#meanwhile mona is like Way different from what she looked like in the comics

[polychromaic]

returning after a few ages with more winny pilgrim art, except this time it’s tboy swag he/she Ramon/a Flowers 🔥

[douxreviews]

Legends of Tomorrow - ‘The Eggplant, The Witch, and The Wardrobe’ Review

“Mikey! Mikey, Stop!”

Legends continues to ramp up the action as it moves into the final phases of its too short fourth season, and on the way makes the most important statement about relationships that's ever been uttered on genre television.

Have I mentioned how much I love this show?

One of the most consistently impressive things about the way Legends of Tomorrow tells its stories is the way that they're able to take what should be standard, if not cliched, plot set-ups and somehow turn them into something unexpectedly fantastic. Last year, Zari's turn at reliving Groundhog Day gave us the amazing 'Here I Go Again'. This week we get that thing that genre shows love to do wherein one character physically enters another character's mind in order to 'save' them from whatever has caused them to fall unresponsive, and therein finds a world built almost entirely of visual metaphors that help them work through a bit of character development before we get back to the season's larger plot.

So, yes. It's essentially Sara Lance as Willow Rosenberg in 'Weight of the World'. With the small difference that Ava, our Buffy-surrogate in the set-up, is actually able and willing to have a profoundly frank and adult discussion with her inside the, for lack of a better term, 'dreamscape'.

And really, I know that this gets mentioned in these pages a lot, but that's the greatest strength that Legends of Tomorrow has; the way that all of the characters are allowed to behave like rational and emotionally available adults, despite also being time travelling superheroes. It's sure as hell that none of us saw that coming, back in the Vandal Savage days.

Case in point, look at the way that they completely skated past the obvious 'everyone but Ray blames Nora for Hank's death' plotline here. That was obviously what we were being set up for back at the end of 'The Getaway', and yet within the first couple of scenes this week we have the Legends find out that Nora is on the Waverider, she says 'I swear I didn't kill Hank', and Constantine essentially responds, 'Yeah, we totally already figured that out. It was actually fairly obvious, and just the tiniest amount of follow-up on our part established what was really going on. We're totes good, Nora.' And everyone immediately gets on the same page on the issue, because they're all behaving like reasonable adults. That is huge. That just doesn't happen on television.

Even Nate only needs to take the smallest of moments questioning whether or not Nora is guilty before he processes what he's being told and accepts it, and that's the one instance in which they could have legitimately gotten away with a character responding in a destructive way because he was responding emotionally to his father's loss. But they didn't go there, and it cannot be overstated what a positive and refreshing example that is to see.

It's particularly clever of them, because of the way that they pulled the rug out from under us at least twice this week regarding the heavily foreshadowed Nate/Ray schism that we were all bracing ourselves for. Nate finds out that Ray has been harboring the woman he thinks killed his dad, and he responds by listening to what his friend is telling him, accepting what he's being told, and reaffirms their friendship. A little later on we see him accidentally punch Ray in what we assume is going to be the beginning of their 'Civil War' style breakup, only to immediately get ahold of himself, apologize, and embrace his friend. An apology that Ray accepts without hesitation, I might add, because Nate's actions were both completely understandable under the circumstances and immediately apologized for.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the world's greatest ever example of positive male friendship. I'm starting to believe that if we can just get enough people to watch this show, we might actually find a way to counter toxic masculinity. Wouldn't that be nice?

All of which is a roundabout way for me to get to the point that I've been growing to realize that it's really the character relationships that make this show. Witness, for example, the curious level of kindness that Constantine shows to Gary when he wants to hold vigil for Ava. Gary, by rights, should be pure dorky comic relief. Constantine, as a character type, exists almost solely to deflate that kind of comic relief character. And yet when push comes to shove, John goes to Gary's D&D nights. John cares about Gary. That's a nice detail. Similarly, it's notable the way that Mick is willing to help out Zari in something as trivial as crafting sexy text messages to Nate. Mick of even two years ago would absolutely not have been doing that.

Which brings me back to my initial point as regards that important statement about relationships. After a truly enjoyable series of sequences in the 'evil purgatory Ikea', Ava and Sara have some incredibly frank and direct talk about their relationship. And during that talk, they're both so amazingly emotionally available to one another and so willing to be vulnerable with one another. I honestly cannot think of a healthier relationship on television, ever. Not in the sense that they don't have problems, because they clearly do, but in the way tat they're willing to acknowledge them, and admit when they're in the wrong. It's messy, and it's real, and I love every second of it. And just when I think it can't get any better, Ava says;

"Let’s be honest, neither of us needs anybody. But you are who I want."

Yes. That. A million times, that. Can we amplify that message about a billion times, until it drowns out all the rom-com 'I need you to complete me' bullshit? Because that would be wonderful.

Be more like Nate and Ray, people

So what have we learned today?

To stop including this section in the reviews, because trying to condense a logically consistent universal rulebook of how timeline changes work in this fictional universe is absolutely nothing compared to what we should be learning from the character relationships. Also, clearly no one involved in the show is worrying about it.

Everybody remember where we parked.

This week the Waverider pretty much stayed where it was in Washington D.C., 2019. At least, it logically must have been sine Zari could send texts to that year, and Ray bounced back and forth between the ship and the Time Bureau.

Sara, meanwhile, went to actual literal purgatory to rescue Ava's soul. Purgatory, in this case, being an obvious Ikea knock-off called 'Megastor', complete with umlaut.

Quotes:

Ray: "Hey Sara! Great news. Hank was killed by a demon!" Nora: "'Great' was not the word he was looking for."

Ray: "She’s not a liability. She’s a survivor."

Sara: "You two are with me. (To Zari) Woman the ship."

Gary: "Conspiracies, embezzling, paper trails. I feel like Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich."

Nate: "If this is my dad’s mistress I’m gonna jump out a window."

Sara: "Ava, if you check out, you die." Ava: "Well that’s kinda on the nose, isn’t it?"

Charlie: "Being honest, wind powers- just not that scary." Mick: "Yeah, you’re like a magical hair dryer."

Nate: "Yeah, hi. We’re looking for Mr. Uh… Mr… T."

Zari: "I don’t even know why I’m talking to you two about it. You don’t even date humans." Mick: "Love’s love."

Nora: "I know how hard it is to watch someone you love become a demon." John: "Yeah, well too bad there aren’t any Beebo’s around to hug it to death."

Mick: "Here. Use words. It’s erotic, but vulnerable."

Bits and pieces:

-- Yes, I realize that they were actually in purgatory, where her soul was currently stuck, but all the semiotic rules at play here clearly were working on the understanding of 'dreamscape'.

-- So apparently Neron wanted Ava's body to host somebody called Tabitha, I assume she's his demon girlfriend.

-- The trope of the bad guy having a favorite whistle-tune so that we can identify what body he's jumped into later is super clichéd and tired. I still didn't see it coming that he'd end up in Ray though.

-- You should absolutely never pay less than $800 for a mattress. Under any circumstances.

-- It's not clear what actually happened to Nora in that ritual. Are she and Ray going to end up as Tabitha and Neron? I'd be down for that.

-- Absolutely nothing about Hank's magical creature zoo makes sense, and he certainly wouldn't have needed a demon's help to set it up. I hate everything about that plotline, with the exception of Mikey T, who is awesome.

-- Zari, Charlie and Mona giggling about texting boys shouldn't have been charming, but was completely 100% adorable.

-- Dirty secret time, I adore assembling flatpack furniture. Honestly, it's my favorite thing in the whole world. I'm not kidding.

-- The effect of aging and de-aging as the sat on the mattress was really nicely done. A very clean low tech solution which worked well.

-- I'm actually really surprised at how quickly Mona has begun feeling like a natural part of the team.

A really good episode with a lot of really positive things to say about adult relationships, both romantic and otherwise. I just wish it hadn't involved the stupid magical creatures zoo plot, because it's stupid and muddies the waters as to what Neron actually wants to accomplish.

Three out of four flatpack dressers.

Mikey Heinrich is, among other things, a freelance writer, volunteer firefighter, and roughly 78% water.

[vampi-sutra]

Hidden desire - the story (18+)

Here you can read the 18+ story “Hidden desire”, about Mona de Laffite and Shrowdy von Kieffer.

The story has been written for me by my friend from deviantArt, Alphadog223.

 Above you can see a short comic I’ve made as a cover for the story :)

(WARNING: CONTAINS PORN STUFF).

HIDDEN DESIRE

Our story begins in a castle on a dark night, and our main character Mona was busy pacing in her room thinking about a certain short and awkward little vampire. You see over the time that Mona had known Shrowdy she had seen him go from being awkward around her to being slightly more confident around her and it surprised her how much he had grown on her. She also began to experience strange urges whenever she was around him. She would grow warm and start to imagine how big he was in the sack and what he could do to her with it in bed. She started biting her lower lip at the thought and rubbed her legs together a bit. Soon she pushed those thoughts aside for the moment and began to look at the full moon in the night sky. Meanwhile in the other side of the castle Shrowdy was also looking up at the sky and thinking about Mona. Ever since he had kidnapped her and turned her into an unwilling vampiress he had become slightly awkward around her. At first when he had seen her around the castle he had started to sweat and stutter a bit when attempting to talk to her or get close to her. However as time went on and he eventually got to know her better and became less nervous around her. He even began to fantasize a bit about her wondering what kinds of things she liked to do in bed. The thoughts made a tent start to form in his pants. He then shook off those thoughts and once again proceed to stare up at the sky. The next day Mona woke up and stretched bit before getting dressed. She then went down to the kitchen to fix herself something to eat. When she reached the kitchen she noticed Shrowdy there already cooking.

Mona: Hello Shrowdy. Shrowdy: Well hello there miss Mona. Mona: So what are you making? Shrowdy: Oh just some pancakes. Would you like some? Mona: Why yes I would thank you for asking. He finished making the pancakes and they sit down at a table to eat their breakfast. They talked a bit about various things, soon however they stopped talking and ate in silence. After they had finished eating and washing the dishes they retired to the library for some quiet time to read. As they read their books their thoughts began wandering towards each other. While Shorty tried to suppress these thoughts Mona actually encouraged her thoughts to continue. She started to get very horny and even started to feel her panties get wet. Eventually she got an idea. Soon she stops reading and goes up to her room to get things ready. She then called Shrowdy up to her room. Shorty then walked up the stairs to Mona's room and when he entered the door was slammed shut and locked. He turned around and was surprised to see Mona in a skimpy maids outfit. Shrowdy: Miss Mona what is going on here!?!?! Mona: Shhhh (she places a finger on his lips) For the longest time I have wanted to do this. To admit my feelings for you in a romantic way. So I figured that this would be the best time. So just let me do all the work. Shrowdy: Yes miss Mona. She then kisses him with a hidden passion and while doing so pushes him down onto the bed on his back. While he is distracted by the kiss she ties his arms and legs to the bed posts. Shrowdy: Uh Mona wha-what's going on? Mona: I told you let me do all the work here big boy. He then calms down. Soon Mona starts to give a very sensual striptease and started to take off her maids outfit, revealing her black lace bra and panties. She then reached back and began to slowly undo her bra as it fell to the ground she cupped her breasts and played with them a little. She then used one hand to finger herself moaning softly before she pulled her hand up and licked sexually. She then brought one tit to her mouth and began to lick and suck on it making her moan. She then slowly turned around and bent over. She then slowly slid off her panties giving Shrowdy a good look at her rear end. At this point Shorty was sweating bullets and was trying to get out of his restraints so that way he could have at her. Soon Mona finished the dance and was completely naked. She then sauntered over to Shrowdy putting extra sway in her hips. While she walked over she noticed the large bulge in Shrowdy’s pants. Mona: I see someone likes what they see. Shorty then looked down and blushed. Mona then proceeded to tear off his clothes leaving him in only his underwears which still held the huge bulge. She then started to slowly stroke the bulge making it twitch a bit. She then ripped his underwear off of him and when she did she beheld,9 3/4 inch cock was sticking straight out toward her. She smirks and teased it a little with a kiss to the tip. She then proceeded to suck and lick it. She enjoyed the taste of his cock and sucked and stroked enthusiastically while also massaging his balls. . Soon after a few minutes Shorty couldn't hold it much longer and he came into her mouth. She savored the sweet taste and swallowed all of it. Mona: MMMM tasty. Shrowdy blushed upon hearing that. She then decided that enough was enough and slowly undid her panites and then started to slowly get on top of him. When she did she slowly positioned her entrance over Shrowdys erect member. She then started to slowly lower herself onto it moaning as she did so. Shrowdy also moaned as well as he felt the pleasure of his love riding his cock. As she rode her lovely big breasts bounced and jiggled. Shrowdy watched this and tried to reach up to caress her lovely breast but he couldn't escape the restraints. Mona continued to ride him until she felt herself cum from the pleasure she was experiencing. Soon she got off of his member panting but she was not finished with her plan just yet. She then crawled on top of Shrowdy and then turned herself around so her crotch was in front of Shrodys face and her face was in front of his crotch. Mona: Well what are you waiting for an invitation? Shrowdy then took the hint and start to lick and kiss her lovely pussy. Mona moaned in pleasure as she felt Shrowdy eat her out and she then plunged her mouth on his cock and began to suck it for the second time. Shrowdy wanted so desperately to reach up and play with her ass that was in front of him but he knew he was under her control and so he continued to eat her out savoring the taste of Monas pussy. Soon they both felt their release coming. Mona: Oh Shrowdy I am gonna cum. Shrowdy: Oh me top. Mona: Lets cum together. Both of them then came at the same time and both let out cries of pleasure as they did so. Soon Mona released Shrowdy from his restraints and he could finally touch her gorgeous body. Soon they were both cuddling and enjoying the afterglow of their lovemaking. Shrowdy: Wow that was incredible. Although next time we will have to try something a little different. Mona: I agree my little vampire, but for now let's just rest. Soon they both fell asleep cuddling in each others arms. THE END

[silverthenerd]

Okay… so this post is going to contain information about my TMNT AU and my characters’ backstory. So if you’re interested, keep reading! I’ll be updating this if there is new or different information to the AU~

SO WHAT TMNT UNIVERSE/VERSION IS THIS? Our version is kind of a mixture of TMNT 2012, TMNT 2003 and the IDW comics. The story mainly follows the 2003 plot, and then we’ll pull some things into the story that we like from other generations (such as the spill of mutagen canisters in 2012, or Hun being Casey’s dad in the IDW comics). We still don’t know if we’re gonna go with Kraang (2012) or the Utroms (2003), but we’ll have to figure that out at some time. WHAT CHARACTERS ARE A PART OF THIS UNIVERSE? Right now the characters we’ve included so far are of course the turtles (in my own style), my OC’s, 2012 Master Splinter, 2003 Agent Bishop, 2003 Shredder (at least we think so, still haven’t decided) and 2003 Foot Clan, IDW Karai, 2003 Baxter Stockman, 2012/IDW Hun (gonna have to make my own version), 2003 Purple Dragons, 2003 Casey, 2003 April, IDW Alopex, IDW Angel, my own version of Mondo Gecko, IDW/2012 Mutanimals (we kind of switched around with the members and took the characters we thought were cool: IDW Old Hob, IDW Slash, 2012 Leatherhead, 2012 Dr. Rockwell, IDW/2012 Pigeon Pete (they’re pretty similar) and my Mondo Gecko), 2003 Usagi, 2012 Mona Lisa and 2012 Murakami. I’ll add to the list if I think of more, or if more characters appear in the story. THE BACKSTORY FOR THE SQUAD Teddy, Chili, Viktoria and Cecilie were just four regular teenagers from Denmark (woop I got no regrets fite me) going on a school trip to New York City during the month of April. The four of them were best friends, sharing a love for cartoons, drawing, fantasy, generally just geeky stuff. The three girls were going to New York with their IT class while Teddy was going with his drama class, but luckily they all ended up going to the same location. When the classes weren’t going around the city to learn about their subjects, Teddy, Viktoria, Cecilie and Chili would team up and go into the city on their own to eat lunch and check out cool stores. On one of those days, they were checking out a comic book store, but since Chili and Viktoria had already finished up buying what they needed, they went out to look around for a bit, trying not to get lost and stay near the shop where Teddy and Cecilie were still looking for goodies. While waiting for Teddy and Cecilie, the two girls were standing on the side of the street, casually talking. Unfortunately they were caught off guard and as a mysterious man grabbed Chili and started dragging her into an alleyway behind them, Viktoria tried to help Chili escape him, but was caught by another man. They were dragged into the alleyway and were knocked out. The two girls woke up in an unknown room. They had been strapped onto tilt tables. Already scared and confused, the tools lying on a steel table nearby certainly weren’t helping. As they were trying to escape from their straps, a stranger appears from the shadows. He introduces himself as Agent Bishop and starts telling the girls about his plan that involves creating “super soldiers”. He tells them things that they do not understand about mutants, aliens and all kinds of crazy things. As he commands one of his men to ready the syringe with the turtle DNA, the girls start panicking and screaming at him, but he simply ignores it, takes the syringe and walks up to Chili, injecting her with a green glowing kind of “liquid”. As he steps back and the mutation begins, Chili starts screaming in pain from the changes her body are going through (think about it, her whole body is being rearranged, that must hurt like shit), while Viktoria can only scream in horror as her friend passes out from the pain. Viktoria goes through the same procedure, only with lizard DNA. Two weeks later, Bishop has placed the girls in stasis pods, checking up on them and researching them. Unfortunately for him, a certain bunch of mutant turtles have heard about kidnappings and they’ve figured out who’s behind it. They infiltrate Bishop’s lab and rescue the two girls, awakening them from stasis and taking them back to their lair. Now they’ll have to adjust to the new world they will have to live in - a world filled with mutants, aliens, ninjas, dimensions and several other things they had never even dreamed of, while they’re also far away from home and now have to live in a city they don’t know. They move in with turtles and try to cope with what they’ve been through while trying to understand what they’ve gotten themselves into. Months pass, they grow more used to their new bodies and Master Splinter starts teaching them ninjutsu, so they can protect themselves from Bishop’s men, whom they are still being chased by. The two girls hear about another kidnapping on the TV, yet they can’t figure out who the two people are, though they know they were kidnapped only a few days later and they’re most likely from the same school. Several months pass and meanwhile the turtles have found out (from Bishop) that the two people who were kidnapped were indeed kidnapped and mutated by him, but stolen from him by the Foot Clan. Now the main goal is to find a way to get into the Foot headquarters and rescue the two persons. Well, you guessed right, those two people were Teddy and Cecilie. Shredder had ordered his ninjas to kidnap them fro Bishop so he could use the mutants to his own advantage, which he was succesful in doing. Teddy was trained in ninjutsu to be one of his ninjas, while Cecilie learned to read the maps and know the city from inside and out, so she could help the Foot when going on missions. During these months the turtles have also unexpectedly reunited with Mona Lisa, who crash landed on planet Earth and now has to find a way to make her ship function again. Until then she’s living in the lair with the turtles, Chili and Viktoria. Half a year after the mutation of Chili and Viktoria the turtles, Mona Lisa and the two girls sneak into the Foot headquarters (Chili and Viktoria have weapons at this point) and eventually find Teddy and Cecilie. At first Teddy and Cecilie are very suspicious of the turtles due to Shredder manipulating them into thinking the turtles are the bad guys. At first they don’t want to come with them, but Chili and Viktoria end up convincing them to come with them. As soon as Teddy and Cecilie are assured the turtles are not evil (Murakami vouched for them) they moved into the headquarters of the Mutanimals. Even though the four friends live seperated from each other, they still make sure to spend as much time together as they can.

[briannaslist]

The Glove that Rocks the Cradle

A (late) Pretty Little Liars Recap (7x16)

Spencer gets questioned by the police and decides to be mostly antagonistic in her answers despite not being prompted to behave that way. Furey cuts the questioning after she starts talking about him and switches off with the detective that was questioning her. He brings her some water and tries to get her to tell the truth. All Spencer does is ask if she can go home. And it’s like she’s being weird on purpose. He tells her to get a lawyer because he’s getting the receipt in two days. The receipt she’s nervous about since she used Dunhill’s credit card, but signed her name on it, because she’s not the smart one. Now why Furey felt the need to give her the exact timeline is beyond me. Perhaps he’s not the smart one either.

Emily is now living with Alison. She’s been working on the nursery. She set up a good deal of it overnight with stuff she found in the attic. Alison loves it.

Aria gets a message from AD about never letting them go to voicemail. Well AD, maybe call at more convenient times. Ezra comes in and she quickly exits the message. He has brochures for dancing lessons so they can be prepared for the wedding. But Aria’s being weird and he picks up on it. She says she’s okay and leaves to go see the girls.

Spencer tells them about being drunk and using Dunhill’s credit card. I always thought the initial plan they had was to use the card in various anyway. So it would just look like he skipped town. But they’re all surprised and worried about her using the card in general, so I misunderstood all of that before.

Hanna says she can take the receipt when the Radley employees have a staff meeting. She’ll get Caleb to shut down the security system because he’s the one who installed it. However, he can’t leave it shut down for more than ten minutes; any longer and the security company is alerted. Great for a business, not so great for the situation. And to make matters worse, the game is ready for Hanna’s turn. It wants her to pick something up. While everyone else looks at the game, Aria gets a message saying “Hanna thinks it’s her turn, but yours isn’t up yet. And you’re playing for me.”  We know, AD; stop being obvious and excessive.

Everyone disperses. Let’s follow Hanna and Caleb. Hanna says they owe it to Spencer to help her; she thinks Spencer “self-destructed” that night because of them and their dumb love triangle. Couldn’t possibly be the burying a body that didn’t need burying in the first place because it was an accident. So tired of being reminded of Caleb and Hanna. Move on.

Spencer is spending time being rude to Emily. She’s helping Emily with the nursery and tells her that she’s thinking of getting Furey alone to talk to him. Emily tells her it’s a bad idea to overestimate someone’s feelings for her. Spencer counters by saying that’s what Emily’s doing with Alison and asks what the plan is there. Emily tells her that Ali wants to help with raising the baby and Spencer says that Emily is assuming a lot. Or, maybe you are Spencer because your situations are different.

Aria goes home and Ezra tells her about the meeting he had earlier with Jillian, the book publisher. Jill wants all the talking points to be about Nicole and he has a problem with that because he recently remembered that Aria has feelings. He tells Aria that he’s not gonna do the press tour if that’s how Jill wants to go about it. But Aria tells him to do it and she’ll be there cheering him on from the front row.

Hanna picks up the item for AD. It’s an external hard drive. Caleb plugs it in and there’s only one thing on there – a Patsy Kline song. How much space does that one song take up that it would require an entire hard drive? Hanna tells Caleb that Patsy Kline was played when they were in the dollhouse, though not particular song. What’s the significance? We’ll never know. Caleb asks if there could be any link between Lucas and the song. Oh right, we’re still pretending that Lucas is a suspect.

Spencer fully ignores what Emily said to her because she’s smart and she goes to Detective Furey’s apartment. He lets her come in, but doesn’t let her get comfortable. She’s taken aback and he tells her to just say what she wants to say. Spencer says Dunhill is a terrible person ( why would you lead with that) and she asks him to let this one “slip through the cracks”. And he’s looking at her with total disbelief. He hands her a tissue (since she’s crying a little), tells her no, starts moving to the other room to take a phone call, and tells her to leave.

And Spencer clearly cannot believe that this didn’t work. It’s absolutely hilarious. But he shouldn’t have left her because she sees a flash drive labeled with Lucas’s last name on it. He’s gone from decent cop to just okay; which is still better than most of the cops in Rosewood. Spencer takes the flash drive on her way out.

Spencer brings the flash drive to the others and they watch a video on it. It’s Lucas being questioned, post Charlotte’s murder. He says that he doesn’t know where Hanna was that night of the murder, but he doesn’t think that she did it; the others on the other hand, he wouldn’t be surprised. Hanna’s like, “Sure that’s not great, but he isn’t AD.” She can understand why he did it; he got caught lying, so he told the truth. Because why should he go to jail for some girls who bullied him? Aria suggests they stake out the locker where Hanna is supposed to deliver the hard drive. Which is awkward since no locker was mentioned. Aria awkwardly covers, but everyone is too distracted to think much of it. Oh, and just to make us feel more convinced that the others are right, they decide to show us Lucas in a limo, reading the old comic he wrote with Charles.

The next morning, Emily shows Alison her old baby mobile. But then she realizes that Ali didn’t take her prenatal vitamins and is super upset at her and says she can’t believe that Ali is flaking out on her already. But Alison honestly just forgot. She just started taking them; it would stand to reason that that she’d forget.

The girls and Caleb group up; Alison’s not there because she actually works. Hanna’s instructions were to drop the hard drive off at the school the same time as the staff meeting at The Radley. Then Aria’s like, “sorry for the bad timing and shortage of friends, but Ezra’s press thing is tonight, so…” Emily tells her to go and says that she and Ali will stake out the locker. Literally the two worst people to do it.

Everyone walks out except Spencer and Caleb. Spencer got a message asking to schedule a second interview with the police. Caleb apologizes, saying it’s partially his fault that she was drinking that night and promises that he and Hanna won’t let her down this time and hopes that it means something. Conversely, maybe you shouldn’t cope with alcohol.

Hanna is on her way out of her (well Lucas’s) apartment. Mona was about to knock on her door when Hanna opens it. She asks why Hanna hasn’t been telling her anything about the game and Hanna tells her about the hard drive. Mona offers to be another set of eyes and Hanna tells her that the others don’t know that Hanna told her. Mona asks how many times she has to help them before she’s finally a part of the group.

Aria never shows up to Ezra’s thing; she’s “destroying” the nursery for AD. It’s almost comical how bad of a job she does. Just lightly handling everything. While that’s happening, Emily and Ali do a terrible job staking out the locker. Emily uses the opportunity to apologize to Ali for being mad about the vitamins and Ali tells her she feels like she’s failing Emily. Why would we have a heart-to-heart at this exact moment? They drove there together and live in the same house. And then they hear the locker close and realize they never saw who did it and go trying to run after the person, splitting up. That results in Ali getting knocked over and Emily deciding whoever was there is “long gone” despite it only being 30 seconds. They go home.

Aria is still destroying the nursery in the slowest manner possible, when she hears Emily and Alison. She trips over stuff. Multiple times. AD could not have picked a worse person. Emily picks up a candlestick to go after the intruder, but Aria gets away.

Meanwhile, Ezra does the press conference and says that he’s starting the next chapter of his life with Aria and says she’s always been there for him. Because screw Jillian and her wishes. They have to double down on reminding us that Ezra does care about her. We’re running out of episodes.

Aria meets up with Spencer, Emily, and Alison to look at the destroyed nursery. Ali figures the hard drive delivery was a set up to get them out of the house. Aria just lingers quietly in the background, watching Emily and Alison looking sad. Alison says that AD has a helper, since they couldn’t beat them home from the school and manage to do all that damage. But I thought they already knew that. Then it gets weird when Spencer finds Aria’s earring over where the rest of them are. Aria’s so bad at this she wore personal identifying information. Spencer returns the earring and doesn’t question her further.

Hanna is searching through the appropriately labeled boxes at The Radley, trying to find the receipt, when Caleb comes in asking her what’s taking so long. Hanna can’t find it so Caleb just dumps the boxes by a pipe and dents the pipe, saying there will be nothing for them to find. Except the relevant materials being dumped by the purposely broken pipe. They go to the manager’s office and Caleb starts resetting the system. He goes downstairs to finish and leaves Hanna in there. Hanna listens to a voicemail from Mona saying that she didn’t see anyone at the school, but Emily and Ali heard her and chased her. While listening, Hanna sees the cameras turning back on and sees Lucas in one of the hallways.

Spencer gets a call from Furey, who is highly upset. He says she needs to return the flash drive and she just keeps saying she doesn’t know what he’s talking about and tells him that if she did take something, it would mean that she was in his apartment alone, and she thinks people may think that’s strange. He just hangs up. Fair threat; here’s a counterpoint: she went to his apartment trying to negotiate him dropping part of an ongoing investigation.

Lucas is at his apartment, frantically searching though his things. The girls come in, accusing him and asking why he’s there looking for things… in his own apartment. And when they say he destroyed a nursery Lucas looks straight at Aria. Aria pipes up and says maybe he didn’t do it. Hanna says they saw the tape and Ali says now he’s sending body parts to implicate them. Lucas is very confused and says the reason he’s looking so worried is because of the book. He didn’t know that it was his childhood friend that was torturing them before. They had kept in touch over email, but he never knew about Charles transitioning to Charlotte or any “A” stuff. His emails were detailing how Ali used to bully him while the others just stood back and watched. Spencer asks him why he stole the comic book. Stole. His own property, from his own apartment. These girls are the worst. He says the book was sent to him along with a note saying “Want to keep your friendship a secret. Meet me at The Radley.” He went, but no one ever showed up. He came back home looking for the sequel; the sequel turns the vengeance into a game. He didn’t want the book ending up in AD’s hands, but it looks like he was too late. They ask how the book ends and he tells them is was never finished.

When everyone is gone and Lucas is getting ready to leave, Hanna tells Lucas that she believes what he told them. She asks him why the factory is for sale. I like this; just direct questions. He tells her that he thinks she’s talented, but had trouble convincing the others. He’s the only investor and was too embarrassed to tell her that he lost the money from the investment. Hanna feels terrible for losing Lucas’s money, but Lucas is the one who does the reassuring and says he’ll make it back. He says she was worth losing everything. She thanks him and says she never doubted him; he says he knows. All while giving her a look that confirms he still loves her. I hope Lucas finds someone wonderful in the future; the way they’re rushing everything, they’ll probably throw him and Mona together.

Spencer is back in the interrogation room at the police station. Furey comes in and tells her about the flood in the records room at The Radley. He says they’ll just broaden the scope of the investigation. A little unnecessary to have her come there just for that.

Emily and Alison joke about Em trying to protect her with the candlestick earlier. Emily says it’s a little silly because Alison is the strongest woman she knows. Alison says she knows Emily will always protect her. Emily asks her why she always pushes her away, knowing that’s the case. This is the worst conversation ever. Alison says she doesn’t know why she pushes Em away, but she’s ready to stop and wants to be a family with Emily. She tells Emily that she loves her and they kiss. All of this feels so rushed.

Aria goes home and sees a response to her text apologizing to Ezra for missing his event. He says it’s fine and that she didn’t miss much. She looks down and sees a cut on her arm from when she tripped in the nursery. This leads to her laying on the couch a crying. I guess we’re supposed to feel bad for her, but I don’t feel bad for any of them. I’m still rooting for them to all go to jail.

Lastly, an AD scene. AD has the second comic. It’s called Endgame. AD shows off their lack of drawing skills by drawing an elementary school level tree and a gravestone saying “He Lies…”. Naturally we don’t see who AD writes down. But now we know AD is not an artist. Answers.

[bellabooks]

“Pretty Little Liars” recap S7 E15: In the eye abides the heart

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Aria flipped teams, Paily shared a moment, and Ali went shopping at Rosewood’s most sinister baby clothing store. This week’s episode was directed by Spencer Hastings herself, Troian Bellisario, and she did a really great job with an emotional episode. We open with Emily and Ali staring at the board game, trying to decide what to do about their baby. They’re both feeling angry and exhausted, and Emily suggests they do a DNA test to confirm it’s her egg. Ali agrees, but in her heart of hearts she’s already knitting an Emily Jr. sweater set.  Emily, did you see the baby’s shiny unicorn-like hair on the ultrasound? It’s clearly yours!   Aria is new to the A team, and gets a video chat from a distorted image of herself. The Aria Face Filter is creepy, but there is something very funny about Aria literally yelling at herself. You hang up first! No, you hang up first!   The Liars assemble at the Brew, where everyone but Hanna agrees that Lucas is up to something shady. Hanna agrees to search the loft for any signs of Lucas’s connection to Charlotte, which is pretty bold considering the loft could come alive at any moment and try to eat her whole. Remember when that wacky fireplace tried to roast Aria like a marshmallow? The loft remembers. Spencer brings gluten-free cupcakes to Det. Marco, which in my book counts as a declaration of war. We find out that Toby and Caleb are having a bros weekend at a cabin in the woods, where they are not fishing and surely not having illicit gay mountain sex. JK, they’re talking about how they both slept with Spencer. Marco questions Spencer about Archer’s death, but Spencer awkwardly deflects him and leaves. She goes home to find an empty wine bottle with a message in it from Mary Drake, saying they need to talk. I guess you’re my mother now, Cabernet Sauvignon!   Ezra is headed back to New York because Nicole Probs, when Aria demands that he stay and be her fiancée. Ezra blows her off because of his big guilty man feels, and Aria is left with no one to talk to but her own face filter. She tells A.D. about Mary Drake and Pastor Ted, and A.D. hangs up on her. Emily fills Paige in on Ali’s pregnancy, but leaves out the part where she’s a co-parent. They hold hands, smile, and Ali calls Emily with the test results: it’s her egg. Ali also tells her that the father isn’t Archer, which means it could be anyone. My money is on Lucas or Peter Hastings, considering he’s impregnated half of Rosewood. A free trip to New York AND I get to be on the Maury show?! Nothing bad could come out of this!   Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention those weird cemetery interstitials where Caleb and Mona promote the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Later, they’re joined by Noel Kahn and Sara Harvey, who I guess has been camping out in the dumpster since they killed off her character. Guys, they’re supposed to be themselves in this, and this girl is not even good at playing herself! I’ve never seen four people less excited about a pirate movie. Hanna and Emily dig around the loft for clues, but Hanna is too busy playing with Lucas’s action figures. She asks Emily what she’s going to do about the baby, and Emily says it’s not her call to make. They go through Lucas’s comics collection and find an old issue of something called Arcturus, by Lucas and Charlotte. It’s about a couple of bullied boys, one of whom can morph into a female alien superhero. 10/10 would read this comic, watch the movie, buy the toys. Please let this be a PLL spinoff! There’s also a panel that looks just like the torture switchboard from the dollhouse. They show the comic to Aria, whose eyes practically bug out of her head. She tells A.D. about the comic, and A.D. makes her steal it and bring it to Rosewood High. Meanwhile, Spencer and Mary continue to play telephone through empty wine bottles. Are they using the same bottle, or is Spencer just downing a bottle before bed every night? If she isn’t, she’s getting plenty of help from Emily, who confesses that she wants Ali to have the baby. Emily feels like it’s an unfair and impossible situation, but she knows what she wants. Proof that Emily is ready to be a Rosewood mom: she’s already got that wine game on lock.   Later that night, Emily tells Ali that she wants to keep the baby and raise it together. Ali is conflicted, and Emily asks her to at least think about it. As if she could think about anything else. Mona finds Hanna at the loft and tells her that Lucas sold their fashion factory. This is not a surprise, considering Hanna bailed on the investors meeting. She honestly doesn’t even seem that bummed out about it. She also makes the smartest decision yet, which is showing Mona Vanderwaal the board game. And guys? Guys. Guys. Mona is in love with this game. She caresses it, holds it close, and feels its warmth radiating out and calling to her like Gollum and the ring. She does everything short of humping the board game before a razor pops out and tries to cut her. Mona deduces that the game is running on a battery, which means that the clock is ticking. Eventually, they will win the game or the game will end itself. Hanna begs her to play, but Mona doesn’t want to sucked back into her crazy adrenalized hyperreality self of season 2. Hanna says that she’s the only one who can understand and beat the game, and Mona realizes that she must once again save the Liars from themselves. My precious!   Aria arrives at Rosewood High and places the comic in locker 214. She walks away, but has a change of heart. When she opens the locker again, the comic is gone, replaced by a black hoodie. A.D. is some sort of ninja. Spencer and Mary agree to meet at an apartment somewhere, but Mary doesn’t show. Instead, Spencer is busted by Marco, whose been tailing her. Turns out that Marco is the only cop in Rosewood that is competent: he reveals that the night they nearly banged in the elevator, Spencer paid for the drinks with Archer’s credit card and signed her name on the bill. He tells her that he can’t help her anymore, and Spencer storms out. Later, she gets a note from Mary who thinks she purposely brought cops to their meet-up. I hope there’s some wine left. Emily and Paige have drinks together at Radley, and Emily reveals that she’s not only Ali’s baby daddy, but that she wants to raise the kid. Paige needs a drink, and proceeds to buy every drop of alcohol in the Radley bar. Paige realizes that she can never share Emily with Alison, and refuses to be part of a lesbian parenting triad with the girl who made her life hell. Bartender, I’ll take everything.   And the most heartbreaking part? She’s not surprised. Paige is utterly resigned to something she knew in her heart all along: Emily and Alison are inextricably woven together. They always were, but this baby brings everything into glaring focus. Paige knows that this situation is untenable, and she makes the mature choice to say goodbye to Emily and Rosewood. She tells Emily that this is the third and last time she’ll say goodbye, and kisses her. A tear runs down Paige’s face as she walks away from the love of her life. Whelp, this is a heartbreaker.   It’s not a fight. It’s not even an argument. It’s two adults coming to the painful realization that they want fundamentally different things. And those are the break-ups that are the hardest to bear. The ones where there is still love and affection and mutual respect. But things get in the way. Life gets in the way. If this is the last we see of Paige (sob!) I’m glad that she’s leaving on her terms, and not as a villain or as a victim. Besides, I’m sure there will be plenty of lesbians in Iowa who are more than eager to be her rebound. Before she leaves, Paige makes one last stop. She wakes Ali up from a nap, and they sit down to share some hard truths. Paige needs to know if Ali really and truly loves Emily. They both know that Emily loves her, and probably always will. But is Alison ready to let herself love Emily back? Paige floats the idea that maybe Ali’s legendary awfulness is a result of suppressing her feelings and being too scared to face her own truth. Alison admits to Paige and herself that she wants to be the Ali that Emily sees. Paige tells her she’s going to have a beautiful baby, and leaves Ali with her big repressed gay feelings. I’m not in love with Emily, I just think about her all the time, miss her scent, dream about buying a fixer upper with her in the subur- oh hell I’m totally in love with her.   Ezra is at the airport, where he finds Spencer grabbing a drink with Wren, who is making his obligatory farewell cameo. They try to convince Ezra to have a drink, but Ezra goes home to Aria instead. Spencer also asks Ezra not to tell anyone about the Wren thing, and Ezra doesn’t even care. Emily goes to Ali’s house, and Ali tells her that she’s keeping the baby. They agree to raise it together, and they share a long lingering hug. It’s the beginning of the Emison endgame. As much as I like Paige McCullers, I can’t say that I’m upset about an Emison ending. I think they’ve done a good job of rehabilitating Alison as a character, and I believe that she has genuine feels for Emily. Yes, there are issues, but it’s pretty wild to think that a show that premiered on a channel (formerly) called ABC Family has spent 7 seasons building to a grand same-sex love story. There are still five episodes left though, and anything can happen. What did you think of Paige’s departure and the Emison end game? Tweet me your feels @ChelseaProcrast http://dlvr.it/PFQSD0

[elexuscal]

Story: As Your Friend

Summary: Kik's always found making new friends tricky, which was why the mysterious Stevonnie swooping in out of nowhere and taking her under their wing was equal parts surprising and exciting. But it seems that Stevonnie has something to tell Kiki, something that'll make this friendship trickier than she could have ever imagined.(But then again, maybe not.)

Wordcount: 3,321 ao3 link

note: This fic has spoilers for the recent Kiki+Stevonnie comic. Nothing life shattering, but if you're planning on reading it, I do suggest you do that first, 'cause it's great. Meanwhile, hope you enjoy!

Kiki was not a people person.

“That’s ridiculous,” Jenny would say, whenever Kiki brought this up. “Just look at you in the restaurant! You’re amazing with customers!”

“That’s different,” Kiki would say, because it was. When she was working, she didn’t feel like herself, not exactly. The uniform gave her confidence. She had a job to do, a script to follow. ‘Welcome to Fish Stew Pizza, may I take your order?’ ‘Let me tell you today’s specials.’ ‘Here’s your bill! Thank you so much for coming!’

But just… talking to people? As herself? There were no scripts. And that was nerve wracking.

Jenny didn’t get nervous, least not about things like that. She loved talking to people, and people loved talking to her. Friends, classmates, teachers, store clerks, musicians, complete strangers… Sometimes it felt like the only people she didn’t want to talk to were customers, based on how much effort she could put into getting out of work. But point was: people flocked to Jenny like bees to a flower.

Kiki just didn’t get how Jenny did it; how she could makes friends as easily as breathing. Kiki had friends, of course, pretty good ones. Tracy, Mona, and Chantelle. Kiki wouldn’t trade them for the world. But they felt hard won, and their friendship entirely accidental, based mostly upon chance meetings and shared group projects. She wasn’t entirely sure how to repeat it with someone else. And they all lived outside of Beach City, which mean that unless they were at school, they didn’t get a lot of chances to hang out.

Which was why Kiki was so nervous about hanging out with Stevonnie.

Kiki knew it was stupid. Stevonnie wasn’t scary. They were the exact opposite. They were cheerful, silly, and almost aggressively friendly, at least one-on-one. Dress shopping with them had been fun. (Clothes shopping! Fun! Who’d have believed it?). The prom had been great too, and so had the movie, even if it had been sorta kiddy. Kiki liked them. She wanted to hang out again.

… she was just terrified she’d mess it up, somehow.

So when the restaurant’s doorbell chimed and Stevonnie’s voice called out, “Kiki? You here?”, she nearly jumped out of her skin.

“Here!” Kiki called from the kitchen, hurrying out into the restaurant proper. ‘How’re ya doing today?”

“Great. I’ll have a large pepperoni with bell peppers, please.”

Kiki blinked, and reached for her notepad. Stevonnie giggled.

“Sorry,” they said. “It’s just that you’re still wearing your uniform.”

“Oh.” Kiki laughed, a little nervously. “For a second there, I thought you were only hanging out with me for the pizza.”

Stevonnie winked. “Nah, I’m here for the fish stew, too.”

Now Kiki’s laugh was genuine. “Well, that’s okay then.”

As Kiki took her apron off, Stevonnie asked her how she was doing. “‘Bout as well as I can after a four hour shift.”

Stevonnie grimaced in sympathy. “You wanna just go and… sit and relax somewhere?”

“First I wanna stretch my legs. Then sure.” Kiki’s stomach gurgled. “Long as we get a bite to eat.”

“That can be arranged,” said Stevonnie, grinning. “Don’t know how you manage to work here. I’d just eat everything myself.”

“It’s called ‘self-restraint’.”

They tapped their chin, brow creasing. “Nope. Never heard of it.”

Kiki snorted, and finally turned to hang up her apron and hat, which was when Gunga appeared to say hello. Stevonnie chatted with her politely for a few minutes, until Gunga finally waved them off, telling them to “Go have fun! Be back by ten, so I don’t have to convince your father not to ground you!”

Just as the pair of them were slipping through the doors, Gunga gave Kiki a wink. Kiki swallowed a sigh and rolled her eyes. Her grandma was convinced they were dating, even though Kiki had told her that they’d agreed to be friends, instead. She supposed it was only natural, considering that they had been each other’s date to the prom, but still. Kinda annoying.

She and Stevonnie made their way down the boardwalk, just chatting about stuff. Nothing in particular. Favourite subjects (Kiki liked PE and English; Stevonnie said they weren’t picky, but that art and history were probably theirs). The TV shows they were watching (Stevonnie loved Under the Knife, while Kiki was trying to catch up on Weirder Stuff.) Stevonnie asked if Kiki had had any luck getting her own room, and Kiki dove into nearly a five minute description about how her Dad had finally agreed to convert her Mom’s old ‘study’ into an extra bedroom, and how she’d spent ages picking out paint colours and stuff.

“Technically it’s Dad’s study, too, but he basically never uses it,” Kiki explained. “I think he was mostly just keeping around cuz of… nostalgia, or something? But Gunga talked to him, and he figured Mom woulda preferred one of us having it, instead of it just sitting there empty.”

(It occured to Kiki that she’d never actually told Stevonnie about her and Jenny’s long standing fights about how they both wanted their own room. But that wasn’t too weird, was it? She was pretty sure that she’d mentioned it to Steven, and Stevonnie was pretty obviously related to him. Probably not a sibling, but maybe a cousin? Steven had probably mentioned it to them.)

Kiki was just about to ask about that, when she noticed the downcast expression on Stevonnie’s face. “You okay?”

“Huh? Oh. Yeah. Fine.” They shook their head. “Sorry. Just thinking ‘bout how I kinda took over my mom’s old room, too.”

“You lost your mom?”

“... yeah. Childbirth.”

“Sorry,” Kiki said.

“It’s okay.” Stevonnie shrugged, and Kiki recognized their expression as that of someone who was sad, but held no real grief.

“I was three when mine died,” she said. “Stroke. Really unexpected, apparently. I remember how upset Dad and Gunga were when it happened. But... I don’t really remember her."

“Sorry,” Stevonnie said, and Kiki got the sense the apology was more for the memories than the death.

They walked in silence for a bit, neither sure how to continue the conversation. Thankfully by then they’d nearly reached the Big Donut, and the promise of food. Wordlessly, they both made a beeline for it. Something sweet would really be appreciated.

Inside, it was the usual two employees on duty: the smiley blond girl, and the rude guy who sometimes hung out with Jenny. Both their eyes bugged out when they entered. The dude even took out his earbuds, which seemed, from Kiki’s limited experience, a minor miracle.

“Uh. Hello!” said the girl. “Stevonnie! And, uh, Kiki, right?”

“Yep. Er, and you’re… Sam?”

“Sadie,” she corrected. Kiki felt her cheeks flush, and she was grateful for her dark skin. How long had this girl been working here, just down the street from her place, and Kiki’d never learned her name?

(The dude didn’t offer his name. He was just staring. Rude.)

Stevonnie seemed to have the place’s menu memorized, and ordered one chocolate donut and one strawberry glaze, right off the bat. Kiki was less certain. “Uh,” she said, “what’d you recommend?”

“Oh, well,” said Sadie, “the honey crullers’s probably my favourite.”

“Sounds good! I’ll have that, please.”

Their hands brushed when Kiki passed Sadie the change. It was just a moment, but their eyes met, and Kiki felt herself flushing all over again.

Kiki pulled back her hand a little quicker than perhaps necessary.

“See you later!” Stevonnie called, and Kiki barely managed to stammer out a goodbye of her own.

Back outside they went, to snag one of the outdoor tables and enjoy the sunset. Kiki bit into her donut— and wow, it really was sweet— swallowed, and asked, “What’s that guy’s name again?”

“Lars?”

“Yeah, that’s it.” Kiki shook her head. She didn’t like to say bad things about people behind their back, especially people she barely knew, but…

Stevonnie had clearly read her expression. “He’s not so bad. Er…” their mouth twisted. “Yeah, okay, he’s kind of a jerk, but I think it’s just a shell he puts on. He can be nice, if you get to know him. And Sadie’s great.”

“Mmm?” said Kiki.

“We should ask her to hang out sometimes.” Stevonnie was looking at her, a knowing gleam in their eye.

“That would be nice,” Kiki said, words coming out a bit fast. “Hey, you’re not cold, are you?”

Stevonnie blinked. “Cold?”

“Yeah. It’s a little chilly,” said Kiki, just as a stiff breeze off the ocean grabbed some of Stevonnie’s hair and tossed it in their face. “And you don’t have a jacket or anything.”

(Stevonnie had a look that Kiki wished she could pull off. Almost always wearing  with that too-small red star t-shirt, and everything else super tight and form fitting. Today they had on jeans that cut off at the knees, suspenders, and a frilly purple undershirt. They looked awesome, but not particularly warm for mid-spring.)

“I’m fine!” said Stevonnie, brushing the hair out of their face. “Guess I’m warm blooded.”

“‘Course you’re warm blooded, you’re human. That doesn’t mean you can’t get cold.”

“Haha, yeah,” Stevonnie laughed. Then, abruptly, they stopped, and looked down at their donuts.

They picked at the food despondently, and Kiki finished her own donut, wondering if she’d said something wrong.

“Kiki,” Stevonnie sighed. “I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

“Huh?”

Stevonnie didn’t immediately answer. They didn’t look cold anymore; they were sweating, visibly, their face was flushed. They were twisting their hands around the paper donut bag.

Every second they waited, Kiki felt her stomach sink lower and lower. “What do you mean?”

“Okay, there’s no not-weird way to say this so… I’M STEVEN UNIVERSE.”

“What?”

“I mean— I’m half Steven Universe, the other half of me is Connie Maheswaran, you’ve never met her, she’s Steven’s friend, and sometimes we turn into a single person through alien magic—”

“Woah, woah, slow down,” said Kiki, feeling overwhelmed, and not even sure where to begin.

Stevonnie ran their hands over their face. “Okay. I’m just gonna show you, alright?”

Before Kiki could say anything, there was a flash of pink, and two shapes tumbled out of the chair. Kiki jumped to her feet, craning over the table, to see two kids picking themselves off the ground.

One was very clearly Steven— and okay, that did explain why Stevonnie and Steven both apparently had the same shirt, which they each wore exclusively. He was wearing it now, and the jeans. The other was a girl Kiki recognised in a vague sort of way; she thought she’d seen her around town a couple times. Slim, purple dress, brown skin and black hair, blinking nervously around while Steven pulled over another chair.

“Well,” said Kiki. “That’s something.”

“You’re not… I mean… you’re not surprised?” asked the girl.

“Oh, I’m surprised,” said Kiki. “But not that surprised. I mean, I already knew Stevonnie was related to Steven, and that Steven’s family is kinda unusual.”

“How’d you know?” Steven said, looking genuinely surprised.

Kiki raised three fingers. “One: Stevonnie picked me up under the giant beach statue where you live. Two: your friend Pearl was our chaperone. Three: we drove to the prom in your dad’s van.”

“Oh yeah…” Steven said, while the girl face-palmed.

“So... Connie right?” Kiki asked, and the girl nodded. “So… how’s this work? Do you remember me?”

“I remember everything Stevonnie did, yeah,” said Connie. “And I know… some other things. Hazy impressions about who you are, from Steven’s memories.”

“Oh,” said Kiki.

She had about a dozen questions, but she had no idea where to begin or if it was exactly polite to ask them. Wasn’t like ‘your friend suddenly split into two smaller people’ was a social situation that came up a lot.

And… oh man, this explained some stuff, actually. Like, now Steven and Connie’s clothes fit them perfectly, so that was why Stevonnie always looked like their outfits had been artfully shrunk in the wash, and why they must’ve been so excited for clothes shopping, or knew stuff that Kiki had never told them. And why they’d been so pumped to see that kids’ film. Or why, they’d freaked out so much when they’d slow danced—

— Kiki stopped that train of thought, right there.

Stevonnie didn’t need a reason to not want to go out with her, of course, beyond ‘not wanting to’. But yeah. ‘Actually two kids’ was a pretty good reason not to want to.

“Oh, man,” said Kiki. “How old are you guys, anyway?”

“Fourteen. And a half,” said Steven.

“What? Really?” Kiki had thought he was way younger. “We’re only like a year apart!”

Steven shrugged.

“I’m thirteen,” said Connie. That surprised Kiki in the other direction. She guessed the girl didn’t really look that old, it was just that compared to the baby-faced Steven… And together they made a single person who looked sixteen or seventeen, easily.

“Oh, man,” Kiki repeated, rubbing her head.

“Uh, are you okay?” said Steven.

“Fine,” said Kiki.

“Are you… mad?”

“Mad?”

“Because we lied to you,” said Connie.

Well. She guessed they had. “You kinda more just… didn’t tell me something.”

“That’s a lie of omission,” said Connie.

“… True,” said Kiki. She didn't feel mad, exactly. Maybe a little annoyed, but mostly curious. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We didn’t mean to, at first!” cried Steven. “We just forgot!”

“It’s really easy to forget you’re fused!” said Connie. “We didn’t even realise!”

“Then by the time we did, we just— didn’t—” said Steven. “It was kind of cool. Like having a secret identity.”

“But then we felt bad,” said Connie.

“But we were scared to tell you cuz—”

“— what if you didn’t want to hang out with us?”

“What if you thought it was weird?”

“After all, humans don’t exactly fuse every day, and we weren’t sure how to explain it!”

“Stop!” Kiki cried, throwing up her hands. She was feeling a little dizzy. It was pretty easy to see how these two could somehow transform into a single person. “Guys. Please. I’m not mad. Maybe a little hurt…” Immediately their faces fell, so Kiki hurried onto the next part of the sentence. “But I get it.

“But Steven. Of course I wanna hang out with you. We’re already friends.”

“I…” said Steven. He smiled a little. “Right.”

“And I mean, after the whole ‘dream warrior’ thing, it’s not like I could be more surprised by your powers, y’know?”

“‘Dream warrior thing’?” echoed Connie.

“Don’t you know?” said Kiki. “From being in his head?”

“Stevonnie’s head,” Connie corrected. “I only got hazy impressions of you, I said. Stuff like… you’re really nice, and funny, and make great pizzas.”

Kiki wasn’t really sure how to respond to that.

Thankfully, she didn’t have to, because Steven immediately dove into a longer explanation.

“I would never let Stevonnie know something that I know about you if I thought that you wouldn't want Connie to know.”

Kiki ran a hand through her hair, trying to sort that sentence out in her head. It made sense, weirdly enough. “O-kaaaay,” she said. “Well, long story short, I was having these nightmares for a while, and Steven used his dream powers to help me get rid of them.”

“Aw, cool,” said Connie.

“Yeah, it was super cool,” said Steven. “At least at first.”

Kiki felt a wave of old guilt. Her hands clenched. She said, “Sorry, again.”

Steven waved her off. “Don’t apologize. I wanted to help. And seriously, it was fun. Just… kinda tiring.”

“Why don’t you ever visit my dreams?” asked Connie.

“You never asked?” said Steven.

“Well, I’m asking now,” said Connie. “This sounds awesome. I like, never remember my dreams.”

“Well, maybe I have been there, you’ve just forgotten.”

Connie narrowed her eyes at him. “You already admitted you haven’t been in them.”

“Darn,” Steven said, outwitted. “Okay, I’ll try to pop in tonight.”

Kiki listened to all this in interest. “So… you’ve never been in each other’s dreams but you’ve… shared a body? How’s that work?”

“Oh, those two things are really different,” said Steven, waving his hands in a vague movement. “When I’m inside someone’s brain… well, it’s like, I’m there, y’know? Separate, just watching. But when you’re fused…”

“… it’s like you’re not there anymore. Not really,” said Connie. “Stevonnie's the one there, instead.”

“So you… disappear? That sounds… um… scary.”

“It’s not, really,” said Connie. “Not usually.”

“It’s hard to explain,” said Steven.

Kiki wanted explanations, however hard. She wanted to understand how Stevonnie— the person she’d gone shopping with, and danced with, and shared popcorn with— could somehow be two completely different people. How did it work, how did they all fit together, what did it feel like?

But Connie was staring down at the table, and even the usually exuberant Steven seemed uncertain, and Kiki pulled herself back. She wouldn’t want to be… interrogated about something personal by a new friend, and this seemed… pretty personal.

So instead, Kiki asked, “So, Connie, do you live in Beach City, or…?”

She didn’t, it turned out. She lived about a half hour drive out of town. It was a bit of a hassle coming to visit, sometimes. Kiki more than understood, since her other friends had the same problem.

“I’ve got a car,” said Kiki. “Or, well, my family does. But I’m allowed to use it! Sometimes, at least. If you ever need a lift, I’d be more than happy to help.”

“That’d be great for when Lion’s being lazy,” said Steven. And that just set off another round of questions. About how Steven’s weird pet Lion could apparently teleport, and how it had a sword in its head, and Connie had been training with it. And then the two of them got to talking about their training routines, with Connie giving Kiki tips on how to build upper-arm muscles, while Kiki explained the best way to improve endurance. And from there, somehow, they got onto the topic of shoes, and teasing Steven for his stubborn refusal to wear anything other than a single pair of sandals.

“They’re comfy, okay!” he exclaimed.

Before Kiki even knew it, it was dark, and Sadie and Lars were closing up shop. The two groups waved at each other, before Kiki checked her phone and figured she should probably be getting home. She still had a good hour before curfew, but she did have homework to finish.

Connie had to head back soon, too, but there was still enough time that she and Steven said they could walk back to Fish Stew Pizza. Once they arrived, they stood at the door doing the awkward dance that was goodbyes.

“This was really fun,” said Steven.

“Yeah. Thanks for hanging out with us,” said Connie. “And for… well, understanding.”

“No prob. It was really nice hanging out with you…” Two? Three? “... all. Say bye to Stevonnie for me?”

Connie raised an eyebrow. Steven grinned. He asked, “How about you say bye to them yourself?”

It wasn’t as fast as when Stevonnie fell apart, but still quick enough that Kiki almost missed it. The pair’s hands reaching out for each other, Connie pulling up Steven’s arm, the boy spinning— then a bright flash of pink light and— There Stevonnie was.

“Hey,” they said.

“Hey,” Kiki repeated. “That was… wow, really cool. Is that all it takes?”

“Yep! Just a dance. Sometimes even less than that.” Stevonnie gave them a long look— curious and nervous and uncertain, and asked, “I could teach you, if you want?”

“I— really?”

“Yeah, sure! I think so, at least. It can be kind of hard… but it can’t hurt to try, right?”

Kiki considered. She still thought the whole thing sounded kind of confusing, and scary. But Stevonnie wasn’t scary. So she smiled and said, “Sure. How’s… this Tuesday sound?”

Stevonnie beamed. “Sounds great.”

[douxreviews]

Legends of Tomorrow - ‘Egg MacGuffin’ Review

"I’m sorry that our first date got ruined by Nazis."

The Legends of Tomorrow episode title game is really on point this year.

Forgive me in advance if this is overexplaining, but I'm not entirely sure how well known the terms are and it's going to become relevant in a minute. If you already know the terminology better than I do, and I'm sure many of you do, I beg your indulgence.

A 'MacGuffin' is the term for a plot device that exists solely to provide motivation to the characters in a story. The example that's most often cited at this point is the titular Maltese falcon statue in The Maltese Falcon. This is a subtly different thing than 'phlebotinum,' which we discussed a few episodes back. Generally speaking, phlebotinum is a made up thing that facilitates the character's journey, for example, polyjuice potion. A MacGuffin is a made up thing that motivates the character to make the journey, for example the sorcerer's stone. Or philosopher's stone if you live in a country where the publisher wasn't afraid of accidentally teaching children the word 'philosopher.'

The real takeaway is that Legends of Tomorrow has now given me an excuse to explain both of those terms, and regularly allows me pretentiously discuss semiotics, and is therefore the best thing ever broadcast. But I digress.

The genius of this week's episode title is that the golden egg that Nate and Zari are looking for at the Adventurers Club is unequivocally a MacGuffin with no significance of its own beyond that (at least this week).  In fact, part of the plot of that storyline explicitly involves Nate and Zari questioning exactly that point, and they come to the conclusion that it is a MacGuffin that Sara planted just to give them an exciting first date. Which is clever because it isn't a MacGuffin within the story we're watching, but it absolutely is a MacGuffin from the outside perspective, and you know it might actually be possible to be too clever about these things. Whatever your personal tolerance for post-modern narrative gameplaying, I really enjoyed it.

Now, in the past I've complained a bit here and there about the fact that the Legends' reduced number of episodes in a season often makes them condense what could be two or three episodes worth of plot into one. I'm not sure if I've just gotten used to it or if they're getting better at it, but I've really begun to enjoy the fast, breezy clip at which these episodes move. Nate and Zari are really just doing an extended Raiders of the Lost Ark homage, and a nice zippy pace is essential for that kind of romantic adventure fiction. The Ark of the Covenant itself, while we're speaking, is another classic example of a MacGuffin. I'm certain that was not coincidental.

In any case, I think I'm pretty well sold on the Zari and Nate romance, and I think it's down to one particular moment in this episode. When they realize that Sara has set them up on a romantic mission, Zari offers to call it a night and return to the ship, and Nate says, 'Or we could see where this mission takes us.' What he's clearly really saying is, 'Hey, I'm open to exploring whatever this is going on between us if you are, but there's no pressure.' I don't seem to go a week without mentioning how refreshingly adult the characters on this show are.

In fact, part of why the aforementioned fast and breezy pace felt so appropriate this week all around is because the show has romance stories on its mind. We have Sara and Ava, thankfully post-argument, making an effort for one another in the little ways. We have Mick and Charlie at Romanticon, attempting to cash in on Mick's authorial alter ego, Rebecca Silver, without actually having to reveal himself to his fans. Which is so completely on brand for both of them that I loved every second of it. God bless Mick, both for actually caring about his fans and for being willing to admit the fact when pressed.

Then finally we have my current relationship on the show, Ray and Nate. I realize I went on a bit about this last week, but I just can't say enough about how great their friendship is. Thank you, whoever on the writing team made the decision that Ray would give up his soul to Neron in order to save Nate's life, as opposed to Nora's. Neron said he would make Ray kill someone he loved in order to break him, and the show went with Nate as that person. Is it possible to platonically 'ship a couple? Because I am totally team Palmwood.

That was an unfortunate first attempt at a couple name. Please leave alternate suggestions in the comments.

Which leads me to the painful part. There were a number of little clues as to what was coming for Gary, but I really only noticed them in hindsight. When Sara is discussing who the murderer could be in book club, she mentions that it must be the dogwalker because of his pent up frustration and being treated like a doormat. The shot transitions from her to the next scene halfway through the line, which means we're hearing her but looking at Gary. The subplot about Vincent the Adventurer's assistant is basically a mirror of Gary's position. And Gary is clearly crying in the bathroom – a thing that he had just told us he often did – when Ray calls him and he drops everything to go help.

Gary Green, on paper, should not work as a character. He should come across as a caricatured doofus, occasionally good for a comic relief moment. But Adam Tsekhman invests him with something undefinable and real, and he just fundamentally works as a tragic figure despite all the reasons that he shouldn't.

Also, whoever planned out that Gary's nipple returning from Hell would be the final temptation that makes him give in to Neron is a mad genius and should be our leader now.

Everybody remember where we parked:

The Waverider did some proper time travel for the first time in what feels like ages and took most of the team to the Adventurers Club, 1933, in order to retrieve that golden egg. Mick and Charlie, meanwhile, take the jump ship to Romanticon, 2019. Gary uses his time courier to flit between 2019 and the Waverider, and Neron and minion-Gary appear to lift Damien Darhk's old time travel stone from Constantine and use it to leave for destinations unknown.

Remember when time travel seemed like an exclusive and exotic thing?

Quotes:

Sara: "Honestly, with Neron gone, catching fugitives has never been easier. I thought it was gonna take all week."

Zari: "It was that awkward, huh?" Sara: "Even the mummy thought it was awkward."

Nate: "Excuse me, my good man, could you point me to the nearest facilities? I have an urgent need to… uh... relieve my bowel."

Nate: "Wait. Trip wires. This is going to require one of us to squeeze through these trip wires, maneuvering our bodies in unexpected ways." Zari: "Are you asking me to do that?" Nate: "No, I’m asking you to hold my coat."

Ava: "Honestly, I usually just drink rose and let Mona go on and on."

Gary: "I may not be a master of the dark arts, but I am an intern of the dark arts."

Ava: "Were you guys about to hook up?" Zari: "No. no, no, no, no." Nate: "It was definitely on the table."

Bits and Pieces:

-- This show just doesn't do misunderstandings for dramatic effect. Nora immediately told John that Ray was possessed as soon as she woke up. Neron repeatedly goes out of his way to clarify that he's the one doing evil things, not Ray, even when it would really be in Neron's best interest to let the Legends think otherwise, thus driving them apart. That might be the thing I appreciate most about the writing.

-- It seemed odd at first that Mona didn't already know about Mick being Rebecca Silver, but on reflection it makes sense.

-- Loved the Garima cosplay at Romanticon.

-- How many books has Mick had time to write by this point? I mean, I suppose time travel would help with that, but I lost track of how many different titles they mentioned. I particularly liked Raw Hides.

-- Mick's final speech to the con about how all anybody really wants is to feel a connection was a lovely piece of writing, well performed. And a hell of a good underscoring to what was happening to Gary at that moment.

-- I get why they didn't do it, but it would have been smarter for Charlie to have shape shifted into a neutral third party to portray Rebecca. That said, I adored the Rita Skeeter vibe she had going on with her outfit.

-- Outside of the Rita Skeeter vibe, we also had phoenix feathers and a dragon egg. I'm sure there were a few other Harry Potter nods that I missed beside those. Anyone?

-- And speaking of the egg, it's a neat bit of long term plotting that what was just a MacGuffin this week is clearly set up at the end to be relevant to a different plotline later.

-- It's entirely in character for John Constantine to be rude and speak to Gary like that in a moment of stress, but the whole sequence of events felt sadder to me when I thought about the considerate way that he sheltered Gary's feelings last week.

-- I've noticed that they've gotten into the habit lately of consistently leaving someone on the Waverider to 'Quarterback' the mission. That's not only hugely useful for splitting up the characters and facilitating different schedules, it's also a really sound battle tactic.

-- Note added after the writing of this review.  Apparently 'Egg MacGuffin' is the official name of this sort of thing as cited on tvtropes, and not an original pun coined by the writers here.  Ah, well.  Still a clever title for how it was used here.

I loved this episode from beginning to end.  How can we only have three more left?

Three and a half out of four, and the only reason it's not higher is I suspect I'm going to need a higher number to go to in the next few episodes.

Feel free to mention your favorite MacGuffin in the comments.

Mikey Heinrich is, among other things, a freelance writer, volunteer firefighter, and roughly 78% water.