he often does when he is faced with indecision.

"Do you pity me?" He blurted out the words and looked away from her. She was shocked by the question but understood its nature.

"No." That was all she said and they sat in silence for a moment. It wasn't particularly awkward silence, but it wasn't comfortable either.

"No I don't pity you, just like you don't pity me." She started to play with the food on her plate with her fork, pushing it from side to side. "We are...broken people with broken lives. Every one of our friends has their own break no matter how big or small. A perfect person doesn't exist." She took a sip of her soda "that's why we are a family. A family of broken but...amazing people."

He was in awe of her. She always managed to surprise him. "Are you my mother or my sister then?" He laughed as he tried to make it less serious.

She thought for a moment which made him chuckle, taking such a silly question into serious consideration. "You..never had a mother really did you? Just like us. I mean.." he cut her off.

"My mother is insane, it's okay to say it. I remember..when she had her lucid days she would tell us stories of her family. How her mother was and how she treated people...like you do." He smiled up at her, motioning to the dinner she made and the house that had a room just for him incase he needed it.

She thought quietly for a moment "..so im...your grandma?" They looked at eachother for moment before they both started laughing.

Jack wandered into the dining room, picked up a fork and started stealing off of Jackies plate, this earned him an eyeroll but no other consequences "What I think Jackie is saying is that she is your family. Whether she's your mothet sister or grandma"

Tristin laughed and nodded "Its a pretty good family to be apart of"

"Eh it's alright. Your fine. Jackie on the other ha-" mid sentence he was tackled by Jackie, who had lept right across the table and ended up sat on his chest, a grin on her face "This is for stealing my food baby brother" she giggled and got up, leaving him groaning on the floor.

"I have a hang over you co-" She threw her corn of the cob at his head and smiled sweetly at Tristin as she sat down beside him gracefully. The three continued talking for hours into the night before heading to bed.

Jackie slipped a note under Tristins door

♤

♡

♢

♧

"My mother told me to protect others, save everyone I can. Let them be them. Don't let your true colours bleed or you become a shell of who you once were.

I'll protect you, brother. Xxx

Jackie"

#savage prompts #savageprompts #savagewords #Universe Of Mine

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